# Don't Ask Me Why: Chapter 25, Part I



## Huilunsoittaja (Apr 6, 2010)

As much as Tanya could complain about how Marcus was treating himself, she couldn't say much better for herself. She had become very thin, almost too thin to look healthy. She was very sleep deprived, depending on caffeine to be normal through the day, but also alcohol every evening just to fall asleep. All of these features combined made her look very gaunt, even sick. Tanya's make-up and clothing produced an unusual combination of health and decay that she almost looked like one of those cadavers who are touched-up for memorial viewings, often looking quite different and fake compared to themselves while living. She could not see the light at the end of the tunnel for her, it felt like she was just going farther and farther into darkness.
It was now the week before the double presentation of concerts. The choral concert was on a Thursday night, and the orchestra concert the night after. Being the end for many graduate students, the projects for these students were heavily featured. In the choral concert, Tanya and her colleague that was also her year both had projects, and the grad conductors were doing their own projects for the orchestra concert. It there had been a DMA choral conducting student, they would have had their project both with chorus and orchestra.
Tanya enclosed herself into her practice room every day, conducting and singing, sometimes simultaneously. She had watched Ernest's movements very carefully, and she was almost certain that she would have been able to conduct the orchestra that was accompanying her. Also, there was one more Lab Orchestra for the year, when the choral conductors would get a chance to improve their skills before the big concert.
Marie was happy to see Tanya and the other graduate choral conductors come that evening. She had felt horrible the other times she was asked to come there, since the ill-fated encounter with Ernest. They avoided each other like the plague now, even though he still had to hire her each week. Now with guest conductors, she could breath more easily since they weren't nearly as exposed to each other as before.
The featured piece for the night was Dvorak's 9th Symphony, the Largo. It was a full orchestra this evening, with brass choir and English horn. Tanya was offered to do the first few minutes of it. She hadn't worked with Ernest the way she had the semester before, supposedly since they were already working together in the orchestra.
Marie watched as Tanya got up on the podium and smiled to everyone. She didn't play her flute almost at all during this segment, and only watched. Marie always admired Tanya for being multi-talented, and it was an interesting perspective by being in the ensemble.
Tanya's face was unusually emotive, so Marie thought. Her gestures were very fluid, but the real expression came from her pained eyes.
Marie wondered if there was something behind the music that was hurting Tanya.
"That was very good, Tanya! I really liked your expression!" said the head director. "I do have one problem though, and may I ask the orchestra something. How many of you had eye contact with Tanya in the last five minutes?"
Only a handful raised their hands.
"I would want to challenge you to try to engage with the players themselves again, Tanya. It seemed that you were expressive, but had sort of 'zoned out' and weren't paying attention to the roles of the players. Keep your focus on them, that's how you will get the most out of them."
"Yes, sir," Tanya said softly. The next time around, she tried to make contact with everyone in the audience, even Marie, although she wasn't playing. But it seemed she had lost her peace of mind, and darted her eyes very quickly from person to person rather than as fluidly as her own gestures.
"That was better, Tanya," remarked the director. "Any suggestions, Ernest?"
"No, I'm very happy with you, Tanya," he said softly behind the orchestra.
Marie almost turned around in surprise at this comment, but instead looked up at Tanya.
Tanya smiled painfully.
At the break, Marie went over to Alex, who was talking to his stand partner. They were talking about the very piece Alex was performing with Tanya two nights from then. Alex had it on his stand, and was playing through one very fast lick over and over.
"Ugh! I just can't get that hand shift at the end of the turn!" he was saying.
"What if you shift a beat ahead of time, and play second position for the first half of the measure?" the other friend said. Alex tried it out, with success.
"Well that was easy!" he laughed. Marie was standing with her back to the wall next to them, watching.
"That's sounds pretty," Marie said softly.
"It is," he looked up at her with a smile. "Ever heard of this composer, Arensky?"
"No, not at all."
"Well, me neither until I heard this piece. Believe me, it's a gorgeous piece."
The stand partner got up at this time, and Marie and Alex were left alone.
"So how have your studies been?" Marie asked nervously.
"The usual. Not too many classes, no giant papers. But practicing four to five hours a day, it's good for me."
Just then, Marie heard a piano in the back of the room. Some student had started playing the Liszt Consolation No. 3.
"Four to five hours a day? that's intense," Marie spoke rapidly, feeling uneasy because of the music.
"It is, but... it's always easier when it's something you love, isn't that always true?" he smiled.
"It is..." Marie looked him square in the eye, but was too flustered in her emotions and turned away again.
"I haven't had a better year of college than I did this past year, that's the whole truth," he continued to Marie's surprise.
"Really?"
"Yes. I've enjoyed being here more than anywhere else. It's the people here really."
"Well... it's been the same here, somehow, even though I'm not a student," Marie laughed nervously.
Alex nodded his head. They reached a silence in their conversation, and Marie took her leave.
The student finally stopped playing the piece by the time Marie came back to her seat. She stared wide eyed at her music stand.
"That was the most anti-climactic Romantic moment ever, how stupid!" Marie seethed inside, and felt her gritting her teeth. "And I love that piece... ugh! What torture!" The second hour was under way.
Every conductor had their turn, and it was a very profitable night for all the conductors. Marie met up with Tanya at the end, who had stayed to audit the second hour, to congratulate her.
"You're going to be stellar on Thursday, Tanya!"
"I hope so," Tanya smiled bitterly. "I just want everything to end, the stress..." her eyes wandered around the room.
"Indeed, I'm sorry for you," Marie lowered her voice. "I've been praying."
Tanya laughed softly, but but sighed with a frown.
They found themselves approached by Ernest in that moment, although he kept his eyes off Marie.
"I see how your singing has improved your own conducting, Tanya," he began. "and I see how conducting has improved your singing. I think it's going to be great, our performance together."
"It will. You will be conducting your own project that night, right?"
"Yes, the first thing on the program. Then there's a break while the others do their pieces, and then we come on."
"Great! I want to see it," Tanya seemed to lighten up a bit in her mood.
Marie remained silent this whole time, looking at the ground.
"You'll come to the choral concert, won't you?" Tanya asked him again.
"Certainly, I think it'll be great."
Tanya grinned. "Well, have a good night! Let's go, Marie," Marie was still looking at the ground but turned up. She caught Ernest's eye for a second.
"Goodnight Tanya... Marie," he added more softly.
"So he's stopped smiling at you now, there has to be a reason for it," Tanya said to Marie in private. They were walking back to their cars.
"There is... it's because he knows I've rejected him."
"Aww..." Tanya for the first time felt rather sad for Marie. "I'm sorry for him too. But... he will get over it."
"I hope..."


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