# Don't Ask Me Why: Chapter 26, Part I



## Huilunsoittaja (Apr 6, 2010)

The night of the choral concert, Tanya planned out her outfit to the smallest detail: her red stilettos would not be appropriate, but her black satin shoes would do just well. A dark purple blazer, black skirt and stockings were a start, then silver earrings and her hair up in a bun. She looked absolutely professional, besides beautiful. She knew she had to be perfect, just as the performance would be perfect.
She never second-guessed why she was really doing this. It had all become instinct.
Tanya looked with dread at her engagement ring. As beautiful as it was, it represented her cage, and she knew everyone would see it glisten in the stage lights. She planned to hide the diamond by flipping it palmwards for the occasion.
Tanya did no other part in the concert except this one project. She had written up program notes and sent them to Marie to put in the program, first a little bit about the composer, and then about the pieces themselves.
The Vocal Quartets, op. 57 was comprised of three enchanting poems of unknown authorage: Serenade, to the Dying Star, and the Hot Spring. Tanya painstakingly translated the Russian into English, since the lyrics were too obscure to find elsewhere.
It would be the greatest moment of Tanya's conducting career.


Marie was sitting in the audience of the choral concert, when Tanya came next to her.
"I'm in the second half of the concert, so I'll just sit with you until then," Tanya smiled.
"You nervous?"
"... A little."
"Where's Marcus?"
"Oh, I think he's coming," Tanya frowned. "He should... Ernest is coming after all."
"Where is he?" Marie suddenly sat up and looked around.
"Not here yet. But he will be."
"Good.. but we have a lovely program tonight, and I think your piece will be one of the best, Tanya!"
"Aw, thanks. Especially since Alex will be here," Tanya smirked.
Marie sighed. "Is he good?"
"He is exceptional."
Marie sat back in her chair, smiling to herself. Just then, Ernest came and sat in a section to the side of them, alone. Tanya, however, wanted to address him.
"Dress rehearsal was really good today, wasn't it?" Tanya called across the aisle.
"It was. How are you feeling about your own performance, tonight?"
"Will be... magical," Tanya grinned. "Three gems, they are! You just wait."
"I have no doubts," he smiled lightly.
Tanya turned around and sighed, and brought her focus on the concert now beginning. As usual, Dr. Johnson came on stage, and led the two large choirs in some pretty weighty choral masterpieces.
"Where is Marcus?" Marie asked again at intermission. This time, Tanya was irritated to hear his name.
"How should I know? No doubt wasting his time on that composition again!" she said bitterly. "It be better if he didn't come!"
"Oh, don't say that, Tanya," Marie frowned.
"But I do!" Tanya got up immediately, and headed towards a side entrance. Confused and flustered, Marie remained where she was.
"What's wrong with her?" Marie heard Ernest address her from across the aisle. She stared at him for a moment, but gained composure.
"She's having a rough time right now about... something."
"What, may I ask?"
"I don't think it proper to tell."
"I see," he said no further, although Marie knew he was watching her.
A few minutes later, it was the presentation of the conducting projects of the choral conductors, all with the participation of the Chamber choir. Leah, the first year Masters student, did a short, lively Renaissance piece. David had his Masters Project, which was selections from Brahms' Suite of Folk Songs for choir and piano. He did six of the twelve songs. It all turned out splendidly, and the audience gave their ready support of these young students.


During all of this, Tanya paced backstage, her baton in hand. She was going to conduct from memory, which she felt very capable of doing. The songs haunted her dreams so that she could sing them completely in her sleep. Repeating the words to herself over and over, it felt like a mantra. Tanya's hands shook, and she breathed quickly.
"It will all end," she thought to herself.
Alex was there too, tuning his cello softly. He gave a smile to Tanya as she paced by him.
"You're so calm," she commented in a whisper.
"Yes, I tend to be," he whispered back.
"How?"
"Two P's: Preparation and Prayer."
Tanya smiled, but then frowned again and sighed.
"If only I could be like you..."
Alex looked up from his cello with a sympathetic look. "To be calm?"
"... and more..." Tanya said no more, and instead walked toward the stage entrance to wait.
Finally it was their turn. Tanya came on stage, Alex following behind. They both bowed, and took their places, Alex sitting to the left of the conductor podium.



Alex could see Tanya's face very clearly as she bent her head down to concentrate for a moment. He wondered what was on her mind. Then she lifted her hands, made eye contact with him, and the piece began.
Alex was enamored by this piece, and gave his heart into it as he always does. But he couldn't help noticing the strange look on Tanya's face. She seemed to be speaking to the singers, not just guiding them. She had such a calm, but almost dazed face that it seemed she wasn't there anymore. Tanya wasn't in the room, only her body was.
But where was she? Alex could only wonder.


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