# My Requiem Mass in D Minor.



## JamieHoldham

I am composing / writing a Requiem Mass, for myself because I personally know I wont live long, it may be quite soon possibly but I am not really going to go into detail although I will say I am not ill, at least not physically I don't have any life-threatening illnesses, I am going to post pictures here of it as I go along for no particular reason, I will be taking my time creating this piece to make it as beautiful as possible so don't expect many updates too often.

The piece is made for SATB chorus + soloists, 1st and 2nd Violins, Viola, Violincello, Double bass, Bassoon, Basset horn, 3 Trombones (alto, tenor and bass), Timpani and Organ continuo.

Edit / P.S: I don't actually have access to my proper computer to connect my tablet up and upload photos at the moment so that's another delay for pictures sadly.


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## Pugg

JamieHoldham said:


> I am composing / writing a Requiem Mass, for myself because I personally know I wont live long, it may be quite soon possibly but I am not really going to go into detail although I will say I am not ill, at least not physically I don't have any life-threatening illnesses, I am going to post pictures here of it as I go along for no particular reason, I will be taking my time creating this piece to make it as beautiful as possible so don't expect many updates too often.


Did you talk to a doctor about this?


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## JamieHoldham

No,I just deal with depression and the potential of becoming homeless and losing everything myself really, going to the doctors will probably make it worse..


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## Alexanbar

JamieHoldham said:


> I am composing / writing a Requiem Mass, for myself because I personally know I wont live long, it may be quite soon possibly but I am not really going to go into detail although I will say I am not ill, at least not physically I don't have any life-threatening illnesses, I am going to post pictures here of it as I go along for no particular reason, I will be taking my time creating this piece to make it as beautiful as possible so don't expect many updates too often.
> 
> The piece is made for SATB chorus + soloists, 1st and 2nd Violins, Viola, Violincello, Double bass, Bassoon, Basset horn, 3 Trombones (alto, tenor and bass), Timpani and Organ continuo.
> 
> Edit / P.S: I don't actually have access to my proper computer to connect my tablet up and upload photos at the moment so that's another delay for pictures sadly.


Do you refuse from this musical project?


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## Pugg

JamieHoldham said:


> No,I just deal with depression and the potential of becoming homeless and losing everything myself really, going to the doctors will probably make it worse..


Only if you don't want help makes it worse, please mate, see a doctor.


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## JamieHoldham

Alexanbar said:


> Do you refuse from this musical project?


Not entirely sure what you mean, but I don't need access to a computer (ignoring my laptop I am on now) to make the music, I just write it down on paper manuscript rather than use conventional notation programs. I have done 1 page so far.


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## JamieHoldham

Pugg said:


> Only if you don't want help makes it worse, please mate, see a doctor.


It is possible I am worrying to much about things that aren't going to happen, even though they have the potential to at this point in my life, I doubt going to a doctor will magically secure my University position, thus leaving my parents home and not having to pay them for my keep & stay in the house (which I agree with, but I will simply run out of money eventually and become homeless.) There is a possibility of trying to get a meaningless day job or going to a Job Center to be treated like a idiot, I know everyone is trained to not question the government and passively accept lower pay, reduced benefits for more work, longer hours and a disappearing pension that goes as soon as you go to collect it, and I will be called lazy, but I don't want to be a slave of the government all my life, I just want to make music, as if life was as simple as that. Anyway I think I should wait, I might get the University position and all this worry and stress is for nothing I hope.


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## Samuel Kristopher

Mate, I know this doesn't really make you feel any better, but you're not alone in this struggle. A lot of us grapple with depression and that black feeling of not seeing any point or purpose in carrying on in life. This is especially so for us creative monkeys, who generally detest the monotony of non-creative life and feel that we have to "suffer" so long as we aren't doing what we are passionate about. 

There's no easy way out, that's for sure, but there are ways to combine "servitude to the government" (as you call it) and creative passions. The first thing you need to accept is that there's nothing shameful about having a day-job, and I'm not talking about call centres or sitting on a factory line. Save up, get a CELTA, and go to South-East Asia for a few years. Make a butt-load of cash teaching English as a foreign language then with your experience move to a country like Germany or Poland and settle into contracted work earning a comfortable living with 30-ish hours a week. My ESL job in Russia allows me on average 7-8 hours a day for leisure - plenty of time to pursue my passions, go to concerts, and generally enjoy life. That's just an example. "Servitude to the government" doesn't have to be boring or unproductive. 

