# When loved ones are at odds with your musical tastes...



## Orpheus (Jul 15, 2012)

Others are invited to contribute their own experiences to this thead, be they sad, funny, frustrating, enlightening, bizzare, or anything in between.

I'll start the ball rolling with what I thought was a particularly fine example from recent experience:

*Spouse:* "Ugh, why are you listening to that awful 'Trout' again? Aren't you tired of it yet? Because I certainly am. You've been playing it over and over for days on end."

*Me:* "Er, Haydn's 'Trout' quartet?"

*Spouse:* "Whatever. I thought it was by Schubert actually. The point is that you keep playing it, and I'm fed up with hearing it."

*Me:* "I was listening to some of Haydn's string QUARtets, as it happens. Pretty sure I haven't heard any Schubert at all, let alone the 'Trout' QUINtet, in the last few days. I think I might have had some Beethoven on yesterday though. Does he count as Schubert for the purpose of complaining at me?"

*Spouse*, without the least sign of contrition: "Oh, well, I thought they sounded pretty much the same."

*Me:* "The 'Trout' is a piano quintet, not to bore you with further details. That means it contains a piano in addition to four stringed instruments. A string quartet, such as what is playing right now, which is the genre that I have mostly been listening to lately, contains four stringed instruments as its name implies, and NO piano. Can you really not tell the difference?"

*Spouse,* with heavy sarcasm: "Not really, no. But thanks for telling me the difference between a piano quintet and a string quartet. Not that I didn't know what a piano is already."

*Me:* "I'm not disputing that you know perfectly well what a piano is. More to the point, can't you tell the difference between music featuring a piano and music featuring no piano?"

*Spouse*, rather grumpily: "Not in this case, no."

*Me:* "No wonder you can't tell the difference between Schubert and Haydn, or between me playing one piece over and over, and many different pieces..."


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## MarkW (Feb 16, 2015)

Well, the onvious answer is: either suck it up or file for divorce.


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## Nereffid (Feb 6, 2013)

MarkW said:


> Well, the onvious answer is: either suck it up or file for divorce.


Advice to Orpheus or to Spouse? :lol:


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## Guest (Jan 6, 2018)

I would not expect people to to share tastes in anything. Even if both did like A,B and C, one may be wanting to hear A when the other is not in the mood for A but wants C or B.

We have two downstairs rooms and I listen to my music in one and my partner leaves me to it, since she has no interest or liking for the vast majority of the music I listen to. Music is only a very minor part of her life, anyway. 

Surely, unless one has insufficient rooms (or no headphones) this need not be an issue? I would not wish to be exposed regularly to music I did not like and could not avoid, and would not expect anyone else to be. How many people would want to listen to Elliott Carter followed by the Dillinger Escape Plan? Certainly not my partner!


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## schigolch (Jun 26, 2011)

You all know, sometimes these things just happen... Enough for me to say that my wife is now regretting that she bought me a marimba as a gift not long ago... But nothing serious, we are still going along very well.


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## Art Rock (Nov 28, 2009)

When my wife and I are listening to music together, we pick music we both like. For instance Bach, Mozart, Mendelssohn, David Sylvian, Tori Amos, Pink Floyd. A lot of times we listen to our own choice of music in separate rooms. Works fine this way.


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## Joe B (Aug 10, 2017)

My wife loves most of what I play and enjoys hearing music that is new to her, and sometimes new to the both of us. If I know or believe I'm going to play something that she won't appreciate, I break out the headphones to avoid any unnecessary drama at home. However, if I torture her on occasion with my listening choices, I'll be sure to play one of her favorites to ensure that critical mass is not achieved.


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## Haydn man (Jan 25, 2014)

If I am listening to something my wife does not like, I am usually informed of this with a pithy comment to that effect.
Cue to change to something she does like
Simple


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## Blancrocher (Jul 6, 2013)

If my wife tells me she dislikes a particular composer, I usually try to slip something by him/her into the rotation periodically without letting on that I did so. However, it usually takes less than a minute for her to notice and say something like, "Wait a minute...this is Brahms, isn't it?"


