# Answer An Answer With A Question



## Dim7

The rules are: Somebody comes up with an answer to an unknown question, then the next poster comes up with the question that was just answered. Then that poster, or somebody else, comes up with a new answer, and the next poster makes up the question for that answer etc.

The answer is: Because otherwise there wouldn't be enough Bruckner-ponies in Schoenberg pajamas.


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## TurnaboutVox

The question is: Why have you dressed Gunter Wand and Georg Tintner up as a pantomime horse and sent them to sit in the audience at that night-time performance of Erwartung?


The (next) answer is: Because Dim7 is a lifelong devotee of Humphrey Lyttleton


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## Dim7

TurnaboutVox said:


> The (next) answer is: Because Dim7 is a lifelong devotee of Humphrey Lyttleton


The question is: Why does hearing diminished seventh chords make everyone spend all their money on Humphrey Lyttleton recordings?


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## Ingélou

Dim7 said:


> The rules are: Somebody comes up with an answer to an unknown question, then the next poster comes up with the question that was just answered. *Then that poster, or somebody else, comes up with a new answer*, and the next poster makes up the question for that answer etc.
> 
> The answer is: Because otherwise there wouldn't be enough Bruckner-ponies in Schoenberg pajamas.


What happens when someone forgets to provide the next answer?


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## Balthazar

[Oh, Oh, I've got this one...]



Ingélou said:


> What happens when someone forgets to provide the next answer?


What would Ingélou say if she misinterpreted the _option_ for a questioner to pose the next answer as an _obligation_? And what emoticon would she pair with it?


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## Balthazar

Next answer: That's precisely why Debussy's Daimler was equipped with amphibious capabilities and always fully stocked with Spam.


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## Dr Johnson

How did French composers of the late 19th/early 20th century prepare themselves for the possibility that they might be marooned on a desert island with only 5000 wax cylinders for company?

Next answer: Because the world is round.


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## Ingélou

Answer: Because the world is round.
The question: Why are oranges the most popular fruit globally?

Next answer: I was enjoying the taste of Branston Pickle in the top class restaurant.


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## Dim7

Ingélou said:


> What happens when someone forgets to provide the next answer?


The answer is in the first post:



Dim7 said:


> The rules are: Somebody comes up with an answer to an unknown question, then the next poster comes up with the question that was just answered. Then that poster, *or somebody else*, comes up with a new answer, and the next poster makes up the question for that answer etc.


The answer: I was enjoying the taste of Branston Pickle in the top class restaurant.

The Question: What were you doing the day Branson Pickle was banned in Britain and the top class restaurant was closed?

Next answer: When all questions have been asked.


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## Dr Johnson

When will we be released?

Next answer: Because if it was anticlockwise they wouldn't be able to breed.


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## Ingélou

Answer: Because if it was anticlockwise they wouldn't be able to breed.

Question: Why are the neurons in a Yeti's brain fixed in a clockwise direction?

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New Answer: The third elephant from the left happened to have a soft spot for spaghetti, that's why.


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## TurnaboutVox

Question: Why is the *@$k#+$ stage such a mess after your production of Stravinsky's ballet "Circus Polka: For a Young Elephant", Maestro?

Answer: The third elephant from the left happened to have a soft spot for spaghetti, that's why.









George Balanchine mollifying a temperamental ballet dancer



> There's no way you're not going to want to attend the world premiere of the elephant polka choreographed by George Balanchine and composed by Igor Stravinsky, right?
> 
> This actually happened. The "father of American ballet" and arguably the most innovative composer of the pre-WW2 period really did partner up to write a performance for fifty elephants (with fifty ballerinas on top of them) for the Ringling Bros. Barnum & Bailey Circus. The resultant work was called "Circus Polka: For a Young Elephant." The elephants, all fifty of them, wore pink tutus.
> 
> Not too surprisingly, the crowd loved it.


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New answer: Nothing that couldn't be expanded upon by Havergal Brian.


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## Gaspard de la Nuit

Q: So, what did you talk about in your lecture titled 'How To Write a Symphony Almost No One Will Ever Listen To'? 

A: Nothing that couldn't be expanded upon by Havergal Brian.

Anyway, my answer to your question (and I hope this helps) is that it should only be done on a full moon for the best results.


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## Ingélou

Answer: Anyway, my answer to your question (and I hope this helps) is that it should only be done on a full moon for the best results.

Question: So you're saying that if I gather milkweed by night in a haunted churchyard and rub it into my scalp, I'll get my hair back again... oh hang on, are you going..?

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New Answer: And amazingly, the woman took her husband back on the strength of it.


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## TurnaboutVox

The question is: When the defendant was asked what answer he gave to the question of what had kept him for so long from his lovely wife, he simply answered "Only the Big Baroque Box, your honour, I swear it on my TalkClassical Moderators' Oath!"

Answer: And amazingly, the woman took her husband back on the strength of it. 


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New Answer: And in any case, it would have taken quite a while to separate the warring parties.


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## Mahlerian

Question: Why did the marriage end with the husband and wife sent into a medically induced coma?

Answer: In any case, it would have taken quite a while to separate the warring parties.

______________________________________________________________________________________

New Answer: She told him in no uncertain terms that the green alien had to go.


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## TurnaboutVox

Mahlerian said:


> Question: Why did the marriage end with the husband and wife sent into a medically induced coma?
> 
> Answer: In any case, it would have taken quite a while to *separate* the warring parties.
> 
> And amazingly, the woman took her husband back on the strength of it.
> _______________________________________________
> 
> New Answer: She told him in no uncertain terms that the green alien had to go.


Oh all right, if we *must* have 'separate' spelled correctly. Thanks for being discreet about correcting it (mutter, mutter, mutter). Oh by the way your _separating_ line was too long. Fixed it for ya.


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## TurnaboutVox

The question was: Why was he standing before her in tears, begging her not to banish *Couchie* from TalkClassical?

Answer: She told him in no uncertain terms that the green alien had to go.

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New answer: The best-laid schemes o' mice an' men gang aft agley.


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## Gaspard de la Nuit

Mahlerian said:


> New Answer: She told him in no uncertain terms that the green alien had to go.


I'm pretty sure I've said something similar in real life....and the question was 'what was your mom arguing with your dad about when he got home from the casino?'



TurnaboutVox said:


> New answer: The best-laid schemes o' mice an' men gang aft agley.


P1: Umm, can you repeat that again? Sorry.... *whispers to friend* I just can't understand his accent....

P2: (more insistently/ enunciated) The best laid schemes o' mice an' men gang aft agley.

P1: OH! Something about the best leg creams...

,
Answer: Well, it's pretty obvious to me that Hilary lost because of all the people voting for Patrick Starr as a write-in candidate.


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## Ingélou

Question: Can you concoct a sentence which succinctly represents the difficulties British people have in understanding the American political system?

Answer: 'Well - "it's pretty obvious to me that Hilary lost because of all the people voting for Patrick Starr as a write-in candidate.""
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New Answer: The only possible conclusion - it's the *marshmallows*!


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## Celloman

Question: Who killed Mr. Green in the study with the candlestick?

Answer: The only possible conclusion - it's the *marshmallows!*

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New Answer: Duh - because you're stupid!


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## Dim7

Question: Why do I have 606 posts in Stupid Thread Ideas?
Answer: Duh - because you're stupid! 

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Next answer:    N-no, you shouldn't be doing that in the first place...


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## Dr Johnson

What did 80 year old Mr Cyril Blenkinsop's granddaughter say to him as, pointing a revolver at his temple, he declared: "I can never remember whether Russian Roulette is played with one round and five empty chambers in the cylinder or one empty chamber and five rounds...."

Answer:  N-no, you shouldn't be doing that in the first place...

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Next answer: because camels can't count.


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## Ingélou

Dr Johnson said:


> What did 80 year old Mr Cyril Blenkinsop's granddaughter say to him as, pointing a revolver at his temple, he declared: "I can never remember whether Russian Roulette is played with one round and five empty chambers in the cylinder or one empty chamber and five rounds...."
> 
> Answer:  N-no, you shouldn't be doing that in the first place...
> 
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> 
> Next answer: because camels can't count.


Brilliant! Between you, you and TVox have this thread nailed! :lol:


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## Dr Johnson

Ingélou said:


> Brilliant! Between you, you and TVox have this thread nailed! :lol:


That wasn't the question I was expecting.


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## Ingélou

(Question) Lady Matilda, to her spiritual director: 'You insist that, even though this is *my* life, I cannot give up my career, leave my husband, abandon my children, and leave my butcher's bill unpaid in order to go found a camel sanctuary in the Hebrides - but why shouldn't my love of camels fulfil me and justify the purpose of my existence - on what grounds do you call my choice invalid?'

Answer: 'Because camels can't *count*.'

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Next Answer: 'Because people tell me that it suits me.'


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## Dr Johnson

Q: Why were you at Yarmouth Marina early this morning disguised as Dame Ethel Smyth?

A: 'Because people tell me that it suits me.'

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Next: Whenever that happens I have a very thorough shower.


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## Ingélou

Question: 'What do you do when you have a scatty pedigree Airedale that's got into the Crufts final but is likely to misbehave when being shown in the main ring?'
Answer: 'Whenever that happens I have a very thorough shower.' 

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New answer: That's the very reason that I chose the blue one.


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## Mahlerian

Question: The black car comes with a free lifetime subscription to ad-free Top-40 streaming radio, and the price is the same, so why didn't you take it?

Answer: That's the very reason that I chose the blue one.
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Answer: Because nobody had ever done it.


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## Dim7

Question: Stockhausen, seriously... Helicopter string quartet, why????
Answer: Because nobody had ever done it. 
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New answer: That's how it ideally would be done, but in the real world we sometimes have to resort to elephant ballerinas.


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## Dr Johnson

When asked about being caught _in flagrante_ with the actress and the attendant circumstances thereof, the bishop always gave the same reply:

"That's how it ideally would be done, but in the real world we sometimes have to resort to elephant ballerinas."

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Next: Probably the Sultan of Zanzibar.


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## Dim7

Question: Who will be the next big globally worshipped pop singer?
Answer: Probably the Sultan of Zanzibar. 
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Next answer: Yes - it's a bit like riding on a hamster-piano in a theological amusement park while eating sugar-coated flamethrowers.


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## Dr Johnson

Question: Isn't the latest album by the Sultan of Zanzibar rather harsh on the ears?
Answer: Yes - it's a bit like riding on a hamster-piano in a theological amusement park while eating sugar-coated flamethrowers.

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Next: it's either a mollusc or a black hole.


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## Ingélou

Question: 'The line that he sang - sentimental tosh - was '_I sigh for a Mull dusk, aura of black coal': what did you think it was?'_ 
Answer: '"*It's either a mollusc or a black hole*."'

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Next answer: Well, yes - but slap a bit of anchovy paste on it, and it's transformed.


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## Dr Johnson

It is said that the conductor Herbert Von Karajan, when, during a recording session, a studio engineer asked him "Maestro, does this take not lack the famous Von Karajan 'sheen'?", replied thus:

"Well, yes - but slap a bit of anchovy paste on it, and it's transformed."*

_*Some authorities believe this to be a mistranslation of the actual retort._

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Next: And then you just sing the last verse of the Eton Boating Song, but in French.


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## Dim7

Question: So in order to finish the main villain and prevent his plans for destroying the world I'll first do this breakdance performance....

Answer: And then you just sing the last verse of the Eton Boating Song, but in French.

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New answer: Erm, I don't think you are using that for its intended purpose....


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## Mahlerian

Question: So, I've been eating with tuning forks for a few months now in the hopes of getting my voice into shape, but they've told me that it hasn't done anything for my inability to sing better than Florence Foster Jenkins. I've started eating the tuning forks instead. How long do you think it will be before I see results?

Answer: Erm, I don't think you are using that for its intended purpose....

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New answer: Probably as good a reason as any to quit drinking. Or start, whichever.


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## Dr Johnson

When Freud was asked by one of his patients "I keep thinking I'm Florence Foster Jenkins. What shall I do?", He replied

"Probably as good a reason as any to quit drinking. Or start, whichever."

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I don't know about you, gentlemen, but here, _I_, at least, am known by my face.


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## Ingélou

Situation: A man in a small craft approaches a yacht in Great Yarmouth harbour. The year is 1883 & he is in fact the pilot.

Question put by one of the upper class men on board: *'I recognise you by your bumboat, man - have you come here to sell us some of your pitiful shoddy goods?'*

Answer: (angrily; doesn't like being called 'boatman'): *'I don't know about you, gentlemen, but here, I, at least, am known by my face.' *

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Next answer: Obviously - but things would be a wee bit different if I hadn't lost my pinkie in a sawmill accident.


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## Mahlerian

Question: Your habit of botching surgery and blithely giving up when you feel like it has cost this hospital a fortune in malpractice lawsuits. We don't even need anesthetic because all of the patients faint at the sight of your name on call. Don't you agree that you're not performing anywhere close to your best?

Answer: Obviously - but things would be a wee bit different if I hadn't lost my pinkie in a sawmill accident.

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New answer: You wouldn't have called me over if you weren't interested in this kind of mayhem.


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## Gaspard de la Nuit

Question: Mahlerian, is there a reason why we are listening to another Schoenberg work?

Answer: You wouldn't have called me over if you weren't interested in this kind of mayhem.

