# You might be a guitar player if.....



## Metalkitsune (Jul 11, 2011)

you're asked about the best amp and you say Peavey and you realize they're talking about car amplifiers.

You have a shrine to Randy Rhoads,Jimi Hendrix and Eddie Van Halen in your garage.

you carry more picks than cash in your wallet.

you always have someone knocking on your door to "Turn it down."

you go to a concert and think,"wait there is something wrong with the bass i can hear it."

You know that Line 6 spiders suck.


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## EddieRUKiddingVarese (Jan 8, 2013)

My main man


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## EddieRUKiddingVarese (Jan 8, 2013)

You know you're a _classical_ guitarist when...

your response to someone looking at your nails is: "i'm not gay, i'm a guitarist".

on occasion you've refused to play for the following reasons: "it's too cold" or "my nails are too short".

you are a guitarist who actually _can_ read sheet music.

you once got caught smelling your guitar.

to you the terms g-string and nylon don't refer to lingerie items.

you tune your guitar almost as much as you play it.

you've tuned your guitar while playing and people thought it was badass.

the modern and contemporary repertoires for your instrument are actually better than pre-modern.

everyday you ask god why he let andres segovia's apartment burn down while it may have contained manuel ponce's hommage à Bach???

to you john williams is not necessarily a film composer.

you've used the intimacy of your playing as a tool for mind control over the opposite sex.

metal guitarists bow to you.

you've once seen a picture of what you thought was a gorilla in a dress, when it was in fact augustin barrios.

etc.


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## Metalkitsune (Jul 11, 2011)

If you read tabs better than comic books

If you go to a guitar store on the way when you do errands

If you carry a guitar pick with you


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## Couchie (Dec 9, 2010)

You can't read sheet music

An open guitar case on the street is your main source of income

You're in a band that releases music mastered in Apple GarageBand with less than 30 YouTube views 

Your parents couldn't afford a piano when you were a kid

You smoke weed 

I hate guitars


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## MarkW (Feb 16, 2015)

If you fret easily.


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## starthrower (Dec 11, 2010)

You know how to play one.


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## Nate Miller (Oct 24, 2016)

I love guitar player jokes. The only people guitarists get to bust on is drummers and banjo players. Violists must go through a lot of the same treatment.

you know who comes up with all these guitar player jokes?

violinists with nothing better to do on a Friday night! :lol:

you know, Eddie said we smell our guitars....the first 6 months I had my concert instrument, the Indian rosewood still smelled like a rose, especially after I had played for a bit. I think you would have to really put your nose into the sound hole to get a good whiff of roses now, but it was pretty unique. so when I first got it home, I was so enthusiastic that I kept pushing the body of my guitar into my friend's faces saying "check this out, it smells like roses!"


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## Metalkitsune (Jul 11, 2011)

What's the first thing a drummer says when he moves to LA?
"Would you like fries with that, sir?


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## Nate Miller (Oct 24, 2016)

you need another thread for drummer jokes

I think this thread is about musicians


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## Nate Miller (Oct 24, 2016)

dogen said:


> you died from an overdose.


these days it's more like, "you know you're a millennial if.."


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## Merl (Jul 28, 2016)

You go into lengthy discussions about sustain.

The only oil in your cupboard is lemon oil for your fretboard.

The only thing you watch at a gig is the guitarists' fret hand.

You know that Travis Picking isn't a country and western artist.


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## Guest (Apr 4, 2018)

you died from an overdose.


I'm lost in time....


(This forum requires that you wait 30 seconds between posts. Please try again in 4257 seconds.  )


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## Room2201974 (Jan 23, 2018)

You own both a dread and an OM for the differences in the overtones.

The nails on your plucking hand are ramped.

You've been slurring all night but you haven't touched a drop of alcohol.

You can't remember the last time you didn't have calluses on your fretting fingertips.

You have GAS. (Guitar Acquisition Syndrome)

You only own hard shell cases.

You know the difference between Tonerite and tone row!

You know what a "hog" is but you hate the term.

You know that "scalloped braces" are not the latest trend in orthodontics.

Your "woody" is not an anatomical part.


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## EddieRUKiddingVarese (Jan 8, 2013)

and National Steel isn't about making beams or robbing the government


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## Cosmic Cowboy (May 31, 2018)

You know what this is -






You have one.

You can actually play it.

In tune.


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## Cosmic Cowboy (May 31, 2018)

^^^^^^ Despite the username this is not me. I look as if I played guitar for The Eagles and no one told me that it was no longer 1973.


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## Cosmic Cowboy (May 31, 2018)

Metalkitsune said:


> you're asked about the* best* amp and you say _Peavey_


Really? Since when?

