# Some music jokes to relieve your stress



## 4/4player (Nov 17, 2006)

A community orchestra was plagued by attendance problems. Several musicians were absent at each rehearsal. As a matter of fact, every player in the orchestra had missed several rehearsals, except for one very faithful oboe player. Finally, as the dress rehearsal drew to a close, the conductor took a moment to thank the oboist for her faithful attendance. She, of course, humbly responded "It's the least I could do, since I won't be at the performance." .....

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..." Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."

4/4player


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## Topaz (Oct 25, 2006)

There's a whole load more jokes like this if anyone's really interested (as I'm not) at:

http://www.digitaldreamdoor.com/pages/aa-home.html

Jokes on just about everything. I've seen them all. I must have seen this Beethoven one above about a hundred times.

Topaz


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## Gatton (Dec 20, 2006)

I only know one but it's the oldest one in existence I am sure.

What's the difference between a violin and a viola?

The viola takes longer to burn.

Jason - A viola fan


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## Edward Elgar (Mar 22, 2006)

What did the drummer get on his IQ test? - Drool!


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## Kurkikohtaus (Oct 22, 2006)

2 violists are fishing, when one of them suddenly falls into the water.

"Help! I can't swim!", he shouts.

The one in the boat replies,

"Fake it, then."


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## Amy (Aug 3, 2006)

*Not exactly a joke, but funny *

A friend of mine (who knows of my Handel fetish) recently text me saying he had been watching a game show during which the host asked the contestant, 'who wrote Handel's Messiah'? to which the contestant replied:
'Enid Blyton'


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## Krummhorn (Feb 18, 2007)

That's a good one, Amy ...

I then asked myself who the  is Enid Blyton? I found this  article in Wikipedia  about her. Just in case others wanted to know who she was


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## opus67 (Jan 30, 2007)

Krummhorn said:


> I then asked myself who the  is Enid Blyton?


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## Guest (Apr 17, 2007)

"Wagner's music is better than it sounds." - Mark Twain


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## zlya (Apr 9, 2007)

You're driving along, and suddenly a violist and a conductor jump into the middle of the road. What do you do?

Aim for the conductor: business before pleasure.


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## Guest (Apr 18, 2007)

Gatton said:


> I only know one but it's the oldest one in existence I am sure.
> 
> What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
> 
> ...


I thought that there was no difference between a violin and a viola: they are actually the same size, but a violinist's head is so much bigger.


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## Azathoth (Feb 28, 2007)

How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, the keyboardist can do it with his left hand.


How do you know when the stage is level?

When the pianist is drooling out of both sides of his mouth.

Why was the piano invented?

So the musicians would have a place to put their beer

Why did Mozart kill his chickens?
Because they always ran around going "Bach! Bach! Bach!"

"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats." -- Albert Schweitzer


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## Rondo (Jul 11, 2007)

*Q: What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?*
_A: New Age music._

*Q: What happens when you play a country song backwards?*
_A: You get your farm back, you get your wife back and you get your dog back._
*
Q: What was the hardest thing to determine in the vinyl era?*
_A: Whether a Brian Eno LP was warped or whether a Philip Glass LP was skipping._

*"Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end."* -Igor Stravinsky

*"Which is more musical, a truck passing by a factory or a truck passing by a music school?"* -John Cage

*"All music is folk music. I ain't never heard no horse sing a song. "* -Louis Armstrong


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## R-F (Feb 12, 2008)

Amy said:


> A friend of mine (who knows of my Handel fetish) recently text me saying he had been watching a game show during which the host asked the contestant, 'who wrote Handel's Messiah'? to which the contestant replied:
> 'Enid Blyton'


Someone in my school did the same thing in an exam paper, except I think they answered Beethoven! 'twas the same person who thought a guy called Nistrinksky wrote the controversial Night of String. 

One person asked, "Who wrote Beethoven?"

In another incident, the 1st years in the school were asked to draw a picture representing Smetana's Vltava, featuring the river and *mountain springs*. Naturally of course, one person mistook this and drew coil-like bouncy springs coming out of the mountain...

Just recently, a question asked you to fill in the blanks.
"The chorale prelude, written for ___ ..." (supposed to be organ)
then "The choir enters in ___." (supposed to be unison, i think)

Someone answered:
"The chorale prelude, written for monks..."
then "The choir enters in time."


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## Weston (Jul 11, 2008)

Azathoth said:


> Why was the piano invented?
> 
> So the musicians would have a place to put their beer


I thought the classic take on this was that the harpsichord was baroque.


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## Kemp (Mar 26, 2009)

A man receives a phone call from his doctor.
The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news."
The man says, "OK, give me the good news first."
The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live."
The man replies, "Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad news?"
The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."


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## Bgroovy2 (Mar 27, 2009)

How do ya get a drumer off your door step? Pay for the pizza!

What do ya call a guy that hangs around with musicians? A Drumer!

How do ya shut up a guitarist? Put sheet music in front of him! 

Proof that an organist can't count, they play a trio all by themselves!

Who is this Moe guy and where is his Art?

The Beatles return to their musical roots: "Get Bach to where you once belonged!"

Why didn't the Presbitirian church get a new chandelier? No one knew how to play it!

The Hindenburg fell to the earth as though is was made of Led!

I went to a concert last night, Guess who. Yes? No the Who


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## jurianbai (Nov 23, 2008)

Krummhorn said:


> That's a good one, Amy ...
> 
> I then asked myself who the  is Enid Blyton?


too many music in childhood and less reading british children books??


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## PostMinimalist (May 14, 2008)

The conductor stops the rehearsal in the orchestra and says, 'there are some bars which we must be more careful of the dynamics. These are bars 12, 17, 24, 56, 63, 68, 72...' At which point the principal bass shouts 'Bingo!!' 

