# More Silly Jokes !



## superhorn (Mar 23, 2010)

Atheist - some one with no invisible means of support .

What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie ?
A dog that mauls you and then goes for help .

I'd kill for a Nobel peace prize !

Why don't men trust women ? 
Would you trust something that bled for three days and didn't die ?

After he fell, Humpty Dumpty was just a shell of himself .

What religion was Humpty Dumpty ? He was an eggnostic .

The four stages of man - infancy, childhood, adolescence and obsolecense .

The three stages of man - youth, middle age and "Gee, you look great !"

How many actors does it take to change a lightbulb ?
100 - one to change it and 99 to say they could have done it better !

Why do women like silent men ? They think they're listening to them !

What do you call a parrot in a rain coat ? Polly unsaturated !

My doctor has a great stress test - it's called the bill !

Why did the elephant cross the road ? It was the chicken's day off !

Why did the pervert cross the road ? He was looking for a chicken !

Beverly Hills is so exclusive, when a woman has a baby , her Perrier breaks !

What kind of cigarettes do Jews smoke ? Gefiltered !

What's the difference between politics and baseball ? In basebal, 
you're out if you're caught stealing !


Did you hear about the veterinarian and the taxidermist who went into business together ?
Their slogan was - Either way, you get your pet back !







:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:


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## Lunasong (Mar 15, 2011)

^^that last joke :lol: :lol: :tiphat:


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## Lunasong (Mar 15, 2011)

A man has lost his wife in the supermarket and approaches a woman he's never met before. "Hi, I've lost my wife, do you mind if I talk to you for a moment?" he asks.
"Why in the world do you want to speak to me?"
He replied, "Because whenever I speak to a woman with breasts your size, my wife appears out of nowhere!!"

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends 
and had a few too many beers.
Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home.
I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got this one.

Quotes from Rodney Dangerfield:

A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.


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## Lunasong (Mar 15, 2011)

Just in time for Halloween.

Bob Hill and his new wife, Betty, are vacationing in Europe; as it happens, in Transylvania. They're driving a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It's late, and raining very hard. Bob can barely see 10 feet in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail. The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his new wife unconscious, with her head bleeding. Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone. Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light.

He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks. A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife, Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone??"

"I'm sorry," replies the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor. Come in and I will get him."

Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor. I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries; so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table. After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion."

Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty are no more. The Hills's deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his pipe organ. It is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, haunting melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. As the music fills the lab, his eyes catch movement. He notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise! He is further amazed as Betty sits straight up!
Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master:
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Master, Master!... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"


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## KenOC (Mar 7, 2011)

The worst joke ever told.

A pirate with a steering wheel on his crotch walks into a bar and orders a drink.

The bartender says, "Certainly, Mr. Pirate. But did you know...uh...there's a steering wheel on your crotch?"

The pirate says, "Arrrgh, and it be drivin' me nuts!"


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## EricABQ (Jul 10, 2012)

What do you call a fungus that is always insulting people?

A shittalking mushroom.


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## superhorn (Mar 23, 2010)

What did one mushroom say to the other mushroom ? You're a real fungi !


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## superhorn (Mar 23, 2010)

For Halloween : Why are demons and ghouls always hanging out together ?
That's because demons are a ghoul's best friend !

What do you get when you take the insides out of a hot dog ?
A hollow weenie !


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## Wandering (Feb 27, 2012)

*It's the day after Halloween, but...*

Why did the ghost cry? Because he has a Hollow-weenie!


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## Wandering (Feb 27, 2012)

*How do you kill fire ants?*

You pour some sand onto the mound, and then pour a bunch of beer on the sand. They get drunk and throw rocks at each other.


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## superhorn (Mar 23, 2010)

Why is it a bad idea to date a necrophiliac ? He only wants you for your body !


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## superhorn (Mar 23, 2010)

Why did Maria Shriver marry Arnold Schwarzenegger ?
So they could breed a bulletproof Kennedy !

Make love, not war. Or get married and do both !

She was a lovely girl . Our courtship was fast and furious.
I was fast and she was furious !

Computer dating is terrific- that is, if you're a computer !

Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy !

If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question ?

I dreamed that God sneezed, and I didn't know what to say to him !

Why don't lobsters share ? They're shellfish !

What's white and crawls up your leg ?
Uncle Ben's perverted rice !

If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get ?
Missle toe !

Why did one of Santa's helpers commit suicide ?
He had low elf esteem !

Why isn't there mouse- flavored cat food ?

The big guns in the movie business are usually the ones who have
never been fired .

He's so old that whne he orders a three-minute egg ,
they ask him for the money up front !


