# Music Puns



## Tikoo Tuba

Ain't Baroque , don't fix it .


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## Totenfeier

"Get Bach, get Bach, get Bach to where you once belonged..."


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## Art Rock

I'll never be able to Handel the mis-pronunciation of Bach.


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## Pat Fairlea

"My husband is senior Ukrainian academic"

"Yes? Profokiev?"

"No. Odessa"

*This pun is brought to you by International Friends of the Non-Sequitur. For further details, rinse and repeat*


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## Tikoo Tuba

I can tune a piano , but , no I can't tune a fish .


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## CnC Bartok

The Martian met Schubert: "Take me to your Lieder"

Bach's Organ Works, sponsored by Pfizer


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## Iota

Tikoo Tuba said:


> I can't tune a fish .


I'd have thought it'd be easy with all those scales.


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## Tikoo Tuba

Haplessly up against the wall . we surrendered to Paco Bell's canon .


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## Allegro Con Brio

I'm not creative enough, so I'll take this classic before someone else does:

Why couldn't Mozart find his music teacher?

Because he was Haydn.


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## Room2201974

Etude, don't play it sad
Take a bad song
And learn it better


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## Tikoo Tuba

Iota said:


> I'd have thought it'd be easy with all those scales.


Perhaps you have caught and tuned a bass ?

G, DAD , your fiddle plays so folksy .

Too much sax and violins in opera ... YAKS !!!!


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## Totenfeier

Art Rock said:


> I'll never be able to Handel the mis-pronunciation of Bach.


Oh, for Pete's...all right.

BA (clears phlegm from throat)

van GO (clears phlegm from throat)

Do you like DAT? Is DIS how DESE are pronounced? DERE you are!


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## Room2201974

As the applause died down, the musician spoke to the audience saying, "Thanks for coming out tonight. I hope you enjoyed Machaut."


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## Tikoo Tuba

Sorry about last night . It was only Bartok .


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## Room2201974

I went fishing the other day and had no luck. I had a few on, but I'm afraid I didn't Landini.


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## Tikoo Tuba

Trebly , hand-in-hand, we leapt from the cleft and into the deep , dark C .
We sang as we sunk .
Blub Blub Blub .
AAAAAAAAA !
oh , God .
Fine .


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## adriesba

I'm too Bizet to make a pun . . .


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## Tikoo Tuba

Shh , sonata 'nother word .


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## Tikoo Tuba

Clara Netty Dium .
Yes , she Bb .

And what of Opera Winfrey ? 
ppf !


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## Tikoo Tuba

I feel so soft , solo , so small .
I , the diminished piano .

Holst me close .

Love my Daug .


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## Tikoo Tuba

Handel , always gently a baby .


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## ldiat

i started to sing near a crowd... they all said "go sing solo so-lo we can't hear you" so i stated i will sing tenor they then said "yes tenor ten or 15 miles away"!


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## Roger Knox

ldiat said:


> they all said "go sing solo so-lo we can't hear you" so i stated i will sing tenor they then said "yes tenor ten or 15 miles away"!


My voice is lo and I will not tolerate such bass insults.


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## Tikoo Tuba

Go anDante ! To hell with you .


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## Room2201974

You need a piccolo, I got em. Just give me a call here at Luigi's Dallapiccola!


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## premont

This is a classic:

Two great violinists attend a recital of a collegue.

Violinist 1: I didn't know he could play that well.
Violinist 2: Of course he can't, he is just faking.


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## Dorsetmike

ldiat said:


> i started to sing near a crowd... they all said "go sing solo so-lo we can't hear you" so i stated i will sing tenor they then said "yes tenor ten or 15 miles away"!


OR - can you sing "over the hills and far away" (the further the better)


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## Tikoo Tuba

"Lettuce scherzo Phia ," say the ghost .


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## Tikoo Tuba

Flute toot the moon . Hello , lovely little Earth !


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## adriesba

That's Verdi thoughtful of you . . . !


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## adriesba

Guest: I would like Rossini with marinara sauce.