While you're doing all that, look up some freelancing sites like Upwork or others. Build up a portfolio. Selling art, be it music, painting, or writing, is a slow start, but be patient - give it a year or two. The more experience you get, the more opportunities you'll get. It probably won't pay your bills for a long time - if ever, but it goes nicely with whatever you earn from your other job. I've started doing that with writing - I was depressed for years about not being able to publish anything, and now I earn a hundred or so dollars a month freelancing, and that's money I earn doing what I love. On top of my ESL wage, it's great. 

Thirdly, and you mightn't believe me but it's true and I hope others can confirm this: Work breeds Productivity. I love holidays, but they suck and I usually end up depressed near the end of them. Free time is toxic, contrary to popular opinion. I've found, without fail, that I write the greatest amount of literature and music during my working weeks. I don't know the psychology why, but maybe it's because humans have always had to work for their survival - it's only recently in our history that we've had so much free time. I found the fastest way out of depression was getting busy, and I mean that. It's a great feeling, finishing work, racing home, starting up Sibelius and getting stuck into writing. During holidays, I generally slip back into tiredness and depression.

Lastly, have you heard the phrase, "you make your own luck"? I think it's 50% true. Mentality is a huge part of one's success, and learning to break my defeatist attitude was the first step in accomplishing all of the above. For this, I needed psychiatric help. Pugg is absolutely right - don't take depression, especially suicidal thoughts, with a pinch of salt. I don't know where this myth comes from that they can't help, but I have a feeling it's from people who never tried it. Yes, it's a big step walking into a clinic and trusting your own mental health to somebody else, but that in itself is already a positive step forward. We are social creatures living in a decreasingly social world, and opening oneself up to another person is healthy. They can help you with strategies for getting on track, they can help you see yourself in a different light, they can help break these destructive defeatist mentalities that stop you from trying anything new, etc. 

About your Requiem Mass, I don't recommend continuing with it. It will only reinforce your defeated mentality and help you convince yourself that there's no hope. Please, for your own sake, see somebody about it. 

Oh, and try meeting other people, even online if you have to! At the height of my depression, I took my friend's advice and went on Interpals and ended up finding my girlfriend of 4 years there - and that's how long I've been mostly free of depression


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## JamieHoldham

Samuel Kristopher said:


> Mate, I know this doesn't really make you feel any better, but you're not alone in this struggle. A lot of us grapple with depression and that black feeling of not seeing any point or purpose in carrying on in life. This is especially so for us creative monkeys, who generally detest the monotony of non-creative life and feel that we have to "suffer" so long as we aren't doing what we are passionate about.
> 
> There's no easy way out, that's for sure, but there are ways to combine "servitude to the government" (as you call it) and creative passions. The first thing you need to accept is that there's nothing shameful about having a day-job, and I'm not talking about call centres or sitting on a factory line. Save up, get a CELTA, and go to South-East Asia for a few years. Make a butt-load of cash teaching English as a foreign language then with your experience move to a country like Germany or Poland and settle into contracted work earning a comfortable living with 30-ish hours a week. My ESL job in Russia allows me on average 7-8 hours a day for leisure - plenty of time to pursue my passions, go to concerts, and generally enjoy life. That's just an example. "Servitude to the government" doesn't have to be boring or unproductive.
> 
> While you're doing all that, look up some freelancing sites like Upwork or others. Build up a portfolio. Selling art, be it music, painting, or writing, is a slow start, but be patient - give it a year or two. The more experience you get, the more opportunities you'll get. It probably won't pay your bills for a long time - if ever, but it goes nicely with whatever you earn from your other job. I've started doing that with writing - I was depressed for years about not being able to publish anything, and now I earn a hundred or so dollars a month freelancing, and that's money I earn doing what I love. On top of my ESL wage, it's great.
> 
> Thirdly, and you mightn't believe me but it's true and I hope others can confirm this: Work breeds Productivity. I love holidays, but they suck and I usually end up depressed near the end of them. Free time is toxic, contrary to popular opinion. I've found, without fail, that I write the greatest amount of literature and music during my working weeks. I don't know the psychology why, but maybe it's because humans have always had to work for their survival - it's only recently in our history that we've had so much free time. I found the fastest way out of depression was getting busy, and I mean that. It's a great feeling, finishing work, racing home, starting up Sibelius and getting stuck into writing. During holidays, I generally slip back into tiredness and depression.
> 
> Lastly, have you heard the phrase, "you make your own luck"? I think it's 50% true. Mentality is a huge part of one's success, and learning to break my defeatist attitude was the first step in accomplishing all of the above. For this, I needed psychiatric help. Pugg is absolutely right - don't take depression, especially suicidal thoughts, with a pinch of salt. I don't know where this myth comes from that they can't help, but I have a feeling it's from people who never tried it. Yes, it's a big step walking into a clinic and trusting your own mental health to somebody else, but that in itself is already a positive step forward. We are social creatures living in a decreasingly social world, and opening oneself up to another person is healthy. They can help you with strategies for getting on track, they can help you see yourself in a different light, they can help break these destructive defeatist mentalities that stop you from trying anything new, etc.
> 
> About your Requiem Mass, I don't recommend continuing with it. It will only reinforce your defeated mentality and help you convince yourself that there's no hope. Please, for your own sake, see somebody about it.
> 
> Oh, and try meeting other people, even online if you have to! At the height of my depression, I took my friend's advice and went on Interpals and ended up finding my girlfriend of 4 years there - and that's how long I've been mostly free of depression


Just want to say first of all I appreciate you taking the time to write all of this and try to help me, I agree with your points that you will feel more creative & want enjoy free time more when you are working hard, because it is more valuable and you don't get it as often, therefore you appreciate it more. Even though that's great, it is the work / job itself that I would hate especially IT / office jobs, I would seriously rather be dead, the last IT course I went on I was so bored and annoyed every second of the time I was there, so unless I get a job to do with the only thing I like - composing music would be the only thing I would enjoy.

Which with so many in the world no one cares about anyone who isn't famous, and who writes music down that cant be appreciated by anyone who cant listen to notes with at least relative pitch. As for meeting people, I am extremely shy and anxious, always have been no matter how many people I meet and talk to, I am convinced its something that will never go away, which almost helps not having to worry about it as much. And the Requiem itself, I feel like this is something I have to do, it comforts me composing and listening to pieces of music as majestic as a Requiem or Mass, its a feeling I cant really explain that also happens with any other pieces of music I compose whilst writing and not making in a program.

As for the advice of going to different countries, teaching languages, my shyness doesn't help for jobs with a lot of talking and interacting, which I have don't lots of and don't really try to avoid it, it just doesn't seem to help. And I simply think that is out of my league, I don't really like new things, just sticking to what I know.

Thanks again for all the advice, I appreciate it regardless of whether it helps or not, and like I said maybe I am worrying too much.


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## Samuel Kristopher

I used to be a manic introvert too, very insecure and I thought that there was nothing short of a miracle that could get me out into the real world, teaching was really hard and uncomfortable for the first year but I stuck at it and it really helped. I don't know, mate, I know it's hard to get started but if you only stick to what you know, you'll never grow as a person. It sucks and it feels horrible but once you're on the other side, one can look back and see how much it was worth it. When you reach the other side, with regular income, your own place, your own stuff, and free time to spend on your hobbies - that is success and something to be very, very proud of. 

At the same time, I remember people said this to me for several years until the right circumstances came together and I finally decided to change my life. So, I understand what you mean, maybe it's just not the right time yet  But it will come sooner or later, and if I remember rightly from your earlier posts, you're still in your teenage years, right? Forgive me if I'm wrong, but if so, then you've still got a looong time to sort yourself out. I'm 27 and I'd only say I've been "sorted out" for the last year or two. Be patient and try not to worry, as you say  Let life happen and see what comes out of it.


