# Holiday Joke Page!



## Lunasong (Mar 15, 2011)

This holiday season, in lieu of gifts, I've decided to give everyone my opinion. 

Q:What do you call a kid that doesn't believe in Santa? 
A: A rebel without a Claus. 

Q: What do you call Santa's helpers? 
A: Subordinate clauses 

Q: Why is Santa so jolly? 
A: Because he knows where all the naughty girls live. 

Q: What's the difference between snowmen and snowladies? 
A: Snowballs. 

Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? 
A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit. 

Q: Why did the snowman have a smile on his face ? 
A: Because the snowblower was coming down the block. 

Q:What do you call an elf wearing ear muffs? A:
Anything you want. He can't hear you.

Q: What goes "oh oh oh"? 
A: Santa walking backwards 

Q: How do you know if there's a snowman in your bed? 
A: You wake up wet!


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## Mesa (Mar 2, 2012)

The one my friend came up with at the age of 11 on a bus ride home from school that i was convinced was the greatest thing ever said:
Why does it snow at Christmas?
Because Santa's coming!


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## Lunasong (Mar 15, 2011)

Last year, I asked Santa for the sexiest person ever for Christmas. I woke up in a box. 

Dad was shopping in a toy store. He said, "That's a terrific train set; I'll buy it!" The clerk said, "Nice choice, and I am sure your child will love it."
Dad replied, "You're right. I'll take two!"

Did you know that according to the song, "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer", Santa has twelve reindeer? 
In the introduction it goes "There's Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen, Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen..." That makes eight reindeer. Then there's Rudolph, of course, so that makes nine. Then there's Olive. You know, "Olive the other reindeer used to laugh..." That makes ten. The eleventh is Howe. You know, "Then Howe the reindeer loved him..." Eleven reindeer. Oh, and number 12? That's Andy! "Andy shouted out with glee." 

Q: What do you call Frosty the Snowman in May?
A: A puddle!

Q: What did Santa shout to his toys on Christmas Eve?
A: Okay everyone, sack time!!

I think that if it weren't for Christmas, Father's Day, and birthdays, aftershave would have never been invented.


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## Winterreisender (Jul 13, 2013)

Q: Why don't you ever see Santa in hospital? 
A: Because he has private elf care.

Q: Why is it getting harder to buy Advent calendars? 
A: Because their days are numbered.


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## Katie (Dec 13, 2013)

Mesa - you vulgar iconoclast! Amidst the balance of virgin profferings you had to register the lone submission that would warrant an X rating for this thread. Well done!/Katie


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## Huilunsoittaja (Apr 6, 2010)

Q: What is Santa's favorite kind of music?
A: Wrap music


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## superhorn (Mar 23, 2010)

Sad news . One of Santa's helpers just committed suicide . He was suffering from low elf esteem .
For shame ! Sant just got caught in a sexual indiscretion ! Ho Ho Ho !


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## superhorn (Mar 23, 2010)

Who comes from down south , works for Santa , and is very conservative ?

Rudlolph the ******* reindeer !


A famous communist named Rudolph who lived in Moscow was out walking with his wife one
day . He said to her that he just felt a drop of rain . She disagreed . He replied,
"Rudolph the red knows rain , dear !".

Oy !!!!!


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## Lunasong (Mar 15, 2011)

Katie said:


> Mesa - you vulgar iconoclast! Amidst the balance of virgin profferings you had to register the lone submission that would warrant an X rating for this thread. Well done!/Katie


I'll try harder.

Why is Santa's sack so big?
Because he only comes once a year!

They say that Santa comes but once a year. I can't understand that, considering all the bedrooms he visits.

The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.

What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male reindeer out on Christmas Eve ? 
They go into town, and blow a few bucks.

A little boy wrote to Santa, "Dear Santa, please send me a sister."
Santa wrote back, "OK, send me your mother."


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## Lunasong (Mar 15, 2011)

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a new job the next day.