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New Answer: That's a good idea, now we just have to figure out how to market it to Californians aged 18-35.



Dr Johnson said:


> When asked about being caught _in flagrante_ with the actress and the attendant circumstances thereof, the bishop always gave the same reply:
> 
> "That's how it ideally would be done, but in the real world we sometimes have to resort to elephant ballerinas."
> 
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> 
> Next: Probably the Sultan of Zanzibar.


LOL!


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## Dim7

Question: Hey, how about selling our product to people who aren't born yet? Nobody else is doing that, so there wouldn't be much competition. I was thinking about Californias aged 18 - 35 = -17 in particular.

Answer: That's a good idea, now we just have to figure out how to market it to Californians aged 18-35.

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New answer: As embarassing as it may be, it is absolutely necessary that we do that.


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## Ingélou

Email question - 'So you're telling me that this ad contains spelling errors on purpose, so that we can appeal to middle-class pedantic types, who will be lulled into a false sense of superiority, and more readily part with their money?'

Answer: 'As embarassing as it may be, it is absolutely necessary that we do that.'
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New answer: Yep - sure enough the problem was solved when three penguins escaped from the zoo.


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## MoonlightSonata

Question: "Have those zookeepers really managed to solve the Arctic Bird Overpopulation Crisis?"
Answer: "Yep - sure enough the problem was solved when three penguins escaped from the zoo. "

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Next answer: "Yes, and with only three minutes to spare! Just goes to show, you should never underestimate the power of marmalade."


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## Dr Johnson

Q: "Can the king really get no heir? Are we once more to be plunged into civil war? Is there really no answer?
A: "Yes, and with only three minutes to spare! Just goes to show, you should never underestimate the power of marmalade."

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Next: "Only if Bayes' theorem could be turned on its head!"


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## Ingélou

Question: 'You mean the fact that I have an irresistible craving for Edinburgh rock makes it more probable that I am an afficionado of the French Baroque?'

Answer: 'Only if Bayes' theorem could be turned on its head!'
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New Answer: 'Yes - and because of that Claudius kicked Hamlet right off the stage!'


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## Dr Johnson

Q: When The Exploited said "Oi! You, yon Hamlet! Is it true you dinna like French Baroque music?" The reply was:
A: "Yes" - and because of that Claudius kicked Hamlet right off the stage!

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Next: "Not without a struggle, if I know my basilisk."


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## Ingélou

Question: "Is it true, Mrs Basilisk, that if Perseus forced him to engage in a staring contest with Medusa's head, your spouse would be petrified and transformed into a laughing stock in any self-respecting company of Deceased Monsters?"

Answer: "Not without a struggle, if I know my basilisk."

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New Answer: "Ah - that was the beauty of the Marquise's revenge...!"


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## Dr Johnson

Q: "You mean that it was an epistolary novel _in French?_"
A: "Ah - that was the beauty of the Marquise's revenge...!"

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Next: _"Mais où sont les neiges d'antan?"_


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## Ingélou

Question: Which famous line from French poetry has most often won the Jean-Paul Sartre Trophy for Stylish Enunciation, on account of its nasal melodrama & potential for Existential Shrugs?

Answer: "Mais où sont les neiges d'antan?"

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Next Answer: Georgian snuffboxes - thousands of them!


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## Dr Johnson

Q: Everybody knows that Gérard de Nerval had a pet lobster called Thibault which he used to take for walks. But what surprising item had de Nerval trained Thiboult to steal from houses that they passed on their promenades?

A: Georgian snuffboxes - thousands of them!

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Next: Hugh Gabbet-Fairfax, or I'm very much mistaken.


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## Dim7

Q: In the case you are not very much mistaken about this mathematical equation (2 + 2 = -4), who invented the famously easy to use and effective resurrection-pistol "Venus"?

A: Hugh Gabbet-Fairfax, or I'm very much mistaken. 

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Next answer: On the contrary, that's exactly why everything must be destroyed.


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## Rhombic

Q. Why do people think that preserving things that are ephemeral or, at best, not eternal, is worth their time and money?

A. On the contrary, that's exactly why everything must be destroyed.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

Next answer: One of those once every three Mondays, unless you eat artichokes for dinner.


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## Dim7

Question: So you really think Stupid Thread Ideas reading marathon (from the first to last page without pause) is the appropriate treatment for my illness?

Answer: One of those once every three Mondays, unless you eat artichokes for dinner. 

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Next answer: Hahaha, maybe - it's almost as if the president of the United States was not a giraffe.


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## MoonlightSonata

Question: So have the hallucinations stopped now?
Answer: Hahaha, maybe - it's almost as if the president of the United States was not a giraffe.

:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.

Next answer: Believe it or not, there _was_ a jellyfish!


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## Ingélou

Question: So the twins' birthday party-food had a seaside theme. Crab-shaped biscuits sound cool, and hot-dogs with fins - dog-fish, hey, that's cute - but *oh no*, when it came to the jelly-and-blancmange, did some 'Bright Spark' caterer think of the blindingly-obvious... ?

Answer: Believe it or not, there _was_ a jellyfish!

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Next answer: He tried that, but it only got him into more trouble!


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## MoonlightSonata

Question: Did you hear that the disgraced caterer from the birthday party tried to liven things up by serving a real jellyfish instead?
Answer: He tried that, but it only got him into more trouble!

▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒

Next answer: Only in months with an omega in their name.


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## Dr Johnson

Q: In the days when presidents of the USA were always quadrupedal ruminants when was it legal to shoot jellyfish?
A: Only in months with an omega in their name.

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Next: We had to more or less move his hand up and down the fretboard.


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## Dim7

Q: So are you telling me that the severed hand of Yngwie Malmsteen wouldn't just shred arpeggios and harmonic minor scales on its own?

A: We had to more or less move his hand up and down the fretboard. 

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Next answer: Tha-that is for, erm.... research purposes only, honestly!


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## Dr Johnson

Q: What is the severed head of Yngwie Malmsteen doing on the sideboard?
A: Tha-that is for, erm.... research purposes only, honestly!

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Next: Apparently it once belonged to Cecil Beaton.


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## Ingélou

Mum: (to kids' party photographer) 'How nice that you've brought a little pop-up bluebird to catch the children's attention. But what an odd expression on its face - a sort of joyful sneer. And why is it sporting a monocle?'

Answer: 'Apparently it once belonged to Cecil Beaton.'

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Next answer: That's exactly why he's wearing a pair of compasses in his buttonhole.


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## Dim7

Q: Due to radical increase of random inexplicable phenomena around the world, Captain Puddinghead is taking all sorts of precautionary measures in case something happens to him. But is he preparing for the possibility that he might suddenly turn tiny and get lost in his buttonhole?

A: That's exactly why he's wearing a pair of compasses in his buttonhole. 

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Next answer: Yes yes, that's very cute, but please stop doing that in front of His Majesty.


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## Ingélou

Debutante to court usher, as she waits in the queue to be presented, 1920s: 'Do you like the ostrich feathers on my train? If one has a few left over from trimming one's hat, don't you think it's a pity to waste them, when they do shimmy so beautifully?' (shakes her derriere to demonstrate).

Answer: 'Yes yes, that's very cute, but please stop doing that in front of His Majesty.'

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Next answer: A spoonful of lemon curd usually does the trick.


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## scratchgolf

Ingélou said:


> Debutante to court usher, as she waits in the queue to be presented, 1920s: 'Do you like the ostrich feathers on my train? If one has a few left over from trimming one's hat, don't you think it's a pity to waste them, when they do shimmy so beautifully?' (shakes her derriere to demonstrate).
> 
> Answer: 'Yes yes, that's very cute, but please stop doing that in front of His Majesty.'
> 
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> 
> Next answer: A spoonful of lemon curd usually does the trick.


Q - What can I blow in Lang Lang's eyes if I think Cayenne Pepper is a bit strong?

A - Well naturally, Philip Glass can't be blamed for that! I've been doing it since I was 11.


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## Balthazar

Q - Have you seen the latest internet meme? Someone posted a video of Philip Glass rollerblading through Central Park wearing women's lingerie and singing the theme song of _Xanadu_. (Apparently, he had one glass of port too many at Picholine.) And now _everyone_ is doing it!

A - Well naturally, Philip Glass can't be blamed for that! I've been doing it since I was 11.

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Next answer: If the results come back positive, grab the waffle iron and the shar-pei, and get on the next flight to Rio.


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## Dim7

Q: If the results of our cloning experiment don't feel negative about the idea when they come back, where should we go next to perform our magic trick (in which the clones are put into the waffle iron, and after the ironing the clones have disappeared and the shar-pei comes out)?

A: If the results come back positive, grab the waffle iron and the shar-pei, and get on the next flight to Rio. 

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Next answer: Not if Scriabin's moustache has any say in the matter.


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## Ingélou

Question: There's a baby-boomers' tour due at the museum this afternoon, sir, and they'll expect to see the Jimmy Edwards waxwork, but its moustache has just gone off to be cleaned, so I thought we'd nick that bushy one from the Russian Composers' room - do you think that will be okay?

Answer: Not if Scriabin's moustache has any say in the matter. 
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Next answer: He's hopelessly addicted to the Blackadder TV series, that's why!


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## Dr Johnson

Q:After Jimmy Edwards' death his moustache escaped and took on an independent existence, eventually becoming a chiropodist in Potters Bar. But during the early 2000s it withdrew and began to spend all its time in one room watching Youtube. Not unnaturally, the question was asked “Why give up a successful practice and shut oneself away?”

A: He's hopelessly addicted to the Blackadder TV series, that's why! 

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Next: If Virginia Woolf could do it I don't see why Julian Clary can't.


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## Ingélou

Questioner (sighing): Okay, okay - Virginia Woolf may *also* have had a cult following, firmly-held social views and an equine expression, but the difference was, she was *an artist*; in her writing, her poetic vision elevates the ordinary and even the banal. Can you claim as much of *your* man's writings?

Answer (stubbornly): If Virginia Woolf could do it I don't see why Julian Clary can't.

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Next answer: The motor bikes are coming out all over Europe.


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## Dim7

Q: Famous actors, politicians, even their dogs - everyone is coming out as gay nowadays! What's next?

A: The motor bikes are coming out all over Europe. 

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Next answer: That is considered totally normal behavior in Finland.


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## Ingélou

Question: So getting all fired up, hanging round with the gang, enjoying a few drinks, staying up all night & overdosing on sunshine aren't confined to Finnish teenagers, then?

Answer: That is considered totally normal behavior in Finland.
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Next answer: Oh I say - look here - that's a step too far!


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## MoonlightSonata

Beethoven: So what about this idea of a choral symphony?

Publisher: Oh I say - look here - that's a step too far!

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Next answer: I didn't know that it was even _possible_ to do that sort of thing with a cucumber!


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## Ingélou

Question: How do you like my veggie model of the Gaudi cathedral in Barcelona?

Answer: I didn't know that it was even _possible_ to do that sort of thing with a cucumber!

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Next answer: I'm astounded to hear that you admit to having read it.


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## Dim7

Q: How do you feel about the fact that I time travelled to read the answer to this question before I asked it?

A: I'm astounded to hear that you admit to having read it.

Next: It's basically a culinary equivalent of Schoenberg's Violin concerto.


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## Mahlerian

Q: So, people reject it out of hand if they know the chef, but they love it if they don't. It's delicious, spicy, and full of both flavor and nutrition. How would you describe it?

A: It's basically a culinary equivalent of Schoenberg's Violin concerto.

________________________________________________

Answer: That's it. I'm never going skydiving from space again.


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## Dr Johnson

Q: Sir, what would you say if I told you that you have fallen to earth several kilometers an hour above the internationally agreed speed limit for inbound space debris?
A: That's it. I'm never going skydiving from space again.

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Next: Cigarettes, ice cream, figurines of the Virgin Mary.


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## Ingélou

Question: Congratulations on your achievement in being named as Renderer of the Year, Mr Dixon. Your stucco is famed for its adhesive, luminous, and extraordinarily gooey qualities. Do you have any special ingredients that you grind into the usual mixture?

Answer: Cigarettes, ice cream, figurines of the Virgin Mary.

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Next answer: He got the idea from a detail in a Brueghel painting, as a matter of fact.


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## MoonlightSonata

Q: What on earth possessed him to dress as a peasant and walk around with a donkey?
A: He got the idea from a detail in a Brueghel painting, as a matter of fact. 
________________________________________________________________________

Next answer: The egg-whisk, it later turned out, was in the possession of Humphrey Lyttleton.


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## Dr Johnson

Q: One day in 1974 after consuming industrial quantities of amphetamines and alcohol the cast of _I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue _gate-crashed a recording of one of Fanny Cradock's cooking shows. Chaos and the mother of all food fights ensued and despite heroic efforts on the part of Fanny and her husband Johnny many of Fanny's cherished untensils were made off with. Most (Fanny's piping bag was never found) of the equipment was retrieved by the lovely Samantha (whose contract required her to remain unintoxicated) but for several weeks the question running round the BBC was "Where is Fanny's egg-whisk?"

A: The egg-whisk, it later turned out, was in the possession of Humphrey Lyttleton.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Next: Bend me, shake me, any way you want me.


----------



## Ingélou

:tiphat: @Dr Johnson - brilliant!!! (As usual...)

