# A Dark Moment



## Polednice

There are enough delightful characters on this forum, and most of you know me quite well, for me to think that this post won't be taken as an attention-seeking cry for sympathy, so I want to ask you what you do (or what you would do, should you be lucky enough to have not experienced this) if you were in great emotional and physical pain that you _knew_ was here to stay.

I'm extremely ill at the moment. I'm supposed to be going back to university in two weeks (after 15 months away for ill health) and, though I'll get all the 'benefits' of being a disabled student, I don't think I will manage because my body is in such bad shape. My doctors are pretty ****ing useless - there are pills I really, really, really _need_, but which I don't have because they can't do their damn paperwork on time. So, as it stands, I'm at home all day every day, the oddball of the family; I don't have many friends at all - none round here; and my partner is a long, long way away, so I'm depressed, lonely, and suffering. 

/end probably inappropriate post. :/


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## clavichorder

Polednice said:


> There are enough delightful characters on this forum, and most of you know me quite well, for me to think that this post won't be taken as an attention-seeking cry for sympathy, so I want to ask you what you do (or what you would do, should you be lucky enough to have not experienced this) if you were in great emotional and physical pain that you _knew_ was here to stay.
> 
> I'm extremely ill at the moment. I'm supposed to be going back to university in two weeks (after 15 months away for ill health) and, though I'll get all the 'benefits' of being a disabled student, I don't think I will manage because my body is in such bad shape. My doctors are pretty ****ing useless - there are pills I really, really, really _need_, but which I don't have because they can't do their damn paperwork on time. So, as it stands, I'm at home all day every day, the oddball of the family; I don't have many friends at all - none round here; and my partner is a long, long way away, so I'm depressed, lonely, and suffering.
> 
> /end probably inappropriate post. :/


Hi Polednice,

I'm really sorry to hear this. I greatly enjoy your presence on this forum. You needn't worry about it being attention seeking, I'd be happy to talk to you if you wanted as well. In fact I think I'll PM you.


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## Polednice

clavichorder said:


> I'd be happy to talk to you if you wanted as well. In fact I think I'll PM you.


That would make me smile!


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## Almaviva

Polednice, I don't think anybody here would ever think that your post is inappropriate.
You are very much liked here, and we all feel for you and worry about your condition.
Hopefully your doctors will get their act together and provide some relief.
Don't worry too much about university, buddy; if you feel you can't do it right now, then don't; take it easy, and try to focus on getting well.
I'm sure you'll get better and will continue your studies at some other point.
Hang in there, and do know that your penpals at TC are rooting for you.


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## Polednice

Almaviva said:


> Don't worry too much about university, buddy; if you feel you can't do it right now, then don't; take it easy, and try to focus on getting well.
> I'm sure you'll get better and will continue your studies at some other point.


I try to think like this as much as possible - and usually succeed!  Of course, sometimes, as a young, all-or-nothing whippersnapper, it can seem like not being able to do something right away is the end of the world!

Thank you for your kind words - I can't say how much it means to me to have such wonderful friends on here.


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## Theophrastus

Universities kill the mind by degrees... Not to sound flippant, just that a joke is sometimes the only way to deal with the darker moments. I wish I had an answer, but I don't. When things get tough, my family have got into the habit of quoting Churchill's sign-off to war-time memoranda - KBO (Keep Buggering On!)

And wanted to second Almaviva - that we're rooting for you.

KBO!


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## clavichorder

Polednice said:


> Of course, sometimes, as a young, all-or-nothing whippersnapper, it can seem like not being able to do something right away is the end of the world!


True words.


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## samurai

@ Polednice, I'm probably old enough to be your father, so when I tell you this it's coming from both my heart and my experiences; even if you don't/can't accomplish something that is important to you in your life on the first "go", you will, eventually. The main thing--as one of our fellow members so aptly points out--is for you to get well and strong. Whatever it is that's out there for you to be done, it will keep until you're ready to tackle it. And you will and you'll succeed mightily. 
If there is *anything* I can do for you or get you, please don't hesitate to ask. And please listen to your father over here. :wave: :cheers:
samurai aka Steve


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## starthrower

Hang in there, mate!


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## Polednice

samurai said:


> @ Polednice, I'm probably old enough to be your father, so when I tell you this it's coming from both my heart and my experiences; even if you don't/can't accomplish something that is important to you in your life on the first "go", you will, eventually. The main thing--as one of our fellow members so aptly points out--is for you to get well and strong. Whatever it is that's out there for you to be done, it will keep until you're ready to tackle it. And you will and you'll succeed mightily.
> If there is *anything* I can do for you or get you, please don't hesitate to ask. And please listen to your father over here. :wave: :cheers:
> samurai aka Steve


Every day, my perspective always shifts dramatically between appreciating that I have long, happy decades ahead of me, and thinking that I cannot bear to trudge through the next few weeks or months to get to a happier place. I will think of your wise elder's advice to keep to the long-and-happy-life way of thinking!  Thanks so much.


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## Sid James

I also wish you the best. I haven't gone through something as bad as you describe (physical & mental pain combined), but I've been in some low points myself for sure (& seen others in that situation also). I think of this kind of adversity in a way that sometimes we have to scrape the bottom of the barrell before we rise to the top.

On a more practical note, have you thought about study via correspondence/online? That might be an option, it's more flexible than on-campus study, and obviously you don't have to travel to the uni, etc. This can be an option, it does have advantages (& disadvantages) like everything else. You can temporarily maybe do this or just defer study for longer until you feel better, etc.

I echo thoughts of others, I think it's a good thing to have you on TC. Eg. Brahms & Dvorak are among my favourites of that era, even though I don't know a fraction of their music as you do, still love it to the max (esp. their chamber things, unsurpassed for that time)...


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## Polednice

Sid James said:


> I also wish you the best. I haven't gone through something as bad as you describe (physical & mental pain combined), but I've been in some low points myself for sure (& seen others in that situation also). I think of this kind of adversity in a way that sometimes we have to scrape the bottom of the barrell before we rise to the top.


That's a rather nice way of looking at it. 



Sid James said:


> On a more practical note, have you thought about study via correspondence/online? That might be an option, it's more flexible than on-campus study, and obviously you don't have to travel to the uni, etc. This can be an option, it does have advantages (& disadvantages) like everything else. You can temporarily maybe do this or just defer study for longer until you feel better, etc.


I've briefly considered it before, but it sadly isn't feasible. My university has densely-packed terms with workloads and class environments that require a physical presence, and, because my area is so specialised (medieval English), I don't have a hope in hell of referencing even a fraction of the books I need unless I'm at the university library! My main trouble in this regard is with reading and writing because I have a chronic tiredness and concentration problem caused by my condition.

The most frustrating thing for me is that, after 15 months away from university on suspension already, I made the decision to return two months ago. Even that recently, I actually felt well enough to go back, but my condition is so unpredictable that it's only become clear in the past few weeks that my health has been deteriorating dramatically once again. My other concern on top of this is that, except for these new pills I should start taking soon, there is no more treatment I can have for my condition, so I have to seriously consider that this state of ill-health (or something near this) is permanent. Would that mean I can never be fit to do a degree? I don't know... :/



Sid James said:


> I echo thoughts of others, I think it's a good thing to have you on TC. Eg. Brahms & Dvorak are among my favourites of that era, even though I don't know a fraction of their music as you do, still love it to the max (esp. their chamber things, unsurpassed for that time)...


Thank you!  It's so wonderful being here, and to know that I can talk about anything with this wonderfully diverse but always loveable group of people!


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## samurai

@ Polednice, Isn't there any way to exert more pressure on the doctor to sign off on the appropriate paperwork so you'd be able to get the meds you obviously so desperately need? Perhaps consulting an attorney who specializes in medical malpractice litigation might light a fire under somebody's ***, you think? Even the whiff of a possible lawsuit might motivate/cause the NHS {?} to sit up, take notice and then take action to help you by expediting the bloody paperwork, which appears to be at the crux of your problem.


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## Kopachris

I'd like to reiterate everything that's already been said: hang in there, get well soon, we're rooting for you, etc., etc... I've also found that when I'm mentally/emotionally distraught and alone as I imagine you must be, solace can be found in literature and music. Take a break from school. Pick a book that you think will help you relax, calm down, and feel better either by mirroring your own mental state or by pointing out the opposite mental state (whichever you feel like reading) and put on some background music. The music doesn't have to match the book as long as it's still strong. A joyful Haydn symphony in D major can be just as strong as Tchaikovsky's 6th. Lose yourself in the characters and the world of the book, at least for a while. While reading, though, don't lose sight of the future, of getting better. Constantly make connections between the book and your own life. Sympathize with the characters. Notice how they solved their problems and apply their solutions to your own life. Be inspired by them. Let their confidence become your own confidence. Learn from their mistakes. Let the characters strengthen you.

Marvelous way to pass the time. Don't let it get in the way of doing what needs to be done to get you better, though.

I really hope you can find the strength to get through this.


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## Polednice

Kopachris said:


> I'd like to reiterate everything that's already been said: hang in there, get well soon, we're rooting for you, etc., etc... I've also found that when I'm mentally/emotionally distraught and alone as I imagine you must be, solace can be found in literature and music. Take a break from school. Pick a book that you think will help you relax, calm down, and feel better either by mirroring your own mental state or by pointing out the opposite mental state (whichever you feel like reading) and put on some background music. The music doesn't have to match the book as long as it's still strong. A joyful Haydn symphony in D major can be just as strong as Tchaikovsky's 6th. Lose yourself in the characters and the world of the book, at least for a while. While reading, though, don't lose sight of the future, of getting better. Constantly make connections between the book and your own life. Sympathize with the characters. Notice how they solved their problems and apply their solutions to your own life. Be inspired by them. Let their confidence become your own confidence. Learn from their mistakes. Let the characters strengthen you.
> 
> Marvelous way to pass the time. Don't let it get in the way of doing what needs to be done to get you better, though.
> 
> I really hope you can find the strength to get through this.


It's a marvellous suggestion, and it's what I truly love to do, but sadly my physical illness makes reading almost impossible. 

@Samurai, I truly wish I knew how to exert pressure like that! When I was having trouble with receiving financial disability allowances, I got in touch with my local MP who sped everything along and made sure that I got my money, but I'm not quite sure how to go about it with doctors, especially as I couldn't afford anything like legal aid. I know that these people are extremely busy with a lot of patients to look after, but, with special cases like me, where I'm essentially immobilised at home instead of in a hospital, I wonder if they ever think how upsetting and traumatising it can be to essentially be told, "you have to sit and wait for X weeks before you'll get help." Out of sight out of mind, I suppose.


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## graaf

When I was in a very bad situation with my health (not as bad as yours), and tried to... hm, confide to one of my closest friends, the only thing I've got was refusal of any recognition that I even have a problem. I was stupid enough to give him another chance (although with smaller issue), only to see the same thing again. After that, I kind of took a vow that I will never be like that, I will never minimize other people's problems. Your problems are of magnitude that no normal person could even dare to minimize, but the thing is that although I am more than ready to aknowledge people's pain even in issues much smaller than yours, I still too often don't have anything smart to say to them. The fact that my silence is at least not dismissal of other people's problems might not be much of a consolation, but I'd like to think that these few senteces would show you that there are people who understand you (at least as much as we are able to, given that we didn't have such hardships ourselves), and who wish you quick recovery.

It is so true that we should never give up and never lose faith, and it's so easy to say that and so hard to practice it when life is cruel to us. Thinking about your situation I remembered one of my favourite movies, in which Andy Dufresne "crawled to freedom through five hundred yards of ****, and came out clean on the other side" - so I wish you to endure all these hardships and come out of it healthy!

