# Family



## Polednice (Sep 13, 2009)

It's that depressing time of year again when we're compelled to spend time with our families. Well, I'm really, _really_ compelled to because I'm still young and live with mine. How do you find spending time with your relations?

I returned home on Saturday afternoon, my university term having ended, and I have hated every second of it since, and have to put up with it for the next five weeks. I live with my two parents, as well as three brothers (22, 14, 8) and a sister (16).

Some of the details that really stress me out and make me feel genuinely terrible are too personal, but we're extremely dysfunctional (though who wouldn't say that, I suppose?). The main thing that makes me feel most distressed about being here is that I have absolutely nothing whatsoever in common with any of them. I'm a freak and an outcast by their standards - a terrible inconvenience with my stacks of boring books and the racket of my piano. Surely I should be watching the _X Factor_ like any other sane person.

**** I really needed this rant! 

I should say though that the 8-year-old is tremendously innocent, sweet, and funny, and is the only thing keeping me sane!


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## Igneous01 (Jan 27, 2011)

I've grown to be indifferent to it - whatever when they are there, whatever when they are not. I dont think I have any connection to them at all at this point (not that I hate them, im just indifferent to it)

LONER FTW!!!


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## CountessAdele (Aug 25, 2011)

I enjoy my family time, to an extent. I'm used to living on my own though and my brother just recently moved in with me. I didn't want him to but hes going to the same college and its cheeper for him to live with me. What could I say? Its an adjustment but he's being very helpful (he kills bugs for me).


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## Couchie (Dec 9, 2010)

Hmmm, I can relate, although I do watch the X Factor, but that's only because I'm completely sadomasochistic.


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## prettyhippo (Apr 19, 2011)

Uh, I kind of know how you feel. I'm a college student too, though my break starts on the 16th. I live with my parents. My mom is pretty great but I hate seeing my dad, and I don't really like going home. Creepy as it sounds, I only really go to visit my dogs and to see my grandpa who's there a lot. It's kind of hard to get through the long breaks, so I tend to prepare by acquiring a lot of large books and long operas, and barricading myself in my bedroom.


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## Ukko (Jun 4, 2010)

My parents, my siblings, and most of my friends are dead. This is the time of year when I miss them most.

I suppose you can hope to die young, though I think that's foolishness, but if you live to be old, young TC'ers, there's a fair chance you will duplicate my condition. I hope you have fewer regrets then than I do - and at least as many good memories.

Happy Holidays


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## Meaghan (Jul 31, 2010)

I like spending time with my parents, just not necessarily both of them at the same time--they bicker almost constantly. My brother (age 16) is one of my favorite people in the world. And unlike me, he can get away with telling my parents to shut up when they are arguing for no reason. He is polite and mild-mannered most of the time (I am not), so on the rare occasions he actually gets mad, it sort of stuns them into silence. Which I appreciate.


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## samurai (Apr 22, 2011)

@ Hilltroll72, From another geezer, let me say you put it quite well; you young'uns could do far worse than listening to the Troll. Trust me on this, he knows of what he speaks. :tiphat:
Though you youngsters might not realize it just yet, once people are gone, they are gone *forever*.
So-in spite of all the difficulties you might be having now with them--these and they shall pass, and all too soon!


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## Polednice (Sep 13, 2009)

SO I'm supposed to suddenly like my utterly detestable family because one day they'll be dead?  I would never say that I'd be glad if they were gone, but I still hate them most of the time.


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## samurai (Apr 22, 2011)

@ Polednice, Do you really mean *hate *in this context? Think about it, please.


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## Ukko (Jun 4, 2010)

Polednice said:


> SO I'm supposed to suddenly like my utterly detestable family because one day they'll be dead?  I would never say that I'd be glad if they were gone, but I still hate them most of the time.


Nope, that ain't the _point_. I do humbly suggest that you make an effort to remember things though. Even to the _point_ of keeping a journal. If the day should come when all you have is memories, the journal may help you remember why those were bad times you are well away from.


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## science (Oct 14, 2010)

I'm only about a decade older than Polednice, but I felt the same way about my family at his age. 

It gets better. You move out, get your own place, live the way you want to live without their constant criticism, and never have to see them for longer than you'd like. You might never fit in with them entirely, but you miss them eventually. Then you Skype them for an hour or two. 

I envy the people who fit into their families, but I'm not one of them. Of course I'm adopted...


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## HarpsichordConcerto (Jan 1, 2010)

Polednice, you might just need to move out from home. It usually works, and you and your family in all likelihood will "come together" closer that way.


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## CountessAdele (Aug 25, 2011)

samurai said:


> @ Hilltroll72, From another geezer, let me say you put it quite well; you young'uns could do far worse than listening to the Troll. Trust me on this, he knows of what he speaks. :tiphat:
> Though you youngsters might not realize it just yet, once people are gone, they are gone *forever*.
> So-in spite of all the difficulties you might be having now with them--these and they shall pass, and all too soon!