But from your allusions, sir, you seem to have read every book I've read, watched every TV programme, and know every worthless pop song in my life.

Who *are* you??? 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Question: I don't think that *Look Back in Anger* ought to look as if it's condoning wife-beating, but I do want to show that Jimmy Porter is frustrated when dealing with his upper-class wife. 
That's why I'm happy to go along with the director's suggestion to 'grab Alison and manhandle her into the alcove, stage right'. 
But I don't want to hurt you - so are you okay with that?

Answer: Bend me, shake me, any way you want me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Next answer: If only her slippers had been blue - it would have made all the difference!


----------



## Dim7

Question: Why was everyone creeped out by the first live performance of Headbangers of Zanzibar (Yngwie Malmsteen's severed hands on guitar, Sultan of Zanzibar on clean vocals, Yngwie Malmsteen's severed head on backing vocals, your mother in yellow slippers on death growl vocals)? 

Answer: If only her slippers had been blue - it would have made all the difference! 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Next answer: Not a big deal - all we have to do is tear down all of our institutions and rebuild our society from scratch.


----------



## Ingélou

Question: 'Hello, am I speaking to the President of _*The Society for the Institution of Kids' Holiday Dens through the Conversion of Village Bus Shelters*_? I understand that to date you've converted three bus shelters and that all of them turn out to be still in use; also that your treasurer has absconded with your wife and the club funds. Would you agree that Fate has dealt you a crushing blow?'

Answer: 'Not a big deal - all we have to do is tear down all of our institutions and rebuild our society from scratch.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Next Answer: The only possible answer to that is - porridge oats!


----------



## Dr Johnson

Q: What is it that TC member TurnaboutVox has imprisoned in his cellar?
A: The only possible answer to that is - porridge oats!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Next: To know, to will, to dare, to be silent.


----------



## Ingélou

Question: 'I love the idea of rescuing ancient crafts from near oblivion - how to inlay mother of pearl, how to thatch, or quilt, and so forth. Now Fred, be honest, do *you* know the secret of wicker?'

Answer: 'To know, to will, to dare, to be silent.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Next answer: There's no way you could have done that without cheating.


----------



## Dim7

Question: Frustrated by the lack of media attention, I deliberately got caught cheating on my wife and there I was on the news again! Could I have done it any other way, really?

Answer: There's no way you could have done that without cheating.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Question: No worries - because of the handicap principle, if we do that we will actually be perceived as cooler!


----------



## Dr Johnson

Q: Tim (to his chum Eric) "We both tried reading the Wikipedia article on the handicap principle and after a few seconds a drowsy numbness overcame both of us and we fell asleep. Now we will have to go out on our double date in a state of almost total ignorance of this idea. Should we fess up to the girls that we know nothing about it?" Eric replies,

A: No worries - because of the handicap principle, if we do that we will actually be perceived as cooler!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Next. The sheep look up.


----------



## Ingélou

Question: You tell me that this is a naive religious painting of the angels appearing to the shepherds on Christmas Night, but all I can see is a hillside with a dark blue sky, a patch of light in one corner, somebody's sleeve, and three podgy sheep. So what would give me any clue that it's *religious*?

Answer: The sheep look up.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Next answer: It made all the difference that his middle name was Apollodorus.


----------



## Dim7

Question: Why were the polls of the ex-TC member PollManiac so fragrant?

Answer: It made all the difference that his middle name was Apollodorus. 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Next answer: Sorry, I couldn't help it - morbid curiosity got the better of me.


----------



## MoonlightSonata

Q: Why did you have to bring up 4'33''?
A: Sorry, I couldn't help it - morbid curiosity got the better of me. 

·.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.

Next answer: That's because we had an orchestra practise next door.


----------



## Guest

Q: Why did you have a bonfire made of violins?
A: That's because we had an orchestra practice next door.




Next A: Cadillacs, blue jeans, dixieland playing on the ferry.


----------



## TurnaboutVox

Q: What three things are banned on the journey to the Sydney Opera House?
A: Cadillacs, blue jeans, dixieland playing on the ferry. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Next A: Indeed, drums and trumpets is no phrase.


----------



## Dr Johnson

Q: Visitor to Glasgow to companion, "What is that elderly gentleman with the bottle of Buckfast Tonic Wine trying to say to us? I can't make it out at all, can you?" Companion "I'm not sure but I think he may be trying to say...
A:..'indeed, drums and trumpets is no phrase.'"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Next: A golden smile and a proposition.


----------



## Guest

Q: So what did you get from the guru?
A: A golden smile and a proposition.

Next A: This was always the last place I expected to be.


----------



## TurnaboutVox

Q: With what would Vasily Petrenko be (a) least and (b) most likely to greet a rival young female conductor? 
A: A golden smile, and a proposition.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Next A: And that's how many measures there are in Morton Feldman's second string quartet!


----------



## Rhombic

Q: Have you finished counting the leaves of those eleven magnolia plants and multiplied that number times the number of letters in "Morton Feldman"?
A: And that's how many measures there are in Morton Feldman's second string quartet!

-------------

Next A: I, said the sparrow, with my bow and arrow.


----------



## MoonlightSonata

Q: Which bird shot the succulent marrow?
A: I, said the sparrow, with my bow and arrow.
[hr][/hr]

A: I ended up reading out Stupid Thread Ideas to Prince Charles.


----------



## Dr Johnson

Q: I say, my good fellow, you look like a shaman who, having lost his powers, was captured by pirates and sold to a circus where you were forced to exhibit yourself, but has now escaped. Why so down?
A: I ended up reading out Stupid Thread Ideas to Prince Charles.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Next: The palms of my hands should be damp with expectancy.


----------



## Ingélou

Question: Can you foresee what would happen if you were invited to appear as the Queen in Gorleston Pavilion's January production of Snow White?

Answer: The palms of my hands should be damp with expectancy - this was always the last place I expected to be*.

(*It was only fair that somebody used Dogen's example.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Next answer: I am the egg man - they are the egg men.


----------



## Guest

Ingélou said:


> (*It was only fair that somebody used Dogen's example.)


You are the very model of fairness. I think mine was ignored because it wasn't a King Crimson lyric! I won't make that mistake again...


----------



## Dr Johnson

Ah! I've twigged now! Yon TurnaboutVox had his bum oot the windae!


----------



## Dr Johnson

Resuming normal play:

Q: The night I had planned to go to Gorleston Pavilion's production of Snow White my car broke down at the last minute. Bitterly disappointed (it was said that there was a very good cast that year), I decided to try to rescue the evening by taking LSD and listening to Cage's popular work, 4.33. During what turned out to be a rather dull experience, I suddenly saw six saintly shrouded men move across the lawn slowly. As they advanced what do you think they chanted?
A: I am the egg man - they are the egg men.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Next: I never think I have hit hard, unless it rebounds.


----------



## Dim7

I basically had to blackmail dogen to post in this thread, so don't you discourage him by ignoring his answers!

Question: Why can't you type normally with your fingers instead of that hammer you're using now, and why do you have to smash the keyboard so hard?
Answer: I never think I have hit hard, unless it rebounds. 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Next answer: You just barge into the Parliament House, in a bikini with a Schoenberg mask on your head and throw some issues of Playboy around. Our plan is perfect!


----------



## Rhombic

Q: So what am I supposed to do after I buy those two burritos -yes, you told me that one of them had a secret message written in Lithuanian- in order to improve musical education worldwide?
A: You just barge into the Parliament House, in a bikini with a Schoenberg mask on your head and throw some issues of Playboy around. Our plan is perfect!

---------------------

Next A: That's not what was written there... now there's the reason behind your success!


----------



## TurnaboutVox

Q: My dearest Prince Leopold, I left the manuscript for the new Cantata you requested in the hands of my dear wife. I do hope it was delivered to you punctually and this time not modified...Frau Bach does fancy herself to be a composer also, your Majesty! So to be clear, there should be parts for twenty-six cow-bells and a squadron of Greek bagpipes... 

A: That's not what was written there... now there's the reason behind your success!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Next A: It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs.


----------



## Ingélou

Question: I really enjoyed the Finals of the Men's Multi-Tasking Championships. You were a row in front of me, Katie, but I saw you gasp at the winner's display. He did try *so* hard! 
There had to be a winner, though of course, there's always something that goes wrong. But tell me, what simile would you use to sum up the experience of watching a man multi-tasking - hey, why are you laughing?

Answer: It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Next Answer: That, sir, I find, is what a very great many of your associates* cannot help.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_(A substitution, for fear of prompting gibes at 'national characters'. Am really enjoying these Cham-themed answers, however...)_


----------



## MoonlightSonata

Question: No, no, this hat is quite presentable! Do you really claim that people are unable to stop laughing as I walk by, Jeeves?
Answer: That, sir, I find, is what a very great many of your associates cannot help.
[hr][/hr]
Next: I assure you, it's perfectly safe.


----------



## Rhombic

Q: What are the most common last words of mycologists?
A: I assure you, it's perfectly safe.

----------------

Next A: MENDACITY!


