# If your father had just died?



## JosefinaHW (Nov 21, 2015)

Let me ask the rest of you. If your beloved father had recently died, the first of your beloved parents to die. How would you feel it someone mocked that death? It has now become my experience that despite my whole-hearted, commitment to my faith, the death of your first beloved parent is a something that rattles your entire existence. Despite all whole-hearted faith and optimism, your life is changed forever. There really are no words, especially if you are an extremely sensitive person.

If someone were to mock your grief, or how "funny" they may SEEM to you, what would you feel in response to their mockery?

How would you react to such a terrible insult to one of the most difficult things that will ever occur in your life?

Try and put yourself in my shoes, the shoes of a very sensitive person, a person with the exquisite sensitivity of an artist. 

Would you let anyone mock that pain? Would their supposed "humor" really be funny?


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## DavidA (Dec 14, 2012)

I was in the position some 30 years ago when my own father suddenly died of a heart attack at a relatively young age. It is an absolutely devastating experience which, as you say, changes your life and perspective forever. Thankfully I was never in the position where someone mocked my dad's death - I can't imagine anyone doing such a thing.


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## Woodduck (Mar 17, 2014)

It's hard to imagine who would mock you for grieving the death of a parent, unless the mocker were heartless or motivated by hatred for you. Has this actually happened to you? You might be speaking of an actual experience, but you speak entirely in the conditional - "if" - and offer no concrete details, so it's really impossible to be sure.

You ask others how they would react in such a situation as if you're unsure of how to react yourself, but your reaction would depend on who was mocking you and what their relationship was to you; you'd presumably feel, and respond, differently to cruelty by a friend or a relative than to similar behavior by a casual acquaintance. Not knowing the details, no one can know how they would react in a similar situation, or presume to advise you. But then, you may not be looking for advice, but merely sympathy. Conceivably, you might be testing people, looking for certain reactions. You do state up front that you have some people on ignore. Why do that, and why make a point of telling us? Would you expect mockery from others if you didn't?

You've presented the forum with an alarming and enigmatic scenario. My feeling is that if you're really going through this, the forum is not an effective place to deal with it. You need to talk with other family members or close friends, or alternatively someone with counseling experience, to whom you can tell the details of the situation. 

Good luck.


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## CnC Bartok (Jun 5, 2017)

Condolences. 

It's their problem, not yours. 

I lost both parents within a year of each other. The normal behaviour is to mourn. It's unspeakably horrid what ever age you are when it happens. Oddly, though, the privilege of delivering both their eulogies will stick with me as a good memory, I hope that doesn't sound wrong. And yes I did sneak in a couple of gentle jokes, they did relieve the sense of gloom.....

Clearly though, the one mocking has problems. Anonymity online can allow all sorts of dark things to come out, especially as there "are no consequences"(sic). It's an extension of road rage, if you like.

If it's here, report them to the moderators. Sorry if this seems vacuous or platitudinous.


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## Art Rock (Nov 28, 2009)

My condolences, this is indeed one of the worst things to happen in one's life.

I lost my mother when I was 34 (she was 64, cancer), and my father when I was 56 (old age at 85, worsened by Parkinson). The death of my father was of course far more easy to come to terms with, the death of my mother was devastating.

Anyone mocking you about this is an absolute low life (unfortunately you encounter them on the web). Indeed, if this happened at TC, report it to the mods.


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## eugeneonagain (May 14, 2017)

I feel its best not to reveal these deeply personal experiences on the internet because the variables are too unknown. It was hard enough for me to speak about it with people I know in offline life.

If someone who is otherwise decent seems to mock, it may well be a misunderstanding or an attempt at levity gone wrong. If not and the person is not a friend, then it's not worth the anguish. Only care about the attitudes of the people you care about.


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## Zofia (Jan 24, 2019)

My condolences and prayers I am greatly sorry for this loss. Some people deal with this experience with the black humour it is how they cope with bad news. My friend is like this a good person but very much sardonic (?) at times. I could not tell if there is true malice directed at you though.