Sincerely yours,
graaf


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## samurai

Polednice, I understand perfectly what you are saying. Aren't there lawyers in your country--as there are here--who would take your case on a "contingency basis"; in other words you wouldn't have to pay anything until/unless he won your case, and then he'd be awarded a per centage of the financial settlement arrived at. Can your family or you get in touch with your local MP again to handle and redress this obviously unfair and life-threatening situation?


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## Ukko

Polednice said:


> I try to think like this as much as possible - and usually succeed!  Of course, sometimes, as a young, all-or-nothing whippersnapper, it can seem like not being able to do something right away is the end of the world!
> [...]


I don't know if you have ever snapped a whip, Noon Witch; maybe it's a country boy thing. I could spend an hour or more swinging/flipping the braided rawhide out (it's something like casting a fly line), and just before the whip was fully extended, bringing back the wrist and forearm to make that loud pop that sounds a lot like a shot from a .22 rimfire if if I timed it right. Over and over, snapping the whip, trying for the loud pop.

You can do that whip snapping in your mind too. Repeating that swing and pop, over and over... the pain doesn't like that pop, or the rawhide tip flicking in its face; it backs off a ways. Or at least it worked that way for me, the time my pancreas got cranky with me.

[And if whip snapping ain't your thing, at least you were distracted for the time it took you to read my post.]


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## Meaghan

Oh, honey. I'm awfully sorry this is continuing to plague you. I admire you very much for your courage during this ordeal and your determination to KBO by returning to school. But do be sure you aren't beating yourself up if you're not able to work at the level you want right away. Please be gentle with yourself. That is really important. Especially if your concentration problems frustrate you a lot. I went through a bad time in the spring of 2010 (for reasons unrelated to my physical well-being, but still pretty bad) and it impaired my ability to concentrate. When I found myself unable to focus on my reading and would think "Goddammit, Meaghan, why are _useless_?" my berating myself would just make it worse. Eventually I figured out that if I instead said "It's okay; you can take your time; you don't need to do this right now" and then stopped and made myself tea, or let someone else make me tea, and listened to music, I felt better, and my ability to focus, or at least to calm my mind, was improved. Sometimes I actually _did_ need to do the homework (or whatever) right away, but sometimes it just wasn't happening, and the more I pushed, the harder it got. Hopefully you are already kind to yourself and my advice is unnecessary, but I felt like it was important to say. Just in case. It makes a big difference.

I will be gathering "hugs" for you this evening, so do check that thread of yours later!

You are brave. Also, you don't have to always be brave if you don't feel like it. And we like you.


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## GoneBaroque

There is not much I could say which has not been said already. Just to put the future on hold and concentrate on the present task of regaining your health. Perhaps your MP could be of help. It is certainly worth a try. I don't have much use for politicians but they can be useful sometimes. You will be in my thoughts with the hope that everything will turn out alright.


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## hawk

From family and personal experience I realize how difficult medical issues can be. My family and I are blessed with a certain condition, one that is not too common. I say blessed because we are Grateful for our lives, (the medical issue is a part of who we are) and all that enables our living. We are grateful for our family's and our friends. We are grateful to wake each day and to see the Beauty of the day. We are Grateful to see and hear the birds, to smell flowers, to taste bacon (little inside joke), to feel the sun or snow. I feel that this Gratitude for Living we would know and feel even if we did not have the medical issues but in their light we feel it even more.

I bet along with feeling discomfort/pain you must also feel frustrated and angry and maybe even a little helpless. All perfect emotions for the situation~
Some years back I worked in a long term residential treatment program for adolscents. One of the stronger young men and i did not get along at all. Well we took a group out free climbing some cliffs. This young man was part of the group. At one point in the climb I found myself stuck standing on a ledge with no way to get up or down except falling. I heard a voice asking if I needed help. I was about to say yes when I noticed it was the young man who did not like me. He always said he would get me and he meant it. Well in my moment of feeling and being _helpless_ I found the strength to make it to the top....

well Friend if I was closer i'd come hang out and either give ya a slap on the back of the head and tell you not to worry about school at this point or I'd give ya a hug and say the same but I am not close so I'll let you see a picture of our kitty Catso Fatso who is a healer


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## kv466

Polie! Rollie Polie! I thought my pm's annoyed you, buddy...I'll make sure and send more from now on until I really do annoy you!...then I'll send 'em every hour, on the hour.


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## lou

I'm rather new here, but just wanted to add my note of encouragement and good wishes. As others have stated, priority #1 is to take care of yourself, all other things can wait. In regard to school, I just recently graduated from college in my 40s, so it's never too late. Get well and do your best to stay positive by thinking of all that makes you happy (like music)!


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## Kopachris

You can't even lose yourself in literature to temporarily take your mind off the pain... I knew it was bad, but I didn't realize it was _that_ bad. I send a virtual hug of consolation your way.

This reminds me: in the video game Portal 2, it is revealed that Aperture Labs' fictional CEO, Cave Johnson, who we only hear as a recording in the game, died of some sort of major medical issue. He stayed on as CEO while in immense physical and mental pain and continued to record voice-overs, much to the fictional test subjects' annoyance and the players' enjoyment. His most famous speech from the game (obviously related to what he was going through) is as follows:



Cave Johnson's lemon rant said:


> Alright, I've been thinking. When life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don't want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?! Demand to see life's manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I'm the man who's gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I'm gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!


I don't see how you're going to make life take the lemons back, Polednice, but maybe you can find a way.


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## sospiro

KBO Poley - don't forget we have a date next July


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## Couchie

Sounds awful!  To make things a little easier, I promise to not make snide remarks about Brahms until after you're feeling better!


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## Krummhorn

Polednice, 

I echo all the concerns our faithful members have sent in this thread. It isn't an easy road dealing with something that keeps hindering our health. Just remember, for every problem that we personally have, there is another that is worse off ... okay, that doesn't help you much, but what I'm trying to say is what my Dad always told me "Keep your socks up!", with your given determination, this illness is not going to keep you from achieving your goals at the university. 

You are among many friends here ... and we are all rooting for you. 

Kh


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## violadude

Hey man, hoping you feel a lot better soon! I'm not sure I can add much more than has already been said. I can understand what it feels like to have a constant illness. My situation isn't as bad as yours but I get infections nearly 3 times a month due to how my body works. So I am sympathetic.  I remember after our first encounter on this forum you sort of rubbed me the wrong way, but your a cool guy and I'm glad we can disagree on some things and still stay on friendly terms. 

I'm not sure what that has to do with your illness haha, just making you aware of yet another friend you have on this forum.


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## Sid James

Polednice said:


> I've briefly considered it before, but it sadly isn't feasible. My university has densely-packed terms with workloads and class environments that require a physical presence, and, because my area is so specialised (medieval English), I don't have a hope in hell of referencing even a fraction of the books I need unless I'm at the university library!...


I know what you mean, having done both on-campus and online/correspondence study, the former does have the advantage of hard copy resources at your fingertips @ the uni library (as you say). Not everything is online, I know.



> ...My main trouble in this regard is with reading and writing because I have a chronic tiredness and concentration problem caused by my condition...


I can understand this, having a friend who has a family member with chronic fatigue syndrome, as well as other problems. Hard to do simple things let alone more higher level things. I don't agree with people who say that this is an imagined illness, because basically it's very real.



> ...The most frustrating thing for me is that, after 15 months away from university on suspension already, I made the decision to return two months ago. Even that recently, I actually felt well enough to go back, but my condition is so unpredictable that it's only become clear in the past few weeks that my health has been deteriorating dramatically once again. My other concern on top of this is that, except for these new pills I should start taking soon, there is no more treatment I can have for my condition, so I have to seriously consider that this state of ill-health (or something near this) is permanent. Would that mean I can never be fit to do a degree? I don't know... :/


Maybe just see how it goes, take things one step at a time, day by day, week by week, etc. Just keep chipping away at things (eg. recovery), bit by bit...


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## HarpsichordConcerto

Polednice said:


> There are enough delightful characters on this forum, and most of you know me quite well, for me to think that this post won't be taken as an attention-seeking cry for sympathy, so I want to ask you what you do (or what you would do, should you be lucky enough to have not experienced this) if you were in great emotional and physical pain that you _knew_ was here to stay.
> 
> I'm extremely ill at the moment. I'm supposed to be going back to university in two weeks (after 15 months away for ill health) and, though I'll get all the 'benefits' of being a disabled student, I don't think I will manage because my body is in such bad shape. My doctors are pretty ****ing useless - there are pills I really, really, really _need_, but which I don't have because they can't do their damn paperwork on time. So, as it stands, I'm at home all day every day, the oddball of the family; I don't have many friends at all - none round here; and my partner is a long, long way away, so I'm depressed, lonely, and suffering.
> 
> /end probably inappropriate post. :/


One of my closest friends has an illness that needs constant medication, likewise with my mother. Theorectically, if left untreated, both face a shorter future life expectancy. What can we do? Accept it, understand it factually from a prognosis and from a biological viewpoint and accommodate it into our lives. You probably heard that before but really, living it out is the reality as my friend and my mother make me realise. Here is to _bright_ moments ahead.

I've added you as a TC friend. I enjoy your reading your posts on all the topics, which often come across as level-minded.


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## Polednice

I went to bed last night just before the second page of this thread came into existence, and it was so wonderful to come on here this morning and see so many more lovely comments! There seemed no place better to turn to for cheering up than here, and I was certainly proved right! 

*graaf*: Thank you very much for your kind words. I completely understand how, in situations like these, it can be difficult to know what to say, but what I appreciate most is that you'd say anything at all. Just like when I was in hospital on morphine, all drugged up with my tongue lolling out, it was nice to know my Mum was sat beside me even though she had nothing to say to the stoned patient in front of her!  I'm usually one for soldiering on and giving my illness no second chances or glances, treating it and defeating it, but because it's a chronic condition, there are bound to be days when I fall down and feel terrible. I feel much less depressed today. 

*samurai*: I'd forgotten about those kinds of services - thanks for reminding me. I've actually been on the receiving end of more absent-mindedness and possible malpractice than this, so it will be worth looking into. Thanks. 

*Hilltroll*: I snapped that whip in my head time and time again, flick and pop, flick and pop, flick and pop, and the pain just laughed! I pulled out a grenade instead - I lost some metaphorical limbs, but the pain ran away. 

*Meaghan*: Thank you for your advice - it is actually very poignant and useful. The last time I was at university, just as my health was deteriorating to a point that made me suspend, I was half the time blaming myself. Because of my cognitive issues, I'd be calling myself useless and lazy, even though I had a diagnosis. I just thought that perhaps I was using my condition as an excuse. Of course, I wasn't, and that's something I will try to remember when I go back. On music, I was talking to clavichorder in a PM last night about how it can be difficult to find the right music to listen to when I feel this way - I tried listening to some upbeat Dvorak, but it felt a little mocking and trivialising. I can't wait to see what new 'hugs' you've found, because they're the best for times like this!

*GoneBaroque*: Thank you for everything you said. It's wonderful to know that there are so many people on here who would think of little old Polednice!


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## Polednice

*hawk*: I could probably do with that slap on the back of the head, although Catso Fatso seems to have done the trick too!  Living with a life-long medical condition, I can say that I'm usually like you, being grateful for the beauty in life, never brought down by the nastier side of my condition. Last night, everything just came to a head for me because my doctors are so repeatedly useless (though I don't think there are any better doctors...). After more than two years of suffering, to be told _again_ that there is a possible treatment but that I have to wait because someone isn't on top of things... I can't tell you how frustrating and horrible that is.

*kv466*: What are you talking about?! I live for you PMs! Send me more, more, more! 

*lou*: Thanks.  I'm feeling much less depressed about things today, and much less all-or-nothing. As you say, I'm focusing more on just getting better, rather than getting a degree as soon as possible. It's obvious (for now!) which is more important.