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## JamieHoldham

Samuel Kristopher said:


> I used to be a manic introvert too, very insecure and I thought that there was nothing short of a miracle that could get me out into the real world, teaching was really hard and uncomfortable for the first year but I stuck at it and it really helped. I don't know, mate, I know it's hard to get started but if you only stick to what you know, you'll never grow as a person. It sucks and it feels horrible but once you're on the other side, one can look back and see how much it was worth it. When you reach the other side, with regular income, your own place, your own stuff, and free time to spend on your hobbies - that is success and something to be very, very proud of.
> 
> At the same time, I remember people said this to me for several years until the right circumstances came together and I finally decided to change my life. So, I understand what you mean, maybe it's just not the right time yet  But it will come sooner or later, and if I remember rightly from your earlier posts, you're still in your teenage years, right? Forgive me if I'm wrong, but if so, then you've still got a looong time to sort yourself out. I'm 27 and I'd only say I've been "sorted out" for the last year or two. Be patient and try not to worry, as you say  Let life happen and see what comes out of it.


I am not too long past my teenage years, I am 19 at the moment, been to college back before I had any interest in composing so I was studying I.T related courses which I didn't find too bad but eventually got extremely bored by. Apart from going to Uni college again is a possibility by studying something such as music theory, but that runs me into the problem of having to pay from my upkeep and eventually running out of money. If the situation works out though eventually I will hopefully break out of my shell as you say, it has been a long time coming.


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## JamieHoldham

A written update on the Requiem, finished a "short" 14 bar introduction to the 1st movement, Introit, going to focus 100% on the vocals next then do the instrumentation over it afterwards. Still no word about getting my PC back to get photos uploaded yet sadly :/


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## Pugg

JamieHoldham said:


> A written update on the Requiem, finished a "short" 14 bar introduction to the 1st movement, Introit, going to focus 100% on the vocals next then do the instrumentation over it afterwards. Still no word about getting my PC back to get photos uploaded yet sadly :/


We do have all the time in the world


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## JamieHoldham

Pugg said:


> We do have all the time in the world


That's good , I am going to need the all the time I can get to make it as best as I can, also I have got about 17 movements to create at least to cover all the text in a Requiem.


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## JamieHoldham

List of movement structure atleast for now: 1. Introit 2. Kyrie 3. Gradual 4. Tract 5. Dies Irae 6. Tuba mirum 7. Rex tremendae 8. Recordare 9. Confutatis 10. Lacrimosa 11. Domine Jesu 12. Hostias 13. Sanctus 14. Benedictus 15. Agnus Dei 16. Communion 17. Pie Jesu 18. Libera me 19. In paradisium (possibly swap this movement with Lacrimosa's position.)


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## JamieHoldham

3 and a half / 4 pages complete so far, will update as I go on.


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## JamieHoldham

Got a deadline of the 12th of this month my computer will be sent back so I can upload photos of the score.


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## BaritoneAssoluto

I can't wait to see the pictures and to finally see it on sale. I'd love to perform a newly crafted piece, especially if the solo parts for Bass are amazingly low and high .


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## JamieHoldham

BaritoneAssoluto said:


> I can't wait to see the pictures and to finally see it on sale. I'd love to perform a newly crafted piece, especially if the solo parts for Bass are amazingly low and high .


I hope I can get the pictures clear enough, I only really have a slightly outdated tablet to take photos with, hopefully its enough.


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## Pugg

JamieHoldham said:


> I hope I can get the pictures clear enough, I only really have a slightly outdated tablet to take photos with, hopefully its enough.


Waiting full of impatiently. :tiphat:


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## JamieHoldham

Pugg said:


> Waiting full of impatiently. :tiphat:


I think all this time without a chance to play games which I am shamefully addicted to and takes up most of my time has done me some good however so I can focus more on composing and less games.. expect a lot more more output in the near future  not only for that reason but if lets say something bad happens in my life I can get at least a decent amount of work done now so I have something to show for myself which may later be found in someones basement or attic or something and I can get something to be remembered for - either the Requiem or another of my large scale works which I think is technically better, which you will see on here soon enough


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## prasad94

Hey man, from the gist of this discussion I take that suicide is your outlet? 