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## Triplets (Sep 4, 2014)

MarkW said:


> Well, the onvious answer is: either suck it up or file for divorce.


My ex wife's first words to me after she sent me the Divorce Papers were "Now I'll never have to listen to Classical Music ever again!"


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## eugeneonagain (May 14, 2017)

Triplets said:


> My ex wife's first words to me after she sent me the Divorce Papers were "Now I'll never have to listen to Classical Music ever again!"


To which the reply should be: "My dear, I doubt you were ever listening to it".


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## Botschaft (Aug 4, 2017)

I’m noticing an interesting pattern in this thread that I will have to contemplate...


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## LezLee (Feb 21, 2014)

I was really lucky in that my husband and I liked almost all the same classical music, differing only in his love of the Rite of Spring and my dislike of it. In other genres, I agreed not to play Austrian yodelling in his presence if he didn’t play Peggy Lee in mine. We shared a devotion to Shostakovich, Copland, the Velvet Underground and Meatloaf. :lol:


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## SixFootScowl (Oct 17, 2011)

My wife is an early elementary teacher and only likes the music she uses with the kids. She can't stand my music and thinks opera is absurd, even making a goofy mock singing sound, which does not annoy me, but amuses me. Sadly, it means she just doesn't get it. But it could be worse. What if she was heavily into Barry Manilow or others of his ilk? I resolve the issue by mostly listening on a single earbud, which allows me plenty of listening time while doing things around the house or shopping.


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## Triplets (Sep 4, 2014)

eugeneonagain said:


> To which the reply should be: "My dear, I doubt you were ever listening to it".


:tiphat:
Where were you when I was paying that expensive Divorce Attorney?


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## Pugg (Aug 8, 2014)

I feel I am blessed we share a lot music together, if not we just play it when alone.


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## Funny (Nov 30, 2013)

The other members of my family don't love Haydn as I do, but then, no one I've yet met does, so I don't hold that against them. Last year for my birthday in lieu of a present my wife agreed to sit still for the better part of an hour while I played and explained to her Haydn's Symphony #58. Maybe such an approach would work for OP with the quartets?


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## steph01 (Dec 21, 2016)

Earlier today I was listening to John Sheppard: Libera Nos, Salva Nos I by the Choir of Westminster Abbey and the other half was listening to S Club 7 - Don't Stop Movin' in the next room.


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## Pugg (Aug 8, 2014)

steph01 said:


> Earlier today I was listening to John Sheppard: Libera Nos, Salva Nos I by the Choir of Westminster Abbey and the other half was listening to S Club 7 - Don't Stop Movin' in the next room.


Mix it together and you've got a new music trend. :lol:


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## Botschaft (Aug 4, 2017)

Funny said:


> The other members of my family don't love Haydn as I do, but then, no one I've yet met does, so I don't hold that against them. Last year for my birthday in lieu of a present my wife agreed to sit still for the better part of an hour while I played and explained to her Haydn's Symphony #58. Maybe such an approach would work for OP with the quartets?


It seems that your wife hates music as much as Haydn's. :lol:


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## eugeneonagain (May 14, 2017)

None of my regular friends, the people I know from outside music, particularly like classical music. No-one in my biological family (I was fostered for quite a while) likes or liked classical music in particular, apart from my maternal grandfather.

I'm okay with this. My ex-wife likes all kinds of music and was fairly open to art music, particularly baroque. When I met her I found a CD of Bach's partitas for solo violin in her collection alongside the usual Vivaldi; she said the Bach made her heart ache. So that was encouraging. She didn't like much of the more difficult 20th century music, but she had tears in her eyes when I played her Prélude à l'après-midi d'un faune.

