# Advice on difficult balancing act



## whispering (Oct 26, 2013)

Hello

I might be asking the impossible here but as the saying goes if you do not ask you do not get.

My mother died 2/2/2021 after I cared for her for over six years with her Dementia illness. The last year has been tough, dealing with grief, sorting out legal affairs under COVID restrictions, trying to restart a new life largely on my own, whilst preserving precious memories of mum. Until last autumn I was not really living just existing. My love of classical music went out of the proverbial window whilst caring for mum, just no time and exhausted most of the time. Slowly it has come back to me and other members of this forum have generously responded to a few threads I have raised, seeking help and advice on classical music.

On 2/2/2022 I will attend the garden of remembrance and ensure the entry in the remembrance book is correct. It will be a sober day, weather prediction is grey skies and possible rain. I will be there on my own. When I get home afterwards I was thinking of trying to lift my spirits by playing some music. Mum never appreciated classical music jokingly saying “I see your playing that rubbish again, why not get some real music”. Oh mum you were a bit of a cad. She was a great fan of Jim Reeves but her illness took that interest away from her like so much else. I am racking my brains trying to think of something appropriate. Reflective but not to dark. Uplifting but fitting for such a day. Whatever gets played most likely will stick with that date every year, as part of an annual reflection on my mum’s life and our close relationship. With grief I have learnt you never really get over it, you just learn to live with it a little better as time passes. The first anniversary of her death is going to be tough.

Any thoughts or suggestions are welcome. With YouTube or Spotify I should be able to track down any suggestions. I thought about the string quartet by Mendelssohn following the death of his sister, but it is perhaps to bleak? In turn Beethoven’s symphony number 3 seems to uplifting. Not an easy thing to consider when there was no shared musical taste with the deceased. I have no friends with an interest in classical music to ask so I thought just throw it to the breeze and see what comes back.

I know not a great subject matter but has any other member of this forum been in this situation. Or am just making to big a deal out of the situation. I just know next Wednesday afternoon and evening are going to be difficult to get through. Any way thank you for reading this far.


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## Chilham (Jun 18, 2020)

I have no suggestion other than play what brings you pleasure, and play it loud.

My condolences, and strength to you as you turn a new page.


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## Art Rock (Nov 28, 2009)

My condolences as well. Indeed, it never goes away completely, it just fades slowly with time (I was 34 when I lost my mother (64) to cancer; my father reached a respectable 85 but his final years were not great due to Parkinson). What my brother and I did at the time was celebrate my mother's life. We made photo albums focusing on her happy times, and we decided not to pay too much attention to the date she died (and later the date our father died), but instead visit the graves on their birthdays.

Suitable music for the remembrance day you describe? How about Bach's cello suites?


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## Bulldog (Nov 21, 2013)

I think Schumann's Kinderszenen (solo piano work) would fit the bill. The music's beautiful, nostalgic, and both sad and uplifting. Could help make a great memory.


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## Captainnumber36 (Jan 19, 2017)

Art Rock said:


> My condolences as well. Indeed, it never goes away completely, it just fades slowly with time (I was 34 when I lost my mother (64) to cancer; my father reached a respectable 85 but his final years were not great due to Parkinson). What my brother and I did at the time was celebrate my mother's life. We made photo albums focusing on her happy times, and we decided not to pay too much attention to the date she died (and later the date our father died), but instead visit the graves on their birthdays.
> 
> Suitable music for the remembrance day you describe? How about Bach's cello suites?


I love your approach to dealing with the loss of your parents! That's what I have always advocated for in dealing with death of loved ones.

Edit: My condolences to the OP as well.


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## FrankinUsa (Aug 3, 2021)

My condolences to the “whispering.” What a beautiful idea 
The first work that came to mind was;Gustav Mahler,Symphony 2 “The Resurrection.” It is a huge piece. It would be important to read/know the lyrics. The finale is overwhelming. 
I would be curious as to what you chose. This past December 2 was 4 years since I lost my mother. The entire day has become a memorial.


