# A Question for the Non-Whippersnappers



## Lenfer (Aug 15, 2011)

Ok this is quite a personal topic and I'd appreciate your thoughts. *Talk Classical* is the only community I visit and seeing as I can't ask friends or family I turn to you to get this off my chest. As many of you know I am ill, I dislike going into details but it is a "terminal" illness. I will be 23 this year and I've known for quite some time that 23 is fair age for someone with my condition.

My other half and I were watching a film and it's made me even more upset than I was before. It's not that old it was released in 2004. The leading actress is very pretty in the film, I looked up to her slightly at the time. Anyway she's still pretty but no where near as pretty as she was when she was younger.

I know this may sound shallow but I am pretty, attractive whatever you want to call it and it sadness me to think that as you get old you tend to lose that. This is were it's gets tricky because I forget I won't get old and then I remember but I'm still sad. Sad for those I'll leave behind and to think of them getting old well isn't very nice.

Given that I won't actually age much more than I have now it's purely academic but I hope asking this will help me get over it. *How do you cope with getting old?* I know there is nothing one can do to stop it but to older members here did you ever feel this way?

I apologies for this, thank you.

Kind Regards,

*L'enfer*


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## Couchie (Dec 9, 2010)

I will also be 23 this year, and gorgeous. I cope with it knowing men age much better than women.


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## Philip (Mar 22, 2011)

(L'enfer, i'm very sorry about your condition, and i'm afraid i cannot answer your question either...)

but... why am i hearing people saying they're beautiful and not seeing any pictures???


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## Couchie (Dec 9, 2010)

I don't want you to fall inexorably in love and stalk me.


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## Philip (Mar 22, 2011)

Couchie said:


> I don't want you to fall inexorably in love and stalk me.


I'll give you $1


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## Couchie (Dec 9, 2010)




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## Philip (Mar 22, 2011)




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## Conor71 (Feb 19, 2009)

Really sorry to hear about your illness - you seem like a nice person too 
In response to your question its probably a cliche but ones priorities change as they age.


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## StlukesguildOhio (Dec 25, 2006)

I will also be 23 this year, and gorgeous. I cope with it knowing men age much better than women.

How'd that work out for Richard?


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## Head_case (Feb 5, 2010)

Wow. Kind of shocked to hear of your illness. It's the helplessness of knowing about the illness, and the powerlessness to do anything about it -that very frustration with existence - it's limited and finite character which does me in. 

It can't be easy (or maybe it's just mind numbing) hearing people offer what is hard to come across as empathy or care, particularly if it's transmitted as a platitude across the internet - this isn't intentional. It's galling to hear you're so young and facing death. 

Coping with getting old....hmm...some of us die suddenly. In some respects, it takes courage ...to age and grow old: courage, which this modern world increasingly lacks. 

Well, I guess I do look to my parents for that example. Or the family that I have left that is. Not knowing when I'm going to die, still requires preparation: at your age, I never thought to plan. I changed my mind afterwards and wrote a will (well, I did get into a fight with strangled to death by two hulking 6ft 6" guys. Thankfully they were pissed and must've been seeing double. 

In panic mode - batten down the hatches and get on with practical stuff - sort out my electricity bill, taxes and grave etc so that I don't annoy anyone who's left. I would be petty enough to try and finish the ironing and make sure no one has to contend with washing my underwear too :/ 

When I've recovered from the shock and had more time to process the sense of loss ..that very dread that I'm not going to be around any more, I think I'd want to spend some time with myself. Not in wallowing or pity: after all - sooner or later, we all die. What is the difference? 

Recollection - when dealing with the anticipation of losing someone...I'd want to refocus my memories, to recollect myself; the life I have had; the people who have graced it; and what I have enjoyed. Maybe - if you are well enough, you should get a few photographs shot, to be remembered by. Part of youth, is the physical sensuality, which is not found in the crabby old complaining curmudgeonly elderly among us in the forum. This ...physical aspect of youth ..should be celebrated...rather than seen as shallow or superficial. This is a part of you; and if this is where you end, then leave a memory for those whose lives you've touched, of this part of you. 