Every birthday I would write a little miniature for her, usually just piano and a solo instrument, get it recorded and give it to her. She carried them around, first on a Discman and then on her mp3 player. I actually miss her.

This is in contrast to the last woman I was with. She is actually a bass player, but is completely ignorant about so many sorts of music, including funk music. I ask you, a bass guitarist who is ignorant regarding funk music!?

I don't think my neighbours like classical music. Except for the religious woman, but she stops at Bach. She comes from a highly-religious, catholic background and thinks Bach is 'modern music' after plainchant.


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## TurnaboutVox (Sep 22, 2013)

Blancrocher said:


> If my wife tells me she dislikes a particular composer, I usually try to slip something by him/her into the rotation periodically without letting on that I did so. However, it usually takes less than a minute for her to notice and say something like, "Wait a minute...this is Brahms, isn't it?"


What exquisite taste Mme. Blancrocher possesses, Monsieur! :tiphat:


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## Botschaft (Aug 4, 2017)

TurnaboutVox said:


> What exquisite taste Mme. Blancrocher possesses, Monsieur! :tiphat:


Exquisitely bad, you mean.


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## pokeefe0001 (Jan 15, 2017)

I don't expect any specific person to match my musical likes and dislikes (although I'm sure that each like and dislike is shared by _somebody_ in this world. I certainly would not expect someone to tell Schubert from Haydn or a string quartet from a piano quintet if they weren't particularly interested in Haydn, Schubert, or chamber music. (I would expect them to notice a piano was involved in the Trout Quintet when hearing it. I would not expect them to know the the "Trout" was a piano quintet rather than a string quartet. Why should they?)



Orpheus said:


> *Spouse*, without the least sign of contrition: "Oh, well, I thought they sounded pretty much the same."


I don't see why contrition should be required or expected. If a person is not interested in a particular type of music (which may include all classical and romantic composers and all chamber music) then it probably _does_ sound pretty much the same: it all sounds like it belongs in the "Not Interested" bucket.



Orpheus said:


> *Me:* "I'm not disputing that you know perfectly well what a piano is. More to the point, can't you tell the difference between music featuring a piano and music featuring no piano?"
> 
> *Spouse*, rather grumpily: "Not in this case, no."
> 
> *Me:* "No wonder you can't tell the difference between Schubert and Haydn, or between me playing one piece over and over, and many different pieces..."


And now maybe you have learned something: your tastes in music aren't universal. Now you get to try accepting that without putting a value judgement on it.

My wife and I have fairly compatibly overlapping likes in music. She likes a much wider range of genre (some of which I strongly dislike). My likes are limited to classical (genre, not period) and some jazz, but maybe extend further forward and back in time than hers. We try not to inflict unwanted music on each other. Headphones help.


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## EdwardBast (Nov 25, 2013)

Sorry Orpheus, but I'm siding with your spouse on this one. Within the whole range of world music, high brow and popular, Haydn and Brahms are close enough to be lumped together, especially by someone with a distaste for their common style elements who has broader musical interests. You have perhaps noticed that Schubert and Haydn used the same number of movements in the same order, movements whose internal structures are broadly the same, not to mention similar phrase structures at the smaller level, similar cadences, and the same solo string instruments? If your spouse has not openly revolted by, say, calling your tastes narrow and your explanations to her pedantic, then I'd say she is a gem among women. My advice would be to bless the gods who have sent her your way and either play music she likes occasionally or get headphones.


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## Ingélou (Feb 10, 2013)

I hope there was a glint of humour in the exchange, Orpheus - you both enjoying the banter inwardly?

I'm lucky in that Spouse & I enjoy the same types of music - more especially since we usually play cds when travelling side by side in the family car. Our tastes are not identical - I am more willing to try romantic and modern music than he is. Because my tastes are generally pretty catholic-with-a-small-c, I am the one who adapts to his taste rather than vice versa. 

But your wife might have a point, even if the pieces of music weren't actually the same. 
The clue lies in the phrase 'days on end'!