----------



## Guest

Q: What does a forum run on?
A: MENDACITY!

~~~~~~~

Next A: The smell of paint, a flask of wine


----------



## TurnaboutVox

Q: What, apart from Thou beside me singing in the Wilderness, do I need to disguise the fact that I'm holidaying in Blackpool? And how do I mask the reek of the sewage works?

A: The smell of paint, a flask of wine...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Next A: Yes, you are malicious, but 'tis a pleasant malice, a malice I don't dislike


----------



## Dim7

Q: Lice on your head: "Aren't you grossed out by our liciousness?" (word I made up I guess)

A: You: "Yes, you are malicious, but 'tis a pleasant malice, a malice I don't dislike." (malicious = my licious)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Next: No way! If we do that, we will be deconstructed in the process.


----------



## Rhombic

Q. What if we open this extremely well-sealed door with that sign that says "U-235 extreme danger no trespass..." and something else I can't read properly?
A. No way! If we do that, we will be deconstructed in the process.

-------------------------

Next A. Fair enough, but make sure that you do not put them together. Nasty stuff.


----------



## Dr Johnson

Q: Do you know, I love peasemeal, banana and butter for breakfast?
A: Fair enough, but make sure that you do not put them together. Nasty stuff. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Next: The way your mama make that nasty poodle chew.


----------



## Ingélou

Question: See here, I can assure you that my mother would _never_ serve us dog food and pass it off as her own recipe. It's not your so-called 'poodle chew', or collie chew or spaniel chew or terrier chew, come to that. It was the best Hungarian Goulash, from Granny's authentic recipe, rich, beefy, nourishing - and _free_ for you, since you're my guest. (angrily) What's not to like?

Answer: (sullenly) The way your mama _make_ that nasty poodle chew.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Next Answer: I know, I know, but look - it's no use being jealous.


----------



## TurnaboutVox

Question: Look. If they want to choose that old man with the beard and the safari jacket and the ludicrous ideas about redistribution of wealth - to poor people, can you believe? - then they're all going to walk the party off a cliff. It'll be a complete disaster. Why is it that when a wise and great man like myself strongly advises them not to do a thing, people just want to do it more? I can't understand it. It's as if they envy my success. Why are they like that? Why can't they see what a great man I am? What great good I have done for them all? Ungrateful swine. I saved the world, me and those other great...whoever they were, I forget the names now. Me. Me. Me. Why can't I be leader again? Why don't they want me?

Answer: I know, I know, but look - it's no use being jealous.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


New answer: How could they tell?


----------



## Ingélou

TurnaboutVox said:


> Question: Look. If they want to choose *that old man with the beard and the safari jacket and the ludicrous ideas about redistribution of wealth *- to poor people, can you believe? - then they're all going to walk the party off a cliff. It'll be a complete disaster. *Why is it that when a wise and great man like myself* strongly advises them not to do a thing, people just want to do it more? I can't understand it. It's as if they envy my success. Why are they like that? Why can't they see what a great man I am? What great good I have done for them all? Ungrateful swine. I saved the world, me and those other great...whoever they were, I forget the names now. Me. Me. Me. Why can't I be leader again? Why don't they want me?
> 
> Answer: I know, I know, but look - it's no use being jealous.
> 
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> 
> New answer: How could they tell?


:devil: - :lol: - :tiphat:
Brilliant, TVox!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TVox's *next answer*: How could they tell?
_(just so we don't miss anything)_


----------



## Guest

Q. Can an answer end in a question mark?
A. How can they tell?

Next A: The things you think are precious I can't understand.


----------



## Ingélou

Question: Now, class - take a look at the worksheet. You'll see that I have underlined several sentences which are verbose, affected or just generally 'precious'. I want you to rephrase those sentences in a more idiomatic, straightforward and lucid fashion. Does anyone have a problem with that?

Answer: Please, Miss - the things you think are precious I can't understand.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Next answer: But that's what I did - and that's why the car is a write-off!


----------



## Dim7

Question: Surely no one would try to cram Snorlax into our car?

Answer: But that's what I did - and that's why the car is a write-off!

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Next answer: Well, you could try some kind of compromise between existence and non-existence.


----------



## Ingélou

Question: I'm trying to guess why you've chosen a pink blancmange as your avatar, Dim7. It's symbolic, right? Hmm - does it represent something real about your posting style, or should I aim for something fictitious or non-existent?

Answer: Well, you could try some kind of compromise between existence and non-existence.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Next Answer: It's Talk Classical - it has to be!


----------



## Dim7

My answer, btw, has a rather obvious (and famous) "correct" question (not that there are really correct questions in this game). 

------------------

Next answer is still: It's Talk Classical - it has to be!


----------



## Dr Johnson

Q: Which Classical Music forum teaches you the correct way to listen to Classical Music?
A: It's Talk Classical - it has to be!

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Next: Whenever I do it I get a tingling sensation in parts of my body.


----------



## Ingélou

Dim7 said:


> My answer, btw, has a rather obvious (and famous) "correct" question (not that there are really correct questions in this game).
> 
> ------------------
> 
> Next answer is still: It's Talk Classical - it has to be!


 Surely the 'correct' answer is the 'incorrect' one, since it would evince no skill except googling. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Question: Why don't you play your comb-and-tissue-paper symphonies more often?

Answer: Whenever I do it I get a tingling sensation in parts of my body.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Next Answer: There can be no correct response to that question.


----------



## TurnaboutVox

Question: (Mr. Justice Cocklecarrot, for it is he): _What_ is _Snorlax_, clerk? I suppose it is another of those tiresome "popular beat combos", is it ?

Clerk: No, m'lud, a popular but entirely incomprehensible media franchise including card games, children's television cartoons and films, comic books and toys, centred on fictional creatures called "Pokémon", which humans capture and train to fight each other for "sportvideo" games.

Cocklecarrot: Well, I ask the jurors to consider whether this is the kind of world in which you would wish your wife or servants to live?

Answer: There can be no correct response to that question, m'lud.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

New answer: A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him.


----------



## Ingélou

Question: I can't believe it - we just reached Mississippi, and already you've got woman trouble. After making that long order for a Slugburger - detailing the percentage of beef and pork, the variety of soybeans & their cooking time, how many milligrams of mustard, the type of pickle, don't forget the onion, oh and the precise texture of your French Fries - you must have talked for twenty minutes - *why* did you *propose* to the waitress? Are you out of your mind, or what?

Answer: A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

New Answer: Many a mickle maks a muckle.*

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*Need help? It's here:


----------



## Dr Johnson

Q: Remind me, dear, what is that irritating doggerel you always spout whenever you put a two pence piece in the piggy bank?
A: Many a mickle maks a muckle


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Next: For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong.


----------



## Dim7

Ingélou said:


> Surely the 'correct' answer is the 'incorrect' one, since it would evince no skill except googling.


Google won't help because I came up with the answer. The question (for the answer "Well, you could try some kind of compromise between existence and non-existence) I had in mind was of course: "To be or not to be?"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Question: Is there really a problem that cannot be solved by blowing things up? No matter who big the problem is, if we just blow up the whole universe there would be no more problems.

Answer: For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Next: That's how we got to see the darkier and edgier side of Mother Theresa.


----------



## Ingélou

Dim7 said:


> Google won't help because I came up with the answer. The question (for the answer "Well, you could try some kind of compromise between existence and non-existence) I had in mind was *of course* (?my italics) : "To be or not to be?"
> 
> -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Well, if that was *your* answer, it was still the incorrect answer, as this is a game for others (as in ordinary forum members) to play, not for mind-readers. Maybe you should start another thread for display purposes? 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Question: So may I ask what public interest was served by posting the video of 'Tea-Towel Ravers' on YouTube, which has since gone viral?

Answer: That's how we got to see the darkier and edgier side of Mother T(h)eresa.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Next answer: It's green, shiny, and about eighteen inches in circumference.


----------



## Dim7

Ingélou said:


> Well, if that was *your* answer, it was still the incorrect answer, as this is a game for others (as in ordinary forum members) to play, not for mind-readers. Maybe you should start another thread for display purposes?


Hence the scare quotes for "correct".


----------



## Ingélou

^^^^ Okay. 
 I suppose you have the option of posting your answer and then immediately providing 'your' solution. But it might hold things up a bit. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Resuming the game:

Question: So may I ask what public interest was served by posting the video of 'Tea-Towel Ravers' on YouTube, which has since gone viral?

Answer: That's how we got to see the darkier and edgier side of Mother Teresa.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Next answer: It's green, shiny, and about eighteen inches in circumference.


----------



## Dr Johnson

Q: What does the current manifestation of Dim7's physical presence in our dimension look like?
A: It's green, shiny, and about eighteen inches in circumference.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Next: Sir, you have but two topicks, yourself and me. I am sick of both.


----------



## TurnaboutVox

Question: What did I just overhear Dr Johnson saying to himself in the mirror, Ingelou?

Answer: "Sir, you have but two topicks, yourself and me. I am sick of both", T-Vox!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Next answer: Things can, and they will, change.


----------



## Dr Johnson

:lol:

I gave that on a plate to you, didn't I?

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Can you give me an example of a sentence which illustrates "the triumph of hope over experience"?
A: Things can, and they will, change.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Next: To whom are you accountable and how do we get rid of you?


----------



## TurnaboutVox

:lol:

I gave that to you on a plate, didn't I?


----------



## Dr Johnson

TurnaboutVox said:


> :lol:
> 
> I gave that to you on a plate, didn't I?


Sorry. Couldn't resist it.


----------



## MoonlightSonata

Dr Johnson said:


> :lol:
> 
> I gave that on a plate to you, didn't I?
> 
> -------------------------------------------------------------------------
> Q: Can you give me an example of a sentence which illustrates "the triumph of hope over experience"?
> A: Things can, and they will, change.
> 
> -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> 
> *Next: To whom are you accountable and how do we get rid of you?*


Since that's a question, this will turn into AaQwaQ in reverse :lol:

Q: hi i'm a new member here lol and my favourite classical music songs composors are jenkins and list and mosrt and loid weber lol but i dont liek those composor with atonals like shonburg and zenakis and batehoven lol xddddd do u guyz have any recomdaton?
Q: To whom are you accountable and how do we get rid of you?


----------



## TurnaboutVox

MoonlightSonata said:


> Since that's a question, this will turn into AaQwaQ in reverse :lol:
> 
> Q: hi i'm a new member here lol and my favourite classical music songs composors are jenkins and list and mosrt and loid weber lol but i dont liek those composor with atonals like shonburg and zenakis and batehoven lol xddddd do u guyz have any recomdaton?
> Q: To whom are you accountable and how do we get rid of you?


Do'nt forget jewel Ian loid weber the chellist, as weill, h'es briliant!

P.S. remeber too poast a new anser two, MS


----------



## MoonlightSonata

Next answer: It's because Stupid Thread Ideas bends space and time.


----------



## Mahlerian

Q: Man, every time I try to hail a taxi or get on a train, Dim7 manages to leap ahead of me and get in first...sometimes multiple times in a row! How does he _do_ that?

A: It's because Stupid Thread Ideas bends space and time.

___________________________________________________

Answer: No, no, that's just what he does on his days off. His actual job is far more exciting.


----------



## Ingélou

Mahlerian said:


> Q: Man, every time I try to hail a taxi or get on a train, Dim7 manages to leap ahead of me and get in first...sometimes multiple times in a row! How does he _do_ that?
> 
> A: It's because Stupid Thread Ideas bends space and time.
> 
> ___________________________________________________


That is an absolute classic! Bravo! :tiphat:

(Mahlerian's Next Answer: No, no, that's just what he does on his days off. His actual job is far more exciting.)


----------



## Dr Johnson

Q: Wouldn't it be great to be Lewis Hamilton?
A: No, no, that's just what he does on his days off. His actual job is far more exciting.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Next: Eleven of them jumped up to claim it, so he gave it to the twelfth.


----------



## Dim7

Question: I heard the metal legend Dead Corpse was planning to give away his electric guitar but wanted to do some Darwinian selection in the process, so he got 12 fans of his into a room with lethal spikes in the ceiling and told them "Everyone who wants my guitar, jump now!" How did it go?

Answer: Eleven of them jumped up to claim it, so he gave it to the twelfth. 

-----------------------------------------

New answer: With a bit of verbal acrobatics, you should be able to get away with that.


----------



## Dr Johnson

Q: Do you think I would be able to stand up at the meeting and say Θάλασσα κλὑζει πάντα Τ'ανθρώπων κακά, but in an accent that suggests a Tibetan who has spent a few years in Northumberland?
A: With a bit of verbal acrobatics, you should be able to get away with that.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Next: As most of them lacked any kind of creative gift, they concentrated their activities in the grey area of handicrafts.


----------



## Dim7

Q: What did all the Stupid Thread Artists do for living after their STI jobs were outsourced to China?

A: As most of them lacked any kind of creative gift, they concentrated their activities in the grey area of handicrafts. 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Next answer: Ironically there's nothing ironic about that.


----------



## MoonlightSonata

Q: Isn't it ironic that he lost his job making irons out of iron in the iron factory?

A: Ironically, there's nothing ironic about that.

[Hr] [/hr]

Next answer: And Ian Partridge in a pear tree.


----------



## TurnaboutVox

Question: What was it that Mahlerian asked Santa Claus for this Christmas? I think his wish list in reverse order might have started with:

Five - some Bach cantatas
Four - Schoenberg lieder
Three - a Monteverdi madrigal
Two - Britten's Serenade for Tenor, Horn and Strings

But I'm pretty sure he also asked for someone who could sing them all. Oh, but what _*was*_ number one? Bach, Schoenberg, Monteverdi and Britten _and_ what?

Answer: _And_ Ian Partridge in a pear tree.[/QUOTE]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Next answer:Well of course, I've always said that any musician who has not experienced the necessity of dodecaphonic music is useless!


----------