Equally, recollecting others, I'd want them to recollect me, although I'd struggle to want to even let others know what I think at this point. Feeling angry that life is shorn, short shrift, it's hard not to feel anger at some point. Anger at the doctors maybe...or my parents for the genetics which led me this way, even though it's not their fault...or even angry at God in a churlish moment...and for the atheists amongst us, angry at nothing at all, and thus, even more impotent and angry altogether: powerless, except clinging on by a theory of mind, somehow in denial that life has a meaning, which goes beyond the everyday, into the afterlife. 

I think .. love ...if there is any left, at the end of a shorten life, and a life which has seen much medicalisation; hospitalisation; procedures, and being done unto by people who try to help ....but ultimately, becomes impersonal and just mechanical facets of preserving what life is left... I would want them to know that despite how hard dealing with terminal illness is, I'd want them to know I was still thankful and maybe write or let them know. 

Of course, I would rather write to those I love most first - maybe do a video, or a collection of photos with the people I love, so that I don't have to let them age alone, without the memory. Equally, because of the crappy digital world we live in, I would insist on photographing on film emulsion, and printed on silver gelatin black and white photographic papers, and selenium toned, so that the images will be archival. They can be scanned too, but I'd want a lasting memory for my loved ones, to have an image with me. And I would communicate to them before it's too late, or before Im' incapacitated, that I would want them to have a shared photograph together. 

I suppose, I'd probably want those I leave behind, to get old, that they are privileged; life is a gift. Not ours for the keeping. They have much longer, to think beyond the self (and its self-centredness). Like in the way, illness and suffering, has shaped you into becoming more empathic and caring, so much so that you care about those you will leave behind. In reality, those who love someone who has someone they love, who is terminally ill, find it difficult to talk about such things. The barrier...social taboo maybe..or just plain awkwardness ... or guilt at being alive enough to grow old, whereas you will not ... all of that gets in the way of enjoying each other's company. If there are things you've always wanted to do; places to visit; sights to see - to plan these with the ones you love, so that you don't have to wait till they're old to do them. 

Maybe letting your relatives and friends know, that they can contact hospice staff, to explore how they deal with living, after you. 

Not least - leaving a legacy too. Your wish list - so that they can continue your living memory (this is spirit) when your body has gone. If you love chamber music - making them know which artists and works; so that they can play it on your birthday, or at family celebrations. 

In any case....how do we cope with growing old...? It happens. As the earth turns. Existence, is not about time; it is about existing: the world of experience, which is one of feeling and being loved. Time is immaterial when it comes to the love in relationships which knit us together in existence.


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## Vaneyes (May 11, 2010)

I occasionally find myself entranced by those before and after pics of celebrities--gapped by many years, or maybe just one too many procedures. Some in and out of show business have more difficulty with it than others.

I'm a codger, and can honestly say I've only had one "getting old" pang, and it had nothing to do with appearance.

It happened for about one hour in my early twenties, when I realized there would be no more pick-up sports games with buddies I could call on at a moment's notice. That hurt. But, golf was there, and remained there to fill sporting urges.

Long story short, L'enfer...you do not have to worry about people getting old, and how they are coping with it. Most will have no problem, after people fall all around them through life, to get on with it after a brief mourning. As the saying goes, "Life is for the living."


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## Lenfer (Aug 15, 2011)

Philip said:


> (L'enfer, i'm very sorry about your condition, and i'm afraid i cannot answer your question either...)
> 
> but... why am i hearing people saying they're beautiful and not seeing any pictures???


