# Don't Ask Me Why: Chapter 10



## Huilunsoittaja (Apr 6, 2010)

It was Tuesday night. Tanya left her apartment to go to this so called Lab Orchestra session. She was in excellent spirits.

Although she had felt rough the last few weeks, she got her confidence back. Most of all, she and Marcus felt reconciled, and so she gained more focus than before.

Tonight, she would conduct the 1st and 2nd movements of Schubert's Symphony No. 5, a piece she learned to truly love. Two other grad choral conducting students were there, and the usual three orchestral conducting students, including Ernest. It turned out each of them had mentored each of these others, so Ernest and Tanya were nothing special.

The little lab orchestra was made up of mostly grad students and upper undergrads. These people were trusted with sight-reading and had the time to get a little pay. Tanya recognized the one Marie had once mentioned, Alex. He was playing principle cello as usual.

The other two choral conducting students were David and Leah. David was Tanya's age, 2nd year Masters, and Leah was 1st year. Why Tanya never did this lab orchestra in her first year eluded her, perhaps because it wasn't in existence at that time.

Anyhow, the first hour was dedicated to them, and each had their twenty minutes. Leah was first.

"Keep your wrist not so stiff, Leah," remarked the symphony Director. He was the mentor for all the orchestral conducting students, and would coach each and every one of the students today. "Move with the point of the baton in mind, not the wrist." Overall, Leah was very amateur, but she had a lot of heart and that wasn't overlooked.

David was next. His gestures were very fluid, and he was complimented for that. The symphony director advised him to think about longer phrases and try to get that across with certain gestures that he tried to demonstrate.

Tanya took all this to heart when it was her turn to conduct. Ernest was sitting in the back with a score, watching her carefully. Tanya's hardest issue was using a baton, but by now she had gotten the hang of it, and with the use of both hands was able to make very simple and clear gestures. Her face could be very expressive too. It was a lot more fun that she expected, and less nerve-wracking. She found herself almost smiling.

The orchestra director immediately complimented her. "I like a lot of things I'm seeing Tanya, there is amazing fluidity of motion, but still very precise. Your cut offs and entrances were very good. What do you say, Ernest?" the director turned around and let Ernest say some words for coaching.

"I see that you were enjoying yourself greatly, that's very pleasing. I think..." he stared at her very intently. "The greater inner focus you have, the more you'll be able to bring out of yourself and give it to the other players or singers about you. You motivate the players as much as they motivate you. Try one thing, go to the 1st movement again, and try to give yourself to each player, note where the music travels."

Tanya began again, wondering how to accomplish that. But then it dawned on her: it was like acting, like opera. Her gestures could communicate just like words, and this was the secret to telling a story. No one stopped her as she continued on, when suddenly she realized they hit a part she didn't know by the score. She looked back at Ernest, who was smiling.

For a split second, she lost focus, and conducted one less beat in the measure, messing everyone up. Realizing her error, she flailed her arms trying to get everyone to stop, and everyone started laughing, including her.

But something serious was stirred inside her.

Tanya gave a bow to light applause. It was the end of the first hour, and now was a break.

"You were great, Tanya!" Leah exclaimed and hugged Tanya.

"I agree, you are very talented," David smiled.

"Thank you, guys, I really appreciated it, and you were all great too!" she said with a lot of warmth. They chatted for a bit, before Tanya yearned to talk with Ernest, who was with his colleagues. She slowly made her way in his direction.

Ernest saw her immediately. "Great job, Tanya, you made a lot of progress."

"Really, thank you so much for your help, I couldn't have done it without you," she said gravely.

"Aw, it's nothing," he smiled.

"I was just wondering if... if you were coming to the choir concert this Thursday. Can you make it?"

"Yeah, I think I can, are you performing?"

"Just being in the choir, no conducting, for two ensembles, and then I can sit in the audience."

"I'll mark it down to go to it!"

"Oh good!" Tanya sighed. "By the way, how are you studies going again?"

"I can't complain. Same as usual. But I'm doing comps in four weeks, I'm getting read for that."

"Good luck with that."

"Yeah... and," suddenly Ernest frowned, "Maybe I can spend a little more time getting out. I've been stuck inside my apartment doing so much work."

"Marcus is like that right now too," Tanya commented grimly. "Much to my... neglect."

"Oh?"

"Yeah... I... I don't like to talk about it," Tanya said suddenly, but drew a quick glance at him before turning her head away. The fact was, she actually wanted Ernest to wonder.

"I see. Give him some sympathy though, if you can. It will all end soon."

"Hopefully," Tanya continued frowning.

"You're getting married to him, right?"

Tanya felt herself go pale, "Yes," she said in a small voice.

Almost instinctively she made herself leave the room. It had become too much to bear.

Outside the rehearsal room, she got a drink, and calmed herself for a second. She put her back to the wall.

"Even after everything... Oh how dare Ernest remind me! I thought I loved Marcus! I do! But... oh God! If only!" she put her face in her hands for a moment to take a deep breath.

Tanya blinked and became properly composed. She had to stay for the second hour and take notes on the orchestral conductors, so she entered back into the room and joined her colleagues in the back.

The grad conductors each took a turn in the next hour at conducting a quite different work, Rachmaninoff's 2nd symphony, the 2nd and 3rd movements. Tanya knew this work very well, and so she enjoyed it thoroughly.

Tanya had never seriously seen Ernest conduct something before, so she waited eagerly for his turn, but almost with a dread. She didn't know if she could control her emotions anymore.

Unlike the other the conductors, Ernest didn't go through the whole 2nd movement, instead preferring to do the 3rd movement in full. Tanya watched him with intense focus, but she felt to nervous to look him in the face for too long. She wrote down what she could when she felt that pressure.

"Grounded feet, relaxed appearance... very relaxed wrist... wide gestures... very fluid..."

When it reached the intense development section and climax of the movement, Tanya was entranced. Ernest looked like he was completely possessed by the music, his face pained by the harsh harmonies. He closed his eyes and a wonderful smile came across his face when it finally cadenced in triumph.

It was too late for Tanya. She would have screamed if she didn't cover her mouth. Tears were in her eyes.

Barely able to control her emotions, she waited until the movement was over, glaring at the floor in front of her. When the movement ended, she finally looked up as everyone began to clap. Ernest didn't give her a glance at all.

Taking deep breaths, she tried to stay calm for the next few minutes as the orchestra director gave last well-wishes to the choral conductors. But she felt very weak, pale, and distraught, and so took her leave early.

Tanya left the building and went to the parking lot to find her car. But she couldn't contain her tears, and wept openly until she found her car. She got inside and continued weeping for several minutes.

Tanya would never be the same again.


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