# Could you help me improve my writing?



## Sven Bjorg (Sep 29, 2014)

I believe that the quality of writing on this forum is high, so I wonder if you could put your proficiency in English to good use by helping me improve my school essay. I would like you to pay particular attention to the tenses I have used, as I have been trying to improve them. Thanks 

_Alicia, sitting staidly atop a boat, peruses poetry of beauty, form and aesthetics to her mother, Stealia, who being thrice her age, would have listened to her ponderings, had she not been vexed by the facets of her own lissom body she could see as reflections in the brass coils of her umbrella under which she lay. The boat had been adrift in the open water for what seemed an eternity until it began encroaching on the shadow of a weeping willow tree, whose panoply of leaves and branches when discerned from the eyes of Stealia, entangled with the accumulating clouds above. A truly wonderful wedlock between nature's fecundity and Alicia's lucidity would have come into being if she had freed herself from her mother's pied poetry, and frolicked amid the canvas of art all around. As the boat encroached towards a shallow ridge of rocks, her awareness of this had been nullified by Stealia, who pondered the facets of her beauty.

Clandestinely, she commanded Alicia to lament her favourite poem, only, on looking up, she was gone, and the view in which her lithe body could be seen had been replaced with one in which a few scraggly branches from the willow tree above were knotted amid bracken, heather and other such visual froth. In an attempt to see where Alicia had gone, she flung herself forward such that she mirrored the former staid posture of her daughter. The passage of time through which this occurred, as it were, was almost fettered to a point of inertia, and the forthcoming image she will now see of her daughter ought to have admonished the antecedent almost so as to be the source of nightmares for every pious mother.

On looking down at the water, she is able to distinguish her daughter through the frothing and bubbling water beyond which her anguished face and writhing body are descending into the black abyss below, and at which point, the shroud shrouding her stoic temperament is lifted and her malign narcissism revealed. As when the water calms, her own reflection becomes visible, saturating her daughter's; to which her terror quickly evaporates into wonderment at the sight of her divine beauty. She raises her hand to her face and touches her cheek, and on doing so, awakens from her nightmare._


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## Sven Bjorg (Sep 29, 2014)

Hello. Please do try and help me improve my school essay! Having read through what I have written, I believe that some of the words I have used are 'placeholders' so to speak, and could be replaced with more effective ones. Thank you 

Elysnai, sitting staidly atop a boat, lamented poetry of beauty, form and aesthetics to her mother, Stealia, who being thrice her age, would have listened to her ponderings, had she not been vexed by the facets of her own lissom body she could see as reflections in the brass coils of her umbrella under which she lay. The boat had been adrift in the open water for what seemed an eternity until it began encroaching on the shadow of a weeping willow tree, whose panoply of leaves and branches when discerned from the eyes of Stealia, entangled with the accumulating clouds above. A truly wonderful wedlock between nature's fecundity and Elysnai's lucidity would have come into being if she had freed herself from her mother's pied poetry, and frolicked amid the canvas of art all around. As the boat encroached towards a shallow ridge of rocks, her awareness of this had been stymied by Stealia, who pondered the facets of her beauty.

Clandestinely, she commanded Elysnai to lament her favourite poem, only, on looking up, she was gone, and the view in which her lithe body could be seen had been replaced with one in which a few scraggly branches from the willow tree were knotted amid bracken, heather and other such visual froth. In an attempt to see where Elysnai had gone, she flung herself forward such that she mirrored the former staid posture of her daughter. The passage of time through which this occurred, as it were, was almost fettered to a point of inertia, and the forthcoming image she will now see of her daughter ought to have admonished the antecedent almost so as to be the source of nightmares for every pious mother.

On looking down at the lake, she is able to distinguish her daughter through the frothing and bubbling water beyond which her anguished face and writhing body are descending into the black abyss below, and at which point, the shroud shrouding Stealia's stoic temperament is lifted and her malign narcissism revealed. As when the water calms, her own reflection becomes visible, saturating her daughter's; to which her terror quickly evaporates into wonderment at the sight of her divine beauty. She raises her hand to her face and touches her cheek, and on doing so, awakens from her nightmare.