A true story! (I was the bass player.)
FC


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## Bgroovy2 (Mar 27, 2009)

Least used sentence in all the English language;

Isn't that the banjo player's Porsche!!


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## marval (Oct 29, 2007)

What do you call a short drummer with good rhythm?
A metro gnome. 


It was visitor's day at the lunatic asylum. All the inmates were standing in the courtyard singing "Ava Maria" and singing it beautifully. Oddly, each of them was holding a red apple in one hand and tapping it rhythmically with a pencil.

A visitor listened in wonderment to the performance and then approached the choir. "I am a retired choir director," he said. "This is one of the best choirs I have ever heard."

"Yes, I'm very proud of them," said the conductor.
"You should take them on tour," said the visitor, "what are they called?" 

"Surely that's obvious," replied the conductor. "They are the Moron Tapanapple Choir."


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## Margaret (Mar 16, 2009)

Bgroovy2 said:


> Least used sentence in all the English language;
> 
> Isn't that the banjo player's Porsche!!


I was watching the "Colbert Report" not long ago. Turns out Steve Martin is one mean banjo player. He's even put out CDs. I'm guessing he's rich enough to afford a Porsche.


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## Margaret (Mar 16, 2009)

post-minimalist said:


> The conductor stops the rehearsal in the orchestra and says, 'there are some bars which we must be more careful of the dynamics. These are bars 12, 17, 24, 56, 63, 68, 72...' At which point the principal bass shouts 'Bingo!!'
> 
> A true story! (I was the bass player.)
> FC


That's hysterical. How did everyone react?

Wait, do they even know what Bingo is in Greece or were you elsewhere?


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## JTech82 (Feb 6, 2009)

Q: What did the blind man say as he passed by the fish market?
A: Mornin' ladies!


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## Bgroovy2 (Mar 27, 2009)

Margaret 
I didn't say "never used." It was "least used" and yes Steve martin does play a mean banjo, but isn't he known as a comidian? LOL


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## Margaret (Mar 16, 2009)

Bgroovy2 said:


> Margaret
> I didn't say "never used." It was "least used" and yes Steve martin does play a mean banjo, but isn't he known as a comidian? LOL


Yeah, actor and comedian. Never even knew he played the banjo until that interview. Don't know what kind of sales he has for the banjo CD(s).


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## Enkhbat (Jan 28, 2009)

Those stuffs are so cool! I'll translate those and tell my friends.


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## PostMinimalist (May 14, 2008)

Margaret said:


> That's hysterical. How did everyone react?
> 
> Wait, do they even know what Bingo is in Greece or were you elsewhere?


This was in the Royal Scottish Academy of Music When I was an undergrad student there. 
THe conductor was Roger Hamilton who was only about 30 then. The whole band disolved in hysterics. I was quite the prankster in my youth.

From the same period:

Christmas concert rehearsal started with a new arrangement of some Christmas song. The piece starts with a bass pedal on low Bflat, then the choir come in for a few bars in harmony and then the woodwind come in on top of that. I got the whole section to play a B natural! the chior came in and that sounded OK but then the woodwind entry was a semitone lower than it should have been and it sounded so out of tune with the choir!
The Condutor went nuts and the Woodwind got hell! he got them to play by themselves and it sounded fine and then we started again. The same thing happened and the piece ground to a halt. Then on the third time I got the basses to play the B flat and the difference was so obvious. Suddenly everybody realized that the culprit was the bass section. Of course, when he saw it was me and thet the whole section was laughing their guts up, the conductor realized it was another practical joke! I got a diciplinary metting with the principal of the Academy for that one.
FC


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## marval (Oct 29, 2007)

Two musicians are walking down the street, and one says to the other, "Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?" The other replies, "That was no piccolo, that was my fife."


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## PostMinimalist (May 14, 2008)

Here's the conductor from the conductor jokes!

http://www.newchamberopera.co.uk/about/personnel/roger-hamilton/


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## PostMinimalist (May 14, 2008)

A drummer asks the sax player after the gig, 'How come you always end up getting the girl?"
The sax player tells him, 'You just have to play a sexier instrument!"
The next day the drummer goes to the music store and has a look around.
He says to the assistant, 'Give me that Saxophone there, and that accordion over there, please."
The assistant looks at him and says, 'Sir, I can give you the fire extinguisher but there's no way I'm ripping out the radiator!'

The other one goes like this:
A drummer asks the sax player after the gig, 'How come you always end up getting the girl?"
The sax player tells him, 'You just have to play a sexier instrument!"
The next day the drummer goes to the store and has a look around.
He asks the assistant, 'Do you have any saxophones?'
The assistant looks at him and says, 'you're a drummer aren't you?'
Shocked at the assistant's perceptiveness he asks , 'How can you tell?'
'Well sir, he replies, 'this is a grocery store!'


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## Elgarian (Jul 30, 2008)

I suppose the moral is that sexophones are saxier?


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## Rondo (Jul 11, 2007)

Poor drummers, always getting ridiculed.


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## PostMinimalist (May 14, 2008)

It used to be Banjo players....when there were banjo players.


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## Bgroovy2 (Mar 27, 2009)

There will be NO pre-marital sax around here mister!


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## Elgarian (Jul 30, 2008)

Trying to be fair to all the vowels, I was going to post a joke about six sexy saxophonists' sox, but thought better of it when I realised that it sux.


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## Bgroovy2 (Mar 27, 2009)

Elgarian said:


> Trying to be fair to all the vowels, I was going to post a joke about six sexy saxophonists' sox, but thought better of it when I realised that it sux.


We won't laugh, promise...lol
Give it a try!


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