# I and my girlfriend is in a relationship for 3 months but she started talking...



## atsizat (Sep 14, 2015)

I and my girlfriend is in a relationship for 3 months but she started talking about marriage. Do you think it is early to talk about that. She says we could marry the next year.

We are in a relationship for 3 months and we broke up 3 times and we became together again so far, which was because of my alcohol consumption but I will hopefully never drink alcohol again.


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## Phil loves classical (Feb 8, 2017)

Personally I think you should give it more time, based on the last sentence about breaking up 3 times.


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## Bulldog (Nov 21, 2013)

From what you wrote, a decision to get married is a bad idea:

1. The drinking situation needs resolution first.
2. Three months doesn't cut it.
3. Your girlfriend's mind-set about getting married is problematic.

Three break-ups in 3 months tells you all you have to know.


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## DaveM (Jun 29, 2015)

Much as we care, a classical music forum is likely not the best place to get the best advice about life-changing decisions.


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## Larkenfield (Jun 5, 2017)

Not to sound insensitive, but why ask mere acquaintances thousands of miles away who have never met either of you?


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## SixFootScowl (Oct 17, 2011)

atsizat said:


> I and my girlfriend is in a relationship for 3 months but she started talking about marriage. Do you think it is early to talk about that. She says we could marry the next year.
> 
> We are in a relationship for 3 months and we broke up 3 times and we became together again so far, which was because of my alcohol consumption but I will hopefully never drink alcohol again.


So presumably you have quit drinking? The big question relative to marriage is whether you will remain free of alcohol or not. If not, the marriage is absolutely out of the question. I think you two should date for a lot longer (perhaps a year) while you give yourself greater distance (time distance that is) from alcohol. Then re-assess the prospect of marriage.

If you hang around with people who drink (or if your girlfriend drinks) it is going to be near impossible stay off of alcohol. You need to be around people who don't drink. Stay away from bars etc.

Even apart from the alcohol question, three months is hardly enough time to really get to know someone and then commit to a lifelong relationship.

There is a lot we don't know about your and your girflriend's situation, so you should seek a wise and trusted person for further advice. Perhaps one of your or her parents? A local pastor/rabbi etc at a religious institution you attend?


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## KenOC (Mar 7, 2011)

Turkey is a predominantly Muslim country, so I suspect drinking is frowned on there more than in Europe or North America. Is that right? If so, it's doubly important for you to kick the habit. Does Turkey have an organization like Alcoholics Anonymous? A mutual self-help organization like that, if it exists, may be valuable.


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## SixFootScowl (Oct 17, 2011)

KenOC said:


> Turkey is a predominantly Muslim country, so I suspect drinking is frowned on there more than in Europe or North America. Is that right? If so, it's doubly important for you to kick the habit. Does Turkey have an organization like Alcoholics Anonymous? A mutual self-help organization like that, if it exists, may be valuable.


Good point. And my recommendation to talk to a pastor or rabbi is probably not going to fly there.


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## atsizat (Sep 14, 2015)

KenOC said:


> Turkey is a predominantly Muslim country, so I suspect drinking is frowned on there more than in Europe or North America. Is that right? If so, it's doubly important for you to kick the habit. Does Turkey have an organization like Alcoholics Anonymous? A mutual self-help organization like that, if it exists, may be valuable.


I found organizations like this on internet. So there seems to be.


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## KenOC (Mar 7, 2011)

atsizat said:


> I found organizations like this on internet. So there seems to be.


Best if you can find a chapter, there, where you live. It's a very personal thing. Look around, ask. Please.


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## atsizat (Sep 14, 2015)

Bulldog said:


> From what you wrote, a decision to get married is a bad idea:
> 
> 1. The drinking situation needs resolution first.
> 2. Three months doesn't cut it.
> ...


I am 28 and she is my first girlfriend in my life. No other woman dated me before. If we break up, I know I will be lonely forever.


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## KenOC (Mar 7, 2011)

Maybe talk to her, ask for her help. Speaking cynically, some women love that! Every woman wants to improve her man.


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## atsizat (Sep 14, 2015)

Fritz Kobus said:


> So presumably you have quit drinking? The big question relative to marriage is whether you will remain free of alcohol or not. If not, the marriage is absolutely out of the question. I think you two should date for a lot longer (perhaps a year) while you give yourself greater distance (time distance that is) from alcohol. Then re-assess the prospect of marriage.
> 
> If you hang around with people who drink (or if your girlfriend drinks) it is going to be near impossible stay off of alcohol. You need to be around people who don't drink. Stay away from bars etc.
> 
> ...


