# Stupidest jokes (must be short and seemly)



## KenOC

A pirate with a steering wheel on his crotch walks into a bar and orders a pint of grog.

Bartender says, "Why certainly sir, but...did you notice you have a steering wheel on your crotch?"

Pirate says, "Arghhh, and it be drivin' me nuts!"

I lied about the seemly part.


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## geralmar

From a Bob Hope TV special, early 1960s:

"Do I smell punk?"
"No, you smell fine to me."


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## SeptimalTritone

What did the lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?

"See you next month!"


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## aleazk

SeptimalTritone said:


> What did the lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?
> 
> "See you next month!"


My reaction: Uh? I don't get it... (1 second later) Oh! (mental image), jeez!


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## Abraham Lincoln

SeptimalTritone said:


> What did the lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?
> 
> "See you next month!"


Coincidentially, I just happen to be on my period.


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## elgar's ghost

Patient: Doctor, my head's turning into a strawberry.

Doctor: Here's some cream for it.


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## Abraham Lincoln

Why did J. S. Bach have so many children?

He had no stops on his organ.


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## Headphone Hermit

From _The Royle Family_

Doorbell rings. 
Jim Royle: "If that's the Invisible Man, tell him I can't see him"

the old ones are the best?


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## SixFootScowl

What do you get if you cross an owl with a goat?

A hootenanny


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## ldiat

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ? 
CLASS: Maria.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today, than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there will be a large elderly population with perky boobs, huge erections------

AND absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.


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## Stavrogin

Dr. Celsius and Dr. Fahrenheit meet at an event of the Scientist Club.
Fahrenheit: This place is so cold!
Celsius: Nah, I'm fine.


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## geralmar

From obscure 1950s TV detective show:

"Mind if I smoke?"
"I don't care if you burn."


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## Lukecash12

1. A cabby picks up a nun on Halloween night. As they drive through town he eyes her nervously from time to time, until she finally asks: "what is it, my son?"
"Well, madame, I have to confess that I'd really like to kiss you, because I've never kissed a nun."
"Tell me, are you a good catholic?"
"Oh yes, I've been a good catholic man my whole life!"

Without hesitating, the nun gives the cabby a kiss that would make a hooker blush. Less than a minute later, the cabby begins sobbing.

"What's the matter?"
"I feel terrible, because I'm not really catholic. In fact, I'm Jewish."
"That's okay. My name's Kevin, and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."

2. Some poor sod got sent to a concentration camp during the war. Upon arrival, he found that he was at least lucky enough to get there just in time for a bit of grub in the mess hall.

While they were all eating, one of the inmates stood up and said: "24!" Immediately, every inmate and even a few guards started guffawing with tears in their eyes. Suddenly, another inmate stood up and said: "32!" That one brought the house down.

Confused, he ate the rest of his meal and resolved to ask one of his cellmates what had happened, later. When asked about it, the fella sharing a bunk with him said: "Oh, we've all heard the same jokes so many times that we just numbered them. You say the number, and everyone remembers it and laughs. We've been here a long time, you know."

The next day, when they sat down to their only meal, it wasn't long before someone stood up and said: "3!" That one was so good that not even a single guard could keep a straight face. Summoning up a little courage, he decided to stand up himself, and timidly said: "Ummm... 51." The silence was deafening. Before he had even sat down, another inmate was telling a joke, and everyone was eating it up.

Later that night, he asked his new friend what the problem was. His friend responded: "Well, some guys can tell a joke, and some guys just can't."

Sorry they weren't so short, but they were pretty stupid.


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## TxllxT

Three presidential candidates share the plane and are flying over America. All of sudden they start to wonder where they might be. 'No problem', says Bernie, 'I'll find out'. He opens one of the windows of the plane, puts out his arm and pulls it back. His arm is completely burnt. 'OK, we're above Death Valley'. The fly on and on. All of sudden they start to wonder where they might be. 'No problem', says Hillary, 'I'll find out'. She opens one of the windows of the plane, puts out her arm and pulls it back. Her arm is completely frozen. 'OK, we're above Alaska'. They fly on and on. All of sudden they start to wonder where they might be. 'No problem', says Donald, 'I'll find out'. He opens one of the windows of the plane, puts out his arm and pulls it back. Nothing happened. 'OK, we're above New York'. Bernie and Hillary look at him and ask: 'How do you know?' 'Well', Donald says, 'They just stole my watch'.


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## Jos

"Do you smoke after intercourse ?"

"Dunno, never payed any attention to it"


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## Dr Johnson

The room was full of pregnant women and their husbands. The instructor said, 

"Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path." He went on,

"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information. After a few moments one of the men slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?" said the Instructor.
"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag?”


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## aleazk

Abraham Lincoln said:


> Coincidentially, I just happen to be on my period.


Yes, but the real question here is: are you a lesbian vampire? and, second, do you know another one?


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## aleazk

Abraham Lincoln said:


> Why did J. S. Bach have so many children?
> 
> He had no stops on his organ.


It's said that, when playing his organ, Bach had the quickest feets of the whole Baroque era...


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## superhorn

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb ? Fish !

What's the favorite drink of frogs ? Croaka- Cola !

What's the difference between a fox and a dog ? About five drinks .

What happens to a for that's parked illegally ? It gets toad away !

How many college freshmen does it take to change a light bulb . They don't learn this until their sophomore year .


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## superhorn

Oops ! This should read "What happens to a frog that's parked illegally ?" It gets toad away . My bad .


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## elgar's ghost

How many company directors does it take to change a light bulb?

Ten. One to change the bulb and nine to write reports on how expendable the last one was.

How many women with PMT does it take to change a light bulb?

Six.

Why six?

*'COS IT JUST DOES, OK?!*


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## SixFootScowl

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? 

One to climb the ladder, 
one to shake the ladder, 
and one to sue the ladder company. :lol:


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## Lukecash12

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician have to build a fence around a flock of sheep, using as little material as possible. The engineer forms the flock into a circular shape and constructs a fence around it. The physicist builds a fence with an infinite diameter and pulls it together until it fits around the flock. The mathematician thinks for a while, then builds a fence around himself and defines himself as being outside.

A banker, a politician and a teacher are having lunch. The waiter brings over 100 after dinner cookies. The banker immediately eats one of the cookies, stuffing 98 more of them in every available pocket of his clothing, comically bulging and overflowing, and likely inedible. The politician and teacher eye each other over the last cookie. The banker pushes some crumbs over to the politician, leans over, and says, "if you can get me that cookie, there's more where that came from."


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## Huilunsoittaja

Wow, I'm impressed at the jokes about women here. We must be quite the life of the party, eh?


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## Haydn man

Old bull and a young bull in field full of cows
Young bull says 'hey, let's run over there and make love to a few of those cows'
Old bull replies 'no, let's walk over and do it to them all'


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## ldiat

what kind of trees do scientists plant??? 


Chemis-trees! get it!:lol:

Ohhh it was on TV the other day


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## Ingélou

Where did Montezuma go to college?
Az Tech.

Medical authorities claim that it is safer to sleep on the right side only. They claim that it is injurious to health to lie on both sides. But it doesn't seem to do lawyers any harm.

An old cottager went into a shop and asked for four dozen mothballs. 
'But,' said the shop assistant, 'you bought four dozen mothballs only yesterday.'
'I know,' said the cottager, 'but those moths are blooming hard to hit...'

A country bumpkin went to London & found himself on the Underground late at night. Seeing a notice *DOGS MUST BE CARRIED ON THE ESCALATOR*, he moaned to himself, 'Where the heck am I going to find a dog at this time of night?'


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## KenOC

[To be recounted with appropriate Scottish brogue] A sergeant-major walks into the chemist's shop and produces a lambskin condom full of holes. "Sir, I need this repaired or replaced." The chemist inspects it and says, "I can repair this for fourpence or give you a new one for eightpence." "Thank you, sir," says the seregeant-major. "I'll be back next week."

Sure enough, a week later the sergeant major walks in again. "Sir, the regiment has voted to replace it."


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## TurnaboutVox

This appeared in 'Viz' many years ago, but it's probably much older than that.










And one from real life:

Rather pompous consultant surgeon, with entourage of 6 medical students:

Surgeon: "So you've had a urine infection, my man?"
Elderly farmer (not intimidated) "Aye, I have"
Surgeon: "You have pain passing water, then?"
Farmer: "Aye"
Surgeon: "And does your p**** burn at the tip?"
Farmer: "I dinna ken. I've never tried to light it"

(Medical students all try to keep a straight face!)


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## KenOC

A man in a Florida supermarket tried to buy half a head of lettuce.

The very young produce assistant told him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce.

The man persisted and asked to see the manager.

The boy said he'd ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager: "Some ******* wants to buy half a head of lettuce."

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

"Canada Sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.

The boy said "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."

"Really," said the manager. "My wife is from Canada."

"No ****" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"


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## KenOC

Possible repeat warning: Man goes to see his doctor. He's all bruised and cut, still bleeding from several scrapes.

Doctor: My God man, what happened to you?

Man: I went to answer my door this morning and there was this huge insect there who just started beating me.

Doctor: Yes, I heard there was a nasty bug going around.


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## ldiat

funny joke hahaha


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## ldiat

A really brutally ugly guy walked up to a girl, squeezed her **** and said, "Give me your number, sexy". 

The girl replied "Have you got a pen"? 

The guy smiled and said "Yes of course". 

She replied, "Well you better get back to it, before the farmer notices you're missing".


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## Lukecash12

I've got a *really* dumb one for yous guys.

So, this fella named Arti decided he was going to be a hitman. When he asked his friend for a job, the guy said:

"Why don't you start by doin' my wife?"
"How much you goin' ta pay?"
"Five buckaroones, pal."
"Just five? Wul it's a start..."

So he found her in Walmart and started choking her right in the middle of the aisle. Pretty soon another lady saw him doing it and he did her too because he didn't want any witnesses. Sure enough, they caught the dumb sod and hauled him off to the big house.

What did the newspaper say the next week? "Artichokes two for five dollars at Walmart."


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## Guest

Venison's dear isn't it?


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## Guest

Pretentious, moi?


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## SixFootScowl

Darth Vader marries Ella Fitzgerald and they have a baby. What do they call her? Ella Vader


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## SixFootScowl

A piece of string walks into a bar and walks up to the counter.

The bartender says, "Sorry mate, we don't serve pieces of string in here, get lost."

Upset, the piece of string walks out the door. A sudden thought strikes him. He ties himself in a knot and messes his hair up.

He walks back into the bar and approaches the counter. The bartender says, "Oi, aren't you that piece of string from before...?"

"No," says the piece of string, "I'm a frayed knot."


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## SixFootScowl

Mr. Oppotknockity is a superb piano tuner. He has spent more than 30 years honing his craft and has made quite a reputation for himself. He got a call from a guy who had just bought a grand piano and requested Mr. Opporknockity to come and tune it. Mr. Opporknockity spent more than 3 hours tuning the grand piano to perfection, collected his fee and left.

A couple of days later, the customer calls Mr. Opporknockity and informs him that the piano is not in tune. The customer demands Mr. Opporknockity to return and re-tune the piano. To which Mr. Opporknockity replied, "I'm sorry, but Opporknockity only tunes once."


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## ldiat

Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."
"We don't have any," replied the first blonde.
"Well, if you're going to fish, you need fishing licenses," said the Game Warden.
"But officer," replied the second blonde, "we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."
The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it," said the Game Warden. "Take all the debris you want." And with that, he left.
As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb Fish Cop," the second blonde said to the other two. "Doesn't he know that there are steelhead trout in this river?"


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## ldiat

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? 
DONALD: H I J K L M N O. 
TEACHER: What are you talking about? 
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O


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## Abraham Lincoln

ldiat said:


> Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."
> "We don't have any," replied the first blonde.
> "Well, if you're going to fish, you need fishing licenses," said the Game Warden.
> "But officer," replied the second blonde, "we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."
> The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it," said the Game Warden. "Take all the debris you want." And with that, he left.
> As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb Fish Cop," the second blonde said to the other two. "Doesn't he know that there are steelhead trout in this river?"


What's with all the prejudice against blondes?


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## Abraham Lincoln

Teacher: Tony, how old is your father?

Tony: 6 years old.

Teacher: How is that possible?

Tony: He only became "father" after mama gave birth to me.


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## geralmar

Doctor: "I'm sorry; I've got bad news and I've got terrible news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Patient: "Give me the bad news."
Doctor: "You've got 24 hours to live."
Patient: "What's the terrible news?"
Doctor: "I should've told you yesterday."


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## Gordontrek

"And That's When the Fight Started."

I bought my mother-in-law a cemetery plot for a Christmas gift. Next year I didn't get her anything. She asked me "How come you didn't get me a Christmas gift?"
I said, "You still haven't used the one I got you last year!"
And that's when the fight started..

My wife was looking in the mirror. She said, "I look awful. Old, fat, wrinkly, flabby. I need you to pay me a compliment."
I said, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."
And that's when the fight started..

I accidentally rear-ended someone in traffic. We pulled over, and then he got out of his car. And you know what was funny? He was a midget! Practically a dwarf! He was angry. He got out, slammed the door, stormed over to me and yelled, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!"
I said, "Well then, which one are you?"
And that's when the fight started..

Was watching TV. The wife comes and sits down beside me and asks, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And that's when the fight started..

My mother-in-law insisted I take her out to dinner, so I did. The waiter came around and took my order first. I said, "I'll have the rump steak, please. He said, "You're not worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started..


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## elgar's ghost

From the late Bob Monkouse:

'When I said I was going to become a comedian, they all laughed. Well, they're not laughing now...'


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## sosophisticated

Here's a short joke

"Donald Trump"


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## Cosmos

So, an Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are at the back of a crowd forming around a street magician. The magician sees the four men come up to the show a bit late, and gets up on the table so they don't miss the next trick.

"Can you four see me now?"

"Yes"
"Oui"
"Sí"
"Ja"


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## Lukecash12

The difference between how French, German, and Irish people drink:

A Frenchman, Irishman, and German were sitting at a bar together and each had a fly drop into their beer at the same time. The Frenchman immediately pushed away his beer in disgust. The German, on the other hand, merely laughed, plucking the fly out of his drink and finishing it. The Irishman screamed "spit it out, you mother******", and *then* he finished his beer.


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## Guest

Lukecash12 said:


> The difference between how French, German, and Irish people drink:
> 
> A Frenchman, Irishman, and German were sitting at a bar together and each had a fly drop into their beer at the same time. The Frenchman immediately pushed away his beer in disgust. The German, on the other hand, merely laughed, plucking the fly out of his drink and finishing it. The Irishman screamed "spit it out, you mother******", and *then* he finished his beer.


Haha! But... a Frenchman....drinking beer....surely not!!!


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## Dim7

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The bartender turns to them, takes one look, and says, "What is this - some kind of joke?"


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## Guest

sosophisticated said:


> Here's a short joke
> 
> "Donald Trump"


Yes, a comedy now, but it could become a tragedy.


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## elgar's ghost

Not so much a joke as a witticism by Spike Milligan:

'Many people die of thirst but only the Irish are born with it.'


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## Stavrogin

Lukecash12 said:


> The difference between how French, German, and Irish people drink:
> 
> A Frenchman, Irishman, and German were sitting at a bar together and each had a fly drop into their beer at the same time. The Frenchman immediately pushed away his beer in disgust. The German, on the other hand, merely laughed, plucking the fly out of his drink and finishing it. The Irishman screamed "spit it out, you mother******", and *then* he finished his beer.


There was an Italian as well with them.
He plucked the fly out his drink, drank the beer almost completely, then put the fly back in, and called the waiter: "There was a fly in my beer, will you bring me another one please".


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## Wandering

What's the bad part about eating vegetables?

You have to put them back in the wheelchair.

I suppose you don't have to but it would be thoughtful.


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## Stavrogin

Customer at the restaurant: "Waiter please, what is this dish?"
Waiter: "It's bean soup"
Customer: "I'd like to know what it is now"


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## Wandering

A man is lying on the road after a bad car accident.
A witness rushes to his aid, laying his coat under the wounded mans head and asks, “Are you comfortable?”
“I make a living,” he responds.


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## sosophisticated

The only time I came close to making my own joke was when someone asked if you were worried about being possessed by evil spirits. I replied, no, I exorcise regularly.


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## Wandering

A bar/pub pick up line I remember from a film. 

I haven't seen you here before. I like that in a women.


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## Lukecash12

Wandering said:


> A bar/pub pick up line I remember from a film.
> 
> I haven't seen you here before. I like that in a women.


"Are you retarded, honey? Because you sure look special!"


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## Wandering

How Worcestershire Sauce Got its name.

A big man in town no one wanted to mess with walks into a restaurant. The whole place quiets down. He points at a bottle on the table and asks "What that there sauce?" And everyone replies, "Yup, that's what it is."


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## KenOC

An Englishman driving along a country road comes across an accident. The car is in the ditch and the driver is lying alongside bleeding with limbs pointing every which direction.

"I say, old chap, have an accident?"

"No thanks, just had one."


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## KenOC

But...stupidest of the stupid.

Q: What weighs 600 pounds, is green and slimy, and eats people?

A: A giant man-eating elephant snot.


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## isorhythm

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A fsh


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## KenOC

Back in Victorian times, Sir Reginald sets off for Africa to hunt the dreaded foo bird. Foo birds always fly in flocks of 12, and if you don't kill them all, the remainder will dive bomb and defecate on you. It is said that if you ever wash it off you will die.

After the obligatory tromp though veldt and jungle, the birds are sighted. Sir Reginald takes his repeating rifle from his bearer and fires: Bang bang bang! Twelve times he fires, and twelve foo birds fall from the sky.

Returning to England, Sir Reginald is feted by high society, given awards by the queen, is featured in a major story in the new National Geographic...and so forth.

But soon the hoopla dies down and he is seldom recognized walking the street. So he returns to Africa to repeat his feat.

Again he journeys through impassable countryside until at last the foo birds are again sighted. Again he takes his rifle and fires. Bang bang bang! Twelve time he fires -- but only eleven foo birds fall from the sky. The twelfth dive bombs and douses him liberally with foo bird excrement.

Sir Reginald returns to England and there are no parties, no honors, and in fact people go out of their way to avoid him. He is terribly distressed! The months pass until he can take it no more. He turns on his shower and steps in to wash off the foo bird poop. Immediately he collapses and dies.

Moral: If the foo s***s, wear it.


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## Wandering

I once new this farmer that had cows. One particular cow he became rather fond of and decided to give it a name. After he named it he felt obliged to let it into his house where it ended up staying for many years. The farmer was very upset about all this because the situation quickly becoming a huge hassle and bummer. 

Moral: Don't name your cow.


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## KenOC

A salesman is travelling along a country road when he sees something that causes him to pull over and stop. In a farmyard there is a pig with a wooden leg. Overcome by curiosity, he walks up to the farmhouse door and knocks. 

"Hello, how can I help ye?" 

"Well, I couldn't help noticing that you had a pig with a wooden leg. May I ask..." 

"Oh that pig? The pig over there? I tell ye, that's one fine pig. One day little Millie fell in the stream and that pig jumped in and pulled her right out. Yes sir, that's some pig, I'm tellin' ye!" 

"Yes, I'm sure it's a very fine pig, but..." 

"That pig over there? A superb pig it is! A few years back, after a fine harvest, I was looking for investments. I was going to buy Yahoo, but that pig grabbed my sleeve and pulled my hand down to Google. That's what I bought, and happy I am that I did!" 

"Well yes, very impressive I'm sure, but.." 

"That pig over there? You mean that one? Let me tell ye, sir, that one night our house caught fire, and that pig ran right in and waked us all, even pulled little Mary to safety. A marvelous pig it is, and that's no error." 

The salesman, pushed past the bounds of patience, grabs the farmer by the throat and cries, "But why, why does the pig have a wooden leg???" 

"Oh, that pig over there? Well, a pig that good, you don't eat it all at once."


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## Stavrogin

Cosmos said:


> So, an Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are at the back of a crowd forming around a street magician. The magician sees the four men come up to the show a bit late, and gets up on the table so they don't miss the next trick.
> 
> "Can you four see me now?"
> 
> "Yes"
> "Oui"
> "Sí"
> "Ja"


I didn't get it


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## Badinerie

Q:How does the Pope buy all his online purchases


Aapal


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## sosophisticated

So, an Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are at the back of a crowd forming around a street magician. The magician sees the four men come up to the show a bit late, and gets up on the table so they don't miss the next trick.

"Can you four see me now?"

"Yes"
"Oui"
"Sí"
"Ja"


Stavrogin said:


> I didn't get it


"Yes, we see ya."


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## sosophisticated

Q: Why the did the quantum physicist cross the road?

A: He was on his way to a seminar where he wanted to discuss time-resolved measurement of photon states using two-photon interference withphotons from short-time reference pulses.Photons are one of the most versatile systems for the implementation of quantum information processes. The most
accessible degrees of freedom are polarization and the spatial degrees of freedom defined by optical paths. In addition,
it is possible to encode quantum information in the different frequency modes along the direction of propagation.
Encoding information in this energy-time degree of freedom may be more robust against mechanical instabilities than
the alternatives and could therefore be especially useful in long-distance quantum communication [1, 2].
Energy-time entanglement was first demonstrated by Franson [3], and has been applied in quantum cryptography
[4, 5] and quantum communication [6-8]. Originally, these approaches are based on comparatively long timescales,
so that the necessary time resolution can be achieved by the photon detection systems directly. However, recent
technological developments make it possible to generate entanglement on time scales much shorter than the time
resolution of available detectors [9-11]. To fully utilize the potential of such broadband sources of entangled photons,
it is necessary to develop measurement systems that can characterize the quantum states of photons on extremely
short time scales.
In previous experimental work, short time correlations between entangled photons were confirmed by observing the
rate of two photon absorption in second harmonic generation, effectively reversing the role of the source to serve as
a detector [12, 13]. However, the measurement information so obtained is insufficient for a complete characterization
of the quantum state. More detailed information can be obtained by the two-photon interference between a pair
of down-converted photons, where the shape of the Hong-Ou-Mandel dip can provide spectral information about
the photon pairs [14, 15]. However, this method only demonstrates that the photons have some time dependent
correlation, without deciding whether this correlation is between detection times or represent a time dependence of
energy, e.g. in chirped pulses.
An independent time standard can be realized by using reference pulses from a separate photon source. With such
independently generated references, it is possible to use the photon bunching effect of the two photon interference
between one reference photon and the signal photon to achieve a time resolved measurement at the time scale
determined by the pulse time of the reference pulse. Intuitively, bunching should only occur when the reference
photon and the input photon coincide in time. However, bunching is also sensitive to the temporal coherence of the
reference pulse. To optimize the information gained about the state of the input photon, it is essential to understand
these effects of temporal coherences in the reference pulses on the bunching statistics. In the following, we therefore
analyze the quantum statistics obtained from appropriate short time reference pulses and explore the possibilities of
quantum tomography and entanglement verification in the time domain based on two-photon interference.
∗Electronic address: [email protected]
2
In Sec. II, we describe the coincidence rates in the output ports of the two-photon interference in terms of a
projective measurement operator defined by the optical quantum state of the photon from the reference pulse. In Sec.
III, the effects of time delays used to scan the temporal features of the signal photon state are considered. Significantly,
the measurement is equivalent to the projection on an ideal eigenstate of time if the bandwidth of the input state is
narrower than that of the reference pulse. It is therefore possible to optimize the reference pulse shape according to
the basic optical properties of the input. In Sec. IV, we show how a superposition of reference pulses at two times can
be used to obtain the temporal coherence of the input state. We can then achieve full quantum tomography in the
time domain. In Sec. V, we apply the results to derive an experimental criterion for the verification of the temporal
entanglement of down-converted photon pairs.
II. TWO-PHOTON INTERFERENCE WITH A REFERENCE PHOTON
Photon bunching of the Hong-Ou-Mandel type is observed when two photons are incident on a 50 : 50 beam splitter
from opposite sides. If the photons share the same temporal and transverse coherence, two photon interference
eliminates the possibility that they will exit the beam splitter on opposite sides. However, any mismatch in the
temporal or transverse coherence will result in the appearance of photons exiting at opposite sides. Coincidence
detection of photons on opposite sides of the beam splitter is therefore a direct measure of the mismatch between the
quantum states of the photons that entered the beam splitter.
reference signal
1 2
FIG. 1: Illustration of a bunching measurement of an unknown photon state using a short time reference photon and a 50 : 50
beam splitter.
To obtain temporal features of a signal photon, we consider the use of a reference photon from a short time
pulse, as illustrated in Fig. 1. The transformation of the light field at the beam splitter can be represented by the
transformation of the temporal annihilation operators,
ˆb1(t) = 1
√
2
(ˆa1(t) + ˆa2(t))
ˆb2(t) = 1
√
2
(ˆa1(t) − aˆ2(t)), (1)
where ˆa1(t) and ˆa2(t) are the input field operators and ˆb1(t) and ˆb2(t) are the output field operators for a given input
time t. Since the photon in input port 1 is the reference photon, its input state is known and given by the reference
state | Φrefi. In the single photon time basis, this state is represented by
| Φrefi =
Z
φ(t)ˆa
†
1
(t)dt | 0i, (2)
where φ(t) = ht | Φrefi is the time dependence of the reference pulse amplitude.
In general, the probability of a joint detection of one photon in output 1 at time t1 and one photon in outport 2 at
time t2 is
G
(2)(t1, t2) = h
ˆb
†
1
(t1)
ˆb
†
2
(t2)
ˆb2(t2)
ˆb1(t1)i. (3)
We can transform this expression into an expectation value for the coherences of the two photon input state using Eq.
(1). Since the reference state is known, the joint probability can be expressed in terms of a projection on the single
photon state in the signal port 2. The projection operator for detections at times t1 and t2 can then be given by
Πˆ
s(t1, t2) = 1
4
(φ(t1)φ
∗
(t1) | t2iht2 | −φ(t1)φ
∗
(t2) | t2iht1 | − φ(t2)φ
∗
(t1) | t1iht2 | +φ(t2)φ
∗
(t2) | t1iht1 |) (4)
3
However, this measurement operator assumes perfect time resolution of the detection. In realistic photon detectors,
the detection times that can be resolved are usually much longer than the pulse times of the available reference pulses.
We can therefore assume that the photon time will be completely unknown, so that the actual measurement operator of the photon coincidence is obtained by integrating over all measurement times,
Mˆ
s =
Z Z Πˆ
s(t1, t2)dt1dt2 =
1
2
−
1
2
| ΦrefihΦref | . (5)
Thus, the effect of two-photon interference with the reference photon on the coincidence counts is given by a single
photon measurement operator defined by the projection on the state of the reference. In the following, we will consider
the effects of the spectral and temporal features of the reference on the time resolution of the measurement.
III. TIME RESOLVED MEASUREMENT AND BANDWIDTH LIMITATION
Time resolved measurements can be realized by scanning the peak time of the reference pulse using an appropriate
time-delay. To represent this time delay in our formalism, we can simply shift the temporal wavefunction, so that the
amplitude at input time t
′
for a delay time of t corresponds to
ht
′
| Φ(t)i = φ(t
′
− t) (6)
Alternatively, this time shift can be expressed by a phase factor in the frequency representation,
hω | Φ(t)i = e
iωthω | Φ(0)i. (7)
An ideal measurement of time would project on the state | ti defined by a delta function in time or, in the frequency
representation, by
hω | ti =
1
√
2π
e
iωt
. (8)
The comparison of real state (7) and ideal state (8) shows that the difference can be expressed by a time-shift
independent attenuation of the frequency components, so that
| Φ(t)i =
Z √
2π hω | Φ(0)i | ωihω | dω

| ti = Fˆ | ti. (9)
The problem of time resolution can therefore be expressed completely in terms of the filter operation Fˆ that converts
the ideal time eigenstate into the reference pulse. The measurement operator for a reference time t is then given by
Mˆ
s(t) = 1
2
−
1
2
Fˆ | tiht | Fˆ†
. (10)
To determine the overlap between | Φ(t)i and an unknown input state | ψi, we can first apply the adjoint filter operator
Fˆ†
to modify the frequency amplitudes of the input state. The overlap of the original state with the reference state
is then equal to the overlap of the modified state with an eigenstate of time.
In general, the eigenvalues of Fˆ† are equal to √
2π times the complex conjugate of the frequency amplitude hω | Φ(0)i
of the reference pulse. Since dispersion effects caused by phase changes in the frequency components should be avoided,
it is best to use transform limited reference pulses with real and positive amplitudes. In this case, Fˆ is a self-adjoint
operator acting like a dispersion-free band-pass filter. Optimally, the frequency spectrum of the reference pulse should
be approximately rectangular, resulting in constant transmission of a specific bandwidth. The temporal measurement
will then be completely accurate for all input fields within that bandwidth.
It may also be worth noting that the depth of the dip in the coincidence count rate described by the measurement
operator in Eq.(10) depends on the bandwidth ∆ω of the reference pulse. For a rectangular spectrum of the reference
pulse, the average number of coincidence counts Nc from an input state | ψi with a frequency spectrum entirely withinthe bandwidth of ∆ω is given by
Nc =
1
2
−
π
∆ω
|ht | ψi|2
. (11)
To optimize the signal-to-noise ratio of the measurement, it is therefore desirable to use the minimal bandwidth
acceptable for the respective input states.
4
IV. MEASUREMENT OF TEMPORAL COHERENCE
As shown in the previous section, the probability distribution of photons in time can be obtained from the photon
bunching characteristics of two-photon interference with photons in a single short-time reference pulse. In terms of
the temporal density matrix, we can then reconstruct the diagonal elements ht | ρˆ | ti. A complete tomographic
reconstruction of an unknown quantum state can be achieved by determining all elements ht1 | ρˆ | t2i, including the
off-diagonal elements that describe coherences between two different times t1 and t2.
Since photon bunching with a reference corresponds to a projection on the state of this reference, coherences between
two times can be probed by using superpositions of two short-time pulses as a reference. The setup for this kind of
measurement is shown in Fig. 2. The coherent reference is generated by interference between the original pulse and
a time-delayed pulse, so that the reference is in an equal superposition of input times t1 and t2,
| Φrefi =
1
√
2
Fˆ(| t1i+ | t2i), (12)
where we used Eq. (9) to express the superposition in terms of time eigenstates and the filter operator Fˆ representing
the permitted bandwidth.
reference signal
t2-t1
FIG. 2: Setup for the measurement of temporal coherence using coherent superpositions of reference pulses at two different
times, t1 and t2.
Unfortunately, the phase in this superposition is fixed to zero, because the shape of the initial reference pulse defines
the precise phase at peak time ti
. To achieve complete quantum tomography, we need to consider the possibility of
obtaining phase information from the dependence of coherence on the time difference between t1 and t2. Since our
measurement has a limited bandwidth centered around a carrier frequency of ω0, we can assume that small shifts
in the time difference do result in a corresponding phase shift ϕ = ∆t/ω0. Although the time eigenstates | ti and
| t+
ϕ
ω0
i are orthogonal, they are nearly indistinguishable within the bandwidth considered, as long as ϕ is sufficiently
smaller than ω0/∆ω. Specifically, the application of the filter function Fˆ ensures that
Fˆ | t +
ϕ
ω0
i ≈ e
−iϕFˆ | ti. (13)
Arbitrary phase shifts can then be realized with −π ≤ ϕ ≤ π. In this range, it is usually reasonable to consider the
above approximation as valid, so that the state | t +
ϕ
ω0
i can be replaced by e
−iϕ | ti. A quantitative test of this
assumption can be obtained from the normalized overlap σ of the filtered states,
σ =
|ht | Fˆ†Fˆ | t +
ϕ
ω0
i|2
ht | Fˆ†Fˆ | ti ht +
ϕ
ω0
| Fˆ†Fˆ | t +
ϕ
ω0
i
. (14)
In most cases, σ will be close to one for the whole range of phase shifts. It is then safe to assume that we can
generate superpositions of different times with arbitrary phases. The measurement operators obtained with these
superpositions read
Mˆ
s(t1, t2, ϕ) = 1
2
−
1
4
Fˆ

| t1iht1 | +e
−iϕ | t1iht2 | +e
iϕ | t2iht1 | + | t2iht2 |

Fˆ†
. (15)
By scanning t1, t2 and ϕ over the appropriate range of values, a complete tomographic reconstruction of the density
matrix ht1 | ρˆ | t2i of the input photons is possible.
5
V. VERIFICATION OF ENERGY-TIME ENTANGLEMENT
In principle, it is a straightforward matter to apply the quantum tomography scheme described in the previous
section to photon pairs in energy-time entangled states. As shown in Fig. 3, it is merely necessary to extend the
two photon coincidence measurements for a signal photon and a reference photon to the four photon coincidences
observed for two signal photons with two separate references. The measurement operator of the four-fold coincidence
then reads
Mˆ
p(t1A, t2A, ϕA;t1B, t2B, ϕB) = Mˆ
s(t1A, t2A, ϕA) ⊗ Mˆ
s(t1B, t2B, ϕB), (16)
where the operators Mˆ
s describe the single photon results according to Eq.(15). This operator can be further separated
into a positive background, negative contributions from local bunching at either A or B, and a positive term from the
correlation between bunching effects. Since only the last term is required for the characterization of entanglement,
we can focus on this term, given by the projection on the product of the two references in A and in B,
| ΦA; ΦBi =
1
2
Fˆ ⊗ Fˆ

| t1A, t1Bi + e
iϕA | t2A, t1Bi + e
iϕB | t1A, t2Bi + e
i(ϕA+ϕB)
| t2A, t2Bi

(17)
The projector corresponding to this reference state can be represented in the four dimensional subspace spanned by
reference
MB
MA
B
signal
A
reference
FIG. 3: Setup for correlated measurements on energy-time entangled photon pairs.
the temporal eigenstates of times t1A, t2A in path A, and t1B, t2B in path B. In this two-by-two Hilbert space, the
projector can be given by the matrix
Pˆ(ϕA, ϕB) = 1
4


1 e
−iϕB e
−iϕA e
−i(ϕA+ϕB)
e
iϕB 1 e
−i(ϕA−ϕB)
e
−iϕA
e
iϕA e
i(ϕA−ϕB) 1 e
−iϕB
e
i(ϕA+ϕB)
e
iϕA e
iϕB 1

 , (18)
where the basis states are {| t1A, t1Bi, | t1A, t2Bi, | t2A, t1Bi, | t2A, t2Bi}. By varying the phases in A and in B, it is
possible to distinguish contributions with different phase factors. In particular, it is possible to identify the coherence
between | t1A, t1Bi and | t2A, t2Bi from the coincidence data, since it is the only term that depends on the sum of ϕA
and ϕB. This term describes a genuine two-photon coherence and is particularly useful for the verification of temporal
entanglement.
For single photon states, the coherence between | t1i and | t2i is limited by |ht1 | ρˆ | t2i| ≤ 1/2. Therefore, the two
photon coherence between | t1A, t1Bi and | t2A, t2Bi achieved by separable states is limited to
|ht1A, t1B | ρˆsep.
| t2A, t2Bi| ≤ 1
4
. (19)
For entangled states, the same coherence can be as high as 1/2. It is therefore possible to verify temporal entanglement
directly by detecting values of ht1A, t1B | ρˆ | t2A, t2Bi > 1/4 at a fixed set of detection times. In typical experiments
using parametric down-conversion, photon pairs will be emitted simultaneously, so entanglement can be verified for
t1A = t1B and t2A = t2B. For time differences of t2 − t1 smaller than the correlation time of the down-conversion
process, single photon cohernces will emerge between t1 and t2, resulting in a reduction of the observed entanglement.
This transition between two-photon coherence and single photon coherences can be used to identify the timescale of
the entanglement. For instance, it may be reasonable to define the timescale achieved by broadband entanglement
sources as the time difference t2 −t1 at which the coherence ht1, t1 | ρˆ | t2, t2i crosses the value of 3/8 halfway between
maximal entanglement and separability. Thus, bunching with coherent superpositions of short-time reference pulses
provides an experimental method of identifying the ultra-short quantum correlation times of broadband entanglement
sources.
6
VI. CONCLUSIONS
We have shown that the quantum state of an unknown input photon can be completely determined by two-photon
interference with reference photons from short-time references pulses. In particular, the bunching effect observed with
a single reference pulse corresponds to a projection on a time eigenstate, where the limited time resolution can be
represented by a filter function that eliminates frequencies outside of the bandwidth of the reference pulse. To obtain
an optimal signal-to-noise ratio, it is desirable to make this bandwidth as narrow as possible without losing too much
of the input signal. Two-time coherences can be evaluated using superpositions of two pulses shifted to appropriate
times. The phase relation between these pulses can be controlled in the conventional manner,by time shifts shorter
than one period of the central frequency of the reference pulse. It is then possible to achieve a complete tomographicreconstruction of the temporal density matrix from the two-photon interference data.
The application of our tomography scheme to energy-time entanglement is straightforward. However, it may often
be sufficient to evaluate the entanglement from only a few selected measurements. In the present scheme, the effective
two-level entanglement between two pairs of detection times can be determined from the phase dependence of the four
photon coincidences in the output ports. It is then possible to characterize the time dependence of entanglement in
terms of the two-photon coherences between two different detection times, where the characteristic timescale might
be given in terms of the time separation where the coherence is halfway between its maximal and its separable value.
The entanglement times achieved by various sources of energy-time entangled photon pairs can then be determined
experimentally using well-defined criteria.
In conclusion, photon bunching with short time references may prove to be a helpful addition to the available
experimental methods for the study of energy-time entanglement and related quantum effects on ultrashort timescales.

*ba dum tish*


----------



## Stavrogin

sosophisticated said:


> So, an Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are at the back of a crowd forming around a street magician. The magician sees the four men come up to the show a bit late, and gets up on the table so they don't miss the next trick.
> 
> "Can you four see me now?"
> 
> "Yes"
> "Oui"
> "Sí"
> "Ja"
> 
> "Yes, we see ya."


Thanks  
I had focused on a possible "four see" / "foresee" tweak instead, lol


----------



## Wandering

It's my impression that crazy people don't work as hard as going postal workers.


----------



## Gordontrek

"Here's Your Sign"

Driving down the road, and got a flat tire. I pulled into a gas station and started trying to remove the tire. The station attendant came out and said "You got a flat tire?"
I said, "Nope, driving down the road and the other three just blew up."

Had a job as a truck driver. I was about to go underneath a highway bridge when I saw a sign warn of low clearance. It was too late to do anything about it, so I kept on going. I didn't make it, and my truck got wedged underneath the bridge. A cop stopped to help and said, "You get stuck?"
I said, "Nope, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

Went fishing with a buddy and caught an enormous haul of bass. As we came back into dock, someone shouted to us, "Y'all catch all them fish?"
I said, "Nope, talked 'em into giving up."

Was getting my house remodeled. The workers had to move our piano for something. A worker said to me, "Is that your piano?"
I said, "No that's our coffee table, it just has buck teeth."

Had a friend over for dinner. We were chatting in the living room when he noticed the deer head I had on the wall. He said, "You shoot that thang?"
I said, "Nope, he ran through the wall and got stuck."

My wife and I were moving, and we'd spent all day packing things up. We had a big U-Haul out in the driveway and everything. A neighbor knocked on the door and asked, "Y'all movin'?"
I said, "No, every now and then we pack up all our crap just to see how many boxes it takes."

Had to get my car towed. The tow truck was lifting my car onto its back when my neighbor came around and asked, "Gettin' your car towed?"
I said "Nah we're breeding it. Hoping to get a Mini Cooper."

Accidentally locked myself out of my car. There I was with a coat hanger trying to hit the unlock button. Someone came around and asked, "You get locked out?"
I said, "Nope, I just washed and waxed it, and I'm hanging it up to dry."


----------



## SixFootScowl

sosophisticated said:


> Q: Why the did the quantum physicist cross the road?
> 
> A: He was on his way to a seminar where he wanted to discuss time-resolved measurement of photon states using two-photon interference withphotons from short-time reference pulses.Photons are one of the most versatile systems for the implementation of quantum information processes. The most
> accessible degrees of freedom are polarization and the spatial degrees of freedom defined by optical paths. In addition,
> 
> ... (about 1000 times over ...)
> 
> In conclusion, photon bunching with short time references may prove to be a helpful addition to the available
> experimental methods for the study of energy-time entanglement and related quantum effects on ultrashort timescales.
> 
> *ba dum tish*


And he was probably working out some of these details as he crossed the road, which is why you can't simply assume the guy who crosses the road and causes you to hit the brakes is an idiot.


----------



## isorhythm

This dog meme is relevant to this thread.


----------



## Wandering

A homeless psychic lady I had a fling with on the streets revealed to me I was a one eyed serpent with an uneventful life in a former life.


----------



## Headphone Hermit

Did you hear about the 'Magic Tractor'?

It went along the road and turned into a field


----------



## TxllxT




----------



## Headphone Hermit

^^^ When is a clown *not* funny?


----------



## sosophisticated

TxllxT said:


>


Is that a Monty Python Gumby?


----------



## Wandering

^ I'll scratch The Return of the Native off my list of things to read while I'm dead.


----------



## SixFootScowl

Why dont you iron a 4-leaf clover? 

Because you dont want to press your luck.


----------



## SixFootScowl

I just don't trust stairs. They are always up to something.


----------



## SixFootScowl

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Texan, and a Mexican are flying in a small plane. The plane has engine trouble and is losing altitude. They jettison all cargo and are still losing altitude. Finally the Frenchman to save the others, jumps out shouting "Viva la France!" But they are still losing altitude, so the Englishman jumps out shouting, God save the Queen!" Now things are improving but they still have too much weight, so the Texan steps up and shouts, "Remember the Alamo!" and shoves the Mexican out the door.


----------



## Guest

Three stereotypes walk into an unreconstituted bar.


----------



## TxllxT

*Belgian joke*

http://www.telegraaf.nl/buitenland/25258340/__Metrorijder__volgde_gewoon_gps___.html

Monday evening a Belgian Range Rover driver just followed his GPS which directed him into a tunnel. It was a dark and rainy night. The driver just continued about three kilometers, passing five metro station stops, wondering when the tunnel would end, until his tires and wheel rims were gone. No other car than a Range Rover is able to get that far! Yes, the driver had drunk a few glasses of wine.


----------



## Lukecash12

sosophisticated said:


> Q: Why the did the quantum physicist cross the road?
> 
> A: He was on his way to a seminar where he wanted to discuss time-resolved measurement of photon states using two-photon interference withphotons from short-time reference pulses.Photons are one of the most versatile systems for the implementation of quantum information processes. The most
> accessible degrees of freedom are polarization and the spatial degrees of freedom defined by optical paths. In addition,
> it is possible to encode quantum information in the different frequency modes along the direction of propagation.
> Encoding information in this energy-time degree of freedom may be more robust against mechanical instabilities than
> the alternatives and could therefore be especially useful in long-distance quantum communication [1, 2].
> Energy-time entanglement was first demonstrated by Franson [3], and has been applied in quantum cryptography
> [4, 5] and quantum communication [6-8]. Originally, these approaches are based on comparatively long timescales,
> so that the necessary time resolution can be achieved by the photon detection systems directly. However, recent
> technological developments make it possible to generate entanglement on time scales much shorter than the time
> resolution of available detectors [9-11]. To fully utilize the potential of such broadband sources of entangled photons,
> it is necessary to develop measurement systems that can characterize the quantum states of photons on extremely
> short time scales.
> In previous experimental work, short time correlations between entangled photons were confirmed by observing the
> rate of two photon absorption in second harmonic generation, effectively reversing the role of the source to serve as
> a detector [12, 13]. However, the measurement information so obtained is insufficient for a complete characterization
> of the quantum state. More detailed information can be obtained by the two-photon interference between a pair
> of down-converted photons, where the shape of the Hong-Ou-Mandel dip can provide spectral information about
> the photon pairs [14, 15]. However, this method only demonstrates that the photons have some time dependent
> correlation, without deciding whether this correlation is between detection times or represent a time dependence of
> energy, e.g. in chirped pulses.
> An independent time standard can be realized by using reference pulses from a separate photon source. With such
> independently generated references, it is possible to use the photon bunching effect of the two photon interference
> between one reference photon and the signal photon to achieve a time resolved measurement at the time scale
> determined by the pulse time of the reference pulse. Intuitively, bunching should only occur when the reference
> photon and the input photon coincide in time. However, bunching is also sensitive to the temporal coherence of the
> reference pulse. To optimize the information gained about the state of the input photon, it is essential to understand
> these effects of temporal coherences in the reference pulses on the bunching statistics. In the following, we therefore
> analyze the quantum statistics obtained from appropriate short time reference pulses and explore the possibilities of
> quantum tomography and entanglement verification in the time domain based on two-photon interference.
> ∗Electronic address: [email protected]
> 2
> In Sec. II, we describe the coincidence rates in the output ports of the two-photon interference in terms of a
> projective measurement operator defined by the optical quantum state of the photon from the reference pulse. In Sec.
> III, the effects of time delays used to scan the temporal features of the signal photon state are considered. Significantly,
> the measurement is equivalent to the projection on an ideal eigenstate of time if the bandwidth of the input state is
> narrower than that of the reference pulse. It is therefore possible to optimize the reference pulse shape according to
> the basic optical properties of the input. In Sec. IV, we show how a superposition of reference pulses at two times can
> be used to obtain the temporal coherence of the input state. We can then achieve full quantum tomography in the
> time domain. In Sec. V, we apply the results to derive an experimental criterion for the verification of the temporal
> entanglement of down-converted photon pairs.
> II. TWO-PHOTON INTERFERENCE WITH A REFERENCE PHOTON
> Photon bunching of the Hong-Ou-Mandel type is observed when two photons are incident on a 50 : 50 beam splitter
> from opposite sides. If the photons share the same temporal and transverse coherence, two photon interference
> eliminates the possibility that they will exit the beam splitter on opposite sides. However, any mismatch in the
> temporal or transverse coherence will result in the appearance of photons exiting at opposite sides. Coincidence
> detection of photons on opposite sides of the beam splitter is therefore a direct measure of the mismatch between the
> quantum states of the photons that entered the beam splitter.
> reference signal
> 1 2
> FIG. 1: Illustration of a bunching measurement of an unknown photon state using a short time reference photon and a 50 : 50
> beam splitter.
> To obtain temporal features of a signal photon, we consider the use of a reference photon from a short time
> pulse, as illustrated in Fig. 1. The transformation of the light field at the beam splitter can be represented by the
> transformation of the temporal annihilation operators,
> ˆb1(t) = 1
> √
> 2
> (ˆa1(t) + ˆa2(t))
> ˆb2(t) = 1
> √
> 2
> (ˆa1(t) − aˆ2(t)), (1)
> where ˆa1(t) and ˆa2(t) are the input field operators and ˆb1(t) and ˆb2(t) are the output field operators for a given input
> time t. Since the photon in input port 1 is the reference photon, its input state is known and given by the reference
> state | Φrefi. In the single photon time basis, this state is represented by
> | Φrefi =
> Z
> φ(t)ˆa
> †
> 1
> (t)dt | 0i, (2)
> where φ(t) = ht | Φrefi is the time dependence of the reference pulse amplitude.
> In general, the probability of a joint detection of one photon in output 1 at time t1 and one photon in outport 2 at
> time t2 is
> G
> (2)(t1, t2) = h
> ˆb
> †
> 1
> (t1)
> ˆb
> †
> 2
> (t2)
> ˆb2(t2)
> ˆb1(t1)i. (3)
> We can transform this expression into an expectation value for the coherences of the two photon input state using Eq.
> (1). Since the reference state is known, the joint probability can be expressed in terms of a projection on the single
> photon state in the signal port 2. The projection operator for detections at times t1 and t2 can then be given by
> Πˆ
> s(t1, t2) = 1
> 4
> (φ(t1)φ
> ∗
> (t1) | t2iht2 | −φ(t1)φ
> ∗
> (t2) | t2iht1 | − φ(t2)φ
> ∗
> (t1) | t1iht2 | +φ(t2)φ
> ∗
> (t2) | t1iht1 |) (4)
> 3
> However, this measurement operator assumes perfect time resolution of the detection. In realistic photon detectors,
> the detection times that can be resolved are usually much longer than the pulse times of the available reference pulses.
> We can therefore assume that the photon time will be completely unknown, so that the actual measurement operator of the photon coincidence is obtained by integrating over all measurement times,
> Mˆ
> s =
> Z Z Πˆ
> s(t1, t2)dt1dt2 =
> 1
> 2
> −
> 1
> 2
> | ΦrefihΦref | . (5)
> Thus, the effect of two-photon interference with the reference photon on the coincidence counts is given by a single
> photon measurement operator defined by the projection on the state of the reference. In the following, we will consider
> the effects of the spectral and temporal features of the reference on the time resolution of the measurement.
> III. TIME RESOLVED MEASUREMENT AND BANDWIDTH LIMITATION
> Time resolved measurements can be realized by scanning the peak time of the reference pulse using an appropriate
> time-delay. To represent this time delay in our formalism, we can simply shift the temporal wavefunction, so that the
> amplitude at input time t
> ′
> for a delay time of t corresponds to
> ht
> ′
> | Φ(t)i = φ(t
> ′
> − t) (6)
> Alternatively, this time shift can be expressed by a phase factor in the frequency representation,
> hω | Φ(t)i = e
> iωthω | Φ(0)i. (7)
> An ideal measurement of time would project on the state | ti defined by a delta function in time or, in the frequency
> representation, by
> hω | ti =
> 1
> √
> 2π
> e
> iωt
> . (8)
> The comparison of real state (7) and ideal state (8) shows that the difference can be expressed by a time-shift
> independent attenuation of the frequency components, so that
> | Φ(t)i =
> Z √
> 2π hω | Φ(0)i | ωihω | dω
> 
> | ti = Fˆ | ti. (9)
> The problem of time resolution can therefore be expressed completely in terms of the filter operation Fˆ that converts
> the ideal time eigenstate into the reference pulse. The measurement operator for a reference time t is then given by
> Mˆ
> s(t) = 1
> 2
> −
> 1
> 2
> Fˆ | tiht | Fˆ†
> . (10)
> To determine the overlap between | Φ(t)i and an unknown input state | ψi, we can first apply the adjoint filter operator
> Fˆ†
> to modify the frequency amplitudes of the input state. The overlap of the original state with the reference state
> is then equal to the overlap of the modified state with an eigenstate of time.
> In general, the eigenvalues of Fˆ† are equal to √
> 2π times the complex conjugate of the frequency amplitude hω | Φ(0)i
> of the reference pulse. Since dispersion effects caused by phase changes in the frequency components should be avoided,
> it is best to use transform limited reference pulses with real and positive amplitudes. In this case, Fˆ is a self-adjoint
> operator acting like a dispersion-free band-pass filter. Optimally, the frequency spectrum of the reference pulse should
> be approximately rectangular, resulting in constant transmission of a specific bandwidth. The temporal measurement
> will then be completely accurate for all input fields within that bandwidth.
> It may also be worth noting that the depth of the dip in the coincidence count rate described by the measurement
> operator in Eq.(10) depends on the bandwidth ∆ω of the reference pulse. For a rectangular spectrum of the reference
> pulse, the average number of coincidence counts Nc from an input state | ψi with a frequency spectrum entirely withinthe bandwidth of ∆ω is given by
> Nc =
> 1
> 2
> −
> π
> ∆ω
> |ht | ψi|2
> . (11)
> To optimize the signal-to-noise ratio of the measurement, it is therefore desirable to use the minimal bandwidth
> acceptable for the respective input states.
> 4
> IV. MEASUREMENT OF TEMPORAL COHERENCE
> As shown in the previous section, the probability distribution of photons in time can be obtained from the photon
> bunching characteristics of two-photon interference with photons in a single short-time reference pulse. In terms of
> the temporal density matrix, we can then reconstruct the diagonal elements ht | ρˆ | ti. A complete tomographic
> reconstruction of an unknown quantum state can be achieved by determining all elements ht1 | ρˆ | t2i, including the
> off-diagonal elements that describe coherences between two different times t1 and t2.
> Since photon bunching with a reference corresponds to a projection on the state of this reference, coherences between
> two times can be probed by using superpositions of two short-time pulses as a reference. The setup for this kind of
> measurement is shown in Fig. 2. The coherent reference is generated by interference between the original pulse and
> a time-delayed pulse, so that the reference is in an equal superposition of input times t1 and t2,
> | Φrefi =
> 1
> √
> 2
> Fˆ(| t1i+ | t2i), (12)
> where we used Eq. (9) to express the superposition in terms of time eigenstates and the filter operator Fˆ representing
> the permitted bandwidth.
> reference signal
> t2-t1
> FIG. 2: Setup for the measurement of temporal coherence using coherent superpositions of reference pulses at two different
> times, t1 and t2.
> Unfortunately, the phase in this superposition is fixed to zero, because the shape of the initial reference pulse defines
> the precise phase at peak time ti
> . To achieve complete quantum tomography, we need to consider the possibility of
> obtaining phase information from the dependence of coherence on the time difference between t1 and t2. Since our
> measurement has a limited bandwidth centered around a carrier frequency of ω0, we can assume that small shifts
> in the time difference do result in a corresponding phase shift ϕ = ∆t/ω0. Although the time eigenstates | ti and
> | t+
> ϕ
> ω0
> i are orthogonal, they are nearly indistinguishable within the bandwidth considered, as long as ϕ is sufficiently
> smaller than ω0/∆ω. Specifically, the application of the filter function Fˆ ensures that
> Fˆ | t +
> ϕ
> ω0
> i ≈ e
> −iϕFˆ | ti. (13)
> Arbitrary phase shifts can then be realized with −π ≤ ϕ ≤ π. In this range, it is usually reasonable to consider the
> above approximation as valid, so that the state | t +
> ϕ
> ω0
> i can be replaced by e
> −iϕ | ti. A quantitative test of this
> assumption can be obtained from the normalized overlap σ of the filtered states,
> σ =
> |ht | Fˆ†Fˆ | t +
> ϕ
> ω0
> i|2
> ht | Fˆ†Fˆ | ti ht +
> ϕ
> ω0
> | Fˆ†Fˆ | t +
> ϕ
> ω0
> i
> . (14)
> In most cases, σ will be close to one for the whole range of phase shifts. It is then safe to assume that we can
> generate superpositions of different times with arbitrary phases. The measurement operators obtained with these
> superpositions read
> Mˆ
> s(t1, t2, ϕ) = 1
> 2
> −
> 1
> 4
> Fˆ
> 
> | t1iht1 | +e
> −iϕ | t1iht2 | +e
> iϕ | t2iht1 | + | t2iht2 |
> 
> Fˆ†
> . (15)
> By scanning t1, t2 and ϕ over the appropriate range of values, a complete tomographic reconstruction of the density
> matrix ht1 | ρˆ | t2i of the input photons is possible.
> 5
> V. VERIFICATION OF ENERGY-TIME ENTANGLEMENT
> In principle, it is a straightforward matter to apply the quantum tomography scheme described in the previous
> section to photon pairs in energy-time entangled states. As shown in Fig. 3, it is merely necessary to extend the
> two photon coincidence measurements for a signal photon and a reference photon to the four photon coincidences
> observed for two signal photons with two separate references. The measurement operator of the four-fold coincidence
> then reads
> Mˆ
> p(t1A, t2A, ϕA;t1B, t2B, ϕB) = Mˆ
> s(t1A, t2A, ϕA) ⊗ Mˆ
> s(t1B, t2B, ϕB), (16)
> where the operators Mˆ
> s describe the single photon results according to Eq.(15). This operator can be further separated
> into a positive background, negative contributions from local bunching at either A or B, and a positive term from the
> correlation between bunching effects. Since only the last term is required for the characterization of entanglement,
> we can focus on this term, given by the projection on the product of the two references in A and in B,
> | ΦA; ΦBi =
> 1
> 2
> Fˆ ⊗ Fˆ
> 
> | t1A, t1Bi + e
> iϕA | t2A, t1Bi + e
> iϕB | t1A, t2Bi + e
> i(ϕA+ϕB)
> | t2A, t2Bi
> 
> (17)
> The projector corresponding to this reference state can be represented in the four dimensional subspace spanned by
> reference
> MB
> MA
> B
> signal
> A
> reference
> FIG. 3: Setup for correlated measurements on energy-time entangled photon pairs.
> the temporal eigenstates of times t1A, t2A in path A, and t1B, t2B in path B. In this two-by-two Hilbert space, the
> projector can be given by the matrix
> Pˆ(ϕA, ϕB) = 1
> 4
> 
> 
> 1 e
> −iϕB e
> −iϕA e
> −i(ϕA+ϕB)
> e
> iϕB 1 e
> −i(ϕA−ϕB)
> e
> −iϕA
> e
> iϕA e
> i(ϕA−ϕB) 1 e
> −iϕB
> e
> i(ϕA+ϕB)
> e
> iϕA e
> iϕB 1
> 
>  , (18)
> where the basis states are {| t1A, t1Bi, | t1A, t2Bi, | t2A, t1Bi, | t2A, t2Bi}. By varying the phases in A and in B, it is
> possible to distinguish contributions with different phase factors. In particular, it is possible to identify the coherence
> between | t1A, t1Bi and | t2A, t2Bi from the coincidence data, since it is the only term that depends on the sum of ϕA
> and ϕB. This term describes a genuine two-photon coherence and is particularly useful for the verification of temporal
> entanglement.
> For single photon states, the coherence between | t1i and | t2i is limited by |ht1 | ρˆ | t2i| ≤ 1/2. Therefore, the two
> photon coherence between | t1A, t1Bi and | t2A, t2Bi achieved by separable states is limited to
> |ht1A, t1B | ρˆsep.
> | t2A, t2Bi| ≤ 1
> 4
> . (19)
> For entangled states, the same coherence can be as high as 1/2. It is therefore possible to verify temporal entanglement
> directly by detecting values of ht1A, t1B | ρˆ | t2A, t2Bi > 1/4 at a fixed set of detection times. In typical experiments
> using parametric down-conversion, photon pairs will be emitted simultaneously, so entanglement can be verified for
> t1A = t1B and t2A = t2B. For time differences of t2 − t1 smaller than the correlation time of the down-conversion
> process, single photon cohernces will emerge between t1 and t2, resulting in a reduction of the observed entanglement.
> This transition between two-photon coherence and single photon coherences can be used to identify the timescale of
> the entanglement. For instance, it may be reasonable to define the timescale achieved by broadband entanglement
> sources as the time difference t2 −t1 at which the coherence ht1, t1 | ρˆ | t2, t2i crosses the value of 3/8 halfway between
> maximal entanglement and separability. Thus, bunching with coherent superpositions of short-time reference pulses
> provides an experimental method of identifying the ultra-short quantum correlation times of broadband entanglement
> sources.
> 6
> VI. CONCLUSIONS
> We have shown that the quantum state of an unknown input photon can be completely determined by two-photon
> interference with reference photons from short-time references pulses. In particular, the bunching effect observed with
> a single reference pulse corresponds to a projection on a time eigenstate, where the limited time resolution can be
> represented by a filter function that eliminates frequencies outside of the bandwidth of the reference pulse. To obtain
> an optimal signal-to-noise ratio, it is desirable to make this bandwidth as narrow as possible without losing too much
> of the input signal. Two-time coherences can be evaluated using superpositions of two pulses shifted to appropriate
> times. The phase relation between these pulses can be controlled in the conventional manner,by time shifts shorter
> than one period of the central frequency of the reference pulse. It is then possible to achieve a complete tomographicreconstruction of the temporal density matrix from the two-photon interference data.
> The application of our tomography scheme to energy-time entanglement is straightforward. However, it may often
> be sufficient to evaluate the entanglement from only a few selected measurements. In the present scheme, the effective
> two-level entanglement between two pairs of detection times can be determined from the phase dependence of the four
> photon coincidences in the output ports. It is then possible to characterize the time dependence of entanglement in
> terms of the two-photon coherences between two different detection times, where the characteristic timescale might
> be given in terms of the time separation where the coherence is halfway between its maximal and its separable value.
> The entanglement times achieved by various sources of energy-time entangled photon pairs can then be determined
> experimentally using well-defined criteria.
> In conclusion, photon bunching with short time references may prove to be a helpful addition to the available
> experimental methods for the study of energy-time entanglement and related quantum effects on ultrashort timescales.
> 
> *ba dum tish*


... This is in a virtually unreadable format, sorry.


----------



## MarkW

A traveling salesman knocks on a front door. It's answered by an eight-year old wearing a smoking jacket, holding a cigar in one hand and a snifter of brandy in the other.

Undaunted, the salesman says: "Well, hello there! Are your parents home?"

The boy replies "What do you think?"


----------



## TurnaboutVox

sosophisticated said:


> Is that a Monty Python Gumby?


