# Witty Euphemisms



## Ingélou

Hi - I'm a plain-speaker in general, but some euphemisms are just too lovely to forego.

For example, the British 'tired and emotional' for 'drunk'. This originated when George Brown, the deputy leader of the Labour Party, was approached for a reaction to President Kennedy's assassination, and was clearly drunk on camera. The next day it was explained by a spin-doctor of the time as being due to the fact that he was 'tired and emotional'.

This may have inspired the apocryphal joke about when George Brown was Foreign Secretary later in the 1960s.

He was at an Embassy Ball when he saw a gorgeous vision in red satin standing at the side of the room, so he approached:

'Madam, may I have the honour of this dance?'

The reply was 'no', and George Brown asked why.

'You ask me why, Mr Brown?
Firstly, you can't dance.
Secondly, you are drunk.
And thirdly, I am the Cardinal Archbishop of Lima!'


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## Ingélou

Another one comes from my grandmother, born in Victorian times (1889).

For a promiscuous woman - she's 'no better than she should be'! 

And I like the term for being illegitimate - 'born on the wrong side of the blanket'.


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## Ingélou

Please note the thread title - *Witty* Euphemisms, and keep it witty, rather than sleazy or gross.
I know I can trust y'all!

Thanks in advance for any replies. :tiphat:


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## Weston

Well, when I ride my bike I sometimes have "unscheduled dismounts." Does that count?


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## Ingélou

Certainly - a lovely self-deprecatory humour. 

It's grim, but there's truth as well as wit in the Victorian euphemism for dying - 'Joining the Majority'.


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## Figleaf

When my mum complained to my DIY-averse Dad about the front door being draughty: 'It's not a draught, it's 'fortuitous ventilation''.

I don't know if it was witty but it certainly worked: no more complaints about the door, and it only just got replaced with a upvc one after 30 years


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## Badinerie

There are some great ones for being of unsound mind.

A sandwich short of a picnic.

I don't think all his chairs are under the table.

Away with the fairies. (No offence meant!)

Not quite the full shilling.

The wheel's spinning, but the hamster is dead!

My favourite Euphemism for being thrown out of a window is, " Unsolicited Defenestration"


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## Jos

An American bloke I once worked with had one that I found very funny:

" he's not the sharpest knife in the drawer " , and no, it wasn't directed at me (I hope....)


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## Cosmos

One I can think of is that "hanging" or "hung" can refer to a man going flaccid after sex. So Shakespeare used this little pun in his play Measure for Measure, waking a prisoner up to be executed:

"Master Barnardine! you must rise and be hanged."


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## Ingélou

^^^^ Learn something new every day! 

A saying of my father's threatening violence, and referring to the custom of giving people 'birthday bumps':
*'He'll think all his birthdays have come at once!'*


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## SuperTonic

In retail we have a euphamism for being fired or laid off.
"He/She was promoted to customer."


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## GreenMamba

Martha Stewart has jokingly referred to her time in prison as being at "Yale."


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## science

GreenMamba said:


> Martha Stewart has jokingly referred to her time in prison as being at "Yale."


This joke has also been done in reverse.


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## GreenMamba

_Hiking the Appalachian trail _ is a recent one that is gaining some traction. It means having an illicit affair.

Origin: The former Governor (and current Congressman) from S. Carolina disappeared for a week. He told everyone he was off hiking the Appalachian trail, when in fact he was in Argentina with his mistress.


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## science

I've heard but cannot verify that someone has wanted to redefine failure as "deferred success."


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## science

If a Korean says your face has gotten better, it means you've gained weight. 

Koreans usually don't use euphemisms for that, though....


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## Ingélou

GreenMamba said:


> _Hiking the Appalachian trail _ is a recent one that is gaining some traction. It means having an illicit affair.
> 
> Origin: The former Governor (and current Congressman) from S. Carolina disappeared for a week. He told everyone he was off hiking the Appalachian trail, when in fact he was in Argentina with his mistress.