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## NoCoPilot (Nov 9, 2020)

Losing a parent is the second-hardest thing that can happen to you, next to losing a child.

It takes more than a year to grieve, and to some large degree you never get over it. A piece of you is lost forever.

Which music you play, if indeed you play any, is not important. What's important is to get back into the stream of life, participate in activities you enjoy, and cherish every minute you're above ground.


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## Animal the Drummer (Nov 14, 2015)

The posts above show this place at its finest and I cannot add to the excellent general advice contained in them.

In musical terms. my overall suggestion would be a Haydn programme. His music holds depth, stature and essential good humour in the kind of balance which would seem to me particularly suitable for the circumstances you describe. If you'd like nominations for specific works, the Trumpet Concerto in E flat major and symphonies 87 and/or 97 would be on my playlist.

All the very best to you and please keep us posted.


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## Eva Yojimbo (Jan 30, 2016)

My condolences for your loss. 

My first thought upon hearing your request was Beethoven's Heiliger Dankgesang from his Op. 132 String Quartet (#15). It's an intensely moving piece, but one that I feel is more meditative, transcendent, and spiritual rather than sad. Beethoven wrote it when he, himself, was recovering from an illness, so it contains both the reflection that comes when one contemplates their mortality, but, as the title says, it's also a "song of Thanksgiving," which in this context could be thought of as a thanksgiving for the life she lead, and the life you continue to lead in her wake.


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## Coach G (Apr 22, 2020)

Find the composer or the work that you have turned to the most when you were desperate to find beauty in this weary world. For me that would be Bach, Beethoven, or Mozart; but especially Mozart. As a youth I enjoyed Beethoven for the idealism and the heroism. In my 40s I gravitated to Bach as I become more religious and interested in life's big existential questions. Now in my 50s I've come around to Mozart who I enjoy just for the master craftsmanship, the clarity of mind, the balance, the peace, and the seamless quality.

I lost my Mom when I was age 34 and she was 56. She also never liked classical music. Even so, she actively supported my interest in classical music and she once gifted me with a copy of Harold Schoenberg's wonderful _Lives of the Great Composers_ while I was a teenager one Christmas back in the 1980s. In a time before the internet, _Lives of the Great Composers_ was pretty much my classical music Bible where I drew ideas to follow different composers at different times; and that original copy that Mom gave me in the 1980s is now worn out, and taped up after the binding has long since broken from reading it so much. There are parts of that book that I read so many times that I've committed it to memory. My mother seemed to think there was something funny about classical music. Again, before the internet existed I'd take every opportunity to catch a classical music concert or an interview with a concert classical musician on TV. My Mom would laugh at the pretentiousness, such as Leonard Bernstein doing the jitterbug while he was conducting or Bernstein being interviewed and with a glass of whisky in one hand and a cigarette in the other as he pontificated on the music. She seemed to think that conductors of orchestras (and especially Leonard Bernstein) looked funny, because they seemed all serious and pretentious while they were up there "dancing" to the music. I think my Mom's way of looking at classical music prevented me from becoming a musical snob, from not taking the wine and cheese crowd, the tuxedos and evening gowns, and the genre as a whole, so seriously; and to just enjoy classical music for what it is.


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## whispering (Oct 26, 2013)

Dear Art Rock.

Thank you for your thoughtful reply. I am so sorry your mother died so young. Yes the last year has been terrible with the grief but my mother got to almost 90yo. I was lucky to have known her for so many years.

Your point about remembering your parents and visiting their graves on their birthdays is something I may well do in future years. I have to go next Wednesday to check the entry in the book of remembrance is okay, take some photos and email them to family unable to attend. Doing so on a bleak mid winter day is not something I am relishing. That said mum’s birthday was in August. There is merit in giving a higher priority to the date of a parent’s birth as opposed to their date of death.