Yes, it is!

In the middle picture he's wondering just how thick the average voter would have to be not to realise that his posturing over the 'Brexit' is a ploy to become leader of his party.


----------



## geralmar

My father told me this one, so I don't have a citation:

Q: What is the greatest miracle in the Bible?

A: When Jesus tied his *** to a tree and walked across the field.


----------



## Lukecash12

:tiphat:


----------



## KenOC

From another forum:
-------------------------------------
The other day my wife and I went into town and visited a shop. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him an a** hole. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires. So my wife called him a s*** head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windscreen with the first. Then he started writing more tickets. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.
It's important at our age.


----------



## TxllxT

A survey was conducted in the United States, asking parents what they would do, if they found out that their son was a Homo Sapiens. About 70% answered that they would kick him out of the house.


----------



## SixFootScowl

TxllxT said:


> A survey was conducted in the United States, asking parents what they would do, if they found out that their son was a Homo Sapiens. About 70% answered that they would kick him out of the house.


That reminds me of the survey someone did to ban the dangerous chemical di-hydrogen monoxide (plain old water) and many people were mindlessly singing the petition. I think there is/was a You Tube on it.


----------



## TxllxT

Russian-Jewish joke: Isaac, who has invented International Women's Day (8 March) ? Well, I think Clara Zetkin or Rosa Luxembourg. But where was this good for? Well, I think they must have been selling flowers...


----------



## SixFootScowl

Florestan said:


> That reminds me of the survey someone did to ban the dangerous chemical di-hydrogen monoxide (plain old water) and many people were mindlessly singing the petition. I think there is/was a You Tube on it.


Oops, meant that people were signing the petition, not singing it--although that would be interesting .:lol: I am not the greatest speller but also my fingers don't always react to my brain quite right on the keyboard.


----------



## mstar

"If you get cold, just stand in a corner. They're about 90 degrees."

"A man noticed that his credit card had been stolen but didn't report it. The thief was spending less then his wife."


----------



## ldiat

and this is funny


----------



## KenOC

Florestan said:


> That reminds me of the survey someone did to ban the dangerous chemical di-hydrogen monoxide (plain old water) and many people were mindlessly singing the petition. I think there is/was a You Tube on it.


"Some of the known perils of Dihydrogen Monoxide are: 
• Death due to accidental inhalation of DHMO, even in small quantities.
• Prolonged exposure to solid DHMO causes severe tissue damage.
• Excessive ingestion produces a number of unpleasant though not typically life-threatening side-effects.
• DHMO is a major component of acid rain.
• Gaseous DHMO can cause severe burns.
• Contributes to soil erosion.
• Leads to corrosion and oxidation of many metals.
• Contamination of electrical systems often causes short-circuits.
• Exposure decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes.
• Found in biopsies of pre-cancerous tumors and lesions.
• Given to vicious dogs involved in recent deadly attacks.
•Often associated with killer cyclones in the U.S. Midwest and elsewhere, and in hurricanes including deadly storms in Florida, New Orleans and other areas of the southeastern U.S.
•Thermal variations in DHMO are a suspected contributor to the El Nino weather effect."


----------



## SarahNorthman

Q: What do you call a cow with no legs?
A: Ground Beef.

badum tssss!


----------



## mstar

While we're on that subject:
What do you call a cow with a hole in it?
Dead. 
Wrong answer. 








I'd say if it's saintly enough to be alive, it must be considerably "holey".


----------



## Belowpar

I was in a Zoo the other day and I recalled a joke from schooldays.


q
How do Porcupines make love?

a
Carefully


----------



## ldiat

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all
Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend
bowling tournament in Atlantic City. The Brunette team
rides in the bottom of the bus. The Blonde team rides
on the top level.

The Brunette team down below is whooping it up having
a great time, when one of them realises she doesn't
hear anything from the Blondes upstairs.

She decides to go up and investigate. When the Brunette
reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in
fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching
the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

She says, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're havin'
a grand time downstairs!" One of the Blondes looks up
and says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"


----------



## Abraham Lincoln

What concert costs only 45 cents?

A 50 Cent concert with Nickelback.


----------



## mstar

Abraham Lincoln said:


> What concert costs only 45 cents?
> 
> A 50 Cent concert with Nickelback.


I feel like I just got hit in the head.


----------



## ldiat

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds." 

When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?" 
The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" said the doctor. 

"No, from skipping," replied the blonde.


----------



## Abraham Lincoln

mstar said:


> I feel like I just got hit in the head.


You flatter me, sir/ma'am. :'P


----------



## mstar

Abraham Lincoln said:


> You flatter me, sir/*ma'am*. :'P


Even though my "writing style" has been more than once described as "masculine".
I don't know how that works, but I just go with it.


----------



## Abraham Lincoln

The person who proofread Hitler's speeches was a grammar Nazi.


----------



## geralmar

Henny Youngman (I think):

Doctor: "You have a fatal disease."
Patient: "I want a second opinion."
Doctor: "You're ugly."


----------



## Kjetil Heggelund

He is a lovely man...and so is his wife...


----------



## hpowders

geralmar said:


> Henny Youngman (I think):
> 
> Doctor: "You have a fatal disease."
> Patient: "I want a second opinion."
> Doctor: "You're ugly."


Yes, it was! The king of the one-liners, Henny Youngman! So funny! Terrific timing!


----------



## Huilunsoittaja

Do you know about the joke about the broken pencil?


----------



## ldiat

ok this is not short. kind of a satire on opera. (i find the strangest vids on you tube)
All the Great Operas in 10 Minutes


----------



## mstar

Huilunsoittaja said:


> Do you know about the joke about the broken pencil?


Sorry to say it, but it's not worth mentioning. It's absolutely pointless.


----------



## ldiat

A drunk man who smelled of sweat and stale beer sat down on a subway car next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was flushed and plastered with red lipstick. A half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?" 

The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a cleanliness." The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be darned." Then he returned to his paper. 

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" The drunk answers: "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."


----------



## Chrythes

I discovered I have a logic fetish, and now I can't stop coming to conclusions


----------



## Huilunsoittaja

Did you hear about the woman who couldn't finish anything she


----------



## Stavrogin

Abraham Lincoln said:


> The person who proofread Hitler's speeches was a grammar Nazi.


Ahahahah this deserves more than a simple "like"


----------



## Stavrogin

Huilunsoittaja said:


> Did you hear about the woman who couldn't finish anything she


This reminded me of Umberto Eco's "40 tips for writing"

(well they are 40 in Italian but some of them just cannot be translated, so you only get 36 here).

1. Avoid alliterations, even if they're manna for morons.

2. Don't contribute to the killing of the subjunctive mode, I suggest that the writer use it when necessary.

3. Avoid clichés: they're like death warmed over.

4. Thou shall express thyself in the simplest of fashions.

5. Don't use acronyms & abbreviations etc.

6. (Always) remember that parentheses (even when they seem indispensable) interrupt the flow.

7. Beware of indigestion... of ellipses.

8. Limit the use of inverted commas. Quotes aren't "elegant."

9. Never generalize.

10. Foreign words aren't _bon ton_.

11. Hold those quotes. Emerson aptly said, "I hate quotes. Tell me only what you know."

12. Similes are like catch phrases.

13. Don't be repetitious; don't repeat the same thing twice; repeating is superfluous (redundancy means the useless explanation of something the reader has already understood).

14. Only ***** use swear words.

15. Always be somehow specific.

16. Hyperbole is the most extraordinary of expressive techniques.

17. Don't write one-word sentences. Ever.

18. Beware too-daring metaphors: they are feathers on a serpent's scales.

19. Put, commas, in the appropriate places.

20. Recognize the difference between the semicolon and the colon: even if it's hard.

21. If you can't find the appropriate expression, refrain from using colloquial/dialectal expressions: as they say in Venice, _peso el tacòn del buso_ ("the patch is worse than the hole").

22. Do we really need rhetorical questions?

23. Be concise; try expressing your thoughts with the least possible number of words, avoiding long sentences-- or sentences interrupted by incidental phrases that always confuse the casual reader-- in order to avoid contributing to the general pollution of information, which is surely (particularly when it is uselessly ripe with unnecessary explanations, or at least non indispensable specifications) one of the tragedies of our media-dominated time.

24. Don't be emphatic! Be careful with exclamation marks!

25. Spell foreign names correctly, like Beaudelaire, Roosewelt, Niezsche and so on.

26. Name the authors and characters you refer to, without using periphrases. So did the greatest Lombard writer of the nineteenth century, the author of "The 5th of May."

27. Begin your text with a _captatio benevolentiae_, to ingratiate yourself with your reader (but perhaps you're so stupid you don't even know what I'm talking about).

28. Be fastidios with you're speling.

29. No need to tell you how cloying preteritions are.

30. Do not change paragraph when unneeded.
Not too often.
Anyway.

31. No pluralis majestatis, please. We think it is pompous.

32. Do not take the cause for the effect: you would be wrong and thus you would make a mistake.

33. Do not write sentences in which the conclusion doesn't follow the premises in a logical way: if everyone did this, premises would stem from conclusions.

34. Do not indulge in archaic forms, apax legomena and other unused lexemes, nor in deep rizomatic structures which, however appealing to you as epiphanies of the grammatological difference, inviting to a deconstructive tangent - but, even worse it would be if they appeared to be debatable under the scrutiny of anyone who would read them with ecdotic acridity - would go beyond the recipient's cognitive competencies.

35. You should never be wordy. On the other hand, you should not say less than.

36. A complete sentence should comprise.


----------



## Dr Johnson

A couple who work at the circus go to an adoption agency.

Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.

The couple produce photos of their 50 foot motorhome, which is equipped with a beautiful nursery.

The social workers then are doubtful about the education that the child would get.

"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin and computer skills."

Then there are doubts about raising a child in a circus environment.

"Our nanny is an expert in paediatric welfare and diet."

The social workers are finally satisfied.

They ask, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"

"It doesn't really matter, as long as he fits in the cannon"


----------



## Guest

Dr Johnson said:


> A couple who work at the circus go to an adoption agency.
> 
> ......
> 
> "It doesn't really matter, as long as he fits in the cannon"


I'm going to have to purloin that.


----------



## KenOC

Seen elsewhere: What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?

A bull has its horns in front and an S-hole in back. An orchestra has the horns are in the back and the S-hole up front.


----------



## geralmar

Stolen from another website:

Bugs Bunny to Alban Berg: "Wozzeck, Doc?"


----------



## TxllxT

Communist Party leader Brezhnev had difficulty with the pronunciation of 'Systematicky'. Out of his mouth came: 'sysky ma sysky', what in Russian refers to big boobies.


----------



## TxllxT

Brezhnev in front of a mirror: I'm _star_ (Russian: old), I'm _star_, I'm *Superstar!*


----------



## ldiat

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona, when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a word or two of thanks, she got in the car. 
After resuming the journey and a bit of small talk, the Navajo woman noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
What's in the bag? asked the old woman. 
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. Got it for my husband.

The Navajo woman was silent for a long moment, and then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder said, "Good trade."


----------



## amfortas

A farmer couldn't get his pigs to breed . . . 

Oh wait. That "seemly" thing.


----------



## mstar

Nevermind. :angel:


----------



## ldiat

funny little joke:tiphat:


----------



## ldiat

ldiat said:


> funny little joke:tiphat:


corrected version


----------



## ldiat

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a 'Thanks for flying our airline.' He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.

She said, 'Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?'

'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?'

The little old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot down?'


----------



## Vaneyes

Stavrogin said:


> This reminded me of Umberto Eco's "40 tips for writing"
> 
> (well they are 40 in Italian but some of them just cannot be translated, so you only get 36 here).
> 
> 1. Avoid alliterations, even if they're manna for morons.
> 
> 2. Don't contribute to the killing of the subjunctive mode, I suggest that the writer use it when necessary.
> 
> 3. Avoid clichés: they're like death warmed over.
> 
> 4. Thou shall express thyself in the simplest of fashions.
> 
> 5. Don't use acronyms & abbreviations etc.
> 
> 6. (Always) remember that parentheses (even when they seem indispensable) interrupt the flow.
> 
> 7. Beware of indigestion... of ellipses.
> 
> 8. Limit the use of inverted commas. Quotes aren't "elegant."
> 
> 9. Never generalize.
> 
> 10. Foreign words aren't _bon ton_.
> 
> 11. Hold those quotes. Emerson aptly said, "I hate quotes. Tell me only what you know."
> 
> 12. Similes are like catch phrases.
> 
> 13. Don't be repetitious; don't repeat the same thing twice; repeating is superfluous (redundancy means the useless explanation of something the reader has already understood).
> 
> 14. Only ***** use swear words.
> 
> 15. Always be somehow specific.
> 
> 16. Hyperbole is the most extraordinary of expressive techniques.
> 
> 17. Don't write one-word sentences. Ever.
> 
> 18. Beware too-daring metaphors: they are feathers on a serpent's scales.
> 
> 19. Put, commas, in the appropriate places.
> 
> 20. Recognize the difference between the semicolon and the colon: even if it's hard.
> 
> 21. If you can't find the appropriate expression, refrain from using colloquial/dialectal expressions: as they say in Venice, _peso el tacòn del buso_ ("the patch is worse than the hole").
> 
> 22. Do we really need rhetorical questions?
> 
> 23. Be concise; try expressing your thoughts with the least possible number of words, avoiding long sentences-- or sentences interrupted by incidental phrases that always confuse the casual reader-- in order to avoid contributing to the general pollution of information, which is surely (particularly when it is uselessly ripe with unnecessary explanations, or at least non indispensable specifications) one of the tragedies of our media-dominated time.
> 
> 24. Don't be emphatic! Be careful with exclamation marks!
> 
> 25. Spell foreign names correctly, like Beaudelaire, Roosewelt, Niezsche and so on.
> 
> 26. Name the authors and characters you refer to, without using periphrases. So did the greatest Lombard writer of the nineteenth century, the author of "The 5th of May."
> 
> 27. Begin your text with a _captatio benevolentiae_, to ingratiate yourself with your reader (but perhaps you're so stupid you don't even know what I'm talking about).
> 
> 28. Be fastidios with you're speling.
> 
> 29. No need to tell you how cloying preteritions are.
> 
> 30. Do not change paragraph when unneeded.
> Not too often.
> Anyway.
> 
> 31. No pluralis majestatis, please. We think it is pompous.
> 
> 32. Do not take the cause for the effect: you would be wrong and thus you would make a mistake.
> 
> 33. Do not write sentences in which the conclusion doesn't follow the premises in a logical way: if everyone did this, premises would stem from conclusions.
> 
> 34. Do not indulge in archaic forms, apax legomena and other unused lexemes, nor in deep rizomatic structures which, however appealing to you as epiphanies of the grammatological difference, inviting to a deconstructive tangent - but, even worse it would be if they appeared to be debatable under the scrutiny of anyone who would read them with ecdotic acridity - would go beyond the recipient's cognitive competencies.
> 
> 35. You should never be wordy. On the other hand, you should not say less than.
> 
> 36. A complete sentence should comprise.


Helping #35, do not over-character-ize, and over-describe. Too many authors/editors ignore this and leave less/little for reader imagination, dulling their books.


----------



## sospiro

There's an exclusive restaurant in Paris that makes omelettes with a single egg. In France it seems one egg is un oeuf.


----------



## Meyerbeer Smith

Two sailors were scrubbing the deck.

One says: "Where's the soap?"

The other says: "Yes."


----------



## SixFootScowl

SimonTemplar said:


> Two sailors were scrubbing the deck.
> 
> One says: "Where's the soap?"
> 
> The other says: "Yes."


Maybe more understandable if the punch line were,

The other thinks for a moment and replies, "Yes it does!"


----------



## sospiro

SimonTemplar said:


> Two sailors were scrubbing the deck.
> 
> One says: "Where's the soap?"
> 
> The other says: "Yes."





Florestan said:


> Maybe more understandable if the punch line were,
> 
> The other thinks for a moment and replies, "Yes it does!"












I still don't get it!!


----------



## sospiro

My friend came home a shopping trip with five big white toy bears. I think she might have buy polar disorder.


----------



## Meyerbeer Smith

sospiro said:


> I still don't get it!!


Where's the soap?

Wears the soap


----------



## sospiro

SimonTemplar said:


> Where's the soap?
> 
> Wears the soap


Groan! Oh yeah ...


----------



## SixFootScowl

SimonTemplar said:


> Where's the soap?
> 
> Wears the soap


Imagine being on a ship and spending hours upon hours scrubbing decks. Out of sheer boredom one could have thought of this and several other groaners to go along with it.


----------



## sospiro

Is the top of a mountain called a summit because nobody could think of a name for it?


----------



## sospiro

I entered a newspaper pun competition. I sent in ten different puns hoping one would win. Sadly no pun in ten did.


----------



## ldiat




----------



## sospiro

How do the Welsh grate cheese? Caerphilly.


----------



## znapschatz

WAR IS NOT THE ANSWER
to the following questions:

What time is it?

Is dinner ready yet?

Who's got the sports section?

What did I do with my glasses?

who wants seconds?

You're going to have a what?


----------



## Barbebleu

Six out of seven dwarfs aren't Happy!!

Man knocks door of Chinese restaurant looking for the owner and asks " Are you Ah Pong?"

Chinese gentleman looks at him and replies " yes, we are ah pong until eleven o'clock"


----------



## ldiat

this is a bit funny


----------



## isorhythm

What's the longest word in the dictionary?

"smiles" - there's a mile between the two S's


----------



## SixFootScowl

Hear about the two guys who stole a calendar? They each got six months.

I used to work in a calendar factory. I got fired for taking a day off. 

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The Ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I'm not sure what they were laced with but I've been trippin all day.


----------



## sospiro

The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss or chat about Thesaurus Club.


----------



## Abraham Lincoln

Do you want to hear a racist joke?

Donald Trump


----------



## Abraham Lincoln

*Romantic composers*

Fun gi
Satan
Opium Stalker
Pampered Necrophiliac
Polish Polish
Pianist Killer
Cancerous Opera Freak Thing
Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends
Foster's Wife
Beardy the Hedgehog
Gay Ballerina


----------



## sospiro

A monkey limps into a bar in the Wild West and says ”I'm looking for the man who shot my paw".


----------



## SixFootScowl

My dog chewed the tongue on one of my new, expensive running shoes. I hoped to save my investment, so I took the sneakers to a shoe repair shop. I placed them on the counter and told the man, "My dog got hold of this." 

The repairman picked up the shoe, looked it over, and placed it back down on the counter. "Well, what do you recommend?" I asked. 

He looked at me and replied, "Give your dog the other shoe."


----------



## SixFootScowl

My father is a skilled CPA who is not great at self-promotion. So, when an advertising company offered to put my father's business placard in the shopping carts of a supermarket, my dad jumped at the chance.

A full year went by before he got a call that could be traced to those placards.

"Richard Larson, CPA?" the caller asked.

"That's right," my father answered. "May I help you?"

"Yes," the voice said. "One of your shopping carts is in my yard and I want you to come and get it."


----------



## SixFootScowl

Things You Do Not Want to Happen at Your ATM 

- You go to get a balance inquiry, and instead of printing out a receipt the screen says: "Not worth wasting paper", and ejects your card.

- You try to get a balance inquiry, and the screen says: "Account not found." and keeps your card. 

- You insert your card, and try to get some cash, and the ATM laughs and spits out your shredded card. 

- You withdraw some money to pay some bills, count it, and the screen says: "What, you thought there was some EXTRA there? HA!", and ejects your card clear across the room. 

- You think you've got $100 in your account and go to take out $50, and the screen says: "Not in this lifetime." and laughs as you bang on the machine, trying desperately to get your card back that the machine has taken. 

- You go to the ATM, and there's a picture of you a-la-"Most Wanted" staring forlornly at the ATM camera with a caption that reads: "Wanted for trying to get water from a dry well."


----------



## SixFootScowl

A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down but lacked the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back. 'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theater followed by drinks. They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest. She paid for everything and said she had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible! 'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies, 'You just happened to catch my eye.'


THE REST OF THE STORY:

She went on to say it was one of the most memorable evenings she had ever had, and suggested they do it again.

He told her he felt the same way, and suggested the next night.

She answered that that would be perfect and promised him, "I’ll keep an eye out for you."


----------



## Ingélou

Not exactly a 'stupid joke', but a nice post on my Airedale forum:

"Witnessed totally disgusting behaviour on the beach at Skegness today.

A man and woman began arguing in front of a group of kids. She smacked him on the head and then it all kicked off between them. The police arrived and the policeman ended up using his truncheon on the bloke, but the man managed to wrestle it from the Bobby and started hitting both the policeman and the woman with it. 

Then a crocodile turned up and stole all the sausages as the man shouted, 'That's the way to do it!!'"

(Some local authorities in Britain have banned you-know-who on the grounds of the bad example it sets the young.)


----------



## Abraham Lincoln

Florestan said:


> Things You Do Not Want to Happen at Your ATM
> 
> - You go to get a balance inquiry, and instead of printing out a receipt the screen says: "Not worth wasting paper", and ejects your card.
> 
> - You try to get a balance inquiry, and the screen says: "Account not found." and keeps your card.
> 
> - You insert your card, and try to get some cash, and the ATM laughs and spits out your shredded card.
> 
> - You withdraw some money to pay some bills, count it, and the screen says: "What, you thought there was some EXTRA there? HA!", and ejects your card clear across the room.
> 
> - You think you've got $100 in your account and go to take out $50, and the screen says: "Not in this lifetime." and laughs as you bang on the machine, trying desperately to get your card back that the machine has taken.
> 
> - You go to the ATM, and there's a picture of you a-la-"Most Wanted" staring forlornly at the ATM camera with a caption that reads: "Wanted for trying to get water from a dry well."


That's not a joke. That's just depressing.


----------



## SixFootScowl

Abraham Lincoln said:


> That's not a joke. That's just depressing.


I once had the machine eat my card (back when the machine took the card then spat it back out after the transaction). I went around the back and pulled the plug, then called the bank. I got my card back in the mail the next week.


----------



## sospiro

Florestan said:


> I once had the machine eat my card (*back when the machine took the card then spat it back out after the transaction*.)


Mine always does that.



Florestan said:


> I went around the back and pulled the plug, then called the bank. I got my card back in the mail the next week.


Haha! Nice one


----------



## sospiro

I'm planning a trip on Eurostar. At least it's comfortable - It's murder on the Orient Express.


----------



## sospiro

2 Eskimos sitting in a kayak were cold. They lit a fire in the canoe. It sank. Proving you can't have your kayak and heat it.


----------



## James Murphy

I am reading an absorbing book about the History of Glue at the moment and I just can't put it down......


----------



## dieter

If they weigh a whale at a whaleweigh station, where do they weigh a pie?
Simple: Somewhere over the rainbow, weigh a pie...


----------



## KenOC

Seen on another forum, a story Muhammad Ali told about himself. He's on an airplane.

Stewardess: "Mr. Ali, would you please fasten your seatbelt?"

Ali: "Superman don't need no seatbelt."

Stewardess: "Mr. Ali, Superman don't need no airplane."


----------



## sospiro

Do all those screwdrivers really belong to Phillip?


----------



## clockworkmurderer

This blind fella with a seeing eye dog comes up to the crosswalk and stops, waiting for his dog to lead him across when it's safe. 

The dog leads him right out into traffic, and miraculously they make it across without getting hit by a car. 

The guy pulls a biscuit out of his pocket and starts offering it to the dog when a bystander steps up to him and exclaims, "Sir, your dog led you right out into traffic and you're going to reward him with a biscuit?"

Sunglasses responds "Nah, I just want to know where his head is at so I can kick his azz."


----------



## clavichorder

sospiro said:


> Do all those screwdrivers really belong to Phillip?


True story:

My family was planning our move to Seattle around '99. My parents tried to explain it to my then three year old brother and he developed an amusing misconception. 
The parents said something like, 
"We are going to Seattle, isn't that exciting?"
And my brother said this,
"Wow! I want to see Attle!"

...He continued to think that way or at least was fond of saying that phrase till we were actually arriving and possibly a little after.


----------



## sospiro

clavichorder said:


> True story:
> 
> My family was planning our move to Seattle around '99. My parents tried to explain it to my then three year old brother and he developed an amusing misconception.
> The parents said something like,
> "We are going to Seattle, isn't that exciting?"
> And my brother said this,
> "Wow! I want to see Attle!"
> 
> ...He continued to think that way or at least was fond of saying that phrase till we were actually arriving and possibly a little after.


:lol:

Reminds me of the time I was telling people that I was going to Seattle (opera house) to see Attila (opera). True.


----------



## sospiro

I've been teaching hobbits how to play cricket. Bilbo's good at catching. He can't really Frodo.


----------



## Huilunsoittaja

"I went to see Strauss' _Salome _4 times... for the music of course. *ahem*"

:tiphat:


----------



## Dr Johnson

Back on January 9th, a group of HELLS ANGELS, South Carolina bikers were riding east on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.


George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked, "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . . why don't you give ol' George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . . and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."


It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.


----------



## geralmar

I clipped this from Esquire magazine and it may or may not be true:

BIGGEST LIE ON A RESUME:

"Helped end slavery."

Jacob Schuster, Linden, New Jersey


----------



## TurnaboutVox

sospiro said:


> I've been teaching hobbits how to play cricket. Bilbo's good at catching. He can't really Frodo.


Here's your coat... :tiphat:


----------



## SixFootScowl

geralmar said:


> I clipped this from Esquire magazine and it may or may not be true:
> 
> BIGGEST LIE ON A RESUME:
> 
> "Helped end slavery."
> 
> Jacob Schuster, Linden, New Jersey


Perhaps their last job was like slavery to them so they quit, thereby helping to end slavery.


----------



## KenOC

Bill Clinton and the Pope both died on the same day. Due to a minor clerical error, the Pope went to Hell, while Clinton went to Heaven. When the Pope arrived in Hell, everyone realized the mistake. Because of an issue with the union, they couldn't swap the two until the next day, and the Pope had to spend the night in Hell, while Clinton spent the night in Heaven. The next day the paperwork got worked out. On his way up to Heaven, the Pope ran into Clinton. Clinton asked the Pope, "How was your night in Hell?" "Very educational," responded the Pope. "I've learned a lot from the experience, but now I'm glad I'm going to Heaven. I've been waiting all my life to meet the Virgin Mary." "Ooh, sorry," said Clinton, "you should have been there yesterday."


----------



## znapschatz

How do you get 4 elephants into a Mini-Cooper?


Two in front, two in the rear.


----------



## Pat Fairlea

znapschatz said:


> How do you get 4 elephants into a Mini-Cooper?
> 
> Two in front, two in the rear.


How do you get four gorillas into a Mini Cooper?

You can't. It's full of elephants.


----------



## TurnaboutVox

sospiro said:


> I've been teaching hobbits how to play cricket. Bilbo's good at catching. He can't really Frodo.


Can he bat? We need a new No. 2, 4, 5, and 7 tout de suite!


----------



## geralmar

In the wake of the furor over the tenor who changed the words of the Canadian national anthem at the baseball all-star game, a commentator repeated the joke about "The tenor who was so stupid another tenor noticed it."


----------



## Dim7

Anagrams

PRESBYTERIAN: Best In Prayer

ASTRONOMER: Moon Starer

DESPERATION: A Rope Ends It

THE EYES: They See

GEORGE BUSH: He Bugs Gore

THE MORSE CODE: Here Come Dots

DORMITORY: Dirty Room

SLOT MACHINES: Cash Lost In Me

ANIMOSITY: Is No Amity

ELECTION RESULTS: Lies-Let's Recount

SNOOZE ALARMS: Alas-No More Z's

A DECIMAL POINT: I'm A Dot In Place

THE EARTHQUAKES: That Queer Shake

CLINT EASTWOOD: Old West Action

ELEVEN PLUS TWO: Twelve Plus One

MOTHER-IN-LAW: Woman Hitler

MICROSOFT WINDOWS: Sown In Discomfort

THE TITANIC DISASTER: Death, It Starts In Ice

BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN: Creep Brings Tunes

DEBIT CARD: Bad Credit

BREASTS: Bra Sets

DAVID LETTERMAN: Nerd Amid Late TV

LAXATIVE: Exit Lava

STATUE OF LIBERTY: Built To Stay Free

EVANGELIST: Evil's Agent

DANCING WITH THE STARS: Winners Had Tight Acts

FRITO LAY: Oily Fart

YEAR TWO THOUSAND: A Year To Shut Down

CHRISTMAS: Trims Cash

A GENTLEMAN: Elegant Man

LISTEN: Silent

GARBAGE MAN: Bag Manager

A DOMESTICATED ANIMAL: Docile, As A Man Tamed It

A SHOPLIFTER: Has To Pilfer

WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE: I'll Make A Wise Phrase

WAITRESS: A Stew, Sir?

GUINESS DRAUGHT: Naughtiness Drug

ACHIEVEMENTS: Nice, Save Them

WESTERN UNION: No Wire Unsent

JENNIFER ANNISTON: Fine In Torn Jeans

PRINCESS DIANA: End Is A Car Spin

BEAVIS AND BUTTHEAD: Thus, Be A Bad Deviant

CONFESSIONAL: On Scale Of Sin

SPICE GIRLS: Pig Slices

VEGETARIAN: Ate In Grave

SHERLOCK HOLMES: He'll Mesh Crooks

CONVERSATION: Voices Rant On

THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA: Attaineth Its Cause, Freedom

SHOWER TIME: Where Moist

GEOLOGIST: Go Get Oils

PRESIDENT BUSH: Burnished Pest

IPOD LOVER: Poor Devil

NARCISSCIAM: Man's Crisis

ACTOR SYLVESTER STALLONE: Very Cool Talentless Star

A TELESCOPE: To See Place

AUSTIN POWERS: Power Us Satin

SNOOZE ALARMS: Alas! No More Z's

HOWARD STERN: Retard Shown

GENE SIMMONS: Immense Song

JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE: I’m A Jerk But Listen

GEORGE W BUSH: He Grew Bogus

SAN FRANCISCO GIANTS: Fascinating, No Scars

JAY LENO: Enjoy L.A.

CLOTHESPINS: So Let's Pinch

BOB MARLEY: Marble Boy

APPLE PRODUCTS: Support Placed

BARBIE DOLL: Liberal Bod

BELGIUM: Big Mule

MOTLEY CRUE: Me Cruel Toy

MADONNA LOUISE CICCONE: One Cool Dance Musician

TOM CRUISE: So I'm Cuter

PRE-CALCULUS: Call Up Curse

FUNERAL: Real Fun

FLAMETHROWER: Oh, Felt Warmer

RONALD WILSON RREAGAN: Insane Anglo Warlord

MICROWAVE: Warm Voice

T.S.ELLIOT: Toilets

HOT WATER: Worth Tea

THE COUNTRY SIDE: No City Dust Here

MARGARET THATCHER: That Great Charmer

GOODBYE: Obey God

DARLING I LOVE YOU: Avoiding Our Yell

THE CINCINNATI REDS: Indecent Christian

GRADUATION: Out In A Drag

ACTION MAN: Cannot Aim


----------



## Ginger

This is hilarious! Mother-in-law is the best... Where did you find this?


----------



## Dim7

Ginger said:


> This is hilarious! Mother-in-law is the best... Where did you find this?


My browser warned about the ads on the site being suspicious, so I don't necessarily recommend visiting the site, but this is the link: http://www.you-can-be-funny.com/Funny-Anagrams.html

They're really quite impressive, not far-fetched as one might imagine amagrams would often end up being....


----------



## Scopitone

Why did the plane crash?
Because the pilot was a loaf of bread.


----------



## Abraham Lincoln

What do you get when you give Eevee a French Stone?

Napoleon.


----------



## Abraham Lincoln

Donald Trump wants to ban the sale of pre-shredded cheese so he can make America grate again.


----------



## Abraham Lincoln

What happens when you go to sleep listening to Evanescence?

You CAN'T WAKE UP.


----------



## Xenakiboy

The attitude people have towards contemporary and modern Music


----------



## Pugg

The attitude towards classical composers by modern day composers .


----------



## Mahlerian

Pugg said:


> The attitude towards classical composers by modern day composers .


What's wrong with respect?


----------



## SixFootScowl

"Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped."

-- Groucho Marx


----------



## Pugg

Mahlerian said:


> What's wrong with respect?


Absolutely nothing Mahlerian, has to be earned though.


----------



## aleazk

Pugg said:


> The attitude towards classical composers by modern day composers .


Most modern composers strongly respect and admire classical composers.


----------



## sospiro

For the third night in a row someone has secretly been adding soil to my vegetable patch. The plot thickens...


----------



## znapschatz

Q: Why do scuba divers go into the water backwards off the boat?



A: Because if they went forward, they would still be on the boat.


----------



## znapschatz

So I'm looking at this guy and I notice his eyeglass frames have no glass in them. 

"How come?" I sez.

He shrugs and replies, "They're better than nothing."


----------



## TxllxT

Feminism will last just so long until one meets a real man.
Communism will last just so long until one owns a real capital.
Atheism will last just so long until one encounters a real turbulence (during an air-flight).


----------



## Abraham Lincoln

TxllxT said:


> Feminism will last just so long until one meets a real man.


*struggles to prevent self from exploding from inner feminist rage*


----------



## Poodle

Abraham Lincoln said:


> *struggles to prevent self from exploding from inner feminist rage*


Don't be cheeky now


----------



## Abraham Lincoln

Poodle said:


> Don't be cheeky now












It's too late. Your FEMINIST has exploded.


----------



## sospiro

Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter’, who stabbed 6 people yesterday, believe the attacker could be following some sort of pattern.


----------



## sospiro

I had a curried pelican at my local Indian restaurant last night. It tasted delicious but the bill was enormous.


----------



## Barbebleu

At the risk of offending some of my American friends

Donald Trump became US President and went on a fact-finding visit to Israel. While he was on a tour of Jerusalem he suffered a heart attack and died.


The undertaker then told the American Diplomats who were accompanying him, 'You can have him shipped home for $50,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land for just $100.'


The American Diplomats went into a corner and discussed this for a few minutes. They came back to the undertaker and told him they wanted Donald shipped home.


The undertaker was puzzled and asked, 'Why would you spend $50,000 to ship him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $100?



The American Diplomats replied, 'A long time ​ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can't take the risk.....'


----------



## Barbebleu

At the further risk of alienating even more of my American friends. 

Nicola Sturgeon, Theresa May and Donald Trump are on a plane flying back to America after a a big celebration at Trump Turnberry. Midway through the flight the pilot comes on the intercom and says "Bad news folks. The engines are failing and we are going down. The other bad news is that there are only two parachutes where you three are so good luck with that. "

Donald immediately grabs one and says "Sorry ladies, I'm the smartest man in America so I'm out of here. " and out the door he goes. 

Nicola looks at Theresa and says "Ah well Theresa you take that parachute and I'll take this one. "

Theresa says "I thought there was only two between us. where did the third come from?"

Nicola replies" there was only two but the smartest man in America is away with my rucksack!"


----------



## Barbebleu

I promise this is the last one before my relatives disown me. 

Donald Trump comes home from work early and finds Melania in bed with the gardener. Donald pulls out a gun and shoots the gardener then points the gun to his own head. 

"Don't be a fool Donald" shouts Melania. 

"Shut up woman, you're next!" says Donald.


----------



## znapschatz

Barbebleu said:


> I promise this is the last one before my relatives disown me.
> 
> Donald Trump comes home from work early and finds Melania in bed with the gardener. Donald pulls out a gun and shoots the gardener then points the gun to his own head.
> 
> "Don't be a fool Donald" shouts Melania.
> 
> "Shut up woman, you're next!" says Donald.


A schoolyard bully, crafty hustler, impulsive, egotistical boor, too be sure, but not stupid. But it's a good joke, anyway :lol: .


----------



## geralmar

You can't trust atoms. They make up everything.


----------



## znapschatz

A snail staggers into a police station.

"Help," he cries, "I've just been mugged by two slugs."

The desk sergeant asks, "Can you describe them?"

"I don't know," the snail replies. "It all happened so fast."


----------



## znapschatz

And now, a musical joke:

Q: What's the difference between God and an orchestra conductor? 

A: God doesn't think he's a conductor.


----------



## znapschatz

When I throw rocks at seagulls, I leave no tern unstoned (original version).


When I throw pot brownies at seagulls, I leave no tern unstoned (humane version).


----------



## Barbebleu

A man is walking along a beach and stubs his toe on what he thinks is a rock. He looks down and sees a handle sticking out of the sand. He reaches down and grasping the handle pulls it out to reveal a brass lamp. He gives it a rub and to his astonishment a genie appears. 

"Thank you for releasing me from my 5,000 year imprisonment. I will grant you one wish for whatever your heart desires."

The man thinks for a minute and says " My girlfriend lives in New York and I live in Scotland. I hate flying and I get seasick but I love driving so can you build me a bridge from Scotkand to New York?"

"You must be joking" says the genie" the environmental cost would be colossal not to mention the impact on the marine life. Can you think of something else less damaging?"

The man thinks again and says " well, what I would love to know is what do women really think about and what is it they really want from men. Could you give me the ability to really know what women want?"

The genie thinks for a second and replies " how many lanes did you want on the bridge?"


----------



## znapschatz

While walking down the dirt path that separated two villages, an elderly man came across an ant lying down in the middle of the walkway. It was wiggling its legs and chanting "YECHAMA YECHAMA YECHAMA" over and over again. 
So the old guy asked the ant, "What do you think you are doing?" 
The ant replied, "I have been told that the sky is going to fall today." 
Said the oldie, "Do you think what you are doing will prevent that from happening?"
Said the ant, "I do what I can."


----------



## sospiro

What did the buffalo say when her lad went off to uni? Bison.


----------



## hpowders

znapschatz said:


> And now, a musical joke:
> 
> Q: What's the difference between God and an orchestra conductor?
> 
> A: God doesn't think he's a conductor.


How would you know this?


----------



## znapschatz

hpowders said:


> How would you know this?


I could tell you, but you wouldn't believe Me.


----------



## hpowders

znapschatz said:


> I could tell you, but you wouldn't believe Me.


But I WANT to believe you.


----------



## znapschatz

hpowders said:


> But I WANT to believe you.


Belief is easy. Comedy is hard.


----------



## hpowders

znapschatz said:


> Belief is easy. Comedy is hard.


Comedy is easier in a forum. Standup is much harder where timing is so critical.

I see God as the Ultimate Conductor.


----------



## hpowders

Deleted post.


----------



## znapschatz

If I have offended, I apologize.


----------



## znapschatz

hpowders said:


> Comedy is easier in a forum. Standup is much harder where timing is so critical.
> 
> I see God as the Ultimate Conductor.


Now, there's an awesome image.


----------



## Mahlerian

hpowders said:


> Comedy is easier in a forum. Standup is much harder where timing is so critical.
> 
> I see God as the Ultimate Conductor.


Electricity goes through him faster than can anything else imaginable.


----------



## millionrainbows

A rabbit walks into a bar, and the bartender says "What is this? Some kind of joke?"


----------



## millionrainbows

A standup comic opens his routine: "Hello, this is a nice town you have here. It's too bad about the pedophile problem, though."
"What are you talking about?" an audience member responds. "We don't have a big pedophile problem here."
"Well," the comic responded, "every metro bus I've seen has a sign on the back reading "Caution: Children may be exiting."


----------



## hpowders

Mahlerian said:


> Electricity goes through him faster than can anything else imaginable.


Ohm-my God!! You mangled my intent!


----------



## Mahlerian

hpowders said:


> Ohm-my God!! You mangled my intent!


Sorry, I didn't expect you to put up such resistance.


----------



## hpowders

Mahlerian said:


> Sorry, I didn't expect you to put up such resistance.


I didn't realize that you had recently amped up your game. I should have known.


----------



## Dim7

I am frankly _shocked_ by this appalling punning going on around here.


----------



## hpowders

Watt time is it? I think it may be time for my first gin & tonic of the day.


----------



## Mahlerian

Dim7 said:


> I am frankly _shocked_ by this appalling punning going on around here.


Didn't you know? It's the current thing these days.


----------



## hpowders

I would like to see all that word play diminished a bit in frequency; a bit more ground in the music, so to speak. I was shocked to see how much the posting around here has changed after they released....I mean....after I came back from vacation.

Of course I have no reluctance to do anything about it. I will just have to switch my expectations a bit.


----------



## hpowders

You know, I would really die for an ode to the good old days around here.


----------



## Pat Fairlea

hpowders said:


> You know, I would really die for an ode to the good old days around here.


Sorry, that's beyond my capacitance,


----------



## hpowders

Pat Fairlea said:


> Sorry, that's beyond my capacitance,


With further study, you can transformer yourself. Your head and eyes may hertz at first, but the aches will gradually diminish.

You will experience much resistance but:

Your reward: you will become ohm-niscient in all things CM.


----------



## sospiro

Dad owl: I'm dying so I need you to look after things. I'm going to give you-
Son owl: Don't say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]


----------



## hpowders

I am so into Bach that these are the only pretzels I will ever eat.


----------



## SixFootScowl

hpowders said:


> View attachment 88455
> 
> 
> I am so into Bach that these are the only pretzels I will ever eat.


And this is the beer you should drink:


----------



## hpowders

Wasn't it the moral of an Aesop's Fable: Short and seemly win the race?


----------



## TxllxT

Sam & Moos (Moses) have taken their seats in a South German cable lift and they're going up. On the other side people are coming down and everyone is saying: "Grüß Gott!" Says Moos: "Are we going up that high?!"


----------



## TxllxT

Moos (Moses) is on winter-sport and gets covered up by an avalanche. Rescue teams arrive but it is hard to find him. Finally a helicopter sees him. The last part for getting closer to him is especially hard. From afar the rescue team starts to call: "Mr. Cohen! Mr. Cohen! The Red Cross is coming!" Calls Moos back: "Last week I've already given my donation!"


----------



## sospiro

I just made my hamster a strong black coffee. I don't want him falling asleep at the wheel.


----------



## KenOC

A Finn is looking up at a flagpole. A Swede comes along and asks, “Whatcha doin’?”

“I’m trying to figure out how tall this flagpole is.”

The Swede whips out a wrench, pulls one of the two base bolts, and lays the flagpole down on its side. Then he takes a tape measure from another pocket and measures it.

“It’s 34 feet 7 inches,” he says. He puts the flagpole back up and strolls away.

“Stupid Swede,” the Finn mutters. “I wanted to know how tall it was, not how long.”


----------



## KenOC

A Brit is motoring along a country road when he comes across a car smashed up in the ditch and the driver, still alive and covered with blood, laying alongside.

"I say, have an accident?"

"No thanks, old boy. Just had one."


----------



## KenOC

A drunk Alaskan decides to go ice fishing. So he heads out onto the ice and starts to cut a hole.

A voice booms out from above: “You’ll find no fish here.”

The Alaskan looks around and sees nobody. So he starts to saw the ice again. The voice repeats: “You’ll find no fish here.”

The Alaskan stops, wide-eyed, and asks, “Are you God?”

“No, I’m the manager of this skating rink.”


----------



## znapschatz

As a middle aged man was crossing the street, he was struck a glancing blow by a passing automobile. Witnesses called an ambulance, and while it was on its way, one of them knelt beside the stricken man, placed a rolled up jacket under his head and asked, "Are you comfortable?"
The man replied, "I make a living."


----------



## TxllxT

Saar (Sarah) and Moos (Moses) are 19 years old and deeply in love. It is summer. They walk in the woods and the moss covering on the ground looks, well...., lovely. Moos glances at Saar with that glance of being deeply in love and says: "Shall we do it?!" With her eyes spitting fire Saar answers: 1) we are not married yet; 2) I've never done it; 3) I always get an headache after it....


----------



## KenOC

(Posted here before, sorry)

Quasimodo was retiring as the bell ringer at Notre Dame and advertised for a replacement. A fellow showed up and Q asked him to ring one of the bells.

He ran at the bell full tilt and struck it with his face. He rebounded, fell off the edge of the tower, and tumbled to the street below. Hurrying down, Q found he had died. Somebody asked, “Who was he?” Q replied, “I’m not sure, but his face rings a bell.”

The next day another person showed up who looked a lot like the previous guy and claimed to be his brother. He said he wanted the job. Q again asked him to ring a bell. He took a large wooden mallet and swung, but overbalanced himself and, as on the previous day, fell to the street below.

Again, Q hurried down and, again, found him dead. And again, somebody asked, “Who was he?” Q replied, “I don’t know for sure, but he’s a dead ringer for his brother.”


----------



## senza sordino

KenOC said:


> (Posted here before, sorry)
> 
> Quasimodo was retiring as the bell ringer at Notre Dame and advertised for a replacement. A fellow showed up and Q asked him to ring one of the bells.
> 
> He ran at the bell full tilt and struck it with his face. He rebounded, fell off the edge of the tower, and tumbled to the street below. Hurrying down, Q found he had died. Somebody asked, "Who was he?" Q replied, "I'm not sure, but his face rings a bell."
> 
> The next day another person showed up who looked a lot like the previous guy and claimed to be his brother. He said he wanted the job. Q again asked him to ring a bell. He took a large wooden mallet and swung, but overbalanced himself and, as on the previous day, fell to the street below.
> 
> Again, Q hurried down and, again, found him dead. And again, somebody asked, "Who was he?" Q replied, "I don't know for sure, but he's a dead ringer for his brother."


The next day, another person showed up and wanted to ring the bell. He overbalanced and fell to the floor. Again, Q hurried down and again found him dead. And again, somebody asked "who was he?" Q replied, "I don't know for sure, but I've got a hunch"


----------



## Pat Fairlea

KenOC said:


> A Finn is looking up at a flagpole. A Swede comes along and asks, "Whatcha doin'?"
> 
> "I'm trying to figure out how tall this flagpole is."
> 
> The Swede whips out a wrench, pulls one of the two base bolts, and lays the flagpole down on its side. Then he takes a tape measure from another pocket and measures it.
> 
> "It's 34 feet 7 inches," he says. He puts the flagpole back up and strolls away.
> 
> "Stupid Swede," the Finn mutters. "I wanted to know how tall it was, not how long."


I keep re-reading this joke, naggingly uncertain whether it contains a deep philosophical truth.


----------



## KenOC

Another moldie oldie. A violist is walking home after a rehearsal through some fields. He comes across a shepherd with a large flock of sheep. “Hey, if I guess the exact number of sheep you have, can I have one for myself?”

The shepherd figures there’s no way he can guess right, so he says, “Fine, go ahead.”

The violist quickly says, “You have 268 sheep. Can I choose mine now?”

The shepherd is amazed and dismayed, since the guess was correct. But he just nods sadly.

The violist selects his animal, slings it over his shoulders, and begins to walk off. But the shepherd calls out, “If I guess your profession, can I have my animal back?” The violist stops, turns around, and says, “Sure, OK.”

“You’re a violist, aren’t you.” The violist is startled but nods. “How did you know?”

“Well, if you’ll put the dog down we can talk about it.”


----------



## Pat Fairlea

KenOC said:


> Another moldie oldie. A violist is walking home after a rehearsal through some fields. He comes across a shepherd with a large flock of sheep. "Hey, if I guess the exact number of sheep you have, can I have one for myself?"
> 
> The shepherd figures there's no way he can guess right, so he says, "Fine, go ahead."
> 
> The violist quickly says, "You have 268 sheep. Can I choose mine now?"
> 
> The shepherd is amazed and dismayed, since the guess was correct. But he just nods sadly.
> 
> The violist selects his animal, slings it over his shoulders, and begins to walk off. But the shepherd calls out, "If I guess your profession, can I have my animal back?" The violist stops, turns around, and says, "Sure, OK."
> 
> "You're a violist, aren't you." The violist is startled but nods. "How did you know?"
> 
> "Well, if you'll put the dog down we can talk about it."


Hooray! I love that joke. But the version I know, the version that is told around the sort of labs I used to work in, has the violist replaced by a molecular biologist. The point being that molecular biologists wouldn't know an entire organism if it bit them.

My mouldy oldie contribution:
If you push a soprano and a contralto off a tall building at the same moment, which one hits the ground first?
The contralto, because the soprano loses her way.

In my defence, that joke was told to me by a soprano who also plays the viola.


----------



## znapschatz

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire ?


----------



## MalariaMan

At the doctors:
DOCTOR: So, what are your symptoms?
PATIENT: When I touch my left ribs it hurts...and so does when I touch my head, my legs and my feet!
DOCTOR: Hmmm..
PATIENT: What is it doctor? Am I dying? Is it serious?
DOCTOR: You have a broken finger!


----------



## ldiat

SENIOR TRYING TO SET PASSWORD

WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.
USER: cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than eight characters.
USER: boiled cabbage


WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain one numerical character.
USER: 1 boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.
USER: 50damnboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character
USER: 50DAMNboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.
USER: 50damnBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourA^^IfYouDon'tGiveM eAccessNow!

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.
USER: ReallyPissedOff50DamnBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourA** IfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow



WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.


----------



## Totenfeier

The only joke in the ******* genre which I personally wrote:

You might be a ******* if you ever tried to get the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms to cater your wedding.

Thank you! I'm here all week! Tip your waitress! Drive home safe!


----------



## Gordontrek

Totenfeier said:


> The only joke in the ******* genre which I personally wrote:
> 
> You might be a ******* if you ever tried to get the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms to cater your wedding.
> 
> Thank you! I'm here all week! Tip your waitress! Drive home safe!


I love ******* jokes!!
Some of my favs:
You might be a ******* if....
Your wife has ever said "come move this transmission so I can take a bath!"
You take a can of Raid to the dinner table every night. 
You have used a weed eater indoors. 
You cried when your son tapped his first keg. 
You consider fifth grade your "senior year."
Your home has more miles than your car. 
Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.

There's also ******* computer terms:
Active Desktop: What you get when you leave food on your 'puter desk. 
Board: What you get when you ain't busy. 
Digital: Countin' on your fingers. 
Enter: Northern for "C'mon in y'all!"
Hacker: Uncle Leroy after 30 years of Winston cigarettes. 
Line in: What you do when you go fishin'. 
Log on: How you make the far hotter. (fire)
Megahertz: How your head feels after too many Budweisers. 
RAM: What you drive when you ain't a Ford or Chevy man. 
Screen Saver: Fixin' kit for the winder screen. 
Superconductor: Amtrak's employee of the year.


----------



## Totenfeier

Yep - a big ole lak to dem (en Ah know whut far is!)

Ovair - at some distance
Rat cheer - at this location
Mere mint - a request for someone to come from ovair to rat cheer


----------



## ldiat

A bear walks into a bar, and says to the bar keep "I'll have a rum.......and coke.

The bartender says, "OK, but why the pause?"

The bear looks at his hands and says, "I don't know, I've had them all my life.".


----------



## Totenfeier

What do you call a black man selling drugs on the corner downtown?

A pharmacist, you racist!


----------



## SixFootScowl

What are a *******'s last words?

Hey y'all, watch this!


----------



## znapschatz

A terrible storm at the Mediterranean Sea overwhelmed a passenger ship. In the confusion, a couple boarded one lifeboat, but their twin infant sons were separated from them and each other in different boats. Fortunately, the couple survived, but other than that the other survivors safely reached shore, there was no accounting as to what happened to their children. 

After a search that took five years, at last came word that the twins were safe. Each one landed on a different shore, neither could be identified, so eventually they were adopted out to local families. One had reached Algeria and had been named by his adoptive parents Amahl, the other had washed up in Spain, where his adopted name was Juan. Along with the packet of information was a photograph of the 5 year old Juan. 

"Oh," sighed the boys' mother, "I wish we had a picture of Amahl."

"It's alright," replied her husband. "They are twins. When you've seen Juan, you've seen Amahl."


----------



## EddieRUKiddingVarese

Chinese old guy goes into chemist and ask for one aspirin and after much hassle shopkeeper relents and gives him one 
then he asks for on condom shopkeeper is not happy but gives him one 
old man then put said pill into Condon and swallows that lot
Shopkeeper says hey pill is for headache and condom for $$$$$ing
Old man says but I've got a $$$$$ing headache


----------



## KenOC

Back to ********.

Q: Why is a tornado in Alabama like a divorce in Missouri?
A: Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.


----------



## Pat Fairlea

Here's my favourite Irish joke. To 'gat' the punchline, you may have to read it out loud.

Michael is a lad from darkest Co. Mayo in search of work. He gets off the boat in Liverpool and goes to a building site. The foreman looks Michael up and down, and is not convinced that this skinny Irish lad would be of any use in the building trade. "Right then Mick", he says "Let's see if you know anything about building. What's the difference between a joist and a girder?".
Michael thinks for a minute. "Ah well now", he says, "Joist wrote 'Ulysses' and Girder wrote 'Faust'".


----------



## Totenfeier

KenOC said:


> Back to ********.
> 
> Q: Why is a tornado in Alabama like a divorce in Missouri?
> A: Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.


Or, on to hillbillies (and ah are descended frum em):

Did you hear about the tornado that rampaged through West Virginia and did an estimated $200 million worth of improvements?


----------



## znapschatz

Totenfeier said:


> Or, on to hillbillies (and ah are descended frum em):
> 
> Did you hear about the tornado that rampaged through West Virginia and did an estimated $200 million worth of improvements?


Actually, I should probably not laugh out of respect for a sister in law who comes from W. Va. But the operative phrase here is, "comes from."


----------



## Pat Fairlea

From BBC Radio 4 this afternoon:

What's the difference between the Mafia and a group of sociologists?

The sociologists make you an offer you can't understand.


----------



## ldiat

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out Of the room.

A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, But as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, A dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!"

She cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."


----------



## sospiro

A guy was nailing his interview when the employer said “Well you look great but I see here there was a 7 year gap since your last job, what happened there?”

The guy says “Oh I went to yale”.

The employer: “Oh great!! Well you’re hired, you start Monday”

Guy: “Yay! I got a yob!”


----------



## Totenfeier

Ethnic Stereotype #1 and Ethnic Stereotype #2 decide to have a football game.

When a nearby factory whistle sounds, Ethnic Stereotype #1 leaves the field, thinking it's halftime.

Three plays later, Ethnic Stereotype #2 scores!


----------



## senza sordino

A moth flies into a podiatrist's office and starts to complain. In a stream of blurting words he begins: "Doctor, doctor, you've got to help me, my life is a mess. My kids hate me, I hate my kids, my wife hates me and I hate her. I get up and it's the same thing day after day, nothing changes. Sometimes I just want to jump in front of a moving car and end it all, life is terrible. I hate everything, I'm angry all the time, I'm depressed all the time. I don't know what to do. I can't take it anymore. It just seems all meaningless. My life is a total mess"

The podiatrist interrupts and says "Moth, moth, slow down. Calm down. I'm a podiatrist, I can't help you, you need to see a psychiatrist. Why did you come in here?"

Moth "Your light was on!"


----------



## Totenfeier

A man walks into a doctor's office with a parrot on his head.

The doctor says, "How can I help you?"

The parrot says, "Can you do something about this growth on my ***?"


----------



## TwoFlutesOneTrumpet

senza sordino said:


> A moth flies into a podiatrist's office and starts to complain. In a stream of blurting words he begins: "Doctor, doctor, you've got to help me, my life is a mess. My kids hate me, I hate my kids, my wife hates me and I hate her. I get up and it's the same thing day after day, nothing changes. Sometimes I just want to jump in front of a moving car and end it all, life is terrible. I hate everything, I'm angry all the time, I'm depressed all the time. I don't know what to do. I can't take it anymore. It just seems all meaningless. My life is a total mess"
> 
> The podiatrist interrupts and says "Moth, moth, slow down. Calm down. I'm a podiatrist, I can't help you, you need to see a psychiatrist. Why did you come in here?"
> 
> Moth "Your light was on!"


----------



## Dr Johnson

"Why I'm divorced."



That morning.* I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband*would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday,'* and possibly have a*small present for me.

As it turned out, he barely said good morning, let alone* 'Happy Birthday.’

I thought....well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... they will remember.

My kids came bouncing down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office I felt pretty low and somewhat dejected.

As I walked into my office, my handsome boss, Rick, said, 'Good morning, lady, and by the way Happy Birthday!' It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock, when Rick knocked on my door and said, 'It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.'

I said, 'Thanks, Rick, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!'

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. He chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Rick said, 'It's such a beautiful day...we don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?'

I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?'

He said, 'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner.”

After arriving at his house, Rick turned to me and said, 'If you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.'

'Ok.' I nervously replied.

He went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, he came out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my husband , my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday.'

And I just sat there....

on the couch....


naked.


----------



## TxllxT

Don't show all those horror messages on cigarette packages.

Just announce that among those who will profit from your smoking are the politicians that make anti-smoking laws.

You will see how effectively steep the drop in cigarette sales will be...


----------



## ldiat

I am so angry right now !!!!!!!! ?? I came home early to work from home today and there were 3 police cars in my driveway.The front door had been knocked off the hinges, stuff everywhere, and apparently they were looking for something. So i go inside and they are searching through everything, even our laundry. They checked inside the closets under my mattress. They tore my house apart. So, as you can imagine, I'm very upset, and I'm trying figure out what's going on!
I asked if they had a search warrant, the cop in my bedroom yells, "Where did you hide it at? We know it's here."
Then I yell back, "If I had an idea of what you're looking for sir, maybe I could help!" He has the audacity to tell me "you wanna go to jail?" so I shut up and watch one of the other cops look down at his phone.
Then he shouts, "Guys Stop! Hold on. We're in the wrong house! The Pokémon is next door!"


----------



## TxllxT

Christian to confession father: Father, I've sinned!
Confession father: Tell me, my son, what did you do?
Christian: Father, I've deceived a Jew!
Confession father: That's no sin, that's a miracle!


----------



## SixFootScowl

OLD FARMER JOHN

Old farmer John owned a small farm in Montana. The Montana Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his workers and sent an agent out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.

'Well,' replied old John, "There's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night."

"That's the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit," says the agent.

"That would be me," replied old farmer John.

========================================

ENCYCLOPEDIAS

Working as a computer instructor for an adult-education program at a community college, I am keenly aware of the gap in computer knowledge between my younger and older students.

My observations were confirmed the day a new student walked into our library area and glanced at the encyclopedia volumes stacked on a bookshelf.

"What are all these books?" he asked.

Somewhat surprised, I replied that they were encyclopedias.

"Really?" he said. "Someone printed out the whole thing?"

===========================================


NORM'S LOVE OF BEER

"Can I draw you a beer, Norm?"
"No, I know what they look like. Just pour me one."

"What's new, Normie?"
"Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach and they're demanding beer."

"What'll it be, Normie?"
"Just the usual Coach. I'll have a froth of beer and a snorkel."

"What'd you like, Normie?"
"A reason to live. Give me another beer."

"Beer, Norm?"
"Have I gotten that predictable? Good."

"What's going on, Norm?"
"A flashing sign in my gut that says, 'Insert beer here.'"

"Hey Norm, Jack Frost nipping at your nose?"
"Yep, now let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver, huh?"

"How's it going Norm?"
"Poor."
"I'm sorry to hear that."
"No, I mean pour."

"Women. Can't live with 'em ... pass the beer nuts."

"Pour you a beer, Norm?"
"Alright, but stop me at one....make that one-thirty."

"Can I pour you a beer, Norm?"
"A little early isn't it, Woody?"
"For a beer?" 
"No, for stupid questions."


----------



## Totenfeier

Add one of my favorites:

"What's goin' on, Mr. Peterson?"
I'd rather talk about what's goin' _in_ Mr. Peterson."


----------



## Belowpar

So who is Scott Fitzgerald and why does everyone hate him?


----------



## Flamme

Who d **** said that classical lovers are sad & boring chaps??? Im laughing my a** up


----------



## senza sordino

Whatever you thought of me before, you'll think less of me after this:

Two flies are in a bar, and one turns to the other and asks, "excuse me, is this stool taken?"


----------



## KenOC

senza sordino said:


> Whatever you thought of me before, you'll think less of me after this:


Absolutely right.


----------



## ldiat

lady goes to her priest one day and confesses.

"Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

What do they say?" the priest inquires curiously.

The woman blushes as she explains that the two female birds repeat the same phrase over and over: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

“That's obscene!" the priest exclaims.

After a few moments of deliberation, however, he offers a solution. "You know," he says, "I have two male parrots, very devout birds, whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your female parrots to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship and speak in a more appropriate manner."

"Thank you," the woman responds, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brings her two female parrots to the priest's house.

As he ushers her in, she sees his two male parrots inside their cage, holding Rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walks over and places her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female birds cry out in unison: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" There is a stunned silence.

Finally, one male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"


----------



## Barbebleu

This may already have been posted so apologies. 

What is the difference between a Rottweiler and a Social Worker?

You will probably eventually get your child back from a Rottweiler!

Oh, I know, probably a bit harsh on Rottweilers.