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## Lunasong (Mar 15, 2011)

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave side service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back-country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical man I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends; I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low my heart was full.

As I was opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."


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## superhorn (Mar 23, 2010)

For Thanksgiving : What do you get when you cross a turkey with an octopus ? 
Enough drumsticks for everybody !

What do you get whne you cross a turkey with a whale ?
An awful lot of stuffing !

What did the indians say when they first saw the pilgrims arriving ? 
Yuck ! Boat people !

What kind of music did the pilgrims listen to ? Plymouth rock !


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## Wandering (Feb 27, 2012)

I guy goes to the doctor. He has a cucumber sticking out of one ear, an apple out of the other, and a banana up his nose. The doctor says, 'I know what's wrong, you havent' been eating right.'


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## superhorn (Mar 23, 2010)

A guy walks into his doctor's office . He llooks terrible . He all covered with bruises , is wincing in pain and has lots of band adids on his face .
Startled, the doctor asks "What's the heck is the matter ?" The guy replies, "Doc, the weirdest thing happened to me last evening. I got a knock on the door, and when I opened the door, there was a giant six foot cockroch . It barged in and starting beating me up . Then it left abruptly. That's why I look so bad ".
The doctor replied " That's right. There's a nasty bug going around ."










:lol: :lol: :lol:


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## KenOC (Mar 7, 2011)

A guy is sitting at the bar when a Panda walks in. The panda sits down at the bar and orders a dish of peanuts. When he's finished, he pulls out a revolver and shoots the place up, smashing the mirrors and making the other patrons dive under their tables. Then he walks out.

The guy says to the bartender, "Why'd he do that?" The bartender shrugs and says, "He's a panda. Look it up." So the guy checks his dictionary and sees: "Eats chutes and leaves."


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## Lunasong (Mar 15, 2011)

There once was a business owner who was interviewing people for a division manager position. He decided to select the individual that could answer the question "how much is 2+2?"

The _engineer_ pulled out his slide rule and shuffled it back and forth, and finally announced, "It lies between 3.98 and 4.02".
The _mathematician_ said, "In two hours I can demonstrate it equals 4 with the following short proof."
The _physicist_ declared, "It's in the magnitude of 1x101."
The _logician_ paused for a long while and then said, "This problem is solvable."
The _social worker_ said, "I don't know the answer, but I a glad that we discussed this important question.
The _attorney_ stated, "In the case of Svenson vs. the State, 2+2 was declared to be 4." 
The _trader_ asked, "Are you buying or selling?"

The _auditor_ looked at the business owner, then got out of his chair, went to see if anyone was listening at the door and pulled the drapes. Then he returned to the business owner, leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, "What would you like it to be?"

***
Robert went to his lawyer and said, 'I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how to go about it.' The lawyer smiled at Robert and replied, 'Not a problem, leave it all to me.'

Robert looked somewhat upset and said, 'Well, I knew you were going to take a big portion, but I would like to leave a little to my family too!'


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## Lunasong (Mar 15, 2011)

Non-PC jokes that I laughed at anyway (i am female)

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it. 

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? 
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you. 

Why do women have smaller feet than men? 
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. 

How do you fix a woman's watch? 
You don't. There is a clock on the oven. 

Why do men break wind more than women? 
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure. 

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.


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## Wandering (Feb 27, 2012)

^ Those are classics.

One joke reminded of a co-worker, she said her boyfriend held her head under the covers when he farted, he thought it was real funny. I don't think she's with him any longer.


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## Lunasong (Mar 15, 2011)

*The Origins of Yodeling*

Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?

Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching, and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.

As the story goes, the farmer's daughter came down from upstairs and asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?"

"That's some fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "He needs a place to stay for the night, so I said he could sleep in the barn."

The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of food and took it out to the barn.

About an hour later, the daughter returned, her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.

The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she, too, did not return for an hour.

When she did, her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly and her hair all messed up. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.

When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"

"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.

The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!"

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth and yelled out, _"LAIDTHEOLADEETOO."_


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## superhorn (Mar 23, 2010)

A crocodile went to his physician one day and told him "Doc, I feel terrible. I don't have any energy, no get up and go . I just don't have the stamina to lie in wait for my prey by the river any more . What's the matter with me ?" 
The doctor gives the croc a thorough examnation and tells him "Well, it appears you have a 
reptile dysfunction ".


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## Lunasong (Mar 15, 2011)

Never trust an atom...
...they make up everything.


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## Flamme (Dec 30, 2012)

KenOC said:


> The worst joke ever told.
> 
> A pirate with a steering wheel on his crotch walks into a bar and orders a drink.
> 
> ...