*Kopachris*: That Cave Johnson quote was wonderful! Very funny and rather insightful too!  Life must have misplaced my lemons - instead of putting them in my hands, it reached a bit too far and they ended up inside my body. But, as quickly as I can, I'm ripping them out and throwing them back!

*sospiro*: Indeed! I haven't forgotten!  And I should even be feeling much better by then!


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## Polednice

*Couchie*: Oh, well, seeing as my condition is a chronic genetic disorder, you may have to shut up about Brahms for quite some time... 

*Krummhorn*: Thank you for the encouragement.  As you say, I'm amidst so many caring people in this online community - you've all cheered me up no end! 

*violadude*: :O I don't remember rubbing you the wrong way! I thought you'd always loved me! I've always loved you! 

*Sid James*: You're certainly right about taking everything step by step. It can be tempting sometimes to predict the future, but as my condition has proven time and time again, everything is so unpredictable that it's not worth the stress.

*HarpsichordConcerto*: Yours is precisely the view that I try to hold to as often as I can. While some people may see their conditions as unfair blights on their well-being, caused for some unknown reason, I have always acknowledged mine as a biological mechanical fault - something that can't be helped, but which can be bypassed (hopefully) with operations and medications. I'm on life-long medication myself now - if I didn't take it, I'd have a much shorter life too. In fact, I think I'd probably die after a few days without it. Let's hope I don't forget to take it then!!


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## Almaviva

Polednice, wouldn't your doctors consider patient-controlled analgesia at home, and wouldn't your national health service consider bringing the equipment to you? Just a thought; of course I don't know the specifics of the situation.


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## Ukko

Polednice said:


> [...]
> *Hilltroll*: I snapped that whip in my head time and time again, flick and pop, flick and pop, flick and pop, and the pain just laughed! I pulled out a grenade instead - I lost some metaphorical limbs, but the pain ran away.
> [...]


That's a problem with grenades - the directionality sucks.

I'm thinking that the end of your whip didn't get close enough to the pain. Pain seems not to have much imagination, so the whip may have to make contact with his nose once or twice. Just remember to say 'oops'.


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## Polednice

Almaviva said:


> Polednice, wouldn't your doctors consider patient-controlled analgesia at home, and wouldn't your national health service consider bringing the equipment to you? Just a thought; of course I don't know the specifics of the situation.


Thanks for the suggestion - unfortunately, my pain is a complicated mixture post-op trauma, immobility, and incapability, only some of which would be helped by analgesia. I was with my GP yesterday, and I actually asked for pain relief specific to some abdominal problems, and she said: "Let's get you started on the other medication first" despite the fact that I'm not being given the new medication because of the cock-up!

It's so hard dealing with doctors sometimes. I do my best to stand my ground and demand what I know I need, but, when they say something wrong or stupid, I don't always correct them because they disarm me with the supposed fact that They Know What's Best. 

Back to the whipping!


----------



## Yoshi

I'm so sorry to hear that. I guess I don't have much to add to the previous posts except you can PM me anytime you want. I would be glad to help in anything I can. I've had my dark moments before and I know how talking to someone can help a lot.

I hope you get better really soon.


----------



## Klavierspieler

My evil master is ill? I'll send you the virtual evil secret hug. :devil:

On a more serious note, I'm very sorry to hear that and I hope you get well soon.

KBO!


----------



## sospiro

I don't think there's been a thread which has attracted so many 'likes' in proportion to the number of posts.

Testimony to Polednice's character & humanity.

KBO


----------



## Polednice

Klavierspieler said:


> My evil master is ill? I'll send you the virtual evil secret hug. :devil:


Don't tell anyone about the hug! It'll tarnish my image! 



sospiro said:


> I don't think there's been a thread which has attracted so many 'likes' in proportion to the number of posts.
> 
> Testimony to Polednice's character & humanity.


Awww! That's so sweet!  I think it's also testament to how friendly and caring you all are.


----------



## sospiro

How's things Poley?


----------



## Polednice

My little tumours are still being very horrible to me. 

I've had to cancel some travel arrangements, and I've spent the past few days either in bed asleep or on the sofa asleep. I can't play the piano, and I'm certainly beyond capable of reading for more than 10 or 15 minutes at a time.

*sigh* I can wait for the pills just a little longer; it just doesn't help that I feel so lonely most of the time. At the expense of all else, I'm desperately trying to keep my TC contribution up because reading everyone's posts here is one of the few things that cheers me up.


----------



## lou

Hey Poley (may I call you Poley?)

Your condition sounds downright terrible, but it may help to focus on those even more unfortunate than yourself, such as country music fans. Just think how much worse it would be if you had to listen to twangy cowpokes, singing about lost women and cattle! 

Seriously though, I hope your medicine arrives soon. In the meantime, is there no type of external relief you can seek? Something like warm baths, or those medicated patches and such? I feel for you brother, hang in there, you've still got your youth and good looks.


----------



## Polednice

lou said:


> Hey Poley (may I call you Poley?)
> 
> Your condition sounds downright terrible, but it may help to focus on those even more unfortunate than yourself, such as country music fans. Just think how much worse it would be if you had to listen to twangy cowpokes, singing about lost women and cattle!
> 
> Seriously though, I hope your medicine arrives soon. In the meantime, is there no type of external relief you can seek? Something like warm baths, or those medicated patches and such? I feel for you brother, hang in there, you've still got your youth and good looks.


Hahahaha! 

I haven't yet found any external pleasures to take my mind off things. But the one thing that I _can_ still manage despite not being able to read or write much is _talk_. So I've been pestering my friends on the phone a little more, as well as using Skype - my problem is just a shortage of friends.  That's why I try to come here throughout the day - even though it can be difficult to read some of the longer posts (I'll name no names!), it feels like I'm having a good natter with people, and it's just that kind of contact that I crave most to get me through this difficult time.

Oh, and you can call me anything you like.


----------



## sospiro

Polednice said:


> My little tumours are still being very horrible to me.
> 
> I've had to cancel some travel arrangements, and I've spent the past few days either in bed asleep or on the sofa asleep. I can't play the piano, and I'm certainly beyond capable of reading for more than 10 or 15 minutes at a time.


That's awful.









Are you victim of the dreaded Post Code Lottery? Our NHS used to be the envy of the world, now it's a disgrace.



Polednice said:


> *sigh* I can wait for the pills just a little longer; it just doesn't help that I feel so lonely most of the time. At the expense of all else, I'm desperately trying to keep my TC contribution up because reading everyone's posts here is one of the few things that cheers me up.




Hang in there Poley, you have lots of 'friends' on here.


----------



## Couchie




----------



## sospiro

Couchie said:


>


That's very clever Couchie!!


----------



## Polednice

sospiro said:


> That's awful.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Are you victim of the dreaded Post Code Lottery? Our NHS used to be the envy of the world, now it's a disgrace.


I haven't been affected by that. In actual fact, in terms of my particular condition, I have one of the best doctors and one of the best surgeons at one of the best hospitals in the country. Sadly, the best is still dire in a lot of respects! It makes me think medicine is more of an art than a science.


----------



## Polednice

Couchie said:


>


Is this in the vein of good and bad conscience? So rather than a little angel and demon hovering above your shoulders, your inner evil is a vampire pig and your generosity and empathy is personified by a... a... green god knows what!


----------



## Polednice

Ooooo, I just received a letter in the post - completely unexpected - in which my consultant mentions everything that I need in order to get a prescription from my GP. So I'm going to march off into town now, barge into the GP's and say: "I CAN HAZ MY PILLZ NAO?"

See you later!


----------



## Ukko

Polednice said:


> It makes me think medicine is more of an art than a science.


Oh, it is. The great advances in electronics starting circa 1960 have caused a sharply increased reliance on 'tests', but the best doctors are best because they have the art.


----------



## lou

Polednice said:


> Ooooo, I just received a letter in the post - completely unexpected - in which my consultant mentions everything that I need in order to get a prescription from my GP. So I'm going to march off into town now, barge into the GP's and say: "I CAN HAZ MY PILLZ NAO?"
> 
> See you later!


Here's hoping for a happy result!

Keep us posted.


----------



## Kopachris

Polednice said:


> Ooooo, I just received a letter in the post - completely unexpected - in which my consultant mentions everything that I need in order to get a prescription from my GP. So I'm going to march off into town now, barge into the GP's and say: "I CAN HAZ MY PILLZ NAO?"
> 
> See you later!


Good luck! (Since it seems that, in addition to being an art, medicine is heavily influenced by luck.)


----------



## Polednice

I'm back now!

It's always a little difficult to deal with the secretaries, but I was told that I can most likely pick up the script on Tuesday (it's an abnormally busy surgery, so simple tasks take days). Given that the medication is unusual meaning the pharmacy will have to order it, I expect to have the pills in my belly next Friday. I hope you can put up with an extra ill Polednice until then! :-D


----------



## sospiro

Polednice said:


> I'm back now!


Yay!!



Polednice said:


> It's always a little difficult to deal with the secretaries, but I was told that I can most likely pick up the script on Tuesday (it's an abnormally busy surgery, so simple tasks take days).


Useless NHS :scold:



Polednice said:


> Given that the medication is unusual meaning the pharmacy will have to order it, I expect to have the pills in my belly next Friday. I hope you can put up with an extra ill Polednice until then! :-D


So angry that it will take that long but fingers crossed that you do get them next Friday & you start to feel a bit better soon.

:kiss:


----------



## Couchie

Polednice said:


> Is this in the vein of good and bad conscience? So rather than a little angel and demon hovering above your shoulders, your inner evil is a vampire pig and your generosity and empathy is personified by a... a... green god knows what!


Midnight in the Garden of Couchie and Polednice (you're the evil btw, the green guy is too innocent looking)


----------



## lou

Polednice said:


> I'm back now!
> It's always a little difficult to deal with the secretaries


They must be country music fans.


----------



## GoneBaroque

Polednice said:


> I'm back now!
> 
> It's always a little difficult to deal with the secretaries, but I was told that I can most likely pick up the script on Tuesday (it's an abnormally busy surgery, so simple tasks take days). Given that the medication is unusual meaning the pharmacy will have to order it, I expect to have the pills in my belly next Friday. I hope you can put up with an extra ill Polednice until then! :-D


Beware the accursed Gatekeepers, my son! It is much to be preferred to put up with "an extra ill Poldenice", than with no Polednice.

Here's to a quick recovery and have you back to your old self.


----------



## lou

Couchie said:


>


If I were to ever meet either one of you, it would be very jarring in human form.

You would each need to have hand puppets made of your avatars and converse with me from behind a puppet stage, ala The Muppets.


----------



## Polednice

Another bad day, but...










That's right! A week earlier than I expected, I have my pills!  

It turns out that my doctor actually _was_ on the ball and had the prescription done yesterday, but for some reason nobody told me like they said they would. So, by pure chance of phoning the surgery for something else, I was told they were ready!

It looks like I've already guzzled them all in desperation, but, in fact, four pills is a _two month_ supply. They are potent little devils - I take half of one every seven days (though this will rise over the coming months in accordance with blood tests).

Let's hope they have an effect.


----------



## GoneBaroque

Great news!!! We will hope along with you. I will never understand why the office staff cannot follow through. It is bad enought here but must be much orse when the government is involved.


----------



## itywltmt

Polednice said:


> It looks like I've already guzzled them all in desperation, but, in fact, four pills is a _two month_ supply. They are potent little devils - I take half of one every seven days


No criticism of your photography skills, but the pill bottle looks out of proportion to the contents... Adds to the effect, I guess...

Hope those pills just numb the pain, and not the brain.

Hang in there, keep the faith!