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## Cheyenne (Aug 6, 2012)

Sven Bjorg said:


> Hello. Please do try and help me improve my school essay! Having read through what I have written, I believe that some of the words I have used are 'placeholders' so to speak, and could be replaced with more effective ones. Thank you


Why sure, but it may help to know a little more about it. What is it for? 
Incidentally, English is not my first language -- i.e., beware of trusting my advice 



Sven Bjorg said:


> Elysnai, sitting staidly atop a boat, lamented poetry of beauty, form and aesthetics


What is poetry of form, and what is poetry of aesthetics?



Sven Bjorg said:


> Elysnai, sitting staidly atop a boat, lamented poetry of beauty, form and aesthetics to her mother,


You can't lament something _to_ someone -- did she read them _to_ her mother, did she expound them _to_ her mother, did she _share _her laments _with_ her mother?



Sven Bjorg said:


> Stealia, who being thrice her age, would have listened to her ponderings,


Why would Stealia listen to Elysnai's ponderings _because_ she is thrice her age? That doesn't follow. "Stealia, who was thrice Elysnai's age, would have listened ..."



Sven Bjorg said:


> had she not been vexed by the facets of her own lissom*[e]* body*,* *[which]* she could see as reflections in the brass coils of *[the]* umbrella under which she lay.


The phrase "facets of ... [a] body" is odd to me too. Substitute a synonym for facets, perhaps?



Sven Bjorg said:


> The boat had been adrift in the open water for what seemed an eternity until it began encroaching on the shadow of a weeping willow tree, whose panoply of leaves and branches when discerned from the eyes of Stealia, entangled with the accumulating clouds above.


Your sentences are very long, which will make them confusing unless you are very careful with your punctuation and pronouns. I would put "when discerned from the eyes of Stealia" at the end of the sentence, or omit it altogether.



Sven Bjorg said:


> A truly wonderful wedlock between nature's fecundity and Elysnai's lucidity would have come into being


A wedlock "coming into being" is somewhat awkwardly phrased, especially for a metaphor.



Sven Bjorg said:


> if she had freed herself from her mother's pied poetry, and frolicked amid the canvas of art all around.


The canvas of art "all around" what or who? Around her?



Sven Bjorg said:


> As the boat encroached towards a shallow ridge of rocks, her awareness of this had been stymied by Stealia, who pondered the facets of her *[whose -- her own or Elysnai's?]* beauty.





Sven Bjorg said:


> Clandestinely, she commanded Elysnai to lament her favourite poem,


Commanding someone to lament something is rather unusual -- is there another word you could use?



Sven Bjorg said:


> _or only_, on looking up, she was gone,


This little phrase doesn't really make sense to me. "But, on looking up"? Incidentally, you'll notice the pronouns get a little confused when you phrase it differently: "But when she looked up, she had vanished" -- which character is looking up, and which had disappeared?



Sven Bjorg said:


> In an attempt to see where Elysnai had gone, she flung herself forward such that she mirrored the former staid posture of her daughter.


"Her daughter" -- I only just now realized Stealia is Elysnai's mother.



Sven Bjorg said:


> The passage of time through which this occurred,


*During* or *in* which it occurred.



Sven Bjorg said:


> as it were, was almost fettered to a point of inertia,


"As it were" doesn't belong at the start of a comparison -- you could put it after "inertia,".



Sven Bjorg said:


> and the forthcoming image she will now see


This uses a very strange tense, given most of the story was told through a past tense. "the forthcoming image which she then saw"?



Sven Bjorg said:


> of her daughter ought to have admonished the antecedent almost so as to be the source of nightmares for every pious mother.


I don't understand what you mean by "admonished the antecedent", but that may be my own ignorance -- nor do I understand how that would be the "source of nightmares for every pious mother."



Sven Bjorg said:


> On looking down at the lake, she is able to distinguish her daughter through the frothing and bubbling water beyond which her anguished face and writhing body are descending into the black abyss below,


Again the pronouns are a little vague.



Sven Bjorg said:


> and at which point, the shroud shrouding Stealia's stoic temperament is lifted and her malign narcissism revealed.


The first "and" is redundant, and the "shroud shrouding" is a little ugly -- besides, the veil isn't shrouding her "stoic temperament" but her "malign narcissism." Perhaps the "veil" which was "hiding" her "malign narcissism" was "lifted", e.g. "at which point, the veil of stoicism, which had hidden Stealia's true nature, was lifted, revealing her malign narcissism."



