# The most incredibly lame classical music jokes



## Manuel

*More music jokes*

Musicians' "Racism"

What is the definition of a half-step? Two flutes playing in unison.
What do clarinetists use for birth control? Their personalities.
What did the banjo player get on his theory exam? Drool. 
Why did the soprano spend the night on the porch? She lost the key and didn't know how to come in.
Why did the violist put his instrument on his car's hood? So he could park in handicapped spaces.

"Watching the viola section play alone is like watching blind people play basketball" _Garrison Keillor_


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## Guest

_My pockets are full stuffed with those kind of jokes…_

How do you get two piccolos to play in unison? - Shoot one.

What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
1. The viola burns longer. 2. The viola holds more beer. 3. You can tune the violin.

What's the difference between a lawn mower and a soprano sax?
You can tune a lawn mower, and the neighbors are upset if you borrow a lawn mower and don't return it.

How do you get a guitar player to play softer? - Give him some sheet music

Why is a violist like a terrorist? - They both screw up bowings (Boeings).

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft? - A flat minor.


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## Guest

I have got other more offensive, like these ones:

_What's the difference between a soprano and a terrorist? -- You can negotiate with a terrorist.

What's the difference between a soprano and a pirhana? -- The lipstick.
_

But I dare not. Sorry, I won't write them here.


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## opus67

What's wrong with you musicians? Why do you hate each other so much?


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## Guest

I do not hate exclusively musicians.


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## Manuel

Alnitak said:


> I do not hate exclusively musicians.


Me neither. I also hate percussionists.


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## Guest

Manuel said:


> Me neither. I also hate percussionists.


Ha! Ha! Ha!

(it's a synthesis of all the jokes I've read about percussionists !)


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## Leporello87

Manuel said:


> Me neither. I also hate percussionists.


Can I nominate this for Post of the Year?


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## Guest

definitely!


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## zlya

How many clarinetists does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one . . . but she'll need a whole box of light bulbs.


How many saxophonists does it take to change a light bulb?

Three, one to change the bulb, two to talk about how Kenny G. could have done it better.


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## HerlockSholmes

I searched for a thread about lame puns and jokes but couldn't find anything, so let's make this the thread for such jokes. Here are a few famous ones:

Why couldn't Beethoven find his teacher?
Because his teacher was Haydn.

Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens?
Because they kept saying "Bach, Bach, Bach!"

What did the conductor say when he lost his baton?
"Go Telemann I've lost my baton."

What does the average human say when he reads these kinds of jokes?
"Man, these jokes are so bad, I can't Handel them."


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## Polednice

John Cage.

TROLOLOLOL.


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## Klavierspieler

What was Beethoven doing in his grave?
Decomposing!

YOHOHO!


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## CountessAdele

I found this list on a site simply called music jokes. Enjoy!
**GLOSSARY OF MUSICAL TERMS**

ACCIDENTALS: Wrong notes 
AUGMENTED FIFTH: A 36-ounce bottle 
BROKEN CONSORT: When somebody in the ensemble has to leave and go to the restroom. 
CADENCE: When everybody hopes you're going to stop - but you don't 
CADENZA: The heroine in Monteverdi's opera "Frottola" 
CANTUS FIRMUS: The part you get when you can only play four notes 
CHANSONS DE GESTE: Dirty songs 
CLAUSULA: Mrs. Santa 
CROTCHET: A tritone with a bent prong or. . . 
CROTCHET: It's like knitting but it's faster 
CUT TIME: When you're going twice as fast as everybody else in the ensemble. 
DUCTIA: A lot of mallards 
EMBOUCHRE: The way you look when you've been playing the Krummhorn 
ESTAMPIE: What they put on letters in Quebec 
GARGLEFINKLEIN: A tiny recorder played by neums 
HOCKET: The thing that fits into a crochet to produce a rackett 
INTERVAL: How long it takes you to find the right note. There are three kinds: 
Major Interval: A long time 
Minor Interval: A few bars 
Inverted Interval: When you have to back one bar and try again 
INTONATION: Singing through one's nose. Considered highly desirable in the Middle Ages 
ISORHYTHMIC MOTET: When half of the ensemble got a different xerox than the other half 
MINNESINGER: A boy soprano or Mickey's girlfriend in the opera. 
MUSICA FICTA: When you lose your place and have to bluff till you find it again. Also known as faking 
NEUMS: Renaissance midgets 
NEUMATIC MELISMA: A bronchial disorder caused by hockets 
ORDO: The hero in Tolkien's "Lord of the Rings" 
PERFORMANCE PRACTISE: Sex education 
ROTA: An early Italian method of teaching music without score or parts 
TROTTO: An early Italian form of Montezuma's Revenge 
LAUDA: The difference between shawms and krummhorns 
SANCTA: Clausula's husband 
LASSO: The 6th and 5th steps of a descending scale 
DI LASSO: Popular with Italian cowboys 
LAI: What monks give up when they take their vows 
VIRELAI: A local woman known for her expertise in the Lai 
CONDUCTUS: The process of getting Vire into the cloister 
MOTET: Where you meet Vire if the cloister is guraded 
ORGANUM: You may not participate in the Lai without one 
PARALELL ORGANUM: Everybody standing in a double line, waiting for Vire 
MINIM: The time you spend with Vire when there is a long line 
BREVE: The time you spend when the line is short 
TEMPUS PERFECTUM: A good time was had by all 
TEMPUS IMPERFECTUM: Vire had to leave early 
LONGA: The time between visits with Vire 
PROLATION: Precautions taken before the Lai 
DRONE: The sound of a single monk during an attack of Crotchet 
RHYTHMIC DRONE: The sound of many monks suffering with Crotchet 
SOLESME: The state of mind after a rough case of Crotchet 
ISORHYTHM: The individual process of relief when Vire is out of town 
ORGANISTRUM: A job-related hazard for careless medieval percussionists, caused by getting one's tapper caught in the clapper 
HURDY-GURDY: A truss for medieval percussionists who get Organistrum 
QUAVER: Beginning viol class 
RACKETT: Capped reeds class 
RITORNELLO: An opera by Verdi 
SINE PROPRIETATE: Cussing in church 
SUPERTONIC: Schweppes 
TRANSPOSITION: An advanced recorder technique where you change from alto to soprano fingering (or vice-versa) in the middle of a piece 
TROPE: A malevolent Neum 
TUTTI: A lot of sackbuts 
STOPS: Something Bach did not have on his organ 
AGNUS DEI: A famous female church composer 
METRONOME: A dwarf who lives in the city 
ALLEGRO: Leg fertilizer 
RECITATIVE: A disease that Monteverdi had 
ORCHESTRAL SUITES: Naughty women who follow touring orchestras 
FINE: That was great! 
DA CAPO AL FINE: I like your hat! 
OPUS: A Penguin in Kansas 
FERMENTED FIFTH: What the percussion players keep behind the tympani, which resolves to a... 
DISTILLED FIFTH: What the conductor uses backstage... 

 har dee har har


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## regressivetransphobe

Why did Chopin cross the road?

Because he suffered from tuberculosis.




Knock knock.

Knock knock.

Knock knock.

Knock knock.

Knock knock.

Knock knock.

Knock knock.

Knock knock.

(This is what it sounded like when Beethoven had visitors)


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## Weston

My teacher gave me a beautiful recording of something called "Symphony on a French Mountain Air," but I don't know who wrote it. He just kept saying it is a dandy piece.


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## Sid James

Shostakovich said something like "*Puccini wrote terrible music and great operas*." I don't think he meant it as a joke, but maybe said it in a half-joking way. & if I remember correctly, it was said in the presence of Benjamin Britten (who probably agreed). I think that being the Modernists they were, they didn't like that kind of "late Romantic" music, they saw it as like too schmaltzy or whatever...


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## HerlockSholmes

Polednice said:


> John Cage.
> 
> TROLOLOLOL.


It took almost four minutes and thirty three seconds for me to get this joke.


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## waldvogel

Q. How did the car collector burn his hands?

A. He had to pull his Kreisler and Granados out of De Falla.


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## Klavierspieler

HerlockSholmes said:


> I searched for a thread about lame puns and jokes but couldn't find anything,


Oh, we should probably tell you that the search feature on this thread doesn't work.


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## waldvogel

A man walked into a CD shop and asked the owner if he could help him. He had purchased a box set of an English Classical composer at a rummage sale and the print on the CD labels was too fine for him to read. So he described the situation to the shopkeeper, and asked him if he might know who the composer was.

The shopkeeper answered: "Britten?"

"Yes, I've already told you it was an English composer."

The shopkeeper then remembered another box set that he had recently sold. "How about the Bax?"

"No, the backs of the discs are just silvery, with no writing at all."

Finally the shopkeeper tried one more time. "Tippett?"

"Thanks for your help. I've tried that already."


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## waldvogel

Two English-speaking tourists were in Paris in the 1850's. They passed by a magnificent house. One of the tourists said that it was owned by the composer of "Les Troyens".

The second tourist then said that he had heard that Meyerbeer was a very rich man, but he must be in a lot of debt with such an extravagant house.

Thereupon the first tourist said, "No, Berlioz."


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## Bill H.

Posted to the Early Music list some years ago:

THE MAD REGALIST

Last week I was leaving my favorite restaurant, the Crumb & Horn, near the Nickel Haus at the Harnon Court. I was admiring my new, Italian-made, Gonzaga Green mountain bike (on which I chitarrone quite well). Then I heard, faintly at first, someone calling my name (it was very hard to hear, but then you can missa lot of things because of the traffic and Busnois). I turned toward the voice and spotted none other than John Eliot (the Gardener), limping through the traffic toward me like he had just gotten a HIP implant.

"Be careful!" I said as an auto swerved around him. "I Wilbye there soon."

When I got to him, JEG didn't look well. "I was almost run over. I wonder if the driver of that Carissimi? But...but....OCKEGHEM!!"

"Bless you," I said.

"Sorry," was the reply. "I've had this contrefactum for days, and am only now re-Couperin. I got it from June Fillette, I'm Certon of that. And she has such a virginal face, too. I had hoped to get her into the sack-but that's not why I wanted to talk with you."

"What's the trouble then?" I asked.

"Well," said JEG, "I've just now heard the most tremendous rackett coming from the Church, which made my blood curtal. It sounded like someone singing, accompanied by some instrument I've never heard before. It gave me the feeling that it came from another world, so when I saw you, I thought that the two of us together could Handel whatever we find there."

"Thanks a lot, I was afraid you'd say that," I sighed.

As we approached the Church, (the Holy Madonna of Lower Yonkers, or as we all knew it, the Holy M.O.L.Y.), I became aware of a most unique music coming from inside. It literally chilled me down to my organum. I recognized that voice immediately! Dropping my bike, I ran to the church doors, pushed them open, ran up the balcony to the upper Tear, and found....The Infamous Herr Dr. Weghe! I immediately knew it was him from his most un-Rooley hair and the Perotin trousers he wore, as he stroked a strange little instrument that gave a most reedy timbre. And his Parrott-like singing voice combined with it in an absolutely diabolical fashion.

"Aha, we meet again, Doctor!" I exclaimed. "What is that instrument, and why are you here playing it?"

"My dear friend, it's a regal," the Doctor replied. "And since I Emma virtuoso, I will perform on it to pay my arrears and earn great acclaim and wealth. Here, let Machaut you how it works." But as he tried to Sheppard me over to the regal, I pulled my hand away. "Tallis what you will, Doctor, but I know better," I said. "It's really Pärt of your scheme to take over the World and eventually make everybody listen to accordion Music, isn't it?"

"You are much less of a Dunstable type than I would have imagined, sir," the Doctor replied. "But I Dufay you or anyone else to stop me!"

"Rommelpot! You're mad. Maybe I can't stop you," I retorted, "But the President of our early music society is Joe Skan, whom we call Da Prez. He'll make sure that nobody will Sweelinck your story. If what you do does P.A.N. out, you could earn a lot of lute. But if it doesn't, there will be no Haydn from us, because we can always Telemann in a lot O'Dette who's running from the Savall Renaissance Music for Posterity Society!"

"I would Figueras much," came the reply....

As we left the church, John Eliot and I were frustrated to say the least. Herr Weghe had made perfect LeClair his intentions. Dessus not what we had expected. "Canti be stopped?" John wondered. We knew of the hypnotic allure of his regal, and how it would be twelve short steps to forcing accordion music on everybody. "Let's go find our friend Mark Carpenter. He'll know how to proceed," I suggested just as the music we had heard in the church started again, but this time played on an accordion, and coming from the street. Then I saw Herr Weghe, playing as if he had no Kiehr in the world.

This music was definitely French Baroque, but with a strange familiar Latin beat underneath (dum, da-da-da dum, dum...). "That's some mean tone," John commented. Eventually, I was able to Pickett out as the infamous "Lully-Bolero". It made my head hurt to hear it, but I had no Asperen with me. Even worse, the effect it had on others made my hair Kerll. I watched as everyone on the street, including the neighborhood matriarchs Mrss. Rin and Ray (known to all as "Ma" Rin and "Ma" Ray) start dancing to the music's hypnotic beat. Not wanting to have a bransle on my hands, I shouted at Weghe, but instead of stopping his accordion, I watched him Huggett to his body as he ran down the sidewalk faster than a Byrd on the wing. Leaving John Eliot behind, I began to chase Herr Weghe.

Past the Cash 'n' Caurroy, over the Hill Yard and the Guarneri Bridge, through the Harnon Court we ran. Passing the Monument for the Dead of the Vibrato Wars, he eluded me by ducking into the Arbeauretum. I was nearly Besard myself when I spied a familiar figure, cigar sticking out of his mouth, in a rumpled, un-Rooley trenchcoat while Leonin on a streetpost. It was Lieutenant Sainte-Colombo, of the Visse Squad! "Can you help?" I called out. "You got it, Macque" he said, closing in behind me.

We entered the Arbeauretum, but our Hunt quickly Graun to a halt. Suddenly, we heard growling and barking ahead. Running through a stand of Bachswood trees, we found Herr Weghe cornered, Haydn his face from a stocky dog whose face and body were incredibly wrinkled. It Baird its teeth at Weghe as if it wanted to Goebel him up. I then noticed good ol' Mark Carpenter holding back the dog, which was evidently his. Soon, John Eliot and his friend June Fillette rode up on John's Italian motor scooter (John was famous for using olive oil in its crankcase, so it was naturally called the Vespa Della Beate Extra Vergine). "I wanted to find June to help on the chase," he explained. "I didn't know where she was, so I called and luckily was able to ricercar phone."

As Lt. Sainte-Colombo put on the handcuffs, Herr Weghe tried to explain. "Curses! I never Minter hurt anyone, but you people did Muffat for me--I just wanted to make some lute, that's all."

"Bull!" I said. "You may have taken a Schein to the money, but you fagott that regaling in public viol-ates the Lawes of good taste. And what's Morley, your plan for world dominants never diminished. I saw Eustache that accordion in your trousers when I chased you. Lawrence Weelkes you're not! You should Frye for this, but we'll have to be satisfied to Locke you up for good."

Later, we all met at the tavern owned by Joe Skan for ice-cold bottles of Heinichen and Watkins Ale. ["Da Prez" had built an artificial stream running through the place that turned a moaning mill water wheel, hence the tavern's name: Mill o' Regrets].

"Hautbois the way," Lt. Sainte-Colombo asked me, "How did you Tye Herr Weghe's dastardly plan to the music?"

"It wasn't easy," I replied. "I don't want tabor you with the de tailles, but I knew things weren't Picchi keen when John Eliot told me about the music he heard. I thought he'd went Encina ghost! But the 'Lully-Bolero' gave it all away. Still, I Otter give credit to you Mark, and your remarkable dog. Where did you get her?"

"Oh, you mean Ti-Yay," said Mark with a smile. "These Chinese Shar-Pei dogs are way too expensive for me to have Bott one myself. But my Aunt Montserrat won her in a raffle and gave the dog to me..."

Thus it was that Herr Weghe and his plans to conquer the world were thwarted, not least by Mark's Aunt-Won Shar-Pei Ti-Yay...


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## HerlockSholmes

Knock knock

Who's there?

Phillip Glass

Who?

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John Cage

Who?



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Repeat over and over for four minutes and thirty three seconds.


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## GoneBaroque

HerlockSholmes said:


> Knock knock
> 
> Phillip Glass
> 
> Repeat over and over for four minutes and thirty three seconds.


Using only three notes.


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## superhorn

What hideous flesh-eating monster is also a world-famous pianist ?

Why ALFRED GRENDEL, of course !


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## Ravellian

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft? A flat minor. 

What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base? A flat major. 

Why is an 11-foot concert grand better than a studio upright? Because it makes a much bigger kaboom when dropped over a cliff. 

Why was the piano invented? So the musician would have a place to put his beer. 

The audience at a piano recital were appalled when a telephone rang just off stage. Without missing a note the soloist glanced toward the wings and called, "If that's my agent, tell him I'm working!"


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## Weston

waldvogel said:


> A man walked into a CD shop and asked the owner if he could help him. He had purchased a box set of an English Classical composer at a rummage sale and the print on the CD labels was too fine for him to read. So he described the situation to the shopkeeper, and asked him if he might know who the composer was.
> 
> The shopkeeper answered: "Britten?"
> 
> "Yes, I've already told you it was an English composer."
> 
> The shopkeeper then remembered another box set that he had recently sold. "How about the Bax?"
> 
> "No, the backs of the discs are just silvery, with no writing at all."
> 
> Finally the shopkeeper tried one more time. "Tippett?"
> 
> "Thanks for your help. I've tried that already."


Might it play Bridge by any chance?


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## Researcher

It's by Vincent D'Indy


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## SuckerForWaltzes

A woman walks up to a conductor before the performance and asks:

"Excuse me, but will you be playing any Beethoven today?"

The conductor replies:

"I'm sorry miss, but today is my Bizet day."

:lol:


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## clavichorder

I came up with this one in conversation with someone, to which after they said their line, I caught it and said, "not pun intended."

"Do you have perfect pitch?

Why, I used to but now I'm not sure, my ear related abilities have *diminished*"

And this was after a music theory class.


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## Couchie

Knock knock

Who's there?

Phillip Glass

Red or White?

.......


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## Polednice

Somebody on this forum told a wonderful joke once about a bad conductor (re: electricity). Can you remind me of it?!


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## Meaghan

Polednice said:


> Somebody on this forum told a wonderful joke once about a bad conductor (re: electricity). Can you remind me of it?!


Ah! 'Twas I. It was on a jokes thread started by superhorn.

edit: found
http://www.talkclassical.com/13841-some-really-silly-jokes.html#post175442


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## Polednice

Meaghan said:


> Ah! 'Twas I. It was on a jokes thread started by superhorn.
> 
> edit: found
> http://www.talkclassical.com/13841-some-really-silly-jokes.html#post175442


I had a feeling it was you! Thanks!


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## Lunasong

Haydn's Chopin Liszt

Rossini and cheese
Schumann polish
Bern-n-stein remover
Satie mushrooms
batteries (Purcell)
BeethOVEN cleaner
Hummel microwave meals
orange Schubert
TchaiCOUGHsky drops
marshMahlers
Honey-nut Berlioz
Cui-tips
Chef Boyardee Raveli
sour cream and Ives
Strauss (straws)
chocolate Webers (wafers)
Del Monteverdi corn
Mozart-rella cheese
I Can't Believe it's not Rutter
Bach of serial (opera)
chicken Balakirev
new door Handel
Golden Brahms
Clemen-TEA
Little Debussy snack cakes
Oscar Meyerbeer bologna


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## aphyrodite

I've seen classical music lovers on tumblr using BACH YOU! instead of the usual F*** YOU.

Classy. Gonna try using that in rl.


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## Huilunsoittaja

I wouldn't call them lame, but a couple silly things happen once in a while in large ensemble rehearsal. One such little incident:

The conductor told the group, "Let's start at Rehearsal letter G. G as in..."
"Gnat!" some violinist interjects.
Everyone is a little confused.
But conductor goes on to say, "Well, I guess it's true it starts with G even though it doesn't _sound _like it." (or something like that, I can't remember exact words)
Small silence, someone goes "HAH HAH..."
That just sets everyone off.
:lol: Good times.


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## Olias

So a "G" a "Bb" and a "D" walk into a bar.......the bartender says: "Sorry we don't serve minors."


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## Olias

What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?

A bull has the horns in the front and the *** in the back.

<rim shot>

Thank you, tip your waitress.......or just knock her over.


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## peeyaj

*An Oldie but Goodie.. *

A company chairman was given a ticket for a performance of Schubert's Unfinished Symphony. Since he was unable to go, he passed the invitation to the company's Quality Assurance Manager.

The next morning, the chairman asked him how he enjoyed it and, instead of a few plausible observations, he was handed a memorandum:

*1. For a considerable period, the oboe players had nothing to do. Their number should be reduced, and their work spread over the whole orchestra, thus avoiding peaks of inactivity.

2. All twelve violins were playing identical notes. This seems unnecessary duplicative, and the staff of this section should be drastically cut. If a large volume of sound is really required, this could be obtained through the use of an amplifier.

3. Much effort was involved in playing the demi-semiquavers. This seems an excessive refinement, and it is recommended that all notes should be rounded up to the nearest semiquaver. If this were done, it would be possible to use trainees instead of craftsmen.

4. No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage that has already been handled by the strings. If all such redundant passages were eliminated, the concert could be reduced from two hours to twenty minutes.
*

In light of the above, one can only conclude that had Schubert given proper attention to these matters, he probably would have had the time to finish his symphony!


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## Fsharpmajor

I heard this one on the radio yesterday:

Q: What's the secret of success in classical music?

A: Always get the cheque before you go on.


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## Art Rock

Yesterday evening the Highschool band played Beethoven. Beethoven lost.


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## Crudblud

"Chopin is all over the place tonight."
"Oh, don't mind him, he's Liszt."

The above will make sense to approximately no one.


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## Dodecaplex

Who would have thought that this would be revived? :lol:


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## aphyrodite

Olias said:


> So a "G" a "Bb" and a "D" walk into a bar.......the bartender says: "Sorry we don't serve minors."


I love this.


----------



## DavidMahler

Why did Sibelius live such a long life?

Because he didn't want to be finnish

::crickets::

a DavidMahler original joke


----------



## DavidMahler

Why did Schubert hardly composed his 7th symphony?

So that his unfinished 8th would be considered "finished" by comparison

Joke or truth?


----------



## DavidMahler

It is speculated that had Mussorgsky lived to hear Ravel's grand orchestration of Pictures at an Exhibition, he wouldn't have liked it all too much.

After all Ravel wasn't Modest...


----------



## ComposerOfAvantGarde

These jokes make me cry. Some of the worst jokes I have ever seen in my life.


----------



## TrazomGangflow

I think this says it all.


----------



## Manok

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft? A flat minor.


----------



## ComposerOfAvantGarde

Manok said:


> What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft? A flat minor.


Heard it. Music teachers at school started telling the most terrible music jokes of all time. That was one of them.


----------



## Lunasong

C, E-flat and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve minors," and E-flat leaves. C and G have an open fifth between them and after a few drinks, G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me, I'll just be a second."

A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor and sends him out. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and shouts, "Get out now. You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."

Next night, E-flat, not easily deflated, comes into the bar in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says: "You're looking pretty sharp tonight. Come on in. This could be a major development." And in fact, E-flat takes off his suit and everything else and stands there au naturel. Eventually, C, who had passed out under the bar the night before, begins to sober up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest.

So, C goes to trial, is convicted of contributing to the diminution of a minor and sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an up scale correctional facility. The conviction is overturned on appeal, however, and C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.

The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, the soprano out in the bathroom and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest and closes the bar.


----------



## Lunasong

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the bassoon recital.

What do you call a successful musician?
A guy whose wife/girlfriend has 2 jobs.

What's a tuba for?
1-1/2" by 3-1/2".

Two drummers and a violinist decide to form a band. The three of them start playing, and the sound is just awful. One drummer turns to the other and says, "We sound terrible. I don't think this is going to work. Let's get rid of the violinist."

How long does a harp stay in tune?
About twenty minutes, or until someone opens the door.

What's the difference between violists and terrorists?
Terrorists have sympathizers.

Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
So you don't have to re-train the cellists.

One string bass player was so bad, even his section noticed.

How do you put a twinkle in a soprano's eye?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.

Where's a tenor's resonance?
Where his brain should be.

Why do violinists put a cloth between their chin and their instrument? 
Violins don't have spit valves.

"Haven't I seen your face before?" a judge demanded, looking down at the defendant. "You have, Your Honor," the man answered hopefully. "I gave your son violin lessons last winter." "Ah, yes," recalled the judge. "Twenty years."

The most valuable function performed by a Wagnerian opera is its ability to drown out a rock concert.

There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your musical talent. That time is age 11.

At a rehearsal, the conductor stops and shouts to the bass section: "You are out of tune. Check it, please!" The first bassist pulls all his strings, says, "Our tuning is correct: all the strings are equally tight." The first violist turns around and shouts, "You bloody idiot! It's not the tension. The pegs have to be parallel!"

What do you get when you play New Age music backwards? 
New Age music.

What's the difference between God and a conductor? 
God knows He's not a conductor.

Why did the Philharmonic disband? 
Excessive sax and violins.

String quartet: a good violinist, a bad violinist, an ex-violinist, and someone who hates violinists, all getting together to complain about composers.

Three violin manufactures have all done business for years on the same block in the small town of Cremona, Italy. After years of a peaceful co-existence, the Amati shop decided to put a sign in the window saying: "We make the best violins in Italy." The Guarneri shop soon followed suit, and put a sign in their window proclaiming: "We make the best violins in the world." Finally, the Stradivarius family put a sign out at their shop saying: "We make the best violins on the block."


----------



## Lunasong

Four cowboys are sitting on a mountain one night having a few cold ones around a campfire, one a tuba player, one a trumpet player, one a conductor, and the other a horn player.
The tuba player tosses an empty can of Budweiser into the air, whips out his gun, and shoots it, declaring "I just killed the king of beers!"
The trumpet player, not wanting to be outdone, tosses his empty can of Coors into the air, shoots it and declares "Ha! I just shot the silver bullet!"
The horn player, ever so suave, reaches into his pack, pulls out a bottle of Michelob, calmly drinks the whole thing, tosses his bottle into the air and shoots the conductor. Grinning broadly at his fellow players he says "Guys, it just doesn't get any better than this."


----------



## elgar's ghost

This is usually a banjo joke bit I'll tweak it in a sad attempt to be topical:

Q. What's the difference between a lute and and a bunch of onions?

A. No-one cries when they're chopping up a lute.


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## Lunasong

An orchestra is rehearsing a piece in which the tuba has a solo after 84 bars rest. At the point where the tuba should start the solo, nothing happens. So, the conductor stops and asks the tuba player why he didn't play. "I have 84 bars rest," says the tubist. 
To which the conductor replies, "But we are past those 84 bars already". 
The tubist: "How should I know that?"
The conductor replies, "You can count, can't you?"
The tubist: "Do you call that rest?"


----------



## mleghorn

What's brown and sits on a piano bench? Beethoven's last movement.

What was Beethoven's favorite fruit? Ba-na-na-nah! (sung to tune of opening to 5th symphony)

You wanted lame


----------



## Dodecaplex

This Herlock Sholmes character appears to have been very popular. Man, why do _I_ never get half as many likes as he does?


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## aphyrodite

I need to go Chopin, be Bach later.


----------



## elgar's ghost

Wagner eventually gets into heaven after waiting in Limbo for over 120 years. Bruckner, hanging about the gate, sees St. Peter let him in and is overjoyed - 'Master! You are here at last!' 'Yes, Bruckner, at last! Now I'm going to go in there and see what heaven is really like!' Wagner puffs himself up and goes strutting off into the mist but races back out about 10 seconds later and heads briskly towards the gate. Bruckner asks 'Master! What's wrong? You've been waiting over 120 years for this moment!' As Wagner races through the gate and back towards Limbo he shouts 'Yeah - and so have my creditors....'


----------



## Lunasong

Two musicians are walking down the street, and one says to the other, "Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?"
The other replies, "That was no piccolo, that was my fife."

A jazz trumpeter was hired as a last-minute replacement to do some solos with a symphony orchestra. Everything went fine through the first movement, when he had some really hair-raising solos, but in the second movement he started improvising madly when he wasn't supposed to play at all.
After the concert the conductor came round looking for an explanation. Said the trumpeter, "I looked in the score and it said 'tacit'--so I took it!"

How do you fix a broken tuba?
With a tuba glue.

Why is it good that drummers have a half-ounce more brains than horses?
So they don't disgrace themselves in parades.

A community orchestra was plagued by attendance problems. Several musicians were absent at each rehearsal. As a matter of fact, every player in the orchestra had missed several rehearsals, except for one very faithful oboe player. Finally, as the dress rehearsal drew to a close, the conductor took a moment to thank the oboist for her faithful attendance. She, of course, humbly responded, "It's the least I could do, since I won't be at the performance."

***
A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, I haven't had a bowel movement in a week!" The doctor gives him a prescription for a mild laxative and tells him, "If it doesn't work, let me know."
A week later the guy is back: "Doc, still no movement!"
The doctor says, "Hmm, guess you need something stronger," and prescribes a powerful laxative.
Still another week later the poor guy is back: "Doc, STILL nothing!"
The doctor, worried, says, "We'd better get some more information about you to try to figure out what's going on. What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a musician."
The doctor looks up and says, "Well, that's it! Here's $10.00. Go get something to eat!"


----------



## Lunasong

THE STAR SPANGLED BANNER FROM THE PERCUSSIONISTS’ PERSPECTIVE

Oh, say can you BOOM, CRASH
By the dawn's early BOOM, CRASH
What so proudly we BOOM, CRASH
At the twilight's last gleaming?
Whose broad stripes and bright BOOM, CRASH
Through the perilous BOOM, CRASH
O'er the ramparts we BOOM, CRASH
Were so gallantly streaming? 3 &
1...2...3...
2...2...3...
3...2...3...
4...2...3...
5...2...3...
6...2...3...
7...2...3...
8...2...Oh,
BOOM BOOM BOOM
BOOM BOOM BOOM
BOOM BOOM BOOM
BOOM BOOOOOMMMM; BOOM
BOOM BOOM BOOM
BOOM BOOOOOMMMM; BOOM
BOOM BOOM BOOM 
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!


----------



## Huilunsoittaja

:lol: You have some good ones Lunasong!


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## Lunasong

^^Thank you. You're only encouraging me.

What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.

Why are violins smaller than violas?
They really are the same size, but the violinists' heads are bigger.

Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
To get away from the sound.

Why is the French horn a divine instrument? 
Because a man blows in it, but only God knows what comes out of it.

How does a young man become a member of a high school chorus? 
On the first day of school he turns into the wrong classroom.
***

The below list is *Stuff You Should Know About Music* (stories and answers accumulated by music teachers in the State of Missouri)

Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music.

Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you better not try to sing.

A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.

John Sebastian Bach died from 1750 to the present.

Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was rather large.

Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling him. I guess he could not hear so good. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died from this.

Henry Purcell is a well known composer few people have ever heard of.

Aaron Copland is one of your most famous contemporary composers.
It is unusual to be contemporary. Most composers do not live until they are dead.

An opera is a song of bigly size.

In the last scene of Pagliacci, Canio stabs Nedda who is the one he really loves. Pretty soon Silvio also gets stabbed, and they all live happily ever after.

When a singer sings, he stirs up the air and makes it hit any passing eardrums. But if he is good, he knows how to keep it from hurting.

Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel.

I know what a sextet is but I had rather not say.

Caruso was at first an Italian. Then someone heard his voice and said he would go a long way. And so he came to America.

A good orchestra is always ready to play if the conductor steps on the odium.

Morris dancing is a country survival from times when people were happy.

Most authorities agree that music of antiquity was written long ago.

Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields and McCoys.

My very best liked piece of music is the Bronze Lullaby.

My favorite composer is Opus.

A harp is a nude piano.

A tuba is much larger than its name.

Instruments come in many sizes, shapes and orchestras.

You should always say celli when you mean there are two or more cellos.

Another name for kettle drums is timpani. But I think I will just stick with the first name and learn it good.

A trumpet is an instrument when it is not an elephant sound.

While trombones have tubes, trumpets prefer to wear valves.

The double bass is also called the bass viol, string bass, and bass fiddle. It has so many names because it is so huge.

When electric currents go through them, guitars start making sounds. So would anybody.

Question: What are kettle drums called? Answer: Kettle drums.

Cymbals are round, metal CLANGS!

A bassoon looks like nothing I have ever heard.

Last month I found out how a clarinet works by taking it apart. I both found out and got in trouble.

Question: Is the saxophone a brass or a woodwind instrument?
Answer: Yes.

The concertmaster of an orchestra is always the person who sits in the first chair of the first violins. This means that when a person is elected concertmaster, he has to hurry up and learn how to play a violin real good.

For some reason, they always put a treble clef in front of every line of flute music. You just watch.

I can't reach the brakes on this piano!

The main trouble with a French horn is it's too tangled up.

Anyone who can read all the instrument notes at the same time gets to be the conductor.

Instrumentalist is a many-purposed word for many player-types.

The flute is a skinny-high shape-sounded instrument.

The most dangerous part about playing cymbals is near the nose.

A contra-bassoon is like a bassoon, only more so.

Tubas are a bit too much.

Music instrument has a plural known as orchestra.

I would like for you to teach me to play the cello. Would tomorrow or Friday be best?

My favorite instrument is the bassoon. It is so hard to play people seldom play it. That is why I like the bassoon best.

It is easy to teach anyone to play the maracas. Just grip the neck and shake him in rhythm.

Just about any animal skin can be stretched over a frame to make a pleasant sound once the animal is removed.


----------



## Lunasong

Why did Bach have so many kids?
He had no stops on his organ.

What's the difference between a seamstress and a violist? 
One tucks up frills and the other one ... 

A composition student said that he would like to write a passacaGlia for his next assignment.
Schoenberg said, "Oh, no! The word is passacaglia. The G is silent."
The following week, Schoenberg looked at the student's composition and said, "What is this? There are only eleven tones in the row."
The student said, "But last week, I thought you said the G was silent."


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## Lunasong

TrazomGangflow said:


> View attachment 2877


A screenwriter was writing a movie about Mozart, and he wanted Arnold Schwarzenegger to play him. The former Terminator read the script and said, "I don't really want to play Mozart right now. But if you change the script a little bit, I'll be Bach."


----------



## Lunasong

Viola Jokes (pre-approved by violadude)

Why is a Viola like a lawsuit?
Everyone is happy when the case is closed.

What's the latest new crime wave in New York?
Drive-by Viola recitals.

Why do Viola players keep their cases on their car dashboard?
So they can park in handicapped spaces.

What's the difference between a Viola and a lawnmower?
You don't pour gasoline ON the lawnmower.

How do you go about transcribing a Violin piece for Viola?
Transpose the notes down a fifth, and make sure all the notes are playable in first position...
Divide the metronome marking by 2.
Change all 16th notes to 8ths; take out all the 32nd notes.
Finally, mark the part "OPTIONAL; PLAY ONLY IF THERE ARE NO BAGPIPES, KAZOOS, ACCORDIONS, STEEL GUITARS, OR BOWED SAWS PRESENT"

What happens when a Viola player dies?
They move him back one or two chairs, but only if he is sitting at the front desk.

Why does a Viola burn longer than a Violin?
Because the Viola is usually still in the case.
***


If you rearrange the letters in some famous composer names... what do you get? Read on...

~~~

Antonín Leopold Dvořák

Contains the hidden message

NO! DO NOT LEARN VIOLA!

~~~

Heitor Villa-Lobos

contains the hidden message

He boos viola trill

~~

Nicolai Rimsky-Korsakov

contains the hidden message

OK man, rock viola is risky!

~~~

Peter Illyich Tchaikovsky

contains the hidden message

Check viola key: triply sh**!

~~~

Ludwig Van Beethoven

contains the hidden message

Dun't neveh' be viola!
***

There once was a fine young Viola soloist named Noah Billity. He decided to join a famous New England orchestra, and he made 2nd chair (assistant principal). 

At the first rehearsal, the conductor heard some crying going on during the first piece they were playing. He looked around, and realized young Noah was bawling tears. The conductor asked, "What's wrong, Noah?"

The Violist promptly responded, "I think something is wrong with my viola..."

The second violinist next to him looked over and began laughing. The violist and the violinist shared a muted conversation that nobody overheard.

The violist spoke again, "He un-tuned my viola!"

The conductor then said, "okay, well, you can tune it back up now, Noah..."

To this, the violist replied, "I can't... he won't tell me which string he un-tuned!"

Then a violist from the desk behind them said, cheerfully, "that's okay... just look for the peg that isn't parallel with the others!"

After the rehearsal, the conductor informed Noah Billity that he was to become the principal violist in the orchestra.

"Wow," said Noah, "why did you promote me?"

The conductor responded, "because you have a lot of potential... you were partially able to recognize that your viola was not in tune! That's amazing, Noah!"


----------



## Lunasong

The piano player went into a bar but kept fidgeting so much that he could not enjoy his drink. Finally the bartender asked him what was wrong. The piano player replied, "My keys, my keys! I can't seem to find my keys!"

Did you hear about the pianist who kept banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.

A pianist and singer are rehearsing "Autumn Leaves" for a concert and the pianist says:
"OK. We will start in G minor and then on the third bar, modulate to B major and go into 5/4. When you get to the bridge, modulate back down to F# minor and alternate a 4/4 bar with a 7/4 bar. On the last A section go into double time and slowly modulate back to G minor."
The singer says: "Wow, I don't think I can remember all of that."
The pianist says: "Well, that's what you did last time."

At a posh wedding reception in Beverly Hills the pianist falls into the swimming pool. The pianist flails furiously while calling for help, yelling, "Help me! I can't swim!" One of the other guests who happens to be at the poolside says "So? I can't play the piano and you didn't hear me complaining."

One of the hazards of being a pianist: people dropping money in my drinks.


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## ComposerOfAvantGarde

What's with all the anti-viola jokes?!?!?!? :scold:


----------



## mleghorn

aphyrodite said:


> I need to go Chopin, be Bach later.


Don't forget to bring your Chopin Liszt.


----------



## Dodecaplex

HerlockSholmes said:


> Knock knock
> 
> Who's there?
> 
> Phillip Glass
> 
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> Repeat over and over for four minutes and thirty three seconds.


Oh God, you're so funny. Such a funny guy, aren't you? Yes, you're very funny. Please keep saying funny things, funny guy.


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## mleghorn

Lunasong said:


> You should always say celli when you mean there are two or more cellos.


Very funny (I need ten or more characters, so here: abcdefghijklmnop...)


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## FrankieP

Hey caminante, walk down my road?
No, no thanks.


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## ComposerOfAvantGarde

Dodecaplex said:


> Oh God, you're so funny. Such a funny guy, aren't you? Yes, you're very funny. Please keep saying funny things, funny guy.


That sentence reminds me of the structure of a piece by Michael Nyman.


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## Dodecaplex

ComposerOfAvantGarde said:


> That sentence reminds me of the structure of a piece by Michael Nyman.


I thought no one would notice.


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## LordBlackudder

did you hear about the one armed pianist?

he was a real head banger.


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## aphyrodite

mleghorn said:


> Don't forget to bring your Chopin Liszt.


I didn't follow my Liszt, and now I'm Baroque.


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## ComposerOfAvantGarde

LordBlackudder said:


> did you hear about the one armed pianist?
> 
> he was a real head banger.


I don't get it.


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## Lunasong

Last night's concert reminded me of the joke:

_The middle school band played Beethoven last night.

Beethoven lost._


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## ComposerOfAvantGarde

Lunasong said:


> Last night's concert reminded me of the joke:
> 
> _The middle school band played Beethoven last night.
> 
> Beethoven lost._


The high school band played *Ligeti* last night.

The band lost. :lol:


----------



## aphyrodite

Woman, are you on fire? 

Because you're too hot to Handel.


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## Lunasong




----------



## Lunasong

Lunasong said:


> C, E-flat and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve minors," and E-flat leaves. C and G have an open fifth between them and after a few drinks, G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me, I'll just be a second."
> 
> A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor and sends him out. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and shouts, "Get out now. You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."
> 
> Next night, E-flat, not easily deflated, comes into the bar in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says: "You're looking pretty sharp tonight. Come on in. This could be a major development." And in fact, E-flat takes off his suit and everything else and stands there au naturel. Eventually, C, who had passed out under the bar the night before, begins to sober up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest.
> 
> So, C goes to trial, is convicted of contributing to the diminution of a minor and sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an up scale correctional facility. The conviction is overturned on appeal, however, and C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.
> 
> The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, the soprano out in the bathroom and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest and closes the bar.


F made a brief appearance before G was out, but he was flattened by other patrons' demands for a resolution. G got in that condition because he kept saying, 'repeat'. I just like to get to the root of things.

The bartender could have left things in the hands of his assistants, since he has such a grand staff.


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## Lunasong

ComposerOfAvantGarde said:


> What's with all the anti-viola jokes?!?!?!? :scold:


----------



## Lunasong

A priest and a horn player reach the gates of Heaven. The horn player is admitted, while the priest is not. "Why?" asks the bewildered priest. "When you preach, everybody falls asleep, whereas when the horn player is due, everybody prays!"

What's the difference between a trombone and a lawnmower?
It's easier to find work in the summer with a lawnmower.

A musical reviewer admitted he always praised the first show of a new theatrical season: "Who am I to stone the first cast?"

What do you call a person who plays the viola? A violator.

Why did they bury the conductor 20 feet under? 
Because deep down, he was a really nice guy.

How many times does a horn player laugh at a joke? - Once, when he hears it. 
How many times does a trumpet player laugh at a joke? - Twice; once when he hears it and again when he gets it. 
How many times does a tuba player laugh at a joke - Three times: once when he hears it, once when it's explained to him and once when he gets it. 
How many times does a percussionist laugh at a joke? - He doesn't. He starts a fight because he thinks everyone is laughing at him.

What's half of a tuba? A one-ba!

What do you get when 20 violinists start playing at the same time but play different songs? A senseless act of violins.

*Musical Definitions*
*Da Capo Al Fine*: I like your hat!
*Crescendo*: A reminder to the performer that he has been playing too loudly.
*Con Brio*: Performed with scouring pads and washboards.
*Time Signature*: what you need from your boss if you forget to clock in.
*Glissando*: The musical equivalent of slipping on a banana peel.
*Cadenza*: Something that happens when you forget what the composer wrote.
*Transpositions*: Men who wear dresses.
*Conductor*: A person who, standing in front of the orchestra and/or chorus, is able to follow them precisely.
*Basso Continuo*: When musicians are still fishing long after the legal season has ended.
*French Horn*: Your wife says you smell like a cheap one when you come in at 4 a.m.


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## Moira

A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."

Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm?
A: A tattoo.

Q: What do you call a drummer in a three-piece suit?
A: "The Defendant"

Q: What do clarinetists use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Q: What did the drummer get on his I.Q. Test?
A: Saliva.

Q: What do call a guitar player without a girlfriend?
A: Homeless.


----------



## Barelytenor

What's the difference in Aïda and a Presbyterian?

Aïda: Mai più
Presbyterian: My pew


----------



## Moira

Why do tenors have more beautiful voices than baritones?
Because they have resonance where baritones have brains.


----------



## ComposerOfAvantGarde

Lunasong said:


>


As of this moment I hate Google.


----------



## Lunasong

*Math Test for Orchestra Members*

(From conductor Gary Berkson, Stockholm)

Georgine is tired of paying for clarinet reeds. If she adopts a policy of playing only on rejected reeds from her colleagues will she be able to retire on the money she has saved if she invests it in mutual bonds, yielding 8.7%, before she is fired from her job? If not, calculate the probability of her ever working in a professional symphony orchestra again.

Jethro has been playing the double bass in a symphony orchestra for twelve years, three months and seven days. Each day, his inclination to practice decreases by the equation:
(Total days in the orchestra) x .000976
Assuming he stopped practicing altogether four years, six months and three days ago, how long will it be before he is completely unable to play the double bass?

Wilma plays in the second violin section, but specializes in making disparaging remarks about conductors and other musicians. The probability of her making a negative comment about any given musician is 4 chances in 7, and for conductors is 16 chances in 17. If there are 103 musicians in the orchestra and the orchestra sees 26 different conductors a year, how many negative comments does Wilma make in a two-year period? How does this change if five of the musicians are also conductors? What if six of the conductors are also musicians?

Horace is the General Manager of an important symphony orchestra. He tries to hear at least four concerts a year. Assuming that at each concert the orchestra plays a minimum of three pieces per concert, what are the chances that Horace can avoid hearing a single work by Mozart, Beethoven or Brahms in the next ten years?

Betty plays in the viola section. Despite her best efforts she is unable to play with the rest of the orchestra and, on average, plays .3528 seconds behind the rest of the viola section, which is already .16485 seconds behind the rest of the orchestra. If the orchestra is moving into a new concert hall with a reverberation time of 2.7 seconds, will she be able to continue playing this way undetected?

Ralph loves to drink coffee. Each week he drinks three more cups of coffee than Harold, who drinks exactly one third the amount that the entire brass section consumes in beer. How much longer is Ralph going to live?

Rosemary is unable to play in keys with more than three sharps or flats without making an inordinate number of mistakes. Because her colleagues in the cello section are also struggling in these passages she has so far been able to escape detection. What is the total number of hours they would all have to practice to play the complete works of Richard Strauss?


----------



## ComposerOfAvantGarde

^^^My brain is about to explode.


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## Lunasong

Watch.


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## Badinerie

> Betty plays in the viola section. Despite her best efforts she is unable to play with the rest of the orchestra and, on average, plays .3528 seconds behind the rest of the viola section, which is already .16485 seconds behind the rest of the orchestra. If the orchestra is moving into a new concert hall with a reverberation time of 2.7 seconds, will she be able to continue playing this way undetected?


Too Funny!


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## Lunasong

The following concerns a concert harpist at the Boston Symphony Orchestra. 

The conductor at the time was William Steinberg, who insisted on very formal rehearsals. Musicians were expected to be early, so that the rehearsal started exactly on time, and wearing a suit and tie.

This harpist was getting tired of the small parts his instrument got in most symphonic works. One evening over drinks, a friend of his named Sam Frank invited the harpist to play at his club.

So the harpist showed up with his harp and played some background music for the early patrons before the band arrived. When the other musicians (a small jazz combo) arrived, they asked the harpist to sit in with them. It was meant as a joke, but he took them up on it. 

Soon, the harpist was be-bopping right along with the combo. People were dancing, drinks were flowing, and the music was moving. It was the best gig the harpist had ever been a part of.

Unfortunately, the harpist did not keep track of the time. And when the gig ended, he went to an after-hours club with the other musicians. He eventually stumbles home in the wee hours of the morning. He stumbles into bed without changing, and hits the snooze alarm a few too many times mere hours later.

Eventually he realizes his predicament, rushes to Symphony Hall and hurtles into the rehearsal room just as Steinberg is taking his place.

Steinberg is not impressed. The harpist is unshaven, unshowered, and wearing yesterday's disheveled clothes. "Please take your place at your instrument," he instructs. "Speaking of which, where is your instrument?"

"Oh, no!" the horrified harpist exclaims. "I left my harp in Sam Frank's disco!"

***

Q) What do pirates and sopranos have in common?
A) They're both murder on the high Cs.

A Martian walks into a music store and says " take me to your lieder "

Q) What's the difference between a viola and a vacuum cleaner?
A) You have to plug in the vacuum cleaner for it to suck.

***

A woman had gone a long, long time without so much as the hope of a relationship. When she finally picked up a good-looking guy and went out with him, her friends were curious as to how it went.

"What's he like?" a friend asked.

"Oh.. he's fine, I guess. He's a musician, you know."

"Did he have class?"

"Well.. most of the time, yes. But I don't think I'll be going out with him again."

"Oh, why not?"

"Well, he plays the French horn, so I guess it's just habit, but every time we kiss, he sticks his fist in my rear!"


----------



## Lunasong

Reprise of a joke told earlier.


The world's best and most famous conductor made a small mistake while conducting the New York Symphony Orchestra. The audience didn't notice, the orchestra didn't notice either, but he knew he'd made the mistake and decided that he should retire. Once the performance had finished, he turned and faced the audience and said: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is my last performance as a world-class conductor. I'm now announcing my retirement."

After a few minutes' silence from the shocked audience and orchestra, he was greeted with boos and hisses. He walked from the stage, only to be met by his manager, standing in between two gorilla-sized bodyguards. "Oh no, you don't," his manager said, "you're not retiring."

Forced back to work by his manager, he endured week after week of conducting he no longer wanted to do. While lying in bed one night with his wife of many years, he turned to her and said: "Dear, would you be able to get me a small handgun?" "Yes, dear," she said, and he rolled over and went to sleep.

Sure enough, at his next performance, the conductor had a small handgun concealed in his jacket. Once the concert had finished, he turned to the audience and said: "I'm announcing my retirement for the second time. This is my last performance."

The tuba player from the orchestra stood up and shouted, "You can't be serious!" and the conductor whipped out his handgun and shot the tuba player dead. It wasn't long before the police arrived and the conductor was taken away.

Days later, the conductor was taken to court. "How do you plead to the charge of first-degree murder?" the judge inquired. "Guilty, your Honor," the conductor replied. "Do you realize the sentence for first-degree murder in this state is death by electrocution?" the judge asked. The conductor thought for a moment, but came to the conclusion that death would surely be better than continuing on like he was. "Yes, your Honor," the conductor said.

While being strapped into the electric chair, one of the guards came to the conductor and said: "You may have one last request before we terminate your life. What would you like?" After pondering a few seconds, the conductor replied: "A silver platter with a dozen bananas." His request was granted, and the conductor ate the bananas.

The room was emptied, and the switch was flicked. The conductor's hair stood on end, but he survived! As one guard was about to flick the switch again, he was stopped. "He survived the chair, and the law says we have to let him go."

The conductor left the building, only to be greeted by his manager and the two gorilla-sized bodyguards. "Back to work," his manager said.

More weeks of forced conducting went by. Lying in bed again one night with his wife, he asked: "Dear, could you get me a grenade?" "Yes, dear," she replied.

At the next performance, the conductor waited until the end of the concert, the grenade tucked neatly in his undies. "For the third time, I'm announcing my retirement!" he yelled. He took out the grenade, pulled the pin, and threw it into the audience. The grenade exploded, killing 23 members of the crowd. The police arrived, and he was taken away again.

"You again?" asked the judge. "I thought I'd sentenced you to death not long ago." The conductor shrugged. "Okay, how do you plead to 23 counts of first-degree murder?" the judge asked. "Guilty to all counts," replied the conductor.

While the settings were changed to triple the voltage of the current going to the chair, the conductor was granted another last request. "A silver platter with two dozen bananas," was his answer. He ate the bananas, the room was evacuated, and the switch was flicked.

It appeared that they'd managed to kill him this time, but the conductor regained consciousness when they were about to remove his body. His manager and the two gorilla-sized bodyguards were waiting for him as he left the building. "Back to work!"

The weeks dragged on, and the conductor couldn't take it any more. "Dear, could you get me a missile launcher?" he asked his wife as they lay in bed. "Yes, dear," she replied.

He didn't even wait for the concert to start. "F#ck yas all!" he screamed, and launched a missile into the New York Symphony Orchestra, killing all 190 band members. The army was called in this time, and he was dragged away.

"Jesus Christ, you again? You're supposed to be DEAD!" the judge roared. The conductor just shrugged. "May I ask how you plead for 190 counts of first-degree murder?" "Guilty as sin!" the conductor screamed. "The b*stards deserved it!" He was hauled away.

A public announcement was issued to all local residents warning that there would be a short cut in the power. Meanwhile, the city's electrical engineers were busy rerouting a massive dose of voltage into the electric chair. Once again, the conductor was granted a last request. "Three dozen bananas on a silver platter," he said.

He ate the bananas, the building was completely vacated, and the electric chair was activated by remote control, some two kilometres away. The building exploded, reducing it to rubble. They fished through the ruins to find the conductor's ruined body.

His funeral was held some days later, and as the casket was being lowered into the grave, there was a knock on the coffin lid. Women fainted as the conductor crawled out of the coffin -- alive!

He was taken to a large press conference. One reporter stood up and asked, "You've survived three visits to the electric chair. How did you do it?"

"I've tried telling people before," he said. "I'm just a bad conductor."


----------



## Huilunsoittaja

^^^ I've known the short story, but it's cool to have read the "extended version" :lol:


----------



## superhorn

What's the longest viola joke ? Harold in Italy !

Blooper on a music test in junior high school : "My favorite classical piece is the Taco Bell canon".

What's the difference between a horn player and a Scud missle ? The Scud missle is more accurate !

What's the difference between a conductor and a bull ? The orchestra has the horns in the rear and the 
the ^%$#@ up front .

What's the difference betweena conductor and Dr. School's products ? Dr. Scholl's bucks up the feet , and a conductor . . . .

What's the differencde between a coloratura soprano and a seamstress ? A seamstress tucks between 
frills, and a coloratura soprano . . . . 








:lol: :lol: :lol:


----------



## Lunasong




----------



## Lunasong

There once was a pirate named Ford
who chopped up a piano with his sword.
But the kindling he sought
would better have been bought,
for he found all he got was a chord.

Recently seen on a T-shirt:
"Please don't tell my Mom I'm a piano teacher.
She thinks I play piano in a whorehouse."

Q) Why was the piano player arrested?
A) Because he got into treble.

My dad bought my mom a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, I asked how she was doing with it.
“Oh,” said my dad, “I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet.”
“How come?” I asked.
“Well,” he answered, “because with a clarinet, she can’t sing….”

Mrs. Smith needed to have her piano tuned so she asked a friend for a recommendation. She then made an appointment with the piano tuner, Mr. Oppernockity. He arrived 2 days later, tuned the piano satisfactorily, and left. Several days later Mrs. Smith noticed that the piano was terribly out of tune again. She called the tuner to complain about the tuning and to ask for a return visit to solve the problem. However, the tuner replied, “I’m sorry ma’am, but Oppernockity only tunes once!”

Bach chorale: the place behind the barn where you keep the horses.

Why do people tremble with fear when someone comes into a bank carrying a violin case? 
They think he's carrying a machine gun and might be about to use it. 
Why do people tremble with fear when someone comes into a bank carrying a viola case? 
They think he's carrying a viola and might be about to use it. 

A man and his son were walking through a cemetery. The boy asked, "Daddy, do they bury two people in the same grave?"
The father said, "Two people? Let me look."
So the father took a look, and sure enough, the marker said, "Here lies a symphony conductor and a humble man."

A viola player was returning from a gig, and, feeling tired, decided to stop at a roadside cafe for a rest and a cup of coffee. Halfway through the cup he remembered he'd left his viola on the passenger's seat of the car. He rushed outside... but it was too late... someone had broken the window and put two more violas on the rear seat!

***

As a result of Mr. Brian Hunt's recent article titled "Please Turn Down the Orchestra," a survey of orchestral players was undertaken. The object was to determine whether or not, in the opinion of the players, orchestras have become too loud.
This question was asked: "Do you, as a professional orchestral musician think that orchestras have become too loud, and if so, how has this affected you personally?" Following, in score order, are some typical responses.

1. Flutist: "Yes, most decidedly. In fact the situation has deteriorated to the point that I am actually looking forward to being demoted to 3rd flute and piccolo where I will be able to make myself heard, at least on the picc.."

2. Oboist: "I think so. I have trouble keeping up as far as volume is concerned. I have finally resorted to two pieces of cedar shakes tied together to make a reed and the conductor still keeps asking for more."

3. Clarinetist: "Perhaps. The conductor has asked me to stand up on all solos so that the audience will notice me. I am also using one of those new titanium reeds. The tone is a bit metallic, but it does cut through the mass of string sound. I suppose the strings could play softer. I don't know; they have never been asked to."

4. Bassoonist: "I really don't know. I didn't show up for the last three concerts and nobody seemed to notice."

5. Hornist: "If he wants it louder, he should hire more horn players!"

6. Trumpet player: "I think we should play louder, faster, and put it up an octave."

7. Trombonist: "I really don't care. Just wake me up when we get to the last movement. By the way, where is the party after the concert?"

8. Tuba player: "I've never thought about it. What I want to know is why I'm not allowed to wear my lederhosen at concerts. After all, I am principal of the section!"

9. Percussionist: "What?"

10. First violinist. "No, I don't think so. When the brass come in we don't have to worry about intonation in the fiddle section. I don't know what's going on in the seconds. There are times when I can't hear them at all."

11. Second violinist: "Perhaps Things have become a bit more complicated. I now use two bows, one for the soft spots and another for when the brass come in. I use soap on that one instead of rosin."

12. Violist: "Duh?"

13. Cellist: "Well I guess so. At least we have had to play louder since the bassoons stopped showing up."

14. Double bassist: "I don't know about the rest of the orchestra but all we can hear back here is that damn tuba. We all chipped in and bought that big guy a tuba with the bell aimed the other direction, but he won't use it. If we allowed him to wear his lederhosen would he play softer?"


----------



## Lunasong

A violist comes home late at night to discover fire trucks, police cars, and a smoking crater where his house used to be. The chief of police comes over to him and tells him, "While you were out, the conductor came to your house, killed your family, and burned the house down." The violist replied, "You're kidding! The conductor came to my house?"


Q: Why can't you hear a viola on a digital recording?
A: Recording technology has reached such an advanced level of development that all extraneous noise is eliminated.

Q: Why shouldn't violists take up mountaineering?
A: Because if they get lost, it takes ages before anyone notices that they're missing.

Q: What is the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before you jump on the trampoline.

Conductor: Again from measure 5, if you please. Voice from viola section: But Maestro, we have no measure numbers.

Q: What is the difference between the first and last desk of a viola section?
A: Half a measure.

Viola Player: Did you hear my last recital? Friend: I hope so.


----------



## Lunasong

Ancient proverb: If thine enemy wrong thee, buy each of his children a drum. 

Q: Why was the musician arrested? 
A: He was in treble 

Q: What is another term for trombone? 
A: A wind driven, manually operated, pitch approximator. 

Q: What’s the definition of perfect pitch? 
A: When you toss a viola in the garbage and it hits an oboe. 

Q: What's the difference between an oboe and a bassoon? 
A: You can hit a baseball further with a bassoon. 

Q: How does a violist's brain cell die? 
A: Alone. 

Q: Why do people play trombone? 
A: Because they can't move their fingers and read music at the same time. 

Did you hear about the Tenor who was so arrogant the other Tenors noticed? 

Q: Why can't voice majors have colostomies? 
A: Because they can't find shoes to match the bag. 

Q: How do you get a clarinetist out of a tree? 
A: Cut the noose 

Q: What do you call a musician with a college degree? 
A: Night manager at McDonalds


----------



## Lunasong

The Mozart Effect: Makes a child smarter and more mathematical along with a higher IQ 

The Haydn Effect: Child is witty and quick on his feet, quite often bringing a grin to the faces of those around him. Despite this he exhibits remarkable humility. 

The Bach Effect: Child memorizes Scripture and says his prayers every day; may overwhelm listeners with his speech. 

The Handel Effect: Much like the Bach Effect; in addition, the child may exhibit dramatic behavior. 

The Beethoven Effect: Child develops a superiority complex and is prone to violent tantrums; is a perfectionist. 

The Liszt Effect: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important 

The Bruckner Effect: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains a reputation for profundity. 

The Grieg Effect: This child is quirky yet cheery. May be prone toward Norwegian folklore. 

The Wagner Effect: Child becomes a megalomaniac. Speaks for six hours at a stretch. 

The Schoenberg Effect: Child never repeats a word until he has used all the other words in his vocabulary. Sometimes talk backwards or upside-down. Eventually people stop listening to him. Child blames them for their inability to understand him. 

The Ives Effect: Child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once. 

The Stravinsky Effect: Child is prone to savage, guttural and profane outbursts that lead to fighting and pandemonium in preschool. 

The Shostakovich Effect: Child only expresses themselves in parent-approved ways. 

The Cage Effect: Childs says exactly nothing for 4 minutes and 33 seconds. Preferred by 9 out of 10 classroom teachers. 

The Glass Effect: Child repeats one word over, and over, and over, and over....


----------



## BurningDesire

Hey guys! What do you get when a piano falls down a mine shaft?! 8D

A-flat miner! XD


----------



## Lunasong

It's hard to believe that the Pentagon website contains this surprisingly un-PC sub-section listing of some more obscure WMD's (Weapons of Mass Destruction): The following is a list of more obscure forms of domestic "Band" Weapons of Mass Destruction. These are the most insidious and dangerous weapons of all. To the common layperson, they appear innocuous and non-lethal, but in the right hands, they present a threat of incalculable proportions. Please read the following and heed all precautions therewith. 

PICCOLO: the minute dimensions of this weapon make it especially lethal as it is easily concealed and can be set off just about anywhere. As a solo weapon, this device emits a high-pitched squeal that directly targets the inner ear. The application of this tone temporarily disorients its intended victim rendering him unable to react. The natural reaction of covering one's ears to reduce the intense pain causes military personnel within a 100 yard radius to drop their weapons leaving them defenseless to further attack. Applied in concert with a second piccolo of slightly higher or lower pitch, the weapons produce the effect of an ice pick through the eardrum and may cause profuse bleeding of the aural cavity. These weapons are constructed in three forms; metal, composite materials, wood, or any combination of the three. The all-metal piccolos are especially lethal. The only countermeasure to this weapon is to apply psychological warfare in the following manner. Compliment the musician on her: clothes/hair/shoes. This will distract the musician(s) from emitting her deadly tones and cause her to gab endlessly about herself. This in itself takes us to another problem man has dealt with for a thousand years and to which there is no antidote. Good Luck! 

FLUTE: Slightly less effective as the piccolo but still nothing to be trifled with. The flute possesses the same destructive qualities as the piccolo but is required in greater numbers to do so. Sixth and seventh grade females are especially effective with this weapon and are to be approached with extreme caution. 