I'm not gonna say no or "go find help", if you think it's right, it is right. Who am I to obstruct poetic justice to a man who thinks he deserves it? But I will tell you this, if your music is beautiful, I will listen to it. No matter what. So many under-appreciated musicians out there, and even if death, if your musical is as beautiful as I think it might be, I will appreciate it.

I say that because, well, I deal with depression too. Sometimes it feels like the only way out is the noose or jumping off a bridge. I may get to that one day, but not now. I find that music saves my soul. Writing and performing are what keeps me going. I perform jazz, blues and funk but write a lot of classical. May you find piece in the music, my friend.


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## JamieHoldham

prasad94 said:


> Hey man, from the gist of this discussion I take that suicide is your outlet?
> 
> I'm not gonna say no or "go find help", if you think it's right, it is right. Who am I to obstruct poetic justice to a man who thinks he deserves it? But I will tell you this, if your music is beautiful, I will listen to it. No matter what. So many under-appreciated musicians out there, and even if death, if your musical is as beautiful as I think it might be, I will appreciate it.
> 
> I say that because, well, I deal with depression too. Sometimes it feels like the only way out is the noose or jumping off a bridge. I may get to that one day, but not now. I find that music saves my soul. Writing and performing are what keeps me going. I perform jazz, blues and funk but write a lot of classical. May you find piece in the music, my friend.


It is a potential option no doubt,I have had it in my mind for several years since my terrible time at school which I am past now, one inspiring thing that sorts of helps me is reading up on Beethoven's Testament in which he was going to commit suicide himself because of his deafness (where I might want to die, it's because of a potential outcome in the future which is yet to come) but he managed to not do to it and he made some of his greatest works afterwards. That's why I am trying to just hope that I will get at least the good fortune of being able to pursue my career and not be forced into a menial job I don't care about, or become homeless.

Like you it might happen eventually, but not right now, I am trying to be patient and trying hard to get the career I want. Thanks for the sympathy


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## Pugg

How's the work progressing?


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## JamieHoldham

Pugg said:


> How's the work progressing?


I assume you saw my perfectionism thread, relating to that I had a solid 4-6 pages done and got as far as et lux perpetua in the text of the 1st movement, Introit. But of course I felt like it wasn't good enough and I had to do it all again :/ I have mostly been working on my symphony at the moment but I will get back to the Requiem shortly and think of a different approach next time.


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## zhopin

JamieHoldham said:


> I assume you saw my perfectionism thread, relating to that I had a solid 4-6 pages done and got as far as et lux perpetua in the text of the 1st movement, Introit. But of course I felt like it wasn't good enough and I had to do it all again :/ I have mostly been working on my symphony at the moment but I will get back to the Requiem shortly and think of a different approach next time.


Best of luck with your projects.


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## JamieHoldham

zhopin said:


> Best of luck with your projects.


Thank you, it is going to take time going through sketch after sketch but eventually that effort should be worth it and improve my compositions overall.


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## JamieHoldham

Good news, PC is being delivered tommorow so I should hopefully be able to upload image of my handwritten scores again


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## Xenakiboy

I'm still fascinating from when you first showed some sketches here. You appear very ambitious like myself, I hope I can get to hear some of these massive projects you're creating at some point! 

Ps. There is still room for your variation in the theme+variations project if you're able to make the final touches? :cheers:


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## Pugg

JamieHoldham said:


> Good news, PC is being delivered tommorow so I should hopefully be able to upload image of my handwritten scores again


Can't wait, does it include the text?


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## JamieHoldham

Pugg said:


> Can't wait, does it include the text?


I will upload my previous sketches with the text, although I will be starting again very soon.


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## JamieHoldham

Xenakiboy said:


> I'm still fascinating from when you first showed some sketches here. You appear very ambitious like myself, I hope I can get to hear some of these massive projects you're creating at some point!
> 
> Ps. There is still room for your variation in the theme+variations project if you're able to make the final touches? :cheers:


Ah yes the variation, I will have another shot at it as soon as I can. As for the more works my brother is visiting me for a week so work will be slowed this week definitely so I can spend some time with him.


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