Sven Bjorg said:


> As when the water calms, her own reflection becomes visible, saturating her daughter's;


Why a present tense again?



Sven Bjorg said:


> to which her terror quickly evaporates into wonderment at the sight of her divine beauty.


Something cannot evaporate _to_ something, only _due to_ something.

In general, be very careful while constructing longer sentences filled with imagery. Be sure to build them up step by step!


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## GreenMamba (Oct 14, 2012)

General comments: 

Your sentences are too long. That first sentence in particular can be broken up.

Second, try to write more naturally. I suspect this has less to do with your command of English than with your being young. Try not to force so many $5 words into it. E.g., why use "clandestinely" rather than "secretly"? In fact, I think you use way too many adjectives and adverbs in general. 

"A truly wonderful wedlock between nature’s fecundity and Elysnai's lucidity..." I'm sorry, but that's just *so* teenager.


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## Musicforawhile (Oct 10, 2014)

In the first sentence, why is Stealia 'vexed' by her 'lissom' body? To be 'vexed' is to be annoyed, and a 'lissom' body implies suppleness, slenderness and youth. So I don't understand the connection between these two words. It would be better to use a word like 'distracted' instead of 'vexed,' or maybe she is 'vexed' by the fact that she is getting older and her once 'lissom' body is withering away slowly?


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## Sven Bjorg (Sep 29, 2014)

Cheyenne said:


> In general, be very careful while constructing longer sentences filled with imagery. Be sure to build them up step by step!


My intention was to start in the perfect tense, then somehow finish in the present tense, as I was told that this tense is best for creating suspense. Although 'to which her terror quickly evaporates into wonderment at the sight of her divine beauty' is not technically correct, I still like it, so I won't change it. Thanks for noting the technical errors though because I am trying to improve my writing.


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## Sven Bjorg (Sep 29, 2014)

In the meantime, I have finished the start of the story, and it is likely to contain errors, so if you do have chance to spot them, this would definitely help!

In the mythical kingdom of Maldur, there were two beautiful sisters, Stealia and Elysnai. When they were young, they were read philosophy of beauty, form and aesthetics by their father, King Maximus. While Elysnai was disinterested in her father's pedagogy, it enthralled Stealia, turning her into a malign narcissist obsessed with her vanity and beauty. As both sisters aged, they grew apart in temperament. Elysnai was staid, demure and naïve, while Stealia was aloof, vain and would try to better her sister whenever the chance arose.

On her eighteenth birthday, Elysnai meets a handsome knight, Loxley, and it is love at first sight. Stealia, who is deeply jealous of her sister, believes that she is more beautiful than her, and as a result of her own beauty, is capable of ensnaring him, so that he falls in love with her instead. She has dreams of a knight as handsome and charming as Loxley to steal her heart, and she quickly develops a visceral hatred towards Elysnai's relationship with him. Her many failed attempts to convince Elysnai of his supposed Machiavellianism angers her to such an extent that she casts aside any ounce of moral jurisdiction she has and plots to kill him.

One day, she lies to Elysnai by telling her that Loxley had been planning to meet her at the willow tree by the lake all morning, as he has wonderful news to tell her, and that she should go and meet him post haste. Although Elysnai, having now been lied to by Stealia, is so enticed by the prospect of seeing Loxley's robust stature, his angelic face, and his unkempt blonde locks for which he acquired the name 'Loxley', that she does not think twice to question the legitimacy of his preposition, as they were conveyed by Stealia in such a platonic manner devoid of any facets of jealously or disbelief that might otherwise have raised her suspicion.

On his arrival to Maldur, he asks Stealia Elysnai's whereabouts, and tells her that he has a gift for Elysnai. She tells him that Elysnai had gone hunting with her father, though he is disconcerted by this, as he remembers Elysnai telling him that she detests her father's hunting, and that it was the crux of many of her arguments with him. Stealia asks him the nature of the gift and demands to see it, promising him that she will not tell Elysnai when she returns from her hunting; to which Loxley aspirates a vow of condemnation in which he tells her only Elysnai is going to see it, as it is a gift only two lovers can share, and that he would prefer Stealia's company if she would cease her interrogating.