----------



## Barbebleu

Again apologies if already posted. 

Two beatniks walking along the road and one trips and breaks an ankle. 

"Hey man" says one, "call me an ambulance."

"O.k." says his friend, "you're an ambulance."

A man is walking along the road carrying a double bass. "Excuse me" he says to a passing beatnik, "can you tell me how to get to Carnegie Hall?"

"Practice man, practice."


----------



## hpowders

Barbebleu said:


> Again apologies if already posted.
> 
> Two beatniks walking along the road and one trips and breaks an ankle.
> 
> "Hey man" says one, "call me an ambulance."
> 
> "O.k." says his friend, "you're an ambulance."
> 
> A man is walking along the road carrying a double bass. "Excuse me" he says to a passing beatnik, "can you tell me how to get to Carnegie Hall?"
> 
> "Practice man, practice."


They never get old!!! :lol::lol::lol:


----------



## Barbebleu

At the risk of offending my celtic friends.

Seamus is on a quiz show and not doing too well. In an effort to help him out the quizmaster decides to at least give him the chance to win a little money.

"Seamus, old Macdonald had a farm. Spell farm please."

Seamus thinks for a moment and replies, "Would it be ee, eye, ee, eye, oh?"


----------



## KenOC

From another forum:

I got on a plane to Rome and sat next to a man who introduced himself as Sam. He nodded to everyone around us and spoke to the other passengers, who greeted him by name. I asked him if he knew all these people. Yes, he said, he knew everyone in the world. Really? Yes, when we'll get to Rome I'll show you.

The pilot walked by and asked, "Everything all right, Sam? Anything we can do for you?" Sam said he was fine. We got to Rome and he was whisked through customs. "Nice to see you again, Sam, go right on through." We went to the taxi rank outside. The driver looked up from his newspaper and said, "Where to, Sam?" “St. Peter's Square. I want to introduce my friend to the Pope.”

I thought, this is getting pretty thick, but played along. At the plaza Sam excused himself and said he'd tell the Pope we're there. I thought, that's the last I'll see of him.

A few minutes later Sam stepped out onto the balcony where the Pope was blessing the crowd. This was too much. I grabbed the man next to me, pointed, and said "Do you know that man up there?" He squinted and said, "You mean the man next to Sam? Yeah, that's the Pope."


----------



## hpowders

One violin in the attic to another after many dusty years: "Are we being played?"

(An hpowders variation on the incredibly yenterrific Area 51.)


----------



## Barbebleu

Apologies again. 

My Celtic friend is sitting in the theatre watching a ventriloquist. For most of the act the ventriloquist is telling Irish joke after Irish joke. Eventually Seamus can take no more. "Hey you on the stage" he shouts, "I'm Irish and I'm sick of all these jokes at my expense."

"I'm so sorry sir" says the ventriloquist," I meant no offence to the Irish."

Seamus shouts back " I'm not talking to you, I'm talking to the little fella on yer knee."


----------



## hpowders

I'm in Russia consuming a most wonderful slice of Lenin Meringue Pie.


----------



## hpowders

Wouldn't quantum music be too Bohr-ing to listen to?


----------



## Pugg

Mirror mirror on the wall, who's the vilest of the place.


----------



## EddieRUKiddingVarese

What does a modern composer have for breakfast 

12 bowls of cereal


----------



## Barbebleu

Five men have been found dead with their mouths stuffed full of cornflakes. The police suspect they may have a cereal killer on their hands.


----------



## hpowders

EddieRUKiddingVarese said:


> What does a modern composer have for breakfast
> 
> 12 bowls of cereal


I notice an improvement in your tone(s) lately.


----------



## KenOC

A Canadian park ranger is giving some hikers a warning about bears.

"Brown bears are usually harmless. They avoid contact with humans so we suggest you attach small bells to your rucksacks and give the bears time to get out of the way. However grizzly bears are extremely dangerous. If you see grizzly bear droppings then leave the area immediately."

"How do we know if they're grizzly bear droppings?" asks one of the group.

"It's easy." replies the ranger. "They're full of little bells."


----------



## Barbebleu

Little boy says to grandfather "Gramps, can you make a noise like a frog?"

"Why?" replies gramps.

"Well dad says that when you croak we're all going to Disneyland."


----------



## senza sordino

Donald Trump goes to an elementary school to visit with children. He asks them if anyone knows what a tragedy is. One little boy says "when the car you're in crashes into another car." 

Trump replies, "no, that would be an accident". Anyone else?

A little girl says, "a plane crash And lots of people die"

Trump replies, "no, that would be a great loss". Anyone else?

A third child says, "what if you're in an airplane and it's hit by friendly fire"

Trump replies, "good, now that's a tragedy. Now why did you think of this example?"

The boy replies, "well, it wouldn't be a great loss, and you can bet your sweet a$$ it's no accident!"


----------



## Barbebleu

Why Parents Drink 

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick. So he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

"Hello?" 

"Is your daddy home?" 

Small voice whispered, "Yes, he's out in the garden," 

"May I talk with him?" 

The child whispered, "No."

So the boss asked, "Well, is your Mommy there?" 


"Yes, she's out in the garden too." 

The boss asked; "May I talk with her?" 

Again the ‘No’.

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes", whispered the child, "a policeman." 

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" 

"No, He's busy," whispered the child. 

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the police dog men." 

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background, the boss asked, "What is that noise?" 

"It's a helicopter" answered the whispering voice. 

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. 


"The search team just landed a helicopter."

"A search team?" said the boss "What are they searching for?"


Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...




"ME"


----------



## Animal the Drummer

What do you call a guy with pastry on the side of his head?

A pioneer.


----------



## Isiah Thanu

ldiat said:


> TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
> MARIA: Here it is.
> TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
> CLASS: Maria.
> 
> There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today, than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there will be a large elderly population with perky boobs, huge erections------
> 
> AND absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.


Being the wrong side of 70 I reckon this is brilliant. Tears of laughter!


----------



## znapschatz

While hiking in the Polish countryside, two men, one local and the other from Prague, were separately killed and consumed by a bear couple. They were pursued by forest service hunters, and the female was cornered and shot. When they opened her up, the remains of the Pole were found. The lead hunter said,"This can mean only one thing. The Czech is in the male."


----------



## KenOC

Ole hears that Sven just bought a new truck, so he goes over to take a look at it. When he gets there, he sees dents all over the truck and Sven sitting in the driveway behind the truck. 

Ole says, "Sven, why did you buy a truck with dents?" 

Sven says, "Oh, I made a real good deal. It got dented in a hailstorm, so the salesman gave me $50 off the price. And he said that all I have to do is blow on the tailpipe, and those dents will pop right out. But I've been sitting here blowing on this tailpipe for two hours now, and I don't think it's working." 

"Sven, don't be such a dummy. You have to close the windows first!"


----------



## EddieRUKiddingVarese

USA

but Harry Partch is still cool


----------



## KenOC

A priest was about to finish his tour of duty and was leaving his mission in the jungle where he had spent years teaching the natives. He suddenly realized that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English. So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.

He points to a tree and says to the chief, 'This is a tree.' The chief looks at the tree, nods, and says, 'Mmm. Tree.' The priest is pleased with the response. 

They walk a little further and the priest points to a rock and says, 'This is a rock.' Hearing this, the chief looks and says, 'Mmm. Rock.'

The Priest is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling ahead. As they walk further, they see a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The Priest is quite flustered and says, 'Man riding a bicycle.'

The chief looks at the couple briefly, nods to the priest, pulls out his blowgun and kills both people in the path.

The Priest is totally upset and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replies, 'Mmm. My bicycle.'


----------



## KenOC

Rabbi Asher Goldfeder was dying. He sent for his friend, Jesuit Father Fabris, and asked him for a deathbed conversion to Catholicism. Fr. Fabris was very surprised but complied. Rabbi Goldfeder's family were outraged and stormed into his sick-room as soon as the priest left.

Wagging a crafty finger at them, Asher forestalled their reproaches. "I know what I'm doing," he said, impressed by his own cunning. "Better one of them should die, than one of us."

(Thanks to Edgar for this one)


----------



## KenOC

A man takes his first trip to Hawaii. As he is walking around Honolulu he sees a policeman who appears to be a Hawaiian native so he goes up to him hoping to answer a question that's been nagging him.

"Excuse me sir", he asks, "Is it correctly pronounced Hawaii with a W or Havaii with a V?"

"Havaii", responds the policeman.

"Thank you very much. I have always wondered about the correct pronunciation."

“You're qvite velcome."


----------



## KenOC

Q: What does Long John Silver do before he goes to sleep at night?

A: He puts the ship on auto-pirate.


----------



## Barbebleu

Donald Trump and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barbershop.

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.

The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave.

Trump was quick to stop him saying, ‘No thanks, my wife will smell that and think I’ve been in a brothel,’

The second barber turned to Obama and said, ‘How about you?’

Obama replied, ‘Go ahead, my wife doesn’t know what the inside of a brothel smells like.’

Too harsh?


----------



## Pat Fairlea

Barbebleu said:


> Donald Trump and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barbershop.
> 
> As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.
> 
> The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.
> 
> As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave.
> 
> Trump was quick to stop him saying, 'No thanks, my wife will smell that and think I've been in a brothel,'
> 
> The second barber turned to Obama and said, 'How about you?'
> 
> Obama replied, 'Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like.'
> 
> Too harsh?


Outstandingly funny!


----------



## znapschatz

So the Dali Lama says to the hot dog vendor, "Make me one with everything."
The vendor piles it on the weiner, hands it to the Dali Lama and says, "That will be five dollars."
The Dali Lama hands the vendor a ten dollar bill. The vendor thanks him and pockets the money.
"How about my change?" asks the Dali Lama.
The vendor replies, "Change must come from within."


----------



## KenOC

(From Lez) A couple had two little mischievous boys, ages 8 and 10. They were always getting into trouble, and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would likely be involved. 

The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed and asked to see them individually. So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon. 

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open. The clergyman repeated the question. "Where is God?"

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.

So, the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God!?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?" 

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied: "We’re in real BIG trouble this time! God's missing, and they think we did it!"


----------



## znapschatz

As I was getting into bed, she said, "You're drunk."

I asked, "What makes you think so?"

She replied, "You live next door."


----------



## KenOC

More from Lez: Tom and Kate were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool Tom suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there.

Kate promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Tom out. Then she helped him back to his room.

When the medical director became aware of Kate's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged as he now considered her to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Kate the news he said, "Kate, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses.

“The bad news is that Tom, the patient you saved, hanged himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Kate replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."


----------



## Pat Fairlea

KenOC said:


> More from Lez: Tom and Kate were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool Tom suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there.
> 
> Kate promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Tom out. Then she helped him back to his room.
> 
> When the medical director became aware of Kate's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged as he now considered her to be mentally stable.
> 
> When he went to tell Kate the news he said, "Kate, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses.
> 
> "The bad news is that Tom, the patient you saved, hanged himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
> 
> Kate replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."


That's disgraceful. And funny.


----------



## KenOC

Yet another from Lez: There is a factory in Northern Minnesota that makes the “Tickle Me Elmo” toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. 

Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and reports for her first day promptly at 8.00 AM. Before noon there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she’s incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting production behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the two march down to the factory floor. 

When they get there the line is totally backed up and there are Tickle Me Elmos all over the factory floor. At the end of the line stands Lena, surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmos. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The two watch in amazement as she cuts a small piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager approaches Lena. "I'm sorry," he says to her, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you this morning."

"Your job is to give each Elmo two test tickles."


----------



## KenOC

Lez just won’t stop. On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my elderly friend. He was busy covering his ***** with black shoe polish.

I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked. You're supposed to turn your clock back."


----------



## hpowders

Off the top of my head:

Help needed! I love Wagner's Niebelung scenes, so if I'm looking for excerpts of these, should I be looking for lowlights, instead of highlights?


----------



## KenOC

Two elderly gentlemen, who have fished by the same stretch of river for years, are sitting fishing one morning when a funeral cortege slowly passes on the nearby bridge. One of the fishermen gently puts down his rod, stands up, takes off his cap, and stands there quietly, head bowed, as the cortege passes.

His fishing colleague is impressed. "That was very respectful, kind and decent of you Albert", to which the other, sitting down and resuming his fishing replies "Well, it's the least I could do. I was married to her for 47 years."


----------



## hpowders

Outta my head:

I have a lazy, unambitious 16 year old son, 16, living in the basement.
I just don't understand why Siegfried is so Idyll.


----------



## KenOC

Two older gentlemen have fished by the same stretch of river year in year out, every day without fail. Then one day one of them does not appear. The following day things are back to normal, both men sitting there together. 
"I missed you yesterday. Where were you, were you ill?"
"Nope, not ill. I got married."
"Married? My goodness, she must be a real beauty for you to miss a day of fishing."
"No, not really, most people describe her as ugly as sin."
"Oh. OK, well she must be a real kind lady for you to miss a day of fishing."
"I don't think so. She appears to have very few friends. Her family has disowned her, none of them turned up at the wedding."
"Oh. Well, she must be a quiet, gentle soul for you to miss a day of fishing for her."
"Not really, all the people who do know her describe her as aggressive and cantankerous."
"Gosh. Well she must be a great cook for you to miss a day of fishing for her."
"Can't cook. She can't even make beans on toast."
"Is she great in the sack, then? She must be for you to miss a day of fishing."
"I don't know. We’ve agreed to sleep in separate rooms at opposite ends of the house."
"Well, then, surely she's loaded? She must at least be rich for you to miss a day of fishing."
"Oddly enough she's penniless, and I had to agree to pay off all her debts."
"Good grief, man! So what is it about this woman? It must be something for you to miss a day of fishing."
"She's got worms."


----------



## Barbebleu

Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Is it just me but shouldn't that be an even number?

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

If I had a pound for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it.

Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

I think my neighbour is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

Strong people don't put others down. They lift them up and slam them on the ground for maximum damage.

I hate when I am about to hug someone really sexy and my face hits the mirror.

Money talks ...but all mine ever says is good-bye.

You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.

If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.


----------



## Barbebleu

There's a guy sitting at the superbowl and obviously it's a complete sellout. However the seat beside him is vacant. The guy on the other side of the empty seat shouts over "Hey buddy, that's a disgrace that whoever has a ticket for that seat hasn't used it" 

The first guy says " Oh, that was my wife's seat but sadly she passed."

Second guy says "I'm real sorry about that." He pauses and says "Couldn't somebody in your family have used the ticket?"

First guy says "Well, they would have, except they're all at the funeral."


----------



## Barbebleu

Last year I went on the trip of a lifetime. Never again!


----------



## ldiat

Old joke. It may even have already been posted on this thread.

Woman in bar: "I'll do anything you want for $200.

Man in bar: "Anything?"

Woman: "Anything!"

Man: "Absolutely anything?"

Woman: "Absolutely anything?"

Man: "Great! Here's $200."

Woman: "What do you want me to do?"

Man: "Paint my house."


----------



## ldiat

At a Retirement center A 80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec hall at the home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!"





An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"





Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."


----------



## hpowders

Variation of the Groucho Marx joke:

Why didn't I join Talk Classical? I would never join any organization that would have me as a member.


----------



## Barbebleu

Guy wants his porch painted so he puts a sign up outside his house advertising the fact. A guy arrives at his door and inquires as to what sort of money is involved. The first guy says $100 and he will provide the paint. He hands the guy a pot of black paint and a brush and says that he will get his money when he is finished.

An hour later the second guy arrives back at the door and says that he is finished and can he have his money. The first guy says "You 're finished already? That was quick. Here's your money."

The second guy says " No problem. Just one thing. It's not a porch you've got, it's a Ferrari."


----------



## hpowders

I hate Schubert so much that when I found out I had a $200 Broadway show ticket at the Schubert theater, I stayed home.


----------



## hpowders

Locked Thread Complaint Tribute Thread:

Which was better: Locky One, Locky Two or Locky Three?


----------



## KenOC

Another from Lez, in England:

A school teacher was arrested today at Gatwick Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, the Home Secretary said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. 

He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the Metropolitan Police with carrying weapons of maths instruction.


----------



## ldiat

The mother responded, "It's my daughter, Darla -- she keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight and is sick most mornings."

The doctor examined Darla before coming to his conclusion.

"Well, I don't know how to tell you this but Darla is pregnant, about four months would be my guess," the doctor said.

The mother was shocked.

"Pregnant? She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man," the panicked mother says. "Have you, Darla?"

Darla tries to cover for herself, telling her mom, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"

At that moment, the doctor quietly walked over to the window, reports Boredom Therapy. He stared outside for a few minutes, not saying a word, until the mother finally decided she needed to know what he was doing.

"Is there something wrong out there doctor?" the mother asks.

"No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill," he said. "I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!"


----------



## hpowders

Off the top of my head:

I'm sure Karajan invited Schwarzkopf over for tea quite often. Unfortunately for him, he didn't have a Legge to stand on.


----------



## TxllxT

In the past people used to take off their hats. Nowadays people take out one earplug. In order to pay more respect: two.


----------



## pcnog11

What is the difference between an orchestra and a bull? 

A: On a bull, the horns are in front and the *******’s in the back.


----------



## Barbebleu

Black Bart rides into Tombstone and stops outside the local saloon. He ties up his horse and goes inside and walks up to the bar and orders a drink. The place goes silent and remains like that until Black Bart finishes his drink and leaves. To his horror his horse is nowhere to be seen. He looks around and walks back into the saloon, draws his gun and fires two shots in the air. The room goes silent again.
"O.k people. I'm going to have another drink and then I'm going back outside. If my horse isn't back by the time I finish my drink then the same things gonna happen here that happened in Dodge City."

He finishes his drink and goes outside and there is his horse tied to the rail. He mounts up and is just about to head off when a local shouts out, "Hey Black Bart, what did happen in Dodge City?"

Bart looks him in the eye and says " I had to darn well walk home."

I thank you, I'm here all week!


----------



## ldiat

:lol::lol: good one


----------



## KenOC

Lez stikes again.

Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.

One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it", he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad.... once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."

His wife sympathizes and makes him a cuppa. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try?"

"That's no good" sighs Arthur. "Your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help."

"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing, and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!"

"Where did it go?" says Arthur.

"I can't remember."


----------



## hpowders

Anton Bruckner made a scene in a famous Linz restaurant because he couldn't decide which version of schnitzel to order.


----------



## ldiat

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a 
barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for awhile, he yells 
to the bartender,

"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls 
absolutely quiet.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you 
tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - giving that you are 
blind - that you should know five things:

1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 160 LB. Blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.
5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, 
"Nah, Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.


----------



## ldiat

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)."
HUSBAND: (audible groan).
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you play golf with her?"
HUSBAND: "I guess so."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: - - - silence - - -
HUSBAND: "****."


----------



## ldiat

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby
reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile
dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket
to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.

The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned,
"This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful and then say
'1-2-3.' "

When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life
and you can perform as long as you want."


The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I
stop the medicine from working?" 


"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, 
"but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full
moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved,
took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the
bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he
was the manliest of men. 

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes and then she asked
"What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a
preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle. 
Rookies is offline Report Bad Post


----------



## ldiat

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
__________________


----------



## Barbebleu

5 Deadly Terms Used By A Woman

1. FINE - This is the word a woman uses to end an argument when she knows she is right and you need to shut up.

2. NOTHING - Means "Something" and you need to be worried.

3. GO AHEAD - This is a dare, not permission, don't do it.

4. WHATEVER - A woman's way of saying screw you.

5. IT'S OK - She is thinking long and hard on how and when you will pay for your mistake.

Ladies, You know I'm only joking.:lol:

Ooh, I just noticed that this is my fifteen hundredth post. Yay.


----------



## KenOC

Sherlock Holmes and Watson go camping. They pitch their tent in a clearing in the forest and build a campfire. After supper, they go to bed.

Late that night, Holmes wakes Watson and says, "Watson, look upward and tell me what you deduce."

Watson rolls onto his back and says, "I deduce that those thousands of stars are likely burning balls of gas, like our sun, and many doubtless have planets circling them. Some of the planets have living creatures, and some of those creatures may well be similar to us. But what do _you _deduce, Holmes?"

"Watson you idiot! I deduce, first of all, that someone has stolen our tent."


----------



## znapschatz

Old Jake was finally calling it quits. An aging caretaker, his sole duty for many years had been to polish the civil war brass cannon on display at the county building.

One of his friends asked,"Now that you are in retirement, what do you plan to do?" 

Jake replied, "I'm thinking of buying a cannon and going into business for myself."


----------



## KenOC

Another from Lez:

Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By coincidence both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest and tripped over the snake and fell down.

"Oh my,” said the bunny, “I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth and can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."

"That's OK,” replied the snake. "Actually, I too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and figure out what you are so you'll know."

"That would be wonderful!" replied the bunny.

So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."

"Oh, thank you, thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be a team leader, a supervisor, or possibly someone in senior management."


----------



## TxllxT

Christmas greeting. Two atheists meeting each other: "I wish you a happy nothing!" "I wish you nothing too!"


----------



## TxllxT

Anecdote from Odessa. A woman is sitting in a park, reading a book. Next to her a man comes sitting on the bench. He asks: "Lady, what are they writing?" She says: "They are writing that the most sexy men are Georgians, Jews and Indians". He says: "Allow me to introduce myself". He stands up, makes a bow and says: "I'm Guran (Georgian name) Abramovitch Chingazcook (Last of the Mohicans)".


----------



## TxllxT

Anecdote from Odessa. A man comes to the doctor and says: "Doctor, make that I have children!!!" "My great-grandfather didn't have children, my grandfather didn't have children, my father didn't have children...." "Wait a minute," the doctor says, "and *you* then? where do *you* come from?" "Me? --- I'm from Odessa".


----------



## Bettina

TxllxT said:


> Christmas greeting. Two atheists meeting each other: "I wish you a happy nothing!" "I wish you nothing too!"


And then an agnostic walks up and says, "I wish you a happy maybe!"


----------



## hpowders

Bettina said:


> And then an agnostic walks up and says, "I wish you a happy maybe!"


I'm agnostic and I don't talk that way, thank God!


----------



## hpowders

Seems that we could have a rather lively debate on the meaning of the word, "short".


----------



## KenOC

An American tourist in Tokyo became aware that he had contracted a serious social disease. After agonizing over its alarming symptoms, he got the name of an American doctor from his hotel and went to see him. The doctor gravely said after an examination, "I'm sorry. It's gone too far. There's nothing I can do but amputate." The horrified tourist returned to his hotel, where a sympathetic concierge saw distress and asked what was wrong. The tourist explained.

The concierge considered, then said, "You have Japan disease. You go see Japan doctor," and produced the address of one nearby. The anxious tourist hurried over and told the Japanese doctor what his American colleague had said. The Japanese doctor, after a superficial examination, laughed and said, "Amellican doctor always want opellate. Just leave alone thlee days, fall off by self."


(pardon the ethnic humor!)


----------



## ldiat

ain't this the truth:devil:


----------



## TxllxT

Anecdotes from Odessa. "Just imagine, I've read a book in which the positive hero was a Jew!" "What was it - the Gospel?"

"Abraham, Abraham, why do you call me "Nadia" (Natasha) during the night?" "Nadia, Nadia.... Ah, I must have been dreaming that I was Lenin!"


----------



## Barbebleu

What goes Clip-Clop, Clip-Clop, Clip-Clop, Bang, Bang, Clip-Clop, Clip-Clop?

An Amish drive-by shooting!


----------



## Dan Ante

From University Challenge:

Q. *Complete the saying 'Old soldiers never die'*
A. *They just smell that way.
*
On my life this is true.


----------



## Medley

I felt lonely driving home tonight, so I hugged the road


I brought a few spare ribs, in case I run out


This morning I asked my girlfriend if she wanted breakfast in bed, she told me "one pig in a blanket is enough".


This is my step-ladder...I never knew my real ladder. I heard great things about my real ladder, that he supported 3 people at one time.


----------



## KenOC

“Can I have some Irish sausages, please?” asks the Irishman, walking up to the counter.

The assistant looks at him and asks, “Are you Irish?”

“If I had asked you for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?” demands the Irishman indignantly. “Or if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask if I was German?” Warming to his theme, he goes on: “Or if I asked you for a Kosher hot dog, would you ask if I was Jewish? Or if I asked you for a taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? Would you? Would you?”

The assistant says, “Well, no.”

Suitably encouraged by the success of his logic, the Irishman steps it up a gear. “And if I asked you for frog's legs, would you ask if I was French? What about Danish bacon, would you ask if I was Danish?”

“Well no, I probably wouldn’t,” concedes the assistant.

So, now bursting with righteous indignation, the Irishman says, “Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I’m Irish just because I asked for Irish sausages?”

The assistant replies, “Because you’re in Ikea.”


----------



## ldiat

A parable to meditate on in our politically correct society
> 
> An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on
> the donkey, and the old man walked. As they went along they passed
> some people who remarked "What a shame, the old man is walking, the
> boy is riding."
> 
> The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they
> changed positions. Later they passed some people who
> remarked "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk".
> 
> So they decided they'd both walk. Soon they passed some more people
> who remarked "They're really stupid to walk when they have a decent
> donkey to ride."
> 
> So they both decided to ride the donkey. They passed some people who
> shamed them by saying "How awful to put such a load on a poor donkey."
> 
> The boy and the man figured they were probably right, so they
> decide to carry the donkey.
> 
> As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the donkey, the
> donkey fell into the river and drowned.
> 
> The moral of the story: If you try to please everyone, you might
> as well kiss your *** goodbye.


----------



## Bettina

ldiat said:


> A parable to meditate on in our politically correct society
> >
> > An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on
> > the donkey, and the old man walked. As they went along they passed
> > some people who remarked "What a shame, the old man is walking, the
> > boy is riding."
> >
> > The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they
> > changed positions. Later they passed some people who
> > remarked "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk".
> >
> > So they decided they'd both walk. Soon they passed some more people
> > who remarked "They're really stupid to walk when they have a decent
> > donkey to ride."
> >
> > So they both decided to ride the donkey. They passed some people who
> > shamed them by saying "How awful to put such a load on a poor donkey."
> >
> > The boy and the man figured they were probably right, so they
> > decide to carry the donkey.
> >
> > As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the donkey, the
> > donkey fell into the river and drowned.
> >
> > The moral of the story: If you try to please everyone, you might
> > as well kiss your *** goodbye.


Great joke...and very true indeed! My experiences on TC have certainly taught me that it is impossible to please everyone. :lol:


----------



## Pugg

Bettina said:


> Great joke...and very true indeed! My experiences on TC have certainly taught me that it is impossible to please everyone. :lol:


Never forgot my first question and the vile answer I received. Most rude answer, but bullying does not work on me, I thrive on it.


----------



## KenOC

Lez strikes again.

A young street urchin from a poor part of town decides to try to make some money by washing cars. Thinking he'll make more money washing cars owned by the wealthy, he takes himself off to a better neighbourhood. 

Spotting a Rolls Royce in the driveway of one particular house he knocks on the front door and asks the owner if he'd like it cleaned for a few quid. The owner says yes.

As the young boy is cleaning it he can’t help noticing what a fantastic car it is, full of all the latest hi-tech gadgetry.

After finishing the job the owner pulls some money out of his pocket to pay the boy, and as he does so a couple of golf tees fall from his pocket to the ground. The boy hasn't seen a golf tee before and asks what they’re for. The car owner replies "They're for putting your balls on before you drive off'".

"Blimey" says the young boy. "Rolls Royce think of everything, don't they?"


----------



## Dan Ante

KenOC said:


> Lez strikes again.
> 
> A young street urchin from a poor part of town decides to try to make some money by washing cars. Thinking he'll make more money washing cars owned by the wealthy, he takes himself off to a better neighbourhood.
> 
> Spotting a Rolls Royce in the driveway of one particular house he knocks on the front door and asks the owner if he'd like it cleaned for a few quid. The owner says yes.
> 
> As the young boy is cleaning it he can't help noticing what a fantastic car it is, full of all the latest hi-tech gadgetry.
> 
> After finishing the job the owner pulls some money out of his pocket to pay the boy, and as he does so a couple of golf tees fall from his pocket to the ground. The boy hasn't seen a golf tee before and asks what they're for. The car owner replies "They're for putting your balls on before you drive off'".
> 
> "Blimey" says the young boy. "Rolls Royce think of everything, don't they?"


Did you make a collection of your childhood jokes :lol:


----------



## Dan Ante

Dan, Ken, Vaneyes and Fred were on the 8th green which was next to the road, Fred was lining up his put when a funeral went by, Fred straightened up took off his cap and stood still until it had passed. Ken said “ Fred I am impressed at your show of respect” to which Fred replied “Well we had been married for 35 years”


----------



## Ingélou

I once dated a tennis star. Love meant nothing to him. 

_(You may have had it already - if so, I apologise.)_


----------



## ldiat

A husband and wife were sitting on their porch one evening.
The man said: "I love you"
The wife said: "Is that you talking or the beer?"
The man thought a minute and said slowly "That's me talking to the beer."


----------



## ldiat

A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home."

The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.

The drunk's wife greets them at the door: "Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?"


----------



## ldiat

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. 

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. 

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.' 

'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. 

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. 
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. 

He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, 'Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?' 

'Yes, I do.' Said Keith.

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?' 

'Well, um, yes!,' Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.' 

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Keith's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?' 

'She just died and left me everything.'


(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?)


----------



## ldiat

After having dug to a depth of 100 feet last year, New York scientists found
traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that
their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 200 feet and shortly after, a story in the LA Times read: "California archaeologists' discovery of 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."

One week later, A local newspaper in Texas reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 300 feet in his pasture near Lubbock, TX, Bubba, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Texas had already gone wireless."


----------



## ldiat

Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?
All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary. 
--------------------------------------------------------------
Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine that is until it came to the prostrate exam!
Do you think I should change dentists?

-----------------
The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important. 

Ladies.....Feel Free to Quit Laughing Now!


----------



## Barbebleu

What person was cruel enough to put the letter 's' in the word lisp?


----------



## KenOC

Woman: Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes
Woman: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about three.
Woman: What do you pay per beer?
Man: Maybe $5.00 including the tip.
(This is where it gets scary!)
Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose
Woman: So a beer costs $5.00 and you have three beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year it would be about $5,400 correct?
Man: Correct!
Woman: If in one year you spend $5,400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
Man: If you say so, my love.
Woman: Do you know that if you did not drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink beer?
Woman: No.
Man: Then where’s your Ferrari?


----------



## EdwardBast

KenOC said:


> Another from Lez:
> 
> Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By coincidence both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest and tripped over the snake and fell down.
> 
> "Oh my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth and can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."
> 
> "That's OK," replied the snake. "Actually, I too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and figure out what you are so you'll know."
> 
> "That would be wonderful!" replied the bunny.
> 
> So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."
> 
> "Oh, thank you, thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."
> 
> So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be a team leader, a supervisor, or possibly someone in senior management."


I posted this one last year and, given that this is a music forum, you screwed up the punchline, which should read: Well, you're slimy and have no ears; You must be a conductor.


----------



## ldiat

He grasped me firmly but gently just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone. He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear. "Just relax." Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat. I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so experienced, so sure. When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my rib cage. And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply. Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and into my panties. Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking `no' for an answer. 

A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say .... 

"Okay, ma'am," said a voice. "All done." My eyes snapped open and he was standing in front of me, smiling, holding out my purse. 

"You can board your flight now."


----------



## ldiat

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the 
height of the first step of the bus. 

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't. 

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. 

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and 
again was unable to take the step. 

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. 

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, 'How dare you touch my body! 
I don't even know who you are!' 

The Texan smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, 
I kinda figured we was friends.'


----------



## EddieRUKiddingVarese

A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired. 

A will is a dead giveaway. 

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 

A backward poet writes inverse. 

In democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism it's your count that votes. 

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off. 

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. 

If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed. 

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress. 

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor. 

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. 

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. 

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. 

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. 

Australian Local Area Network: the LAN down under. 

He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key. 

Every calendar's days are numbered. 

A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine. 

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. 

He had a photographic memory which was never developed. 

A plateau is a high form of flattery. 

The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. 

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. 

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall. 

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine. 

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye. 

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis. 

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. 

Acupuncture is a jab well done. 

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat


----------



## senza sordino

EddieRUKiddingVarese said:


> A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.


I know this as:

The problem with money in politics is that it's tainted, there just taint enough.


----------



## Guest

EddieRUKiddingVarese said:


> A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.


A similar joke in this hilarious routine


----------



## ldiat

The past, present and future walked into a bar.The bartender looked up then said to all the customers "Hey, everybody , be careful.Things might get tense in here."


----------



## Guest

My ex still misses me, but her aim is getting better.


----------



## TxllxT

A Russian Orthodox Pope drove with his wife in a car. About 300 meter in front of a petrol station the car halted. It had run out of petrol. Because 300 meter was too much for pushing the car, the pope and his wife looked what they had. They had a chamber pot. With the filled chamber pot the pope returned to the car and started to fill it up. Passes by a rabbi. He says: "Never I've been able to agree with your opinions, but always I've been amazed how great your faith is!"


----------



## znapschatz

Every day, the ship's captain had a routine the first mate found puzzling. Each morning, before his daily duties, the captain would report to the bridge, open a drawer under the chart table, take a quick glance inside, close it and proceed about his shipboard duties. Intrigued, the first mate suppressed his urge to know what was in the drawer, but out of respect for his superior officer, refrained from sneaking a peek.

Years passed, and after a long voyage, the captain was assigned to another ship. As soon as he was gone, the first mate went to the bridge, opened the drawer and looked inside. There he found a filing card taped to the bottom, and on it was written, 
"Port=left, Starboard=right."


----------



## SixFootScowl

znapschatz said:


> Every day, the ship's captain had a routine the first mate found puzzling. Each morning, before his daily duties, the captain would report to the bridge, open a drawer under the chart table, take a quick glance inside, close it and proceed about his shipboard duties. Intrigued, the first mate suppressed his urge to know what was in the drawer, but out of respect for his superior officer, refrained from sneaking a peek.
> 
> Years passed, and after a long voyage, the captain was assigned to another ship. As soon as he was gone, the first mate went to the bridge, opened the drawer and looked inside. There he found a filing card taped to the bottom, and on it was written,
> "Port=left, Starboard=right."


This explains why I never aspired to be a ship's captain. I hadn't thought to tape the file card in a drawer, and feared that I might lose it mid-journey and be up the creek without a paddle. :lol:


----------



## EdwardBast

Harvey and Joan, a deaf couple, negotiated a system for signaling their desire after the lights are out. Harvey suggested: "If you want to make love, pull once. If you don't, pull three-hundred seventy two times."


----------



## KenOC

Two couples are out for a hunt. One guy says, "Have a care, you almost shot my wife!" The other replies, "So sorry old boy, do have a shot a mine."

(Political correctness alert)


----------



## ldiat

An elderly pastor was searching his closet for his tie before church one Sunday morning. In the back of the closet, he found a small box containing 3 eggs and 100 $1 bills. He called his wife into the closet to ask her about the box and its contents. Embarrassed, she admitted having hidden the box there for their entire 25 years of marriage. Disappointed and hurt, the pastor asked her, "WHY?" The wife replied that she hadn't wanted to hurt his feelings. He asked her how the box could have hurt his feelings.

She said that every time during their marriage that he had delivered a poor sermon, she had placed an egg in the box. The pastor felt that 3 poor sermons in 25 years was certainly nothing to feel bad about, so he asked her what the $100 was for. She replied, "Each time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them to the neighbors for $1."


----------



## mstar

What is your favorite kind of roll?
Piano roll.


----------



## geralmar

Customer: "This coffee tastes like mud."
Waitress: "It should-- it was ground just this morning."


----------



## EdwardBast

How do you know you are reading a post by a paid Russian internet troll rather than a homegrown Trump supporter?
Better grammar and vocabulary.

That was inspired by these lines from a Seinfeld episode:
"What's the difference between a sadist and a dentist?"
"______?"
"Better magazines."


----------



## ldiat

Three men are out in the woods.They encounter a wide, dangerously raging river that they have to cross.

The first man said "Lord, please give me the strength to be able to cross this river" Immediately, he is given muscles on his arms and legs that enable him to swim across in 2 hours.

The second man says " Lord, give me the strength and the tools to cross this river". Instantly, a hammer, nails and wood appear.The man builds a boat and crosses the river in an hour.

The third man says "Lord,give me the strength, tools and intellect to cross this river". Instantly, he turns into a woman,reaches for a map and finds there's a riverbend with a bridge and crosses the river in 10 minutes.


----------



## znapschatz

An American tourist on a busy Tel Aviv street suddenly stumbled and dropped his eyeglasses, bending the frame. He looked around to see if he could get them repaired, but didn't speak Hebrew or understand the alphabet. But then he spied a shop window with a display of eyeglasses, so he walked over and stepped inside, where he found a middle aged man seated in a chair and reading a book. 

"Pardon me, sir," he said, "but I need my glasses repaired. Can you do this for me?" 

The shopkeeper looked up from his book and replied, "I'm sorry, mister, but I don't repair glasses. I'm a mohel. I perform ritual circumcisions on Jewish infant boys." 

"If that's the case," asked the bewildered tourist, "why do you have an eyeglass display in your window?"

The man replied, "Well, what would you put in the window?"


----------



## ldiat

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time of night," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?" "No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?" "But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??" He hears a voice cry out, "Yeah please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing set."


----------



## KenOC

For the record: I posted a slightly risqué joke here a couple of days ago. It was funny, about a man and his sheep. Evidently a moderator, perhaps afraid his/her children would read it, removed it without notice. We are all poorer for that! Because...it was funny.

Well, I thought so anyway.


----------



## mmsbls

We have removed some posts due to sexual content. Please keep jokes short and *seemly*.



KenOC said:


> For the record: I posted a slightly risqué joke here a couple of days ago. It was funny, about a man and his sheep. Evidently a moderator, perhaps afraid his/her children would read it, removed it without notice. We are all poorer for that! Because...it was funny.



Both my wife and I thought that joke was quite funny, but just because a post is funny, informative, or incisive doesn't mean that we will keep it. All posts must obey the Terms of Service. We err on the side of conservative tastes for sexual content.


----------



## KenOC

Thank you, sir, for deleting my post. My shame is great for posting a joke that was so...*unseemly*. (But it _was _funny.) :lol:


----------



## Dr Johnson

I, too, would like to abase myself publicly for having posted a joke, the removal of which can only have been occasioned by its excessive length since it contained nothing offensive beyond the possible implication that babies arrive by means other than the bill of the stork.

In the light of this, I shall refrain from posting the anecdote of the missionary and the Large East Asian White Radish.


----------



## znapschatz

Dr Johnson said:


> I, too, would like to abase myself publicly for having posted a joke, the removal of which can only have been occasioned by its excessive length since it contained nothing offensive beyond the possible implication that babies arrive by means other than the bill of the stork.
> 
> In the light of this, I shall refrain from posting the anecdote of the missionary and the Large East Asian White Radish.


Oh, _that_ one. Well, some cultures consider it to have been the filthyist joke ever devised, corruptive of youth and impressionable matrons, punishable by unspeakable means (deletion) to those who dare tell it. Luckily, you have dodged a bullet. Sois sage, mon ami. :lol:


----------



## senza sordino

A man was caught peeing in the pool by a lifeguard. The man pleading his case says, "You can't tell me the pool is absolutely clean, lots of people pee in the pool. "

The lifeguard considers this for a moment and says, "well yes, perhaps some people have peed in the pool...............................but not from the high diving platform!"


----------



## Dan Ante

senza sordino said:


> A man was caught peeing in the pool by a lifeguard. The man pleading his case says, "You can't tell me the pool is absolutely clean, lots of people pee in the pool. "
> 
> The lifeguard considers this for a moment and says, "well yes, perhaps some people have peed in the pool...............................but not from the high diving platform!"


Delete Delete Delete Delete Delete Delete Delete Delete 
Delete Delete Delete Delete Delete Delete Delete Delete. 
You can't say peeing it is most offensive to some cultures.


----------



## Animal the Drummer

I had to stop playing darts with my pal. His head just wouldn't stick in the dartboard.


----------



## Gordontrek

Drop piano down mineshaft = A flat minor. 
Drop piano on military base = A flat major. 
Drop piano on military shower house = C major.


----------



## Barbebleu

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?


----------



## Barbebleu

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?


----------



## Barbebleu

I was sitting in my local cemetery one day when six guys passed me carrying a coffin. Half an hour later they passed me again, going the other way, still carrying the coffin. I thought to myself "These guys have completely lost the plot!"


----------



## Totenfeier

A man, on his seventieth birthday, answers his doorbell. 

On his porch is a voluptuous young lady wearing a raincoat. She opens the raincoat, revealing everything that one might reasonably expect.

She says, "Your friends sent me over to give you super sex for your birthday!"

The man thinks it over a minute, and replies,

"I'll take the soup."


----------



## TxllxT

In the Bavarian capital Munich there was a _Bierfest_. The biggest amount of beer was drunk by Oleg Ivanich from Tambov, 480 km SE of Moscow, who watched the event on television.


----------



## znapschatz

All the brothers at a particular monastery had taken an oath of silence, which was broken once a year by allowing one of them to say anything he wanted at a special dinner. One year, the one whose turn it was, stood up and said:

"I think the soup was too salty," then sat down.

Next year, the chosen one took to his feet and said:

"I thought last year's soup tasted fine," and sat down.

On the third year, a brother took his turn, saying:

"I'm leaving the order. I can't stand all this bickering."


----------



## Barbebleu

Man walks past the Olympic Village and sees a man carrying a long pole. Are you a pole vaulter he asks. No, the man replies. I'm German but how did you know my name is Walther?


----------



## Totenfeier

Why did the chicken cross the road?

An exercise in sheer futility - it was a Mobius road.


----------



## Barbebleu

"I adore Keats" says Hans.

"Ah," says his friend Wolfgang, " how vunderful to meet someone vot likes children!"


----------



## TwoFlutesOneTrumpet

A man goes to visit his doctor
MAN: Doctor, I can't stop singing Green Green Grass of Home.
DOCTOR: Sounds like "Tom Jones Syndrome"
MAN: Is it common? 
DOCTOR: Well...It's Not Unusual.﻿


----------



## SixFootScowl

Two cannibals are eating a circus clown. The one looks up and says to the other, "Does this meat taste funny to you?"


----------



## SixFootScowl

Some cannibals capture a missionary and one is ready to toss him into a pot of boiling water. The other ones says, "Wait, don't boil him. This one is a fryer."


----------



## Animal the Drummer

I like to play mind games with my wife. I bought her flowers yesterday and I hadn't even done anything wrong.


----------



## ldiat

Three old maids die and arrive in heaven at the same time. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, then one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, dark hair, and muscular.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word and walks away.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"


----------



## Bettina

Animal the Drummer said:


> I like to play mind games with my wife. I bought her flowers yesterday and I hadn't even done anything wrong.


Smart move. Now you get a free pass next time you do something wrong. It's like paying in advance! :lol:


----------



## KenOC

Three doctors at an international conference on health care, one Rwandan, one Nigerian, and one Congolese, are having a conversation:

"I am pretty sure the word is spelled WOOOM."

"No, no, no, I am certain there has to be an H in there somewhere, so the word is spelled WHOOOM."

"I am absolutely sure there has to be a B in the spelling as well, so it must be spelled WHUUMB"

An English nurse, overhearing the conversation, comes over, and in a kindly and patronizing tone interrupts and says "Gentlemen, to settle your argument, I feel obliged to tell you the correct spelling is W-O-M-B, and it's pronounced with a silent B!" And she walks away.

One of the doctors looks incredulous and says to the others "Who on Earth was she? Do we know her?"

"I've never met her before in my life, but I seriously doubt she has even seen a hippopotamus, let alone heard one break wind under water."


----------



## Ingélou

Mr. Peterson, a tourist from Toronto, arrived in Barbados.
In an airport taxi cab, Peterson asked the driver, "Say, is this really a healthful place?"
"It sure is," the cabby replied. "When I arrived here I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the strength to walk across a room, and I had to be lifted out of bed."
"That's wonderful!" said the tourist, "How long have you been here?"
"I was born here."


----------



## ldiat

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. 
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home. 

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?' The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.' 

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?' 'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. 

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.. 

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.... How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?' 

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?' 

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.


----------



## Ingélou

Two cats were having a swimming race across the English Channel to France. The English cat was called "One two three" and the French cat was called "Un deux trois".
Q. Which cat won? 
A. One two three cat won because the Un deux trois cat sank!


----------



## Ingélou

A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.

The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.
"Yes," the Labrador replies.

After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story."

The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS.

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.

I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years.
But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. 

I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."

The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.

"Ten quid," the owner says.
"£10!!? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"

"Because he's a lying *******. He's never been out of the garden!!.


----------



## TwoFlutesOneTrumpet

Why did MC Hammer get invited to perform in Mahler's 6th? Because it was hammer time.


----------



## ldiat

A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."


----------



## ldiat

A lady had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. "My Goodness!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?" "Why, yes, officer, I'm just fine" the lady chirped. "Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. "Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the lady began. "I was driving along this road when I started to doze off. When I woke up this TREE from out of nowhere pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was...." "Uh, ma'am, 'the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth on your rear view mirror."


----------



## SixFootScowl

ldiat said:


> A lady had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. "My Goodness!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?" "Why, yes, officer, I'm just fine" the lady chirped. "Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. "Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the lady began. "I was driving along this road when I started to doze off. When I woke up this TREE from out of nowhere pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was...." "Uh, ma'am, 'the officer said, cutting her off, *"There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth on your rear view mirror."*


She must be blonde.


----------



## KenOC

A guy walks in to a quiet bar carrying three ducks, one in each hand and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar, has a few drinks, and chats with the barman. The bartender is experienced and has learned not to ask people about the animals that people bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks. He and the guy chat for about 30 minutes before the guy has to go to the toilet.

Now, the bartender is alone with the ducks. After an awkward silence, he decides to try to make conversation. 

"What's your name?" he says to one of the ducks.
"Huey," answers the first duck.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day."
"Oh, that's nice," says the bartender. Then he says to the second duck, "And what's your name?"
"Dewey," comes the answer.
"So how's your day been, Dewey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If I had the chance, I would do it all again."
The bartender turns to the third duck and says, "So, you must be Louie."
"No," growls the third duck, "My name is Puddles. And don't ask about my day."


----------



## geralmar

Not really jokes; but I still remember these gems from the movie tie-in book for Show Girl in Hollywood (1930):

Imbecilic:

F U N E M?
S V F M
F U N E X?
S V F X
O I C, U F M N X

Then this cringeworthy cliché awaiting the right politician or egomaniac:

"The pigeons play in the streets while the eagle soars alone".


----------



## SixFootScowl

What is the best time to go to the dentist?

2:30

.
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.
.
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.
.
.
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.
Get it? 2:30 (tooth hurty). :lol:


----------



## hpowders

If a Bach English Suite was to appear on a Montreal concert programme, would it be listed as a Bach French Suite?


----------



## ldiat

A turkey was chatting with a bull.
‘I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree’ sighed the turkey, ‘but I haven’t got the energy.’
‘Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?’ replied the bull. ‘They’re packed with nutrients.’
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull ***** might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there..


----------



## ldiat

When the usher noticed a man stretched across three seats in the movie theater, he walked over and whispered "Sorry sir, but you are allowed only one seat." The man moaned but didn't budge. "Sir," the usher said more loudly, "if you don't move, I'll have to call the manager." The man moaned again but stayed where he was. The usher left and returned with the manager, who, after several attempts at dislodging the fellow, called the police. The cop looked at the reclining man and said, "All right, what's your name, joker?" "Joe", he mumbled. "And where are you from, Joe?" Joe responds painfully, "The balcony!"


----------



## Animal the Drummer

Specially for St.Patrick's Day: what do Irish vegetarians eat? Leprequorn.


----------



## TwoFlutesOneTrumpet

I broke my wrist and I asked the nurse if I'd be able to play the piano. When she said yes, I said "Great. I couldn't play before!".


----------



## TwoFlutesOneTrumpet

Now when the president is in danger, does the secret service yell "Donald, duck!"?


----------



## Belowpar

A young vocalist has landed an audition for an important gig at a local club. She hires a pianist to accompany her. At the audition she starts off with a couple of jazz standards, and the club owner seems to like them. Then the club-owner asks, "Can you sing 'When Sunny Gets Blue'? It's one of my favourites". She smiles and nods, but turns to the piano player and whispers "I'm not sure I know that one all the way through". He whispers back: "Don't worry about it, I know it. If you get stuck, just look over and I'll prompt you". So the vocalist starts singing: "When Sunny gets blue / Her eyes get gray and cloudy..." but pretty soon she senses she's about to get stuck. Trying to look casual, she turns for help towards the pianist -- who leans-in eagerly and whispers "B Flat minor 9th".

Well it seems the right site to post it on!


----------



## Barbebleu

I was going to wear my camouflage jacket this morning but I couldn't find it!


----------



## KenOC

Two elderly gentlemen are seated on a bench in the park. One notices that the other looks sad. He says, “Excuse me but you look troubled.” The other man nods his head.

The first oldster says “Is it a family problem?” The other replies, “Oh no, I’m married, my wife is 25 years old, and she's hot and all over me.”

The first oldster says “Why that’s remarkable! So what’s the problem?”

The other replies “I can’t remember where I live.”


----------



## Totenfeier

An ancient Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says, "I'd like five beers, please."


----------



## Totenfeier

An ancient Roman walks into a bar and orders a martinus.

The bartender says, "You mean martini?"

The ancient Roman says, "No, just the one, thanks."


----------



## Bettina

A music theorist walks into a bar and orders a Phrygian tonic.

The bartender mishears him and says, "I can't give you a free gin and tonic."


----------



## Pugg

I have to buy a new vacuum cleaner, the old one gartering a lot dust .


----------



## TwoFlutesOneTrumpet

Don't spell part backwards. It's a trap!


----------



## Dan Ante

Be very careful saying Duck Fat.


----------



## KenOC

I recently decided to try a new restaurant in town. It was quite busy and I sat at the only available table. As I sat down, I knocked the spoon off the table with my elbow. The waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon and set it on the table.

I was impressed. "Do all the waiters carry spoons in their pockets?" I asked.

He replied, "Yes, sir. Ever since we had that efficiency expert. He determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. So by carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."

I enjoyed my meal. As I was paying the waiter, I commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?"

He replied, "Yes, sir, we all do. Seems that the same efficiency expert determined that we spend too much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my willy. When I need to go, I simply pull the string to pull out my willy, go, and return to work. Having never touched myself, there is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time."

“Hang on a minute," I said. "How do you get your willy back in your pants?"

The waiter replied, "Well, sir, I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."


----------



## Jacred

Why did the hipster chemist get burnt? Because he touched the beaker before it was cool.


----------



## SixFootScowl

On a beautiful Sunday afternoon in the midst of the French Revolution the revolting citizens led a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine. They ask the priest if he wants to face up or down when he meets his fate. The priest says he would like to face up so he will be looking towards heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the priest.

The drunkard comes to the guillotine next. He also decides to die face up, hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. Again, the authorities take this as a sign of divine intervention, and they release the drunkard as well.

Next is the engineer. He, too, decides to die facing up. As they slowly raise the blade of the guillotine, the engineer suddenly says, "Hey, I see what your problem is ..."


----------



## Dan Ante

Here lies the body of Signe writer Joe
He fell through the hole in a capital O
It could have been worse
It could have been better
But he went as he came 
through a hole 
in a letter.


----------



## Gordontrek

The comedic genius of Steven Wright never fails to amuse me. Some of his best:
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier. So i put them in the same room and let them fight it out. 
I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. 
I got pulled over for running a stop sign. The cop said "You know there was a stop sign, right?" I replied, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it. 
I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. 
My neighbor's dog is crazy. One time when my neighbor wasn't home I snuck over there and put contact lenses on the dog that had pictures of cats on them, and he went ballistic. Then I took one out and he ran in circles. 
I once played poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. 
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. 
It's not fair that only one company can make the game Monopoly. 
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you. 
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time. 
All who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand. 
I bought a CD with 4'33 on it. I set that track on repeat in my home stereo and turned the volume all the way up. A few minutes later my neighbor knocks on the door, complaining about the noise. He's a mime, by the way. (ok I modified that one a bit.)
One night I drove to the 24 hour pharmacy, and found the owner of the place locking up. I said, "What are you doing? The sign says you're open 24 hours." He replied "Yes, but not in a row!"
I was speeding and got pulled over. The cop said, "Don't you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" I replied "Yes, but I wasn't going to be out that long."
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. 
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. 
I put instant coffee in the microwave and almost went back in time. 
I bought some powdered water, but I have no idea what to add to it. 
I was laying in bed one night, looking up at the stars, thinking, "Where's my roof?"
I got thrown out of a movie theater for bringing my own food. I told them their concession prices were outrageous, and besides, I haven't had a barbecue in a long time. 
If cats always land on their feet and toast always lands butter-side down, what happens if you strap toast to the back of a cat and drop it?
In college someone broke into my dorm, stole everything, and replaced it with exact replicas. My roommate came in, and I told him, "Look at this, this is crazy!" He said, "Do I know you?"


----------



## Totenfeier

With Steven Wright, I automatically scroll down and hit "Like" even before reading.


----------



## Gordontrek

Totenfeier said:


> With Steven Wright, I automatically scroll down and hit "Like" even before reading.


Not sure whether to thank you or Steven Wright.


----------



## Totenfeier

Gordontrek said:


> Not sure whether to thank you or Steven Wright.


No, no, no - thank _you_ for posting his work!


----------



## Gordontrek

Totenfeier said:


> No, no, no - thank _you_ for posting his work!


You're welcome then!


----------



## ldiat

What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?

Make me one with everything.


----------



## ldiat

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom on the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said, 'That's once.' We proceeded a little further and the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.' Hadn't gone a half- mile when the mule stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her pocket and shot the mule dead. I started to yell at her for her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said 'That's once."


----------



## Totenfeier

ldiat said:


> A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom on the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said, 'That's once.' We proceeded a little further and the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.' Hadn't gone a half- mile when the mule stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her pocket and shot the mule dead. I started to yell at her for her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said 'That's once."


I heard a version of that one way way way way way back, with the genders reversed - when it was still conceivable to conceive of such a thing. Joke takes on a whole different tone, doesn't it?


----------



## hpowders

Because of rabid anti-semitism in Germany, Herr Goldberg has changed his name. Henceforth, the Bach work to which Mr. Goldberg contributed the theme, will be known as the Johnson Variations.


----------



## Barbebleu

For our british readers!

On a lighter note, remember Matthew Kelly and Stars in their Eyes? Well on to the stage hobbles this teenager who was having great difficulty walking. Matthew asks him his story, ; Well Matthew my name is Simon I was at my Uncles farm and we were riding the tractor on the side of a hill when the tractor tippled over. Well my Uncle was killed instantly because the tractor cut him in half. I was more fortunate it only took my legs off.  We were both rushed to the hospital where my uncle was declared dead on arrival. An eminent surgeon who was visiting the hospital declared that because of a DNA match with my uncle he could transplant his legs onto my body. After 20 hours of intense surgery the operation was a resounding success. Over the next 12 weeks they taught me how to walk again and as you can see Matthew here I am as living proof, 50% me 50% my uncle. The crowd cheered and clapped but were finally silenced by Mr. Kelly who said Okay Simon that was a wonderful story and now perhaps you would like to tell the audience who you will be tonight. Certainly Matthew, tonight I will be, Simon and Half Uncle


----------



## KenOC

Q: What's covered in cellophane and cries "The Bells! The Bells!”?

A: The Lunchpack of Notre Dame.


----------



## KenOC

Men _do _remember anniversaries…

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs to look for him. She found him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.

He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watched as he wiped a tear from his eye and took a sip of his coffee. 'What's the matter, dear?' she whispered as she stepped into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'

The husband looked up from his coffee, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?' he asked solemnly.

The wife was touched to tears thinking that her husband was so caring and sensitive. 'Yes I do,' she replied.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?'

'Yes, I remember,' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?" '

'I remember that too,' she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, 'I would have been released today.'


----------



## Totenfeier

KenOC said:


> Men _do _remember anniversaries…
> 
> A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs to look for him. She found him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.
> 
> He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
> 
> She watched as he wiped a tear from his eye and took a sip of his coffee. 'What's the matter, dear?' she whispered as she stepped into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'
> 
> The husband looked up from his coffee, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?' he asked solemnly.
> 
> The wife was touched to tears thinking that her husband was so caring and sensitive. 'Yes I do,' she replied.
> 
> The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?'
> 
> 'Yes, I remember,' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
> 
> The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?" '
> 
> 'I remember that too,' she replied softly.
> 
> He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, 'I would have been released today.'


(cough)Harrumph! I happen to be a happily married man, sir!(cough)


----------



## ldiat

At my friend's church they are training a new priest. The new priest was so nervous at his first mass that he could hardly speak. Before his second week at the pulpit, he asked the Monsignor how he could relax. The Monsignor said "Next week it may help if you put some vodka in the water 
pitcher. After that everything should go smoothly".

The next Sunday the new priest put the suggestion into practice and was able to talk up a storm and did just great. Upon returning to the rectory, however, he found a note from the Monsignor.

1. Next time, sip rather than gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. David slew Goliath, he did not kick his ***.
5. We do not refer to Our Savior Jesus Christ and his Apostles as "J.C. and the Boys."
6. Next week there is a taffy pulling contest at St. Peters, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
7. We do not refer to the cross as "The Big T."
8. The Father, The Son and The Holy Ghost are not referred to as "Big Daddy, Junior and the Spook."
9. The recommended Grace before meals is not "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub."
10. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
11. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ***.
12. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say "Eat me."
__________________


----------



## Bettina

ldiat said:


> At my friend's church they are training a new priest. The new priest was so nervous at his first mass that he could hardly speak. Before his second week at the pulpit, he asked the Monsignor how he could relax. The Monsignor said "Next week it may help if you put some vodka in the water
> pitcher. After that everything should go smoothly".
> 
> The next Sunday the new priest put the suggestion into practice and was able to talk up a storm and did just great. Upon returning to the rectory, however, he found a note from the Monsignor.
> 
> 1. Next time, sip rather than gulp.
> 2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
> 3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
> 4. David slew Goliath, he did not kick his ***.
> 5. We do not refer to Our Savior Jesus Christ and his Apostles as "J.C. and the Boys."
> 6. Next week there is a taffy pulling contest at St. Peters, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
> 7. We do not refer to the cross as "The Big T."
> 8. The Father, The Son and The Holy Ghost are not referred to as "Big Daddy, Junior and the Spook."
> 9. The recommended Grace before meals is not "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub."
> 10. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
> 11. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ***.
> 12. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say "Eat me."
> __________________


13. The word is mass, not mess. Please don't ever refer to Bach's Mess in B Minor!


----------



## Ingélou

A teacher asks her class what their favourite letter is.

A student puts up his hand and says 'G'.

The teacher walks over to him and says, "Why is that, Angus?"

(From another forum; I admit, in my case it took a while for the penny to drop & it isn't all that 'seemly'!)


----------



## Pat Fairlea

Are bolero jackets short because they un-Ravel at the hem?


----------



## Animal the Drummer

I'm going out with a seatbelt. We just clicked.


----------



## Ingélou

A fifteen-year-old came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream, “Where did you get that car?”

He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”

“With what money!?” demanded his parents. “We know what a Porsche costs.”

“Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”

The parents began to yell even louder. “Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars!?” they asked.

“It was the lady up the street,” said the boy. “Don’t know her name — they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.”

“Oh my goodness!” moaned the mother, “she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what’s going on.”

So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she has sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

“Well,” she said, “this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn’t intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did.”


----------



## Ingélou

From the same source (a forum for dementia-sufferers & carers):

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client: 'Peter, I have some good news, and I have some bad news.'

The art collector replied, 'I've had an awful day. Give me the good news first.'

The lawyer said, 'Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she just invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15 million to $20 million, and I think she could be right.'

Peter replied enthusiastically, 'Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?'

The lawyer replied, 'The pictures are of you and your secretary.'


----------



## Jacred

Ingélou said:


> A fifteen-year-old came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that car?"
> 
> He calmly told them, "I bought it today."
> 
> "With what money!?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."
> 
> "Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."
> 
> The parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars!?" they asked.
> 
> "It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "Don't know her name - they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."
> 
> "Oh my goodness!" moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."
> 
> So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she has sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
> 
> "Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."


Reminds me of this joke:

A blonde is trying to make some pocket money so she knocks on the door of someone in her neighbourhood and asks if there's any job she can take on. The man replies, "Sure, you can paint the back porch for me. I'll give you fifteen bucks."

