# Don't Ask Me Why: Chapter 24



## Huilunsoittaja (Apr 6, 2010)

It was late March when Tanya began to have the nightmares.

It was a recurring dream, but something always changed. In the dream, Marcus was trying to kill her, usually with a knife, and either Marie, Ernest, or someone else was there, trying to save her. It was extremely disturbing, and she slept fitfully the more it happened. Whenever Ernest was in the dream, she felt completely relaxed, and she tried to embrace him each time. But he would fade away before she could even touch him, leaving an empty void feeling inside her. Ernest had begun to fill her dreams more and more often.

And that music.

Marcus' composition played in her mind, day in and day out. The words were in Russian of course, but they struck her as an otherworldly language. It was beautiful, captivating in real life, but when she had dreams, that music became nightmarish, horrid. Marcus, who was always trying to kill her, didn't always appear to be Marcus, because it was only a dark figure although she assumed it was him. It was just a figment of her imagination.

"It's a sign that we need to part. At the end of the semester, we will, we will..." she told herself over and over. But she didn't know how this was going to happen.

They had already set their wedding to July.

Tanya's horrible thoughts only found solace in the music that she sang and conducted. It was her only relief from constant anxiety and stress. She wanted nothing more than to stop thinking about the things that were driving her to her wits' end.

The combination of anxiety and passion produced a nearly inhuman level of ambition and perfectionism in Tanya.

Rehearsals of the Vocal Quartet were going along splendidly, but Tanya had become more critical than she ever was before.

"How many times do I have to tell you, keep the consonants short! Too thick sna- and shta- will completely cover up the harmonic progressions!" she often demonstrated with her own voice how the pronunciation was to sound like, which had become her greatest skill in coaching. It was all an aim towards complete domination over the music itself, a conquest of beauty. Tanya felt she was accomplishing this rather well.

Conversely, the rehearsals with Marcus' composition were what nearly drove Tanya insane. She worked as far as her voice could handle in her own practice time to get her voice to be just perfect. She threw her entire spirit into it, no matter it was only a rehearsal. It was only to draw Ernest's attention. The rehearsals were only 30-40 minutes two times a week, but they were intensive.

Marcus came to these rehearsals, giving his own criticism of Tanya.

"Sounds like you're trying to be a diva, Tanya," he smirked. "Try to give Ernest a bit of lee-way, won't you? You can't be diverting every single phrase, making him bow to you." Many laughed at his comment.

"I know, I'm sorry Marcus, it's just my own conducting personality showing," she grinned, winking at Ernest.

"Well, I think you should get as much freedom as you want, it's up to these players to understand what you're doing, as long as it's consistent," Ernest interjected his thoughts.

"Thank you, Ernest, I knew I can trust your own judgment on this," she smiled again. She bantered with Marcus any time she could, to prove herself in the right.

Ernest had of late seemed a bit despondent, so Tanya tried everything she could to cheer him up, jokes and compliments included. Tanya tried to talk to him after nearly every rehearsal.

"Isn't it a beautiful piece?" she inquired dreamily.

"It is... you are a very talented singer to make it come so alive," Ernest would pack up his belongings in the back of the room, but without looking at her.

"Thank you, Ernest, and you are a very talented conductor. I commend you for your work."

"If only someone else did too..." he muttered.

"Who? Marcus?"

"No..." he would never tell.

"Well, you may never be able to get the approval of everyone you want, that's not how life works."

"You can say that again," he rolled his eyes.

"No, I mean it... it's the same here," Tanya added softly, and tried to look in his eyes.

Ernest only could look blankly at her and step away.

Tanya didn't often stay to audit the rest of the orchestra rehearsal because she was so busy. But whenever she did, she sat as close to Ernest as possible, in order to make a comment here or there to him. He seemed mostly oblivious of her, engrossed in his own gloomy thoughts.

Tanya hadn't known about what happened to him because Marie never told her, but she could suspect what was on his mind. All the better chance to take advantage of him.



Marie was absolutely paranoid of the music building now. She darted into her office from the outside, and avoided leaving the whole day. She was terrified of the idea of meeting Ernest anywhere, and even avoided box office work as much as possible, getting students to do the shifts instead. And yet this sabotaged any chance of seeing Alex again. Torn apart, she sat gloomily in her office, working on her programs and ticket orders instead.