She is confounded by his tact, as he had never been able to project such forthright laconicism until now, as he had always been amicable insofar that he could easily be manipulated. It appears that the love he has for Elysnai is eliciting his innate masculine furore as Stealia's impinging intensifies. He asks her to cease her prattling so that he may write a note to Elysnai in which he will tell her that he had hastily come to see her today, as he has something precious to give to her; something unlike anything she has seen before. On penning his letter, a silence falls between them, though Stealia's mind hurtles towards an absolution as a rebuke to his candour.

She takes one of her father's glass decanters from a nearby table and holds it behind her back, and walks slowly towards him with a look of reprisal on her face. He feels her nearing presence, though as he is penning his letter, he has his back turned away from her, so is unable to see his looming demise. She stands right behind him, takes the decanter and forcibly thrusts it into the side of his neck, and on doing so, breathes a sigh of admiration, as if she were undergoing a catharsis, while he jolts, drops his pen, and sways to and fro as his blood pours onto his letter and slowly smothers his words of love for her.

After falling around the room like a drunken dolt, he falls to the ground and she sees this as a fall of his defeat, as if he is a vehement behemoth and she a heroic warrior, and kneels besides him as he thrice aspirates: 'Elysnai.' She brings her face to his, and whispers in his ear three words: 'I love you.' As he is lying squirming on the floor like a dying insect crushed under her foot, she gazes warmly into his eyes, and snuffs his suffering by first kissing him on his quivering lips, then smothers him with Elysnai's favourite pillow. With Loxley lying dead on the floor, she goes into his pocket and retrieves the gift he had bought for Elysnai. She takes out a small snuff box within which a golden necklace sparkles like the stars as she gazes at it in wonderment.

Elysnai, having been tricked by Stealia, returns home to find Stealia sitting complacently humming a song, while dangling the golden necklace through her fingers. She tells her that she had waited five hours for Loxley, but he did not come, and tells her that she was unable to wait any longer, as she feared walking home alone at night. As Stealia opens her arms and embraces Elysnai, she begins indoctrinating her with doubtful thoughts, and poses the question that perhaps he did not love her to begin with. She tells her that she had been hearing rumours in which Loxley loved a woman in another Kingdom, and that he was only briefly passing through this kingdom as means to reach the next. Elysnai, though vulnerable, insists that he loved her indefinitely, and worries that he may have fallen ill, or could be in danger, which is why he did not meet her, and in which case she must do everything in her power to find him.

Days pass into weeks, months and years in which Elysnai mourns the return of Loxley, and a melancholy infects her mind. One day, a shadowy figure approaches her as she rests under the willow tree where she and Loxley used to share romance. It speaks slowly, enunciating its words carefully, and asks her why she is upset, and she tells it to leave so that she may be left alone. The figure is very wise, and tells her that her misery comes from the death of a loved one, to which the melancholy consuming her mind clears. She is stupefied by the figure as it gives her a golden necklace. It instructs her to look into it and to wish for the return of her loved one, so she looks at the necklace, closes her eyes, and wishes for the return of Loxley. 
After opening her eyes, the shadowy figure is nowhere to be seen, and a cold wind blows around her body. The sky darkens as clouds accumulate. A faint whisper is heard by her, one which is at first unclear, but as it becomes louder and clearer, she soon recognises it as the voice of Loxley, and becomes fully assertive by shouting his name into the dense bracken beyond which a thick fog lingers in the woodland. She is enticed by his voice, and follows it in hope of finding him. She runs through the woodland and the voices accentuate when she reaches the sundering, the entrance to a gaping chasm; the point at which the kingdom of Maldur meets the underworld of Tartarus. The prospect of meeting Loxley overwhelms her judgement, and on entering a foreboding cave, she slips and falls down a dark cavern screaming the name 'Loxley'.


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## Sven Bjorg (Sep 29, 2014)

Musicforawhile said:


> In the first sentence, why is Stealia 'vexed' by her 'lissom' body? To be 'vexed' is to be annoyed, and a 'lissom' body implies suppleness, slenderness and youth. So I don't understand the connection between these two words. It would be better to use a word like 'distracted' instead of 'vexed,' or maybe she is 'vexed' by the fact that she is getting older and her once 'lissom' body is withering away slowly?


She is vexed by her lissom body because it is not good enough for her. Sometimes she likes it, other times she hates it, and she can never find a balance between both.