----------



## sospiro

Polednice said:


> Another bad day,


So sorry to hear that



Polednice said:


> but...
> 
> That's right! A week earlier than I expected, I have my pills!
> 
> It turns out that my doctor actually _was_ on the ball and had the prescription done yesterday, but for some reason nobody told me like they said they would. So, by pure chance of phoning the surgery for something else, I was told they were ready!
> 
> It looks like I've already guzzled them all in desperation, but, in fact, four pills is a _two month_ supply. They are potent little devils - I take half of one every seven days (though this will rise over the coming months in accordance with blood tests).


 bloody hell - that _is_ potent



Polednice said:


> Let's hope they have an effect.


Amen to that Poley!!


----------



## Meaghan

Polednice said:


> That's right! A week earlier than I expected, I have my pills!


Yay!! I'm glad.


----------



## Polednice

Oh, and, should anyone be curious to google the name of the medicine on the label and its uses, I'm naturally using it to stop breast-feeding.


----------



## Kopachris

Polednice said:


> Oh, and, should anyone be curious to google the name of the medicine on the label and its uses, I'm naturally using it to stop breast-feeding.





Wikipedia: Cabergoline said:


> Cabergoline (brand names Dostinex and Cabaser), an ergot derivative, is a potent dopamine receptor agonist on D2 receptors. In vitro, rat studies show cabergoline has a direct inhibitory effect on pituitary lactotroph (prolactin) cells.[1] It is frequently used as a first-line agent in the management of prolactinomas due to higher affinity for D2 receptor sites, less severe side effects, and more convenient dosing schedule than the older bromocriptine.


Ergot derivative... is it hallucinogenic?



Section: Off-label/recreational uses said:


> It has at times been used as an adjunct to SSRI antidepressants as there is some evidence that it counteracts certain side effects of those drugs, such as reduced libido and anorgasmia. It also has been suggested online that it has a possible recreational use in reducing or eliminating the male refractory period. It is also used by bodybuilders to control gynecomastia caused by elevated prolactin levels through the use of anabolic steroids such as Nandrolone and Trenbolone. Additionally, a systematic review and meta-analysis concluded that prophylactic treatment with cabergoline reduces the incidence, but not the severity, of ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome (OHSS), without compromising pregnancy outcomes, in females undergoing stimulated cycles of in vitro fertilization (IVF).[6] Also, a study on rats found that cabergoline reduces voluntary alcohol consumption.


Apparently not. But what is this...?



Section: Pregnancy and lactation said:


> Relatively little is known about the effects of this medication during pregnancy and lactation. In some cases the related bromocriptine may be an alternative when pregnancy is expected.[citation needed]
> 
> * Pregnancy: available preliminary data indicates a somewhat increased rate of congenital abnormalities in patients who became pregnant while treated with cabergoline.[citation needed]
> * Lactation: In rats cabergoline was found in the maternal milk. Since it is not known if this effect also occurs in humans, breastfeeding is usually not recommended if treatment when treatment with cabergoline is necessary.
> * Lactation suppression: In some countries cabergoline (Dostinex) is sometimes used as a lactation suppressant. It is also used in veterinary medicine to treat false pregnancy in dogs.


Oh.


----------



## Ukko

Polednice said:


> Oh, and, should anyone be curious to google the name of the medicine on the label and its uses, I'm naturally using it to stop breast-feeding.


According to what I've been told, it would be foolish to stop - unless you are desperate for a Guinness?


----------



## macgeek2005

I don't know what kind of illness you suffer from, but I would suggest looking into the possibility of an all-raw diet to heal yourself. All-raw including meat, eggs, dairy, etc. People often heal themselves from "incurable" conditions with this kind of diet.

There is a guy who goes by the name of Aajonus Vonderplanitz, who could heal you. He probably doesn't have any real credentials, and his Ph.D in nutrition is likely made up, but he heals people using raw organic food.

I really feel for your suffering, and I know how you must be feeling, and knowing what I know and seeing what I've seen, I wouldn't have felt right not sharing this with you. I know you probably will not consider it, and that's okay. I hope you get better.


----------



## Lukecash12

As always, I anticipate hearing of your success, and can see that being deprived of your literary passion is hard. Here's a gem written by Baldassare Castiglione and translated into English by Thomas Hobby (circa 1561), called _The Book of the Courtier_: http://www.luminarium.org/renascence-editions/courtier/courtier.html

It's a super find, and a pretty popular book that you may have read. Also, I found a site that offers access to original manuscripts in many different languages: http://www.arlima.net/index.html

And lastly, a guide to fishing circa 1662! http://www.luminarium.org/renascence-editions/venables1.html

All of those texts are of very high literary quality, and things I wanted to share with you so that you could anticipate reading them when you are able.


----------



## Polednice

macgeek2005 said:


> I don't know what kind of illness you suffer from, but I would suggest looking into the possibility of an all-raw diet to heal yourself. All-raw including meat, eggs, dairy, etc. People often heal themselves from "incurable" conditions with this kind of diet.


I understand you don't know my condition, but I hope desperately that you do not think a diet of raw food would cure me of the tumours that I have in various locations around my body. For one, my condition is not "incurable", but, even if it was, I can be fairly sure without a medical degree that food will not cure cancer.


----------



## Kieran

Hey Poled, 

Sorry to read that OP. Hope things pick up and you get some relief. Thanks for sharing and you're in my thoughts and prayers, if you don't mind that...


----------



## Polednice

Kieran said:


> Hey Poled,
> 
> Sorry to read that OP. Hope things pick up and you get some relief. Thanks for sharing and you're in my thoughts and prayers, if you don't mind that...


Of course not! 

@Lukecash - thank you very much for those thoughtful links.  I've felt a fair bit perkier these past few days on my new drugs, so I'm hoping to get back to reading a bit more soon.


----------



## Fsharpmajor

Polednice said:


> should anyone be curious to google the name of the medicine on the label


Well, now that you happen to mention it...that's the first thing I tried.

I guess there is a little bit of News of the World reporter in all of us.


----------



## Kopachris

@Lukecash: Thanks for sharing those links. I've been looking for a clean, readable (and free) ebook copy of the Book of the Courtier for some time now.


----------



## Klavierspieler

Polednice said:


> I understand you don't know my condition, but I hope desperately that you do not think a diet of raw food would cure me of the tumours that I have in various locations around my body. For one, my condition is not "incurable", but, even if it was, I can be fairly sure without a medical degree that food will not cure cancer.


I don't believe food can _cure_ cancer, but I think it can prevent it.

Also, I think if the cancer is ever brought under control, it can prevent a resurge.

_PS: If you ever do change your diet, I *do not* recommend a raw-meat-and-eggs diet. I would recommend Dr. John McDougall._


----------



## Polednice

Klavierspieler said:


> I don't believe food can _cure_ cancer, but I think it can prevent it.
> 
> Also, I think if the cancer is ever brought under control, it can prevent a resurge.


To amend my comment even further in this regard with respect to my specific case - food could not even prevent the resurgence of a _genetic_ condition! I'll be sticking with surgery, thanks.


----------



## hawk

Look into Essiac if you have not already done so....


----------



## Polednice

hawk said:


> Look into Essiac if you have not already done so....


Watch yourself now! I'm taking up a new policy of reporting all religious posts that undermine and degrade another person!


----------



## hawk

Have I told you how much I like BACON!!!!


----------



## sospiro

Hey Poley what other meds are you on apart from Cabergoline? Or will the reply break the forum 'maximum number of words' rule?


----------



## Ukko

From Wikipedia:

<< In 1977, Caisse sold the essiac formula to a Canadian company, which attempted to commercialize the product. The company was unable to show any efficacy of essiac against cancer, as repeated laboratory tests showed that essiac failed to slow tumor growth and, in large enough doses, killed test animals. In a number of studies, essiac actually increased the rate of cancer growth. As a result both the U.S. and Canadian governments refused to approve essiac as a medical treatment. Essiac was instead marketed as a dietary supplement, subject to much looser regulation and not required to show any proof of effectiveness. >>

This stuff appears to be exactly what you need, Noon Witch. A variant of 'Kill or Cure' medication, with the 'or' changed to an 'and'. You carefully and gradually increase the dosage until you fail to wake up. At that point the cancer is arrested.


----------



## sospiro

Hilltroll72 said:


> From Wikipedia:
> 
> << In 1977, Caisse sold the essiac formula to a Canadian company, which attempted to commercialize the product. The company was unable to show any efficacy of essiac against cancer, as repeated laboratory tests showed that essiac failed to slow tumor growth and, in large enough doses, killed test animals. In a number of studies, essiac actually increased the rate of cancer growth. As a result both the U.S. and Canadian governments refused to approve essiac as a medical treatment. Essiac was instead marketed as a dietary supplement, subject to much looser regulation and not required to show any proof of effectiveness. >>
> 
> This stuff appears to be exactly what you need, Noon Witch. A variant of 'Kill or Cure' medication, with the 'or' changed to an 'and'. You carefully and gradually increase the dosage until you fail to wake up. At that point the cancer is arrested.


That's just what you need!!!!


----------



## Polednice

sospiro said:


> Hey Poley what other meds are you on apart from Cabergoline? Or will the reply break the forum 'maximum number of words' rule?


Hahaha, I'm not on that much at the moment, actually! I've been on quite a number of things in my time, but, aside from the cabergoline, I'm on a strict, life-long regime of calcium carbonate and vitamin D (in a stronger medicinal form than you would buy over the counter). That's because I've had all my parathyroids removed, so I have no glands in my body to regulate levels of calcium - a necessary substance for all kinds of things (brain, bones, muscles). The most dangerous aspect of my calcium dropping would be my muscles seizing, most likely causing suffocation! 

Though I've had part of my pancreas removed, I've managed to avoid diabetes so far. However, the nature of my condition being what it is, it is very likely that I will need my entire pancreas removed in the future (necessitating the removal of a few surrounding organs), largely to prevent tumours spreading to my liver, but also because I still have a lot of tumours on the poor thing which may be secreting nasty things. Whenever that comes, I'll of course be on insulin, but also all kinds of other digestive enzymes to aid my broken body! :O


----------



## sospiro

I'm speechless Poley. Are you sure you're not actually dead? How can someone be so ill & still be breathing & be so feisty?

I didn't know you could survive without your pancreas. I'm very ignorant about what goes on inside me, apart from the wimmin's bits anyway.


----------



## Fsharpmajor

*"It also has been suggested online that it has a possible recreational use in reducing or eliminating the male refractory period"*

Well, every cloud has a silver lining. Viagra was originally intended for heart conditions. Do you think I'd be able to score some Cabergoline here in Oxford for Friday night and Saturday morning?


----------



## hawk

Hmmm~ only suggested looking into Essiac. I do not put all of my egg's in the traditional medical (allopathic) basket. Certainly I am no doctor nor have I stayed in a Holiday Inn but I do know folks who have used it with sucess including one friend who had mesothilioma and was given a short time. He lived for 10 years. Closer to home several family members dealing with various forms of this disease also use it and their doctors report noticable improvements.
Not to derail the importance of this thread but because the medical community has not learned of the efficacy of a particular medicine does not mean it has none. In addition tests in laboratories are just that and do not conclusively speak to how effective a medicine is or isn't. Just look at all those on the market today which were used for something entirely different 10 years ago. One last thing or maybe two last things; Some of the medicines(plant and other) that in the past were doubted by the medical community have some how found their way into some of the medicines we use today. Some of the practices/medicines that have been used and touted as effective we have learned are just quackery so I am back to where I began:
Look into Essiac....


----------



## Ukko

Hey, Hawk, how did your people get mesothelioma in coastal Maine? Did they work elsewhere?... or is there a vulnerable occupation in the area?

BTW, 'testing in laboratories' does not equate with 'studies'. The Wikipedia article doesn't detail just what the studies were, or what sort of tumors were studied. The 'doses heavy enough' to kill the rats weren't quantified either.