## Dim7

Question: What do you think about those members of our army band who, out of moral reasons, refuse to use dodecaphonic music as a weapon on the battlefield? They must have not experienced its effectiveness first-hand.

Answer: Well of course, I've always said that any musician who has not experienced the necessity of dodecaphonic music is useless! 

½½½½½½½½½½½½½½½½½½½½½½½½

Next answer: We have to transcend the morality of the herd and become Nietzschean übermenshcen to achieve that.


----------



## Dr Johnson

Q: Shall we go to Tesco and see if we can pay for our shopping at the automatic till?
A: We have to transcend the morality of the herd and become Nietzschean übermenshcen to achieve that. 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Next: Perhaps one day this too will be pleasant to remember.


----------



## TurnaboutVox

Q: Shall we go to Tesco and see if we can pay for our shopping at the automatic till?
A: Perhaps one day this too will be pleasant to remember!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Next answer: Reason has always existed, but not always in a reasonable form.


----------



## Dr Johnson

TurnaboutVox said:


> Q: Shall we go to Tesco and see if we can pay for our shopping at the automatic till?
> A: Perhaps one day this too will be pleasant to remember!


Bravo, Sir!

:tiphat:


----------



## Dim7

Question: I heard the libertarian monthly maganize Reason has, contrary to what Wikipedia claims, been published long before 1968. It might explain the arrant nonsense they have recently written, such as the article about how people should be forced to not act against their own will and that Margaret Thatcher should be privatized. They must be running out of ideas, not unlike those awful atonal noisemakers of contemporary art music. How long do you think Reason has existed?

Answer: Reason has always existed, but not always in a reasonable form.

???????????????????????????????????????

Next answer: On the altar of comedy sometimes extreme sacrifices must be made.


----------



## Ingélou

Question: Mr Atkinson, why is your nose bleeding, and your eyes watering? Could it have something to with having to wear underpants on your head and stick pencils up your nose in the scene of _Blackadder Goes Forth_ that we just rehearsed? But am I right that you don't seem to mind too much?

Answer: On the altar of comedy sometimes extreme sacrifices must be made.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Next Answer: Believe me, it may sound innocent, but if you do what they suggest, you'll get a nasty surprise.


----------



## Dim7

Question: I've been thinking about joining the social group Talk Nonsense. However some TCers (that I do not get very well along with) have suggested that I should *not* join it, what do you think?
Answer: Believe me, it may sound innocent, but if you do what they suggest, you'll get a nasty surprise.

----------------commercial over -------------

Next answer: The juxtaposition of high- and lowbrow elements, rather than being refreshing, was simply jarring and perverse.


----------



## Mahlerian

Question: So, I've spent the last three years getting samples from Top 40 radio, kids' cartoons, reality TV, political speeches, and laundry detergent commercials, and mixed them together into a complex audio collage critiquing modern consumerism and meticulously arranged to follow the Fibonacci series _and_ structured in exact golden mean proportions. Why hasn't anyone taken interest, either in the universities or among the population at large?

Answer: The juxtaposition of high- and lowbrow elements, rather than being refreshing, was simply jarring and perverse.

__________________________________

New answer: No, no, that would require people to give up their preconceived notions. I recommend we play it safe and opt for another adaptation of A Christmas Carol that shoehorns in popular characters.


----------



## Ingélou

Mahlerian said:


> Question: So, I've spent the last three years getting samples from Top 40 radio, kids' cartoons, reality TV, political speeches, and laundry detergent commercials, and mixed them together into a complex audio collage critiquing modern consumerism and meticulously arranged to follow the Fibonacci series _and_ structured in exact golden mean proportions. Why hasn't anyone taken interest, either in the universities or among the population at large?
> 
> Answer: The juxtaposition of high- and lowbrow elements, rather than being refreshing, was simply jarring and perverse.
> 
> __________________________________
> 
> New answer: No, no, that would require people to give up their preconceived notions. I recommend we play it safe and opt for another adaptation of A Christmas Carol that shoehorns in popular characters.


Mahlerian, you are a genius! :lol:


----------



## Dr Johnson

Q: Should I suggest a game of "charades" at your mother's birthday party, just to break the ice?
A: No, no, that would require people to give up their preconceived notions. I recommend we play it safe and opt for another adaptation of A Christmas Carol that shoehorns in popular characters. 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Next: I think that it's more likely to be Rayman's Hippopotamus.


----------



## Dim7

Question: Speak of the devil, isn't that your mother over there?

Answer: I think that it's more likely to be Rayman's Hippopotamus. 

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Next answer: Let's do it right here. Now. In front of everyone.


----------



## Ingélou

Question: You said you wanted us to practise for the World Pogo-sticking Championship, but I didn't know it would be your Gran's 100th birthday party this afternoon, with the house full of rellies. So what if my bus leaves in half an hour - we can always pogo-stick another time, when we're by ourselves, can't we?

Answer: Let's do it right here. Now. In front of everyone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Next answer: I'm telling you that this time the answer really* is *a lemon.


----------



## Dr Johnson

Q: Mama, is that the famous genius, Mahlerian, hanging from that tree over there?
A: I'm telling you that this time the answer really is a lemon.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Next: See, in mound, soft cheese.


----------



## Ingélou

Question: What image pops up in your head when you visualise the 'Compliment a Fellow Member' thread on TC? Can you say something to help me visualise it too?

Answer: See, in mound, soft cheese...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Next answer: Yes, that's exactly what happened, and it accounts for my addiction to crosswords.


----------



## Dr Johnson

Q: Is it true that you were once trapped in a lift for 48 hours with two people who argued ceaselessly about Wagner and Nazism, your only distraction being several old newspapers?
A: Yes, that's exactly what happened, and it accounts for my addiction to crosswords.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Next: This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last.


----------



## Dim7

Question: Jesus Christ, this V-I cadence has been stuck on the V chord for a week already. One can take the dissonance of unresolved dominant seventh chords only for a limited amount of time. Plus I'm getting kinda hungry. When will this finally end and resolve to the I chord??

Answer: This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last.

.........ſ
0===|§==========================>
.\___J

Next answer: When he does it it's cool, but when you do it it's just plain creepy.


----------



## Ingélou

Question: I thought it was an excellent idea - I hold the neck of your violin and do the left hand fingering while you concentrate on the bowing. As soon as you told me about it, I saw the point: it would help you focus & could make all the difference to your Martelé strokes. 
So why did you stop? You couldn't be embarrassed about the proximity, surely - I'm old enough to be your grandfather! And didn't you say that you still do the exercise just about every Tuesday with your folk fiddle teacher?

Answer: When he does it it's cool, but when you do it it's just plain creepy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Next answer: I think it's absolutely the most bizarre interpretation of that character that I've ever heard of!


----------



## Mahlerian

Question: So, I've been thinking about King Lear as a metaphor for a used car salesman, or whatever salesmen they must have had back in the early 17th century. Hear me out on this. See, he promises you all these things which don't add up, like the love of Regan and Goneril, fails to listen to the reason of the fool, that's you as the dupe who actually went there to purchase something, and throws out the very solution that would satisfy all of the parties involved, namely Cordelia. I've been thinking about this for a while now, and the play has truly opened up. It feels like every day I'm getting new insights from this. You look stunned; are you impressed with my hermenutic erudition?

Answer: I think it's absolutely the most bizarre interpretation of that character that I've ever heard of!

_________________________________________________

Next answer: I wasn't listening until that last bit, but now I'm definitely against whatever you're saying.


----------



## MoonlightSonata

Q: So how about we go for a walk into town, have a cup of tea maybe, visit some friends, look in a CD shop, and then come home and listen to music - some John Williams, maybe?
A: I wasn't listening until that last bit, but now I'm definitely against whatever you're saying. 
[hr][/hr]
Next: The only cure is to eat peppermints for five hours without a break.


----------



## TurnaboutVox

Question: "I am a really smart guy. I’m intelligent. Some people would say I’m very, very, very intelligent. I have a great relationship with the blacks. I’ve always had a great relationship with the blacks. I just have great respect for them, and you know they like me. A well-educated black has a tremendous advantage over a well-educated white in terms of the job market. If I were starting off today, I would love to be a well-educated black, because I believe they do have an actual advantage. 

I have black guys counting my money. I hate it. The only guys I want counting my money are short guys that wear yarmulkes all day.”


Answer: I wasn't listening until that last bit, Donald, but now I'm definitely against whatever you're saying.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Next answer: You're on earth. There's no cure for that.


----------



## MoonlightSonata

TurnaboutVox said:


> Question: "I am a really smart guy. I'm intelligent. Some people would say I'm very, very, very intelligent. I have a great relationship with the blacks. I've always had a great relationship with the blacks. I just have great respect for them, and you know they like me. A well-educated black has a tremendous advantage over a well-educated white in terms of the job market. If I were starting off today, I would love to be a well-educated black, because I believe they do have an actual advantage.
> 
> I have black guys counting my money. I hate it. The only guys I want counting my money are short guys that wear yarmulkes all day."
> 
> Answer: I wasn't listening until that last bit, Donald, but now I'm definitely against whatever you're saying.


:clap: A masterpiece!


----------



## MoonlightSonata

Trying to combine the two answers:
Q: Is it possible to cure myself of being surrounded by idiots?
A1: The only cure is to eat peppermints for five hours without a break. 
A2: You're on earth. There's no cure for that. 
[hr][/hr]
Next: Yes, and that's why I have all this wool between my teeth.


----------



## TurnaboutVox

MoonlightSonata said:


> Next: Yes, and that's why I have all this wool between my teeth.


Ermmmm... you're sure want to go _there_, MS in New Zealand?


----------



## MoonlightSonata

TurnaboutVox said:


> Ermmmm... you're sure want to go _there_, MS in New Zealand?


 I'd forgotten about those rumours...


----------



## TurnaboutVox

Question: Your dentist said to use _fleece_ to clean between your teeth, did he? And you're quite sure he didn't say use _*'floss'*_?

Answer: Yes, and that's why I have all this wool between my teeth.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Can I use "You're on earth. There's no cure for that" now, please?


----------



## Ingélou

Question: I believe that I'm an empath who's affected by negative feelings of all types. Why, oh why, can't people just be nice to each other? During election times, or whenever there's an argument at the village hall, I can feel all the disagreeable thoughts swirling through my head, and making me feel ill. I have to find a cure - what can I do - what can I do?

Answer: You're on earth. There's no cure for that.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Next answer: If you hang it from the kitchen ceiling, it ought to do the job nicely.


----------



## Dr Johnson

Q: The cat's just brought another political canvasser in, but I don't think they're quite dead. What shall we do?
A: If you hang it from the kitchen ceiling, it ought to do the job nicely.


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Next: I know nothing more offensive than repeating what one knows to be foolish things.


----------



## Dim7

Question: How would you describe your impression of the first Philip Glass piece you heard?

Answer: I know nothing more offensive than repeating what one knows to be foolish things.

*ditto-ditto-ditto-ditto-ditto-ditto-ditto-ditto-ditto-ditto-ditto*

Next answer: Your majesty, that is very amusing, but please stop doing that when addressing your loyal subjects from the balcony.


----------



## Dr Johnson

Q: What do you think of my little banjolele?
A: Your majesty, that is very amusing, but please stop doing that when addressing your loyal subjects from the balcony.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Next: They flee from me that sometime did me seek


----------



## Ingélou

Question: So you say, when you spot a salesman coming to your door, you have the perfect way to get rid of them: rub ripe goat's cheese over yourself, open the door and shout hello, step right up to them & shake hands, then say you'd ask them in, only you have a sewage problem. What happens next?

Answer: They flee from me that sometime did me seek

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Next answer: It's a good laugh - for us women anyway; men never seem to get it!


----------



## Vesteralen

Question: Why does your company have a "Listener of the Month" Award?

Answer: It's a good laugh - for us women anyway; men never seem to get it! 

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Next Answer: Sometimes a great lotion


----------



## Vesteralen

Well, I don't want to be a page 12 thread killer, so:

Question: What did Henry Fonda say when Lee Remick asked him how she could prevent sunburn?

Answer: "Well, Sometimes a great lotion...."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Let's try again:

Next Answer: Come to dust


----------



## Dr Johnson

Q: Paul Weller (the Modfather) was asked by Wella Hair products to do an advertisement for them that would play (hilariously, everyone agreed) on the assonance of their names. Pondering whether to write something new or recycle an existing tune, he hit on the happy idea of reworking "At The Foot of The Mountain". After several days work, Wella (the hair product wallahs) rang Weller (the tunesmith) and said "Sorry, we've decided to go with some lithe teenager singing generic bouncy pap." At that point Paul asked his manager "Whither do all human aspirations come?". His manager replied, "They...
A: "...come to dust."

______________-_________________-_____________

Next: Only if I can watch.


----------



## MoonlightSonata

Q: Can I borrow some toilet plungers to help me climb up the side of a very tall building while wearing a Pierre Boulez costume?
A: Only if I can watch.

[hr][/hr]

Next: I think that's a bit hypocritical.


----------



## Vesteralen

Question: Doctor, don't you think you give too many injections?

Answer: I think that's a bit hypo-critical.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Next: One is silver, the other's gold


----------



## Vesteralen

Oh, well (I'm not very good at picking answers...sorry)

It's not a very well known thing, but back in the early seventies the star of the movie version of M*A*S*H and the movie "Getting Straight" was asked to star in The Lone Ranger movie. The cinematographer on the film was new to the industry and had some unusual ideas. In one sequence, The Lone Ranger was going across the desert, and out of kindness, got off his horse and started to lead it, looking for water.

The cameraman wanted to film a portion of the scene in a long shot. But, when he backed the crew up as far as he wanted it, the director shouted. "We're too far away, man! I can't even make out who they are! Can you?"

"Sure", said the cameraman, "One is Silver, the other's Gould".

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Let someone else provide an new answer


----------



## Dim7

Vesteralen said:


> Oh, well (I'm not very good at picking answers...sorry)


I've often got a surplus of answers, while I struggle to come up with the questions. If you feel you aren't very good at answers, you can leave that to the next poster.