I am actually with people who dont drink. When I drank alcohol, I drank it alone. When I drank, none of my friends would meet me so I would drink alone. They would only meet me when I was sober. I actually hardly drink any more as my girlfriend and I talk to each other everyday on phone. WHen I did it, I tried to do it secretly but she understood it any time I did it. I have fear of losing her so I try not to drink. I actually drank seldomly after I started dating her, which, I think, is an improvement because I used to drink too often before her. But my point of drinking was always the same, to get drunk. She doesn't know how often I used to drink before her.

As for how we met, her mother works in my grandfather's and grandmother's home for very long years so her mother knows me since I was a boy. Her daughter added me on facebook 3 months ago and we started dating.


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## LezLee (Feb 21, 2014)

I would wonder why your girlfriend wants to get married so quickly. Is she a lot older and worried about children? If you talk every day on the phone, it sounds as though you don’t even meet that often. If you’re both really serious about the relationship, if possible you should probably try living together for at least a year before thinking about marriage.
I agree with Larkenfield, a random collection of thousands of people worldwide who know nothing about either of you, are unlikely to be able to help. Also, if you need to ask, you probably already know the answer. Good luck.


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## atsizat (Sep 14, 2015)

LezLee said:


> I would wonder why your girlfriend wants to get married so quickly. Is she a lot older and worried about children? If you talk every day on the phone, it sounds as though you don't even meet that often. If you're both really serious about the relationship, if possible you should probably try living together for at least a year before thinking about marriage.
> I agree with Larkenfield, a random collection of thousands of people worldwide who know nothing about either of you, are unlikely to be able to help. Also, if you need to ask, you probably already know the answer. Good luck.


Try living together before marriage? I am from Turkey. That is out of question before marriage. We also don't have sex because we are not married. Things like that are not normalized in middle east countries.

We meet like once 8-9 days. But we speak on phone everyday and at least 2 times a day.


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## hpowders (Dec 23, 2013)

atsizat said:


> I and my girlfriend is in a relationship for 3 months but she started talking about marriage. Do you think it is early to talk about that. She says we could marry the next year.
> 
> We are in a relationship for 3 months and we broke up 3 times and we became together again so far, which was because of my alcohol consumption but I will hopefully never drink alcohol again.


After only three months? You must be some catch!!! 

Women are the more practical sex. They want to know if there is a serious future. If not they will drop a man and seek out somebody else.

Women have that ticking "biological clock" beyond which it is not safe to bear children. So single women always have that pressure on their minds.

You must make the decision as to whether you want to commit to marriage, and most likely, children, at this point in your life. If not, prepare for a permanent breakup with her.


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## atsizat (Sep 14, 2015)

hpowders said:


> After only three months? You must be some catch!!!
> 
> Women are the more practical sex. They want to know if there is a serious future. If not they will drop a man and seek out somebody else.
> 
> ...


We broke up..... It was hard since she was my first girlfriend in my life but we were arguing a lot.


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## atsizat (Sep 14, 2015)

We became together again. I couldn't count how many times we broke up and became together again. Anyway, I am glad now.


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## SixFootScowl (Oct 17, 2011)

atsizat said:


> We became together again. I couldn't count how many times we broke up and became together again. Anyway, I am glad now.


But how long is it going to last? If you can't get rid of the factor that is causing these repeated break-ups, it is going to be a rough road.


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## Guest (Sep 27, 2018)

These off, on, relationships will never last.


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## Huilunsoittaja (Apr 6, 2010)

By break up, do you mean she says that phrase, or you just get in an argument, don't talk for a few days, but then reconcile? It's pretty dangerous to use "I'm breaking up with you" in order to control an argument. It's like using fire to kill a bug when you just need a paper napkin. You'll do more damage around the spot.


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## CnC Bartok (Jun 5, 2017)

Go for it!

When I die, I want to be able to say "Je ne regrette rien". Don't you?


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## atsizat (Sep 14, 2015)

Huilunsoittaja said:


> By break up, do you mean she says that phrase, or you just get in an argument, don't talk for a few days, but then reconcile? It's pretty dangerous to use "I'm breaking up with you" in order to control an argument. It's like using fire to kill a bug when you just need a paper napkin. You'll do more damage around the spot.


We say "I am breaking up with you''. We name it but the next day or a few days later, we turn back to relationship.


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## atsizat (Sep 14, 2015)

Fritz Kobus said:


> But how long is it going to last? If you can't get rid of the factor that is causing these repeated break-ups, it is going to be a rough road.


I hope for it to last. She is my first gf in my life. I would be real depressed if it didnt last.


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## Couchie (Dec 9, 2010)

I'm gonna give you the hard truth here.

You have severe mental problems you need to address with a psychologist. 