John asks his wife 'What do you want for Christmas, darling?' His wife replies, 'I don't know, surprise me.' John then waits till his wife has left the room, and when she re-enters he jumps out at her and screams, "WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR CHRISTMAS, DARLING??

Santa used to be real....until he put Chuck Norris on the Naughty List.


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## Winterreisender (Jul 13, 2013)

Q: How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas? 
A: Deep pan, crisp and even.


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## Ingélou (Feb 10, 2013)

King Ethelred was so sick of paying Harald the Viking 'dane-geld' to leave off raiding his shores.

'Leave it to me,' said his Wise Man. 'I'll teach him a lesson by inserting a few leaves in among the coins, then when Harald checks it...'

The Viking Lord arrived to take his money-chest & paused outside the door - as they knew he would - to check it was all there.

Ethelred asked his adviser, 'Did you put in some magic leaves?'

'No, sire,' said the Wise Man, 'stinging nettles.' Just then they heard a loud 'ow' from the hallway and the Wiseman smiled:
'Hark - the Harald Dane-geld stings!'


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## Lunasong (Mar 15, 2011)




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## Lunasong (Mar 15, 2011)




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## Lunasong (Mar 15, 2011)

Q. Why are Christmas trees such bad knitters?
A. They are always dropping their needles.

Q. How much did Santa pay for his sleigh?
A. Nothing, it was on the house!

Q. What is invisible and smells like milk and cookies? 
A. Santa's burps!

Q. What did the Gingerbread Man put on his bed?
A. A cookie sheet!

Q. What do you get when you deep fry Santa Claus?
A. Crisp Kringle.

Q. What's the best thing to give your parents for Christmas? 
A. A list of everything you want!

Q. Why are there only snowmen and not snowwomen?
A. Because only men are stupid enough to stand out in the snow without a coat.

Q. What comes before Christmas Eve?
A. Christmas Adam!

Q. How do you know when Santa's in the room?
A. You can sense his presents.

Q. How do Christmas trees keep their breath fresh?
A. They suck an orna-mint.

Q. Where do they make movies about Christmas trees?
A. In Tinsel Town.

Q. Where do reindeer go for Christmas dinner?
A. To their Aunt-ler's house.

Q. What's an Ig?
A. An Eskimo house without a toilet.


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## Lunasong (Mar 15, 2011)

In a small southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.

Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets.

She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You darn Yankees never do read the Bible!"

I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.

She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'"



Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had while making the toys. The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. To make matters worse, they had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree.
Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours - all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree!

I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?"

Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. He says "Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?"

And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass........


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## Lunasong (Mar 15, 2011)

REPUBLICAN vs DEMOCRAT CHRISTMAS​
* Republicans say "Merry Christmas!" Democrats say "Happy Holidays!"

* Republicans help the poor during the holidays by sending $50 to the Salvation Army. Democrats help the poor by giving $50, one buck at a time, to panhandlers on the street.

* Democrats get back at the Republicans on their Christmas list by giving them fruitcakes. Republicans re-wrap them and send them to in-laws.

* Democrats let their kids open all the gifts on Christmas Eve. Republicans make their kids wait until Christmas morning.

* When toasting the holidays, Republicans ask for eggnog or mulled wine. Democrats ask for a "Bud."

* When not in stores, Republicans shop from a catalog. Democrats watch for "incredible TV offers" on late night television.

* Democrats do much of their shopping at Target and Wal-Mart. So do Republicans, but they don't admit it.

* Republican parents have no problem buying toy guns for their kids. Democrats refuse to do so. That is why their kids pretend to shoot each other with dolls.

* Republicans spends hundreds of dollars and hours of work decorating the yard with outdoor lights and Christmas displays. Democrats save their time and money, and drive around at night to look at *other* people's lights.

* Democrats' favorite Christmas movie is "Miracle on 34th Street." Republicans' favorite Christmas movie is "It's a Wonderful Life." Right-Wing Republicans' favorite Christmas movie is "Die Hard."