Your current next answer seems pretty easy one to question though. What I find difficult are those that are hardly even grammatical sentences....


----------



## Vesteralen

Dim7 said:


> I've often got a surplus of answers, while I struggle to come up with the questions. If you feel you aren't very good at answers, you can leave that to the next poster.


I took your suggestion, Dim7. The thread is now open for new answer submissions.....


----------



## Dim7

Well, as I said I think that answer would probably have found its question, but here's the next one.

Next answer: Yes yes, that is very manly, but please stop doing that in front of Her Majesty.


----------



## Ingélou

Question: You know, I'm nervous, waiting to see the Queen, but I'm perfectly under control. Look - see this! Now my lip is trembling but in a twinkle - look, it's stiff again. Stiff upper lip, what? See - trembling - and then immoveable - lip trembling - then lip stiff. I think I can change my lip tension faster - every second. Flub - bah - flub - bah - flub - bah. Yes I *can*! Don't you think that's a fine old British tradition?

Answer: Yes yes, that is very manly, but please stop doing that in front of Her Majesty.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Next answer: The real problem is that I can't do it fast enough.


----------



## Vesteralen

Question: Vesteralen, don't you think you're being too hard on yourself when you find you can't keep up with posting disparaging remarks on all the threads on TC that ask "Who's the greatest?"

Answer: The real problem is that I can't do it fast enough.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Next answer: But, she's left-handed!


----------



## Ingélou

Question: When I talked about sinister infiltrators, lefties and non-conformists taking over our British Raj Memorial Club Night Committee, I certainly didn't mean your girlfriend in particular, Tomkinson. What reason would she have for taking it personally? None at all. She's too thin-skinned - but _*what*_, old bean? No, come on, spit it out. But *what*?

Answer: But, she's left-handed!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Next answer: A tall man in a black cloak and riding a pale horse.


----------



## Vesteralen

Question: What('s) (leans to the left), and can't do the limbo? (Crossword solvers should get this)

Answer: A tall man in a black cloak and riding a pale horse.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Next Answer: The last man standing


----------



## Ingélou

Vesteralen said:


> Question: What('s) (leans to the left), and can't do the limbo? *(Crossword solvers should get this)*
> 
> Answer: A tall man in a black cloak and riding a pale horse.
> 
> XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
> 
> Next Answer: The last man standing


Er.... no! 
I'll have to get you to explain it! 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Question: In your travels in the Tardis, Doctor, you must have come across many interesting people and picked up many fascinating facts. And many useless ones too. For example, you tell me that the people of Dunwich gathered on the shore to throw symbolic pebbles into the sea as their parliamentary rotten borough was abolished in 1832. And you tell me that you got this information from a man called Frederick Barne. But who *was* Frederick Barne?

Answer: The last man standing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Next Answer: I will arise and go now, and go to Innisfree.


----------



## Vesteralen

Ingélou said:


> Er.... no!
> I'll have to get you to explain it!
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Well, when I thought of the black cloak and the pale horse, I thought of the word "sinister". When I thought of someone tall on a horse, I thought how difficult it would be to do the limbo in that situation. So, my simple question should have been, "What's sinister and can't do the limbo?" But, when I thought of the old meaning of sinister, and pictured someone leaning to the left, I couldn't resist making it more obscure. Sorry.......



> Next Answer: I will arise and go now, and go to Innisfree.


It's another seldom known fact that the creator of Sir John Appleby, the famous detective, once had an admiring female "groupie". After one particular incident when she had to be forcibly removed from a charity dinner after creating an embarrassing scene, she found herself thrown in the local jail to cool off. When the guard came to release her in the morning he asked, "Well, my lady, what will you do now?"

Answer: "I will arise and go now, and go to Innes free"

Next answer: The rank is but the guinea stamp


----------



## Vesteralen

Well, looks like I stumped the thread again.

I'll try to get us out of it:

During the filming of Far From the Madding Crowd with Julie Christie, one of her costars gave a set assistant a five pound note to buy some food from a local farmer. Being really old, the farmer gave the assistant change from the purchase in old coins. 

As the assistant was hurrying back across the pasture, she tripped and scattered the change on the ground. One of the coins fell into a cow patty. She quickly gathered them all up and hurried back to the set.

When she handed the actor his food and his change, he sniffed the air and exclaimed, "Can you smell that? Is it just me, or does this change smell awful?"

Whereupon the girl replied, "Not all of it. The rank is but the guinea, Stamp."

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Okay, next answer over to someone else!


----------



## Ingélou

^^^^^ Relax - you're not stumping the thread. People often take a day or two to answer, and I don't think that anyone much is on TC to read your very witty posts at present - I love the one about Innes, btw. :tiphat:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Question: You've answered a couple of questions for our market-research, but I'm afraid that you don't fit our profile. The next answer we require needs to come from a female under thirty, and didn't you just give your age as 'over seventy-five', sir?

Answer: Okay, next answer over to someone else!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Next answer: That was when I realised that they'd all gone home.


----------



## MoonlightSonata

Q: After your performance of a kazoo arrangement of the complete works of John Williams, you started to read the Korean translation of _War and Peace_ backwards, but stopped after just four hours. Why?
A: That was when I realised that they'd all gone home.

[hr][/hr]

Next answer: I hardly think that's appropriate for someone of your public standing.


----------



## Abraham Lincoln

Q: May I dump a bucket of saliva over Justin Bieber's ridiculous haircut the next time he goes on stage?
A: I hardly think that's appropriate for someone of your public standing.

Next answer: Just throw in a lot of parallel fifts and octaves and you'll have him reaching for the barf bag in no time.


(Am I doing this correctly?)


----------



## Ingélou

MoonlightSonata said:


> Q: After your performance of a kazoo arrangement of the complete works of John Williams, you started to read the Korean translation of _War and Peace_ backwards, but stopped after just four hours. Why?
> A: That was when I realised that they'd all gone home.
> 
> [hr][/hr]
> 
> Next answer: I hardly think that's appropriate for someone of your public standing.


 Oh, I love that one! :tiphat:



Abraham Lincoln said:


> Q: May I dump a bucket of saliva over Justin Bieber's ridiculous haircut the next time he goes on stage?
> A: I hardly think that's appropriate for someone of your public standing.
> 
> Next answer: Just throw in a lot of parallel fifts and octaves and you'll have him reaching for the barf bag in no time.
> 
> (*Am I doing this correctly?*)


Yes, you are! :tiphat:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

AL's next answer: Just throw in a lot of parallel fifths and octaves and you'll have him reaching for the barf bag in no time.


----------



## Vesteralen

Don Carlos del Encina, otherwise known as the boozing poet, had the habit, when under the influence, of chewing up any compositions with which he was not particularly happy. To the amazement of his acquaintances, doing this never seemed to make him sick at his stomach. Once, however, his friend Ramon had seen him chew up some eight-line poems and drink whiskey while lying down, and the results were catastrophic.

On a later occasion, Ramon's friend Pablo witnessed one of these poetic chow-downs and asked Ramon, "Doesn't he ever get sick doing this?"

Ramon said in answer: "Not if he's standing up. But, you should see what happens when he lies down. Just throw in a lot of parallel fifths and octaves and you'll have him reaching for the barf bag in no time."


XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Next answer: "Don't worry, it will pass in a minute or two".


----------



## Ingélou

Question: "I have a noble urge to complete my literary education by finally tackling James Joyce's _Ulysses_."

Answer: "Don't worry, it will pass in a minute or two."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Next answer: It all depends on the strength of your willpower.


----------



## TurnaboutVox

Question: So to become a TC moderator I must forswear from ever posting even a single post in the scurrilous threads? I must not ever indulge in AAQWAQ or Stupid thread Ideas? What about Mahlerian? He is a moderator yet he posts there?

Greybeard: Yes, my boy, but he has superpowers which render him immune to the degenerate effects of satirical humour. You must do as I say, and never post impure, disrespectful jokes if you can ever hope to make me and your mother proud.

Young man: So father, I must be strong? My will must triumph over the joy I feel in my heart when I desire to tell a scabrous tale or a ribald joke? If I wish to attain the Olympic heights I must instead engage in dusty academic debates about functional tonality? 

Answer: Yes, It all depends on the strength of your willpower.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Whoops, I forgot my manners.

Next answer: I think that's really why he became a professional Boulez impersonator!


----------



## Vesteralen

So, I hear your cousin came back from Las Vegas. Wasn't he going to try taking his Elvis imitation routine out there and make a living out of it?

Well, he tried, but there was too much competition. Elvis is just too popular. I think that's really why he's become a professional Boulez impersonator.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Next answer: If I were you, I'd let go of the tomato now.


----------



## TurnaboutVox

Question: I really hate that sort of pretentious cr**. That "Ballet Mécanique"...it really makes my blood boil. What do they take us for, these modernists? And that awful, cacophonous score by that complete no-mark, what's his name, George Antheil? Well, I'm going to show him! I'm gonna go down to that movie theater and _sock_ it to him! Splat! Take that, you poseur.

Answer: I shouldn't do that, old chap, he just wants the notoriety. It's so he can feel like Stravinsky at the premiere of the "Rite of Spring". If I were you, I'd let go of the tomato now.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Next answer: I think it might be some sort of musical composter...


----------



## Dr Johnson

Q: "Good God, Holmes, what is is it?" "I'm not sure, Watson, but...










...I think it might be some sort of musical composter..."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Next: Yet, as usual in such situations, it is hard to see what else the composer could have done.


----------



## HolstThePhone

Q: He wrote on the score instructions for the conductor to throw his baton at the worst playing trombonist. It was an unfortunate twist of fate that the baton went straight through the trombonist's temple. Yet, as usual in such situations, it is hard to see what else the composer could have done. 

Next: I've got a cream you can borrow for that


----------



## Dr Johnson

Q: I'm so worried that the VPO is full of Nazis that I'm coming out in a rash. What shall I do?
A: I've got a cream you can borrow for that.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Next: Some laws become exemplars of how not to make them.


----------



## TurnaboutVox

Dr Johnson said:


> Q: I'm so worried that the VPO is full of Nazis that I'm coming out in a rash. What shall I do?
> A: I've got a cream you can borrow for that.


An Anti-Historyamine, I take it?


----------



## Ingélou

My research link for this post - I love no. 6! - www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/1568475/Ten-stupidest-laws-are-named.html 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Question: Congratulations, Mr MacDuff, on winning the Grim Glaswegian Award for 2015. It's a rule of the competition that no public action of the contestants can bear a comic interpretation. Now - in the city of York it is legal to murder a Scotsman within the ancient city walls, but only if he is carrying a bow and arrow. I see. A medieval rule that got left on the books. But honestly, what* serious* point were you trying to make by parading on the Bar Walls in full highland rig, waving a Super-Kids'-Bow-and-Arrow-Set (still in its packet) and shouting 'Coward!' at passers-by - what point, Mr Macduff, in a nutshell?

Answer: _(snarls)_ That's easy, ye doitit sassenach: 'some laws become exemplars of how not to make them'.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Next answer: He changed his name - and there was no more trouble.


----------



## Dr Johnson

^^
Re the stupid laws in the link: How on earth did anyone arrive at No. 3???


----------



## Taggart

Dr Johnson said:


> ^^
> Re the stupid laws in the link: How on earth did anyone arrive at No. 3???


The internet? The Telegraph later published a disclaimer. Drat, that will hit the sales of tropical fish in Liverpool. 

Back to the game, Ingélou's answer :

Next answer: He changed his name - and there was no more trouble.


----------



## Abraham Lincoln

Q: I once knew of a man named Adolf Hitler. He was a perfectly ordinary and peaceful person who would feed the birds in the park after work. Sometimes he would find a homeless person or beggar on the street and he would buy them food and drinks. He lived with two cats and a dog, worked at a tiny convenience store and was the nicest guy you'd ever hope to meet. But somehow, he never had many friends or managed to get a less lowly job because he coincidentally shared his name with a certain Nazi dictator. People would avoid him for the same reason. I haven't seen him since last month or so, did he move out because of all the prejudice?

A: No, he's still here. He's gotten a much better job too. He changed his name - and there was no more trouble.


Next answer: In his rage, he picked up Schumann's diary and whacked Wagner over the head with it.


----------



## Dr Johnson

Q:The Führer was furious. He was in über- rant mode. He stormed. He raged. He banged his fist on the table. He slowly took off his glasses in a sinister way. People were being critical of the beloved, the wonderful VPO. How dare they? Who were these cultural Untermenschen to find fault with the greatest orchestra in the world? Ok, so the New Year's Day concert was a little tacky, a bit James Last, but leaving that aside, what could compare to the divine Herbert Von K conducting the VPO in a bit of Bruckner?

The Führer stared across his desk at the two men charged with managing the process of rebuttal of this smear campaign. Hauptsturmführer Schumann and Untersturmführer Wagner shifted uneasily.
Schumann fingered the huge, heavy diary he carried which detailed every disgusting piece of foreign mendacity concerning the VPO and the measures taken to refute the allegations. 

'Mein Führer!' said Schumann, 'may I show you my huge, heavy diary in which I have kept a record of all our efforts to combat the vile slurs on the VPO?“ The Führer nodded. The book was placed in front of him and opened. General Krebs immediately started running his finger over it.

'Stop that, Krebs!' shouted the Führer, 'it's not a ******* map! Now, what have you two clowns done about this problem?'
'Mein Führer!' said Wagner, 'We have a master plan.'
'Well?' 
'Mein Führer! We are participating in a thread on a classical music forum about the VPO and its image!'
'And?'
' Mein Führer! That is all...' said Wagner. Flecks of foam appeared at the corners of Hitler's mouth. His hand shook. He stood up. The whole room wondered what would the Führer do next?

A: In his rage, he picked up Schumann's diary and whacked Wagner over the head with it.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Next: I'm sorry that it's a bit of a shaggy dog story, but I had a fight with a food processor.


----------



## Azol

Q: Alexander Ritter once asked Richard Strauss: "Dear Richard, what gave you an idea to write such a composition as your Symphonia Domestica?"

A: "I'm sorry that it's a bit of a shaggy dog story, but I had a fight with a food processor."

Now we know Strauss was very advanced composer, utilising food processors even at dawn of 20th century 

---------------------