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## TurnaboutVox (Sep 22, 2013)

Improbus said:


> Exquisitely bad, you mean.


A _Gentilhomme_ would never say so, though, M'sieur! :tiphat:


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## philoctetes (Jun 15, 2017)

If anybody I know says they like classical music it's quite possible that 1) they are lying or 2) they didn't know they liked it until they met me. Or both.

However I know someone is hopeless if they insist on music with melodic hooks and clever arrangements. One of my most musically talented friends hates CM because there's nothing catchy to him there.

In college I had a roommate who played nothing but Beethoven. Early phase classical dementia.


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## philoctetes (Jun 15, 2017)

If "loved ones" include pets, they are rarely a problem. Feral cats sleep under my house so they can wake up to Josquin in the mornings.


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## TurnaboutVox (Sep 22, 2013)

Mrs Vox and I don't share that much in musical taste. Her 'core classical' listening repertoire is the romantic string concertos of her violin-playing school and college days, plus nowadays some Renaissance and Baroque and some Arvo Part, and plenty of non-classical music from films, musicals etc.

I generally only listen to music on loudspeakers when she's out of the house, or I keep it to Bach, Handel, Haydn or Mozart. Whilst I've been off sick from work there's been more opportunity for me to listen more during the day - but this has also led to incidents such as yesterday when she came home to find me asleep 'listening to strange music' (Gubaidulina. I pointed out that I wasn't actually listening to it since I was asleep!) There is a certain amount of tense "I'll put it off since you're back" "No, it's quite OK - you listen to your loud music" exchange at times.

In our next house I plan a sound-proofed listening room so that I may listen less disturbed, and Mrs Vox likewise with her addiction to TV drama DVD box sets. Each to her / his own, I say. And we each have our peculiarities.


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## rspader (May 14, 2014)

My situation may be a bit different. My wife doesn't really like ANY music. Oh, occasionally she will play some Jimmy Buffett, Shania Twain or some other poppy-country sort of stuff but even that is rare. The closest that she will get to classical is Josh Groban. I, on the other hand, want muisc playing all of the time -- mosly classical, some jazz and, well, any music is better than no music. At home it is no big deal. Quality headphones make for a happy marriage.

The problem arises on auto trips, of which we do many. She likes NPR and podcasts to keep up with "current events" (whatever that is supposed to mean). I actively avoid the news and tend to see my car as a refuge form the outside world. It is a "music only" venue when I am alone. Best that we can do is alternate 30 minutes of excellent music with 30 minutes of her . . . stuff.


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## eugeneonagain (May 14, 2017)

I no longer drive. No longer have a car, but even then I made sure to disconnect the stereo and pretend it was malfunctioning to stop this sort of thing:


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## Krummhorn (Feb 18, 2007)

Never a problem in our household. My wife simply puts on her noise cancelling earphones. 

If I am sitting at the piano she will listen intently.


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## eugeneonagain (May 14, 2017)

Krummhorn said:


> Never a problem in our household. My wife simply puts on her noise cancelling earphones.
> 
> If I am sitting at the piano she will listen intently.


I assume she takes off the noise-cancelling earphones for the latter?


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## Pyotr (Feb 26, 2013)

No problem in my household. My wife got me into classical music-I never appreciated it before I met her about 17 years ago. She likes baroque, classical era and romantic era, in that order. I prefer romantic, classical, baroque, in that order. When driving together I usually decide what we listen to and she never complains.


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## Brahmsian Colors (Sep 16, 2016)

There are typically times during the day when I intersperse my computer meanderings with Youtube musical selections. It's often more convenient than starting up my component system and listening from my music room. Anyhow, while my wife is involved with her Lego research and dealings across the way from me but is still close by, she doesn't hesitate to ask me to play some of "my music" from Youtube, usually preferring to hear Mozart, who she particularly enjoys. Now if I start piping in Brahms, her tone changes. "Eeeuuu, that's depressing." Though Brahms is my favorite, I don't make any effort to throw a comeback at her. It would be pointless. Viewing such matters from the larger picture, she's always been supportive of both my classical hobby and of having a personal music listening room. In fact, she's the one who encouraged me, both here and where we last lived, to put together the listening room....So, no real problems with being at odds over the subject at hand.


