# Those of you who are (happily) married ...



## BrahmsWasAGreatMelodist (Jan 13, 2019)

What was your relationship with your spouse like at the beginning? Was it love at first sight? Did you know each other for a while before you started dating? Was it always smooth sailing, or did it have rough patches that you managed to mend?


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## Bulldog (Nov 21, 2013)

I was intoxicated with my wife when I first met her; she was only interested. However, my magic ways won the day. 

No, it's always been smooth sailing.


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## Art Rock (Nov 28, 2009)

We met as artist and customer in her gallery in Singapore (she's from Shanghai, I'm Dutch, we were both working in Singapore at the time). I dropped in regularly during the next few weeks, bought a couple of paintings, and eventually asked her out on a date. That went well, and after a few weeks dating, we both decided this was the real thing. Got engaged almost five months after we first met, and we married six months later. We've been together for over 21 years now. We only went through one rough patch, when in 2008 (we'd been living in Europe since 2002) she was frustrated by lack of progress in her career as artist, and decided to move back to Shanghai for periods of upto six months a year. It did kickstart her career there, and as hard as the lengthy separations were on both of us, it was probably the best decision, since depression was a likely alternative. In 2011 we made the decision that in April 2012 I'd take early retirement, and that we would open our own art gallery, which has been a brilliant move.


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## Totenfeier (Mar 11, 2016)

Mrs. T and I were a New Year's Eve blind date. Instant click (our other friend couples were either fighting that night, or broke up soon after). We talked as if we had already trusted each other intimately for years. Confessed our mutual love in March; I gave myself a birthday present by proposing on my 30th birthday in June (but apparently did it in such a roundabout way that she swears she thought I was going to break up with her; when we sat down to a picnic lunch, I really had no idea that I was going to propose right then). We got married on December 22 of that year. 30 years in now. We've had our fair share of knock-down drag-outs, but we just can't give each other up.


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## SanAntone (May 10, 2020)

We met at a comedy club in NYC, 1980; got a loft together in 1981; married in 1985. There has been only one "rough patch", circa 1994 - but our marriage survived and we are enjoying probably the best years of our life now. 

It's the world around us that is falling apart.


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## BrahmsWasAGreatMelodist (Jan 13, 2019)

Thanks for the responses all. If I may add:

Would you consider your spouse one of your best friends?


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## Art Rock (Nov 28, 2009)

BrahmsWasAGreatMelodist said:


> Thanks for the responses all. If I may add:
> 
> Would you consider your spouse one of your best friends?


My best friend, period.


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## Ingélou (Feb 10, 2013)

*We didn't quite fall in love at first sight, but it happened quickly: we got engaged three weeks after we met at a Taizé-inspired student summer holiday camp. We were married four months later, giving me time to be instructed and baptised into the Catholic church.

We have a lot in common besides our faith - we're both graduate teachers with a love of books, folk music, dancing, word-games, animals and history - and our temperaments are also fairly similar, with sudden enthusiasms and emotional intensity. We're 'all or nothing' characters. This means that most of the time we are profoundly happy and companionable, but there are also terrible rows, which sometimes accumulate in 'bad patches'.

The rows are so intense because we come from different cultural backgrounds - he's Glasgow-Irish & a cradle-Catholic, and I come from an Anglo-Scottish protestant background.

But after forty-six years of marriage, I'm still mad about the boy. *


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## Manxfeeder (Oct 19, 2010)

BrahmsWasAGreatMelodist said:


> What was your relationship with your spouse like at the beginning? Was it love at first sight? Did you know each other for a while before you started dating? Was it always smooth sailing, or did it have rough patches that you managed to mend?


My wife was someone I felt a connection with the first time I talked to her. We were both in the same church, so I knew her and her family. We are both committed Christians, so we have the same outlook and goals, and that has kept us out of rough patches.

And I do consider her my best friend. I can tell her anything, and she knows she can tell me anything. I don't know anyone else I can be that honest with.


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## Manxfeeder (Oct 19, 2010)

Ingélou said:


> *
> 
> But after forty-six years of marriage, I'm still mad about the boy. *


Wonderful! I'm only at 39 years, but I'm still absolutely nuts about my wife.


