# Don't Ask Me Why: Chapter 13, Part I



## Huilunsoittaja (Apr 6, 2010)

It was early November, and the peak for the Fall colors. Every tree was yellow, orange or red, depending on the type, and the ground was covered with leaves in places so that you couldn't see the ground. The weather had been rainy for a long time in October, but now the sun was coming out bright and full, and the air was fresh and clean. Marie liked taking walks on the weekends by herself, especially around her apartment. There was a path that went to a small river nearby the college campus, and she would walk around there, taking pictures of the landscape and reading at park benches.

It was always calm and refreshing. Occasionally, Marie would hang out with Tanya here, particularly in the summer, but now Tanya was always saying she was too busy. But of course, enough time to go drinking, it seemed. Marie was glad at this time though, because she wanted to be alone with her thoughts.

It was only a week until the Concerto Competition. The preliminary round was already past, and eight people were selected to go to the finals. Amazingly, Alex got in, and it was already a major accomplishment. It began with over fifty contestants from all departments, and it all narrowed down to this. Three pianists, two violinists, a clarinetist, an oboist, and one cellist, himself. Marie had started receiving the bios of all the musicians already by email, and Alex submitted his too.

_"Alex Young is a 1st year MM degree at the University. He studied at Oberlin for his Undergrad, having won numerous awards within the conservatory and without. He was accepted as a finalist for the Midwest Collegiate Cellist Competition, and also as was a featured Artist Scholarship recipient with the Society for Advancement of Musical Education. He has had appearances with the Cleveland Symphony Orchestra and Columbus Philharmonic, and a recent solo debut with the Pittsburgh Symphony Orchestra with their Undergraduate Concerto Competition. Alex has also served his community by volunteering in young musicians workshops all around the Midwest, and has a passion for the contemporary music scene, premiering a number of new works by local composers..."_

Marie was both amazed and disheartened by what she read. Alex was enormously gifted, beyond comparison to any musician she ever knew. The other contestants had great bios too, particularly the pianists, but none of them mentioned such high solo debuts. But what would bring Alex here now? He could have easily picked up a job by now if he wanted, but he came here.

Alex obviously was very immersed and ambitious, like all musicians at the University. All of them wanted to win, to achieve, to aim higher and higher. Alex was here to win, to gain higher accolades, more experience, more "resume."

And that's all that he probably cared about. Just like everyone else.

Marie was thinking about this as she walked by the river. She was conflicted with feelings of hope and despair now.

"Can I penetrate the life of someone like that? What if all he cares about is music? Never gets in a relationship, never gets married... what a silly thing to think about, but... would that happen? could we ever be? I don't see it... but still... I can't help my feelings... then again, what if he isn't like them all? Oh I hope so! If only...!"

Days went on in silence as before.

Tanya finally and officially changed her thesis to Russian choral music, and started spending huge amounts of her time researching. She also starting teaching herself Russian vocal diction, something rarely taught in the US. It was all very exciting but very taxing on her energy. Not to mention all the new music she had to work on in the choirs and for voice lessons.

But underlying all the hectic academic rigor, she held secret feelings, things she couldn't possibly share with Marcus. A battle seemed to rage within her, a rupture of her normal peace of mind. Somehow, at the bottom of everything, she loved Marcus still, but Ernest had now so completely filled her mind that she nearly forgot the engagement ring on her finger. A slow process of change went through her, one barely visible on the outside. The more Tanya engaged in her musical obligations, the more obsessed she became over her personal feelings. They seemed to interweave, and each complimented the other.

It was a secret pleasure to her.

The Finals round finally came. It was Friday night again, and a great number of people gathered in the main concert hall, mostly grad students who were cheering on their friends. All eight contestants were graduate students. Outside people from the community were also there.

Marie and Tanya sat together as planned, and looked over the program together.

"So, it seems that the judges don't get any sort of bios, right?" Marie was saying.

"Yes, I think that would produce too much bias for one over another," Tanya replied. "But it's great to see this other stuff though, I've never known some of these people, but it's neat to find out what they've done. Did you notice Alex's?" she grinned.

"Yes, I did," Marie replied without smiling. "He's very talented."

"Indeed! So, you're still rooting for him?"

"I am... I think he has a good chance."

"Well, if you're rooting for him, so will I!" Tanya said with conviction.

Marie fidgeted deeper into her seat, staring at the stage. She didn't like how Tanya was talking about him so much. It was giving her too many painful thoughts.

Marie already knew ahead of time that Alex was going to be the very last contestant for the night. Everyone would play before him, but he would get the last word. She waited throughout the night in silent desperation and dread for that one moment of him coming on stage.


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