OBOE: This weapon may appear harmless at first sight. The instrument's stealth qualities lure its intended victims into a false state of security, and then hit them without mercy. The oboe itself is a harmless composite or wooden conical tube. Once the ordnance (reed) is inserted, it is a weapon of tremendous power. One comforting factor is that the oboe is only as dangerous as the musician who wields it. At first glance, the operator of the oboe appears sweet, demure, and quite approachable. Do not be fooled by this deception. The oboist is actually a very high strung and temperamental foe. This mania is caused by the perpetual search for the perfect reed, which we all know doesn't exist. Those who play on plastic reeds are the bottom dwellers of the oboe world and are especially dangerous. The oboe is capable of producing a tone of laser-like quality. The sheer capabilities of volume produced can overpower an entire concert band. The resulting backpressure produced by over blowing has a two-way effect. It allows the musician to play seemingly forever on one breath resulting in sympathetic vibrations causing bulletproof glass and diamonds to shatter into deadly flying shards. The warning signs of impending doom occur when the musician raises the body of the instrument to her mouth to blow dust from under a key. This is how the weapon is cocked. If you ever see an oboist do this, run for cover my friend, for all Hell is about to break loose. The second effect of this weapon's backpressure is to cause its owner to eventually go insane. On rare occasions an oboist's head has been known to explode while firing their weapon. The only countermeasure to this weapon is to remove and professionally destroy the ordnance (reed). Doing so will also incur the wrath of its owner, so use extreme caution. 

Eb CLARINET: The Eb clarinet is the Tasmanian Devil of the woodwind family. Entirely uncontrollable and unpredictable, its blunderbuss like emissions can occur without warning. It is as much a danger to its owner as it is to the intended victim. For this reason the Eb clarinet is not in wide use today and only used by highly trained professionals and circus band daredevils. 

Bb CLARINET: As the flute is to the piccolo, the Bb Clarinet is to the Eb Clarinet. The only time a Bb clarinet is considered truly dangerous is in the hands of a saxophonist doubling on clarinet. His seemingly lacking ability to adjust his air to the clarinet causes a tone so forced and horrific that decorum prevents me from continuing. 

ALTO, BASS, CONTRA BASS CLARINET: The Scud missiles of the clarinet family. Considered low-grade weapons, these clarinets are of limited lethality due to the extreme geekiness of their operators. 

BASSOON: This is a weapon designed to start wars. Used primarily indoors, this weapon's unique tone can cause great embarrassment in social situations. Also known as the "farting bed post" the bassoonist will hide behind a set of curtains at an official state dinner or similar function. With the help of a diplomatic operative during the meal, the intermittent flatulent tones emitted by the bassoon can be blamed on certain visiting high government officials, causing great embarrassment and the possible beginning of hostilities between two countries. The best countermeasure to the bassoon involves lighter fluid and matches (you fill in the blanks). 

SOPRANO SAXOPHONE: (See Kenny G) AHHHHHHHHHRGHHH!!!!! 

ALTO SAX: Originally invented by Adolph Sax as the result of an evening of much cheap wine and a dare by a drunken horn player, the instrument he produced is neither brass nor woodwind. The only intended victim of this vile weapon is the concert band French horn player. Nothing is worse than hearing a great brass lick only to be obscured by the overly reedy tone and wobbly "vibrato" of some half crazed alto sax doubling the horns and overplaying them. Composers and arrangers are to blame as much as the alto players. Older players unable to temper their 1940's swing band vibrato are also a danger. The only counter measure is to question their manhood by daring the player to play Charlie Parker's "Donna Lee" at 230 beats per minute. That should shut 'em up! 

TENOR SAX: (See Alto Sax) Counter measure, throw down the gauntlet with a dare to render John Coltrane's "Giant Steps". 

BARITONE SAX: A tenor or alto wannabe, this instrument is flaccid and harmless unless played in the style of Stephen "Doc" Kupka (Tower of Power). His sporadic well placed grunting and punctuated style, when discovered by young players, can cause discomfort among the average school director. The only counter measure to this is self-medication by the teacher in the form of tequila shots or similar substances. 

TRUMPET: Obviously one would think that a trumpeter's greatest weapon is his ability to play high notes at great volume. This misconception has been perpetuated unwittingly by great performers like Maynard Ferguson and Dizzy Gillespie. The danger is not in the player who can play high. The danger lies in the player who THINKS he can play high. A young player's incessant caterwauling and inflated ego are a danger to himself and all those around him. The most effective counter measure is to allow the player to continue his high note practice (even encourage him to go higher and louder) until his lips explode or he cracks a tooth jamming his face into the mouthpiece. 

FRENCH HORN: French horns thankfully are a danger only to a small group of people, as their bells point in the wrong direction. They are only a danger to those unfortunate enough to have to sit behind them. Their intonation problems and constant cracking of pitches is of great annoyance to those brass players sitting behind them. Though lately the introduction of Plexiglas reflectors has reduced the danger to those behind the horns, unfortunately it presents a greater danger to the players themselves and those in front of them. Upon hearing their actual tones coming back at them, some hornists have been known to actually vomit on stage due to the hideousness of their own tone. 

TROMBONE: A unique application, the instrument itself is not the real danger. The person playing the instrument is what is truly dangerous. The trombone and its player are the original "smart bomb." This weapon is most effective in high tech warfare areas. Insertion of one or more trombonists into a warfare computer center instantly lowers the aggregate I.Q. in the room. The trombonist's incredible stupidity is a lethal bio weapon that spreads at an incredible rate. Within 5 minutes of exposure, all computer operators within a 50-foot radius are reduced to drooling idiots incapable of the simplest motor functions and bowel control. Use of trombonists as weapons was outlawed by the Geneva Convention in 1999 after an ugly incident at a Dixieland convention in Sacramento. 

BARITONE/EUPHONIUM: This is a weapon of mass confusion. Euphonium players are the Rodney Dangerfields of the brass world. Young players especially don't know their place in the band. They double French horns, trombones, saxophones, tubas in octaves, bass clarinets, bassoons...yadda, yadda, yadda! Euphonium orchestral parts are played by the second trombone or worse, the tuba player! For this reason most euphonium.........baritone...(WHATEVER!) players resort to doubling on trombone. This is when they become dangerous. (See trombone.) 

TUBA: This is a sonic weapon that when set off can produce sub sonic tones causing a general feeling of uneasiness and queasiness to those within its effective range. In addition, one may attach a sousaphone to a marching column of soldiers. As all tubists drag, the ever-slowing performance of um-pahs will eventually reduce the marching soldiers to a snail's pace causing them to be late for a battle or not arrive at all. The most effective countermeasure is to feed the tubist with great quantities of beer (imports if you have them). It won't improve his playing but makes him more enjoyable to be around. 

SNARE DRUM/TRAP SET: This weapon affects only a very small demographic: teenage girls and the fathers of these girls with steady jobs and liquid bank accounts. The snare drummer and the jazz/rock variety of set player act almost like a computer worm. The drummer will attach himself to an unsuspecting teenage girl and milk her and her father's finances in such a way as to not be noticed by the father until it is too late. Drummers are the leaches of the music world and can only be countered by being forced to get a real day job. This will reduce the drummer's "coolness" factor and the daughter will immediately lose interest.


----------



## superhorn

Have you heard about this group of gay women who are big fans of a certain world famous French composer and conductor ?
They're called the Boulesbians .

Centuries ago in sounthern France, they had a special technique to turn flutes into piccolos . 
As the flutes were mad eof wood, they would apply intense heat to them, which would shrink them to
piccolo size . This was known as the mediterranean flute fry .


----------



## Huilunsoittaja

superhorn said:


> Centuries ago in sounthern France, they had a special technique to turn flutes into piccolos .
> As the flutes were mad eof wood, they would apply intense heat to them, which would shrink them to
> piccolo size . This was known as the mediterranean flute fry .


haha good to hear new flute jokes, I barely know any.


----------



## BurningDesire

I wish I could be a Boulesbian, but I'm not a big enough fan of Boulez


----------



## Lunasong

Huilunsoittaja said:


> haha good to hear new flute jokes, I barely know any.


Q) Why do loud, obnoxious whistles exist at some factories?
A) To give us some sort of appreciation for flutes.

Q) Why do all the other wood-wind instrument players envy flutes? 
A) Because they're the only winds eligible for the no-bell prize.

Q) Why do you hardly ever see a flute player take a breath?
A) Because they already have a vast supply of air in their heads.

Q) How do you make a flute player into a drummer? 
A) Put another useless stick in their hand.

Q) What do you get when you gather all the flute players in a marching band? 
A) Far too many flute players.

Q) How can you tell if a plane is full of flute players? 
A) When the engines stop, the whining continues.

Q) What do you call a good flute section?
A) Impossible.

Q) Why were flutes invented?
A) To hit the person on the right.

Q) Why were piccolos invented?
A) To give the whole orchestra a headache.

Q) Four flutists drive a mini-van off of a cliff. What is the
tragedy?
A) You can easily fit eight flutists in a mini-van.


----------



## Huilunsoittaja

Lunasong said:


> Q) Why do loud, obnoxious whistles exist at some factories?
> A) To give us some sort of appreciation for flutes.
> 
> Q) Why do all the other wood-wind instrument players envy flutes?
> A) Because they're the only winds eligible for the no-bell prize.
> 
> Q) Why do you hardly ever see a flute player take a breath?
> A) Because they already have a vast supply of air in their heads.
> 
> Q) How do you make a flute player into a drummer?
> A) Put another useless stick in their hand.
> 
> Q) What do you get when you gather all the flute players in a marching band?
> A) Far too many flute players.
> 
> Q) How can you tell if a plane is full of flute players?
> A) When the engines stop, the whining continues.
> 
> Q) What do you call a good flute section?
> A) Impossible.
> 
> Q) Why were flutes invented?
> A) To hit the person on the right.
> 
> Q) Why were piccolos invented?
> A) To give the whole orchestra a headache.
> 
> Q) Four flutists drive a mini-van off of a cliff. What is the
> tragedy?
> A) You can easily fit eight flutists in a mini-van.


Good ones! Not heard of any of these before. I like the no-bell prize one. :lol:

Maybe I can do a piccolo one...

What do you call someone who plays the piccolo?
Anything you want, they can't hear anymore.


----------



## MaestroViolinist

How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.

How do you keep your violin from getting stolen? 
Put it in a viola case. 

How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They can't get up that high! 

Why do people tremble with fear when someone comes into a bank carrying a violin case? 
They think he's carrying a machine gun and might be about to use it. 
Why do people tremble with fear when someone comes into a bank carrying a viola case? 
They think he's carrying a viola and might be about to use it. 

Q: Why do cellists stand for long periods outside people's houses?
A: They can't find the key and they don't know when to come in. 

A guitarist arrives at the rehearsal to find the bass player and the drummer fighting.
"What's going on?" he asked
The bass player replied "He de-tuned one of my strings!"
"That's OK" said the guitarist. "You can just tune it back up again".
"I can't" said the bass player. "He won't tell me which one!"


----------



## BurningDesire

How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb?

1, and 9 others to say how much better they could have done it.


----------



## TrazomGangflow

Here's how to remember the two great masters of the Baroque era:

The Handel on the Bach door is Baroque.


----------



## Arsakes

*facepalm* because of the lamest jokes here.


----------



## Lunasong




----------



## MaestroViolinist

What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?
Gifted. 

What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
A fiddle is fun to listen to. 

Why are viola jokes so short?
So violinists can understand them. 

String players' motto: "It's better to be sharp than out of tune."


----------



## peeyaj

One day a flying saucer landed in Schubert's back yard. Curious, Schubert walked up to the alien craft. Just then a door opened and a little green man, speaking perfect German, said "Take me to your lieder!!".


----------



## science

Moira said:


> A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."
> 
> Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm?
> A: A tattoo.
> 
> Q: What do you call a drummer in a three-piece suit?
> A: "The Defendant"
> 
> Q: What do clarinetists use for birth control?
> A: Their personalities.
> 
> Q: What did the drummer get on his I.Q. Test?
> A: Saliva.
> 
> Q: What do call a guitar player without a girlfriend?
> A: Homeless.


Wow, that is a great post. I laughed at every single one.


----------



## BurningDesire

Lunasong said:


>


XD thats so funny and cute


----------



## Klavierspieler

BurningDesire said:


> XD thats so funny and cute


And true.


----------



## Lunasong

Q) Is there any difference between the sound of a clarinet and that of a cat in heat?
A) Of course there is, but only if the cat's in good health.

Q) How do you get a trumpet player to play softly?
A) Take away his instrument.

Q) What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
A) With a drum machine you only have to punch the information in once.

Q) What's the difference between a soprano and a Porsche?
A) Most musicians have never been in a Porsche.










Q) What is black and brown and looks good on a violist?
A) A Doberman

Q) How was the canon invented?
A) Two violists were trying to play the same passage together.

Q) What is the range of a viola?
A) As far as you can kick it.

Q) What's another name for viola auditions?
A) Scratch lottery.

Q) What do you call a violist with two brain cells?
A) Pregnant.

Q) Why do violists have pea-sized brains?
A) Because alcohol has swelled them.

Q) What do you call a bunch of violists in a hot tub?
A) Vegetable soup.

Q) How do you keep a violist from drowning?
A) Take your foot off his head.

***
A violinist noticed at the end of each rehearsal break, one of the violists would look at the inside flap of his jacket before he sat down to resume rehearsal. This continued for several decades, and the violinist became quite curious about it. One day, during hot weather, the violist took off his jacket and went off on break. The violinist waited until everyone was off the platform, looked around, and sneaked over to the jacket. He pulled back the flap and saw a little note pinned on the inside. It read: "viola left hand, bow right."

***
An American orchestra had just arrived in Europe for a two-week tour. One hour before the first concert, the conductor became very ill and was unable to conduct, and the orchestra suddenly had to find a substitute. The orchestra manager asked everyone in the orchestra whether they could step in and conduct, and the only person who was willing was the last chair violist.

The manager was very nervous about this. "We can't audition you," he said.

"No problem," replied the violist.

"There's no time to rehearse. You'll have to do the concert cold."

"I know. It'll be all right."

The violist conducted the concert and it was a smashing success. Since the conductor remained ill for the duration of the tour, the violist conducted all of the concerts, getting rave reviews and standing ovations at each one.

At the next rehearsal, the conductor had recovered, and the violist took his place at the back of the viola section. As he sat down, his stand partner asked him "Where've you been for the last two weeks?"


----------



## Lunasong

*Entry Exam For The BBC Symphony Orchestra--Viola Players*

The pass mark is 10% but be careful--over 45% and you are overqualified.

Who wrote the following:
a) Beethoven's Symphony No. 6 
b) Fauré's Requiem 
c) Wagner's Ring Cycle
[5 pts.]

Tchaikovsky wrote 6 symphonies including Symphony no. 4. Name the other five. 
[5 pts.]

Explain "counterpoint" or write your name on the reverse of the paper. 
[10 pts.]

Which of the following would you tuck under you chin?
a) a timpani 
b) an organ 
c) a 'cello 
d) a viola
[1 pt.]

Can you explain "sonata form"? (Answer yes or no.) 
[5 pts.]

Which of the following literary works was made the subject of a Verdi opera?
a) First among Equals -- Jeffrey Archer 
b) Macbeth -- William Shakespeare 
c) Noddy and Big Ears -- Enid Blyton
[5 pts.]

Domenico Scarlatti wrote 555 harpsichord sonatas for which instrument? 
[5 pts.]

Arrange the following movements in order of speed, starting with the slowest first.
a) Quickly 
b) Slowly 
c) Very Quickly 
d) At a Moderate Pace
[4 pts.]

Where would you normally expect to find the conductor during a performance? 
[5 pts.]

Which of the following wrote incidental music to A Midsummer Night's Dream?
a) Des O'Connor 
b) Mickey Mouse 
c) Felix Mendelssohn Bartholdy 
d) Terry Wogan
[5 pts.]

Which of the following is the odd one out?
a) Sir Colin Davis 
b) Andrew Davis 
c) Sir Peter Maxwell Davies 
d) Desmond Lynham
[5 pts.]

Arrange the following words into the name of a well known Puccini opera.
Bohème, La
[5 pts.]

Within five minutes, how long is Chopin's Minute Waltz? 
[5 pts.]

From which of the following countries did Richard Strauss come?
a) Venezuela 
b) Sri Lanka 
c) Germany 
d) Japan
[5 pts.]

For what town were Haydn's "Paris" Symphonies written? 
[5 pts.]

Which is the odd one out?
a) Fantasy Overture Romeo and Juliet -- Tchaikovsky 
b) Romeo and Juliet -- Berlioz 
c) Romeo and Juliet Ballet -- Prokofiev 
d) Ten Green Bottles -- anon.
[5 pts.]

From which song do the following lines come?
"God save our gracious Queen, Long live our noble Queen."
[5 pts.]

Spell the following musical terms.
allegro 
rallentando 
crotchet 
pizzicato 
intermezzo
[5 pts.]

Tosca is a character found in which Puccini opera? 
[5 pts.]

Arrange the following letters to form the abbreviation for a well known British broadcasting corporation.
C, B, B.
[5 pts.]

***
Ethnomusicology at work: Why there are so many viola jokes.


----------



## Huilunsoittaja

^^^^^ the quiz above I bet some people wouldn't know certain questions, like the Tosca one, if you've never heard of a single Puccini opera title. Also, the "Can you explain "sonata form"? (Answer yes or no.)[5 pts.]" how would you get that wrong? Write "banana"? 

I'm gonna share this with a violist friend of mine.


----------



## science

Huilunsoittaja said:


> Also, the "Can you explain "sonata form"? (Answer yes or no.)[5 pts.]" how would you get that wrong? Write "banana"?


Clearly you've never been a teacher. They could write "yes or no" as the answer, or "maybe" or "to whom" or "LOLOLOL J/K OMG" or "you mean right now" or "you mean write now" or "you mean rite now" or "I don't understand." They could misunderstand the question and write an explanation of sonata form, or draw a diagram, or draw an arrow pointing at one of the other questions, or leave it blank, or just about anything.


----------



## ComposerOfAvantGarde

science said:


> Clearly you've never been a teacher. They could write "yes or no" as the answer, or "maybe" or "to whom" or "LOLOLOL J/K OMG" or "you mean right now" or "you mean write now" or "you mean rite now" or "I don't understand." They could misunderstand the question and write an explanation of sonata form, or draw a diagram, or draw an arrow pointing at one of the other questions, or leave it blank, or just about anything.


You are clearly a teacher.


----------



## Lunasong

LA Times article discusses orchestral cliches and includes several viola jokes.


----------



## Lunasong

Q) Why do violists get antsy when they see the Kama Sutra? 
A) They can't handle any subject reference to "more than one position".

Q) If a Cellist plays a Cello and a Violinist plays a Violin, who plays a Viola? 
A) An idiot

Q) What's the only thing separating Violists from the apes? 
A) The 2nd Violin section.

Q) What famous stand-up comedian quipped, "Take my viola ... please"? 
A) None of them did; They all knew it wouldn't be funny.

Q) If a tree falls on a viola in the forest and nobody hears it, is there a sound?
A) Yes. The sound of applause (as soon as the word gets around).

Q) A Violist and a Soprano are trapped in a burning building and you can only save one. What's the real spiritual dilemma here? 
A) Should you go to lunch or to a movie?

Q) Why are viola parts written in alto clef? 
A) Harder to prove that wrong notes weren't copying errors.

Q) Who makes the best viola mutes?
A) Smith & Wesson.

Q) What's the last thing a violist does before walking on stage for a concert? 
A) Looks for his instrument.

*What's the difference between a chainsaw and a viola? *
The viola is always sharp.
The person holding the chainsaw can probably read music.
You can't fake cutting down a tree.
You can tune up a chainsaw.
When either is in use, anyone nearby should wear earplugs.
A chainsaw has a better chance at blending in a string quartet.
In the "Texas Viola Massacre", the killer was wearing a tuxedo.

***
A salesman in a music store leans over the counter to a customer. "Hey, I just heard a great new Viola joke" he tells him. It's a pisser!"
The customer looks him straight in the eye and replies, "Hold on a minute. I happen to be a professional Viola player, and I find Viola jokes offensive; you hear what I'm saying? And by the way, the guy next to me - 6'4", 225 pounds - is also a Viola player. And the guy over there looking through the sheet music - first chair Violist with the Boston Symphony - is a 2nd degree black belt. Now, do you still want to tell that Viola joke?"

"Nah, I guess not, replied the salesman. "I don't want to have to explain it three times."

***
A lawyer dies and goes to hell. The Devil personally leads him down a long corridor to his eternal room.
As they move along the hallway they pass many windows through which the lawyer can see fire pits, various torture devices, and the like. Suddenly they pass a window through which he sees a luxurious bedroom in which a long-haired tuxedoed musician is playing a viola, serenading two voluptuous blondes - clearly twins - who sit naked on either side of him on a velvet sofa. The women are taking turns kissing and caressing him while he plays his viola.

"Wow" says the lawyer, "hold on a second! Is my room going to be anything like that?"

"Oh please, I do have SOME standards" replies the Devil. "You were only a crooked lawyer; The Madison Sisters were serial killers!"


----------



## Lunasong

Soprano Sofege: do, re, mi, me, Me, Not You, ME!!

Person 1: It must be terrible for an opera singer to realize that he can never sing again.
Person 2: Yes, but it's much more terrible if he doesn't realize it.

Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.

Operas that never made it
*Britten*: A Midsummer Nightmare.
*Mozart*: The Magic Tuba.
*Puccini*: La Bamba.
*Rossini*: The Plumber of Seville.
*Verdi*: Rigatoni.

Choir Director: Can you sing from sheet music?
Aspiring Vocalist: Of course, but not the first time.

Did you hear about the female opera singer who had quite a range at the lower end of the scale?
She was known as the deep C diva.

OPERA -- People singing when they should be talking. 
RAP -- People talking when they should be singing.

What is the difference between a singer and a grand piano? 
About a semitone.

Why do vocalists never say anything bad about musicians? 
Because they're too busy talking about themselves.

Why is it people like to sing in the shower, but not while taking a bath? 
Simple. You can't be held under water in the shower.


----------



## Lunasong

The Conductor of a major symphony orchestra pulled aside the Concertmaster immediately after the annual Christmas party. 
"I notice that the orchestra didn't get me a Christmas gift this year, " said the Conductor. 
"Well, maestro, we noticed that you never used the gift we gave you last year." 
"I forget," said the Conductor. "What was last year's gift?" 
"Maestro, it was a Cemetery Plot." 

Musicians are a particular breed. Who do you know that would practice 5-8 hours a day to do their job....then go do their job.

What's the definition of accelerando? 
The conductor turning over two pages at once.

Did you hear about the three trumpet players that wrote a book on scales?
Each contributed the one they knew.

What's the difference between a Ford dealer and a conductor? 
The Ford dealer could find a decent Tempo. 

Did you hear about the man who went streaking through the church? 
They caught him by the organ... 

If you’re just a stone’s throw away from the trumpet section what should you do?
Throw stones.

Why do conductors hate morning gigs? 
They have to wake up and face the music. 

What do you do if you see a bleeding trumpet player running around in your backyard?
Stop laughing, and shoot again!

How do you join a community orchestra as a bassoon player? 
Own a bassoon. 

Why are there so many clarinets in a concert band?
It increases the odds that one will play the right note.

Why do trumpet players have small brains?
To make room for their egos.

What is more romantic than roses on a piano? 
Tulips on an organ. 

Why are there no oboes in the marching band? 
It's bad enough having them in concert band. 

A tuba player walks into a bar................It cost him $175.00 to have the dent removed. 

Why does a clarinet disappear when it is left in a sandbox? 
The cats buried it. 

"Welcome to heaven; here's your harp and tuning key."
"Welcome to hell; here's your harp."


----------



## Lunasong

Q: Why does a trumpet have three valves?
A: Because trumpet players can't count to four.

Tiny Tim says to his mother, "Mother, I'd like to be a trumpet player when I grow up." His mother replies "Nonsense! You're already lame!"

***

It's marching band season in the USA. We take a break from classical to offer this *DICTIONARY OF COMMON BAND TERMS*...
(I definitely have my favorites. How about you?)

*Accelerando*: What happens when drummers have to keep a steady beat.

*Air*: The driving force behind brass instruments, but generally lacking in woodwinds, therefore causing squeaks.

*Alto Saxophone*: A musical instrument that either plays very loud or not at all between squeaks

*Arc*: A shape with between one and five corners and one open side.

*Astroturf*: How to fall.

*Attention*: Standing still while sticking out your elbows, chest, and chin and being in constant pain. Can only talk in whispers so that no section leaders hear you.

*Audition*: the act of putting oneself under extreme duress to satisfy the sadistic intentions of someone who has already made up his mind.

*Band*: 
1) A group of musicians who get together to upset the orchestra members.
2) Slightly organized noise.

*Band Director*: A person who organizes the noise. (Assistant band director: A person who organizes less important noise.)

*Band Boosters*: A group of bored band family members who raise money to send the band far away.

*Band Camp*: A week in the hottest part of summer when band nerds reunite and kick off the band mating season. Mostly used to establish seniority and levels.

*Band Mating Season*: Between June and November when band nerds pair off exclusively and find it their right to display their affection for one another (gag!).

*Band Nerd*: Someone who is very enthusiastic and involved in band. Willing to give up all free time.

*Band Parents*: A few dedicated individuals that travel with the band and perform such tasks as fixing uniforms and distributing those beautiful plumes.

*Band Room*: To be thought of as your home for four months out of the year.

*Baritone Horn Players*: Persons for whom music is written in either bass or treble clefs thus explaining the continual outpouring of wrong notes. ie. "This is in bass clef and I read treble".

*Baritone Sax*: Instrument for woodwind players that are wannabe tuba players.

*Beat*: What music students do to each other with their instruments. The down beat is performed on top of the head, while the up beat is struck under the chin

*Be Quiet!* (Command): You can talk if nobody catches you.

*Bi-Sectional*: The term given to one who plays different instruments for different ensembles.

*Brain Fart*: A mistake involving an escape of gaseous substances from the head usually in conjunction with missing a set.

*Brass*: Metallic looking and sounding devices designed to over-blow and get dented extremely easily.

*Bus*: 
1) A good way to get to know someone (nudge, nudge, wink, wink, if you know what I mean), however the most painful way in the world to watch a movie. 
2) the best place to sing country music. 
3) A portable changing room.

*Cadence*: A way of making the crowd forget that the band just played. Good time for band section visuals.

*Center Snare*: The leader of the percussion section whose main requirement for the job is to not be able to hold a steady tempo.

*Chair*: See how high you rank on the food chain in your section.

*Circle*: A closed shape with definite corners and edges.

*Clarinet*: Licorice stick that squeaks.

*Clarinetist*: A person who leaves old and broken reeds on the floor for you to throw away for them.

*Classes*: Waste of non-band time.

*Clef*: Something to jump from before the trumpet solo.

*Colorguard*: People who swing flags and toss rifles to distract the audience's attention away from the band. Makes the band seem better. Get extra credit if they hit (accidentally, of course) a band member, yet defied if they hit a field judge (although they gain major points with audience appeal).

*Conducting*: The Drum Major's method of amusing the band to points of laughter at times.

*Conductor*: An ignorable figure capable of following numerous individuals at once

*Cut Time*: The sudden realization that everyone else is playing twice as fast as you are.

*Cymbals*: Percussion instruments to be dropped while the band plays pianissimo.

*Dancing*: Done in the stands when one does not know their pep band music.

*Director*: The person who claims to be in charge when everything is going well and claims denial when things go wrong.

*Discord*: Not to be confused with Datcord.

*Divine Comedy*: Watching the drum major attempt to keep a correct tempo.

*Dr. Beat*: A form of cruel and unusual punishment (violation of the 8th Amendment) that is bestowed over a loudspeaker when working on already-learned music.

*Drill*: Pages that show what a form is supposed to look like. Should be burned at year's end.

*Drill-Down*: When the band follows a long set of commands from the drum major, just to see who can do it, in an attempt at fun.

*Drill Book*: Gives you the power to walk around and talk on the field. Makes it look like you are fixing shapes.

*Drum Corps International (DCI)*: Very similar to marching band, except for a few differences: 1)They are good. 2) No woodwinds. Coincidence?

*Drum Major*: A student band director, or group of student band directors, who think they are directing the band but merely move their hands in the same tempo on every song like a robot.

*Drum-Tap*: A snare beat loud enough for the judges to hear, and quiet enough so band doesn't hear.

*Drumline*: The people hitting the drums (or each other) with sticks in time with each other, but either a half beat earlier or later than the band and one beat from the pit.

*Early*: Doesn't exist. Reasoning: To be early is to be on time, while to be on time is to be late, but to be late is to be dead. Following this through, early does not exist.

*Fermata*: A chance for the conductor to catch his breath while attempting to make his wind players pass out.

*Fight Song*: A cheerful, cheesy song that every band member could sing even if they slipped into a coma.

*Flute*: A sophisticated pea shooter with a range of up to 500 yards.

*Freshmen*: Designed to make up half the size of the band.

*Full Uniform*: A form of torture consisting of pants, a heavy wool jacket, a choking ugly hat (with that strikingly beautiful yet flammable plume), and "special" shoes.

*Glissando*: The way woodwind players play difficult runs.

*Gong*: A loud, large cymbal-like device. It is the goal of all good percussionists to break or crack this instrument in any way possible.

*Halt*: A time when everyone is theoretically stopped.

*Home*: The band room.

*Instructor*: Person who tells you when you're screwing up.

*Interval, Spacing*: A space between two band members that is as random as the Drum Major's tempo.

*IQ*: A constant combined number that does not change as the size of the band does.

*Jazz*: Supposedly an All-American art form, but really just an excuse for everybody to play whatever and whenever they want without getting yelled at.

*Juniors*: Wannabe seniors who think they can boss people around.

*Key Change*: A change in the tonal center of a piece that takes place 3-5 measures after it is written in the music.

*Laps*: An alternative to pushups, though not as effective.

*Left*: The foot you start on, unless you are marching backwards.

*Mark Time*: Exercise.

*Memorization*: Learning the cool part of the song instead of the whole thing.

*MP*: Abbreviation seen in music that stands for "mighty powerful".

*Music*: Pieces of paper that are lost and forgotten numerous times thorughout the season.

*Never*: Try not to get caught.

*Notes*: Little black things on paper that show what music should, in theory, sound like. Unfortunately we are not in theory, we are in band.

*Page Turn*: How to not play the hard parts.

*Piccolo*: Like a flute except you can hear it's out of tune.

*Piano*: It's in jazz band for some reason... or maybe no reason...

*Play*: Put your horn to your face. Take a breath. Then realize that you dropped something or need to fix something.

*Playing Test*: Yeah right.

*Practice*: The repetition of a piece until you get it right or you kill your director. Whichever comes first.

*Private Lessons*: The only sign of a true band nerd.

*Quit*: Everyone tries to do it.....very few actually succeed.

*Rain*: Nature's way of telling the band they need to go inside and work on music.

*Rifle*: A large wooden stick used to break nails and bruise heads.

*Ritard*: The idiot behind the stick.

*Saxophone*: A brass/woodwind instrument that plays too loud in concert band, too soft in marching band and gets all the solos in jazz band.

*Saxophonist*: A retard.

*Seniority*: The right and privilege earned to cut in line and basically be mean to freshmen.

*Solo*:
In marching band, you get to stand still while everybody else has to march, and nobody even knows you played.
In concert band, you are not heard and you get to take a bow.
In jazz band, you barf through your horn and take a bow. Everybody loves it.

*Sophomores*: Try to make up for being abused as a freshmen by picking on the incoming freshmen as much as possible.

*Spring Band Trip*: Way too expensive for what it is. A week long excursion to a tourist-y attraction where band nerds run amok amongst unsuspecting tourists and innocent bystanders. Band couples are established just so everybody has a bus seat partner.

*Squeak*: The only sign that a clarinet is playing.

*Tan Lines*: Found around the ankles, upper arms, and thigh region on all attendees of band camp. Never goes away. Ever.

*Tenor Saxophone*: Bigger, louder, uglier. (The players and the horns.)

*Tempo Change*: Signal for musicians to ignore the conductor.

*Three/Four Time*: One would think this is impossible in marching band. Yet, due to massive retardation caused by excessive UV rays, we actually march better in 3/4 time. Truly bizarre.

*Time*: A way to keep the band continuously out of step.

*Trumpet*: A way to make the band sound better. If the trumpets play loud enough, then you can't hear any other mistakes.

*Trumpet Player*: A person who thinks that every note has 8va written above it.

*Trombone*: A device that has the same pitch as the baritone, except that it is played with a slide, so it is easier to forget the positions.

*Tuba*: A compound word; "Hey woman, fetch me another tuba Preparation H!"

*Tune*: What we do to get most of the band within a half step of each other.

*Tuning*: Eternity.

*Unison*: See minor second.

*Valve*: A device that sticks during difficult parts of the music or during crucial solos.

*Valve Oil*: 
1) Only one person in the band has it at any given time. 
2) A form of currency for brass players.

*Vibrato*: How to hide that you are out of tune.

*Visual*: A way of keeping people interested in the marching show. Placed right after a difficult passage so that the judges will forget that the band sucks.

*Water Break*: Read: water fight.
1) A chance to play football or do headstands on the field. 
2) A chance to act like monkeys.

*Whining*: How to get yourself out sectionals. One slight drawback: you have to run laps until sectionals are over.

*Whispering*: How you must talk at attention. Unless a section leader is talking, and then you don't have to be at attention anymore.

*Woodwinds*: Proof that God has a sense of humor.

*Yelling*: Something that drum majors do too much of.


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## Lunasong




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## Lunasong

Are there any trumpet players on the forum?

Do you play the Trumpet Voluntary? 
No, my parents made me do it.

How do you kill off three trumpet players in a hurry?
Ask them to agree who's the best player there.

The horn section of a jazz combo was on the way to a gig and were killed in a tragic car accident. When they arrived in heaven, God personally greeted them at the front gate and asked each of them who they were and what they did on earth.
The first person said, "I was a tenor sax player and I made people happy with my wonderful music."​The second person said, "I was a trombone player and I taught people the love of music."​The third person said, "I was a trumpet player and I believe you are sitting in my chair."​
What is the range of a trumpet player? 
It depends: how strong are you, and how much do you want to hurt him?

Why can't gorillas play trumpet? 
Gorillas are too sensitive.

Why do trumpet players have small brains?
To make room for their egos.

Why do trumpet players wince when they hear a trumpet joke?
The truth hurts.

Why shouldn't you take the trumpet section on a pub crawl?
They are always a bar behind.

***

These are fines for illegal trumpet actions imposed by the International Trumpet Guild.

*Musical Offenses:*

Obnoxious show-offy warm-up	$25
Vibrato on unison passage	$50
Failure to swing	$1,000
Sound checking section lick obnoxious jazz lick	$15
Playing highest not possible during warm-up	$10
Raising hand after making a mistake	$15
Practicing multiple tonguing not called for on gig	$15
Failure to use 3rd valve slide	$50
Being told by conductor to play louder $400
Taking tuning note up octave	$25
Taking tuning note up 2 octaves	$2,500
Playing a Bb when band tunes on A	$75
Blacking out after high note	$20
Lead Players Changing mouthpiece mid-song	$15
Missing high lick, then mentioning previous gig that day	$25
Faking section into early entrance	$10
Faking self into early entrance	$20
Asking leader if it's ok to take lick up	$25
Asking leader if it's ok to take lick down	$400
Taking lick down on gig that you took up on rehearsal	$100
Missing last note of "In The Mood"	$200

*Non-Lead Players*:

Missing entrance when lead player drops out on unison	$15
Hanging over past lead player on last chord $100
Attempting unassigned high lick lead player biffs $50
Asking lead player what mouthpiece he uses $75
Pointing out to lead player that guy on record took last passage up	$20
Attempting to out-screech lead player on last chord	$100
Attempting to out-screech lead player at any time $500

*Equipment Violations*:

Dropping mute	$10
Dropping horn	$20 + repairs
Dropping dead	WARNING
Forgetting pencil	$20
Forgetting mutes	$50
Forgetting bowtie or socks	$30
Forgetting mouthpiece	$30
Playing with screw-on rim	$10
Blaming mistake on sticky valve	$25
Looking into bell after a mistake	$100
Getting marble or similar object stuck down bell	$75
Polishing horn on stage	$15

*Criminal Bad Taste*:

Quoting Herb Albert or Chuck Mangione song	$25
Casually mentioning to director of cheap theatre that you also play keyboards	$100
Discussing how plentiful gigs were in the old days	$50
Farting on the bandstand	$25
Taking a dump on the bandstand	$75
Talking about great deal on your new horn	$10
Hawking your old horn on the bandstand	$15
Having a nicer gig bag then the rest of the section	$10
Practicing legit style on commercial gigs	$35
Beginning sentence with "When I played with Stan Kenton..."	$50

*Basic Stupidity:*

Continually asking, "Where are we?"	$25
Drunkeness on gig	$25
Stonedness on gig	$25
Sobriety on gig	$75
Sitting next to leader at pre/post gig meals	$100
Pretending to be friends with bone players	$10
Actually being friends with bone players	$20
Dating a bone player	$75
Loaning money to a bone player	AMOUNT LOANED
Wearing old MF tour shirt	$15
Wearing new MF tour shirt	$25
(MF=Maynard Ferguson...$500 for not knowing this)


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## Lunasong




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## Ramako

Real life outside the supermarket:

*My Dad*: Have you got the list?
*Me*: (entirely genuine) What Liszt? Why would we have any Liszt?

Which just goes to show that cliched jokes have a basis in reality.


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## superhorn

Why did th ecomposer turn down a commission to write a concerto for saxophone and violin ?

That's because he thought there was too much sax and violins in society .


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## Klavierspieler

Lunasong said:


>


For the record, this does not really exist.


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## BurningDesire

Klavierspieler said:


> For the record, this does not really exist.


Until I write a piece demanding such an interpretation X3


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## Klavierspieler

BurningDesire said:


> Until I write a piece demanding such an interpretation X3


I meant on Wikipedia.


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## Lunasong

"This page was last modified on 30 September 2012 at 03:53."
...by Klavierspieler...


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## superhorn

What was the favorite food of J. S. Bach ? Brandenburgers !














:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:


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## Lunasong

minimum


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## Lunasong

from today's HornMatters








The first image at left depicts what a typical male horn player _thinks_ he looks like - a suave, well-dressed professional. The second image is an illustration of what he _really_ looks like - a cross-eyed horn-geek with condensation dripping everywhere.


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## Lunasong

*Horn Performance Degree vs. 4 Years of Intensive Video Gaming*

Hoping to demonstrate the value of music education as a replacement for video gaming, a psychologist arranged for the controlled education of two similarly-qualified high school students. The first student was provided with a 4 year education at a major university, unlimited access to a video arcade and an inexhaustible supply of quarters (you can tell this is a very old joke). The second student was provided with a 4 year education at a major music conservatory, unlimited access to a horn teacher, and a professional quality double horn.

The study was summarized as follows:

Student A became obsessed with and spent 8+ hours a day playing PacMan. Normal personal hygiene and social skills declined, and no friendships were formed, except with students similarly obsessed. Student A did not find regular employment after graduation, preferring instead to continue his long hours playing PacMan. After three years, he began to understand that he could not earn a living playing PacMan, and after 5 years, Student A has obtained reasonably secure employment as a computer programmer.

Student B became obsessed with and spent 8+ hours a day playing his Paxman. Normal personal hygiene and social skills declined, and no friendships were formed, except with students similarly obsessed. Student B did not find regular employment after graduation, preferring instead to continue long hours playing his Paxman. After three years, he began to understand that he could not earn a living playing his Paxman, and after 5 years, Student B has obtained reasonably secure employment as a computer programmer.

Conclusion: There is no significant difference between an undergraduate degree in horn performance and 4 years of intensive video gaming.
***

Conductor: "Back to bar one." 
French hornist: "My part doesn't have numbers."

Q) How do you get a good tone out of a horn?
A) With a hammer.

My horn instructor is really religious. Every time I play, he closes his eyes, shakes his head, and says, "Oh Lord."

Q) What is a brass player's favorite movie? 
A) Gone with the Woodwinds.


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## Lunasong

How do you stop a trombone from being stolen? 
-Why would you want to do that? 

What metal are trombones made out of? 
-Trombonium. 

What's a trombonist's favorite type of shoes? 
-Slides. 

Why did the bassoonist have to play with bad tone? 
-She had the same part as the trombones. 

Why did the trombonist have to play with bad tone? 
-He's a trombonist. 

How can you tell the best trombonist in the band apart from all the others? 
-Their second note is in tune. 

How can you tell when a trombonist is playing out of tune? 
-The slide is moving. 

Why do people play trombone? 
-Because they can't move their fingers and read music at the same time. 

Why is it no fun to go to a playground with a trombonist? 
-He can't swing and he complains about the slide. 

What's the best kind of trombone? 
-A broken one. 

How does a trombone teacher charge for lessons? 
-On a sliding scale. 

If a clarinetist plays clarinet, a French hornist plays a French horn, and a tubist plays a tuba, who plays a trombone? 
-An idiot. 

How do you get the best sound out of a trombone? 
-Run it over with a lawnmower. 

What's the first position a trombonist learns? 
-Head cocked, arm above it, finger scratching scalp. 

What were the trombone player's grades? 
-Below C level. 

Why did the trombone player cross the expressway during rush hour? 
-Perhaps we'll never know.


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## superhorn

What contemporary Russian composer writes music based on computer games ? 

Pacmaninov !


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## Lunasong

Q: Why should every household have at least one viola?
A: You should always have a supply of extra firewood at hand in case of emergencies.

Q: How do you get the entire viola section of an orchestra to play in tune at the same time?
A: Have them play a measure in which they have a whole rest. (And even that may not work!)
***
The principal violist for the symphony orchestra approached the conductor and handed in his resignation with great flourish.

"I've had it! I'm tired of the terrible pay. I'm tired of the jokes. I'm tired of hearing how dumb I am. I've been working for years on my new invention, and as soon as it hits the market I'm going to retire. It's got a huge profit margin! Demand is going to be incredible because I've never yet seen one in the marketplace."

"What's your invention?" asked the conductor.

The violist looked around to make sure he would not be overheard, leaned close to the maestro's ear and whispered, "A kickstand for tricycles!"
***

Little Johnny Jr. was practicing his viola diligently, and doing the very best that he could but, try as he might, the sounds just weren't overly pleasing. In fact, the family dog had tried covering its ears to no avail, so it started to howl. The extra sound didn't deter Johnny; it just made him practice all the louder. You can imagine the response from the dog.

John Sr. tried to continue reading his newspaper, but just couldn't concentrate with all of the noise. In a loud voice he finally asked, "Johnny, can you play something that the dog doesn't know?"
***

The principal violist of the local symphony orchestra decided that he was going to build a new viola for himself. He went to the local lumber yard to get some wood.
"I'm building a viola," he told the salesman as he pointed toward some boards. "My viola's just about as wide as these boards here, so, I'll use one of these."
"Okay," said the salesman. "And how long do you need it?"
"How long do I need it?" asked the violist. "Once I paid for the board, I thought you'd let me keep it."
***

A well-known violist recently had the misfortune to lose his viola. His friends were upset when they found out that the violist decided against advertising in the newspaper or even putting up posters in the area where he had last seen the viola.

"What difference will it make?" asked the violist. "It won't help! I am almost positive that my viola can't read!"
***

A couple was having marital troubles. They went to a counselor to see if their marriage could be saved.

"You need to communicate more," the counselor implored. "You need to interact with one another! If we can't get you chatting some this marriage is doomed. So I want the two of you to go to the symphony concert this evening!"

The couple looked at one another, then back at the counselor.

Finally the wife spoke. "But doctor, I thought you wanted us to talk with one another more."

"That's right," said the counselor.

"But during a concert you're supposed to be quiet," said the husband.

"The soloist is playing the Walton Viola Concerto this evening," said the counselor. "Fifteen minutes in you'll be talking just like everyone else in the hall."
***

A violist had not advanced a single chair since he started at the back of the section when he auditioned 9 years ago. Frustrated, he decided to do whatever was necessary to improve his position. He went to the conductor with an offer.

"Maestro," said the violist, "I'll do anything for you if you'll even move me forward a single chair. I just can't stay where I am any longer."

The conductor realized that it really wouldn't matter a whole lot which chair the violist sat in, so he decided to cooperate.

"I'll move you up a chair if you do a chore I've been putting off."

"Of course, Maestro, anything," replied the violist.

"Take this can of paint and this brush," said the conductor. "Go out in front of the house and paint my porch."

The violist eagerly took the paint and the brush and hurried out the door. An hour later the violist came back in through the back door (violists always use the back door) and told the conductor that the job was done.

"You did the entire porch?" asked the conductor.

"Yes, Maestro," answered the violist, "Inside and out. But that car's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."


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## Lunasong




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## Lunasong




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## Lunasong




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## MaestroViolinist

All the viola jokes! It's terrible! (But I do like the video :lol


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## BurningDesire

Whatdya get when you cross a somewhat sexist children's toy with the first great Romantic composer? An Easy Beeth-Oven!


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## Lunasong

MaestroViolinist said:


> All the viola jokes! It's terrible! (But I do like the video :lol


A violist was hiking in the mountains, and he came upon a shepherd who was tending a large herd of sheep that were grazing in the alpine meadow. The violist took a fancy to the sheep, and asked the shepherd: "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I have one?"
The shepherd thought this was an odd request, but thought that there was little chance that the man would guess the exact number of sheep, so he said "Sure."
The violist guessed "You have 287 sheep," to the shepherd's astonishment, since this was exactly how many sheep he had.
The violist got all excited and asked "Can I pick out my sheep now?" and the shepherd grudgingly gave his permission. The violist selected his sheep, bent over, and swung the sheep over his shoulders, to carry home with him.
The shepherd then got an idea and asked "If I guess what your occupation is, can I have my sheep back?" The violist was a bit surprised by this, but figured that it was unlikely that the shepherd would be able to guess his occupation, and went along with the deal. The shepherd then guessed "You're a violist, aren't you?"
The violist was very surprised and asked, "How did you know?"
The shepherd responded, "Put the dog down and we'll talk about it."
***

In order to save money, the musicians decided to build their Union Hall themselves. As they proceeded to do the job, gradually the hierarchy of the musicians was reflected in the jobs that they did. The violists found themselves at the bottom of a ditch doing the nastiest of the digging. Above them, supervising, was a trumpet player. One violist turned to another and asked, "How come we're working down here and he's working up there?"
The other responded, "I don't know, but I'll go up there and ask."
The violist crawled up to the top of the ditch. "Why are we down there digging while you're up here supervising?" the violist asked the trumpeter.
"Because I'm smarter than you," was the reply.
"Huh, I don't understand," the confused violist said.
"Allow me to demonstrate," said the trumpeter. He walked up to the nearest tree, put out his open hand in front of the tree and said to the violist, "Hit my hand!"
The violist reared back with his fist and shot a punch at the trumpeter's open hand. At the last instant, the trumpeter moved his hand out of the way so that the violist's fist went slamming into the tree.
"OW!," cried the violist, "I see what you mean." He then returned to the ditch and his friend waiting below.
"Well," said the other violist, "did you find out why he's up there and we're down here?"
"Yes," said the violist, whose hand was still throbbing, "it's because he's smarter than us."
"I don't understand," said his friend.
"Let me explain it to you," said the violist. He then took his open hand and placed it in front of his own face.
"Now," he said, "hit my hand with your shovel!"
***

A violist and a percussionist were walking in a park. The percussionist saw a dead crow and said to the violist, "Look, a dead crow."
The violist looked up and asked, "Where?"
***

Two years ago an orchestra was on tour in France. One evening they decided to go find some snails so they could have escargot for dinner. Everybody was given a bag and send into the vineyards.
Gradually everybody came back with their bags filled with snails. All sections were there except the violists, who returned several hours later. The concertmaster asked, "Were have you been for so long and why are your bags empty?"
"Well," they said, "I don't know how you managed, but It was a disaster. We saw a lot of snails, but they were quick! Just as we went to get them, rush...and they were gone!"


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## Lunasong

*Neophyte's Guide to Choir Singers
*
In any choir, there are four voice parts: soprano, alto, tenor, and bass. Each voice part sings in a different range, and each one has a very different personality. Sometimes these four are divided into first and second within each part, prompting endless jokes about first and second basses.
There are also various other parts such as baritone, countertenor, contra alto, mezzo soprano, etc. These are mostly used by people who are either soloists, belong to some excessively hot shot classical a cappella group (this applies especially to countertenors), or are trying to make excuses for not really fitting into any of the regular voice parts. We will ignore them for now.
You may ask, "Why should singing different notes make people act differently?" and indeed this is a mysterious question and has not been adequately studied, especially since scientists who study musicians tend to be musicians themselves and have all the peculiar complexes that go with being tenors, French horn players, timpanists, or whatever. This is beside the point, however; the fact remains that the four voice parts can be easily distinguished. Draw close, young neophyte, and you will now learn how.

*The Sopranos* are the ones who sing the highest, and, because of this, they think they rule the world. They have longer hair, fancier jewelry, and swishier skirts than anyone else. They consider themselves insulted if they are not allowed to go at least to a high F in every movement of any given piece. When they reach the high notes, they hold them for at least half again as long as the composer and/or conductor requires and then complain that their throats are killing them and that both the composer and conductor are sadists.
Sopranos have varied attitudes toward the other sections of the chorus, though they consider all of them inferior. Altos are to sopranos rather like second violins to first violins - - nice to harmonize with but not really necessary. All sopranos have a secret feeling that the altos could drop out and the piece would sound essentially the same, and they don't understand why anybody would sing in that range in the first place - - it's so boring. Tenors, on the other hand, can be very nice to have around; besides their flirtation possibilities (it is a well-known fact that sopranos never flirt with basses), sopranos like to sing duets with tenors because all the tenors are doing is working very hard to sing in a low-to-medium soprano range, while the sopranos are up there in their range (the stratosphere) showing off effortlessly. To sopranos, basses are the scum of the earth. They sing too darn loudly, are useless to tune to because they're down in that low, low range, and there has to be something wrong with anyone who sings in the F clef.

*The Altos* are the salt of the earth - - in their opinion, at least. Altos are unassuming people who would wear jeans to concerts if they were allowed to. Altos are in a unique position in the chorus in that they are unable to complain about having to sing either very high or very low, and they know that all the other sections think their parts are pitifully easy. But the altos know otherwise. They know that while the sopranos are screeching away on a high A, they are being forced to sing elaborate passages full of sharps and flats and tricks of rhythm, and nobody is noticing, because the sopranos are singing too loudly (and the basses usually are, too).
Altos get a deep, secret pleasure out of conspiring together to tune the sopranos flat. Altos have an innate distrust of tenors, because the tenors sing in almost the same range and think they sound better. Altos like the basses and enjoy singing duets with them - - the basses just sound like a rumble anyway, and it's the only time the altos can really be heard.
Altos' other complaint is that there are always too many of them and so they never get to sing really loudly.

*The Tenors* are spoiled. That's all there is to it. For one thing, there are never enough of them, and choir directors would rather sell their souls than let a halfway decent tenor quit, while they're always ready to unload a few altos at half price. And then, for some reason, the few tenors there are always are really good - - it's one of those annoying facts of life. So it's no wonder that tenors always get swollen heads - - after all, who else can make sopranos swoon?
The one thing that can make tenors insecure is the accusation (usually by the basses) that anyone singing that high couldn't possibly be a real man.
In their usual perverse fashion, the tenors never acknowledge this but just complain louder about the composer's being a sadist and making them sing so darned high. Tenors have a love-hate relationship with the conductor, too, because the conductor is always telling them to sing louder because there are so few of them. No conductor in recorded history has ever asked for less tenor in a forte passage.
Tenors feel threatened in some way by all the other sections - - the sopranos because they can hit those incredibly high notes; the altos because they have no trouble singing the notes the tenors kill themselves for; and the basses because, although they can't sing anything above an E, they sing it loudly enough to drown out the tenors. Of course, the tenors would rather die than admit any of this.
It is a little-known fact that tenors move their eyebrows more than anyone else while singing.

*The Basses* sing the lowest part. This basically explains everything. They are stolid, dependable people and have more facial hair than anybody else. The basses feel perpetually unappreciated, but they have a deep conviction that they are actually the most important part (a view endorsed by musicologists but certainly not by sopranos or tenors), despite the fact that they have the most boring part and often sing the same note (or endless fifths) for an entire page. They compensate for this by singing as loudly as they can get away with - - most basses are tuba players at heart.
Basses are the only section that can regularly complain about how low their part is, and they make horrible faces when trying to hit very low notes.
Basses are charitable people, but their charity does not extend so far as tenors, whom they consider effete poseurs. Basses hate tuning with the tenors more than almost anything else. Basses like altos - - except when they have duets, and the altos get the good part. As for the sopranos, they are simply in an alternate universe that the basses don't understand at all. They can't imagine why anybody would ever want to sing that high and sound that bad when they make mistakes. When a bass makes a mistake, the other three parts will cover him, and he can continue on his merry way, knowing that sometime, somehow, he will end up at the root of the chord.


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## Lunasong

Musical phrases that sound dirty, but aren't.

1. Should I pull out or push it in more?
2. Nice brass.
3. Let's go back to 69.
4. Damn, my G-string broke.
5. Blow harder.
6. All percussion do is bang.
7. I've got lots of lube in my bag.
8. Sextionals.
9. I wanna tap that snare drum.
10. Tighten your embouchure.
11. I'll let you choose the tempo.
12. Musicians duet better.










This one is so random, but it made me laugh:
Principal horn player: Sectionally active horn star.


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## Lunasong

Show me a trumpet player with no ego and I'll show you a drummer that can stop drumming.

Why was the trumpeter forced by his section mates to switch to clarinet? 
He was a pain in the brass.

Why did the trumpet player get a 75% on his test? 
He couldn't reach a high C.

Why don't trumpet players have mid-life crises? 
They're stuck in adolescence.

When it absolutely must be destroyed in the least amount of time, hand it to a trumpet player.

"Ah, the trumpet. Now there's an instrument on which one can truly embarrass himself!" Garrison Keillor

Obviously one would think that a trumpeter's greatest weapon is the ability to play high notes at great volume. This misconception has been perpetuated unwittingly by great performers like Maynard Ferguson and Dizzy Gillespie. The danger is not in the player who can play high. The danger lies in the player who THINKS he can play high. A young player's incessant caterwauling and inflated ego are a danger to himself and all those around him. The most effective counter measure is to allow the player to continue his high note practice (even encourage him to go higher and louder) until his lips explode or he cracks a tooth jamming his face into the mouthpiece.


----------



## KenOC

A violist, a trial to his orchestra, returned home after a concert to find nothing but a smoking ruin and firemen and police. He approached a policeman and asked what had happened.

"Well, the conductor came to your house after the concert, murdered your wife and family, and burned the place down."

The violist broke out in a delighted smile. "Really? The conductor actually came to MY house?"


----------



## ComposerOfAvantGarde

A blind rabbit and a blind snake bump into each other in the forest. The rabbit said, “Watch where you are going. Can’t you see that I am blind?” The snake replied. “No. I can’t see that you are blind because I am blind myself.” Then the rabbit got a brilliant idea. “Why don’t we feel each other and guess what the other is?” The snake accepted this proposal and went first. The snake said, “Let’s see -- your furry with long ears and a cotton tail - you must be a rabbit.” “Very good,” said the rabbit. “Now it’s my turn. You are cold, slimy, spineless, and have no ears. You must be a conductor”


----------



## Lunasong

Cartoons that maybe only these section players will understand.

Snare.









Cello.


----------



## Lunasong

More on cello and Canon in D Major.


----------



## ahammel

I hereby submit, as my first post on this forum, the worst classical music joke I know:

The Boston Symphony Orchestra is doing a production of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. The Ninth is notoriuosly dull for the string basses: they're tacit until the last few dozen bars of the finale*. As the conductor starts the first movement, the bass section leader nudges the second and says "hey, we don't have anything to do for an hour or so. Let's go to the bar around the corner and watch the Red Sox game!" The whole section files out the back door with the conductor glaring at them. "Don't worry", says the section leader, "I'll keep track of the time."

All the basses file into the bar and start watching the game and having a few drinks. And a few more drinks. In fact: two of them get so drunk that they pass out on the floor. Suddenly, the section leader shouts "Oh no! My watch has stopped! Our part starts up in a few minutes!" They all run out of the bar in a panic, leaving their fallen comrades. The section leader tells the others not to worry: "I tied up the last few pages of the conductor's music with a piece of string. He'll have to slow the tempo down so he has time to untie it. That should give us a few more minutes." They all rush back into the concert hall and, just as the conductor gets the knot out, lunge for their instruments and start playing their part.

Surprisingly, the performance was well-recieved despite all the antics. One reviewer even thought that the most exciting part of the concert was at the end of the Ninth with the score tied, two men out, and the bassists loaded.

<rimshot>

*Not actually true.


----------



## Lunasong

That's such a "classic" joke I can't believe it hasn't been posted before!

Not the BSO. The other group from Boston.









Semiconductors are part-time musicians.










Sometimes it is hard to get our act together. Somewhere I read a story about a concert held in Philadelphia. One of the movements featured a flute solo that was to be played as if coming from a distance. The conductor had instructed the flutist to stand offstage where he was to count the measures precisely in order to come in at the exact time, since there could be no visual contact between the conductor and the soloist.
On the performance night when the time came for the flute solo, the flutist began exactly. The fine, lilting notes floated out beautifully. Then, suddenly there was a pinching sour note and the soloist was silent for the rest of the piece. The conductor was outraged and at the end of the piece he rushed off stage to find the poor flutist. The player was prepared.
"Maestro," he said, "before you say anything let me tell you what happened, but really, you're not going to believe it. You know I came in accurately, and everything was going beautifully, when, suddenly, this enormous stage hand ran up, grabbed away my flute, and pushed me back, saying, "Shut up, you idiot! Don't you know there's a concert going on out there?"


----------



## Lunasong

This was originally posted by Aksel in another thread, but so funny...

Powerful moments in 12-tone enjoyment.




"All the most popular 12-tone rows that only this morning you were humming in the shower, or on your way to work."


----------



## regressivetransphobe

Lunasong said:


>


It's been nice knowing you, cruel world.

*bang*


----------



## belfastboy

Lunasong said:


> Musical phrases that sound dirty, but aren't.
> 
> 1. Should I pull out or push it in more?
> 2. Nice brass.
> 3. Let's go back to 69.
> 4. Damn, my G-string broke.
> 5. Blow harder.
> 6. All percussion do is bang.
> 7. I've got lots of lube in my bag.
> 8. Sextionals.
> 9. I wanna tap that snare drum.
> 10. Tighten your embouchure.
> 11. I'll let you choose the tempo.
> 12. Musicians duet better.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> This one is so random, but it made me laugh:
> Principal horn player: Sectionally active horn star.


Can I add one?lol

No..no!...make your lips tighter and blow gently....that's it....now you got it - great technique!

Oh and...."Your lips are too dry" ......


----------



## Lunasong

Q: What do you call a house occupied by five hornists? 
A: A crack house.

Q: How many hornists does it take to play split lead? 
A: One.

Q: How do you contact a baritone player? 
A: You-phone-`em.

Q: What do you call a drummer at a school of music?
A: A visitor.

Q: What do a bad airplane mechanic and a violist have in common? 
A: Both screw up Boeings.

Q: Why did Adolph Sax invent the saxophone?
A: He hated mankind but couldn't build a atom bomb. 

The reason why so many weird noises comes out of the business end of saxophones is that Mr. Sax never issued any instructions on how to use them. Contrary to popular belief, saxophone are percussion instruments and meant to be beaten by hammers. 

Two drummers walk into a bar, which is actually kind of funny, because you would think that the second guy would have seen the first one do it. 

At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to viola players for our experiments?"
"Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?"
"Well, for three reasons. First we found that viola players are far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do. However, sometimes it is very hard to extrapolate our test results to human beings."
***

Not exactly correct, but still funny.

A bunch of singer-songwriters were sitting around a bar in Nashville. One of them says "I keep hearing about these guys Bach, Beethoven and Mozart. Anybody here heard of them?"
"Yeah," replies one of the songwriters. "I've heard of 'em ...but I wouldn't worry too much, all they ever did was instrumentals."


----------



## Lunasong

Did you know Beethoven had no arms and no legs? I've seen statues of him on people's pianos.

Knock.
Who's there?
Anton Webern.

Borodin nothing to do!!

Which classical composer married his high school?
Gustav -- he married his Alma Mahler.

JS Bach and his father (JA Bach) used to play this game of trying to produce the longest repeated regular pattern in counterpoint on the harpsichord?
The game was called "Family Fugue".










The cleaning lady came in and said, "What a mess! How can you stand to live in such filth!"
Beethoven replied, "Don't you know? There's a genius at work! I'm busy writing a symphony!"
The cleaning lady replied, "What? You...write a symphony?









A new variation on an old joke:
A movie director hired a well known composer to write the score for his new family film. After seeing the film the composer decided that a really different instrumentation would best fit the mood of the film. So he decided to use the woodwind sections from three of the best jazz bands and the high string sections of three of the world's best symphony orchestras for his composition. A short while after the soundtrack had been added to the film, the composer received a really angry message from the movie director. It seems that the film rating board had given his family film an "R" rating for too much sax and violins.

*Atonality*: Disease that many modern composers suffer from. The most prominent symptom is the patient's lacking ability to make decisions.


----------



## Lunasong

Why are Violist's ears sought after for transplants?
They've never been used.

Who won the violist beauty contest?
Nobody.

What's the most effective male birth control method? 
Tell the girl he plays the Viola.

What's the difference between an Oboist and a Violist? 
The oboe player sustained brain damage AFTER taking up the instrument.

If a tree falls on a Viola in the forest and nobody hears it, is there a sound?
Yes. The sound of applause (as soon as the word gets around).

What do you call two Viola players playing in unison? 
Counterpoint.

How can you tell that a Viola player has died? 
He drops his bow - but doesn't pick it up.

How can you tell that a Viola player has died? 
The Brass players invent a new batch of Viola jokes.


----------



## Lunasong

Limerick credits: Madeleine Begun Kane.

Musical Chairs

A symphony cellist named Kate
Shares her stand with a man, once her mate.
Though they play well in sync,
She thinks him a fink
And longs for his move out of state.