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## Figleaf (Jun 10, 2014)

Disinterested: sounds like you mean 'uninterested'.
Jurisdiction: did you mean 'judgement' or 'integrity' or something like that? You use 'judgement' correctly at the end, so I'm not sure if you are using 'jurisdiction' as an elegant variation while actually meaning 'scruples' or something along those lines.
Enunciating its words: 'its words' is redundant.
Becomes fully assertive: who or what does this refer to? Are you sure you mean 'assertive'?
Accentuate: I'm not sure that's the word you wanted, and I can't tell what you mean by it.
Sundering: you seem to treat this as a noun? Again, I'm not sure what you mean. 

There are a few sentences which need to be rewritten for clarity, but nobody could do this for you based on the text alone, as the meaning is too impenetrable and there would be a risk of misrepresenting what you originally intended to say. An example is: 'It appears that the love he has for Elysnai is eliciting his innate masculine furore as Stealia’s impinging intensifies.' I'm not sure that 'furore' or 'impinging' are the right words but I don't really understand the meaning well enough to suggest alternatives.

Overall: I would aim for a simpler style for the moment. There's nothing wrong with elevated diction, but you need to be very sure that the word you've chosen means what you think it does and is appropriate for the context. Unidiomatic English is unfortunately an occupational hazard for anyone who has little opportunity to practice speaking the language outside of the classroom, but you could improve your feel for the language by reading more, as I'm sure you have been doing. It's an interesting story and an impressive achievement for one still learning the language. Good luck!


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## Sven Bjorg (Sep 29, 2014)

Figleaf said:


> Disinterested: sounds like you mean 'uninterested'.
> Jurisdiction: did you mean 'judgement' or 'integrity' or something like that? You use 'judgement' correctly at the end, so I'm not sure if you are using 'jurisdiction' as an elegant variation while actually meaning 'scruples' or something along those lines.
> Enunciating its words: 'its words' is redundant.
> Becomes fully assertive: who or what does this refer to? Are you sure you mean 'assertive'?
> ...


Thank you for replying. The purpose of my posting here is to get help. Having reread what both I and you have written, I agree with some of your analysis, particularly, my using too many words! < Does THAT even make sense! I have only just been acquainted with all of the English tenses, so if you could rewrite some of my sentences which you think do need rewriting for some reason, then this would improve my understanding further. With respect to" It appears that the love he has for Elysnai is eliciting his innate masculine furore as Stealia's impinging intensifies," I chose to use furore because it sounds like the roar of a tiger, and I could not find another word similar to 'roar' at the time. I thought it complimented 'masculine forore' quite well, even if the meaning of the word itself is not quite right.


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## Musicforawhile (Oct 10, 2014)

Sven Bjorg said:


> She is vexed by her lissom body because it is not good enough for her. Sometimes she likes it, other times she hates it, and she can never find a balance between both.


I see what you mean, but in my opinion it would be better to give a reason for her vexation as it isn't entirely clear. But of course, it's up to you.


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## GreenMamba (Oct 14, 2012)

Figleaf said:


> Disinterested: sounds like you mean 'uninterested'.


This is the first thing I noticed as well. Admittedly, he's hardly alone in this error.

Again, I'll suggest that your writing is not very natural. It sounds like you're looking up words in a thesaurus and dropping them in. "He had never been able to project such forthright laconicism until now, as he had always been amicable insofar that he could easily be manipulated." It sounds like you're using words you aren't quite comfortable with.

This is a very stylized story, a bit like a fable. Is that the point? If it were a creative fiction class, they'd tell you to zoom in on the story a little more. Show us, don't tell us. For example, dialogue between characters can reveal the man as laconic. You don't have to tell us he is.


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## Sven Bjorg (Sep 29, 2014)

Musicforawhile said:


> I see what you mean, but in my opinion it would be better to give a reason for her vexation as it isn't entirely clear. But of course, it's up to you.


I had been pondering whether I should expound upon that too, but then the story becomes too long, and this is supposed to be a brief synopsis of a movie script I am writing for class. I struggle finding words which are able to define exactly what I mean, as in my story, I used 'laconicism' when actually it does not fit at all there. Many of the words are place holders and can be substituted for better fitting ones, and I thought that, given that there are many people with acute English proficiency who use this forum, there is chance that some might reply. Indeed some have replied to my posts, but their posts echo a tiny voice in my head I had beforehand which told me that what I had written can be improved, but I was just wanted to seek validation of this fact, as I have now had.