Believe me when I tell you I'll never take a family member for granted ever again. I first lost a family member at age 11, my grandma who was amazing. I've since lost my wonderful grandpa from the same side. And in the April tornados here in Alabama I lost 2 young cousins, ages 10 and 12, again from the same side. I understand loss, unfortunately understanding doesn't make it any easier. Though I do appreciate your message.


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## sospiro (Apr 3, 2010)

Polednice said:


> It's that depressing time of year again when we're compelled to spend time with our families. Well, I'm really, _really_ compelled to because I'm still young and live with mine. How do you find spending time with your relations?
> 
> I returned home on Saturday afternoon, my university term having ended, and I have hated every second of it since, and have to put up with it for the next five weeks. I live with my two parents, as well as three brothers (22, 14, 8) and a sister (16).
> 
> ...


Being a freak & an outcast means you fit right in on TC.  Seriously though for financial reasons it's often impossible to move away from home until you start earning. The only thing you can do until then is find a place inside your head to retreat to.



Polednice said:


> I should say though that the 8-year-old is tremendously innocent, sweet, and funny, ...


Bring him along to the _Les Troyens_ TC meet-up - we'll soon change that.


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## Kopachris (May 31, 2010)

Igneous01 said:


> I've grown to be indifferent to it - whatever when they are there, whatever when they are not. I dont think I have any connection to them at all at this point (not that I hate them, im just indifferent to it)
> 
> LONER FTW!!!


I'm pretty much the same way. We should get together and start a loner club! Oh, wait...


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## Sid James (Feb 7, 2009)

It's on and off with the family for me too. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's not. When I visit I just try to be respectful and kind of mind my own business. Keep the distance. Yes, as you get older more distance grows between you and them, physically, mentally, in all ways. It doesn't necessarily get "better" just different, the dynamics kind of change.

About dysfunctional families, I think if they admit it, everyone's has at least a bit of that. I don't think any family doesn't have some element of that. Otherwise it would be Disney, which is simply not real. I mean I know people who came from quite well to do families and ended up having all sorts of problems, but same with people from the wrong side of the tracks. Man, a friend told me, he visited Beverly Hills in the USA, and he said the mega rich there, who he interacted with, are "the most screwed up people on the planet." The grass sometimes looks greener on the other side, but when you scratch the surface a bit, it's exactly the same colour as the side you're on, which always looks much worse to you because you're used to it, etc...


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## Dodecaplex (Oct 14, 2011)

During these times, we all get together and have massive chess tournaments. I always win, of course.

Aside from that, the only thing that's negative about my parents is how they still don't accept the fact that I have OCD, even after a psychiatrist confirmed the diagnosis. They live in a perfect world where everything happens for the most perfect of all reasons. This leads to lots of arguing and disagreement.


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## Sid James (Feb 7, 2009)

^^Yes, the problem with some parents is that they kind of "live" their children's lives for them. They have a stereotype in their mind as to how their children's life should play out. This is often unrealistic and a kind of DIsneyland fantasy. They do want the best for us but ultimately they are clouded by what they want, not what we want, what is our needs. I just kind of take it on board what they say, validate it, take from it what I can, the rest I don't need, I just jettison it basically. Still be nice with them but there is a point you have to kind of say "thanks, but no thanks, this is my life, I'll run my life, you run yours." Of course, this isn't easy in practice, even when you get older, & if it's done in a kind of emotionally charged way, it can cause damage...


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## pollux (Nov 11, 2011)

The problem with dysfunctional families is contained in one word: egoism. Sons who respond to their parents' egoism with more egoism are condemned to form dysfunctional families in the future. So, you young people, instead of blaming your family, try to turn that egoism into love, for your own sake! It is difficult, I know, but this is your only hope.


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## Dster (Oct 3, 2011)

Polednice said:


> SO I'm supposed to suddenly like my utterly detestable family because one day they'll be dead?  I would never say that I'd be glad if they were gone, but I still hate them most of the time.


I never saw eye to eye with my father whom I thought was a reactionary old fool. When he was at his last leg I was called back home from far away. I made it with one day to spare. He was all wired up in the hospital and too weak to speak. Sitting besides his bed with time to reflect, it suddenly dawned on me that I do not know my father at all. He grew up in a different era with different values. He tried his best to provide for his family as best as he could but I judged him by my standard without trying to understand what made him what he was. It was the saddest moment of my life because he left me without a single word.


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## Polednice (Sep 13, 2009)

samurai said:


> @ Polednice, Do you really mean *hate *in this context? Think about it, please.


It is hatred, yes. They are not intrinsically bad people, but they are closed-minded, intolerant, inconsiderate of me, and made me feel like **** in my teenage years for being different (sexuality and other things). I get very distressed and angry being at home. I accept that things will be better when I finally get to leave home, but I don't think that should give me a more sympathetic opinion of these people. Plus, except for my mother and only occasionally my father, none of them gave a damn about my illness which was a pretty big deal even if I say so myself!