* Republicans always take the price tag off expensive gifts before wrapping. Democrats also remove price tags off pricey gifts ... and reposition them to make sure they are seen.

* Republicans wear wide red ties and green sports jackets during the festive season. Democrats do too, all year round.

* Most Republicans try, at least once, enclosing indulgent, wretchedly maudlin form letters about their families in their Christmas cards. Public ridicule from Democrats usually discourages them from doing it again.

* Democrats' favorite Christmas carol is "Deck the Halls." Young Democrats' favorite Christmas carol is "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer." Republicans' favorite Christmas carol is "White Christmas." Young Republicans' favorite Christmas carol is "White Christmas."

* Cheapskate Republicans buy an artificial Christmas tree. Tight-fisted Democrats buy a real tree, but they wait until the week before Christmas when the lots lower their prices.

* Democrat men like to watch football while the women fix holiday meals. On this, Republicans are in full agreement.

* Republicans see nothing wrong with letting their children play "Cowboys and Indians." Democrats don't either, as long as the Indians win.

* Republicans first began thinking like Republicans when they stopped believing in Santa Claus. Democrats became Democrats because they never stopped believing in Santa Claus.


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## Huilunsoittaja (Apr 6, 2010)

Lunasong said:


> REPUBLICAN vs DEMOCRAT CHRISTMAS​
> * Republicans say "Merry Christmas!" Democrats say "Happy Holidays!"


Womp. :lol: :lol:


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## superhorn (Mar 23, 2010)

There were no nativity scenes in Washington,D.C. this Christmas . Not for religious reasons, but
because they couldn't find three wise men or a virgin .






:lol: :lol: :lol:


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## superhorn (Mar 23, 2010)

If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get ? Missle toe !


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## Huilunsoittaja (Apr 6, 2010)

superhorn said:


> There were no nativity scenes in Washington,D.C. this Christmas . Not for religious reasons, but
> because they couldn't find three wise men or a virgin .


WOMP. Another good one. Since I'm from the area. :lol:


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## Lunasong (Mar 15, 2011)

Q: What's Santa's favorite snack?
A: A crisp Pringle.

Q: What do you call a bankrupt Santa?
A: Saint Nickel-less.

Q: What nationality is Santa Claus?
A: North Polish

Q: What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa?
A: A rebel without a Claus.

Dear Santa:
For Xmas this year I’m requesting a fat bank account and a small body.
P.S. And please don’t mix them up like you did last year...


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## hpowders (Dec 23, 2013)

Santa and Mary went up the snowy, Decembery hill; they each had a quarter.

Mary came down with fifty cents. You think they went up for ice water?


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## Lunasong (Mar 15, 2011)

Q: What is the most popular Christmas carol in the desert?
A: Camel ye Faithful.










Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present.

Q: What did the reindeer say before launching into his comedy routine? 
A: This will sleigh you.










Q: What is the purpose of reindeer?
A: It makes the grass grow, sweetie.


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## Lunasong (Mar 15, 2011)

Q: What do the elves call it when Father Christmas claps his hands at the end of a play?
A: Santapplause

Q: What's red & white and red & white and red & white?
A: Santa rolling down a hill.

Q: What comes at the end of Christmas Day?
A: The letter "Y."

Q: What kind of mug does a snowman use for for his beer?
A: A Frosted one.

Q: Why did Frosty go to the middle of the lake?
A: Because snow man's an island.

Q: Why does Scrooge love all of the reindeer?
A: Because every buck is dear to him.


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## ComposerOfAvantGarde (Dec 2, 2011)

Not sure if this has been posted yet but here's another snowman joke

What’s easier to make: a snowman or a snowwoman? A snowwoman is easier to make, because with a snowman you have to hollow out the head and pack all that extra snow into balls to make its testicles!

:lol:


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## TxllxT (Mar 2, 2011)




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## CBD (Nov 11, 2013)

What do you call the Salvation Army volunteer that froze to death outside the supermarket and has a striking resemblance to Santa Claus?




A dead ringer.


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