You may be old enough to remember the Peach Pit Cure. Wealthy cancer sufferers headed to Mexico in enough numbers to make the news, and sometimes their cancers shrunk. More often, their bank accounts showed the only shrinkage.

The ongoing research in genetics looks more promising to me than both peach pits and Essiac.


----------



## Elgarian

I've only just now seen this thread, and want to say that I too am very sorry to read this news. The difficulty about bleak times like this - whether the pain is physical or psychological - is that when we're right in the middle of it, it's terribly difficult to imagine life ever being any better. And the worst of it is that it's a lesson impossible to learn - every time it happens, it feels just as bad, just as intolerable, just as potentially everlasting.

But what I can say, which might be slightly helpful, is that those _feelings_ are misleading. I've experienced a number of such dark and hopeless periods myself (different to yours in character, but the same in debilitating effect), when I felt as if the game, as I knew it, was effectively over. And every time, _the feelings were wrong_. Here I still am, despite all my fear and agonising in the past, and life is pretty good, all things considered.

So although you can't help feeling the despair, don't trust it. It's a liar. It'll try to make you give up. Don't. Plod on, however painfully, however miserably, because although it feels as if it'll never pass, actually it will. We're all far more adaptable than we think we are. And make sure you coddle yourself. I realise this is difficult because a lot of activities aren't available to you, but if there's anything that can be done that brings some measure of relief, _do_ it, to as much excess as you can cope with. I don't know what it might be, but anything that's even slightly relaxing can be beneficial. Soaking in warm baths is one that works for me, but we're all different.

I really hope these new pills make a significant improvement for you. 
All the very best.
Alan


----------



## Fsharpmajor

Based on post #83, i would say that Polednice needs the strong, allopathic stuff. The cures for the more scary diseases *will* be somewhat scary. Homeopathy and the power of positive thinking might work for some medical conditions--the placebo effect is undeniably a real thing--but not when we are talking about complex glandular cancer.

Polednice, if you want to, flag up anything I have said in this thread for removal by the moderators, because I know that I sometimes go thoughtlessly overboard with black humour.


----------



## hawk

@Elgarian~Very nice words and thoughts that are helpful for us all. Thank you!

@Hilltroll~my friend worked in the shipyards (military) in the 50's and 60's. I don't recall where but it wasn't in Maine. FWIW I don't disagree with your thoughts about genetics...


----------



## Fsharpmajor

Hilltroll72 said:


> You may be old enough to remember the Peach Pit Cure. Wealthy cancer sufferers headed to Mexico in enough numbers to make the news, and sometimes their cancers shrunk. More often, their bank accounts showed the only shrinkage.


I think the Peach Pit Cure could actually be made to work, because its active principle is hydrogen cyanide. Okay, the cure was worse than the disease, but if you could design a cyanogenic compound which mainly, or ideally only, releases HCN in cancer cells, emphatically terminating their respiration, you might well have a winner on your hands.


----------



## Polednice

*sospiro*: Hahahaa! Maybe it's my small dose of Vampirism! 

And I didn't know about any of this stuff until just under two years ago! I'm just glad that, though my internal organs are an absolute train-wreck, they can all be modified, rewired, and bypassed (eventually!) so that I'll live just as long as anyone else - so long as no diagnostic mistakes are made in the future, of course. 

*Fsharpmajor*: That was precisely my first thought (about the orgasmic silver lining)!  Unfortunately, I'm not in Oxford until Sunday, so you'll have to wait on that big night out.  And don't worry about your humour - it's precisely the kind I like!

*hawk*, of course it makes sense that medical science doesn't know everything about substances or treatments that can improve conditions still under research, but I don't think it's wise for people to then search for "alternative" treatments. There is no such thing as "alternative" medicine - if it works, it is just medicine. I won't get into that debate though - as it stands, though there aren't any drugs I can take to cure my condition, full treatment is available in the form of extensive surgery and I'm happy with that. 

[splitting post because stupid editor is being stupid...]


----------



## Polednice

[...other part]

*Alan*, thank you very much for everything you said - you rather eloquently (as always!) hit the nail on the head. There have only been a few times when I have actually not wanted to carry plodding along. I have a benchmark bad experience in a traumatic post-operative infection I had... OMG, precisely 365 days ago!  To think, I was in an ambulance this time last year... Anyway, yes, it shut down my digestive system, and I was put in quarantine, the doctors not knowing precisely what was wrong. To think, despite literally screaming every three seconds because of the most tremendous abdominal pain, plus all kinds of green vomiting and fever, I was fobbed off for three days with ****ing paracetamol! But, eventually, a lovely special care nurse came with a stash of morphine! Yaaaaaaaaaay, my best friend! Anyway, my point is that, since then, I have always been able to look back and know that I am not (and probably never will) experience the kind of pain I did then - there wasn't even any emotional pain, just physical pain so extreme that I wanted to die.

I am far from that now! My pills are making me perky! To the point of insomnia actually... Hmm, this will be interesting!


----------



## Ukko

Fsharpmajor said:


> I think the Peach Pit Cure could actually be made to work, because its active principle is hydrogen cyanide. Okay, the cure was worse than the disease, but if you could design a cyanogenic compound which mainly, or ideally only, releases HCN in cancer cells, emphatically terminating their respiration, you might well have a winner on your hands.


This will be my last thread-highjacking post here.... What you describe is called 'targeting', right? I think a biological agent, probably created/controlled by gene manipulation, has the main focus now. The other (speculative) concept is nano-devices; as a former SF nut I like that approach, even though I feel an illogical connection with "Terminator".


----------



## Fsharpmajor

Hilltroll72 said:


> This will be my last thread-highjacking post here.... What you describe is called 'targeting', right? I think a biological agent, probably created/controlled by gene manipulation, has the main focus now. The other (speculative) concept is nano-devices; as a former SF nut I like that approach, even though I feel an illogical connection with "Terminator".


It is *not at all* a thread-highjacking post. What we're going to see in the next ten years is much better, more targeted treatments for cancer, with far fewer side effects. This isn't just a naive prediction--it's the way forward, and it's already under way, but I'm a bit worried that the world economy is going to collapse in the meantime. We could find ourselves in a Mad Max dystopia where cancer is completely curable, but nothing else is.


----------



## Lukecash12

Fsharpmajor said:


> It is *not at all* a thread-highjacking post. What we're going to see in the next ten years is much better, more targeted treatments for cancer, with far fewer side effects. This isn't just a naive prediction--it's the way forward, and it's already under way, but I'm a bit worried that the world economy is going to collapse in the meantime. We could find ourselves in a Mad Max dystopia where cancer is completely curable, but nothing else is.


If you don't my being frank and honest, I'd point out that most of these politically alarmist viewpoints come from the mouths of people without degrees in economics or even more study into the political sciences than philosophical ethics, regime orders, and ideals for justice. You've seemed an intelligent fellow to me, so I'd like to have an entertaining little discussion with you, via PM, if you'd like.


----------



## Sid James

What I'd like to add is that I find Polednice quite inspiring in the way he's dealing with his illness. I should talk directly, Polednice, you are inspiring in many ways - your humour and kind of stoicism in face of difficulties (very English, like they were in the war!). I have a friend who many years ago almost died, was at the brink of death, but somehow made it through and is now amost 100 per cent recovered. She's back to her old self fully now (her grumpy self, actually :lol: ). I know this is difficult but now I'll stop whinging about my own problems which in comparison are nothing. I knew you were sick but not that sick as to have tumours (benign or not, they're a worry, I agree). It's good that they sorted your medications out & hopefully this will help you to get on with life...


----------



## Kopachris

Sid James said:


> What I'd like to add is that I find Polednice quite inspiring in the way he's dealing with his illness. I should talk directly, Polednice, you are inspiring in many ways - your humour and kind of stoicism in face of difficulties (very English, like they were in the war!).


That statement reminded me of a line in _Dark Side of the Moon_ by Pink Floyd: _Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way / The time is gone, the song is over / Thought I'd something more to say..._

Of course, this case is somewhat different, since our dear Polednice isn't _hanging on in quiet desperation_, but is (hopefully) demanding to see Life's manager in order to return the lemons that Life game him.


----------



## Fsharpmajor

Lukecash12 said:


> If you don't my being frank and honest, I'd point out that most of these politically alarmist viewpoints come from the mouths of people without degrees in economics or even more study into the political sciences than philosophical ethics, regime orders, and ideals for justice. You've seemed an intelligent fellow to me, so I'd like to have an entertaining little discussion with you, via PM, if you'd like.


I was being satirical--I'm not actually fatalistic about human progress, most of the time.


----------



## Lukecash12

Fsharpmajor said:


> I was being satirical--I'm not actually fatalistic about human progress, most of the time.


Ah, okay. I'm just endlessly entertained by people who tell me that America and the European union is going down the toilet, and then they don't know what America's yearly budget actually looks like.


----------



## lou

Getting back to *Polednice* , it is his thread after all 

What's the weather like over there?

Here in normally sunny Florida, we've been having some heavy rains. Of course, the sun eventually comes shining through afterwards.


----------



## sospiro

lou said:


> Getting back to *Polednice* , it is his thread after all
> 
> What's the weather like over there?
> 
> Here in normally sunny Florida, we've been having some heavy rains. Of course, the sun eventually comes shining through afterwards.


:tiphat: Lou

Not sure what it's like in the *Land of the Polednices* (is that the plural of Polednice?) (is there more than one??!!  )

Nowhere's very far away from anywhere in UK so I'm betting the weather in *Poledniceland* isn't that different from where I live and it's absolutely fabulous here. We're having a beautiful Indian Summer & will hopefully last a few more days.


----------



## Polednice

Sid James said:


> What I'd like to add is that I find Polednice quite inspiring in the way he's dealing with his illness. I should talk directly, Polednice, you are inspiring in many ways - your humour and kind of stoicism in face of difficulties (very English, like they were in the war!). I have a friend who many years ago almost died, was at the brink of death, but somehow made it through and is now amost 100 per cent recovered. She's back to her old self fully now (her grumpy self, actually :lol: ). I know this is difficult but now I'll stop whinging about my own problems which in comparison are nothing. I knew you were sick but not that sick as to have tumours (benign or not, they're a worry, I agree). It's good that they sorted your medications out & hopefully this will help you to get on with life...


Thank you very much! It's so kind of you! 

The one thing I would say though is that I'd never want people to consider their problems any lesser than mine, just as I wouldn't trivialize my own difficulties in comparison to the extremes of poverty. Wellness and illness are always relative to an individual's own experiences, so I can understand for example how a bad cold can make someone feel like crap, and I would always try to sympathize. The day I say: "you don't have it as bad as me" is the day I stop caring about others. It just so happens that, relative to my own general state of health, I have had a particularly hard time lately.

Lou, as sospiro implied with her unfortunate praise, the weather has been very hot today, but this is a terrible state of affairs for the one and only Polednice! I don't cope with warmth at all well, both because I find it intolerable, and because I feel uncomfortable in just one layer of clothes for personal reasons.


----------



## Klavierspieler

Polednice said:


> Thank you very much! It's so kind of you!
> 
> The one thing I would say though is that I'd never want people to consider their problems any lesser than mine, just as I wouldn't trivialize my own difficulties in comparison to the extremes of poverty. Wellness and illness are always relative to an individual's own experiences, so I can understand for example how a bad cold can make someone feel like crap, and I would always try to sympathize. The day I say: "you don't have it as bad as me" is the day I stop caring about others. It just so happens that, relative to my own general state of health, I have had a particularly hard time lately.
> 
> Lou, as sospiro implied with her unfortunate praise, the weather has been very hot today, but this is a terrible state of affairs for the one and only Polednice! I don't cope with warmth at all well, both because I find it intolerable, and because I feel uncomfortable in just one layer of clothes for personal reasons.