Sometimes I use words I think 'look good', or sound good when spoken. I deliberately used 'shroud shrouding' because it reminds me of a cumulative aggregate which is found in logic, perhaps a number series, or equation. It looks awkward but I like it.


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## GreenMamba (Oct 14, 2012)

Another piece of advice (possibly more advanced): try to maintain symmetry.

_While Elysnai was uninterested in her father's pedagogy, it enthralled Stealia, _

Better is "...pedagogy, *Stealia was enthralled by it.*" Since the first half of the sentence is _Elysnai was..._, the second half needs to be the same. Either pedagogyis the subject both times, or neither.

_ Elysnai was staid, demure and naïve, while Stealia was aloof, vain and would try to better her sister whenever the chance arose. _

Again, you need symmetry. "One is X, Y and Z, the other was A, B and C." The problem is, your C is a long phrase, unlike the others. Instead try: "Elysnai was staid, demure and naïve, while Stealia was *aloof and vain, and would try to *better her sister whenever the chance arose." So it becomes "One is X, Y and Z, the other is A and B, and also..." (does that make sense?).

While I don't want to feel like I'm piling on with the criticism _a malign narcissist obsessed with her vanity and beauty_ could be shortened to just one word: *narcissist*. This is already a negative word, so I don't think "malign" is needed. The rest of the sentence is basically the definition of narcissist, and therefore redundant.


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## Figleaf (Jun 10, 2014)

Sven Bjorg said:


> Thank you for replying. The purpose of my posting here is to get help. Having reread what both I and you have written, I agree with some of your analysis, particularly, my using too many words! < Does THAT even make sense! I have only just been acquainted with all of the English tenses, so if you could rewrite some of my sentences which you think do need rewriting for some reason, then this would improve my understanding further. With respect to" It appears that the love he has for Elysnai is eliciting his innate masculine furore as Stealia's impinging intensifies," I chose to use furore because it sounds like the roar of a tiger, and I could not find another word similar to 'roar' at the time. I thought it complimented 'masculine forore' quite well, even if the meaning of the word itself is not quite right.


It's interesting to read your writing about your writing, if you catch my drift. Your use of English in your forum posts sounds easy and natural, much more so than in the story extract. You are also very self aware as a writer, which is an advantage: I like the way you know exactly why you chose 'furore', for example. It wouldn't have occurred to me to arrive at 'furore' by way of 'roar', since the fact that the first is Latin in origin and the second is German would have blinded me to the similarity in sound: that's not a criticism, just an observation. I think I understand better now (after 'roar'/'furore') what you were saying about the hero's state of mind.

'Cumulative aggregate found in logic'?- Blimey, I have no idea what that means, and I don't think it's because of your English! :tiphat: Being expected to know all about formal logic was a nasty surprise in my first term at university, and I can't say I'm much better informed about it now. It certainly doesn't hurt to bring in knowledge from other disciplines, although I think the ear is the most important test of whether a phrase works or not. The last bit of advice won't help you much at this stage, since it takes time to 'get your ear in' in a foreign language!


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## Sven Bjorg (Sep 29, 2014)

GreenMamba said:


> Another piece of advice (possibly more advanced): try to maintain symmetry.
> 
> _While Elysnai was uninterested in her father's pedagogy, it enthralled Stealia, _
> 
> ...


I had actually written 'Stealia was enthralled by it' before I changed it to ' it enthralled Stealia'. I decided to change it because I thought that 'it enthralled Stealia' uses fewer words, which is the main criticism people tell others to do. So are you telling me that I should instead, try to write more symmetrical sentences, even if that means uses more words than is possible? Interesting. This is something I have not been told before. I welcome all criticism, so please do post with more of it.

What is your occupation outside of classical music? Are you a musician? I am a high school student.


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## Musicforawhile (Oct 10, 2014)

I liked the 'shroud shrouding' actually - it's different. And you gave a very interesting explanation. I think you use very beautiful words and I feel your passion for words in your writing  I just wish it was more readable. I think the first piece (I haven't read the second yet) is very evocative and I could quite clearly picture the scene of a mother and daughter on a boat...I was imagining it like a Renoir painting. Something like this:








Or this:









Is Stealia on the river bank or on the boat?

