# Music jokes



## Yoshi

Share yours 

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft? 
A flat minor. 

What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base? 
A flat major. 

What's the difference between God and a conductor? 
God knows He's not a conductor. 

What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians? 
A drummer. 


A drummer, sick of all the drummer jokes, decides to change his instrument. After some thought, he decides on the accordion. So he goes to the music store and says to the owner, "I'd like to look at the accordions, please." 

The owner gestures to a shelf in the corner and says "All our accordions are over there." 

After browsing, the drummer says, "I think I'd like the big red one in the corner." 

The store owner looks at him and says, "You're a drummer, aren't you?" 

The drummer asks, "How did you know?" 

The store owner says, "That big red accordion' is the radiator."


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## Zeniyama

I have one...

What do you do when a musician knocks on your door?
You give him the money and take the pizza.


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## Zeniyama

A few more...

A drummer, who was fed-up with being treated as less of a musician by his friends, decided on learning a different type of musical instrument to shut them up. He went down to the music store, and after a while of searching and careful consideration, went to the cashier and said "I'd like to buy that red trumpet hanging on the wall over there and that large accordion over there in the corner." The cashier looks at him a bit dumbfounded and after a minute's silence says "Well, I can probably let you have the fire extiguisher, but the radiator stays here!"

Why is a bassoon better than an oboe?
A bassoon burns longer.

What's perfect pitch?
Tossing a clarinet into the toilet without hitting the sides.

How can you tell that a stage is completely level?
You can see the drool coming out of both sides of the drummer's mouth.


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## Weston

Bah - I don't know any musical jokes. I'm too busy listening to music, like the work I'm hearing tonight called _Symphony on a French Mountain Air for piano and orchestra_. I have no idea who wrote it, but the person who loaned it assures me it's a dandy piece.


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## Mirror Image

Weston said:


> Bah - I don't know any musical jokes. I'm too busy listening to music, like the work I'm hearing tonight called _Symphony on a French Mountain Air for piano and orchestra_. I have no idea who wrote it, but the person who loaned it assures me it's a dandy piece.


Weston, "Symphony on a French Mountain Air" is by French composer Vincent d'Indy. Just to let you know.


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## Yoshi

Q. How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch? 
A. He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks. 

Q: How do you tell when your lead singer is at the door?
A: He can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in.

Q: Why don't they know where Mozart is buried?
A: Because he's Haydn.

Q: What's musical and handy in a supermarket?
A: A Chopin Liszt.


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## Weston

Mirror Image said:


> Weston, "Symphony on a French Mountain Air" is by French composer Vincent d'Indy. Just to let you know.


Thanks, MI. I guess I need to work on my punch line delivery.


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## Padawan

Jan said:


> Q. How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch?
> A. He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks.
> 
> Q: How do you tell when your lead singer is at the door?
> A: He can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in.
> 
> Q: Why don't they know where Mozart is buried?
> A: Because he's Haydn.
> 
> Q: What's musical and handy in a supermarket?
> A: A Chopin Liszt.


Those are funny. I especially liked the first one.


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## andruini

Here's some I know:

How do you get a guitarist to stop playing?
You put sheet music in front of him.
How do you get a pianist to stop playing?
You take his sheet music away.

What is the first thing a soprano does in the morning?
Get dressed and go back home.
(Ok, that one's mean )

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Philip Glass.

I'll think of more later..


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## Zeniyama

What's the difference between a Wagnerian Soprano and a Wagnerian Tenor?
About ten pounds.

What do you call ten accordions at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.

What's an oboe good for?
Lighting a bassoon on fire.

What's a bassoon good for?
Kindling for an accordion fire.

Why's the french horn a divine instrument?
Because a man blows in it, but only God knows what comes out of it.


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## Mirror Image

Weston said:


> Thanks, MI. I guess I need to work on my punch line delivery.


I didn't realize you were making a joke.


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## Bgroovy2

Two violists go fishing and one falls out of the boat. He screams---help, I don't know how to swim. His buddy then yells back at him.......just fake it!


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## Jaime77

Why are viola jokes so short?
So violinists can understand them.

Did you hear about the bassist who was so out of tune his section noticed? 

Lute players spend half their time tuning their instrument and the other half playing out of tune. 

A conductor and a violist are standing in the middle of the road. which one do you run over first, and why?
The conductor. Business before pleasure.


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## michael walsh

My two favourite descriptions of the percussionist section:

*The bang gang

The Kitchen Department *


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## Efraim

Jan said:


> Q: Why don't they know where Mozart is buried?
> A: Because he's Haydn.


This is a true story, not a joke, but it sounds as if it were a bad joke. Poor Haydn wasn't hiding as well as did Mozart in the cemetery: a kind of body-snatcher found his grave and stole his... head! In fact, he wanted to study Haydn's head for a "scientific" purpose: according to a then fashionable theory the form of the head reflects mental abilities. This musical thief wanted to find out why Haydn was such a big genius.


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## Efraim

As I already wrote it in another thread, Haydn liked to make jokes. For example, once he set to music the Ten Commandments; for the eighth, "You shall not steal", he didn't bother about inventing an original melody: instead, he stole one from another composer.


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## Zeniyama

I just heard this one, and it tickled me quite a bit.

What's the difference between a violist and a seamstress?
A seamstress tucks up the frills.

The next two I'd heard before...

How do you get a violin to sound like a viola?
Sit in the back and don't play.

What's the best recording of William Walton's _Viola Concerto_?
Music Minus One.

Okay, I'm done poking fun at the viola for now.


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## Lukecash12

A quote from an individual who goes under the user name of PJF at the Piano Society website:

"*10 Ways to Know You Are a Bona Fide Pianist*

10...your manicurist has a restraining order against you.

9...you haven't got tennis elbow but rather "damper pedal ankle."

8...you have recurring nightmares of scales, chords, and arpeggios; OH MY!

7...hearing "Fur Elise" just one more time could be grounds for that insanity defense thing.

6...you get dirty looks when you refer to Fantasie Impromptu as "not THAT hard"

5...your family stages an intervention because your leather bench smells like rotten Gorgonzola.

4...the neighbors now open their windows to hear you practice! You're flattered but they've actually developed Stockholm Syndrome.

3...when relatives' kids visit, they're more interested in watching you play than putting their damned greasy hand prints all over the bass strings; also the mousetraps seem to help.

2...local songbirds go on strike.

And the number one way you know you're a bona fide pianist:

1...the idea of getting padded butt implants doesn't sound completely insane anymore"


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## andruini

Number 5 was gold.


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## crazzycat

some guitar jokes
Q: How do you make him stop playing?
A: Put notes on it!

Q: What did the guitar say to the guitarist?
A: Pick on someone your own size!

Q: What's the definition of a minor second?
A: Two lead guitarists playing in unison.

Q: What do you call two guitarists playing in unison?
A: Counterpoint.

Q: How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
A: Give him a sheet of music.

Q: How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Twenty. One to change the bulb and nineteen to say, "Not bad, but I could've done better".


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## Joaf

What tempo does Paul McCartney's ex-wife write in when she wants to feel normal?

Allegro (A-leg-grow)

I made that one up myself


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