You should move to Western Washington, it's never warm here!


----------



## sospiro

Polednice said:


> Thank you very much! It's so kind of you!
> 
> The one thing I would say though is that I'd never want people to consider their problems any lesser than mine, just as I wouldn't trivialize my own difficulties in comparison to the extremes of poverty. Wellness and illness are always relative to an individual's own experiences, so I can understand for example how a bad cold can make someone feel like crap, and I would always try to sympathize. The day I say: "you don't have it as bad as me" is the day I stop caring about others. It just so happens that, relative to my own general state of health, I have had a particularly hard time lately.


You sound just as bad as a colleague of mine. She's just been diagnosed with multiple myeloma, is in a pretty bad way at the moment, (on intravenous morphine) & is worried about our work load, now that we'll be taking on some of hers. Like having to shuffle some more pieces of paper about is so _awful_.



Polednice said:


> ...the weather has been very hot today, but this is a terrible state of affairs for the one and only Polednice! I don't cope with warmth at all well, both because I find it intolerable, and because I feel uncomfortable in just one layer of clothes for personal reasons.


Sorry, selfish of me, I forget not everyone likes it hot hot hot.


----------



## Lukecash12

Well Polednice, have you been catching up on your Poirot recently?


----------



## Sid James

Polednice said:


> Thank you very much! It's so kind of you! ...


Not at all mate (or "chum" or "chap" as you might say over there). Thank you for sharing/reflecting.



> The one thing I would say though is that I'd never want people to consider their problems any lesser than mine, just as I wouldn't trivialize my own difficulties in comparison to the extremes of poverty. Wellness and illness are always relative to an individual's own experiences, so I can understand for example how a bad cold can make someone feel like crap, and I would always try to sympathize. The day I say: "you don't have it as bad as me" is the day I stop caring about others. It just so happens that, relative to my own general state of health, I have had a particularly hard time lately...


I understand that quite well. I've known a number of friends going through similar things & have had a few rough patches myself. I'm just saying my hardships do seem relatively smaller to me when reading your story/situation. It's true though that it's difficult to compare, we all tread our own paths, we do it our own way as Frank Sinatra sang...


----------



## Polednice

Lukecash12 said:


> Well Polednice, have you been catching up on your Poirot recently?


I've watched one or two recently, but I haven't really been doing anything I like this past couple of weeks because my new pills - which _do_ help my concentration - seem to me making me a _lot_ more depressed.


----------



## Ukko

Polednice said:


> I've watched one or two recently, but I haven't really been doing anything I like this past couple of weeks because my new pills - which _do_ help my concentration - seem to me making me a _lot_ more depressed.


Depressed, eh? Have you considered that it may be the projected personalities of a few TC members that are the cause?

Selective shuffling of entities on your 'ignore' list could be revelatory. For instance, try not reading _Hilltroll72_ for a week.

I have to admit that this recipe hasn't worked for me. In the case of my Mutual Annoyer, I end up viewing the majority of his posts anyway; he's annoying, but often interesting.


----------



## sospiro

Polednice said:


> I've watched one or two recently, but I haven't really been doing anything I like this past couple of weeks because my new pills - which _do_ help my concentration - seem to me making me a _lot_ more depressed.


Not fair 

Don't know whether you've heard of Andrew Richards but he does a good blog. The bed story might give you a chuckle.


----------



## Polednice

Hahahaha, I'm fairly certain that the more annoying personalities on TC aren't affecting me so badly! 

As an ironic development to this thread, which I started on the basis of feeling terrible because I wasn't being given the magical new pills I needed, my consultant has just told me to stop taking them because they are affecting me too severely! Back to square one!










(The course of treatment now, by the way, will be an operation to remove the tumour from my pituitary gland).


----------



## Meaghan

BLAAAARGH how frustrating! It's probably not very comforting of me to say so, but this is all VERY POOPY.  Well, you are in my thoughts. And lots of people's, I'm sure. And, should you want to vent, or just chat with someone, you are welcome to PM me.


----------



## Ukko

Polednice said:


> [...]
> (The course of treatment now, by the way, will be an operation to remove the tumour from my pituitary gland).


I hope the results are _extremely_ beneficial... but hope you realize it's too late to do anything about those eye teeth.


----------



## lou

Hopefully the "new" treatment will also result in a permanent relief for you Poley and an end to medication?

By the way, *Couchie* has secretly offered to PM you "artistic" photos of himself, in order to cheer you up.


----------



## sospiro

Polednice said:


> (The course of treatment now, by the way, will be an operation to remove the tumour from my pituitary gland).


Oh that is so bloody awful 

You've already been through the mill several times & now you've got to go round again. Hey someone, we have enough flour, we don't need Poley to dangle off the mill wheel any more.


----------



## Fsharpmajor

Polednice loves black humour, but still, he needs to grant me special permission in advance to say something particularly morbid. Without it, I will go to Hell when I die.


----------



## Polednice

Fsharpmajor said:


> Polednice loves black humour, but still, he needs to grant me special permission in advance to say something particularly morbid. Without it, I will go to Hell when I die.


Please, please, say it now! I need cheering up!


----------



## Fsharpmajor

Oh, all right. But let the record state that you absolutely insisted. 

*A minor slip of the scalpel could destroy the Brahms appreciation sector of your brain.*

Hope that helps.


----------



## samurai

OUCH! You really know how to hurt a guy, even if he asked you to.!!


----------



## Polednice

Fsharpmajor said:


> Oh, all right. But let the record state that you absolutely insisted.
> 
> *A minor slip of the scalpel could destroy the Brahms appreciation sector of your brain.*
> 
> Hope that helps.


Hahahahaha!  Don't worry, that's rather tame to my depressed death fantasies this week, and at least yours has humour.


----------



## samurai

Hey guys, this humor is getting a little *grave*, don't you think?  :lol:


----------



## Fsharpmajor

Somebody once said the only thing worse than disease is medicine. I don't believe it, though. Fcuk everyone who thinks that way.


----------



## Almaviva

Polednice, they're proposing surgery to remove a prolactinoma? How high is your prolactin level, do you know? And have they considered radiation?


----------



## Lukecash12

Stop being depressed, with the Happy Happy Joy Joy song!


----------



## samurai

*Ren* and *Stimpy*; it's been years since I watched them. They were very funny indeed! Nice find. :tiphat:


----------



## Ukko

Polednice said:


> Hahahahaha!  Don't worry, that's rather tame to my depressed death fantasies this week, and at least yours has humour.


Not to worry. The Brahms Appreciation Sector is far away from the pituitary, in the frontal lobe. In fact, there is evidence, only recently discovered, that the Brahms Appreciation Sector of the brain came into existence in the spring of 1805, in Austria, apparently stimulated by the music of Beethoven.


----------



## Polednice

Almaviva said:


> Polednice, they're proposing surgery to remove a prolactinoma? How high is your prolactin level, do you know? And have they considered radiation?


In my latest test (a few weeks ago), my prolactin was (in whatever units) 1046, the reference range being approximately 45-375.

From what I gather, the operation is fairly simple, and is usually the first course of action, radiation being used as a supplement to an operation if necessary.


----------



## Almaviva

OK, given the reference ranges, this must be in mIU/L rather than micrograms per liter. So you'd have approximately 50 in micrograms per liter, and for tumors this size, surgery is fine and you probably won't need radiation.


----------



## Fsharpmajor

Polednice said:


> From what I gather, the operation is fairly simple


It isn't if you have a head cold. Then, they need to go in from the top. 

(More black humour. Please don't kill me. )


----------



## Polednice

I've been reading more about the operation, and it's a little more complicated than I assumed, and requires a little longer hospitalisation. Plus, there's a 20% chance of my prolactin remaining high, as well as a whole host of possible complications I didn't know about (and, knowing my past luck, are probably likely).

My body really is such a giant piece of ****. I hate myself at times like this.


----------



## itywltmt

Hang in there, piggy.

Here's an article I just scanned that may be of peripheral interest.

http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life...an-think-your-way-out-of-pain/article2192230/


----------



## Ukko

Polednice said:


> I've been reading more about the operation, and it's a little more complicated than I assumed, and requires a little longer hospitalisation. Plus, there's a 20% chance of my prolactin remaining high, as well as a whole host of possible complications I didn't know about (and, knowing my past luck, are probably likely).
> 
> My body really is such a giant piece of ****. I hate myself at times like this.


NEVER read the list of side effects/complications! Anyway, nowhere in there did it mention a threat to your Brahms Appreciation.

Also, you must be aware that even _Alma_'s Anna has an alimentary canal, a significant portion of which must contain feces-to-be.


----------



## Almaviva

Hilltroll72 said:


> NEVER read the list of side effects/complications! Anyway, nowhere in there did it mention a threat to your Brahms Appreciation.
> 
> Also, you must be aware that even _Alma_'s Anna has an alimentary canal, a significant portion of which must contain feces-to-be.


No she *doesn't! *Stop spreading around this kind of calumny! I won't believe that my Anna is full of s......!

Now, Polednice, lists of possible complications and side effects include everything under the sun that has ever happened to people, it doesn't mean it will happen to you. You need to think of the overwhelming majority of people who don't get the complications and the side effects. You know that they list all that could possibly happen as a way to decrease liability, they don't really expect that you'll get these complications.


----------



## Polednice

I know, I'm being irrational... It's just that some of my physical symptoms severely affect my mental well-being, and, sentimental and pathetic as it sounds, I just want to be happy for a sustainable period for a change, and the mere thought that my fourth operation might not work - just like the last 3 (which were 'successful' but had little impact on my well-being) - is enough to bring me down.

*slaps wrist*


----------



## sospiro

Polednice said:


> I know, I'm being irrational... It's just that some of my physical symptoms severely affect my mental well-being, and, sentimental and pathetic as it sounds, I just want to be happy for a sustainable period for a change, and the mere thought that my fourth operation might not work - just like the last 3 (which were 'successful' but had little impact on my well-being) - is enough to bring me down.






Polednice said:


> *slaps wrist*


Yeah right, like saying "snap out of it" will cure it.

Don't be so hard on yourself. You have every right to feel down.


----------



## Polednice

sospiro said:


> Yeah right, like saying "snap out of it" will cure it.
> 
> Don't be so hard on yourself. You have every right to feel down.


Thanks.  That cute little smiley made me smile!


----------



## sospiro

Polednice said:


> Thanks.  That cute little smiley made me smile!


I just wish there was something more I could do than just typing words on a screen.


----------



## Polednice

sospiro said:


> I just wish there was something more I could do than just typing words on a screen.


Awww, that's very kind, but there's little the people I see every day can even do! That's the most frustrating thing for me, really - the endless waiting for the few people who can help with whatever necessary treatments.

In the mean time, although I am of course still prone to getting rather upset, it is genuinely uplifting to see how caring you and others are on the forum. Especially as I find it very difficult to make friends in the real world, you might be surprised just how much it means to me!


----------



## Fsharpmajor

sospiro said:


> Yeah right, like saying "snap out of it" will cure it.
> 
> Don't be so hard on yourself. You have every right to feel down.


Try to see the bright side. If the op turns your brain into a strawberry milkshake, the pain will be transitory. In the meantime, have you considered the option of lashing out blindly against other people?


----------



## Polednice

Fsharpmajor said:


> Try to see the bright side. If the op turns your brain into a strawberry milkshake, the pain will be transitory. In the meantime, have you considered the option of lashing out blindly against other people?


Hahahahah!  Interesting how, at this moment, reading this coincides with you having 666 posts.  I'm afraid, despite my fangs and yearning for blood, I am far too nice even to people I despise.


