# Some Great Classical Music Jokes



## superhorn (Mar 23, 2010)

What's the difference between an operatic diva and a Pit Bull? Jewelry.

What's the difference between an operatic diva and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.

What's the difference between a viola and an onion? Nobody cries when you cut up a viola.

What's the difference between a viola and Mike Tyson? Tyson is easier on your ear .

What's the difference between French hornist and a Scud missile?
A Scud missile is more accurate.

What the difference between an orchestra and a bull? An orchestra has the horns in the rear and the *** up front.

What's the longest viola joke? Harold In Italy !

What's the difference between a conductor and God? God doesn't think he's a conductor.

Why aren't orchestra intermissions longer? Because it would take too long to retrain the percussionists.

What do you cal 500 conductors at the bottom of the ocean? A good start.

The phone is baroque. Call me Bach in a while.

Why don't they know where Mozart is buried? Because he's Haydn.

What would you call Bach if he were reincarnated as twins? A pair of Re-Bachs.

Arold Schwarzenegger recently turned down an offer to star in a movie about Beethoven.
He replied-"I'll be Bach ".

What was Beethoven doing after he died? Decomposing.



:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:


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## Fsharpmajor (Dec 14, 2008)

There are a bunch more here, but be warned--some of them are ribald:

*http://www.astro.umd.edu/~avondale/extra/Humor/MusicHumor/Jokes.html*

Maybe somebody who plays in an orchestra could clue me in on why there are so many about viola players.


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## SonataSonataSonata (Sep 14, 2010)

Fsharpmajor said:


> Maybe somebody who plays in an orchestra could clue me in on why there are so many about viola players.


Because it takes a certain personality type to want to play viola. And in the 7 orchestras I have played in as an adult, the stereotype has never let me down. :lol:


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## Fsharpmajor (Dec 14, 2008)

Here's two sets of them:

*http://www.segall.com/viola.html*

*http://www.petelevin.com/violajokes.htm*

They seem to be the classical equivalent of rock drummer jokes.


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## Edward Elgar (Mar 22, 2006)

Most of these jokes rely on making out that some instruments/musicians have little worth.

If I hear "because the drummer is retarded" or "a cello burns longer" or "the conductor has a bigger ego" or "a nuclear warhead is easier on the ears than an oboe" I'm going to scream!

The first couple of gags were funny when I first heard them, but you can only go so far in slagging instruments/musicians off.


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## superhorn (Mar 23, 2010)

Lighten up,Sir Edward. It's all in good fun. Almost everybody likes to poke fun at everything.


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## superhorn (Mar 23, 2010)

Here's a longer one. A fellow goes into a pet shop and notices three parrots for sale. 
But the prices are exorbitant. One goes for $10,000, another for $15,000 and the third for an unbelievable $30,000.
Puzzled, the guy asks the manager why the parrots are so expensive. He replies"Well,these are very special parrots with incredible talent for classical music". "Wow,says the guy"."What can they do?" 
"Well,the first one has an incredibly beautiful soprano voice and can sing every aria written by Mozart from memory flawlessly". "Holy cow! No kidding." 
"And the second?" "WEll this parrot is a Wagernian singer and can sing Wagner's entire Ring flawlessly". "Unbelievable!" And what about the third one?" 
"Well, we don't really know waht it can do, but the other two call him maestro!"



:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:


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## Huilunsoittaja (Apr 6, 2010)

How about a real fact:

If you're a professional oboist, you have automatically taken 10 years off your like expectancy. Guess why.


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## ChopinBlock (Aug 10, 2010)

why???????


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## Huilunsoittaja (Apr 6, 2010)

To play the oboe, the player builds up a lot of pressure in their head behind the reed. Over time, this causes high blood pressure, and risk for heart attack, stroke, etc. I know, I just found that out recently! 

And as I thought about it more, isn't it also relevant to brass instruments, like trumpet? I mean, they have just as much pressure behind their mouth piece.


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## HarpsichordConcerto (Jan 1, 2010)

superhorn said:


> What's the difference between an operatic diva and a Pit Bull? Jewelry.
> 
> What's the difference between an operatic diva and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.
> 
> ...


superhorn, your jokes are utterly appalling. I simply can't *Handel* them.


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## Ravellian (Aug 17, 2009)

I bet he doesn't give a Schutz if you don't like his jokes.


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## Argus (Oct 16, 2009)

Huilunsoittaja said:


> And as I thought about it more, isn't it also relevant to brass instruments, like trumpet? I mean, they have just as much pressure behind their mouth piece.


What pressure?


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## Aramis (Mar 1, 2009)




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## ChopinBlock (Aug 10, 2010)

Huilunsoittaja said:


> To play the oboe, the player builds up a lot of pressure in their head behind the reed. Over time, this causes high blood pressure, and risk for heart attack, stroke, etc. I know, I just found that out recently!
> 
> And as I thought about it more, isn't it also relevant to brass instruments, like trumpet? I mean, they have just as much pressure behind their mouth piece.


I think you need to work on your delivery...