Lol cracked me up


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## Flamme (Dec 30, 2012)

Descartes is sitting in a bar, having a drink. The bartender asks him if he would like another. "I think not," he says ... and disappears.


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## Flamme (Dec 30, 2012)

Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, "I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream." The waitress replies, "I'm sorry, monsieur, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?"


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## Flamme (Dec 30, 2012)

A boy is about to go on his first date, and his father gives him the following advice: "If you ever don't know what to talk about, just remember the three F's: food, family, and philosophy. You can always start a conversation about one of those subjects."

The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's nervousness builds. He remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic. He asks the girl: "Do you like potato pancakes?" She says "No," and the silence returns.

After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, "Do you have a brother?" The girl says "No," and there is silence once again.

The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's advice and asks the girl: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"


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## Flamme (Dec 30, 2012)

An engineer, a scientist, a mathematician, and a philosopher are hiking through the hills of Scotland, when they see a lone black sheep in a field.

The engineer says, "What do you know, it looks like the sheep around here are black." The scientist looks at him skeptically and replies, "Well, at least some of them are." The mathematician considers this for a moment and replies, "Well, at least one of them is." Then the philosopher turns to them and says, "Well, at least on one side."


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## Flamme (Dec 30, 2012)

HE KNEW THE LAW

An old man charged with stealing chickens was arraigned in court and was incriminating himself when the judge said:

"You ought to have a lawyer. Where's your lawyer?"

"Ah ain't got no lawyer, judge," said the old man.

"Very well, then," said his honor, "I'll assign a lawyer to defend you."

"Oh, no, sir; no, sir! Please don't do that!" the man begged.

"Why not?" asked the judge. "It won't cost you anything. Why don't you want a lawyer?"

"Well, judge, I'll tell you, sir," said the old man, waving his tattered old hat confidentially. "It's this way…I want to enjoy them chickens myself.”


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## Flamme (Dec 30, 2012)

DIDN'T SUIT HIM

Tim Casey, a juror, rose suddenly from his seat and hastened to the door of the courtroom. He was prevented, however, from leaving the room, and was sternly questioned by the judge.

"Yes, your honor, I'll explain meself," said the juror. "When Mr. Finn finished his talking me mind was clear all through, but when Mr. Evans begins his talkin' I becomes all confused an' says I to meself, Timotee, I'd better lave at once, an' shtay away until he is done,' because, your honor, to tell the truth, I didn't like the way the argument was going."


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## Flamme (Dec 30, 2012)

HAD HIS RIGHTS

"Why did you strike this man?" asked the Judge sternly.

"He called me a liar, your honor," replied the accused.

"Is that true?" asked the Judge, turning to the man with the mussed-up face.

"Sure, it's true," said the accused, "I called him a liar because he is one, and I can prove it."

"What have you got to say to that?" asked the Judge of the defendant.

"It's got nothing to do with the case, your honor," was the unexpected reply. "Even if I am a liar I guess I've got a right to be sensitive about it, ain't I?"


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## Flamme (Dec 30, 2012)

Kids today are so violent .

One of them slammed his head into my fist for no reason.


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## superhorn (Mar 23, 2010)

A distraught guy goes to his psychiatrist and tells him "Doc, I'm very worried . My wife thinks she's a hen ."
The shrink tells him. "Well, you'd better bring her to me so I can try to help her ".
The says, " I really can't. doc ". "Why"? " We really need the eggs ."


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## science (Oct 14, 2010)

One of my students came up with this: I know I'm popular because every time I go to the beach, the ocean waves.


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## Lunasong (Mar 15, 2011)

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bellringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bellringers job. The bishop was incredulous. 
"You have no arms!" 

"No matter," said the man, "observe!" He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side. 

When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. 

As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?" 

"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell." 

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist (now there's a trivia question for you), the bishop continued his interviews for the bellringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, "Your excellency, I am the brother of the poor, armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty." The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. 

"What has happened?" the first breathlessly asked, "Who is this man?" 

"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother."


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## Cheyenne (Aug 6, 2012)

"_You can be certain that ten years from now no one will know who Richard Wagner is_."
- Richard Strauss as a young man

:lol:


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## Ryan (Dec 29, 2012)

Why did the scarecrow win the Nobel prize? 

Because he was outstanding in his field.


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## mstar (Aug 14, 2013)

Cheyenne said:


> "_You can be certain that ten years from now no one will know who Richard Wagner is_."
> - Richard Strauss as a young man
> 
> :lol:


Best joke I've heard all day!


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