This relationship is doomed. There is no relationship with an addict such as yourself.


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## atsizat (Sep 14, 2015)

Couchie said:


> I'm gonna give you the hard truth here.
> 
> You have severe mental problems you need to address with a psychologist.
> 
> This relationship is doomed. There is no relationship with an addict such as yourself.


So for what reason do you think she think of marrying with me? To divorce and have half of my assets if our relationship is doomed? One of my friends was talking this way about her even if he never met her in real life. I no longer meet him.


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## Ingélou (Feb 10, 2013)

atsizat said:


> So for what reason do you think she think of marrying with me? To divorce and have half of my assets if our relationship is doomed? One of my friends was talking this way about her even if he never met her in real life. I no longer meet him.


It could be that she loves you and is hoping you will change - or that she wants to be married and have a home and children, and hopes you will change.

It is difficult to change, though, and many a divorce has happened because a woman decides, mistakenly, that she can change a man.

It is sound advice to get counselling or psychological or medical help, and not to rush into marriage before you are both mature enough, or because you feel lonely and this is your first girlfriend.

Wishing you all the best. :tiphat:


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## philoctetes (Jun 15, 2017)

atsizat said:


> So for what reason do you think she think of marrying with me? To divorce and have half of my assets if our relationship is doomed? One of my friends was talking this way about her even if he never met her in real life. I no longer meet him.


I don't think it's inappropriate for you to ask the forum about this, but many of us are culturally unqualified to advise you about the "love" factor in this picture.... however, if your assets are significant, but you're a drunken wreck otherwise, maybe you should consider your friend's warning. It's something I have to consider every time I date, because even a little money can attract unwanted attention. Why would you be different?

Generally, people who marry under your circumstances are doomed, whether they feel "love" or not, for reasons others have mentioned. She can't change you and you can't trust her.


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## atsizat (Sep 14, 2015)

Ingélou said:


> It could be that she loves you and is hoping you will change - or that she wants to be married and have a home and children, and hopes you will change.
> 
> It is difficult to change, though, and many a divorce has happened because a woman decides, mistakenly, that she can change a man.
> 
> ...


I can't give up alcohol but at least I dont drink as often as I used to drink before the relationship. I used to get drunk like 3 times a week before. Since we started our relationship, I drank much less often. That's the best I could do. If we break up, I'll be real depressed and won't drink as seldom as I do now.

She doesnt know how often I used to drink before we started dating. I wasted a great deal of money on alcohol because alcohol is very expensive in Turkey. The tax on alcohol is too high in Turkey.


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## SixFootScowl (Oct 17, 2011)

atsizat said:


> *I can't give up alcoho*l but at least I dont drink as often as I used to drink before the relationship. I used to get drunk like 3 times a week before. Since we started our relationship, I drank much less often. That's the best I could do. If we break up, I'll be real depressed and won't drink as seldom as I do now.
> 
> She doesnt know how often I used to drink before we started dating. I wasted a great deal of money on alcohol because alcohol is very expensive in Turkey. The tax on alcohol is too high in Turkey.


Are you sure it isn't a case of "you don't want to give up alcohol"? It is not essential. You will live without it. It will take some adjustment though. With your history of alcohol problems, you are best off leaving it entirely. I don't drink. Haven't for decades. Once upon a time I went on benders (that is drinking binges).


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## Couchie (Dec 9, 2010)

atsizat said:


> I can't give up alcohol but at least I dont drink as often as I used to drink before the relationship. I used to get drunk like 3 times a week before. Since we started our relationship, I drank much less often. That's the best I could do. If we break up, I'll be real depressed and won't drink as seldom as I do now.
> 
> She doesnt know how often I used to drink before we started dating. I wasted a great deal of money on alcohol because alcohol is very expensive in Turkey. The tax on alcohol is too high in Turkey.


Research a bit about what alcohol does to your brain. Thinking like "life is boring without alcohol" is caused by alcohol itself, because over time it desensitizes your brains dopamine system to make life less pleasurable. Hence alcohol itself is the cause of the problems you are trying to solve with alcohol.

The good news is, alcohol hasn't killed you yet, so you absolutely can stop drinking and learn to love life again. See a doctor as there are drugs to help with withdrawl and depression in the meantime.


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## atsizat (Sep 14, 2015)

Couchie said:


> Research a bit about what alcohol does to your brain. Thinking like "life is boring without alcohol" is caused by alcohol itself, because over time it desensitizes your brains dopamine system to make life less pleasurable. Hence alcohol itself is the cause of the problems you are trying to solve with alcohol.
> 
> The good news is, alcohol hasn't killed you yet, so you absolutely can stop drinking and learn to love life again. See a doctor as there are drugs to help with withdrawl and depression in the meantime.