The blonde leaves to buy paint. While she's away, the man's wife says to him, "Aww, honey, that's too much work. Our porch wraps all the way around the house."

The blonde returns and gets to work. To the couple's surprise, she finishes in fifteen minutes with a lot of paint to spare. The man hands her the money and asks curiously, "How did you get it done so fast?"

The blonde shrugs and replies, "It wasn't that much work." Then she adds, "By the way, that's a Ferrari, not a Porsche."


----------



## Jos

Ingélou said:


> A teacher asks her class what their favourite letter is.
> 
> A student puts up his hand and says 'G'.
> 
> The teacher walks over to him and says, "Why is that, Angus?"
> 
> (From another forum; I admit, in my case it took a while for the penny to drop & it isn't all that 'seemly'!)


My penny dropped a bit slow too, but funny indeed !:lol:


----------



## SixFootScowl

> Originally Posted by Ingélou View Post
> A teacher asks her class what their favourite letter is.
> 
> A student puts up his hand and says 'G'.
> 
> The teacher walks over to him and says, "Why is that, Angus?"
> 
> (From another forum; I admit, in my case it took a while for the penny to drop & it isn't all that 'seemly'!)





Jos said:


> My penny dropped a bit slow too, but funny indeed !:lol:


Well, I never did get it. Maybe it has to do with something from pop culture and since I haven't watched television in 28 years, I don't get it?


----------



## Jos

Nothing to do with pop culture, Florestan. The boy would be the laughing stock without the letter G.
(Spelling, name, ah you've got it now . My lovely teacher of Cambridge CEP would be proud, me explaining jokes to native speakers )


----------



## SixFootScowl

Jos said:


> Nothing to do with pop culture, Florestan. The boy would be the laughing stock without the letter G.
> (Spelling, name, ah you've got it now . My lovely teacher of Cambridge CEP would be proud, me explaining jokes to native speakers )


_______







_______________


----------



## Guest

Someone asked me what I knew about the back end of a giraffe so I told him a tall tale.


----------



## Ingélou

_Another from the man on the Dementia Chat Forum._ 

Nine important facts to remember as we grow older:

1. Death is the number 1 killer in the world.
2. Life is sexually transmitted.
3. Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
4. Men have 2 motivations; hunger and hanky panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.
5. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
6. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.
7. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
8. In the 60s, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
9. .. Please share this wisdom with others while I go to the bathroom


----------



## Ingélou

The foreman on a large work site noticed a new labourer one day and barked at him "What's your name?"

"John," the new bloke replied.

The Foreman scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of wishy-washy work site you were on before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It's weak and wastes time. I call my employees by their last name only -Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. If I want a job done, I yell, Baker, get this or Jones, do that! Now that we have that straight, what's your last name?"

The new bloke sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling."

The foreman paused briefly for a couple of seconds, then said quietly, "OK John.'


----------



## Totenfeier

I fear this one may verge onto unseemly, so if you are of unsound constitution and quick to take offense, please stop reading NOW and move on to the next, more congenial post.

All gone?

Good.

A young indigenous Native American child rushes into his family's wigwam and asks his father, "Father? How do Native American children get their names?"

His father replies, "My son, as you well know, there are many nations and tribes among us with differing customs, but in our tribe, a child is named for what was occurring at the moment that child was conceived. For example, in the night your elder brother was conceived, there was a tremendous thunderstorm; hence, he is called Thunder in the Sky. In the same way, as you elder sister was conceived, your mother and I saw a lovely doe emerge from the forest, and that is why she is named Doe in the Forest. Does that make the naming of our children more clear to you?"

His son says, "Oh, yes it does, my father, I thank you for your wisdom and compassion in teaching me."

His father replies, "I am glad to hear it, my son. Now, run along and play,... 












...Stupid Cheap ******* Condom."


----------



## KenOC

James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers...."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I _am _wearing knickers!"

Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."


----------



## Animal the Drummer

What was Beethoven's favourite fruit?

BananaNAAAAA.


----------



## Jacred

Is it a good thing to say that a wedding went off without a hitch?


----------



## Totenfeier

Jacred said:


> Is it a good thing to say that a wedding went off without a hitch?


Which reminds me: if you _try_ to fail, and _succeed_, which have you done?


----------



## KenOC

Totenfeier said:


> Which reminds me: if you _try_ to fail, and _succeed_, which have you done?


See Mel Brooks's _The Producers_.


----------



## Totenfeier

KenOC said:


> See Mel Brooks's _The Producers_.


Well played, sir! :tiphat:


----------



## TxllxT

Better put your money into vodka than into the bank: who else is giving you 40%?


----------



## Jacred

There are 10 types of people in this world: those who understand binary and those who don't.


----------



## Totenfeier

TxllxT said:


> Better put your money into vodka than into the bank: who else is giving you 40%?


Yes; always have some liquid assets in your portfolio!


----------



## Miggypiggy

An Iraqi father gave a bag to his daughter for her birthday. She said, "Thanks for the Baghdad."


----------



## ldiat

A bachelor who for companionship, had a beloved cat for over 10 years, plans a vacation to Paris and entrusts the cat with his brother. As soon as he arrives in Paris he calls his brother and asks how his cat is doing without him. "Oh, the cat? He's dead." said the brother bluntly. "I can't believe this!" yells the bachelor. "How could you tell me he's dead like that?" "How else was I supposed to tell you?" the brother asked. "Well you could have broke it to me gently." the brother went on. "When I called today you could have said he is up on the roof but the fire department is getting him down. Then tomorrow when I called you could have said that he fell while they were trying to rescue him and broke his back but, don't worry, the best vet in town was doing the surgery to repair it. And then when I called the third day you could have said they did all they could do but they couldn't save him." The brother thought about this and says, "That does sound better than the way I said it." "Never mind," says the bachelor exasperated, "How's mother?" The brother says "She's on the roof but the fire department is getting her down."


----------



## KenOC

An oldie: Mr. Opporknockity is a superb piano tuner. He has spent more than 30 years honing his craft and has made quite a reputation for himself.

He gets a call from a guy who had just bought a new grand piano and asks Mr. Opporknockity to come and tune it. Mr. Opporknockity spends more than three hours tuning the grand piano to perfection, collects his fee and leaves.

A couple of days later, the customer calls Mr. Opporknockity and informs him that the piano is not in tune. The customer demands Mr. Opporknockity return and re-tune the piano.

To which Mr. Opporknockity replies, "My friend, you have missed out. Opporknockity only tunes once."


----------



## SixFootScowl

A plane is on its way to Sweden when a blonde woman in economy class gets up and moves into an open seat in the first class section.

The flight attendant watches her do this, and politely informs the woman that she must sit in economy class because that's the type of ticket she paid for.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Sweden and I'm staying right here."

After repeated attempts and no success at convincing the woman to move, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-pilot that there's a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who refuses to go back to her proper seat. The co-pilot goes back to the woman and explains why she needs to move, but once again the woman replies by saying, "I'm blonde, I'm beatiful, I'm going to Sweden and I'm staying right here."

The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests that perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the police and have the woman arrested when they land. The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He goes back to the woman and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry," then quickly moves back to her seat in economy class.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to get her to move back to economy without causing any fuss.

"I told her first class isn't going to Sweden."


----------



## geralmar

Not exactly a joke; but I saw this in a commercial for a short lived TV sitcom about doctors: 

SCENE: An intern is giving a patient a physical examination. There is the sound of flatulence.

Intern: "Nothing to be embarrassed about, sir. It's a common occurrence during exams."
Patient: "That was YOU."


----------



## Animal the Drummer

"What's wrong with your car?"
"Piston broke."
"Yeah, but what's wrong with your car?"


----------



## SixFootScowl

Why should you always wear glasses to math class?

They help with da-vision. :lol:



What happened to the plant that was in the Math classroom?

It grew square roots! :lol:


----------



## KenOC

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.'

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.'

'Rubbish,' replied the cocky young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big green head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop his ***** over his shoulder twice and then place it in his ear.’


----------



## laurie

:lol::lol::lol:


----------



## Guest

A Canadian walks into a bar and sees some footwear on a stool, picks it up and asks the bartender, "What's this a boot?"


----------



## SixFootScowl

Why did Marie Antoinette buy multiple bathtubs?

Because the people were revolting! 


How often do students attend chemistry class?

Periodically


----------



## KenOC

A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME &
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day, she heard the doorbell. When she opened the door, much to her dismay she saw a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.

The old woman said, “You’re not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs!"

The old man smiled, “Therefore, I cannot run around on you!”

She snorted. “You don’t have any arms either!”

Again, the old man smiled, “Therefore, I can never beat you!”

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, “Are you still good in bed???”

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, “Rang the doorbell, didn’t I…”


----------



## KenOC

A man is stranded in the desert for days, crawling on his hands and knees. He comes upon another man and begs him for water. The man says he has no water, but can offer him a necktie. The man screams "I am dying of thirst and all you can do is offer me a tie?!!!"

The stranded man crawls away angrily. He struggles for another 12 hours and finally reaches a restaurant. He drags himself up to the door and asks "Can I bother you for a glass of water?" The host replies, "Certainly, sir, but our dress code requires you to have a tie."


----------



## Animal the Drummer

I recently did that thing that tennis players do, throw the ball into the crowd when you win.

Apparently it shouldn't be done in ten-pin bowling though.


----------



## Tallisman

Abraham Lincoln said:


> Why did J. S. Bach have so many children?
> 
> He had no stops on his organ.


That shouldn't count. It's too good.


----------



## KenOC

A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting," thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person." 

Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him for the flight. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff. 

Shortly after takeoff, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. "This is fantastic," thought the gentleman. "I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance." 

Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'unt'?" 

Only one word leapt to mind ... "My goodness," thought the gentleman, "I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another word." The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it hit him. Turning to the Pope, the gentleman said, "I think the word you're looking for is 'aunt'." 

"Oooooh, of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"


----------



## Bettina

Abraham Lincoln said:


> Why did J. S. Bach have so many children?
> 
> He had no stops on his organ.


Also, he didn't like doing solo organ work.


----------



## Totenfeier

Bettina said:


> Also, he didn't like doing solo organ work.


Yes; fingering your organ all day, every day can get quite tiresome - or so I've heard.


----------



## TxllxT

Rabinovich holds his newborn son and says: Moshe, why are you crying? You have to understand: there is no way back...


----------



## Jacred

A young mathematician decides to apply for a firefighting position. At the job interview, the interviewer asks, "What would you do if you were walking down the street and saw a Dumpster on fire?"

The mathematician replies, "Why, I would call up a squad, get a hose hooked to the nearest fire hydrant and put the fire out."

The interviewer proceeds, "And if you were walking down the street and the Dumpster was not on fire, what would you do?"

Without hesitation, the mathematician says, "I'd light it on fire."

"That's terrible!" The interviewer exclaims. "Why would you do that?"

"Because," The mathematician sighs, "Then I would be in the same situation as before, thus the problem is reduced to one already solved!"


----------



## SixFootScowl

This probably doesn't quite fit the OP's request, but seems a good place to post them.

Dust covered file cabinet in the back of an abandoned warehouse in Pittsburgh’s Strip District,
​ ​the REAL Murphy’s Laws were discovered …
Here are Murphy’s Truths …
1. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
3. A day without sunshine is like, well, night!
4. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
5. When the chips are down the buffalo is empty.
6. Seen it all, done it all. Can't remember most of it.
7. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
8. She's always late. In fact, her ancestors arrived on the "Juneflower."
9. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.
10. Despite the cost of living, it still remains popular.
11. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
12. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
13. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
14. You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
15. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
16. The things that come to those that wait, are probably things left by those who got there first.
17. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking.
18. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture.
19. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
20. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
21. You start out with nothing, and many still have most of it.
And finally, Murphy’s 22nd Law of Truth:
22. When you go to court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.


----------



## Totenfeier

#5, 7, 10, 12, 15...:lol::lol:


----------



## ldiat

Florestan said:


> This probably doesn't quite fit the OP's request, but seems a good place to post them.
> 
> Dust covered file cabinet in the back of an abandoned warehouse in Pittsburgh's Strip District,
> the REAL Murphy's Laws were discovered …
> Here are Murphy's Truths …
> 1. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
> 2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
> 3. A day without sunshine is like, well, night!
> 4. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
> 5. When the chips are down the buffalo is empty.
> 6. Seen it all, done it all. Can't remember most of it.
> 7. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
> 8. She's always late. In fact, her ancestors arrived on the "Juneflower."
> 9. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.
> 10. Despite the cost of living, it still remains popular.
> 11. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
> 12. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
> 13. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
> 14. You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
> 15. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
> 16. The things that come to those that wait, are probably things left by those who got there first.
> 17. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking.
> 18. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture.
> 19. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
> 20. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
> 21. You start out with nothing, and many still have most of it.
> And finally, Murphy's 22nd Law of Truth:
> 22. When you go to court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.


you do know i am from PITTSBURGH!


----------



## SixFootScowl

ldiat said:


> you do know i am from PITTSBURGH!


Maybe you can explain why whoever put this list together referred to the Pittsburgh's Strip District.


----------



## EdwardBast

Florestan said:


> Maybe you can explain why whoever put this list together referred to the Pittsburgh's Strip District.


I'm going out on a limb here: Maybe because that's where they found it? Or maybe it is just a picturesque setting? The Strip District is a narrow strip of land by the docks and rail lines on the Allegheny River where all the produce and other freight arrives. If one wants really fresh veggies, fish, etc., one gets there early in the morning.


----------



## ldiat

Florestan said:


> Maybe you can explain why whoever put this list together referred to the Pittsburgh's Strip District.


the strip district is more like a "market-food-business area just next to the city. has many different shops, restaurants outside grill etc. its like a 48 block area on 3 streets. once, all the main truck and train deliveries were brought there. now, not so much. there is a famous restaurant called "Primanti bros" in the strip. it is know for opening late 8pm and open till am and serving sandwichs on itilian bread with cole slaw-ff right on the sandwich. was for the truck drivers years ago, steer with one hand eat with the other as they drive.nothing like a ham-egg-cheese w/ fries and slaw on the 'wich. beer also! OBTW YINZ means you all (pittsburghese)


----------



## ldiat

EdwardBast said:


> I'm going out on a limb here: Maybe because that's where they found it? Or maybe it is just a picturesque setting? The Strip District is a narrow strip of land by the docks and rail lines on the Allegheny River where all the produce and other freight arrives. If one wants really fresh veggies, fish, etc., one gets there early in the morning.


you from the burg?


----------



## EdwardBast

ldiat said:


> you from the burg?


Born there, my mom stills lives there. Grew up in Highland Park. Heard the lions roaring in the evening. You?


----------



## ldiat

EdwardBast said:


> Born there, my mom stills lives there. Grew up in Highland Park. Heard the lions roaring in the evening. You?


oh yes born and raised till last year lived in brentwood-moon- west view. for the last 25 years in west view. just 5 mins from both sports park and the new casino. worked over in penn hills- fox chapel-oakland


----------



## Marinera

Florestan said:


> 18. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture.


LOL for me this is what the second toes are for. They arrive faster to the furniture than shorter big toes. Perpetually black, turning black or healing. Just last month had both of them matched.


----------



## mtmailey

what does rap means?


----------



## Melinda

After many years of studying at a university, I’ve finally become a PhD… or Pizza Hut Deliveryman as people call it.


----------



## ldiat

An old guy in his Volvo is driving home from work when his wife rings him on his cell phone.

"Honey," she says in a worried voice, "please be careful. There was a bit on the news just now, some lunatic is driving the wrong way down the highway."

"Oh it's worse than that," he replies, "there are hundreds of them!"


----------



## ldiat

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?

A stick.


----------



## ldiat

What do you call Santa's helpers?

Subordinate Clauses.


----------



## SixFootScowl

What kind of fruit did Noah take on the ark?


He only took pairs.


----------



## Animal the Drummer

After exhaustive research I can exclusively reveal where the practice of placing a fairy on top of the Christmas tree comes from.

One particularly busy Christmas Eve, when Santa and those subordinate Clauses  were being overwhelmed by demand, he had to send a fairy out to fetch the office Christmas tree. As Santa and the Clauses toiled on, becoming more stressed with every hurriedly wrapped parcel, the door burst open and the fairy trailed in, dragging the tree behind her. She marched up to Santa and asked in a loud voice: "Hey, fatty, where do you want to stick this?".


----------



## Jacred

Two fat people were running a race. What's the difference between them?

One ran in short bursts and the other ran in burst shorts.


----------



## ldiat




----------



## ldiat

Apparently it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority so:

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, two Kiwis, an American, a German, a South African, a Cypriot, and Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Dane, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist, and an Ethiopian went to a nightclub.

The bouncer said, "I'm sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai."


----------



## Dan Ante

ldiat said:


> Apparently it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority so:
> 
> An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, two Kiwis, an American, a German, a South African, a Cypriot, and Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Dane, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist, and an Ethiopian went to a nightclub.
> 
> The bouncer said, "I'm sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai."


Now listen here mate what have you got against Kiwis?? any one of the above is worth two Kiwis????? my golly that is insulting and you should be banned from this forum.:devil:


----------



## ldiat

Dan Ante said:


> Now listen here mate what have you got against Kiwis?? any one of the above is worth two Kiwis????? my golly that is insulting and you should be banned from this forum.:devil:


sorry i was eating a milky way


----------



## Dan Ante

ldiat said:


> sorry i was eating a milky way


Thats not good enough you should pay compensation say 543.000.000. TC dollars


----------



## Pugg

Why was the brown sauce in front of the red one?
The red couldn't ketchup.


----------



## Barbebleu

KenOC said:


> A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting," thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person."
> 
> Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him for the flight. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff.
> 
> Shortly after takeoff, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. "This is fantastic," thought the gentleman. "I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance."
> 
> Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'unt'?"
> 
> Only one word leapt to mind ... "My goodness," thought the gentleman, "I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another word." The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it hit him. Turning to the Pope, the gentleman said, "I think the word you're looking for is 'aunt'."
> 
> "Oooooh, of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"


Brilliant!:lol:bbbbbbbbbbb


----------



## ldiat

Dan Ante said:


> Thats not good enough you should pay compensation say 543.000.000. TC dollars


isn't that the cost of a milky way?


----------



## SixFootScowl

A lawyer falls into the tailrace of a dam and is rolling around in the churning water going under and popping up repeatedly. He manages to yell, "Help! Save me!" A bystander says, I'll help you but it will cost you $10,000. The lawyer gasps for air and says, "How can you be so greedy at a time like this?" The bystander replies, "Oh, don't worry. I'll take it on consignment. If I fail to save you, you don't have to pay."


----------



## mtmailey

but no one attended the funeral


----------



## TxllxT




----------



## ldiat

How many computer programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

Programmers don't change light bulbs. That's a hardware problem.


----------



## Vaneyes

*Q. What kind of bagel can fly?

A. A plain bagel.*


----------



## Bettina

How many composers does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but he's accompanied by a mob of music critics. They sit there and watch him, microanalyzing whether he's holding the lightbulb correctly, standing in the right place while he changes it, using the right size bulb, and so forth.


----------



## Vaneyes

ldiat said:


> How many computer programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
> 
> Programmers don't change light bulbs. That's a hardware problem.


*Q. How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Just one, but the light bulb has to really want to change. *


----------



## Dan Ante

ldiat said:


> isn't that the cost of a milky way?


OK you win..........


----------



## Jacred

What do you call Watson without Sherlock? Holmeless.


----------



## KenOC

Another from Lez:

A blonde phones her boyfriend and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get started.”

Her boyfriend asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”

The blonde says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster.”

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle pieces spread all over the table. 

He studies the pieces for a moment, looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.”

He takes her hand. “Second, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then…” he says with a deep sigh…
> 
>
> 
(scroll down)
> 
> 
> 
“Let’s put all the cornflakes back in the box.”


----------



## Jacred

A ship carrying red paint collided with another ship carrying blue paint. Both crews were marooned.


----------



## JeffD

Here is one:


----------



## Totenfeier

Ken OC, yours put me in mind of this one:

A blonde is excitedly texting everybody she knows: "Whoo-hoo! I just finished putting a jigsaw puzzle together, and it only took me two days! Can you believe it! I'm going to be in the Guinness Book! Yeah!"

One of her friends texted back: "Y R U so excited? Doesn't sound like a big deal."

She responded, "I smashed the record! It says 3 to 6 years on the box!"


----------



## ldiat

Harry was finally a groom and was very excited about his upcoming marriage. He was on his way out of the office when his boss came over to him with an outstretched hand, "congratulations Harry, I just wanted to tell you I've been married for twenty-two years, and I am sure that you will always remember this day with the fondest of memories, as the happiest day of your life."

"But sir", said Harry, "a little bit confused, I'm not getting married until tomorrow!" "Yeah, I know", said his boss.


----------



## ldiat

A blonde fills her car up at an open all night service station.The next day she returned with her car towed and furiously told the owner "I want my money back.I drove my car for 8 straight hours and I ran out of gas"

The owner says "Well, what did you expect , if you drive that many hours, your tank will go empty"

The blonde points to the filling station's entrance and says "Your sign says 24 hour gas!"


----------



## Jacred

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you...


----------



## KenOC

From Lez Lee: Zen Sarcasm.
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tyre.
3. It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else. 
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
8. Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11. If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windscreen.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

MacDoom adds:
Give a man fire, and he will be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.


----------



## Totenfeier

I have loved, and faithfully upheld, many of these in my life.


----------



## Dan Ante

Totenfeier said:


> I have loved, and faithfully upheld, many of these in my life.


Thats great but what are "these" ??


----------



## SixFootScowl

Dan Ante said:


> Thats great but what are "these" ??


Presumably the wise statements of the previous post.


----------



## Totenfeier

Florestan said:


> Presumably the wise statements of the previous post.


...which at one time I was directly under. QED.


----------



## ldiat

A driver was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. As the officer was writing the ticket, he noticed several machetes in the car. "What are those for?" he asked suspiciously. "I'm a juggler," the man replied. "I use those in my act." "Well, show me," the officer demanded, still a little unsure. So he got out the machetes and started juggling them, first three, then more, finally seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show and amazing the officer. Just then another car passed by. The driver did a double take, and said, "That's it Maude. I've got to give up the drink! Just look at the sobriety test they're giving now!!"


----------



## StraussCalman

"When you're dead, you don't know you're dead; it's only difficult for others. It's the same when you're stupid."
One of tons from https://twitter.com/allowe
BTW Al Lowe is a composer.


----------



## ldiat

StraussCalman said:


> "When you're dead, you don't know you're dead; it's only difficult for others. It's the same when you're stupid."
> One of tons from https://twitter.com/allowe
> BTW Al Lowe is a composer.


the screen shot is a computer game.....Leisure Suit Larry. kind of a adult game. unless you knew


----------



## Dan Ante

StraussCalman said:


> "When you're dead, you don't know you're dead; it's only difficult for others. It's the same when you're stupid."
> One of tons from https://twitter.com/allowe
> BTW Al Lowe is a composer.


So that's twitter! a good reason for me to keep away.


----------



## ldiat

Dan Ante said:


> So that's twitter! a good reason for me to keep away.


tell that to POTUS!


----------



## EddieRUKiddingVarese

Dan Ante said:


> Thats great but what are "these" ??


I think he is talking about Wives, as in plural.............. well at least that is what comes to my mind.


----------



## Jacred

A pessimist once told me, "Gravity is a myth. The Earth just sucks."


----------



## StraussCalman

ldiat said:


> the screen shot is a computer game.....Leisure Suit Larry. kind of a adult game. unless you knew


Not exactly. The theme is adult but the game is not. There are no adult scenes but a lot of stupid jokes, not very seemly. 
Al Lowe was a saxophonist and a school music master. Once, in early 80-s he became a programmer and created several nice quests, including Larry and it's sequels. He also composed a lot of tunes for other games.


----------



## ldiat

StraussCalman said:


> Not exactly. The theme is adult but the game is not. There are no adult scenes but a lot of stupid jokes, not very seemly.
> Al Lowe was a saxophonist and a school music master. Once, in early 80-s he became a programmer and created several nice quests, including Larry and it's sequels. He also composed a lot of tunes for other games.


thanks cool! and Thank you all for such a large turnout to this month's meeting of Plastic Surgery Anonymous.
I see a lot of new faces in here tonight.


----------



## Totenfeier

ldiat said:


> tell that to POTUS!


By the way, anyone wishing to while away a couple of hours amusing themselves could make a list of what the "P" in POTUS could possibly stand for in the times we live in. Mind you, I'm not advocating anything against forum rules, nor am I suggesting a thread hijack - just grab a piece of paper and a nice pen and get those ol' grey cells up and running!


----------



## KenOC

Trump visits an African country and they present him with a young chimpanzee. The beast is tame and rides with Trump in Air Force 1. They land at home. "What should I do with the chimpanzee?"

“Take him to the zoo, sir.”

The next day Trump takes the chimpanzee in the limo to the zoo.

He comes back and the chimp is still in the limo. "I thought you took him to the zoo?" asks his personal assistant.

"I did. We had a terrific time. Tomorrow we’re going to Six Flags.”


----------



## KenOC

A man goes to join an order of monks. The head Monk says to the man "This is a silent order. You will only be allowed to speak once every 15 years."

The man says "Ok" and so begins his time with the silent order.

15 years pass and the man is sitting in the refectory when the head monk approaches and says to the man "It has been fifteen years. What would you like to say brother?".

The man responds, "The porridge could do with a little more sugar." The head monk nods in acknowledgement and walks away.

Another 15 years pass and the head monk finds the man in the dormitory and says "Brother, it has been another 15 years. What is it that you wish to say?".

"The bed sheets are a bit thin," replies the man. Again the head monk nods in acknowledgement.

Yet another 15 years pass and the head monk sees the man and asks "15 years have passed. Have you anything to say?"

"Well actually I've been thinking about it and I'm leaving the order. It's not really for me." says the man.

"Yes, yes" sighs the head monk. "I think that's for the best. You've done nothing but complain since you got here."


----------



## Bettina

KenOC said:


> Trump visits an African country and they present him with a young chimpanzee. The beast is tame and rides with Trump in Air Force 1. They land at home. "What should I do with the chimpanzee?"
> 
> "Take him to the zoo, sir."
> 
> The next day Trump takes the chimpanzee in the limo to the zoo.
> 
> He comes back and the chimp is still in the limo. "I thought you took him to the zoo?" asks his personal assistant.
> 
> "I did. We had a terrific time. Tomorrow we're going to Six Flags."


I hope that Trump decides to delegate all his presidential duties to the chimpanzee. It would certainly be an improvement on the current situation!


----------



## KenOC

Lez keeps ‘em coming.

A couple made a vow that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact.

'Marion, Marion is that you, sweets? I've come back like we agreed.'

'That's wonderful! What's it like?'

'Well, I get up in the morning and have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then I have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud -- lots of greens), another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much-needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again.'

'Oh, sweets, you surely must be in heaven!'

'Not exactly ... I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona.'


----------



## StraussCalman

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client.
"I have some good news, and I have some bad news."
The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day. Give me the good news first."
The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she just invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15 million to $20 million, and I think she could be right."
Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"
The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary".


----------



## Kjetil Heggelund

Fantastic!


----------



## Jacred

A skunk walked into a courtroom. The judge yelled, "Odour in the court!"


----------



## ldiat

funny:lol: anyway:lol:


----------



## Bettina

ldiat said:


> funny:lol: anyway:lol:


That's probably why I decided, at a young age, that I wanted to be a piano teacher when I grew up! :lol:


----------



## SixFootScowl

Hear about the midget whose wallet was taken by a pickpocket?

The Police Chief was surprised that anyone would stoop that low.


----------



## ldiat

A priest, a minister and a rabbi want to see who's best that their jobs. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together to compare results. 

The priest begins "When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first Communion". 

"I found a bear by the stream", says the minister, "and preached God's holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him". 

The both looked down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. "Looking back", he says, "maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision."


----------



## ldiat

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. 

She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. 

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank. She has the title, and everything checks out. 

The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan. 

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan. 



An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. 

Two weeks later, the blonde returns. She r epays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. 

The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. 

What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" 

The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"


----------



## ldiat

An Italian grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife. 

'You comma to de front door of the apartamenta. I am inna apartamenta 301. There issa bigga panel at the front door. With you elbow, pusha button 301.. I will buzza you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with you elbow, pusha 3. When you get out, I'mma on the left. With you elbow, hit my doorbell..' 

'Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? 


'What . . .You coming empty handed?'


----------



## ldiat

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" 

"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond... "They're watch dogs!"


----------



## Kjetil Heggelund

Yo momma is so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas and it's still printing.


----------



## TxllxT

A priest, a minister and a rabbi come together and start to boast at each other.

"Well", the priest says, "after the church service we gather in the vestry, we draw a line and throw down all the money from the collection; what falls on one side is for the Lord (i.e. the Church), what falls one the other side is meant for the priest."

"No", the minister says, "we also gather in the vestry, but we draw a circle, throw down the money and what's inside the circle is for the Lord and what's outside is meant for the minister."

"We do it completely different", the rabbi muses. "After the synagogal service we gather all the money on a big silver plate". "Then we throw all the money upwards towards the ceiling and say: Lord, catch!" "The money that falls down, is meant for the rabbi"...


----------



## ldiat

lol funny cartoon


----------



## Totenfeier

Kjetil Heggelund said:


> Yo momma is so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas and it's still printing.


Yo momma is so fat, she got a whole lotta other little fat women orbiting her.


----------



## ldiat

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'
-------
Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Larry 'Giving up?'
--------
The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Larry quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'
--------
Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.' Larry asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture '


----------



## ldiat

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER
1. Sag, You're it.
2. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket.
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Doc Goose.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Hide and go pee.
9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta.
10. Musical recliners.


----------



## SixFootScowl

ldiat said:


> GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER
> 1. Sag, You're it.
> 2. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
> 3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
> 4. Kick the bucket.
> 5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
> 6. Doc Goose.
> 7. Simon says something incoherent.
> 8. Hide and go pee.
> 9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta.
> 10. Musical recliners.


Those are so bad that you should be kicked out of the nursing home for repeating them! :lol:


----------



## Gordontrek

There are SO many engineers in my hometown, being the national engineering hub that it is. I have picked up a joke or two in my time here:

A young engineer is about to leave work one evening when he sees his boss standing in front of the paper shredder looking slightly frustrated, with a piece of paper in hand. 
The engineer asks, "Need some help, sir?"
"Yes, I do," the boss replies. "This is very important and I don't have much time. Can you get this dang machine to work?"
"Sure," says the engineer, who pushes a few buttons and opens a few panels, and then puts the boss's paper right through the shredder. 
"Excellent excellent excellent!" gushes the boss. "I just need one copy."

An bright-eyed engineer fresh out of college is being interviewed for his first job. The interviewer asks, "What starting salary were you expecting?"
"Something in the neighborhood of $100,000 a year," he replies. 
"Hmm. What would you say to $200,000 a year with 6 weeks paid vacation and a brand new Cadillac starting immediately?"
"Wow!! You must be joking!!"
"Yes I was, but you started it."
(I unfortunately know way too many people like that engineer....)

An engineer and his girlfriend are chatting. Suddenly she looks at him seductively, lowers her voice and says "So....wanna see where I got my appendix removed?"
"Oh no," he replies. "I can't stand hospitals."

To a pessimist the glass is half empty. 
To an optimist the glass is half full. 
To an engineer the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. 

What's the difference between a mechanical engineer and a civil engineer?
A mechanical engineer builds weapons. A civil engineer builds targets. 

An art student, a philosophy student, a medical student and an engineering student are presented with the same problem:
"Prove that PAPA = MAMA"
The art student says, "Wrong question."
The philosophy student says, "Uh, I haven't gotten to gender studies yet."
The medical student says, "What the heck? That's impossible."
The engineering student says, "Oh come on, it's so simple!
According to Newton's 2nd Law, force equals mass times acceleration:
F = MA (1)
We also know that pressure is defined as force over a given area, as expressed by
P = F/A which, when solved for F, gives us:
F = PA (2)
According to the reflexive property, we may substitute the right side of equations (1) and (2) to get
PA = MA
Squaring both sides gives us:
PAPA = MAMA


----------



## Dan Ante

There was a young lady from Nottingham
Who had no manners or had forgotten them
during tea at the vicars she took off her knickers
because she explained she felt hot in them.


----------



## SixFootScowl

I love limericks. Here I had to make one up on the spot. Not that good, but it does rhyme.

There was a young man of France
who stood in a mound of ants.
They got in his pants,
so he started to dance,
and ran off raving with rants.


----------



## StraussCalman

A blond goes into work crying her eyes out, her boss asks her what's wrong, she tells him that her mom died.
The boss tells her that it's ok for her not to come to work, but she disagrees and says that she needs to work to put her mind off it.
As the day goes by she feels better, later she received a phone call and starts screaming and crying, when the boss came and asked her what's wrong she says:
"That was my sister, HER MOM DIED TOO!"


----------



## cpalmer

I decided to quit my gym...they moved the stair steppers to the 3rd floor...


----------



## Dan Ante

She was only the stableman’s daughter
But all the horse manure.


----------



## Belowpar

Gordontrek said:


> There are SO many engineers in my hometown, being the national engineering hub that it is. I have picked up a joke or two in my time here:


Your post reminded me (it was all a long time ago)...

My University had several large Engineering Specialities. Their students didn't mix with the Art Faculties, who perhaps tended to be a little snobbish about the Engineers.

Graffiti in the Male toilet in the Library read.

"When I came here, I couldn't even spell Engineer. 
Now I are one"


----------



## StraussCalman

Gordontrek said:


> PAPA = MAMA


----------



## ldiat

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules. 

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time." 

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?" 

At this, a male student in the crowd inquires, 

"How much for a season pass?"


----------



## ldiat

A blonde is in Lousiana and walks into a bayou store. She shes this nice pair of aligator shoes on the counter and asks the guy how much. He says 250 bucks. 
Well for that much I will go find my own alligator shoes!" 
Good luck" the store manager tells her. 
Hours later he locks up his store and drivs down the road by the swamp and sees that some blonde with a shotgun, knee deep in the swamp and a 12ft gator swimming towards her. She shoots it and asks the driver to help her haul it up on the bank and roll it over on his back. At this point he sees 7 other gators with rolled over. She looks at the gators feet and yells, 
" dam!! This alligaor is barefoot too!!"


----------



## Dan Ante

She was only the gas welder’s daughter
But she had acetylene t***


----------



## Scopitone

What did the PNG say to the JPG?

"Sorry for your loss."


----------



## Scopitone

Man: Doctor, Doctor, I have a terrible twitter addiction. What do I do?

Doctor: Sorry, not following you.


----------



## Animal the Drummer

You know you're drunk when you come home late at night, put some food in the microwave and enter your PIN number.


----------



## StraussCalman

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so... I joined the CIA.
'In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...
'But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger, so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Cause he's an utter bullshitter. He's never been out of the yard.'


----------



## Barbebleu

This probably won't get past the mods but here goes anyway.

This guy says to his wife "Why do you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"

She says"I don't like to phone you when you're at work!"


----------



## Barbebleu

I ordered a pizza last night. I asked for a thin and crusty supreme. They sent me Diana Ross!


----------



## Totenfeier

Barbebleu said:


> This probably won't get past the mods but here goes anyway.
> 
> This guy says to his wife "Why do you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"
> 
> She says"I don't like to phone you when you're at work!"


In reverse:

Two Frenchmen, one old and one young, are discussing the arts of love. The young one asks, "Is it appropriate to talk to one's wife during lovemaking?"

Startled, the older man replies, "Now, in all my experience, that is a thing that has truly never occurred to me. But, speaking philosophically, I suppose that if one wished to do so, and there happened to _be_ a telephone by the bed..."


----------



## Barbebleu

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are trapped in a canyon with Apache warriors on all sides. They are greatly outnumbered and their demise looks imminent. 

"Well Tonto old friend, we are in deep trouble now." says the Lone Ranger.

Tonto replies, "What you mean we, white-man?"


----------



## KenOC

Accordionist goes into a bar, leaving the accordion in the back seat of his car. He pauses for a second, but who would steal an accordion? He goes into the bar, has a drink, and returns to his car. Sure enough, the back window is broken. And there are three more accordions in the back seat.


----------



## Barbebleu

Man - Doctor, doctor. I keep thinking that I'm a pair of curtains! What should I do?

Doctor - Pull yourself together man!

If it wasn't for venetian blinds it would be curtains for all of us!

How do you make a venetian blind? Poke his eyes out!

I know, I know.:tiphat:


----------



## Pat Fairlea

Scopitone said:


> What did the PNG say to the JPG?
> 
> "Sorry for your loss."


Were they having a tiff?


----------



## TxllxT

TV reporter on the street at 00.00 hours in the year 2000 asking a passer-by:

"So, what are your plans for the new millennium?"

"Well, fairly modest. Most of the time I think I will be dead..."


----------



## Kjetil Heggelund

Yo momma so ugly! She thought she had a zombie-poster, but it was a mirror.


----------



## Bettina

Kjetil Heggelund said:


> Yo momma so ugly! She thought she had a zombie-poster, but it was a mirror.


Yo mamma even uglier! She was the inspiration for Schoenberg's turn to atonal music.


----------



## hpowders

Bettina said:


> Yo mamma even uglier! She was the inspiration for Schoenberg's turn to atonal music.


I didn't know U B trash talkin', honey! :lol:


----------



## SixFootScowl

Kjetil Heggelund said:


> Yo momma so ugly! She thought she had a zombie-poster, but it was a mirror.


Can't remember where I saw it, probably posted in this thread, but that reminds me of the one,

"I was so ugly as a baby my mother fed me with a slingshot." Maybe I posted it, and I think it was Rodney Dangerfield.


----------



## Barbebleu

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother!


----------



## Tallisman

A blonde walks into a store and asks if she can buy the TV in the corner.

The clerk says 'we don't sell to blondes in here'. 

So the blonde goes home and dyes her hair red and goes back into the shop to ask for the TV again.

The clerk says 'we don't sell to blondes in here'.

Confused, the woman goes home again and dyes her hair black and asks for the TV again, hoping it will work this time.

She walks in and the clerk says 'we don't sell to blondes'.

'How do you know I'm blonde?' said the woman.

'Because that's a microwave'.


----------



## Tallisman

That's probably an old and familiar one but it made me laugh...:tiphat:


----------



## SixFootScowl

Tallisman said:


> That's probably an old and familiar one but it made me laugh...:tiphat:


Always worth revisiting a good joke.


----------



## hpowders

A composer just wrote a symphony but refused to publish it, because he hates "contemporary" music.


----------



## hpowders

Best way to learn harmony: simply avoid ever getting married.


----------



## SixFootScowl

hpowders said:


> A composer just wrote a symphony but refused to publish it, because he hates "contemporary" music.


If a symphony is written but never published, does it actually exist if never performed?


----------



## hpowders

Florestan said:


> If a symphony is written but never published, does it actually exist if never performed?


Not in the public domain anyway.


----------



## SixFootScowl

hpowders said:


> Not in the public domain anyway.


What if someone can read the composers mind (his wife maybe) and surreptitiously publishes the work?


----------



## SixFootScowl

Man taken to hospital after he swallows toy horse. His condition is stable.


----------



## SixFootScowl

Man smashes index finger in car door and is in great pain. On the other hand, he's fine.


----------



## ldiat

Florestan said:


> If a symphony is written but never published, does it actually exist if never performed?


"well" this is a deep subject for a shallow conversation...


----------



## ldiat

*A.a.a.d.d*

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table,
put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills
back
on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think,
since I'm going to be near the mailbox
when I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table,
and see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
so I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the
can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks,
but first I need to push the Pepsi aside
so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Pepsi is getting warm,
and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,
a vase of flowers on the counter
catches my eye-they need water.

I put the Pepsi on the counter and
discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk,
but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter,
fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers,
but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table,
get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to
remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
the car isn't washed
the bills aren't paid
there is a warm can of
Pepsi sitting on the counter
the flowers don't have enough water,
there is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all the damn day,
and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem,
and I'll try to get some help for it,
but first I'll check my e-mail….


----------



## hpowders

ldiat said:


> Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
> This is how it manifests:
> 
> I decide to water my garden.
> As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
> I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
> 
> As I start toward the garage,
> I notice mail on the porch table that
> I brought up from the mail box earlier.
> 
> I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
> 
> I lay my car keys on the table,
> put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
> and notice that the can is full.
> 
> So, I decide to put the bills
> back
> on the table and take out the garbage first.
> 
> But then I think,
> since I'm going to be near the mailbox
> when I take out the garbage anyway,
> I may as well pay the bills first.
> 
> I take my check book off the table,
> and see that there is only one check left.
> My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
> so I go inside the house to my desk where
> I find the
> can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.
> 
> I'm going to look for my checks,
> but first I need to push the Pepsi aside
> so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
> 
> The Pepsi is getting warm,
> and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
> 
> As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,
> a vase of flowers on the counter
> catches my eye-they need water.
> 
> I put the Pepsi on the counter and
> discover my reading glasses that
> I've been searching for all morning.
> I decide I better put them back on my desk,
> but first I'm going to water the flowers.
> 
> I set the glasses back down on the counter,
> fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
> Someone left it on the kitchen table.
> 
> I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
> I'll be looking for the remote,
> but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
> so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
> but first I'll water the flowers.
> 
> I pour some water in the flowers,
> but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
> 
> So, I set the remote back on the table,
> get some towels and wipe up the spill.
> 
> Then, I head down the hall trying to
> remember what I was planning to do.
> At the end of the day:
> the car isn't washed
> the bills aren't paid
> there is a warm can of
> Pepsi sitting on the counter
> the flowers don't have enough water,
> there is still only 1 check in my check book,
> I can't find the remote,
> I can't find my glasses,
> and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
> Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
> I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all the damn day,
> and I'm really tired.
> 
> I realize this is a serious problem,
> and I'll try to get some help for it,
> but first I'll check my e-mail….


Supposed to be "SHORT". You want Waqner-length jokes, please open an apropos thread.


----------



## Metairie Road

ldiat

Pepsi?

That explains everything right there.

Best wishes
Metairie Road


----------



## ldiat

supposed to b "short" No.1

Oxymorons

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are


----------



## ldiat

No.2
10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

15. Why is "phonetic" not spelled the way it sounds?

16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?


----------



## ldiat

no.3

21. Why do we press harder on the buttons of a remote control when we know the batteries are dead?

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?


----------



## ldiat

no.4
23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

27. Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

28. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?
:lol:


----------



## ldiat

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.


----------



## ldiat

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
--------------------------------------------------------
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
----------------------------------------------------------------
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?


----------



## ldiat

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?


----------



## Art Rock

ldiat said:


> ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
> WITNESS: No..
> ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
> WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
> ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?


WITNESS: I guess he might be an attorney.


----------



## hpowders

Is there anything in classical music similar in caliber to Clint Eastwood's 44 Magnum?

THIS is how it's done!!


----------



## hpowders

30,000 BC Listening Chain: the best of caveperson classical music.

THIS is how it's done!!


----------



## Dan Ante

ldiat said:


> Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
> This is how it manifests:
> 
> I decide to water my garden.
> As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
> I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
> 
> As I start toward the garage,
> I notice mail on the porch table that
> I brought up from the mail box earlier.
> 
> I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
> 
> I lay my car keys on the table,
> put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
> and notice that the can is full.
> 
> So, I decide to put the bills
> back
> on the table and take out the garbage first.
> 
> But then I think,
> since I'm going to be near the mailbox
> when I take out the garbage anyway,
> I may as well pay the bills first.
> 
> I take my check book off the table,
> and see that there is only one check left.
> My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
> so I go inside the house to my desk where
> I find the
> can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.
> 
> I'm going to look for my checks,
> but first I need to push the Pepsi aside
> so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
> 
> The Pepsi is getting warm,
> and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
> 
> As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,
> a vase of flowers on the counter
> catches my eye-they need water.
> 
> I put the Pepsi on the counter and
> discover my reading glasses that
> I've been searching for all morning.
> I decide I better put them back on my desk,
> but first I'm going to water the flowers.
> 
> I set the glasses back down on the counter,
> fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
> Someone left it on the kitchen table.
> 
> I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
> I'll be looking for the remote,
> but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
> so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
> but first I'll water the flowers.
> 
> I pour some water in the flowers,
> but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
> 
> So, I set the remote back on the table,
> get some towels and wipe up the spill.
> 
> Then, I head down the hall trying to
> remember what I was planning to do.
> At the end of the day:
> the car isn't washed
> the bills aren't paid
> there is a warm can of
> Pepsi sitting on the counter
> the flowers don't have enough water,
> there is still only 1 check in my check book,
> I can't find the remote,
> I can't find my glasses,
> and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
> Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
> I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all the damn day,
> and I'm really tired.
> 
> I realize this is a serious problem,
> and I'll try to get some help for it,
> but first I'll check my e-mail….


Thank the lord I thought I was the only one, now where is the car.


----------



## ldiat

The frugal man walked into the house panting and almost completely exhausted. "What happened, Honey?" asked his wife.

"It’s a great new idea I have," he gasped. "I ran all the way home behind the bus and saved $1.50 cents."

"That wasn’t too smart," replied his wife. "Why didn’t you run behind a taxi and save ten dollars?"


----------



## ldiat

A farmer and his recently hired hand were eating an early breakfast of biscuits and gravy, scrambled eggs, bacon and coffee that the farmer’s wife had prepared for them. Thinking of all the work they had to get done that day, the farmer told the hired man he might as well go ahead and eat his lunch too.

The hired man didn’t say a word, but filled his plate a second time and proceeded to eat. After awhile the farmer said, "We’ve got so much work to do today, you might as well eat your supper now too."

Again, the hired man didn’t respond but refilled his plate a third time and continued to eat. Finally, after eating his third plate of food, the hired man pushed back his chair and began to take off his shoes.

"What are you doing?" the farmer asked.

The hired man replied, "I don’t work after supper."


----------



## ldiat

Who was the least guilty president?

Abraham Lincoln. He's in-a-cent!


----------



## ldiat

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near-death experience.

Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 30 years, two months and eight days to live"

Upon hearing the good news, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift,liposuction and tummy tuck. She figured she might as well look her best since she was in it for the long haul.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was struck by an ambulance and killed.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 30 years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of that ambulance?"

God replied, "Girl, I didn't recognize you!"


----------



## ldiat

When a new dentist set up in town he quickly acquired a reputation of being the 'Painless' dentist. However, a local little girl called Veronica disputed his claim.

"He’s a fake!" Veronica told her friends. "He’s not painless at all. When he stuck his finger in my mouth, I bit him, and he screamed like anyone else!"


----------



## Barbebleu

My wife said to me the other day " if I get reincarnated I'd like to come back as a cow."

I said "You've completely missed the point. You're supposed to come back as something different."

The doctor tells me my injuries will heal eventually!


----------



## TxllxT

Actual St Petersburg joke:
"It was raining 40 days and 40 nights". In the Bible this is called: the Flood. In St Petersburg: summer.


----------



## Barbebleu

These may not travel!

If Whoopi Goldberg married Gerard Depardieu would she be Whoopi Depardieu? (Say it quickly)

If Beyoncé Knowles married the former tennis player Andrew Castle would she be Beyoncé Castle? 

A guy goes into an Indian restaurant and says "Can I have a Chicken Tarka Masala please?"

The waiter says "Do you mean a Chicken Tikka Masala sir?"

"No" replies the guy," it's like a Tikka Masala only its a little 'otter."

:lol:


----------



## TxllxT

The doorbell rings.
--"Hello, we are Jehovah's witnesses."--
--"Oh, is he getting married today?"--


----------



## ldiat

Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self- pitying. She moaned to her mom and brother,

"Nobody loves me ... the whole world hates me!"

Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word:

"That's not true, Mary. Some people don't even know you."


----------



## ldiat

The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST DEALS. He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES. The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop.

It read... Main entrance.


----------



## Crystal

BLONDE: "Excuse me, what time is it right now?"
WOMAN: "It's 11:25PM."
BLONDE: (confused look on face)You know, it's the weirdest thing, I've asked that question thirty times today, and every time someone gives me a different answer."

:lol:


----------



## TxllxT

In an intelligent Odessa house a boy is playing the violin and the poodle is howling next to him exact in time.
At last his father cannot stand it anymore.
"Borya, stop this immediately!" "Can you play something the poodle doesn't know?"


----------



## TxllxT

True story (Thomas Cook complaints):

A Dutch couple arrives in an hotel. To their dismay they find a sign 'do not disturb' hanging on the door at the inside. After long discussions & waiting they decide to break the rule of the hotel: they go out of their room & sneak into the corridor. This they repeat many times. To Thomas Cook they send their complaint, why the hotel has issued such draconian measures.


----------



## Kjetil Heggelund

What did the horse say, when it came out of the fridge?
...PRRRR...


----------



## Dr Johnson

Once Buddha was travelling from one town to another with a bunch of his followers. One day they entered a small village. This village was so small so that the news about the visitors spread immediately. When Buddha and his disciples arrived at central square it was already full of haters of Buddha and his teaching. There was one man in particular that stood in front of Buddha and started to speak all of the bad things he could come up with. He was swearing and swearing, and Buddha stood calm. 

The man freaked out: "Why are you just standing here and listening to all the hate I threw at you?". 

"The bad words you are saying - Buddha replied - is your choice. You chose to say these nasty things about me. And then, this is purely my choice, to accept these words or not. I choose not to. And now my disciples will beat the **** out of you"


----------



## Dan Ante

Kjetil Heggelund said:


> What did the horse say, when it came out of the fridge?
> ...PRRRR...


Nay. Cats purrrr, Horses neigh?


----------



## KenOC

Dan Ante said:


> Nay. Cats purrrr, Horses neigh?


You can ask Frau Blucher...


----------



## SixFootScowl

Joe: "That piece of land I purchased is really causing me some pain"

Mike: "Oh, was it that expensive?"

Joe: "No, it's just that I got an acre." 



Well, the OP did ask for STUPIDEST jokes.


----------



## ldiat

Dan Ante said:


> Nay. Cats purrrr, Horses neigh?


you had to say NEIGH


----------



## ldiat

"I'm not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance ... she leaned over and pushed me."


----------



## ldiat

A boss tells a blonde applicant,

"I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour. So, when would you like to start?"

"after three months sir."


----------



## ldiat

Two men died and went to Heaven. St. Peter greeted them, and said

"I'm sorry, gentlemen, but your mansions aren't ready yet. Until they are, I can send you back to Earth as whatever you want to be."

"Great!" said the first guy, "I want to be an eagle soaring above beautiful scenery!"

"No problem," replied St. Peter, and POOF! The guy was gone.

"And what do you want to be," St. Peter asked the other guy.

"I'd like to be one cool stud!" was the reply.

"Easy," replied St. Peter, and the other guy was gone.

After a few months, their mansions were finished, and St. Peter sent an angel to fetch them back.

"You'll find them easily," he says, "One of them is soaring above the Grand Canyon, and the other one is on a snow tire somewhere in Detroit!"


----------



## Joe B

How do you keep a skunk from smelling?...........................................................Hold it's nose.


----------



## Pat Fairlea

This one is currently circulating in the dustier by-ways of social media:

Why did mammoths become extinct?

Because they were irrelephant.


----------



## Joe B

Three nuns get into a car accident after Sunday mass.
The three find themselves in front of the gates of heaven.
Mother superior goes to open the gates and is stopped by St. Peter.
"Where do you think you're going?" asks St Peter.
Mother superior says "We just died on our way back from mass."
St. Peter replies, "That's all fine, but to get in you must answer a question."
"Fine!" she says.
St. Peter then says, "Who was the first man every created by God?"
Mother superior smiles and replies, "Why St. Peter, scripture states that God created Adam first."
The bells above the gate start ringing, the doors swing open, and St. Peter says, "Go on in."
He then looks at the second nun and says, "Are you ready for your question."
"Yes" she replies.
St. Peter then asks, "Who was the first woman created?"
She smiles and replies, "Why St. Peter, scripture states that God created Eve after creating Adam."
The bells above the gate start ringing, the doors swing open, and St. Peter says, "Go on in."
He then looks at the young novitiate and asks, "Are you ready for your question?"
The young nun feels extremely confident having heard the previous questions and boldly says, "Yes St. Peter. What is the question?"
St. Peter thinks for a moment, looks her in the eyes and asks, "What were the first words ever said between a man and a woman?"
The young nun's jaw drops at the sheer difficulty of the question and says, "Oh my, that's a hard one!"
The bells above the gate start ringing, the doors swing open, and St. Peter says, "Go on in."


----------



## Botschaft

Me (and yes, I am short and seemly).


----------



## Tallisman

Man walks into his house, drunk beyond belief after a night at the pub. 
His wife greets him and says 'you're drunk'.
'No I'm not', says the man.
'Alright then, try and tell the time', says his wife.
The man turns to the clock and says 'I'm not drunk'. 


I would've included the original video that was from, but I didn't want a ban for profanity :lol:


----------



## Animal the Drummer

When I was a kid I told my parents I wanted to be a conductor.

They put me on the roof during a thunderstorm.


----------



## ldiat

My Dearest Susan, Sweetie of my heart. I've been so desolate ever since I broke off our engagement. Simply devastated. Won't you please consider coming back to me? You hold a place in my heart no other woman can fill. I can never marry another woman quite like you. I need you so much. Won't you forgive me and let us make a new beginning? I love you so.

Yours always and truly, John.

P.S. Congratulations on winning the state lottery.


----------



## ldiat

this is pretty good one:lol:


----------



## Barbebleu

Arnold Schwarzenegger calls up Sly Stallone, Bruce Willis and Dolph Lundgren and says "listen guys, I've got a great idea for a film. Come over to my place this afternoon and I'll tell you all about it."

They all duly arrive and Arnie says" I'm going to make a film about the great composers. Sly, I want you to play Verdi, Bruce, I want you to play Brahms and Dolph, I want you to be Beethoven."

Sly says " and who will you be Arnie?"

Arnie replies " I'll be Bach!"


----------



## KenOC

Q: How do you think the unthinkable?

A: With an itheberg.


----------



## EddieRUKiddingVarese

Q How many dancers does it take to change a light bulb

A 5,6,7,8.


----------



## KenOC

Mr. Farnham belonged to a men’s club whose members spoke on subjects of their choice when their turns came. Since his turn came at the next meeting, he announced that he would speak on sex.

Returning home, he mentioned that he would be speaking next weekend. His wife asked him what the topic would be. He was a bit embarrassed, so he simply said, “Flying.”

The following week, one of the club’s members ran into Mrs. Farnham at the grocery store. He mentioned that her husband’s speech had been excellent and was well-received by all. She replied, “Well that’s good of course, but I must say I’m a bit surprised. He only tried it once and then he threw up.”


----------



## EddieRUKiddingVarese

A tomato dad, mother, and son are walking in a street. The tomato son falls behind. The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on him, and yells, "Ketchup!"


----------



## hpowders

EddieRUKiddingVarese said:


> A tomato dad, mother, and son are walking in a street. The tomato son falls behind. The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on him, and yells, "Ketchup!"


Bloody awful!! :lol::lol:


----------



## hpowders

Donald Trump told his son Baron, "I have a lot of compassion for you." Baron being no idiot proceeded to run away from home!

Okay! Okay! It's not stupid!


----------



## ldiat

EddieRUKiddingVarese said:


> A tomato dad, mother, and son are walking in a street. The tomato son falls behind. The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on him, and yells, "Ketchup!"


i had to!!


----------



## Gordontrek

KenOC said:


> Q: How do you think the unthinkable?
> 
> A: With an itheberg.


That you Mike Tyson?


----------



## Gordontrek

Overheard this at college:
Trombone prof: Stainless steel mouthpieces don't ring when you clink them together like regular brass ones do.
Trumpet prof: That's interesting. I wonder if stainless steel refrigerators are that way.
Trombone prof: I don't know, I've never clinked two refrigerators before.


----------



## SixFootScowl

Gordontrek said:


> Overheard this at college:
> Trombone prof: *Stainless steel mouthpieces don't ring when you clink them together like regular brass ones do*.
> Trumpet prof: That's interesting. I wonder if stainless steel refrigerators are that way.
> Trombone prof: I don't know, I've never clinked two refrigerators before.


Just an aside: There might be something to that. I do know that forged steel rings (like a bell at least for a Volkswagen crankshaft I have in my basement) when clinked with a wrench, but cast iron does not (it goes thunk). The brass mouthpiece may be forged whereas the stainless may be stamped?


----------



## geralmar




----------



## Animal the Drummer

Hear about the Pepsi Co.executive who was fired after testing positive for Coke?


----------



## ldiat

funny little joke:lol:


----------



## Gordontrek

Some of history's wittiest comeback lines (if some of these are too crass I'll gladly edit or remove)

The great boxer Muhammad Ali was on a plane preparing for takeoff. The stewardess was conducting a final check and noticed Ali didn't have his seat belt buckled. She said "Mr. Ali, we're about to take off; please fasten your seat belt."
"Superman don't need no seat belt!"
"Superman don't need no plane either!"
Ali buckled his seat belt.

Nancy Astor: Mr. Churchill, if you were my husband, I would poison your tea.
Winston Churchill: And if you were my wife, I would drink it!

Nicholas Longworth, a member of Congress known for his devastating wit, was being verbally assaulted by a political rival. This rival passed his hands over Longworth's bald head, and remarked, "Hmm, it feels just like my wife's behind."
Longworth reached up, felt his own head, and replied, "By golly it does, doesn't it."
The entire chamber erupted in laughter.

George Bernard Shaw: Have enclosed two tickets to the opening night of my new play. Bring a friend, if you have one.
Winston Churchill: Can't come first night. Will come second night, if you have one.

High-society lady: President Coolidge, I made a bet against a fellow who said it is impossible to get more than three words out of you in one night.
Coolidge: You lose.

The great British general Arthur Wellesley was at a dinner in Vienna when a group of French soldiers turned their backs on him to insult him. A hostess rushed over to Wellesley and apologized for their behavior. He replied: "It is nothing, madam; I have seen their backs before."

Member of Parliament: Mr. Churchill, must you ALWAYS fall asleep when I'm speaking?
Winston Churchill: No, it's purely voluntary.

"Thank you for sending me your book. I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

Senate member: When you look at this country, do you pray for its Senators, Reverend?
Rev. Edward Everett Hale: No, I look at the Senators, and then pray for the country.

A young man noticed Winston Churchill exit the bathroom without washing his hands. He said to the PM, "At Eton, they teach us to wash our hands after using the lavatory."
Churchill: "At Harrow, they taught us not to pee on our hands." (this guy was just a savage plain and simple)

Actual courtroom exchange:
Lawyer: Officer, you say that my client was seen by one of your fellow officers running away from the scene of the crime. Tell me, do you trust this fellow officer?
Officer: Yes sir, with my life.
Lawyer: Then why, may I ask, do you, and EVERY other officer lock your personal belongings in lockers throughout the station? If you are so trustworthy and reliable why must you lock your belongings from each other?
Officer: Well, you see sir, there is a court complex appended to the station, and lawyers have been known to come around to the police station every now and then.

Some that I saw during my Facebook days:
Person 1: "I'm tired of people asking me for lifts. I'm not a taxi service. If you ride in my car I expect money."
Person 2: "That would make you a taxi service"

Person 1: "I wish my GPA looked like those gas prices."
Person 2: "I wish those gas prices looked like your GPA."

Person 1: "It warms my heart to see two ugly people fall in love and get married."
Person 2: "So who's the lucky guy?"

Person 1: Why the glasses? You look so much better without them
Person 2: So do you


----------



## KenOC

Gordontrek said:


> Some of history's wittiest comeback lines...


4th Earl of Sandwich: "You, sir, will certainly either die upon the gallows or of a social disease."

Samuel Foote: "That depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress."

This is my favorite snappy comeback. The attribution is argued.