Next A: "No, I was about to ask you the same question!"


----------



## Abraham Lincoln

Cat 1: Meow!

Cat 2: Meow.

Cat 1: Meow?

Cat 2: No, I was about to ask you the same question!

((Oh dear, that was so unmotivated...))

Next Answer: Lincoln should get a life.


----------



## Ingélou

Question: Hey, Raph, did I tell you the latest news doing the rounds, according to Gabriel and the boys? The Supreme Command have decided to reward Abraham Lincoln because his celestial record is so good and his time on earth *was* cut short so cruelly. 
He was offered three options - promotion to Grade 3 of the Seraphs' Recreational Committee - maestro status on the harp, so that at last he'd be allowed to join the Ethereal Orchestra - or another stab at living a life on earth. Which do you think he should choose?

Answer: Lincoln should get a life.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Next Answer: Yeah - they realised that using the picture as a cd cover wasn't such a great idea after all.


----------



## TurnaboutVox

Q; Did you see that picture in the Daily Mail of that British horn player with the Santiago PO? He was photographed snorting cocaine with bankers and handing out the cannabis concealed in his French horn! It makes for a great picture, but the guy's probably going to prison for 5 years. Course his record company don't know what to do now. They thought that the picture would cause a sensation with the public, create a 'bad boy' image of classical music and sell tens of thousands of CDs. Then the horn player's family and the orchestra management threatened to sue for $100 million. 

A: Yeah - they realised that using the picture as a cd cover wasn't such a great idea after all. 


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


New Answer: I hadn't realised until now that Britney Spears was considered one of the truly great cultural icons of our times.


----------



## Abraham Lincoln

H-how do you guys come up with such amazing answers?! ;_;


----------



## Dim7

Abraham Lincoln said:


> H-how do you guys come up with such amazing answers?! ;_;


Is that the question for the answer "I hadn't realised until now that Britney Spears was considered one of the truly great cultural icons of our times" ?


----------



## Dr Johnson

Q: "Watson, I've just joined a forum called Talk Classical." "Have you, Homes? Good show! I expect it's jolly informative."
"Yes, Watson, it is. Extraordinarily wide ranging. And not just classical music." "Why, Holmes, what else have you learned?"
A: "I hadn't realised until now that Britney Spears was considered one of the truly great cultural icons of our times."

_____________________________________________

Next: But evermore came out by the same door as in I went.


----------



## Ingélou

*Question**: So you claim that Burt Evermore wasn't actually in the hall at the moment that Ann Widdecombe leapt out of the headmaster's birthday cake? He says he got to the hall at 2.30, just as the party began - you say that he left at 2.40, just as you arrived. How can you be sure of that?

Answer: Ee, lad - Burt Evermore came out by the same door as in I went.
*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I like this answer^^, but I realise that it's a bit cheaty - so here's a more orthodox try.

*Question**: Didn't you ever persuade Ann Widdecombe to grant you an interview?

Answer: Unfortunately not - I must have called at her hotel five or six times but...

Question: But what?

Answer: But evermore came out by the same door as in I went.
*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Next answer: I didn't mind at all - had got used to it - until the moment when everyone started to laugh.


----------



## Dr Johnson

Q: Did you feel that you had drawn the short straw when the only costume available at the last minute for the fancy dress party was the Britney Spears oufit?
A: I didn't mind at all - had got used to it - until the moment when everyone started to laugh. 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Next: Make sure the assembly instructions have been followed correctly.


----------



## Abraham Lincoln

Q: I ordered a make-your-own Franz Liszt kit, but why does my end result look like Britney Spears??!!

A: Make sure the assembly instructions have been followed correctly.


Next Answer: Benjamin Franklin.


----------



## Ingélou

Just a minute, dear. I'm surfing.... Oh no, here's *another* one of those 'Top 10 Things You Didn't Know' threads. Hmmm, he came from a big family - didn't they all in those days? Invented the glass harmonica - who *cares*? Did anyone ever go to a concert where anyone *played* one of those things? And I tell you what, he sure as heck did *not* invent the rocking chair!

Question: Who are we talking about here?

Answer: Benjamin Franklin.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Next answer: That's what I meant - in 99% of cases it would have made no difference if he'd said Corelli instead of Torelli...


----------



## Dr Johnson

Q: (With apologies to Somerset Maugham) “Of course, it was a desperate thing to do. Agreeing to bet one's little finger against a million pounds, winning or losing depending on whether one could identify a piece of music or not.” 
“Yes, especially if one's knowledge of the more obscure Baroque composers was not quite up to scratch, don't you think?”
A: “That's what I meant - in 99% of cases it would have made no difference if he'd said Corelli instead of Torelli... “

-----------------------------------------------------------------
Next: Do not use outdoors or in damp conditions.


----------



## Vesteralen

Harold: Marion, we've got a potential problem with these marching band uniforms!

Marion: Why Harold, whatever can it be? Are they the wrong color? Are they the wrong sizes?

Harold: No, nothing like that. It's the manufacturer's garment label.

Marion: Why? What does it say?

Harold: Do not use outdoors or in damp conditions.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Next answer: I think I lost it when I bent over to unleash my dog.


----------



## Ingélou

Wendy: Oh Frank, it's lovely to see you out and about again. You're looking well. Now, I'm an old friend, so you won't mind my saying that you seem to have forgotten to put on your toupée today. Or is it off to be cleaned?

Frank: What? (feels scalp frantically.) Oh gawd, I was wearing the Hamster when I set off as well. I thought I might meet someone & I wanted to look smart. I'd just styled it with a bit of coconut oil, funnily enough. Buster? *Buster!!!* Here, boy! Here, boy - Daddy's got something for you. (sotto voce) _Probably a good kick up the backside!_

Wendy: Why, whatever's the matter, Frank? You mean, you came out wearing your toupée and...?

Frank: (grimly) I think I lost it when I bent over to unleash my dog.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Next answer: Yes, it was a picture - I've never seen a violinist look so angry!


----------



## Vesteralen

Mom 1: I see your little girl was runner-up in the Society for the Appreciation of Artistic Greatness's (SAAG) annual awards show. You must be so proud!

Mom 2: Well, _I_ am. But, I'm afraid she isn't. _She_ stopped dead in her tracks when she saw what won First Prize.

Mom 1: You don't mean?

Mom 2: Yes, it was a _picture_!....I've never seen a violinist look so angry!

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Next answer: I told him, "John Milton would never have said that!"


----------



## Ingélou

Phil: Oh my! - he was trying to look as if he wasn't bothered. He said, 'Dad, who cares if I'm grounded for a few days. I've got everything I need in here. We've been doing Paradise Lost at school, and remember, John Milton said, 'The mind is its own place, and in itself/ Can make a Heaven of Hell, a Hell of Heaven.' Then he laughed, and said, 'Cool, right?

Darlene: *And what did you say to that, honey?*

Phil: *I told him, "John Milton would never have said that!"* Because it was actually Satan who said it, in a dramatic context. Took the wind right out of his sails!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Next answer: It was the worst birthday celebration that anyone ever had!


----------



## Dim7

Question: I heard Death himself had a birthday party today (ironic isn't it) and you were there. How was it?

Answer: It was the worst birthday celebration that anyone ever had! 

01232kd92093kkf92ASlllFKkkkkk

Next answer: I think it's just some creepy nerd subculture spawned from the depths of the Internet.


----------



## Dr Johnson

Q: "Watson, what is _Twitter?_". "I'm not entirely sure, Holmes, but....
A: ... I think it's just some creepy nerd subculture spawned from the depths of the Internet."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Next: It's ruddy enormous ! The mind boggles as to what it could get up to!


----------



## TurnaboutVox

Q: "Watson, what is that unlikely collection of orchestral musicians, soloists and choirs with parts for Havergal Brian's symphony "The Gothic" doing sitting outside our window at 221B Baker Street?

"I'm not entirely sure, Holmes, but....

A: ...It's ruddy enormous! The mind boggles as to what it could get up to! 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Next A: That was the moment he realised that something would have to change in his "arrangements".


----------



## Ingélou

Question: So - he arranged to take his secretary on a business trip & got there only to discover that his wife's catering firm had stepped in at the last minute to provide the catering, and his wife was overseeing it. I suppose he'd booked a double room for himself? How did he react?

Answer: That was the moment he realised that something would have to change in his "arrangements".

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Next Answer: Hello, Central, give me Doctor Jazz.


----------



## TurnaboutVox

Question: Will he live, Doctor? I think he may have overdosed. He joined a cult called "TalkClassical". He's been listening to Hildegarde von Bingen, Gesualdo, Lully, Couperin, Bach, Handel, both Haydns, Beethoven, Schumann, Chopin, Brahms, Liszt, Verdi, Debussy, Stravinsky, Puccini, Gershwin, Ives, Schoenberg, Bartok, Hindemith, Britten, Boulez, Babbitt, Murail, Saariaho, Reich, Glass, Takemitsu, Henze, Ligeti, Kurtag, Manoury, Rihm, Turnage, Penderecki, you name it, he's been listening - non stop - for two or three years now. All nations, all periods, all styles, all genres. What can you do? Can you save him? Please!

Emergency doctor: It's tough. It's touch and go. First we'll have to remove his headphones, by force, if necessary. But then he'll need a complete - _a complete and total _ - change of musical diet. It'll have to be...intravenous Kenny G! And the only person I know who can get that into him - who can save him - is...Dr Jazz!

Hello, Central? Get me Dr Jazz!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

New answer: So being made to learn to play the piccolo turned out to be the least of several evils.


----------



## Ingélou

^^^^^^ Ah, brilliant! :lol:


----------



## Vesteralen

When symphony violinist Adrianna Marcella Castronova became the thirteenth doctor's time traveling companion, she was able to save the population of the plant Sprees by undergoing a partial lobotomy, the people of the Amarzas system by diving into a tankful of liquid piscatelalium, the girls' school orchestra in Liverpool of the 1910s by filling in for an ailing woodwind recitalist, and the entire biosystem of the planet Ornitholosa by turning into a giant albatross and diving into an erupting volcano. Quite a life, wasn't it?

Answer: So being made to learn to play the piccolo turned out to be the least of several evils.


XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

New answer: No, I just locked the door and ducked.


----------



## TurnaboutVox

^^^^^ A nicely baroque invention, Vesteralen!


----------



## Dr Johnson

Q: "As I was emerging from the lavatory handily sited on the side of the erupting volcano I saw a giant albatross hurtling towards me." "What did you do? Run away?"
A: "No, I just locked the door and ducked."

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Next: There's clearly nothing quite like a rumour.


----------



## Vesteralen

He sort of had it coming to him. After all, when he showed up one night wanting to pay for a place to live for a while at Mrs. Blankenship's boarding house, he didn't have to cover the bottom half of his face with a scarf, did he? And, why did he have to go out by himself in the foggy dark every night there was a stabbing? One can easily understand why people in the neighborhood began to talk. I can't even blame the neighbors for getting together after the tenth victim was found and mobbing the house. I mean, who could have known that he was just going out to his job as night watchman at Coleman's Junkyard?
Too bad about the house burning down. One feels really sorry for Mrs. Blankenship. It certainly wasn't her fault, was it?

Answer: There's clearly nothing quite like a rumour (roomer).

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

New answer: A pickled beet.


----------



## TurnaboutVox

Question: Boy, what on earth do you think you're doing? I asked you all to write and perform a polyrhythmic piece for your end of term exam. And what is it you produce? A pile of root vegetables which some of your friends then proceed, on our very performing stage, to slice and dice and slosh with vinegar and spices? Idiot! What do you think this is, a conceptual art class? This is the composition class of the finest musical school in the Kingdom! Do you think your parents will be proud of you when they discover your asinine, seditious, childish prank? Which you _dare_ to have "performed" in our hallowed institution in front of the greatest musicians and composers of our day? What have you to say for yourself, maggot? What kind of rhythmic invention do you call this?

Answer: Er, a pickled 'beet', professor?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Next answer: A nicely baroque invention, my dear Reverend!


----------



## Dim7

Question: I thought that in order to save time we could have two or more priests preaching at the same time, arranged so that while the lines are independent they make sense together, a "contrapuntal sermon" so to speak. What do you think of it?

Answer: A nicely baroque invention, my dear Reverend!

---------------------------------------------------------------

Next answer: I'm an artist. I can do what the **** ever I want.


----------



## Ingélou

Question: I find this extraordinary, Ms Emin. You mean you really didn't mind when this new funky Art Gallery, *Asterisks ever I*, commissioned you to paint a representational picture entitled 'Committee Members drinking Tea'?

Answer: I'm an artist. I can do what the **** ever I want.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Next Answer: Yes, that *is* why I intend to make myself scarce for a while.


----------



## Dr Johnson

Question (Neighbour to neighbour who is loading suitcases into his car): I couldn't help noticing you burying the dismembered body of your wife in the garden yesterday but would I be right in assuming that the reason you are going away is because you played Rick Astley songs very loudly all over the Christmas period?

Answer: Yes, that i_s_ why I intend to make myself scarce for a while.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Next: The tree told me to do it.


----------



## TurnaboutVox

Question: The *tree* told you to do it?

A: Yes, the tree told me to do it.

His wife: What tree?

A: That tree over there. The one with the strings attached.

Wife: The tree with the str...oh, you mean the Christmas tree with its strings of decorations?

A: Yes, the Tree of Strings. It speaks to me.

Wife: I can see that, dear. You mean to say, you flooded the entire radio output of Britain on Christmas Day with all the known chamber works of Harrison Birtwistle, on a continuous loop, and locked and barricaded yourself in your studio for the day, because the Christmas tree told you to?

A: Yes.

Wife: This is the end of your career at Classic FM, you know. Have you any idea how Radio 1 and 2's audience reacted? The riots, the Prime Minister's personal mission to plead with you, the army being called out. To be honest, even half of Radio 3's audience - no, in fact *both* of them, were incandescent too, there was a live Xenakis recital that had to be cancelled. You do know that all the Classic FM listeners just switched off, they all thought something had gone wrong with their 'wireless sets'?

And you're sure you didn't do this to protest at 'The Lark Ascending' winning the 2015 'Classic FM Hall of Fame'? I did think you were a wee bit angry about that. You really shouldn't have done that to mother's cat, you know. And your violin is going to be quite tricky to repair after being drop-kicked. If you admit it, I won't be angry with you, I promise.

Answer: I told you, the tree told me to do it...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

New answer: It's because the whole thing was written in the Mixolydian mode, you see.


----------



## Taggart

Question: Why did you play the theme from 'Star Trek' at full volume in the market square on Thursday on your bagpipes? The town council is threatening to send you a bill for all the people affected by the way the pigeons reacted to it.