Marie got a surprise visit from Tanya one late afternoon.

"Marie...?" Tanya leaned over the box office ledge and looked inside to the inner hallway, where Marie's office attached. Marie opened her door.

"Tanya! What's up?"

Tanya looked unusually gaunt, so Marie thought, and paler than before. She went around to the door into the office space, and Marie let her him.

"Hey, it's just I haven't been able to catch up with you is all, so busy, you know," Tanya smiled lightly.

"I know, seems like everyone is suffering the Spring craze. I'm guessing it's not getting better, is it?"

"No," Tanya shook her head. "Even so, I want to go out with you tonight, to chat and all, you know."

"Oh sure! You want to go now?"

"Only if you're able."

"I am! Let's go..."

They drove in separate cars again to their favorite place for dinner. This time, Marie could order alcohol, so she and Tanya both got a drink afterwards at the bar.

"So, you wanted to talk?" Marie started.

"Yeah... I've been troubled lately, by various things..."

"Like what?"

"Marcus... he's been acting strange..."

Marie frowned. "How so?"

Tanya bent closer to her. "I think he's going insane."

"Insane?"

"Yes! He's become obsessed with some new composition of his, and he won't even tell me what it is. I've watched him... he's not eating or sleeping properly, he sometimes talks gibberish to me. Just last week he was trying to have a normal conversation with me, when suddenly he stands up and walks into his study, without another word to me! It's like he's possessed..." that word struck Tanya as odd, and she fell silent.

"Possessed... that doesn't sound good," Marie furrowed her brow.

"He's so obsessed with this composition that he has to write it down the moment it pops into his head! I'm beginning to wonder where he's getting this inspiration from. Must be insane voices in his head."

"Or worse," Marie said under her breath.

"It all broke down a lot more last night though," Tanya's voice turned even more grave than before. "When he wasn't there, I tried to go in, and look at this piece that he wrote. It turns out to be a full-fledged symphony, extremely complex. I tried to read through the score, but it was so dissonant that my brain couldn't understand it. I knew then that this was something that he would have thought I disapproved of. Well, it was a bad time to snoop around, because he found me in there, and yelled at me to get out. I asked him why he felt like he had anything to hide, but he would hear none of it! I haven't seen him that mad in a long time... I'm afraid to go back there."

Marie put her arm around Tanya's shoulder. She could feel Tanya shivering slightly.

"I must go back tonight though," Tanya took a long sip from her drink, and sighed.

"I'm not sure how to help you," Marie replied sorrowfully. "I'll pray for you."

"Pray for me?" Tanya squinted her eyes. "I doubt that will change anything."

Marie thought for a moment. "You may be right. But I will anyhow... do you still love Marcus?"

Tanya looked at Marie in the face. It was a pained expression.

"I don't think so anymore..."

Marie hugged Tanya, who now seemed on the verge of crying. But Tanya took a deep breath to calm herself down.

"I'll get through it, Marie, trust me," she forced a smiled. "Anyhow, I've wanted to ask how you've been, I'm done talking about myself."

"Something did happen the other week," Marie began hesitantly. "But I don't know if I want to talk about it..."

"Something to do with Ernest?" Tanya was all ears.

"Yes... but really..." Marie shook her head and took a sip from her drink. "I just feel horrible about it all now. I don't know what's wrong with me for not liking him, is all," her voice shrank smaller and smaller.

"Nothing's wrong with being yourself, Marie," Tanya tried to sooth her. "Be yourself, listen to yourself. Keep holding on."

Marie smiled lightly. "At least you understand. I feel like I have no one to talk to about it."

"I know... because I think I've experiencing a similar situation right now," Tanya caught herself say, but immediately regretted it.

"You mean with Marcus? So you want someone else?"

"I didn't say that," Tanya said quickly, with an edge. "But yes... I don't feel attached to Marcus very much anymore... and it's his fault!" she suddenly raised her voice. "Oh, God..." she moaned and put her face in his hands.

Marie shrugged her shoulders and remained silent.

There was nothing more to be said.


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