If you think there was they I say best avoid this person. Why waste the time especially now when you grieve not worh it.

I do not say this to comfort you but we are brought into the world with our parents knowledge we will die and in their view hopefully they will die before us. Yet we still choose to have children despite the knowledge why? I believe it is because we will see each other again when the time comes...

The pain you feel is the selfish pain I know my Grandfather died last year. We weep for those left behind your Father is at peace and I am sure you will see him again in future one day.

Kind Wishes,

Zofia


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## Krummhorn (Feb 18, 2007)

Father died at age 73 in 1990, Mother died at age 71 in 1991. 

I, being an organist, played for both of their funerals, the two most difficult church services I have ever played in my life. 

Never mocked by anyone how I felt about their deaths ... There is not a day that passes that I don't think of them as they were responsible for getting me really interested in music and becoming a pianist and later an organist. 

There are people who just don't want to deal with others who have had a recent loss of a parent or grandparent because they themselves have, most likely, not had it happen to them. Their day will come. 

Sorry for your loss though ... it isn't easy and the grief never goes totally away.


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## Zofia (Jan 24, 2019)

Krummhorn said:


> Krummhorn


Sorry to hear but I think you should take pride you could play for them. It would look to me a great honour for das Kind (child?) to play for their parent. I would definitely have this as my wish from my future child. It was very touching to read especially as my Mother is sick and has asked if she should pass I play for her. Thank you and thank all for sharing.


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## ldiat (Jan 27, 2016)

my condolences. My Dad passed in '93. i still think about it. i kinda told them to "pull the plug" He was having heart attacks after heart attacks and was trashing around and pulling the IV's out. and the doctors and nurses in the ICU kept trying to bring him back. could not handle and watching him go through this time after time....so i told the doctors no more. my mother was in first stages of dementia. and my sister was kinda of out of it. had to make the decision. still think about it. will never forget..


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## Barbebleu (May 17, 2015)

My father died in 1982 when I was 33. He was only 62. My mum survived him by 28 years. Hard for my siblings and myself but worse, I think, for her. No one mocked either of their deaths and truth to tell, I've never heard of such a thing within my sphere. If someone has done this to you then you have my sympathy. I can't think what would lead someone to do that particularly if you are acquainted with them. Simply despicable. I agree with Woodduck. This forum is not really the place for discussions like this.


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## geralmar (Feb 15, 2013)

If someone mocked my father's death I would simply cut off relationship with that person-- or at least minimize contact with that person until circumstances changed towards my liking. I wouldn't brood about it because the world is full of callous idiots and they are easy to replace as friends-- relatives admittedly not so easy. Anyway, it reflects entirely on the mocker and I think in consolation it is beneficial to learn exactly what a person actually is when the mask is dropped. Please accept that I am not giving advice-- only telling how I have learned to handle boors.

Otherwise very disconcerting thread. I have a somewhat analogous problem. My father is 94 and obviously nearing the end of his life. He lives several states away and although we have several cordial telephone conversations a year we haven't met face to face in more than a decade. (My mother died more than two decades ago; my brother died two years ago.) My father is closer to my wife and they talk on the telephone regularly. Last summer I was astounded to learn from my wife that my father is convinced I despise him-- my stepmother has been feeding him this lie for decades and my father cannot be persuaded otherwise. When I tried to speak with him on the telephone it quickly became apparent there was a second person in the room telling him to hang up on me. (He kept breaking away saying things like, "Please I'm not finished," and " I just need a couple more minutes. ") I have no clue what my stepmother has against me and why she has nursed this grudge for fifty years. My parents divorced when I was in high school; but I have never resented my father remarrying and I have always been respectful to my stepmother-- and it wasn't an act. It can't be the will because all I get is a set of longhorn bull's horns to hang above the bookcase (my father is a Texan) and I'm fine with that. Anyway, it's clear my father is resigned to carrying my "hatred" of him to his grave and I haven't a clue how to get him to change his mind as long as his wife stands between us.