Back when "_everyone_" had a *Myspace* I was altered to someone using my pictures and pretending to be me. It was extremely hard to get the website to remove my pictures from this persons profile. Eventually I had to email a picture of myself holding my URL on a bit of paper in order for them to remove my pictures from the other profile. It happened twice after that so I decided it was not worth having pictures of myself on the internet. This is why I will not use my own picture. I didn't mean it to sound that vain I was just trying to be honest.

I have thought about changing it to a picture of myself but I noticed how easily Talk Classical comes up in *Google* search I thought better of it.

Also please don't be sorry (it's why I won't say what I suffer from) it's not your fault so you have no need to be sorry. I appreciate your kind words nonetheless.


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## Lenfer (Aug 15, 2011)

Vaneyes said:


> "*But, golf was there*..."


I LOL'd perhaps I will take up golf then. :kiss:


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## Lenfer (Aug 15, 2011)

StlukesguildOhio said:


> I will also be 23 this year, and gorgeous. I cope with it knowing men age much better than women.
> 
> How'd that work out for Richard?











Taken the night of his 21st so I'm told. :lol:​


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## Sid James (Feb 7, 2009)

Lenfer said:


> ...
> Given that I won't actually age much more than I have now it's purely academic but I hope asking this will help me get over it. *How do you cope with getting old?* I know there is nothing one can do to stop it but to older members here did you ever feel this way?...


Well I think I just cope with it the same ways I do with life in general.

Eg.:

- Be connected with my community - which can even just mean saying 'hi' to my neighbour or local shopkeepers

- Support network - family &/or mates (or buddies or pals as some of you guys call them)

- Some sort of faith/spirituality

- Doing things I like not just boring chores

- Eating well and exercising (even mildly - eg. walking). Sleeping well. Not stressing out too much. Look after your body and your mind.

So in other words keeping connected with people. I don't know if that's what you mean, L'enfer. In terms of physical ageing, it can be a combination of things (eg. lifestyle, genetic, plain 'luck' or not). It can vary in other words. But doing the above things, or as best you can, it kind of makes for better living (and ageing!).


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## HarpsichordConcerto (Jan 1, 2010)

Lenfer said:


> *How do you cope with getting old?*
> 
> Kind Regards,
> 
> *L'enfer*


1. I drive slow.
2. I make sure I stay regular everyday (i.e. bowel movement).
3. I read www.dentureliving.com to make sure I clean my dentures properly.


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## Sid James (Feb 7, 2009)

HarpsichordConcerto said:


> 1. I drive slow...


I hope not too slow. Like a certain ethnic group does. Well I can't say it cos its not politically correct. & its a stereotype.



> ...
> 2. I make sure I stay regular everyday (i.e. bowel movement)...


Seriously, its good advice. Bowel cancer is on the rise here, and I think in the Western world generally. EAT YOUR GREENS!



> ...
> 3. I read www.dentureliving.com to make sure I clean my dentures properly.


Shameless promotion? Do you own shares in that company/website?


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## HarpsichordConcerto (Jan 1, 2010)

Sid James said:


> I hope not too slow. Like a certain ethnic group does. Well I can't say it cos its not politically correct. & its a stereotype.
> 
> Seriously, its good advice. Bowel cancer is on the rise here, and I think in the Western world generally. EAT YOUR GREENS!
> 
> Shameless promotion? Do you own shares in that company/website?


1. I think elder folks drive slow. That's a good thing. I'm not sure which ethnic group you might be suggesting, but driving slow reduces the statistical probability of car accidents.
2. Greens, fibre; all good, and lower one's intake of processed carbohydrates, including sugar.
3. No, I don't. My dentures look as clean as this happy person right here ->


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## cwarchc (Apr 28, 2012)

What is the purpose of life?
From the moment of birth, every human being wants happiness and does not want suffering. Neither social conditioning nor education nor ideology affect this. From the very core of our being, we simply desire contentment.
Even when people we love die, our relationships with them do not. We continue to have feelings about them, memories of things they did. Just because the pain of losing them diminishes with time, their importance to us need not.


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