But orchestra jobs are quite rare,
And he can't find a gig on a dare.
Sadly, neither can she,
So together they'll be
Making music. At least she's first chair.

Musical Discord

"Your playing is way out of tune,"
The conductor informed the bassoon.
"All your high notes are sharp,
And I don't mean to carp,
But you sound like a horny baboon".

The bassoonist replied, "Sir, your ear
Gets progressively worse ev'ry year,
And your cues are all wrong,
So we just play along
And pretend your baton waving's clear."

Bach! Humbug!

"Your CD collection's a joke,
And classical sucks," yelled the bloke.
My discs couldn't handle
This rampaging vandal:
Now all of my Bach sets are broke.


----------



## Huilunsoittaja

Lunasong said:


> Sometimes it is hard to get our act together. Somewhere I read a story about a concert held in Philadelphia. One of the movements featured a flute solo that was to be played as if coming from a distance. The conductor had instructed the flutist to stand offstage where he was to count the measures precisely in order to come in at the exact time, since there could be no visual contact between the conductor and the soloist.
> On the performance night when the time came for the flute solo, the flutist began exactly. The fine, lilting notes floated out beautifully. Then, suddenly there was a pinching sour note and the soloist was silent for the rest of the piece. The conductor was outraged and at the end of the piece he rushed off stage to find the poor flutist. The player was prepared.
> "Maestro," he said, "before you say anything let me tell you what happened, but really, you're not going to believe it. You know I came in accurately, and everything was going beautifully, when, suddenly, this enormous stage hand ran up, grabbed away my flute, and pushed me back, saying, "Shut up, you idiot! Don't you know there's a concert going on out there?"


Bahahahah that's excellent (true story or no)! :lol:


----------



## superhorn

Have you heard about the copetition for avant-garde composers ? It's caled the World Twelve-Tone Series .


----------



## KenOC

More of these...

Q: What's the difference between a chainsaw and a viola?
A: If you absolutely had to, you could use a chainsaw in a string quartet.

Q: Why can't you hear a viola on a digital recording?
A: Recording technology has reached such an advanced level of development that all extraneous noise is eliminated.

Q: What's the difference between a seamstress and a violist? 
A: The seamstress tucks up the frills.


----------



## brianwalker

What's with all these viola jokes?


----------



## KenOC

Change of pace then?

The definition of a gentleman: A man who knows how to play the bassoon, but doesn't. 

Two bassoonists walk into a bar. One says "Did you hear about the Brazilian soldiers killed today?" "Jeez...that's TERRIBLE! Um...how many's in a brazillion?"


----------



## brianwalker

KenOC said:


> Change of pace then?
> 
> The definition of a gentleman: A man who knows how to play the bassoon, but doesn't.
> 
> Two bassoonists walk into a bar. One says "Did you hear about the Brazilian soldiers killed today?" "Jeez...that's TERRIBLE! Um...how many's in a brazillion?"


My question wasn't rhetorical; I literally want to know why there are so many viola jokes.


----------



## KenOC

brianwalker said:


> My question wasn't rhetorical; I literally want to know why there are so many viola jokes.


Dunno. But:

Why don't viola players get AIDS?
Because even viruses have standards.


----------



## Howard

Man! I have to say they are so bad it makes them funnier. Lol!


----------



## EbMajor

An overview of music theory test-answers:

- Music sung by two people is a duel.
- I know what a sextet is, but I'm too embarrassed to write it down...
- My favorite composer is Opus.
- Most people agree that renaissance music was written in the past.
- A harp is just a piano without a case around it.
- There are instruments in a lot of shapes, sizes and orchestras.


----------



## Lunasong

brianwalker said:


> What's with all these viola jokes?


A scholarly paper to answer your question.
*No Laughing Matter: The Viola Joke as Musician's Folklore*
Presented by Carl Rahkonen at the National Meeting of the American Folklore Society and the Society for Ethnomusicology, October 21, 1994, Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Copyright (c) 1994.
http://www.mit.edu/~jcb/jokes/viola-presentation.html

A noted comic was recently flying to Berlin. He decided to strike up a conversation with his seat mate.

"I've got a great violist joke. Would you like to hear it?"

"I should let you know first that I am a violist".

"That's OK. I'll tell it real slow!"


----------



## Lunasong

Organ practice: Private performance of a duet for organ and vacuum cleaner.

Pardon?: The standard answer when someone asks you why you play the organ so loudly.

Trumpet: Stop on an organ, so named because it sounds nothing like a trumpet.

Unaccompanied: When a choir sings without the organ playing. For some reason, this often makes the organ suddenly go sharp.

When the family returned from Sunday morning service, father criticized the sermon, daughter thought the choir's singing was atrocious, and mother found fault with the organist's playing. 
The small boy of the family piped up, "But it was a good show for a dollar, don't you think, Dad?"

Why is a person who plays a pipe organ like a baby?
Because she plays with her feet!

I think I'd like to be an organist. That really would be a score. I might be orchestrated into playing but only if my bass pay was trebled. I guess it depends on the tone of my pitch. I need to blow my own trumpet. Pull out all the stops. Pedal my wares. Strike a chord with the dominant one, that's the key, and register my interest in manual work, but in the end let them think they're calling the tune.

***

A guy walks into a bar with a small dog. The bartender says, "Get out of here with that dog!"

The guy says, "But this isn't just any dog... this dog can play the piano!"

The bartender replies, "Well, if he can play that piano, you both can stay... and have a drink on the house!"

So the guy sits the dog on the piano stool, and the dog starts playing. Everything from Ragtime to Mozart, and the bartender and patrons are really enjoying the music.

Suddenly a bigger dog runs in, grabs the small dog by the scruff of the neck, and drags him out.

The bartender asks the guy, "What was that all about?"

The guy replies, "Oh, that was his mother. She wanted him to be a doctor."


----------



## Lunasong

Canon: Not to be confused with the ones required in the 1812 Overture which are spelled differently and which lack contrapuntal interest.

Fugue: There is an old saying that fugues are the type of music in which the voices come in one by one while the audience goes out one by one, but there is no statistical evidence to support this; 
audiences have been known to leave in droves.

Q) Why do musicians hate fish?
A) There are too many scales.

Q) What do you call a fish musician? 
A) A piano tuna.










Q) Ever wonder why so few wind instrument players also play piano? 
A) It's too hard to lift the piano on end to drain out the spit.

Q) There are two trombone players sitting in a car. Who's driving?
A) The policeman.

Q) Why aren't tubas used in country/western bands?
A) Because they are HEAVY METAL!!!!

Q) Why do trumpet players only use one hand to play their horn?
A) Because the other one is too busy.

Q) Why did the viola player cross the road? 
A) It was the chicken's day off.

Q) What do you do if you run over a viola player?
A) Back up.

Q) Why don't viola players suffer from hemorrhoids?
A) Because all the a**holes are in the violin section.

Q) What does a violinist do 2 hours after he locked his keys in the car? 
A) He tries to rescue the viola player who's still inside.

Q) What's the most beautiful sound a viola can make? 
A) "Splash".

Q) What do you get if you cross a viola player with a drummer? 
A) Seriously stupid kids.

Q) How do you know a clarinet player is playing loud? 
A) You can almost hear them.

Q) How do you get a clarinet player to play louder? 
A) You can't!

Q) What is better: bassoon or oboe? 
A) Bassoon; you can use it as a toilet plunger.

Q) What's wrong with oboes? 
A) Everything.

Q) What's the difference between a clarinet and a mouse? 
A) You can't hear a mouse squeak over the entire band!

A violinist says to his wife, "Oh, baby, I can play you just like my violin." 
His wife replies, "I'd rather have you play me like a harmonica!"

Q) What is a brain surgeon from Rome who plays the violin called? 
A) A Nero-surgeon.

Q) Why do violinists become good politicians? 
A) They've had a lifetime of practice waffling and shifting their position.

Q) How can you tell a harp from a motorcycle?
A) It is difficult because they both are associated with angels, and they both fit between your legs, but you can tune a Harley.

Q) What's the definition of an optimist?
A) A harpist with a tuner.

***
One week after moving into his first apartment, Ed called his mother to complain about his neighbors: "One woman cries all day, another lies in bed moaning, and then there's the guy that keeps banging his head against the wall."
"You better keep away from them," she said.
"I am, Mother. I stay inside all day playing my tuba."

***
A young man went out on a date with a trumpet player. When he returned, his roommate asked him, "well, how was your date? Did her embouchure make her a great kisser?" "No," replied the first young man, "her lips were hard and tight, and insensitive."

The following weekend he went out with a pretty tuba player. When his roommate inquired, he reported: "Yuck! Her lips were loose and slobbery, just gross!"

The next weekend he went out with a beautiful harpist. "I don't think I'll be going out with her again. I guess it's just habit, but every time she puts her arms around me, she starts tickling me!"


----------



## Renaissance

http://www.celesteh.com/music/testimonial.html

I guess(actually I hope) this is a joke too.


----------



## KenOC

Renaissance said:


> http://www.celesteh.com/music/testimonial.html
> 
> I guess(actually I hope) this is a joke too.


A snippet:
"At some point, I was reading a score of 4'33", a piece
of music written by John Cage that is just 4 minutes
and thirty three seconds of silence and I realized
what he did was not music at all, it was Satan's tool
for distracting me from God. I quit playing the tuba
and got rid of all my CDs."

Cage can have that effect on some people. :lol:


----------



## superhorn

What's the difference between a viola and an onion ?

Nobody cries when you cut up a viola !


----------



## Lunasong

How do sopranos defy the laws of astrophysics? 
The center of the universe shifts with every step they take. 

Altos: not to be confused with "Tom's toes," "Bubba's toes" or "Dori-toes".

How do you tell if a tenor is dead? 
The wine bottle is still full and the comics haven't been touched.

How many basses does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They're so macho they prefer to walk in the dark and bang their shins.


----------



## Lunasong

*Definitions:*

*Bassoon*: a bedpost with a bad case of gas. 
*Beat*: what music students do to each other with their instruments. 
*Concert*: a place where people go to cough and sneeze. 
*Conductor*: Someone who is able to follow many people at once. 
*Counterpoint*: a favorite device of many Baroque composers, all of whom are dead, though no direct connection between these two facts has been established. 
*Cut time*: when everyone else is playing twice as fast as you are. 
*Drummer*: someone who hangs around with musicians. 
*Fermata*: a brand of girdle made especially for opera singers. 
*Half step*: two piccolos playing in unison. 
*Male quartet*: three men and a tenor. 
*Oboe*: an ill wind that nobody blows good. 
*Octave*: an interval having eight diatonic steps or twelve chromatic steps (fifteen when sung by a tenor). 
*Phrase*: What teaching music does to your nerves. 
*Pitch*: a tossing motion frequently used by band students to hand in music. 
*Trombone*: A slide whistle with delusions of grandeur!


----------



## Lunasong

Watch: Orchestral Percussionist.


----------



## Lunasong

*Music*: A complex organizations of sounds that is set down by the composer, incorrectly interpreted by the conductor, who is ignored by the musicians, the result of which is ignored by the audience.

Q: How do you make musicians complain? 
A: Pay them.

Q: What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher? 
A: They both perceive time as an abstract concept.

Q: What has three legs and a butt on top? 
A: A drum stool.

The conductor repeatedly asked the trumpet section to play with more dynamics. 
The first trumpet player responded in frustration, "We're playing as loud as we can!"

There are two sides to a Trumpeter's personality. There is the one that lives only to lay waste to woodwinds, strings, horns, percussionists, and trombones, leaving them lying blue and lifeless alongside the swath of destruction that is the Trumpet's fury. And then there is the dark side.

Why would a tuba player get fired from any office job?
He's a low character, below the staff, and he spends too much time resting.


----------



## Lunasong

Q) How do you make your mom drive really fast? 
A) Put your viola in the middle of the road.

Q) What's the best thing to play on a viola? 
A) Solitaire.

Q) What's worse than a viola? 
A) Violas.

Q) What do you call a good musician at a viola competition?
A) A visitor.

Q) Where do viola players play best?
A) In traffic.

I recently had surgery on my hand, and asked the doctor if, after surgery, I would be able to play the viola. He said, "I'm doing surgery on your hand, not giving you a lobotomy."

Q) When do viola pieces sound the best?
A) When they're over.

Saint Peter, wanting the new arrivals to feel at home, promised to spend some quality time with each one. He asked his first arrival of the day, "Hi! What's your IQ?" 
"150," he said. 
"Great," said Peter, as he showed the man in, "we should get together tomorrow and discuss the Theory of Relativity for a while." He asked the next person, "What's your IQ?" 
"120," she said. 
"Fine, fine," said Peter, "I'd love to take some time with you Wednesday to discuss current world politics." To the third person, he asked, "What's your IQ?" 
"42," drawled the fellow. 
"Fantastic!" cried Peter, "I've been looking for years for somebody to help me perform a viola duet!"

For three years, the young viola player had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, and stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! 
"Katie, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!" 
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talking and decided it would be better to have a ******* in the family than a viola player."

Q) How many strings does a viola have?
A) Four too many.

A viola player is like an appendix. They can both be a big pain sometimes, you don't miss them when they're gone, and no one's figured out what good they are.

Q) What's this: X X X ? 
A) Three violists co-signing a loan.

Upon hearing from his doctor that he only had six months to live, a man exclaimed, "But doctor, is there anything I can do?" 
"I'm afraid not." said the doctor. "But there is one thing you could try..." 
"What, what, I'll try anything..." 
"Find yourself a homely girl that plays the viola and move to Pittsburgh." 
"Will that help me live longer?" 
"No, but it will make time go by really slowly..."

Q) Why don't viola players get any mail?
A) Because they can't read notes!

Q) Why was the violist staring at the Orange Juice?
A) Because the label said "Concentrate."

Q) Why was the violist up on the roof? 
A) Because they told him the drinks were on the house.

Q) What do violists and bottles of beer have in common?
A) They're both empty from the neck up.

Sign on a street near the music hall: "Drive Safely--Don't kill a child." To which someone added, "Wait for a violist!"

Q) Why was the violist walking his kids to school everyday?
A) Because they're in the same grade.

A string trio is on their way back from a gig South of the border when they get arrested for playing after dark. The judge quickly sentences them to death. At dawn the next morning the band finds themselves looking at the business end of a firing squad. "Ready, Aim,..." 
"Earthquake!" yells the violinist which distracts the guards long enough so she can jump over the wall to freedom. 
"Ready, Aim,..." 
"Flood!" yells the cellist who jumps over the wall to freedom. 
Now the viola player is starting to catch on. 
"Ready, Aim,..." 
"Fire!" yells the violist as loud as he can...

Did you hear that they've isolated the gene for viola playing? It's the first step to a cure!

Three high rise construction workers are eating lunch, one of whom is a viola player on the side. "If I get a bologna sandwich in my lunch again tomorrow, I'm gonna jump!" they each exclaim one after another as they open up their lunch pails sitting on a steel girder high atop the half-finished building. The next day, one by one each opens his lunch. Sure enough the violist has another bologna sandwich, and jumps. "Wow! I really feel sorry for the poor guy..." "Don't feel sorry for him; he makes his own lunch!"

Violist: "When I die, I want to leave the world a better place." 
Violinist: "Don't worry...you will."


----------



## Lunasong




----------



## KenOC

How do you get a bass player off your doorstep? 
Pay for the pizza. 

What happens when you play a country song backwards? 
You get your farm back, you get your wife back, you get your dog back...


----------



## KenOC

Musician: Did you hear my last concert? 
Critic: I hope so. 

What's the difference between an extra-large pizza and a composer? 
The extra-large pizza can feed a family of four. 

Why does a violinist have a handkerchief under his chin when he plays? 
Because violins have no spit valve. 

What's the difference between the violin section and the viola section of an orchestra? 
About half a measure.


----------



## Lunasong

Q) What does a soprano say when you blow in her ear?
A) "Thanks for the refill."

Q) Why did the soprano stop singing?
A) She was hit by a bus.

Q) How do you get tenors to blend?
A) With a blender.

Q) What did the pirate musician say?
A) Shiver me timbres!

I’m so sick of people thinking they can just waltz into my room when I’m obviously listening to music in 4/4.

A down and out musician was playing his violin in the middle of a busy shopping mall. Striding over, a policeman asked, “May I please see your permit?” 
I don’t have one,” confessed the musician.
“In that case, you’ll have to accompany me.”
“Splendid!” exclaimed the musician. “What do you want to sing?”

Q) Why was the music theorist drunk?
A) He tried to use a fifth with his tonic.

Q) What does F-A-C-E spell?
A) F Major 7

Q) How do you know if someone’s a really good trumpet player?
A) He’ll tell you.

Q) Who was the barrista’s favorite composer?
A) Chai-kovsky 

Q) What do you give a woodwind player for Christmas? 
A) Flute cake.


----------



## Lunasong

*YOU MIGHT BE A MUSICIAN IF*:

-your phone is turned off for 2 hours or more a day so you can practice.

-you are more worried about breaking a finger then breaking a leg.

-Bach is not just a funny sound you can make in your throat.

-you spend more money on books, instrument supplies, private lessons, and classes then rent, food, and bills combined; and you have more than one job to pay for everything.

-playing The Flight of the Bumblebee is as easy as reciting the alphabet.

-you know that normally The Flight of the Bumblebee is not that easy a piece.

-the thought of taking a break, if only for a week, sounds crazy and suicidal.

-you listen to PDQ Bach and get all of the jokes.

-that irritating song that's been running through your head for two weeks is by Mozart.

-you notice you are drumming your fingers on the table to the rhythm of the classical music being played at the restaurant.

-you walk down the hall singing the bass line to Beethoven's 7th and you wonder why people look at you funny.

- you consider Stravinsky's "Rite of Spring" march-able.

-you prefer playing your instrument to having sex.

-you know and can recite all the musician jokes in score order!

-getting the sniffles is a true catastrophe.

-you walk around conducting the Verdi Requiem, Dvorak Requiem, Bruckner e-minor Mass, Beethoven 7, etc., and wonder why people are looking at you funny.

-you can roughly translate any Latin text, but you've never taken a Latin class.

-your co-workers can tell what you are listening to on your headphones by the way you are typing.

-you're willing to shell out $16 for a score to 4'33".

-you know what 4'33" is.

-you know Tchaikovsky's full name AND all its spellings.

-you have played more instruments than the average person can name.

-you own more in sheet music than in CDs or MP3s.

-you can define the difference between a sonata and a concerto.

-you know more than 100 jokes about violas.

-you know any jokes about players of any other specific instruments.

-you took more semesters of foreign languages that you hardly ever use than English.

-you have expelled more hot air than your average politician.

-you actually cheered on the marching band in high school.

-you have ever played anything by Bela Bartok.

-you had carpal tunnel before computers became popular, or have injured yourself more times in a seated position than standing up.


----------



## BurningDesire

Lunasong said:


> *YOU MIGHT BE A MUSICIAN IF*:
> 
> -your phone is turned off for 2 hours or more a day so you can practice.
> 
> -you are more worried about breaking a finger then breaking a leg.
> 
> -Bach is not just a funny sound you can make in your throat.
> 
> -you spend more money on books, instrument supplies, private lessons, and classes then rent, food, and bills combined; and you have more than one job to pay for everything.
> 
> -playing The Flight of the Bumblebee is as easy as reciting the alphabet.
> 
> -you know that normally The Flight of the Bumblebee is not that easy a piece.
> 
> -the thought of taking a break, if only for a week, sounds crazy and suicidal.
> 
> -you listen to PDQ Bach and get all of the jokes.
> 
> -that irritating song that's been running through your head for two weeks is by Mozart.
> 
> -you notice you are drumming your fingers on the table to the rhythm of the classical music being played at the restaurant.
> 
> -you walk down the hall singing the bass line to Beethoven's 7th and you wonder why people look at you funny.
> 
> - you consider Stravinsky's "Rite of Spring" march-able.
> 
> -you prefer playing your instrument to having sex.
> 
> -you know and can recite all the musician jokes in score order!
> 
> -getting the sniffles is a true catastrophe.
> 
> -you walk around conducting the Verdi Requiem, Dvorak Requiem, Bruckner e-minor Mass, Beethoven 7, etc., and wonder why people are looking at you funny.
> 
> -you can roughly translate any Latin text, but you've never taken a Latin class.
> 
> -your co-workers can tell what you are listening to on your headphones by the way you are typing.
> 
> -you're willing to shell out $16 for a score to 4'33".
> 
> -you know what 4'33" is.
> 
> -you know Tchaikovsky's full name AND all its spellings.
> 
> -you have played more instruments than the average person can name.
> 
> -you own more in sheet music than in CDs or MP3s.
> 
> -you can define the difference between a sonata and a concerto.
> 
> -you know more than 100 jokes about violas.
> 
> -you know any jokes about players of any other specific instruments.
> 
> -you took more semesters of foreign languages that you hardly ever use than English.
> 
> -you have expelled more hot air than your average politician.
> 
> -you actually cheered on the marching band in high school.
> 
> -you have ever played anything by Bela Bartok.
> 
> -you had carpal tunnel before computers became popular, or have injured yourself more times in a seated position than standing up.


You might also be a musician if you make music


----------



## Lunasong

There was an orchestra conductor who took classical music very seriously. He believed it was the key to harmony and world peace, and, of course, a universal language that speaks to all peoples, no matter their background.
To demonstrate this he booked his orchestra on a tour of the remotest parts of Africa, places that had never seen modern civilization - no electricity, no telephones, no cars, nothing. On the first night of the tour he arranged a concert that was attended by all the inhabitants for miles around. They listened intently as the orchestra played several iconic classical selections.
Afterwards he sat with the village elder, certain that his assumptions would be confirmed. With great confidence he asked the man, "Well, what did you think of the music?"
The elder replied, "It was wonderful, except it was a little difficult to hear the drums over all that noise!"

A trombonist goes to the doctor complaining of tiredness and headaches and reports, "I feel tired all the time, my head hurts, and I'm not sleeping. What is it, Doc?"
The doctor examines him thoroughly and says, "I can't find anything wrong. It must be the drinking."
"Fair enough," replied the trombone player. "I'll come back when you're sober."


----------



## Lunasong

Paolo Esperanza, bass-trombonist with the Simfonica Mayor de Uruguay, in a misplaced moment of inspiration decided to make his own contribution to the cannon shots fired as part of the orchestra's performance of Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture at an outdoor children's concert. In complete seriousness he placed a large, ignited firecracker, which was equivalent in strength to a quarter stick of dynamite, into his aluminum straight mute and then stuck the mute into the bell of his quite new Yamaha in-line double-valve bass trombone.

Later, from his hospital bed he explained to a reporter through bandages on his mouth, "I thought that the bell of my trombone would shield me from the explosion and, instead, would focus the energy of the blast outward and away from me, propelling the mute high above the orchestra, like a rocket."

However, Paolo was not up on his propulsion physics nor qualified to use high-powered artillery and, in his haste to get the horn up before the firecracker went off, he failed to raise the bell of the horn high enough so as to give the mute enough arc to clear the orchestra. What actually happened should serve as a lesson to us all during those delirious moments of divine inspiration.

First, because he failed to sufficiently elevate the bell of his horn, the blast propelled the mute between rows of players in the woodwind and viola sections of the orchestra, missing the players and hurling the mute straight into the stomach of the conductor, driving him off the podium and directly into the front row of the audience. Fortunately, the audience were sitting in folding chairs and thus they were protected from serious injury, for the chairs collapsed under them passing the energy of the impact of the flying conductor backwards into row of people sitting behind them, who in turn were driven back into the people in the row behind and so on, like a row of dominoes. The sound of collapsing wooden chairs and grunts of people falling on their behinds increased logarithmically, adding to the overall sound of cannons and brass playing as constitutes the closing measures of the Overture.

Meanwhile, all of this unplanned choreography not withstanding, back on stage Paolo's Waterloo was still unfolding. According to Paolo, "Just as I heard the sound of the blast, time seemed to stand still. Everything moved in slow motion. Just before I felt searing pain in my mouth, I could swear I heard a voice saying, "For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction!" Well, this should come as no surprise, for Paolo had set himself up for a textbook demonstration of this fundamental law of physics. Having failed to plug the lead pipe of his trombone, he allowed the energy of the blast to send a super-heated jet of gas backwards through the mouth pipe of the trombone, which exited the mouthpiece, burning his lips and face.

The pyrotechnic ballet wasn't over yet. The force of the blast was so great it split the bell of his shiny Yamaha right down the middle, turning it inside out while, at the same time, propelling Paolo backwards off the riser. And for the grand finale, as Paolo fell backwards he lost his grip on the slide of the trombone allowing the pressure of the hot gases coursing through the horn to propel the trombone's slide like a double golden spear into the head of the 3rd clarinetist, knocking him unconscious and fracturing his skull. I would think the moral of this story is, Beware the next time you hear someone in the trombone section yell out, "Hey, y'all, watch this!"

This story has been debunked as there is NO 3rd clarinet part in the _Overture._


----------



## Lunasong

Q) What's the difference between Ravel's Bolero and an Uzi?
A) Bolero only repeats 18 times.

Q) What do you call Daisy Duck when she leads the orchestra? 
A) A con-duck-tor.










While at a concert being performed by a very bad community orchestra, our TC member Jaws was asked what he'd like them to play next. "Dominoes," he replied.

A jazz piano player is booked to play as a guest soloist with a famous classical orchestra. Knowing the reputation of jazz musicians, the director is surprised to see him arrive early. He is even more surprised to hear the jazz pianist perform Stravinsky to perfection, and is wide-eyed with amazement when he suggests modifications to the score. Feeling remorseful, the conductor approaches the pianist. 
"I must be honest. After hearing so much criticism concerning the behaviour of jazz musicians, I was very prejudiced and I expected a total disaster. Instead, I am astonished by your understanding of the music and your absolute professionalism. Please accept my apologies."
"That's alright man," said the piano player. "Don't mention it. By the way, I forgot to tell you I got another gig that night so I'm sending a substitute."

A locked-out orchestral musician goes to the doctor to hear the results of a physical check up. 
Doctor: I'm afraid I've got some bad news. You only have three weeks to live. 
Musician: On what?

I was once a piccolo player in an orchestra that traveled around Europe. First we went to England and played for the Queen. She said "Simply marvelous!! Fill their instruments with gold!" So they filled the tuba with gold and the trombone with gold and damnit.....I play piccolo. 
So then we played for the King of France and he declared "Formidable!! Fill their instruments with silver!!" So they filled the tuba with silver and the trombone with silver and damnit.....I play piccolo.
Finally we played for the Czar of Russia. He interrupted right in the middle and shouted, "They are TERRIBLE!! Shove their instruments up their behinds!!!" And the tuba wouldn't fit, and the trombone wouldn't fit.......and damnit.....I play piccolo.

A great classical conductor told an audience who demanded an encore: "Applause is a receipt, not a bill."

In today's electronic age it is a rare occurence to find a full orchestra assembled in a recording studio. One such occasion was the recording of a lucrative and very successful Broadway musical. 
A studio musician, arriving late for the rehearsal, looked around in amazement at the large number of musicians filling the studio to capacity. 
"Wow!" he was heard to exclaim. "This must be putting two keyboard players out of work."


----------



## Lunasong

*Things Every High School Band Director Wants to Hear (But Never Will)*

[From the administration]

I guess we'll have to hire another band director to help you guys out.
I like this budget proposal. Are you sure you don't need more?
An all-state tuba player is moving into your district. Is it too late to put her in band?
What time is your concert tonight?
Are you sure you don't want to take the band on another field trip this semester?
We want to give you another page in the yearbook.

[From the students]

I'll be happy to organize your library files!
You're a cool band director.
Yes, Sir.
Can we play a Sousa march?
You want us to march in 110 degrees? No problem!
But I want to play!!!
I cleaned my instrument last night.
I only have four reeds that are playing properly. Could you sell me another box of reeds?
Lip slurs and long tones are really fun!
I love sightreading!
All of my fund raising money is in on time.
This parade is too short!
Can we have a sectional after school?
Are you sure that two hours a day is enough practice?


----------



## superhorn

As far as I know, this is a true story . In the 1920s, when Carl Nielsen went to London to conduct the 
London symphony orchestra in a program of his music , he addressed the orchestra this way 
at the first rehearsal . "Good morning gentlemen, I'm glad to see you. I hope I'm also glad to hear you ."


----------



## stanchinsky

"I'll be Bach",


----------



## superhorn

Back in colonial America , Willam Penn as a young man had two aunts who had rival pie making businesses .
The two were always competing with each other to set the best prices .
This was quite notorious back then and became known as "The pie rates of Penn's Aunts ".


----------



## Lunasong

It was the first day of school and the teacher thought she'd get to know the kids by asking them their names and what their fathers did for a living. 
The first little girl said, "My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman."
The next little boy said, "I'm Andy and my Dad is a mechanic."
It was then little Johnny's turn and he said "My name is Johnny and my father is a striptease dancer in a cabaret for gay men."
The teacher gasped and quickly moved on, but later, in the school yard, the teacher approached Johnny privately and asked if it was really true that his Dad dances nude in a gay bar.
Little Johnny blushed and said, "Nah, he's really a trombone player but I was just too embarrassed to say so."

A guy walks up to the band director and inquires about joining the band. The director says,"Sure, you can join the trombone section." The guy replies, "But I don't play the trombone." "Well," the director replies "Neither does anyone in our trombone section!!!"

During a rehearsal a conductor asked a trombone player if he could play the solo part more beautifully. 
"It's beautiful when it goes in," replied the trombone player, "It just sounds ugly when it comes out!"

Two sharks are swimming around the wreck of the 'Titanic' discussing the pickings they enjoyed after the fatal shipwreck. 
"I got this big, fat, juicy guy," said the first. "Had lots of meat on him, must have been a rich banker."
"I got this very skinny guy, all skin and bones, still holding on to his trombone as he went under," said the other. "Hardly any meat at all. But mmmmm! What a liver!"

Trombonist: I've started a special diet.
Doctor: Really? What kind of diet is it? A high fibre diet? 
Trombonist: No, a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

It is difficult to trust anyone whose instrument changes shape as he plays it!

Q) How do trombone players deal with intonation?
A) They let it slide.

Q) What is the difference between a trombone player and junk food? 
A) Junk food has taste.

I started out with one trombone. Then my teacher gave me another, then a music shop went out of their way to sell me one, then, the other day, a man at my church came up and offered to give me one free. I started wondering why people were so generous. Then I realized that they were unloading them on someone stupid enough to take them.

I hope my sister likes her Christmas presents.


----------



## Lunasong




----------



## Lunasong

Q) What is a piano player's favorite kind of food?
A) All Natural!

Q) Which one of the following does not belong: Herpes, measles, AIDS, trumpet players?
A) Measles--You can get rid of the measles.

Q)What do you get when you mix a flute player and a fifth of scotch?
A) A pie-eyed piper.

A drummer at Conservatory is taking his ear-training exam, which involves the teacher playing a series of chords on the piano and the student having to identify them. 
Teacher (plays a simple three note C major triad on the piano): What is this? 
Drummer: Wow, that's pretty hard. But I think if I hear it again I can tell you what it is. 
Teacher (plays the chord again): So, what is it? 
Drummer: It's very difficult, but I think if you play it just one more time I've got it... 
Teacher (plays chord again): Well? 
Drummer: I've got it! It's a piano!

Q) How can you tell when a clarinet player is at your door?
A) The doorbell squeaks!

Customer: Can you play something we can dance to? 
Band leader: Why don't you dance something we can play to.

Q) What is the definition of a super tonic? 
A) A tonic that comes with the gin already in it.

A studio teacher would introduce his students to other musicians in the following way: 
"I'd like to introduce you to some promising students. But these are going to have to do instead."


----------



## Lunasong

Anecdote:

Albert Einstein (1879-1955), German born physicist; lived in the US after 1933 in Princeton, New Jersey. Einstein played violin in a string quartet. He thoroughly enjoyed it, but the other musicians were less enthusiastic. One of the other players confided, "He can't count."


----------



## Lunasong

My favourite composer is Handel, who later joined up with Hinge and Bracket to form The Doors.

Q) How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a violist?
A) The size of their egos.

Q) What do you call 10 drummers sitting in a circle?
A) A dope ring.

Q) What is the soprano's motto? 
A) Wherever ego, I go.

I think my French horn is leading a double life.

A trumpet player and his neighbour are talking about the value of their respective houses. 
Trumpeter: I've just had my house valued at $250,000. 
Neighbour: How is that possible? My house is exactly the same as yours and was recently valued at $100,000. 
Trumpeter: Yeah, but I don't have a trumpet player living next door.

Definition of a flute: a sophisticated pea shooter with a range up to 500 yards, blown traversely to confuse the enemy.


----------



## superhorn

According to one story, Einstein's inability to come in right caused one musician to say, "Albert, your time is relative today ".


----------



## Lunasong

Learning French horn: the haiku.
Frack frack frack frack frack
Frack frack frack frack frack frack frack
Frack frack frack frack frack.

A trumpet player goes through customs where he is stopped by a suspicious customs officer. 
Customs officer: Excuse me, sir. Is that a musical instrument?
Trumpeter: Sometimes.

A soprano had just totaled her car in a devastating accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. 
"Oh my gosh!" the trooper gasped, "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK, ma'am?" 
"Yes, officer, I'm just fine!" the vocalist chirped. 
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. 
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the soprano began. "I was driving along this road when, from out of nowhere, this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was..." 
"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off. 
"There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth".


----------



## Lunasong

*Pop Quiz for String Quartets*​
1. How does Beethoven's Op. 18, No. 1 begin?

down bow
up bow
softly, but with character
every year

2. The best use for a metronome is to:

learn a composer's intent regarding tempo
determine appropriate tempo relationships
be a practice aid
humiliate a colleague

3. Many quartet players feel the most disconcerting audience distraction to be:

beeping watches during Beethoven's _Cavatina_
picture-taking (with flash) during Haydn's _Seven Last Words of Christ_
rustling of cellophane candy wrappers during the slow movement of Ravel's quartet
loud wagering between movements of Alban Berg's _Lyric Suite_

4. The most important function of a cellist's endpin is to:

keep the cello from sliding on stage during a performance
ruin one's colleagues' living room carpet
set off airport security alarms
restore order during arguments at rehearsal

5. What is the best edition of Mozart quartets and why?

Bärenreiter because of its superior scholarship
Henle because it's an _Urtext_ edition
Peters because it's traditional
G. Schirmer because it's cheap

6. When it is best for the first violinist to take a solo bow?

after Haydn's _"Lark" Quartet_
after Mendelssohn's _Octet_
after an all-Bach solo recital
while everyone else is still backstage arguing

7. The primary function of a music review is to:

educate and enlighten the public
promote local concerts
inspire performers to maintain their highest standards
make the paper thick enough to meet the demands of any untrained puppy

8. Amateur quartet players (especially doctors) have the following advantages over professional players:

they approach the music with freshness
they are more concerned with musical product than technical perfection
they own most of the world's great instruments

9. What is the most effective way to offend a concert sponsor?

don't show up at the reception
leave the reception after 5 minutes
arrive on a flight other than the one the sponsor was asked to meet

10. When do most quartet first violinists leave first position?

never
whenever string crossings produce unwanted timbres
only when the composer specifically indicates it (ex.: finale of Beethoven's Op. 50, No. 3)
when all but one string have broken

11. What is the most challenging audience?

New York
Vienna
London
any that includes present or former students

12. Certain French and Czech editions (as of Ravel and Janácek) are well known to quartet players because they are:

the most authoritative editions
too large to fit in one's case
printed on paper rejected by Charmin

13. When may a quartet second violinist be too loud?

in the slow movement of the Schubert two cello quintet (but only at the first rehearsal)
during the _Grosse Fuge_ (when everyone else is playing as loudly as possible)
when playing at the first violinist's funeral
when his mother is in the audience

14. What should you do when you are lost in the _Grosse Fuge_ during rehearsal?

try to find the place
stop immediately
play anything (concerto, solo sonata, études, etc.)
knock over your music stand so you have an excuse for another start

15. Most arguments in quartet rehearsals occur over:

intonation
phrasing
balance
and over


----------



## peeyaj

Q: What would happen if Wagner would write Schubert's Great C Major Symphony?

A: He would produce all Bruckner' symphonies.


----------



## Huilunsoittaja

Lunasong said:


> A trumpet player goes through customs where he is stopped by a suspicious customs officer.
> Customs officer: Excuse me, sir. Is that a musical instrument?
> Trumpeter: Sometimes.
> 
> A soprano had just totaled her car in a devastating accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
> "Oh my gosh!" the trooper gasped, "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK, ma'am?"
> "Yes, officer, I'm just fine!" the vocalist chirped.
> "Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
> "Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the soprano began. "I was driving along this road when, from out of nowhere, this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was..."
> "Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off.
> "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth".


Both of those are really good hahaha


----------



## Lunasong

superhorn said:


> According to one story, Einstein's inability to come in right caused one musician to say, "Albert, your time is relative today ".


After playing the violin for the cellist Gregor Piatigorsky, Albert Einstein asked, "Did I play well?"
"You played relatively well," replied Piatigorsky.


----------



## Lunasong

According to a story in the _San Francisco Chronicle_, the wall above one of the fixtures in the ladies' room of a Sausalito café bore the sign, "Please Wiggle Handel," under which someone had scrawled, "If I do, will it Wiggle Bach?"

Saint Peter is checking ID's at the Pearly Gates, and first comes a Texan. "Tell me, what have you done in life?" says St. Peter.
The Texan says, "Well, I struck oil, so I became rich, but I didn't sit on my laurels--I divided all my money among my entire family in my will, so our descendants are all set for about three generations."
St. Peter says, "That's quite something. Come on in. Next!"
The second guy in line has been listening, so he says, "I struck it big in the stock market, but I didn't selfishly just provide for my own like that Texan guy. I donated five million to Save the Children."
"Wonderful!" says Saint Peter. "Come in. Who's next?"
The third guy has been listening, and says timidly with a downcast look, "Well, I only made five thousand dollars in my entire lifetime."
"Goodness!" says St. Peter. "What instrument did you play?"

*Performance Criteria for Hiring and Promotion
in University Music Departments*​
Rate the candidate/your colleague on each of the following criteria. Keep track of how many first, second, etc. answers you give the candidate/colleague.

Quality of work:

Leaps tall buildings with a single bound from a standing stop.
Must take running start to leap tall buildings with a single bound.
Leaps over short buildings only or medium buildings with no spires.
Crashes into buildings.
Cannot recognize buildings, much less jump over them.

Timeliness of completion:

Faster than a speeding bullet.
A little slower than a speeding bullet.
Not quite as fast as a speeding bullet.
Compares less favorably to a bullet lying on the table.
Shoots self in foot.

Reliability of Output:

Walks on water consistently.
Walks on water in emergencies.
Washes with water.
Drinks water.
Passes water when terrified.

Strength of Initiative:

Stronger than a locomotive.
Stronger than a bull elephant.
Stronger than a bull.
Shoots the bull.
Smells like a bull.

Communication Skills:

Talks with God.
Talks with angels.
Talks to himself.
Argues with himself.
Loses arguments with himself.

Publications:

Publishes books.
Writes regularly for scholarly journals.
Writes good articles.
Writes bad articles.
Writes bad checks.

Recitals and Performance:

Frequent solos and recitals.
Knows current repertory.
Knows first 8 bars of current repertory.
Plays infrequently; instrument dusty.
Plays golf; instrument in pawn.

Scoring:

Mostly 1: Far exceeds job requirements - - do not hire or promote, as faculty anarchy will ensue immediately because candidate is tremendously over-qualified or is an agent for a government organization.

Mostly 2: Exceeds job requirements - - do not hire or promote, as other faculty will complain and be jealous.

Mostly 3: Meets job requirements - - do not hire or promote, as other faculty will be suspicious of favoritism.

Mostly 4: Needs improvement meeting job requirements - - possible hire/definite promotion, as other faculty will not feel threatened.

Mostly 5: Does not meet job requirements - - do not hire or promote, as faculty anarchy will ensue immediately because candidate will have a less-demanding job.

Hiring/Promotion Decision:

Toss score sheets in the trash. The chairperson's spouse/niece/cousin/yardman will be hired for this position.

No promotions will be made this year. Excess funds will go toward refurbishing chairperson's office.


----------



## Lunasong

Q) How can you tell if a classical guitarist is a dreamer?
A) He has an agent.

Q) How can you tell if a classical guitarist is insane?
A) He has an agent and a publicist.

A) What is God's favourite chord? 
Q) G sus.

A journalist asked Andres Segovia, the great Spanish classical guitarist, what he thought the difference was between a guitar and an electric guitar. 
He answered, "There are chairs and there are electric chairs."


----------



## Lunasong

Top Ten Reasons for Being a Soprano
10) The rest of the choir exists just to make you look good.
9) You can entertain your friends by breaking their wine glasses.
8) Can you name an opera where an alto got the man?
7) When sopranos want to sing in the shower, they know the tune.
6) It's not like you are ever going to sing the alto part by accident.
5) To wear great costumes - - like the hat with the horns on it.
4) How many world famous altos can you name?
3) When the fat lady sings, she's usually singing soprano.
2) When you get tired of singing the tune, you can sing the descant.
1) You can sing along with Michael Jackson.

Top Ten Reasons for Being an Alto
10) You get really good at singing E-flat. And D, too.
9) You get to sing the same note for 12 consecutive measures.
8) You don't really need to warm up to sing 12 consecutive bars of E-flat. Or D.
7) If the choir sounds really awful, it's unlikely the altos will be blamed.
6) You have lots of time to chat during soprano solos.
5) You know you are better than the sopranos because everybody knows that women only sing soprano so they don't have to learn to read music.
4) You can sometimes find part time work singing tenor.
3) Altos get all the great intervals.
2) When the sopranos are holding some outrageously high note at the end of an anthem, the altos always get the last words.
1) When the altos miss a note, nobody gets hurt.

Top Ten Reasons for Being a Tenor
10) Tenors get high without drugs.
9) Name a musical where the bass got the girl.
8) You can show the sopranos how it should be sung.
7) Did you ever hear of anyone paying $1000 for a ticket to see The Three Basses?
6) Who needs brains when you've got resonance?
5) Tenors never have to waste time looking through the self-improvement section of the bookstore.
4) You get to sing along with John Denver singing "Calypso."
3) When you get really good at falsetto, you can make tons of money doing voice-overs for cartoon characters.
2) Gregorian chant was practically invented for tenors. Nobody invented a genre for basses.
1) You can entertain your friends by impersonating Julia Child.

Top Ten Reasons for Being a Bass
10) You don't have to tighten your shorts to reach your note.
9) You don't have to worry about a woman stealing your job.
8) Or a pre adolescent boy.
7) Action heroes are always basses. That is, if they ever sang, they would sing bass.
6) You get great memorable lyrics like "bop", "bop," "bop," and "bop".
5) If the singing job doesn't work out, there's always broadcasting.
4) You never need to learn to read the treble clef.
3) If you get a cold, so what?
2) For fun, you can sing at the bottom of your range and fool people into thinking there's an earthquake.
1) If you belch while you're singing, the audience just thinks it's part of the score.


----------



## Lunasong

Not really a joke but a truthful article written in a humourous manner.

5 Bizarre Dark Sides to Modern Orchestras 









_Tank fly boss walk jam nitty gritty. You're listening to the boy from the big bad city. This is jam hot._


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## KenOC

Lunasong said:


> Not really a joke but a truthful article written in a humourous manner.


I laughed, but it hurt.


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## Lunasong




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## lorelei




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## Lunasong

*New Recordings​*These compositions may be considered basic to a well-rounded, impressive-looking, music collection. The recorded versions cited here are outstanding for interpretation, fidelity, or the pretty picture on the cover.

Bach, THE ILL-TEMPERED COMPOSER 
Rearguard BG 10478 
Claudio Rrrowrr, Pianist

Beethoven, "EROTICA" SYMPHONY 
Telephon 900-1147-639 
Amsterdam Concertgeboom Orchestra 
Bernard Hijinks, Conductor

Beethoven, INFIDELIO OVERTURE 
Argive 647801 
Chorus & Orchestra of the Vienna State Opera for the Criminally Insane 
Carl Rictus, Conductor

Berlioz, "HARLOTS IN ITALY" 
Seraglio 1692 
William Pimpnose, Viola 
Montmartre Philandermonique de Chambre 
Nicolaus Hardoncourt, Conductor

Debussy, LA MERDE 
Nosuch II 455 
Academy of Prince Albert-in-the-Can 
Sir Colin Divot, Conductor

Gershwin, RHAPSODY IN PUCE 
Odium 199 
MTV Symphony Orchestra 
Leonard Sideburns, Conductor

Liszt, LES QUAALUDES 
Angle DS 144356 
Orchestra de la Suisse Watch 
Karl Boom, Conductor

Mendelssohn, ACCIDENTAL MUSIC TO A MIDSUMMER NIGHT'S DREAM 
Capitalist 3777 
Bathroom Festival Orchestra 
Daniel Barenbomb, Conductor

Mendelssohn, PEACE MARCH OF THE PRIESTS 
Deutsche Gestalt Gemütlichtkeit 3330-676 
Stuttgart Chamber of Commerce Orchestra 
Raymond Leper, Conductor

Mozart, THE MAGIC SLATE 
Argyle ML 34277 
Chorus & Orchestra of the Royal Opera House Covert Garden 
Sir Adrian Dolt, Conductor

Mozart, SYMPHONIE DISCONCERTANTE 
Enigma 67934 
Tom Glamoore, Violin; Pamela McCuddles-Edelweiss, Viola 
The FitzWilliam Hippocampus Consortium of Miami University School of Medicine
Akira Nintendo, Conductor

Offenbach, ORPHEUS IN HIS UNDERWEAR 
Erratum STU 77080 
I Solisti di Zig-Zagreb 
Loren Mazeltov, Conductor

Orff, CARMINA PIRANHA 
Megaphon 3455 33 
Academy of St. Christopher-on-the-Dashboard 
Sir Neville Marinara, Conductor 
With the Hangover Boys Choir

Prokofiev, PETER AND THE IMPERIALIST 
Turnover TVA 72333 
Eastman Kodak Symphony Orchestra 
Howard Handsome, Conductor

Purcell, TRUMPET INVOLUNTARY 
Serigraph S 52222 
Disneyland Wind Ensemble 
Wilhelm Fahrtwängler, Conductor

Respighi, ANCIENT ERRORS AND DUNCES FOR THE LOUT 
Telefunk CX342256 
Dumbarton Oaks Chamber Orchestra 
Rafael Freschbatch de Burgers, Conductor

Respighi, THE PINES OF YUMA 
Archaic DT347631 
Halley's Comet Orchestra 
Sir John Barbarian, Conductor

Rimsky-Korsakov, LE COQ AU VIN 
Turnoff TWA 503477 
Vienna Volkswagen Orchestra 
Richard Boinggg, Conductor

Schubert, "UNFURNISHED" SYMPHONY
Deutsche Gewürtztraminer Gazelleschaft 8988
New York Philanthropic Orchestra
Ernest Answerman, Conductor

Shostakovich, CONCERTO #1 FOR PIANO & TRUMPET
Deccadence 96534
Zoltan Coccyx, Piano; William Hips, Strumpeter
BidetPest Symphony Orchestra
WetOld Loutoslapstick, Conductor

Smetana, THE BUTTERED BRIDE
Argot ZPG 122
Barbarian Radio Orchestra
Hans Upp, Conductor

Stravinsky, THE FIREBUG
Arson Nova 911
Manuel de Falla Society Orchestra
Krzysztof Painindernecki, Conductor

Tacobell, CANNON
Megaphon 3445-34
English Chamberpot Orchestra
Claudio Abbadabba, Conductor

Tchaikovsky, TOBACCO VARIATIONS
Panatela 4739
Bert Urim-Thummin, Cello
The Philadelphia Tabernacle Strings
Eugene Mormondy, Conductor

Tchaikovsky, MARCHE SLOB
His Master's **** 1342
London Pandemonic Orchestra
Michael Teeter-Totter, Conductor

Verdi, THE SICILIAN VESPAS
Superphun 90210
Royal Pain Philharmonic Orchestra
Carl & Maria Giulini, Conductors

Children's Recordings (Recommended with reservations):

"FOUR COMPOSERS WHOSE NAMES YOU CAN TEACH YOUR DOG"
His Master's Voice 679
1. Bach
2. Orff
3. Bartok
4. Wolf

"THREE COMPOSERS WHOSE NAMES YOU CAN TEACH YOUR CAT"
1. Milhaud
2. Gliere
3. Auber


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## hawk

This list is too funny. I especially got a chuckle from the names of conductor and orchestra! Thanks


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## EddieRUKiddingVarese

Warning - YOU DID ASK FOR LAME

What did the composer say who lost his baton? "Go Telemann I've lost my baton!"

So this guy was writing a movie about Mozart, and he wanted Arnold Schwarzenegger (sp?) to play him. The former Terminator read the script and said, "I don't really want to play Mozart right now. But if you change the script a little bit, I'll be Bach."

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A flat minor.


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## Lunasong

A musician wakes up to find himself sitting in an orchestra composed of all the greatest performers who ever lived. Over in the cello section he recognizes Casals and Rostropovich, but he doesn't recognize the first violinist so he asks his seatmate. "Oh, Paganini's the concertmaster--and that's Sarasate next to him." He's flabbergasted--there's never been a greater orchestra and he's playing in it--it MUST be heaven! And then, the conductor strides to the podium; his chiseled visage stern with command, his silver hair gleaming as shafts of light stream down upon him. Just before he lifts his hands dramatically for the downbeat, our musician turns to his seatmate and asks, "Is that, is that..." "No" his seatmate interrupts, "That's God..he just THINKS he's von Karajan."

Karajan goes to the undertaker and wants to look at coffins -- something simple and economical, please. The undertaker interprets this in his own way and shows various models of fine material and elegant design, each of which is rejected. Finally the conductor insists on being shown simple wooden coffins and selects one. Undertaker, pained: "But tell me, Herr von Karajan, why, for such an important occasion, should you economize?"
Karajan, calm: "And why should I spend a fortune when I'm only staying three days?" 

Herbert von Karajan and his wife enter a hotel room: 
She - My god, it is cold in here. 
HvK - But, liebchen, when we are in private, you can call me Herbert. 

A Viennese cab driver picks up Herbert von Karajan. "Where to, sir?" the driver asks. "It doesn't matter," Karajan replies. "They want me everywhere."

Mozart was born in Salzburg, the birthplace of Herbert von Karajan.

Karajan once said that he was considering having himself cryogenically frozen, so that at some later date technology would enable his corpse to be brought back to life.

Herbert von Karajan and Leonard Bernstein were the greatest symphony conductors of all time. They met at the Met in New York, and Bernstein looked at von Karajan and said, “Herbie, I had a dream that God told me that I am the best conductor of all time.” Von Karajan said, “Lenny, I don’t recall that I would have made such a remark.”


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## superhorn

Shouldn't the Shostakovich concerto be "concerto for piano and strumpet "?


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## lorelei

C, E-flat and G go into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, but we don’t serve minors.” So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. D comes in and heads for the bathroom saying, “Excuse me. I’ll just be a second.” Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, “Get out! You’re the seventh minor I’ve found in this bar tonight.”

E-Flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, “You’re looking sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be a major development.”

Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural.

Eventually C sobers up and realizes in horror that he’s under a rest. C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of D.S. without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.


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## lorelei

Just heard this one: 

Knock knock 
who's there
Phillip Glass
Knock knock 
who's there
Phillip Glass
Knock knock 
who's there
Phillip glass
(etcetera)


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## Lunasong

^^ "Philip" Glass (I'm sensitive to spelling people's names correctly; nothing is more personal than one's name)

Q) What do you throw a drowning violist?
A) His viola!

Q) Why is the viola the most important instrument in the orchestra?
A) Every group needs someone to make fun of.

Q) How do you tune a viola?
A) Apparently, no one knows.

The violists were having a hard time with a section of one of the pieces we were learning, so the conductor said we could rest a bit while he worked on it with them. They played it more slowly, but still they were all over the place. So he put down his baton and clapped the rhythm for them, alone a couple of times, then he invited them to play while he clapped. Gradually he got them together, so he resumed conducting, first with his hands, then was able to change to using his baton. After a couple more run-throughs, he got them up to something approaching the target speed and I have to say it was beginning to sound great. 
He turned to all of us and said "What we have been doing here is called practising - please all of you try to find some time to do this at home!"

Advertisement: 
Established string quartet requires two violinists and a cellist.


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## Lunasong

Have enjoyed this particular classic comic for years and never before noted that Calvin was playing classical music...


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## Lunasong

Performing the cadenza:


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## Lunasong

In time for Valentine's Day:
*Musical Pick-up Lines*

Hey there. You must be the fifth scale degree of the diatonic scale, because you're always dominant in my thoughts.

Hey baby, are you a C major scale? Because you look all-natural to me.

You must be augmented because my love your you won't diminish.

I can help you out with some alternate fingerings if you want.

I hear you're a second bass. Want to go to third with me?

You make my heart go staccato.

The tempo of my heart changes from adagio to allegro whenever you walk into the room.

Are you a fermata? Because I want to hold you.

Composers know how to score.

You must be either a fourth or a fifth, because you're just perfect.

Baby, if I was V7, you would be my I, because without you, I'm incomplete.

It's true, baby, I may have treated other girls to a deceptive cadence in the past. But for you, it'll be V to I.

I've got a grand staff, so you'll need both hands on me.

Baby, you'd better lower your pitch, 'cause right now, you're lookin' sharp!

More here, including a selection slightly more risque:
http://musicalpickups.tumblr.com/master_list


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## jani

Lunasong said:


> In time for Valentine's Day:
> *Musical Pick-up Lines*
> 
> Hey there. You must be the fifth scale degree of the diatonic scale, because you're always dominant in my thoughts.
> 
> Hey baby, are you a C major scale? Because you look all-natural to me.
> 
> You must be augmented because my love your you won't diminish.
> 
> I can help you out with some alternate fingerings if you want.
> 
> I hear you're a second bass. Want to go to third with me?
> 
> You make my heart go staccato.
> 
> The tempo of my heart changes from adagio to allegro whenever you walk into the room.
> 
> Are you a fermata? Because I want to hold you.
> 
> Composers know how to score.
> 
> You must be either a fourth or a fifth, because you're just perfect.
> 
> Baby, if I was V7, you would be my I, because without you, I'm incomplete.
> 
> It's true, baby, I may have treated other girls to a deceptive cadence in the past. But for you, it'll be V to I.
> 
> I've got a grand staff, so you'll need both hands on me.
> 
> Baby, you'd better lower your pitch, 'cause right now, you're lookin' sharp!
> 
> More here, including a selection slightly more risque:
> http://musicalpickups.tumblr.com/master_list


The moment when you try to use these while you are chatting with a person who isn't a musician.


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## obwan

Klavierspieler said:


> What was Beethoven doing in his grave?
> Decomposing!
> 
> YOHOHO!


The way I heard it it was:

2 guys are walking through a graveyard in vienna, when suddenly they hear "DUUUUM-DA-DA-DA". 
One asks the other "What the heck is that?"
The other guy replied "Oh that's just Beethoven decomposing."


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## Lunasong




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## Lunasong

Top Ten Reasons to play the Bassoon.

10. Some people consider it a phallic symbol
9. You can blow up a balloon by attaching it to the bell.
8. It makes a great kendo stick.








7. It can be used as a cattle prod.
6. The big end works great as a shop vac.
5. If you've lost your bong, you have it made.
4. If you cross an onion with a bassoon, you get music that brings tears to your eyes.
3. It works great as a crutch.
2. If you put the big end up against the wall, you can hear what the people in the other room are saying.
.
.
.
1. It looks awesome on the gun rack of your pickup.


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## Lunasong

Piano: A cumbersome piece of furniture found in many homes, where playing it ensures the early departure of unwanted guests.

Hydrogen, Gold, Terbium, Oxygen, Iodine, and Sulphur couldn't think of the French word for oboe. Unbeknownst to them, it was HAuTbOIS.

Q) What do you call a Spanish cat who plays the French horn?
A) Le gato!

I hear you rented some music equipment. I bet you had a one-night stand.










Orchestra strokes; band blows.

Is it racist that white notes are worth more than black notes?

How to play scales on the French horn:
1)	Take out horn.
2)	Cry.


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## Lunasong

Q: What's the difference between a euphonium and a drink machine? 
A: With the drink machine, you might actually get a Hi-C.

Q: What do you call a really bad trumpet player?
A: A treble clef baritone. 

baritone n: 1. vocal: someone who didn't make it as either a tenor or a bass; 2. instrumental: someone who didn't make it as either a tuba or a trombone; 3. a tuba that shrunk in the wash; 4. a trombone with taste; 5. an easier spelling of the word "euphonium." 

euphonium n: a baritone that knows somebody 

Top five reasons NOT to play the euphonium:
5: Not being allowed to play in a jazz band or a full orchestra.
4: Having to explain the differences between a baritone and a euphonium when you're really not sure yourself.
3: Having to hit both really high notes and really low notes.
2: Having to explain why your "tuba" is smaller than the rest.
1: No one knows what the heck it is.


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## Lunasong




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## Lunasong




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## Lunasong

What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
Violins have strings.
Fiddles have STRANGS.

In the beginning, there were only wind instruments in the orchestra. Then, they noticed that many of the people were too stupid to play wind instruments, so they gave them large boxes with wires strapped across them. These people were known as "strings". Then they noticed that some people were too dumb to play strings, so they were given two sticks and were told to hit whatever they wanted. These people were known as "percussionists". Finally, they noticed that one percussionist was so dumb, he couldn't even do that, so they took away one of his sticks and told him to go stand in front of everybody. And that was the birth of the first conductor.

***
A musician from the Chicago Symphony one day ran across an old lamp at a garage sale, took it home, washed it up, and out popped a genie. "Thank you kind sir for releasing me from this old lamp. I regret to say that you have encountered a poor, less powerful genie, and I can only grant you one wish, but wish away." said the genie.

"Oh that's wonderful. I think I would really like to make a difference in the world with my one wish.", said the musician. He thought for a moment and then reached for his atlas. "Here's a map of the Middle East. The people who live there have been fighting for years and years. For my one wish, I would like to bring peace to this land."

The genie, a little caught off guard, said "Oh, well, ah... that's a little bit too much for even this old master to handle. Aah, ya see, these people... they're involved in that touchy religious stuff, and, ah, the kids, ah, they begin fighting when they're just teenagers. I'm afraid you're going to have to make another wish."

"Well, okay." said the musician. "For my one wish, I would just once like to hear the Chicago Symphony viola section play in tune."

The genie quickly thought for a moment and replied, "Um, let me take a look at those maps again."


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## Huilunsoittaja

Lunasong said:


> In the beginning, there were only wind instruments in the orchestra. Then, they noticed that many of the people were too stupid to play wind instruments, so they gave them large boxes with wires strapped across them. These people were known as "strings". Then they noticed that some people were too dumb to play strings, so they were given two sticks and were told to hit whatever they wanted. These people were known as "percussionists". Finally, they noticed that one percussionist was so dumb, he couldn't even do that, so they took away one of his sticks and told him to go stand in front of everybody. And that was the birth of the first conductor.


OOOOOOH Burn! :lol: :lol: :lol:


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## Lunasong




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## peeyaj




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## peeyaj

Note: All images are with their respective copyright.


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## jani

peeyaj said:


> [/img]
> 
> Note: All images are with their respective copyright.


:lol: hahaha.....


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## peeyaj

*AND*










Note: All images are within their respective copyright.


----------



## peeyaj

Note: All images are within their respective copyright.


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## Lunasong




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## superhorn

What's the difference between a French horn player and a Scud missle ?
The Scud missle is more accurate .


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## Lunasong

*Commandments of Playing French Horn*

1.	Thou art always right. Always.
2.	To show that thy instrument is indeed the best, proceed to showing the low brass that thou canst play in their range. Then quickly proceed to showing up the trumpets in the high octaves.​3.	If thou art playing less than FFFFFF, thou art wrong.
4.	When warming up, make sure thou randomly squeel'st notes never written.
5.	Thou must perform "American Overture" while playing FFFFFFFF.
6.	Thou must not mingle with saxes. For they are beneath thee.
7.	Thou must memorize Mozart. For He is God, and His work the Bible.
8.	When thy conductor says "bring out the moving lines", thy half notes are STILL more important.
9.	Thou must always play with epic air. Anything less makes thou a trumpet, and a poor one at that.
10.	Thou art never "support" to a soloist, but rather the only interesting thing going on.
11.	Thy solo NEVER needs backup. If it does, thou art not playing well enough.
12.	If backup is written in the score, thou may'st bitchslap the composer.
13.	Dump thy spit into trumpet cases.
14.	Thou must be arrogant. For thou art required in every type of ensemble (Band, brass choir, woodwind choir, orchestra, etc)
15.	Horn women are hot, and should be worshipped.
16.	Ugly horn women are actually trumpet players in disguise. Kill them and dispose of the bodies.
17.	If thy conductor proceeds to make the horn players play offbeats, thou must pwn said offbeats and then complain loudly about how the trombones and trumpets never seem to get them right.
18.	Horn rips are written when the composer had nothing better for you to do. FFFFFF is bare minimum.
19.	Thou must respect thy 4th players. For whilst they may not be as good as thou art, they are playing horn.
20.	Thou shalt play whole notes louder than the tubas, for thou art better.
21.	Thou shalt make friends with the trombones. When world domination occurs, they are by far the best bet for slave labor.
22.	Thou mustn't worship the euphoniums for they are unimportant.
23.	Thou shalt come in loudly, even if thou comest in on the wrong partial.
24.	Sousa is the devil.
25.	Russian composers will make thee go low. Thou must be prepared to be the root for the tubas.
26.	Thou mustn't refer to thyself as "French Hornist"…or anything with "French" in it…for thou art not gay.
27.	Thou must always sound like pure sex whilst playing.
28.	Thou shalt have a social life.
29.	Thou shalt harmonize parts whenever it pleases thee.
30.	Thou shalt spend 30 minutes preparing thy instrument for playing, and even longer when it needs bathing.
31.	Thou shall not date flute players, for they are inferior.
32.	Thou shall make companions of bassoonists and oboists, for this is how it has been since time began.
33.	Thou must be thy band director's favourite.
34.	Thou must be louder than the alto saxophones.
35.	Thou must avoid talking to all forms of saxophones for they are inferior.