----------



## Ukko

Fsharpmajor said:


> Try to see the bright side. If the op turns your brain into a strawberry milkshake, the pain will be transitory. In the meantime, have you considered the option of lashing out blindly against other people?


Philosophically flawed, I think. Lashing out works better when directed at specific targets. For instance, that Hilltroll72 dweeb is clearly senile (and thousands of miles away).


----------



## Almaviva

Hilltroll72 said:


> Philosophically flawed, I think. Lashing out works better when directed at specific targets. For instance, that Hilltroll72 dweeb is clearly senile (and thousands of miles away).


Hey, no lashing out at Anna Netrebko!!!


----------



## Sid James

Hilltroll72 said:


> Philosophically flawed, I think. Lashing out works better when directed at specific targets. For instance, that Hilltroll72 dweeb is clearly senile (and thousands of miles away).


That reminds me of the modus operandi of a number of our dear departed former "objectionable" members. I still have nightmares about those, but guys with good attitude like yourself here are proving that internet forums can be much better than that...


----------



## Sid James

Almaviva said:


> Hey, no lashing out at Anna Netrebko!!!


I certainly know who's at the top of your "canon" of great musicians!...


----------



## Fsharpmajor

Polednice said:


> Interesting how, at this moment, reading this coincides with you having 666 posts


Not only that, my key has six sharps.


----------



## Polednice

Update: I am back where I was in the OP. But this time I'm actually back at university, struggling with work. 

I saw my consultant today. We talked about how the evil medication made me worse. Two alternatives: pituitary surgery (complicated and risky like I thought - she confirmed this as a bad option) or testosterone replacement.

So, I'm waiting for a _new_ magical medication now, in the form of a testosterone gel. Again - just like with the pills - I have to wait for an unnecessary blood test, and then for my doctor to write a letter to my GP specifying medicine and dose (assuming she even lets me have it after the blood results!). Looking at another 2-3 weeks. And I feel terrible.

Waiting is the most horrible part of life.


----------



## sospiro

Polednice said:


> Update: I am back where I was in the OP. But this time I'm actually back at university, struggling with work.
> 
> I saw my consultant today. We talked about how the evil medication made me worse. Two alternatives: pituitary surgery (complicated and risky like I thought - she confirmed this as a bad option) or testosterone replacement.
> 
> So, I'm waiting for a _new_ magical medication now, in the form of a testosterone gel. Again - just like with the pills - I have to wait for an unnecessary blood test, and then for my doctor to write a letter to my GP specifying medicine and dose (assuming she even lets me have it after the blood results!). Looking at another 2-3 weeks. And I feel terrible.
> 
> Waiting is the most horrible part of life.




This is so bloody disgraceful. Isn't there any way you can get them to move a bit quicker??!!

Can I march up & down in front of the surgery with a banner saying get Polednice his gel NOW or your cat gets it (curtains that is not the gel)?


----------



## Polednice

sospiro said:


> This is so bloody disgraceful. Isn't there any way you can get them to move a bit quicker??!!
> 
> Can I march up & down in front of the surgery with a banner saying get Polednice his gel NOW or your cat gets it (curtains that is not the gel)?


That 2-3 weeks _is_ the quick option. If I hadn't have said anything about it, my consultant would have been quite happy to have me wait 4-5 months until my next appointment with her.

Please do march all you like! 

The worst thing about this whole situation really is the abominable waiting. The symptoms I can get through. But the waiting... I mean, for example, my consultant was an hour late for our appointment today. Imagine being in a waiting room for someone, and they take an hour. Maybe two hours. Imagine you're at A&E, and you can even be there for half a day. You're away from home; away from areas of interest. You might have brought a book with you, but you're living for those hours on _someone else's_ time. That's what I have to do every time something like this happens. I can't read, I can't work, I can't play the piano; I have no motivation to listen to much music. I am practically sat in that waiting room for weeks on end, but because I'm at home, no one gives a ****. I'd be better off hospitalised so that they see me every day and don't have to write and send letters to GPs.


----------



## sospiro

Polednice said:


> That 2-3 weeks _is_ the quick option. If I hadn't have said anything about it, my consultant would have been quite happy to have me wait 4-5 months until my next appointment with her.
> 
> The worst thing about this whole situation really is the abominable waiting. The symptoms I can get through. But the waiting... I mean, for example, my consultant was an hour late for our appointment today. Imagine being in a waiting room for someone, and they take an hour. Maybe two hours. Imagine you're at A&E, and you can even be there for half a day. You're away from home; away from areas of interest. You might have brought a book with you, but you're living for those hours on _someone else's_ time. That's what I have to do every time something like this happens. I can't read, I can't work, I can't play the piano; I have no motivation to listen to much music. I am practically sat in that waiting room for weeks on end, but because I'm at home, no one gives a ****. I'd be better off hospitalised so that they see me every day and don't have to write and send letters to GPs.


Have you thought of contacting the press/your MP? NHS hates adverse publicity & it might get things moving a bit quicker.


----------



## Polednice

sospiro said:


> Have you thought of contacting the press/your MP? NHS hates adverse publicity & it might get things moving a bit quicker.


The main reason why I haven't is because I don't think this is atypical. I think this is how the NHS is run all over the country. If you have a consultant, you're lucky if you hear from them more than 2 or 3 times a year, and every hospital seems incapable of contacting other hospitals or doctor's surgeries.


----------



## sospiro

Polednice said:


> The main reason why I haven't is because I don't think this is atypical. I think this is how the NHS is run all over the country. If you have a consultant, you're lucky if you hear from them more than 2 or 3 times a year, and every hospital seems incapable of contacting other hospitals or doctor's surgeries.


In a way it must be worse for someone like you who is educated & highly intelligent. You have thoroughly researched your condition, prognosis etc & have a good idea what treatment/medication you should receive.

If you were a brick short as it were, you'd still be ill but you'd be more accepting of your lot.

Feel free to pm me if you think there's anything at all I can do. Priority admission to Stafford Hospital?


----------



## Meaghan

They shall render me murderous, those doctors of yours.


----------



## Polednice

Meaghan said:


> They shall render me murderous, those doctors of yours.


I has bought you postcard, dear Meaghan, but I can't send it until Monday because the Post Office is closed on weekends and things have been so hectic these past couple of days.  It's a nice card though.


----------



## samurai

Polednice said:


> That 2-3 weeks _is_ the quick option. If I hadn't have said anything about it, my consultant would have been quite happy to have me wait 4-5 months until my next appointment with her.
> 
> Please do march all you like!
> 
> The worst thing about this whole situation really is the abominable waiting. The symptoms I can get through. But the waiting... I mean, for example, my consultant was an hour late for our appointment today. Imagine being in a waiting room for someone, and they take an hour. Maybe two hours. Imagine you're at A&E, and you can even be there for half a day. You're away from home; away from areas of interest. You might have brought a book with you, but you're living for those hours on _someone else's_ time. That's what I have to do every time something like this happens. I can't read, I can't work, I can't play the piano; I have no motivation to listen to much music. I am practically sat in that waiting room for weeks on end, but because I'm at home, no one gives a ****. I'd be better off hospitalised so that they see me every day and don't have to write and send letters to GPs.


@ Polednice, I am so sorry you are still going through this bureacratic medical nightmare on top of your physical ailments. And I had always thought things were better in that regard in the U.K. than in America. I guess I shall have to entirely rethink that assumption.


----------



## Polednice

samurai said:


> @ Polednice, I am so sorry you are still going through this bureacratic medical nightmare on top of your physical ailments. And I had always thought things were better in that regard in the U.K. than in America. I guess I shall have toentirely rethink that assumption.


It's dire but it's free. I suppose I should be thankful I get healthcare at all for a rare condition like this :/ Go me!


----------



## myaskovsky2002

Polednice said:


> That's a rather nice way of looking at it.
> 
> I've briefly considered it before, but it sadly isn't feasible. My university has densely-packed terms with workloads and class environments that require a physical presence, and, because my area is so specialised (medieval English), I don't have a hope in hell of referencing even a fraction of the books I need unless I'm at the university library! My main trouble in this regard is with reading and writing because I have a chronic tiredness and concentration problem caused by my condition.
> 
> The most frustrating thing for me is that, after 15 months away from university on suspension already, I made the decision to return two months ago. Even that recently, I actually felt well enough to go back, but my condition is so unpredictable that it's only become clear in the past few weeks that my health has been deteriorating dramatically once again. My other concern on top of this is that, except for these new pills I should start taking soon, there is no more treatment I can have for my condition, so I have to seriously consider that this state of ill-health (or something near this) is permanent. Would that mean I can never be fit to do a degree? I don't know... :/
> 
> Thank you!  It's so wonderful being here, and to know that I can talk about anything with this wonderfully diverse but always loveable group of people!


and you are *introverted*...Just to remind your own words

Martin


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## Polednice

myaskovsky2002 said:


> and you are *introverted*...Just to remind your own words
> 
> Martin


Yeah, all right Martin, you think everyone unfairly judges extroverts, and yet you have a vendetta against anyone who dares to call themselves introverted, despite having no idea what it means. Take it to another thread...

EDIT: Have you ever perhaps wondered that I seek the kind consolation I get from this forum because I don't have friends in the real world that I can often get it from? It's not because I'm an attention-seeker. Or maybe, to fit your definition, you'd rather I just suffered in ABSOLUTE silence. Maybe slitting my wrists or something as well.


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## samurai

Polednice said:


> It's dire but it's free. I suppose I should be thankful I get healthcare at all for a rare condition like this :/ Go me!


It might be "free" as far as the finances go, but is obviously costing you terribly--as it would any of us--emotionally and spiritually, which can be far more costly in the long run.


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## Meaghan

Polednice said:


> I has bought you postcard, dear Meaghan


Yay!



> but I can't send it until Monday because the Post Office is closed on weekends and things have been so hectic these past couple of days.


That's okay. I hope things become less hectic, because hectic is lame.



> It's a nice card though.


Yay!


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## Ukko

Polednice said:


> Yeah, all right Martin, you think everyone unfairly judges extroverts, and yet you have a vendetta against anyone who dares to call themselves introverted, despite having no idea what it means. Take it to another thread...
> 
> EDIT: Have you ever perhaps wondered that I seek the kind consolation I get from this forum because I don't have friends in the real world that I can often get it from? It's not because I'm an attention-seeker. Or maybe, to fit your definition, you'd rather I just suffered in ABSOLUTE silence. Maybe slitting my wrists or something as well.


I suspect that Martin is in the same position of ignorance that I am, in that neither of us has a real clue what you are dealing with. I - and several other TC members - are offering what I call acerbic humor to distract you from the discomfort. Martin may be working to the same end in another way. Well, maybe not.


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## Polednice

Hilltroll72 said:


> I suspect that Martin is in the same position of ignorance that I am, in that neither of us has a real clue what you are dealing with. I - and several other TC members - are offering what I call acerbic humor to distract you from the discomfort. Martin may be working to the same end in another way. Well, maybe not.


I'm _always_ a fan of acerbic humour, and, Trollman, you are one of the best deliverers! Martin, I think, just talks in tongues, and occasionally (maybe accidentally?) spits out an ill-thought comment.


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## whiteroses

Polednice said:


> There are enough delightful characters on this forum, and most of you know me quite well, for me to think that this post won't be taken as an attention-seeking cry for sympathy, so I want to ask you what you do (or what you would do, should you be lucky enough to have not experienced this) if you were in great emotional and physical pain that you _knew_ was here to stay.
> 
> I'm extremely ill at the moment. I'm supposed to be going back to university in two weeks (after 15 months away for ill health) and, though I'll get all the 'benefits' of being a disabled student, I don't think I will manage because my body is in such bad shape. My doctors are pretty ****ing useless - there are pills I really, really, really _need_, but which I don't have because they can't do their damn paperwork on time. So, as it stands, I'm at home all day every day, the oddball of the family; I don't have many friends at all - none round here; and my partner is a long, long way away, so I'm depressed, lonely, and suffering.
> 
> /end probably inappropriate post. :/


Oh Polednice...I am so very sorry to know that you are feeling like this.  You may not remember me...I made a brief intro last August then got swallowed up by work and could not follow up my initial posts. As I was preparing my post tonight, you were the first one I was thinking of addressing because you promised to make it your mission to show me the " vapidity and shallowness of Rachmaninov". Maybe this will provide a welcome distraction away from the aches and pains you are feeling now???