Why would alcohol kill me? I am only 28. Alcohol doesn't kill quickly like illegal sh*ty synthetic drugs.

What is actually bad about alcohol is not what it does to your body physically but what you do when you are drunk.

Alcohol is bad for the second reason mostly. Not the first. For the second reason, I agree that alcohol is bad.

Did you mean the second reason by saying ''Alcohol hasn't killed you yet''?


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## Larkenfield (Jun 5, 2017)

Best wishes or your future happiness despite everything..


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## Highwayman (Jul 16, 2018)

I have two questions before I build-up an argumentation:

1- Is your family secular?
2- Does your girlfriend`s family belong to a lower socio-economical class?

These questions may bewilder our North-American friends but in Mid-East these kind of questions mean a lot. There are plenty of external dynamics influencing a mere relationship within this climate. I`m not sure if the owner of the OP is fully aware of such dynamics. But I also doubt it if he is aware of how great a menace alcohol is. My family has a long history of alcoholism, my grandfather died in his early 50s from alcohol-linked cirrhosis and his younger brother in his 40s. It is true that age of 28 is a little bit early to concern about these but note that not every liver is as durable as that of Metin Akpinar`s and I assume that you wouldn`t want to die in your 40s...


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## atsizat (Sep 14, 2015)

Highwayman said:


> I have two questions before I build-up an argumentation:
> 
> 1- Is your family secular?
> 2- Does your girlfriend`s family belong to a lower socio-economical class?
> ...


My family is from Aegean Region of Turkey while her family is from Southeastern Anatolia Region of Turkey. I think I answered the first question.

As for the second question, yes her family belongs to a lower socio ecomamical class.

My mother died at the age of 46 last year but it was not because of alcohol. My mother had a heart diasese genetically. However, she was drinking alcohol to the point of getting drunk even though she had a heart diasese. She was also fat. Her body mass index was almost 35 ( 35 is considered as the obesity of 2nd degree). She was having a great difficulty going up the stairs before she died, which was because of her heart diasese. She had already had 2 heart attacks before. Half of heart was not working properly after after 2 heart attacks. Her heart stopped one day when she was having a breakfast in the morning. Doctors made her heart work in the hospital but she stayed in coma for 6 days in intensive care. And her heart stopped again 6 days later in intensive care and she died.


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## atsizat (Sep 14, 2015)

Fritz Kobus said:


> Are you sure it isn't a case of "you don't want to give up alcohol"? It is not essential. You will live without it. It will take some adjustment though. With your history of alcohol problems, you are best off leaving it entirely. I don't drink. Haven't for decades. Once upon a time I went on benders (that is drinking binges).


Psychological addiction. Scientists also say that genetic takes role in that.

A friend of mine drinks but he drinks just a little when he does so that he doesn't get drunk. When I drink, I want to get drunk. Otherwise I see no point in drinking. And scientists really say that genetic takes role in that.

A person with that genetic should never start alcohol so that he will never know alcohol.

I also like the nicotine buzz that I get when I wake up in the morning and smoke a cigarette on empty stomach.


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## Highwayman (Jul 16, 2018)

atsizat said:


> My family is from Aegean Region of Turkey while her family is from Southeastern Anatolia Region of Turkey. I think I answered the first question.
> 
> As for the second question, yes her family belongs to a lower socio ecomamical class.
> 
> My mother died at the age of 46 last year but it was not because of alcohol. My mother had a heart diasese genetically. However, she was drinking alcohol to the point of getting drunk even though she had a heart diasese. She was also fat. Her body mass index was almost 35 ( 35 is considered as the obesity of 2nd degree). She was having a great difficulty going up the stairs before she died, which was because of her heart diasese. She had already had 2 heart attacks before. Half of heart was not working properly after after 2 heart attacks. Her heart stopped one day when she was having a breakfast in the morning. Doctors made her heart work in the hospital but she stayed in coma for 6 days in intensive care. And her heart stopped again 6 days later in intensive care and she died.


I`m sorry for your loss. It seems like you have been through a lot lately. Hard-times like this are certainly the worst times to make big decisions like marriage...

You have answered my questions pretty clearly. I assume that you would agree with me on how risky the inter-class relationships can be. Besides, I suppose that you are aware of certain infamous stereotypes of Turkish women. Of course I`m not accusing anyone but you must consider every possibility before such a decision. Even if she is not like those stereotypes and is a suitable wife candidate, her -presumably- conventional family is a big handicap. You don`t need to rush for anything you are still very young and you know that Aegean Region is the capital of beautiful girls


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