Plot Twist: Horns get the melody, woodwinds play offbeats.

I'm pretty sure the French horn has all the parts MacGyver needs to defuse a bomb.










Q) What's the difference between a trumpet player and a horn player?
A) Trumpet players think they are a gift from God and horn players know it.

French horn: 99 problems, but a reed ain't one.

The French horn is like a woman: beautiful, curvaceous, and filled with tubes I don't understand.


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## Huilunsoittaja

Lunasong said:


> 31.	Thou shall not date flute players, for they are inferior.


UMMMM...

I have a problem with that


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## peeyaj




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## Lunasong

"I play the horn!"

_"Which one?"_

"Oh, you know, the French horn."

_"Oh, okay, what does it look like?"_

"Um... you've definitely seen it... it's the one with all the loops... it's the instrument that plays (*hums Flight of the Valkyries*).."

_"Oooh yeah, that's the one where when you play it you get spit on your hand!"_

"..... Yeah."

Hornists, forever doomed to be known as the saliva-covered brass players. -_-


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## superhorn

Actually,it's not saliva, but condensation . Air circulating through brass instruments causes water to condense inside .


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## Lunasong




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## Lunasong

Learning to play an instrument requires 3% talent and 97% discipline enough to stay off the Internet long enough to practice.

Whilst in a Physics class...
•	*Teacher*: Name me some good conductors
•	*Me*: Herbert von Karajan, Leonard Bernstein and Gustavo Dudamel.
•	*Teacher*:
•	*Me*:
•	*Teacher*:
•	*Me*: Heh... And Copper?

There's this guy who has been stranded on a deserted island, all alone for 10 years. One day he sees a speck on the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes a gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?", "Ten years!" he says. She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!" Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a nice cold beer?" He replies, "Oh, God, it's been at least 10 years!" She reaches over, unzips the waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a dry ice pack from around an ice cold beer, hands it to him and watches as he take a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!" Then she starts unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?" ,the man replies, "Good God, woman!, don't tell me you've got a Trombone in there!".


----------



## jani




----------



## ahammel

What do you get when you serve an inventive Hungarian composer with three scoops of ice cream and a banana?

A Ligeti split.


Thank you, I'll be here all week!


----------



## jani

Here is a lame musical joke that i came up like a minute ago.
What does DEAD spell?
Dsus2


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## Lunasong

*The Viola Players Golden Rules For Ensemble Playing*

1.	Before starting to play, you should tune carefully; from then on, it is all right to play out of tune all evening.
2.	If you do not succeed in tuning to the correct pitch, it isn't your fault; it is due to your instrument's timbre.
3.	You should all play the same piece (remember what happened last time?)
4.	Keep calm; it's always the others who have the melody and solo parts.
5.	If you make a mistake, cast a disapproving look at one of the other players.
6.	Stop at every repeat; proceed to discuss at length whether or not to continue.
7.	Turn your pages with care, the fourth page seldom works as a continuation of the first.
8.	If you lose time turning your page, play fast all the way through to catch up. Be sure you do this loudly so the others can know to slow down.
9.	If all the other players are wrong, and you alone are right... try to play wrong as well.
10.	If you slow down on the eighth notes and rush the long ones you will usually come out about right.
11.	If you've miscounted and have lost your place beyond all hope, boldly announce that you think the others should stop and re-tune.
12.	Annotations like #,(flat), p, f, _cresc_, _decresc_, as well as any dots, lines, dashes, or slurs above, below, after, or before are of no consequence; during performance they can be altered or omitted. They are merely extras thrown in by the editor to screw you up.
13.	When all the other players are done playing, you should refrain from playing what you have left.


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## Lunasong

Huilunsoittaja said:


> UMMMM...
> 
> I have a problem with that


You may like this joke better.

There's a trumpet player, a flute player, and a percussionist all on the road driving to get to symphonic wind ensemble practice.

With no other cars on the road, they hit each other and their cars go flying off in different directions. The flutist manages to climb out of the car and survey the damage. She looks at her twisted car and says, "Man, I am really lucky to be alive!" Likewise the trumpet player scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. The percussionist just shakes his head and says to himself, "I can't believe I survived this wreck!"

The trumpet guy walks over to the percussionist and flute player and says, "Hey guys, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of arch rivals." The percussionist thinks for a moment and says, "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends."

The flutist says "Let me see what else survived this wreck." So she pops open her trunk and finds a full unopened bottle of Jack Daniels.

She says to the drummer and trumpet player, "I think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our new-found understanding and friendship." The percussionist says, "You're right!" and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly a third of the bottle he hands it to the trumpet guy and says, "Your turn!" The trumpet player sucks down a third and hands the bottle back to the flute player.

The flutist puts the cap back on the bottle and says, "I think I'll wait for the cops to show up."


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## Lunasong




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## Lunasong

A common theme runs through these comics.


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## peeyaj




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## peeyaj




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## KenOC

This must be a classical music joke because I found it on a page linked from a synopsis of Poulenc's Dialogues of the Carmelites. Really.

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it," the nun said.

"When did you use this awful language?" the Mother Superior asks.

Answered the nun: "Well, I was golfing and hit this fabulous drive that looked like it was going to go 280 yards, but it struck a phone line hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground only 100 yards from the tee."

"Is that when you cursed?"

"No, Mother Superior," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."

"Is that when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior.

"Well, no," says the nun. "As the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

"Is that when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.

"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear then?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.

"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."

The two nuns were silent for a moment.

Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the &!#&%#%! putt, didn't you?"


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## Lunasong

Some more religious humour:

*The Young Lutheran's Guide to the Orchestra*​
By Garrison Keillor

To each person, God gives some talent such as comedy, just to name one, or the ability to suffer. To some persons, God has given musical talent, though not to as many as think so.

So, for a young Lutheran considering an orchestral career, the first question to ask yourself is, "Do I have a genuine God-given talent, or do I only seem talented compared to other young Lutherans?"

Because most Lutherans aren't musicians, they're choir members. Mostly altos and basses. And they can be sure that their gift is God-given because who else but God would be interested?

Nobody goes into choir music for the wrong reasons. But orchestra... do you know what you're getting into?

You're getting into opera for one thing. Don Juan and Mephistopheles, pagan goddesses screeching and being strangled and thrown off balconies.

And even if you stick to concert music, where are the Christian composers? Modern ones are existentialists, the romantics were secular humanists, the 18th century was rationalist, and the 17th were Italian except for Bach. And you can't make a living playing Bach.

In the Bible, we read about people singing and playing musical instruments, including the harp, the last trump, the cymbal, and the psaltery. But in the Bible, music was in praise of the Lord, not for amusement. We don't read that our Lord Himself ever played an instrument or enjoyed hearing other people play theirs. The apostles did not attend concerts. They weren't in the arts--maybe there's a reason for that.

If you play in an orchestra, you're going to be devoting your life to music that sort of swirls around in spiritual mystery. Searching for answers that people could find in the Epistle to the Romans if somebody just showed them where it is.

Which instrument is best?

But if you're determined to play in an orchestra, then you ought to ask yourself, "Which instrument is the best one for a Lutheran to play?" Which instrument would our Lord have chosen, assuming He played an instrument? And assuming He was Lutheran.

Wind Section​
Bassoon

Should a Lutheran play the bassoon? Not if you want to be taken seriously, I don't think so. The name kind of says it all: bassoon. It's an instrument that isn't playing with a full deck of marbles. Maybe it's something you'd do for a hobby ("Hey, honey, let's go bassooning this weekend!"), but not as your life's work. Some bassoonists filling out applications for home loans just say "orthodontist."

Clarinet

Many Lutherans start out playing clarinets in marching band and think of it as a pretty good instrument and kind of sociable. You pick up a clarinet, and you feel like getting together with other people and forming an "M." But the symphonic clarinet is different: clever, sarcastic, kind of snooty. It's a nice small town instrument that went to college, and, after that you can't get a simple answer out of them. It is a French instrument, you know. Ever wonder why there are no French Lutherans? Probably the wine wasn't good enough for them.

Oboe

The oboe is the sensualist of the woodwind section, and if there is one wind instrument Lutherans should avoid, it's probably this one. In movie soundtracks, you tend to hear the oboe when the woman is taking her clothes off. Also a little later when she asks the man for a cigarette. You start playing the oboe, you're going to get in trouble. Take my word for it.

English horn

The English horn sounds Christian, maybe because we think of it as the Anglican horn, but it's so mournful, so plaintive. And so are English horn players. They all have deep complicated problems. They're all down in the dumps, especially at night, which is when most concerts are. Maybe because they want what oboists have. I don't know.

Flute

The flute is the show-off of the wind section, the big shot: Jean-Pierre Rampal, James Galway - - both millionaires. (How many millionaire bassoonists can you name real fast?) Well, that's fine. Everybody knows the flute is the hardest, blowing across a tiny hole with your head tilted all your life. It's like soloing on a pop bottle. The problem with the flute is that it vibrates your brain, and you start wearing big white caftans and smocks and eat roots and berries. You become a pantheist and sit in meadows, and you believe that all is one and God is everything - - even that God is a column of air vibrating - - and you know that's not right.

Piccolo

The last member of the woodwind family is the flakiest and that's the piccolo. It's never in tune. Never has been, never will be. All you can play with it is the blues. Which, being a Lutheran, we don't have, anyway.

String Section​
Bass

We come now to the string section. Strings are mentioned in Scripture, and some young Christians are tempted to become string players. But you want to be careful. Bass, for example. A very deliberate instrument, the plow horse of the orchestra. Bass players do tend to be more methodical, not so spontaneous or witty or brilliant necessarily, but reliable. Which makes the instrument appealing to German Lutherans. And yet bass notes do have a certain texture and a tone, a darkness, a depth that - - my gosh - - when you see those guys pick up their bows back there, doesn't it make you think the same thing that I do? And if we do, just imagine what they're thinking about.

Cello

The cello section seems pleasant, and cellists seem like such nice people. The way they put their arms around their instruments, they look like parents at a day care center zipping up snowsuits. They seem like us: comfortable, mid-range, able to see both sides of things. And yet, there's something about the cello that's hard to put your fingers on. It just doesn't seem right. Maybe, it's the way they hold the instrument the way they do. Why can't they hold it across their laps? Or beside themselves? I'm only asking.

Viola

The viola section is no place for a Lutheran, and here you have to take my word for it because I know violists and they're okay until late at night, when they like to build a fire in a vacant lot and drink red wine and roast a chicken on a clothes hanger and talk about going to Mexico with somebody named Rita. Violists have this dark, moody, gypsy streak, especially when they get older and they realize that their instrument for some reason cannot be heard beyond the stage. You think you hear the violas, but it's really the second violins.

First violin

The first violin is a problem for a Christian because it's a solo virtuoso instrument, and we Christians are humble and decent people. The first violins see the maestro look to them first, and most of them believe that he secretly takes his cue from watching their bows go up and down. The maestro, who has a great nimbus of hair and is here on a temporary work permit, is hypnotized by listening to the violins and forgets which page he's on and looks to the violins to find out what's going on - - this is what most violinists believe in their hearts. That if the maestro dropped dead, the orchestra would just follow the violins while his body was carried off into the wings, and nobody in the audience would notice any difference except that now they would have an unobstructed view of the violin section. Is this a place for a Lutheran to be? Did our Lord say "Blessed are they who stand up in front and take deep bows, for they shall receive bigger fees?" No, He did not.

Second violin

The second violin section is attractive to Lutherans because these people are steady, supportive, and helpful, but look who it is they help - - they help out the first violins. You want to play second fiddle to that crowd? (I hope not.) One thing you may not know about second violins is that the parts are so easy they never practice, and they wind up staying out late in singles bars on the freeway near the airport and dancing with software and fertilizer salespeople. But I guess that's their way.

Brass Section​
Tuba

Let's be clear about one thing about the brass section. The rest of the orchestra wishes the brass were playing in another room. So does the conductor. His back is toward you so that you can't see what he's saying to them but what he's saying is, "Would you mind taking that thing outside?" The brass section is made up of men who were at one time in the construction trades. They went into music because the hours are better, and there's less dust. They're heavy dudes, and that's why composers wrote so few notes for them. Because after they play, you can't hear for a while. The tuba player is normally a stocky, bearded guy whose hobby is plumbing. The only member of the orchestra who bowls over 250 and gets his deer every year and changes his own oil. In his locker downstairs, he keeps a pair of lederhosen for free-lance jobs. Anyway, there's only one tuba in the bunch, and he's it.

Trombone

The trombonist is a humorist, sort of the brother-in-law of the orchestra. He carries a water spray gun to keep his slide moist and often uses it against his neighbors. That's why they duck down back there. He's nobody you'd ever want to see become artistic director. And you just hope he doesn't sit right behind you.

French Horn

Probably not a French horn because the French horn takes too much of a person's life. French horn players hardly have time to marry and have children. The French horn is practically a religious belief all by itself. In some orchestras, the horn players are required to be celibate - - sometimes by their spouses. Because they think about the horn all the time, anyway.

Trumpet

The trumpet is the brass instrument you imagine as a Christian instrument, thinking of Gideon and Gabriel, and then you meet one in real life and you realize how driven these people are. They don't want to wear a black tie; they want to wear capes and swords and tassels. They want to play as loudly as they can and see mallards drop from the ceiling. Of the people who've keeled over dead at orchestra concerts, most of them were killed by a long trumpet passage. And most of them were glad to go.

Other Instruments​
Percussion

There are two places in the orchestra for a Lutheran and one is the percussion section. It's the most Christian instrument there is. Percussionists are endlessly patient because they hardly ever get to play. Pages and pages of music go by when the violins are sawing away and the winds are tooting and the brass are blasting, and the percussionist sits there and counts the bars like a hunter in the blind waiting for a grouse to appear. A percussionist may have to wait for twenty minutes just to play a few beats, but those beats have to be exact, and they have to be passionate, climactic - - all that the Epistles of Paul say a Christian should be - - faithful, waiting, trusting, filled with fervor - - those are the qualities of the good percussionist.

Harp

The other Lutheran instrument, of course, is the harp. It's a good instrument for any Christian because it keeps you humble and keeps you at home. You can't run around with a harp because it's hard to get them in and out of cars. It takes fourteen hours to tune a harp, and it remains in tune for about twenty minutes or until somebody opens the door. It's an instrument for a saint. If a harpist could find a good percussionist, they wouldn't need anybody else. They could settle down and make perfectly good music, just the two of them.


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## Lunasong




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## drpraetorus

I have in my kitchen a very odd implement. In appearance it is a standard food strainer. You know the kind. A hemisphere of metal with holes to separate solids from liquids. 

What is unusual about this particular strainer or colander is that I believe it to be haunted. 

It all started out when I would put the strainer away in its appointed place in the kitchen and the next day, it was nowhere to be found. At least where I had put it. I did find it in a cupboard on the other side of the room. 

This went on for a while and I got rather amused at the game of hide and seek we were playing. But it escalated to the next level with a more dramatic display. 

I was awoken in the dead of night by mysterious music coming from the kitchen. It was haunting, ghostly, stormy music. Vast, open fourths and fifths in the brass with strings and woodwinds howling like a hurricane. I followed the music to the kitchen and watched as the strainer whizzed and zipped through the air. Several times I had to duck as it flew past my head and banged against the wall. 

It took a bit of doing but I have come to accept the spectral and fantastical movements of this haunted strainer. I have even actually become fond of its antics and have become rather attached to the strainer. I have even given it a name. 

I call it my Fliegende Colander.


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## KenOC

Kill me. Please.


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## Lunasong

Top to bottom...

What's the difference between a piccolo and a dog whistle?
1.	The *what* between _a piccolo_ and and _a dog whistle_.
2.	Dog whistles are played by *men* to attract *dogs*.
3.	If you have good ears, you can hear a dog whistle.
4.	A dog whistle irritates only one species.
5.	Tuning.
6.	In marching band, the dog whistle is dangerous, while the piccolo is merely useless.
7.	The price.
8.	The value.
9.	People with dog whistles usually know how to play them.
10.	You can't tune a piccolo.

Q) How do certain conductors choose a principal flute player? 
A) Well, it helps if she has big breaths.










Q) Did you hear about the successful hunter's secret to attracting so many ducks?
A) He paid an oboe player to go along with him and play.










A clarinet player got in a car crash. It was her reed's fault.










Q) How do you make fun of a bassoon?
A) You play it.










BONUS JOKE
Q) What's better, an oboe or a bassoon?
A) A bassoon makes more toothpicks.


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## Lunasong

*You're in trouble if …*

1. You're a baritone in an Italian opera and you expect to get the girl.

2. You're a dramatic tenor and you listen to advice from the baritone.

3. A contralto gives you advice and you don't follow it.

4. You sing to anyone about their mother.

5. You sing to anyone about your jewelry.

6. You're a bass and you shake your head violently on stage, releasing a cloud of talcum powder into the air.

7. You're a soprano in a romantic opera and expect to live.

8. You're a mezzo and you expect to get the same fee as the soprano, unless you're both paying the impresario for the chance to sing.

9. You're a tenor in love with a mezzo (in all but a handful of operas) and you expect a happy ending. You will end up in jail, dead or alone, nine times out of ten.

10. You're a baritone married to a soprano, and you expect her to be faithful to you.

11. You're a lyric, pants role mezzo in French opera and you expect to get laid.


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## Lunasong

From Reddit:










She clearly isn't too _sharp_.

I think your joke fell _flat_.

It's only a _minor_ joke, ignore it.

No, _diminish_ it.

Now why should he go through all that _treble_?

It's a _bass_ic idea.

Indeed, we must get to the _root_ of the issue.

Lets not mistakenly conclude with the _falsetto_ answer, though.

We should tread carefully, lest anything be _baroque_n.

Well because it would be a _viola_tion of the rules.

It should come _natural_ly.

We need to _scale_ it up.

Obviously this issue is too _dynamic_ to be settled.

We need to give these puns a _rest_.

Nah. Just wait a _beat_ and they'll be funny.

Way to _augment_ the pun thread.

It obviously is a _ritard_, laugh slowly.

Jokes are not his _forte_.

Meh, it provided some _minor_ amusement at least.


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## arpeggio

What did ET say when he attended the Schubert festival?

Take me to your lieder.


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## peeyaj

arpeggio said:


> What did ET say when he attended the Schubert festival?
> 
> Take me to your lieder.


Good one.


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## superhorn

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mineshaft ? A flat miner .

Why is the French horn a divine instrument ? That's because man blows it, and God alone knows
what will come out .

Why are intermissions at concerts limited to 20 minutes ? So you don't have to retrain the percussionists .

What's the difference between an operatic diva and a terrorist ? You can negotiate with a terrorist .

What's the difference between an operatic diva and a pit bull ? Jewelry .

How can you tell if a Wagnerian soprano has died ? The horses seem very relieved .

What's the difference between a defensive lineman and a Wagnerian soprano ?
Stage makeup .


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## ahammel

Bob was trying to finish his final assignment, a symphony, for his composition degree. He'd been sending sketches to his supervisor for months, and they always come back with the same comments "You need to be more original", "This has been done before", "This is derivative, show me something new".

Frustrated, Bob went down to the library, found a copy of his supervisor's own thesis composition, copied it out—note for note—upside down and backwards, and turned it in. "There, that ought to be something new", he thought, grinning to himself.

The next day he found an email in his inbox: "Bob, why did you hand in a copy of Beethoven's 5th symphony?"


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## ahammel

Whoops, double post.


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## Lunasong

peeyaj said:


> Good one.


Should be, it's your joke.
http://www.talkclassical.com/15068-most-incredibly-lame-classical-8.html#post346212


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## Lunasong

There was once a terribly egotistical conductor, who had no qualms about telling everyone how good he was. "I'm the world's best conductor," was his way of introducing himself. One day he heard of another conductor who was reputed to be even better, and in a fit of rage, he murdered the other fellow. In his rage, he was careless, and the police immediately caught him. He was tried, found guilty, and sentenced to die for his crime. On the day of his execution, they asked him if he had any last words of remorse. "Ha," he said, "I'm the world's best conductor!" So they strapped him into the electric chair and applied the power. But to their surprise, he just sat there, humming to himself. Baffled, they adjusted the power and tried, again and again, to electrocute him. Finally in disgust, the man explained, "You fools, you can't electrocute me -- I told you, I'm the world's best conductor!"

A couple of conductor anecdotes:

The great Knappertsbusch once went to conduct a distinctly inferior orchestra at Bochum in the Ruhr. After the concert, an enthusiastic chairman of the orchestral board engaged him in conversation. "Tell me, Maestro, when was the last time you conducted the Bochum Symphony Orchestra?" "Tonight," he replied.

During rehearsal one day Sir Thomas Beecham stopped the orchestra. "No, no. The second trumpet is playing much too loudly," he said. The first trumpet responded, "But Sir Thomas, the second trumpet hasn't arrived yet." Unfazed, Sir Thomas replied, "Well, when he gets here, tell him he's playing too loudly."


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## superhorn

A graduate composition student showed the first movement of a symphony he was composing to his composition teacher, a well known composer . After examining the movement, the teacher said, well, it's not bad , but you need to work on sonata form. The opeining section and last part aren't bad, but the middle section is just plain awful ! What a revolting development !


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## Lunasong




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## Lunasong




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## Lunasong




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## Lunasong




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## superhorn

After that one, I need a gin and tonic !


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## Lunasong

Trombone edition.


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## Lunasong




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## Lunasong

There were two old men sitting on a park bench talking to each other when one of them asked, "Can I sing you a song?" The other man replied, "Sure, but only if can you sing tenor!" The first man asked, "What is tenor?" The other man replied, "Ten or eleven miles away!"


Q: Why should you have a tenor repair your furnace?
A: Tenors know everything about hot air!


Q:What's a countertenor's favourite computer operating system? 
A: UNIX.


Miranda is taking voice lessons, and whenever she begins to practice, her husband heads outside. 
Hurt and a little dejected, she asked him, "Don't you like my singing?" 
"Of course, Dear," he replied. "I just want to make sure the neighbors know I'm not beating you."


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## Blue

Love these!
Here's my contribution:



















;P You did ask for lame!


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## Lunasong

Q) What's the difference between a sports writer and a conductor? 
A) The sports writer knows the score. 


A guy walks into a pet store wanting a parrot. The store clerk shows him two beautiful ones out on the floor.
“This one’s $5,000 and the other is $10,000.” the clerk said.
“Wow! What does the $5,000 one do?” 
“This parrot can sing every aria Mozart ever wrote.” 
“And the other?” said the customer.
“This one can sing Wagner’s entire Ring cycle. There’s another one in the back room for $30,000.”
“Holy moly! What does that one do?”
“Nothing that I can tell, but the other two parrots call him ‘Maestro’.”


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## peeyaj

Reference


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## Lunasong




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## Lunasong

*Definitions of some musical styles*

JAZZ -- Five men on the same stage all playing different tunes.
BLUES -- Played exclusively by people who woke up this morning.
WORLD MUSIC -- A dozen different types of percussion all going at once.
OPERA -- People singing when they should be talking.
RAP -- People talking when they should be singing.
CLASSICAL -- Discover the other 45 minutes they left out of the TV ad.
FOLK -- Endless songs about shipwrecks in the 19th century.
BIG BAND -- 20 men who take it in turns to stand up plus a drummer.
HEAVY METAL -- Codpiece and chaps
HOUSE MUSIC -- OK as long as it's not the house next door.


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## Lunasong




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## Lunasong




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## Lunasong

Q) Did you hear about the man who robbed a music shop?
A) He got caught with the lute.


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## Lunasong

I got these excellent jokes off a kids' joke page.

Q: Where did the music teacher leave his keys?
A: In the piano!

Q: What's the most musical bone?
A: The trom-bone!

Q: What is the loudest pet?
A: The Trum-pet!

Q: What do you get if you cross a serpent and a trumpet?
A: A snake in the brass!

Q: How do you make a band stand?
A: Take their chairs away!

Q: What type of music are balloons scared of?
A: Pop music!

Q: What's the most musical part of a turkey?
A: The drumstick!

Q: What's the most musical part of a fish?
A: The scales!

Q: What do you call a cow that plays a musical instrument?
A: A Moo-sician!

Q: What type of songs do the planets sing?
A: Nep-tunes!

Q: What do you get if you cross a grizzly bear and a harp?
A: A bear-faced lyre!

Q: What do you get if you cross a sweet potato and a jazz musician?
A: A yam session!

Q: Why couldn't the athlete listen to her music?
A: Because she broke the record!

Q: What has forty feet and sings?
A: The school choir!


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## DrKilroy

These are truly excellent! 

Best regards, Dr


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## Lunasong




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## Lunasong




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## Lunasong

Definitions:
* upbeat: a threat made to singers, i.e. sing, or else....
* crescendo: a reminder to the singer that he has been singing too loudly.
* conductor: a musician who is adept at following many people at the same time.
* transposition: the act of moving the relative pitch of a piece of music that is too low for the basses to a point where it is too high for the sopranos.
* vibrato: used by singers to hide the fact that they are out of tune.
* coloratura soprano: a singer who has great trouble finding the proper note, but who has a wild time hunting for it.
* bar line: a gathering of people, usually among which may be found a musician or two.
* cadence: when everybody hopes you're going to stop, but you don't.
* lamentoso: with handkerchiefs.
* music: a complex organisations of sounds that is set down by the composer, incorrectly interpreted by the conductor, who is ignored by the musicians, the result of which is ignored by the audience.
* treble: women ain't nothin' but.
* bass: the things you run around in rounders.
* clef: what you try never to fall off of.
* major scale: what you say after chasing wild game up a mountain: "Damn! That was a major scale!"
* audition: the act of putting oneself under extreme duress to satisfy the sadistic intentions of someone who has already made up his mind.
* Agnus Dei: a famous female church composer.
* metronome: a city-dwelling dwarf.
* interval: how long it takes to find the right note. There are three kinds:
1. Major interval: a long time.
2. Minor interval: a few bars.
3. Inverted interval: when you have to go back a bar and try again.


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## Lunasong




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## Lunasong

*Ten Commandments for Concert-goers*
I​Thou shalt hearken unto the music with all thy heart, with all thy soul, and all thy mind, to aid thee in thine endeavor. Study thou thy programme notes and thereby be sore fully prepared to garner the blessings of the inspired melodies which are about to be sounded.
II​Thou shalt not arrive late, for the stir of thy coming disturbeth those who did come in due season; neither shalt thou rush forth as a great wind at intermission time or before the end of the programme; nor shalt thou trample to thy left nor thy right the ushers or the doormen or the multitudes that are about thee.
III​Thou shalt keep in check thy coughings and thy sneezings for they are an abomination, and they shall bring forth evil execrations upon thee and upon thy household, even unto the third and fourth generations.
IV​Thou shalt not rustle thy programme, for the noise thereof is not as the murmur of the leaves of the forest but brash and raucous and soothest not.
V​Thou shalt not yahoo unto thy relatives, nor unto thy friends, nor unto any member of thy club or of thy household, nor unto any of thy neighbours.
VI​Thou shalt not whisper, for thy mouthings, howsoever hushed they may be, bring discord to the ear of those who sit about thee.
VII​Thou shalt not chew with great show of sound or motion. Remember that thou art not as the kine of the meadow who do chew the cud in the pastoral serenity which is vouchsafed them.
VIII​Thou shalt not direct thy index finger at persons of public note and say unto thy neighbour, "Yonder goeth so and so," but reflect that some day thou shalt perchance be a celebrity, and thou shalt be in great discomfort when thou art pointed at and thou shalt not be pleased one jot or tittle thereby.
IX​Thou shalt not slumber, for in thy stupor thou hast ears and heareth not; peradventure thou possesseth a rumbling obbligato when thou sleepeth and, verily, the rabble may be aroused thereby to do thee grievous harm.
X​Thou shalt not become a self-ordained music critic and with booming voice comment garrulously about the players or the playing; neither shalt thou hum, or tap thy foot; for thou hast come as a listener and a lover of music, not as a critic nor as a performer, and remember that none among the multitudes has paid to hear thy hummings or thy tappings or to listen unto thine opinions.


----------



## Ravndal

I don't know if this has been posted:

C, E-flat, and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. 
After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished, and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. D comes in and heads for the bathroom, saying, "Excuse me; I'll just be a second." Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight." 
E-flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "You're looking sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be a major development." Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural. 
Eventually C sobers up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of D.S. without Coda at an upscale correctional facility


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## Lunasong




----------



## superhorn

This isn't really a classical music joke but it's too funny not to put up . 

Two explorers were walking through the jungle in an area known to be inhabited by cannibals .
As they walked along , the incesant sound of beating Tom-Tom drums was growing louder and 
louder from the distance . One explorer, sweating , said to the other "I sure don't like the sound of those drums ".
Suddenly , the head of a cannibal poked through the bush and says "Hey, he's not our regular drummer ! "






:lol: :lol: :lol:


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## PetrB

A music lover took his date to a performance of Beethoven's Ninth symphony. It was his date's first concert experience.

In the last movement, there's a period of about 20 minutes where the bass players have nothing to do. Rather than sit around the whole time looking stupid, a handful of the bassists slipped offstage and went to a tavern, just across the alley from the artist's entrance to the hall.

After slamming several boilermakers down in quick succession, one of them looked at his watch and exclaimed, "Hey! We need to get back!"

"No need to panic," said another player, "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It'll take him a while to get it untangled." A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places. 

To the date of the concertgoer, new though she was, she sensed something wrong, a tension on stage. She turned to her date and said, "It seems like something is wrong up there, the conductor is looking a bit edgy, or tense."

Her date said, "Well, of course! Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded."


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## Lunasong




----------



## Celloman

I'm going to try my hand at this. Imagine you're at a comedy night show...

Question: Why did the chicken cross the road?

*Bach*: There was more than one road.

*Beethoven*: To get to the other side. Oh, and by the way...

*Wagner*: To get to the other side, eventually.

*Schoenberg*: To get to the other side. .edis rehto het ot teg oT (backwards and upside-down) To get to the other side, etc.

*Glass*: To get to the other side. To get to the other side. To get to the other side. (etc., etc.)

*Cage*: It doesn't matter why the chicken crossed the road. Any road would have done just as well. In fact, it's better not to know where you're going...


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## Lunasong

A violist and a cellist were standing on a sinking ship together.
"Help!" cried the cellist, "I can't swim!"
"Don't worry," said the violist, "just fake it."


Q: What did one violist say to the other violist?
A: “Hi, we’re both violists.”

Q: What do you do if you're short a violist? 
A: Have someone drag his fingernails across a chalkboard.


----------



## MagneticGhost

Lunasong said:


> A violist and a cellist were standing on a sinking ship together.
> "Help!" cried the cellist, "I can't swim!"
> "Don't worry," said the violist, "just fake it."
> 
> Q: What did one violist say to the other violist?
> A: "Hi, we're both violists."
> 
> Q: What do you do if you're short a violist?
> A: Have someone drag his fingernails across a chalkboard.


We used to tell Viola jokes all the time when I was a teenager.
 Thanks for bringing back memories.

The only ones I can remember.

Q. What do you call a non-musician who hangs around a String Quartet 
A. The Viola Player.

And did you hear about the Viola Player who asked for that famous Beethoven piece that begins with a trill - Fur Elise


----------



## Lunasong

MagneticGhost - this thread has over 100 different viola jokes posted (I counted them once for someone else). Enjoy!

The only certainties in life are death, taxes, and clapping between movements.


----------



## musicphotogAnimal

Bill H. said:


> Thus it was that Herr Weghe and his plans to conquer the world were thwarted, not least by Mark's Aunt-Won Shar-Pei Ti-Yay...


~Bangs head slowly against wall!~ groan.


----------



## MagneticGhost

Lunasong said:


> MagneticGhost - this thread has over 100 different viola jokes posted (I counted them once for someone else). Enjoy!


Ahh! I've obviously got some catching up to do 
Thanks!


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## musicphotogAnimal

What can I say? I'm a visual artist (photographer) first (I like pictures), musician second...and I like puns...

Sorry, I'll go sit in a corner now.


----------



## violadude

Celloman said:


> I'm going to try my hand at this. Imagine you're at a comedy night show...
> 
> Question: Why did the chicken cross the road?
> 
> *Bach*: There was more than one road.
> 
> *Beethoven*: To get to the other side. Oh, and by the way...
> 
> *Wagner*: To get to the other side, eventually.
> 
> *Schoenberg*: To get to the other side. .edis rehto het ot teg oT (backwards and upside-down) To get to the other side, etc.
> 
> *Glass*: To get to the other side. To get to the other side. To get to the other side. (etc., etc.)
> 
> *Cage*: It doesn't matter why the chicken crossed the road. Any road would have done just as well. In fact, it's better not to know where you're going...


I don't understand the Beethoven one.


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## musicphotogAnimal

A violist and a trumpet player were having a conversation. The trumpet player bragged. "I'm a trumpet player." The violist had to look in his own case to make certain.

What's the difference between a fashion photographer and a trumpet player? The fashion photographer says "Hi, I'm better than you..." hey wait a minute...so does the trumpet player.

A Bassoon player and a wildlife photographer were going to a wedding gig...what does the trumpet player do? Shake 'em awake...they were dreaming.

What's the difference between a school portrait photographer and a percussionist? Nothing they both drag their knuckles and drool on the carpet.


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## musicphotogAnimal

Lunasong said:


> *Math Test for Orchestra Members*
> 
> (From conductor Gary Berkson, Stockholm)
> 
> Georgine is tired of paying for clarinet reeds. If she adopts a policy of playing only on rejected reeds from her colleagues will she be able to retire on the money she has saved if she invests it in mutual bonds, yielding 8.7%, before she is fired from her job? If not, calculate the probability of her ever working in a professional symphony orchestra again. *42
> *
> Jethro has been playing the double bass in a symphony orchestra for twelve years, three months and seven days. Each day, his inclination to practice decreases by the equation:
> (Total days in the orchestra) x .000976
> Assuming he stopped practicing altogether four years, six months and three days ago, how long will it be before he is completely unable to play the double bass? *42*
> 
> Wilma plays in the second violin section, but specializes in making disparaging remarks about conductors and other musicians. The probability of her making a negative comment about any given musician is 4 chances in 7, and for conductors is 16 chances in 17. If there are 103 musicians in the orchestra and the orchestra sees 26 different conductors a year, how many negative comments does Wilma make in a two-year period? How does this change if five of the musicians are also conductors? What if six of the conductors are also musicians? *42*
> 
> Horace is the General Manager of an important symphony orchestra. He tries to hear at least four concerts a year. Assuming that at each concert the orchestra plays a minimum of three pieces per concert, what are the chances that Horace can avoid hearing a single work by Mozart, Beethoven or Brahms in the next ten years? *42*
> 
> Betty plays in the viola section. Despite her best efforts she is unable to play with the rest of the orchestra and, on average, plays .3528 seconds behind the rest of the viola section, which is already .16485 seconds behind the rest of the orchestra. If the orchestra is moving into a new concert hall with a reverberation time of 2.7 seconds, will she be able to continue playing this way undetected? *42*
> 
> Ralph loves to drink coffee. Each week he drinks three more cups of coffee than Harold, who drinks exactly one third the amount that the entire brass section consumes in beer. How much longer is Ralph going to live? *42*
> 
> Rosemary is unable to play in keys with more than three sharps or flats without making an inordinate number of mistakes. Because her colleagues in the cello section are also struggling in these passages she has so far been able to escape detection. What is the total number of hours they would all have to practice to play the complete works of Richard Strauss? *42*


42 is the answer to everything. Wolfram Alpha told us so...



hawk said:


> This list is too funny. I especially got a chuckle from the names of conductor and orchestra! Thanks


What's even funnier is if you print the list out on Word and hand it to a neophyte and tell him to go to a record store and find those recordings.


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## Lunasong

This anecdote is a Reddit response to the request to tell a good TSA confiscation story.

I don't work for the TSA but a while ago, I had a really weird (or just stupid depending on who you asked) sense of humor. Long story short: I glued a computer keyboard onto my trombone case. I just glued a qwerty on my case. A Harmless Conversation Starter, if you will. I'd had it for a couple months when i decide to go visit family. I'll bring my trombone! Great idea! But when I get to security... Here's how it all went down
I start seeing TSA and I slowly realize why this is bad. The keyboard is to my leg as I hold it so noone can really see it. I manage to get to the X-ray without a problem and its looking good. It's on the belt. Fits though the hole and I'm hoping the X-ray lady sees that the keyboard serves no function and there are no bomb wires running through my case. Fingers crossed. But when she looks at me and uses her radio I know what she saw. I forgot about the mechanical lyre. The 3 or 4 bottles of slide oil and cream. And the 3 feet of metal coiled cleaning wire. So this thing looks like bomb central.
That's when a TSA miraculously appeared. Like they only pulled him out for special occasions because he wasn't anywhere in the terminal when I got there. And I can see why. This gentleman is 6'6 and probably 230lb of mostly muscle. He grabs me and brings me into that "additional screening" room. (I feel like this is a good time to mention I'm a nerdy overweight 16 year old band geek) So he starts interviewing me which is basically just going back and fourth between "why do you have that?" "I don't know" "Is it yours?" "Yeah but I just thought it'd be funny" "Why do you have that?" All the while Im watching TSA agents tear apart my case and what looks like mess up my trombone, but they literally can't get past the keyboard. They took my everything out of the case so all that's left is a keyboard and black cloth and they just kept swiping it with that bomb detection cloth. For like 5 minutes I watched a fat TSA lady with the most concentrated face and two pairs of gloves wipe every book and cranny on my case
Needless to say, I'm absolutely freaking out and that's when the big dude leaves and an old gray haired guy comes in and explains that I'm not gonna be able to take my "object". And I'm lucky he's gonna let me fly at all. 
tl;dr Electonics and Musical Instruments are on the no fly list. But only together.


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## Lunasong

(reference: Spirited Away)


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## Lunasong




----------



## Lunasong

How to Practice

*Find a nice, quiet place
*Get out your instrument
*Get everything (mute, rosin, valve oil, whatever)
*Set up a stand
*Get out all your scales, etudes, everything
*Set up a metronome
*Hold your instrument in your lap
*Post about how you don’t want to practice

Q) Christopher Hogwood, Daniel Barenboim, and Neville Mariner are all on the same plane when it ditches in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. Who is saved?
A) Mozart

Q) How do you get a trumpet player to play 'fff'? 
A) Write 'mp' on the part.

Q) What do you call a saxophone sectional?
A) Group Sax.

Q) What's the difference between a pop musician and a jazz musician?
A) A pop musician plays 3 chords in front of 1000 people, and a jazz musician plays 1000 chords in front of 3 people.


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## Lunasong

A harp is a nude piano.


----------



## Lunasong

*HOW JAZZ WORKS*

*List of Characters*

*Piano*
Pianists are intellectuals and know-it-alls. They studied theory, harmony and composition in college. Most are riddled with self-doubt. They are usually bald.

They should have big hands, but often don't. They were social rejects as adolescents. They go home after the gig and play with toy soldiers.

Pianists have a special love-hate relationship with singers. If you talk to the piano player during a break, he will condescend.

*Bass*
Bassists are not terribly smart. The best bassists come to terms with their limitations by playing simple lines and rarely soloing.

During the better musical moments, a bassist will pull his strings hard and grunt like an animal. Bass players are built big, with paws for hands, and they are always bent over awkwardly. If you talk to the bassist during a break, you will not be able to tell whether or not he's listening.

*Drums*
Drummers are radical. Specific personalities vary, but are always extreme.

A Drummer might be the funniest person in the world, or the most psychotic, or the smelliest.

Drummers are uneasy because of the many jokes about them, most of which stem from the fact that they aren't really musicians.

Pianists are particularly successful at making Drummers feel bad. Most Drummers are highly excitable; when excited, they play louder. If you decide to talk to the Drummer during a break, always be careful not to sneak up on him.

*Saxophone*
Saxophonists think they are the most important players on stage.

Consequently, they are temperamental and territorial.

They know all the Coltrane and Bird licks but have their own sound; a mixture of Coltrane and Bird.

They take exceptionally long solos, which reach a peak half-way through and then just don't stop. They practice quietly but audibly while other people are trying to play.

They are obsessed. Saxophonists sleep with their instruments, forget to shower, and are mangy.

If you talk to a Saxophonist during a break, you will hear a lot of excuses about his reeds.

*Trumpet*
Trumpet Players are image-conscious and walk with a swagger. They are often former college linebackers.

Trumpet Players are very attractive to women, despite the strange indentation on their lips.

Many of them sing; misguided critics then compare them to either Louis Armstrong or Chet Baker depending whether they're black or white.

Arrive at the session early, and you may get to witness the special trumpet game.

The rules are play as loud and as high as possible. The winner is the one who plays loudest and highest.

If you talk to a Trumpet Player during a break, he might confess that his favorite player is Maynard Ferguson, the merciless God of loud-high trumpeting.

*Guitar*
Jazz Guitarists are never very happy.

Deep inside they want to be rock stars, but they're old and overweight.

In protest, they wear their hair long, prowl for groupies, drink a lot, and play too loud.

Guitarists hate piano players because they can hit ten notes at once, but Guitarists make up for it by playing as fast as they can.

The more a Guitarist drinks, the higher he turns his amp. Then the Drummer starts to play harder, and the Trumpeter dips into his loud/high arsenal.

Suddenly, the Saxophonist's universe crumbles, because he is no longer the most important player on stage.

He packs up his horn, nicks his best reed in haste, and storms out of the room.

The Pianist struggles to suppress a laugh.

If you talk to a Guitarist during the break he'll ask intimate questions about your 14-year-old sister.

*Vocals*
Vocalists are whimsical creations of the all-powerful jazz gods. They are placed in sessions to test musicians' capacity for suffering.

They are not of the jazz world, but enter it surreptitiously.

Example: A young woman is playing minor roles in college musical theater.

One day, a misguided campus newspaper critic describes her singing as "...jazzy." Voila! A star is born!

Quickly she learns "My Funny Valentine," "Summertime," and "Route 66."

Her training complete, she embarks on a campaign of musical terrorism.

Musicians flee from the bandstand as she approaches. Those who must remain feel the full fury of the jazz universe.

The Vocalist will try to seduce you--and the rest of the audience--by making eye contact, acknowledging your presence, even talking to you between tunes. DO NOT FALL INTO THIS TRAP!

Look away; make your distaste obvious. Otherwise the musicians will avoid you during their breaks. Incidentally, if you talk to a Vocalist during a break, she will introduce you to her manager.

*Trombone*
The trombone is known for its pleading, voice-like quality. "Listen," it seems to say in the male tenor range, "Why won't anybody hire me for a gig?"

Trombonists like to play fast, because their notes become indistinguishable and thus immune to criticism.

Most Trombonists played trumpet in their early years; then decided they didn't want to walk around with a strange indentation on their lips. Now they hate Trumpet Players, who somehow get all the women despite this disfigurement.

Trombonists are usually tall and lean, with forlorn faces. They don't eat much. They have to be very friendly, because nobody really needs a Trombonist.

Talk to a Trombonist during a break and he'll ask you for a gig, try to sell you insurance, or offer to mow your lawn.

*Picking the Tune*
Every time a tune ends, someone has to pick a new one.

That's a fundamental concept that, unfortunately, runs at odds with jazz group processes.

Tune selection makes a huge difference to the musicians. They love to show off on tunes that feel comfortable, and they tremble at the threat of the unknown.

But to pick a tune is to invite close scrutiny "So this is how you sound at your best. Hmm..."

It's a complex issue with unpredictable outcomes.

Sometimes no one wants to pick a tune, and sometimes everyone wants to pick a tune.

The resulting disagreements lead to faction-building and [under extreme conditions], even impromptu elections.

The politics of tune selection makes for some of the session's best entertainment.

*Example 1* No one wants to pick a tune.
(previous tune ends)
(silence)
Trumpet Player "What the f#@*? Is someone gonna to pick a tune?"
(silence)
Trumpet Player "This s%!* is lame. I'm outta here." (Storms out of room, forgetting to pay tab).
rest of band (in unison) "Yes!!!" (Band takes extended break, puts drinks on Trumpet Player's tab).

*Example 2* Everyone wants to pick a tune, resulting in impromptu election and eventual tune selection.
(previous tune ends)
(Pianist and Guitarist simultaneously)
"Beautiful Love!"/"Donna Lee!"
Guitarist to Pianist "You just want to play your fat, stupid ten-note chords!"
Pianist to Guitarist "You just want to play a lot of notes really fast!"
Saxophonist "'Giant Steps'." (a treacherous Coltrane tune practiced obsessively by Saxophonists.)
Guitarist and Pianist (together) "Go ahead, A$$shole."
Trumpet Player "This s%!* is lame. 'Night in Tunisia'." (a Dizzy Gillespie tune offering bounteous opportunities for loud, high playing.)
Saxophonist "Sorry, forgot my earplugs, Maynard." (long, awkward silence)
Pianist, Guitarist, Saxophonist, Trumpet Player all turn to Drummer "Your turn, Skinhead."
(Drummer pauses to think of hardest possible tune; a time-tested Drummer ploy to punish real musicians who play actual notes.)
Drummer "Stablemates."
Trumpet Player F#@* this! I'm outta here." (Storms out of room. Bartender chases after him.)
("Stablemates")
Trombonist "Did someone forget to turn off the CD player?"

Not only are these disagreements fun to watch; they create tensions that will last all through the night.

(As an educated audience member, you might want to keep a flow chart diagramming the shifting alliances. You can also keep statistics on individual tune-calling.

Under no circumstances, though, should you take sides or yell out song titles. Things are complicated enough already.)


----------



## KenOC

Yogi Berra on jazz: "90% of all Jazz is half improvisation. The other half is the part people play while others are playing something they never played with anyone who played that part. So if you play the wrong part, its right. If you play the right part, it might be right if you play it wrong enough. But if you play it too right, it's wrong."


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## Lunasong

Q) What do you call a guy who dies and goes to heaven but has to enter through the kitchen? 
A) A musician.

Two men were at a bar and one said, "Hey, I had my IQ checked and it was 175." The other responded, "That's a coincidence, so is mine; what do you do for a living?" "I'm a physicist," was the reply. 
Again came, "That's a coincidence so am I." This was overheard at a nearby table and these two compared IQ's at 160 and were surprised that they were both brain surgeons. 
At another nearby table one man despondently said to the other, "Did you hear that? I had my IQ checked and it was only 52." The other said, rather enthusiastically, "That's a coincidence. So is mine. What instrument do you play?"

A trombone player in the orchestra is collecting money to help bury a fellow section player who had recently passed away. He comes upon a man on the street and asks him if he could spare $25 to help bury the trombone player. 
"Here's $75," he replies, "see if you can find two more."


----------



## musicphotogAnimal

Q: Why should you have a tenor repair your furnace?
A: Tenors know everything about hot air!



A guy walks into a pet store wanting a parrot. The store clerk shows him two beautiful ones out on the floor. “This one’s $5,000 and the other is $10,000.” the clerk said. “Wow! What does the $5,000 one do?” “This parrot can sing every aria Mozart ever wrote.” “And the other?” said the customer. “This one can sing Wagner’s entire Ring cycle. There’s another one in the back room for $30,000.” “Holy moly! What does that one do?” “Nothing that I can tell, but the other two parrots call him ‘Maestro’.” 



A bass died and went to Heaven (where all basses go when they pass on). St. Peter greeted him at the gate and asked, “Sir, how many false notes did you sing in your life?”

The bass answered, “Three.”

“Three times!” said St. Peter.

Out came another angel and stuck the bass three times with a needle.

“Ow! What was that for?” asked the bass, while rubbing his arm.

St. Peter explained, “Here in heaven, we stick singers once for each false note they sang down on Earth.”

“Oh,” said the bass, and he was just about to step through the gates when suddenly he heard a horrible scream come from behind a closed door. “Oh my goodness, what was that?” asked the bass, horrified.

“Oh,” said St. Peter, “that’s a tenor who arrived a while ago. He’s just about to start his third week in the sewing machine.”



Q: Dad, why do the tenors sway left and right while performing on stage?
A: Because, son, it is more difficult to hit a moving target.



What’s the first thing a soprano does in the morning?
Puts on her clothes and goes home. 


What's the definition of a bad soprano?
One who's so bad that the tenors notice.

What's the difference between a soprano and a piranha?
The lipstick.

How do you tell if a bass is actually dead?
Hold out a cheque (but don't be fooled: a slight, residual spasmodic clutching action may occur even hours after death has occurred).

What is the difference between a world war and an amateur choral performance?
The performance causes more suffering.

Why do amateur choruses travel so often?
Keeps assassins guessing.

What is the difference between an amateur choral director and a chimpanzee?
It's scientifically proven that chimpanzees are able to communicate with humans.


----------



## Lunasong




----------



## Lunasong

Watch this space for an upcoming post -

25 not-previously posted *VIOLA* jokes!

Why not post them now?
Because I'm posting in *VIOLA* time!


----------



## AlanStephenDuffy

I will have to use my new violin for the performance this evening- "Why is that?"
Because I gave Yehudi Menuhin


----------



## Lunasong

VIOLA JOKE BLOW-OUT

Radio presenter, Tim Pollard, on BBC Radio Jersey, when introducing a piece of music by the well-known British composer Eric Coates, said:
"All Eric Coates ever wanted to do was to write music to entertain. But for a while he was a professional viola player."

Q: What is a chord?
A: Three violists playing in unison.

After a long orchestral career, a Violist decided in his final few weeks of concerts to be adventurous and use fingerings in the third position. He practiced his excerpts carefully at home, and on the night of the concert, at the crucial point, shifted into third. His finger broke. After going to the hospital to get the bone set, the man collected disability forms from the symphony office, filled them out and sent them in. A few days later he heard from the insurance people that none of his claims could be met. "We're sorry," explained the adjuster, "but Violists are not insurable above first position."

Q: Why is it that Violists never practice? 
A: The spirit is willing, but the Flesch is too hard.

Q: What is the difference between a Viola and a chainsaw? 
A: A chainsaw blends with chamber ensembles.

Q: Why does a Viola make such an excellent murder weapon? 
A: Because it is the classic blunt instrument, and never has any fingerprints on it.

A Violist in the symphony was involved in a car accident and became paralyzed from the neck down. Management moved him back a stand.

Q: What's the difference between an oboist and a violist?
A: The oboe player sustains brain damage after taking up the instrument.

The violist in the back of the orchestra section turned to his stand partner when the page was filled with sixteenth notes and said, "You'd better take this. I have a wife and kids."

Q: Why did Einstein play a violin instead of a viola?
A: Because he was intelligent.

A musician was driving across a bridge when he saw someone poised on the railing, ready to jump off. He stopped his car, ran to the railing and grabbed the man before he could leap. He noticed that the would-be suicide was carrying a viola case under his arm.
"Don't jump!" he urged. "Just think of never seeing another beautiful sunset; of never hearing the birds sing again."
"I don't care," said the desperate man.
"Then think of your loved ones, your wife and children, who will never see you again."
"They are part of the problem," was the answer.
"Then think of the music. If you jump you'll never hear a recording of William Primrose again!"
"Who's William Primrose?"
"Go on and jump!"

Q: How many violists does it take to tune a viola?
A: Five. One to hold each peg, the other to turn the viola round.

Q: How do you get a dozen violists to play in tune?
A: 1. Shoot 11 of them.
A: 2. Shoot all of them.
A: 3. Who the hell wants a dozen violists?

Q: How do you transcribe a violin piece for viola?
A: Divide the metronome marking by 2.

Q: Why did the violist marry the accordion player?
A: Upward mobility.

Q: What's the difference between a chainsaw and a viola?
A: After you pour gasoline in a chainsaw, people don't throw lit matches at you.

Q: Why don't orchestrators indicate _scordatura_ in viola parts?
A: The instrument is already detuned; it would just confuse the player.

Q: What do you call the cadenza in a viola concerto?
A: Comic relief.

Q: What's the most common tuning system for violas in Western music?
A: Badly-tempered.

Q. If a violist and a percussionist caught a cab, which one would be the musician?
A. The cab driver.

Violists don't change light bulbs. They are never in the spotlight anyway, so why bother?

Ten-year old Susie comes home from her first day of school all excited.
"Mommy, mommy; the music teacher is going to give me music lessons at school. And look, he gave me a viola to play. See? Isn't it pretty?"
"That's nice, dear."
The next day Susie comes home from school full of excitement.
"Mommy, Mr. Jackson showed me how to play 4 notes in first position on the C string!"
"That's nice, dear. Wash your hands, it's time for dinner."
And the next day Susie comes home from school, again full of excitement.
"Mommy, Mr. Jackson showed me how to play 4 more notes ... on the G string!"
"That's nice, dear. Wash your hands, it's time for dinner."
On the 4th day, by 5 o'clock Susie hasn't come home. 6 o'clock passes. 7 o'clock...
Her mother is frantic. She calls the police, Susie's friends ... no word at all.
Finally, at 11:30 Susie comes home - carrying her viola case, exhausted, with a somewhat vacant look on her face.
"Susie, where have you been? Daddy and I have been worried sick. Are you OK?"
"I'm sorry Mom. I know I should have phoned you, but I got a last minute call to sub with the Philharmonic."

Q: What's the difference between a viola player and a Duracell battery?
A: The Duracell battery has a good life.

Q: Name one thing a violinist can do better than a violist.
A: Play the viola.

_Related:_
A third-desk viola player is clearing out his attic one day and he comes across an old lamp he doesn't recognise. As he tries to wipe some of the dust off, a genie pops out, offering to grant him three wishes.

He thinks for a moment and says, 'I want to be a better musician than I am now.' The genie simply nods, and the violist doesn't feel any different.

At the next orchestra practice, the viola player was promoted to second desk! When he gets home, the violist rubs the lamp a second time, asking to be an even better musician than he currently is. Again, the genie nods and says nothing.

Next practice, the violist finds himself in the lead seat! After practice, the violist rushes home and excitedly rubs the lamp for his final wish, yet again asking to be a better musician. For the third and final time, the genie nods and says nothing.

On the way to practice, the viola player can barely contain his excitement about being an even better musician. When he arrives, what was his new position?

Last desk violin.


----------



## Lunasong

The Menuhin joke reminded me of this classic comedy skit: Morecambe and Wise with guest André Previn. It's a bit long by today's standards (12+ minutes) but I guarantee you will laugh out loud, probably more than once. Previn is the perfect foil in this sketch!


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## science

KenOC said:


> Yogi Berra on jazz: "90% of all Jazz is half improvisation. The other half is the part people play while others are playing something they never played with anyone who played that part. So if you play the wrong part, its right. If you play the right part, it might be right if you play it wrong enough. But if you play it too right, it's wrong."


If lovin' you is wrong, I don' wanna be right.


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## science

Lunasong said:


> The Menuhin joke reminded me of this classic comedy skit: Morecambe and Wise with guest André Previn. It's a bit long by today's standards (12+ minutes) but I guarantee you will laugh out loud, probably more than once. Previn is the perfect foil in this sketch!


Wow. Who knew Previn was such a funny guy?


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## musicphotogAnimal

Q: What do you get when you get 3 dozen lawyers and a dozen violists at the bottom of the sea? 

A: A damned good start.


Q: What do you call a violist up to his neck in cement. 

A: A cement shortage. 


Q: Why is a viola like a lawsuit? 

A: Everyone is happy when the case is closed.


Q: What do attorneys, banjos and violas have in common? 

A: They are all offensive and inaccurate.


Q: What's the difference between an onion and a lawyer or a viola 

A: Nobody cries when you cut up a lawyer or a viola


Q: What do you call it when an airplane makes an emergency landing on a highway and in the process squashes a car containing a lawyer and a violist

A: A public service.


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## Lunasong

But what do you have against Lawyers?


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## musicphotogAnimal

But Luna. Lawyers are like leeches...except that leeches have a use. ~smirk~

My copyright lawyer has a use...at least he says he does. Unfortunately its to siphon money out of my pocket.


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## Ravndal




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## jani

Lunasong said:


> Watch this space for an upcoming post -
> 
> 25 not-previously posted _*VIOLA jokes!*_
> 
> Why not post them now?
> Because I'm posting in *VIOLA time!*


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## Lunasong




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## Lunasong




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## Joris

If it ain't baroque, don't fix it.


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## Pyotr

What would a joke thread be without blond jokes!

Q: What's the first thing a blonde classical musician does in the morning?
A: Introduces herself.

Q: What do blonde cello players say after sex?
A: Are you guys all in the brass section?

Q: What do you call a basement full of blonde violists?
A: A whine cellar. 

Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
A: Her ankles. 

Q: Did you hear about the blond skydiver?
A: She missed the Earth!


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## Lunasong

Q) What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle? 
A) A fiddle is fun to listen to.

Q) What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle? 
A) No one minds if you spill beer on a fiddle.

Q) What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
A) The more I don't practice my violin, the more it sounds like a fiddle.

Q) What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
A) About $10,000.

Q) What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
A) It's a fiddle when you buy it and a violin when you sell it.

Q) What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
A) you can fiddle on a violin but you can't violin on a fiddle.

Q) What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
A) On a fiddle you fiddle; on a violin, you violate.

Q) What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
A) A violin sings; a fiddle dances.

Q) What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
A) A violin has a brown neck; a fiddle has a *******.

Q) What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
A) If you're playing violin, you can't stop in the middle of the tune and spit.

Q) What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
A) You can stop a violin from playing if you take away the player's sheet music.
You can stop a fiddle from playing if you put the sheet music in front of the player.​
Q) What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
A) The fiddler is employed.

Violinist: "As an encore, my accompanist and I should like to play 'Fantasie Melancholique La Feline and Scherzo' by Johann Von Schteppinit."
Fiddler: "Now I'm gonna' tickle your ears with another little fiddler's tune called 'Scratch that cat; she's meowin' again.' Here we go now - one, two, three, four.... "

A fiddler and a violinist were walking through the woods together when a large bear came on to the path. The fiddler removed his shoes and prepared to run, The violinist said, "You can't out-run a bear..." The fiddler said, "I don't have to out run the bear; I just have to out-run you."


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## Huilunsoittaja

Lunasong said:


> Q) What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
> A) The fiddler is employed.


Oooooooooooooooohhhhh


----------



## drpraetorus

In the Book of Exodus in the Bible, we learn that Moses had at least two siblings, Aaron and Miriam. Both of them were older than Moses, so he seems to have been the kid brother in the family. 

Aaron was known for his speaking ability and became Moses spokesman. Miriam, of course, was the child who waded into the crocodile infested waters of the Nile to keep an eye on the basket containing baby Moses. 

One interesting fact about Miriam that we do not usually hear about is that she was an accomplished musician. In her lifetime she seems to have been mostly associated with percussion instruments. According to Exodus 15:20 she had an all female percussion and dance ensemble who did an impromptu performance after the parting of the Red Sea. 

And Miriam the prophetess, the sister of Aaron, took a timbrel in her hand; and all the women went out after her with timbrels and with dances.

She must have been like an early Martha Graham or Agnes deMille.

What is less well known is that Miriam was an accomplished horn player. Of course the horns of her time where really horns. Rams horns, shofars, cow horns, olifants etc. Miriam seems to have had a preference for, or is at least most associated with the larger, hence, deeper sounding horns. 

While this traditional association of Miriam and horns was never a big deal in the Jewish worship services, it was picked up by the early Latin Christians who developed an entire section of the Mass for the Dead around it. 

By the time of the Roman Empire, metal horns would have been very common, the Roman Army actually marched to the sound of large metal horns called Cornua. There was also a Roman version of the long, straight herald trumpet. This simple tube was a form of wind instrument dating back millennia. Two where found in the tomb of Tutankhamun. And it was this ancient form of trumpet that the early Latin church associated with Miriam. 

As I said earlier, this was such a strong association that an entire section of the Requiem Mass was dedicated to it. Being in Latin, they would have used the Latin word for the trumpet which is tuba. Not the big modern thing but what we would call a trumpet. This section of the Requiem has been put to music by many composers to great effect. Indeed, who can not hear Mozarts Requiem with out being deeply affected by the great Tuba Miriam section?

Tuba Miriam spargens sonam.


----------



## Pantheon

Chuck Norris wrote 9 Symphonies... and is still alive.
(Okay that was really bad, I admit it. Don't kill me !)


----------



## superhorn

I don't think Chuck Norris even knows what a symphony is .


----------



## Pantheon

I'm sure you're right, but it's Chuck Norris, and Chuck Norris can do anything, even sing a trio on his own.


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## Lunasong

A violist is complaining to a violinist that he never attracts the girls like the violinist does. The violinist says, "I'll tell you a trick that often works. Put a potato down your pants when you play."

Several weeks later they play together at a gig. The violist comes up to the violinist and whines, "What a stupid idea! Not only do the girls not want to talk to me, they head the other way when I come up to them."

The violinist looks down at the other's pants and says, "You're supposed to put it in the front."



Look to the violists of the orchestra. You can't see them or hear them, and yet your heavenly Father doth nourish them. Are you not of more value than they?

Q) What is worse than telling viola jokes?
A) Laughing at them.


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## Lunasong

More Garrison Keillor:
Script from _A Prairie Home Companion_, March 26, 2005

Garrison Keillor: I began playing the bassoon at the age of 6 because Grandpa was a bassoonist and he taught me how to play. Unfortunately, he didn't speak English (TR SWEDISH, EXPLAINING HOW TO PLAY), so I never got clear on some things, like reeds - I used waxed paper instead, or a blade of grass- and my hands were too small to reach all the keys so I basically played just four of them - and my tone wasn't good because Grandpa was hearing impaired (TR SWEDISH, DEAFNESS), but I was the best bassoonist in my hometown and that was something.

Sue Scott: What's that?

GK: A bassoon.

SS: Oh. I never saw one before.

GK: Well, you have now. I was the only bassoon in the High School Marching Band.

Tim Russell: You stand with the clarinets.

GK: It's kind of heavy to carry. Could I just play clarinet?

TR: No, you're the bassoonist.

GK: Please-

TR: We don't have any more clarinets.

GK: Trumpet?

TR: I don't think you've got the self-esteem for it.

GK: How about trombone?

TR: Your arms aren't long enough.

GK: So I was the bassoonist. Because I had my own bassoon and the school district couldn't buy musical instruments because the football team needed an indoor practice facility.