This is similar to 'Ugandan discussions' or 'Ugandan Affairs' in Britain, sometimes said to be after a woman journalist who met a Ugandan minister at a party, and went upstairs with him to talk about Uganda. 
There's also the euphemism 'to play away'.


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## Musicforawhile

science said:


> If a Korean says your face has gotten better, it means you've gained weight.
> 
> Koreans usually don't use euphemisms for that, though....


But how does someone reply? Do they act like it's a compliment and say thank you?


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## Taggart

science said:


> I've heard but cannot verify that someone has wanted to redefine failure as "deferred success."


Failed at school? No, it was merely a 'deferred success' - Daily Telegraph from 2005.


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## Ingélou

I like the description of bald men as 'follically challenged'.


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## science

Musicforawhile said:


> But how does someone reply? Do they act like it's a compliment and say thank you?


After 12 years in Korea, I still have no idea how you're supposed to reply. I just say something like, "Oh, thanks for noticing."


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## Badinerie

One time, went into a pub some miles from home as saw a neighbour drinking with another neighbour's Husband. Having mentioned this discreetly to a friend, he informed me that the pub was popular with "Fence Jumpers" which I thought was a witty euphemism for "coveting thy neighbours ***"


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## science

Wait, that's "coveting thy neighbor's _wife_," right?


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## science

I'll contribute more positively to the thread with another Korean euphemism. 

Koreans like to describe shapes as "lines." I've been here for so long that for all I know this is a thing they've adopted from Western culture but whatever. They want a "V-line" face, an "S-line" waist and hips. I think there are more but I don't remember. 

So, anyway, "D-line" is a way of saying "fat."

Edit: Along those lines: not a euphemism exactly, but a woman with a full, shapely posterior is said to have "a duck butt (오리 엉덩이) ." That's a compliment. I get that. 

More Edit: Also, "straight-straight-bread-bread (쭉쭉빵빵)" somehow describes a thin woman with large breasts. Also a compliment. The "bread-bread" is obvious, but I don't don't know if "straight-straight" is the best translation (for 쭉). The word is used in directions, meaning "straight all the way through without turning right or left." Maybe it has some other meaning though, because I don't understand how it is a good way to describe an attractive figure.


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## elgar's ghost

I suppose all this ghastly corporate-speak can come under the euphemism umbrella:

'A strategic reconstruction of the statistical database so as to obtain an alternative overview'

I still prefer 'fiddling the figures'...


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## Varick

Not to be vulgar, but it is something we all do. My favorite euphemism for doing #2 in the bathroom: _"I have to go talk to a man about a horse."_ [From when before cars, the purchase of a horse was "serious business."]

When someone has become sick from drinking too much, they do _"the technicolored yawn."_

JOS mentioned, _"Not the sharpest knife in the drawer"_ for someone not being too bright. My creation for that scenario is, _"He's certainly not splitting the atom anytime soon." _

Great thread. I love witty euphemisms.

V


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## Haydn man

Another for vomiting
'Talking to the big white telephone'


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## Taggart

Another for vomiting from private eye and Barry McKenzie

Technicolour yawn.


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## Ingélou

Varick said:


> Not to be vulgar, but it is something we all do. My favorite euphemism for doing #2 in the bathroom: _"I have to go talk to a man about a horse."_ [From when before cars, the purchase of a horse was "serious business."]
> V


Is this an American saying? In Britain, if you're in a pub, a man would say, 'I have to see a man about a dog.' (For a #1) I've always associated that with working class Victorian life, where acquiring a whippet or a smart terrier was quite the thing. 

The old-fashioned female equivalent is 'I have to powder my nose' - both sides of the pond, I believe - and 'I have to spend a penny' - based on the old price for ladies' public toilets. Men never had to pay - though they do now, in the Age of Equality.

My mother would always say, 'I have to pay a visit,' and when I was a little girl, I took that literally and would puzzle over who she was visiting.


