# Anton: Chapter 21



## Huilunsoittaja (Apr 6, 2010)

Although Anton and Katerina had met only a handful of time in the past 8 years, suddenly they started running into each other more. She had started going to all his new music premieres, and even some of his choral concerts. Her husband was no where to be found on these occasions, but she didn't always approach Anton either: she would watch only in silence.
Finally, at a premiere of Anton's orchestral variations on a theme by Piotr Ilyich, Katerina came again.
"How is life, Anton Stepanovich?" she asked him.
"I wish I could say fine," Anton muttered. They were still in the concert hall, but he reached out for her hand to hold it for a moment.
"I've hoped you fared well these years. But you look ill."
"I am. In spirit. I can't forget you. Although I haven't seen you much, I still know your face. From my dreams."
"I've dreamed of you too."
"You have?"
"Yes."
"Am I happy in your dreams?"
"Yes."
Anton frowned. They were walking away together, and stepped out of the concert hall. It was no use going away privately, so instead used the crowd to hide.
"I'm not happy without you, Katya," using her pet name.
"But am I not in front of you now?"
"But you're not mine," he whispered desperately.
"But I've filed for divorce with my husband."
Anton looked up at her in shock.
"You... you did?"
"Yes, but it hasn't been approved yet."
"What grounds?"
"Neglect of me."
Anton grimaced. "That won't be enough. Ach!" he shook his head.
"I know," Katerina frowned. "I hate this whole thing... I hate life!" she suddenly exclaimed.
"But wait," Anton grabbed her shoulders lightly. "Do you remember what I had said some years ago, that wonderful night we knew together?"
She nodded, on the verge of tears.
"Don't give up on our dream," she said.
"Because it will come true. I know it will," he stared her gravely in the eyes. "Just... hold on."
They left there.

Anton and Katerina began giving letters to each other, under penned names, to speak of what was happening. The divorce file was not approved, and instead Katerina's husband became very angry that she ever tried, but he didn't change. He was still as cold as ever.
Anton was furious. What kind of man was this, who would torture his wife like that? He almost wanted to confront him, since by now he had every right to take Katerina away from him. Sometimes he wondered if he should have just taken her away when he had the chance. But he was a man of honor, and knew it would ruin his relations with almost everyone. It would have to be done right.
Anton was religious of a certain kind, although he believed many wrong ideas. Nonetheless, he considered himself spiritual and a respecter of God and his Law. That is, if God would let him get what he wanted.
It was in the same year after Piotr Ilyich died that Anton got a message from one of the last of the Mighty Handful, Mily Alexeyevich. He was being asked to take a position in St. Petersburg: conductor of the Imperial Chapel Choir. This was a huge honor given to him, and something he had wondered if he would ever get at chance. In truth, it was his "second" dream.
But Anton was uneasy. It would mean parting with Katerina by distance. He gave her the news.
She sent a letter back to him:
Dearest Anton,
I understand how you feel about taking this conducting position. But if we remain in contact with letters I think it will be fine. But I've been concerned with something else of late. I feel I have held you back, and I am sorry. I think I need to submit to my fate now, and let you go. We need to live again, not just dream. You may find someone you are meant to be with in St. Petersburg. But I hope we can still remain in touch.
I embrace you,
Katerina Karlovna

"What?!" Anton stared at this message. "Is she rejecting me!? After everything!!"
Again he felt he was going to go into hysterics, but he caught himself.
"I can't go through this again," he said to himself. "I'm overreacting. She hasn't stopped loving me. She's just set me free... to claim her again! When I return, I will take her! I won't be there long. Then we will be ready. Ready for anything."
That things would change just over a few years for his better, he never thought to rethink.
Anton said farewell to the Moscow Conservatory position he had, which he had for 12 years nearly. It wouldn't be a permanent parting however, and although he moved to St. Petersburg, and came to Moscow many times a year to see Sergei Ivanovich.
Suddenly, Anton found himself having a huge amount of time on his hands. His official duties were what they were, but because there was no more teaching, he could spend a huge amount of time composing. Thus, he delved into vocal music like he hadn't before. In his term, nearly everything he composed was vocal or for piano.
A quite awkward thing happened to him very quickly into his new position.
After his rehearsals with the group, he couldn't help noticing one young woman watching him. At first, she was only watching him, but then she began speaking to him.
"Hello, maestro," she said one day to him as he was packing away his score. She smiled brightly.
This young woman had blonde hair and blue eyes and was rather petite, but she was one of the top sopranos in the choir. She seemed a little naive to Anton.
"Hello, Miss. What is your name?" he asked politely.
"My name is Anastasia Ilyicha. How are you?"
Anton watched her carefully. "I am fine. You?"
"Oh, just great! So you have a great passion for choral music?"
"I do."
"So do I."
"I don't doubt it."
"Ah, well, until our next rehearsal, good-bye," she gave him a thin, even sinister smile, and walked away.
This woman may have been in her later 20s, and obviously by her demeanor was unmarried. She cajoled him into talking more and more each time. Finally, Anton had enough, and thought to say to her something clever.
"Hello!" she said again another time. She waited for everyone to leave the rehearsal room first.
"Hello, Anastasia! Have you enjoyed today's rehearsal?"
"I did, and you are such a remarkable composer, not to mention conductor! Just how do you do it?"
"Oh, you know... a musician's life is a hard one. We work hard at what we do, and I've done many things in my time. Hence why I haven't married."
"Oh?" her eyes perked up.
"Foolish girl," he thought to himself.
"Yes, my life can only be complete with... the most intimate connection with music."
"Oh," the light went away in her eyes.
"And besides, dearest Anastasia," his own eyes glittering, "To become a great musician such as I, one has to make... hehehe great sacrifices!" He burst out laughing.
"How?" she spoke nervously.
"Take this here," he pulled out a vodka bottle from his bag, "I drink about this much before rehearsal, just to get me in the right mood," he put his finger at a halfway mark. Poor Anastasia went pale, and he began laughing again.
"Don't be upset, Anastasia. Look at it this way: to love anything truly, as one must with music, you must live in a dream. We all live in a dream, you know, but most don't believe it. They keep going on as if life here is all that there is. But reality is a dream, and what we imagine are dreams is actually reality. That's what I always say. And why not live a dream? You're always more happy that way. I think." He suddenly became grave, lost in thought.
Anastasia stared at him like he was a madman. Perhaps Anton wasn't faking. Perhaps he really was.
"Anyway, good-bye!" he turned his back on her, and went out the door.
Anastasia left the choir soon after that. Anton hoped he hadn't scared her too much, but what did it matter? Perhaps she was only there to find a man anyway.
Time passed...


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