----------



## Animal the Drummer

Gordontrek said:


> Some of history's wittiest comeback lines (if some of these are too crass I'll gladly edit or remove)
> 
> The great boxer Muhammad Ali was on a plane preparing for takeoff. The stewardess was conducting a final check and noticed Ali didn't have his seat belt buckled. She said "Mr. Ali, we're about to take off; please fasten your seat belt."
> "Superman don't need no seat belt!"
> "Superman don't need no plane either!"
> Ali buckled his seat belt.
> 
> Nancy Astor: Mr. Churchill, if you were my husband, I would poison your tea.
> Winston Churchill: And if you were my wife, I would drink it!
> 
> Nicholas Longworth, a member of Congress known for his devastating wit, was being verbally assaulted by a political rival. This rival passed his hands over Longworth's bald head, and remarked, "Hmm, it feels just like my wife's behind."
> Longworth reached up, felt his own head, and replied, "By golly it does, doesn't it."
> The entire chamber erupted in laughter.
> 
> George Bernard Shaw: Have enclosed two tickets to the opening night of my new play. Bring a friend, if you have one.
> Winston Churchill: Can't come first night. Will come second night, if you have one.
> 
> High-society lady: President Coolidge, I made a bet against a fellow who said it is impossible to get more than three words out of you in one night.
> Coolidge: You lose.
> 
> The great British general Arthur Wellesley was at a dinner in Vienna when a group of French soldiers turned their backs on him to insult him. A hostess rushed over to Wellesley and apologized for their behavior. He replied: "It is nothing, madam; I have seen their backs before."
> 
> Member of Parliament: Mr. Churchill, must you ALWAYS fall asleep when I'm speaking?
> Winston Churchill: No, it's purely voluntary.
> 
> "Thank you for sending me your book. I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas
> 
> Senate member: When you look at this country, do you pray for its Senators, Reverend?
> Rev. Edward Everett Hale: No, I look at the Senators, and then pray for the country.
> 
> A young man noticed Winston Churchill exit the bathroom without washing his hands. He said to the PM, "At Eton, they teach us to wash our hands after using the lavatory."
> Churchill: "At Harrow, they taught us not to pee on our hands." (this guy was just a savage plain and simple)
> 
> Actual courtroom exchange:
> Lawyer: Officer, you say that my client was seen by one of your fellow officers running away from the scene of the crime. Tell me, do you trust this fellow officer?
> Officer: Yes sir, with my life.
> Lawyer: Then why, may I ask, do you, and EVERY other officer lock your personal belongings in lockers throughout the station? If you are so trustworthy and reliable why must you lock your belongings from each other?
> Officer: Well, you see sir, there is a court complex appended to the station, and lawyers have been known to come around to the police station every now and then.
> 
> Some that I saw during my Facebook days:
> Person 1: "I'm tired of people asking me for lifts. I'm not a taxi service. If you ride in my car I expect money."
> Person 2: "That would make you a taxi service"
> 
> Person 1: "I wish my GPA looked like those gas prices."
> Person 2: "I wish those gas prices looked like your GPA."
> 
> Person 1: "It warms my heart to see two ugly people fall in love and get married."
> Person 2: "So who's the lucky guy?"
> 
> Person 1: Why the glasses? You look so much better without them
> Person 2: So do you


Some crackers there, but my all-time Churchillian favourite (and one I actually remembered in time to use myself once - oh joy unconfined!) was his encounter with the equally formidable socialist MP for one of the Liverpool constituencies, Bessie Braddock, who once came upon Churchill in a House of Commons corridor when he was three sheets to the wind:

BESSIE B: "Winston, you're drunk!".
WINNIE: "Madam, you're ugly. And I shall be sober in the morning."

Another time when George Bernard Shaw was bested was after the actress Mrs.Patrick Campbell, with whom he quite often crossed swords, featured in the first night of one of his plays, after which Shaw sent her a telegram saying simply: "Magnificent." She replied with "Not worthy of such praise". He came back with "I was referring to my play, madam, not to your acting", to which she sent the immortal response: "So was I".


----------



## Ingélou

I spent my life savings on a vintage Rolls Royce but I didn't have enough left to hire a driver.

All that money and nothing to chauffeur it...


----------



## Kjetil Heggelund

The clarinettist was told to practice "30 second notes" and came back next time playing a 32nd note...(meaning tut instead of tooooooooooooooooooooooooot)


----------



## KenOC

In a parliamentary debate:

A: "You, sir, will certainly either die upon the gallows or of a social disease."
B: "That depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress."

(Attribution argued.)


----------



## hpowders

Definition of a radical:

A conductor who refuses to pause 5 minutes after movement one of Mahler Symphony #2 and plunges into the second movement, attacca. (Curiously refreshing, by the way)

P.S. Sorry to be tall and handsome rather than short and seemly. Can't have everything.


----------



## Dr Johnson

Animal the Drummer said:


> Some crackers there, but my all-time Churchillian favourite (and one I actually remembered in time to use myself once - oh joy unconfined!) was his encounter with the equally formidable socialist MP for one of the Liverpool constituencies, Bessie Braddock, who once came upon Churchill in a House of Commons corridor when he was three sheets to the wind:
> 
> BESSIE B: "Winston, you're drunk!".
> WINNIE: "Madam, you're ugly. And I shall be sober in the morning."
> 
> Another time when George Bernard Shaw was bested was after the actress Mrs.Patrick Campbell, with whom he quite often crossed swords, featured in the first night of one of his plays, after which Shaw sent her a telegram saying simply: "Magnificent." She replied with "Not worthy of such praise". He came back with "I was referring to my play, madam, not to your acting", to which she sent the immortal response: "So was I".


Alas, the funniest Churchillian quip (concerning a report of a guardee and a MP discovered in a compromising situation _ al fresco_ in Hyde Park during a particularly cold February) would contravene the ToS of the forum.


----------



## Scopitone

Why don't they allow prostitutes to hang out outside of prisons?

Because you should not end a sentence with a proposition.


----------



## Animal the Drummer

Good steak puns are rare.


----------



## Totenfeier

Waiter (to diner): "How did you find your steak, sir?"

Diner: "Well, I just looked under the baked potato, and there it was!"


----------



## ldiat

Scopitone said:


> Why don't they allow prostitutes to hang out outside of prisons?
> 
> Because you should not end a sentence with a proposition.


and how can you tell which potato is the prostitute standing on the corner??? I DA HO


----------



## Animal the Drummer

Nothing beats the joy on a little boy's face when he sees the Playstation box containing the socks you got him for Christmas.


----------



## Belowpar

Dr Johnson said:


> Alas, the funniest Churchillian quip (concerning a report of a guardee and a MP discovered in a compromising situation _ al fresco_ in Hyde Park during a particularly cold February) would contravene the ToS of the forum.


"-3, eh? Makes you proud to be British!"


----------



## Marinera

Animal the Drummer said:


> Nothing beats the joy on a little boy's face when he sees the Playstation box containing the socks you got him for Christmas.


Oh, hello Mr Grinch is that you? Getting into the Christmas mood already I see


----------



## Animal the Drummer

I bet my local butcher £50 he couldn't reach the meat on his top shelf. He refused 'coz the steaks were too high.


----------



## ldiat

Animal the Drummer said:


> I bet my local butcher £50 he couldn't reach the meat on his top shelf. He refused 'coz the steaks were too high.


food jokes:lol: i got a million of em like when are cooks bad??? when they beat the eggs!! or when the chef states" how is that fish lookin" and the cook says "dont know lost its eyes a while ago"!! and "waiter! whats this fly doing in my soup???" waiter: "the back stroke"


----------



## TxllxT

Russian joke about the Russian Post: 'Still not everything is lost'...


----------



## Blancrocher

KenOC said:


> A pirate with a steering wheel on his crotch walks into a bar and orders a pint of grog.
> 
> Bartender says, "Why certainly sir, but...did you notice you have a steering wheel on your crotch?"
> 
> Pirate says, "Arghhh, and it be drivin' me nuts!"
> 
> I lied about the seemly part.


I've ignored this thread for months, not realizing that the "seemly" part of the title was just there to deflect the attention of the mods.


----------



## ldiat

couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise". The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.

He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation
"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"

The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."

Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck"


----------



## ldiat

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.

The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!" The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically.

"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make several low-level passes." "Why?" asked the nervous pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures."

The pilot replied, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"


----------



## Luchesi

wow you've posted almost 15k posts Ken. Good to find you well and engaged in here.

This is roeselare or barbW. Any other posters from our defunct forum?


----------



## Luchesi

funny, Idiat, thanks


----------



## KenOC

Luchesi said:


> wow you've posted almost 15k posts Ken. Good to find you well and engaged in here.
> 
> This is roeselare or barbW. Any other posters from our defunct forum?


Lots of refugees here. There's a partial list, with new usernames, in this thread.

http://www.talkclassical.com/51848-amazon-classical-music-forum.html#post1327088


----------



## Gordontrek

Alternatives to "you know what really grinds my gears?"

You know what really burns my toast?
You know what really writes my parking ticket?
You know what really stains my carpet?
You know what really haunts my house?
You know what really slashes my tires?
You know what really invades my country?
You know what really crashes my hard drive?
You know what really toothpastes my orange juice?
You know what really wets my sandwich?


----------



## Luchesi

KenOC said:


> Lots of refugees here. There's a partial list, with new usernames, in this thread.
> 
> http://www.talkclassical.com/51848-amazon-classical-music-forum.html#post1327088


That's heartening. Thanks


----------



## TxllxT

Israeli army joke:
- A young soldier is being asked: 'If you see 20 terrorists, what would you do?'
- 'I'd take an Uzi and shoot them'.
- 'What if a tank was coming at you?'
- 'I'd take a rocket launcher and defend myself'.
- 'And what if you see planes, tanks and terrorists together?'
- 'General, am I the only one in this army?'


----------



## Totenfeier

ldiat said:


> food jokes:lol: i got a million of em like when are cooks bad??? when they beat the eggs!! or when the chef states" how is that fish lookin" and the cook says "dont know lost its eyes a while ago"!! and "waiter! whats this fly doing in my soup???" waiter: "the back stroke"


A man somewhat under the influence of drink stumbles into a restaurant and orders dinner, starting with a salad with thousand island dressing. While waiting for his food, he passes out, a bit. Upon awakening, he sees the salad before him. He observes it a moment, grimaces, and calls the waiter over.

"Yes, sir?"

"One queshion..._do_ I eat this, or _did _I?


----------



## ldiat

Totenfeier said:


> A man somewhat under the influence of drink stumbles into a restaurant and orders dinner, starting with a salad with thousand island dressing. While waiting for his food, he passes out, a bit. Upon awakening, he sees the salad before him. He observes it a moment, grimaces, and calls the waiter over.
> 
> "Yes, sir?"
> 
> "One queshion..._do_ I eat this, or _did _I?


this reminded me of this true story. i worked at a country club in the 'burgh. a couple ate in the grill room 1-2 times a month. the husband would get so drunk he would either pass out or lay his head down where his plate was. the server would ask the wife if she wanted dessert then the server would ask the husband and just like that he would pop up and order apple pie. and plop right back down.
and there would be once a year a family of older brothers, sisters and cousins would come in and celebrate their dead brothers birthday. they brought a tape recording of him to play...ordered a dinner for him and bought and wrapped a present for the deceased. true story.


----------



## ldiat

what do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman????



FROSTBITE! get it? FROSTBITE!!:lol:
(sorry)


----------



## Totenfeier

What do you get when you cross vampire lore with an angst-ridden teenage love story?

...Nah, that'd never work.


----------



## Ingélou

As I get older and I remember all the people I’ve lost along the way, I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me after all.


----------



## Animal the Drummer

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving probably isn't for you.


----------



## TennysonsHarp

This is an old joke from the Soviet Union that I encountered in a book of Russian jokes:

At a camp in Siberia, a man is about to be executed by firing squad. Before the shooting, the guards give him a cigarette and ask him what he would like for his last meal. 

"I want to eat a big bowl of strawberries and cream," the man says.

"Strawberries and cream? In Siberia in the winter? That'll take months!"

"I can wait."


----------



## Taplow

Not sure if this has already been offered, but a riddle for our viola-joke lovers:

Q: Why do viola players always hang around outside people's houses?

A: Because they can't find the key and don't know when to come in.


----------



## geralmar

Gordontrek said:


> Alternatives to "you know what really grinds my gears?"
> 
> You know what really burns my toast?
> You know what really writes my parking ticket?
> You know what really stains my carpet?
> You know what really haunts my house?
> You know what really slashes my tires?
> You know what really invades my country?
> You know what really crashes my hard drive?
> You know what really toothpastes my orange juice?
> You know what really wets my sandwich?


The one I keep hearing on TV:

... frosts my weenie?


----------



## ldiat

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"Do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."


----------



## Pugg

Nurse: ”Doctor, the patient has gotten a hold of the computer again and is writing nonsense on a forum. What should we do?”

Doctor: ”Get the tranquillizer gun ready and put on a pot of coffee. It’s going to be a long night.”


----------



## KenOC

TennysonsHarp said:


> "I want to eat a big bowl of strawberries and cream," the man says.
> 
> "Strawberries and cream? In Siberia in the winter? That'll take months!"
> 
> "I can wait."


This story is the same as the one about the origin of Hangtown Fry in Placerville (earlier called Hangtown) in the Sierra mountains in California during the gold rush. Hangtown Fry involves oysters and eggs, and for the record is quite good. Supposedly the condemned had a good long reprieve.


----------



## Barbebleu

Frankenstein's wife: You never help round the house Frank, not even with dinner.

Frankenstein: well, I did the mash!

Wife: Don't you dare Frank, don't you dare!


----------



## ldiat

Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture and bagged six big bucks. The pilot came back, as arranged, to pick them up. They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected and he said,

"The plane can only take four of your elk; you will have to leave two behind."

They argued with him; the year before they had shot six and the pilot had allowed them to put all aboard. The plane was the same model and capacity. Reluctantly, the pilot finally permitted them to put all six aboard. But when the attempted to take off and leave the valley, the little plane could not make it and they crashed into the wilderness. Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the other,

"Do you know where we are?"

"I think so," replied the other hunter. "I think this is about the same place where we landed last year!"


----------



## ldiat

My daughter went to a local fast food joint and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg


----------



## Ingélou

Patient 1: “Why did you run away from the operation table?”

Patient 2: “The nurse was repeatedly saying ‘don’t get nervous’, ‘don’t be afraid’, ‘be strong’, ‘this is a small operation only’, things like that.”

Patient 1: “So what was wrong in that? Why were you so afraid?”

Patient 2: “She was talking to the surgeon!”


----------



## Ingélou

Dentist: "How did you lose your three teeth?"

Patient: "My wife prepared the pancakes and they were very hard to eat."

Dentist: "Then you could have refused to eat them."

Patient: "I did refuse to eat them. Hence, I lost my three teeth."


----------



## Dan Ante

Ingélou said:


> Patient 1: "Why did you run away from the operation table?"
> 
> Patient 2: "The nurse was repeatedly saying 'don't get nervous', 'don't be afraid', 'be strong', 'this is a small operation only', things like that."
> 
> Patient 1: "So what was wrong in that? Why were you so afraid?"
> 
> Patient 2: "She was talking to the surgeon!"


I remember when I was in hospital and the man opposite was having a Hip replacement, the porter came to wheel him to the opp theatre and said to the man "Off we go then and don't worry about any thing this Surgeon has just joined the team and this will be his first shoulder replacement but it should be fine" we all knew he was joking but the poor fellow in the bed took a while to catch on, poor devil.
This is true.


----------



## Luchesi

Q: What happens when frogs park illegally? 

A: They get toad.


----------



## Luchesi

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you want to hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it’s only fair - given that you’re blind - that you should know five things...
1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 120 kg blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.
5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
...Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?" The blind man thinks for a second then shakes his head.
"Nah. Not if I'm going to have to explain it five times."


----------



## Totenfeier

Two friends go fishing in a small rented boat and pull in a huge catch.

One of them says, "Hey, look at how many fish we caught! We need to put a mark right here on the side of the boat so we'll know where to fish tomorrow!"

His friend says, "You complete idiot! That won't work!"

The first guy says, "OH, yeah? Why not, if you're so smart?"

His friend says, "Think about it just a minute...how do we know we'll get the same boat tomorrow?"


----------



## TennysonsHarp

A man is walking through a cemetery in Vienna and stumbles upon Beethoven's grave. He's very surprised to see Beethoven sitting up in his coffin, tearing his manuscripts to shreds.

"Excuse me, Herr Beethoven, but what on earth are you doing?"

Beethoven replies: "Can't you see, I'm _decomposing!"_


----------



## LezLee

GARDEN SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS... 

Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why.
A couple in Sweetwater, Texas , had a lot of potted plants. During a cold spell, the wife was bringing some indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.
It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. It warmed up, slithered out and the wife, seeing it go under the sofa, let out a loud scream
The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.
He got down on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, screamed and fell on the floor.
His wife thought he had had a heart attack, covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.
The attendants rushed in, wouldn’t listen to his protests, loaded him on a stretcher, and started carrying him out.
About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa, the paramedic saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.
The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house and called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.
But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.
The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.
The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed him on the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.
The noise woke the woman from her faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, and assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went fetched a bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.
By now, the police had arrived.
Breathe here...
They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!
The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.
Now, the little snake crawled out from under the sofa and one of the cops drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of table which fell over, the lamp on it shattered, the bulb broke and it started a fire in the drapes.
The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.
Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).
Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.
A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.........


----------



## Animal the Drummer

What was the first pirate ship?

Noah's Arrrrrrrrrrrrk.


----------



## TxllxT

A couple of pensionados came out of a supermarket. On the parking lot they saw a police agent writing a ticket. Immediately they went to him. Curiously they asked: 'Why are you doing that?' The police agent didn't answer, but started to write a new ticket. 'Well, well, now what is that good for?' The police man's face turned red. Without a word he began to write again a new ticket. This exchange went on & on. All of a sudden one of the pensionados said: 'Hey, our omnibus has arrived!'


----------



## TxllxT

-- Lydia, you've eaten all my _Kinder_!!
-- But now, I'm full of surprise!


----------



## LezLee

All of the bodily organs are deciding who should be in charge:

"I should be in charge," said the brain , "I run all the body's systems, without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the heart , "I circulate oxygen and nutrients all over."

"No! I should be in charge," said the stomach, "I process the food that gives us energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs, "without me the body couldn't go anywhere."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "I allow the body to see where it goes." 
"I should be in charge," said the anus, "I am responsible for waste removal."

All of the other body parts laughed at the anus and insulted him. So he shut down. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the heart pumped toxic blood. They all decided that the anus should be the boss.
What is the moral of the story? Even though everybody else does all the work, the **** hole is usually in charge.


----------



## hpowders

It took me exactly 4'33" to realize I did not want to be at the Thanksgiving table with my adoring relatives.


----------



## Dan Ante

LezLee said:


> All of the bodily organs are deciding who should be in charge:
> 
> "I should be in charge," said the brain , "I run all the body's systems, without me nothing would happen."
> 
> "I should be in charge," said the heart , "I circulate oxygen and nutrients all over."
> 
> "No! I should be in charge," said the stomach, "I process the food that gives us energy."
> 
> "I should be in charge," said the legs, "without me the body couldn't go anywhere."
> 
> "I should be in charge," said the eyes, "I allow the body to see where it goes."
> "I should be in charge," said the anus, "I am responsible for waste removal."
> 
> All of the other body parts laughed at the anus and insulted him. So he shut down. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the heart pumped toxic blood. They all decided that the anus should be the boss.
> What is the moral of the story? Even though everybody else does all the work, the **** hole is usually in charge.


You better hope none of the mods reads this


----------



## TxllxT

Dan Ante said:


> You better hope none of the mods reads this


I guess it has to do with the four **** instead of three ***


----------



## LezLee

TxllxT said:


> I guess it has to do with the four **** instead of three ***


I copied it as the spelt out word (UK) but it arrived here asterisked !


----------



## Dan Ante

LezLee said:


> I copied it as the spelt out word (UK) but it arrived here asterisked !


Artificial intelligence eh, and they propose driverless cars Ha Ha.


----------



## KenOC

A blind man walks into a female biker's bar. He says, “Hey, you guys want to hear a blonde joke?”

Lady behind the bar says, “Friend, we have five blondes here, including myself. Marta knows aikido and three separate death hits. Anna, Cheyenne, and Magna are all black belts. And I’m a past cage match champion but had to give it up because I crippled too many people. Now, are you sure you still want to tell your blonde joke?”

Blind guy says, “No, I guess not. I’d hate having to explain it five times.”


----------



## Totenfeier

Warning: this is a joke I cobbled together from some spare parts. Enter at your own risk.

Rene Descartes and a blonde are sitting at a bar having beers. The bartender asks Descartes, "Would you like another?"

Descartes replies, "I think not," and promptly disappears.

The bartender moves on to the blonde: "Would you like another?"

The blonde replies, "I think not."

The bartender says, "Yeah, I know."


----------



## ArtMusic

This joke is just a question: 

What did Beethoven say to John Cage after _4'33"_?


----------



## Totenfeier

"By Jove, I think we've got it! Call a Zen master!"

No...wait. There would be _no_ hands clapping after 4'33".


----------



## ArtMusic

What did Beethoven say to John cage after _4'33"_?

I could not hear anything.


----------



## TxllxT

ArtMusic said:


> What did Beethoven say to John cage after _4'33"_?
> 
> I could not hear anything.


Or:
"Probably I'm turning deaf".


----------



## Donata

lol!


----------



## KenOC

ArtMusic said:


> What did Beethoven say to John cage after _4'33"_?


"Hey, that sounds just like _my _stuff!"


----------



## TxllxT

A Russian guy returned home by train after having sat out his jail sentence. In the compartment there were 3 Georgians: two on the couch down and one on the bed up. After some time the two Georgians said: "We go out for a smoke" and they left the compartment. The Russian guy sat back. All of sudden there was a noise: the Georgian from the top bed fell down. With his head he hit the table below. He was dead. The Russian guy was in a panic. He had just left the jail and now this happened."What to do? What to do?!" He opened the window and got rid of the body. Then the two Georgians returned. "Hey, you, where is our friend?", they asked. The Russian guy answered: "Well, he went after you for a smoke". "How 'after us'?!?" "We went to Tblisi for his burial".


----------



## EddieRUKiddingVarese

ArtMusic said:


> What did Beethoven say to John cage after _4'33"_?
> 
> I could not hear anything.


Or where is the tonic?


----------



## ldiat

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.

The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.


----------



## ldiat

So the wife is buggin' her hubby about always leaving her home when he goes deer hunting and insists he teach her and take her with him. So she gets her license, practices at the range and gets a deer tag along with her hubby. Opening morning, the hubby sets her up on one stand and he says, "ok honey, i'll just be about 75yds in another stand" and he leaves her to get set up. No sooner does he get to his stand and "BOOM!" ... a shot rings out. He thinks, oh gosh, beginner's luck and runs to his wifey. As he approaches, he can see his wife pointing her rifle at a guy andyelling out to him, "That's my deer, you stay away from it, I shot it!".... then he hears the guy say, "OK OK lady, fine, it's YOUR DEER! Just let me get my saddle!"


----------



## ArtMusic

What did Xenakis say to John Cage after _4'33"_?

It's not noisy enough.


----------



## ldiat

PUNS: 
1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi. 

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian . 

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still. 

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption. 

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery. 

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering. 

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. 

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie. 

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.. The police are looking into it. 

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me. 

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.' 

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. 

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. 

17. A backward poet writes inverse. 

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes. 

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion. 

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine . 

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.' 

22.Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!' 

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. 

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' 
The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.' 

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.


----------



## Animal the Drummer

Today's horoscope said my ex might reappear.

I walked down to the river and thankfully there was no sign of her.


----------



## ldiat

A Scottish mother visits her son in his New York City apartment and asks, "How do you find the Americans, Donald?"

"Mother," says Donald, "they’re such noisy people. One neighbor won’t stop banging his head against the wall, while the other screams and screams all night long."

"Oh, Donald! How do you manage to put up with them?"

"What can I do? I just lie in bed quietly, playing my bagpipes."


----------



## Flamme

Haydn man said:


> Old bull and a young bull in field full of cows
> Young bull says 'hey, let's run over there and make love to a few of those cows'
> Old bull replies 'no, let's walk over and do it to them all'


Heard this many times but never understood...


----------



## LezLee

A woman was enjoying a good game of golf with her girlfriends. "Oh, no!" she suddenly exclaimed. "Look at the time! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He'll be so annoyed if it's not ready on time."

When she got home, she discovered all she had in the fridge was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food.. With no time to go to the supermarket, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf.
She greeted her husband warmly when he came home, and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, he seemed to be enjoying it.

"Darling, this is the best dinner you've made me in 40 years of marriage! You can make this for me any day?"

Needless to say, every golf day from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her golf partners about it, and they were all horrified. "You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed.

Two months later, her husband died. The women were sitting around the clubhouse, and one of them said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly knowing you murdered your husband?"

The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the window sill while he was licking his ****."


----------



## TxllxT

Russian joke.

A pastry is sitting inside a stomach. All of a sudden something wet pours down from above. What is it? A vodka, drunk to Ivan Ivanich. After some time another wet pours down and another and another: vodka, drunk to Ivan Ivanich. The pastry says: Well, I'm going to have a look who in the world is Ivan Ivanich...


----------



## AlanB

Patient : I’m not feeling myself today.
Doctor : Well that’s one bad habit cured.

Did you hear about the man who had his house built backwards.


----------



## hpowders

Which form of torture do you prefer, queried the ISIS general: Getting bitten by a mon-o' war or listening to one of Wagner's mon-o-logues? (You may call a friend to help you decide).


----------



## ldiat

A local policeman had just finished his shift one cold November evening and was at home with his wife.

"You just won't believe what happened this evening, in all my years on the force I've never seen anything like it."

"Oh yes dear, what happened?"

"I came across two guys down by the canal, one of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks."

"Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!! What did you do with them?"

"Oh that was easy, I charged one and let the other off."


----------



## Dan Ante

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas and when that's gone I'll drink the red.


----------



## EddieRUKiddingVarese

My wife got a mud pack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off........


----------



## EddieRUKiddingVarese

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: ”Pint please, and one for the road.”


----------



## EddieRUKiddingVarese

I just got a new car for my girlfriend. Good trade!


----------



## hpowders

Companion animal? No thanks. I have a spouse.


----------



## Ingélou

Came into my mind just now - the man who died because he had an infirm grasp of English language usage.

He fell into a canal and felt despondent as to his fate. But instead of using the simple future tense - 'I shall drown, and no-one will save me' - he accidentally used the jussive mood:
'I *will* drown, and no-one *shall *save me!'

So they respected his wishes and didn't throw him a life buoy...


----------



## Totenfeier

Ingélou said:


> Came into my mind just now - the man who died because he had an infirm grasp of English language usage.
> 
> He fell into a canal and felt despondent as to his fate. But instead of using the simple future tense - 'I shall drown, and no-one will save me' - he accidentally used the jussive mood:
> 'I *will* drown, and no-one *shall *save me!'
> 
> So they respected his wishes and didn't throw him a life buoy...


I am so _not_ going to use this with my students, because they wouldn't give a flying leap. But _I_ like it.


----------



## LezLee

Angels......AS EXPLAINED BY CHILDREN
I only know the names of two angels, Hark and Harold. - Gregory, age 5 
Everybody's got it all wrong. Angels don’t wear halos anymore. I forget why, but scientists are working on it - Olive, age 9
It's not easy to become an angel! First, you die. Then you go to Heaven, and then there's still the flight training to go through. And then you got to agree to wear those angel clothes. - Matthew, age 9 

Angels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go do something else.
- Mitchell
My guardian angel helps me with math, but he's not much good for science. 
- Henry, age 8

Angels don't eat, but they drink milk from Holy Cows!!! - Jack, age 6

Angels talk all the way while they're flying you up to heaven. The main subject is where you went wrong before you got dead. - Daniel, age 9 

When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And when he lets out his breath again, somewhere there's a tornado. - Reagan

Angels have a lot to do and they keep very busy. If you lose a tooth, an angel comes in through your window and leaves money under your pillow. Then, when it gets cold, angels go south for the winter. - Sara, age 6
Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his Son, who's a very good carpenter. 
- Jared 
All angels are girls because they gotta wear dresses, and boys didn't go for it. 
- Antonio, age 9
My angel is my grandma who died last year. She got a big head start on helping me while she was still down here on earth. - Ashley, age 9
Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal sick animals and pets. And if they don't make the animals get better, they help the child get over it. 
- Vicki, age 8

Hope these aren’t too twee for you!


----------



## EddieRUKiddingVarese

How do you know if you've died and gone to Hell? The banjos are in tune with the bagpipes!


----------



## ldiat

A blonde describing her recent window replacement with a friend.

Last year, I replaced, like, all the windows in my house with those 
expensive, double-pane,energy-efficient kind.
Today, I, like, got a call from the contractor who installed them.
He complained that the work had been completed a year ago. and I still 
hadn't, like, paid for them. OMG! Hellooo... Just because I'm blonde doesn't 
mean that I'm, like, automatically stupid.
So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year -- 
that these windows would, like, pay for themselves in a year.
Hellooo? It's been a year, so they're, like, paid for, I told him.
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up.
He never called back.
I bet he felt like an idiot.


----------



## ldiat

this is long but funny:lol:

"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in... I was assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."


Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. 
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. 
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy. 

CHILI # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. 
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers. 
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting red-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4=2 0- BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. 
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. 
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. Woman is starting to look HOT ... Just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement. 
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. 

CHILI # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb. 
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. 
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. 
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. 
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 -- No report.
__________________


----------



## KenOC

As a chili aficionado, I thought that was pretty funny.


----------



## EddieRUKiddingVarese

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? 
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following: 

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. 
So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely.. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. 
Therefore, no souls are leaving. 
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of 
their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. 
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. 
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because 
Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in 
Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities: 
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So, which is it? 
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. 
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore extinct, leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'


----------



## LezLee

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember .. 
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?' 
'Sure.' 
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks. 
'No, I can remember it.' 
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?' 
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.' 
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks. 
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!' 
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast?”
....................................................................................................

A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.' 
'Really,' answered the neighbour. 'What kind is it?' 
'Twelve thirty.' 
...........................................................................................
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. 
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. 
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' 
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.' 

..............................................................................

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool...
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?' 
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'


----------



## TxllxT

- The doctor comes to the patient and shows him the röngten photo.
- Well, that's too bad; the röngten shows, that you've got a broken back.
- But never mind, we've got it repaired... by means of photoshop.


----------



## Taplow

An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into a bar. And the barman says, "What is this, some kind of a joke?"


----------



## EddieRUKiddingVarese

Father: “Son, you were adopted.”

Son: “What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!”

Father: “We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes.”


----------



## Barbebleu

Donald Trump is giving a speech at a big convention. As he stands alone at the lectern the secret service men are looking around checking the place out. One of them spots a lone gunman on the balcony and starts to shout into his Walkie-talkie, "Mickey Mouse, Mickey Mouse, Mickey Mouse!"

A shot rings out and down goes the president, dead as a doornail.

At the debrief they question the secret serviceman, "What the hell was it with shouting out Mickey Mouse out there?"

"Well" he replied " I was so confused I meant to shout out - Donald duck, Donald duck, Donald duck"


----------



## Barbebleu

EddieRUKiddingVarese said:


> How do you know if you've died and gone to Hell? The banjos are in tune with the bagpipes!


Oooh. This means war. Anyway I know you really meant the banjos are in tune with the accordions!


----------



## EddieRUKiddingVarese

Barbebleu said:


> Oooh. This means war. Anyway I know you really meant the banjos are in tune with the accordions!


Call it a preemptive strike but no talk of didgeridoos please


----------



## EddieRUKiddingVarese

Judge: “Why did you steal the car?” 

Man: “I had to get to work.”

Judge: “Why didn’t you take the bus?”

Man: I don’t have a driver’s license for the bus.


----------



## Totenfeier

Barbebleu said:


> Donald Trump is giving a speech at a big convention. As he stands alone at the lectern the secret service men are looking around checking the place out. One of them spots a lone gunman on the balcony and starts to shout into his Walkie-talkie, "Mickey Mouse, Mickey Mouse, Mickey Mouse!"
> 
> A shot rings out and down goes the president, dead as a doornail.
> 
> At the debrief they question the secret serviceman, "What the hell was it with shouting out Mickey Mouse out there?"
> 
> "Well" he replied " I was so confused I meant to shout out - Donald duck, Donald duck, Donald duck"


He wasn't confused.


----------



## ldiat

A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks,

"What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies,

"Just looking around."


----------



## TxllxT

Very old Jewish joke:
Somewhere on the Atlantic two passenger ships pass each other closely. One ship is heading from New York towards Europe & Russia, the other is heading from Russia & Europe towards New York. While both ships pass each other, all the passengers on both ships wave & point towards the passengers on the other ship, while making the sign with one finger ticking on the temple of their head, as if all were saying: 'you're nuts!'


----------



## ldiat

funny "joke of the day"


----------



## Luchesi

A blonde walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan.

The banker asks, "Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?"

The woman says, "Yes, of course. I'll use my Rolls Royce."

The banker, stunned, asks, "A $250,000 Rolls Royce? Really?"

The woman is completely positive. She hands over the keys, as the bankers and loan officers laugh at her. They check her credentials, make sure she is the title owner. Everything checks out. They park it in their underground garage.

After 2 weeks she comes back from her trip, she pays off the $5,000 loan as well as the $15.41 interest.

The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very appreciative of your business with us, but I have one question. We looked you up and found out that you are a multi-millionaire. Why would you want to borrow $5,000?"

The woman replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"


----------



## ldiat

The cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance policy. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions.

"Ever have an accident?"

"Nope, nary a one."

"None? You've never had any accidents?"

"Nope. Ain't never had one. Never."

"Well, you said on this form you were bit by a snake once. Wouldn't you consider that an accident?"

"Heck, no. That dang varmint bit me on purpose."


----------



## ldiat

A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him.

He asked his father, "How does this boat float?"

The father replied, "Don't rightly know son."

A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, "How do fish breath underwater?"

Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know son."

A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"

Again, the father replied. "Don't rightly know son."

Finally, the boy asked his father, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"

The father replied, "Of course not, you don't ask questions, you never learn nothin'."


----------



## EddieRUKiddingVarese




----------



## Totenfeier

An eccentric billionaire was going to give a themed dinner party one Saturday night, so he called together his kitchen staff.

"O.K," he said. "This party is going to have as its theme the heavily ornate decorative style in architecture, art and music characteristic of the late seventeenth into early eighteenth centuries, so I want you to create a menu of items from that era as well."

The head chef replied, "Sir, could you give us a clearer idea of exactly what sort of dishes you have in mind?"

The billionaire responded, "It's not all that difficult. I want you to prepare any kind of dish that might have been enjoyed by dinner guests from that period, and do not include foods from any other time period."

The chef, obviously still confused, began, "Sir, I truly desire to accommodate your wishes, but perhaps a bit more guidance..."

The plutocrat explodes, "Look! I'll make it reeeeal simple for you! IF IT AIN'T BAROQUE, DON'T FIX IT!"


----------



## Nate Miller

guy walks into a pet shop...all the animals are playing instruments. The puppies are playing the brass section, kittens are playing winds, the parrots are all playing strings....the guy is amazed

then he spots a grey Cockatiel perched on top of his cage, not playing anything

he says to the shop owner, "Does that grey cockatiel play anything?"

the shop owner says, "funny, I've never actually seen him play a single note, but all the other animals call him "Maestro"!


----------



## EddieRUKiddingVarese

Don't ever use "beef stew" for a password!

It's not stroganoff.


----------



## ldiat

Totenfeier said:


> An eccentric billionaire was going to give a themed dinner party one Saturday night, so he called together his kitchen staff.
> 
> "O.K," he said. "This party is going to have as its theme the heavily ornate decorative style in architecture, art and music characteristic of the late seventeenth into early eighteenth centuries, so I want you to create a menu of items from that era as well."
> 
> The head chef replied, "Sir, could you give us a clearer idea of exactly what sort of dishes you have in mind?"
> 
> The billionaire responded, "It's not all that difficult. I want you to prepare any kind of dish that might have been enjoyed by dinner guests from that period, and do not include foods from any other time period."
> 
> The chef, obviously still confused, began, "Sir, I truly desire to accommodate your wishes, but perhaps a bit more guidance..."
> 
> The plutocrat explodes, "Look! I'll make it reeeeal simple for you! IF IT AIN'T BAROQUE, DON'T FIX IT!"


(dummy a** chef)


----------



## ldiat

EddieRUKiddingVarese said:


> Don't ever use "beef stew" for a password!
> 
> It's not stroganoff.


----------



## Roger Knox

What does the Army call a ghost?

_Esprit de_ corpse.


----------



## Luchesi

Why don't they allow prostitutes to hang out outside of prisons?

Because you should not end a sentence with a proposition.


----------



## ldiat

ok funny pic:lol::lol:


----------



## EddieRUKiddingVarese

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick-boxing.


----------



## TxllxT

I've been gaining quite some weight lately, because on the internet they constantly ask me to accept cookies, and I cannot say no.


----------



## KenOC

A man wanted to become a monk so he went to the monastery and talked to the head monk. The head monk said, “You must take a vow of silence and can only say two words every three years.”

The man agreed and after the first three years, the head monk came to him and said, “What are your two words?”

“Food cold!” the man replied.

Three more years went by and the head monk came to him and said “What are your two words?”

“Robe dirty!” the man exclaimed.

Three more years went by and the head monk came to him and said, “What are your two words?”

“I quit!” said the man.

“Well,” the head monk replied, “I’m not surprised. You've done nothing but complain ever since you got here!”


----------



## Luchesi

A venerated old Zen master once told me, "Do the opposite of what I tell you."

So I didn't..


----------



## EddieRUKiddingVarese

"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
---Oscar Wilde


----------



## hpowders

Why does Trump have three billion dollars?

Because his daddy staked him with seventeen billion dollars.


----------



## Kjetil Heggelund

Have you heard about the boy bunny who went up to the girl bunny and said do you want something good was it good?


----------



## KenOC

A probate attorney sits down with the family of a recently deceased millionaire for the reading of the will.

‘To my loving wife, Abby, who always stood by me, I leave the house, yacht and three million dollars,’ the attorney reads.

‘To my darling daughter, Kimberley, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave the special car collection, the business and 2 million dollars.’

‘And finally,’ the lawyer concludes, ‘to my cousin Frederick, who hated me, argued with me and thought I would never mention him in my will.’

‘Well, you were wrong. Hi Frederick!’


----------



## KenOC

A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his former accountant.

The Godfather asks the accountant, “Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?” The accountant does not answer. 

The Godfather asks again, “Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?” 

The attorney interrupts, “Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you.” 

The Godfather says, “Well ask him where my damn money is!” The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars is. 

The accountant signs back, “I don’t know what you are talking about.” 

The attorney interprets to the Godfather, “He doesn’t know what you are talking about.” 

The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, “Ask him again where my damn money is!” 

The attorney signs to the accountant, “He wants to know where it is!” 

The accountant signs back, “OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!” 

The Godfather says, “Well….what did he say?” 

The attorney interprets to the Godfather, “He says…go to hell… ..that you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger.”


----------



## hpowders

What do you call a day when TC crashes and burns?

Monday.


----------



## znapschatz

While out for a walk in a rural area, a hiker passed by a barnyard where a farmer was doing his chores, when he spied a pig with a wooden leg. Much intrigued, he approached the farmer and asked how that came about. 

"Listen," replied the farmer,"That is some pig. Once, when Timmie fell down the well, he came running to the house, banged on the door with his snout, and when I answered it, he grabbed hold of my pants leg and tugged on it until I realized he wanted me to come with him, and we got to the well in time to save Timmie from drowning."

"Well, yeah," said the man,"But what about the wooden leg?"

"Wait till you hear this," said the farmer. "When the original house caught fire one night while we were all asleep, the pig managed to force his way in, and went from room to room to wake us up, and thanks to him, we all got out safely."

"Okay," said the hiker," Now, how about the wooden leg?"

"And another time," continued the farmer, "The tractor overturned and I was pinned under it, badly hurt, and nobody around to help. The pig raced a mile to our nearest neighbors and somehow got them to follow him back to the field, where they pulled me out, probably saved my life."

"Wooden leg?" asked the hiker.

"Well," said the farmer, "A pig like that, you don't eat all at once."


----------



## Marinera

EddieRUKiddingVarese said:


> "Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
> ---Oscar Wilde


Same goes both ways. My paternal grandfather and maternal great-grandfather, both of whom lived several years at the same time as Oscar Wilde, would've strongly disagreed with the last part of the statement. Both of them loved their wives very much, while great grandfather's love for great grand mother is rather legendary in our family. Though those were happy marriages and this statement unfortunately reflects bitter relationships where one or both sides feel like this. Quite sad really.


----------



## SixFootScowl

Marinera said:


> Same goes both ways. My paternal grandfather and maternal great-grandfather, both of whom lived several years at the same time as Oscar Wilde, would've strongly disagreed with the last part of the statement. Both of them loved their wives very much, while great grandfather's love for great grand mother is rather legendary in our family. Though those were happy marriages and this statement unfortunately reflects bitter relationships where one or both sides feel like this. Quite sad really.


Probably the saddest part is that many, many marriages fit the last part, when in the beginning, it was never intended to be that way.


----------



## EddieRUKiddingVarese

^, ^^ wow lighten up guys and gals anyone for Golf


----------



## Marinera

^

Well this is sad but true, even if it's not in an appropriate format.

Speaking of the lightening up

“Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? 'Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is share the love. Beep.' 'Uh, yeah, this is the VD clinic… speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love.” 
― Andy Rooney


----------



## Ingélou

I got these from a non-music site that I belong to. My apologies if they've already been posted:

*Fred, not known among his friends for his perspicacity, rang his mate Jack to say that he'd just got a great bargain - "Jack, this coat should have been two hundred pounds, but I got it for fifty." 
"Fred, that does sound like a bargain. But have you checked it thoroughly?"
"Yes, I have, Jack,' replied Fred, sounding faintly peeved. 'And I can tell you that the only thing I've found is that one of the sleeves is slightly longer than the other two."*

*The woman at the job centre said, "You're always late, you ignore the queue and you are really rude."
I said, "What's your point?" 
She said, "Have you thought of becoming a bus driver?"
*
*A well-respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work.
As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang. 
The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.
"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.
"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.
As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"
"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, three doctors are there already!"*


----------



## KenOC

Veron comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He’s got two large bags over his shoulders.

The guard stops him and says, “What’s in the bags?”

“Sand and pebbles,” answered Veron.

The guard says, “We’ll just see about that. Get off the bike!”

The guard takes the bags and rips them apart, he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand and pebbles.

He detains Veron overnight and has the sand and pebbles analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand and pebbles in two bags.

The guard releases Veron, puts the sand and pebbles into new bags, hefts them onto the man’s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

The next day, the same thing happens.

The guard asks, “What have you got?”

“Sand and pebbles,”replies Veron.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand and pebbles.

He gives the sand back to Veron, and Veron crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events is repeated every day for six months.

Finally, Veron doesn’t show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.

“Hey, Buddy,” says the guard, “I know you are smuggling something. It makes me crazy. It’s all I think about… I can’t sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?”

Veron sips his tequila and says, “Bicycles.”


----------



## EdwardBast

Marinera said:


> Same goes both ways. My paternal grandfather and maternal great-grandfather, both of whom lived several years at the same time as Oscar Wilde, would've strongly disagreed with the last part of the statement. Both of them loved their wives very much, while great grandfather's love for great grand mother is rather legendary in our family. Though those were happy marriages and this statement unfortunately reflects bitter relationships where one or both sides feel like this. Quite sad really.


I don't get it. Is that funny where you live?


----------



## Marinera

^
I did not intend that to be funny and it's few days old ancient history now.


----------



## Barbebleu

Fritz Kobus said:


> Probably the saddest part is that many, many marriages fit the last part, when in the beginning, it was never intended to be that way.


I was under the impression this was the stupid jokes thread! (See posts 811 and 818).
Oscar was, I think, being his usual witty self.

Incidentally I just finished an excellent book called 'Fell Off The Balcony' by Eileen Dover!


----------



## Barbebleu

A baby polar bear says to his mum 'Mum, what kind of bear am I?' His mum replies ' Why son, you're a polar bear.'
A few days later the baby polar bear says 'Mum, are you sure I'm a polar bear?'
'Absolutely son, you are a polar bear.'
A few more days pass and the baby polar bear asks again,'Mum, are you absolutely sure I'm a polar bear?'
Exasperated and puzzled the mum replies 'Yes son, without a shadow of a doubt you're a polar bear. Why do you keep asking?'
The baby polar bear looks at his mum and says 'Because I'm bloody freezing'.


----------



## SixFootScowl

Barbebleu said:


> I was under the impression this was the stupid jokes thread! Oscar was, I think, being his usual witty self. Incidentally I just finished an excellent book called 'Fell Off The Balcony' by Eileen Dover!


Right, we went off topic a bit, but it would not be the first time a thread went off topic. In fact, we may have spoiled one of the few threads on TC that ever stayed on topic.


----------



## KenOC

A blonde and a redhead met for dinner after work and were watching the 6 o’clock news on TV. A young man was shown threatening to jump from the Fourth Road Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead 50 bucks that he wouldn’t jump, and the redhead replied, “I’ll take that bet!”

Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the 50 bucks she owned. The redhead said, “I can’t take this, you’re my friend.” The blonde said, “No. A bet’s a bet.”

So the redhead said, “Listen, I have to admit, I saw this whole thing on the 5 o’clock news, so I can’t take your money.”

The blonde responded, “Well, so did I, but I never thought he’d jump again!”


----------



## Taggart

An incident that took place in a school music lesson recently. The teacher had just handed out sheet music of a piece written in the key of G major …

Teacher: "Can anyone tell me the name of the key that this piece was written in?"

Pupil: "F hash tag!"

(Technically the sharp sign is not the same as the hashtag sign, as the latter is more diagonal - however!)


----------



## SixFootScowl

Which lovers make the best musicians.


----------



## KenOC

A man goes to a pet store in order to buy himself an exotic bird. He tells the clerk, “You know I’ve had a number of pet birds in my life and now I’m looking for something really special. Have you anything I might like?”

“Yes sir, I do. I have a South American parrot rumored to have a vocabulary of over 400 words. He can talk about the weather, about sports, and about politics. But I might add, he is very expensive.”

“Well, he sounds just perfect. Why don’t you bring him out here?”

The clerk goes into the back room and brings out an exquisite green bird with bright feathers and a dark, golden beak. He sets the bird on a perch and excuses himself to take care of another customer in another part of the shop.

The man looks at the bird and starts talking to it in the usual way, “Pretty bird, pretty bird, Polly want a cracker?”

The bird replies in such beautiful English the man can hardly believe his ears. They have a conversation about the recent rains, they talk about the latest bills in Congress, and even talk about the latest Super Bowl. The man is dumbfounded.

“I’ll take him,” he calls out to the clerk. “I’ll take him home with me today.”

“Very good, sir,” says the clerk. 

They conclude the transaction and the man walks out with the parrot on his shoulder.

As soon as they get to the man’s home, the bird goes into a loud tirade of profanity. One four-letter word after another. On and on without end. The man can’t believe it.

“Look, bird, you didn’t do any of this in the shop. I have guests coming over tonight. Don’t you dare embarrass me with this kind of language.”

The bird continues on and on with the profane cursing.

The man gets fed up and throws the parrot into his freezer. That will quiet him down, thinks the man. Sure enough, within a minute or two, the bird has gone completely silent. The man opens the freezer and the bird takes a deep bow.

“Forgive me sir, I will never talk like that again. I just do not know what got it to me.”

The man is satisfied and motions for the bird to perch on his shoulder and the man goes about his business.

A few minutes later the bird leans over to his ear and asks quietly, “Can I ask you a question?”

“Sure, what is it?”

“Uh, what exactly did the chicken do?”


----------



## Barbebleu

I was walking past a cafe and it had a sign in the window that said 'Breakfast served anytime'. So I went in and ordered French toast during the Renaissance. (With thanks to Steven Wright!)


----------



## Pat Fairlea

KenOC said:


> A man goes to a pet store in order to buy himself an exotic bird. He tells the clerk, "You know I've had a number of pet birds in my life and now I'm looking for something really special. Have you anything I might like?"
> 
> "Yes sir, I do. I have a South American parrot rumored to have a vocabulary of over 400 words. He can talk about the weather, about sports, and about politics. But I might add, he is very expensive."
> 
> "Well, he sounds just perfect. Why don't you bring him out here?"
> 
> The clerk goes into the back room and brings out an exquisite green bird with bright feathers and a dark, golden beak. He sets the bird on a perch and excuses himself to take care of another customer in another part of the shop.
> 
> The man looks at the bird and starts talking to it in the usual way, "Pretty bird, pretty bird, Polly want a cracker?"
> 
> The bird replies in such beautiful English the man can hardly believe his ears. They have a conversation about the recent rains, they talk about the latest bills in Congress, and even talk about the latest Super Bowl. The man is dumbfounded.
> 
> "I'll take him," he calls out to the clerk. "I'll take him home with me today."
> 
> "Very good, sir," says the clerk.
> 
> They conclude the transaction and the man walks out with the parrot on his shoulder.
> 
> As soon as they get to the man's home, the bird goes into a loud tirade of profanity. One four-letter word after another. On and on without end. The man can't believe it.
> 
> "Look, bird, you didn't do any of this in the shop. I have guests coming over tonight. Don't you dare embarrass me with this kind of language."
> 
> The bird continues on and on with the profane cursing.
> 
> The man gets fed up and throws the parrot into his freezer. That will quiet him down, thinks the man. Sure enough, within a minute or two, the bird has gone completely silent. The man opens the freezer and the bird takes a deep bow.
> 
> "Forgive me sir, I will never talk like that again. I just do not know what got it to me."
> 
> The man is satisfied and motions for the bird to perch on his shoulder and the man goes about his business.
> 
> A few minutes later the bird leans over to his ear and asks quietly, "Can I ask you a question?"
> 
> "Sure, what is it?"
> 
> "Uh, what exactly did the chicken do?"


Superb! 
Mrs Pat temporarily helpless with mirth when I read it out to her.


----------



## Totenfeier

Barbebleu said:


> I was walking past a cafe and it had a sign in the window that said 'Breakfast served anytime'. So I went in and ordered French toast during the Renaissance. (With thanks to Steven Wright!)


Wright is one of the great originals. A favorite:

"I made instant coffee in the microwave oven and almost went back in time."


----------



## Barbebleu

They say that marriage is an honourable institution - but who wants to live in an institution?:lol:


----------



## EddieRUKiddingVarese

How do you make holy water, you boil the hell out of it


----------



## Luchesi

Q: Can February march? 

A: No, but April may.


----------



## KenOC

A blonde woman is down on her luck so she decides to kidnap a child to try to get some extra cash. She goes to a local park, grabs a kid and pulls him behind a tree. She writes a note that says: “I have kidnapped your kid. Please put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the big oak tree at Cedar Park.” Then she sticks the note on the kid and sends him home. 

The next day, just as she hoped, there’s a paper bag with $10,000 in it under the oak tree. There’s also a note inside that says, How could you do this to a fellow blonde?


----------



## TxllxT

A ninety year old woman feels that she has something not OK and goes to visit a doctor. She asks the doctor, whether he can do something for her. The doctor says: "Dear lady, even the best doctor in the world is not able to make you get younger". The woman angrily retorts: "Who is telling you I want to get younger? - I do not want to get younger! - I want to get older!"


----------



## TxllxT

Jewish joke
A Jew comes to his rabbi. 'Dear rabbi, lately I had a meeting with my friends. But after that meeting I noticed that my watch was stolen. What should I do?!' The rabbi answered: 'Well, I advice you to invite your friends again to dinner. During the dinner you will stand up and read up aloud the Ten Commandments. When you arrive at the eight commandment (Thou shalt not steal), you will look deeply into the face of each of your friends. The one who will start to blush: he's the one that has stolen your watch'. A few weeks pass by and the rabbi and the man happen to meet each other on the street. The rabbi asked: 'Well, did you get your watch back? Did someone start to blush?' 'Yes, but it went differently than you might think. I did invite all my friends again to dinner and on your advice I did stand up and started to read up aloud the Ten Commandments. But by the time I arrived at the seventh commandment I suddenly realised that I had forgotten my watch at the neighbour woman'.


----------



## ldiat

why did Helen Keller have purple hands and fingers???


----------



## Luchesi

Taggart said:


> An incident that took place in a school music lesson recently. The teacher had just handed out sheet music of a piece written in the key of G major …
> 
> Teacher: "Can anyone tell me the name of the key that this piece was written in?"
> 
> Pupil: "F hash tag!"
> 
> (Technically the sharp sign is not the same as the hashtag sign, as the latter is more diagonal - however!)


F double sharp?


----------



## hpowders

From the management: Please list your social security numbers on the new TC space provided on your profile pages. The Chinese hackers are complaining that members’ emails are not enough to manage successful identity thefts.


----------



## Luchesi

hpowders said:


> From the management: Please list your social security numbers on the new TC space provided on your profile pages. The Chinese hackers are complaining that members' emails are not enough to manage successful identity thefts.


As more and more devices are networked together, it makes it easier for hackers to manipulate them. Case in point: when some ambitious pranksters figured out how to get into electronic road signs in San Francisco in 2014, they re-programmed the messages to read "GODZILLA ATTACK - TURN BACK!" Thankfully, no accidents were caused by drivers fleeing giant radioactive lizards, but it still caused a lot of confusion.
….even before there were computers there were hackers. In 1903, a group of some of London's finest men gathered in the Royal Institution's lecture hall to witness the first-ever display of long-distance wireless telegraph designed by Guglielmo Marconi. But when the machine was fired up, it started tapping out an insulting poem about Marconi "diddling the public." The reason? The system had been hacked by magician and prankster Nevil Maskelyne, who figured out Marconi's method and devised a workaround to insult his rival.

He was quite a character, read about Nevil Maskelyne here;

https://www.newscientist.com/article/mg21228440-700-dot-dash-diss-the-gentleman-hackers-1903-lulz/


----------



## EddieRUKiddingVarese

what do ethiopians and yoko ono have in common?

they both live off of dead beatles.


----------



## EddieRUKiddingVarese

I was out for a drink with the wife last night and I said, "I love you". 
She asked me, "Is that you or the beer talking" 
I said, "It's me........I'm talking to the beer"!


----------



## hpowders

How to easily determine if you are a neurotic:

The position of the TC “Forum” heading from perfectly centered to its new position, way left of center, makes you very, very nervous.


----------



## hpowders

I’ve eaten so much rum cake over the years, my liver is the wurst.


----------



## KenOC

A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. He decides to test it at dinner.

Dad: Son, where were you today during school hours?
Son: At school
(robot slaps the son)

Okay, okay, I went to the movies!
Dad: Which one?
Son: Harry Potter
(robot slaps the son again)

Okay, alright, I was watching porno.
Dad: What? When I was your age I didn't even know what porno was!
(robot slaps Dad)

Mom: Hahahahaha! After all he _is _your son!
(robot slaps Mom)


----------



## hpowders

At my local bar, the dudes were having a very serious discussion. How did I know? They were speaking 12 tone English.


----------



## EddieRUKiddingVarese

A policeman stops a driver and says Congratulations you've won $500.00 for wearing a safety belt. What will you do with your winnings?

I don't know, probably pass the exam for a driving license the driver replied

Then his wife said Don't take any notice, he always talks like that when he's drunk.

Then the backseat passenger wakes up and says I told you that we wouldn't get far in a stolen car! Then a voice came from the trunk, have we crossed the border already?


----------



## Capeditiea

EddieRUKiddingVarese said:


> A policeman stops a driver and says Congratulations you've won $500.00 for wearing a safety belt. What will you do with your winnings?
> 
> I don't know, probably pass the exam for a driving license the driver replied
> 
> Then his wife said Don't take any notice, he always talks like that when he's drunk.
> 
> Then the backseat passenger wakes up and says I told you that we wouldn't get far in a stolen car! Then a voice came from the trunk, have we crossed the border already?


:O o my. ............................


----------



## KenOC

A guy goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, “What’ll it be mate?”

The guy says, “Set me up with eight tequila shots and make them doubles.” The bartender does this and watches the guy slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all eight are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he’s doing all this drinking.

“You’d drink them this fast too if you had what I have.”

The bartender asks, “What do you have mate?”

The guy says, “I have one dollar.”


----------



## KenOC

During the Napoleonic era, a British ship of the line is patrolling in the southern Mediterranean. The lookout calls down from the crow’s nest: “Captain! Pirate vessel approaching from the starboard!”

The captain turns to his lieutenant and says, “Bring me my red shirt.”

The lieutenant says, “Certainly sir. May I ask why?”

“It is so that if I am wounded and bleed, it will not be visible and the men will not lose heart.”

Just then the lookout calls down again, “Sir! Sir! There are twelve pirate vessels approaching!”

The captain again turns to his lieutenant and says, “And bring my brown pants.”


----------



## Capeditiea

KenOC said:


> During the Napoleonic era, a British ship of the line is patrolling in the southern Mediterranean. The lookout calls down from the crow's nest: "Captain! Pirate vessel approaching from the starboard!"
> 
> The captain turns to his lieutenant and says, "Bring me my red shirt."
> 
> The lieutenant says, "Certainly sir. May I ask why?"
> 
> "It is so that if I am wounded and bleed, it will not be visible and the men will not lose heart."
> 
> Just then the lookout calls down again, "Sir! Sir! There are twelve pirate vessels approaching!"
> 
> The captain again turns to his lieutenant and says, "And bring my brown pants."


...i haven't heard this one in a while. :3


----------



## TxllxT

A rabbi was told that three of his disciples were seen playing cards and smoking on Sabbath.
So he summoned them and asked the first disciple: 'Is it true that you were playing cards and smoking on Sabbath?'
The first disciple said: 'Yes rabbi, I'm very sorry; I forgot it was Sabbath'.
The rabbi put his hand over his heart and said: 'That's possible, I forgive you'.
Now he asked the second disciple: 'Is it true that you were playing cards and smoking on Sabbath?'
The second disciple said: 'Yes rabbi, I'm very sorry; I forgot that it is not allowed to play cards and smoke on Sabbath.'
The rabbi put his hand over his heart and said: 'That's possible, I forgive you'.
Now he asked the third disciple: 'And...You have also forgotten something?'
- 'Yes, I forgot to draw the curtains'.


----------



## hpowders

What’s the difference between my companion animal and my ex-wife?

About $1100 in alimony a month.


----------



## Marinera

hpowders said:


> How to easily determine if you are a neurotic:
> 
> The position of the TC "Forum" heading from perfectly centered to its new position, way left of center, makes you very, very nervous.


This test also can detect where your blind spot is. I only ever noticed the heading when it's off center


----------



## hpowders

Marinera said:


> This test also can detect where your blind spot is. I only ever noticed the heading when it's off center


That's a good point!!!


----------



## KenOC

A guy is driving, too fast, on a country road. A cop comes up from behind and pulls him over. “Sir, you are driving well over the posted limit. Please let me see your driver’s license and registration.”

“OK, no problem officer. They’re in the glove box. I’ll open it slow and easy since there’s a loaded revolver in there.”

“Sir, why are you driving with a loaded revolver?”

“Had to use it to kill a guy. His body’s in the trunk.”

Now the startled cop is on his radio, calling for immediate backup. A few minutes later a second cop car arrives. Two new cops get out and point their weapons at the driver.

“Sir, please open your glove compartment very slowly. Make no sudden moves.”

The guy opens his glove box. Nothing special there.

“Now, sir, get out of the car and very slowly open the trunk.”

The guy does so. Nothing there either.

The new cops are thoroughly mystified. One says, “But sir, the officer here said you were driving with a loaded gun and a dead body.”

The guy laughs. “And I suppose he said I was speeding, too!”


----------



## Capeditiea

KenOC said:


> A guy is driving, too fast, on a country road. A cop comes up from behind and pulls him over. "Sir, you are driving well over the posted limit. Please let me see your driver's license and registration."
> 
> "OK, no problem officer. They're in the glove box. I'll open it slow and easy since there's a loaded revolver in there."
> 
> "Sir, why are you driving with a loaded revolver?"
> 
> "Had to use it to kill a guy. His body's in the trunk."
> 
> Now the startled cop is on his radio, calling for immediate backup. A few minutes later a second cop car arrives. Two new cops get out and point their weapons at the driver.
> 
> "Sir, please open your glove compartment very slowly. Make no sudden moves."
> 
> The guy opens his glove box. Nothing special there.
> 
> "Now, sir, get out of the car and very slowly open the trunk."
> 
> The guy does so. Nothing there either.
> 
> The new cops are thoroughly mystified. One says, "But sir, the officer here said you were driving with a loaded gun and a dead body."
> 
> The guy laughs. "And I suppose he said I was speeding, too!"


:3 i gotta try this sometime... it may work.


----------



## Gaspard de la Nuit

(Original)

Q:
What did the Danish physicist's friends say about him?

A:
He was such a Bohr.

Q: Why did the nun wear the same thing every day?

A: It was a habit.

Q: How do you become president of Russia?

A: Putin a lot of hard work.

.............

Person 1: Dude, how high ARE you!?!?

Person 2: 5'7"

(actual interaction I had once).

..............................................

Saw on youtube:

Q: What did they call Rossini when he had composed the William Tell Overture all by himself?