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## Varick

Ingélou said:


> Is this an American saying?


I don't know if it is 'American' or not. I remember my grandfather saying it once when I was about 10 years old. Although I didn't know the background of it, I realized what he meant after going into the bathroom. I had no idea where the saying came from, but I just thought it sounded very funny. Some years later, I asked him where that phrase came from, and that's what he told me about the days of purchasing a horse.

He was the one who told me that horses were so important and vital to so many people's livelihoods before cars, that it was perfectly legal and in your right to shoot or kill a man who stole your horse.

So since then, I've been using it.

Kinda of disappointingly surprised this thread hasn't taken off more than it has given the (apparent) highly literate membership here at TC.

V


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## science

Varick said:


> I don't know if it is 'American' or not. I remember my grandfather saying it once when I was about 10 years old. Although I didn't know the background of it, I realized what he meant after going into the bathroom. I had no idea where the saying came from, but I just thought it sounded very funny. Some years later, I asked him where that phrase came from, and that's what he told me about the days of purchasing a horse.
> 
> He was the one who told me that horses were so important and vital to so many people's livelihoods before cars, that it was perfectly legal and in your right to shoot or kill a man who stole your horse.
> 
> So since then, I've been using it.
> 
> Kinda of disappointingly surprised this thread hasn't taken off more than it has given the (apparent) highly literate membership here at TC.
> 
> V


I've never heard it in America but I've heard it in New Brunswick. Where was your grandfather from?


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## Ingélou

Dying is another subject that attracts a lot of euphemisms. I like 'pushing up the daisies' the best.


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## trazom

Ingélou said:


> Dying is another subject that attracts a lot of euphemisms. I like 'pushing up the daisies' the best.


I heard another one the other day that made me laugh, "what a terrible way to punch out."

These last two aren't really euphemisms, but still someone responded to a video of a man who electrocuted himself and wrote "he should've conducted himself more properly."

Or, in a falling elevator: "That was disturbing on so many levels."


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## Ingélou

^^^^^
The British actor John Le Mesurier was entranced by the expression 'conk out', originally used of engine failure, used as slang for dying. Famously he made his wife promise that when he died, she'd phrase the death notice in the newspaper as '*John Le Mesurier wishes it to be known that he conked out on November 15th 1983.*' It's funny but brave and stoical too - a particularly British combination and so suited to the Dad's Army star!


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## Varick

science said:


> I've never heard it in America but I've heard it in New Brunswick. Where was your grandfather from?


Definitely not from New Brunswick lol

He was from Georgia, USA. Perhaps in the days before the automobile, it was quite a common euphemism.

V


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## Haydn man

An expression for those with a high opinion of themselves
'He's a legend is his own mind'


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## Haydn man

Taggart said:


> Another for vomiting from private eye and Barry McKenzie
> 
> Technicolour yawn.


Or otherwise known as the 'multicolour yodel'


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## Haydn man

Ingélou said:


> Another one comes from my grandmother, born in Victorian times (1889).
> 
> For a promiscuous woman - she's 'no better than she should be'! '.


I have heard a similar description as 'fur coat and no knickers'


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## science

In America, we say that someone who leaves the door open behind them was born in a barn. In Korea, they say he has a long tail. That's not exactly a euphemism but I like it. 

Speaking of a sobriety-challenged relative, my mother-in-law once enhanced the Korean version of "he has a screw loose," speculating, "I don't think he even has a screw."


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## TurnaboutVox

Haydn man said:


> I have heard a similar description as 'fur coat and no knickers'


'All fur coat and nae knickers' is a phrase once commonly heard in Scottish working class society to describe a woman with pretensions to be 'better' than she was. Often used by Glaswegians of Edinburghians, a city which was famed for considering itself 'a cut above'.


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## Jos

science said:


> In America, we say that someone who leaves the door open behind them was born in a barn. In Korea, they say he has a long tail. That's not exactly a euphemism but I like it.


