# Need commentary on a rough draft



## MJTTOMB

Working on a valse for a school assignment, I have the basic skeleton of the piece completed but I'd really like to get feedback from you all about anything that can be improved. Attached is a copy of the sheet music, linked to is a digitally rendered recording of the work as it currently would sound.


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https://soundcloud.com/mjttomb%2Fvalsetriomphante


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## emiellucifuge

Very well done first of all, the theme is sublime and very nicely crafted climax etc..

I don't feel the octaves add anything to the music personally. Also I feel that there is not enough contrast within the piece and that too much of it is (too closely) based on the starting material. This did not help my long-term enjoyment of the piece and after a while (despite the lovely material) it began too weight too heavily on my ears. This may have been compounded by the constant-powerful manner in which the accompaniment was played. It was the opposite of the usual flowing waltz rhythm.

In general though I liked it.


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## chillowack

What exactly are you trying to achieve with this piece? What kind of feedback are you looking for?

This reminds me of something from the movie _The Sting_. The piano has an "old-fashioned" sound, like a Scott Joplin kind of thing (but maybe that's because you're playing octaves).

It has that irregular "Chopin" style tempo, which I've noticed before in your work; and you seem to be doing something interesting with accents (i.e. putting them on the 2nd and 3rd beats of the measure, rather than the first).

I like the dramatic, irregular-tempo counterpoint in the bridge: you've developed considerable skill with this technique, and (again) I am reminded of Chopin, Rachmaninoff, etc.

All these nuances (plus interesting dynamics) make it enjoyable to listen to; but again, without knowing what exactly you're trying to do, I'm afraid these are only general comments.


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## chee_zee

Certainly I'm not a good composer, but to me it felt like I was waiting for the "B" section to come in. it was more like listening to a theme and variations. the slower and quieter part that comes in at around 1:40 saved the day though, but I felt you needed another subordinate theme to go with the A and A1 sections. it gets a bit monotonous sticking with that one theme in the A section the whole song.

Again, I'm no good at music myself so I know I'm not in the place to criticize another's work, if you DID have a subordinate group of themes they weren't different enough from the primary group to give an effective contrast. I feel that even the most non-musician among us should easily be able to tell one theme from another. your rhythm section is odd, so that really limits what you can have theme wise, but other than this problem of monotony, might I say bravo?


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## Aramis

As always, your waltz rhythm is irregular and breaks. I guess it could be fixed when performed, by rubato. To tell the truth I think this piece can be both terrible when played like on this soundcloud file and very good when performed with proper rubato. I may be wrong. I'm calling Ridge Forrester, he will borrow me his private jet and I'll fly to your performance to find out. 

And it's not triomphant at all. Waltz could hardly be triomphant, ever.


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## Scott Good

hey

i haven't been here (TC) in ages - but, dropped by, and listened to your piece.

very nice! especially in light of your age. i agree quite a bit with chee-zee - there needs to be more of a conversation - more playful. and this could be achieved by contrasting materials to give more depth. 

there are other areas to consider - the harmony is solid...but perhaps overly predictable and repetitive. more modern works such as Satie Gymnopedies or even Bill Evan's Waltz for Debbie might provide some interesting ideas. the addition of extended harmony (9th, 11th chords), could really enhance this music. cross relations between harmonies to give it some sinuous quality.

rhythm - that opening figure in the first bar could be exploited much more - think hemiola and sequence and experiment. as i always say, find what is strong in your work, and exploit the heck out of it!

orchestration - i don't mind the octaves so much, but you could do much more. the variations could be much more exaggerated - more range. some flip over the thumb right hand flourishes would be nice. in this regard, secondary material becomes less important - simply go with theme and variations...but vary! think chopin.

lastly...well, last time i checked, we were in the 2nd decade of the 21st century! i'd suggest exploring your boundaries a bit. experiment. explore.

i'd be happy to discuss in more detail if you like.

s


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## MJTTOMB

funny you should mention waltz for debby! i wrote a 4-horn jazz chart of that piece that was played by the army blues not too long ago. 
>Thread

and thanks to everyone else for all of the suggestions, you're right about the subordinate theme entirely. the one i chose in this piece is actually recycled from an older waltz that i'd like to pretend i never wrote. i've been working on this theme for the longest time, and i absolutely loved the primary theme, since it's the only inspiration i've had in months. i was in a hurry to finish the piece, so i didn't spend anywhere near as much time conceiving/developing a workable subordinate theme.

when i go back to the drawing board with this one that's going to be what i probably spend the most time on.

thanks guys, and feel free to continue picking it apart if you think there's anything else that could be improved!


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## hlolli

Harmony Harmony Harmony. I don't know if the music is going north or south, east or west. It's in d flat major, so make sure that the listener is sure that this piece is in d flat major.

Btw What font are you using?? It's really cool.


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## MJTTOMB

I personally thought most of the harmonies were relatively straightforward, lots of dominant 7th resolving to where they should. 

The title font is called "Mistral", and the composer name font and the "study in octaves" fonts are "Modern No. 20".


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## chillowack

Scott Good said:


> last time i checked, we were in the 2nd decade of the 21st century! i'd suggest exploring your boundaries a bit. experiment. explore.


Scott, are you saying this is an antiquated composing style, and therefore invalid?

I'm definitely on board with the relevance of contemporary composition, but since this is the "Talk Classical" board, I'm wondering how far from the baroque/classical/romantic styles we are "allowed" to wander, while still being able to post our work here.


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## soundandfury

Nicely balanced and poised piece, certainly reminded me of Chopin; but I do have to agree with a few others above, that it's not really diverse enough. Try bringing in another theme, maybe play bits of two themes against each other. Even if it's just a modulation, this piece desperately needs some variety.
Nonetheless, each passage on its own is well written and pleasant sounding.
Perhaps you're working too close to your music here; take a step back and see the wood for the trees, try to give the piece some overall direction.
It is a nice piece, though


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