Waiter: You mean rotini?

Guest: No. I'm trying not to overdo the carbs today. Hold the noodles. 
I'll have a bowl of marinara sauce with some _Il barbiere di Siviglia_.


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## erki

I like my noodles andante.


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## Tikoo Tuba

Does fermated cabbage give you pause ?


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## Tikoo Tuba

Doctor , Doctor ! She has become mad ! Opera ate on her soul .


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## adriesba

Tikoo Tuba said:


> Doctor , Doctor ! She has become mad ! Opera ate on her soul .


Probably my favorite one so far.


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## Tikoo Tuba

Sixty ? That's nonsense !! We have only 6 minuets in an hour .

And classically : Old musicians never die , they just decompose .


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## Tikoo Tuba

Recipe for Singing Cookies

40 measure mixing bowl
stemmed white notes
Ray and Me brand accents

Bend all the notes until stems fall off .
Place the whole 'beans' into mixing bowl .
With vibrato , mix 'beans' and accents .
Mash . Slur until sticky . This is the Dough Ray Me

Bake cookies on oven music sheet . 442 degrees
Inspect for doneness . When tinked with a fork the
cookies should ring like little bells .

To Make Glissando Frosting : Hertz the stems in a micro-wave
for a time and a half . They will painfully cry out , arise , then 
come to rest in a puddle of goodness .


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## Room2201974

Did you hear what happened to Moe? He ruptured his hemiola, and now there's nothing left of Moe's heart.


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## Tikoo Tuba

Car-men ? Please slow down . Tempo , tempo , tempo !



History of the Tempo

The design and life of the Tempo began in the late 1970s as Ford was gearing to build towards a more ergonomic, more efficient, and aerodynamic design philosophy. The new design philosophy rested in part due to aging vehicle platforms, and two oil embargoes which led to a rise in more fuel-efficient import vehicle sales. Taking note of this, Ford set out to revolutionize the automotive industry, and would later lay the groundwork for three revolutionary vehicles: The 1983 Thunderbird (and its counterpart the Mercury Cougar), the 1984 Tempo, and a car to be released in 1986, the Taurus. In December 1978, wind tunnel testing began on the Tempo, with more than 450 hours of testing resulting in more than 950 different design changes. As part of these changes, the Tempo and Topaz both featured a 60° windshield, matching that of the new Thunderbird and Cougar. Also new were the aircraft-inspired door frames, which originally appeared on the Thunderbird/Cougar. These door frames wrapped up over the edge of the roof, improved sealing, allowed for hidden drip rails, and cleaned up the A-pillar area of the car significantly. The rear track was also widened, creating more aerodynamic efficiency.


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## Tikoo Tuba

Ban Joe forever ? Then I shall follow the bannd , 
2/4 away , with half-steps , gong slowly .


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## Tikoo Tuba

Staccato in the mud . Hopeless .


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## Tikoo Tuba

It's easy , Piccolo Peach . Life is so sweet .


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## Tikoo Tuba

A Daug elevated my perfect D-Ay .


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## Tikoo Tuba

And now , to introduce our evening's excitable Brass Trio : Fran Chorney , Sexsay Foner and
Tom Boener .


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## Tikoo Tuba

Saints of Music , stand here .
This aria is Zart in heaven .

bye


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## Tikoo Tuba

Coffee cup puns are fun .


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## Room2201974

Sung to the tune of Jimi Hendrix's _Hey Joe_:

Hey Joe
Where you going with
_Jeux d'eau_ in your hands?


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## TMHeimer

My percussion section isn't the brightest.. It's cymbalic.


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## Room2201974

What do the works of Bach, Beethoven and Brahms have in common with historical arctic explorers???? Fughatos!


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## Tikoo Tuba

May I take your order ?
We'll have the Pizza Cata , please .
Siamese or Persian ?
Oh , Purrrrsian .
Beverages ?
Yes , Cata Tonic D for me . And you , dear ?
A .
DNA ?
Yes , thank you .

....

