# Bizarre, wrongheaded, or simply illiterate headlines



## KenOC

I'm alternately amused and amazed by some of the Internet headlines I see. If you like, you can post your favorites (if that's the right word) in this thread.

A BBC headline today: "Animal sex still banned in Germany".

Aren't they afraid they'll run out of animals after a while?


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## Blancrocher

^^^ Does "animals" include human beings?


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## geralmar

One I remember from a book of confusing headlines:

Jury still out on compost toilets


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## Lucifer Saudade

County To Pay 250,000 To Advertise Lack Of Funds
"Federal Agents Raid Gun Shop, Find Weapons" 

... and for some intentional wordplay:
Tiger Woods plays with own balls, Nike says
the writer has a lot on the ball in the rest of the article as well of course 


Regarding animal sex:
PANDA MATING FAILS; VETERINARIAN TAKES OVER


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## Cosmos

Not a headline per say, but one of my favorite newspaper clippings:


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## mstar

Too many landing in our backyards without our permission?


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## mstar

Oh man oh man oh man








What would Sinclair say?!


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## Cosmos

mstar said:


> Oh man oh man oh man
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> What would Sinclair say?!


That's not juice


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## geralmar

Trees can break wind


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## KenOC

Found in another forum.
------------------
Wonderful headline from a Scottish tabloid newspaper:

'ZOMBIE PRIEST IN FLUTE BAND HALLOWEEN PARTY SEX ATTACK DODGES JAIL'


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## Lucifer Saudade

Cormac McCarthy’s ex-wife busted after pulling gun from ****** during alien argument 


okay...


wait why are medical terms censored again?


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## KenOC

BBC front page headline: "Senate cannot stop shrinking plane seats"

I haven't read the article, but it's more fun to imagine it.
----------------------------------
"It's like a terrible compulsion," said Senate Democratic leader Harry Ried. "We can't stop! Day and night, we shrink those seats and then call for more to be brought in. It just goes on and on. Colleagues on both side of the aisle have collapsed and had to seek medical treatment. For the rest of us, there's no end in sight."


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## Pugg

Blancrocher said:


> ^^^ Does "animals" include human beings?


Genius....


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## OldFashionedGirl

In the news these days: A man put a yucca inside his ******.


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## sospiro

........................


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## mstar

^^^ But why on earth do we have to know she did it "_after she waved at a man dressed as a Snickers bar"?_


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## geralmar

Famous headline:

https://www.google.com/search?q=hea...=chrome-mobile&ie=UTF-8#imgrc=j0OalsmXP13iHM:


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## clockworkmurderer

if there weren't insane candy-suit related extenuating circumstances there wouldn't be a story


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## sospiro

.................................


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## mstar




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## KenOC

There are some real gems being posted... :lol:


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## Gordontrek

Seems this thread has been dead for a few days. Here's hoping it will resurrect.


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## Guest




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## Barbebleu

One headline I remember from the late sixties was in a copy of my local paper, The Ayrshire Post. Whilst conducting a burial service the officiating minister took a heart attack and dropped dead. Poor chap. The headline for the article about this unfortunate occurrence was - Death of Minister Casts a Gloom over Funeral. I assume up til that point everyone had been having a good laugh!


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## geralmar




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## Varick

mstar said:


> ^^^ But why on earth do we have to know she did it "_after she waved at a man dressed as a Snickers bar"?_


Well, I don't know where you're from, but where I'm from, when an Ex waves to a man dressed in a snickers outfit, you attack her! Period!!!!

V


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## Totenfeier

Gordontrek said:


> Seems this thread has been dead for a few days. Here's hoping it will resurrect.


Most all y'all won't get this, but that's how they say "Missippi" in Missippi!


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## Tallisman

I saw a funny one in the Telegraph:

"Diane Abbott 'back to fighting fitness' ''

I laughed because you could interpret either as 'Diane Abbott is back to her normal health' or 'Diane Abbott back to fighting against fitness'...


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## Pat Fairlea

From the 'nature notes' in a UK Sunday paper in my formative years:
"Great **** like Coconuts"

Ummm...OK, can't use that plural noun without attracting asterisks. Let's just say it referred to the common garden bird species Parus major.


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## geralmar




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## Pat Fairlea

geralmar said:


>


"Launch the pyropussies!", ordered the Commander-in-Chief.


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## geralmar




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## Gordontrek

Totenfeier said:


> Most all y'all won't get this, but that's how they say "Missippi" in Missippi!