My mind wants to imagine the scene...but then I can't understand the meaning of certain bits...


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## Sven Bjorg (Sep 29, 2014)

Musicforawhile said:


> I liked the 'shroud shrouding' actually - it's different. And you gave a very interesting explanation. I think you use very beautiful words and I feel your passion for words in your writing  I just wish it was more readable. I think the first piece (I haven't read the second yet) is very evocative and I could quite clearly picture the scene of a mother and daughter on a boat...I was imagining it like a Renoir painting. Something like this:
> View attachment 56982
> 
> 
> ...


When I wrote the story, I imagined Stealia actually lying down 'horizontally' inside the boat, as if she were lying down on her bed. The boat rests in the shadow of a willow tree and is therefore, directly beneath its panoply of leaves and branches. Should you see a willow tree, you would notice its large dome of leaves which hang it such a way that the willow appears to be 'crying'; hence the term 'weeping willow'. In my story, such a willow tree is very close to the edge of the lake, so part of its dome hangs directly over the water, and underneath is Stealia's boat. So, from her eyes, she can see the panoply of leaves and branches and they appear to be entangled with the clouds in the sky, producing an image befitting to, for example, any Monet painting, as the image itself is a 'canvas of art.'

Your pictures accurately depict what I had in mind when I wrote the scene, but honestly, if you were to ask me its meaning, this I do not know. I wrote the story as an exercise to explore tenses, words, grammar and such. I see it more as a frothing cauldron of ideas, a bowl of cake ingredients, rather than an actual cake. I had intended to mention that Elysia held a "Victorian sun parasol" in her left hand, but I absolutely deplore those three words. I had been searching the internet for a nice archaic word when I found that Dickens used the word 'Gamp' to allude to them, but on reading it aloud in my sentence, it sounded rather flat and did not compliment the image of Stealia I tried to portray at all.

My inspiration for this story came from listening to Bach's music. I imagined a resplendent and organic image where his music would fit; an image which was 'laconic.' By 'laconic' I mean that it must be incredibly concise and free from extraneous details. Each part of the image equally comes together to produce a coherent and archaic representation of learning itself. I, for some reason or other, believe that people who deem themselves as 'educated' or 'intellectual' aspire to be Stealia sitting inside the boat, so I think it represents our inner desire to be both beautiful and educated as she is. There is an underlying profound philosophical truth behind the story such that it is an allegory for our fundamental needs and desires.

I hope people recognise the slightly more candid reference to Narcissus through Stealia, who gazes at her reflection in the water. This is open to much interpretation, as she is completely oblivious to her daughter's drowning, and seems detached from the unfolding situation. She is too concerned with her beauty, as all human beings are, so I guess this is another philosophical quirk.

Having written a pile of nonsense here, in all honesty, I do not know what compelled me to write it!

I do love 'Sun Parasols' though!


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## GreenMamba (Oct 14, 2012)

Sven Bjorg said:


> I had actually written 'Stealia was enthralled by it' before I changed it to ' it enthralled Stealia'. I decided to change it because I thought that 'it enthralled Stealia' uses fewer words, which is the main criticism people tell others to do. So are you telling me that I should instead, try to write more symmetrical sentences, even if that means uses more words than is possible? Interesting. This is something I have not been told before. I welcome all criticism, so please do post with more of it.
> 
> What is your occupation outside of classical music? Are you a musician? I am a high school student.


How about "While her father's pedagogy bored Elysnai, it enthralled Stealia"? That is the briefest of all, and avoids what we call the passive voice. Still, it's not the end of the world to use a few extra words. It is considered poor writing, however, to switch subjects in mid-sentence (to have pedagogy go from being the object in the first phrase, to the subject in the second).

I am not a musician or teacher. I write business reports for a living. Not very artistic, but it does require one to be very concise and precise with words.


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## Varick (Apr 30, 2014)

Ask Woodduck, he talks good.

V


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## Chordalrock (Jan 21, 2014)

Use online random-paragraph generators. Tell everyone you're the new James Joyce. Profit.


