# Musical Jokes



## Daniel (Jul 11, 2004)

Just meant as funny stuff, no offense at all .

Let's start....
_
Why do violists stand for long periods outside people's houses? _
They can't find the key and they don't know when to come in. 
_
How do you get an oboist to play A flat?_
Take the batteries out of his electric tuner.
_
Why can't a gorilla play trumpet? _
He's too sensitive.


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## godzillaviolist (Jan 21, 2005)

*Jokes*

I love instrument jokes! You've probably heard all the viola jokes involving beer, conductors, violas in cars or beneath them ect. But this is my favorite viola joke:

A man is exploring a dangerous jungle with native guides. A few weeks into the exploration, drumming starts. The man can't tell where the drumming is coming from, and his guides refuse to tell him. Each day, the drumming gets increasingly louder, and the native guides get more frightened. Finally, on the fifth day, the drumming stops. His guides seems frightened out of their wits, and the explorer asks "What is it?". One of the guides reply; "The viola solo is next"

And a good double bass joke;

A bartender has an ability to instantly tell the IQ of anyone he meets. 
A man walks into the bar, and the bartender says "Wow, about 200! You'd probably like to sit at this table. The bartender leads the man to a table, and the man already sitting at that table says "Have you read the latest research on how chaos theory can be applied to... "
And the two men start talking.
The bartender sees another man walk in the door and says "Around 100, you should probably talk to that man over there". The bartender directs the man to the table, and the man already sitting at that table says "Lets go watch the sports channel, I heard there was going to be a game on..."
And these two men start talking too.
The bartender sees another man walking into the bar. "Oh dear, about 50, follow me to this table over here..." And as he sits the man down at the table, the man already at the table says;
"French bow or German bow?"


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## James (Jul 11, 2004)

xD

_ Why can't a gorilla play trumpet? _
He's too sensitive.

I don't get that one...


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## Daniel (Jul 11, 2004)

If a Gorilla is too sensitive, how will trumpet player look like?


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## godzillaviolist (Jan 21, 2005)

*Jokes*

More instrument jokes 

How do you tell if the trumpet is the right instrument for you? 
Answer the following.
You are a trumpet player at an audition. The other trumpet player at the audition is blind. His trumpet case spontaneously combusts. Do you;

A. Warn him and call help.
B. Pull the fire alarm and run out.
C. Don't say anything.
D. You set it on fire yourself.

If you answered C, the trumpet is for you; if you answered D, you should be giving masterclasses! 

*******

I found the following on a viola site, perhaps it makes sense to you Daniel?

Was sind die drei Lagen auf der Bratsche?
Erste Lage, Notlage, und Niederlage.


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## Quaverion (Jul 20, 2004)

I'm not getting these jokes...


What's the difference between a violin and a viola?


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## Daniel (Jul 11, 2004)

@Godzilla: HAHA it does make sense   I will translate it:

What are the 3 positions on the viola?
First position, state of distress and defeat...but does only really make sense in German.

I think I am not the perfect trumpet player 

@Quaverion: A viola burns longer?


A new one: 

Lute players spend half their time tuning their instrument and the other half playing out of tune.


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## godzillaviolist (Jan 21, 2005)

*beer!*

Quavarion: the viola can hold more beer ( hmm... I've ran across so many different variations of this joke  )

I found the following on a joke site:

Why are harps like elderly parents?
Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.

I've heard a rather mean variation of the last one involving Rita McNeil  
godzilla


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## godzillaviolist (Jan 21, 2005)

*I found the following*

another one:

What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds?
Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.


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## godzillaviolist (Jan 21, 2005)

*violn history*

I wrote the following about a month ago. It's a parody of the way people always talk about the viola in music books. No offense to violinists 

An introduction to the violin.