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## BrahmsWasAGreatMelodist (Jan 13, 2019)

Art Rock said:


> My best friend, period.


That's beautiful...


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## En Passant (Aug 1, 2020)

My Wife passed away but our relationship did not have any real issues. She used to say “She knew I wanted to marry her I just didn’t know it”. I admit I was a bit of a rogue and as she was the most beautiful, most desirable girl at Uni; I had to go out with her. First date was magic and soon I’d find out she was right. We were married within six months and were happily married with several children until she passed. We had never really fought, serious arguments were out of stubbornness (both of us) and we’re resolved before bed.

I am blessed to have found love again, when I thought it impossible. We will get married eventually we’re just waiting for the right time. I will admit the dynamic is different having a substantially younger partner but again no issues. All my best relationships have been with musically inclined people (romantic/platonic) is this true for others here?


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## CnC Bartok (Jun 5, 2017)

BrahmsWasAGreatMelodist said:


> Thanks for the responses all. If I may add:
> 
> Would you consider your spouse one of your best friends?


Of course, although the "one of" bit is redundant! Married 25 years and three weeks now, if we didn't enjoy each other's company....?


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## SixFootScowl (Oct 17, 2011)

Married six months after we first met. It has had its challenges, but overall has been very good. Just had our 31st anniversary.


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## En Passant (Aug 1, 2020)

SixFootScowl said:


> Married six months after we first met. It has had its challenges, but overall has been very good. Just had our 31st anniversary.


Congratulations friend here's to 31 more.


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## Art Rock (Nov 28, 2009)

En Passant said:


> All my best relationships have been with musically inclined people (romantic/platonic) is this true for others here?


For me, yes. My wife is keen on music (although she prefers the likes of Pink Floyd, Tori Amos, David Sylvian and Kate Bush over classical music - but these are also among my favourite pop/rock artists, so it's all good). My best friends share my love for prog and art pop/rock, and we have managed to introduce each other to many rare gems. IRL I do not have someone that shares my love for classical music though. Then again, that's why I hang out here a lot.


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## En Passant (Aug 1, 2020)

Art Rock said:


> For me, yes. My wife is keen on music (although she prefers the likes of Pink Floyd, Tori Amos, David Sylvian and Kate Bush over classical music - but these are also among my favourite pop/rock artists, so it's all good). My best friends share my love for prog and art pop/rock, and we have managed to introduce each other to many rare gems. IRL I do not have someone that shares my love for classical music though. Then again, that's why I hang out here a lot.


I don't want to highjack the thread (sorry OP) but I don't think it has to be the same genre of music although it certainly helps. My first Wife and I both love Classical music. However she introduced me to Jazz and I intruded her to Folk music and chess. Musical minds just work differently some overlap with Mathematical brains.


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## Barbebleu (May 17, 2015)

I want to thank my wife for five wonderful years of marriage. Out of the fifty we’ve been married that’s not bad. :lol: If she reads this then I’ll be “dead man walking”.


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## SixFootScowl (Oct 17, 2011)

En Passant said:


> Congratulations friend here's to 31 more.


I'll take it! Won't even put me to the century mark! 

Have a man at our church who is 95 and still happily married.


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## SixFootScowl (Oct 17, 2011)

Barbebleu said:


> I want to thank my wife for *five wonderful years of marriage*. Out of the fifty we've been married that's not bad. :lol: If she reads this then I'll be "dead man walking".


Which 5 years? The cumulative total time you were out golfing with the guys over the years?


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## CnC Bartok (Jun 5, 2017)

Two fishermen, sitting fishing by the river. As they sit there a funeral cortege goes by and over the bridge. One of the fishermen solemnly puts down his rod, takes off his cap, and stands quietly and calmly, head bowed. The cortege passes, and he continues with his fishing.
"That was a very respectful gesture from you", the other comments
"Well, it's the least I could do. I was married to her for 46 years"


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## Chilham (Jun 18, 2020)

BrahmsWasAGreatMelodist said:


> What was your relationship with your spouse like at the beginning? Was it love at first sight? Did you know each other for a while before you started dating? Was it always smooth sailing, or did it have rough patches that you managed to mend?