Similar in Dutch, only we say "church".

I can still hear my granddad saying " were you born in the church ?" whenever someone left the door open


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## Haydn man

Describing someone or thing as 'being as much use as a chocolate tea pot' is a nice pithy summary


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## GreenMamba

I had an uncle who used "making lunch for the Queen" as a euphemism for going to the bathroom. Three guesses as to his ancestry.


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## Ingélou

^^^ I remember as children, we used to call the toilet 'Buckingham Palace'.


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## hpowders

Over here, we call it the White House.


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## hpowders

Being tall, I refer to myself as vertically challenged. I applied for a disability pension. More CDs for me.


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## Ingélou

A tall story - which reminds me of that good one 'being economical with the truth' for lying.


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## hpowders

Ingélou said:


> A tall story - which reminds me of that good one 'being economical with the truth' for lying.


Well, I was thinking about it. I see the application IS in the outbox.

I'm kind of assuming nobody in "pensions, vertically-challenged division" has any interest in classical music discussion websites.


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## Musicforawhile

If someone I know makes spelling mistakes then I call it _creative spelling_.

I don't think any has mentioned _ladies of the night_ yet.

Tbh I find it hard to differentiate between idioms and true euphemisms.


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## Figleaf

Musicforawhile said:


> If someone I know makes spelling mistakes then I call it _creative spelling_.
> 
> I don't think any has mentioned _ladies of the night_ yet.
> 
> Tbh I find it hard to differentiate between idioms and true euphemisms.


'Ladies of the night' is a very good example of a euphemism, since it replaces words which 'nice' people do not say! ('Nice' in this context being rather euphemistic as well.) Is it true that 'actress' once had a similar connotation to 'lady of the night'? I can't remember where I read that, so I might have imagined it. (No offence to female actors: I'm talking about a Victorian usage of 'actress' at the very least.)


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## Musicforawhile

Figleaf said:


> 'Ladies of the night' is a very good example of a euphemism, since it replaces words which 'nice' people do not say! ('Nice' in this context being rather euphemistic as well.) Is it true that 'actress' once had a similar connotation to 'lady of the night'? I can't remember where I read that, so I might have imagined it. (No offence to female actors: I'm talking about a Victorian usage of 'actress' at the very least.)


Interesting! I can imagine that is probably true. I am not sure if this is a euphemism or just coded language but apparently in old movies a woman being from New Orleans would mean she was a prostitute, and a man who wore cologne was gay. According to Slavoj Zizek.


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## clavichorder

Figleaf said:


> 'Ladies of the night' is a very good example of a euphemism, since it replaces words which 'nice' people do not say! ('Nice' in this context being rather euphemistic as well.) Is it true that 'actress' once had a similar connotation to 'lady of the night'? I can't remember where I read that, so I might have imagined it. (No offence to female actors: I'm talking about a Victorian usage of 'actress' at the very least.)


Another Victorian one I like, is 'strong waters,' meaning alcohol.


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## Badinerie

hpowders said:


> Over here, we call it the White House.


Thats almost what we call it where we live....


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## Musicforawhile

clavichorder said:


> Another Victorian one I like, is 'strong waters,' meaning alcohol.


Also 'grandpa's cough medicine.'

And 'excuse my French' for swearing.


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## Figleaf

Musicforawhile said:


> Interesting! I can imagine that is probably true. I am not sure if this is a euphemism or just coded language but apparently in old movies a woman being from New Orleans would mean she was a prostitute, and a man who wore cologne was gay. According to Slavoj Zizek.


Excellent point. So 'lady of the night' is a classic euphemism- a prettified way of saying the unsayable, but whose meaning is clear- whereas 'actress' if it ever had that meaning, is coded speech. Important distinction. :tiphat:


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## brianvds

Varick said:


> Not to be vulgar, but it is something we all do. My favorite euphemism for doing #2 in the bathroom: _"I have to go talk to a man about a horse."_


One might point out that "doing #2" is in itself a euphemism. 