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## Chordalrock (Jan 21, 2014)

GreenMamba said:


> While I don't want to feel like I'm piling on with the criticism _a malign narcissist obsessed with her vanity and beauty_ could be shortened to just one word: *narcissist*. This is already a negative word, so I don't think "malign" is needed. The rest of the sentence is basically the definition of narcissist, and therefore redundant.


Did you try reading that in context? It's bad. But no, the important thing is:

Avoid the most obvious of dead metaphors, especially in a story like this written in this sort of style. For example, melancholy "infecting" a mind is a dead metaphor. You should say "becomes deeply melancholy."

In general, if your writing is good, it's good because what you write is interesting and flows well. You can't make it good by making it sound more sophisticated than it is. You can make it worse via that method, however.


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## Sven Bjorg (Sep 29, 2014)

I had been lying atop my bed pondering the many facets of my intelligence until I began drifting to sleep; only on my drifting to sleep, my pupils dilated, blurring everything I saw and, at which point, I concluded my blurred vision to be an analogy for intelligence. As my focusing on a particular something, and my 'unfocusing' on this created two definite limits, namely, focused and unfocused, and within which an incremental range of different focuses exist. Each one is different, so as to be either more focused, or less focused, and I believe that these differing increments are able to describe differing intelligence. Of those increments which are more focused, they enable my seeing of stimuli as crystalline, and this focused state represents an intelligence which too is crystalline, and people who have this intelligence are able to see stimuli more clearly, which in real terms, means that they are able to perceive that which others cannot, namely, an ingenious solution to a difficult equation, or a creative dimension to their painting. This analogy, I believe, is able to describe intelligence with a degree of tact conducive to our understanding.


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## Musicforawhile (Oct 10, 2014)

Chordalrock said:


> For example, melancholy "infecting" a mind is a dead metaphor.


Is it? Where have you heard it before?


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## Chordalrock (Jan 21, 2014)

Musicforawhile said:


> Is it? Where have you heard it before?


I checked, and it's in the dictionary. That's pretty dead for a metaphor.

I'd also avoid poetic language in general outside poetry but that's going against tradition and many people's tastes.

And since we're all so interested in writing, I'm not sure if it was mentioned, but I'd try to avoid ambiguous or mixed POVs within a single paragraph. Even with an omniscient narrator, I think the text flows better if you mostly write as if from a character's POV. I'd try to not change POV needlessly within a paragraph.


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## Ukko (Jun 4, 2010)

Damn; that is the worst 'attempt at communication' from a vocabulary-rich writer that I have ever read. If you meant it as satire, I must tell you that it goes on too long. The sentence constructions are bad enough, but the plethora of modifiers take it way over the top.

[comments addressed to the OP]


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## Figleaf (Jun 10, 2014)

Ukko said:


> Damn; that is the worst 'attempt at communication' from a vocabulary-rich writer that I have ever read. If you meant it as satire, I must tell you that it goes on too long. The sentence constructions are bad enough, but the plethora of modifiers take it way over the top.
> 
> [comments addressed to the OP]


Ukko: Sven is not a native English speaker. How's your Swedish?  (Or, whichever Scandinavian language is his first. Like most Brits, I wouldn't know the difference.)


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## Ukko (Jun 4, 2010)

Figleaf said:


> Ukko: Sven is not a native English speaker. How's your Swedish?  (Or, whichever Scandinavian language is his first. Like most Brits, I wouldn't know the difference.)


That datum is completely irrelevant. I am _sure_ that writing professionals in his native language do not countenance such activity. If it is a school project, its only plus is breadth of vocabulary, and some of that is misused. I used to write for a living; perhaps that colors my reaction. If my opinion has caused the author upset, I do not apologize. Reading that text has upset _me_.


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## Musicforawhile (Oct 10, 2014)

There is something about using a name like 'Stealia' and 'Loxley' that does make it seem like Merchant Ivory satire. But the vocab use was impressive.

Some other pointers:
Don't repeat an unusual/ poetic word - I think I've read 'staid' 3 times so far in your writing. I would say even twice is bordering on too much for an unusual word like that. Also you used 'encroaching' twice in one paragraph. 

You used 'platonic' somewhere, but this word is used between two people who could potentially be more than friends e.g. they are heterosexuals of the opposite sex, but for some reason they aren't attracted to each other romantically. I suppose you are going by the definition that platonic love is non-sexual. But I have never heard it used about people who would never ever be romantically involved such as family members.


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