Allegro the frog forte king a leap of faith


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## Tikoo Tuba

Hey , Retards ! Drink Corona Virus Beer . 'Tis the good medicine .


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## Totenfeier

A certain king, wishing to provide aesthetic uplift to his subjects, ordered that all the paintings and sculptures be removed from their places in his palace and arranged on the lawn in front of the watery fortification ditch that surrounded his castle. Heralds were then dispatched to the four corners of the kingdom, who announced to one and all: "Hear ye! Here ye! The king invites one and all, pauper, priest and plowman, to come and relish the sight of his moat's art!"


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## Room2201974

Room2201974 said:


> What do the works of Bach, Beethoven and Brahms have in common with historical arctic explorers???? Fughatos!


Few got toes!

.


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## Roger Knox

Room2201974 said:


> Few got toes!


Got it now (yikes ...)


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## Die Forelle

The puns are music to my ears. Please, go on. I’ll take notes.


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## Tikoo Tuba

Shh... listen . Hear that ?
Ya.
It's coming from the bushes near the Greek Deli .
Ya . Could it be a homeless person playing a little drum ?
Hum , not quite .
What then ?
My dear , I do believe it's a Metro Gnome .


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## Room2201974

Why did JS Bach have so many children? Because he pulled out all the stops on his organ.


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## Tikoo Tuba

Die Forelle said:


> The puns are music to my ears. Please, go on. I'll take notes.


She , the trout , makes notes of the mellow
deep pool of the stream


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## Tikoo Tuba

" Upon maestrolling through the meadow I saw Clara net a butterfly , " said Tim Punny .


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## Luchesi

I entered 10 puns in a pun contest hoping one would win,


..but no pun in ten did.


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## Tikoo Tuba

G-lory be to our 
Sha-vi-or ,
Samuel Barber of Seville !


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## Tikoo Tuba

Fine' , aaaaaa !! Bye . Eeeee !


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## Tikoo Tuba

A mellow Deist gives you lullaby .


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## Tikoo Tuba

Hey , you stepped in it .
What ?
It's stinky .
What .
It's your shoe , Bert .


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## adriesba

Hey, John, get Bach in your Cage!

There's a Bach in my Cage?

Yes, it's a river of tears from all those who suffered through 4'976".

But that's not a real composition.

It is, because you don't need to play it to play it.

Huh?

Look in the Beethoven.

There's an oven just for beets?

No, beats.

Hey, why did you burn my shoe?

Is your Schubert?

No, my shoe is not named Bert.

Sorry, I thought you would like your piano shoes prepared just like your prepared pianos.

I think you need some Tchaikovsky.

Can I listen to the Bernstein Bears Band first?

No, I mean Chai coffee.

-----------------------------------

I don't even know who's talking at this point. So that's it. That was terrible, sorry.


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## Luchesi

Is Beethoven "beet yard"?


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## Tikoo Tuba

Luchesi said:


> Is Beethoven "beet yard"?


How about " the flower garden is home " ?


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## Totenfeier

Two farmers are standing idly in a field, chatting, when an incomprehensibly alien machine suddenly pops into existence before them. The hatch opens, and two incomprehensibly alien aliens descend a short ladder to the ground. One advances toward the farmers, and through his vocoder device, announces to them: "please...do...not...be...a-larmed. we...come...in...peace. we...tra-vel...the...u-ni-verse...loo-king...for...ex-am-ples...of...a...gen-re...of...mu-sic...en-joyed... through-out...the...un-i-verse. take...us...to...your...lied-er."


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## Tikoo Tuba

_Oh , Lordy , who is Zart in Heaven 
a halo be thy name ..._

zart : a German composer's musical direction that translates
as tenderness , delicacy .


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## Tikoo Tuba

Phil's Harmonica Orchestra


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## Tikoo Tuba

Welcome to the A. Pauling Concert Hall . We begin tonight's pogram with a march .


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## Tikoo Tuba

Our con duck tor will now lead the phony synth quacks in this rendition of March of The Pair o' Docs .


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## Totenfeier

Oh, for tuna, my cat will do anything.