Haydn man said:


> Another for vomiting
> 'Talking to the big white telephone'


Also used around here:
"Driving the bus with the white steering wheel" or "calling George."

In this PC age of crooked politicians and spineless commentators, euphemisms have become more common than straightforward descriptions. A notorious one of recent years was "wardrobe malfunction," after some sexy singer's boob popped out during a concert. And Bill Clinton became (in)famous for "that depends on what the definition of 'is' is" (not exactly a euphemism as such, but still...)

From the world of warfare: "collateral damage" for "bombing the bejesus out of a wedding party."

And of course "enhanced interrogation techniques" for torture.

After South Africa finally destroyed its secret nuclear arsenal, people around were obviously rather surprised to learn that we had nuclear bombs without anyone knowing about it. "Not nuclear bombs," said the responsible minister. "A number of devices were decommissioned." Well, if you ask me, whether it's a bomb or a device, it won't help you much when it's _your_ remains floating up into a mushroom cloud. 

Reminds me of the explosion of the space shuttle Challenger. The first comment one hears on the audio track is "obviously a major malfunction." Yeah, I'd say.


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## SixFootScowl

Badinerie said:


> There are some great ones for being of unsound mind.
> 
> A sandwich short of a picnic.
> 
> I don't think all his chairs are under the table.
> 
> Away with the fairies. (No offence meant!)
> 
> Not quite the full shilling.
> 
> The wheel's spinning, but the hamster is dead!
> 
> My favourite Euphemism for being thrown out of a window is, " Unsolicited Defenestration"


The lights are on, but nobody is home.



Haydn man said:


> Another for vomiting
> 'Talking to the big white telephone'


Driving the porcelain bus.

For someone who is near death:
"He's got one foot in the grave."

For dying,
"Kicked the bucket." and "Bought the Farm."


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## MoonlightSonata

A euphemism that describes anyone who uses it is 'not the brightest tool in the box'.


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## TxllxT

The Bible has quite a lot of euphemisms as well:
1st example:
_And Abraham said unto his eldest servant of his house, that ruled over all that he had, Put, I pray thee, thy hand under my thigh _(Gen 24:2 King James)

A Jewish & American translation finds it necessary to cut out that beating around the bush: _And Abraham said to Eliezer his servant, the senior of his house, who had rule over all his property, Put now thy hand upon the section of my circumcision._ (Gen 24:2 PJE)

2nd example:
_And when Boaz had eaten and drunk, and his heart was merry, he went to lie down at the end of the heap of corn: and she came softly, and uncovered his feet, and laid her down._ (Ruth 3:7 King James)

Perhaps there are still enough Victorians in TC who think that Ruth just laid there quietly...

3rd example:
_ And he came to the sheepcotes by the way, where was a cave; and Saul went in to cover his feet: and David and his men remained in the sides of the cave._ (1Sa 24:3 King James)

To cover his feet = 'to relieve himself' = 'to do one's needs'


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## Ingélou

I remember the glee with which we children read our school bibles and realised what it meant when it said 'And Adam *knew* his wife'. 

Then we'd go round asking each other in a casually innocent tone - 'Do you know Jack Wilson' (the boy up the road, say) - and then when the girl said, 'Of course I know him!', we'd say in highly significant, shocked tones, 'Ooh, you *know* Jack Wilson!' :lol:


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## SixFootScowl

On old one that is rarely used anymore but fun is to call a pessimistic person a crepe hanger.


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## SixFootScowl

Not sure this one qualifies as a euphemism, but it is a good one:

"Little pitchers have big ears." for the fact that small children often overhear more of what is said than adults realize or desire.


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## Ingélou

Florestan said:


> Not sure this one qualifies as a euphemism, but it is a good one:
> 
> "Little pitchers have big ears." for the fact that small children often overhear more of what is said than adults realize or desire.