Answer: It's because the whole thing was written in the Mixolydian mode, you see. I knew it would be ideal for the pipes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

New answer: Kookaburra sits in the old gum tree.


----------



## Dim7

Question: What is the most profound insight on ornithology you have ever had?

Answer: Kookaburra sits in the old gum tree. 

----------------------------------------------------------

Next answer: I think your psychic love spellcasting is to blame for this mess.


----------



## PJaye

Question: What did cupid tell the other gods he was most sick of hearing from humans?

Answer: I think your psychic love spellcasting is to blame for this mess.
-----------------------------------------------
Next answer: I lost my clarinet. I had to go buy a new one, and there was a long line up at the music store.


----------



## Stavrogin

Question (Joey Ramone to Dee Dee Ramone): Where the ***** have you been man we've been waiting for you to start the f*ckin gig

Answer: I lost my clarinet. I had to go buy a new one, and there was a long line up at the music store.


----------------------


Next answer: If we lose, I will come to terms with that.


----------



## Dim7

Question: Seriously think about this twice. If we lose you will have to use Wilhelmina as your avatar for a whole month:










Are you really okay with this?

Answer: If we lose, I will come to terms with that.

----------------------------------------------------------

Next answer: At this point I think it is safe to say that the balance has shifted way too far to the Dionysian side of things.


----------



## Ingélou

Question: Professor Jardine, I'm pleased to meet you - I'm on a sabbatical from the States & I've been hoping for a word ever since I arrived. In fact that's why I came here this afternoon. But I'm kind of bemused - those second-year students from St John's have started playing strip-poker in a corner, the Old Norse post-grad is chalking obscene graffiti on the kitchen wall - he should know that runes I *can* read - and the freshers are researching how many knotted teatowels it takes for the blonde girl to shin down out of the window to reach the ground - I estimate the drop at twenty feet. Erm - is this *usual* for a Departmental Sherry Party in England?

Answer: It's not *un*usual. At this point I think it is safe to say that the balance has shifted way too far to the Dionysian side of things.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Next Answer: The only way you can do it is if the tomatoes are green and hard.


----------



## TurnaboutVox

Question: We want to smuggle catapults into the next Conservative Party conference, and I'm a bit stuck for ammunition I can get past security. For George Osborne it will need to be something that really hurts. We thought of disguising ourselves as caterers and bringing in a huge crate of cherry tomatoes, with the catapults hidden underneath. What do you reckon?

_So you really want to punish him for his vile attack on state support for the disabled ?_

Well, ideally we'd leave visible bruises, yes.

Answer: _The only way you can do it is if the tomatoes are green and hard._

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Next Answer: I will build a great wall - and nobody builds walls better than me, believe me.


----------



## Dim7

Question: I didn't conquer Europe for nothing you know. Ever heard of how you can see the Great Wall of China from the moon?* When I first heard of this I was very impressed, but I also thought: If you can see the wall from the moon, wouldn't it be even cooler if its shape actually resembled something? That's why it has been my dream to build my own wall since I was child. Now the time has come to finally fulfill this dream. 
*Not true
However I'm not exactly qualified to oversee colossal construction projects like this. That's why I've been thinking of letting you to be in the charge of this task. Do you think you could handle it? Knowing my refined sense of humor I think you know what kind of shape I'm looking for.

Answer: I will build a great wall - and nobody builds walls better than me, believe me.

-------------------------------------------------

Next answer: The moment I saw him unscrewing the pommel of his sword I knew I was doomed.


----------



## Ingélou

Hey, how did you enjoy Sheila's party? The last I saw of you, you were stuck with that Cedric Pratt, the one who goes everywhere dressed as D'Artagnan. I can't think why she asked him.

He probably hypnotised her. It's the British disease - politeness. He has that speech impediment and you just can't snub him.

Is that why he does those awful bird imitations? Does he still use that tiny whistle contraption stuffed into his cheek? Makes him look like a chipmunk.

Don't remind me. Now I know how purgatory feels. *The moment I saw him unscrewing the pommel of his sword I knew I was doomed.*

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Next answer: And worst of all, a garden gnome was sent to her instead.


----------



## Dr Johnson

Mrs Chuffer detested garden ornaments, but when she bought a 17th century farmhouse in Dorset she fell in love with the sundial on the front lawn. Unfortunately it seemed to have fallen victim to some petty vandalism: someone had stolen the gnomon. She spent half an hour on the internet and ordered a replacement. She thought to herself, “Once it has arrived and been fixed in place, what could spoil the perfection of my lovely sundial?”. 

As it turned out, quite a lot: the website from which she had ordered the item had charged her £5000 instead of £50, the delivery took 5 weeks to arrive and, worst of all, a garden gnome was sent to her instead.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Next: In the end it turned out to be made entirely of mashed potato.


----------



## TurnaboutVox

Did you hear over in the Audiophile sub-forum that one of the members had been conned out of $50,000? He ordered a high-end Japanese built "Biodynamic Acoustic Noise Filtration system"? It was a hefty, chunky piece of kit when it came, and the fancy black anodised aluminium "Soundwave Filtration Blocks" certainly looked the part. But he became suspicious after a week when the "Advanced Selective Frequency Sound Filter" began to discolour and smell peculiar, especially when it got hot.

So in the end he opened it up and what he found inside was, it was stuffed full of a white granular gel which on chemical analysis turned out to be made entirely of mashed potato.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Next: Of course, we did wonder why he'd chosen Carlo Gesualdo da Venosa as his "Composer persona".


----------



## Dim7

Question: For long our anagram obsessed friend had wanted his selfie to be used as the caravan's logo. But because he had spent too much time in Dr Johnson's SS, he had a massive problem with head lice so his photo wasn't considered presentable. But then he finally got rid of the lice once and for all and a photo of him could be used to represent the caravan. Did you know that's how he got the nickname "A Caravan's Deloused Logo"?

Answer: Of course, we did wonder why he'd chosen Carlo Gesualdo da Venosa as his "Composer persona".

-----------------------------------------------------

Next: For the sake of aesthetics, safety has to be compromised sometimes.


----------



## Mahlerian

Question: Congratulations on bringing together the first complete performance of Stockhausen's LICHT cycle. The costs may have been immense, but the rewards were enormous. That said, I was bothered by one thing. Wednesday happened to line up precisely with both the Fourth of July and National Drone Appreciation Day, and you got the helicopter pilots to go out there amid a barrage of fireworks and dodge the small craft of enthusiasts. What could you have said that convinced them to actually do it?

Answer: For the sake of aesthetics, safety has to be compromised sometimes.
______________________________________

New answer: No, that was _last week's_ life-or-death issue. It's gotten old now.


----------



## Merl

Question: Why is 4'33" disparaged, while Western forms of sacred music get their own forum? 
Answer: No, that was last week's life-or-death issue. It's gotten old now. 

New answer: An amateur baritone, who is a grave-digger from Rotherham.


----------



## Ingélou

Right, team - here's today's writing assignment. We need a character for our proposed TV Advertising Campaign for the new turnip-and-onion flavour of potato crisps. We need to create a character who's a man of the people but with a powerful voice - powerful as in strikes the emotions, not a politician or an entrepreneur - obviously, nobody posh, not a southerner - someone with strength - someone who knows about life-and-death issues. What sort of character would fit the bill? Blenkinsop - your answer?

An amateur baritone, who is a grave-digger from Rotherham.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Next Answer: That was the moment when I knew beyond any doubt that it was time to leave.


----------



## Dr Johnson

By this stage of the evening Captain Mainwaring had smoked several potent joints, as well as finishing off most of a bottle of cream sherry. I was surprised that he held himself together as well as he did. Nonetheless, it could not be long before the cracks began to show. Already he was beginning to expatiate about a woman he called “Ingelou”, whom he suspected of being a fifth columnist. His arguments for this were, to say the least, barely coherent. After a while I suggested that we leave to get something to eat. 

“Nonsense!” he said, “The party's scarcely begun. We haven't tried to steal Mrs Fox's knickers yet!” Seeing that there was no stopping him, I asked myself what I felt at his juncture. Should I stay or should I go?


That was the moment when I knew beyond any doubt that it was time to leave.


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I crawl like a viper through these suburban streets.


----------



## Ingélou

So, mate - you don't belong to a gym, or live near any green spaces, and you say you don't walk or run or ride your bicycle, yet you have the most amazing taut stomach muscles I've ever seen. How do you do it?

I crawl like a viper through these suburban streets.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Next Answer: I tell you that it cost absolutely nothing.


----------



## Dr Johnson

"Watson, we are in a tight spot. Ingelou has delayed posting the next answer in the game, causing me to ask where it was, upon which she amended the post. For once I am stuck for a solution."

"Good Lord, Holmes! You? Stuck for a solution? What must it have cost you to admit that?"

"I tell you that it cost absolutely nothing."

-----------------------------------------------------

The parrot decided to avoid getting a bank account.


----------



## Dim7

Dr Johnson said:


> Where's the next answer?


It's there now - but let's keep in mind that providing the next answer is not mandatory.


----------



## Ingélou

Dr Johnson said:


> Where's the next answer?


I always get my 'question' in first before someone else has a chance to post - then I take a minute or two to edit in the new answer.

It's there now.


----------



## Dr Johnson

Dim7 said:


> It's there now - but let's keep in mind that providing the next answer is not mandatory.


Not mandatory?? What madness is this? 

How is the game to be played otherwise?


----------



## Dim7

Dr Johnson said:


> Not mandatory?? What madness is this?
> 
> How is the game to be played otherwise?


If the questionmaker doesn't come up with the next answer, somebody else can...


----------



## Dr Johnson

Dim7 said:


> If the questionmaker doesn't come up with the next answer, somebody else can...


Ok, but that seems like a cop out to me.


----------



## Ingélou

Sam: What do you think of my modern Fable? It is meant to show up Western Capitalism for what it is.

A mynah bird had too many fir cones to eat, so he took them to a cockatoo friend of his and asked her to store them. The Cockatoo said that she could use the cones to increase the store 'substantially' and the mynah bird could have a share of the increase. The mynah agreed. Anyway a few weeks later, Parrot, a friend of Mynah's, asked what happened, and Mynah told him that Cockatoo had eaten his cones and in a burst of fertility had laid seven new eggs, which had hatched, and now the Mynah was responsible for the upkeep of the baby cockatoos. There - that's nailed it, hasn't it? (after a pause) Well, what do you think?

Alex: (sighs) Gordon Bennet, what a rigmarole! What could possibly be the moral of this modern fable?

Sam: (with a triumphant smirk) *The parrot decided to avoid getting a bank account!*

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Next Answer: It's there now - even though it's not mandatory.


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## Huilunsoittaja

You guys have gotten pretty hardcore with these question vignettes! Lemme try! I'm a creative writer after all... _this thread has been hijacked by a Russophile..._

--------------------------------

Andrei: So guess what I did?

Piotr: What now, Andryushka?

Andrei: I set up a piano improvisation course at the Music Academy! It was narrowly approved by the Staff Board, and I made a _donation _to the Director so he would cast a vote in my favor. He's taken such donations before...

Piotr: Ahh! Clever Andryushka! Now you're making quite a stir in modern Academia, teaching all these _anarchistic _musical methods! Let me guess... you will prescribe a healthy dose of _Chernyshevsky _in your curriculum, no?

Andrei: Oh _heavens _no! Nothing that extreme! _We _were never the fellows for _reading_, were we?

Piotr: No, I must admit we aren't... Anyhow, when does the class start up, and are you making _all _your piano students take it?

Andrei: It's there now - even though it's not mandatory.
*
Answer:*

_What better way to spend time than to concoct a perfect revolution!_


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## Dr Johnson

Amanda: Very flat, Norfolk.
Elyot: There's no need to be unpleasant.
Amanda: How did you pass the time there?
Elyot: Oh, the usual things.
Amanda: Yes, but apart from that?
Elyot: I invented several new cocktails.
Amanda: Were they too divine or simply sick-making?
Elyot: One of them was rather special. It's called a Perfect Revolution.
Amanda: Why?
Elyot: Because it makes the room spin.
Amanda _(suddenly serious)_: Should we be frittering our time away like this?
Elyot: What better way to spend time than to concoct a Perfect Revolution?

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Next: I shouldn't think so, not in those trousers.


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## Dim7

Question: I am afraid we don't have the kind of tight leatherpants you usually use to sing the high tenor F in this opera. These are the best trousers we've got now. Do you think you're still able to sing your role properly?

Answer: I shouldn't think so, not in those trousers.

---------------------------------

Next answer: I am frankly utterly disappointed in you for letting such mundane practical considerations to come in your way.


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## Gordontrek

To get to the other side.


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## EddieRUKiddingVarese

Why did the Hillman hunter cross the road

because a banjo was the key instrument


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## Dim7

Erm.... The next poster should come up with the question for the answer: "I am frankly utterly disappointed in you for letting such mundane practical considerations to come in your way."


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## EddieRUKiddingVarese

But what is the question


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## Dim7

That is for some other poster to decide. Some poster comes up with an answer, and after that another poster comes up with the question - see previous posts in this thread for examples. It's a bit wacky but that's how the thread works!

The next answer is still: I am frankly utterly disappointed in you for letting such mundane practical considerations to come in your way.


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## Ingélou

Chris: You're asking us why we can't, in your words, 'revolutionise' the next Parish Hall Concert? Why the Parish Councillors can't be 'people with a vision'? You want us to invite the Hallé Orchestra to put on 'a violin spectacular' featuring 'Bach, Mozart, Beethoven, Brahms & Bax' and with a 'really good soloist like Jascha Heifetz'? 
Okay then, here's why - we couldn't invite them for the next five years because we'd have to build an extension to fit them all in. But that would be okay because we'd need to do some serious fundraising to afford all the sheet music. 
Oh and by the way, you do realise that Heifetz is dead?

Pat: I am frankly utterly disappointed in you for letting such mundane practical considerations to come in your way.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Next answer: He said, 'I see you've been doing a bit of redecorating.'


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