Thank you for that thought. Strangely of much more value in the circumstances than a music recommendation. I will wish you a long and happy life or as the Irish say “may you know the years”.

Thank you again for your kind and thoughtful reply.


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## whispering (Oct 26, 2013)

Dear All

Thank you for the posts in reply to my query. There are some lovely memories and ideas here. Having replied to Art Rock I am having to sign off as I am getting somewhat upset. I will advise how Wednesday goes, what music if any gets played. I just wanted to say thank you for the thoughtful replies here. Death is certain for us all but also related grief when we lose loved ones. Part of the human experience when we love others in our life.


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## Merl (Jul 28, 2016)

Sorry for your loss, Whispering. I'm limited by time but I think your idea of a string quartet movement is a good one. Try the 2nd movement piacevole of Elgar's String Quartet (which Elgar's wife described as 'captured sunshine") or the 2nd movement lento of Dvorak' s American quartet. Both are beautiful pieces that aren't as dark as many others if these arent suitable I hope you find something more apt.


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## Xisten267 (Sep 2, 2018)

My condolences. It seems that I'm on the younger spectrum of this community and my mother is still alive, but I've never met or known my father and only a few years ago I've discovered that he was dead, and this since 2009. Despite he being a complete unknown person to me, I felt very badly that day, and decided to hear music. I've listened to two of Schubert's late quartets and, for the first time, to his sublime, transcendent and in my opinion tragic string quintet, a piece I still hold dear to my heart. I think now that no other piece of music, with perhaps the exception Beethoven's late quartets, would have been more appropriate at the time, and I suggest it to you. My favorite performance of the quintet is by Melos quartet and Rostropovich.


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## Crudblud (Dec 29, 2011)

I don't have any suggestions to make. Rather I offer some solidarity, however meagre. All of 2021 I cared for my mother who was dying of a brain tumour. I cannot know what you have been through, and certainly your time as a carer was much longer than mine, but, from one devoted son to another, I wish you peace.


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## 59540 (May 16, 2021)

I can commiserate. I lost both my parents in early 2021, within 2 1/2 months of each other. My mother, like yours, suffered from dementia. After she passed my father's health declined very rapidly and he passed away in March after my mother's death in January. As far as music is concerned, I always turn to Bach. There's no other composer I know of who can so movingly turn mourning into optimism and hope.


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## whispering (Oct 26, 2013)

Dear All

Well that was a rather confusing day. I went to the garden of remembrance and photographed the entry in the memorial book to email onto other members of the family. One year ago today my mum died after nearly six years of suffering from developing Dementia. Until just before Xmas I had hardly a day without tears and a deep sense of loss. Then for a while I thought I had come to better terms with my grief. No wrong again. I now realise that I am emotionally numb. Seeing my mum’s name and the words I had carefully composed in her memory left me feeling nothing. I am not sure if uncontrollable grief is better than feeling nothing, but that is where I am now.

Got home and the silence in the house was deafening. This thread was started by me seeking advice on music to play on this day after returning from the garden of remembrance. TBH I could not think what to play. Then suddenly a thought came to me from the past. In 2006 I sat in a hospital room whilst my mum had heart surgery which lasted over 6 hours. The hours dragged by slowly and I put my headphones on and started to listen to Brahms Piano Concerto number 2, over and over. Mum came through the surgery and that piece became my go to piano concerto for several years. Then as we all know for some unexplainable reason we stop listening to a favourite and move on. Well today Brahms came to my rescue. Like inviting an old friend back into the house.

There is still just one problem. As I write this note I realise my emotions are still numb. Have I processed my grief, will I now always be emotionally flat going forward, or will grief kick back in again. Honestly I do not know. What I do know is music can move us all in strange ways. I have had an urge now to play Billy Joel “An Innocent Man”. As the lines go “some people stay away from the door if there is a chance of it opening up. They hear a noise outside and just hope that it passes them by”.