I wanted to play guitar. Bassoon is a tricky instrument and some notes on it sound great and others it sounds like a cartoon. Bassoon is not a great social ticket in high school. Guitar is. Buddy Holly did not play a bassoon. On the other hand, if he had, he'd probably still be alive. 
And then one Christmas my mother gave me a big present.

SS: I hope you like it.

GK: Is it a guitar?

SS: Why would I give you a guitar?

GK: Wow. A bassoon.

SS: It's a really good one. That's what the salesman said. The best.

GK: It looks beautiful.

SS: It's from Germany. It cost $10,000.

GK: Mom-

SS: I know it's expensive. But for you, honey- nothing is too good. Nothing.

GK: O Mom-

SS: For you and your career as a bassoonist, I would make any sacrifice.

GK: Thank you, Mom. I guess.

SS: I got a job scrubbing toilets. It's nights and weekends so I won't see much of you for the next couple of years-

GK: Couple of years!

SS: At 35 cents an hour - it takes time to pay for a bassoon. Plus there's the lessons.

GK: I studied with a man named Ulrich.

TR (NAZI): You will not clack the keys when you press the levers.

GK: It's hard not to clack the keys.

TR (NAZI): You will not clack the keys. If you clack the keys, I will smack you so you never clack again.

GK: I'll do my best.

TR (NAZI): You will do more than your best. You will not clack the keys.

GK: Yes, sir.

TR (NAZI): Pay attention to embouchure! Work the corners of your mouth. Let your lips relax.

GK: I'm trying to do that.

TR (NAZI): Let your wrists be natural. Keep your head up. Don't lean toward the bassoon. Bring the bassoon to you.

GK: Yes.

TR (NAZI): No key clacking will we hear.

GK: I felt so guilty because my mother was scrubbing toilets while I practiced. (BASSOON: HAPPY TRAILS) But I worked at it. And I started to think maybe I'd like to play in an orchestra. Growing up in Minnesota, I was naturally modest and afraid of failure, so it made sense to get a job where everybody was dressed like me and doing the same thing I was. Orchestra, in other words. And since you wear black, you'd never need to do laundry. 
So I decided to audition for the Minneapolis Symphony Orchestra. It would mean so much to Grandpa (SWEDISH) and to my mom.

SS (MOM): The orchestra concerts start at eight o'clock, honey. That's when I take my lunch break from cleaning toilets. I could come over and stand in the lobby and if somebody opened a door, I could hear you play.

GK: When you play in an orchestra, Mom, you're not supposed to stand out from the others, okay?

SS (MOM): I'm your mom, honey. I would recognize you even if you were playing soft.

GK: So in the stage door I went. I was so nervous, I couldn't bear it.

TR: You a musician?

GK: I think so.

TR: What instrument is that?

GK: Bassoon.

TR: Bassoon?

GK: Yes, sir.

TR: How come you carry it around in a golf bag?

GK: That's the only bag it seems to fit in.

TR: You see right over there- that's a bassoon case.

GK: How would it fit in there?

TR: You take it apart.

GK: It comes apart?

TR: Yeah, you take it apart and put it in a little case.

GK: Oh. I didn't know that. (BRIDGE) I'd been using the golf bag to carry my bassoon for years. In Anoka, nobody noticed. - I walked backstage (CROWD AMBIENCE, VOICES OFF) and there were a lot of people warming up for their auditions. A clarinetist (CAPRICCIO ESPAGNOL), the instrument I always wanted to play. And a trombonist. (BOLERO). Playing part of Ravel's Bolero. I took out my bassoon and I tried to remember what my teachers had told me.

TR (NAZI): Good breath control. Relax the neck. Let the larynx drop. Don't constrict your throat.

GK: And suddenly I couldn't breathe at all. (STRANGLING) Near me, a horn player was working on his audition piece. (TILL EULENSPIEGEL) And suddenly I thought that maybe I should've worked up a classical piece for my audition. That maybe "Love Me Tender" was not the best idea. (LOVE ME TENDER) Everybody else was doing classical stuff. Over in the corner was a harpist. (WALTZ OF THE FLOWERS). Tchaikovsky. And even the percussionist had a piece of "Porgy and Bess" he was working on. (PORGY AND BESS) What did I know that I could pull out at the last minute? Maybe that thing from the Sorcerer's Apprentice. And then I saw this other bassoonist playing it. (SORCERER'S APPRENTICE) Playing it twice as well as I could ever dream of doing it. 
Maybe I should switch to bass. Not that hard an instrument. Such low notes, nobody knows if you hit them or not. And then this whole bunch of basses started practicing Beethoven. (BEETHOVEN 5TH) And then it was my turn to take that long walk out to the stage.

TR: Mr. Kyler?

GK: Yes, sir.

TR: You're on.

GK: Me?

TR: You. You want me to tie a blindfold on you?

GK: No, I guess not.

TR: Any last requests?

GK: I'd like to be remembered as a guy who- As somebody who, no matter what the- I'd like to be remembered- as somebody once said, "a man who-"

TR: How about a last meal?

GK: I'd like a steak, medium rare, mashed potatoes, creamed peas-

TR: Too late. You're on. That way. 
(LONG SERIES OF FOOTSTEPS, WITH SOME HESITATION. REVERB ON HEART POUNDING, INCREASES IN VOLUME, SOME SLIGHT BREATHING WHICH GETS LOUDER, WITH MORE PANIC) (STOP. DRIPPING OF SWEAT. BREATHING. HEART POUNDING) (A SMALL FART) (PAUSE)
TR (REVERB): Mr. Kyler?

GK: Yes, sir.

TR (REVERB): Tell me about your background?

GK: Yes, sir. I, uh, I- I subbed with the Berlin Philharmonic.

TR (REVERB): Berlin, Germany?

GK: No.

TR (REVERB): Berlin, Wisconsin?

GK: Yes. Did I forget to mention that? I, uh, took a master class with Sol Schoenbach. I sort of did. I wasn't in the class, I was out in the hall. But I heard most of it. I went to Curtis.

TR (REVERB): The Curtis Institute in Philadelphia?

GK: No, the Curtis Candy Company, makers of Baby Ruth and Butterfingers.

TR (REVERB): Speaking of butterfingers, what piece are you going to play?

GK: Well, sir - I was going to play part of the "Rite of Spring" but I left my special reed at home.

TR (REVERB): I see.

GK: And I was going to do a passage from the Tchaikovsky 4th but I knocked my instrument off a chair and my low notes are leaking.

TR (REVERB): Mr. Kyler-

GK: Yes, sir.

TR (REVERB): Were you aware that that's a vacuum cleaner you brought out on stage?

GK: No, sir. No, I wasn't. I guess I thought it was a bassoon, sir.

TR (REVERB): Would you like to play something on it?

GK: No, I don't think so. But thank you for asking. (BRIDGE) And that's how I became a stagehand. A little known career in the arts that's actually as much fun as being an artist. You get to winch in the battens and flies (WINCH) and you get to test the fire alarm (ALARM). You can operate a fork lift. (FORK LIFT) and run that around on stage. There's always a game of cribbage. (DEALING CARDS) And there are spitting contests. (HAWK, SPIT, PAUSE, DING OF SPITTOON). You get to stand on the empty stage after everybody's gone home and sing. (TK: O DANNY BOY, THE PIPES THE PIPES ARE CALLING, ETC.).

You get to mop the floor (SPLOSH, AND MOP). There's all sorts of percussion stuff you can play with. (PERCUSSION RIFFS, ARNIE). You can get drums and cymbals out of the closets and play to your heart's content. (MORE ELABORATE PERCUSSION RIFFS). You know, sometimes I think that with better guidance counseling, I could've become a drummer. (DRUM RIFFS) There's also important work to be done- you've got to coddle the guest artists and try to settle them down when they get excited - (TR EXCITED FRENCH) - Yes, sir, I have the water on stage for you and it is Evian. (TR EXCITED ITALIAN) Don't your worry about that, sir- I have an extra black tie. I made it out of a black sock. There. (TR EXCITED RUSSIAN) Yes, sir, I will take care of that, sir. (TR EXCITED SWEDISH) No, I will make sure nobody touches your herring. (TR ANGRY GERMAN) Absolutely, sir. Right away, sir.
Every concert it seems, there's some little emergency that you never dealt with before. Maybe the tenor needs me.

TR (TENOR): During my solo, could you give me a little backlighting and maybe some pinks to bring out the coloring, and maybe drop some glitter from the ceiling? Just a little?

GK: I'll do my best

TR (TENOR): And a follow spot-

GK: I'll try. -Or maybe the soprano needs something-

SS: Could you come in here for a moment?

GK: Sure. (FOOTSTEPS)

SS: My strap broke.

GK: Your strap.

SS: My shoulder strap. The one that holds my dress up. It broke.

GK: Oh, that strap. Yes.

SS: I don't know what to do.

GK: Well, the other strap is doing a pretty good job. So far.

SS: I'm afraid that if I take big breaths, I may lose it-

GK: If you take- oh, right. Sure. Well, I could pin it with a safety pin.

SS: But if the pin came loose and stuck me, I might hit the high C early.

GK: I could sew it, if I'd have to take your dress off.

SS: Would you mind?

GK: Would I mind taking your dress off?

SS: I don't want to offend you.

GK: Well, I - I'm a professional, ma'am. I'm a stagehand. Nudity is my middle name.

SS: Okay. (BRIDGE)

GK: I do what I can for everybody - I arrange the music stands so people can share one stand but they don't stick their bow in somebody's eye. I adjust the chairs (RATCHET) so they're the exact height that each person likes it. And for bassoonists, I do anything.

CHRIS: Would you mind cleaning my jacket during intermission? It's got trumpet spit on the shoulders.

GK: I'll get right to it.

CHRIS: And could you possibly bring us the score of the Juilliard/North Carolina basketball game?

GK: You want me to bring that out onstage?

CHRIS: Please.

GK: You got it.

(BRIDGE)

JF: Excuse me- Mr. Kyler - I'm afraid I've gone and done a foolish thing.

GK: Yes, Miss Fleezanis-

JF: I've lost my violin - -

GK: Oh my gosh-

JF: The concert starts in 30 minutes-

GK: Twenty-five!

JF: I'm playing the Prokofiev Concerto-

GK: Oh boy. Where'd you leave it?

JF: In front of my house. At the curb. In a box for the Salvation Army.

CHRIS: Hey, Carson-

GK: Yeah. Chris. My man.

CHRIS: I just want to say thanks for the woodwind lobby. All of us bassoonists really appreciate it. It's great to be able to duck downstairs during a concert and take care of our e-mail and make phone calls and have coffee.

GK: You're welcome. I'd do anything for you guys. I used to be a bassoonist myself.

CHRIS: I knew there was something about you.

GK: (BRIDGE) It's the first woodwind lobby in any American orchestra. I got out my power tools one week and cut a hole in the stage floor (POWER SAW) and I put in a trap door and a stairway (HAMMERING) and I built them a room down there where they can go during long passages when they don't play. There's an espresso machine down there (ESPRESSO) and there's TV of course (TV AUDIO) and some of the woodwinds have dogs (WOOFS) and they're down there during concerts and the guys can relax, watch TV, there's a periscope (PERISCOPE RISING) where they can observe the conductor- (ORCHESTRA PLAYING, VAMPING ON WM TELL)

TR: He's got twenty bars to go, relax. Lots of time.

GK: Or look at members of the audience-

TR: Oh boy. Get a load of this one. Where'd she get that hairdo? At the dog pound?

GK: And they can play ping-pong (PING PONG VOLLEY) and wile away those aimless hours when the string section is playing-

TR: Put the periscope back up (ORCHESTRA VAMPING….) What's he playing?

SS: It's the William Tell overture.

TR: Are you sure?

SS: Yeah, this is the viola section.

TR: Oh. No wonder I didn't recognize it.

GK: Say, just a reminder, you guys - I gave you the trumpet parts-

TR: You did?

TK: Cool!

SS: So we get to play the main theme??

TK: Fantastic.

TR: We never got to play the theme before.

SS: We just sat there and tooted a little.

TK: Great.

GK: You sure you can handle it?

TR: Hey, we're woodwinds. We can handle it.

GK: Okay. Here comes the theme.

TK: Time for one more coffee?

GK: Nope, you better go topside. What you want for after the show?

TR: Pizza. Sausage for me.

SS: Vegetarian, no onions.

TK: Pepperoni. Extra cheese. No mushrooms.

GK: Okay, it'll be waiting. Break a reed.

TR: Thanks.

SS: Okay. So long, Rex. See you in a few minutes. (WOOFS)

GK: Watch your step. Up you go. 
(WILLIAM TELL, WITH BASSOONS) (BIG FINISH)


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## Lunasong




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## Lunasong




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## Forte

Pantheon said:


> I'm sure you're right, but it's Chuck Norris, and Chuck Norris can do anything, even sing a trio on his own.


Everyone knows Godowsky wrote some transcriptions of a few Chopin etudes for the left hand... Chuck Norris wrote no hand transcriptions of Chopin etudes.


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## Lunasong

Q) What's the difference between a bassoonist and a Rhino that ate 5 lbs. of baked beans?
A) One is a creature making unpleasant, loud, farting noises, and the other is a Rhino.

Q) How are a bassoon solo and a blind javelin thrower alike? 
A) Both command immediate attention, alarm, and force everyone to move out of range.

Q) What is an English horn teacher called?
A) A Tudor tooter tutor.

Antal Dorati was conducting some symphony in which the bassoon player had to wait about a thousand measures before he came in. At the last rehearsal before the concert, he asked Maestro Dorati if he would give him a cue. Dorati of course agreed and noted it in the score. That evening, however, at the performance, Dorati conducted without a score, forgot to cue the bassoonist to come it with this very important part, and as a result the whole piece was ruined. After the concert (so the story goes), Dorati was backstage looking for this bassoon player, and when he found him, started berating him for not coming in when he was supposed to.
The poor bassoon player was bewildered: "But Maestro, you said you'd cue me."
"Cue you? Cue you?" said Dorati angrily, "Couldn't you see I was busy conducting?"


----------



## Lunasong

Watch: I Am the Very Model of a Modern Music Syllabus.
(for best results, watch on full screen through the embedded Youtube link.)
[yt]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3392B5R5BoA#t=71[/yt]


----------



## Musician

Knock Knock Knock knock!!!!

Who's there?

Its Beethoven's Fifth!

LOL!


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## Huilunsoittaja

Lunasong said:


> Q) How are a bassoon solo and a blind javelin thrower alike?
> A) Both command immediate attention, alarm, and force everyone to move out of range.


Hahahah! nice one! Even better yet, "Both cause everyone to cringe when they go out of bounds." (bassoon messes up in too-high register, or javelin accidentally goes into audience space)


----------



## Musician

A person wearing a piano tie, piano shirt, piano pants, hat and shoes steps inside a piano store and browses the different pianos, a salesman approaches him and asks : So are you interested to buy a piano? 

'Well no, actuality I wanted to buy a violin, can't you get a clue! man!???!


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## mstar

Lunasong said:


> Watch.


ILOVEITILOVEITILOVEIT!!!!!!!  I was laughing the whole time.....


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## Lunasong

Q: How can you tell a trumpet player at a party?
A: He is the one telling everyone he is a trumpet player.

Q: What do you call a pile of sand with a double bass headstock visible at the top?
A: Not enough sand.

Q: What's the relative minor?
A: The guitar player's girlfriend.

Q: How do you know the musician is in jail?
A: He’s behind a few bars and can’t find the key.


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## mstar

I know the composer of Beethoven's ninth.


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## Lunasong

I translated these jokes off a German website. If you can read German there are plenty of other jokes on the site that didn't translate as well.
http://www.wienerhorn.com/ (humor)

During orchestra rehearsal, the conductor was working with the trumpet section on a _forte_ section. He cuts them off and says, "No; _forte_, please."
The trumpet players collectively take a deep breath and again play as loud as they can. The conductor shakes his head and says,"No, _forte_!"
Again the trumpet players play until they are red in the face. The conductor cuts them off again.
"I said _forte_, not _fortissimo_!"

Q) When does a clarinet sound most beautiful?
A) When it's softly crackling in the fireplace.

A trumpet player practices every day, eight hours a day.
His buddy says, "How do you do that? I could never do that!"
The trumpet player responds, "Well, you have to know exactly what you want."
"And what do you want?"
"The house next door."

_Bratschewitze_

The evening prayer of a viola player:
Dona nobis tacet!

Q) How can an orchestra save money?
A) Install motion detectors on the stand lamps in the viola section.

Two violinists meet again after a long time. One of them is carrying a viola case.
The other one asks him, "Did you have a stroke?"

A viola player goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, I have a problem. I talk in my sleep."
The doctor responds, "That's not really a problem. A lot of people talk in their sleep."
The violist says, "But the whole orchestra is laughing at me!"


----------



## mstar

Yes! More from Lunasong is always great (especially when the post's related to violas...  just kidding).


----------



## Klavierspieler

Lunasong said:


> I translated these jokes off a German website. If you can read German there are plenty of other jokes on the site that didn't translate as well.
> http://www.wienerhorn.com/ (humor)


Hehe! That site is great! Here are a couple of others from there (I think some of these may have been posted here before, though. Forgive me):

How was the viola invented?
Someone put strings on a violin case.

Why can't you hear the violas on modern recordings?
Because technology has progressed to the point where recordings can be produced without any background noise at all.

Two violists are sitting in a bar -
A musician walks in.

What is the shortest brass instrument joke?
Piano

How many times does a horn-player laugh at a joke? Once: When he hears it.
How many times does a trumpet-player laugh at a joke? Twice: Once when he hears it and again when he understands it.
How many times does a tuba-player laugh at a joke? Thrice: Once when he hears it, once when you explain it to him and yet again when he understands.
How many times does a drummer laugh at a joke? He doesn't: He starts a fight because he thinks the others are laughing at him.

What does a tenor do when the rain patters at the window?
He bows.


----------



## superhorn

Pianist Emanuel Ax and cellist Yo-Yo Ma are starting new trio with a famous German female violinist 
based on a Lizzie Borden theme . 

It will be called "Ax Yo Mutter ". 






:lol: :lol: :lol:


----------



## Blancrocher

superhorn said:


> Pianist Emanuel Ax and cellist Yo-Yo Ma are starting new trio with a famous German female violinist
> based on a Lizzie Borden theme .
> 
> It will be called "Ax Yo Mutter ".
> 
> :lol: :lol: :lol:


You should be kicked off the forum for that one!


----------



## mstar

Lunasong said:


> The Menuhin joke reminded me of this classic comedy skit: Morecambe and Wise with guest André Previn. It's a bit long by today's standards (12+ minutes) but I guarantee you will laugh out loud, probably more than once. Previn is the perfect foil in this sketch!


WONDERFUL!!! Absolutely WONDERFUL!!!


----------



## Lunasong

Why did Beethoven write ten violin sonatas?

_Because he was deaf._

Why didn't Tchaikovsky write any violin sonatas?

_Because he wasn't._


----------



## science

mstar said:


> WONDERFUL!!! Absolutely WONDERFUL!!!


I just can't get over what a good actor Andrew Preview is. Maybe there were lots of takes, but he nailed it.

(Of course I'm disappointed he wasn't more familiar with Grieg's original piano concerto.)


----------



## Klavierspieler

science said:


> I just can't get over what a good actor Andrew Preview is. Maybe there were lots of takes, but he nailed it.
> 
> (Of course I'm disappointed he wasn't more familiar with Grieg's original piano concerto.)


Previt.  .........................................


----------



## science

Not lame at all, but deserving of attention:

http://www.talkclassical.com/blogs/huilunsoittaja/1273-russian-composer-photo-spoof.html


----------



## mstar

science said:


> Not lame at all, but deserving of attention:
> 
> http://www.talkclassical.com/blogs/huilunsoittaja/1273-russian-composer-photo-spoof.html


Oh, I saw that a few days ago.... I was laughing throughout the majority of it!!! Bravo, Huilunsoittaja! 

(Are you reading this right now, Huilunsoittaja? Yes? I thought so  )


----------



## mstar

Klavierspieler said:


> Previt.  .........................................


Yesterday that video did inspire me to listen to "Grieg's Piano Concerto by Grieg," Klavierspieler.... No doubt, it is still done considerably well by "that guy and that guy...."


----------



## DrKilroy

This was already posted in another thread, but I think it is funny enough to post here. 






Best regards, Dr


----------



## Lunasong

Having a slow day?
You sound board.


----------



## mstar

This thread just makes my day....


----------



## DrKilroy

DrKilroy said:


> This was already posted in another thread, but I think it is funny enough to post here.


Now I have made an animated GIF for easier use. 










Best regards, Dr


----------



## Lunasong

"The clarinet is a musical instrument the only thing worse that which is two." Ambrose Bierce

"Music with dinner is an insult to both the chef and the violinist." G. K. Chesterton

"One of the perks of being an unemployed musician is that you get to play much less bad music." Jack Daney


----------



## aleazk

DrKilroy said:


> Now I have made an animated GIF for easier use.
> 
> Best regards, Dr


omg... I opened Pandora's box!.


----------



## DrKilroy

Calm down, I will exploit your find no more. 

Best regards, Dr


----------



## peeyaj




----------



## Lunasong




----------



## Lunasong

maybe this would have helped the above picture ^^


----------



## Lunasong

Q: What does a hard drinking musicologist do when composing??
A: starts with the fifth & ends with the tonic

Wherever two or three trombone players are gathered, there's usually a fifth.

A guy in Siberia was freezing and went in a bar/pub to drink vodka thinking he would get warmer.
He was carrying a little wallet. 
In the bar, the bartender asked what he was carrying in the wallet.
The guy said that he would first take vodka and then show him what's in it.
After his vodka, the guy opened that wallet and a tiny 12 inch pianist came out along with a miniature piano. He played so magnificently... The bartender though the little pianist could be the best pianist in Russia and was moved to tears... But the owner of the wallet was not happy!
The bartender asked why was he sad to possess Russia's biggest piano talent in this wallet?
The guy told a genie came to him and told he would grant one of the man's wishes. The man then ended up with the little pianist in the wallet.
So what's wrong with that? You should be proud said the bartender.
The guy looked at the bartender and said, "_You're crazy; you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist_?!"


----------



## Musician

The cycle of fifths got tired after a long jogg, he decided to sit down at the park bench to rest a little, hopp..he sees the piano running looking all scared and frightened, and the violin is rite after her holding her bow up yelling :'Come on you rascal! show me what you got!'...!!!

Cycle of fifths couldnt believe what he was seeing, a concerto in progress while he is taking a nap? up he jumped and began chasing them both, yelling :Wait for me you fools!' I'm running in parallels!


----------



## Lunasong

Animaniacs, anyone?

"I will now play this piece not as the composer wrote it, but as he intended!"


----------



## mstar

FOR THE VIDEO ABOVE:

*26 seconds in:* Excellent! Some way or another to stall practicing Mozart!!! 

*1:03* "shoouushhh....." 

*1:36* What accent is that?

*2:27* Don't we all wish that there were just enough seats at each concert in the front, after we got in for free?! jk...

*2:45* "Franz Schubert intended this scherzo" was so unexpected, but I guess if they said that in a cartoon today, the majority of the children watching would not know what either a Fronz, a Skertzo, or a Chubert is.

*6:10* Wait, did he just say Ludwig Van Potsburger?! 
*
6:45* *What is he actually playing? *


----------



## superhorn

What's the difference between a conductor and God ? God doesn't think he's a conductor .




:lol: :lol: :lol:


----------



## Lunasong

Conductor: What you played was right but a bar late.
Viola Player: Well, my stand partner usually does the counting for me but he isn't here!

Air -
- goes out of a clarinetist's mouth and through his instrument
- goes out of a flautist's mouth and over his instrument
- with a violist goes in one ear and out of the other

Q)Why did the viola player walk right past the tavern, without even thinking about going inside?
A) Because he thought it was a vile inn.

Q) Who is always last to arrive at a party?
A) The viola players - they always come in late.


----------



## Lunasong

Young scholars have expressed their rapture for the Bronze Lullaby, the Taco Bell Cannon, Beethoven's Erotica, Tchaikovsky's Cracknutter Suite, Sherbert’s Unfinished Symphony, and Gershwin's Rap City in Blue.

Meanwhile. Rock Monanoff was a famous post-romantic composer of piano concerti.


----------



## mstar

Lunasong said:


> Young scholars have expressed their rapture for the Bronze Lullaby, the Taco Bell Cannon, Beethoven's Erotica, Tchaikovsky's Cracknutter Suite, Sherbert's Unfinished Symphony, and Gershwin's Rap City in Blue.
> 
> Meanwhile. Rock Monanoff was a famous post-romantic composer of piano concerti.


YES!! Just made my day in terms of humor....


----------



## Musician

If music had ears it would have listened to Itself...


----------



## Lunasong

I have found a mother-lode of new viola jokes, so will start posting a few at a time...

Q) how do viola players find the solution to an out-of-tune string instrument the day before an important concert? 
A) Buy a new viola.

Two neighbours were speaking: 
“Please, will you lend me your viola tonight?” 
“Ah, you want to try to play it as well, then?” 
“No, I just want to get a good night’s sleep!”

Q) What's the difference between a washing machine and a violist? 
A) The washing machine has a more intense vibrato, and the result is also cleaner.


A viola teacher came home and said, “Patricia, darling, in the music school they are beginning to call me the absent-minded professor.”
The reply came straight away: “Sorry, I’m not Patricia – she lives up on the next floor” … !


Two viola players were heading to rehearsal in an unfamiliar town, and they realized that they were late. 
Worse still, they were told to stop by police on what seemed a routine check. 
Getting really nervous, one said, “Look, give him €20 and see if we pass.” Sure enough it worked, and they were waved on. But another 75 metres and … another control! “Give him €20 and let’s see if we can move on”. Again it seemed to work. But … another 75 metres and yet another police control. “I haven’t got any more money; stop, Paul.” The policeman asked the driver to wind down the window and said: 
“If you give me €50 I’ll show you how to leave the roundabout” … !!


----------



## Musician

Mozart wanted to name his Symphony No. 40 'Kvetchisch'


----------



## Lunasong

Musician said:


> Mozart wanted to name his Symphony No. 40 'Kvetchisch'


I hate when I have to ask someone to explain a joke, but could you please explain? I know nothing about whining or complaining in association with this symphony.


----------



## Musician

Lunasong said:


> I hate when I have to ask someone to explain a joke, but could you please explain? I know nothing about whining or complaining in association with this symphony.


lol, ok well...

The beginning doesnt it sound to you like someone is whining/kvetching lol, have a listen...


----------



## Lunasong

A violist saw her son crying in the bed one morning, and comforted him: 
“But, Johnny, you've got to go to school, you know, to be prepared to fight in life, be prepared, be intelligent …” 
“But,” he sobbed “I don’t want to be intelligent, I just want to be like you...” 

In a plane bound for a viola congress in Zurich, the flight attendant approached a violist in the first-class section and requested that she move to economy since she did not have a first-class ticket. The violist replied, "I'm a great violist and I'm going to Zurich, so I'm not moving." 
Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman, asking her to please move out of the first-class section. Again, the violist replied, "I'm a great violist and I'm going to Zurich, so I'm not moving." 
The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. 
The captain said, "I'm married to a viola player, and I know how to handle this." 
He went to the first-class section and whispered in the violist's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the economy section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so?" 
Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked exactly what he said to her that finally persuaded her to move from her seat. He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to Zurich."


----------



## Lunasong

Q) Why do violists make bad policemen (or women)? 
A) They can’t stay on the beat for long!

Q) Why are violists bad lovers?
A) Because they hardly know more than one position!

Q) Why is viola called "bratsche" in Germany? 
A) Because that's the sound it makes when you sit down on it!

Q) How is the viola defined in physics textbooks? 
A) A friction-driven, vibrating, manually-operated, musical pitch-approximator!

Q) How long does a viola generally stay in tune? 
A) 3 or 4 weeks - or until someone starts to play it; whichever comes first!

Q) What does a viola section sound like under water? 
A) A very good idea!

Q) What's the difference between a class of deaf students and a symphony viola section? 
A) The violists at least have a pension plan …

Q) Why didn’t Mozart write any awful notes for the viola to play in his Musical Joke? 
A) It really wasn’t necessary for him to write out those notes ...


----------



## rrudolph

Lunasong said:


> Young scholars have expressed their rapture for the Bronze Lullaby, the Taco Bell Cannon, Beethoven's Erotica, Tchaikovsky's Cracknutter Suite, Sherbert's Unfinished Symphony, and Gershwin's Rap City in Blue.
> 
> Meanwhile. Rock Monanoff was a famous post-romantic composer of piano concerti.


Let us not forget JS Bach's great cantata "Wash It Off".


----------



## Reichstag aus LICHT

Not a joke, as such, but a true story. I'd arrived too late at my local pub to officially participate in the quiz, but I was sneakily helping my usual team-mates throughout the night, giving cryptic clues to them out of the corner of my mouth. It was going well, and we ended up tying for first place in the "free beer round".

The sudden-death tie-breaker was a cinch: "Who composed _Carmen_?". I leaned closer to my friend Adrian, who - as a horn player - would surely get my clue: "Like a basin you wash your ar$e in, but change one of the letters". "Got yer!", said Adrian, and immediately shouted out "Midet".


----------



## Lunasong

Your pub has some classy game nights.

Here's my true story. I bought my son a used Hyundai _Accent_ for his transportation and mentioned it was the perfect car for a musician. He responded, "No I think it's the perfect car for a linguist."


----------



## mstar

Lunasong said:


> Your pub has some classy game nights.
> 
> Here's my true story. I bought my son a used Hyundai _Accent_ for his transportation and mentioned it was the perfect car for a musician. He responded, "No I think it's the perfect car for a linguist."


Hyundai Sonata.  
..........................


----------



## mstar

*Funny Story:* 20 characters.


----------



## jtbell

Lunasong said:


> Young scholars have expressed their rapture for the Bronze Lullaby, the Taco Bell Cannon, Beethoven's Erotica, Tchaikovsky's Cracknutter Suite, Sherbert's Unfinished Symphony, and Gershwin's Rap City in Blue.


Don't forget the Kodály Buttocks-Pressing Song.


----------



## Celloman

A violist walks into a sports bar. All of the other musicians are waiting for him.

"What took you so long?" asks one of the clarinetists.

"I don't know," the violist replies. "What's the score?"


----------



## Lunasong

A visual break from viola jokes...


----------



## Lunasong

jtbell said:


> Don't forget the Kodály Buttocks-Pressing Song.


from http://dickstrawser.blogspot.com/2011/10/lady-mondegreen-buttocks-pressing-song.html
Years ago, when I lived in New York City, I was shopping at Patelson's Music Store buying some orchestral scores (it's a shop I referred to as "The Best Little Score-House in Town," now alas a victim of the present-day economy). Next to me, a harried clerk had taken a phone call from someone looking for the Kodaly "Buttocks-Pressing Song."

Kodaly - pronounced KOH-dai - was a Hungarian composer who collected a lot of folk songs across Eastern Europe.

The clerk muttered something about odd folk customs one might find in Eastern Europe (immediately, the whole Monty Python "Fish-Slapping Dance" ran through my mind).

No, no "Buttocks-Pressing Song" by Zoltan Kodaly in stock. He even checked under Kodaly's colleague Bela Bartok, who also published arrangements of hundreds of folk songs, and found nothing there, either.

Then he asked whether it was part of a set or an individual piece.

"An old English dance hall song?" he said in disbelief.

It turns out she was looking for "Could I but Express in Song."

Having "googled" this more recently, I found it's actually a frequently committed occurance, one that's been around a while - and it's not an English dance hall song but a sentimental ballad by the Russian composer, Leonid Malashkin.

That doesn't mean the harried clerk hadn't heard what he thought he heard.

Over the years, spending much time at a radio station, a colleague was asked about "The Errant Hornpipe" which we finally figured out must be by Handel: two sections of his famous Water Music, the "Air and Hornpipe."

These are known as Mondegreens - something you hear that's close but not close enough to win you a cigar.

A link I keep in my computer for a moment when I need a laugh was inspired by a Mondegreen from Verdi's opera, Rigoletto, compounded of course by being in Italian but sounding like the tenor has a thing for elephants.

The original Italian is "e di pensier," which basically means "and her thoughts" at the end of the Duke's famous aria, "La donna é mobile" (which might come out " La donna immobile" if it refers to the soprano Jess Enormous).

Now whenever I hear this aria, I can't get "elephants, yeah" out of my mind!


----------



## mstar

What to do with Lunasong and her incredibly fantastic jokes. :lol: :lol: :lol:


----------



## Lunasong




----------



## Taggart

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>


----------



## superhorn

Did you hear about the dentist who was a composer and an accomplished pianist , as well as being a
religious mystic ?
Among his works for piano are the "Trance And Dental Etudes ".

Groaaaaaan !!!!!!! Please don't throw me off the forum for this one !!!!!


----------



## Lunasong

VIOLA RECITAL

A viola student goes to hear a recital of his teacher. He buys the ticket, and then goes to the entry door. He returns to the ticket office, buys another ticket, and goes off once more to the entrance. This process happens some four or five times, until the lady in the box office says: “Why do you keep coming back to me?” 
The violist replies seriously: “I’m just about to go inside, when a nasty man comes over to me and tears my ticket into two!” 

A short-sighted, bespectacled viola student, decided to see his professor in an important recital. His teacher had already indicated that he might learn quite a bit technically, so to concentrate. He was taking a drink in the theatre bar before entering, and to his surprise saw a notice at the exit of the bar which read, “Glasses are not allowed into the auditorium”. So he took off his specs and had a most miserable evening!

A viola recital is the kind of music that starts at six o'clock and after it has been going an hour and a half, you look at your watch and it says 6:10.

During the second half of a viola solo recital, a youngish man was snoring somewhat loudly in the public. The lady alongside him gave a firm ‘nudge’ and told him: 
“Please don’t snore so loudly – you’re going to wake up the whole hall!” 

An awful viola player was giving a recital for a local music club, and the performance went on and on. In fact, an hour and ten minutes passed by without arriving at an interval. A drunk man in the public picked up a bottle and threw it at him. Unfortunately, it totally missed the violist and hit the music club chairman on the head. The chairman was momentarily knocked out, but as soon as he came round he could be heard to say,
“Hit me again – I can still hear him!"

A drunken man came onstage during a viola recital, and said to the performer: “This is the most boring recital I've heard in all my life!” The lady concert organizer came over from the back of the hall to the rescue, removed the drunk from the platform as fast as she could, and apologized to the artist: 
“I’m so sorry. We've had it before - when he’s drunk he just repeats what everyone else says...” 

At the end of a viola recital there was very lukewarm applause. But the violist, perhaps unaccustomed to any applause, quickly sparked up. “Ah, would you like an encore?” To which an old man sitting at the back of the hall chirped in, in a loud voice: 
“Yeah, play a little bit more if you like – it’s still raining outside!”


----------



## Lunasong

My drummer helped me
Count the syllables in this
Haiku

A client enters a shop and says,“It’s the first time that I've ever seen a shop specializing jointly in string instruments and arms.” 
“Ah, we've just got accustomed to the fact that it’s quite often that someone buys a viola, and then just a few days later a neighbor comes in and buys a pistol!” 

"Today," said the professor, "I will be lecturing about the liver and spleen."
Up in the gallery, one med student leaned toward the other, "If there's one thing I can't stand, it's an organ recital!"


----------



## mstar

^^^^ Hehe I love the last one....


----------



## DrKilroy

In New York City, an out of work jazz drummer named Ed was thinking of throwing himself off a bridge. But then he ran into a former booking agent who told him about the fantastic opportunities for drummers in Iraq. The agent said "If you can find your way over there, just take my card and look up the bandleader named Faisal--he's the large guy with the beard wearing gold pajamas and shoes that curl up at the toes." Ed hit up everyone he knew and borrowed enough to buy transport to Iraq. It took several days to arrange for passport, visas, transportation into Iraq and the shipping of his equipment, but he was finally on his way.

Ed arrived in Baghdad and immediately started searching for Faisal. He found guys in pajamas of every color but gold. Finally, in a small coffeehouse, he saw a huge man with a beard--wearing gold pajamas and shoes that curled up at the toes! Ed approached him and asked if he was Faisal. He was. Ed gave him the agent's card and Faisal's face brightened into a huge smile.

"You're just in time--I need you for a gig tonight. Meet me at the market near the mosque at 7:30 with your equipment."

"But," gasped Ed, "what about a rehearsal?"

"No time--don't worry." And with that, Faisal disappeared.

Ed arrived in the market at 7:00 to set up his gear. He introduced himself to the other musicians, who were all playing instruments he had never seen in his life. At 7:30 sharp, Faisal appeared and hopped on the bandstand, his gold pajamas glittering in the twilight. Without a word to the musicians, he lifted his arm for the downbeat.

"Wait." shouted Ed. "What are we playing?"

Faisal shot him a look of frustration and shouted back, "Fake it! Just give me heavy afterbeats on 7 and 13." 




The question is... Could someone explain it to me?  

Best regards, Dr


----------



## mstar

^^^ I don't really know, might be political, might not, might be a musical reference to a specific work or composer.


----------



## Klavierspieler

In many musical traditions, accompaniments are often improvised. Faisal expected Ed to know "the rules" of improvised accompaniment in Iraqi music.


----------



## DrKilroy

Ahhh, I see... Thanks. 

Best regards, Dr


----------



## Guest

I picked this one up on Facebook today. If it has already been posted here somewhere I apologize.


C, E-flat, and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished, and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. D comes in and heads for the bathroom, saying, "Excuse me; I'll just be a second." Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight." E-flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "You're looking sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be a major development." Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural. Eventually C sobers up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of D.S. without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.


----------



## Lunasong




----------



## Lunasong

Milwaukee, WI has a strip club called "Art's Performing Center" located adjacent to their Performing Arts Center.


----------



## ahammel

_Wellington's Victory_ strictly prohibited.


----------



## superhorn

A famous pianist comes to a big city to play a concerto with their symphony orchestra . The orchestra's official 
piano tuner is called Mr. Oppernockity . Some time after having tuned the piano for the concerto, the pianist 
decides that it needs more work .
But Mr. Oppernockity refuses to do so . Puzzled as well as upset, the pianist aks "Why can't you work on it more ?"
He replies "Oppernockity tunes but once !." 



Groan !!!!!!!


----------



## Forte

How do you imitate a virtuoso tuba player?

Have extremely skilled farting capabilities.


----------



## Lunasong

Viola players are those people who spend half their time trying to tune their instrument, and the other half playing it out of tune...

Q) How can you tell when a violist is playing out of tune? 
A) If you see the bow is moving!

The difference between the relative tuning of a violinist and a violist: whilst the first is a constant search for perfect exactness, the other is only a heroic attempt.

In a symphony orchestra rehearsal the principal conductor looked at a difficult passage, and decided to hear the viola section alone. The conductor, a man with great aural perception, then said “I’m sorry, you, yes you, the 7th viola, that F is too sharp”. The violist responded, “But yesterday, I played it more or less the same, and it was alright!”

A conductor to a viola section during a rehearsal:
"We cannot expect you to be with us all the time, but perhaps you could be good enough to keep in touch now and again."

Two men are walking late at night in the street, and the conversation goes: 
“What does your wife say when you arrive so late at home?” 
“Well, … I am a viola player” 
“Ah, I understand … ”


----------



## Lunasong

*Reading between the lines Reference for a Violist:*

_To whom it may concern: _

1 Bob Smith, my assistant viola, can always be found 
2 hard at work at his desk. He works independently, without 
3 wasting orchestral time talking to colleagues. Bob never 
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow musicians, and always 
5 finishes learning repertoire on time. Often he takes extended 
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee 
7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no 
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound 
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be 
10 classed as a fine employee, the type which cannot be 
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be 
12 promoted to principal viola, and that the proposal will be 
13 executed as soon as possible.

_Appendix:_

Dear Sirs,
That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the letter sent to you earlier today. I didn't like to tell him the bitter truth to his face, so … kindly reread again, this time reading only the odd numbered lines for a more correct reference.

_B.G. Jones - Orchestral Manager _

Smallville Symphony Orchestra


----------



## Taggart

*How many Baroque musicians does it take to change a light bulb?*

Nicked from a facebook post on a Baroque violinist's page:

*How many Baroque musicians does it take to change a light bulb?*


*None*. The historically-informed response would be to replace the light bulb with an equivalent number of tallow candles.

*Only one*, but he must wait for several decades of historical research on period-correct illumination techniques in old castles in Europe culminating in the publication of several doctoral theses by up-and-coming musicologists.

*Only one*, but she must consult with several experts on the proper method of holding the light bulb, overhand or underhand, and spend many hours practicing the proper twisting technique of the wrist, lest the operation come off looking like a contemporary light bulb-replacement and not a historically-informed one.

*About five-hundred*, while they hold an international summer festival on Baroque and Rococo illumination and lighting design, together with seminars, the presentation of scholarly papers, various chamber concerts featuring period lighting, and dance classes.

*Only one*, but he will forever be shunned from the early music community if he replaces it with a modern compact florescent bulb rather than the traditional and far-less-energy-efficient tungsten filament bulb.

* Two*: One to screw in the light bulb, but first, another one to restore the burned-out light bulb to its original configuration by steaming open the glass globe, recalibrating it to resonate at a slightly lower voltage, reducing the angle of the fluting, lowering the bridge, installing a sheep-gut filament, re-sealing it with hide glue, and removing the chinrest - wait, was I talking about a light bulb?

These jokes are entirely original with me, Wheat Williams, but let me say thanks to Kelsey Andrew Schilling for the inspiration.
Be Sociable, Share!


----------



## Lunasong

I got these excellent jokes off a kids' joke page:

Q: Why did the music students get into trouble?
A: They were passing notes.

Q: Which extraterrestrials like to play the trumpet?
A: A MARTIAN band!!!

Q: What kind of instrument do you wear on your feet?
A: Socksaphones.

Q: What do you call it when a violin player runs away?
A: Fiddler on the hoof.

Q: Where did the composer write music?
A: In a notebook.

Q: What instruments do trees play?
A: Woodwinds.

Music Teacher: Why did you put that vegetable on the piano?
Pupil: You told me my playing would improve if I had a beet.

Q: How do you repair an orchestra?
A: With a Band Aid.

Q: What do musicians have on their beds?
A: Sheet music.

Q: What is the difference between a composer and a letter carrier?
A: One writes notes and the other delivers them.

Q: If a band plays music in a thunderstorm, who is most likely to get hit by lightning?
A: The conductor.

Q: Why did the orchestra have bad manners?
A: Because it didn’t know how to conduct itself.

Q: Why did the kid put his head on the piano?
A: Because he wanted to play by ear.

Q: Why doesn’t the piano work?
A: Because it only knows how to play.

Q: What kind of music does a ghost play?
A: Haunting melodies.

Q: Why are pianos so noble?
A: Many are upright and the rest are grand.

Q: What musical instrument does a skeleton play?
A: The trombone.

Q: What has eight feet and can sing?
A: A barbershop quartet.


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## Lunasong




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## Lunasong

Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged​
•	Schizophrenia -- Do You Hear What I Hear?
•	Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are
•	Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas
•	Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
•	Manic -- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and trees and Fire Hydrants and......
•	Paranoid --- Santa Claus Is Coming to Get Me
•	Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
•	Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
•	Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ---Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells.


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## TurnaboutVox

Lunasong said:


> Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged​
> •	Schizophrenia -- Do You Hear What I Hear?
> •	Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are
> •	Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas
> •	Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
> •	Manic -- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and trees and Fire Hydrants and......
> •	Paranoid --- Santa Claus Is Coming to Get Me
> •	Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
> •	Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
> •	Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ---Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells.


I could probably get thrown out of the ************s' Guild if I 'liked' this!


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## Lunasong

Q: What's the difference between a flute and its player? 
A: The flute usually has its head on straight.

Q: What do you get when you place a piccolo on a clock?
A: One flute over the cuckoo's nest.

Q:What kind of flute players can fly? 
A:The ones who are numbered F15 F16 F17 (this is a marching band joke)

When someone calls you a flutist, correct them and say you are a "flautist". Then when they call you a flautist, say the correct term is "flutist". Keep this up with the same person for a year.

You know you've been playing flute too long when: 
You tongue while whistling. 
You hold pens upright on your knee. 
You think of a tin whistle as an accessory. 
You know all the differences between flutes and piccolos besides the size. 
You can play four different Bbs. 
Your biggest accomplishment of the day is getting all the spit off the top of the inside of the head joint (who am I kidding? A real flute player never cleans the inside of their flute!). 
You've had more than one flute. 
You've had a piccolo stuck to your tongue (Finger low D on a piccolo, cover the hole with your pinkie, then suck all the air out. Take all your fingers off except your pinkie....the keys stay down! (Well, now you're stuck with a piccolo attached to your tongue--press the Ab key to open the vacuum).


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## Huilunsoittaja

Lunasong said:


> Q: What's the difference between a flute and its player?
> A: The flute usually has its head on straight.
> 
> Q: What do you get when you place a piccolo on a clock?
> A: One flute over the cuckoo's nest.
> 
> Q:What kind of flute players can fly?
> A:The ones who are numbered F15 F16 F17 (this is a marching band joke)
> 
> When someone calls you a flutist, correct them and say you are a "flautist". Then when they call you a flautist, say the correct term is "flutist". Keep this up with the same person for a year.
> 
> You know you've been playing flute too long when:
> You tongue while whistling.
> You hold pens upright on your knee.
> You think of a tin whistle as an accessory.
> You know all the differences between flutes and piccolos besides the size.
> You can play four different Bbs.
> Your biggest accomplishment of the day is getting all the spit off the top of the inside of the head joint (who am I kidding? A real flute player never cleans the inside of their flute!).
> You've had more than one flute.
> *You've had a piccolo stuck to your tongue (Finger low D on a piccolo, cover the hole with your pinkie, then suck all the air out. Take all your fingers off except your pinkie....the keys stay down! (Well, now you're stuck with a piccolo attached to your tongue--press the Ab key to open the vacuum).*


Wow, I never tried that. Maybe I will... :tiphat:


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## Lunasong




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## Lunasong

Huilunsoittaja said:


> Wow, I never tried that. Maybe I will... :tiphat:


You will. Tell us about it.


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## Guest

Taggart said:


> *How many Baroque musicians does it take to change a light bulb?*
> 
> 4. *About five-hundred*, while they hold an international summer festival on Baroque and Rococo illumination and lighting design, together with seminars, the presentation of scholarly papers, various chamber concerts featuring period lighting, and dance classes.


I volunteer to be in this group. It sounds like a lot more fun than just changing a light bulb! Don't forget all the socializing and pub hopping after work.


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## Lunasong

There are 3 types of musicians: Those that can count and those that can't.

How can anyone possibly play a Baroque violin without getting it fixed?

At the start of an evening's performance, most woodwind players are quietly moistening their reeds.
What a pity trumpet players don’t do the same with their mouthpieces...

Q) What's the best Christmas present ever?
A) A broken drum, you can't beat it!


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## hpowders

The Odd Couple: Tony Randall: "As Schumann, the clown prince of music used to say, 'I'll be Bach!!'"


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## Lunasong




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## Lunasong




----------



## Fortinbras Armstrong

Monty Python did a song, "Decomposing Composers"


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## Lunasong

*A Singer's Guide to Performance*

•	Wait for all applause - real, expected, or imagined! If you don't get an ovation, face front and repeat the last phrase louder. Failing this, clap for yourself.
•	Cultivate an attitude of hostility. Tension gets results - on stage and off
•	A good performance, like concrete, should be moulded quickly and then forever set.
•	Your first responsibility as a singer is to find your light.
•	Do not listen to your fellow singers on stage. It will only throw you. Do not look at them either - You may not like what you see.
•	Always be specific - point to what you're singing about.
•	If a phrase isn't working for you, change it.
•	Stage Managers are NOT singers - ignore them. Keep them alert by never arriving on time or signing in.
•	Never be afraid to ad-lib to get attention, especially if you feel the other singers aren't very entertaining.
•	Mistakes are never your fault.
•	Always find something to bitch about, no matter how small or seemingly insignificant. Your fellow singers will respect your professional attention to detail.
•	Never carry make-up - someone else will always have what you need. Never help understudies. (They secretly hate you and want your job)
•	Do help your fellow singers by giving them constructive criticism whenever you feel it necessary. Be sure to give that criticism immediately before they go on - it will be fresh in their minds that way.
•	Keep other singers on their toes by ridiculing their performances, and never let them know what you're going to do next
•	Play the reality - always be aware of the audience and whether you think they like the opera, and then gauge your performance accordingly. Why knock yourself out for ungrateful snobs?
•	Need to develop a character? Get a costume.
•	The only difference between an amateur and a pro is that the pro does exactly the same thing for money.


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## Lunasong

Q) What type of cheese is always out of tune?
A) Sharp Cheddar.

Q) What did the clarinet say to the oboe when it missed its entrance?
A) Oboe, you didn't!

Q) Why do drummers have lots of kids? 
A) They're not too good at the Rhythm Method.

Q) Who told the gorilla that he couldn't go to the ballet?
A) The people who are in charge of that decision.

A) What does a depressed trombone say?
B) "I wish I'd never been 'bone."


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## guy

How is lightning like a violist's fingers?
Neither one strikes in the same place twice.

How do you keep your violin from getting stolen?
Put it in a viola case.

What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
-The viola burns longer.
-The viola holds more beer.
-You can tune the violin.

We all know that a viola is better than a violin because it burns longer. But why does it burn longer?
It's usually still in the case.

How do you get a viola section to play spiccato?
Write a whole note with "solo" above it.

How do you get a violist to play a passage pianissimo tremolando?
Mark it "solo."

What's the difference between a viola and a coffin?
The coffin has the dead person on the inside.

What do you do with a dead violist?
Move him back a desk.

What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.

What's the difference between a viola and an onion?
No one cries when you cut up a viola.

What's the definition of a minor second?
Two violists playing in unison.

What's the definiton of "perfect pitch?"
Throwing a viola into a dumpster without hitting the rim.

Why do violists stand for long periods outside people's houses?
They can't find the key and they don't know when to come in.

What's the difference between a seamstress and a violist?
The seamstress tucks up the frills.

What's the difference between a washing machine and a violist?
Vibrato.

Why do so many people take an instant dislike to the viola?
It saves time.

How can you tell when a violist is playing out of tune?
The bow is moving.

How was the canon invented?
Two violists were trying to play the same passage together.

Why is playing the viola like peeing in your pants?
They both give you a nice warm feeling without making any sound.

Why is a viola solo like a bomb?
By the time you hear it, it's too late to do anything about it.

Why do violists leave their instrument cases on the dashboards of their cars?
-So they can park in "handicapped" parking places.
-If someone mistakes them for mafia, they might get some respect.

Why don't violists play hide and seek?
Because no one will look for them.

Why do violists smile when they play?
Because ignorance is bliss and what they don't know can't hurt them.

Why shouldn't violists take up mountaineering?
Because if they get lost, it takes ages before anyone notices that they're missing.

What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a crushed viola in the road?
Skid marks before the skunk.

How do you get a violin to sound like a viola?
-Sit in the back and don't play.
-Play in the low register with a lot of wrong notes.

If you throw a violist and a soprano off a cliff, which one would hit the ground first? (two answers)
-The violist. The soprano would have to stop halfway down to ask directions.
-Who cares?

A conductor and a violist are standing in the middle of the road. which one do you run over first, and why?
The conductor. Business before pleasure.

What's the most popular recording of the William Walton viola concerto?
Music Minus One

What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
Everyone is happy when the case is closed.

What is the range of a Viola?
As far as you can kick it.

What do a SCUD missile and a viola player have in common?
They're both offensive and inaccurate.

Why are violas so large?
It's an optical illusion. It's not that the violas are large; just that the viola players' heads are so small.

What's the difference between a chain saw and a viola?
If you absolutely had to, you could use a chain saw in a string quartet.

What is the definition of a cluster chord?
A viola section playing on the C string.

If you're lost in the desert, what do you aim for? A good viola player, a bad viola player or an oasis?
The bad viola player. The other two are only figments of your imagination.

Why shouldn't you drive off a cliff in a mini with three violas in it?
You could fit in at least one more.

How many violists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They're not small enough to fit.

Why do people tremble with fear when someone comes into a bank carrying a violin case?
-They think he's carrying a machine gun and might be about to use it.
Why do people tremble with fear when someone comes into a bank carrying a viola case?
-They think he's carrying a viola and might be about to use it.

What's the difference between the first and last desk of a viola section?
-half a measure
-a semi-tone

Why can't you hear a viola on a digital recording?
Recording technology has reached such an advanced level of development that all extraneous noise is eliminated.

Did you hear about the violist who bragged that he could play 32nd notes?
The rest of the orchestra didn't believe him, so he proved it by playing one.

Why is viola called "bratsche" in Germany?
Because that's the sound it makes when you sit down on it.

Why can't a violist play with a knife in his back?
Because he can't lean back in his chair.

What instrument do violists envy most?
The harp. You only ever have to play pizzicato on open strings.

What's another name for viola auditions?
Scratch lottery.

How do you get a dozen violists to play in tune?
-Shoot 11 of them.
-Shoot all of them.
-Who the hell wants a dozen violists?

What's the latest crime wave in New York City?
Drive-by viola recitals.

How does a violist's brain cell die?
Alone.

How do you call a violist with two brain cells?
Pregnant.

Why do violists have pea-sized brains?
Because alcohol has swelled them.

How many violists does it take to make a batch of chocolate chip cookies?
Ten. One to stir the batter and nine to peel the M & M's.

What's the similarity between the Beatles and the viola section of the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra?
Neither has played together since 1970. (Oh wait that implies they played together in the first place)

What is the longest viola joke?
Harold in Italy

What do you call a bunch of violists in a hot tub?
Vegetable soup.

Did you hear about the violist who played in tune?
Neither did I.

What is the main reqirement at the "International Viola Competition?"
Hold the viola from memory.

Why did the violist marry the accordion player?
Upward mobility.

How do you transcribe a violin piece for viola?
Divide the metronome marking by 2.

Why do you always bury a viola player three feet under?
Because deep down they are all very nice people.

How do you keep a violist from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.

Note: the following joke is very funny in German, but doesn't translate well into English. 
Was sind die drei Lagen auf der Bratsche?
Erste Lage, Notlage, und Niederlage.
(What are the three positions of the viola?
First position, emergency, and defeat.)

---------------------------------------

Once there was a violist playing in the Winnipeg Symphony. He wasn't that wonderful a player, so he sat at the back of the section. One day he was cleaning out his attic and discovered an old lamp. He gave it a rub and out popped a genie.

"For letting me out of my lamp I'll grant you three wishes!" he said.

The violist thought for a moment and replied, "Make me a far better musician than I am now."

The genie told him that this would be done. He was to go to sleep, and in the morning he would be a much better musician. The next day he woke up to find himself the principal violist of the Symphony. Well, this was just great, he thought! But he knew he could do better. He rubbed the lamp again, and out popped the genie.

"You have two more wishes!" he said.

"I want you to make me a better musician than I am even now!"

Once again, the genie told him to go to bed, and when he woke up it would be so. When the violist awoke, he found he was now the principal violist of the Berlin Philharmonic. Well, the violist thought this was pretty grand, but knew he could do better yet. He rubbed on the lamp again, and once more out came the genie.

"This is your last wish." the genie said.

"I want you to make me yet a better musician still!"

Yet again, he was told to go to sleep. The next morning, he woke up to find himself back in Winnipeg, sitting in the last desk of the second violin section.


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## Lunasong




----------



## Lunasong

Check out this imgur album for more great classical music cartoons by Quino. 


http://imgur.com/a


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## Lunasong

*Get comfortable, brass players.*

Ten years of intense, academic study, practising for six hours a day and lip-busting physical exertion in countless ensembles.
For this. 









_Orchestral brass playing: Bored to death; scared to death._


----------



## Lunasong

This broadcast on American network television so it must be OK...


----------



## Lunasong

A viola soloist was attending the first rehearsal of his forthcoming concerto appearance.
"OK, let's take the first movement through," called the conductor. 
When they got to the end the conductor gently said to the orchestral members, "Please have your pencils to hand - letter A - the viola entrance - mark '_meno mosso_'; next bar '_un poco accelerando_', next bar between 2nd and 3rd beats put in a long pause; next bar '_molto rubato_' at beginning of bar, next bar please ignore '_cantabile_' marking and write in '_pesante_.'"
The viola soloist, by now quite nervous, interrupted, "But … please, please maestro, I'm playing it all from memory--I'm never going to remember all this!"
"No of course, don't worry, dear chap; you just play it as you NORMALLY do..."

The conductor said to a late viola player at a rehearsal, "Thompson, you're late. You should have been here at seven thirty." 
Thompson: "Why maestro? What happened?"

Once upon a time there were two young violists, who had been boyfriend and girlfriend for quite some time. She picked up the courage to say, "Don't you agree it's about time we got married?" 
"Well yes," he replied, "but who would want us?"


----------



## stevederekson

Lunasong said:


> This broadcast on American network television so it must be OK...


Reminds me of this:


----------



## Kieran

Those viola jokes! :lol: :lol:

Why is there so many viola jokes? :lol:


----------



## Fortinbras Armstrong

Just as a change, here is a mathematical joke: What's purple and commutes? An Abelian grape.


----------



## Lunasong

That's so bad it reminded me of this:


----------



## hpowders

"Lang Lang?"

"Yes? Yes?"


----------



## Lunasong

Kieran said:


> Those viola jokes! :lol: :lol:
> 
> Why is there so many viola jokes? :lol:


OMG! That was explained on page 12 in this scholarly paper!
http://www.talkclassical.com/15068-most-incredibly-lame-classical-12.html#post378050

We don't list 30 pages of jokes without expecting you to read every single one.


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## Lunasong

Q) Why does Lang Lang close his eyes when he plays the piano?
A) So he can't see the agony of the audience.


----------



## hpowders

But even so he must have heard the dude in the front row go "Ouch! Ouch!"


----------



## Lunasong

Standing at 1,344 metres high (or 4,408 feet) Ben Nevis is the highest mountain in the British Isles. When a volunteer squad of litter collectors from the John Muir Trust decided to undertake a clean-up of Ben Nevis, they found a rather unusual piece of litter under a cairn at 4,000ft - the remains of a piano.

Nigel Hawkins, the trust's director, told _The Scotsman_ newspaper, "Our guys couldn't believe their eyes. At first they thought it was just the wooden casing - but then they saw the whole cast-iron frame complete with strings."

Last night the musical mystery may have been solved after Kenny Campbell, a veteran charity fundraiser, told _The Scotsman_ the 'piano' was probably an organ he carried to the top in 1971.

Mr Campbell recalled how he single-handedly carried the 226lb organ up Ben Nevis and then played _Scotland the Brave_ on it. The feat earned him a place in the Guinness Book of Records. This story was verified by a telephone caller to the BBC Radio 5 Drive programme who told Peter Allen that he had seen the climber in 1971 with the piano and had photographed him.

The same year, he had pushed a piano to 1,000ft before it dragged him over a ledge. Mr Campbell, from Bonar Bridge in Sutherland, has also carried a plough, a gas cylinder and a barrel of beer to the summit to raise hundreds of thousands of pounds for charities. He is planning a new stunt for his 65th birthday this year.


----------



## Taggart

Lunasong said:


> OMG! That was explained on page 12 in this scholarly paper!
> http://www.talkclassical.com/15068-most-incredibly-lame-classical-12.html#post378050
> 
> We don't list 30 pages of jokes without expecting you to read every single one.


Drat. Having read that, shouldn't we have a large type option for viola jokes to help violists follow them?


----------



## KenOC

Is this the right time for the world's most offensive viola joke?


----------



## hpowders

I'm surprised I haven't seen more bassoon jokes.


----------



## Taggart

KenOC said:


> Is this the right time for the world's most offensive viola joke?


There are *no *_offensive_ viola jokes - violists can't understand them and everybody else knows that the viola *is *a joke!


----------



## Fortinbras Armstrong

KenOC said:


> Is this the right time for the world's most offensive viola joke?


There is never a right time for the world's most offensive viola joke.


----------



## Ingélou

I think violists enjoy the jokes as much as the next one, don't they? Violadude is okay with them, and my fiddle teacher, who played viola last year with the English Touring Opera, posted quite a rude one on his own Facebook page...


----------



## hpowders

There's a piece by Weber, "Hungarian Rondo for Bassoon and Orchestra" which never fails to crack me up when the bassoon comes in for a solo. Not sure if this was Carl Maria's intention.


----------



## Lunasong

When I started playing the bassoon, I started getting these really strange comments from people. My dad said it looked like a plumber had gotten drunk, because there's all this tubing and keys.

The bassoon looks like someone turned a bong into a saxophone.

for the bronies...


----------



## stevederekson

Lunasong said:


> When I started playing the bassoon, I started getting these really strange comments from people. My dad said it looked like a plumber had gotten drunk, because there's all this tubing and keys.
> 
> The bassoon looks like someone turned a bong into a saxophone.
> 
> for the bronies...


If the bassoon can do this (55:48), then it has my full-blown support and admiration:


----------



## DrKilroy

Best regards, Dr


----------



## superhorn

What's the difference between a fish and a piano ? You can't tuna fish !


----------



## hpowders

,,^^^^^corny!!!!


----------



## Lunasong




----------



## hpowders

Heh! Heh!..........


----------



## Lunasong

Now need syrup.


----------



## hpowders

Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! I had to do 4 of them otherwise message is too short.