:tiphat: Maybe it's not a euphemism, but it's a neat expression, and puts me in mind of the scene in *David Copperfield*.

The nasty but handsome Mr Murdstone is courting David's widowed mother, and to seem as if he's a nice man, he takes David, who is very young, out for the day to meet some of his friends. One asks Murdstone how he's getting on with the courting, and another notices that David is listening and warns them - 'Someone's sharp!'
When David asks them who is sharp, the gent replies, 'Only Brookes of Sheffield*', and they all laugh.
Then later on they have a luncheon party, and get poor little David to drink a toast: 'Confusion to Brookes of Sheffield!'

Very funny, and very poignant.

_* Note for non-Brits - the joke is that Sheffield was the centre of knife manufacturing in England at that time, and for most of the twentieth century too. _


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## SixFootScowl

Ok, this might be pushing the limits, but is as low as i go.

When I worked at a print shop and someone had audible flatulence, they would say that he was stepping on ducks.

Once when working in urban forestry, the tree trimmer was about 80 feet up in a cottonwood, had to get up from the bucket which did not reach that far and go the rest of the way with ropes. He was probably a bit nervous too. Anyway, he hollered down to us that "there are a lot of barking spiders up here."


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## TurnaboutVox

Another one from Glasgow.

Genteel Glaswegian alcoholics don't drink: they "take a wee refreshment...you know whit ah mean, doactor, a _*refreshment!*_"


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## brianvds

Florestan said:


> For someone who is near death:
> "He's got one foot in the grave."


Also: "He's got one foot in the grave, and the other on a banana peel."


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## StephenTC

I have heard "she's no better than she should be"several times, and Ok I will admit to not being especially smart: I don't quite get it...


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## StephenTC

hmm... ARE vulgar and witty two mutually exclusive properties in one saying?
I won't say what these euphemisms are for as the mental images they create do not require it.
They are from that great Australian, the former cultural ambassador to the Far East, Sir Les Patterson:

"Galloping the lizard" 

"Back in a tick, I am just going to 'strain the potatoes' "


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## elgar's ghost

StephenTC said:


> hmm... ARE vulgar and witty two mutually exclusive properties in one saying?
> I won't say what these euphemisms are for as the mental images they create do not require it.
> They are from that great Australian, the former cultural ambassador to the Far East, Sir Les Patterson:
> 
> "Galloping the lizard"
> 
> "Back in a tick, I am just going to 'strain the potatoes' "


Brings make memories of this album when it was released in the 80s:


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## Badinerie

I would like to contribute more to this thread but I have to go "Point Percy at the Porcelain"


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## Ingélou

StephenTC said:


> I have heard "she's no better than she should be"several times, and Ok I will admit to not being especially smart: I don't quite get it...


It does seem paradoxical - dark mutterings, not saying quite what you mean - and I think that's the appeal: my Victorian granny didn't actually have to spell anything out. She didn't have to say 'she is sexually loose'.

According to various google sites, it goes back at least to 1815 and maybe to an eighteenth century translation of Don Quixote. You could also make sense of it by saying 'no better than she ought to be/ you'd expect her to be, considering her background' - though I didn't hear any class aspersions in my granny's remarks. Or 'considering humanity's fallen state, you shouldn't expect too much of her, and you'd be right'.


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## Kibbles Croquettes

Florestan said:


> Ok, this might be pushing the limits, but is as low as i go.
> 
> When I worked at a print shop and someone had audible flatulence, they would say that he was stepping on ducks.


Oh, that's hilarious, the surreallity of that somehow got to me. I guess all - or at least most - of these euphemisms are somewhat surreal, of course, but stepping on ducks... there's just someting incredibly funny about accidentally stepping on animals. I guess not so much for the animals that are stepped on, though. But in this case animals that shouldn't even be there in the first place. Ducks should be in a duckquarium.


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