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## aleazk (Sep 30, 2011)

Polednice said:


> It is hatred, yes. They are not intrinsically bad people, but they are closed-minded, intolerant, inconsiderate of me, and made me feel like **** in my teenage years for being different (sexuality and other things). I get very distressed and angry being at home. I accept that things will be better when I finally get to leave home, but I don't think that should give me a more sympathetic opinion of these people. Plus, except for my mother and only occasionally my father, none of them gave a damn about my illness which was a pretty big deal even if I say so myself!


what you say remind me the family of Billy Elliot in the homonymous movie.


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## violadude (May 2, 2011)

Luckily, I ended up in a really great family for the most part. Growing up they always treated me relatively well. My parents are very supportive of my musical interests. My mom particularly is somewhat musically inclined so we can have some good conversations about that. My Dad is not very musical at all....but we both enjoy old school rock so we can kind of talk about that. He can't talk in depth about the music much...but he tries heh heh  He is very supportive of my music interests too. 

I enjoy a great relationship with my now 16 year old sister. We have spent many nights staying up all night just talking about stuff.
Me and my family go out to dinner and the movies and stuff a lot too, that's usually fun.

Of course no family is without their flaws and mine certainly has theirs. My dad for example can be way too hard headed and not able to see others point of view and that drives me crazy sometimes. He just forms a first opinion based on shallow information and sticks to it no matter what.

I guess one of my biggest "problems", (though its not much of a problem as it doesn't affect my daily life) with my family at this point is that they are very conservative, which I used to be too since I was raised in that environment. But since I've been to college and forming my own opinions Ive been going more toward the center. At this point I wouldn't consider myself a conservative or a liberal, just somewhere in the middle. But when I go home, some of the stuff they say about their beliefs actually shocks me now, to the point where I think "HUH?? I used to agree with you guys???" But we don't argue about it or anything. They tell me their beliefs and I quietly agree or disagree with what they are saying, it's no big deal. I'm not one who is "disgusted by the other side" so to speak. 

But in the long run I love my family. I have a bond with them that cant be broken, no matter how mad at them I get, I always end up forgetting about it and everything is fine again.

About family holidays though, lol I don't particularly enjoy those either, merely because I am socially disinclined in general. The holidays don't really make me particularly cheery, but if I go to a family holiday event I always feel pressured to drum up some fake cheeriness to please everyone. I guess it is the same for a lot of people I imagine.


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## Polednice (Sep 13, 2009)

My festive avatar, summing up my feelings on the season, has been unleashed.


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## Dodecaplex (Oct 14, 2011)

My Tintin avatar, summing up my feelings on life, has been approved by the FBI.


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## Ukko (Jun 4, 2010)

Dodecaplex said:


> My Tintin avatar, summing up my feelings on life, has been approved by the FBI.


This is excellent news. I was concerned for you. Something about that bone...


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## GoneBaroque (Jun 16, 2011)

My parents died about 45 years ago within 6 months of each other, my Mother four days before Christmas which makes the Holiday still bittersweet for me. In both cases their death was sudden and unexpected. I was an only child and still miss yhem and think of them often. I have some cousins, they were both from large families, but have had no contact with them for a long time. The one cousin I cared for lived in Ontario and died a number of years ago. So much about this geezer.

Polednice; It is unfortunate your family causes you to feel that way, but many families are dysfunctional primarily two people who have not much in common and do not really know each other decide to get married and raise a brood of children to be just like them. But, do not think badly of them. Someday you will be able to look back and think back on the good times. As for the 8 year old, do not despair, he will grow up and become like the others unless you can somehow exert a strong influence on him. As Annie said make yourself your own best friend.


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## Dodecaplex (Oct 14, 2011)

Hilltroll72 said:


> This is excellent news. I was concerned for you. Something about that bone...


I was more concerned about the innocent and docile-looking boy. Some of the geezers around here might have gotten a wrong idea or two.


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## Polednice (Sep 13, 2009)

GoneBaroque said:


> Polednice; It is unfortunate your family causes you to feel that way, but many families are dysfunctional primarily two people who have not much in common and do not really know each other decide to get married and raise a brood of children to be just like them. But, do not think badly of them. Someday you will be able to look back and think back on the good times. As for the 8 year old, do not despair, he will grow up and become like the others unless you can somehow exert a strong influence on him. As Annie said make yourself your own best friend.


My parents (in the least derogatory sense of the word) were certainly very naive when they started a family. My Mum was only 17 when she had her first (I was her second, when she was 18), and both parents have told me on various occasions that they have only stayed together for the past two decades because of the children. If I had an actual bond with any of them, it might make the dysfunction easier, but my bookish interests make me a freak in their eyes.

Thankfully, the 8-year-old _adores_ me!  He thinks I'm great fun (what child wouldn't?!), and I exert more influence on him than any of my siblings do, so I'm claiming his mind as mine for the shaping.


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