A: The lone arranger.

.......................................................................................................................................


----------



## KenOC

Mary and John are sitting quietly in bed reading when Mary looks over at John and asks a question.
Mary: “What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?”
John: “Of course not!”
Mary: “Why not? Don’t you like being married?”
John: “Of course I do.”
Mary: “Then why wouldn’t you get married again?”
John: “Okay woman, alright, I’d get married again.”
Mary: “You would?”
John makes an audible groan.
Mary: “Would you live in our house?”
John: “Yeah, it’s a huge house.”
Mary: “Would you sleep with her in our bed?”
John: “Where else would we sleep?”
Mary: “Would you let her drive my car?”
John: “Possible, it is almost new.”
Mary: “Would you replace my photographs with hers?”
John: “That would seem like the proper thing to do.”
Mary: “Would you give her my jewelry?”
John: “No I don’t think so, I’m sure she’d want her own.”
Mary: “Would she use my golf clubs?”
John: “No, she’s left-handed.”

Oops.


----------



## KenOC

A man is driving down the highway when he sees a shipping truck wrecked on the side of the road, and 25 penguins waddling around outside it. He pulls over and the truck driver tells him, “Quick! You’ve gotta take these birds to the zoo while I wait for AAA!” The man agrees and drives off with the penguins.

After fixing his vehicle, the truck driver heads over to the zoo to make sure the penguins made it safely. There’s no sign of them. The truck driver panics and starts scouring the town for his missing penguins. An hour later he passes by the local cinema, and who does he see leaving the theater but the guy who said he’d help him, 25 penguins still in tow.

“What happened!” the truck driver screams. “I told you to take them to the zoo!”

“I did,” the man answers. “But afterwards I had a little money left over, so I thought I’d take them to a movie too.”


----------



## EddieRUKiddingVarese

^ At least they would have been dressed for Dinner I guess


----------



## Capeditiea

KenOC said:


> A man is driving down the highway when he sees a shipping truck wrecked on the side of the road, and 25 penguins waddling around outside it. He pulls over and the truck driver tells him, "Quick! You've gotta take these birds to the zoo while I wait for AAA!" The man agrees and drives off with the penguins.
> 
> After fixing his vehicle, the truck driver heads over to the zoo to make sure the penguins made it safely. There's no sign of them. The truck driver panics and starts scouring the town for his missing penguins. An hour later he passes by the local cinema, and who does he see leaving the theater but the guy who said he'd help him, 25 penguins still in tow.
> 
> "What happened!" the truck driver screams. "I told you to take them to the zoo!"
> 
> "I did," the man answers. "But afterwards I had a little money left over, so I thought I'd take them to a movie too."


Capeditiea liked this Post


----------



## Capeditiea

KenOC said:


> Mary and John are sitting quietly in bed reading when Mary looks over at John and asks a question.
> Mary: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
> John: "Of course not!"
> Mary: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
> John: "Of course I do."
> Mary: "Then why wouldn't you get married again?"
> John: "Okay woman, alright, I'd get married again."
> Mary: "You would?"
> John makes an audible groan.
> Mary: "Would you live in our house?"
> John: "Yeah, it's a huge house."
> Mary: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
> John: "Where else would we sleep?"
> Mary: "Would you let her drive my car?"
> John: "Possible, it is almost new."
> Mary: "Would you replace my photographs with hers?"
> John: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
> Mary: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
> John: "No I don't think so, I'm sure she'd want her own."
> Mary: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
> John: "No, she's left-handed."
> 
> Oops.


took me a bit of thought. 
:3

Capeditea liked this post,


----------



## ldiat

EddieRUKiddingVarese said:


> ^ At least they would have been dressed for Dinner I guess


please stick with pirate jokes aaaaarrrrrhhh! kidding


----------



## KenOC

A pilot is flying a small single engine charter plane with a couple of very important executives on board. He’s coming into Seattle airport through thick fog with little visibility when his instruments go out. So, he begins circling around looking for a landmark.

After a while he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous. Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor.

The pilot banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy “Hey, where am I?” To this, the solitary office worker replies, “You’re in a plane.”

The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn, and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of an airport five miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out. The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. “Simple” replies the pilot, “I asked the guy in that building a simple question.”

“The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore that must be Microsoft’s support office and from there the airport is just a bit away!”


----------



## ldiat

How fights get started ...
Just some examples on how fights get started:

1 -- A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started ...

2 -- My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started ...

3 -- After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'No, stay right here. Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application in no time.

When I got home, I happily told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too..'

And then the fight started ...


----------



## hpowders

How do I know I'm getting old? I'm eating animal crackers without looking at the shapes of the animals.


----------



## SixFootScowl

hpowders said:


> How do I know I'm getting old? I'm eating animal crackers without looking at the shapes of the animals.


Another sign of old age: You stop unscrewing Oreo cookies so you can eat the filling first.


----------



## hpowders

Fritz Kobus said:


> Another sign of old age: You stop unscrewing Oreo cookies so you can eat the filling first.


Probably due to a waning of physical strength: Smuckers Peanut Butter jar tops. Help needed. Oreo cookie separations. Help needed.


----------



## SixFootScowl

hpowders said:


> Probably due to a waning of physical strength: Smuckers Peanut Butter jar tops. Help needed. Oreo cookie separations. Help needed.


True. Also old age is conducive to those jars that have both peanut butter and jelly together. One less lid to struggle with.


----------



## hpowders

Haydn was so sick of being bullied as a 100 pound weakling on the beach every summer that he sent away for the Joe Wieder body building course, and a few months later, came back as a more muscular Mozart.


----------



## SixFootScowl

hpowders said:


> Haydn was so sick of being bullied as a 100 pound weakling on the beach every summer that he sent away for the Joe Wieder body building course, and a few months later, *came back as a more muscular Mozart*.


Yep, before that he was always Haydn from the bullies.


----------



## Marinera

hpowders said:


> Haydn was so sick of being bullied as a 100 pound weakling on the beach every summer that he sent away for the Joe Wieder body building course, and a few months later, came back as a more muscular Mozart.


Wait, this isn't a joking matter - isn't this post supposed to be in the thread discussing more muscular Haydn>?


----------



## SixFootScowl

hpowders said:


> Haydn was so sick of being bullied as a 100 pound weakling on the beach every summer that he sent away for the Joe Wieder body building course, and a few months later, came back as a more muscular Mozart.


After that, he went on steroids and came back as Beethoven!


----------



## hpowders

Fritz Kobus said:


> After that, he went on steroids and came back as Beethoven!


And had a relapse, composing the first movement of the Moonlight Sonata.


----------



## hpowders

Was Schubert fully stocked with Winter Rice because he ran out of Summer Rice?


----------



## hpowders

Give me the answer. I give you the question:

Answer: Take no prisoners here.

Question: What did Trump say at the US/Canadian border?


----------



## Couchie

Two Latvian look at clouds. One see two potatoes. One see impossible dream.
Is same cloud.

What Potato say to other potato?
Joke silly, nobody have 2 potato.

Why Latvian man wear hat?
For to hide bread from family!

Q: How much potato to kill Latvian?
A: None.

One day, hear knock on door.
Man ask “Who is?”
“Is potato man, I come around to give free potato”
Man is very excite and opens door.
Is not potato man, is secret police.


----------



## Roger Knox

Fritz Kobus said:


> True. Also old age is conducive to those jars that have both peanut butter and jelly together. One less lid to struggle with.


Animal-crackers, Oreo-cookie-separations, peanut-butter-jelly-lids . . . but nobody's yet mentioned _Alphabet-Soup_, created inside an obscure studio at _Scrable-in-Brothe_, Rutland and released on the shortlived _LetterHead _label, before being gobbled up by Campbells and sold to seniors as a supplementary brain food.


----------



## KenOC

Not really right for this thread, but this made me laugh.

LOS ANGELES, CA—Declaring herself a unique and sovereign individual who can’t be quantified by demographics or pigeonholed by big business, Carla Martín, a single, childless, 18-to-36-year-old bilingual Hispanic female with brand loyalty to Tom’s shoes and Chobani Greek yogurt and who expects to take two airline flights in 2018, told reporters Friday that she doesn’t fit into any of corporate America’s little boxes. “I’m more than just a collection of statistics,” said Martín, a college graduate in the $50,000 to $75,000 income bracket who supports center-left political causes, visits the two coffee shops in her neighborhood an average of 2.6 times each per week, prefers but does not exclusively purchase organic food, uses less than 75 percent of the allotted mileage on her leased Volkswagen Passat every month, enjoys listening to Imagine Dragons and Ed Sheeran, is currently in the market for a new floor lamp, and who algorithms predict has an 89 percent chance of buying the Chelsea Sectional model from Pottery Barn. “You can’t put a label on me. I’m a free spirit who will never be a pawn in some big marketing scheme.” Martín later headed off to a metalworking class, a new interest of hers that she feels demonstrates her unpredictable personality and was recommended to her by Groupon.


----------



## EddieRUKiddingVarese

2,500 years ago a slave call girl from Sardinia named Gedophamee (pronounced Get-offa'-me) was attending the first athletic festival in Greece.
This festival had no name at that time. In those days the athletes performed naked and to prevent unwanted arousal while competing, the men imbibed freely on a drink containing saltpeter. 
At the opening ceremonial parade of this first great event, Gedophamee observed the first wave of naked athletic males marching toward her and she exclaimed: "Oh! Limp pricks!" 
Over the next two and a half millennia that expression morphed into "Olympics."

So now you know....


----------



## EddieRUKiddingVarese

*A tale of a lost senior citizen*

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old man sitting on a park bench sobbing his eyes out. I stopped and asked him what was wrong.

He told me, "I have a 22 year old wife at home. She rubs my back every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."

I continued, "Well, then why are you crying?"

He added, "She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite biscuits, cleans the house and then watches sports tv with me for the rest of the afternoon."

I said, "Well why are you crying?" 
He said, "For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then we cuddle until the small hours."

I inquired, "Well then, why in the world would you be crying?"
He replied, "I can't remember where I live."


----------



## EddieRUKiddingVarese

Now some Easter jokes...........

Two Priests are walking down the street when a drunk man comes up to them. 
He says, to the first Priest,"I'm Jesus Christ." The Priest reply's,"No son, you're not!" 
So he says to the second,"I'm Jesus Christ." The second Priest says,"No, son, you're not." 
The drunk says," Look I can prove it." He takes the two Preists into the bar.
The bartender takes one look at the drunk and says,"JESUS CHRIST YOU'RE HERE AGAIN!!!"

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem.

While they were there, the wife passed away.

The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped back home for $5,000"

The husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home.

The undertaker asked him, "Why would you spend $5,000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost $150?"

The husband replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."


----------



## KenOC

On reaching his plane seat, a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped into the seat next to him. The man asks the stewardess for a cup of coffee and the parrot squawks, “And get me a whisky, wench.”

The stewardess, flustered by the parrot’s outburst, brings back a whisky for the parrot but inadvertently forgets the man’s coffee. As the man nicely points out the omission of his coffee to the stewardess, the parrot downs his drink and shouts, “And get me another whisky, you ugly bitch.”

Visibly shaken, the stewardess comes back with the parrot’s whisky but still no coffee for the man.

Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man decides that he is going to try the parrot’s approach, “I’ve asked you twice for a cup of coffee, wench, I expect you to get it for me right now so I don’t have to see that disgustingly hideous face of yours any more!”

Next thing they know, both the man and the parrot are wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards to the ground, the parrot turns to the man and says, “For someone who can’t fly, you sure are a lippy SOB."


----------



## Luchesi

Three lawyers and three engineers were traveling by train to a conference.
At the station, each lawyer bought a ticket whereas the engineers bought only one ticket between them.

How are you going to travel on a single ticket? asked a lawyer. Wait and watch, answered one of the engineers.

When they boarded the train, the lawyers took their seats, but the three engineers crammed into a toilet and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train started, the ticket collector arrived. He knocked on the toilet door and asked, Ticket please. The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The ticket collector took it and moved on. Seeing this, the lawyers decided to do the same thing on the return trip.

So when they got to the station, they bought only one ticket. To their astonishment, the engineers didn’t buy any. How are you going to travel without a ticket? asked one of the perplexed lawyers. Wait and watch, answered an engineer. 

In the train, the three engineers crammed into a toilet and the three lawyers into another nearby. Soon after the train started, one of the engineers got out of the toilet and walked to the one where the lawyers were hiding. 

He knocked on the door and said, Ticket, please.


----------



## Luchesi

Chemistry Teacher: Can you give me the formula for water?

Student: H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O

Chemistry Teacher: Huh? Where did you get an idea like that? 

Student: You told us the other day it was H to O.


----------



## JeffD

dogen said:


> Three stereotypes walk into an unreconstituted bar.


Ha!

Reminds of this generic poem:

"There once was an X from place B,
Who satisfied predicate P,
The X did thing A,
In a specified way,
Resulting in circumstance C."


----------



## hpowders

I used to be a bass fisherman, but my wife caught me cheating and am now a contralto fisherman.


----------



## Capeditiea

EddieRUKiddingVarese said:


> 2,500 years ago a slave call girl from Sardinia named Gedophamee (pronounced Get-offa'-me) was attending the first athletic festival in Greece.
> This festival had no name at that time. In those days the athletes performed naked and to prevent unwanted arousal while competing, the men imbibed freely on a drink containing saltpeter.
> At the opening ceremonial parade of this first great event, Gedophamee observed the first wave of naked athletic males marching toward her and she exclaimed: "Oh! Limp pricks!"
> Over the next two and a half millennia that expression morphed into "Olympics."
> 
> So now you know....


:O i never thought that this would become a thing... well... ironically i didn't know what to call my self at the time... and turns out that ends up being my name in that era...


----------



## TxllxT

An English woman is talking with a Chinese man.
- 'So, when are you having elections?'
The man is staring open-mouthed at the woman.
- 'Elections?'
- Yes, elections.
- 'Every morning and every evening'.


----------



## hpowders

If Bach opened up an Italian restaurant, what would he call it?

Bachorini's Ristorante.


----------



## Majed Al Shamsi

Why couldn't Beethoven find his instructor?
Because his instructor was Haydn...


----------



## ldiat

I'm the boss of my house. And I have my wife's permission to say so!

-----------------------------------

The furniture store keeps calling me, asking me to come back. But all I wanted was that one night stand.

-----------------------------------------------------


"What did you buy your wife for Valentine's Day?" "A belt and a bag." "That's thoughtful." "Yeah, and now her vacuum cleaner works again!"

--------------------------------------------------------------
After giving a young man a thorough physical examination, the doctor told him, "Richard, the best thing for you is give up smoking and drinking, get to bed early, and stay away from women." Richard said, "Doc, I don't deserve the best. What's second best?"


----------



## TennysonsHarp

After the Yalta conference in 1945, Stalin decides to take Churchill and FDR on a tour of the Soviet Union. At one point, they are walking past a field when a cow shows up and starts to moo repeatedly at FDR and Churchill. Stalin asks his aides to calm the animal down, but they are unsuccessful. At last, Stalin himself walks over to the cow and whispers in its ear. The cow almost seems to turn pale, its knees begin to knock together, and the creature takes off running the other way as fast as it can.

Churchill and Roosevelt are astonished. Churchill asks, "What did you say to her to get her to stop?"

Stalin replied: "I told her that if she did not stop I would send her to a collective farm."

(Edit: I hope this was an ok joke.)


----------



## Forsooth

Two snakes were walking along.
One of the snakes asked the other, "Are we poisonous?"
The snake thought a moment and said, "Mmm, I don't know. What do you ask?"
The first snake replied, "I just bit my lip."


----------



## Flamme

Why did the runner quit the race against bigfoot?He couldn't face defeet!!
:lol::clap::trp::wave:


----------



## SixFootScowl

How is a computer keyboard like a toaster?


Either one, when you turn it upside down and bang it, crumbs come out.


----------



## znapschatz

At the grocery shop, a man sampled one of the bulk dates, and frowned. "These dates taste awful," he said to the grocery clerk.
"Sir," the clerk replied,"These dates are more to be pitted than censured."


----------



## Marinera

Fritz Kobus said:


> How is a computer keyboard like a toaster?
> 
> Either one, when you turn it upside down and bang it, crumbs come out.


LOL  Mine was more like a dried vegetable patch. I was shaking my keyboard the other day - something looking like bits of carrot fell out


----------



## SixFootScowl

Marinera said:


> LOL  Mine was more like a dried vegetable patch. I was shaking my keyboard the other day - something looking like bits of carrot fell out


sometimes spiders too!


----------



## Marinera

Fritz Kobus said:


> sometimes spiders too!


Your keyboard must be further down the evolution road than mine then.

I hope they were baby spiders and not their mom..


----------



## SixFootScowl

Marinera said:


> Your keyboard must be further down the evolution road than mine then.
> 
> I hope they were baby spiders and not their mom..


Some kind of little brown house spider. We seem to have a few around. Once we had dozens of the babies descending from the dining room light fixture.


----------



## ldiat




----------



## SixFootScowl

My chiropractor is a funny guy. He really cracks me up.


----------



## Ingélou

From a dog forum I belong to:

An Airedale walks into a Job Centre.

He sits down when his number is called and says, "I'm looking for a new job."

The Job Centre worker is struck dumb for a moment. The Airedale wags his tail in encouragement and the person on the other side of the desk finds their voice.

"I'm sure we could find a job in a circus for a dog of such obvious talents."

The Airedale looks at them with that look of disdain that Airedales have before replying.

"And what use would a circus have for a plumber?"


----------



## Vronsky

Q: What do you call somebody with no body and just a nose?
A: Nobody knows!


----------



## Capeditiea

Fritz Kobus said:


> Some kind of little brown house spider. We seem to have a few around. Once we had dozens of the babies descending from the dining room light fixture.


...i am now afraid to touch my keyboard too much now, thanks. :O


----------



## Barbebleu

A 79-year-old man is having a drink in a bar. Suddenly a gorgeous girl enters and sits down a few seats away. The girl is so attractive that he just can't take his eyes off her. After a short while, the girl notices him staring, and approaches him. 

Before the man has time to apologize, the girl looks him deep in the eyes and says to him in a sultry tone: "I'll do anything you'd like. Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn't matter how extreme or unusual it is, I'm game. I want $100, and there's another condition". 

Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what her condition is. "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman. He whips out his wallet and puts $100 dollars in her hand --- He then looks her square in the eyes, and says slowly and clearly: "Paint my house." 

(Our needs change as we get older, and we tend to look for bargains)


----------



## Dan Ante

Barbebleu said:


> A 79-year-old man............................
> 
> Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what her condition is. "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
> 
> The man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman. He whips out his wallet and puts $100 dollars in her hand --- He then looks her square in the eyes, and says slowly and clearly: "Paint my house."
> 
> (Our needs change as we get older, and we tend to look for bargains)


They do but that was unnaturally early for the poor man


----------



## Pat Fairlea

Nice joke told on tv this evening by the egregious Frankie Boyle.

"My Facebook account has been taken over by a malicious sex pest. I've remembered my password."


----------



## Barbebleu

Pat Fairlea said:


> Nice joke told on tv this evening by the egregious Frankie Boyle.
> 
> "My Facebook account has been taken over by a malicious sex pest. I've remembered my password."


Frankie says the things that a lot of us think but don't dare to actually say out loud! I love the guy. :lol:


----------



## Pat Fairlea

Barbebleu said:


> Frankie says the things that a lot of us think but don't dare to actually say out loud! I love the guy. :lol:


Me too. His Facebook joke is quite close to a gem from the usually more genteel Milton Jones:

"My girlfriend's an internet pornstar. She'll be livid when she finds out!"


----------



## LezLee

Not really a joke, but I didn't know where to post it:

*Husband training course*

1. HOW TO FILL ICE-CUBE TRAYS. Step by step with slide presentation.

2. TOILET PAPER: DOES IT GROW ON THE HOLDERS? Roundtable discussion.

3. DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THE LAUNDRY BASKET AND THE FLOOR. Practising with hamper. Pictures and graphics.

4. THE AFTER-DINNER DISHES AND SILVERWARE: DO THEY LEVITATE AND FLY INTO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES? Debate among panel of experts.

5. LOSS OF VIRILITY: LOSING THE REMOTE CONTROL TO YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER. Help line and support groups.

6. LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS, STARTING WITH LOOKING IN THE RIGHT PLACE INSTEAD OF TURNING THE HOUSE UPSIDE DOWN WHILE SCREAMING. Open forum.

7. HEALTH WATCH: BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH. PowerPoint presentation.

8. REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST Real-life testimonial from the one man who did.

9. IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS? With driving simulation.

10. LIVING WITH ADULTS: BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR WIFE. Online class and role-playing.

11. HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION. Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.

12. REMEMBERING BIRTHDAYS, ANNIVERSARIES, OTHER IMPORTANT DATES AND CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE. Bring your calendar or PDA to class

13. GETTING OVER IT: LEARNING TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME. Individual counsellors are available


----------



## laurie

^^^

:lol: :lol: :lol: This is hilarious ~ mr. laurie has been a husband for 32 years, & he _still_ has trouble with most of the above!


----------



## LezLee

My husband only really had a problem with No.8, though to be fair he rarely got lost. Whereas I can get lost in a cupboard!


----------



## KenOC

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a slide rule.


----------



## LezLee

KenOC said:


> Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
> 
> He worked it out with a slide rule.


The British version uses a pencil!

This is allied to the one about Percy Shaw, inventor of 'cats' eyes'.
It's said that if the cat had been walking away from him, he'd have invented the pencil-sharpener.


----------



## RogerExcellent

If you always want what you can't have, what do you want when you can have anything?


----------



## Belowpar

RogerExcellent said:


> If you always want what you can't have, what do you want when you can have anything?


Turned on its head this becomes

Q
"What do you give the man with everything?"

A
Penicillin".


----------



## DaveM

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’ll be a mile away...and you’ll have their shoes.


----------



## laurie

^^^

I've always liked this one! :lol:


----------



## EddieRUKiddingVarese

Just before the big meeting in Singapore Kim Jong-un decided to send Donald
Trump a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the
game.
Trump opened the letter which appeared to contain a single-line coded
message:

370HSSV-0773H

Trump was baffled, so he e-mailed it to his aides, who had no clue either,
so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the FBI, so it went to
the CIA. 
With no clue as to its meaning, the FBI finally asked Marine Corps for help.
Within a few seconds the Marine Corps cabled back with this reply,
"Tell The President he's holding the message upside down."


----------



## DaveM

Years from now, Presidents George W. Bush, Obama and Trump come before God in Heaven. God says to Bush, ‘What have you done for mankind?’ He responds ‘I helped give HIV treatment to millions in Africa.’ God responds, ‘You deserve to sit in this chair to my right.’

God then says to Obama, ‘What have you done for mankind?’‘ He responds, ‘I provided healthcare to millions with pre-existing conditions.’ God responds, ‘You deserve to sit in this chair to my left.’

God then says to Trump, ‘What have you done for mankind?’‘ Trump responds, ‘I don’t know, but you’re sitting in my chair.’


----------



## Iota

There are only 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary jokes and those who don't.


----------



## Norman Gunston

Once there was a boy named Cap who had a little Nap
when a awoke he found his computer was broken
as he had lost his token
no connection could he find 
and no answer to his bind
He was just a moderate
and would he ever again compose
a limerick about his big fat ....


----------



## ldiat

Iota said:


> There are only 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary jokes and those who don't.


i do not get it


----------



## Dan Ante

Norman Gunston said:


> Once there was a boy named Cap who had a little Nap
> when a awoke he found his computer was broken
> as he had lost his token
> no connection could he find
> and no answer to his bind
> He was just a moderate
> and would he ever again compose
> a limerick about his big fat ....


In character...................


----------



## EddieRUKiddingVarese

ldiat said:


> i do not get it


01101000 01110100 01110100 01110000 01110011 00111010 00101111 00101111 01110111 01110111 01110111 00101110 01111001 01101111 01110101 01110100 01110101 01100010 01100101 00101110 01100011 01101111 01101101 00101111 01110111 01100001 01110100 01100011 01101000 00111111 01110110 00111101 01101101 01010111 01110111 01110011 01011001 01100111 00110111 01110010 01001010 01111001 01100111


----------



## Norman Gunston




----------



## Iota

ldiat said:


> i do not get it


Ah sorry, that joke does presuppose a knowledge of binary numbers, in which number 2 is written as 10. 

I'll get me coat (exits smoking a Hamlet cigar ..).


----------



## KenOC




----------



## DaveM

On an official trip to Jerusalem, Trump contracts a sudden illness and passes away. The Israeli government tells the American officials that Trump can be buried in the Holy Land for $10 or the body sent back to the U.S. for $25,000. The American officials respond that they will pay the $25,000. The Israelis are surprised and ask why wouldn’t you want the burial in the Holy Land for only $10. The American officials respond, “Well, its our understanding that many years ago a man passed away here in the Holy Land and then arose from the dead 3 days later. We just can’t take the chance.


----------



## ldiat

EddieRUKiddingVarese said:


> 01101000 01110100 01110100 01110000 01110011 00111010 00101111 00101111 01110111 01110111 01110111 00101110 01111001 01101111 01110101 01110100 01110101 01100010 01100101 00101110 01100011 01101111 01101101 00101111 01110111 01100001 01110100 01100011 01101000 00111111 01110110 00111101 01101101 01010111 01110111 01110011 01011001 01100111 00110111 01110010 01001010 01111001 01100111


is this like the math joke??


----------



## ldiat

Iota said:


> Ah sorry, that joke does presuppose a knowledge of binary numbers, in which number 2 is written as 10.
> 
> I'll get me coat (exits smoking a Hamlet cigar ..).


oohhh now i get it!! hahaha<-------is this now 10 ha's


----------



## SixFootScowl

ldiat said:


> is this like the math joke??


Run it through this:
https://cryptii.com/binary-to-english


----------



## ldiat

oh man these last few jokes are like a roof........over my head:lol: or the prank caller who calls and asks is your refrigerator running? man answering: "let me check" (then back on the phone) "why yes it is running" caller "well you better go catch it":lol: and the prank caller who asks the answerer "is billy wall there..... "no" is bobby wall there..."no" is jimmy wall there"....."no" caller "then what holding up your ceiling":lol: and the last Mommy joke......"mommy mommy mary's throwing up!!" mom: ok leave her alone it will stop" "yes but, janes eating all the big chunks!!"


----------



## SixFootScowl

Anyone wanting more math to mess with, try and figure out what this says:

110 141 40 150 141 54 40 164 150 151 163 40 151 163 40 156 157 164 40 142 151 156 141 162 171 56


----------



## ldiat

Fritz Kobus said:


> Run it through this:
> https://cryptii.com/binary-to-english


oooohhhhhhh now i see....."said the blind man who picked up the hammer and saw"


----------



## ldiat

Fritz Kobus said:


> Anyone wanting more math to mess with, try and figure out what this says:
> 
> 110 141 40 150 141 54 40 164 150 151 163 40 151 163 40 156 157 164 40 142 151 156 141 162 171 56


i figured it out "hi i am a friend of fritz and i like to dress up in women's clothing and hang around in bars and press wild flowers


----------



## ldiat

can i go now?? please?


----------



## Dan Ante

Fritz Kobus said:


> Anyone wanting more math to mess with, try and figure out what this says:
> 
> 110 141 40 150 141 54 40 164 150 151 163 40 151 163 40 156 157 164 40 142 151 156 141 162 171 56


You will get banned using that language on a child friendly forum.


----------



## EddieRUKiddingVarese

ldiat said:


> can i go now?? please?


Just don't eat the Yellow snow


----------



## SixFootScowl

ldiat said:


> i figured it out "hi i am a friend of fritz and i like to dress up in women's clothing and hang around in bars and press wild flowers


No, nothing about a Monty Python skit.


----------



## Roger Knox

The Past, Present, and Future walked into a bar. It was tense.


----------



## RogerExcellent

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.


----------



## SixFootScowl

Hear about the blond rookie police officer?

His first day on the job he pulled over ever Ford *Escape* he saw.

________________________________________________________
Ok, that may rank as the stupidist joke, if even a joke, on this thread.


----------



## TxllxT

- Tell me, Xenia, am I really such a bad mother?

- I'm not Xenia. I'm Victoria.


----------



## Dan Ante

TxllxT said:


> - Tell me, Xenia, am I really such a bad mother?
> 
> - I'm not Xenia. I'm Victoria.


You are a Queen


----------



## hpowders

What was Beethoven's favorite fruit?

ba-na-na-NAAAAAAH


----------



## TxllxT

Who was the wife of Noah?

Jeanne d'Arc.


----------



## SixFootScowl

How long did Cain hate his brother?

As long as he was Able.


----------



## hpowders

What’s the difference between outlaws and inlaws?

Outlaws are wanted.


----------



## SixFootScowl

Why does a milking stool only have three legs? Because the cow has the udder.


----------



## Luchesi

I like rice. 

Rice is great when you're really hungry and you want 2,000 of something!


----------



## Roger Knox

Q. Why is my church taking up all the aisle carpets?

A. We've joined the War on Rugs!


----------



## TxllxT

Granny & grandfather have reached the age of 120 years and are now strolling around in paradise.
- How beautiful it is here, isn't it, Grandfather?
- If you wouldn't have forced us to live healthy, we might have come here twenty years ago...


----------



## Ingélou

TxllxT said:


> - Tell me, Xenia, am I really such a bad mother?
> 
> - I'm not Xenia. I'm Victoria.


Happened! See paragraph nine. VVV
http://www.bbc.co.uk/devon/discovering/famous/sabine_baring_gould.shtml


----------



## Ingélou

Not a joke, but a charming and apposite palindrome:

https://www.futilitycloset.com/2009/12/16/palindromic-conversation-between-two-owls/


----------



## hpowders

What did papa buffalo say to his son as he was about to depart for college?

"Bi, son."


----------



## hpowders

What did the impatient landlord say to the totalitarian Russian tenant that was given an eviction notice two weeks prior?

"Quit ya Stalin'!"


----------



## endelbendel

A priest a rabbi and a minister walk into a bar. Bartender says, "Is this some kind of a joke?"


----------



## RogerExcellent

endelbendel said:


> A priest a rabbi and a minister walk into a bar. Bartender says, "Is this some kind of a joke?"


They replied, "we only come here on weekdays"


----------



## Luchesi

I only know one violist personally but change it to drummer or conductor or singer

What do you call a violist with two brain cells?
















---------------

pregnant


----------



## TxllxT

[ Let's see if this Russian joke is possible in English:]

- Are you tired and looking for dissipation?
- Just wait for your cremation....


----------



## hpowders

I'm into nutrition; did some Googling and found that Mothers' Milk is the most nutritious kind, but alas, my local supermarket manager told me they don't carry it.


----------



## hpowders

If the Swedish composer Rosenberg’s father was Frank Sinatra, would he have been called Hilding-a-linga?


----------



## hpowders

For those of you frustrated by the disappointing tastes of Bach's lunches, may I make the following suggestion:
Try eating them with original instruments from the period, such as early to mid-18th century Italian knives and forks.
I believe you will find that simple switch can make all the difference! :tiphat:


----------



## KenOC

Ingélou said:


> Not a joke, but a charming and apposite palindrome:
> 
> https://www.futilitycloset.com/2009/12/16/palindromic-conversation-between-two-owls/


One of my favorites: "Live dirt up a side track carted is a putrid evil!"

Another: "Are we not drawn onward, we few, drawn onward to new era?"


----------



## KenOC

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
1.The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
2.The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
3.The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
4.The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
1.The first worm in alcohol - Dead
2.The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead
3.Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead
4.Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive!
So the Minister asked the congregation -
What can you learn from this demonstration?
Little Nancy, sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,
'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'


----------



## Ingélou

KenOC said:


> One of my favorites: "Live dirt up a side track carted is a putrid evil!"
> 
> Another: "Are we not drawn onward, we few, drawn onward to new era?"


Fab - especially the second. Sounds like some pretentious moral uplift.


----------



## KenOC

Five Aussie surgeons from big cities are discussing what type of person makes the best patient to operate on.

The first surgeon, from Brisbane, says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second, from Perth, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon, from Adelaide, says, "No, I really think librarians are the best! Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon, from Sydney, chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.”

But the fifth surgeon, from Melbourne, shut them all up when he observed: “You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine... Plus, the head and the *** are interchangeable.”


----------



## David Phillips

Q. How does the Pope buy things online? 
A. Papal


----------



## SixFootScowl

David Phillips said:


> Q. How does the Pope buy things online?
> A. Papal


Oh that is a huge groaner! :lol:


----------



## hpowders

Must be buying sex manuals for the Cardinals.


----------



## ldiat

hpowders said:


> Must be buying sex manuals for the Cardinals.


speaking of cardinals one had His name removed from a catholic school marquee sign outside of pittsburgh, pa. some legal problems viewed on twitter.


----------



## hpowders

ldiat said:


> speaking of cardinals one had His name removed from a catholic school marquee sign outside of pittsburgh, pa. some legal problems viewed on twitter.


It's a horrible scandal, almost as bad as those who post on TC as DUPS.

Meanwhile I'm practicing "O Danny Boy" in case Renee gets stage fright and I get The Call.


----------



## SixFootScowl

hpowders said:


> It's a horrible scandal, almost as bad as those who post on TC as DUPS.
> 
> Meanwhile I'm practicing "O Danny Boy" in case Renee gets stage fright and I get The Call.


If you sing, they will all stop up their ears and scream. :lol:


----------



## hpowders

Fritz Kobus said:


> If you sing, they will all stop up their ears and scream. :lol:


Mission accomplished. I would be going as Trump's representative! Ambassador of Music.


----------



## hpowders

Doctoral student in musicology at Juilliard:

You guys are smart: Anyone know the latitude/longitude in degrees that identifies the line separating music from non-music?

My frat brothers sent me here. Glad they are looking out 4 me.


----------



## KenOC

hpowders said:


> Doctoral student in musicology at Juilliard:
> 
> You guys are smart: Anyone know the latitude/longitude in degrees that identifies the line separating music from non-music?
> 
> My frat brothers sent me here. Glad they are looking out 4 me.


That's like the standard med school trick, where the new guy is sent from classroom to classroom asking to borrow a fallopian tube.


----------



## hpowders

KenOC said:


> That's like the standard med school trick, where the new guy is sent from classroom to classroom asking to borrow a fallopian tube.


Why? You have to actually pay for them now?


----------



## hpowders

Newbie here going for my Doctorate in Audiology.

Okay here goes. If that Beethoven guy was alive today which brand of hearing aid would he use? Beltone? Miracle Ear? Costco? Something else? 

Thanks. This will help my dissertation, “Hearing Through The Centuries”.


----------



## SixFootScowl

A frog walks into a bank and approaches the teller, whose name plate says Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $50,000 loan to take a vacation."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.

"Kermit Jagger. My father is Mick Jagger. It will be fine to authorize the loan, I know your manager."

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

"Sure, how about this," said Kermit as he produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

Patty walks into the manager's office and proceeds to tell her, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $50,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." Patty holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says..."It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."


----------



## KenOC

That was truly, absolutely, and incontrovertibly horrible.


----------



## senza sordino

One day a man goes to the Notre Dame church and asks Quasimodo for bell ringing lessons. They climb to the top of the tower and the great bell is swung. It swings high and hits the man in the head and knocks the man off the tower. He tumbles to the ground below. A crowd gathers round. Quasimodo climbs down to the bottom and the crowd ask "who is he?" Replies Quasimodo "I don't know but his face rings a bell"

The next day, a relative of the first man goes to the Notre Dame church and asks Quasimodo for bell ringing lessons. They climb to the top of the tower. The great bell is swung and it knocks the man off his feet and he tumbles to the ground below. A crowd gathers round. Quasimodo climbs down to the bottom and the crowd ask "who is he? Replies Quasimodo "I don't know, but he's a dead ringer for his brother"

The next day, another relative goes to the Notre Dame church and asks Quasimodo for bell ringing lessons. They climb to the top of the tower. The great bell is swung and it knocks the man off his feet and he tumbles to the ground below. A crowd gathers round. Quasimodo climbs down to bottom and the crowd ask "who is he?" Replies Quasimodo "I don't know but I've got a hunch "


----------



## Luchesi

a man walks into a zoo

the only animal in the zoo is a little dog 

it's definitely a shitzoo


----------



## SixFootScowl

Four great religious truths: 
1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's Chosen People. 
2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah. 
3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world. 
4. Baptists do not recognize each other at the liquor store.


----------



## SixFootScowl

TRUST OR FOLLY?

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. 

Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe's legs and slammed him against the railing, then stomped him several times crushing the poor sucker to death.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.


----------



## KenOC

Q: How do you get a pig to the hospital?

A: In a hambulance.


----------



## Luchesi

Why did the chicken go to the séance?





To get to the other side.


----------



## Luchesi

What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches?




A nervous wreck


----------



## Luchesi

What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller?



"Curses, foil again!?!"


----------



## DaveM

Rodney Dangerfield:

When my wife was about to deliver our son, I asked her if she wanted me in the room. She said, ‘Why would I, you weren’t in the room when I got pregnant.’

I went into a bar and the bartender asked me what I wanted. I said, ‘Surprise me.’ He showed me a nude picture of my wife.


----------



## KenOC

More from Rodney:

I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

My wife’s cooking is so bad the flies fix our screens.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.


----------



## hpowders

Would an ad to join a "Blind Listening Group" have scared the great Beethoven? He was already quite deaf.


----------



## hpowders

Help!! Nobody told me that when one posts on the "I'm Definitely Leaving TC Forever; No exceptions; I Sincerely mean it!! This is final!!" thread, that one's account is automatically deleted 4-ever. When did they change the algorithm?

J. Doe, guest*


*Does this post count as #1? I need to re-build my post count.


----------



## TxllxT

Thomas Mann pun (from the Magic Mountain):

'Requiescat in pace' is a better wish than 'May you live long'.


----------



## TxllxT

From an Ukrainian sketch: Ukrainian woman in the harem of an Arab sheik.
- Hi, I'm your new Ukrainian woman. First of all we will change this lying around on couches. We will sit and eat at the table, because that's Christian.
- But I'm Muslim...
- That we will correct too.
- Salam!
- Sure I love salam!
..............


----------



## hpowders

I'm running for Congress and I was interviewed by a reporter as to my favorite breakfast food and I replied it's an egg-white omelet. I was promptly labeled a racist.


----------



## Luchesi

Did you know that I can cut down a dead tree just by looking at it?


It’s true. I saw it with my own eyes!


----------



## hpowders

Unfortunately at my late, rich Uncle's reading of his will, I found out he was an ardent fan of Talk Classical's "Three Word Story" thread.

"Nothing for you!!"


----------



## LezLee

Posted on wrong thread! Sorry!


----------



## hpowders

So damn disappointed! My pops promised to buy me a Mahler Cycle, but got me a Harley instead!


----------



## hpowders

A horse walks into a bar and sits down; orders a drink. The barkeep asks him, "Why the long face?"


----------



## Dorsetmike

Before the fall of the USSR, there was a Communist weather forecaster named Rudolph.

One day he said to his wife, "It's going to rain pretty soon."

She looked out the window and said,"I don't know, it looks clear to me."

The forecaster drew himself up and said, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."


----------



## Dorsetmike

This one is for those with a bit of musical theory:

A C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar.

The bartender says: "Sorry, but we don't serve minors."

So, the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them.

After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished: the G is out flat.

An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.

A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second."

An A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor.

Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims: "Get out now! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."

The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says: "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development."

This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au naturel.

Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he's under a rest.

The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.

On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.

The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, the soprano out in the bathroom, and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest -- and closes the bar.


----------



## Dorsetmike

A man spends the majority of his life looking for the ideal woman,in the meantime he marries!
-----------------------
It is only after you have married Miss Right that you find out her first name is Always.
------------------------
Teaching advanced calculus is delivering weapons of math instruction.
-----------------------------------
I don’t like political jokes. I’ve seen too many get elected.
-----------------------------------
A guy goes over to his brother’s house all bruised and his clothes torn.

His brother says “Man, where have you been?”

“I just got back from burying my mother-in-law.”

“How did you get all bruised and your clothes torn from burying your mother-in-law?”

“She wouldn’t lie still!”


----------



## hpowders

My kneese is an orthopedic surgeon.


----------



## Dorsetmike

I had my leg X-rayed and the doctor said: 'Your patella measures exactly 2.54cm'

I said: 'Inch-high knees?'

He said: '您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.'


----------



## hpowders

Directions to Modern Music:

Hang a left at Cacophony Boulevard and go straight for 2.5 km to serial drive. Destination will be on the left. Parking should be very, very, very, very easy!!!


----------



## hpowders

Directions in Modern Music

Sung to the first 10 measures of the Schoenberg Violin Concerto. Hilary Hahn's tempo:

Proceed 3/10 of a mile; turn left at the Walmart. Go 1.347 miles and turn right at the stop sign. Your destination will be on your left.


----------



## Dorsetmike

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, “How long before I can get a haircut”?

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, “About 2 hours.” The guy left, but did not return that day.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, “How long before I can get a haircut”?

The barber looked around at the shop and said, “About 3 hours.” The guy left and, again, did not return that day.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, “How long before I can get a haircut?”

The barber looked around the shop and said, “About an hour and a half.” The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said,”Hey, Bob, do me a favor; follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back later.”

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, ‘So, where does he go when he leaves?’

Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, ‘Your house!’


----------



## ldiat

hpowders said:


> A horse walks into a bar and sits down; orders a drink. The barkeep asks him, "Why the long face?"


----------



## hpowders

ldiat said:


>


Hay! Why can't a horse enjoy himself once in a while. Why would anybody vote neigh on this???


----------



## hpowders

I'm really in a D minorish kinda mood today, so please everybody, just leave me alone.


----------



## SixFootScowl

I am old school (CDs and before that vinyl) and I always thought it would be difficult to download music, but I just downloaded John Cage's 4'33". It was easy. There was nothing to it.


----------



## JeffD

I have a magic dog. Its a Labracadabrador.


----------



## Dorsetmike

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Doctor said I had a weak stomach, but I threw up further than anyone else.


----------



## Roger Knox

What's brown and sticky?

A brown stick.


----------



## Roger Knox

What did 0 say to 8?

Nice belt.


----------



## KenOC

Q What's the difference between a seamstress and a violist?

A The seamstress tucks up the frills.


----------



## KenOC

Some years back, the Americans developed a high-velocity gas-powered gun to test the airworthiness of airplane windscreens when struck by large birds (true). The gun would fire a chicken -- dead of course -- at the windscreens to see what damage ensued.

The British airplane safety authority, hearing about this, requested plans for the gun. They soon contacted the Americans: “We tried the gun but the bird pierced the windscreen, took off the back of the pilot’s chair, went right through the bulkhead like butter, and damaged sixteen passenger seats from first class right back into coach. What are we doing wrong?”

The Americans discussed this and finally cabled, “Next time, thaw the chicken.”


----------



## Dorsetmike

A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the pub for a drink with him.

So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go down the pub with me today? We will have a good time."

But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again,


"How about going down the pub with me ?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time. This time he put his face up against the centipede ' s box and shouted, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to the pub with me? .....

This time, a little voice came out of the box, "I heard you the first time! I 'm just putting me flippin' shoes on!"


----------



## Dorsetmike

I used to love farm vehicles, but not any more - I'm an ex-tractor fan


----------



## Dorsetmike

A man asks his elderly father what his secret was for living such a long life. "I'll tell you son, "says the the old man,"every morning I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal". The man follows this advice and amazingly it works and when he eventually dies at the age of 100, he leaves 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren and a 15 foot diameter hole in the wall of his local crematorium.


----------



## CnC Bartok

What's large and green and has six legs and kills you when it jumps out of a tree?

A snooker table.


----------



## Dorsetmike

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and being a typical man, I didn’t stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.
I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man. And as I played “Amazing Grace”, the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.
When finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen anything like that before, and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”


----------



## Dorsetmike

A man bought a cup of coffee, drank it, and said, “This taste like mud!” “Of course,” said the chef, “it was ground this morning.”


----------



## Dorsetmike

Did you hear about the woman who couldn't find a singing partner?
She had to buy a duet yourself kit.

Q: What happened to the guy who fell through a harp?
A: He is in the hospital; rooms 25 to 40.


----------



## Roger Knox

Why doesn't 6 like 7?

7 8 9


----------



## Roger Knox

What did 1 say to 4?

Hey, lose the nose like I did -- you'll always be first in line.


----------



## Dorsetmike

Seen on an estate agents board, obviously done by a dyslexic with a bad spell checker

Air conditioned Orifice

*TOILET*


----------



## Dorsetmike

The lord of the manor was having terrible problems with a mole digging his lawns up so he called in the local mole catcher.
"When you catch the mole", he told the mole catcher, "I want you to inflict upon it the worst death imaginable".
The mole catcher agreed and went about his business.
The following morning the lord saw the mole catcher.
"Did you catch the mole?" he asked.
"I did sir" replied the mole catcher.
"And did you inflict upon it the worst death imaginable?"
"I did sir. I buried him alive"


----------



## Dorsetmike

The mother-in-law, comes home and finds her son-in-law furious and
packing his suitcase.

"What happened, George?"

"What happened? - I'll tell you what happened! I sent an email to my
wife saying that I was coming home from my trip today. I got home and
guess what I found?... My wife, yes my Marie, with a naked guy in our
marital bed! This is the end of our marriage, I will leave forever!"

"Calm down!" says mother-in-law. There is something odd about this
story. Marie would never do such a thing! Wait a minute while I check
what happened."

Moments later, mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. "You see, I
said there must be a simple explanation..." "Marie didn't receive your email!!!"


----------



## KenOC

A man is eating supper at a nice restaurant. He starts with the soup but drops his spoon on the floor. An attentive waiter quickly comes over, pulls a fresh spoon out of his inner jacket pocket, and hands it to him.

In a bit, the waiter comes by to remove the now-empty soup bowl. The customer, curious, speaks to him: “It seems unusual to carry fresh silverware with you, but also pretty smart since you don’t have to go back to the kitchen. May I ask, how did you decide to do that?”

“Well, sir,” says the waiter, “we had an efficiency expert come by a while back, and he gave us a number of useful suggestions.”

“Can you give me another example?”

“Certainly sir. He advised us to tie pieces of string to our members and to allow the string to dangle out through our flies. Now, when we have to urinate, we simply pull out our members with the string, avoiding the need to wash our hands and saving time.” He gestured downward and, sure enough, the customer could see the dangling string.

“Thank you.” says the customer. “But I’m a bit puzzled. How do you get your members back in again without touching them?”

“Well, sir, I don’t know about the others, but I push mine back in with the spoon.”


----------



## Roger Knox

Jokes especially for Canadians:

How do you get Canadians out of the pool?
Say, "Please get out of the pool."

How many Canadians does it take to change a light bulb?
One, complying of course with the _Canadian Charter of Lights and Beacons_.


----------



## Roger Knox

What did 1 say to 5?
"You know 2 and 4, they're such 3-huggers!"


----------



## Roger Knox

How do we know even numbers are nauseating?

Because 2-4's cause 6


----------



## Dorsetmike

Newfie Air Disaster:
Canada's worst air disaster occurred earlier this morning when a Cessna 152 (a small two-seater plane) crashed into a cemetery in central Newfoundland.

Newfie search and rescue workers have recovered 825 bodies so far, and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.


----------



## hpowders

According to a DNA test, Elizabeth Warren has more in common with a Jeep Cherokee than the Cherokee Nation.


----------



## hpowders

What is Donald Trump's nightly prayer?

Please, Lord, let me not be seen walking with a Cain, as long as I am still Abel.


----------



## Dorsetmike

Woman finds her hubby in bed with a female midget! furious, she screams 'You promised you wouldn't cheat again!' Husband says 'Can't you see I've cut down'


----------



## Barbebleu

I may have posted this before. If so, apologies.
What's the difference between a magician's wand and a policeman's baton.
One is good for cunning stunts!


----------



## Merl

Apologies for this terrible old joke........

A French cat and an English cat are arguing over who is the superior swimmer. The cats are 'Un-deux-trois' and 'One-two-three' respectively. They decide to have a race to swim across the river. 'One-two-three' cat won because 'Un-deux-trois' cat sank.

Le groan!


----------



## geralmar

KenOC said:


>


My mother, long dead, was a linguist and scholar. She loved that joke. Thank you for reminding me... .


----------



## KenOC

Post deleted in the interests of good taste.


----------



## Roger Knox

Why was #1 jealous when it got a New House Prize?

Because 0-1-2


----------



## SixFootScowl

KenOC said:


> Post deleted in the interests of good taste.


Is that sort of like that you would not want to belong to a forum that would accept such a post as that which you retracted.


----------



## DaveM

A teacher shows a 2nd grader student a picture of an elephant and asks him what animal it is. The little guy says, ‘It’s a frickin elephant.’ The teacher is taken aback and asks again what animal it is. He repeats, ‘It’s a frickin elephant.’ and then points to the name at the bottom of the picture: African Elephant.


----------



## DaveM

Duplicate post.


----------



## Luchesi

A photon is going through airport security. 

The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. 

The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light.".


----------



## Dorsetmike

A flight is on its way to Sydney when a blonde in economy class gets up moves to the first class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then informs the blonde that she has only paid for economy class and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blond replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here.”

The flight attendant goes to the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo who has an economy ticket but is sitting in first class and won’t move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to return to her seat.

The blond replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here.”

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won’t listen to reason.

The pilot says, “You say she is a blonde? I’ll handle this, I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde.”

He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear and she then says “Oh, I’m sorry” and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask the pilot what he said to make her move without any fuss.

The pilot replied “I told her that first class isn’t going to Sydney.”


----------



## Dorsetmike

Solicitor phones one of his clients a multi millionaire art collector and says "I've got some bad news and some good news"

The guy says "I'm having a really bad day so give me the good news first"

"Your wife just paid £5000 for 2 pictures she thinks are worth between £15 and £20 and looking at them I think she's right"

"That's my wife, she's an amazing businesswoman! That's really cheered me up! I can handle the bad news now so what is it?"

"They're of you and your secretary"


----------



## Luchesi

A Red Sox fan walks into a Boston pub. Immediately he spies a guy wearing a New York Yankees cap. He shouts, "Bartender, a round for the house, except Mr. Yankee over there." The Yankees fan just smiles and says thank you. 

Infuriated, the Red Sox fan orders another round for the house excluding the Yankees fan. He just smiles and says thank you. 

This goes on for several more rounds. The Sox fan finally approaches the bartender and asks what gives? "Oh him? That Yankees cap fellow? He owns the place.”


----------



## rodrigaj

How do you get an elderly, catholic grandmother to say "****** You!"?










Shout out "Bingo!"


----------



## Luchesi

A guy said to God, "God, is it true that to you a billion years is like a second?"
God said yes.

The guy said, "God, is it true that to you a billion dollars is like a penny?"
God said yes.

The guy said, "God, can I have a penny?"
God said, "Sure, just a second."


----------



## TxllxT

- Do you have a problem with alcohol?

- No, I've got a problem with no alcohol...


----------



## Kjetil Heggelund

Yesterday, I fell asleep in class...I'm the teacher...fml


----------



## Guest

How do you make a bandstand?





Take away their chairs.


----------



## Dorsetmike

A couple of Halloween/mother in law;

Last Halloween there was a knock on the door. I looked out of the window and then shouted upstairs to my wife, “Honey there’s a witch at the door. What shall I do?”

She shouted back, “Just give her some candy and tell her to get lost.”

My mother-in-law hasn’t spoken to me since.
------------------------------------------
My wife said to me yesterday, “Honey, I think we should do something really scary for the kids this Halloween.”

I said, “Well, we could always take them to your mother’s.”


----------



## CnC Bartok

"I say, Holmes, why are you shoving citrus fruit up your bottom?"
"A lemon entry, my dear Watson"


----------



## LezLee

In a recent episode of ‘24 Hours in A.& E.’ one of the off-duty surgeons was wearing a ‘Game of Crohn’s’ tee-shirt.....


----------



## Dan Ante

LezLee said:


> In a recent episode of '24 Hours in A.& E.' one of the off-duty surgeons was wearing a 'Game of Crohn's' tee-shirt.....


We get that program down here so we should see that episode in 3-4 years time.


----------



## Luchesi

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.

I'm not sure what they were laced with,

but I've been trippin all day.


----------



## Roger Knox

Why did the egg cross the road?
- To come before the chicken.

Why did the egg-beater cross the road?
- To beat the egg.


----------



## Dorsetmike

Why did the chicken cross the road?

I dunno, some fowl reason I suppose.


----------



## Dorsetmike

Mr. Jones had gangrene on his left leg and had to have it cut off so he went to the hospital to have the operation. During the operation the doctor cut off the good leg by mistake. So then the doctor had to cut off the leg that had gangrene. After Mr. Jones came out of the operation he noticed that both legs had been cut off. Mr. Jones called his lawyer and filed a lawsuit against the doctor. Well the doctor and his lawyer had a long talk and the lawyer told the doctor he was in big trouble. I’m not worried, said the doctor. Mr. Jones doesn’t have a leg to stand on.


----------



## ldiat

Dorsetmike said:


> Mr. Jones had gangrene on his left leg and had to have it cut off so he went to the hospital to have the operation. During the operation the doctor cut off the good leg by mistake. So then the doctor had to cut off the leg that had gangrene. After Mr. Jones came out of the operation he noticed that both legs had been cut off. Mr. Jones called his lawyer and filed a lawsuit against the doctor. Well the doctor and his lawyer had a long talk and the lawyer told the doctor he was in big trouble. I'm not worried, said the doctor. Mr. Jones doesn't have a leg to stand on.


RIM SHOT! i heard it


----------



## Luchesi

Why did the turtle cross the road?

To get to the Shell station.


----------



## KenOC

Holmes and Watson go camping in the forest. After eating by the campfire, they crawl into their tent to sleep.

Later that night, Holmes wakes and says, “Watson, Watson, look upward and tell me what you deduce.”

“Well, Holmes, I deduce from the vast array of stars that many are likely to have planets, on some of which may live creatures much like ourselves. Am I right?”

“No, Watson you idiot, someone has stolen our tent!”


----------



## DaveM

A world war 2 American G.I. has just returned from the front and gets on a train in London. The train is full, but there is a woman whose little dog named Fifi is occupying a seat. The G.I. says to the woman, ‘Would you mind if I sat down there; I’m awfully tired.’ The woman replies, ‘Who do you think you are? Do you Americans think you have a right to everything?’ The G.I. then goes down the aisle through several cars, but there are no seats and he ends up back with the woman and her dog. ‘I’m awfully sorry, but I just returned from the front and I’m exhausted. Could I please sit there?’ The woman replies, ‘I don’t care where you’ve been. In fact, you wouldn’t have this problem if you hadn’t come over here in the first place.’ 

With that, the G.I. picks up the dog, throws it out the window and sits down. Immediately, an English gentleman sitting across the aisle, says, ‘You know, you Americans always do the opposite of the right thing. You hold your forks with the wrong hand. You drive on the wrong side of the road and you just through the wrong b*i*t*c*h out the window!’


----------



## Dorsetmike

I think my wife got a job with the local weather service.

Some man keeps calling the house and wants to know if the coast is clear!!!


----------



## Roger Knox

What did 9 say to 6?
Nice headstand.

What did 6 say to 9?
You're just a comma with a hole in the head!


----------



## Luchesi

Father: “Son, you were adopted.”

Son: “What?! I just knew it!! I want to meet my biological parents!”

Father: “We ARE your biological parents... Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes.”


----------



## TxllxT

Russian joke:
- Batushka, will you bury my cat?
- Go to the commercial church, they will bury your cat. We do not bury cats.
- Batushka, I've got 2000 dollar. Do you think that will be enough for the burial?
- ............... Why didn't you mention immediately that your cat was baptized!


----------



## Dorsetmike

The first 5 days after the weekend are the hardest.
-------------------------------------
If someone doesn’t like cats, it just means that he’s never had them cooked the right way.
-------------------------------------
If you give your wife flowers for no apparent reason, it makes her suspicious.


----------



## Pat Fairlea

Luchesi said:


> Father: "Son, you were adopted."
> 
> Son: "What?! I just knew it!! I want to meet my biological parents!"
> 
> Father: "We ARE your biological parents... Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes."


May I just say, speaking as the adoptive father of two sons, that's brilliant!


----------



## EddieRUKiddingVarese

Paddy invites all his friends round for a house warming party. After a few beers his friends look up at the wall and see a gong. They point to it and ask "what's that"? 
Paddy responds by saying "That's my speaking clock" 
What do you mean they ask. 
So Paddy says "Look I show you" and gets up and hits the Gong. 
From behind The wall they hear a voice: "Oh for Christ's sake it's 3am in the morning"


----------



## Luchesi

A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me 8 thousand dollars, but it's state of the art! It's perfect.' 

'Really,' answered the neighbour. 'What kind is it?' 

‘The time? Twelve thirty.'


----------



## Dorsetmike

An elderly snake went to the doctor and told him: “Doc, my eyesight is so bad, I can’t see to hunt any more. I think I need a pair of glasses.”

So the doctor fixed the snake up with a pair of glasses and told him to come back if he still couldn’t manage.

Two weeks later, the snake was back in the doctor’s office. “I’m depressed,” he complained.

“Why, what’s the problem?” asked the doctor. “Haven’t the glasses helped?”

“The glasses are fine,” sighed the snake. “But I’ve discovered that I’ve been living with a garden hose for the past three years.”


----------



## elgar's ghost

Q: What does John McEnroe say when observing the Dog Star through a telescope?

A: YOU CANNOT BE SIRIUS!!!


----------



## Luchesi

Donald Trump is giving a speech at a big convention. The secret service men are looking all around checking the place out. One of them spots a lone gunman! in the balcony and starts to shout, "Mickey Mouse, Mickey Mouse!"
A shot rings out and barely misses the president. He’s hurried backstage.

At the debrief they question the secret service man, "What the hell was it with shouting out Mickey Mouse out there??"
“Well.." he replied " I got so confused I meant to shout out - Donald duck!, Donald duck!”


----------



## Dorsetmike

Just think, if he had kept his mouth shut the gunman might not have missed!


----------



## Totenfeier

In the nastier version of this one, the assassination is successful. At the debrief, they ask the agent why he was shouting Mickey Mouse at the time.

"What?" he says. "You think I was gonna yell 'Donald, duck, Donald, duck?'"


----------



## TxllxT

My door is always open for you ---- Get out!


----------



## Dorsetmike

In a train from London to Manchester, a tourist was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment. “The trouble with you English is that you are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us. Look at me ... I’m me! I have a little Italian in me, a bit of Greek blood, a little Irish and some Spanish blood. What do you say to that?” The Englishman lowered his newspaper, looks over his glasses and replied “How very sporting of your mother!”


----------



## Dorsetmike

Todays bumper selection

“How was your blind date?” a college student asked her room-mate. “Terrible!” the roommate answered. “He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce”. “Wow! That’s a very expensive car. What’s so bad about that?” “He was the original owner!”
-----------------------------
A blonde is walking down the street and stops a man to ask for the time. The man, looking at his watch, helpfully responds “Why, certainly! The time is now four o’clock”. The blonde scratches her head and says “You know, it’s really weird. I’ve been asking people that question all day long, and each time I get different answer!”
----------------------------------
I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail. I looked round and this bloke shouts “That’s just for starters!”
---------------------------------------------
His girlfriend’s father was interviewing Young Charles. “So” said that impressive personage “you want to be my so-in-law, do you?” “Not particularly” said Charles tactlessly “but if I want to marry your daughter I haven’t much choice, have I?”
--------------------------------
A young millennial hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work.

The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile; gave him a broom; and said, “Your first job will be to sweep out the store.”

“But I’m a Harvard graduate,” the young man replied indignantly.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know that,” said the manager. “Here, give me the broom I’ll show you how it works.”


----------



## Roger Knox

Q: Why has Trump stopped Twittering?
A: He's switched to Alternative Fax.


----------



## Dorsetmike

These are quite punny



I tried to catch some fog ... I mist.
-----------------------------
When chemists die they barium.
--------------------------
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
----------------------------
A soldier that survived salt spray, mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
----------------------------
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
--------------------------
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian restaurant but I never met herbivore.
--------------------------------
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
------------------------------------
A dyslexic man walks into a bra. 
----------------------------------
PMS jokes aren't funny. Period.
------------------------------------
There was a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory.

It was followed by a pop quiz.
------------------------------------
The Energizer bunny was arrested and charged with battery
---------------------------
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
--------------------------------
When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.
--------------------------------
What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.
---------------------------
Broken pencils are pointless.


----------



## TxllxT

St Petersburg jokes:

- All of a sudden she grips his hand.
- [He thinks:] 'She's falling in love with me!'
- [She thinks:] 'I'm slipping away'.