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## Orpheus (Jul 15, 2012)

Since many people have ended up being misled by the conversation reported in the OP (enough to get what was going on precisely backwards, in many cases) I think I should provide some further context to make the situation clearer. I had thoughts of doing so when I first made the thread, but it seemed that explaining properly would take a while. I was too tired to write much more right then and ended up just going to bed, then life intervened and I didn't get back on for a couple of days. I had probably better rectify the situation now before the thread attracts too many more comments of a certain type, and advice which it was not intended to solicit.

By the way, congratulations are due to Ingélou, who actually got fairly close to the true situation with this post:



Ingélou said:


> I hope there was a glint of humour in the exchange, Orpheus - you both enjoying the banter inwardly?
> 
> I'm lucky in that Spouse & I enjoy the same types of music - more especially since we usually play cds when travelling side by side in the family car. Our tastes are not identical - I am more willing to try romantic and modern music than he is. Because my tastes are generally pretty catholic-with-a-small-c, I am the one who adapts to his taste rather than vice versa.
> 
> ...


(I wonder if this could be due to she and her husband both being musicians - though I could be wrong about this - and having a similar sort of relationship in certain respects.)

Despite how the conversation seems to have come across to many people, the spouse is actually a skilled musician with an excellent ear, is very far from being ignorant about classical music or uninterested in it, and in fact has better knowledge than me in many respects.

She had significant formal instruction in music when she was younger, including some time studying in music college, and plays a number of instruments. Her current project is learning the Turkish ney - I can only admire her persistence in taking on the challenge, as I can't extract any sound from hers at all except, with much effort, the desultory sound of faintly rushing air, just before I sink to my knees, completely blown from the effort.

More pertinently here, she has played the piano since early childhood and continued into adulthood (she hasn't played one for the last several years only because we lack space for one in our present abode). When in better practice, she used to be able to play several reasonably advanced Beethoven pieces from memory, including the "Moonlight" sonata. She has also dabbled in composition, which she was quite serious about for a while - most of what she has actually completed are moderately complex electronic, somewhat new-age pieces, but she has also written a few piano pieces in a more-or-less classical style.

She has an excellent musical ear, and has the ability to replicate most music that she hears, by ear alone, on any instrument that she knows how to play, and some that she doesn't, once she locates the notes. She is certainly a better judge of pitch and harmony than me, and usually quicker and more accurate at recognizing and naming pieces we hear, when we both know them more-or-less equally well. I usually ask her to tune my own instruments, as she does it better and quicker than me - and if I do it myself, to my own satisfaction, I will just end up being told what a bad job I have done once she hears me playing.

She also has a very retentive memory for music she has heard. As an example of this, she once casually picked up my diatonically-tuned lyre (of course I possess a lyre - see my username), which she had never really attempted to play before, and rather casually started playing on it a recognizable segment of the guitar part from Rodrigo's Concerto de Arranjuez. According to her, she had not heard the piece for at least a year (it was one of her favourite works a few years ago, but then she became bored with it). After a while of playing it quite sucessfully, she stopped. "I can't play this any more, because this thing," she informed me, indicating the lyre, "doesn't have a flat here, just when I needed it."

We actually tend to have reasonably harmonious tastes in general, and I rarely listen to the kind of music she actively dislikes (I don't know whether the chicken or the egg comes first here). The most likely source of trouble is when she thinks I am playing too loudly music of a type she considers on the borderline of acceptability in terms of atonality/stridency levels - Mahler, Scriabin, and Shostakovich are typical culprits, and she can detect certain singers she dislikes - like Maria Callas - from the other side of town.

