# One Day The Single Woman Went To The Grocery Store (Compiled)



## Couchie (Dec 9, 2010)

*One Day The Single Woman Went To The Grocery Store*

By Assorted TC Members​
One day, the single woman went to the grocery store that was located in Seoul, South Korea, to pick up some ramen packets since she was not a real cook. However, in the check out line, the latest reader's digest headline caught her eye and it said,

"£20 FREE when you deposit £10 to play with Reader's Digest Bingo", at which the single woman returned home to her laptop to indulge in some more lonely gambling.

She heard a loud noise from her computer so she turned around to discover that it signified a pop up which was advertising a job interview to which her special talents happened to be suited, and it took place in an hour. So she downed some coffee, put on adequate makeup, and fell asleep for 5 hours, missing her interview.

Upon waking, she poured herself a large glass of gin and lime, which she got the idea for from a Raymond Chandler book, serialized in a magazine she read in the waiting room of the previous company that called her up for an interview. Except for the gin and lime, the whole magazine was so depressingly boring that she fell asleep for 5 hours.

Upon waking, she died.

Examining her body, the mortician was shocked to discover a collection of tiny bingo balls lining her digestive tract, each with various inscriptions on them that she'd carved with a nail. But the mortician could not be bothered to write down all the inscriptions (in his mortician's notebook), and neither he nor anybody else ever mentioned them again.

That was until the coroner's inquest when, given the unusual circumstances surrounding the woman's death, it was demanded that each of the 6,729 inscriptions were read aloud for everyone to hear:

"All inscriptions should be read aloud in public".

The secretary sighed, threw away the note and went to get the court's microphone system, which she plugged in and triple-checked that all was working adequately before he began to recite the inscriptions on the loud-speaker with great clarity. They read:

"Belongs to Denny".

"Like anyone would steal an old loud-speaker", she thought to herself, when suddenly...the coroner shouted at her:

"READ THE INSCRIPTIONS ON THE BINGO BALLS NOW OR YOU'LL LOSE YOUR JOB." Without any more messing around, she began:

"'_To every ω-consistent recursive class κ of formulae there correspond recursive class signs r, such that neither v Gen r nor Neg (v Gen r) belongs to Flg (κ) (where v is the free variable of r)._' Which, apparently, is relevant to the issue because... here on the next bingo ball it says..."

"Okay, stop", the coroner said. "I get the picture. Hey, sorry for yelling at you. If you could just stop licking the bingo balls, though, we can get you some help. Here, these people will take you to a nice, safe place where you can get better. Now about those long, complex inscriptions on impossibly small bingo balls - wouldn't she need some kind of advanced-"

At that, the single woman burst into the room, nobody yet sure who had actually died after being stuffed with Reader's Digest Bingo balls...

"I'm MARRIED!" the woman screamed, as the crowd gasped in disbelief, and with that the not-so-single woman tripped on the staircase descending into the courtroom, landed on her neck, and died, spilling a glass of gin.

The insane secretary, while being led from the court room, went from licking half-digested bingo balls to lapping at the gin on the floor before being dragged away while the members of the court began to decide how to deal with the two dead women.

One of whom... sprang straight to back to life.

"This story makes no sense whatsoever," she yelled, "and we have to put an end to this madness."

Upon hearing those inspiring words, the coroner had a brilliant idea. But before he could act on it, his attention was diverted by a spider of considerable size suddenly approaching him at a surprisingly high speed. He closed his eyes and was immediately consumed by the spider, which was more than twice his size. The people in the court room started screaming and fumbling over each other in an attempt to get out - the newly revivified woman, given a chance at life for a third time, was crushed under the spider's feet and instantly killed.

With proud strides, the spider took his place behind the Judge's lectern, and striking the gavel twice, began a slow, dignified recital of Keats' _Ode on a Grecian Urn_:

_Thou still unravished bride of quietness,
Thou foster-child of silence and slow time, 
Sylvan historian, who canst thus express
A flowery tale more lovely than the Rhine:

Where ten small children went out to dine;
One choked his little self
And then there remained only nine.

Nine more lively little beasts
for me to add to my human feast -
only the living will suffice,
for their squirms when rent with my knife.
_
_The nine children foresaw their fate,
and remained vigilant 'til it was very late;
alas, one overslept his little self
and then there were only eight.
Eight more lively little beasts
for me to add to my human feast._

"That's all very pretty," a bitter voice said, interrupting the spider. "But no one ***** with me."

The decoy single woman's corpse was once more filled with life, and she walked purposefully towards the spider while spluttering, bingo balls with incomprehensible inscriptions popping from her digestive orifices uncontrollably.


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## Trout (Apr 11, 2011)

That was beautiful.


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## Cnote11 (Jul 17, 2010)

The stylization is quite lovely, Couchie. As for the story itself, BRILLIANT!


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## Polednice (Sep 13, 2009)

The quality of TC has suddenly shot up.


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## emiellucifuge (May 26, 2009)

I retract all my posts of disappointment made earlier today.


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## mmsbls (Mar 6, 2011)

I view _One Day The Single Woman Went To The Grocery Store_ as a parable in the form of deconstructed text that accuses human arrogance of committing the supreme sin of denigrating virtue against the desolate landscape of a post-immigration, Kafkaesque judicial system. That or a _Barney and Friends_ PBS Kids spinoff.


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