The difference between Moscow and St Petersburg.
- 'Your coffee will be ready in ten minutes.'
- 'Ten minutes? So long?! I cannot wait that long; it's like eternity!'
- 'Your coffee will be ready over a week.'
- 'Doesn't matter, I'm used to waiting.- 
Why hurry and where to hurry to? 
And for that matter, what does it mean: time?'

For whatever difficult or incomprehensible situation you get into: read the Russian Classics.
Because there whatever and everything is a lot worse.

According to the French dictionary 'Hermitage' means: a place of seclusion.
- Yes, only you on your own and thousands & thousands of Chinese.


----------



## Dorsetmike

A man tells a rabbi " I have a strong desire to live to eternity; what should I do?"

"Get married" replies the rabbi.

"It's that simple? Would that allow me to live forever?"

"No, but the desire will disappear!"

(Many a true word spoken in jest?)


----------



## TxllxT

Another from St. Petersburg:

Lenin arrives at the Finlandia station. While standing a bit higher on the steps of the train wagon the gathered crowd roars: "Lennon! Lennon!! Lennon !!!" Lenin retorts: "No, not Lennon. I'm Lenin!" But the crowd continues shouting: "Lennon! Lennon !! Lennon !!!" "OK", Lenin says, and with a smooth voice he begins: "...Yesterday..."


----------



## Dorsetmike

Alternative response to the above "No, but the desire will disappear!"

"No, but it'll feel like it"


----------



## Dan Ante

Two Irish men, William Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzwilliam


----------



## KenOC

Dan Ante said:


> Two Irish men, William Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzwilliam


...walk into a bar...


----------



## Dan Ante

KenOC said:


> ...walk into a bar...


Yeh I knew I had forgotten something


----------



## EddieRUKiddingVarese

TxllxT said:


> Another from St. Petersburg:
> 
> Lenin arrives at the Finlandia station. While standing a bit higher on the steps of the train wagon the gathered crowd roars: "Lennon! Lennon!! Lennon !!!" Lenin retorts: "No, not Lennon. I'm Lenin!" But the crowd continues shouting: "Lennon! Lennon !! Lennon !!!" "OK", Lenin says, and with a smooth voice he begins: "...Yesterday..."


But that was McStalin's song


----------



## Roger Knox

What's the talent agencies' bargain on Wise Men this Christmas?

5-4-3


----------



## Roger Knox

KenOC said:


> ...walk into a bar...


... on St. Paddy's Day ...


----------



## Roger Knox

Why was 2 angry about the spa weekend the company gave her?

Because it gave 3-2-1.


----------



## Roger Knox

Roger Knox said:


> ... on St. Paddy's Day ...


... and see green beer being poured ...


----------



## Dan Ante

Roger Knox said:


> ... and see green beer being poured ...


into a second hand Euphonium...


----------



## Marinera

Bill Watterson quotes:

How come we play war and not peace?
Too few role models.

There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want.

They say the secret of success is being at the right place at the right time, but since you never know when the right time is going to be, I figure the trick is to find the right place and just hang around.


----------



## Dorsetmike

The following seen on another forum, - evil man:devil:



> There's no greater pleasure in life than logging into my wife's Amazon account and searching for random and bizarre stuff and then watching her face when she notices what Amazon suggests she may be interested in.


----------



## Roger Knox

Dan Ante said:


> into a second hand Euphonium...


attached to a hookah...


----------



## Dorsetmike

Roger Knox said:


> attached to a hookah...


Being smoked by a hooker


----------



## LezLee

TxllxT said:


> Another from St. Petersburg:
> 
> Lenin arrives at the Finlandia station. While standing a bit higher on the steps of the train wagon the gathered crowd roars: "Lennon! Lennon!! Lennon !!!" Lenin retorts: "No, not Lennon. I'm Lenin!" But the crowd continues shouting: "Lennon! Lennon !! Lennon !!!" "OK", Lenin says, and with a smooth voice he begins: "...Yesterday..."


Ken Dodd :

"What a lovely day for knocking on the door of the Kremlin and asking " Is Len in? "


----------



## Dorsetmike

Thought for the Day:

I’ve been sick and NEEDED a doctor. I’ve encountered trouble and NEEDED a police officer. I’ve lived through times of war, when our nation NEEDED our military. I have even NEEDED an auto mechanic, a plumber, a house painter and a lot of other every-day people.

But I have NEVER, not even once, NEEDED a pro athlete or Hollywood entertainer for ANYTHING.


----------



## Dorsetmike

Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed £30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her £30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money."
Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Jack took the money.


----------



## SixFootScowl

Dorsetmike said:


> Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
> The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
> Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed £30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
> Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her £30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money."
> Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
> The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
> Jack took the money.


Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. I love blonde jokes!


----------



## ldiat

The magic number is.......78
Subtract your age.
Now add 40.
Voila........you have the year you were born.


----------



## KenOC

ldiat said:


> The magic number is.......78
> Subtract your age.
> Now add 40.
> Voila........you have the year you were born.


That'll work only for 3 or 4 more weeks...


----------



## SixFootScowl

KenOC said:


> That'll work only for 3 or 4 more weeks...


no matter. He'll just change the magic number.


----------



## Dorsetmike

78-84+40=34, Is that AD or BC?


----------



## Luchesi

KenOC said:


> That'll work only for 3 or 4 more weeks...


It was a very good year.


----------



## Dan Ante

ldiat said:


> The magic number is.......78
> Subtract your age.
> Now add 40.
> Voila........you have the year you were born.


My gosh you are right. Fantastic


----------



## Roger Knox

Dorsetmike said:


> Being smoked by a hooker


... while William and Patrick were Puttin' on the Fitz ...


----------



## Dorsetmike

A cranky older woman “in her senior years” was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store. She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the security guard to the arresting officer who took her away. She complained and criticized everything and everyone throughout the process.

When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked her what she had stolen from the store.

The lady defiantly replied, “Just a stupid can of peaches, you old fool.”

The judge then asked why she had done it.

“I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store,” she huffed.”

The judge asked how many peaches were in the can.

She replied in a nasty tone, “Nine! But why do you care about that?”

The judge answered patiently, “Well, ma’am, because I’m going to give you nine days in jail -- one day for each peach.”

As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady’s long-suffering husband raised his hand slowly and asked if he might speak.

The judge said, “Yes sir, what do you have to add?”

The husband said meekly, “Your Honor, she also stole two cans of peas.”


----------



## Roger Knox

Q. How do you recognize pickpocket composers?

A. They have absolute pinch.


----------



## geralmar

"Sometimes in a restaurant I'll propose to my wife so we get free desserts".

--Stephen Colbert (?)


----------



## Dorsetmike

ohn, who lived in the north of England, decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy Shawn, so they loaded up John’s minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible downpour so they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

“I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently widowed,” she explained, “and I’m afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.”

“Don’t worry.” John said. “We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn and if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.”

The lady agreed and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared so they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of golf.

But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Shawn and asked, “Shawn, do you remember that good looking widow on the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?”

“Yes, I do.” said Shawn.

“Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?”

“Well, um, yes.” Shawn said, a little embarrassed about being found out, “I have to admit that I did.”

“And did you happen to give her my name and address instead of telling her your name?”

Shawn’s face turned beet red and he said, “Yeah, look, I’m sorry, buddy I’m afraid I did. Why do you ask?”

“She just died and left me everything.”

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn’t you? You know you smiled ... Now keep that smile for the rest of the day!!!).


----------



## Dorsetmike

An atheist was rowing on Loch Ness in Scotland one day, when suddenly the Loch Ness monster attacked and grabbed him from his boat. He panicked and shouted “God help me!”, and suddenly, the monster and everything around him just froze. A voice from the heavens boomed “You say you don’t believe in me, but now you’re asking for my help?” The atheist looked up and said, “Well, ten seconds ago I didn’t believe in the Loch Ness Monster either.”


----------



## Dorsetmike

A woman was telling her friend, “It was I who made my husband a millionaire.” “And what was he before you married him?” asked the friend. The woman replied, “A multi-millionaire”.


----------



## Dorsetmike

I remember when my mates used to cover me in chocolate and cream and Chuck cherries at me.........yeah! Life was tough in the gateaux!


----------



## Dorsetmike

Pie rates of the Caribbean

A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15

(sorry about this, but I didn't want to be the only one to suffer)


----------



## dismrwonderful

That's okay. Nobody croaked.


----------



## Dorsetmike

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter 
at the pearly gates. 

'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must 
each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get 
into heaven.' 

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a 
lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said. 

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said. 

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set 
of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.' 

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'. 

The Irishman started searching desperately through his 
pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. 

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and 
asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?' 

Paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'


----------



## Dorsetmike

Q: where does one go to weigh a pie ?












A. Somewhere over the rainbow.................weigh a pie


----------



## Roger Knox

Q. How do you recognize sponger composers?

A. They have relative pinch.


----------



## Kollwitz

What did St Patrick say when he was driving the snakes out of Ireland?

"Are yous alright in the back there lads?"


----------



## Luchesi

“If I had asked people what they wanted, they would have said faster horses...” –Henry Ford


----------



## ldiat

Luchesi said:


> "If I had asked people what they wanted, they would have said faster horses..." -Henry Ford


21.1 44.1 109.3 6F thats a fast horse!!


----------



## ldiat

Dorsetmike said:


> Q: where does one go to weigh a pie ?
> 
> A. Somewhere over the rainbow.................weigh a pie


Groooaaannnn (i heard this one b4:lol


----------



## Luchesi

ldiat said:


> 21.1 44.1 109.3 6F thats a fast horse!!


2016 AMZ Grimsel Electric Race Car 0-60 mph in 1.5 seconds


----------



## Dan Ante

Luchesi said:


> 2016 AMZ Grimsel Electric Race Car 0-60 mph in 1.5 seconds


As a teen I had a Vincent Rapid motor cycle about a 1952 from memory it did 0 to 30 mph in 1.5 sec I would love to have a go in the above car.


----------



## Dorsetmike

So I was at the bar last night and the Waitress Screamed...

“Anyone know CPR?”

I said, “Hell I know the entire alphabet.”

Everyone laughed...

Well everyone except this one guy!

--------------------------------------------

Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up too!

Unless you are in prison!


----------



## Dorsetmike

A weasel walks into a bar.

The Bartender says, “Wow, I’ve never served a weasel before. What can I get you?”

“Pop,” goes the weasel.


----------



## ldiat

Dorsetmike said:


> A weasel walks into a bar.
> 
> The Bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get you?"
> 
> "Pop," goes the weasel.


double ggggrrrrroooooaaaaannnnnn


----------



## LezLee

Just heard this one on a old ‘QI’ repeat:

A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket and goes “Aw, some ********’s got my pen”


----------



## Dorsetmike

Reminds me of this one

Doctor says "Mercury's in Uranus"

Patient says "I don't go for that astrology stuff"

Doctor says "Neither do I, my rectal thermometer just broke"


----------



## TxllxT

An extremely lengthy drought happened and the people of the village gathered at the rabbi's house.
They asked the rabbi if he could say a prayer for rain.
The rabbi answered and said: There will be no rain, because you are of little faith.
The people said: But look with how many we've come to you!
The rabbi said: If you would have had faith, you all would have come carrying an umbrella!


----------



## Dorsetmike

Thinking about starting up a dating agency for chickens...... I'm finding it hard to make hens meet


----------



## TxllxT

Odessa. In the park an old man is reading a book.
A KGB officer draws near where the old man is sitting and asks:
- Hey, grandfather, what are you reading?
- I'm studying Ivrit. It will be a help when I come to Israel.
- You to Israel? Do you know how many years it will take before everything is settled and you can go to Israel? You will be dead before that! 
- Well, even if I would die it will be still a help.
- Why?
- Well, when I come to heaven I will be able to talk with Moses and Abraham in a language they understand.
- But suppose you don't go to heaven but to hell...
- No problem. Russian language I already know well enough.


----------



## Bunky

That's the *clean *version.


----------



## Dorsetmike

Here today the weather is showing creeping islamification.

Partly sunni, but mostly shi'ite.


----------



## KenOC

Why are pirates called "pirates"?

Because they "arrrr".

Where did pirates come from?

Arrrrkansas.


----------



## Totenfeier

KenOC said:


> Why are pirates called "pirates"?
> 
> Because they "arrrr".
> 
> Where did pirates come from?
> 
> Arrrrkansas.


What's a pirate's favorite letter? (Most will answer "RRRR!")

No, matey - 'tis the "C!"


----------



## Dorsetmike

I was thinking;


If women do the same job for less money, why do companies hire men to do the same job for more money?


----------



## Bwv 1080

Two 9-11 truthers die and go to heaven. Now that they have the chance to ask any question of God, one of them asks "Who was REALLY responsible for 9/11?". 

God responds "A group of Al-Qaeda terrorists led by Osama Bin Laden and Khalid Sheikh Mohammed."

One truther gulps and turns to his friend. "Damn - This goes even higher up than we thought."


----------



## Luchesi

Dorsetmike said:


> I was thinking;
> 
> If women do the same job for less money, why do companies hire men to do the same job for more money?


If we want women to keep our species going, we have to be nice to them.


----------



## Ingélou

Two goldfish are in a tank. 
One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"


----------



## Ingélou

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. 

He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. 

After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. 

Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."


----------



## Zofia

Der Deutschlehrer fragt Zofia: “Was ist das für ein Fall, wenn du sagst: Das Lernen macht mir Freude?” Zofia überlegt nicht lange: “Ein seltener, Herr Lehrer!”. :lol::lol::lol:

This actually happened IRL


----------



## Ingélou

Zofia said:


> Der Deutschlehrer fragt Zofia: "Was ist das für ein Fall, wenn du sagst: Das Lernen macht mir Freude?" Zofia überlegt nicht lange: "Ein seltener, Herr Lehrer!". :lol::lol::lol:
> 
> This actually happened IRL



Could you translate this, please - TC has English as its default language. :tiphat:


----------



## SixFootScowl

Zofia said:


> Der Deutschlehrer fragt Zofia: "Was ist das für ein Fall, wenn du sagst: Das Lernen macht mir Freude?" Zofia überlegt nicht lange: "Ein seltener, Herr Lehrer!". :lol::lol::lol:
> 
> This actually happened IRL


Oh, ha ha, das ist sehr witzig. Gute antwort von ihrer seite. :lol:

I sure hope Google Translate got this right, lest I mis- speak and perhaps offend.


----------



## Ingélou

Fritz Kobus said:


> Oh, ha ha, das ist sehr witzig. Gute antwort von ihrer seite. :lol:
> 
> I sure hope Google Translate got this right, lest I mis- speak and perhaps offend.


Great!

Why are we suddenly getting all these posts in foreign languages?


----------



## Pat Fairlea

Ingélou said:


> Great!
> 
> Could you translate this, please? :tiphat:
> 
> Why are we suddenly getting all these posts in foreign languages?


Níl a fhios agam!


----------



## Ingélou

Pat Fairlea said:


> Níl a fhios agam!


Me neither. 
#####################


----------



## mmsbls

A reminder: The default language for TC is English. A post with a few foreign words is generally fine, but the main content should be in English.


----------



## ldiat

ok a chef joke

why did the apple turn red????

cause he saw the salad dressing!!! :lol: get it?

and when is a cook bad???

when he beats the eggs!! :lol:


----------



## Zofia

Ingélou said:


> Could you translate this, please - TC has English as its default language. :tiphat:


Apologises

German teacher asks Zofia: "What case is it, if you say "Learning brings me joy?" Zofia considers briefly: "A rare one, Mr. Teacher!"


----------



## Zofia

Ingélou said:


> Great!
> 
> Why are we suddenly getting all these posts in foreign languages?


Perhaps my fault maybe I will stop with my laziness. That said sometimes the funny is lost in translation still I will write only Eng now.


----------



## SixFootScowl

Zofia said:


> Apologises
> 
> German teacher asks Zofia: "What case is it, if you say "Learning brings me joy?" Zofia considers briefly: "A rare one, Mr. Teacher!"


Learning is generally more joyful when it is self directed and voluntary than when it is required.


----------



## Zofia

Fritz Kobus said:


> Learning is generally more joyful when it is self directed and voluntary than when it is required.


I love school but I love grammar jokes to!

Also my British friend hates these jokes but they are good! Example...

Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house?

Yes! Because a house can't jump.


----------



## SixFootScowl

Zofia said:


> I love school but I love grammar jokes to!



English is Hard, But Can Be Understood Through Tough Thorough Thought Though.


----------



## RockyIII

A blind man walks into a bar and proceeds to pick up his seeing eye dog by the tail and spin it around in a circle above his head.

The bartender says, "Whoa buddy! What's the matter?"

The blind man replies, "Nothing. Just looking around."


----------



## ldiat

RockyIII said:


> A blind man walks into a bar and proceeds to pick up his seeing eye dog by the tail and spin it around in a circle above his head.
> 
> The bartender says, "Whoa buddy! What's the matter?"
> 
> The blind man replies, "Nothing. Just looking around."


aaaahhh said the blind man who picked up the hammer and saw!!!!


----------



## Zofia

In America they say dank memes...

In Deutschland they say *DANKE* memes!!!


----------



## Roger Knox

Zofia said:


> Der Deutschlehrer fragt Zofia: "Was ist das für ein Fall, wenn du sagst: Das Lernen macht mir Freude?" Zofia überlegt nicht lange: "Ein seltener, Herr Lehrer!". :lol::lol::lol:
> 
> This actually happened IRL


No need to apologize, to me anyway! I _like_ this joke/example of the Dative case. It reminds me of German language lessons, which I have appreciated. English has the same two meanings of "case." But one difference from German is that in North America we don't talk about "case" in grammar much, because many people don't know grammar. I'm afraid that the meaning that first pops into my mind is either a "case" of beer (12 bottles) or a criminal "case."

I hope your answer didn't cause trouble for you!


----------



## elgar's ghost

Zofia said:


> In America they say dank memes...
> 
> In Deutschland they say *DANKE* memes!!!
> 
> View attachment 112405


In England we'd be saying that we'd be worried about our car.

Oh, dear - I bet I'm in trouble now...


----------



## Dan Ante

elgars ghost said:


> In England we'd be saying that we'd be worried about our car.
> 
> Oh, dear - I bet I'm in trouble now...


*In NZ we say "she'll be right mate"*


----------



## Ingélou

At breakfast I was reading the obituary of the British comedian Jeremy Hardy, and one of his jokes quoted there really took my fancy:

*'I try to live every day as if it were my last - lying in bed, slipping in and out of consciousness.'*

I think why I like it is that the first part of the statement has become such a virtue-signalling cliché, which is then cut down to size. 
It's the same in my favourite fridge-magnet joke:

Before you criticise anyone, you must walk a mile in their shoes. That way, *when* you criticise them, they'll be a mile away; *and* - you'll have their shoes!


----------



## Ingélou

This one - from a health-related forum I belong to - is very 'stupid' - but still...

*The late Marvin Gaye once kept a sheep in his vineyard.

He used to sing about how he had to herd it through the grapevine.*


----------



## Zofia

Ingélou said:


> At breakfast I was reading the obituary of the British comedian Jeremy Hardy, and one of his jokes quoted there really took my fancy:
> 
> *'I try to live every day as if it were my last - lying in bed, slipping in and out of consciousness.'*
> 
> I think why I like it is that the first part of the statement has become such a virtue-signalling cliché, which is then cut down to size.
> It's the same in my favourite fridge-magnet joke:
> 
> Before you criticise anyone, you must walk a mile in their shoes. That way, *when* you criticise them, they'll be a mile away; *and* - you'll have their shoes!


Oh I enjoy this one the schadenfreude!! Off the scales.:lol:

I am sorry to hear if his death.


----------



## Ingélou

The sons of the emperor of Austria got into a quarrel. 

In the height of passion, one of them said to the other, “You are the greatest fool in Vienna!”

Highly offended by their having the audacity to argue in his presence, the emperor rebuked them: “You forget that I am present!”


----------



## Dorsetmike

I hate it when I go to check my Facebook and I'm rudely interrupted by joggers bouncing off my windscreen!


----------



## Dorsetmike

My friend's wife left him last week, she said she was going out to get some milk and never came back

I asked him how he was coping

He said "not bad, I'm using that powdered stuff"


----------



## Dorsetmike

Harry and Joe are two men working at the local sawmill.

One day, Joe slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the
big bench saw.
Harry quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Joe
to the local hospital.

Next day, Harry goes to the hospital and asks after Joe
The nurse says, "Oh he's out in Rehab exercising".

Harry couldn't believe it, but there's Joe out the back exercising
his now re-attached arm.
The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.

A couple of days go by, and then Joe slips and severs his leg
on another blooming big saw.

So Harry puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Joe
off to Hospital.

Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is.
The nurse replies, "He's out in the Rehab again exercising".

And sure enough, there's Joe out there doing some serious work
on the treadmill. And very soon Joe comes back to work.

But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and
severs his head.

WearilyHarry puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and
Joe to hospital.

Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Joe is.
The nurse breaks down and cries and says, "He's dead."

Harry is shocked, but not surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in."
.
.
.
.
.


"No", says the nurse, "Some dopey b****** put his head in a plastic bag
and he suffocated”.


----------



## Zofia

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? 



It's okay. He woke up. :lol:


----------



## RockyIII

Have you heard the joke about the rope? Skip it.


----------



## RockyIII

Have you heard the joke about the well? It's deep.


----------



## Pat Fairlea

Ingélou said:


> At breakfast I was reading the obituary of the British comedian Jeremy Hardy, and one of his jokes quoted there really took my fancy:
> 
> *'I try to live every day as if it were my last - lying in bed, slipping in and out of consciousness.'*
> 
> I think why I like it is that the first part of the statement has become such a virtue-signalling cliché, which is then cut down to size.
> It's the same in my favourite fridge-magnet joke:
> 
> Before you criticise anyone, you must walk a mile in their shoes. That way, *when* you criticise them, they'll be a mile away; *and* - you'll have their shoes!


One of the late Mr Hardy's shortest and best was his stand-up line "I come from a big family. Mammals"


----------



## WatchfulRaven

*A silly C Major joke*

I thought I'd share a silly joke I thought up with you all, just to brighten your day a little.

Teacher: You know that C Major uses only the white notes on a piano, no sharps, no flats. Do you understand why very few piano compositions are written in C Major?
Student: Uh...because C Major only uses the white notes in its scale so therefore it's racist?
Teacher: What am I going to do with you?


----------



## Dorsetmike

A thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money. The man started sobbing and said, “You can take anything you want. You can kill me also. But please untie the rope and free her.”

Thief: “You must really love your wife!”

Man: “No, but she will be home shortly”.


----------



## TxllxT

Joke from the forgotten past.

An American and a Soviet citizen are boasting about their great leaders.
- Well, Hoover has unlearned our American citizens drinking. Therefore he is the greatest.
- Mwah...., Stalin has unlearned our Soviet citizens eating. Therefore he is the greatest.


----------



## haydnguy

"When I said common sense I mean my sense. And that we should have that in common."


----------



## Totenfeier

haydnguy said:


> "When I said common sense I mean my sense. And that we should have that in common."


Can't remember where I got this one: "How odd that I have never met anyone besides myself whose opinions are always correct."


----------



## millionrainbows

If Schoenberg had written the Brandenburg Concertos, they'd be the Raisin Brandenburg Concertos.


----------



## Jacck

Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline. 
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. 
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. 
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6. 
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call. 
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship. 
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. 
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, no one will answer. 
If you are dyslexic, press 969696969696969. 
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the dash key until a representative comes on the line. 
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother’s maiden name. 
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000. 
If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you. 
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. 
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9…


----------



## Barbebleu

I picked up a hitch-hiker the other day and as he got into the car he said " How do you know I'm not a serial killer?"

I laughed and said " The chances of two serial killers being in the same car are astronomical!!"


----------



## Luchesi

KenOC said:


> A pirate with a steering wheel on his crotch walks into a bar and orders a pint of grog.
> 
> Bartender says, "Why certainly sir, but...did you notice you have a steering wheel on your crotch?"
> 
> Pirate says, "Arghhh, and it be drivin' me nuts!"
> 
> I lied about the seemly part.


 Pirates wore earrings because they believed it improved their eyesight.


----------



## Jacck

I asked the boss if I could get a raise, and he said, "Because of the fluctuational predisposition of your position's productive capacity as juxtaposed to the industry standards, it would be monetarily injudicious to advocate an increment." I said, "I don't get it." He said, "That's right."


----------



## Jacck

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."


----------



## Dorsetmike

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
"One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me ...."
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend, he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!"
The man said, "Beat it, kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...?"
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last, they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...."

They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.


----------



## millionrainbows

Mars, the Bringer of water-boarding
Venus, the Bringer of divorce
Mercury, the Bringer of hot wings
Jupiter, the Bringer of LMAO! LMAO!
Saturn, the Bringer of bed pans and Icy Hot
Uranus, the erection
Neptune, the dealer of bad hands


----------



## millionrainbows

A cowboy tied his horse to the post in front, and went into the saloon. After his beer, he went back out and discovered that his horse's balls had been painted with bright yellow paint.
Furious, he stomped back into the bar and exclaimed "All right!!! Who's the sorry S.O.B. who painted my horse's balls yellow?"
A huge, muscular 7-foot tall man stood up and yelled back, "I did!"
The cowboy looked up at him and replied, "Okay...I just wanted to let you know that the first coat is dry."


----------



## Dorsetmike

I met a magical fairy yesterday who said she would grant me one wish. “I wish to live forever,” I said. “Sorry,” said the fairy, “I’m not allowed to grant that particular wish.” “Fine,” I said, “then I want to die the day after the government is filled with honest, hard-working, bipartisan men and women who act only in the people’s best interests!” “You crafty b******,” replied the fairy.


----------



## Ingélou

From a Friend's Page on Facebook.


----------



## TxllxT

A Jew in New York sees somewhere in a street the sign 'Chaim Goldberg - China Restaurant'. He went inside and notices, that there are only Chinese in there. He stops a waiter and asks: 'This is really a Chinese restaurant?' 'Yes, sir'. 'And your cook, is he Jewish?' 'No, sir'. 'And the food, is it kosher?' 'No, sir'. 'So tell me, who is Chaim Goldberg?' 'He's our boss, sir'. The Jew asks whether he can talk with the owner of the restaurant. A small and very old Chinese appears. 'Chaim Goldberg'. The Jew asks: 'How is it possible, that you are Chinese and carry a Jewish name?' He says: 'It is very simple'. Many years ago, when I came to America by ship, they made us line up in a row and they started to write down our names. The man in front of me said: 'Chaim Goldberg'. Then they asked me. And I said: 'Same Sing'.


----------



## Dorsetmike

A friend of mine was an archaeologist but had to change his job - his career was in ruins.


----------



## Dorsetmike

How do make a bear cross?



Nail 2 together


----------



## Dorsetmike

Why is money called 'dough'?




Because we all 'knead' it.


----------



## Dorsetmike

I am currently reading a book about anti-gravity matter - it is impossible to put down.


----------



## Dorsetmike

How about the ice cream van man who was found on the floor of his van covered in hundreds and thousands.
Police believed he topped himself.


----------



## Dorsetmike

After Quasimodo’s death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.

The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day when an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer’s job.

The bishop was incredulous. “You have no arms!”

“No matter, “said the man. “Observe!” And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.

The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.

Unfortunately, while rushing forward to strike the last bell of the song, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.

The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before.

As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, “Bishop, who was this man?”

“I don’t know his name,” the bishop sadly replied,... “but his face rings a bell”

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop resumed his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, “Your Excellency, I am the brother of the armless man who fell to his death yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to try to replace him.”

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and armless man’s brother stooped, picked up a mallet and struck the bells as beautifully as had his brother. But as he finished, he groaned, clutched at his chest, fell to the floor and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop’s cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.

“What has happened? Who is this man?” the first monk asked breathlessly.

“I don’t know his name,” sighed the distraught bishop, but “only that he’s a dead ringer for his brother.”


----------



## Dorsetmike

I was chatting with my kids and said " I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependant on a machine and a bottle of fluids, just pull the plug"
They got up, unplugged me computer and threw out me wine, the barstewards


----------



## KenOC

If you are experiencing joint pain, you probably shouldn’t be holding the lit end.


----------



## Jacck

The boss came to work in a new car today. So I told him that it's a great car and that I really like it. He replied, "If you work honestly, diligently, do overtime and work on weekends, then I'll buy an even better one next year"


----------



## Dorsetmike

I planted some bird seed but no birds came up, only grass and weeds


----------



## Dorsetmike

I’m bored, I think I’ll go the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car with the reverse lights on.


----------



## KenOC

Dorsetmike said:


> I'm bored, I think I'll go the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car with the reverse lights on.


Reminded me of Jack Handey: "As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way."


----------



## SixFootScowl

Dorsetmike said:


> I'm bored, I think I'll go the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car with the reverse lights on.


General Motors beat you to it! I rarely pause to let someone out for reverse lights being on because all too often the car is not backing out.


----------



## Dorsetmike

Thoughts on marriage

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.


----------



## geralmar

upload image site


----------



## Flamme

Two cows are standing in a field. The first cow says to the second " have you heard about this mad cow disease? It makes cows go crazy and then they die". The second cow replies " good thing I'm a helicopter" :lol:


----------



## Sad Al

Boris Johnson gets caught committing an act of bestiality with sheep. "Don't interrupt, I'm enjoying this herd immunity thing", he explains.


----------



## Flamme

To be frank, I'd have to change my name. :lol:


----------



## geralmar




----------



## Flamme

What do you call a broken can opener?

A can’t opener. :lol:


----------



## Sad Al

Two cannibals are about to eat their victim. One says to the other " Wait! Did you remember the hand hygiene?" 

"Yep, I hacked them off first"


----------



## Flamme

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.:lol::tiphat:


----------



## Sad Al

A cannibal to his son: "Lend your mother a hand in the kitchen, will you?"

– But daddy, there's still flesh on its bones!


----------



## Flamme

What do we want? "Airplane noises!" When do we want them? "Nyeow!"


----------



## geralmar




----------



## Sad Al

A cannibal walks into a bar and orders a Bloody Mary – rare, not medium.


----------



## Room2201974

My brother ran away from home to join mime school - we never heard from him again.


----------



## Sad Al

Donald Trump walks into a bar carrying the nuclear briefcase. The bartender says, "Hey, orange buddy, don't start anything in here."


----------



## Barbebleu

Until I met my wife I never knew there was a wrong way to hang up washing! (Sorry dear, just kidding.)


----------



## Sad Al

A giraffe walks into a bar and orders a scotch. The bartender says, "That's a tall order."


----------



## mrdoc

Why do Nuns go around in pairs?
So one Nun can make sure the other Nun don't get nun _boom boom_


----------



## Dorsetmike

Yesterday I was at my local supermarket buying a large bag of My dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What? Did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Dog Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 10 kilograms before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with My Dog Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's butt and a car hit me.


----------



## Sad Al

A can of Coke comes down with a fever and cough. A can of Pepsi says, "It may be the virus. Go see Dr Pepper."


----------



## Sad Al

Why does a pathologist listen to his autopsy saws?

Because they are real ear-openers.


----------



## TxllxT

Sarah: - Isa, when we get married I will share with you all your worries and sorrows.
Isa: - But Sarah, I don't have any worries or sorrows!
Sarah: - I said: when we get married......


----------



## HenryPenfold

A woman came into a bar that I was working in and asked for a double entendre, so I gave her one.


----------



## HenryPenfold

The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife.

They said, "Is this your wife, sir?"

Shocked, I answered, " Yes."
They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."

I said, "I know, but she has a great cook."


----------



## HenryPenfold

Barman: We don't serve neutrinos here.

A neutrino walks into a bar.


----------



## HenryPenfold

I told my wife she had drawn her eyebrows on too high. She looked surprised.


----------



## mrdoc

Here lies the body of sign writer Joe 
He fell through the hole in a capital O 
It could have been worse it could have been better 
But he went as he came through a hole in a letter


----------



## Sad Al

What path leads to the top of society?

– Sociopath


----------



## Sad Al

Three little green martians walk into a bar and ask for a screwdriver.

The utterly surprised bartender says, "So your spaceship needs repairing!"

Martians say, "Do you fix your spaceships with cocktails?"


----------



## HenryPenfold

I got pulled over by the police in my car at 2.00am last night.

Officer: "where are going?"
Me: "to a lecture"
Officer: "At this time in the morning? What's the lecture about?"
Me: "The ills of alcohol, hedonism, staying out late, not living morally, that sort of thing"
Officer: "Whose giving the lecture?"
Me: "That'll be my wife."


----------



## Sad Al

Ten purple gorillas walk into a bar and order banana daiquiris.

The bartender says, "It's monkey business as usual!"


----------



## Room2201974

Duck walks away into a shop.


"Got any bread?"
"No"
"Got any bread?"
"No"
"Got any bread?"
"No"
"Got any bread?"
"Listen, if you don't stop asking me for bread I'm going to nail your beak to the floor."
"Got any nails?"
"No"
"Got any bread?"


----------



## Room2201974

Due to my isolation I finished three books yesterday and believe me, that's a lot of coloring.


----------



## senza sordino

I was on the train the other day, and a woman sat down across from me. She leaned over and said "Do you mind if I do my make up on the train?"

I replied, "Sure, go, ahead, but it's still going to look like a train"


----------



## Dorsetmike

It is very strange. For the last few days I've woken up to find that someone has dumped a load of LEGO on my doorstep.

I don't know what to make of it. 
-----------------------
To see if it would make my racing snail more aerodynamic, I removed his shell in the hope that 
it would make him faster. 

It didn't work. It only made him sluggish.
---------------------------
I caught my neighbour attaching a rocket engine to a deer so I immediately reported him to the authorities.

Shame on him for trying to make a quick buck


----------



## Dorsetmike

The Humphrey Bogart Book of Mathematics

Chapter 4: Here's looking at Euclid


----------



## Sad Al

Adolf Hitler walks into a bar and ask for a Kirschwasser on the rocks. WW2 isn't going well, he feels exhausted. Then he spots a hot blonde with big boobs.

Mr. Führer says, "What's a nice Aryan girl doing in a place like this?"

The girl says [you continue]


----------



## mrdoc

If it takes a kg of tripe to knit an Elephant a football jersey Y is a mouse when its spinning?

because the higher it gets the fewer...:lol:


----------



## TxllxT

Czech Corona Jokes
https://scontent-amt2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-0/s403x403/91565305_524550531590136_5042479080826470400_n.jpg?_nc_cat=102&_nc_sid=e007fa&_nc_ohc=ZGt_WvC1byIAX9h50ss&_nc_ht=scontent-amt2-1.xx&_nc_tp=7&oh=820c7bbe501d350cdc2d5932e5954e52&oe=5EB5468B
"Now really everyone is getting bored"
https://scontent-ams4-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-0/s403x403/91337224_522940618417794_6125340151188029440_n.jpg?_nc_cat=110&_nc_sid=0be424&_nc_ohc=8ftByf-EsZMAX-J7zr9&_nc_ht=scontent-ams4-1.xx&_nc_tp=7&oh=1bc240ed7cde395c9c63567ec5cce329&oe=5EB56C75
"Corona bench"
https://scontent-amt2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-0/p403x403/91641350_524550298256826_4902285391165390848_n.jpg?_nc_cat=106&_nc_sid=e007fa&_nc_ohc=ALU-ITYVdiAAX8GIykI&_nc_ht=scontent-amt2-1.xx&_nc_tp=6&oh=135e19e5163a0cc6880cb6a50976f6ba&oe=5EB2D077
"Are you looking forward to the summer?"
https://scontent-ams4-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-0/s403x403/91825189_526341961410993_4347351354251935744_n.jpg?_nc_cat=111&_nc_sid=e007fa&_nc_ohc=UF8-hTpfqOkAX9GP3B5&_nc_ht=scontent-ams4-1.xx&_nc_tp=7&oh=47c076c76dad16ad2f93c05c432abe44&oe=5EB5D4B0
"The tests from China have arrived >> [You do not have coronavirus]


----------



## Sad Al

Jesus Christ walks into a bar, well oiled, and asks for a double screwdriver.

The bartender says, "No, you are drunk Mr Christ. Go away"

Jesus says, "Okay, but watch out for my second coming!"


----------



## Sad Al

A lone cheetah dies of coronavirus and starvation. A herd of antelopes comments: "That's what you get without herd immunity"


----------



## EdwardBast

A priest, a rabbit and a minister walk into a bar. The rabbit says "I think I might be a typo."


----------



## SixFootScowl

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After his first sip, he hears a high-pitched voice, but he can’t tell where it’s coming from.

"Hey, mister! I like your tie!" it says.

He looks around, but he doesn’t see anything, and decides to shrug it off. After a little bit, he takes another sip, and another tiny voice pipes up.

“Hey, hey, mister! Nice shoes!”

Again, he looks around, but he sees nothing but the bartender who is busy taking some other customers’ orders. Shaking his head, he takes another sip.

“Hey, mister! I like your haircut!”

He puts down his drink, frustrated, and signals to the bartender, who walks over, polishing a glass.

“Hey, barkeep,” he says, “what’s with the high-pitched voices I keep hearing?”

“Oh, those are the peanuts,” he replies. “They’re complimentary.”


----------



## SixFootScowl

A man walks into a bar he leans over and says to the bartender, "Hey, will you give me a free beer if I show you something so amazing that I can guarantee you've never seen it before?"

The bartender says, "Okay, but it had better be good."

The man reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He sets the hamster down on the bar. It scurries about, jumps off the end, turns a perfect somersault in midair, and lands on the piano. He then begins to dance across the keys, playing the piano beautifully. The bartender says, "Wow! That was truly incredible! Have a beer."

The man finishes his beer and says to the bartender, "Hey, if I show you something else that is so amazing I can guarantee you've never seen before, will you give me another free beer?"

"If it's as amazing as that hamster, then sure," the bartender replies.

So the man reaches into his other coat pocket and pulls out a frog. He sets the frog down on the bar, and the frog begins to sing beautifully. The bartender is again amazed, and the man earns another beer.

As the man is drinking his beer, a guy at the other end of the bar walks over and says, "What a performer! I'll give you $500 for that frog."

The first man says, "It’s a deal!" and sells the guy his frog. The bartender shakes his head slowly. "Not that it's any of my business, mind you, but that was a real, live singing frog. Why would you sell it for only $500? You could have made millions off of it."

The man says, "Nah, don't worry. The hamster's also a ventriloquist."


----------



## SixFootScowl

A dog walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “Do you have any jobs?” The bartender says, “Why don’t you try the circus?” The dog replies, “Why would the circus need a bartender?”


A termite walks into a bar and says, "So is the bar tender here?"


A man walks into a bar. It hurt!


----------



## Room2201974

Technically, pennies from heaven would be climate change.


----------



## Flamme

A dog limps into a saloon, with a bandage around his leg and a mean scowl. He looks around suspiciously. The barman, polishing whiskey glasses, eyes the dog and says ' Evenin' pardner, what happened to you? '
Dog replies 'Sombody shot my paw'.


----------



## Sad Al

A young looking virus walks into a bar and orders a corona beer.
The bartender asks, "Are you of legal drinking age?"
"I'm 19, COVID-19."


----------



## Sad Al

I tried to read Marquis de Sade but going through his books was torture.


----------



## Tikoo Tuba

What do you call a gay pilot ?
A pilot .
What do you call the gay pilot's assistant ?
The bi-pilot .


----------



## Sad Al

What happened to Chip 'n' Dale?
They became Buddhist chipmonks.


----------



## Meldo

Thank you for making me laugh, being on a quarantine in this property in Germany and I needed to cheer myself up and this thread helped my for sure.


----------



## HenryPenfold

My mate lost an arm and a leg in a motorbike accident and I saw him yesterday. I asked 'what are you doing today?' He said he was gonna change a light bulb. Rather uncharitably, I laughed at him and said that's gonna be really difficult! He said he was confident as he still has the receipt.


----------



## mikeh375

A man walks into a chiropodist and slams his ***** on the receptionists counter.

Receptionist - "That's not a foot"
Man - "No, but it's a good 11 inches right?"

(I hope that's not too unseemly)


----------



## Sad Al

A carbon monoxide molecule walks into the cockpit of a 737.

Captain CO2 asks, "Who the hell are you?"

"I'm your co-pilot."


----------



## Room2201974

I was going to tell a time travel joke, but you guys didn't like it.


----------



## Flamme

Talkin bout ''ttime travellers''

*
Sorry sir, we don't serve time travelers here
A time traveler walks into a bar
*
:lol:

*
I think my wife is a time traveler
I've seen that doctors are saying you should avoid close physical contact to stop the spread of coronavirus. Somehow she knew about this years ago.*


----------



## Sad Al

A bat flies into a bar from an open window.

The bartender says, "Watch out, it might carry the coronavirus!"

The bat responds, "Are you crazy? Pangolins don't fly."


----------



## Flamme

A man and a woman were traveling in a train.
Woman: Every time you smile, I feel like inviting you to my place.
Man: Aww....! Are you single?
Woman: No, I am a Dentist.
:lol:


----------



## Sad Al

Josef Mengele and Crystal Gayle were traveling in a train.
Woman: Every time you smile, I feel like you're making my brown eyes blue.
Man: Aww....! Are you Jewish?
Woman: No, I am Walt Disney.


----------



## Sad Al

What's the difference between Brahma, Vishnu and Shiva?
Brahma is a composer, Vishnu is a competitor and Shiva is a composter


----------



## Flamme

How did the Corona Virus travel across world?
It flu.
:lol:


----------



## Sad Al

Flamme said:


> How did the Corona Virus travel across world?
> It flu.
> :lol:


Nope. Rather this way:

How did the Corona Virus travel across world?

It flew over the Cuckoo's Nest.


----------



## Sad Al

Seven teenager viruses are traveling in a train. Who's the oldest?

COVID-19.


----------



## Tikoo Tuba

How many shamans does it take to enlighten a bulb ?


----------



## Flamme

Tikoo Tuba said:


> How many shamans does it take to enlighten a bulb ?


A traveler stopped at a monastery and they invited him to stay for a delicious dinner of fish and chips.
After dinner he went in the kitchen and asked a guy "Are you the fish friar?" and the guy said "No I'm the chip monk."
:lol:


----------



## Sad Al

Let's invent some new bar jokes. I start, you fill in the blanks and make a new bar joke. 

Herbert von Karajan walks into a bar and orders "".

The bartender says, ""

Karajan responds, ""


----------



## LezLee

A man enters a French record shop and asks if they sell modern music. The salesperson replies, "I am sorry monsieur, we avant garde any at the moment".


----------



## Sad Al

Jesus Christ walks into a bar – extremely oiled – and orders a screwdriver.

The bartender says, "No. You're drunk Mr Christ."

Jesus responds, "No problem. A gallon of water then and I'll turn it into wine!"


----------



## Flamme

Knock Knock
Who’s There?
To
To Who?
It’s to whom.


----------



## LezLee

Before this Coronavirus I enjoyed fly fishing, my best was a ten pound bluebottle.


----------



## HenryPenfold

This lock-down is getting difficult. My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm yesterday. I accidentally passed her the superglue - she hasn't spoke to me since .....


----------



## science

My favorite Korean / English pun joke is: 

What did the mommy turkey tell her children? 

Gobble-jima!

That's Korean for either "Stop gobbling," or "Stop screwing around," something that Korean mothers tell their children occasionally. If you know any little bilingual Korean kids, they'll love it if they haven't heard it already. Teens, well, secretly they'll love it too.


----------



## SixFootScowl

I did a theatrical performance about puns.

It was a play on words.


----------



## science

Some of these jokes remind me of when I was a kid. I caused so much trouble in church, but I never meant any harm. I was just trying to find Gladly the Cross-Eyed Bear. 

Of course my backside was always a little sore when I got to church. Jesus said to suffer the children to come to him, and my parents took that line of the Bible literally. 

Unfortunately, no matter how much the pastor threatened me with hellfire and brimstone, I was getting mixed messages at home. Hardly a day went by without my mother telling me I was completely insulfurable. 

Still, to Pastor's credit, he tried. He sat me down in his office and asked me where God was. Well, I was not fool enough to answer that question, so I just looked at the floor until he left to get my mom. She came in and demanded to know why I wasn't talking to Pastor, and I was like, Mom, Pastor's lost God and he thinks I have Him. 

Of course my mom just chuckled and told me not to worry, but she didn't understand. I knew God was in my heart because Pastor had just told me that the day before. But I had no idea what Pastor might be willing to do to get God back.


----------



## Room2201974

In a perfect world envelopes would moan when you licked them.


----------



## Dorsetmike

What do you call a horse that lives next door?


A neigh-bour.


----------



## Sad Al

ABBA was surrounded by a bunch of furious gorillas. How did they escape?

They said: – Let's have a Chiquitita.


----------



## Barbebleu

A guy was arrested at Glasgow Airport trying to smuggle 10 kilos of Botox. To be fair he didn’t look surprised!


----------



## Luchesi

sesquipedalian


----------



## mikeh375

thanks for the giggles this AM folks


----------



## hammeredklavier

Luchesi said:


> View attachment 138046


Wouldn't this sound different from the C major triad in just intonation?
(I take it that the meme is saying "the chord is essentially the C major triad, written with accidentals")


----------



## VitellioScarpia

hammeredklavier said:


> Wouldn't this sound different from the C major triad in just intonation?
> (I take it that the meme is saying "the chord is essentially the C major triad, written with accidentals")


It would. The joke assumes an equal temperament instrument.


----------



## pianozach

Luchesi said:


> View attachment 138046
> 
> 
> sesquipedalian





hammeredklavier said:


> Wouldn't this sound different from the C major triad in just intonation?
> (I take it that the meme is saying "the chord is essentially the C major triad, written with accidentals")


It might, depending on which instruments for which you score it.

It won't sound any different on a keyboard or most other percussion instruments though.


----------



## SanAntone

Jack: Hey you wanna hear a good "knock, knock" joke?

Jim: Sure

Jack: Okay, ask me knock, knock

Jim: Knock, knock


----------



## Neo Romanza

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: Because it had nowhere else to go.

Someone at work told me this joke and thought it was funny and apparently he was the only one. Sometimes we crack ourselves up.


----------



## HenryPenfold

Room2201974 said:


> In a perfect world envelopes would moan when you licked them.


Not saying my mother-in-law is ugly, but when she licks an envelope, the envelope pulls a face.


----------



## Luchesi

Q: Why did the turtle cross the road?
A: To get to the Shell station!


----------



## Barbebleu

I was looking at myself in the mirror and I said to my wife “ You know, I have the body of a twenty year old.”

My wife replied “ Yeah, and when he sees what you’ve done with it he’ll go mental!”


----------



## Merl

Sad Al said:


> ABBA was surrounded by a bunch of furious gorillas. How did they escape?
> 
> They said: - Let's have a Chiquitita.


Is it just me, my mate and Mrs Merl but none of us get this one?


----------



## mrdoc

Merl said:


> Is it just me, my mate and Mrs Merl but none of us get this one?


Cheeky //////////////////////////


----------



## TxllxT

A young man comes to the rabbi with questions he is interested in.
“Tell me, Rabbi,” the young man asks, “is it possible to look at immodestly dressed women on the street?”
“Yes,” the old rabbi answers.
- And on the beach, when they are in swimsuits?
“You can, too.”
“What if they are in Eve’s costume?” - the young man does not relent.
“You can still,” the rabbi answers again.
- Excuse me, but what can a Jew not look at ?!
- Well, for example, at electric welding or the sun.


----------



## Luchesi

Sex is a lot like playing bridge. 


If you don’t have a good partner you'd better have a good hand!


----------



## Flamme

An American ship is sending out a distress signal, "HELP, we are sinking!"
German ship radios back in "What are you sinking about?"
:lol:


----------



## geralmar




----------



## Dorsetmike

Two men working in a factory were talking. "I know how to get some time off," said the first one.
"Oh yeah, how are you going to do that?" asked the second.
"Just watch," he said, and climbed up onto a rafter.
After a short while, the foreman spotted him. He shouted "What the hell are you doing up there?"
The first man replied. "I'm a light bulb."
After a short, thoughtful pause, the foreman said, "I think you need some time off", whereupon the first man walked out of the factory.
After a moment, the second man followed him. "Where do you think you're going?" the foreman shouted.
"I can't work in the dark," he said.


----------



## Dorsetmike

I went to have an Indian warrior tattoo'd on my back today.
After about half hour, I said "Don't forget to put a big tomahawk in his hand."
The tattooist said "Give me chance mate, I've only just finished his turban."


----------



## geralmar




----------



## Dorsetmike

Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger are having a few beers and discussing future film ideas ,arny says maybe we should do something different,maybe historical,a serious period piece, Stallone thinks for miniute and says, yeah maybe something musical, I could play Vivaldi as I'm Italian. Arnie replies I'll be Bach


----------



## Barbarella

I always wanted to be a Gregorian monk, but I never got the chants...


----------



## geralmar




----------



## SixFootScowl

......................


----------



## geralmar




----------



## geralmar




----------



## SixFootScowl




----------



## Eclectic Al

Customer walks into a butcher's shop and asks: "Have you got a sheep's head?"
The butcher replies: "No. It's just the way I comb my hair."


----------



## Luchesi

Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make!

.......then they call me ugly and poor..


----------



## SixFootScowl

Did you know why ants never get sick? It's because they have Anty bodies.


----------



## Ich muss Caligari werden

Why couldn't the skeleton cross the road?

Because he didn't have the guts.


----------



## TxllxT




----------



## Luchesi

I, for one, like Roman numerals.


----------



## En Passant

“My wife said, she will leave me, when I take part in this chess tournament next week.”

“So what will you do?”

“1.e4, like always!”


----------



## geralmar




----------



## En Passant

These jokes are so bad I can't Handel them...


----------



## KenOC

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.


----------



## Flamme

A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the huband keeps looking. The wife asks: "What are you waiting for?" The husband replies: "Autumn''.:lol:


----------



## geralmar




----------



## John King

A dyslexic walks into a bra.........

Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks: "Olive, or twist?"


----------



## Guest

Here's a joke from the 'Garbo laughs' scene in "Ninotchka".

Two men are looking at the moon. One of them asks, "is it true that a lot of people live on the moon?". The other one says, "sure; it's true. About 500 million!". Then the first one says, "Phew, they must be pretty crowded when it's half moon!".

(Ninotchka doesn't laugh; it's only when he swain falls of his chair when that happens.)


----------



## NoCoPilot

When Andre The Giant, 7'4" and 504 lbs, died and was buried in 1993, it was an enormous undertaking.


----------



## Barbebleu

My kids say they want a cat for Christmas 

I normally do a turkey, but hey, if it’ll make them happy..........


----------



## Flamme

Well, surprise them. Remember, there is more than ONE way to skin the cat...


----------



## Dorsetmike

After my recent prostate exam, which, I must say, was the most thorough I've ever had, the doctor left and the nurse came in. As she shut the door, she asked me a question I didn't want to hear.

She said...

.
*
"Who was that guy?"*


----------



## Barbebleu

A government minister is doing a tour of a hospital and looks in on one of the wards. He goes up to the first bed and asks the occupant how they are. The guy replies “Wee sleekit cooerin’ timorous beastie, oh what a panic’s in thy breastie’

The minister looks a bit baffled and goes up to the occupant of the next bed and asks him how he is doing. This guy replies ‘My luv is like a red, red rose that’s newly sprung in June”. 

Baffled again the minister tries the third bed and this time the guy says “ For a’ that and a’that, a man’s a man, for a’that”. 

The minister turns to a doctor and asks “What’s this ward all about then?”

“Ah” replies the doctor, “ this is the serious Burns unit!” 

I’m here all week!:lol:


----------



## Flamme

Snow White and the six Dwarfs, Sneezy was caught by covid19 quarantine


----------



## KenOC

A policeman saw a women drive by in a pickup truck. In the back of the truck were 20 penguins. The policeman pulled the woman over and said "Lady, you need to take those penguins to the zoo." The women said "Yes, sir." and drove away.

The next day the policeman saw the same women. The back of the pickup was still full of penguins. He pulled her over and said, "I thought I told you to take those penguins to the Zoo." The women replied, "I did. Today we’re going to the beach."


----------



## Barbebleu

Guy sees an old friend out walking his dog and notices that the dog is wearing little black boots. He asks his friend why the dog is wearing little black boots. His friend replies “ His little brown ones are being mended!”


----------



## EdwardBast

Food-server's humor from upstate New York:

What's the difference between a canoe and a Canadian?

Canoes tip.


From Seinfeld:

What's the difference between a sadist and a dentist?

Better magazines.


----------



## Barbebleu

I once asked my barber to give me a haircut like Tom Cruise. 

So he put a cushion on the seat!


----------



## Barbebleu

EdwardBast said:


> Food-server's humor from upstate New York:
> 
> What's the difference between a canoe and a Canadian?
> 
> Canoes tip.


Cruel, but fair. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


----------



## Flamme

Whaddaya got when ya got yourself a deer with no eyes?

Ya got no-eye-dear.


----------



## CnC Bartok

Flamme said:


> Whaddaya got when ya got yourself a deer with no eyes?
> 
> Ya got no-eye-dear.


Yeah, and a fish with no eyes is a fsh.


----------



## vincula

NoCoPilot said:


> When Andre The Giant, 7'4" and 504 lbs, died and was buried in 1993, it was an enormous undertaking.


The story of this portentous burial reminds me of another one. There was this woman in Wales, who was so well-known for her insatiable sexual appetite that she had to be buried in a Y-shape coffin. They just couldn't put her legs together.

Regards,

Vincula


----------



## Luchesi

I named my dog 6 miles so I can tell people that I walk 6 miles every single day.


----------



## Flamme

vincula said:


> The story of this portentous burial reminds me of another one. There was this woman in Wales, who was so well-known for her insatiable sexual appetite that she had to be buried in a Y-shape coffin. They just couldn't put her legs together.
> 
> Regards,
> 
> Vincula


Funny lol

When you're hunting at a forest resort and you shoot a deer but then you remember that there are no deer and you are not at the forest resort.


----------



## Malx

vincula said:


> The story of this portentous burial reminds me of another one. There was this woman in Wales, who was so well-known for her insatiable sexual appetite that she had to be buried in a Y-shape coffin. They just couldn't put her legs together.
> 
> Regards,
> 
> Vincula


I won't tell you one about the guy who overdosed on Viagra - but I'm sure you can work it out.


----------



## Dorsetmike

What does a surveyor do when the bulb blows?

He switches on theodolite


----------



## SixFootScowl

Dorsetmike said:


> What does a surveyor do when the bulb blows?
> 
> He switches on *theodolite*


I actually got to use one of those in forestry camp back in the 1980s.


----------



## WNvXXT

Before crowbars crows usually drank alone at home.


----------



## Dorsetmike

So if a cow doesn’t produce milk, is it an udder failure?


----------



## Belowpar

Flamme said:


> Snow White and the six Dwarfs, Sneezy was caught by covid19 quarantine


Reminds me. When the lock down before this one (losing count here) was announced in the UK, the rules restricted groups to a max of 6. A popular meme at the time had Snow White telling the Dwarfs who could attend tomorrow. One of them wasn't Happy.


----------



## SixFootScowl




----------



## Dan Ante

Dorsetmike said:


> So if a cow doesn't produce milk, is it an udder failure?


An old Max Miller joke that I have on Vinyl

There was an old Cow from Huddersfield 
And not one pint of milk would this cow yield 
The reason why no milk she'd yield
She didn't like her uddersfield


----------



## Dorsetmike

Did you know that The Magnificent Seven once filmed an aftershave commercial at Liverpool football ground?

Actually, only six of them took part, because Yul never wore cologne.


----------



## Dan Ante

Dorsetmike said:


> Did you know that The Magnificent Seven once filmed an aftershave commercial at Liverpool football ground?
> 
> Actually, only six of them took part, because Yul never wore cologne.


What is the Magnificent Seven? I don't follow boy bands at all.


----------



## pianozach

Dan Ante said:


> What is the Magnificent Seven? I don't follow boy bands at all.


Not a boy band. They were domestic terrorists.


----------



## Dan Ante

pianozach said:


> Not a boy band. They were domestic terrorists.


 Same thing .......................


----------



## Dorsetmike

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Magnificent_Seven
A "Western film


----------



## Dan Ante

Dorsetmike said:


> https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Magnificent_Seven
> A "Western film


That is a bit far fetched Mike, nearer the mark would be Snow White."%##@smail.kom


----------



## pianozach

Dorsetmike said:


> https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Magnificent_Seven
> A "Western film


Um, yeah, thanks. We all know that. That's the joke.


----------



## pianozach

The _REAL_ Magnificent Seven

*The Seven C's
*


----------



## Flamme

I wondered if Noah liked apples, then I realized he preferred pears.:lol:


----------



## geralmar




----------



## WNvXXT




----------



## NoCoPilot

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!
Officer: Age?
Husband: I'm not sure. Somewhere about 60 or so. We don't do birthdays.
Officer: Height?
Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
OFFICER : Weight?
Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
OFFICER : Color of eyes?
Husband: Sort of brown I think.
OFFICER : Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can't remember.
OFFICER : What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.
OFFICER : What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my truck.
OFFICER : What kind of truck was it?
Husband : A 2005, manufactured September 16th, 04, teal Chevy Silverado HD 2500 Limited 4X4 .with 6.6 Duramax Diesel, with 5th wheel hitch, Edge 2400 5 level power chip, leather heated seats, climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching BLACK hard folding cover for the bed, Weather Tech floor mats. Trailing package with Super-slider hitch, and top of the line Prodigy brake controller. Pioneer AVS 2700 stereo with bluetooth,MP3, and CD/ DVD, and satellite reciever. Garmin Nuvi 4700 GPS navigation, satellite radio, and I added special XD series alloy wheels and off-road Michelin tires. It has custom running boards, and custom license plates ...
At this point the husband started choking up.
OFFICER:Take it easy sir, we'll find your truck.


----------



## KenOC

Christmas joke, originally told on this thread, I think.

Back in the good old days of the USSR, there was a well-known Party member and meteorologist named Rudolph. His wife asked him for tomorrow’s forecast. He said, “Heavy rain.”

She said, “How can you say that? It’s such a nice evening! Heavy rain would have to give some kind of warning, wouldn’t it?”

Rudolph just shrugged. “Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”


----------



## Flamme

If I don't get a girlfriend by Christmas.
The mistletoe won't be the only thing hanging from the ceiling.


----------



## SixFootScowl

Flamme said:


> If I don't get a girlfriend by Christmas.
> The mistletoe won't be the only thing hanging from the ceiling.


So the bottle of wine you were going to share with her will be hanging from the ceiling, perhaps with an IV tube to you.


----------



## Dorsetmike

You can go from fat to fit

With one good vowel movement


----------



## NoCoPilot

How to become a millionaire in the record business.

1. Start with two million dollars....


----------



## Flamme

NoCoPilot said:


> How to become a millionaire in the record business.
> 
> 1. Start with two million dollars....


I heard a different variant...''Women make great millionaires!-From ex-billionaires''...


----------



## Dorsetmike

What does a condiment wizard perform?

Saucery


----------



## NoCoPilot

If Danny Devito grew two more feet... he'd be a quadruped.


----------



## NoCoPilot

Every year California imports more dried grapes than it exports. This is known as its raisin debt.


----------



## Flamme

I would lose weight for my New Year's resolution ...

... but I hate losing.


----------



## Dorsetmike

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy


----------



## Tikoo Tuba

In ear-training class we learned to wiggle our ears .


----------



## NoCoPilot

I went to order a time machine... but discovered I already had one.


----------



## Luchesi

Today I saw twin pandas! 
...that bares repeating 


I used to have a big problem with grammatical tenses.. 
...but not yet! 


Just married! 
...makes it sound like they're already disappointed


----------



## SixFootScowl

An 80 year old man was arrested for shop lifting.

When the man went before the judge he asked him, "What did you steal?"

He replied, "A can of peaches."

The judge then asked the man why he had stolen the can of peaches, and he replied that he was hungry.

The judge then asked the man how many peaches were in the can. He replied 6.

The judge then said, "I will then give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the man's wife spoke up and asked the judge if she could say something.

The judge said, "What is it?"

The wife said, "He also stole a can of peas."


----------



## WNvXXT

An Indian woman hitchhiking back to the Rez in the middle of the night was picked up by a white woman.

The Indian woman says - what are you doing out on the road this late?

She points to a brown paper bag and says - I got this bottle of wine for my husband.

Good trade.


----------



## NoCoPilot

A man notices his neighbor has a new Harley-Davidson in his garage, right next to the one he's been riding for years.

"New bike?" he asks his neighbor.

"Yeah, I got it for the wife," his neighbor replies.

"Mmmm, good trade."