I wish all users of this forum long and happy lives. Please forgive my ramblings but today I think I made progress I am just not sure how. Classical music is an incredibly diverse ocean of sounds, tempos, melodies, emotions, etc. please go on enjoying it to the full. It will pull me out of where I am in the future and I am sure and help me onto new ground. As my mum so lovingly put it “I see you have got the rubbish on again”. There is one particular piano concerto where the recapitulation is rather over done by the composer. I will leave you with one of my favourite quotes from my mum. “Oh for god sake mate either get there or give it a rest”. Priceless. Mum I will always miss you.

I look forward to a long and hopefully fun and productive membership of this forum.


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## Animal the Drummer (Nov 14, 2015)

You're not rambling. You're processing, very bravely and articulately too.

I doubt any two journeys of this kind are ever identical but, to the extent that my own experience is anything to go by, you can perhaps expect grief to pay you an occasional return visit. The good news - and there is some - is twofold. First, it shows you're facing up to the situation and dealing with it, not trying to suppress it, which would be a disaster waiting to happen. Secondly, each time you do so you're building up your own emotional muscles while grief is losing its own, and you'll also find that the rate at which such things happen diminishes with time.

Take care of yourself and keep in touch.


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## Phil loves classical (Feb 8, 2017)

I haven't opened up about this before on this forum. But when I joined this forum almost exactly 5 years ago, it was only a bit over a month after my wife passed away. There is some guilt or strong feeling of preservation of a lost one that will never go away, especially when I realize the fragility of life. When others told me about moving on, it's not an option for me, which is more me than anything imposed on me. But happiness and sorrow can coexist, that for me was the key. I don't have to suppress my sorrow or hurt by trying to be happy. I can still joke and enjoy the little things in life, as if nothing happened, at times. I don't think of my life here being anything beyond temporary, which is sort of a relief in a way, so I don't need to make grand plans or have regrets.


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## whispering (Oct 26, 2013)

Dear Phil loves Classical thank you for responding to my thread. I fully understand your point about happiness and sadness coexisting. I think TBH I have been a little muddled in my thinking. On the one hand accepting I will never move on or get over my loss as others say. My feelings of loss, sadness and isolation will no doubt still be with me as I approach the end of my temporary time period on this amazing world, hopefully many years into the future. That said searching for some deeper meaning to life, some blinding moment of insight which will give me a better emotional balance.

Alas it will not happen. I have to accept 30 odd years perhaps of solitude in my own company by and large. So I need to decide what is important in life and what is just nice to have. I own about 500 classical music CDs which is more than enough for me. Yes I can keep digging deeper into the classical music Ocean, but in reality the law of diminishing returns kicks in. During my caring role I lost the time to play music, only slowly is my pleasure in doing so coming back. It will never escape the natural boundary of 500 CDs. 

On that basis I am signing off today from Talk Classical. My interests now are moving towards spiritualism, astronomy, history and charity work. Classical music will always have a part in my life, I will always play it, but my study and exploring of it will cease from today. I have Beethoven, Brahms, Schumann, Mendelssohn, Schubert, Mozart and various other composers to keep me company, as old friends do. Dvorak’s American quartet and second piano quintet will always grab me by the throat whenever I hear them. Spreading myself ever wider I now realise will not increase my joy of classical music, it will just create the problem of where do I find the time to play all of this music. 

I have spent a year going full circle. When mum died I promised myself to engage in charity work. The intense grief that hit me just made that impossible. Well now I will start to do so. Classical music will be a joy and pleasure in my life, but it cannot become anything more.

Thank you to everyone who generously answered my threads in the last year. I genuinely wish everyone on this forum long and fun lives. Ark Rock thank you for the idea of remembering my mum on her birthday not her date of death, as regards visiting the garden of remembrance. A simple suggestion but it makes a great deal of sense.


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