Marshall JVM410H Head - Marshall 1960A 300-watt 4x12" Angled Extension Cabinet.

Plug in Gibson ES-355TD with Bigsby vibrato tailpiece. (Me, not the guy in the video)

Start shredding.


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## Cosmic Cowboy (May 31, 2018)

We really should start a band. Hearing everyone in "Classical Music" and "Opera" telling us to TURN IT DOWN OR WE'RE CALLING THE COPS! would give me a reason to enter the forum every day.

We should call the band "We Kissed And Made Up And Now We're No Longer Holding A Grudge Against The Machine".

or "Rolling Our Eyes And Sighing In Exasperation Against The Machine".

Or "The Bogan Hunters" - I just threw that last one in there to make Eddie laugh. He did. Mission accomplished.


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## Dr Johnson (Jun 26, 2015)

EddieRUKiddingVarese said:


> and National Steel isn't about making beams or robbing the government


And "dobro" means good in any language.


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## Cosmic Cowboy (May 31, 2018)

Dr Johnson said:


> And "dobro" means good in any language.







and extending the concept several steps further -


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## Constant Q (Jun 7, 2018)

You listen to Yngwie Malmsteen.


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## Cosmic Cowboy (May 31, 2018)

Constant Q said:


> You listen to Yngwie Malmsteen.


No. I really don't like being told what to do. Yngwie is always trying to tell me what to do and I don't care much for it.






Sorry, mate, but Eddie's better. Our Eddie. Varese. Not van Halen.

I have 40 posts. You have 2. I win. You lose. Most if not all of mine are videos as I don't really have much to say. Unless you mention bogans. Ask Eddie. Our Eddie. Varese. Not van Halen. Eddie van Halen wouldn't have the vaguest idea as to what a "bogan" is although the older he gets the more he actually looks like one.

*sighs *rolls eyes bloody bogan ba$tards… :tiphat: Tip of the hat to Cap.

If Frank Zappa had joined Bob Wills and His Texas Playboys instead of starting the Mothers of Invention he would have sounded like Eddie. Our Eddie. Varese. Not van Halen.


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## Room2201974 (Jan 23, 2018)

Cosmic Cowboy said:


> If Frank Zappa had joined Bob Wills and His Texas Playboys instead of starting the Mothers of Invention he would have sounded like Eddie. Our Eddie. Varese. Nor van Halen.


I'd love to hear some Eddie who is not van Halen, our Eddie. Are there any links to EddieRUyoukiddingVarese's music you could post?

*gets headphones ready*


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## Cosmic Cowboy (May 31, 2018)

Room2201974 said:


> I'd love to hear some Eddie who is not van Halen, our Eddie. Are there any links to EddieRUyoukiddingVarese's music you could post?
> 
> *gets headphones ready*


Here's a link to Eddie's blog -

https://www.talkclassical.com/members/eddierukiddingvarese.html?tab=blog#blog

That last bit - "If Frank Zappa had joined Bob Wills and His Texas Playboys instead of starting the Mothers of Invention he would have sounded like Eddie. Our Eddie. Varese. Not van Halen." was just me having a bit of a laugh, mate. I get a bit overexcited when bogan hunting season first opens. Eddie's work is uniquely "Eddie" and is not a combination of Frank Zappa and Bob Wills and his Texas Playboys. AFAIK Eddie can't yodel. I can. In Oz "sheilas" really dig yodelers and I really dig "sheilas".


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## Cosmic Cowboy (May 31, 2018)

I shall be requiring the services of a "roadie" as I have no intentions of carrying all that gear - tonnes of equipment - over a dozen very expensive guitars and stacks and stacks of Marshalls and a random and miscellaneous array of effects pedals that I never actually use but insist upon carrying around everywhere I go.

Primary duties are carrying and setting up and taking down all that gear and making tea as I'm quite fond of a nice cuppa. I'm really quite agreeable and often rather amusing but I can get a bit sharpish if I catch you attempting to tune one of my guitars. If I hear you play "Smoke On The Water" you shall face the very wrath of God himself. Oh, and I may occasionally ask you to pop 'round and fetch things.

My previous roadies have all shared the same qualities - being perpetually in a foul mood, having an apparently endless parade of grievances, and rolling one's eyes and sighing in exasperation every time I asked them to do something "that isn't in their job description" like pop 'round and fetch things but all were brilliant conversationalists who had enough sense to resist the temptation to tune my guitars but apparently couldn't cure themselves of their obsessively compulsive desire to play "Smoke On The Water" despite my frequent threats to bring down the very wrath of God himself upon them.