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## aleazk (Sep 30, 2011)

My father died 4 years ago. I was 26 and he 58. It was the most horrific thing it ever happened to me, both the actual event and the 5 years steady physical and mental decadence that lead to it. Some days after the funeral and all that, I had some casual meeting with a highschool friend which I had not seen in years. In the final two years, I was in another city due to my studies, so I only visited my father (in a clinic) a couple of times per year. He wasn't him anymore, one could barely establish any dialogue, it was a living dead. The visits were terrible experiences to me. So, this 'friend' asked me if I didn't feel 'guilty' because I was in another city while my father was in his last years. I found the question rather silly and a bit sadistic. Suddenly, I remembered why I tended to avoid this person after finishing highschool. He also made some other sadistic remarks. Anyway, it didn't affect me much because I knew there was nothing to see in those years more than suffering. In some moments of lucidity, my father even made tacit remarks about a necessary distance from my part, he also wanted to pass that time alone, since he also didn't feel comfortable in meeting people. So, don't pay attention to what people say, your father and his memory is bigger than that and you know it. Comfort in that memory and accept the pain. It will never go, but the years make it a familiar presence and you come to somewhat accept that.


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## BalalaikaBoy (Sep 25, 2014)

What a morbid post. I would probably be angry that someone was trying to poke at me during a rare time when I was vulnerable, but I don't think I'd feel particularly "hurt" by it. The pain of the real loss would affect me, but someone bringing it up verbally to me is just like "okay...the grass is green. Your words don't change anything."


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## Krummhorn (Feb 18, 2007)

Zofia said:


> Sorry to hear but I think you should take pride you could play for them. It would look to me a great honour for das Kind (child?) to play for their parent.


I do pride myself being able to play for their services; I also believe that it would have been their request as well. It was a very emotional time since it had just been a couple days since their passing that their respective services were held.


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## Zofia (Jan 24, 2019)

Krummhorn said:


> I do pride myself being able to play for their services; I also believe that it would have been their request as well. It was a very emotional time since it had just been a couple days since their passing that their respective services were held.


I am sure it was I cannot imagine but I am glad you see it that way. Hopefully in many decades to come if I am called to play for my parents I will think of you and draw the courage.

@Jose it is clear this man or woman is not deserving of your friendship you have been most kind to me and I only ever see kindness from you to others. Not that otherwise would make what they did accepted but it is much worse as you are a good person.

I hope you take solace from our prayers I lit a candle for you and your Father.


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## DaveM (Jun 29, 2015)

Josefina, so sorry to hear about your father. My father passed several years ago. There probably isn’t a day that I don’t think of him. Eventually I think the sadness you’re experiencing will be replaced by warm memories, but it will take time.


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## JosefinaHW (Nov 21, 2015)

CnC Bartok said:


> Condolences.
> 
> It's their problem, not yours.
> 
> ...


Thank you very much for your response. My sincerest condolences to you for your loss, too.


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## JosefinaHW (Nov 21, 2015)

DavidA said:


> I was in the position some 30 years ago when my own father suddenly died of a heart attack at a relatively young age. It is an absolutely devastating experience which, as you say, changes your life and perspective forever. Thankfully I was never in the position where someone mocked my dad's death - I can't imagine anyone doing such a thing.


It wouldn't seem that condolences are every too late, David. I am sorry for you loss.


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## JosefinaHW (Nov 21, 2015)

Art Rock said:


> My condolences, this is indeed one of the worst things to happen in one's life.
> 
> I lost my mother when I was 34 (she was 64, cancer), and my father when I was 56 (old age at 85, worsened by Parkinson). The death of my father was of course far more easy to come to terms with, the death of my mother was devastating.
> 
> Anyone mocking you about this is an absolute low life (unfortunately you encounter them on the web). Indeed, if this happened at TC, report it to the mods.


Thank you, Art Rock. My condolences to you too.