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## Tikoo Tuba

Aria a joker ? I arrr said the pirate .


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## Tikoo Tuba

Hey , you !

Me ? I donut raison I have fah t' go . So long .


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## Tikoo Tuba

Tikoo Tuba said:


> Me ? I donut raison I have fah t' go . So long .


and there's a punny melody within this ? sure
*
... me... do ... ra ... fa ... te ... so ... la*


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## Tikoo Tuba

As the one sharp person among us , Gigi is key to our success . 
And so humble . She helps us believe we are a grand staff .


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## Tikoo Tuba

A raggedy and colorful woman enters an ornate lobby . She carries a suitcase and approaches the Tickets counter .

Shall arrive the bassoon ?
Let's see . Yes , it enters at 4minutes 33seconds with a thrilling honk . Would you like to purchase a ticket ?
I haven't money much .
Tickets in the rear are much less expensive .
Nicely very , ok .
Your seat number will be 978 .
Oh ! A crazy long bassoon comes for me .


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## Tikoo Tuba

Thank you , Grace , for the beautiful card and especially the kindness of your note . I am tickled with excitement and even more-so , I believe I feel a trill coming on .


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## Tikoo Tuba

When de soap ran o'Ver-di moon 
and her luna seas b'Scriabin'd holy 
by dot old Scot of Misery Mo 
witsa Happy Rag our moon so 
Holst a new shine > Jop!


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## ToneDeaf&Senile

Not a 'pun', but a quote from that source of so much musical witticism, Sir Thomas Beecham. Here he admonishes a female cellist who he feels isn't playing up to potential:

*"Madam, you have between your legs an instrument capable of giving pleasure to thousands and all you can do is scratch it."*


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## Guest

I tried calling the tinnitus hotline, but it just kept ringing.


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## Varick

Room2201974 said:


> As the applause died down, the musician spoke to the audience saying, "Thanks for coming out tonight. I hope you enjoyed Machaut."


That's one of those jokes that only work when read, not spoken. Well done!

V


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## Tikoo Tuba

Sonata worry , and profoundly un-trebled
we just hum down low


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## Tikoo Tuba

"My House Is A Steinway" .... words and music by a nonny mouse .


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## superhorn

I h ear John Adams has written a major new work for piano dedicated to a famous comedienne . It's called the "Whoopi Goldberg Variations :".


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## geralmar




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## geralmar




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## Tikoo Tuba

Allow us , oh , lawless , to play the Korunn drums as One .


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## Tikoo Tuba

Opus M , by Stu Potts of Kentucky . Dinner music for o'possum stew with with wild onions and sliced baby taters .


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## progmatist

What do you call it when one tosses a plectrum on the ground?


Pick of the litter.


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## Tikoo Tuba

*musical puns 2*

Tadpole in a pond
Time, time
And the season! arrives
Allegro
Allegro
Allegro
Allegro


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## Tikoo Tuba

Falling, falling down
Tuba low and further low
A sinking tone so low
until
Tuba low zero

Ice


_____________


ABCDEFG
(all words will be made from these letters)


Aged Cage dead
Deaf be faded
Edge defaced


to be punny, play it as a tune


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## Tikoo Tuba

Bless us, Diesis. Arise from the C, sis, to
make love with us's in the arr by the light
of the quarter moon.

The Sailors' Invocation


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## Tikoo Tuba

Running a race I broke an old record. But it was an accident...
chased by Grandma's monkey 97 times 'round the grand. 
Making a new record is fun.

-----------------

* tea cello gaunt lee die moo sick
*


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## Roger Knox

Musicians specializing in historically informed performance of Handel are thinking outside of the Bachs.


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## David Phillips

An elderly lady telephones a London Music shop and asks the young assistant if they have a copy of a Victorian ballad entitled, 'Could I but express in song.' The assistant spends twenty minutes looking for, Kodaly, 'Buttocks pressing song.'


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## superhorn

I hear there's a new movie coming out about a gay affair between Bach and Telemann . It's called "Baroque Bach Mountain ".


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