----------



## science

Taggart said:


> Nicked from a facebook post on a Baroque violinist's page:
> 
> *How many Baroque musicians does it take to change a light bulb?*
> 
> 
> *None*. The historically-informed response would be to replace the light bulb with an equivalent number of tallow candles.
> 
> *Only one*, but he must wait for several decades of historical research on period-correct illumination techniques in old castles in Europe culminating in the publication of several doctoral theses by up-and-coming musicologists.
> 
> *Only one*, but she must consult with several experts on the proper method of holding the light bulb, overhand or underhand, and spend many hours practicing the proper twisting technique of the wrist, lest the operation come off looking like a contemporary light bulb-replacement and not a historically-informed one.
> 
> *About five-hundred*, while they hold an international summer festival on Baroque and Rococo illumination and lighting design, together with seminars, the presentation of scholarly papers, various chamber concerts featuring period lighting, and dance classes.
> 
> *Only one*, but he will forever be shunned from the early music community if he replaces it with a modern compact florescent bulb rather than the traditional and far-less-energy-efficient tungsten filament bulb.
> 
> * Two*: One to screw in the light bulb, but first, another one to restore the burned-out light bulb to its original configuration by steaming open the glass globe, recalibrating it to resonate at a slightly lower voltage, reducing the angle of the fluting, lowering the bridge, installing a sheep-gut filament, re-sealing it with hide glue, and removing the chinrest - wait, was I talking about a light bulb?
> 
> These jokes are entirely original with me, Wheat Williams, but let me say thanks to Kelsey Andrew Schilling for the inspiration.
> Be Sociable, Share!


That was very good.


----------



## Marschallin Blair

Polednice said:


> John Cage.
> 
> TROLOLOLOL.


I'm DY-ING. . . Ahhhhhhhh. . Uh. . God damn!. . Uncontrollabe paroxysms of giggles-- my kind of humor all the way. Cheers.


----------



## Lunasong

Three musical instruments are sitting in a bar and, after a few drinks, they begin boasting.

"I don't want to brag," says the first, "but I'm a drum. And drums, as I'm sure you know, were the first instruments in the history of the world, used not only for music but also for long range communication and even to motivate soldiers in a time of war. Just about every style of music uses drums of some sort -- hell, there probably wouldn't even be music it if wasn't for us."

"Drums are great, if you only want to play one note," the second instrument cuts in. "But as piano, I have 88 keys to choose from. Most of the great classical music was written with me in mind, and even today my cousin, the keyboard, is central to the creation of modern music."

"Don't talk to me about modern music," scoffs the third instrument. "I'm a guitar, and while you old-timers may have been big in your day, it's the 21st century now. And it's guitars like me that have made rock & roll the most popular music in the world today."

The second instrument sizes up the third skeptically, and then says, "What are you talking about? You're not a guitar; you're nothing but a small harp."

And the third instrument leaps off of his stool and shouts, "Are you calling me a lyre?!"


----------



## Lunasong




----------



## millionrainbows

Sung to the tune of "At the Cross:"

At the bar, at the bar
Where I smoked my first cigar
And the nickles and the dimes rolled away
It was there by chance that I tore my Sunday pants
And now I have to wear my everyday.


----------



## Lunasong




----------



## Donata




----------



## Taggart

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>


----------



## Lunasong

Excerpted from an article about how all orchestral players fake at some time, published in _The Strad._

*TEN POINTS FOR FAKERS*
[1] Posture is key. There are two possibilities here: either the 'completely committed' forward lean, teeth gritted; or else the 'this-is-no-problem-for-superstars-like-me' upright pose, along with the slightly superior smile.

[2] Never allow your bow to move in the opposite direction from those of your fellow serfs, even at the cost of missing notes you might otherwise have collared - otherwise it will still (oh horror!) look wrong, which is (God knows why) a much more wicked sin than actually being wrong.

[3] When faking shifts it is important to be located in a plausible position on the fingerboard. Many a reasonably accomplished faker has been undone by failing to swoop upwards (or zip downwards) with adequate speed.

[4] If you manage to miss a shift entirely, vibrate your way back to spotless virtue, while taking almost all the edge off the bow.

[5] In faking passagework, the shape of the run is crucial. Really good fakers (not to mention really good players) are often clocking six or even twelve notes in advance of encountering them.

[6] Aim for the first of every grouping (triplets, quavers, and so on). It's amazing how often the fiddly notes in between will find themselves if you give them a sporting chance.

[7] If you find yourself in desperate straits, don't neglect the marvellously effective technique of flashy bows actually OVER the fingerboard. The upshot: lots of seeming conviction resulting in - er - a vague whistling sound.

[8] Never be psyched out into faking something you can actually play simply because everyone around you is faking.

[9] Never catch your conductor's eye while faking. He (or she) knows that what you're playing is tricky (otherwise why are you faking it? And otherwise why is he looking?) yet even the dimmest conductor will find it hard to believe that you've actually memorised it.

[10]If there is a section that you must fake, then settle yourself as if for a minor concerto. Test your bow hair, check your tuning, adopt an expression of existential resolve and FAKE. Fake with power, fake with panache, fake as if every note you hit (or don't hit) is a personal victory over fate.And after your episode of fakery (which one trusts is an episode rather than a habitual occurrence), smile in congratulatory vein at your desk partner as if to say, 'Hey! We made it!'; and blow rosin off your bow, as one who has fought the good fight and is feeling quite reasonably chuffed about it.

*MOST COMMONLY FAKED WORKS, CITED BY VETERAN ORCHESTRAL PLAYERS:*

*Barber Violin Concerto (last movement)*
'The only piece I ever played that seems to get worse and worse the more I practise it!'

*Gershwin An American in Paris (end)*
'There is a viola passage of octave triplets, the lower note of the octave first, the upper note second, and the lower note again for the third... No way will my bow arm work that fast!'

*Hindemith Mathis der Maler*
'One of those pieces that, when you see it on the schedule, the heart just sinks'

*Mahler Symphonies nos.7 & 9*
'I put my recurrent shoulder pains down to practising Mahler's Seventh'

*Piston Symphony no.4*
'Displays a really lamentable disregard for the eternal verities of exactly how string playing works'

*Richard Strauss Don Juan and other pieces*
'As hard to play as most solo concertos - in context, harder!'

*Stravinsky The Rite of Spring*
'Love to hear it - hate to play it'

*Wagner ('Magic Fire Music' in Die Walküre especially)*
'Sadistic violin writing'

*John Williams Superman, Star Wars*
'Lies appallingly badly for strings'


----------



## Donata

I think this fits.







]


----------



## hpowders

Heh! Heh! An oldie but goodie!


----------



## Taggart

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>


----------



## Rhythm




----------



## Rhythm




----------



## Guest

Taggart said:


> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>


Inspector Taggart! I am reminded of that Spinal Tap spoof documentary. I cannot give the quote here for fear of a ban. Something to do with 'purple-headed' ... _items_.


----------



## Rhythm




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## hpowders

^^^^^^^Corny!!!!


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## Rhythm




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## Rhythm




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## Lunasong




----------



## hpowders

Sad but true.....


----------



## musicrom

Don't know if this was already posted, but I just found this on Google Images, and as a violist, found it funny:


----------



## hpowders

The old pavane joke. Everybody's favorite.


----------



## Lunasong

musicrom said:


> Don't know if this was already posted, but I just found this on Google Images, and as a violist, found it funny:


As A viola player we know you are slow, but we do warn you that we expect you to look through all 33 pages of jokes, including the multitude of viola jokes, before posting :lol: This was posted way back on page 10.

*Conductors' Motivational Words​*​•	"Please don't use the depth-charge pizzicato."
•	"Pianissimo doesn't mean 'Drop the f*** out.'"
•	"Listen to the tune, and then accompany it in a non-disgraceful fashion."
•	"Let's see if you can pizzicato together in a non-banjo-like way."
•	"It's very hard to raise money for something that sounds like this does."
•	"You know, there's a fine line between artistry and s***. Not that what you're doing is s***, but it's close to it"
•	"Imagine you're getting enough money for what you do."
•	"Not so bright. It sounds like 'Orpheus in His Underwear.'"
•	"Play short, especially if you don't know where you are."
•	"That was a drive-by viola solo."
•	"Horns, imagine that you've had a really ugly breakfast and it's about to come up."
•	"There is a lot of fishing for notes. I wish you would catch some."
•	"Strings, I know what you're thinking: 'With all this racket going on, why am I playing?' Well, sorry, there's no time for existential questions right now."
•	"The place where you will be shot if you come in early is the bar before 26."
•	"You're all wondering what speed it's going to go. Well, so am I."
•	"Play as if you were musicians."


----------



## Lunasong




----------



## Rhythm




----------



## Rhythm




----------



## Rhythm




----------



## hpowders

Lunasong said:


>


As in the Geico TV commercial, "everybody knows that."


----------



## DrKilroy

Best regards, Dr


----------



## Rhythm




----------



## aimee




----------



## Rhythm




----------



## aimee




----------



## Rhythm




----------



## Lunasong

*Mahler's Amazing Score Markings*

*German*English​*Langsam* Slowly​*Schleppend*Slowly​*Daempfer auf*Slowly​*Mit Daempfer*Slowly​*Allmahlich in das Hauptzeitmass ubergehen *do not look at the conductor​*Im Anfang sehr gemaechlich* in intense inner torment​*Alle Betonungen sehr zart* with more intense inner torment​*Getheilt (geth.)*out of tune​*Von hier an in sehr allmaehlicher aber stetiger Steigerung bis zum Zeichen*From this point on, the spit valves should be emptied with ever increasing emotion​*Hier ist ein frisches belebtes Zeitmass eingetreten*Slowly​*Haupttempo*Slowly​*Noch ein wenig beschleunigend*slowing down but with a sense of speeding up​*immer noch zurueckhaltend*with steadily decreasing competence​*sehr gemaechlich*with indescribably horrific inner torment​*Etwas bewegter, aber immer noch sehr ruhig*Somewhat louder, though still inaudible as before​*Alle Betonungen sehr zart*with smallish quantities of fairly mild inner torment​*Gemaechlich*Intermission​*Ganz unmerklich etwas zurueckhaltend*Slowly​*Etwas gemaechlicher als zuvor*Slowly​*Zurueckhaltend*Gesundheit​*Von hier ab unmerklich breiter werden*as if wild animals were gnawing on your liver​*Ohne cresc.*without toothpaste​*immer noch etwas zurueckhaltend*Slowly​vorwaerts draengendSlowly​*Hauptzeitmass*Slowly​*Allmaehlich etwas lebhafter*screaming in agony​*Ohne Nachschl(age)*without milk (sugar)​*Kraeftig bewegt*Slowly​*Alle*[ indent]second violins tacet[/indent]
*mit dem Holze zu streichen*like a hole in the head​*mit Parodie*viola solo​*sehr einfach und schlicht, wie eine Volksweise*Slowly​*daempfer ab*eyes closed​*ploetzlich viel schneller*even more ploddingly​*Den ersten Ton scharf herausgehoben*Do not play until the buzzer sounds​*Am Griffbrett*as if in tune​*aeusserst zart, aber ausdrucksvoll.*radiantly joyful, despite the itching​*wieder zurueckhaltend*increasingly decreasing​*noch breiter als vorher*better late than never​*Nicht eilen*no eels​*Allmaehlich (unmerklich) etwas zurueckhaltend*much faster (slower) than conductor​*Lang gestrichen*heads up​*Lang gezogen*heads back down​*Die werden allmaehlich staerker und staerker bis zum (fp)*In the event of a water landing, your seat cushion may be used as a flotation device​*Am Steg*Slowly​


----------



## guy

superhorn said:


> Have you heard about the copetition for avant-garde composers ? It's caled the World Twelve-Tone Series .


PDQ Bach? Awesome.


----------



## hpowders

Lunasong said:


> *Mahler's Amazing Score Markings*
> 
> *German*English​*Langsam* Slowly​*Schleppend*Slowly​*Daempfer auf*Slowly​*Mit Daempfer*Slowly​*Allmahlich in das Hauptzeitmass ubergehen *do not look at the conductor​*Im Anfang sehr gemaechlich* in intense inner torment​*Alle Betonungen sehr zart* with more intense inner torment​*Getheilt (geth.)*out of tune​*Von hier an in sehr allmaehlicher aber stetiger Steigerung bis zum Zeichen*From this point on, the spit valves should be emptied with ever increasing emotion​*Hier ist ein frisches belebtes Zeitmass eingetreten*Slowly​*Haupttempo*Slowly​*Noch ein wenig beschleunigend*slowing down but with a sense of speeding up​*immer noch zurueckhaltend*with steadily decreasing competence​*sehr gemaechlich*with indescribably horrific inner torment​*Etwas bewegter, aber immer noch sehr ruhig*Somewhat louder, though still inaudible as before​*Alle Betonungen sehr zart*with smallish quantities of fairly mild inner torment​*Gemaechlich*Intermission​*Ganz unmerklich etwas zurueckhaltend*Slowly​*Etwas gemaechlicher als zuvor*Slowly​*Zurueckhaltend*Gesundheit​*Von hier ab unmerklich breiter werden*as if wild animals were gnawing on your liver​*Ohne cresc.*without toothpaste​*immer noch etwas zurueckhaltend*Slowly​vorwaerts draengendSlowly​*Hauptzeitmass*Slowly​*Allmaehlich etwas lebhafter*screaming in agony​*Ohne Nachschl(age)*without milk (sugar)​*Kraeftig bewegt*Slowly​*Alle*[ indent]second violins tacet[/indent]
> *mit dem Holze zu streichen*like a hole in the head​*mit Parodie*viola solo​*sehr einfach und schlicht, wie eine Volksweise*Slowly​*daempfer ab*eyes closed​*ploetzlich viel schneller*even more ploddingly​*Den ersten Ton scharf herausgehoben*Do not play until the buzzer sounds​*Am Griffbrett*as if in tune​*aeusserst zart, aber ausdrucksvoll.*radiantly joyful, despite the itching​*wieder zurueckhaltend*increasingly decreasing​*noch breiter als vorher*better late than never​*Nicht eilen*no eels​*Allmaehlich (unmerklich) etwas zurueckhaltend*much faster (slower) than conductor​*Lang gestrichen*heads up​*Lang gezogen*heads back down​*Die werden allmaehlich staerker und staerker bis zum (fp)*In the event of a water landing, your seat cushion may be used as a flotation device​*Am Steg*Slowly​


How many times do I have to tell Gustav to keep it pithy!!!


----------



## Lunasong

A great conductor, after a lifetime of decadence and debauchery, dies and goes to the Bad Place. When he arrives he is treated well and sits down to dinner with the Devil, who is, by all accounts, a gracious host. After dinner, the Devil shows him his room. Inside are 1,001 musicians, each playing a harp. 
The conductor looks at his host and says, "Wait, I'm in Hell; I thought they played harps in heaven."
The Devil smiles and replies, "Ah yes, but Maestro, we've also given you perfect pitch."

A pianist and a singer are rehearsing a work in 7/8 time. The pianist starts, and the singer comes in. They fall apart after about two measures. They try again, same result. They go very slowly, same result. Exasperated, the pianist asks the singer to count 7/8 time.
Singer says: "One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Se, Ven"


----------



## superhorn

A wag once observed that "the only written instruction you don't find in the score of a Mahler
symphony is "No smoking ".





:lol: :lol: :lol:


----------



## aimee




----------



## Rhythm




----------



## jtbell

Did you hear about the orchestra that was denied permission to march in the St. Patrick's Day parade? The parade's organizers didn't want to incite violins in the streets.


----------



## aimee




----------



## Fortinbras Armstrong

Leonard Cohen wrote a song, "Hallelujah", that has plenty of rhymes for it. Here is K.D. Lang doing my favorite cover of it:


----------



## Jonathan Wrachford

What did the Italian say when his foot got caught in a mud hole?
STACCATO!


----------



## Jonathan Wrachford

What did the composer say when asked why he refused to play his own tuba solo concerto?

I just didn't want to toot my own horn!


----------



## Lunasong

Q) What did one guitarist say to the other?
A) We've really got to guitar act together.

Q) What did the guitar say to the guitarist?
A) Pick on someone your own size!

Q) What did the guitar say to the guitarist?
A) You strike a chord with me!


----------



## Rhythm




----------



## aimee




----------



## Lunasong

I read with interest this post from dgee about accordion concerti.
http://www.talkclassical.com/30869-concertos-rare-instruments.html#post617094
because it allows me to post these.



















Q. The song most requested of accordionists?
A. Can you play Far, Far Away.

Q. What do a true music lover and an accordionist have in common? 
A. Absolutely nothing.

Q. What's an accordion good for?
A. Learning how to fold a map.

Q. Why do accordionists make good politicians? 
A. They are used to playing both ends off against the middle.

Q. What is the best thing to play on an accordion ? 
A. A flame thrower.

Q. What do you get when you toss an accordion off a tall building? 
A. Applause.

An accordion is a bagpipe with pleats.

*How To Play the Accordion*

1. Get an accordion. The cheaper the better because they all sound the same. Do not tell anyone what you have done - it will only cause them to worry. They will find out soon enough.

2. Take the accordion out of the case and strap it on. It is better if the accordion rests on your chest instead of your back but, for the first few weeks, it doesn't really make that much difference.

3. For sounds to be produced, three things must happen: The bellows must be moving in or out. One or more of the keys or buttons must be pressed. All potential weapons within a one mile radius must be collected and secured. The third is the most important.

4. The buttons on the left side are chord buttons. The "C" button has a dimple or nipple so you can find it without looking. (This is a safety feature. Before it was invented, thousands of accordionists suffered painful and sometimes disabling injuries - much to the delight of the general public). Never use more than three buttons. "Professional" accordionists appear to be using lots of buttons but they are actually just desperately trying to find the damned "C". "Professional" means they have learned to smile while they do it.

5. Play the black and white keys. The high notes are at the bottom and the low notes are at the top. (That arrangement isn't supposed to make any sense. Accept it.) Note: If you find the high notes at the top and the low notes at the bottom, you have either put the accordion on upside down or you have tried to repair it yourself. If the former, turn the accordion over. If the latter, pack your accordion up with thousands and thousands of dollars and mail it far away for a long, long time.

6. Continue playing until someone begs you to stop or threatens your life, whichever comes first.

7. Put the accordion back in its case.

8. Order an accordion tee-shirt and wear it to the Mall.


----------



## aimee




----------



## hpowders

Looks just like him too! :lol:


----------



## aimee




----------



## science

Lunasong said:


> I read with interest this post from dgee about accordion concerti.
> http://www.talkclassical.com/30869-concertos-rare-instruments.html#post617094
> because it allows me to post these.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Q. The song most requested of accordionists?
> A. Can you play Far, Far Away.
> 
> Q. What do a true music lover and an accordionist have in common?
> A. Absolutely nothing.
> 
> Q. What's an accordion good for?
> A. Learning how to fold a map.
> 
> Q. Why do accordionists make good politicians?
> A. They are used to playing both ends off against the middle.
> 
> Q. What is the best thing to play on an accordion ?
> A. A flame thrower.
> 
> Q. What do you get when you toss an accordion off a tall building?
> A. Applause.
> 
> An accordion is a bagpipe with pleats.
> 
> *How To Play the Accordion*
> 
> 1. Get an accordion. The cheaper the better because they all sound the same. Do not tell anyone what you have done - it will only cause them to worry. They will find out soon enough.
> 
> 2. Take the accordion out of the case and strap it on. It is better if the accordion rests on your chest instead of your back but, for the first few weeks, it doesn't really make that much difference.
> 
> 3. For sounds to be produced, three things must happen: The bellows must be moving in or out. One or more of the keys or buttons must be pressed. All potential weapons within a one mile radius must be collected and secured. The third is the most important.
> 
> 4. The buttons on the left side are chord buttons. The "C" button has a dimple or nipple so you can find it without looking. (This is a safety feature. Before it was invented, thousands of accordionists suffered painful and sometimes disabling injuries - much to the delight of the general public). Never use more than three buttons. "Professional" accordionists appear to be using lots of buttons but they are actually just desperately trying to find the damned "C". "Professional" means they have learned to smile while they do it.
> 
> 5. Play the black and white keys. The high notes are at the bottom and the low notes are at the top. (That arrangement isn't supposed to make any sense. Accept it.) Note: If you find the high notes at the top and the low notes at the bottom, you have either put the accordion on upside down or you have tried to repair it yourself. If the former, turn the accordion over. If the latter, pack your accordion up with thousands and thousands of dollars and mail it far away for a long, long time.
> 
> 6. Continue playing until someone begs you to stop or threatens your life, whichever comes first.
> 
> 7. Put the accordion back in its case.
> 
> 8. Order an accordion tee-shirt and wear it to the Mall.


In all seriousness, what would go wrong if a person (maybe a southpaw) turned the accordion upside-down and played it?


----------



## aimee




----------



## hocket

One of the things I dread whenever I visit this forum is when someone notices that Heinrich Biber and Justin Bieber have similar surnames and, bizarrely imagining that they are the first person ever to have noticed this, invariably some hilarious pun ensues.

Oh well, musn't grumble.


----------



## aimee

on the subject of overexaggeration...


----------



## aimee




----------



## Donata

Which composer married his high school sweetheart?
Gustav -- he married his Alma Mahler.

A violist is sitting in the front row, crying hysterically. The conductor askes the violist, "What's wrong?" The violist answers, "The second oboe loosened one of my tuning pegs." The conductor replied, "I admit, that seems a little childish, but nothing to get so upset about. Why are you crying?" To which the violist replied, "He won't tell me which one!!"

What's the difference between a musician and a large pizza?
A large pizza can feed a family of four.


----------



## KenOC

An oldie: A violist was hiking in the mountains when he came upon a shepherd and his dog tending a large herd of sheep grazing in an alpine meadow. The violist took a fancy to the sheep and asked the shepherd: "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I have one?"

The shepherd thought this was an odd request, but he figured there was little chance that the man would guess the exact number of sheep, so he said "Sure."

The violist immediately said "You have 287 sheep," to the shepherd's astonishment, since this was exactly how many sheep he had.

The violist excitedly asked "Can I pick out my sheep now?" and the shepherd grudgingly assented. The violist selected his animal and swung it over his shoulders to carry it home with him. He started to stroll away.

The shepherd called after him, "If I guess what your occupation is, can I have my sheep back?" The violist was a bit surprised by this, but figured that it was unlikely that the shepherd would be able to guess his occupation and went along with the deal. The shepherd then said "You're a violist, aren't you?"

The violist was very surprised and asked, "How did you know?"

The shepherd replied, "Put down the dog and we'll talk about it."


----------



## Jonathan Wrachford

Q: Why was the musician arrested? 
A: He was in treble


----------



## Jonathan Wrachford

Q: What’s the definition of perfect pitch? 
A: When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.


----------



## Jonathan Wrachford

Q: How do you keep your violin from being stolen? 
A: Put it in a viola case.


----------



## Jonathan Wrachford

Q: Why are violist's fingers like lightning? 
A: They rarely strike the same spot twice.


----------



## Jonathan Wrachford

Perfect Pitch: When you throw a viola into the toilet and it doesn't hit the sides.


----------



## Jonathan Wrachford

Vibrato: Used by singers to hide the fact that they are on the wrong pitch.


----------



## Jonathan Wrachford

Soprano Sofege: do, re, mi, me, Me, Not You, ME!!


----------



## aimee




----------



## hpowders

Jonathan Wrachford said:


> Q: How do you keep your violin from being stolen?
> A: Put it in a viola case.


A low blow!!!


----------



## Rhythm




----------



## aimee




----------



## Lunasong




----------



## Lunasong




----------



## superhorn

What's the difference between a viola and an onion ? Nobody cries when you cut up a viola !


----------



## hpowders

Wanna bet?


----------



## Lunasong

A young music student is talking to Mozart - 
Student: "Herr Mozart, I'm thinking of writing a symphony, and was wondering if you could give me some instruction." 
Mozart: "How old are you, young man?" 
Student: "I'm seventeen." 
Mozart: "Well, that's a bit young to write something as complex as a symphony, isn't it? Why don't you start with something on a smaller scale, like a string quartet, and then work your way up?" 
Student: "But Herr Mozart, you wrote your first symphony when you were only eight years old!" 
Mozart: "Yes, but nobody had to teach me how."

*G. F. Patton, A Practical Guide to the Arrangement of Band Music
N.Y., John F. Stratton & Co., 1875 *

"It is a fact not to be denied that the existence of a good Brass Band in any town or community is at once an indication of enterprise among its people, and an evidence that a certain spirit of taste and refinement pervades the masses... we recognize the unfailing indication of culture and refinement...

"First comes the selection of men. As a rule, it is well here to avoid taking in fellows who 'play by ear',... Such fellows besides being often dissipated, are most always vain and idle... The most essential requisite is that a man should be patient and teachable...

"Having selected the men, pick out the most intelligent and ambitious of the lot for Cornet players... The next most important place to be filled is that of the Tuba player. He should be a moderately stout fellow... his supply of patience should be practically inexhaustible,...and if a man of profane habits is apt to swear in a disagreeable way at the stupid blunders made by his companions of the Althorns and Tenors...so little private feuds spring up which will eventually undermine the Band.

"For the Side instruments and Drums it does not make so much difference...

"If in a new Band there is to be a Baritone or Solo Alto, it is necessary to entrust them to men of intelligence and ambition, just as with the Cornets...

"To Amateurs, the Author has also this piece of advice to offer. Do not let anybody persuade you to bother with Piccolos, Clarinets and Slide Trombones."


----------



## Rhythm




----------



## aimee




----------



## Rhythm




----------



## aimee




----------



## Rhythm

I know, yet even the best musicians have their moments .


----------



## aimee




----------



## Rhythm




----------



## aimee




----------



## aimee




----------



## hpowders

aimee said:


>


Don't laugh. I took a girl on a date to see Tosca and I asked her how she liked it and she asked me why they were singing and she would have liked it more if there was no singing.

True story. It's really scary out there when I leave my house.


----------



## OldFashionedGirl

The most incredibly lame classical music jokes in history are about violas. I'm sick of reading jokes about this instrument every friggin' day.


----------



## Serge

I love viola! What does it do?


----------



## OldFashionedGirl

In one rehearsal, the famous director Thomas Beecham told a cellist of the orchestra: 
"You have between your legs the most sensitive instrument known to man, and all you can do is scratch it"


----------



## Richannes Wrahms

People wondering why Mahler couldn't finish his 10th Symphony, listen, it is not the curse of the ninth. 
IT'S THE CURSE OF THE VIOLA!!


----------



## senza sordino

OldFashionedGirl said:


> In one rehearsal, the famous director Thomas Beecham told a cellist of the orchestra:
> "You have between your legs the most sensitive instrument known to man, and all you can do is scratch it"


Some years ago, I played with a conductor who tried that same joke. He prefaced it by quoting Beecham. Nevertheless, it didn't go over well, he managed to offend many, not just the cellist.


----------



## Rhythm




----------



## Rhythm




----------



## Rhythm




----------



## aimee




----------



## Rhythm




----------



## aimee




----------



## sangg

What do you get when you cross Debussy with Sibelius? 
Delius.


----------



## Rhythm




----------



## aimee




----------



## Donata

If you don't study, you'll end up with the fourth degree of the C major scale. 

How can you tell if there's a singer at your door?
They can't find the key, and they never know when to come in.

A note on a music department bulletin board read "Needed: experienced bassist for R and B band".
Underneath it somebody scrawled, "Must know both notes" 

What do you call a person who plays the viola?
A violator. 

Did you hear about the soprano who had quite a range at the lower end of the scale. She was known as the deep C diva.


----------



## aimee




----------



## Serge

Knock knock knock knock! Knock knock knock knock!

- Who's there?
- Beethoven's 5th.


----------



## hpowders

^^^^Heh! Heh! That's a good one!!


----------



## aimee




----------



## pileofsticks

Me: Hey Gershwin!

Gershwin: Hello, hey, hey hey, hello! Hello! Hello! Hello, om hello, hey hey, helloooo....!


----------



## kanook

Of the top 200 composers of all time, Georg Philipp Telemann ranks in the #2 spot.

The other 199 are tied for 1st.


----------



## kanook

To avoid the unruly autograph hounds the Maestro would sneak into the concert hall through the Bach door.


----------



## Richannes Wrahms

Bach jokes have never worked on me because I was "taught" the "correct pronunciation" of Bach from the beginning, which of course sounds nothing like "back" exept for the first two phonemes which happen to coincide due to [THE WRITTEN REPRESENTATION OF A LOUD UNEXPECTED SOUND] well that's your lame joke, hope it woke up your amygdala, Haydn in your brain. [THAT'S TWO LEVELS OF LAME]


----------



## kanook

Richannes Wrahms said:


> Bach jokes have never worked on me because I was "taught" the "correct pronunciation" of Bach from the beginning, which of course sounds nothing like "back" exept for the first two phonemes which happen to coincide due to [THE WRITTEN REPRESENTATION OF A LOUD UNEXPECTED SOUND] well that's your lame joke, hope it woke up your amygdala, Haydn in your brain. [THAT'S TWO LEVELS OF LAME]


Actually the Bach door I was referring to was on the side of the concert hall so I'm confused about your reference to the "back" of the building.


----------



## Serge

Bach had a side door to enter? Some people would call it the "Main Entrance".


----------



## Lunasong

A high school choir goes on a field trip. As they arrive at their destination, the director gives them instructions on where to go. Ten minutes after leaving the bus, all of the sopranos are lost. When the director finally finds them, he demands, "Why did you get lost?" to which they all respond, "We were following the accompanist!" 

The beginners’ class of viola students was attending their first music lesson. The teacher was trying to begin at the beginning. She drew a musical staff on the blackboard and asked a little girl to come up and write a note on it. The little girl went to the blackboard, looked thoughtful for a minute and wrote: 
"Dear Aunt Emma, just a short note to tell you I'm fine …"


----------



## Rhythm




----------



## Lunasong

"Don't bother to look, I've composed all this already."
-- Gustav Mahler, to Bruno Walter who had stopped to admire mountain scenery in rural Austria.


----------



## Lunasong




----------



## Lunasong




----------



## Classical Saxophonist

What's the difference between a clarinet and an onion?

No one cries when you chop up a clarinet.


----------



## Lunasong




----------



## Richannes Wrahms

I need a red spell caster...... to bring my ex back????? call Venetian Tony Vivaldi.


----------



## aimee




----------



## aimee




----------



## Rhythm




----------



## aimee




----------



## jtbell

Did you know that a certain Italian modernist composer once wrote a very short piece for nine instruments?

the Nono Nano Nonet.


----------



## senza sordino

aimee said:


>


That is similar to the "Chopin Lizst" I've seen people use when they buy groceries.


----------



## Lunasong

JOKE BLOW-OUT Time to clear some of these from my collection...

Q) Why wasn't J.S. Bach at the classical concert? 
A) Because he was Baroque.

Q) How does a clarinet player handle a difficult passage?
A) He stops to change his reed.

Q) How do you get a trumpet player to play louder?
A) Hopefully no one will find out.

Q) What’s worse than having an oboe player in the band?
A) Having two.

Q) What do you call a clarinet that is a bit sharp?
A) bayonet.

Q) What’s the definition of a minor second?
A) Two viola players playing the same part.

Q) What do you call a group a female musicians who play together?
A) Broadband.

Q) What’s the difference between a regular flute and a gold-plated flute?
A) One has a richer sound.

Q) What does music have to do with safety?
A) If you can’t C sharp, you’ll B flat.

Q) What kind of farmers make the best percussionists?
A) Beet farmers.

Q) Why do party goers love the inside of a piano?
A) Because that’s where the action is.

Q) What's the difference between a dog whistle and a piccolo? 
A) The number of species you can annoy.

Q) Did you hear about the p-coli infestation in the band?
A) Nearly every flute player doubles on p-colo.

Q) Can French horns play footnotes? 
A) No. For that, you need a shoe horn.

Q) Why do French horn players choose that instrument?
A) They're twisted.

Q) Why was the tuba player asked to leave the orchestra?
A) He kept getting into treble.

Q) At the end of a piece, what comes after the conductor's cut-off? 
A) Trumpet solo.

Q) How do orchestras pay the conductor? 
A) According to scale.

Q) Why aren't there many Moms in the audience? 
A) Pops concert.

Q) Why wasn't the flute player allowed on the moon bounce?
A) The operator said, “No sharp instruments.”

Q) What's a half step? 
A) The pace used by a cellist when carrying his instrument.


----------



## Celloman

A: Did you ever hear the joke about _4'33"_?

B: Nope. I've never heard it.


----------



## Serge

Celloman said:


> A: Did you ever hear the joke about _4'33"_?
> 
> B: Nope. I've never heard it.


I thought that 4'33" was a joke. A lame one!


----------



## jani

Lunasong said:


> JOKE BLOW-OUT Time to clear some of these from my collection...
> 
> Q) Why wasn't J.S. Bach at the classical concert?
> A) Because he was Baroque.
> 
> Q) How does a clarinet player handle a difficult passage?
> A) He stops to change his reed.
> 
> Q) How do you get a trumpet player to play louder?
> A) Hopefully no one will find out.
> 
> Q) What's worse than having an oboe player in the band?
> A) Having two.
> 
> Q) What do you call a clarinet that is a bit sharp?
> A) bayonet.
> 
> Q) What's the definition of a minor second?
> A) Two viola players playing the same part.
> 
> Q) What do you call a group a female musicians who play together?
> A) Broadband.
> 
> Q) What's the difference between a regular flute and a gold-plated flute?
> A) One has a richer sound.
> 
> Q) What does music have to do with safety?
> A) If you can't C sharp, you'll B flat.
> 
> Q) What kind of farmers make the best percussionists?
> A) Beet farmers.
> 
> Q) Why do party goers love the inside of a piano?
> A) Because that's where the action is.
> 
> Q) What's the difference between a dog whistle and a piccolo?
> A) The number of species you can annoy.
> 
> Q) Did you hear about the p-coli infestation in the band?
> A) Nearly every flute player doubles on p-colo.
> 
> Q) Can French horns play footnotes?
> A) No. For that, you need a shoe horn.
> 
> Q) Why do French horn players choose that instrument?
> A) They're twisted.
> 
> Q) Why was the tuba player asked to leave the orchestra?
> A) He kept getting into treble.
> 
> Q) At the end of a piece, what comes after the conductor's cut-off?
> A) Trumpet solo.
> *
> Q) How do orchestras pay the conductor?
> A) According to scale.
> *
> Q) Why aren't there many Moms in the audience?
> A) Pops concert.
> 
> Q) Why wasn't the flute player allowed on the moon bounce?
> A) The operator said, "No sharp instruments."
> 
> Q) What's a half step?
> A) The pace used by a cellist when carrying his instrument.


Well for the conductor lets hope that they piece isn't on a minor key.


----------



## aimee




----------



## Lunasong

My new favorite variant on an old joke.

What's the difference between a seamstress and a violist?
The seamstress tucks up the frills.

What's the difference between a seamstress and a soprano?
The seamstress tucks and frills.

What's the difference between a seamstress and a french horn player?
The seamstress says "Tuck the frills."


----------



## Taggart




----------



## science

So an expert (or big fan or whatever) in Elgar is an Elgarian, and an expert in Mahler is a Mahlerian, and an expert in Mozart is a Mozartian, and so on... 

But can an expert in Fasch please be referred to as a Faschist? I'd really like that.


----------



## science

Re: Taggart's helpful flowchart - I got guitar.


----------



## Lunasong

Even Taggart's flowchart is a viola joke.


----------



## Donata

Q - What do you get if Bach dies and is reincarnated as twins? 
A - A pair of Re-Bachs.

"Total Entropy" - a tone poem for 85 bagpipes and solo cello.

Vocalists are good with their mouths.

Singers do it with their diaphragms.

My favorite composer is Opus.


----------



## Lunasong

*Jazz Math* by Bill Anschell​
1.	If x is the number of chord changes in a tune, and y is the tempo at which it is played, then xy = factor by which a guitarist will turn down his amp.

2.	# (notes/measure played by a saxophonist on a ballad) is proportional to # (drinks he has consumed).

3.	4 + 4.125 + 4 + 3.875 + 4 + (4.667) + 4 + (x, where x is unknown) = 1 chorus trading with drummer.

4.	(2 + 5 + 1) x (# of freshman college jazz students, internationally) = annual income of Jamie Aebersold, in dollars.

5.	Infinity = (3 + 6 + 2 + 5) + (3 + 6 + 2 + 5) + (3 + 6 + 2 + 5) ...

6.	5/4 + 7/4 + 11/4 = drummer's gig

7.	If (# of drinks consumed, per musician) > (# of drinks comped by club), then unrest will prevail unless (cost per drink) < 1/20 (pay for gig).

8.	1 uptempo tune +1 rushing drummer + x (double lattes) = x (fights among horn players to solo first)

9.	1 ballad + 1 dragging drummer + x (Percocets) = >1 cleared house, where x is proportional to the speed at which the room empties.

10.	2 (diddles) = paradiddle

11.	Jam session + eighth-note rest = missed opportunity.

12.	Jam session + (quarter-note rest or greater) = band on break.

13.	{(New + York) squared - (NewNew + Yorkyork + Yorknew) + New York + 2 (Ride + Sally) - Sally} divided by (less than five seconds) = medley from hell

14.	(1/vocalist's experience in years) x (# of beats per measure) x 32 = # of unintended modulations + skipped beats, per chorus.

15.	If x = piano's deviance from being in tune, y = volume level of drummer, z = length of gig, and d = number of drinks consumed by pianist on break, then (d ) (xyz /pay of the gig, in dollars), predicts the probability of pianist urinating in his instrument.

16.	"Vow of Poverty" theorem: If # people in audience < # of musicians on bandstand, then pay per musician < one individual cover charge.

17.	"Bass" theorem: A musician's IQ is inversely proportional to the size of his/her instrument, and directly related to the register of the instrument.

18.	"Rule of One" theorem: (Universe of jazz vocalists) v (# of jazz vocalists who sing "Summertime") = 1 = rank of "Summertime" among tunes most despised by instrumentalists.

19.	"Devil's Music" theorem: Smooth Jazz = square root of all evil.

20.	"Two Americas" Buffet theorem: Fresh salmon/flaccid spanakopita + prime rib/limp eggrolls + jumbo shrimp/soggy chicken fingers = high society gig/Elks Club gig

21.	How much should a gig pay, based on the following conditions: drive 90 miles outside of town through pouring rain; set up two hours in advance; load in through slimy kitchen accessed by treacherous outdoor staircase; and play four hours of continuous crappy dance favorites for drunk rich people?
Would you take it for 1/2 that much? (If yes): Desperation/pride > 1
After you bid on the above gig for 1/3 your worth, a college student offers to play the same gig for 1/2 as much. You are 12 times as good as him, but 1/2 as good-looking. The client has a tin ear. Who will get the job? Why do you bother practicing?

22.	If a trumpet player counts off a tune in 4/4 at mm = 180, and the drummer slows it down at a constant rate of deceleration over 8 measures to mm = 150, does the pianist still suck?

23.	If a bassist plays a root, a pianist superimposes a major seventh chord built on the fifth, and a saxophonist plays the 13th, will attractive women notice? Will the drummer?

24.	If a successful attorney earns 3x as much as a successful musician, but the musician believes his work is 4x as fulfilling, who actually has larger genitalia?

25.	Your trio is set up in a perfect equilateral triangle. A singer sets up exactly in the middle. Will the three of you be divided against the singer, or against one another?

26.	If (% of Americans who like jazz) (% of Americans who like chainsaw sculptures), what is America's most important indigenous art form?


----------



## Lunasong

*A collection of one-liners.*

I only listen to waltzes 3/4 of the time.

If you can't find anyone to sing with you have to duet yourself.

The pianist led an upright life, but it wasn't grand. No matter how I tried to spinet, I couldn't console him!

Cryptographers make terrible drummers. They just sit there, fascinated by all the cymbals.

The concert violinist believed in exercise, consequently, he was fit as a fiddle.

He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

The key to the success of all musicians of note is their ability to stay composed while performing at a level that can't be beat.

The optometrist moonlighted as a jazz musician so he could continue to improve-eyes.

I wanted to be a clarinetist but I couldn't reed music. So now I play the triangle in the symphony orchestra. It's really easy.
I just stand in the back and ting.

Musicians usually know what bar they are in.

Those who hate classical music have my symphony.

When a musician plays a scale on a newly cleaned piano, he goes from C to shining C.

The orchestra ended every concert with a cello solo. Everyone knows there's always room for cello.

When a musician's toupee fell into his bass clarinet, he blew his top.

A real conductor always faces the music.

Some soloists are so bad they should sing tenor twelve miles away.

The novel about a musician in treble was a real clef-hanger.

Musicians need a leader because they don't know how to conduct themselves.

There once was an orchestra conductor who threw tempo tantrums.

Two brothers fought over some sheet music but their mother wanted to keep the piece.

Piano humor is not a black and white issue.

++++
A one-liner or an astute observation?
People who want you to listen to their compositions almost never want to listen to yours.


----------



## Lunasong




----------



## Lunasong




----------



## Rhythm




----------



## Rhythm




----------



## Donata




----------



## science

Lunasong said:


> 17. "Bass" theorem: A musician's IQ is inversely proportional to the size of his/her instrument, and directly related to the register of the instrument.


Having known a few piccolo players, I wager that this theorem wouldn't survive careful scrutiny.


----------



## Mahlerian

Donata said:


> View attachment 40222


Umm....you do realize that Wozzeck actually requires one of its characters to whistle a tune in one scene...right?


----------



## DrKilroy

The Second Viennese School composers had some good tunes, as Mahlerian always reminds us.  One day, I was actually humming the opening tune of Schoenberg's Five Orchestral Pieces.


Best regards, Dr


----------



## aimee




----------



## hpowders

When at a family gathering I proudly told my dysfunctional family about my new avocation, posting on TC.
I spoke very slowly, given the audience I was dealing with and explained to them I am a pithy person as far as my posting goes.
My Aunt Ann then proceeded to direct me to a choice of 2 bathrooms.


----------



## shangoyal

hpowders said:


> When at a family gathering I proudly told my dysfunctional family about my new avocation, posting on TC.
> I spoke very slowly, given the audience I was dealing with and explained to them I am a pithy person as far as my posting goes.
> My Aunt Ann then proceeded to direct me to a choice of 2 bathrooms.


Give me a few years, and I'll figure out that joke.


----------



## hpowders

shangoyal said:


> Give me a few years, and I'll figure out that joke.


See my PM to you. Just a dumb joke.


----------



## DrKilroy

DrKilroy said:


> The Second Viennese School composers had some good tunes, as Mahlerian always reminds us.  One day, I was actually humming the opening tune of Schoenberg's Five Orchestral Pieces.


By the way, this was not a joke.

Best regards, Dr


----------



## shangoyal

I think Schoenberg's Verklarte Nacht is full of some great tunes.


----------



## DrKilroy

Oh, not to mention Schoenberg's tonal works! They are excellent, and he could be among my 20th century favourites solely for his early string quartets (actually, he is, as the 0th and 1st string quartets are the only Schoenberg works I know quite well so far).


Best regards, Dr


----------



## hpowders

Early Schoenberg sounds like Richard Strauss, no?

Not meant as a joke.


----------



## science

hpowders said:


> Early Schoenberg sounds like Richard Strauss, no?
> 
> Not meant as a joke.


I started to say, "But I don't hum Strauss either," and then I realized I do - every time I see a sunrise, or a moonrise, or toast come up out of the toaster....


----------



## Morimur

"I liked the opera very much. Everything but the music."
_-Benjamin Britten on Stravinsky's The Rakes's Progress_

When told that a soloist would need six fingers to perform his concerto,
_Arnold Schoenberg_ replied, "I can wait."


----------



## hpowders

Lope de Aguirre said:


> "I liked the opera very much. Everything but the music."
> _-Benjamin Britten on Stravinsky's The Rakes's Progress_
> 
> When told that a soloist would need six fingers to perform his concerto,
> _Arnold Schoenberg_ replied, "I can wait."


That was the violin concerto. Heifetz regarded it as "unplayable" but I don't believe it. To Heifetz that was just an excuse because it wasn't "showy" enough for the violin. If Hilary Hahn could play it, I'm sure Heifetz could have played it in his sleep!

No joke.


----------



## DrKilroy

hpowders said:


> Early Schoenberg sounds like Richard Strauss, no?
> 
> Not meant as a joke.


Perhaps Gurrelieder are quite Straussian (perhaps; I have never listened to the Gurrelieder in their entirety), but a string quartet is not really a genre Strauss excelled in, so I do not hear many similarities. 

Best regards, Dr


----------



## Morimur

hpowders said:


> That was the violin concerto. Heifetz regarded it as "unplayable" but I don't believe it. To Heifetz that was just an excuse because it wasn't "showy" enough for the violin. If Hilary Hahn could play it, I'm sure Heifetz could have played it in his sleep!
> 
> No joke.


What's the appeal of Hahn? She's an _ok_ violinist, not _great._ I've heard people say that her popularity has more to do with 'looks' but she has a face like a thousand others.


----------



## Mahlerian

DrKilroy said:


> Perhaps Gurrelieder are quite Straussian (perhaps; I have never listened to the Gurrelieder in their entirety), but a string quartet is not really a genre Strauss excelled in, so I do not hear many similarities.
> 
> Best regards, Dr


Pelleas und Mellisande and the first Chamber Symphony are particularly Straussian, although it's hard to tell with the brittle instrumentation of the latter. Listen to his full orchestra arrangement, op. 9b, and the heritage is clear.


----------



## hpowders

Lope de Aguirre said:


> What's the appeal of Hahn? She's an _ok_ violinist, not _great._ I've heard people say that her popularity has more to do with 'looks' but she has a face like a thousand others.


I have no idea. One certainly cannot identify her playing as one can with Heifetz or Milstein or even Stern.

She sounds like a lot of modern violinists-they can play anything, but without the personal stamp of personality that to me indicates greatness.

She recently recorded the Schoenberg and that was big, because nobody else seems to want to touch it.

(Not a joke).


----------



## science

Short version of a true story: Hilary Hahn once came over to my house (with a friend of hers) and my father thought she had a crush on me. 

So I buy all her albums.


----------



## Mahlerian

hpowders said:


> I have no idea. One certainly cannot identify her playing as one can with Heifetz or Milstein or even Stern.
> 
> She sounds like a lot of modern violinists-they can play anything, but without the personal stamp of personality that to me indicates greatness.
> 
> She recently recorded the Schoenberg and that was big, because nobody else seems to want to touch it.


She has incredibly clean playing technique. Some of the passages in the Schoenberg that every previous player was only able to squeak out sound clear and musical under her hands.

She also uses her star power to champion lesser-known and contemporary repertoire, which I think is eminently laudable, even when I don't agree with her choices.


----------



## hpowders

Mahlerian said:


> She has incredibly clean playing technique. Some of the passages in the Schoenberg that every previous player was only able to squeak out sound clear and musical under her hands.
> 
> She also uses her star power to champion lesser-known and contemporary repertoire, which I think is eminently laudable, even when I don't agree with her choices.


I'm simply saying she has little personality in her playing; similar to other contemporary violinists.

You think if 5 contemporary violinists recorded a 30 second snippet of anything, you would be able to pick out the Hilary Hahn performance? Try it with Heifetz. Easy!


----------



## hpowders

science said:


> Short version of a true story: Hilary Hahn once came over to my house (with a friend of hers) and my father thought she had a crush on me.
> 
> So I buy all her albums.


 You still have her g-string as a souvenir?

A low blow! ( violinists in-joke)


----------



## science

hpowders said:


> You still have her g-string as a souvenir?
> 
> A low blow! ( violinists in-joke)


Unacceptable. I met her once and she's famous so you know you're basically talking about one of my closest friends....


----------



## millionrainbows

This is not about music, but I like it:

"They said Joan of Arc was crazy, but she just went ahead and built it anyway." :lol:


----------



## hpowders

Yeah. Real close, science.  

I'm not saying she's not an astonishing player. It's just that she sounds like a lot of others. It's not a crime.

To her credit, she tackled a work which nobody else would touch and this recording of the Schoenberg is very necessary as opposed to another take on the Brahms Violin Concerto, which we don't need.


----------



## Tristan

It's funny--the other day, my friend sent me a link to "classical music jokes" and the link was to a page on this thread!

He was like "I think you'd like that site!"


----------



## Majed Al Shamsi

I told Beethoven a thousand times to get his ear checked.
But he just wouldn't listen...

If all flutes were Muslims, would they blow themselves?

A scale walks into a bar, and then immediately gets kicked out. Why?
Because it's A minor...

Violins never solved anything.

What did the C sharp key say when it got pulled over by a cop?
"Is it because I'm black?"


----------



## Lunasong

Tristan said:


> It's funny--the other day, my friend sent me a link to "classical music jokes" and the link was to a page on this thread!
> 
> He was like "I think you'd like that site!"


I really appreciate hearing that. I like to think this thread is the largest collection of classical music jokes on the Web.


----------



## Lunasong




----------



## aimee




----------



## Lunasong

More Garrison Keillor:

*A Foot Soldier in God's Floating Orchestra*

My wife is a violinist, a freelancer, a foot soldier in God's floating orchestra, who waits for the phone to ring, and then goes off and plays the Faure Requiem at a Presbyterian church at 7 PM on the 21st, rehearsal at 5 PM, or six rehearsals and eight performances of The Montagues and the Capulets, or a concert of African-American composers for Black History Month, and comes back to tell me stories about the soprano with the big diva attitude and major pitch problems, and the timid clarinetist, and the blatty trombone player, and the French horn player who dropped his mute during the quiet passage. For her work, which is highly skilled and requires years of exacting preparation, and is stressful, being so unforgiving of errors, she is paid a fraction of what a rookie waiter of modest charm could earn on any Friday night in an upscale restaurant. But she is glad for the work, and her complaints about the pay are always good natured. Of course it helps that she married well. When she was 14, she left the little town that we both grew up in, and went off to music school, and to violinist boot-camp, and landed in New York City, where she worked for 20 years, bopping around from opera tour, to regional symphony, to pop shows, to Broadway pit orchestras, to church gigs, and off to Japan with a pick-up orchestra, to do Vivaldi and Bach. And then tour the South with _Madama Butterfly_.

My wife has played for Leonard Bernstein, and she has also played for the Lipizzaner Stallions. She is a pro. I love to sit up and wait for her to come home after a performance, and hear how it went. Usually, it went just fine. Sometimes she is ecstatic about what they played, or about some singer who was especially fine.

Sometimes she grits her teeth. The trumpets were bad, or the baritone dropped a wine glass on the stage, and it rolled into the pit and almost creamed the harpist. Often she has something pithy to say about the conductor or the soloist. If she says, "I thought he was very unprofessional," it's a real slap. A famous soloist who is haughty towards the commoners backstage -- that's unprofessional -- it's just not done! A conductor who glares at someone who just played a bad note -- unprofessional! Worse than the bad note. Orchestra professionalism is a world apart from mine: mine prizes attitude and a rakish hat, and star quality, and interesting underwear. And this concept of professional(alism), prizes ensemble playing, and precision, and a sort of selflessness -- and this concept of professionalism can be expressed in certain principles. You won't find this list posted backstage, but, my wife tells me, that's because everybody knows this stuff right out of music school.

1. You are, of course, on time. Always! Don't come an hour early (amateurish) but never come late. Never! This is an Orchestra, and you are Violinist, you're not some paper-pusher at Amalgamated Bucket. (Orchestra musicians are experts at finessing public transportation, and if they do drive, at finding parking spaces no matter what, legal, or illegal. Everybody has a strategy for "Getting to the Gig," and a back-up strategy in case the area is cordoned off for a Presidential motorcade, and an emergency strategy, in case of earthquake or civil disorder, or an invasion of the body snatchers.)

2. Don't show off warming up backstage. Don't do the Brahms Concerto. Don't whip through the Paganini you did for your last audition. Warm up and be cool about it.

3. Backstage you hang out with other string players, not brass or percussion. You don't get into a big conversation with the tuba player, lest you be lulled into relaxation. He is not playing the Brandenburg No. 3 that opens the show -- you are. Stick with your own kind, so you can start to get nervous when you should.

4. You never chum around with the conductor, too much. Likewise the contractor who hired you; you can be nice but not fawning, subservient. If one of them is perched in the musicians' common backstage, don't gravitate there. Don't orbit.

5. You never look askance at someone who has made a mistake. Never! If the clarinet player squeaks, if the oboe honks, if the second stand cello lumbers in two bars early, like lost livestock, you keep your eyes where your eyes should be. You are a musician, not a critic. String players never disparage their stand partners to others. Stand partnership is an intimate relationship, and there is a zone of safety here. Actually, you shouldn't disparage any musician in the orchestra to anybody, unless to your husband (or spouse), or very good friends. But you never say anything bad about your stand partner.

6. If the conductor is a jerk, don't react to him whatsoever. Ignore the shows of temper. If he makes a sarcastic joke at the expense of a musician, do not laugh, not even a slight wheeze or twitter.

7. Try to do the conductor's bidding, no matter how ridiculous. If he says, "Play this very dry, but with plenty of vibrato," go ahead and do it, though it's impossible. If he says, "This should be very quick but sustained," then go ahead and sustain the quick, or levitate, or walk across the ceiling, or whatever he wants. He's the boss.

8. Don't bend and sway as you play. Stay in your space. You're not a soloist, don't move like one. No big sweeps of the bow. And absolutely never, never, never tap your foot to the music.

9. Go through channels. If you, a fifth stand violin, are unsure if that note in bar 143 should be C natural as shown or B flat, don't raise your hand and ask the maestro, ask your section head, and let him/her ask Mr. Big.

10. You do not accept violations of work rules passively. When it's time to go, it's time to go. If it's Bruno Walter and the Mahler Fourth, and you're in Seventh Heaven, then of course, you ignore the clock. But, if it's some ordinary jerk flapping around on the podium, you put your instrument in the case when the rehearsal is supposed to be end. It was his arrogant pedantry that chewed up the first hour of the rehearsal, and now time is up, and he's only half way through The Planets, and is in a panic. If he wants to pay overtime, fine. Otherwise, let him hang, it's his rope. At the performance, you can show him what terrific sight-readers you all are.

It's all about manners and maintaining a sense of integrity in a selfless situation, and surviving in a body of neurotic perfectionists. And it's about holding up your head, even as orchestras in America languish and die out, victims of their own rigidity and stuffiness and of a sea change in American culture.

Perhaps in a hundred years orchestra musicians will seem like some weird priestly order akin to the Rosicrucians or the worshipers of Athens. But in the rehearsal for the Last Performance, the players will arrive on time, and take their places and play dryly but with vibrato, and not tap their feet. And one violinist will come home and have a glass of wine, and say to her husband, "Why can't they find a decent trombonist?"


----------



## aimee

"Look, this must be a trap for people..."


----------



## Lunasong

The real trap for people is sitting here at this keyboard instead of sitting there at that keyboard.


----------



## Ukko

re: "*A Foot Soldier in God's Floating Orchestra*"

Thanks for that,_ Lunasong_. Aside from Keillor's usual 'informative humor with a hint of wry', the soldiering allusion is startlingly apt. The stand partner / foxhole buddy similarity for instance; I wouldn't have thunk it.


----------



## Jonathan Wrachford

I've got my Lizst, and I'm going Chopin. Be Bach soon. You should Handel this joke well


----------



## hpowders

Jonathan Wrachford said:


> I've got my Lizst, and I'm going Chopin. Be Bach soon. You should Handel this joke well


A fine joke; nice and pithy too! Me likey!!!


----------



## aimee




----------



## Lunasong

*Composers' Letters Home*

From Arnold Schoenberg:

Dear ma and pa:

How are you? I am fine. Love Arnold.

Arnold love, fine am I. you are how?

pa and ma dear. dlonrA evoL .enif ma I

?uoy era woH .ap dna am reaD..read am dna ap

?woh era uoy .I ma enif

,evol

dlonrA

From Philip Glass:

Hello heh heh hello, o-hell o-hell oh ellow ellow heh heh heh hello mama mama muh muh muh-mah, ah ah ah ahhhh! Aye aye aye aye aye yam yam yam yam. Eye yam yam Fie aye aye aye fuh fuh fuh fie un yun yun yun. Hah hah aha hah ow ow ow wow ow wow ow ow ah hah aha haha are are are are yuh huh huh huh yuh you? oooh. oooooh.

Sincerely,

Phil

From John Cage:

,

John


----------



## aimee




----------



## shangoyal

aimee said:


>


Same here!

(25)


----------



## aimee

shangoyal said:


> Same here!
> 
> (25)


oh, it's a dup, sorry.
no wonder why he was so ...famous 

hope this one is not a repeat


----------



## Lunasong

Did you hear about the soprano's horrible accident?
She tried to jump from her ego to her IQ.

Did you hear about the choral director who was getting just a bit cranky?
Instead of bliss and satisfaction, he was experiencing "chorus interruptus."

Did you hear about the composer who committed suicide?
He didn't leave a note.

Did you hear about the carrot bass singer?
He was the root of every chord.

Did you hear about the tuba player on the walk from the law?
Don't you mean "on the run?"
When was the last time you saw a tuba player run?


----------



## MoonlightSonata

The Mozart Effect: Makes a child smarter and more mathematical along with a higher IQ 

The Haydn Effect: Child is witty and quick on his feet, quite often bringing a grin to the faces of those around him. Despite this he exhibits remarkable humility. 

The Bach Effect: Child memorizes Scripture and says his prayers every day; may overwhelm listeners with his speech. 

The Handel Effect: Much like the Bach Effect; in addition, the child may exhibit dramatic behavior. 

The Beethoven Effect: Child develops a superiority complex and is prone to violent tantrums; is a perfectionist. 

The Liszt Effect: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important 

The Bruckner Effect: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains a reputation for profundity. 

The Grieg Effect: This child is quirky yet cheery. May be prone toward Norwegian folklore. 

The Wagner Effect: Child becomes a megalomaniac. Speaks for six hours at a stretch. 

The Schoenberg Effect: Child never repeats a word until he has used all the other words in his vocabulary. Sometimes talk backwards or upside-down. Eventually people stop listening to him. Child blames them for their inability to understand him. 

The Ives Effect: Child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once. 

The Stravinsky Effect: Child is prone to savage, guttural and profane outbursts that lead to fighting and pandemonium in preschool. 

The Shostakovich Effect: Child only expresses themselves in parent-approved ways. 

The Cage Effect: Childs says exactly nothing for 4 minutes and 33 seconds. Preferred by 9 out of 10 classroom teachers. 

The Glass Effect: Child repeats one word over, and over, and over, and over....


----------



## EdwardBast

A bunny and a snake are traveling through the forest on a moonless, cloudy night when they bump into one another. 
"What are you?," the bunny nervously asks.
"What are _you_?," the snake hisses in reply.
"I asked first," says the bunny.
"Then you should answer first," replies the wily snake.
"That doesn't sound fair. I won't do that!"
"Okay," says the snake, "this is getting us nowhere. Let's play a game. Let's touch each other and guess."
"Okay," says the bunny.
The snake slithers up to the bunny, examines its tale and its well-developed hind quarters and says: "You have a fluffy tale and powerful hind legs. You must be a rabbit!"
"That's right! My turn," says the rabbit, who then runs his front paws up and down his mysterious companion. "Well," the rabbit says, "you are all slimy and you have no ears. You must be a conductor!"


----------



## Stavrogin

Lunasong said:


> *Composers' Letters Home*
> 
> From Arnold Schoenberg:
> 
> Dear ma and pa:
> 
> How are you? I am fine. Love Arnold.
> 
> Arnold love, fine am I. you are how?
> 
> pa and ma dear. dlonrA evoL .enif ma I
> 
> ?uoy era woH .ap dna am reaD..read am dna ap
> 
> ?woh era uoy .I ma enif
> 
> ,evol
> 
> dlonrA
> 
> From Philip Glass:
> 
> Hello heh heh hello, o-hell o-hell oh ellow ellow heh heh heh hello mama mama muh muh muh-mah, ah ah ah ahhhh! Aye aye aye aye aye yam yam yam yam. Eye yam yam Fie aye aye aye fuh fuh fuh fie un yun yun yun. Hah hah aha hah ow ow ow wow ow wow ow ow ah hah aha haha are are are are yuh huh huh huh yuh you? oooh. oooooh.
> 
> Sincerely,
> 
> Phil
> 
> From John Cage:
> 
> ,
> 
> John




Would be curious about similar letters from other composers...


----------



## jtbell

aimee said:


>


And where's he hidin'? On first.

Who's on first?


----------



## Lunasong

Stavrogin said:


> Would be curious about similar letters from other composers...


I know Mahler's would be really...long.

"Life is short. Mahler isn't."


----------



## Lunasong

You might be a musician if:
You've tried to figure out what piece of music is in the picture at the top of this web page.​
Anything played wrong twice in a row is the beginning of an arrangement.

"Do you love music?"
"Yes, but never mind, you may continue playing."

Clarinets are like ninja. You can't hear us, but we're there.

The difference between a drummer and a percussionist:
A drummer keeps time, plays rhythmic patterns, strikes cymbals, hits tom toms and bass drum.
A percussionist does all this while wearing a tuxedo!

A trombone player was trying to pull out of a parking space, but bashed the bumper of the parked car in front of him. Witnessed by a handful of pedestrians waiting for a bus, the driver got out, inspected the damage, and proceeded to write a note to leave on the windshield of the car he had hit. The note read: "Hello. I have just hit your car, and there are some people here watching me who think I am leaving you my name, phone number and driver's license number, but I am not."


----------



## hpowders

aimee said:


>


This one doesn't belong. It's good; not lame. :tiphat:


----------



## KenOC

Lunasong said:


> I know Mahler's would be really...long.
> 
> "Life is short. Mahler isn't."


"Art is long and life is short; here is evidently the explanation of a Brahms symphony." -- Edward Lome


----------



## DrKilroy

Lunasong said:


> You might be a musician if:
> You've tried to figure out what piece of music is in the picture at the top of this web page.​


I have! So I am a musician, good to know.  By the way, does really anyone know what piece of music it is? 

Best regards, Dr


----------



## Taggart

From Classic FM - The 10 worst things about being a viola player.


----------



## aimee




----------



## Varick

What's brown and sits on a piano bench?

Beethoven's last movement.


----------



## sangg

The Callas Effect: Child sings operatically.

The Holst Effect: Child develops a love for astronomy and the cosmos.

The Vaughan Williams Effect: Child develops a love for the English countryside and thinks he can fly like a lark.

The Debussy Effect: Child develops a love for the sea. Speaks harmonically.

The Rachmaninov Effect: Child becomes a romantic. Speaks melodically.

The Hildegard von Bingen Effect: Child becomes interested in heavenly chants. Speaks monotonously.


----------



## sangg

The Part Effect: Child develops a love for minimalism, speaks with long periods of silence and carefully chooses his words.

The Tchaikovsky Effect: Child develops a love for fairy tales and is sometimes bombastic in speaking.