The following may offer you some food for thought .... from The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran...(you probably know it already, if you do, please pardon the repetition)

_Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.
Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.
And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy;
And you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields.
And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief._

My very best and positive thoughts for you.....wr


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## Polednice

whiteroses said:


> Oh Polednice...I am so very sorry to know that you are feeling like this.  You may not remember me...I made a brief intro last August then got swallowed up by work and could not follow up my initial posts. As I was preparing my post tonight, you were the first one I was thinking of addressing because you promised to make it your mission to show me the " vapidity and shallowness of Rachmaninov". Maybe this will provide a welcome distraction away from the aches and pains you are feeling now???
> 
> The following may offer you some food for thought .... from The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran...(you probably know it already, if you do, please pardon the repetition)
> 
> _Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.
> Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.
> And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy;
> And you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields.
> And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief._
> 
> My very best and positive thoughts for you.....wr


Awww, thank you so much! I thought your name was familiar, but I couldn't quite place it, and then I knew _exactly_ when you mentioned my comment about the "vapidity and shallowness of Rachmaninov"!  I do make myself laugh sometimes.  I will uphold that mission, by the way!

I hadn't read that before, so thank you for sharing it. Your post has given me a laugh and a thought just before I settle myself in bed. Thanks.


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## Vaneyes

"What's the matter with you? What did you say? Your nerves? Well, hell, you're nothing but a God-damned coward. Shut up! I'm not going to have a man sitting here crying! In front of these brave men who have been wounded in battle! Don't admit this yellow *******. There's nothing wrong with him. I won't have a man who's just afraid to fight stinking up this place of honor! You will get him back up to the front. You're going back to the front, boy. You may get shot, and you may get killed, but you're going back to the fighting. Either that, or I'll stand you up before a firing squad. Why, I ought to shoot you right now, you... God-damned *******! Get him out of here! Take him back to the front! You hear me? You God-damned coward! I won't have cowards in my army."
- Patton


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## Polednice

Vaneyes said:


> "What's the matter with you? What did you say? Your nerves? Well, hell, you're nothing but a God-damned coward. Shut up! I'm not going to have a man sitting here crying! In front of these brave men who have been wounded in battle! Don't admit this yellow *******. There's nothing wrong with him. I won't have a man who's just afraid to fight stinking up this place of honor! You will get him back up to the front. You're going back to the front, boy. You may get shot, and you may get killed, but you're going back to the fighting. Either that, or I'll stand you up before a firing squad. Why, I ought to shoot you right now, you... God-damned *******! Get him out of here! Take him back to the front! You hear me? You God-damned coward! I won't have cowards in my army."


Err... thanks, I suppose! I didn't think I was particularly acting like a coward, but whatever.


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## sospiro

Polednice said:


> Err... thanks, I suppose! I didn't think I was particularly acting like a coward, but whatever.


I think (I certainly hope) Vaneyes' tongue is in the cheek. Reverse & black humour?


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## Polednice

sospiro said:


> I think (I certainly hope) Vaneyes' tongue is in the cheek. Reverse & black humour?


I hope so! When I was reading it, I was thinking: "OK, this is probably just a round about way of saying "hang in there"... wait, no... there's too much anger."


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## Ukko

Polednice said:


> Err... thanks, I suppose! I didn't think I was particularly acting like a coward, but whatever.


Neither was the target of Patton's ire 'acting like a coward'. It's a very powerful scene in the movie. Imagination, even more than the noise, is the proximate enemy of the foot soldier in war. The weeping soldier had been unable to stifle his imagination.

Only _vaneyes_ knows his motive for the post, but there are multiple analogies derivable from it. I think you can extract them as well as I can.


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## Polednice

I see... what movie is it from?


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## Ukko

Polednice said:


> I see... what movie is it from?


Ahem. The movie is titled "Patton".


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## Vaneyes

All can relax. 'Twas dark humor for A Dark Moment thread. Of course I hope Polednice gets the medical attention he needs.

Personally, I've enjoyed having the Patton quote thrown at me. I've found it helps snap me out of morose thought, which we all have occasionally. Of course, if the person whom it's aimed at doesn't know the reference, then....

The quote will be removed if it so offends.

Life can easily be a tragi-comedy.


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## Polednice

Hilltroll72 said:


> Ahem. The movie is titled "Patton".


Hahahahah, oh... I thought that was just a character name... 



Vaneyes said:


> All can relax. 'Twas dark humor for A Dark Moment thread. Of course I hope Polednice gets the medical attention he needs.
> 
> Personally, I've enjoyed having the Patton quote thrown at me. I've found it helps snap me out of morose thought, which we all have occasionally. Of course, if the person whom it's aimed at doesn't know the reference, then....
> 
> The quote will be removed if it so offends.
> 
> Life can easily be a tragi-comedy.


Don't worry, I'm never offended unless someone makes at an explicit personal attack, and, even then, I'll just have it out with them!  I appreciate the gesture, and love a bit of dark humour, but in times of emotional stress, I'm very much of the opinion that it's inappropriate to ever try to have someone snap out of it; they should just be comforted.


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## Fsharpmajor

Polednice said:


> So, I'm waiting for a _new_ magical medication now, in the form of a testosterone gel


You do realize, I hope, that this treatment is probably going to turn you into a Neanderthal.

Even Conan the Barbarian was able to reply with "duh" when the word "Brahms" was said to him.


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## Ukko

Fsharpmajor said:


> You do realize, I hope, that this treatment is probably going to turn you into a Neanderthal.
> 
> Even Conan the Barbarian was able to reply with "duh" when the word "Brahms" was said to him.


Testosterone probably won't augment _Poley_'s 'Duh' propensities. I'm wondering what effect the medics expect it will have on the tumors. Will they migrate to, and morph into muscle tissue? Will the aggressiveness that is associated with that steroid turn_ Poley_ into an Oxfordian _Aramis_? I will stay tuned.

:clap:


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## Polednice

Hahaha, don't worry, I'm sure I'm just going to be turned into a regular male because I'm such a weak, feeble sissy now.


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## jdavid

Very, very sorry to read your post, but can relate totally. I listen to great music almost constantly and over my last 3 years of not insignificant discomfort I have had some success in being distracted from the pain - of course, it really depends on how much pain we're talking about. Not asking for personal stuff, but just saying. Many good thoughts coming your way.


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## Fsharpmajor

Polednice said:


> Hahaha, don't worry, I'm sure I'm just going to be turned into a regular male because I'm such a weak, feeble sissy now.


Actually, the only deleterious side effect of testosterone gel is enhanced appreciation of Wagner.


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## Polednice

Fsharpmajor said:


> Actually, the only deleterious side effect of testosterone gel is enhanced appreciation of Wagner.


NOOO! Well, that's it, I'd rather be ill for the rest of my life.


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## Fsharpmajor

Sorry, I forgot to mention atrophy of your Brahms centre--but don't worry, you won't miss it.


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## Polednice

I just thought I'd update you folks with the good news that I have finally made some headway with the testosterone treatment.

My consultant has been messing me around still, but, now that I am back in Oxford, I have a _wonderful_ GP who doesn't quite acknowledge the same constraints most GPs are bound by.  So, despite the fact that my consultant hadn't been in touch with him, he took one look at my blood results (which, I will add, actually showed that my testosterone had been allowed to slip ridiculously below minimum levels) and just prescribed me the testosterone anyway. I get to pick it up at the pharmacy on Wednesday morning, and then can start my journey towards true manhood! 



My funny GP said:


> It says that you shouldn't apply the gel to your genitals. Do you know why? Well, if you do, your p***s will get bigger. Of course, if you want to ignore the instructions, feel free.


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## sospiro

Polednice said:


> ... I have a _wonderful_ GP who doesn't quite acknowledge the same constraints most GPs are bound by.


So that's what Ozzie's up to these days ...












Polednice said:


> and then can start my journey towards true manhood!


Double check the dosage won't you


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## Polednice

I don't suppose you delightful folks would be so kind as to spare two seconds of your time to vote on a survey, pretty please?! You just have to click this link:

http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/7DPWFP9

and vote for the "Association of Multiple Endocrine Neoplasia Disorders" and whatever second choice you like. 

Annie's already done it, so don't let her upstage you all!


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## sospiro

Polednice said:


> and vote for the "Association of Multiple Endocrine Neoplasia Disorders" and whatever second choice you like.
> 
> Annie's already done it, so don't let her upstage you all!


:angel:

My second choice was for the _Homeless Operaholics Trust_


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## Klavierspieler

My second choice was for Wikipedia...


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## Fsharpmajor

Polednice said:


> I don't suppose you delightful folks would be so kind as to spare two seconds of your time to vote on a survey, pretty please?! You just have to click this link:
> 
> http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/7DPWFP9
> 
> and vote for the "Association of Multiple Endocrine Neoplasia Disorders" and whatever second choice you like.
> 
> Annie's already done it, so don't let her upstage you all!


Done! My second choice was WABAGB (The Wagnerian Anti-Brahms Association of Great Britain).


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## GoneBaroque

OKAY. My second choice was for support of The International Society For The Preservation Of The Right To Arm Bears.


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## kv466

Gone and done it...I went with GB on the second as well


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## hawk

Voted!

My second choice is for the International Society For The Preservation Of Rightously Armed Bears...


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## Polednice

Klavierspieler said:


> My second choice was for Wikipedia...


Noooooooo! I thought it was ridiculous that my honourable charity should be up against Wikipedia, with their ugly pleading faces staring me down for cash every time I use their website! All the suggestions had to be nominated by students as well - what moron was sitting, pondering of worthy causes, and came up with ****ing _Wikipedia_?!


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## Fsharpmajor

Polednice said:


> despite the fact that my consultant hadn't been in touch with him, he took one look at my blood results (which, I will add, actually showed that my testosterone had been allowed to slip ridiculously below minimum levels) and just prescribed me the testosterone anyway


All joking aside (for the moment at least!), I'd be very surprised if this doesn't make you do a whole lot better.


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## lou

Done

Hope you're doing well Poley.


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## samurai

Done, Polednice.


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## Polednice

Thank you, beautiful people!


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## Lukecash12

Crohn's is a pretty worthy cause. If you folks aren't familiar with it, it's a gastrointestinal ailment that can cause bowel inflammation, weight loss, arthritis, severe abdominal pain, rashes, bloody diarrhea, inflammation of the eye, fatigue, and lack of concentration. It's a pretty nasty condition, and it is often a reoccurring threat much like strep throat. Suffice to say it claims markedly young and markedly old people with some frequency. The disease is poorly understood, but it's thought to be linked to microbial factors in temperate environments, and possibly genetic factors as well.


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## sospiro

Lukecash12 said:


> Crohn's is a pretty worthy cause.


That was my *real* second vote. I have a friend with Crohn's & research into it's causes in the young is very important.

But all donations to my Trust for Homeless Operaholics very welcome ..


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## Fsharpmajor

Crohn's is certainly a worthy cause, but being a local, I made my second choice the Oxford Food Bank.


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## Almaviva

Done.
My second choice was The Association for the Preservation of Anna Netrebko's boobs.


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## EddieRUKiddingVarese

nice.......................................


----------