Love at first sight for me. I think I was more of a "Slow burn" for her. We met 1st August 1979, working in the same office. First date 14th March 1980 to a Toyah Wilcox concert at The Electric Ballroom in Camden. We tried to celebrate the 40th anniversary of that event with Fiona Shaw's Marriage of Figaro at The London Coliseum this year, but my wife tore the retina in her right eye the week before and couldn't make the trip - all sorted now, but I digress. We've been married for 38 years.

Was it smooth sailing? Mostly, yes, but with inevitable stormy moments. The challenges life throws at you can be tough and it takes a strong partnership to work through them.



BrahmsWasAGreatMelodist said:


> .... Would you consider your spouse one of your best friends?


Yes.


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## Malx (Jun 18, 2017)

Happily married for 37 years, at least thats what I'm informed.
_*'Would you consider your spouse one of your best friends'*_ - don't know I haven't asked yet!

Obviously I'm only joking :devil:


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## Bulldog (Nov 21, 2013)

En Passant said:


> All my best relationships have been with musically inclined people (romantic/platonic) is this true for others here?


Thinking back, I've never had a significant relationship with musically inclined women. Music would be very low on my priority list for a partner.


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## BrahmsWasAGreatMelodist (Jan 13, 2019)

Bulldog said:


> Thinking back, I've never had a significant relationship with musically inclined women. Music would be very low on my priority list for a partner.


What is higher than music?


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## mikeh375 (Sep 7, 2017)

Married here and BrahmsWasAGM, don't let any of these folk tell you that they found the best woman in the world. If they do, they are lying.....I've got her.....


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## Guest (Sep 1, 2020)

BrahmsWasAGreatMelodist said:


> What is higher than music?


When it comes to a life partner, just about everything is more important than "music."


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## SanAntone (May 10, 2020)

Baron Scarpia said:


> When it comes to a life partner, just about everything is more important than "music."


For my wife and I music was initially a bone of contention. She was writing songs for a NYC rock band (featuring Patty Smythe before she had a record deal) and I was a jazz snob. We got through it and I was hooked when she turned me on to Karla Bonoff.

I am thankful that for years she tolerated my spending a fortune on CDs. Now that I stream most of my music and the CDs are in the basement - even that has become a non-issue.


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## BrahmsWasAGreatMelodist (Jan 13, 2019)

Baron Scarpia said:


> When it comes to a life partner, just about everything is more important than "music."


Yes yes you're right of course. I meant in terms of hobbies / interests.


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## millionrainbows (Jun 23, 2012)

Barbebleu said:


> I want to thank my wife for five wonderful years of marriage. Out of the fifty we've been married that's not bad. :lol: If she reads this then I'll be "dead man walking".


What do you mean by "wife?"
Or by..."married"? 
or by...if "she" reads this then I'll be dead "man" walking?...:lol:


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## Guest (Sep 1, 2020)

BrahmsWasAGreatMelodist said:


> Yes yes you're right of course. I meant in terms of hobbies / interests.


There are two important things to get past the initial infatuation; mutual respect and shared values.


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## Strange Magic (Sep 14, 2015)

After 58 years of marriage, my wife and I are getting used to one another.


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## Chilham (Jun 18, 2020)

BrahmsWasAGreatMelodist said:


> Yes yes you're right of course. I meant in terms of hobbies / interests.


My wife's music interests cross mine. We bonded over a shared interest in Bob Dylan, in that we'd each been to see him twice before we met. We both also enjoy Joni Mitchell, Florence and the Machine, Everything But the Girl and john Martyn. She likes jazz and Mozart, I like rock and, until recently, popular classical.

I played rugby when we first met. My wife is now a bigger rugby fan than me. We both enjoy travel.

We do have some separate hobbies. Photography for my wife and long-distance motorcycling for me. I go ride Mongolia, she goes to Cambodia to shoot pics at Ankor. I take a trip to the Himalayas, she goes to Istanbul. It keeps us fresh. Can't be in your partner's pocket all of the time.