The Satie Effect: Like the Cage effect except child develops a wicked sense of humour as well. Sometimes he talks nonsense and has a great imagination.


----------



## Lunasong

Radio disc jockeys are never supposed to leave the station unattended, but the late-night DJ at the classical station had to pick up his girl friend at the airport so he put on a CD of the first act of _Die Meistersinger_, locked up the station, jumped in his car and drove off. He got back -- he thought -- just in time to change the disc, but discovered to his horror that the CD was skipping and had repeated the 11th bar of the overture over and over again for 57 minutes. Thinking fast, he s-l-o-w-l-y faded down the volume and then announced, "That was Symphony Number 7 by Philip Glass."


----------



## Guest

I found something. Lame? Yes. But you'll still probably laugh.

http://www.last.fm/group/Partei+für+Kulturwissenschaft/forum/1267665/_/2225200


----------



## Lunasong

ALLREGRETTO 
When you're 16 measures into the piece and realize you took too fast a tempo.


ANGUS DEI 
To play with a divinely beefy tone


A PATELLA 
Accompanied by knee-slapping


APPOLOGGIATURA 
A composition that you regret playing


APPROXIMATURA 
A series of notes not intended by the composer, yet played with an "I meant to do that" attitude


APPROXIMENTO 
A musical entrance that is somewhere in the vicinity of the correct pitch


CACOPHANY 
A composition incorporating many people with chest colds


CORAL SYMPHONY 
A large, multi-movement work from Beethoven's Caribbean Period


DILL PICCOLINI 
An exceedingly small wind instrument that plays only sour notes


FERMANTRA 
A note held over and over and over and over and . . ..


FERMOOTA 
A note of dubious value held for indefinite length


FIDDLER CRABS 
Grumpy string players


FLUTE FLIES 
Those tiny mosquitos that bother musicians on outdoor gigs


FRUGALHORN 
A sensible and inexpensive brass instrument


GAUL BLATTER 
A French horn player


GREGORIAN CHAMP 
The title bestowed upon the monk who can hold a note the longest


GROUND HOG 
Someone who takes control of the repeated bass line and won't let anyone else play it


PLACEBO DOMINGO 
A faux tenor


SCHMALZANDO 
A sudden burst of music from the Guy Lombardo band


THE RIGHT OF STRINGS (apologies to Stravinsky) 
Manifesto of the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Violists


SPRITZICATO 
An indication to string instruments to produce a bright and bubbly sound


TEMPO TANTRUM 
What an elementary school orchestra is having when it's not following the conductor


TROUBLE CLEF 
Any clef one can't read: e.g., alto clef for pianists


VESUVIOSO 
An indication to build up to a fiery conclusion


----------



## Lunasong

arcaneholocaust said:


> I found something. Lame? Yes. But you'll still probably laugh.


I did laugh at the introduction:
_The following is a list of renowned but undeservedly extolled classical music promoted by godless pseudo-experts and enshrined universally after generations of dumbing, mass propaganda:_

The list itself is a posting of accessible, universally enjoyed music that is a nice entry point for a novice to learn more about the genre. To call it "unworthy" is a bit pretentious.


----------



## KenOC

Lunasong said:


> I did laugh at the introduction:
> _The following is a list of renowned but undeservedly extolled classical music promoted by godless pseudo-experts and enshrined universally after generations of dumbing, mass propaganda:_
> 
> The list itself is a posting of accessible, universally enjoyed music that is a nice entry point for a novice to learn more about the genre. To call it "unworthy" is a bit pretentious.


The humor is a bit dry...and somebody should tell the listmeister that Beethoven's Op. 131 is not a piano sonata.


----------



## Lunasong




----------



## aimee




----------



## Huilunsoittaja

sangg said:


> The Part Effect: Child develops a love for minimalism, speaks with long periods of silence and carefully chooses his words.
> 
> The Tchaikovsky Effect: Child develops a love for fairy tales and is sometimes bombastic in speaking.
> 
> The Satie Effect: Like the Cage effect except child develops a wicked sense of humour as well. Sometimes he talks nonsense and has a great imagination.


I found another great list on the internet, here.

Some of my own:

Rimsky-Korsakov Effect: Child speaks with exotic accents and has inclination toward the sea and Middle/Far East, but is overall very intelligent in their wording and phrasing.

Liadov Effect: Child develops ADD but not hyperactivity. Whimsical, and never gets any work done, preferring to continually daydream instead.

Glazunov Effect: Child is hard worker, attentive learner, but tends to be shy and so is a better writer than speaker. Speech is blunt, but writing is very verbose, although in perfectly formed sentences.


----------



## aimee




----------



## Rhythm




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## aimee




----------



## Donata




----------



## Rhythm




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## aimee




----------



## Donata

Why are soprano jokes all one-liners?
So tenors can understand them.


----------



## Rhythm




----------



## aimee




----------



## Rhythm




----------



## aimee




----------



## Rhythm




----------



## aimee




----------



## Rhythm




----------



## aimee




----------



## aimee




----------



## Lunasong

Bach was prolific indeed. 1126 works (by BWV number) and 20 children in 45 years.
Mozart: 626 K-numbers in 31 years and 4 kids.
Bach: 25 works and a kid every other year. Mozart: 20 works per year and 1/5 the kids.


Mozart was a slacker!


----------



## aimee




----------



## Rhythm




----------



## aimee




----------



## Rhythm




----------



## aimee




----------



## aimee




----------



## Rhythm




----------



## Rhythm




----------



## aimee




----------



## aimee




----------



## Rhythm




----------



## Rhythm




----------



## aimee




----------



## Rhythm

^ Oh, poor guy. Imagine this one...


----------



## aimee

Rhythm said:


> ^ Oh, poor guy. Imagine this one...


^^ Wouldn't it be nice if we play together...
Happy times together... ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫


----------



## Rhythm

aimee said:


> ^^ Wouldn't it be nice if we play together...
> Happy times together... ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫


aimee, I threw you and myself and likely everyone else off the mark with the mom and daughter piano lesson image! Long story short, mom was my first piano teacher when I was five years old, but the series of lessons didn't last long. We were getting annoyed with one another, and if I had been her daughter, perhaps those few lessons might have been fun! We'll never know  The next piano teacher was what I needed: I had gotten the green light, so to speak, so I and the piano together went into the wilds of piano learning! I've another image to post in the next space.

EDIT: just so you know for later reference, I am my mom's son.


----------



## Rhythm




----------



## aimee

Rhythm said:


> aimee, I threw you and myself and likely everyone else off the mark with the mom and daughter piano lesson image! Long story short, mom was my first piano teacher when I was five years old, but the series of lessons didn't last long. We were getting annoyed with one another, and if I had been her daughter, perhaps those few lessons might have been fun! We'll never know  The next piano teacher was what I needed: I had gotten the green light, so to speak, so I and the piano together went into the wilds of piano learning! I've another image to post in the next space.
> 
> EDIT: just so you know for later reference, I am my mom's son.


Well, wasn't this one of the reasons that your Mom as your piano teacher didn't last long?  
kitchen stove was accessible at all times, I would imagine.


----------



## Figleaf

Someone once asked me if Hans Hotter had a cousin called Feet Colder. Now that's lame!


----------



## Rhythm

aimee said:


> Well, wasn't this one of the reasons that your Mom as your piano teacher didn't last long?
> kitchen stove was accessible at all times, I would imagine.


I don't know about that one, aimee, 
but this might tell the tale.










Oh, had it all been that easy :lol:


----------



## Rhythm




----------



## aimee

Rhythm said:


> I don't know about that one, aimee,
> but this might tell the tale.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Oh, had it all been that easy :lol:


or this could have been one of your wish back then


----------



## aimee

:lol:......... or this...


----------



## Rhythm

^ Similarly, mom and dad surely thought more than a couple of times to move me into the backyard 
:lol:


----------



## Rhythm




----------



## aimee

Rhythm said:


> ^ Similarly, mom and dad surely thought more than a couple of times to move me into the backyard
> :lol:


well, after too much practice, this could have been a thought?


----------



## aimee

then, your Mom & Dad could have gotten so... annoyed and this might have happened... :lol:


----------



## aimee

...break time was over, time for more piano lessons & practice... :lol:


----------



## changeup

aimee said:


>


Unfortunately, this is a Triceratops and from my biological knowledge this dinosaur did not appear until late Cretaceous ...
So maybe he would not be covered even if that should include Jurassic.


----------



## BensonhoistLesbianChoir

Lame, but a bit funny too!


----------



## Rhythm




----------



## aimee




----------



## Donata




----------



## Rhythm




----------



## aimee




----------



## Rhythm




----------



## aimee




----------



## Rhythm




----------



## aimee




----------



## Rhythm

If the print is too small in the last frame^, the angel said, "You should practice hands separate, more slowly, and with the metronome."

The devil said, "Just add more pedal."


----------



## aimee




----------



## Rhythm




----------



## aimee




----------



## Lunasong




----------



## Rhythm




----------



## aimee




----------



## Lunasong

Q)What does a flute player eat for breakfast?
A) Flute Loops.

Q) What do you call it when a flute player shows off?
A) Flauting it.

"You know that I become quite powerless whenever I am obliged to write for an instrument which I cannot bear."
--Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, in a letter to his father, after being commissioned to compose flute music.


----------



## Rhythm




----------



## aimee




----------



## Richannes Wrahms

opus67 said:


> Frasier said:
> 
> 
> 
> Just listening to Mozart's Lavabo for Spaghetto, K622.
> 
> Edit - sorry, I meant his Spaghetto for Lavabo, K622
> 
> 
> 
> One of my favourite Spaghettos.
Click to expand...

.........................................


----------



## aimee




----------



## Lunasong




----------



## Donata

This is slightly creepy.


----------



## senza sordino

aimee said:


>


I get the joke, but perhaps the most unusual thing is the left handed violin player. When did you ever see a left handed classical violin player?


----------



## stevens

Hip hop piano:


----------



## Badinerie

Dont know if its in these 50 pages or not, my fave is.

How many Soprano's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None...she simply holds the light bulb while the world revolves around her.


----------



## aimee




----------



## Rhythm




----------



## aimee




----------



## aimee




----------



## aimee

:devil: ​


----------



## Rhythm

:lol:


----------



## Rhythm




----------



## aimee




----------



## Rhythm




----------



## ComposerOfAvantGarde

Rhythm said:


>


Seems rather a mistake to put the prelude to BWV995 on the front, not written for organ at all!!! (But I love the double entendre)


----------



## aimee




----------



## Rhythm




----------



## Rhythm




----------



## DrMuller

Rhythm said:


>


hahahaha. Ok, I laughed out load.


----------



## aimee




----------



## Donata

Lol!


----------



## Rhythm




----------



## Lunasong

Lot of memes and cartoons; how about some jokes?

Q) What do you buy for a trombone player who has everything?
A) Antibiotics.

Q) What's the difference between a lawnmower and a sax player? 
A) One cuts grass, one smokes it.

Q) How do you get a percussionist to leave your doorstep? 
A) Tell him to beat it.

Q) What do you call a musician who steals sheet music? 
A) A clef-to maniac.

Q) What is a threat made when musicians exchange Baroque vinyl?
A) You scratch my Bach and I'll scratch yours.


----------



## Lunasong

Q) How is music like baseball?
A) In both the pitch is important.

Q) Unlike guitarists, why are woodwinds never concerned with minor details?
A) Woodwinds don't fret.

Q) What’s the difference between a viola and a cattle guard?
A) You drive slowly over the cattle guard.

Q) What is the pre-programmed message on a lead trumpet player’s Emergency MedAlert button?
A) Help, I’m playing…and I can’t cut off!

Q) What’s the difference between a tuba player and a dead guy who was once strung out on drugs and wore weird clothing and had no purpose in life and lived in his parent’s basement and had no money?
A) The dead guy is dead.


----------



## Lunasong

*Viola Dictionary*

*accidentals*: as applied to the viola - wrong notes. 
*ad libitum*: a premiere of a new viola piece.
*arpeggio*: The result of an overshoot of note intervals when a viola student tries to play a scale.
*bass clef*: where you land up if you fall off the alto clef.
*beat*: what viola students do to each other with their instruments. The down beat is performed more on top of the head, while the up beat is struck under the chin.
*broken consort*: when the viola player in the ensemble has to leave to go to the bathroom. 
*cadence*: when everybody hopes you're going to stop, but a viola carries on.
*cantus firmus*: the part a violist gets when he can still play only four notes.
*cello*: the proper way for a dreaming violist to answer the phone.
*clef*: something to jump from before a viola solo.
*glissando*: a technique adopted by viola players for difficult runs. 
*half step*: the pace used by a viola player when carrying his instrument.
*isorhythmic motet*: when half of the viola section got given a different edition from the other half. 
*lamentoso*: viola solo so bad that it should be accompanied with handkerchiefs.
*order of sharps*: what a viola player gets at the bar. 
*passing tone*: a piece of paper frequently seen being handed over by back desk violists, trying to flirt with a nearby wind player. 
*preparatory beat*: a threat made to the viola section in especial i.e., play, or else....
*portamento*: fanciful journey to a foreign country a violist has always wanted to experience, but doesn't know how to get there. 
*quarter tone*: a most useful note, more widely played by means of intuition by viola players than by any other instrument. 
*quaver*: with what you begin the fourth year viola class.
*repeat*: what a violist does until he is finally expelled
*ritard*: there's one in every family, but probably various in a violist's family.
*senza sordino*: a term used to remind the viola player that he forgot to put his mute on a few measures/bars back.
*subito piano*: indicates an opportunity for the back desks of violas to become soloists.
*tenor*: 1) two hours before a nooner. 2) A normal viola player's fee.
*tutti*: as applied to viola - a lot of fakers at the same moment. 
*whole note*: what's due to be paid by a violist after failing to pay the mortgagefor a year. 
*vibrato*: a most interesting effect used by violists to hide the fact that they are on the wrong pitch.


----------



## aimee




----------



## aimee




----------



## senza sordino

aimee said:


>


Probably a Dvorak symphony! :lol:


----------



## Rhythm




----------



## aimee




----------



## Richannes Wrahms




----------



## Rhythm

*There is this... For that ^*

:lol: ^ :lol: ^ :lol:


----------



## Rhythm




----------



## aimee




----------



## aimee




----------



## aimee

senza sordino said:


> aimee said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I get the joke, but perhaps the most unusual thing is the left handed violin player. *When did you ever see a left handed classical violin player?*
Click to expand...

senza sordino,

I've never seen a left-handed violin player but today I've bumped into this video clip coincidentally & watched the clip with admiration.
*He* was so amazing with his extremely limited conditions!

It seems nothing is impossible in this world.


----------



## Lunasong

Two funnies I ran across today...

On the radio: The DJ said, "This next piece is by Arnold Schoenberg. But before you lean over to change the channel, give this a chance... (it was _Brettl-Lieder_).

On Reddit/r/horn: a discussion about a bride who wanted horn music at her wedding. Not just one piece, but the processional, recessional, and another piece.
*post: The bride is obviously a bamf, otherwise she would not have requested horn solos for a wedding.
*OP: She likes to live dangerously.


----------



## Rhythm




----------



## aimee

..........Verdi vs. Wagner
Italian music vs. German music


----------



## aimee




----------



## Lunasong

*WORLD'S GREAT UNSUNG OPERAS*

Newspaper heading-type summaries of various operas...

•	Roll-your-own **** girl in stadium stabbing (Carmen)
•	Surprise winner of the Eurovision song contest (Die Meistersinger)
•	Oriental child bride in tug-of-love suicide (Madame Butterfly)
•	Trainee shortage threatens East Coast fishing industry (Peter Grimes)
•	Former call girl dies in love nest (La Traviata)
•	Police slayer in prison roof death plunge (Tosca)
•	Cadet officer in country house bedroom sex change frolic (Marriage of Figaro)
•	Good Neighbour policy fails to save Paris TB victim (La Boheme)
•	Three die in mixed marriage handkerchief muddle (Otello)
•	Incest offspring to marry aunt (Siegfried)


----------



## Lunasong




----------



## aimee




----------



## aimee

...and more from Musical notations - as described by cats


----------



## Rhythm




----------



## Rhythm




----------



## Rhythm




----------



## aimee




----------



## aimee




----------



## muzik

Polednice said:


> John Cage.
> 
> TROLOLOLOL.


can someone please explain this joke to me...


----------



## DiesIraeCX

muzik said:


> can someone please explain this joke to me...


I was wondering that myself, my best guess is that he's saying John Cage *is *the joke.


----------



## Lunasong




----------



## DiesIraeCX

Lunasong said:


>


I bet he's playing Beethoven's "Hammerklavier" Sonata, got frustrated with its difficulty and decided to start running over people. Seems to be the only logical explanation.


----------



## Lunasong

An anecdote from Justin Locke's book _Real Men Don't Rehearse: Adventures in the Secret World of Professional Orchestras_

The Boston Pops was playing a concert in a relatively small town somewhere in Massachusetts, with Arthur Fieldler conducting. They eventually came to the final piece of the program, which in this case happened to be Tchaikovsky's _1812 Overture._ The orchestra began to play the piece, just as they had played it hundreds of times before.

At first everything was going along fine. But then, about 20 bars into the piece, this percussionist, well, I'm not sure how else to put it:

He threw up.

Mind you, he didn't throw up in the dressing room, and he didn't throw up off-stage.

He threw up..._on_ the stage.

Obviously, this is not something you would want to happen at any elegant event, much less an elegant event like a Pops concert, but orchestral musicians are human beings, and human beings, on occasion, do such things.

One would hope that this percussionist would have the sense to do this deed behind a set of chimes, but wherever he did it, it was in full view of Arthur Fieldler, who immediately started to yell at this guy (quite audibly, by the way) to get off the stage. In response, the percussionist waved an apologetic hand motion at Arthur, and then he did indeed walk off stage.

At this juncture, I think it is important to note that in the world of professional orchestras, once you start playing the _1812 Overture_ (or any other piece of music, for that matter), you _do not stop - for anything._ So the rest of the musicians kept right on playing, in spite of the gastronomic malfunction and labor/management dramatics that had just transpired.

With the percussionist now safely off stage, things returned somewhat to normal, or as least as normal as they can be in such circumstances. But about 50 bars later, that very same percussionist came back out on the stage...carrying a mop and a bucket. And he proceeded to clean up the mess he had made.

At this point, Arthur was turning three shades of indigo with veins popping out on this forehead. All the while the percussionist was making more of his little hand-waving signals, expressing his sincere apologies for having thrown up on stage in the first place--all this, in the middle of _1812._ And of course, while all the other musicians in the orchestra were experiencing internal hysterics, every single one of them kept doing what professional musicians must always do in these situations: they kept right on playing (beautifully, I might add), pretending that nothing out of the ordinary was happening.

The percussionist got everything cleaned up, went off stage again, put everything away, and then, with a completely straight face, came back out to play his part in the big ending with all the chimes, cannons, tympani, cymbals, and snare drums.


----------



## aimee




----------



## aimee




----------



## SeptimalTritone

http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Anton_Webern


----------



## Rhythm




----------



## Rhythm




----------



## aimee




----------



## DiesIraeCX




----------



## ComposerOfAvantGarde

Lunasong said:


>


Grand Theft Piano is my kind of game


----------



## omega

A very stupid one...

Why is an alto called _Bratsch_ in German?
It's the noise it makes when you sit on it.


----------



## aimee




----------



## Rhythm




----------



## Rhythm




----------



## Rhythm




----------



## aimee




----------



## Lunasong




----------



## Lunasong




----------



## aimee




----------



## aimee




----------



## omega

Lunasong said:


>


Sacrilege! I'm joking, oboe is cool, too.


----------



## Brad




----------



## Lunasong




----------



## Lunasong

*augmented fifth*: a 36-ounce bottle.
*diatonic*: low-calorie Schweppes
*diminished fifth*: an empty bottle of Jack Daniels.
*perfect fifth*: a full bottle of Jack Daniels.
*supertonic*: the drink of Schweppes for the orchestral interval.

This is... the *Orchestra Rehearsal Drinking Game*!

This game is tailored for the stage left brass (trumpets, bones, tuba)**OF COURSE**, so edits must be made for the other sections if you want to play along.

+ Take a shot every time you count through a long rest, inhale to play a line, and are cut off by the conductor.

+ If you play beyond a cutoff, one sip per bar.
_If it's been a slow rehearsal, you can do one sip per bar of the last person in the orchestra to stop.
_
+ Take a shot if the conductor asks to hear winds and brass, but the only ones playing at that section are winds and horns.

+ Take a sip if offbeats end up slipping to the onbeat behind them.

+ Take a shot if offbeats push to the onbeat in front of them.

+ If your conductor has a favourite word for rehearsal marks, take a sip for each time you hear it.
_Let's take it at M for Mozart. Wait... no, N for Nielsen._

+ Of course, take a sip every time you're told brass is too loud.

+ Got someone famous for being super loud? Like, a lead trumpet or bone with an enormous ego and volume? Finish your drink if they're told to play louder.
_Inspired by our principal tuba, who can... well... PLAY the TUBA._

+ One sip per late string/woodwind player to the rehearsal. A shot for a late brasser/percussionist... HOW DARE THEY.

+ Take a shot for a violin line that goes so high, it becomes less of a pitch and more of a creak.

+ Take a shot if someone is audibly eating during rehearsal.

+ Anyone who has technical issues, like sticking valves, has to take a sip.
_Inspired by a trombonist who was missing their water key... like actually, the hole is there, but the key is not, so he has a cloth perpetually tied around it._

+ Take a sip every time three or more horns look at the rest of the brass section funny.

+ Finish your drink if the room goes silent.
_HAH. Good luck. _

+ If you've got a potty-mouth in the group, sip per swear word.
_Looking at you, lead trombone._

+ Take a sip per string player doodling while instructions are being given.
_I wonder if they think they're too quiet to be noticed?_

+ And finally, one sip per second before anyone can answer the world-famous question: who has the melody right now?


----------



## Lunasong

The story George Plimpton tells about when he played percussion with Leonard Bernstein and the New York Philharmonic is hilarious.

http://books.google.com/books?id=90...6AEwBA#v=onepage&q=plimpton orchestra&f=false
*Music: An Address at a New York Philharmonic Lunch*
starts on page 74.

_One reason it was terrifying was that in music you cannot make a mistake. If you make a mistake, a big one, you destroy a work of art. _ 
You must check out the link to read about George's mistake. The full story includes drinking. And percussion.


----------



## musicphotogAnimal

How can you tell the difference between a hockey puck and a viola?
A hockey puck is useful for three periods...and an encore or two or three...
You can make use of a hockey puck. 
The hockey puck is crucial to the "score".


----------



## xria

this is my favourite


----------



## xria

haha. the best background dancer!


----------



## Rhythm




----------



## aimee




----------



## aimee

:devil: ​


----------



## Rhythm




----------



## aimee




----------



## Rhythm




----------



## aimee

and follow this....


----------



## HaydnBearstheClock

------------------------


----------



## HaydnBearstheClock

--------------------
View attachment 49427


----------



## HaydnBearstheClock

-------------------------

View attachment 49430


View attachment 49431


View attachment 49433


----------



## HaydnBearstheClock

---------------------------


----------



## Donata




----------



## science

Rhythm said:


>


Five!

Should've gone to a Scriabin sonata rather than a Bach suite.


----------



## Rhythm

^^^ Well, now that he's out of detention, maybe he'll remember classical concert etiquette.










*We can only hope*.​


----------



## Serge

A composer, a musician, and a conductor walk into a bar. And the barman asks: What should I get you?


----------



## HaydnBearstheClock

Serge said:


> A composer, a musician, and a conductor walk into a bar. And the barman asks: What should I get you?


I don't get it somehow - is this the 'unfinished' joke?


----------



## Serge

HaydnBearstheClock said:


> I don't get it somehow - is this the 'unfinished' joke?


No, but it surely is lame.


----------



## Serge

HaydnBearstheClock said:


> I don't get it somehow - is this the 'unfinished' joke?


Wait, I know. And then all three say: A Messiaen, please.


----------



## Lunasong

I'm continuing a theme I started a couple weeks ago...


"Our drinking section has a serious tuba problem." - Unknown college student


Why is the tuba considered the hardest instrument to play? 
You have to give them credit; it's a lot harder to read music when you're consistently drunk. 


A percussionist walked into orchestra rehearsal one night carrying a big bottle of vodka. After sitting down and taking a few swigs, he put one of his drumsticks into the bottle and left it in the back. One of the trombone players saw it and decided to sneak a drink. The percussionist caught him and was ready to start swinging when the conductor broke it up. "You can't bring alcohol in here! And why did you put your stick in the bottle, anyway?" he asked. The drummer replied, "Well, the bassoon player brings her shot glass every week! I figured she put her reed in it so no one else would drink it!"


----------



## aimee




----------



## Rhythm

Me thinks his technique needs refinement


----------



## aimee

how about playing this kind of harp...


----------



## senza sordino

Come on, throw the stick
View attachment 50168


----------



## aimee




----------



## ribonucleic

The will of the late conductor Giuseppe Sinopoli established a trust to fund the performances of contemporary works. However, the plan failed when performers declined to accept the grants - citing the worthlessness of Sinopoli money.


----------



## Lunasong




----------



## Rhythm

^^ Yep. A moment for finger fumbles :lol:


----------



## aimee




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## aimee




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## Rhythm




----------



## MoonlightSonata

Someone could collect all these jokes and maybe publish them somewhere: "The Talk Classical Jokes Collection".
(I would, but I don't have time, unfortunately)


----------



## aimee




----------



## Lunasong

"The piano has been drinking, not me." -- Tom Waits

"Composers shouldn't think too much--it interferes with their plagiarism." -- Howard Dietz

"My choice early in life was either to be a piano-player in a whorehouse or a politician. And to tell the truth, there's hardly any difference." -- Harry S Truman

"You don't need any brains to listen to music." -- Luciano Pavarotti

"Aunt Marion was right... Never marry a musician, and never answer the door." -- Charles M. Schulz

"An intellectual snob is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture and not think of The Lone Ranger." --Dan Rather

"Only become a musician if there is absolutely no other way you can make a living." -- Kirke Mecham

"Oh how wonderful, really wonderful opera would be if there were no singers!" -- Gioacchino Rossini

"As a musician I tell you that if you were to suppress adultery, fanaticism, crime, evil, the supernatural, there would no longer be the means for writing one note. " -- Georges Bizet

"Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung." --Voltaire

"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats." -- Albert Schweitzer 

"When a piece gets difficult, make faces." -- Arthur Schnabel

"Music is everybody's possession. Only publishers think that people own it." -- John Lennon


----------



## Rhythm




----------



## Blancrocher

Rhythm said:


>


That reminds me of a quite memorable performance of 4'33''


----------



## Rhythm

^ You and me, both :lol:


----------



## sangg

What is a zombies favourite pianist? 
Vladimir Horror-witz.

What do you get when you cross a police and some soil?
Copland.


----------



## aimee




----------



## Vaneyes

Rhythm said:


>


This photo must've accompanied a newspaper's financial assessment and guide for early retirement.


----------



## Rhythm

^^ Or, a collection of prophetic sign posts  Oh. Look. Here's another. (It won't display in here, so the link'll have to do.)


----------



## Ingélou

sangg said:


> What do you get when you cross a police and some soil?
> Copland.


... when you cross a policeman & some soil, then turn on a blow-dryer.

*Air 'n'* Copland.


----------



## hpowders

What do you call a one stop boutique where you can do your delivery services, fulfill all your insurance needs and have a musical piece composed for your child's birthday?

Courier & Ives


----------



## Wood

hpowders said:


> What do you call a one stop boutique where you can do your delivery services, fulfill all your insurance needs and have a musical piece composed for your child's birthday?
> 
> *Courier & Ives*


I thought that is where Science goes when he wants to sample the local low life.


----------



## mitchflorida

Why did the violinist cross the road?

To get to the other side.


----------



## TurnaboutVox

Vaneyes said:


> This photo must've accompanied a newspaper's financial assessment and guide for early retirement.


I think this might actually be the Quartetto Italiano after some members' unkind comments about their looks on the 'Current Listening' thread a little while ago...


----------



## OldFashionedGirl




----------



## hpowders

TurnaboutVox said:


> I think this might actually be the Quartetto Italiano after some members' unkind comments about their looks on the 'Current Listening' thread a little while ago...


I think those guys forgot their reading glasses and were simply checking for the word _STRADIVARIUS._


----------



## Lunasong

A nice series of army jokes, collected together for effect.

Q: What do you get if you run over an army officer with a steam roller?
A: A flat major.

Q: What do you say to an army officer as you're about to run him or her over with a steam roller?
A: Be flat, major.

Q: What do you say after you run an army officer over with a steam roller?
A: See flat major.

Q: What do you get when an army officer puts his nose to the grindstone?
A: A sharp major.


----------



## aimee




----------



## Taggart

This thread is called "The most incredibly lame classical music jokes". You must, therefore, expect "bad" jokes. If, however, you disagree with the political or religious views of the person represented, then please refrain from discussing this here. All political or religious discussion not related to classical music must be confined to social groups.

Some posts have been removed because of this. Please refrain from discussing politics or religion in the main forums.


----------



## aimee




----------



## sangg

mitchflorida said:


> Why did the violinist cross the road?
> 
> To get to the other side.


Why did the orchestra cross the road?

To create a violin concerto with the violinist.


----------



## aimee




----------



## Lunasong




----------



## transparently

Person 1: Gone Chopin, be Bach soon! 
Person 2: Don't forget your Liszt!


----------



## aimee




----------



## OldFashionedGirl




----------



## brianvds

_______________________________________________


----------



## aimee




----------



## Rhythm




----------



## Rhythm




----------



## Lunasong

NEWS (the news itself is a VIOLA joke)


----------



## Pyotr

*A Retirees Story*

This actually happened to a TC member who's name I won't mention but he recently was seen under the Arc de Triomphe.

One day a man decided to retire...









He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.









After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.









In disbelief, he asks,"Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.









While the woman ties up the row boat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down. Would you like a drink?"

"No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"Oh it's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I built a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you played around?" She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes, "You've built a Golf Course too?"


----------



## brianvds

Don't know enough about opera to know if this is funny:










And then there is this:


----------



## aimee




----------



## trazom

Violist to pianist: What's the name of that Beethoven piece that starts with a trill?

Pianist: A trill? I have no idea, sorry.

Violist: Surely you've heard it before, it's famous.

Pianist: Can you sing it to me?

Violist: Okay...*violist sings opening of Fur Elise*


Edit for those that don't get it: It plays off the stereotype that violists are typically second-rate musicians/have poor technique so the beginning would sound like a trill to them.


----------



## Donata

Beethoven was so deaf he wrote loud music.

Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died from this. 

How do you fix a broken brass instrument?
With tuba glue. 

Q: If you were lost in the woods, whom would you ask for directions — an in-tune oboe player, an out-of-tune oboe player, or Santa Claus? 
A: The out-of-tune oboe player. The other two are hallucinations.


----------



## Richannes Wrahms

...............


----------



## Donata




----------



## Donata

"Hey Mr Noisy Wooden Circle man, play a song for me."


----------



## Clairvoyance Enough

Handel sits down in a diner and the waiter asks "How would you like your eggs?"

"With the yolk over ea-heh-hee-hee-hee-easy."

"How about some water with your coffeee?"

"Only if it's PUR-i-FIED, if it is PURIF-hi-hi-hi-HIDE"

...been on a Handel kick lately and that's all I got.


----------



## sangg

What is a zombie's favourite composer?
Gore-cki


----------



## aimee




----------



## Lunasong

Women are like pianos. When they’re not upright, they’re grand.

There was once a trumpet player who practiced 5 hours daily and was very conceited. He liked to toot his horn.

Organists really know how to throw a party. They pull out all the stops.

A clarinet player got in a car crash. It was her reed's fault.

There once was a violist who dreamed she was playing in an orchestra and when she woke up, she was playing in an orchestra.


THE ULTIMATE MUSICIANS' JOKE
Q: How many players of a certain instrument does it take to perform a particular rudimentary musical activity?
A: One to perform the activity, and the rest to exhibit a crude behavior related to some characteristic of the instrument.


----------



## Lunasong

The Wit of Maestro Eugene Ormandy

Eugene Ormandy, during his many years as Music Director and Principal Conductor of the Philadelphia Orchestra, was known to blurt out a humorous remark every now and then. The following is a collection of these witticisms collected by members of the Philadelphia Orchestra. 
[Actually, some of these make perfect sense if you imagine them in the middle of an orchestral rehearsal...]
1.	Congratulations to each and every one of you for the concert last night in New York and vice versa.
2.	Who is sitting in that empty chair?
3.	I'm conducting slowly because I don't know the tempo.
4.	I conduct faster so you can see my beat.
5.	I cannot give it to you, so try to watch me.
6.	I was trying to help you, so I was beating wrong.
7.	I am thinking it right but beating it wrong.
8.	I can conduct better than I count.
9.	I guess you thought I was conducting, but I wasn't.
10.	I purposely didn't do anything, and you were all behind.
11.	Even when you are not playing you are holding me back.
12.	Don't ever follow me, because I am difficult.
13.	It is not as difficult as I thought it was, but it is harder than it is.
14.	The notes are right, but if I listened they would be wrong.
15.	I wrote it the right way, so it was copied the wrong way right. I mean the right way wrong.
16.	At every concert I've sensed a certain insecurity about the tempo. It's clearly marked 80...uh, 69.
17.	Watch me closely. Only one can spoil it.
18.	Someone came in too sooner.
19.	Start beforty-two.
20.	Start three bars before something.
21.	Start at B. No. Yes. No. Yes. No.
22.	Did you play? It sounded very good.
23.	Intonation is important, especially when it's cold.
24.	Beauty is less important than quality.
25.	If you don't have it in your part, leave it out, because there's enough missing already.
26.	Percussion a little louder. ("We don't have anything.") That's right. Play it louder.
27.	More basses, because you are so far away.
28.	I need one more bass less.
29.	There are no woodwinds at number 6. ("We're at number 15.") I know. That is why.
30.	(To a tubist) Long note? Yes. Make it seem short.
31.	Brass, stay down all summer.
32.	Don't play louder, just give more.
33.	Accelerando means in tempo. Don't rush.
34.	I don't want to repeat this a hundred times. When you see crescendo, it means p.
35.	The tempo remains pp.
36.	It's difficult to remember when you haven't played it before.
37.	We can't hear the balance because the soloist is still on the airplane.
38.	Please follow me because I have to follow him, and he isn't here.
39.	Without him here, it is impossible to know how fast he will play it, approximately.
40.	With us tonight is William Warfield, who is with us tonight.
41.	He is a wonderful man, and so is his wife.
42.	Bizet was a very young man when he wrote this symphony, so play it soft.
43.	Mahler wrote it as the third movement of his Fourth Symphony. I mean the fourth movement of his First Symphony. We play it third. The trumpet solo will be played by our solo trumpet player. It's named _Blumine_, which has something to do with flowers.
44.	(On the death of David Oistrakh) I told him he'd have a heart attack a year ago, but unfortunately he lived a year longer.
45.	Serkin was so sick he almost died for three days.
46.	(On William Kapell's death) Death is a terrible thing. I don't believe in it myself.
47.	This is a very democratic organization, so let's take a vote. All those who disagree with me, raise their hands.
48.	It's all very well to have principles, but when it comes to money, you have to be flexible.
49.	Thank you for your cooperation, and vice versa.
50.	I mean what I meant.
51.	I never say what I mean, but I always manage to say something similar.
52.	I don't mean to make you nervous, but unfortunately I have to.
53.	Relax, don't be nervous. My God, it's the Philadelphia Orchestra.


----------



## SeptimalTritone

An encyclopedia article on Milton Babbitt.


----------



## Mahlerian

SeptimalTritone said:


> An encyclopedia article on Milton Babbitt.


I don't get why people think inversion was some sort of hideous, unmusical thing that Schoenberg introduced to music. Bach and Bruckner do it all the time. Still, I laud the effort it took to put that joke together!


----------



## SeptimalTritone

Mahlerian said:


> I don't get why people think inversion was some sort of hideous, unmusical thing that Schoenberg introduced to music. Bach and Bruckner do it all the time. Still, I laud the effort it took to put that joke together!


Indeed: wasn't the point of inversion and retrogration (as part of the 12 tone method) in order to have variety, yet musicality?

And speaking of inversion... the first movement of Brahms's second symphony with that little turn figure... man alive.


----------



## MoonlightSonata

SeptimalTritone said:


> An encyclopedia article on Milton Babbitt.


There are other composer articles on there, like Beethoven, Mozart, Bach, Schoenberg, Debussy etc.


----------



## MoonlightSonata

I quite like the article on Music Theory, too.


----------



## SeptimalTritone

You might get a kick out of Anton Webern's article too


----------



## MoonlightSonata

Glass',  Stravinsky's and Reich's are rather good.


----------



## aleazk

Mahlerian said:


> I don't get why people think inversion was some sort of hideous, unmusical thing that Schoenberg introduced to music. Bach and Bruckner do it all the time. Still, I laud the effort it took to put that joke together!


Mahlerian, Mahlerian, didn't you learn anything from the people that constantly say to us that the music we love is unlovable? The missing variable is simple!: your examples are tonal music, while Babbitt is... *sigh*... atonal. _And we know what that means!_


----------



## Lunasong




----------



## Lunasong

joke posted on reddit:

I was at the dentist's office sitting in the chair when a piece started playing on the office music system.
Dentist: You're too young to know what this is.
Me: What, the _William Tell_ Overture?
Dentist: No, the theme to _The Lone Ranger._

Q: Where does the Lone Ranger take his rubbish?
A: To the dump, to the dump, to the dump-dump-dump...


----------



## Lunasong




----------



## Richannes Wrahms

Mahlerian said:


> I laud the effort it took to put that joke together!


You have to admit that they were pretty accurate with the work of*Alma's beloved.



uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Gustav_Mahler said:


> ...
> Symphony No. 2, "Reanimation," for orchestra, choir, 3-5 adjacent churches, really big organ, bell tower, undead vocal soloists, trumpeter who shows up late for the gig and has to play off-stage and two woolly mammoths flanking the stage.
> 
> Symphony No. 3, "The World," for orchestra, unchained trombone soloist, boy band choir, "ding-dong" chorus, typewriter and stenographer, four Austrian mountains in surround, and whoever has two hours to spare.
> 
> Symphony No. 4, "Sleigh Ride," for orchestra, out-of-tune violinist, and sugar-high soprano doubling religious gourmet chef.
> 
> Symphony No. 8, "Symphony of 6.0221415×10^23," for the entire population of Western Europe, the New Zealand National Aboriginal rugby team, whisky distillery and full orchestra
> ...


*your


----------



## Lunasong

Brass Players Rules of Engagement/Behaviour

* Always show up late for rehearsal. It lets the conductor know how much he needs you.
* Don't practice too much ahead of time. You don't want to "peak" too soon.
* If you take a pencil to rehearsal, take enough for everybody...and make sure the eraser is worn down. It helps give the music an antique look.
* Always ad lib and take things up an octave. It shows initiative, and the composer would probably be grateful.
* Always laugh out loud when someone misses a note. Humiliation builds character.
* Always chew gum during rehearsal. It shows everyone that you can do two things at one time.
* Never count during long rests. Rely on your neighbour to tell you when to play.
* Always be the last one to cut off. Someone has to.
* Always slouch in your chair. It shows you are relaxed.
* Never play absolutely in tune. It sounds funny.
* Always raise your hand during rehearsal and ask a stupid question. It helps kill time, and gives everyone a chance to stare at you.
* Always make strange noises through your instrument. It draws attention to yourself.
* Always beat your foot in time with a piece other than what you are playing.
* Never let anyone play louder than you.


----------



## senza sordino

Lunasong said:


> Brass Players Rules of Engagement/Behaviour
> 
> * Always show up late for rehearsal. It lets the conductor know how much he needs you.
> * Don't practice too much ahead of time. You don't want to "peak" too soon.
> * If you take a pencil to rehearsal, take enough for everybody...and make sure the eraser is worn down. It helps give the music an antique look.
> * Always ad lib and take things up an octave. It shows initiative, and the composer would probably be grateful.
> * Always laugh out loud when someone misses a note. Humiliation builds character.
> * Always chew gum during rehearsal. It shows everyone that you can do two things at one time.
> * Never count during long rests. Rely on your neighbour to tell you when to play.
> * Always be the last one to cut off. Someone has to.
> * Always slouch in your chair. It shows you are relaxed.
> * Never play absolutely in tune. It sounds funny.
> * Always raise your hand during rehearsal and ask a stupid question. It helps kill time, and gives everyone a chance to stare at you.
> * Always make strange noises through your instrument. It draws attention to yourself.
> * Always beat your foot in time with a piece other than what you are playing.
> * Never let anyone play louder than you.


These are hysterical and appropriate for all orchestra members. The glares from my conductor to a member who doesn't cut off with everyone else but continues the play are priceless.


----------



## Donata




----------



## Lunasong

Flute pool? That equals this.


----------



## Lunasong

Needs more silence.


----------



## MoonlightSonata

Lunasong said:


> Needs more silence.


How do you crescendo a rest?!


----------



## aimee




----------



## Pyotr

Happy Halloween Everyone!


----------



## Donata

Orchestra trying to play after eating the world's hottest chile pepper. They did surprisingly better than I thought they would.


----------



## Lunasong

What a strange and original promotion for their group.
***

A musician goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, “What’ll it be, buddy?”

The man says, “Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles.” The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he’s doing all this drinking.

“You’d drink them this fast too if you had what I have.”

The bartender hastily asks, “What do you have, pal?”

The musician quickly replies, “I have a dollar.”


----------



## Lunasong

I was saving this one to post but now I'm a day late.


----------



## Donata

I guess this would be both cool and comfortable. LOL!


----------



## Lunasong

Dateline: GRAND TRAVERSE COUNTY, MI, USA Oct 21,2014

Deputies responded at about 10:30 a.m. Monday, Oct. 20 to a Blair Township residence on a report of a man, standing in a garage, pointing a firearm at surrounding houses.

A caller to 911 said the man also was shooting at a can in the road.

The caller told dispatchers the man was "wearing camo pants and a clown mask and at one point was *playing a trombone*."

Deputies arrived at the scene, determined the man was drunk, and arrested the man on the personal protection order violation.

No one was injured.


----------



## Lunasong

_First Soloist: _Did you notice how my sound filled the hall tonight?
_Second Soloist:_ Yes, I noticed several people leaving to make room for it.

_Vocalist: _I'm going away to study singing.
_Friend: _Good! How far away?

A young woman arrived late at a concert to find the inner door closed. She showed her ticket to an usher and asked to be let in.
"I'm sorry ma'am," said the usher. "I can't open this door until intermission."
"But I won't disturb anyone," promised the young woman. "Ill just stand at the back of the auditorium and listen." 
"Sorry ma'am."
"But they're playing a new symphony that I'm particularly anxious to hear," the young woman said pleadingly.
"That's just it, ma'am," sighed the usher. "If I opened the door now, half the audience would rush out."


----------



## Lunasong




----------



## aimee




----------



## Donata

What do you get if you cross Rice Krispies with a symphony orchestra?
Snap, Crackle, Pops.


----------



## Lunasong

More Guns - only in the USA...

DATELINE: Clifton, CO, Sept 12, 2014

A 60 year old woman was arrested after menacing several children in a neighboring backyard with a rifle because she was upset that an 11-year old boy was *playing his clarinet* outside.

Sheriff deputies said that Ms. Pifer appeared to be in a state of considerable intoxication at the time of arrest and that they believe she had been drinking prior to their arrival.


----------



## Donata

A sign of the times.


----------



## Lunasong

Q: What is the missing link between the bass and the ape?
A: The baritone.

Q: What do you call very bad unaccompanied vocals?
A: A-crapella!

Q: What do you call a singer made of sodium hydroxide?
A: A bass (hint: think science)

Did you hear about the woman who couldn't find a singing partner? She had to buy a duet yourself kit.

A tenor goes to the Doctor and writes on a note: "Doctor please help me, I've lost my voice". The doctor tells him to place his hand flat on the table and then proceeds to smack his hand with a ball-peen hammer. "AAAAAAAAAAAH", shouted the tenor...
"Very good", said the doctor. "Come back tomorrow and we'll try B...

*Alto's Lament​*​
It's awful being an alto when you're singing in the choir, 
Sopranos get the twiddly bits that people all admire, 
The basses boom like big trombones, the tenors shout with glee, 
The alto part is on two notes, or if you're lucky, three.

And when we sing an anthem and lift our hearts in praises, 
The men get all the juicy bits and telling little phrases. 
Of course, the trebles sing the tune - they always come off best - 
While altos only get three notes and twenty-two bars rest.

It doesn't matter what we sing, from hymnbooks or from psalter, 
The choirmaster looks at us - our voices start to falter; 
Too high! Too low! Too fast! Too slow! You hold that note too long! 
It doesn't matter what we do, it's certain to be wrong.

Oh! shed a tear for altos: they're the Marthas and they know 
In ranks of choral singers they're considered very low. 
They are so very humble that a lot of folk forget 'em: 
They'd love to be sopranos, but their vocal chords won't let 'em.

And when the final trumpet sounds and we are wafted higher, 
Sopranos, tenors, basses, all will form the heavenly choir. 
When they sing Alleluias to celestial flats and sharps, 
We altos in the corner will be polishing our harps.


----------



## Lunasong

The music professor wanted her new baby to grow up appreciating modern music, so every time she brought out the bottle she played Arnold Schoenberg and Paul Hindemith on the nursery stereo, and every time she took the bottle away she played Bach and Mozart.

Sure enough, the child is now 20 years old and he hates milk.


----------



## aimee




----------



## SeptimalTritone

^ Replace TONALITY with MUSIC and the shirt becomes perfect.


----------



## hpowders

Conductor Jerzy Maksymiuk has an advantage over the rest of us males. When he has a son,

instead of naming him Jerzy Maksymiuk Junior, he can simply name him, New Jerzy.


----------



## Lunasong

A lady calls the musicians' union to inquire about the cost of booking a five-piece band with a singer for a wedding. The union rep says, "Off the top of my head, roughly two thousand dollars."
She says, "What? For MUSIC ?"
The rep responds, "Ma'am, I'll tell you what. Call the plumbers' union and ask for six plumbers to work from six to twelve o'clock on a Saturday night. Whatever they charge you, we'll work for half."


----------



## Lunasong

Q: Why do trumpet players leave the door unlocked?
A: So they can come in whenever they like.

Q: Why was the piano laughing? 
A: Because someone was tickling its ivories.

Q: What happened to the guy who fell through a harp?
A: He is in the hospital; rooms 25 to 40.

Q: Why do mandolins have 8 strings?
A: To increase the odds that one of them is in tune.


----------



## Lunasong




----------



## aimee




----------



## Lunasong




----------



## dgee

One of the best music laughs I've had for a while:









Courtesy of Klangforum Wien!


----------



## Lunasong

A woman is late for her daughter's music recital, and it's crazy, like the mall on Black Friday...
She's desperately looking for a parking spot...and there's nothing.

She says, "Oh God, just let me find a parking spot and I'll devote myself to living better, being a better person, and will do anything you want me to do in service." 

Sure enough, she comes around the corner and THERE'S A PARKING SPOT.
She says, "Never mind God, I found one!"


----------



## ComposerOfAvantGarde

dgee said:


> One of the best music laughs I've had for a while:
> 
> View attachment 57632
> 
> 
> Courtesy of Klangforum Wien!


WHAT

WHAT

I don't event know if this is too _good_ to be true or not.


----------



## The nose

Love this guy.


----------



## Lunasong

From reddit: Identifying music...

*Find me what this music is.*
OP: This piece have string orchestra with wind instrument (oboe i think) solo. I don't remember the name of this music, but there's solo goes like this.
"ba bada baaaaa~ bada bada ba bada baaaa~ bada bada baaaaaa~"
It's one of the old music. Leave me name or link, thx

A: Gonna go out on a limb here and say Bolero by Ravel?

OP: thx That's the one I was looking for 

A: I'm more proud of this than I ought to be.


----------



## Lunasong

Murphy's Law and Other Principles of Music

•	Murphy's Law: If anything can go wrong, it will.
•	The Murphy Philosophy: Smile. Tomorrow will be worse.
•	O'Toole's Commentary: Murphy was an optimist.
•	Murphy's Law Extended: If a series of events goes wrong, it will do so in the worst possible sequence.
•	Evans' and Bjorn's Law: No matter what goes wrong, there is always someone who knew it would.
•	Murphy's Eighth Law: If everything seems to be going well, you have overlooked something.
•	Trotter's Law of Percussion Music: Percussionists will consistently lose their music as a concert approaches. Corollary: All parts will be lost at least once, and percussionists will not admit to losing any music until they are caught faking the parts.
•	The Uncertainty Principle: The location of all auxiliary percussion instruments cannot be known simultaneously. Corollary: If a lost percussion item is found, another will disappear.
•	Percussion Will Travel Principle: On every band trip one important piece of percussion equipment will be left at the school.
•	Percussion Won't Travel Principle: On every band trip one important piece of percussion equipment will be left at the performance site.
•	Diminishing Quality Rule to the Percussion Won't Travel Principle: At any festival one piece of percussion equipment will be switched with that of another school. Corollary: The one you take back will be of lower quality.
•	Law of Lost Drumsticks: Percussionists will lose sticks. Corollaries: 1. Percussionists always claim the sticks were stolen. 2. The lost sticks will be found the day after new ones are bought.
•	Stidman's Law of Doors: The largest of the timpani is always four inches wider than the door to the auditorium.
•	Murphy's Law on Instruments: An instrument always breaks at the worst possible time. Corollary: The instrument will belong to a first chair player.
•	Baldwin's Law: Instruments are easier to break than to fix.
•	Wyszkowski's Law: Anything will work if you fiddle with it long enough.
•	Principles of Instrument Repair: 1. The screwdriver of the correct size will be missing when it is needed to tighten a woodwind key. 2. When replacing a woodwind pad, all available pads will be the wrong size. 3. When a pad is accidentally dropped it will roll to the least accessible part of the bandroom.
•	Law of Diminishing Repairs: After restoring one key on a woodwind instrument, three others will malfunction.
•	Mouthpiece Inertia Principle: Brass mouthpieces are easier to jam than to dislodge.
•	Halbrook's Axiom: A stuck key will work perfectly when the repairman tries it.
•	Law of Selective Operation: Brass valves will stick on contest days. Corollaries: They will not stick when the conductor tries them. They will stick again when the student resumes playing.
•	Richard's Complimentary Rule of Ownership: If you keep anything long enough you can throw it away. If you throw anything away, you will need it the next day.
•	Communication Principle: When a conductor gives students letters for parents, 15% will be left on music stands, 25% will be inside the music, 15% will rot in instrument cases, 15% will be left in lockers, 15% will crawl under the student's bed, and 15% of the parents will receive the letter.
•	Tillis' Organisational Principle: If you file it, you'll know where it is but never need it. If you don't file it, you'll need it but never know where it is.
•	Rollin's Rule of Organisation: The more you plan, the greater is the confusion when things go wrong.
•	Copier Breakdown Principle: Copiers will break down when there is only one more copy to make.
•	Left-Right Principle: At least one person is out of step in any one march. Corollary: It is usually the same person.
•	Reeley's Principle: Any piece you select as a closing number will have a final note one step higher than the first trumpet can play.
•	Small Band Dilemma: The drum major is always the best trumpet player.
•	Bogan's Law of Bus Trips: Bus breakdowns always occur on the longest trips.
•	Travelling Amnesia Principle: Forgetful students always forget something.
•	RT + 1 Principle: The scheduled return time of any trip will be one hour earlier than the actual return. Corollary: This happens even when you pad the return time with an extra hour.
•	RT + 3 Principle: You will have to wait at least another two hours for the last parent to pick up a child.
•	Blind Leading the Blind Principle: Band members playing correctly will always follow the players who are playing incorrectly.
•	Murphy's Law of Small Band Sight-Reading: Invariably, the melody will be in an instrument you do not have. Corollaries: Cues will not be provided. If they are provided, they will be in the parts of your weakest section.
•	Bidewell's Score Maxim: You will have to conduct from a condensed score.
•	Murphy's Music Stand Principle: The music stand you get will wobble.
•	Reely's Adaptation of Rap's Law of Inanimate Reproduction: If you take a music stand down and put it up enough times, eventually you will have two of them.
•	Two Principles of Diminishing Concentration: Secretaries always interrupt rehearsal when concentration levels are at their peak. Players late for rehearsal are always those who sit in the centre of the band.
•	Horn's Law of Teachers' Meetings: After-school meetings always occur on the day of an important after-school rehearsal.
•	Missing Mute Principle: At least one mute will vanish from the brass section at any rehearsal.
•	Extended Rest Theorem: The longer the rests, the less likely a section will enter after them.
•	Contest Pronunciation Principle: If a name can be mispronounced as the programme is being introduced, it will.
•	Two Recruiting Ratio Principles: For every student wanting to play clarinet, there will be six who want to play alto sax. For every student wanting to play alto sax, there will be seven who want to play snare drum.
•	The "There's Another Hole in the Dam" Principle: Fix one spot in the music and another spot falls apart.
•	Alternate Amnesia Axiom: Any alternate fingerings taught will be promptly forgotten.
•	Lost and Found Principle of Music Folders: At least one music folder will be left on a music stand after each rehearsal. Corollaries: It will usually be the same player. If it is not the same player, there will be no name in the folder.
•	Say It Again Sam Law: Even if everything is explained perfectly, there will still be a question. Corollary: You will have just answered the question one minute before it was asked.
•	Beginning Players Concert Law: There will be one video camera for every three beginning musicians.
•	Premature Deafness Ratio: A conductor's hearing loss is directly proportional to how many percussionists are started each year.
•	McMurray's Programme Principle: At least one name will be left off the concert programme. Corollary: It will be the child of the headteacher.
•	McMurray's Second Programme Rule: If there are two ways to spell a name, the wrong one will be selected.
•	Murphy's Law of Clapping: If the audience can clap at the wrong time, they will.
•	Two Principles of Cymbal Cueing: Cue the cymbal player or he will not enter. Cue the cymbal player and he still will not enter.
•	Law of Selective Acoustics: The percussion section always sounds loudest where the judges are sitting. It cannot be heard from the podium.
•	Hatch's Law of Clarinet Squeaks: Clarinet squeaks always occur in the most exposed sections of the music.
•	Fillmore's March Law: If a march can be rushed, it will. Corollary: A march rushes in proportion to a band's inability to play it quickly.
•	The Play It Again Sam Axiom: At concert festivals, three other bands will play your toughest piece. Corollary: All three perform before you do, and play it better.
•	Surprise Symphony Principle: At least one section of the music which sounded perfect in rehearsal will go haywire.
•	The Punctuality Paradox: Give a strongly-worded lecture about punctuality and you will be late to the next performance.
•	Bidewell's Transition Principle: You are never as good as the previous conductor.
•	Anderson's Solution: When in doubt, blame problems on the previous conductor.
•	The Lowest Common Denominator Principle: After a concert, parents rave about the pop selection played and say nothing about the test piece.
•	The Least Credible Sentence in Conducting: One more time.


----------



## Kibbles Croquettes

I would like to add a corollary to the Tillis' Organisational Principle (If you file it, you'll know where it is but never need it. If you don't file it, you'll need it but never know where it is): even if you have filed the thing you need, by the time you need it, you have forgotten where you have filed it - no matter how logical it is.

I find myself in this kind of situations all the time. I might be searching for a paper and can't find it anywhere. Then, on another occasion, when I'm searching for something else, I'll find the paper I was searching for earlier and realize that it is in a completely rational and logical place - but that I have forgotten that I have planned things so logically. I'm not sure if anyone can share the feeling: I do realize that the flaw might not be in the world but in me.


----------



## hpowders

Siegfried and Brünnhilde went up the hill, they each had a quarter.

Brünnhilde came down with fifty cents, you think they went up for water?


----------



## Donata

LOL Mahler Cat and Berlioz Cat!


----------



## StephenTC

Pat: Ladies and Gentlemen, I am very excited to report I have in my hands a hitherto undiscovered piece by Paganini I just found in my great grandmothers attic...

Mike: let me see that...you idiot, that says Page nine!...


----------



## Lunasong

"God tells me how the music should sound, but you stand in the way."
-- Arturo Toscanini to a trumpet player


----------



## Lunasong




----------



## StephenTC

I recall reading Erica Jong's Fear of Flying, in which her quasi - autobiographical protagonist took up with a conductor.

On their first night together he had some 'performance issues', however following nights were fine.

As she put: "It was only opening nights that wilted his baton"


----------



## Albert7

I am so lame that I can't seem to think of a lame classical music joke.

Lame!


----------



## Lunasong

Sir Thomas Beecham, the noted British conductor, was the grandson of the founder of Beecham’s Pills and Thomas’s father had taken over the business.

'My father,' Beecham confided, 'came to me one Christmas and said, "Look, here, my lad, I've been spendin' a lot o' brass on your musical education, and now Ah wants you to help me." (Every year Beecham's Pills produced a Christmas Carol Annual). "Now Tom," continued my father, "I want you to go through the Annual and alter some of th' verses so as to promote th' business."' Thomas retired to his study and came up with the following: Hark! the herald angels sing! Beecham's Pills are just the thing, Two for a woman one for a child. . . . Peace on Earth and mercy mild! 'These sentiments,' Beecham related, 'especially the ellipsis, seem to me admirably to express the rapture which is occasioned by a good effortless release.'


----------



## Lunasong

West Side Story was purposefully scored without violas. The reason? Union rules governing the theater where the show played required that the members of the house orchestra be used in the performances, and Leonard Bernstein thought the theater’s two viola players were terrible. “Let’s just do without them,” he told his orchestrators, “because I couldn't stand listening to my show every night and hearing what those guys would do to the viola parts.” 

Q: How did the violist break his arm raking leaves?
A: He fell out of the tree.

Q:What’s the best thing to play on a viola?
A: A flame-thrower.

Q: How does a viola recital end? 
A: "Excuse me, sir. Wake up, the concert's over." 

Q: Which musicians are best at changing light bulbs?
A: Violists. They’re always screwing things up.

Q: What do violists, Luis Suarez, and Mike Tyson all have in common?
A: They are hard on ears.

Q: Why couldn't the violist call 911?
A: She couldn't find the 11 on her phone.

One day in orchestral rehearsal, the 3rd violist – in good spirits – made a stupid joke. The principal viola, and it’s not known whether for jealousy or for pure responsibility, stood up, looked him square in the face, and said, “That’s enough; the stupid things here are ONLY said by me, understood?”


----------



## KenOC

What ho! sickly people of high and low degree
I pray ye all be warned by me;
No matter what may be your bodily ills
The safest and quickest cure is Beecham’s Pills.

They are admitted to be worth a guinea a box
For bilious and nervous disorders, also smallpox,
And dizziness and drowsiness, also cold chills,
And for such diseases nothing else can equal Beecham’s Pills

They have been proved by thousands that have tried them
So that the people cannot them condemn.
Be advised by me one and all
Is the advice of Poet McGonagall.


----------



## Marschallin Blair

Lunasong said:


> Sir Thomas Beecham, the noted British conductor, was the grandson of the founder of Beecham's Pills and Thomas's father had taken over the business.
> 
> 'My father,' Beecham confided, 'came to me one Christmas and said, "Look, here, my lad, I've been spendin' a lot o' brass on your musical education, and now Ah wants you to help me." (Every year Beecham's Pills produced a Christmas Carol Annual). "Now Tom," continued my father, "I want you to go through the Annual and alter some of th' verses so as to promote th' business."' Thomas retired to his study and came up with the following: Hark! the herald angels sing! Beecham's Pills are just the thing, Two for a woman one for a child. . . . Peace on Earth and mercy mild! 'These sentiments,' Beecham related, 'especially the ellipsis, seem to me admirably to express the rapture which is occasioned by a good effortless release.'


They didn't call it the Royal Pill-harmonic for nothing.


----------



## KenOC

For the season:

Hark the Herald Angels sing
Beecham's Pills are just the thing
Moves ye gently meek and mild
Two for an adult, one for a child. 

Regular administration,
Just the thing for constipation,
How can man to Art aspire,
If his soul is not on fire?

Hark the Herald Angels sing
Beecham's Pills are just the thing.


----------



## Albert7

Beer and Chopin do not mix like oil and water.


----------



## Richannes Wrahms

I'm stealing this one from another forum:

*PIZZA DOES NOT EQUAL SCHOENBERG
*

Context:



iroveashe said:


> Do you not enjoy your favorite food even if you know what it'll taste like? Do you value the aspect of surprise more than the capability of enjoying a piece (or story, or anything for that matter) over and over again, always discovering new things in a work you thought you "already knew what would happen"? (because you might know what will happen regarding the sound you're hearing, but not what will happen to yourself when you do, unless you listen to music mechanically). I like being surprised, but if I have to choose between something that only works on that element alone at the expense of being coherent or sacrificing many other elements (like movies that rely purely on plot twists); and something more balanced, I choose the 2nd.
> I haven't read Romeo & Juliet and I already know how it ends. Would you consider for that simple reason that Shakespeare was in fact writting children's books?





john11inc said:


> Eating pizza has nothing to do with it. That's a sensory response. Music works on an intellectual plane. PIZZA DOES NOT EQUAL SCHOENBERG. If classical music and a pepperoni pizza stand on the same, intellectual pedestal to you, there is something wrong.
> 
> Your Romeo and Juliet example is just as bad, if not worse. Fine, you enjoy the book "for the ride". You have to explain what that means, now, for that to be an argument. Why do you enjoy the ride? Because it's written beautifully or because it tells a nice story? You have to explain how that's not subjective (which you can't do). Personally, I don't like most Shakespeare, and that play is no exception. So obviously it is subjective. Also, there's a difference between knowing what's going to happen at the end because you've learned it, and knowing what's going to happen in the end because of the inevitable conclusion you infer from the work itself.


----------



## MoonlightSonata

Richannes Wrahms said:


> I'm stealing this one from another forum:
> 
> *PIZZA DOES NOT EQUAL SCHOENBERG
> *


That would be good for Stupid Thread Ideas: Which pizza for which composer?