I had never previously heard her object to either Schubert or Haydn; or any type of chamber music whatsoever, besides the odd avant-garde 20th century piece, which I would not have expected her to like in the first place. Not incidentally, she actually _likes_ Schubert, along with most chamber music from the baroque, classical, and early romantic periods, and usually pays _particular_ attention to works containnig harpsichord or piano.

*The conversation described in the OP will probably still make little or no sense to most readers in view of all the above.*

Well, here is the crux of the matter - I was completely bewildered there myself to begin with. Since I had by no means done the thing of which she was accusing me (listening to the same thing over and over for days, which I could understand her being annoyed by if I had actually done it); and since she, of all people, would certainly have known this if she had paid any real attention (which she would have had to, in order to be as annoyed by my non-existent act as she claimed), nothing made any sense. It was hard for me to believe in the circumstances that her complaint was quite serious, yet she was clearly annoyed about _something_, or at least behaving as though she was.

My contribution was therefore decidedly tongue-in-cheek, just in case she was joking with me in some unfathomable way, while I simultaneously tried to figure out what was going on. She quickly caught on to the fact that I was teasing her by telling her things that (as we both knew) she already knew perfectly well, but decided to press ahead anyway and act the musical ingénue for the sake of pursuing her initial complaint, while trying not to betray any hint of being amused by the situation. As Ingelou suggested, this turned the conversation into humorous banter as it progressed. I think we were both struggling not to laugh by the end (which went on some way past the part I quoted).

As it turned out later, once we had finished winding each other up, she was actually in a bad mood about unrelated matters (which I won't go into for reasons of privacy - I will just say that I can understand why she was annoyed about them). She had then come to look for me to unload her frustrations, which included me not having been around to help her with something when she needed it (not that I knew the assistance was required, at the time). She found me chilling out listening to music, seemingly without a care in the world.

This must have been very aggravating in the circumstances, so poor old Schubert (or Haydn, in his absence) ended up as the target of her frustrations. I think this was due more than anything to me having been paying attention to something other than her, so she decided to blame the thing that was getting the attention. She hadn't been listening _at all_ to what I was playing that day, let alone been specifically annoyed by it, but knew that I had acquired some chamber music that included the "Trout" the week before, and heard me play it a couple of times; and it seems to have been the first thing that popped into her head to take the blame - once she had heard a few notes, enough to establish approximate style and era.

Just one of these things that happens in life, really. I must admit though, that I haven't dared play "The Trout" in her presence since, just in case she really is pursuing some kind of secret vendetta against it! We shall see, at some point...


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## Botschaft (Aug 4, 2017)

Haydn67 said:


> Now if I start piping in Brahms, her tone changes. "Eeeuuu, that's depressing."


What _exquisite_ taste!


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## mbhaub (Dec 2, 2016)

My wife is stuck in her musical past: 1960s folk music and some pop. No Beatles. Lots (lots!) of country - but the older stuff not much newer. Huge George Strait fan.

I am a die hard classical listener and have been since I first learned how to use a record player. For almost 60 years it's been Beethoven, Mahler, Tchaikovsky and the whole classical canon. 

While the wife doesn't actively seek out listening to classics, she tolerates it quite well, until I put on the Wagner operas and other music that demands to be listened to: Mahler, Stravinsky, Shostakovich. But every now and then I put on something that she really responds to and even asks what it is. Last time was from Prokofieff's Romeo and Juliet. 

Still, she's no classics fan. I go to concerts here and abroad solo. I try to make up for it and go to country/western concerts sometimes - she's happy and those guys are tremendous pros. Clay Walker is an exceptional entertainer as I've come to learn. But the best solution has been building a custom home where my music listening room is far away from the family room, kitchen and all that and no noise interrupts me. In the car it's a wholly different situation - we listen to talk radio.


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