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## BrahmsWasAGreatMelodist (Jan 13, 2019)

Baron Scarpia said:


> There are two important things to get past the initial infatuation; mutual respect and shared values.


Could you expand? I'm a foolish 20 y/o ...


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## En Passant (Aug 1, 2020)

Bulldog said:


> Thinking back, I've never had a significant relationship with musically inclined women. Music would be very low on my priority list for a partner.


I didn't look for a "musical" partner it just so happens my best relationships were with musicians or at least people who were heavily interested on music.


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## En Passant (Aug 1, 2020)

BrahmsWasAGreatMelodist said:


> Could you expand? I'm a foolish 20 y/o ...


At first there is an "in love" stage were the attraction is strongest dare I say it could be more lust than love in some instances. This may or may not fade over time; In to keep a relationship strong over the years you must have:

Mutual respect for one another and shared values. I'd say values are different from politics but differences in politics may be an issue for some couples.

Sorry to step on the OPs toes.


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## Room2201974 (Jan 23, 2018)

"It takes two to be friends, 
It takes two to be lovers,
You know you got it made,
When you got one just the same as the other" ~ Stephen Stills, _How Far_

Funny timing for this thread. In a few days we'll celebrate our 40th anniversary. I wouldn't say it was love at first sight, but it was mutual attraction at first sight. We dated for a few months, fell in love, and have never stopped falling in love since. I'm pretty sure I cannot possibly explain what she has meant to me, so I'll let Dan Wilson sing words I could have easily written:

BTW, Wilson's version is better than the Chicks'.






"The way you keep the world at bay for me."


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## BrahmsWasAGreatMelodist (Jan 13, 2019)

En Passant said:


> At first there is an "in love" stage were the attraction is strongest dare I say it could be more lust than love in some instances. This may or may not fade over time; In to keep a relationship strong over the years you must have:
> 
> Mutual respect for one another and shared values. I'd say values are different from politics but differences in politics may be an issue for some couples.
> 
> Sorry to step on the OPs toes.


Well yes of course I know and have experienced all this.

But I was wondering if Baron Scarpia (or you) could elaborate on what kind of respect and what kind of shared values are important


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## BrahmsWasAGreatMelodist (Jan 13, 2019)

Room2201974 said:


> "It takes two to be friends,
> It takes two to be lovers,
> You know you got it made,
> When you got one just the same as the other" ~ Stephen Stills, _How Far_
> ...


One thing I noticed with the woman I'm into now (who is also a close friend of mine) is that sometimes it's hard to separate my platonic inclinations towards her from my romantic ones... often seems to just be one and the same. All is love. Sometimes I think this is a blessing, sometimes it drives me crazy.

Congrats on your 40th by the way.


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## flamencosketches (Jan 4, 2019)

Based on common threads in these stories it seems like the secret is getting married very shortly after meeting.


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## BrahmsWasAGreatMelodist (Jan 13, 2019)

flamencosketches said:


> Based on common threads in these stories it seems like the secret is getting married very shortly after meeting.


I've noticed this too. Are there any examples to the contrary for us losers?


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## BrahmsWasAGreatMelodist (Jan 13, 2019)

Sorry, I've said too much.


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## Krummhorn (Feb 18, 2007)

Though not my first marriage, but certainly this is my last one, for sure. Met on an online dating service (Match) and both of us had paid the extra money for an extended and more personalized profile. The common item that brought us together was being members in an ELCA Lutheran church, albeit different parishes. 

She contacted me first ... we emailed back and forth, then talked on the phone. Agreed to a very public mutual meeting spot (a restaurant) and I treated her to dinner. We hit it off instantly and there was no way I was going to let this one slip through my fingers. 

We've been together since late 2004, officially tied the know in 2008, now both retired from the mainstream of the full time occupations, enjoying our time together, ocean cruising when we can, and a woodsy cabin in the mountains when we can't. 

Mary is not musically inclined, but supports my music interests to no end. She is into Archaeology stuff, what I refer to as 'bones and stones', and was slated to take a trip to Malta and Italy this month until it all got cancelled due to the Covid 19 situation. 