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## JosefinaHW (Nov 21, 2015)

eugeneonagain said:


> I feel its best not to reveal these deeply personal experiences on the internet because the variables are too unknown. It was hard enough for me to speak about it with people I know in offline life.
> 
> If someone who is otherwise decent seems to mock, it may well be a misunderstanding or an attempt at levity gone wrong. If not and the person is not a friend, then it's not worth the anguish. Only care about the attitudes of the people you care about.


Thank you for your thoughts, EO. I like your new avatar very much.


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## JosefinaHW (Nov 21, 2015)

Zofia said:


> My condolences and prayers I am greatly sorry for this loss. Some people deal with this experience with the black humour it is how they cope with bad news. My friend is like this a good person but very much sardonic (?) at times. I could not tell if there is true malice directed at you though.
> 
> If you think there was they I say best avoid this person. Why waste the time especially now when you grieve not worh it.
> 
> ...


Thank you Zofia and I am very glad that you are a member here at TC. Yes, I firmly believe but there is still the human in us that doesn't distance itself from this earth until we get closer to our own time. :kiss:


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## JosefinaHW (Nov 21, 2015)

Krummhorn said:


> Father died at age 73 in 1990, Mother died at age 71 in 1991.
> 
> I, being an organist, played for both of their funerals, the two most difficult church services I have ever played in my life.
> 
> ...


My condolences to you too, Krummhorn. Our shared humanity is one of the most helpful things. I thank your parents for you and your love of music.


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## JosefinaHW (Nov 21, 2015)

ldiat said:


> my condolences. My Dad passed in '93. i still think about it. i kinda told them to "pull the plug" He was having heart attacks after heart attacks and was trashing around and pulling the IV's out. and the doctors and nurses in the ICU kept trying to bring him back. could not handle and watching him go through this time after time....so i told the doctors no more. my mother was in first stages of dementia. and my sister was kinda of out of it. had to make the decision. still think about it. will never forget..


I have always had a sense that you are a very courageous person, Idiat. I am sorry that you had to go through that but how merciful you were. (I am no expert, but when someone I knew had a major heart attack, he was on morphine. Despite the agitation you saw, I hope your dad's mind was not feeling anything terrible, it was his body that was saying it was ready to die--be set free. :kiss:


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## JosefinaHW (Nov 21, 2015)

geralmar said:


> (He kept breaking away saying things like, "Please I'm not finished," and " I just need a couple more minutes. ").


Dear Geralmar, Thank you for taking the time to respond to me despite your own anguish. Two very important things stand out in your response. First, your wife has been talking to your father. Second, and most importantly, you have heard him say he wants more time to talk to you. That doesn't sound like a man who hates you and the fact that she is preventing him from talking to you further might make it very clear to your father--if it hadn't long ago--that she was not being honest with him.

Just imagine yourself sending loving thoughts and the idea of white light directly into his heart and mind. And Trust. :angel:


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## JosefinaHW (Nov 21, 2015)

aleazk said:


> My father died 4 years ago. I was 26 and he 58. It was the most horrific thing it ever happened to me, both the actual event and the 5 years steady physical and mental decadence that lead to it. Some days after the funeral and all that, I had some casual meeting with a highschool friend which I had not seen in years. In the final two years, I was in another city due to my studies, so I only visited my father (in a clinic) a couple of times per year. He wasn't him anymore, one could barely establish any dialogue, it was a living dead. The visits were terrible experiences to me. So, this 'friend' asked me if I didn't feel 'guilty' because I was in another city while my father was in his last years. I found the question rather silly and a bit sadistic. Suddenly, I remembered why I tended to avoid this person after finishing highschool. He also made some other sadistic remarks. Anyway, it didn't affect me much because I knew there was nothing to see in those years more than suffering. In some moments of lucidity, my father even made tacit remarks about a necessary distance from my part, he also wanted to pass that time alone, since he also didn't feel comfortable in meeting people. So, don't pay attention to what people say, your father and his memory is bigger than that and you know it. Comfort in that memory and accept the pain. It will never go, but the years make it a familiar presence and you come to somewhat accept that.


Thank you and my condolences to you.