----------



## Dorsetmike

“Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.”


----------



## Ich muss Caligari werden

Some Fun Things to do on an Elevator: 1.) Make race car noises whenever anyone gets on or off; 2.) Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly; 3.) Crack open your briefcase or purse and while peering inside, ask "Do you have enough air in there?"; 4.) Give religious tracts to each passenger; 5.) Yell, "Chutes Away!," whenever the elevator descends; 6.) Meow occasionally; 7.) Show other passengers a wound and ask them if it looks infected; 8.) Stare, grinning, at a passenger for a while and then announce, "I've got new socks on!"; 9.) When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open themselves; 10.) Do Tai Chi exercises.


----------



## WNvXXT

I accidentally swallowed a bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.


----------



## SixFootScowl

Ich muss Caligari werden said:


> Some Fun Things to do on an Elevator: 1.) Make race car noises whenever anyone gets on or off; 2.) Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly; 3.) Crack open your briefcase or purse and while peering inside, ask "Do you have enough air in there?"; 4.) Give religious tracts to each passenger; 5.) Yell, "Chutes Away!," whenever the elevator descends; 6.) Meow occasionally; 7.) Show other passengers a wound and ask them if it looks infected; 8.) Stare, grinning, at a passenger for a while and then announce, "I've got new socks on!"; 9.) When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open themselves; 10.) Do Tai Chi exercises.


Also can try jumping while it is going down. Actually fun to do.

I remember once reading in a Leo Buscaglia book where he said he would like to get on a crowded elevator, turn and face everybody, and say, "Wouldn't it be nice if the elevator got stuck and we could all get to know each other?"


----------



## Ad Astra

NoCoPilot said:


> OFFICER:Take it easy sir, we'll find your truck.


Superb joke the best I've seen here. :lol:


----------



## Barbebleu

Guy comes down to breakfast and his wife is already sitting at the table. 
She asks him “Do you notice anything different about me this morning?”

He replies “New hair-do?”
“no”
“New dress?”
“No”
“New shoes”
“No”
“I give in then, what is it?”
“I’m wearing a gas mask”


----------



## Luchesi

Why did the Borg cross the road?

because it assimilated the chicken.


----------



## Flamme

Naah, it was the Thing!


----------



## WNvXXT

How long was Cain mad with his brother?

As long as he was Abel.


----------



## Flamme




----------



## WNvXXT

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police.

What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?

I’m a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act.

Oh yeah? Let’s see you do it.

He gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.

A couple driving by slows down to watch - Wow, I’m glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they’re giving now.


----------



## Dorsetmike

I got fired from the Pasta factory today.

A bit unfair - I only made a fusilli mistakes!


----------



## WNvXXT

I have joined the Flat Earth Society, now the only thing I am afraid of is sphere itself.


----------



## geralmar

WNvXXT said:


> I have joined the Flat Earth Society, now the only thing I am afraid of is sphere itself.


----------



## pianozach

The other day, at a thrift store, I bought an old record album called "*Sounds Wasps Make*".

When I got it home and played it, I said to myself, _*"This doesn't sound anything like wasp sounds."*_

Then I realized I was playing the Bee side.


----------



## Dorsetmike

My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I'd hidden. We'll never play Scrabble again.


----------



## geralmar

"Mom, what's a metaphor?"

"My life is a train wreck."

"I know Mom; but what's a metaphor?"


----------



## geralmar




----------



## WNvXXT

Once upon a time there lived a king that stood but 12 inches tall. He was a terrible king, but he made a great ruler.


----------



## HenryPenfold

Does anyone know if it's possible to have a skin graft taken from a buttock to donate to someone who isn't a relative ?
Arseskin for a friend.


----------



## HenryPenfold

Guy goes to the Doctor. 
Doctor: What seems to be the problem?
Patient: My hearing is deteriorating.
Doctor: OK! What are the symptoms?
Patient: They're a cartoon family from the TV.


----------



## HenryPenfold

*Warning!
*
If you receive an email link stating "John Rutter's 5 most recent choral works" - *do not open it*, it's a link to John Rutter's 5 most recent choral works


----------



## HenryPenfold

I recently put my father in a nursing home. So a couple of days ago I rang up to see how he's getting on ..

*Me*: How's he doing?

*Care Home*: He's like a fish out of water.

*Me*: He's not fitting in?

*Care Home*: No, he's dead


----------



## HenryPenfold




----------



## Dorsetmike

Two acrobats met and fell head over heels in love.


----------



## pianozach

Lately people have been making *apocalypse* jokes like there's *no tomorrow*.


----------



## Jacck

Covid versions

1.00 - China

1.01 - update patch British

1.02 - update patch South Africa

1.03 - update patch Brazil


----------



## Dorsetmike

I gave away some dead batteries today - they were free of charge.


----------



## geralmar




----------



## geralmar




----------



## HenryPenfold

My railway enthusiast friend's ambition was to die under the wheels of his favourite steam train. When it actually happened, he was chuffed to bits ....,


----------



## Ingélou

Q. My child won't eat fish. What can I replace it with?

A. What about a cat? Cats love fish.


----------



## Ingélou

I asked the librarian if she had any books on Paranoia.

She whispered,"They're behind you."


----------



## Taggart

Imagine this (if you will). A small group of Scottish soldiers got split up from the main army while fighting the enemy on foreign soil. Said enemy were over the other side of a hill firing with heavy guns and scoring against the small band of men. Boom, boom, boom went the guns and the munitions splattered the Scottish and reduced from 14 to 9 the advancing men. And yet (and yet) the pipers played and the drums rolled......... After barely a few moments - the same thing happened again - boom, boom, boom, went the guns and the brave group were reduced to only 5....... Their leader turned round and shouted to the principal piper, "Hey, Jimmy, can ya nae play something they like?"


----------



## Jacck

My wife asked why I talked so quietly today, I told her I was afraid mark zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed, I laughed, Siri laughed and Alexa laughed!


----------



## Animal the Drummer

pianozach said:


> Lately people have been making *apocalypse* jokes like there's *no tomorrow*.


Yeah, and armageddon worried about it.


----------



## HenryPenfold

Need to get my eyes tested. My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm and I gave the superglue by accident. She hasn't spoken to me since ....


----------



## Luchesi

President Lincoln was shot in a Ford theater
but President Kennedy was shot in a Ford Lincoln


President Reagan was shot in Washington
but President Washington was shot by a ray gun!


----------



## Chilham

Grandpa told us he had a bad back so we greased-up his back.

He went downhill fast after that.


----------



## NoCoPilot

Luchesi said:


> President Lincoln was shot in a Ford theater
> but President Kennedy was shot in a Ford Lincoln


Both Lincoln and Kennedy were succeeded by a President Johnson after their assassination. Lincoln's secretary Kennedy told him not to go to the Ford Theater. Kennedy's secretary Lincoln told him not to go to Dealey Plaza. Booth ran from Ford Theater and was apprehended in a warehouse. Oswald ran from the book warehouse and was apprehended in a theater. Both Booth and Oswald were assassinated before they could be tried. Lincoln was inaugurated in 1860, Kennedy in 1960.

Of course, not all of these urban myths are true.


----------



## NoCoPilot

My grandmother took up walking when she turned 80 to stay in shape. She's been walking five miles a day ever since.

We figure she's somewhere about Kansas by now.


----------



## Dorsetmike

Recently took up silent tennis. It's like regular tennis, but without the racket.


----------



## Jacck

According to the Chinese Zodiac, 2020 was the Year of the Rat
So we've been spending the entire year holed up, only briefly leaving to get food, running at the sight of other humans, and transmitting infection.


----------



## Art Rock

A priest, a pastor and a rabbit enter a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asks the rabbit: "What's your blood type?" The rabbit answers: "I'm probably a type O".


----------



## Jacck

Elon Musk and Bill Gates should team up to invent a cure for erectile dysfunction, and name it ElonGates


----------



## Metairie Road

Jacck said:


> Elon Musk and Bill Gates should team up to invent a cure for erectile dysfunction, and name it ElonGates


I wish they'd hurry up. I just use it to pee with at the moment.


----------



## Barbebleu

Two staunch trade unionists are walking through the park one spring day. 
One of them turns to the other and says ‘I see the crocuses are out.’
His companion replies ‘How will that affect us?’


----------



## HenryPenfold

You have to put your main car headlights on when it's raining in Sweden - stupid law, how am I supposed to know if it's raining in Sweden?


----------



## Taggart

HenryPenfold said:


> You have to put your main car headlights on when it's raining in Sweden - stupid law, how am I supposed to know if it's raining in Sweden?


It's like Scotland - it's *always* raining!


----------



## Malx

Taggart said:


> It's like Scotland - it's *always* raining!


I'll dispute that generalisation Taggart - East central Scotland today sunniest and warmest place in the UK - downside I have no excuse to put off tidying the garden 

ETA - 17 degrees in Fife I now have an excuse - its too hot for a Scotsman to do work in the garden


----------



## Barbebleu

West of Scotland is lovely today too. Sitting out in garden having a coffee.


----------



## Jacck

Apparently the government has several models to forecast how the pandemic will play out
They should use scientists instead - they're not as pretty but they know a lot more.


----------



## NoCoPilot

Comedian Louis C.K. (real name: Székely) has a new sitcom coming out, loosely based on "Gilligan's Island." He's calling it "Isle of Lou C."


----------



## WNvXXT

My girlfriend went to the paint store to get thinner. It didn't work.


----------



## Malx

NoCoPilot said:


> Comedian Louis C.K. (real name: Székely) has a new sitcom coming out, loosely based on "Gilligan's Island." He's calling it "Isle of Lou C."


Took me a minute - I must be getting old


----------



## Jacck

Why do blondes tip-toe past medicine cabinets?
So they don’t wake up the sleeping pills.


----------



## WNvXXT

I had a happy childhood. My Dad and I played a game. He put me in a tire and rolled me down a hill. They were Goodyears.


----------



## erki

My son found this on the internet somewhere: There are way more airplanes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky!


----------



## HenryPenfold




----------



## HenryPenfold

Archeologists have discovered what they believe is the tombstone of the oldest ever living man in the British Isles. He was 193, his name was Miles and he was from Dublin.


----------



## Jacck

HenryPenfold said:


> .


it looks like a statue of our president


----------



## Jacck

Interviewer: How do you explain this four year gap in your employment history?
Me: That was when I went to Yale
Interviewer: Wow! That's great. You're hired!
Me: Thanks, I really need this yob.


----------



## Jacck

The spread of Corona Virus is based on 2 factors:

1. How dense the population is.

2. How dense the population is.


----------



## NoCoPilot

A man in a Florida supermarket asks if he can buy half a head of lettuce.

The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce.

The man persists, and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy says to his manager, 'Some idiot wants to buy half a head of lettuce.' As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, 'And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.'

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?'

'Canada , sir,' the boy replied.

'Well, why did you leave Canada ?' the manager asked.

The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there.'

'Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Canada.'

'No kidding?' replied the boy. 'Who'd she play for?'


----------



## Jacck

*Transcript of a radio conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995*

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. Over.

Americans: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision. Over.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. Over.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. Over.

Canadians: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course. Over.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP. OVER.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call. Over.


----------



## Jacck

Why are bacteria so bad at math?
Because they multiply by dividing.


----------



## NoCoPilot

They say you are made whole again when you ascend into Heaven...

Does that mean I get my foreskin back?


----------



## pianozach

NoCoPilot said:


> They say you are made whole again when you ascend into Heaven...
> 
> Does that mean I get my foreskin back?


Maybe you'll end up like the angels, with no genitals at all.


----------



## NoCoPilot

That's not Heaven to me.


----------



## Ingélou

I'm so glad I learned how to play the recorder at school.
It has come in so handy in life.
I've lost count of the times a really difficult situation has been resolved with a quick burst of Three Blind Mice.


----------



## Dorsetmike

The baby looks just like his father. I wish he looked like my husband, instead.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The baby isn’t out yet. You’ll have to wait 16 years before he tells you he’s gay...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Yes, ma’am, this IS the maternity hospital, but no. We don’t have any return policy.


----------



## HenryPenfold

Received some bad news today. A good friend has been struck off for having a physical relationship with one of his patients. Seven years of graduate and post graduate training down the pan, as well as 25 years excellent experience and clinical development.

All for one moment of weakness.

I'm so upset. Couldn't have happened to a nicer chap - He's such a good friend, great guy, wonderful husband, loving father of three beautiful daughters and an excellent vet.


----------



## Dorsetmike

Do Jewish Catholics sing Oy veh Maria?


----------



## Jacck

Two fish are in a tank, one turns to the other and says,
"How do you drive this thing?"
Two soldiers are in a tank, one turns to the other and says, 
"BLUGHGLGHGBGBHB"


----------



## WNvXXT

How many ears did Davy Crockett have?

Three. A right ear, a left ear, and a wild front ear.


----------



## Dan Ante

Jacck said:


> Two soldiers are in a tank, one turns to the other and says,
> "BLUGHGLGHGBGBHB"


*WHAT on earth are you on about, that makes no sence at all unless they are speaking double dutch.*


----------



## Taggart

Jacck said:


> Two fish are in a tank, one turns to the other and says,
> "How do you drive this thing?"
> Two soldiers are in a tank, one turns to the other and says,
> "BLUGHGLGHGBGBHB"





Dan Ante said:


> *WHAT on earth are you on about, that makes no sence at all unless they are speaking double dutch.*


Not a motorised tank, but a water tank.


----------



## Ingélou

WNvXXT said:


> How many ears did Davy Crockett have?
> 
> Three. A right ear, a left ear, and a wild front ear.


Love it! 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


----------



## HenryPenfold

I bought my mother in law a toilet brush for Xmas. She couldn't get on with it, she's gone back to paper.


----------



## SixFootScowl

HenryPenfold said:


> I bought my mother in law a toilet brush for Xmas. She couldn't get on with it, she's gone back to paper.


Ooooooooh. That's horrible!


----------



## NoCoPilot

And the vet joke wasn't???


----------



## Dorsetmike

> How many ears did Davy Crockett have?
> 
> Three. A right ear, a left ear, and a wild front ear.


How many ears did Captain Kirk have...
Three; Left ear, right ear and a final front ear...


----------



## WNvXXT

What do baristas wear to protect their customers?

Coughy Filters.


----------



## mikeh375

Think Ken Dodd....
"What a lovely day for stuffing carrier bags down your mother-in -law's tights and saying How's that for varicose veins".
(I had the pleasure of working with him a few times in Liverpool and that was his opening line one night. A gig that was meant to last 1 hour or so ended up being 3 hours long, the schedule all over the shop and the band (I was the keyboardist) in chaos because he didn't stick to any pre-arranged order of songs or jokes (the punch lines of which were supposed to be used as cues for a song to commence). Not that it mattered, we were all corpsing with uncontrollable laughter most of the time anyway.


----------



## SixFootScowl

NoCoPilot said:


> And the vet joke wasn't???


I must have missed that one, maybe just as well.


----------



## Luchesi

Dogma: the mother of puppies.


----------



## Ingélou

Luchesi said:


> Dogma: the mother of puppies.


Reminds me of one of my husband's oldest jokes:

Is that a catechumen? (catty coming)
No, it's a dog, ma.

They don't make them like that any more.


----------



## NoCoPilot

Your karma ran over my dogma.


----------



## HenryPenfold

OMG! Looking out my window I can see the local tax office is on fire! No need for anyone to do anything, I've already written to the Fire Brigade.


----------



## HenryPenfold

With the bars open from 12.00am last night I had a marvellous night and got blind drunk. Decided to leave the car and take a bus home, figured it was best and quickest (the police never stop them and just wave them through checks etc). This morning I woke up with a terrible hangover and no idea how I managed to get home, especially since I've never driven a bus before.


----------



## Dorsetmike

A Norseman is shopping at a supermarket when he comes across an old lady in a wheelchair, almost in tears.
"What's the matter?" He asks.
"Oh," sobs the old lady. "I want to have a look at the frozen puddings but, as you can see, there are three steps down into the chiller cabinets."
"No problem," he says lifting her onto his back. "I'll take you."
He strolls through the chiller cabinets with the old lady on his back. She selects several puddings and puts them in the basket he is carrying for her.
At the other end the old lady's husband is waiting with her wheelchair.
"I'd really like to thank you," says the old lady as he sets her back down in the chair, "but I don't even know who you are!"
He just waves and walks off.
"I was really worried about you," says the old lady's husband. "What have you been doing?"

She replies, "Well, I've been through the desserts on a Norse with no name."


----------



## Luchesi

But what if soy milk is just regular milk introducing itself in Spanish??


----------



## WNvXXT

My brother got pulled over by the state troopers and the trooper asked my brother - Got any ID?

My brother replied - About what?


----------



## Belowpar

Faculty.. What my East End neighbour's shout when they've run out of PG tips.




(apologies to those unfamiliar with the British Isles. It really wouldn't standup to a 'translation/explanation")


----------



## Pat Fairlea

Dorsetmike said:


> A Norseman is shopping at a supermarket when he comes across an old lady in a wheelchair, almost in tears.
> "What's the matter?" He asks.
> "Oh," sobs the old lady. "I want to have a look at the frozen puddings but, as you can see, there are three steps down into the chiller cabinets."
> "No problem," he says lifting her onto his back. "I'll take you."
> He strolls through the chiller cabinets with the old lady on his back. She selects several puddings and puts them in the basket he is carrying for her.
> At the other end the old lady's husband is waiting with her wheelchair.
> "I'd really like to thank you," says the old lady as he sets her back down in the chair, "but I don't even know who you are!"
> He just waves and walks off.
> "I was really worried about you," says the old lady's husband. "What have you been doing?"
> 
> She replies, "Well, I've been through the desserts on a Norse with no name."


Excellent! Made Mrs Pat laugh quite immoderately.


----------



## Dorsetmike

I got fired from my job because I kept asking customers
whether they preferred Smoking or Non-Smoking.

Apparently the correct terms I should have used were
cremation or burial.


----------



## WNvXXT

Went away and it rained the whole time. A mist vacation.


----------



## Dorsetmike

A man sees the local Vicar walking around the village
which is odd because he is usually riding his bicycle.

"Good Morning Vicar, where's your bicycle", asks the man.

"I'm afraid someone has stolen it," says the Vicar, "But
don't worry. I know how to get it back. Tomorrow I'm
going to preach on the Ten Commandments and when I
get to 'Thou shalt not steal,' I will look round the
congregation and see who has a guilty face."

"Good idea, Vicar," says the man. "That should get your
bicycle back."

Two days later the man sees the Vicar riding his bicycle
around the village and he says,"So it worked then Vicar"

"Not quite," says the Vicar. "I did preach on the Ten
Commandments like I said, but when I got to 'Thou 
shalt not commit adultery,' I remembered where I'd
left my bike."


----------



## TxllxT

Odessa joke

"Phima, you know that the Soviet hammer & sickle is a secret sign of circumcision?" 

"Well, I can figure out about the sickle, but what about the hammer?"

"The hammer is needed for the narcosis".


----------



## TxllxT

Odessa Joke

"My dear, shall we go to the Mozart concert?"

"Why? It is clearly written that the concert is not for us, but for the flute and orchestra".


----------



## TxllxT

Odessa Joke

A guy goes home from the burial of his deceased mother in law.
While walking suddenly a brick falls down next to him.
The guy lifts his eyes to heaven and says: "Mama, I see that you are already there."


----------



## TxllxT

Odessa Joke

Rabbinovich goes to the butcher's: "Do you have bacon?"
"Yes, we have."
"May I have a little taste from it?"
Suddenly outside: Thunder and Lightning.
Rabbinovich: "My God, I only did ask".


----------



## WNvXXT

Caught my son chewing on electrical cords, so I had to ground him. He's doing better currently, and conducting himself properly.


----------



## Dorsetmike

I was watching an Australian cooking show, and people started cheering when the chef made a meringue .

I was shocked.

Usually Australians boo meringue.


----------



## Malx

Dorsetmike said:


> I was watching an Australian cooking show, and people started cheering when the chef made a meringue .
> 
> I was shocked.
> 
> Usually Australians boo meringue.


Thanks for that one Mike - my wife wondered why I let out an audible groan!


----------



## Dorsetmike

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie.

As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.

One grabbed the trucker’s cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it.

The second one drank the trucker’s coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie.

The truck driver didn’t say a word as he paid the waitress and left.

As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, “He ain’t much of a man, is he?” “He’s not much of a driver, either,” the waitress replied. “He just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles.”


----------



## geralmar




----------



## WNvXXT

The neighbor's kid ate an entire widow.

He now has a pane in his stomach.


----------



## pianozach

WNvXXT said:


> The neighbor's kid ate an entire widow.
> 
> He now has a pane in his stomach.


*window

Eating a whole _*widow*_, well, cannibalism isn't something to joke about.

Unless she was in a wheelchair, then it's more like Meals On Wheels.


----------



## WNvXXT

A man drowns in the Guinness factory vat. His friends head to his wife's house to give her the news.

We have some sad news Mrs. Shaunessey. You're husband slipped on the cat walk and fell into the Guinness vat and drowned.

Did he suffer?

Well, he did come out to pee three times.


----------



## WNvXXT

How much do pirates sell corn for?

A buccaneer.


----------



## Barbebleu

My next door neighbour lost his dog so he put an ad in the local paper. It said ‘Here boy’.


----------



## Barbebleu

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day and all the patients were shouting, "13...13...13"
The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in one of the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.
Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick, then they all started shouting, "14...14...14..."


----------



## Flamme

I saw identical twins. I threw a paper plane at them.


----------



## geralmar




----------



## Flamme

*The Court has decided Elon Musk will be Granted Sole Custody of Child X Æ A-12 After Divorce from Wife Grimes
Since he filed for and was awarded the patent back in March of 2019*


----------



## WNvXXT

Before crow bars were invented, crows mostly drank alone.


----------



## WNvXXT

Got stung by a bee today. £45 for a jar of honey!


----------



## Flamme

An Indian King became jealous that the Queen was caring about their infant son more than him, So he poisoned her nipples in her sleep to kill the baby.
The next day the Minister died of poisoning.


----------



## SixFootScowl

Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.

What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.

Writing my name in cursive is my signature move.

Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm.

If you're bad at haggling, you'll end up paying the price.

Just so everyone's clear, I'm going to put my glasses on.

A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.

I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.

Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.

How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.

I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.

My friends and I have named our band 'Duvet'. It's a cover band.

I lost my girlfriend's audiobook, and now I'll never hear the end of it.

Why is 'dark' spelled with a k and not c? Because you can't see in the dark.

Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell.

When I told my contractor I didn't want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare.

Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, "Oh no, not U2 again."

Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it's a whole sentence.

Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person's walk, and the result was staggering.

I'm trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.

I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won't lie, it was a rocky road

What do you say to comfort a friend who's struggling with grammar? There, their, they're.

I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarznegger dolls are and he replied, "Aisle B, back."

What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up their own incision? Suture self.

I've started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It's all about raisin awareness


----------



## WNvXXT

A truck on the main round near us flipped over, it was carrying a shipment of Vicks VapoRub. There was no congestion for 8 hours.


----------



## Flamme

Gary and Pete, 2 alcoholics, were lost at sea.
While floating in their small boat, they spotted a bottle on the water.
Gary quickly grabbed the bottle and took out the cork.
To his shock, a genie flew out.
"You have freed me. You may have a wish."
Gary thought hard and pointed at the sea.
"Turn all this water into Guiness."
>There was a flash and the genie was gone, leaving a frothy sea of Guinness.
"why would you do that?!" complained Pete.
"What, you don't want beer?" asked Gary.

Pete shook his head and sighed.
"Now we'll have to **** in the boat."


----------



## jhm

Why didn't the horse cross the road?

He saw what happened to the zebra


----------



## jhm

What did the big telephone say to the little telephone?

You're too young to be engaged


----------



## geralmar

"Did you take a bath?"
"Why? Is there one missing?"

"Did you get a hair cut?"
"Nope. Got them all cut".
(My long dead boss couldn't stop repeating this one.)


----------



## EdwardBast

A young woman walks into a bar.

Bartender: What'll you have?

Woman: I'd like a double entendre please.

So he gave it to her.


----------



## Dorsetmike

A man turned up at a fancy dress party with a woman on his back.
"What have you come as?"
"A snail"
"Well, who is that on your back?"
"Oh, that's Michelle"


----------



## Flamme

My dog kept chasing people on a bike...
It got so bad, I had to take his bike away.


----------



## Barbebleu

A guy parks his car on a piece of waste ground. As he starts to walk away a bunch of tough looking kids come up to him and one of them says “Hey mister, we’ll watch your car for £20 and make sure nothing happens to it. “

The guy says “No thanks, I’ve got a dog in the car. I’ll be fine. “

The same kid looks at his pals, laughs and says “ Hey boys, this guy’s got a dog that can put out fires!”


----------



## Flamme

Jack The Ripper once auditioned for a men's music group.
Apparently, he wasn't the sort of Backstreet Boy they were after.
:lol::lol::lol:

(laughed more than I should have...)


----------



## geralmar

Bigfoot is sometimes confused with Sasquatch. Yeti never complains.

I went to the local Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting. All the seats were taken.

What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? "Supplies!"


----------



## Dorsetmike

A very hot woman went to the hair salon one day. As she was waiting for her turn she saw a really good looking man sitting quietly in the salon.

She got up and moved over to sit down next to him and said “My your just so good looking! How about after I’m done here you and I get together and some real private fun.”

“I’m married.” He replied.

“That’s O.K.” she said, “Just Call her and say that you need to go visit a friend who is in the hospital.”

“Tell her yourself, she the one doing your hair.”


----------



## Dorsetmike

There was a knock on the door this morning, I opened it and there was a young bloke standing there who said:

“I’m a Jehovah’s Witness.”

I said “Come in and sit down, what do you want to talk about?”

He said, “ damned if I know - I’ve never got this far before!”


----------



## TwoFlutesOneTrumpet

Dorsetmike said:


> A man turned up at a fancy dress party with a woman on his back.
> "What have you come as?"
> "A snail"
> "Well, who is that on your back?"
> "Oh, that's Michelle"


I don't get it.


----------



## SixFootScowl

TwoFlutesOneTrumpet said:


> I don't get it.


"Michelle" = "My shell."


----------



## TwoFlutesOneTrumpet

SixFootScowl said:


> "Michelle" = "My shell."


Ah of course, thanks. I was stuck on pronouncing Michelle as mi-SHEL in my head.


----------



## Dorsetmike

My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner...

So I took the battery out of the smoke alarm!!


----------



## geralmar




----------



## Dorsetmike

Adam & Eve; the first people to not bother reading the Apple terms & conditions. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

At 3 o'clock this morning my neighbours banged on the wall. Luckily I was still up having a party.

I shouted"what do you want?". They said all they were asking for was a little respect. I shouted back that I would ask the DJ,but couldn't make any promises.


----------



## geralmar

What is the penalty for bigamy?

Two mothers-in-law.


----------



## Flamme

*There was a young lady named Sally Who enjoyed the occasional dally. She sat on the lap of a well-endowed chap
and said, "Sir, you're right up my alley!"
*


----------



## Dorsetmike

This contractor guy dies in a tragic accident on his 40th birthday. He ascends to heaven where he’s greeted at the Pearly Gates by a brass band and Saint Peter.

Saint Peter shakes the guys hand warmly, and says “Congratulations!”

The contractor is a little confused. “Congratulations for what?” he asks.

“Congratulations for what!?” says Saint Peter. “We’re celebrating the fact you lived to the grand old age of 160.”

The contractor says, “But that’s not right – I only lived to be 40.”

“That’s impossible,” says Saint Peter. “We added up your time sheets!”


----------



## Flamme

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his lap
The bartender says “Hey mate. You’ve got a steering wheel on your lap!”

Pirate replies “Arrrrrgh! It be driving me nuts!!”


----------



## Art Rock

Me: I'm terrified of random letters

Therapist: You are? 

Me: (Screams) 

Therapist: I see

Me: (Scream intensifies)


----------



## Flamme

What do potatoes and passwords have in common?
To be any good they have to be hashed and salted.


----------



## Jay

Doctor, to the patient in need of a leg amputation: "I've got good news and bad."

Patient: "Gimme the bad news."

Doc: "We amputated the wrong leg before catching our error, so now you have _no_ legs."

Patient: WHAT'S THE GOOD NEWS?!

Doc: "The guy in the next bed wants to buy your shoes."


----------



## SixFootScowl

Jay said:


> Doctor, to the patient in need of a leg amputation: "I've got good news and bad."
> 
> Patient: "Gimme the bad news."
> 
> Doc: "We amputated the wrong leg before catching our error, so now you have _no_ legs."
> 
> Patient: WHAT'S THE GOOD NEWS?!
> 
> Doc: "The guy in the next bed wants to buy your shoes."


Oh that is really, really bad! :lol:


----------



## Dorsetmike

Art Rock said:


> Me: I'm terrified of random letters
> 
> Therapist: You are?
> 
> Me: (Screams)
> 
> Therapist: I see
> 
> Me: (Scream intensifies)


You okay?????????????


----------



## Art Rock

Me: Breaks down and cries....


----------



## Barbebleu

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?

Ten tickles!


----------



## Roger Knox

A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."


----------



## Art Rock

Fun fact: Australia's biggest export is boomerangs. It's also Australia's biggest import.


----------



## Dan Ante

NZ citizens emigrating to Aussie which is raising the intelligence quota of both countries. boom boom...


----------



## Dorsetmike

When a blind man asked a fellow blind man why he enjoyed playing
darts so much, he replied,"You should give it a try. You don't know
what you're missing".


----------



## SixFootScowl

I used to be addicted to the Hokey Pokey.
But then I turned myself around.


----------



## HenryPenfold

SixFootScowl said:


> I used to be addicted to the Hokey Pokey.
> But then I turned myself around.


Well done. Self-help - that's what it's all about


----------



## pianozach

Prof: “Name the modes.”
Me: “Dorian, Phrygian, Lydian, Mixolydian, Aolian, Ionian and Pyala.”
Prof: “There is no Pyala Mode.”
Me: I’ll have Jello, then.”


----------



## Barbebleu

I’m sure everyone is aware who Karl Marx was but no one ever mentions his sister, Onya, the inventor of the starting pistol!


----------



## TxllxT

Titelbaum is an old Jewish antique dealer. He runs into an old acquaintance, who tells him that he has thrown away an old Bible, which he found in an old chest. Some Gluten had printed him. "Not Gutenberg, right?" "Yes, that's him" says the dumper. "You have thrown away a book that is among the first to be printed!" "A copy recently sold at auction in Dresden for half a million dollars!" "I don't think it would have been worth that much." "All the pages were scribbled with notes by some man named Martin Luther."


----------



## Flamme

A tandem rider is stopped by a police car.

“What’ve I done, officer?” asks the rider.

“Perhaps you didn’t notice sir, but your wife fell off your bike half a mile back . . .”

“Oh, thank God for that,” says the rider – “I thought I’d gone deaf!”


----------



## Roger Knox

Beethoven saw an announcement in a Vienna music store of a new publication: a waltz by Anton Diabelli with single variations contributed by eminent composers, Ludwig Van among them. But he flew into a rage saying, “I never agreed to this project of the trifler Diabelli, who churns out music as though it were sausages. This is an insult!” 

In revenge Beethoven conceived the idea of opening an eponymous sausage store decorated with caricatures of Diabelli. Still in the heat of anger, he composed a work with no less than 31 brilliant variations on the waltz, known now as the Be-A-Deli Variations.


----------



## mikeh375

One for the gentlemen....

Q- Why don't women have dirty minds?
A- Because they are always changing them.


----------



## Luchesi

I was in the dentist chair and my dentist actually told me this joke;

What do dentists call their x-rays?
Tooth pics!

The lady hygienist groaned BUT I laughed, because dentists can hurt you!..


----------



## Roger Knox

Luchesi said:


> ... because dentists can hurt you!..


Yes they can. (true story) My Dentist had my jaw pulled way over to the left while working on a tooth at the back of my mouth.

Me (complaining): You're turning me into a left winger!
Dentist smiles.
Dental Assistant pipes up: Well, I'm for Trump -- he tells it like it is!
Dentist (acidly): That's not part of dentistry.


----------



## Dorsetmike

She keeps saying I push all her buttons. 

But if that were true, I'd have found 'Mute' by now!


----------



## Dorsetmike

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


----------



## SixFootScowl

Dorsetmike said:


> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> 
> View attachment 160851


Wow 84-year shelf life. Nice!


----------



## Dorsetmike

I had a terrible nights sleep on my new waterbed. 

It was just too bouncy. 

I knew I shouldn't have filled it with spring water.


----------



## Flamme

What's the difference between rain and a shower?
Consent


----------



## Dorsetmike

I met some obsessive chess players in a hotel reception, going on about how good they were.
They were chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.


----------



## fbjim

Guy noticed that one of the regulars at a bar always chain-smokes three cigarettes, one after another during his smoke breaks. Asks him why it's always three - he says, "One's for myself, the other two are for my brothers in prison." 

One day he notices the guy's started only smoking two cigarettes during his break. He asks if one of his brothers got out of jail. Guy says "Nah, I quit smoking."


----------



## fbjim

one of my favorites, stolen from a Marx Bros. movie- 


Crewman: Captain, we've got four stowaways onboard, though nobody's seen what they look like.
Captain: If nobody's seen them, how do you know there's four stowaways?
Crewman: They were singing "Lida Rose".


----------



## TxllxT

fbjim said:


> one of my favorites, stolen from a Marx Bros. movie-
> 
> Crewman: Captain, we've got four stowaways onboard, though nobody's seen what they look like.
> Captain: If nobody's seen them, how do you know there's four stowaways?
> Crewman: They were singing "Lida Rose".







Looked up 'Lida Rose' and still don't get the point...


----------



## fbjim

TxllxT said:


> Looked up 'Lida Rose' and still don't get the point...


(it's a barbershop quartet song)


----------



## pianozach

TxllxT said:


> Looked up 'Lida Rose' and still don't get the point...





fbjim said:


> (it's a barbershop quartet song)


The song in the show is a remarkable "partner" song. Marian sings HER song, then the quartet sings THEIR song, and then they all sing their songs simultaneously. In the film the director has them on opposite sides of the screen in isolated places, but on stage it's performed together.


----------



## Dorsetmike

An Indian walks, into a Starbucks with a shotgun in one hand and pulling a male buffalo with the other.

He says to the barista: “Want coffee.” The barista says, “Sure. Coming right up. “He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.

The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says: “Want coffee.”

The barista says, “Whoa, Tonto! We’re still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?”

The Indian smiles and proudly says, “Training for a position in Government. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.”


----------



## SixFootScowl

Psychics convention cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances!


----------



## Flamme

Why did an old man love his noose so much?
Because in the end, it was the only thing that didn't let him down.


----------



## Dorsetmike

I was commissioned to draw a pencil sketch of Hamlet, but I can't make up my mind which pencil to use.


----------



## Dorsetmike

Don’t let aging get you down. It’s too hard to get up afterwards.


----------



## Taggart

Dorsetmike said:


> I was commissioned to draw a pencil sketch of Hamlet, but I can't make up my mind which pencil to use.


You mean to HB or not to HB?


----------



## Dan Ante

Dorsetmike said:


> Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get up afterwards.


Another interesting thing is why does the floor get further away as you get older eh?


----------



## Dorsetmike

Hey, do you know how to treat a sick chemist?”

“If you can’t helium or curium, you barium!”


----------



## Dorsetmike

I had a job at the chess set factory. I was hoping for a bit of variety, but they put me on permanent knights.


----------



## Dorsetmike

It’s been a bit of a strange day. First, I found a hat full of money. Then I was chased by an angry man with a guitar...


----------



## Dorsetmike

Last night whilst watching tv, my mate said to his wife, "Do you know
what? You're the absolute double of Jennifer Aniston".

She gave him a cheesy grin, but said, "Really?"

He said, "Yes sweetheart, she's 120 lbs and you're 240lbs’’.

Doctors say he should be home in time for Christmas.


----------



## HenryPenfold

The wife sent me out to get some pills to help me get aroused in the bedroom.

I handed her some quite expensive slimming pills - that's when the fight started .......


----------



## HenryPenfold

I was in the park today and I couldn't work out why a Frisbee looked like it was getting bigger and bigger - then it hit me.


----------



## HenryPenfold

According to my wife's chocolate advent calendar, it's Christmas tomorrow


----------



## Ariasexta

Recently I read some stories about some people got possessed by hallucinations during the process of buddhist meditation session, they claimed to have seen godly beings clad in golden cloths, fishes flying around their room, dead people talking in unintelligible languages to them, all kinds of weird stuff. The funny thing is that, some serious cases woke up calling everybody in their families conspiring to murder them, sad thing is many of these people never recovered.


----------



## Dorsetmike

I went to a comedy club last Friday evening. 
There was a woman there telling nothing but chicken jokes. 
She called herself a “Comedi-hen”


----------



## Ariasexta

So, the stupid jokes mean to be bad jokes? I can not believe people can feel they are not miserable enough, I think it presents itself to be a bad joke.


----------



## HenryPenfold

Ariasexta said:


> So, the stupid jokes mean to be bad jokes? I can not believe people can feel they are not miserable enough, I think it presents itself to be a bad joke.


You are Eric Cantona and I claim my £5!


----------



## Ariasexta

HenryPenfold said:


> You are Eric Cantona and I claim my £5!


5 pounds vanished due to inflation and it is even now.


----------



## Flamme

I remember once in pre-virus times, I was standing in a fairly long line for a classical music concert. A dude on a skateboard rode up to me and asked “what’s all the excitement about? Who’s playing?” I told him “Yo-Yo Ma.” And he punched me in the face!


----------



## Guest

From my grandson in Western Australia yesterday:

Why can't the Chinese play cricket?

Because they ate all the bats.


----------



## Flamme

Last winter, I went bobsleighing with my family
Killed 37 Bobs


----------



## Luchesi

Flamme said:


> Last winter, I went bobsleighing with my family
> Killed 37 Bobs


It feels good to be a bob slayer.


----------



## parlando

This is an orchestration of a previous post here whose number I don't know. I took out the frog prince and did some 2021 things. Maybe it's no worse.

A young fellow walks into a bank and approaches a teller, whose name plate says "Ms. Is? Yup! Definitely: Patricia Vaccs!!"

"Hi, Patricia Vaccs, very nice name plate. Should I call you Ms. Is? Yup? Definitely? Or Patricia, or what?"

"You can call me Patty."

"Umm, I'd like to get a $20,000 loan for a great vacation."

Patty looks at the fellow in disbelief and asks his name.

"Wilson-Wiseguy Jagger. Call me Willy. My father is Mick Jagger. It will be fine to authorize the loan, I know your manager."

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

"Sure, how about this," said young Jagger as he produces a tiny gemstone elephant, about an 21/32 of an inch tall, crystal pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty Vaccs explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

Patty walks into the manager's office and proceeds to say, "There's a fellow called Wilson-Wiseguy Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $20,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." Patty holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager leans back, looks at her and croons ... _ "It's a knickknack, Patty Vaccs, give the guy a loan-his old man's a Rolling Stone."_


----------



## parlando

Q. What symphony did Sibelius not write? 
A. The Unfinnish Symphony.


----------



## Ariasexta

Boy: Mom, why do people protest about Global Warming in the winter?

Mom: My son, because the winter is too cold. 

Boy: Do they also protest about Global Warming in the summer?

Mom: Yes, because the summer is too hot. 

Boy: What do they want? 

Mom: Can`t you see, they always want more pretty cloths for summer and winter.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Soul：My Lord, why do some people believe in atheism?

God: Because they want other people to die for them, like how they sent you to me.


----------



## Luchesi

Ariasexta said:


> Boy: Mom, why do people protest about Global Warming in the winter?
> 
> Mom: My son, because the winter is too cold.
> 
> Boy: Do they also protest about Global Warming in the summer?
> 
> Mom: Yes, because the summer is too hot.
> 
> Boy: What do they want?
> 
> Mom: Can`t you see, they always want more pretty cloths for summer and winter.
> 
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> 
> Soul：My Lord, why do some people believe in atheism?
> 
> God: Because they want other people to die for them, like how they sent you to me.


That's what the Lord does. Maybe it doesn't take up a lot of time.


----------



## Flamme

I told my friends I had a girlfriend. They laughed and said she’s just imaginary.
Well, joke’s on them, because they’re imaginary too.


----------



## Ariasexta

Luchesi said:


> That's what the Lord does. Maybe it doesn't take up a lot of time.


But homocide does not make the killer a god, megalomaniac killers have a god-illusion.


----------



## pianozach

Ariasexta said:


> But homocide does not make the killer a god, megalomaniac killers have a god-illusion.


God wiped out almost every land-based animal with his "*Great Flood*", including all but eight humans and two of every animal.

Does genocide make God a killer? Or is his Commandment "Thou Shalt Not Kill" only a sin when humans commit murder?

When God commits a mortal sin does He go to Hell when he dies? :devil: Or, since He's immortal, does he get off scott-free for his sin?


----------



## parlando

There may have been a Big Flood dimly remembered at the end of the last Ice Age when the Black Sea rapidly filled up from the Mediterranean's newly melted ice inflow. Anyway, there's a Big Flood in Gilgamesh which contributed a lot to the Old Testament story. Be that as it might have been, I take much of the Old Testament as filled with somewhat useful semi-history, yet with a major Pillar of Salt. People only began keeping halfway decent records only a few thousand years ago, and most of them were central government bureaucratic stuff. So, marginal societies that kept records, sort of, partly oral, could have events occur and gain wide attention under the Big Radar, so to speak. 
Killing, just and unjust, hey, I ain't no saint. Just prefer not to do it to people. A lot of the time it's just too much trouble even there. Let's have a joke, something stupid and seemly, like *Sibelius's Unfinnish Symphony*.


----------



## Luchesi

pianozach said:


> God wiped out almost every land-based animal with his "*Great Flood*", including all but eight humans and two of every animal.
> 
> Does genocide make God a killer? Or is his Commandment "Thou Shalt Not Kill" only a sin when humans commit murder?
> 
> When God commits a mortal sin does He go to Hell when he dies? :devil: Or, since He's immortal, does he get off scott-free for his sin?


God created the world so he can do anything he wants with it.


----------



## Luchesi

parlando said:


> There may have been a Big Flood dimly remembered at the end of the last Ice Age when the Black Sea rapidly filled up from the Mediterranean's newly melted ice inflow. Anyway, there's a Big Flood in Gilgamesh which contributed a lot to the Old Testament story. Be that as it might have been, I take much of the Old Testament as filled somewhat useful semi-history, yet with a major Pillar of Salt. People only began keeping halfway decent records only a few thousand years ago, and most of them were central government bureaucratic stuff. So, marginal societies that kept records, sort of, partly oral, could have events occur and gain wide attention under the Big Radar, so to speak. Killing, just and unjust, hey, I ain't no saint. Just prefer not to do it to people. A lot of the time it's just too much trouble even there. Let's have a joke, something stupid and seemly, like *Sibelius's Unfinnish Symphony*.


This is one of those entertaining ideas from scholarship (the Med flooding). There have been plenty of floods around for people to get the idea of how horrendous they can be if they're sufficiently widespread. I just can't believe that people have a racial memory or whatever you think the mechanism is.

They say that children love to climb trees, because they have a racial memory of being an arboreal creature (which we have been for 150 million years according to a recent finding). This seems to be more likely a 'racial memory' than an impressive event over ten thousand years ago would be.


----------



## Art Rock

Based on the recent series of posts, a reminder that religious discussions are not allowed at Talk Classical. From the 'Guidelines and Terms of Service':



> A special forum has been created for Political and/or Religious discussions that are related to Classical Music. In general political comments and posts are not allowed on Talk Classical, neither in threads nor posts in its forums, social groups, visitor messaging, blogs and signatures, other than those specified related solely to Classical Music in this special dedicated forum. For religious comments and posts, the same holds, except that religious statements are allowed in signatures, and general religious threads and posts are allowed in the social groups.


----------



## parlando

^^^ 
Quite right. Delete mine if you like--except for the Unfinnish Symphony of Sibelius. That too, if need be. Sorry.


----------



## Luchesi

I put a new engine in my car, but didn't take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles an hour.


----------



## Dan Ante

Luchesi said:


> I put a new engine in my car, but didn't take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles an hour.


Don't moan it probably just needs a good tune


----------



## Luchesi

Dan Ante said:


> Don't moan it probably just needs a good tune


I need a governor?

Wow, I haven't uttered that word, or even heard that word since the 1960s.

I used to buy 2 old cars for about 200 or 300 dollars each. Then I would rob parts off one to keep the other one running. I remember having 2 Bonnevilles with the little window in the distributor to adjust the dwell while running heh heh (Pontiac, 308 cu in I think). We had just gotten married and my new wife was appalled, because we always had one 'junk' car on our lawn!


----------



## parlando

Maybe Art Rock can help me. I need a good joke built on The Frying Dutchman.


----------



## SearsPoncho

I asked my wife if I was the only one she had been with. She said, "Yes, all the other guys I slept with were nines and tens."

(Hopefully not too unseemly, but in light of the OP, it should be ok. :lol


----------



## mikeh375

What did the bra say to the top hat?

"You go on ahead and I'll give these two a lift."

...and from Woody Allen.

"The best thing about being bisexual is that it doubles your chances of a date on a saturday night."


----------



## Ariasexta

This thread is like an IQ detector..I really want to see jokes invented anew. 

In the US, people put in the votes, in soviet russia, the votes put in people.


----------



## SixFootScowl

Sign seen in a church nursery:

"We shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed,"

1 Corinthians 15:51


----------



## Kjetil Heggelund

The husband came home with a goat. Where will we keep it, the wife asked. In the bedroom! But what about the smell? Oh, it will get used to it...


----------



## parlando

SixFootScowl said:


> Sign seen in a church nursery:
> 
> "We shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed,"
> 
> 1 Corinthians 15:51


That is sublime !


----------



## parlando

Does Santa Claus have to pay much for parking the sleigh?
No, it’s generally on the house.


----------



## Dan Ante

Sign in local furniture shop.

*IN GOD WE TRUST ALL OTHERS CASH*


----------



## Dorsetmike

It’s okay to talk to yourself. And it’s okay to answer yourself. 
But it’s sad when you have to repeat yourself because you were not listening.


----------



## Dorsetmike

Why are the pyramids in Egypt?

Because they were too heavy to take to the British museum


----------



## Kjetil Heggelund

He is a lovely man, and so is his wife!


----------



## Kjetil Heggelund

What do you think about Marx?
I haven't read the book, but I've seen all the movies.


----------



## Dorsetmike

I could have been a Gregorian Monk, but I never got the chants...


----------



## parlando

What did E. Power Biggs prefer for lunch?

Organ meats topped with ricotta and fudge. 

Yikes.


----------



## Luchesi

A lady came running out of her house and yelled, “My son is choking on a coin and I don't know what to do, somebody please help!!..
Everybody just stared and didn't know what to do.
Immediately a man came running past her and grabbed the boy, turned him upside-down and shook him till the coin fell out.
The mother said, “Thank you so much!, are you a doctor?”
No ma'am, I work for the IRS.


----------



## Flamme

''I knew a lady who came from Duluth
Bit by a dog with a rabid tooth
She went to her grave just a little too soon
Flew away howling on the yellow moon''


----------



## SixFootScowl

Here lies Janet Drake
Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.


----------



## Flamme

Ariasexta said:


> This thread is like an IQ detector..I really want to see jokes invented anew.
> 
> In the US, people put in the votes, in soviet russia, the votes put in people.


You are over-thinking bro...That's a kill-joy.


----------



## Luchesi

Their first anniversary, a man bought his young wife a cell phone. She was thrilled and listened eagerly as he explained all its features. The next day she was out shopping, then she was in Starbucks with a latte when the phone rang. Hey, darling, her husband said. How do you like your new phone? Oh, I just love it! she gushed. It's so cute and small and your voice sounds so clear. But there's just one thing I don't understand. What's that? 

How did you know I was here at Starbucks??


----------



## NoCoPilot

A country boy, visiting his big city college friend, asked to use the restroom. When he went in, he was greeted with a bidet, a device he'd never seen before.

"Hey, what's this I'm doin' in here?" he yelled.

"European," came the reply.


----------



## Flamme

Coffee is acidic. Until you add pumpkin and spices...
Then it becomes basic.


----------



## TxllxT

British scientists have found out that birthdays are very good for your health. Those who have gathered the biggest amount of birthdays do live longer as a rule.


----------



## SixFootScowl

TxllxT said:


> British scientists have found out that birthdays are very good for your health. Those who have gathered the biggest amount of birthdays do live longer as a rule.


Especially blessed are those born on leap day because they rack up one birithday every four years so if I had that benefit I would only be 16 years old!


----------



## Dorsetmike

I always find that charging batteries is revolting.


----------



## Roger Knox

Dorsetmike said:


> I always find that charging batteries is revolting.


In watt way ............ ?


----------



## Chilham

Who led the Pedant's Revolt?












Which Tyler.


----------



## parlando

Obviously, one of those Poets and Pedants who made socially acceptable overtures…


----------



## Luchesi

parlando said:


> Obviously, one of those Poets and Pedants who made socially acceptable overtures…


Love it! 'Very von Soup-ie.

I haven't heard this one in a while;

"Your mother has been with us for 20 years," said John. "Isn't it time she got a place of her own?"

"My mother?" replied Helen. "I thought she was _your_ mother."


----------



## parlando

Thank you. On immature reflection, I rather think it was the Potent Pedant who made socially acceptable overtures. 
Don’t you?


----------



## parlando

When my wife wanted to disgrace me in the presence of her friends (as if!), she said that I wasn’t good in bed. However, she was shocked when they all disagreed with her.


----------



## Luchesi

parlando said:


> Thank you. On immature reflection, I rather think it was the Potent Pedant who made socially acceptable overtures.
> Don't you?


hmmm... yes

A not-too-bright candidate for the police force failed the written examination. Since he was the Chief's nephew, the examiner decided to go easy on him with the oral test.
Who shot Abraham Lincoln?, asked the examiner.
The candidate pondered for a moment and then asked if he could have sometime to come up with the answer. The examiner told him to come back the next morning.

When the would-be recruit went home, his wife asked, Well, how did it go? Did you get the job?

….I think so, he replied. They've already got me working on a case.


----------



## Luchesi

Bacteria: the back entrance to a cafeteria?


----------



## TxllxT

A man enters a bookshop: "Yesterday I bought here the book 'How to become a millionaire'. At home I discovered that half of the pages is missing!"- "You think that half a million isn't much?"


----------



## SixFootScowl

I finally know what's wrong with my brain: there is nothing left on the right side and nothing is right on the left side.


----------



## parlando

SixFootScowl said:


> I finally know what's wrong with my brain: there is nothing left on the right side and nothing is right on the left side.


We will make allowances. Be sure to have some coffee until your brain grows back.


----------



## parlando

After an Amish barn raising an Amish man joins some others at the non-alcoholic refreshment line and then sits with a few of them. 

After they rest there for a while, he says to them ‘Hey now, do you want to hear a long, very dull and boring Amish joke?’ 

They all to turn to look at him. 

The Amish man next to him says, ‘Well, before you tell that joke, I think that you should know five things:

That spry fellow over there has maybe 400 or 500 chickens at home. 

Besides a horse and cows, the young man next to him is going to put eight or nine goats in the barn we built today. 

The man sitting next to me came here on a bus from Ohio. 

I like to attend livestock auctions.

The man to your right has gone to maybe ten barn raisings in the last ten years. 

Now, think about it. Do you still want to tell that long and very boring Amish joke?’

The Amish man who offered to tell the dull and very boring joke thinks for a second, shakes his head and says,

‘No… not if the young one wants me to explain it eight or nine more times.’


----------



## Dorsetmike

I paid a lot of money to hire a Rolls-Royce. 

When I went to collect the car it turned out there was no-one to drive it. 

All that investment and I had nothing to chauffeur it!


----------



## parlando

You might have tried hiring a Parker House Rolls. Besides having a driver, they come with a large edible bollard to reserve your stopping place by the curb so you can return to it later, probably.


----------



## Kjetil Heggelund

How do you know a singer has perfect pitch? Oh, they'll tell ya!!!


----------



## KevinJS

Kjetil Heggelund said:


> How do you know a singer has perfect pitch? Oh, they'll tell ya!!!


Reminds me of:

How can you tell whether someone is a vegan?

Wait around 8 seconds.


----------



## Kjetil Heggelund

KevinJS said:


> Reminds me of:
> 
> How can you tell whether someone is a vegan?
> 
> Wait around 8 seconds.


That reminded me of a "meme" on facebook from a funeral...Anyone want to say some words...I'm vegan...


----------



## KevinJS

Kjetil Heggelund said:


> That reminded me of a "meme" on facebook from a funeral...Anyone want to say some words...I'm vegan...


People are so afraid of gluten in San Francisco that you can hold up a liquor store with a bagel.


----------



## pianozach

How many altos does it take to change a light bulb?

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

100. One to change it, and 99 to complain that it's too high to reach.


----------



## Kjetil Heggelund

I have perfect pitch on both ears.


----------



## parlando

Kjetil Heggelund said:


> I have perfect pitch on both ears.


Subtle, subtle.


----------



## parlando

Five hours of Don Carlos in 3 minutes, courtesy of WQXR, New York, by Jeff Spurgeon, today. 
Link: https://www.wqxr.org/story/3-minute-opera-verdi-don-carlos


----------



## Dorsetmike

Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.

She was only a moonshiner’s daughter, but I miss her still.

What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.

Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm.

I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.

How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.


----------



## parlando

I like this one a lot: "She was only a moonshiner's daughter, but I miss her still."

If anyone wants more of Jeff Spurgeon's three minute demolition derby treatments of operas, here is a link. 
https://www.wqxr.org/series/3-minute-operas/


----------



## SixFootScowl

Found this on another forum:

Their our sum floss width spiel checker's; butt overhaul thee affect tens too bee god.

^^Spellcheck finds no errors.


----------



## TxllxT

A woman calls for a taxi driver. As soon as she is sitting on the back seat, she says: "Can't you drive more carefully? I've got nine children at home waiting for me". Taxi driver: "Ha, ha, and you are asking me about being careful?".


----------



## geralmar

My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the National Zoo.


----------



## marlow

I knew a guy who sat up all night worrying where the day had gone when it suddenly dawned on him!


----------



## Forster

What's red and lies on its side in the gutter?

A dead bus.


----------



## Ludwig Schon

Jeanne d’Arc… it means: “the light‘s out in the bathroom…” 🥳


----------



## NoCoPilot

I couldn't figure out why the baseball seemed to be getting bigger... and then it hit me!


----------



## geralmar

"The difference between coffee and your opinion is I asked for coffee."


----------



## Merl

Dorsetmike said:


> Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.
> 
> She was only a moonshiner’s daughter, but I miss her still.
> 
> What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.
> 
> Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm.
> 
> I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.
> 
> How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.


They sound like Time Vine jokes, Mike. Especially the bees one.


----------



## mikeh375

She was only the tarmac layers daughter but she didn't mind her asphalt.


----------



## pianozach

Did you hear about the bass player that locked his keys in his car?

It was awful. It was starting to rain, and he'd left the top down.

Even worse, the drummer was locked inside.


----------



## Kjetil Heggelund

Last night we got 11 requests for "Uptown Funk" and we played them all.


----------



## NoCoPilot

pianozach said:


> Did you hear about the bass player that locked his keys in his car?
> It was awful. It was starting to rain, and he'd left the top down.
> Even worse, the drummer was locked inside.


What do you call a bass player with a job? The driver.


----------



## pianozach

How do you know when the stage is level?

The drummer drools out of both sides of his mouth.


----------



## pianozach

What's the difference between a large pizza and a bass player?

A large pizza can feed a family of four.


----------



## marlow

I’m reading a book on anti-gravity. I can’t put it down!


----------



## NoCoPilot

I asked my TV remote for "a light Romantic Comedy." It gave me Don Pasquale!


----------



## SixFootScowl

So Sven, Arne and Ole are out hunting and they happen upon some tracks. Sven says " Doze are deer tracks!" Arne replies, "No, Sven look how big dey are. Doze are moose tracks! Say, Ole don't doze look like moose tracks to you?" 
Before Ole could answer, all three were hit by the train.


----------



## NoCoPilot

When Tony The Human Cannonball retired from the circus, they had to close down the act. They couldn't find a replacement of his caliber.


----------



## NoCoPilot

How do you get down off a horse?

You don't. You get down off a goose.


----------



## pianozach

If you put a down pillow up on a high shelf, is the down up?


----------



## Art Rock

I know it's a long shot but does anyone know what a trebuchet is?


----------



## parlando

Wait until the guys below compose music.


----------



## parlando

So an Artificial Intelligence Robot from Tesla and an Artificial Intelligence Robot from Google and an Artificial Intelligence Robot from Amazon are out studying topography and they happen upon some tracks. The AI from Tesla says "Those are deer tracks!" The Amazon AI replies, "No, Tesla, look how big they are. Those are moose tracks! Say, Google, don't those look like moose tracks to you?"
Before Google could answer, all three were hit by the train.


----------



## NoCoPilot

Were the AIs named Sven, Ole and Arne? (#1669)

Listen, my wife just called me a perfect idiot. I protested, "But Hon, nobody's perfect!"


----------



## Art Rock

Some one-liners I came across just now:

“DO NOT TOUCH” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille.

If your Tesla gets stolen, is it called an Edison now? 

The adjective for metal is metallic, but not so for iron, which is ironic 

Why the hell did they name them 'Soldier ants' and not 'Combatants'? 

An interviewer asked me how well i can perform under pressure; I said I’m much better at Bohemian Rhapsody.


----------



## John O

Have you heard about the Vampire who was a terrible organist?
He Bach was worse than his bite.

Why did Chopin have a very shiny piano?
Because he was was French Polish

George II : Are you sure everything is organised for my firework party tonight?
Courtier: Yes, your majesty, all under control
George II: Do the caterer's know what to do?
Courtier: Yes, I went through it all with them this morning
George II: And the music, you've sorted out the music?
Courtier: Yes, I have got a Handel on that.


----------



## bagpipers

Visualize this meme!
The Geico Gecko standing there saying:

I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance!

By switching to reverse and leaving the scene!😁


----------



## Art Rock

@bagpipers: I visualized it.


----------



## bagpipers

Art Rock said:


> @bagpipers: I visualized it.


Thanks ,I'm bad at posting photos,appreciate the help


----------



## parlando

Every salad in our Greek restaurant is a feta compli.


----------



## bagpipers

parlando said:


> Every salad in our Greek restaurant is a feta compli.


Do you know why no one gets out of bed before 10 AM in Athens?

Because Dawn is tough on Greece LOL


----------



## mikeh375

Are we all ready to yawn...?

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine .

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.


----------



## bagpipers

I hate people who take drug's!

You know like airport security


----------



## bagpipers

Husband:Honey,why don't you ever tell me when you orgasm?

Wife:Cause you don't like it when I call you while your at work


----------



## parlando

“Every salad in our Greek restaurant is a feta compli.”


This is totally original with me. My wife doesn’t like it much.


----------



## Roger Knox

parlando said:


> “Every salad in our Greek restaurant is a feta compli.”
> 
> This is totally original with me. My wife doesn’t like it much.


I like it! And, too much of one kind of cheese is the *feta *many Greek restaurant meals.


----------



## Waehnen

mikeh375 said:


> 20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine .


LOL!


----------



## NoCoPilot

When I die, I'm leaving my entire estate to Charity. Well, I might ask her to share with the other strippers.


----------



## NoCoPilot

Did you hear about the writer who was sent to jail for using too many commas? The judge told him to expect a long sentence.

Or the women's prison that had trouble keeping inmates? Turns out every sentence was ended by a period.


----------



## parlando

Not so sure about the second one. Maybe yes, maybe gross. I’d have to ask Mensa about that.


----------



## Mowgli

A dyslexic walked into a bra and said "if life gives you melons you might be dyslexic"


----------



## Roger Knox

Q: When would you spot a dyslexic insomniac atheist? 
A: When you see someone up on their roof at 1am yelling, "There is no dog!"


----------



## Kjetil Heggelund

Why do cows have cowbells?
Because their horns don't work.


----------



## NoCoPilot

On the news tonite, a story about how a new factory in Poughkeepsie is opening to make computer chips.

I'm wondering, where did they find a slicer sharp enough?


----------



## NoCoPilot

Sounds like King Charles is going to the dentist.  They say he's being fitted for a crown.


----------



## Luchesi

How do you type the word "Royalty" on a keyboard?

You start with the higher R key. Get it?


----------



## NoCoPilot

This year for Halloween I'm going out as Michaelangelo's "David."

BEFORE he started carving.


----------

