# Some Weird One Liners



## superhorn

Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor.

If our country believes in free speech, why do we have phone bills ?

Your artistic license has been revoked !

Every morning is the dawn of a new error .

I can see clearly now - the brain is gone !

The beatings will continue untl morale improves .

I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead .

Madness takes its toll -please have exact change ready .

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

I don't have a solution, but I admire the problem .

It's not hard to meet expenses - they're everywhere !

Demons are a ghoul's best friend .

Dain bramaged .

I love defenseless animals, especially in a good sauce !

Join the army, meet interesting people, kill them .

I tried sniiffing coke once, but the ice cubes kept getting in my nose .

I once tried to microwave instant coffee, and went back in time .

Life is spent inbetween episodes of women being mad at you .

What goes tick.... tick.... tick.... tick.... Woof ! ? A watch dog .

Anywhere is within walking distance, if you have the time .





:lol: :lol: :lol:


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## belfastboy

_"Take that thing outta there and get back to work, and wash your hands"_

I have no idea, over heard on a phone call.


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## elgar's ghost

When Kurt Cobain killed himself I heard someone say "life's too short for suicide" - took me a while to get my head around that one.


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## superhorn

Did you hear about the Pepsi employee who got fired because he tested positive for coke ?


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## Huilunsoittaja

When I was back in grade school, my agenda book would have the silliest one-liners for each week, meant to make you laugh. But I didn't laugh because they were funny, but because they were so stupid. :lol:

"The fastest way between two points is always under construction."

"What's another word for Thesaurus?"

"How does the back of the clock find out what time it is?" (i.e. the back of the clock is magically personified :lol

It's been too long since then, I wish I could remember the other ones. They were really bad.


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## ComposerOfAvantGarde

Huilunsoittaja said:


> When I was back in grade school, my agenda book would have the silliest one-liners for each week, meant to make you laugh. But I didn't laugh because they were funny, but because they were so stupid. :lol:
> 
> "The fastest way between two points is always under construction."
> 
> "What's another word for Thesaurus?"
> 
> "How does the back of the clock find out what time it is?" (i.e. the back of the clock is magically personified :lol
> 
> It's been too long since then, I wish I could remember the other ones. They were really bad.


I'm glad I don't go to that school.


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## Huilunsoittaja

ComposerOfAvantGarde said:


> I'm glad I don't go to that school.


Hahaha I'm pretty sure it was a generic agenda book customized for different schools but distributed many places. It was a high school agenda book too. What are we, 1st graders?


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## Crudblud

Oh boy, here's a fun one from a school physics class that I have not so fond memories of:

"If cushions absorb sounds, how come they don't talk when you squeeze them?"


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## ComposerOfAvantGarde

The only one liner I know: American beer is like sex in a canoe, it's ******* close to water!


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## belfastboy

ComposerOfAvantGarde said:


> The only one liner I know: American beer is like sex in a canoe, it's ******** close to water!


tut tut tut tut


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## Ramako

Yesterday, my grandmother asks me:

"Have you heard of this symphony that they're playing in Birmingham by a dead German composer?"

It turned out she was talking about the performance of Stockhausen's _Mittwoch aus Licht_, identified by the helicopters. But really...


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## hawk

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. However, he says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met

herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity and I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

PMS jokes aren't funny, period.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

We're going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a
Liverpool .

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in
New York 's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

Velcro is a rip off !

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

The earthquake in
Washington obviously was the government's fault.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.


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## MaestroViolinist

^^I laughed at every single one of them! (No matter how bad they were. )


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