----------



## Lunasong

albertfallickwang said:


> Beer and Chopin do not mix like oil and water.












Cheers! "You can't go _Chopin_ when you're already _Baroque_"


----------



## Donata

The truth is out there.


----------



## Lunasong

The vet? I thought you said the MET!


----------



## Ingélou

Just gleaned from an Irish Traditional Music forum:

*By the way, there are FOUR kinds of Irish songs.

Songs about lost loves,

Songs about lost battles

Songs about lost days of old (auld?)

Songs about successful……There are THREE kinds of Irish songs.
*


----------



## soundoftritones

Some of those jokes remind me of this ^^"


----------



## MoonlightSonata

soundoftritones said:


> Some of those jokes remind me of this ^^"


I wish my chickens were so musical...


----------



## DiesIraeCX

The other day, someone had the nerve to tell me that Beethoven's 15th String Quartet was A minor work.


----------



## Lunasong

Q: Did you hear about the musician who couldn’t even pay to get in tune?
A: He was only a few cents off.

Q: Why was the HIP musician released from the football team?
A: Because he was rubbish at the Bach and couldn’t Handel the ball.

Q: What tune left the exotic dancer feeling cold?
A: Air on the G String.

Q: Why did the trumpet player cross the road?
A: To tell the chicken who was better at crossing the road.


----------



## Lunasong

What's the difference between a chainsaw and a Viola? 
A chainsaw has a better chance at blending in a string quartet.

What's the difference between a chainsaw and a Viola? 
In the "Texas Viola Massacre", the killer was wearing a tuxedo.

What's the difference between a chainsaw and a Viola? 
After you put gasoline in the chainsaw, people don't throw lit matches at you.

What's the difference between a chainsaw and a Viola? 
The Viola is always sharp.

What's the difference between a chainsaw and a Viola? 
The person holding the chainsaw can probably read music.

What's the difference between a chainsaw and a Viola? 
The law doesn't require a *DANGER: MAY CAUSE INJURY* warning label on a viola.

What's the difference between a chainsaw and a Viola? 
You can't fake cutting down a tree.

What's the difference between a chainsaw and a Viola? 
You can tune up a chainsaw.

How is a chainsaw like a Viola? 
When either is in use, anyone nearby should wear earplugs.

How is a chainsaw like a Viola? 
When being used, they both start out very sharp but don't stay that way.


----------



## Lunasong

*DIE SAUERBRATSCHEN*
(The Magic Viola)

_by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart_

_It has come to our attention that several people believe Mozart wrote, in addition to "The Magic Flute," an opera called "The Magic Viola." This is incorrect, and apparently the rumor is due to a coincidence of sounds. In German, The Magic Flute is "Die Zauberflöte," while The Magic Viola would be "Die Auberbratsche." In fact, Mozart's little known viola opera is called "Die Sauerbratschen," and it is verified by several unimpeachable sources that he wrote it in the space of one evening during dinner in a really dingy restaurant. Mozart wrote the libretto on napkins and the score on the tablecloth -- an example of what is called Tafelmusik. The work was actually performed in Salzburg along with "The Constipation of the House Special Overture," which also was composed in the same restaurant. The similarity to English speakers of the pronunciation of the German "Sauer" and "Zauber" has led to the Magic Viola misconception.

The opera was not successful, since it seems to have never been performed again. It has no Köchel number and the tablecloth was apparently laundered by mistake, removing the entire score (but leaving most of the stains). Only a few napkins remain in the collections of various private individuals and the summary of the opera given below, based only on those that could be tracked down and deciphered, cannot be regarded as definitive._

DIE SAUERBRATSCHEN

WOLFGANG AMADEUS MOZART

Synopsis

ACT 1

The king and queen of a fairy-tale like kingdom are devoted patrons of music and loved by their subjects. The sad fact is that the couple is childless and both they and the population want an heir to carry on the royal line. After many years when it appears most unlikely, the queen becomes pregnant through the ministrations of an in vitro alchemist. The royal couple throw a great feast when the baby, a girl prophetically named Violetta, is born. Among those they invite are the various music fairies; the violin fairy, the cello fairy, the flute fairy etc.

Conspicuously absent is the viola fairy, a terrible harridan, whose intonation is so bad that musicians and audiences fall to the ground as if struck down. Not for nothing is she known as The Trampler. After each fairy performs on her instrument and sings about the joy of playing it, the group is about to play a chamber work together when the viola fairy herself appears from the bowels of the earth along with a smell of sulfur and brimstone. The crowd shrinks away from her as she takes center stage. To everyone's horror The Trampler places a curse on the baby, to the effect that before her sixteenth birthday, she will develop an obsession with the viola and play it to the exclusion of all other activities. Then the Viola Fairy departs as she came with a maniacal laugh. The queen is inconsolable and faints dead away. The act ends with general confusion and despair and a lot of bodies on the floor.

ACT 2

By royal proclamation, the king and queen ban every viola in the land. They are collected and destroyed in a huge bonfire which is a precursor of the Immolation scene in Die Götterdamerung, except here it is known as the Violation scene. String quartets now consist of two violins, a cello, and a banjo. The alto clef is outlawed. In this way they hope to thwart The Trampler's curse. The ruling is appealed by the court jesters, Ping, Pang, and Pong, who say that without viola jokes they have lost most of their material. They sing a trio, called Die Bratschenwurst, consisting almost entirely of viola jokes.

[* The viola jokes are the best preserved part of the opera; although less than 5% of the libretto, they account for almost 50% of the napkins on which the libretto is preserved. Musical historians have not found any evidence of viola jokes predating these, and it is probable that Mozart is the source of this rich body of musical humor. Ed.]

Die Bratschenwurst Trio

Ping: What's the definition of a minor second?
Pang: Two violists playing in unison.
Pong: Two violists playing in unison.

Pong: What do you do with a dead violist?
Pang: Move him back a chair.
Ping: Move him back, move him back.

Ping: How do you get a dozen violists to play in tune?
Pang: Kill eleven of them?
Pong: Eleven must die; Oh my!

Pong: How can you tell when a violist is playing out of tune?
Pang: The bow is moving.
Ping & Pong: See how the bow is moving.

Ping: What do you call a violist with two brain cells?
Pang: Pregnant.
Pong: That's not very nice.

Pong: What's the range of a viola?
Pang: As far as you can kick it.
Ping: Or 35 yards with your good arm - as you please.

Ping: What is the longest viola joke?
Pang: Harold in Italy.
Ping, Pang & Pong: Long, long in Italy.

The king, although greatly amused, refuses to lift the ban and the comedians depart disconsolately. But unknown to them, the language teacher Don Blanco is a closet violist. This is not to say that he plays the viola secretly, but in fact plays what is called a closet viola. It has a hinged back and opens to hold a change of clothes and other necessities, since violists often have to leave town suddenly. Don Blanco, a recent visitor to the country, is unaware of the royal decree and continues to play it. Since he rarely has visitors, apart from his friend the pizza entrepreneur PapaGino, no one is the wiser. We meet Don Blanco together with PapaGino, who is bragging about his pizza franchises throughout Europe. PapaGino sings about the numbers of different toppings one can find in different lands:
200 in France
300 in Spain
and 1003 in Italy!

Meanwhile, the princess Violetta is sent to Don Blanco to study German. Inevitably, she hears him playing and becomes enraptured. Instead of coming a few hours each week, Violetta practically becomes a house guest and makes incessant demands on Don Blanco that he teach her to play the viola. Don Blanco, thinking that no one in her right mind would want this, naturally assumes that Violetta is enamored of him.

The fact that the princess is a virgin, makes her even more desirable. At one point, when he is alone with her, he takes a cigar from his pocket and sings a piece Mozart later recycled in his better known "Exultate Jubilate;" the aria entitled "Tu Virginum Corona."

ACT III

The king and queen make a great celebration when Violetta turns sixteen. They mistakenly think they have defeated the Viola Fairy, since they know nothing about Don Blanco. With all the guests assembled, Violetta makes an entrance with Don Blanco, and to the horror of all comes in playing a viola! She has not really mastered the instrument (who could?) and makes quite a hash out of Harold in Italy. The guests cover their ears with their hands, pillows, mince pies, and anything else they can find to muffle the sound. Don Blanco, upset by this reaction, takes the viola from the princess to show how it should be played, but the guests still refuse to listen.

Suddenly the Viola Fairy appears through a fiery gap that opens in the floor. She is about to gloat over her triumph when she becomes aware of Don Blanco's playing. Instantly, she falls in love with him. Transformed by love, she sings "O Viola D'Amore" and lifts the curse from Violetta. As the act - and the opera - ends, she carries the violently resisting Don Blanco off with her into the pit and to the infernal regions.

The last vocal sound is Don Blanco's anguished "aaaah!"

FINIS


----------



## Lunasong

So I was in my second year theory class and the teacher was working with students individually at the piano on compositions. It started to get loud so the professor said, "Alright, unless you are telling jokes about secondary dominants, there shouldn't be any laughing." I immediately raise my hand and after being called on I say; "So this hemiola, this secondary dominant and this anacrusis all walk into a bar." The professor asks if there is a punch line and I respond; "Of course, the anacrusis says to the other two, hey I bet I get picked up before you guys do"!


----------



## Lunasong

(from uncyclopedia)


----------



## hpowders

Modified Boehm fingering?


----------



## Queen of the Nerds

WARNING: VIOLA JOKE
The conductor of an orchestra gets sick, so the principal violist steps up and says "I'll conduct." That night, he doesn't show, so the principal tuba player (named Bert) asks the principal bassoon player (named Rimsky):
"Where is he?" The bassoon player replies,"I don't know because he's Haydn." Then, the principal harpist (with a last name of Korsakov.) investigates, comes back, and says, "He's Haydn in the Bach of the HUGE Schu (shoe), Bert, Chopin his Liszts, eating Paganini (panini) with Berlioz (barely oats). I won't be surprised if he doesn't come back in a minuet, Rimsky." The bassoon player responds, "Korsakov! Is he eating my Salieri (celery)?" The harpist replies, "No, and I think he isn't showing because it would be too much of a Surprise."
The joke is that all the composers featured would have been on the repertoire, as well as the Surprise Symphony as the first piece.


----------



## Queen of the Nerds

Lunasong said:


> *DIE SAUERBRATSCHEN*
> (The Magic Viola)
> 
> _by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart_
> 
> _It has come to our attention that several people believe Mozart wrote, in addition to "The Magic Flute," an opera called "The Magic Viola." This is incorrect, and apparently the rumor is due to a coincidence of sounds. In German, The Magic Flute is "Die Zauberflöte," while The Magic Viola would be "Die Auberbratsche." In fact, Mozart's little known viola opera is called "Die Sauerbratschen," and it is verified by several unimpeachable sources that he wrote it in the space of one evening during dinner in a really dingy restaurant. Mozart wrote the libretto on napkins and the score on the tablecloth -- an example of what is called Tafelmusik. The work was actually performed in Salzburg along with "The Constipation of the House Special Overture," which also was composed in the same restaurant. The similarity to English speakers of the pronunciation of the German "Sauer" and "Zauber" has led to the Magic Viola misconception.
> 
> The opera was not successful, since it seems to have never been performed again. It has no Köchel number and the tablecloth was apparently laundered by mistake, removing the entire score (but leaving most of the stains). Only a few napkins remain in the collections of various private individuals and the summary of the opera given below, based only on those that could be tracked down and deciphered, cannot be regarded as definitive._
> 
> DIE SAUERBRATSCHEN
> 
> WOLFGANG AMADEUS MOZART
> 
> Synopsis
> 
> ACT 1
> 
> The king and queen of a fairy-tale like kingdom are devoted patrons of music and loved by their subjects. The sad fact is that the couple is childless and both they and the population want an heir to carry on the royal line. After many years when it appears most unlikely, the queen becomes pregnant through the ministrations of an in vitro alchemist. The royal couple throw a great feast when the baby, a girl prophetically named Violetta, is born. Among those they invite are the various music fairies; the violin fairy, the cello fairy, the flute fairy etc.
> 
> Conspicuously absent is the viola fairy, a terrible harridan, whose intonation is so bad that musicians and audiences fall to the ground as if struck down. Not for nothing is she known as The Trampler. After each fairy performs on her instrument and sings about the joy of playing it, the group is about to play a chamber work together when the viola fairy herself appears from the bowels of the earth along with a smell of sulfur and brimstone. The crowd shrinks away from her as she takes center stage. To everyone's horror The Trampler places a curse on the baby, to the effect that before her sixteenth birthday, she will develop an obsession with the viola and play it to the exclusion of all other activities. Then the Viola Fairy departs as she came with a maniacal laugh. The queen is inconsolable and faints dead away. The act ends with general confusion and despair and a lot of bodies on the floor.
> 
> ACT 2
> 
> By royal proclamation, the king and queen ban every viola in the land. They are collected and destroyed in a huge bonfire which is a precursor of the Immolation scene in Die Götterdamerung, except here it is known as the Violation scene. String quartets now consist of two violins, a cello, and a banjo. The alto clef is outlawed. In this way they hope to thwart The Trampler's curse. The ruling is appealed by the court jesters, Ping, Pang, and Pong, who say that without viola jokes they have lost most of their material. They sing a trio, called Die Bratschenwurst, consisting almost entirely of viola jokes.
> 
> [* The viola jokes are the best preserved part of the opera; although less than 5% of the libretto, they account for almost 50% of the napkins on which the libretto is preserved. Musical historians have not found any evidence of viola jokes predating these, and it is probable that Mozart is the source of this rich body of musical humor. Ed.]
> 
> Die Bratschenwurst Trio
> 
> Ping: What's the definition of a minor second?
> Pang: Two violists playing in unison.
> Pong: Two violists playing in unison.
> 
> Pong: What do you do with a dead violist?
> Pang: Move him back a chair.
> Ping: Move him back, move him back.
> 
> Ping: How do you get a dozen violists to play in tune?
> Pang: Kill eleven of them?
> Pong: Eleven must die; Oh my!
> 
> Pong: How can you tell when a violist is playing out of tune?
> Pang: The bow is moving.
> Ping & Pong: See how the bow is moving.
> 
> Ping: What do you call a violist with two brain cells?
> Pang: Pregnant.
> Pong: That's not very nice.
> 
> Pong: What's the range of a viola?
> Pang: As far as you can kick it.
> Ping: Or 35 yards with your good arm - as you please.
> 
> Ping: What is the longest viola joke?
> Pang: Harold in Italy.
> Ping, Pang & Pong: Long, long in Italy.
> 
> The king, although greatly amused, refuses to lift the ban and the comedians depart disconsolately. But unknown to them, the language teacher Don Blanco is a closet violist. This is not to say that he plays the viola secretly, but in fact plays what is called a closet viola. It has a hinged back and opens to hold a change of clothes and other necessities, since violists often have to leave town suddenly. Don Blanco, a recent visitor to the country, is unaware of the royal decree and continues to play it. Since he rarely has visitors, apart from his friend the pizza entrepreneur PapaGino, no one is the wiser. We meet Don Blanco together with PapaGino, who is bragging about his pizza franchises throughout Europe. PapaGino sings about the numbers of different toppings one can find in different lands:
> 200 in France
> 300 in Spain
> and 1003 in Italy!
> 
> Meanwhile, the princess Violetta is sent to Don Blanco to study German. Inevitably, she hears him playing and becomes enraptured. Instead of coming a few hours each week, Violetta practically becomes a house guest and makes incessant demands on Don Blanco that he teach her to play the viola. Don Blanco, thinking that no one in her right mind would want this, naturally assumes that Violetta is enamored of him.
> 
> The fact that the princess is a virgin, makes her even more desirable. At one point, when he is alone with her, he takes a cigar from his pocket and sings a piece Mozart later recycled in his better known "Exultate Jubilate;" the aria entitled "Tu Virginum Corona."
> 
> ACT III
> 
> The king and queen make a great celebration when Violetta turns sixteen. They mistakenly think they have defeated the Viola Fairy, since they know nothing about Don Blanco. With all the guests assembled, Violetta makes an entrance with Don Blanco, and to the horror of all comes in playing a viola! She has not really mastered the instrument (who could?) and makes quite a hash out of Harold in Italy. The guests cover their ears with their hands, pillows, mince pies, and anything else they can find to muffle the sound. Don Blanco, upset by this reaction, takes the viola from the princess to show how it should be played, but the guests still refuse to listen.
> 
> Suddenly the Viola Fairy appears through a fiery gap that opens in the floor. She is about to gloat over her triumph when she becomes aware of Don Blanco's playing. Instantly, she falls in love with him. Transformed by love, she sings "O Viola D'Amore" and lifts the curse from Violetta. As the act - and the opera - ends, she carries the violently resisting Don Blanco off with her into the pit and to the infernal regions.
> 
> The last vocal sound is Don Blanco's anguished "aaaah!"
> 
> FINIS


Very funny. I like viola jokes and Sleeping Beauty, so this is perfect. (By the way, every violinist [I am a violinist] adores viola jokes.) I loved this story.


----------



## omega

[video]http://video.lefigaro.fr/figaro/video/le-meilleur-et-le-pire-des-cadeaux-de-noel/3964614529001/[/video]

The two sisters on the video at 0:23:
The one on the left with the blue dress got some Beethoven for Xmas
The one on the right with the purple dress got some Schönberg


----------



## hpowders

Lunasong said:


> (from uncyclopedia)


Finally!! The proper clarinet to play the authentic low notes of the Mozart Clarinet Concerto and Clarinet Quintet!!


----------



## MoonlightSonata

Queen of the Nerds said:


> Very funny. I like viola jokes and Sleeping Beauty, so this is perfect. (By the way, every violinist [I am a violinist] adores viola jokes.) I loved this story.


Why are most viola jokes so short? So violinists can understand them.


----------



## KenOC

Why don't violists get Ebola? (Answer in too poor taste to post here...)


----------



## Lunasong

Q) Why do you hardly ever see a flute player take a breath?
A) Because they already have a vast supply of air in their heads.

Q) Why can't oboists stay married? 
A) Blaming it on the reed doesn't work.

Q) What’s the best orchestrated way to sink ships? 
A) With a Pachelbel Canon.

Q) What does a sick percussionist experience?
A) Symptomtoms.


----------



## Lunasong

"Some days you get up and put the horn to your chops and it sounds pretty good and you win. Some days you try and nothing works and the horn wins. This goes on and on and then you die and the horn wins."
-- Dizzy Gillespie on playing the trumpet

“There are two golden rules for an orchestra: start together and finish together. The public doesn't give a damn what goes on in between.” 
-- Sir Thomas Beecham

"There are more bad musicians than there is bad music."
--Isaac Stern


----------



## Lunasong

Watch.


----------



## MoonlightSonata

lunasong said:


> watch.


i have to try this!


----------



## Donata

The Empire Strikes Bach! 








Why wasn't J.S. Bach at the classical concert?
Because he was Baroque

Henry Purcell is a well known composer few people have ever heard of.

Aaron Copland is one of your most famous contemporary composers. It is unusual to be contemporary. Most composers do not live until they are dead.


----------



## Queen of the Nerds

MoonlightSonata said:


> Why are most viola jokes so short? So violinists can understand them.


Hey... violinists are smart!! Unlike violists... We can ACTUALLY PLAY IN TUNE!!


----------



## MoonlightSonata

Queen of the Nerds said:


> Hey... violinists are smart!! Unlike violists... We can ACTUALLY PLAY IN TUNE!!


...and there I was thinking you'd come up with your own joke rather than making an unsupported generalisation.


----------



## MoonlightSonata

This joke may or may not have been posted here before, but anyway:
"Of the 100 greatest composers ever, Telemann ranks second. The other 99 are tied for first."


----------



## Dim7

Will you forgive me for making a John Cage joke if I apologize in a sign language for four minutes and...


----------



## Queen of the Nerds

MoonlightSonata said:


> ...and there I was thinking you'd come up with your own joke rather than making an unsupported generalisation.


I will then. Ahem.
Spelling Bee:
A violist walks onstage.
Moderator: Spell cow.
Violist: C-o-w-e-i-e-i-o.
Moderator: No.
A violinist then walks onstage.
Moderator: Spell cow.
Violinist: C-o-w.
Moderator: Congrats. You have just won the spelling bee.
Later, during orchestra practice:
Conductor: Violas, PLAY IN TUNE!!!!!!!! I'm tired of telling you this!!!
Violists: Maestro, it's physically impossible for us to play in tune! 
Conductor: F-sharp on the D string was one of the first notes you ever learned to play! And five years later, you STILL can't play it in tune?!?!
Violists: Nope.
Conductor: On the other hand, you violinists played it PERFECTLY and in tune!!
Finis.
Are you happy now?


----------



## MoonlightSonata

Queen of the Nerds said:


> I will then. Ahem.
> Spelling Bee:
> A violinist walks onstage.
> Moderator: Spell cow.
> Violinist: C-o-w-e-i-e-i-o.
> Moderator: No.
> A violist then walks onstage.
> Moderator: Spell cow.
> Violist: C-o-w.
> Moderator: Congrats. You have just won the spelling bee.
> Later, during orchestra practice:
> Conductor: Violins, PLAY IN TUNE!!!!!!!! I'm tired of telling you this!!!
> Violinists: Maestro, it's physically impossible for us to play in tune!
> Conductor: F-sharp on the D string was one of the first notes you ever learned to play! And five years later, you STILL can't play it in tune?!?!
> Violists: Nope.
> Conductor: On the other hand, you violinists played it PERFECTLY and in tune!!
> Finis.
> Are you happy now?


...
I don't get it. What's so funny?
There's an orchestra with good violinists and bad violists, but where's the actual humour?


----------



## Queen of the Nerds

MoonlightSonata said:


> ...
> I don't get it. What's so funny?
> There's an orchestra with good violinists and bad violists, but where's the actual humour?


The first part was about "Violins are smart" and the second part was about "Violins can actually play in tune."
Secondly, I am very bad at telling long jokes. I just realized that.


----------



## MoonlightSonata

Queen of the Nerds said:


> The first part was about "Violins are smart" and the second part was about "Violins can actually play in tune."
> Secondly, I am very bad at telling long jokes. I just realized that.


Yes, I did work out what you were getting at, but jokes are meant to be about humour, and I couldn't work out what was humorous.

You may just not have found any good jokes to tell yet. I'm sure you'd be quite good with enough practise. Keep trying.


----------



## KenOC

The composer Joachim Raff had a brother, Riff. Riff's Wiki entry says that he died in a hunting accident after having a sex change operation. Bob Marley, on reading this sad history, wrote the song "I Shot the She-Riff."


----------



## ahammel

KenOC said:


> The composer Joachim Raff had a brother, Riff.


The one who was so stirringly portrayed by Richard O'Brien in _The Rocky Horror Picture Show_?


----------



## Lunasong

Q: What do you call an arrogant trumpet player? 
A: A brass-hole. 

Q: What do you call a berry that plays the clarinet? 
A: A tooty fruity! 

Q: What do you call a laughing piano? 
A: A Yama-hahahahaha. 

Q: What do you call a documentary about trombone players? 
A: A slide show.


----------



## MoonlightSonata

Lunasong said:


> Q: What do you call a berry that plays the clarinet?
> A: A tooty fruity!


What is it called when all instruments in a botanical orchestra play together?
A fruity tutti.


----------



## Donata




----------



## mushrider

Why was the piano invented? 
So the musician can put down his beer


----------



## Queen of the Nerds

MoonlightSonata, my second attempt:
If you dropped a violinist and a violist off the Empire State Building, which would hit the ground first?
The violinist, because halfway down, the violist would have to stop and ask for directions.


----------



## Queen of the Nerds

chicken says "bach!"


----------



## KenOC

Why don't violists get Ebola? (answer next week...)


----------



## MoonlightSonata

Queen of the Nerds said:


> chicken says "bach!"


dog says "raff!"


----------



## MoonlightSonata

Queen of the Nerds said:


> MoonlightSonata, my second attempt:
> If you dropped a violinist and a violist off the Empire State Building, which would hit the ground first?
> The violinist, because halfway down, the violist would have to stop and ask for directions.


:clap: Much better. Now I suppose I need a violin joke.

A violinist and a bassoonist are having a terrible row. The conductor hastily breaks up the fighting and asks what the matter is.
"Maestro, he detuned one of my strings!" says the violinist.
"Well? Tune it back again!" says the conducter.
"But Maestro," wails the violinist, "he won't tell me which string!"


----------



## Lunasong

Q: What is the difference between hearing an viola solo and being tortured?
A: One is far more painful to your ears. 

Q: If a Cellist plays a Cello and a Violinist plays a Violin, who plays a Viola? 
A: An idiot.

Q: How do you get a Viola player to play softer? 
A: Put WD-40 in his rosin.

Q: Why is playing a Viola solo like wetting your pants?
A: Everybody moves as far away from you as possible.

Q: Why don’t viola players ever get laid?
A: Because their D’s are always flat.

Q: How is lightning like a violist's fingers?
A: Neither one strikes in the same place twice, nor is aware of the damage that they are doing …

Q: Why do many violinists think they can play viola?
A: They all know violists who think they can play the viola.

Q: How is a viola like a platypus?
A: God wonders what went wrong.

***
The principal violist was complaining in the artistic committee meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. The next day, he brought a small sign that read:
"I'm the Boss!"
He then taped it to his viola case.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said:
"Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"


----------



## hpowders

Hi. I'm the Lang Lang of Rob Lowes. Don't be THIS me!! 

(Dedicated to those of us who watch American TV and those never-ending Direct TV commercials).


----------



## Lunasong

Q) What is the best tempo for music to play to plants?
A) Allegro.

Q) What did the composer say after he had written an atonal piece?
A) I meant no harmony.

Q) How do musicians pay attention in class?
A) They take notes.

Q) Why couldn't the musician play loudly?
A) It wasn't his forte.

Q) What did the conductor say when he found his missing music?
A) SCORE!

Q) How do you take good care of your saxophone?
A) With tenor love and care.

Q) Why should you never have sex with the concertmaster?
A) He’s into violins.


----------



## MoonlightSonata

Nice to see your jokes again, Lunasong


----------



## Donata

So would this be allegretto, allegro, or presto? Vivacissimo?


----------



## Gaspard de la Nuit

Q: What did the Rastafarian say when his annoying friend asked him who his favorite composer was?

A: Schumann!

(an original).


----------



## Donata

She's probably wondering why Oprah is dissing her from Seattle.


----------



## Dim7

webern wpspcg nrebew gcpspw


----------



## Perotin

Q) Which piece of classical music is much talked about, but never listened to?
A) 4'33''


----------



## MoonlightSonata

Dim7 said:


> webern wpspcg nrebew gcpspw


Schoenberg grebneohcS Sɔɥoǝuqǝɹƃ ƃɹǝquǝoɥɔS


----------



## Mahlerian

MoonlightSonata said:


> Schoenberg grebneohcS Sɔɥoǝuqǝɹƃ ƃɹǝquǝoɥɔS


What is this? The S isn't backwards at all!


----------



## Donata

http://www.classicfm.com/discover/music/cats-composers-lookalikes/elgar-cat/

http://www.classicfm.com/instruments/piano/features/how-to-be-amazing/


----------



## Dim7

MoonlightSonata said:


> Schoenberg grebneohcS Sɔɥoǝuqǝɹƃ ƃɹǝquǝoɥɔS











.......................................


----------



## superhorn

There's a new movie about a gay affair Bach once had . This incident has been suppressed for ages by musicologists .
It's called "Baroque Bach Mountain ."


----------



## senza sordino

View attachment 65034


fifteen characters


----------



## Gaspard de la Nuit

I don't play music myself anymore, I'm more of a Lisztener. I guess you could just say I consider it to be Bulow me.


----------



## elgar's ghost

What's the previous poster's favourite English holiday resort? Scarborough.


----------



## hpowders

Bruckner and Wagner went up a hill. They each had a quarter.

Wagner came down with fifty cents. You think they went up for water?


----------



## Lunasong

Pianist Artur Rubinstein was asked whether he went out to listen to other musicians in his spare time. He said no, because if they sounded bad he felt awful and if they sounded good he felt even worse.


Spoken from the microphone in the middle of a set... "We have been given a request, but we're going to keep playing anyway."


----------



## Lunasong




----------



## Albert7

When a bear meets Beethoven what do you get?

Bearthoven!


----------



## Perotin

Richard Strauss supposedly said: "I want to be able to depict in music a glass of beer so accurately that every listener can tell whether it is a Pilsner or a Kulmbacher!" Is it anecdotal, is it true, I do not know, it is funny though!


----------



## Gaspard de la Nuit

hpowders said:


> Bruckner and Wagner went up a hill. They each had a quarter.
> 
> Wagner came down with fifty cents. You think they went up for water?


Wait.....Wagner beat up Bruckner for his quarter? Or Bruckner just absent-mindedly lost his quarter and Wagner found it? It could only be one of the two.



elgars ghost said:


> What's the previous poster's favourite English holiday resort? Scarborough.


*applause* this joke really does justice for the title of the thread.....even lamer than the 'it was Haydn/ can't Handel it' ones.


----------



## Albert7

The joke is that I truly ran out of jokes tonight!


----------



## Dim7

What's a "rach-man" and what he's doing in the OF?

This is "the most *incredibly lame* classical music jokes" afterall...


----------



## elgar's ghost

Gaspard de la Nuit said:


> *applause* this joke really does justice for the title of the thread.....even lamer than the 'it was Haydn/ can't Handel it' ones.


The sort of accolade I was hoping for - many thanks indeed.


----------



## Stavrogin

You really shouldn't listen to "Il canto sospeso": it's a No-no.


----------



## Lunasong

Q) What do you call a musician with problems?
A) A trebled man.

Q) Did you hear Sean Connery is in Israel searching for ancient instruments?
A) He’s only found one shofar.


----------



## Donata




----------



## Lunasong




----------



## MoonlightSonata

THE YOUNG PERSON'S GUIDE TO THE SATB CHOIR In any chorus, there are four voice parts: soprano, alto, tenor, and bass. Sometimes these are divided into first and second within each part, prompting endless jokes about first and second basses. There are also various other parts such as baritone, countertenor, contralto, mezzo soprano, etc., but these are mostly used by people who are either soloists, or belong to some excessively hotshot classical a cappella group (this applies especially to countertenors), or are trying to make excuses for not really fitting into any of the regular voice parts, so we will ignore them for now.

Each voice part sings in a different range, and each one has a very different personality. You may ask, "Why should singing different notes make people act differently?", and indeed this is a mysterious question and has not been adequately studied, especially since scientists who study musicians tend to be musicians themselves and have all the peculiar complexes that go with being tenors, french horn players, timpanists, or whatever. However, this is beside the point; the fact remains that the four voice parts can be easily distinguished, and I will now explain how.

THE SOPRANOS are the ones who sing the highest, and because of this they think they rule the world. They have longer hair, fancier jewelry, and swishier skirts than anyone else, and they consider themselves insulted if they are not allowed to go at least to a high F in every movement of any given piece. When they reach the high notes, they hold them for at least half again as long as the composer and/or conductor requires, and then complain that their throats are killing them and that the composer and conductor are sadists. Sopranos have varied attitudes toward the other sections of the chorus, though they consider all of them inferior. Altos are to sopranos rather like second violins to first violins - nice to harmonize with, but not really necessary. All sopranos have a secret feeling that the altos could drop out and the piece would sound essentially the same, and they don't understand why anybody would sing in that range in the first place - it's so boring. Tenors, on the other hand, can be very nice to have around; besides their flirtation possibilities (it is a well-known fact that sopranos never flirt with basses), sopranos like to sing duets with tenors because all the tenors are doing is working very hard to sing in a low-to-medium soprano range, while the sopranos are up there in the stratosphere showing off. To sopranos, basses are the scum of the earth - they sing too damn loud, are useless to tune to because they're down in that low, low range - and there has to be something wrong with anyone who sings in the F clef, anyway.

THE ALTOS are the salt of the earth - in their opinion, at least. Altos are unassuming people, who would wear jeans to concerts if they were allowed to. Altos are in a unique position in the chorus in that they are unable to complain about having to sing either very high or very low, and they know that all the other sections think their parts are pitifully easy. But the altos know otherwise. They know that while the sopranos are screeching away on a high A, they are being forced to sing elaborate passages full of sharps and flats and tricks of rhythm, and nobody is noticing because the sopranos are singing too loud (and the basses usually are too). Altos get a deep, secret pleasure out of conspiring together to tune the sopranos flat. Altos have an innate distrust of tenors, because the tenors sing in almost the same range and think they sound better. They like the basses, and enjoy singing duets with them - the basses just sound like a rumble anyway, and it's the only time the altos can really be heard. Altos' other complaint is that there are always too many of them and so they never get to sing really loud.

THE TENORS are spoiled. That's all there is to it. For one thing, there are never enough of them, and choir directors would rather sell their souls than let a halfway decent tenor quit, while they're always ready to unload a few altos at half price. And then, for some reason, the few tenors there are are always really good - it's one of those annoying facts of life.. So it's no wonder that tenors always get swollen heads - after all, who else can make sopranos swoon? The one thing that can make tenors insecure is the accusation (usually by the basses) that anyone singing that high couldn't possibly be a real man.. In their usual perverse fashion, the tenors never acknowledge this, but just complain louder about the composer being a sadist and making them sing so damn high. Tenors have a love-hate relationship with the conductor, too, because the conductor is always telling them to sing louder because there are so few of them. No conductor in recorded history has ever asked for less tenor in a forte passage. Tenors feel threatened in some way by all the other sections - the sopranos because they can hit those incredibly high notes; the altos because they have no trouble singing the notes the tenors kill themselves for; and the basses because, although they can't sing anything above an E, they sing it loud enough to drown the tenors out. Of course, the tenors would rather die than admit any of this. It is a little-known fact that tenors move their eyebrows more than anyone else while singing.

THE BASSES sing the lowest of anybody. This basically explains everything. They are stolid, dependable people, and have more facial hair than anybody else. The basses feel perpetually unappreciated, but they have a deep conviction that they are actually the most important part (a view endorsed by musicologists, but certainly not by sopranos or tenors), despite the fact that they have the most boring part of anybody and often sing the same note (or in endless fifths) for an entire page. They compensate for this by singing as loudly as they can get away with - most basses are tuba players at heart. Basses are the only section that can regularly complain about how low their part is, and they make horrible faces when trying to hit very low notes. Basses are charitable people, but their charity does not extend so far as tenors, whom they consider effete poseurs. Basses hate tuning the tenors more than almost anything else. Basses like altos - except when they have duets and the altos get the good part. As for the sopranos, they are simply in an alternate universe which the basses don't understand at all. They can't imagine why anybody would ever want to sing that high and sound that bad when they make mistakes. When a bass makes a mistake, the other three parts will cover him, and he can continue on his merry way, knowing that sometime, somehow, he will end up at the root of the chord.


----------



## Elen

http://www.cmuse.org/hillarious-conductor-perfectly-captures-how-orchestra-rehearsals-go/


----------



## aimee




----------



## Donata

Hipster Berlioz.


----------



## superhorn

When these famous composers graduated from High school they were voted :

Mozart : Most likely to succeed . 

Most flirtatious : Liszt .

Most school spirit : Sibelius .

Most likely to get expelled : Shostakovich .

Most egotistical : Wagner .

Biggest daydreamer : Chopin . 

Most likely to marry for money : Tchaikovsky .

Best dressed : Ravel .

Best friends : Mussorgsky and Rimsky -Korsakov . 




:lol: :lol: :lol:


----------



## Lunasong




----------



## Lunasong

When listening to the classical station:
•	Me: This! this is Siegfried's leitmotif!
•	Dad: What about his heavy motif?


Semiconductors are part-time musicians.


A man walks into a piano store and says, "I would like to buy a hairy piano." Perplexed, the sales clerk asked, "Why do you want a hairy piano?!" Nonchalantly, the customer responded, "Well, the last piano store only had Baldwins."


----------



## Lunasong

*Mildly disturbing...*


----------



## Medtnaculus

Tuning up with the orchestra

The conductor turns to the audience and says "That was a little piece by an Asian composer, Chu Ning"


----------



## Lunasong




----------



## viola addict

What do you do when a musician calls at your house?







A: Give him the 20 bucks and take the pizza.


----------



## leafman

Guys, this stuff is terrible! especially lunasong's!


----------



## KenOC

Another version of the pizza joke.

Q: What the difference between a CM composer and an extra-large pizza?
A: The extra-large pizza can feed a family of four.


----------



## Donata

LOL! :lol:


----------



## Tchaikovsky Beethoven

Tchaikovsky was a real Nutcracker.

(he was gay).


----------



## Cosmos

Tchaikovsky Beethoven said:


> Tchaikovsky was a real Nutcracker.
> 
> (he was gay).


...OUCH! What kind of gay sex is he having?!??! :lol:

One of my favorite bits by Victor Borge: the history of the piano


----------



## Dim7

Now this is an old thread - did MoonlightSonata even exist when it was created?


----------



## MoonlightSonata

Dim7 said:


> Now this is an old thread - did MoonlightSonata even exist when it was created?


I don't know, I can't remember when I was born. I was quite young back then, you see. Perhaps you should ask my mother, she was there at the time.


----------



## hpowders

Heck I wasn't even born yet.


----------



## Bevo

Everyone's probably already seen this, but in case anyone hasn't...


----------



## Clairvoyance Enough

One night, after I had spent some time reading debates on talkclassical, I wondered something. Is it the music that makes me feel like all those beautiful stars, or is it the stars that make me feel like this beautiful music? And how do I know it's that this girl puts me in the mood of Clair de Lune, and not that the mood of Clair de Lune puts me in this girl?


----------



## Barbebleu

Not sure if this has already been posted. I lost the will to live at page 10. 

Perfect Pitch is defined as the ability to throw an accordion into a dumpster at twenty feet without touching the sides!

I'm here all week!


----------



## papsrus

Apologies if this has already been posted:


Man walks into a pet shop looking for a bird. Owner shows him a small bird with beautiful, colorful plumage. Price is $10,000.
"Why so expensive?" the customer asks. 
"This one can sing every note of Carmen perfectly," says the store owner.

They move on to the next cage, which holds a larger bird with even more beautiful plumage. Price is $50,000.
"Wow! What does this one do?" the customer asks.
"He can perfectly sing Wagner's Ring Cycle in its entirety," the store owner boasts.

Off in the corner a scraggly, scrawny old bird with gray feathers wobbles on its perch in a beautiful, giant gilded cage. Price is $100,000.
"Outrageous!" says the customer. "What can this one sing?"
"Nothing," says the store owner. "He's tone deaf as far as we can tell and can't sing a note, but all the other birds call him maestro."


----------



## KenOC

Just heard on the radio:

Q. What do you call a composer without a boyfriend or girlfriend?
A. Homeless.


----------



## superhorn

I'd like to see a concert featuring the music of both Irving Fine and Vincent D'Indy . It would be just Fine and D'Indy .


----------



## Donata

Lol!


----------



## Guest

A cellist and a violinist are drinking in a bar when they start arguing. The violinist had a little too much and becomes very irate. "You know the trouble with you cellists?" he yells. "You're a bunch of talentless, stuck-up stupidasses!"

The cellist stands up and says, "Sir, I can see that you're drunk so I'm just going to walk away." And with that, the cellist walks out of the bar.

The violinist screams after him, "You heard me--you cellists are a bunch of talentless, stuck-up stupidasses!"

A man from a nearby table gets up and approaches the violinist. "Sir," he says, "I heard what you said about cellists and I want you to know how very much I resent it!"

"What're you?" screams the violinist. "Another cellist?"

"No," replies the man, "I'm a talentless, stuck-up stupidass."


----------



## KenOC

Most tasteless viola joke ever:

Q. Why don't violists get Ebola?
A. Even a virus has its standards.


----------



## Guest

Q: Why don't viola players suffer from hemorrhoids? 

A: Because all the as-sholes are in the violin section.


----------



## Guest

A musician calls his orchestra’s office and asks for the conductor. “I’m sorry,” says the receptionist, “but he died last night.” The musician calls up 25 more times in a row and receives the same answer. The 26th time, the receptionist asks, “Why do you keep calling just to get the same answer?” The musician says, “I just love hearing you say it.”


----------



## Guest

Q: How do violinists greet one another?

A: “Hi and I’m better than you.”


----------



## Guest

Q: What should you do if you see a bleeding percussionist running around screaming?

A: Reload.

***

Q: What should you do if you accidentally run over a bassist?

A: Back up.

***

Q: How do you tell if a tenor is dead?

A: The booze is still full and the comic section hasn't been touched.

***

Q: What is the difference between a soprano and a cobra?

A: One is lethally toxic, the other is just a reptile.

***

Q: How do you fix a tuba? (2 answers)

1. With a tuba glue, of course.
2. You don’t, it comes that way.


----------



## Lunasong




----------



## MoonlightSonata

Lunasong said:


>


Funny how the nicest of people can get territorial over practise rooms.


----------



## BlackKeys

Don't know if this was posted yet, but I chuckled when I saw it:


----------



## Lunasong

A Hymn to Distraught Directors

Immoral, impossible, God only knows
How tenors and basses, sopranos, altos
at service on Sunday are rarely the same
as those who on Thursday to choir practice came.

Unready, unable to sight-read the notes.
Not counting or blending, they tighten their throats.
The descant so piercing is soaring above
a melody only a mother could love.

They have a director but one wonders why.
No one in the choir ever turns her an eye.
It's clear by her flailing she wants them to look
but each singer slouches with nose in the book.

Despite the offences, the music rings out.
The folks in the pews are enraptured, no doubt.
Their faces are blissful, their thoughts appear deep,
but it is no wonder, for they are asleep.


----------



## Lunasong

I didn't say your voice was out of this world.
I said it was unearthly.

I like the song you sang. 
One day you should put it to music.

Of course your voice is pure. 
You strain it every time you sing.

"That tune has been running through my head all day."
"Well, there's certainly nothing in there to get in its way."

PUPIL (after singing a song horribly): How did you like my execution?
MUSIC TEACHER: I'm all in favor of it.


----------



## aimee




----------



## Donata




----------



## Donata

LOL!


----------



## Oebis

I can't think of a joke right now but I'll get Bach to you


----------



## Donata

LOL! :devil:


----------



## Lunasong

PUPIL (at concert): What is the book the orchestra leader is looking at? 
TEACHER: That's the score. 
PUPIL: Really? Who's winning?

TEACHER: In music, if "_f_" means forté, what does "_ff_" mean?
PUPIL: Eighty.


----------



## breakup

Dim7 said:


> Now this is an old thread - did *MoonlightSonata* even exist when it was created?


Who wrote that one, I'm pretty sure Beethoven didn't write anything by that name.


----------



## breakup

MoonlightSonata said:


> ...
> I don't get it. What's so funny?
> There's an orchestra with good violinists and bad violists, but where's the actual humour?


The thread was for lame jokes, and that was pretty lame.


----------



## breakup

I'm really starting to worry, because i get most of the jokes.


----------



## mitchflorida

Why did the trombone player cross the road?

To get to the other slide.


----------



## aimee

(Explanation)


----------



## MoonlightSonata

aimee said:


> (Explanation)


The Liszt one reminds me of an octopus...


----------



## breakup

Stop reading if you've heard this one before. 

Did you hear about the new movie about the classical music loving gay cowboys? 

the "Baroque Bach Mountain King".


----------



## omega

I still don't know why I got this stupid idea today...


----------



## superhorn

Who is Harry Potter's favorite conductor ? Gunter Wand !


----------



## Polyphemus

Donata said:


> View attachment 73580
> LOL! :devil:


A consummation greatly to be desired.

:lol: :tiphat:


----------



## Abraham Lincoln

Why was Bach's stomach upset? 

He ate some ill-tempered caviar.


----------



## Gustav Mahler

Okay, I've got a great joke here:
- 
- 
- 
- 
- 

The credit for this joke goes to the dear John Cage who wrote it.
Brilliant.


----------



## Gustav Mahler

Did you hear all the other jokes in the silence? They are there! They are THERE!
LISTEN


----------



## Gustav Mahler

Why wasn't Chopin in the army?

-Because he was afraid of the Major.


The credit goes to me!


----------



## Abraham Lincoln

Can mosquitoes buzzing in tune give you Mahler-ia?


----------



## mmsbls

A video presentation of viola jokes.


----------



## Lunasong

The class laughed when I sat down at the piano.
There was no stool.

The class laughed when I sat down at the piano with my hands tied behind my back. 
They didn't know I played by ear.


----------



## Lunasong

"Look at how gracefully that girl eats her corn on the cob," said Mrs. Jones to her son, Harry, at the restaurant.
"Of course," Harry replied, "she plays the flute in the school band."

Which is better, a wooden piccolo, or a silver one? 
A wooden one — it burns better.

How do you get a pleasing sound on a piccolo? 
Fill it with peanut butter.

How are blonde flutists like the key of F# major?
Not a lot of naturals.


----------



## Donata

lol!


----------



## Donata




----------



## KenOC

Heard on the radio just now, for the season: Before the fall of the USSR, there was a Communist weather forecaster named Rudolph. One day he said to his wife, "It's going to rain pretty soon." She looked out the window and said, "I don't know, it looks clear to me."

The forecaster drew himself up and said, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."


----------



## Vaneyes

None are any worse than the chicken who crossed the street was poultry in motion.


----------



## superhorn

A man named Plotnick went into a music store . He checked out a violin and bow after looking around ,
and started to play . Out came heavenly music . The clerk asked "Are you a concert violinist ?"
Plotnick replied ,"Nah, I just fool around ."
The clerk said "Please wait here ". Be went into his private office in bad, and called a leading impresario and told him the man was a genius . The impresario said "It just happens that a big pianist had too cancel suddenly . Could your man be ready fast ?" 
Plotnick was available and jumped at the opportunity . His debut was sensational , and audiences went wild ! Critics compared I'm to the greatest violinists of all time . 
He was engaged for concerts and recitals all over the world's leading musical centers .
One day he played a recital in Geneva, where the American president and Russian premier were there for peace talks , and they were so soothed by his divine playing they were inspired to settle their differences and bury the hatchet .
In Cairo the next month, his playing brought peace and brotherhood to the warring Christians and Jews in the middle east . His dulcet tones even made the warring nations of Africa settle their differences !
The night after the concert in one of Africa's most volatile nations ,Plotnick lay in bed trying to relax .
The face of a lioness filled the small window in his room . "Mr. Plotnick, I heard your concert from afar 
and it was magnificent . The animals would like to hear you . Of course, they won't let us come into town, and we have no money to pay you to perform for us . 
Could you see your way as an errand of mercy , to play one concerto, one sonata or even one etude for us animals ?
Not being the greedy type, Plotnick agreed to come to perform for the animals . "Where is your concert hall, ", he asked . "We have no hall , but we made a clearing in the jungle, and I have a hundred animals waiting to hear you ."
As she had promised , a hundred animals of all kinds were sitting around . Platonic walked to the center the crowd, and was about to play when all of a sides a leopard jumped from a perch in a nearby tree . In two bites, the leopard did away with Plotncik . Two more bites and there was nothing left of him and his violin . 
Startled and appalled , the lioness asked the leopard why he had done such a terrible thing . 
"Why did you do that ? " The leopard cupped his paw to his ear and said "Eh ?" I can't hear you 
because I'm hard of hearing ! "


----------



## Abraham Lincoln

^^That was...incredibly depressing.


----------



## Donata




----------



## Lunasong

Rehearsal pain.


----------



## Lunasong




----------



## aimee

Swan Lake...


----------



## aimee

and the Dying Swan...


----------



## Ilarion

I'm feeling somewhat frisky right now after a snifter of 25 year old Single Malt Scotch:

Why did JSBach have so many children? There were no stops on his organ...


----------



## Ilarion

aimee said:


> (Explanation)


I liked Rachmaninov's hands - They remind me of mine - No, I can't play all the Rachmaninov Etudes Tableaux...


----------



## TxllxT




----------



## Ilarion

TxllxT said:


>


Tchaikovsky as element symbol...Now this will cause my brain to race the whole day...I Love It:clap:


----------



## Ilarion

Lunasong said:


>


Now, try to imagine a forty piece ensemble of Contrabass Saxophones honking away...The sound? Like so much Pachydermal Flatulence...:lol:


----------



## Donata




----------



## Ilarion

Lunasong said:


> Women are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand.
> 
> There was once a trumpet player who practiced 5 hours daily and was very conceited. He liked to toot his horn.
> 
> Organists really know how to throw a party. They pull out all the stops.
> 
> A clarinet player got in a car crash. It was her reed's fault.
> 
> There once was a violist who dreamed she was playing in an orchestra and when she woke up, she was playing in an orchestra.
> 
> THE ULTIMATE MUSICIANS' JOKE
> Q: How many players of a certain instrument does it take to perform a particular rudimentary musical activity?
> A: One to perform the activity, and the rest to exhibit a crude behavior related to some characteristic of the instrument.


Yeah! Lets all ask how our dear Senior Admin. Krummhorn throws a party - I understand he loves parties but he has no party horns, er, well, there is that kazoo(crumhorn)which he uses quite often, to the astonishment of the little old blue-haired ladies whose hearing aids become aggravated when he employs the crumhorn...


----------



## Abraham Lincoln

Ilarion said:


> I'm feeling somewhat frisky right now after a snifter of 25 year old Single Malt Scotch:
> 
> Why did JSBach have so many children? There were no stops on his organ...


----------



## TxllxT

Ilarion said:


> Tchaikovsky as element symbol...Now this will cause my brain to race the whole day...I Love It:clap:


Well, I just thought it's Talk Classical's 'Tc' !


----------



## Ilarion

TxllxT said:


> Well, I just thought it's Talk Classical's 'Tc' !


Dear Tc Colleague,

Thank you for enabling me to have a brainstorm - I am very amused and busy contacting some friends to bounce some ideas off of...:tiphat:


----------



## Ilarion

mstar said:


> I know the composer of Beethoven's ninth.


Really? There is such an interval of a ninth in Beethoven's compositions? Now it is getting interesting...


----------



## Ilarion

superhorn said:


> What's the difference between a conductor and God ? God doesn't think he's a conductor .
> 
> :lol: :lol: :lol:


Conductor? Why would God settle for second best?


----------



## Ilarion

superhorn said:


> Pianist Emanuel Ax and cellist Yo-Yo Ma are starting new trio with a famous German female violinist
> based on a Lizzie Borden theme .
> 
> It will be called "Ax Yo Mutter ".
> 
> :lol: :lol: :lol:


Yo dawg,

Lets not encourage any Matricide here, ok?


----------



## Ilarion

Pantheon said:


> Chuck Norris wrote 9 Symphonies... and is still alive.
> (Okay that was really bad, I admit it. Don't kill me !)


Chuck Norris, a composer??? Well, I knew him as a Texas Ranger - So, that means 9 symphonies based on the theme of "Downhome on the Range".


----------



## Ilarion

Lunasong said:


> Q) What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
> A) A fiddle is fun to listen to.
> 
> Q) What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
> A) No one minds if you spill beer on a fiddle.
> 
> Q) What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
> A) The more I don't practice my violin, the more it sounds like a fiddle.
> 
> Q) What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
> A) About $10,000.
> 
> Q) What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
> A) It's a fiddle when you buy it and a violin when you sell it.
> 
> Q) What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
> A) you can fiddle on a violin but you can't violin on a fiddle.
> 
> Q) What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
> A) On a fiddle you fiddle; on a violin, you violate.
> 
> Q) What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
> A) A violin sings; a fiddle dances.
> 
> Q) What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
> A) A violin has a brown neck; a fiddle has a *******.
> 
> Q) What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
> A) If you're playing violin, you can't stop in the middle of the tune and spit.
> 
> Q) What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
> A) You can stop a violin from playing if you take away the player's sheet music.
> You can stop a fiddle from playing if you put the sheet music in front of the player.​
> Q) What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
> A) The fiddler is employed.
> 
> Violinist: "As an encore, my accompanist and I should like to play 'Fantasie Melancholique La Feline and Scherzo' by Johann Von Schteppinit."
> Fiddler: "Now I'm gonna' tickle your ears with another little fiddler's tune called 'Scratch that cat; she's meowin' again.' Here we go now - one, two, three, four.... "
> 
> A fiddler and a violinist were walking through the woods together when a large bear came on to the path. The fiddler removed his shoes and prepared to run, The violinist said, "You can't out-run a bear..." The fiddler said, "I don't have to out run the bear; I just have to out-run you."


Oh Fiddle faddle...


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## Ilarion

Time to leave this thread before I get "Dys-tempered Hemiola"...


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## Taggart




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## Harmonie

I've seen this on Tumblr a number of times:

The only hot boys I'm getting are hautbois.


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## aimee




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## Klassic

What's the difference between God and Classical Music? 

Ans. Classical Music actually exists. :guitar:


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## Lunasong

Q: What happened when one famous composer hit another famous composer?

A: He hit Bach.


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## aimee




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## Abraham Lincoln

aimee said:


>


Feel the Bern(stein).


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## Ilarion

Klassic said:


> What's the difference between God and Classical Music?
> 
> Ans. Classical Music actually exists. :guitar:


Epic Fail...:scold:


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## superhorn

Exorbitantly-prized recording of Nielsen symphonies : Sinfonia Expensiva .


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## Sloe

Klassic said:


> What's the difference between God and Classical Music?
> 
> Ans. Classical Music actually exists. :guitar:


I hope you know this is a Danish forum and Denmark still have a blasphemy law.


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## Klassic

What did the Mob and Schoenberg both have in common? 

Ans: They were both in the garbage business.


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## Donata




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## Pugg

Donata said:


> View attachment 82608
> View attachment 82609
> View attachment 82610


Hilarious :lol:


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## Abraham Lincoln

Which composer was also famous for his studies in genetics?

Felix *Mendel*ssohn

(Or alternatively, Georg Friederich Mendel)


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## Richard8655

....................................


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## Lunasong

Q: What is is called when someone complains about key signatures?

A: Circle of Fits.


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## aimee




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## Stavrogin

:lol::lol::lol:


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## Lunasong

I play in an LA symphony and of the world’s greatest trumpet players sits directly in front of me. For those of you who don’t play brass instruments, you almost need a constant supply of water to keep from keeling over especially from two straight hours of playing.

So this player is absolutely brilliant. For this concert when we first started playing I had only seen him open his music once and then never again. His playing is f*cking unreal, and he has never once missed a note or played remotely out of tune. Let’s call him Sam.

So, Sam is the essential god of the trumpet, and everyone, including myself, treats him as a deity. There are just two problems with good ‘ole Sam; he’s nervous as *****, and always forgets his water bottle.

So, we’ve played this concert about five times, and this is our sixth. Halfway through, Sam plays a beautiful solo which could melt the soul of Satan into a warm puddle, and like clockwork, two measures before he plays, he leans back and steals my buddy Roy’s water bottle. This happens literally every concert, and it pisses Roy off because not matter how many times we tell him, he doesn’t give it back until the concert is over. An a**hole he is.

This sixth concert, we reach the solo, and as usual, Sam leans back, grabs the bottle and takes a big ‘ole swig… And chokes. Because that’s not water. It’s Vodka.

He drops the bottle, rushes to grab mine… More Vodka. Our conductor is looking at Sam, and it’s half a measure before he plays. Panicking, he picks up his trumpet… And plays his solo the best of his life. We took him out for drinks afterwords.

He bring two water bottles to concerts now.


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## Meyerbeer Smith

From the steam-powered, talking-type all-leather _Goon Show_:

GRYTPYPE-THYNNE:
It's Moriarty, where are you?

MORIARTY:
Here. In the piano.

GRYTPYPE-THYNNE:
What the devil are you doing in there?

MORIARTY:
I'm hidin'.

GRYTPYPE-THYNNE:
Don't be silly, Haydn's been dead for years.


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## Jacred

A percussionist is tired of being mocked all the time so he decides to learn a new instrument. He walks into a music store.

Clerk: "How may I help you?"

Percussionist: "I'd like that red trumpet and that accordion over there."

Clerk: "Sure, you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator stays."


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## mathisdermaler

What did the pianist say when his boss gave him a hard time at work?

"I'm only Schumann!"

Where do Baroque composers buy their groceries?

VivAldi

Who's Bach's favorite US president?

Baroque Obama


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## Pat Fairlea

I was told this one by a soprano who also plays the viola. She therefore has a large stock of lame music jokes.

If you push a soprano and a contralto off the top of a tall building at the same time, which one hits the ground first?

The contralto. The soprano loses her place halfway down.


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## Taggart

Ran across this collection on an ITM (Irish Traditional Music) site

http://www.mit.edu/~jcb/jokes/#definitions

It's actually part of a whole set of music jokes - http://www.mit.edu/~jcb/jokes/ - some of which relate more to ITM e.g. http://www.mit.edu/~jcb/jokes/#bodhran


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## Omicron9

What is the range of a clarinet? About 50 feet if you kick it hard enough.


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## Omicron9

HerlockSholmes said:


> Knock knock
> 
> Who's there?
> 
> Phillip Glass
> 
> Who?
> 
> Phillip Glass
> 
> Who?
> 
> Phillip Glass
> 
> Who?
> 
> Phillip Glass
> 
> Who?
> 
> Phillip Glass
> 
> Who?
> 
> Phillip Glass
> 
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> 
> Phillip Glass
> 
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> 
> Phillip Glass
> 
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> 
> Phillip Glass
> 
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> 
> Phillip Glass
> 
> Who?
> 
> Phillip Glass
> 
> Who?
> 
> Phillip Glass
> 
> Who?
> 
> Phillip Glass
> 
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> 
> Phillip Glass
> 
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> 
> Phillip Glass
> 
> Who?
> 
> Phillip Glass
> 
> Who?
> 
> Phillip Glass
> 
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> 
> Phillip Glass
> 
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> 
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> 
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> 
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> 
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> 
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> 
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> 
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> 
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> 
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> 
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> 
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> 
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> 
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> 
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> 
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> 
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> 
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> 
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> 
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> 
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> 
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> 
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> 
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> 
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> 
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> 
> Phillip Glass
> 
> Who?
> 
> John Cage
> 
> Who?
> 
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> 
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> 
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> 
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> 
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> 
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> 
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> 
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> 
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> 
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> 
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> 
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> 
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> 
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> 
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> 
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> 
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> 
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> 
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> 
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> 
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> 
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> 
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> 
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> 
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> 
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> 
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> 
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> 
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> 
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> 
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> 
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> 
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> 
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> 
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> 
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> 
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> 
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> 
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> 
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> 
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> 
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> 
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> 
> Who?
> 
> Phillip Glass
> 
> Repeat over and over for four minutes and thirty three seconds.


DING DING DING! I believe we have a winner.


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## Pugg

Omicron9 said:


> DING DING DING! I believe we have a winner.


 :trp::trp::trp: Do you think so??????


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## regenmusic

Did you hear about the lost Alan Hovhaness work they just found? 

He was tentatively going to title it "Everything that has Breath has a Nose and can Smell Things" but it wasn't poetic enough
so he gave up. 

(OK, very lame).


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## cellodin

1) What does a viola have in common with lawsuit?
Everyone's relieved when the case is closed.

2) What do you call a quarter tone?
Two violas playing in unison

3) How do you keep a violin from being stolen?
Keep it in a viola case

4) A violist parked in the wrong side of town known for crime with their viola left in his car. He realized this and that the neighborhood is know for theft so he ran back fearing his viola was stolen. When he came back he saw his backseat windows broken but rather than his viola being gone, there were three more.

5) How many 2nd violins does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
0 - they can't reach that high

6) What's the difference between a viola and an onion?
Everyone cries when they cut an onion



I think it's pretty obvious I'm a cellist/violinist LMAO


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## cellodin

Oh also once I saw a valentine's day card that said "I love you more than a trumpet player loves themseleves"


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## cellodin

Omicron9 said:


> What is the range of a clarinet? About 50 feet if you kick it hard enough.


 Omg this is great :lol:


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## Troy

Omicron9 said:


> What is the range of a clarinet? About 50 feet if you kick it hard enough.


I feel the Viola transcription of this joke sounds better


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## Lunasong

Q: What do conductors do in the off-season?
A: They direct traffic!


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## Larkenfield

"Haven't I seen your face before?" a judge demanded, looking down at the defendant.

"You have, Your Honor," the man answered hopefully. "I gave your son violin lessons last winter."

"Ah, yes," recalled the judge. "Twenty years!"

---

A violist is sitting in the front row, crying hysterically. The conductor askes the violist, "What's wrong?" The violist answers, "The second oboe loosened one of my tuning pegs." The conductor replied, "I admit, that seems a little childish, but nothing to get so upset about. Why are you crying?" To which the violist replied, "He won't tell me which one!!"


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## Josquin13

When David Oistrakh entered heaven, he found himself playing in the 2nd violin section. The conductor came out and began to conduct. When the 1st movement had ended, Oistrakh turned to the violinist next to him, and asked, "Who is this terrible conductor, I've never seen him before?" The violinist quickly replied, "Shhhh, that's God, he thinks he's von Karajan."

What do get when you bring four astrophysicists into a room?

Answer--a bad string quartet.

"DING DING DING! I believe we have a winner."

Have you ever heard Satie's Vexations? (Unlike Glass, at least Satie got the title right.)


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## Lunasong

how to tell time.


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## brianvds

cellodin said:


> 1) What does a viola have in common with lawsuit?
> Everyone's relieved when the case is closed.
> 
> 2) What do you call a quarter tone?
> Two violas playing in unison
> 
> 3) How do you keep a violin from being stolen?
> Keep it in a viola case
> 
> 4) A violist parked in the wrong side of town known for crime with their viola left in his car. He realized this and that the neighborhood is know for theft so he ran back fearing his viola was stolen. When he came back he saw his backseat windows broken but rather than his viola being gone, there were three more.
> 
> 5) How many 2nd violins does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
> 0 - they can't reach that high
> 
> 6) What's the difference between a viola and an onion?
> Everyone cries when they cut an onion
> 
> I think it's pretty obvious I'm a cellist/violinist LMAO


And then there was Victor Borge's:

What's the difference between a violin and a viola? A viola burns longer.

Apparently some or other conductor (Beecham perhaps? It sounds very Beecham): What's a viola player? Nothing but a horn player who lost his teeth.


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## KenOC

Conversation-ending viola joke:

Q Why don't violists get aids?
A Even viruses have their standards.


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