The violin is the soprano memember of the viola family, tuned
g-d'-a'-e", a fifth above the viola.
The most distressing design problem with the violin is its size. In
order to be acoustically beautifull, the violin would have to several
inches smaller than it's current size, making it too small to play
effectively. No adequate solution has been found to this problem as of
yet, and probably never will be. Even today, luthiers often copy
designs three to four hundred years out of date.
The effect of the flawed acoustics of the violin are many, the most
noticable being that it's tone is excessively bright and loud. Often
the open strings have a harsh unpleasant tone ( in order to avoid
this many violinists cultivated the higher positions simply out of
fear ), also the pizzicato are arguably the least resonant of the
viola family.
The violin is believed to have been developed in Italy during the
Rennaisance as a form of novelty viola. Many were made at this time
and in the coming centuries by amateur luthiers attempting to grasp
some basic skills before going on to the more important viola family
instruments such as the viola, 'cello and double bass. The amount of
violins made by some makers is astonishing, and tells a sad tale of
their lack of self confidence in their craft ( Stradivari being the
most well known case ).
From the beggining violinists consisted mainly of failed violists
and horn players who had lost their sense of taste. And, as many
people are less talented than they imagine themselves to be, the
violin section swelled into the largest section of the orchestra.
Confused and distressed by this devopment, composers were unsure of
how to respond. The gradual disappearance of polyphony as a major
force in music dates from this time. It was found given complex
polyphony to play, violinists would instead play variations of folk
tunes and dance music instead ( this is how the pavane, minuet and many other musical forms originated ). However, as violinists demanded to be
heard, the composers new duty was to negotiate between the violinists
and the aghast public. As entrusting them with important and subtle
harmony was out of the question, melody was given instead. It was
found that as long as the composers could write melodies more humable
than whatever the violinist had heard that morning, musical
equilibrium could be reached.
And so, over the next few centuries the situation would remain the
same. Gradually the violinists that had passed grade two were
entrusted to play some harmony and there for become known as "second
violinists". There is no reccord of any violinist ever surpassing that
level though, despite occasional requests for "third violins".
This unfortunate history has left the violin the butt of many jokes,
both musical and extramusical. A famous example is Schoenberg's violin
concerto which he wrote requiring more fingers than a violinist has at
his disposal, anticipating that the violinist would ask if he could
borrow one.

godzilla


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## Daniel (Jul 11, 2004)

Oh this is funny to read, Godzilla!  

I still like that:

*A Player's Guide for Keeping Conductors in Line*

by Donn Laurence Mills

If there were a basic training manual for orchestra players, it might include ways to practice not only music, but one-upmanship. It seems as if many young players take pride in getting the conductor's goat. The following rules are intended as a guide to the development of habits that will irritate the conductor. (Variations and additional methods depend upon the imagination and skill of the player.)


 Never be satisfied with the tuning note. Fussing about the pitch takes attention away from the podium and puts it on you, where it belongs.
 When raising the music stand, be sure the top comes off and spills the music on the floor.
 Complain about the temperature of the rehearsal room, the lighting, crowded space, or a draft. It's best to do this when the conductor is under pressure.
 Look the other way just before cues.
 Never have the proper mute, a spare set of strings, or extra reeds. Percussion players must _never_ have all their equipment.
 Ask for a re-audition or seating change. Ask often. Give the impression you're about to quit. Let the conductor know you're there as a personal favor.
 Pluck the strings as if you are checking tuning at every opportunity, especially when the conductor is giving instructions. Brass players: drop mutes. Percussionists have a wide variety of dropable items, but cymbals are unquestionably the best because they roll around for several seconds.
 Loudly blow water from the keys during pauses (Horn, oboe and clarinet players are trained to do this from birth).
 Long after a passage has gone by, ask the conductor if your C# was in tune. This is especially effective if you had no C# or were not playing at the time. (If he catches you, pretend to be correcting a note in your part.)
 At dramatic moments in the music (while the conductor is emoting) be busy marking your music so that the climaxes will sound empty and disappointing.
 Wait until well into a rehearsal before letting the conductor know you don't have the music.
 Look at your watch frequently. Shake it in disbelief occasionally.
 Tell the conductor, "I can't find the beat." Conductors are always sensitive about their "stick technique", so challenge it frequently.
 As the conductor if he has listened to the Bernstein recording of the piece. Imply that he could learn a thing or two from it. Also good: ask "Is this the first time you've conducted this piece?"
 When rehearsing a difficult passage, screw up your face and shake your head indicating that you'll never be able to play it. Don't say anything: make him wonder.
 If your articulation differs from that of others playing the same phrase, stick to your guns. Do not ask the conductor which is correct until backstage just before the concert.
 Find an excuse to leave rehearsal about 15 minutes early so that others will become restless and start to pack up and fidget.
 During applause, smile weakly or show no expression at all. Better yet, nonchalantly put away your instrument. Make the conductor feel he is keeping you from doing something really important.


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## Quaverion (Jul 20, 2004)

Daniel said:


> @Godzilla: HAHA it does make sense   I will translate it:
> @Quaverion: A viola burns longer?


Nope. There is no difference. It's just that violinists' heads are bigger.


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## Harvey (Jul 26, 2004)

> Erste Lage, Notlage, und Niederlage.


I think I get it...violas can't shift anywhere except first position?


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## godzillaviolist (Jan 21, 2005)

*viola position*

There is some truth in that. For most violists, past sixth position is rather difficult due to size ( not for me because I'm big; I'm happy till around eleventh position ). Violins are smaller, and therefor can play higher.


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