We have two cats ... and a home mortgage that will be paid off in about one year.


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## Guest (Sep 2, 2020)

BrahmsWasAGreatMelodist said:


> what kind of respect and what kind of shared values are important


Respect and sharing is true, but it's both more mundane and more complicated, I think, than that. We like to do some of the same things - going to galleries and museums, watching movies - and we take an interest in each other's hobbies (hers is embroidery, mine was my job until I retired last year). We say please and thank you daily for each other's cooking, ironing, fixing things...packing (she is doing most of the prep as we get ready to move house). I'm an early riser, she's not. I fall asleep in front of the TV, she endures my snoring.

In our particular case, I had no difficulty in joining her family: we're moving to be near to her aged Ps and her sister. We have less to do with mine, so aside from the first couple of years, we've not really had much tension in "Whose family for Christmas?" I've had 36 consecutive Christmases with them.

We met at a northern Uni. I was doing my post grad teaching cert. She was in her first year doing Audiology. We hung around together in a gang of friends based around our hall of residence, but we weren't 'going out'. It was only once we''d finished that year and gone back home (down south) that we got together, at her instigation. That summer was the best ever, with us taking it in turns to travel to each other's cathedral city home for the weekend. I got my first teaching job, but still travelled to meet up with her when she returned to Uni. Then, she left her course and moved in with me that autumn and we married the following spring.

If there's a chemistry that works, it's more to do with the subtle interactions of the _sum _of who we are - our personalities, our families, our educations, our interests - where we are compatible and where we aren't. She is restless and has acted as the catalyst for positive change. I tend to contentment, happy to be at home and with her, though it's been my job that has dictated where we live, what we earn and what we can afford. I've had a career - she hasn't, though she's had lots of jobs and raised our sons.

My wife _is _my best friend. In fact, although I've got mates that I meet with in the pub for a quiz, I've probably put all my eggs in one basket, and I'm happy with that.


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## Room2201974 (Jan 23, 2018)

flamencosketches said:


> Based on common threads in these stories it seems like the secret is getting married very shortly after meeting.


Dating is like shopping for clothes. You keep trying on people to see if they "fit." Once you find that match. ...you both know.


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## Room2201974 (Jan 23, 2018)

BrahmsWasAGreatMelodist said:


> One thing I noticed with the woman I'm into now (who is also a close friend of mine) is that sometimes it's hard to separate my platonic inclinations towards her from my romantic ones... often seems to just be one and the same. All is love. Sometimes I think this is a blessing, sometimes it drives me crazy.
> 
> Congrats on your 40th by the way.


Here is the way it was explained to me, by of all people, my first composition teacher when I was a lad of 18: A good relationship is like a cake. Now most of a cake is the cake mix. It's how you relate to each other, your common values and goals, the way one makes the world an easier place to live for the other, your mutual support society. The other part of the cake is the icing - sex. Now, you wouldn't want to eat a cake with no icing, and OTOH you wouldn't want to eat just icing. 90% of the cake is the mix, icing is the other 10%. (YMMV)

This is borne out even in the responses in this thread. Look how many long term marriage folks have posted that their spouse is their best friend. BTW, my first composition teacher is still alive and he and his wife have been married for 52 years. So I guess that was pretty good advice!


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## Chilham (Jun 18, 2020)

There's a lot to be said for understanding communication style in relationships. Research over more than 25k interviews was able to identify future divorces with a 91% accuracy, purely on identifying the way couples communicated with each other.

Before semi-retirement, I trained business teams to communicate better. Understanding your own communication tendencies, those of your partner, the consequent "pinch-points" that can present themselves, and what you can do to still be yourself, but "Flex" your own style, can be of great value. It's not about 'pigeon-holing' people, we're all a kaleidoscope. It simply means we are more self-aware, and more aware of others.

This gives a flavour of what I'm writing about.


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## Guest (Sep 2, 2020)

I ought to add that just because our relationship has lasted a long time, it's not a perfect one. Arguments arise - and I don't just mean temporary arguments over soluble matters, but the kind that resurrect the longstanding dissatisfactions that can inhabit any relationship. These days, they are few and far between, but that's partly because we have to come to 'not mind' the things that once used to bug us.