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## JosefinaHW (Nov 21, 2015)

DaveM said:


> Josefina, so sorry to hear about your father. My father passed several years ago. There probably isn't a day that I don't think of him. Eventually I think the sadness you're experiencing will be replaced by warm memories, but it will take time.


Thank you, Dave. He died on january 4, 2017. I was very clearly told not to let anyone give a time limit to the intensity of my grief. I am more and more frequently smiling when I see something new that my father would have liked to see, too. When I catch myself doing that it is a very powerful experience.


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## Larkenfield (Jun 5, 2017)

This is essentially a forum of impersonal strangers and sharing sensitive or personal information can easily receive an insensitive reply and I would never recommend it, if one has a highly sensitive nature and the loss of a parent was recent. I just wouldn’t do it.


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## SixFootScowl (Oct 17, 2011)

Larkenfield said:


> This is essentially a forum of impersonal strangers and sharing sensitive or personal information can be easily misunderstood and I would never recommend it if one has a highly sensitive nature and the loss of a parent recently happened.


Good point. I take my deep personal problems to trusted friends who have been proved trustworthy and who I know in person. That said, it is a horrible thing for someone to mock a person who died. It is very hurtful to the friends and family of the deceased. I can only hope the person was such a bungling oaf that they didn't mean it, but then that is another bad situation for them. There is certainly a lack of kindness in the world. Oh, there is kindness in the world, but we could use a whole lot more, ten-fold, a hundred-fold, and more.


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## JosefinaHW (Nov 21, 2015)

Larkenfield said:


> This is essentially a forum of impersonal strangers and sharing sensitive or personal information can easily receive an insensitive reply and I would never recommend it, if one has a highly sensitive nature and the loss of a parent was recent. I just wouldn't do it.


Larkenfield, For other people's sake, should I ask that this thread be deleted?


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## Joe B (Aug 10, 2017)

Jose,

I'm sorry for your loss. Losing someone you love is devastating. The profound sense of numbness and timeless nature to the trauma is life altering. You will never be the same, but you will survive.

As to your questions:
I answered them but then deleted everything I wrote. The best you can do is banish this person's existence from your world. Do not waste any energy on them,....they no longer exist. Let God forgive them. If you feel the need, pray that God has mercy on them when they experience the karma for their act.


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## JosefinaHW (Nov 21, 2015)

Joe B said:


> Jose,
> 
> I'm sorry for your loss. Losing someone you love is devastating. The profound sense of numbness and timeless nature to the trauma is life altering. You will never be the same, but you will survive.
> 
> ...


Thank you very much, Joe, I am sorry that the same thing has happened to you.

(My goal is to get to the point where my very first reaction is to feel empathy for whatever has caused that person so much pain. Unfortunately I don't think with my personality that I will ever get there, but...)

Again, thank you and I'm sorry it happened to you too. :kiss:


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## JosefinaHW (Nov 21, 2015)

geralmar said:


> My father is closer to my wife and they talk on the telephone regularly. Last summer I was astounded to learn from my wife that my father is convinced I despise him-- my stepmother has been feeding him this lie for decades and my father cannot be persuaded otherwise. When I tried to speak with him on the telephone it quickly became apparent there was a second person in the room telling him to hang up on me. (He kept breaking away saying things like, "Please I'm not finished," and " I just need a couple more minutes. "


Geralmar, I've been thinking about your situation a bit more. This is one possible course of action: I don't know if your mother-in-law is listening in on the conversation when your dad is talking to your wife, but, say she is. Talk to your wife about this before hand, of course. The next time your wife calls your dad--and maybe she could make that call very soon--you be on the other line in your home.

_ I am assuming that you are a dinosaur like me and still have a landline (if not you can get conference call function added to your cellphone service for a short time, if you don't already have it)

_You jump into the conversation and tell your dad how much you've wanted to tell him you love him and that you don't have any idea why you thought he didn't love you or vice versa.Sure, I'd like to say have your wife ask your dad if it would be ok if you joined the conversation, but if your mother-in-law is listening in that might not give you enough time.Something to consider.


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