Eddie, Dr. Johnson - you lads have a bloke in your "State of …" group who is an ideal candidate to be my roadie. Can you reach out to that Eugene Onagain fellow on my behalf? I need to move that gear into here post haste and I really would benefit from being able to savour a nice cuppa - milk, two sugars, please.

And when you do actually arrive - "*Careful with That Axe, Eugene*"

I've been waiting years to use that line.

Pink Floyd fans are having quite a laugh at that one right now..

And so is everyone in "The State of …" group who is not in fact Eugene Onagain.


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## Dr Johnson (Jun 26, 2015)

I'd like a roadie too. Wouldn't we all?

I think you'd get a dusty answer from Euge.


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## Cosmic Cowboy (May 31, 2018)

Dr Johnson said:


> I'd like a roadie too. Wouldn't we all?
> 
> I think you'd get a dusty answer from Euge.


Oh, I wouldn't mind sharing him with you at all - you're really quite a decent chap - I think of you as our group's version of "Django Reinhardt" - and you apparently have exquisite taste in all things requiring... requiring... well "exquisite taste" would be the words I'm looking for.

On second thought a roadie is all right for a couple of scruffs like Eddie and myself but I think we may need to provide you with a butler if that would be to your liking. I looked up the responsibilities of a butler and I think you might fancy having one -

*Responsibilities of a Butler
*
_Supervising and training household staff
_
_Serving meals and drinks, answering the door and telephone, setting the table and serving formal meals_

_Taking care of the wine cellar, and the valuable possessions of the house (china, crystal, etc.)
_
_Managing the household budget and organizing events
_
_Assisting with the family and household security measures
_

If you would prefer a valet instead that is of course entirely up to you but you don't really strike me as being the Bertie Wooster type and thus wouldn't require the services of Jeeves. And valets are more likely to drain your wine cellar than to "take care" of it.

And don't worry about any dustiness from Eugene - all roadies are like that - they really need to get a bit more fibre into their diets if you ask me.

That's why the job description was written thus - _My previous roadies have all shared the same qualities - being perpetually in a foul mood, having an apparently endless parade of grievances, and rolling one's eyes and sighing in exasperation every time I asked them to do something "that isn't in their job description" like pop 'round and fetch things _

Until you finish interviewing your butler candidates (there's an awful lot of layabouts in that "State of" group of yours so you might want to broaden your search a bit further) you have my permission to require Eugene to carry all your gear or pop 'round and fetch things. If he protests (and he surely will) just give him a really hard stare - works like magic.

Speaking of Eugene, my roadie... I say, old boy, where's that cuppa?


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## Norman Gunston (Apr 21, 2018)

Who is the most famous roadie of all time
Hint he worked for jimi and something to do with hawks


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## Room2201974 (Jan 23, 2018)

Norman Gunston said:


> Who is the most famous roadie of all time
> Hint he worked for jimi and something to do with hawks


I really don't have a clue, but let me ask you a question: was he famous enough to have a song and album written for him? And that said album is thought to be the greatest album in the artist's career and wins Rolling Stone's album of the year distinction!!!!! If your mystery roadie doesn't reach those distinctions, I'm not sure he's the most famous roadie.


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## EddieRUKiddingVarese (Jan 8, 2013)

Second Clue - Ace of Spades


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## Cosmic Cowboy (May 31, 2018)

EddieRUKiddingVarese said:


> Second Clue - Ace of Spades


Would someone please guess "Lemmy" of Hawkwind and Motörhead so that Eddie will stop doing this?

I guess the rest of you must have your search engines in the shop for repairs or something.

Just type "most famous roadie + jimi + hawks" and guess whose name came up? It took less than 3 seconds... prats...


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## EddieRUKiddingVarese (Jan 8, 2013)

Cosmic Cowboy said:


> Would someone please guess "Lemmy" of Hawkwind and Motörhead so that Eddie will stop doing this?
> 
> I guess the rest of you must have your search engines in the shop for repairs or something.
> 
> Just type "most famous roadie + jimi + hawks" and guess whose name came up? It took less than 3 seconds... prats...


yeah, he was also roadie for the Nice (who I much prefer over ELP). 
Now there is a great Guitarist Davy O'List


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## EddieRUKiddingVarese (Jan 8, 2013)

Constant Q said:


> You listen to Yngwie Malmsteen.


Yeah, I think he wins by a long way


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## Cosmic Cowboy (May 31, 2018)

EddieRUKiddingVarese said:


> Yeah, I think he wins by a long way


and then he gets thrashed to within an inch of his life by Lobby Loyde











Yngwie Malmsteen… prat...


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## Prat (Jun 15, 2018)




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