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## superhorn (Mar 23, 2010)

What makes it difficult for brass players is the constant pressure of the mouthpiece on the lips.I know,because I used to be a freelance French hornist.
It's particularly true of the high notes.The higher the note,the more lip pressure is required, and the lips become tender and sore after a long rehearsal or performance. The more high register notes you have to play, the more tired your lips get. Playing the lowest notes can help relax the lip.


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## elgar's ghost (Aug 8, 2010)

These aren't so much jokes as bon mots but I liked them anyway:

'A musical Malcolm Sargent' (Thomas Beecham on Karajan)

' I haven't heard much ________ but I've certainly trod in quite a lot of it' (Beecham again? If so I can't remember who he was referring to)

'What do you think of Stainer's 'Crucifixion'? 'I'm all in favour of it...'

'More corn than gold...' (a critic's response to Korngold's Violin Concerto - a bit harsh, surely?!)

'...moves with all the pace of an arthritic snail...' (a critic on Haydn's oratorio 'Il Ritorno di Tobia')


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## Chris (Jun 1, 2010)

elgar's ghost said:


> ' I haven't heard much ________ but I've certainly trod in quite a lot of it' (Beecham again? If so I can't remember who he was referring to)


It was Beecham and I believe he was referring to Schoenberg


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## superhorn (Mar 23, 2010)

I've always heard that Beecham was referring to Stockhausen,whose music is much weirder than Schoenberg's.


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## Huilunsoittaja (Apr 6, 2010)

I got one! An original!

What's an eagle's favorite composer?









SCRYAH! - bin.


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## myaskovsky2002 (Oct 3, 2010)

*I like this site!*

Your jokes are so funny!

SuperHorn, keep going the parrots are hilarious! I'll buy the 2nd one...

I love Wagner (BTW...male voice or female voice?)

Martin


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## Jacob Singer (Jan 7, 2011)

*my 100th post on TC*

...

Poor Scherbert… he died so young and with so much potential. Now, he's only known for his unfinished frozen desserts.

...

Who the hell is this W.C. guy I keep hearing so much about? I can't find his music anywhere.

...

Upon discovery of Tchaikovsky's body, his nephew exclaimed, "Oh, tshit!"

...

After playing Mendelssohn's String Quartet No. 6 for a colleague at my university, he responded, "That's some of the best Brahms I've ever heard."

...

After being told that his _Große Fuge_ sounded terrible, Beethoven responded, "It sounds fine to me."

...

It is said that Tchaikovsky was influenced by Mozart, and that he was especially interested in his _Magic Flute_.

...

After hearing Tchaikovsky's _The Nutcracker_, Balakirev responded, "It's quite lively in a merry, flamboyant sort of way… not that there's anything wrong with that."

...

Senator Matheson: "Do you like Bach, Mulder?"

Mulder: "I live for Bach."

...

When asked why I don't listen to much Mozart, and why I never listen to Wagner, I responded, "I'm not really into light classical."

Seriously, that's not a joke. I just thought I should mention it.


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## emiellucifuge (May 26, 2009)

Jacob Singer said:


> ...
> 
> Who the hell is this W.C. guy I keep hearing so much about? I can't find his music anywhere.


I dont get it 



> After being told that his _Große Fuge_ sounded terrible, Beethoven responded, "It sounds fine to me."


lol :lol:



> Senator Matheson: "Do you like Bach, Mulder?"
> 
> Mulder: "I live for Bach."


I dont get it 



> When asked why I don't listen to much Mozart, and why I never listen to Wagner, I responded, "I'm not really into light classical."
> 
> Seriously, that's not a joke. I just thought I should mention it.


oh dear


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## science (Oct 14, 2010)

All good ones. 

(Dubba you see... debba you see....)


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## Almaviva (Aug 13, 2010)

Chris said:


> It was Beecham and I believe he was referring to Schoenberg


He was referring to Stockhausen. The right quote is - Have you conducted much Stockhausen? No, but I've stepped in some.


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## Almaviva (Aug 13, 2010)

There's the famous Beecham quote about a female Cello player that he didn't like: "Madam, you have between your legs an instrument that is capable of giving pleasure to thousands, but all you can do is scratch it."


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## Igneous01 (Jan 27, 2011)

Jacob Singer said:


> ...
> 
> After playing Mendelssohn's String Quartet No. 6 for a colleague at my university, he responded, "That's some of the best Brahms I've ever heard."
> 
> ...


these are the best that ive heard, nothing like poking at Tchaikovsky sexuality in a good joke ^^


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## aphyrodite (Jan 9, 2012)

I feel bad for Viola players when I laugh at all those Viola jokes. I never thought they'd be stereotyped that way. Though I still think it's an interesting instrument, no doubt.


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## Dimboukas (Oct 12, 2011)

Bad Bach


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## AndyS (Dec 2, 2011)

Almaviva said:


> There's the famous Beecham quote about a female Cello player that he didn't like: "Madam, you have between your legs an instrument that is capable of giving pleasure to thousands, but all you can do is scratch it."


:lol:

I liked some of Birgit Nilsson's ones - like when she was asked what the requirements are for a good Isolde and she replied 'a comfortable pair of shoes' or when she was filling in her taxes and asked if she had any dependents and replied ' Just one - Rudolph Bing'


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