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## BrahmsWasAGreatMelodist (Jan 13, 2019)

Baron Scarpia said:


> There are two important things to get past the initial infatuation; mutual respect and shared values.


I've thought about this some more. I think I get what you're saying, and I think it's really true. For any kind of relationship that hopes to be meaningful, happy, and long-lasting. Mutual respect and shared values; what a beautiful (if not quite orthogonal) basis.


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## Krummhorn (Feb 18, 2007)

Room2201974 said:


> Dating is like shopping for clothes. You keep trying on people to see if they "fit." Once you find that match. ...you both know.


Absolutely. Found that "fit" after 3 failed marriages.


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## Oscar South (Aug 6, 2020)

Married for 4 years. We met through shared music interest while we were both touring (first crossing of paths was WOMAD festival 2011, which we were both performers at) and communicated/collaborated remotely for a few years because of the massive distance involved. Later (2015) we found a funding opportunity to work together on a project in person and instantly fell in love.

We've barely been apart from each other for more than a few days since then and have had to go through some pretty hard times (relocating country more than once -- UK spouse residency laws are awful) to make that a reality. We've recently managed to achieve some stability. Having some tough years of struggle together behind us to achieve that has definitely brought us closer. Has been incredibly disruptive/destructive to our careers but we've managed to make artistic progress in the meanwhile and it feels like life is only just beginning now!

Here's an excerpt from our most recent live collaboration (November 2019):





Here's an earlier clip that we made at home under the same concept, featuring a friend performing with us:





She also painted the avatar picture I'm using on this message board!


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## Oldhoosierdude (May 29, 2016)

I lost a lot of weight and my ring no longer fit. I told my spouse that is nature's way of saying we are no longer married. She gave me a chain to put it around my neck. I'm still happily married.

True story.

She married for comedy.


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## En Passant (Aug 1, 2020)

Krummhorn said:


> Absolutely. Found that "fit" after 3 failed marriages.


I'm happy to hear this, wish you a long and happy time together.


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## Krummhorn (Feb 18, 2007)

Oldhoosierdude said:


> . . . She gave me a chain to put it around my neck. I'm still happily married.
> 
> True story.
> 
> She married for comedy.


At least it wasn't a ball and chain. :lol:


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## TxllxT (Mar 2, 2011)

When I was 17 years old I first got hooked on Mahler's symphonies, then on Bruckner's, but the real thing for me I discovered to be Prokofiev's oeuvre and Russian music as a whole. Well, the Iron Curtain existed and would stand for ever (according to communist ideology), but in those days I truly dreamed a dream about meeting a woman from St Petersburg... What no one expected, did happen: in 1989 the Iron Curtain all of a sudden became a thing of the past. I was still dreaming about St Petersburg, but out of pure curiosity I went to Prague and the Giant mountains in North Bohemia in the summer of 1990, just to take a first look for myself behind 'the Curtain'. Well, I looked and looked, and met a Czech woman who happened to have been a wonder child on the piano. She loved classical music from heavily romantic Bach to Chopin and Smetana on the piano. I was able to continue my theological study at the Charles' University of Prague, we married and I learned to speak Czech fluently. This romantic marriage in the first years was truly romantic with a Bohemian touch, but unhappily didn't last. In 2007 I was looking again, this time I went to Moravia (the eastern side of the Czech Republic) for an internet date with what I thought to be a Moravian woman. To my great amazement she originated from St Petersburg. She had followed her first husband to Karvina, a mining town on the Czech-Polish border, and had chosen to become 100% Czech. She doesn't like classical music, but does love Dmitri Hvorostovsky's patriotic songs:




and roams the internet for Christian traditionals like 'Acapelbridge' (where can you find such a high musical quality level?):




She agreed to come to me and live in Holland. Six months after the first meeting we got married. My wife's father was still living in St Petersburg, but she was adamantly against flying into Russia. In 2013 she changed her mind and since then we have spent four magical holidays in Peter. This summer we planned to fly to St Petersburg again, but alas..., the coronavirus...


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