Of course I get it; I live just one state over!


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## Totenfeier

Gordontrek said:


> Of course I get it; I live just one state over!


I'm thinking of those poor, benighted Europeans!

(Define "European": An observational remark one might hear in a two-hole outhouse.)


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## znapschatz

One that gave me the giggles when I was a teenager was an advertisement that read: "Brassieres, 1/2 off."


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## KenOC

When I was young, I had a mail subscription to a corporate magazine named "Mitsubishi Teletype." Can't remember how I could possibly have subscribed, but...

One headline about a company family function caught my eye: "Youth Festival Shrouded in Glee."


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## Guest




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## geralmar




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## EddieRUKiddingVarese




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## EddieRUKiddingVarese




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## Totenfeier

EddieRUKiddingVarese said:


>


This is what we in the literary analysis biz refer to as "dramatic irony."


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## geralmar




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## hpowders

"Asian sportscaster, Robert Lee, forbidden from broadcasting the UVa football game on ESPN, for fear of a Robert E Lee backlash".

Sad but true. Political correctness taken to an embarrasing extreme by ESPN. They should be ashamed of themselves!! 

So many viewers, I'm sure, would have made the connection between Asian Robert Lee and WASP Robert E Lee, Civil War general.


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## geralmar

hpowders said:


> "Asian sportscaster, Robert Lee, forbidden from broadcasting the UVa football game on ESPN, for fear of a Robert E Lee backlash".


ESPN could have just called him "Bob Lee".


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## geralmar




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## KenOC

Saw a story yesterday about foods you should never buy but make yourself. One item was pasta sauce. Mentioned that a serving of Prego had 480 grams of sodium. Hmmm...that's a pound. Of course, on checking the correct measure was a thousandth of that, 480 milligrams.

Guess that's why we no longer see want ads for "editors." A vanished profession.


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## geralmar




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## geralmar




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## geralmar




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## Barbebleu

geralmar said:


>


Be afraid, be very afraid!


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## geralmar




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## SixFootScowl

This seemed like a great idea about 100 years ago:


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## EddieRUKiddingVarese

^ Should give you a good buzz and give you a fresh breath feeling


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## geralmar




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## EddieRUKiddingVarese

^lucky he was a lion I guess


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## geralmar




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## geralmar




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## EddieRUKiddingVarese

^Looks like they have done a lot of wenting, imagine being the english teachers at that school


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## geralmar




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## geralmar




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## Totenfeier

Actually, I hate that post.


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## KenOC

geralmar said:


>


Sometimes I'm left with nothing but despair. Marcia Neal is now an incumbent on the Colorado Board of Education.


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## geralmar




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## geralmar

!?


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## geralmar




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## Totenfeier

geralmar said:


>


Are we CERTAIN that there was an error?


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## KenOC

"Prof: Algebra, geometry perpetuate white privilege."

Obviously, the curriculum at the University of Illinois may need some reshuffling!

https://www.campusreform.org/?ID=10005

Related: "Feminist prof says 'traditional science' is rooted in racism."

At UC Davis, Sara Giordano argues that "traditional science" relies on "a colonial and racialized form of power," and must be replaced with an "anti-science, antiracist, feminist approach to knowledge production." Huh?

https://www.campusreform.org/?ID=10021

It makes me want to ask, like Gunnery Sergeant Hartman, "What is your major malfunction, numbnuts?" But we all know what happens next, so I won't go there.


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## Huilunsoittaja

https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/tech...sts-say/ar-AAu227S?li=BBmkt5R&ocid=spartanntp

"The Universe Should Not Actually Exist, Scientists Say"

Woah there! When did scientists become ontologists???


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## geralmar




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## Totenfeier

Huilunsoittaja said:


> https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/tech...sts-say/ar-AAu227S?li=BBmkt5R&ocid=spartanntp
> 
> "The Universe Should Not Actually Exist, Scientists Say"
> 
> Woah there! When did scientists become ontologists???


Wellll....there's ONE theory that HAS been advanced -

Genesis 1:4; Colossians 1:16-17.

light/darkness; visible/invisible; matter/antimatter; "all things hold together..."

Just sayin.'


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## Marinera

> The universe* as we know it* should not exist, scientists working at CERN, the European Organization for Nuclear Research, have said.


Well, the key phrase here is 'as we know it' and we don't know much, do we?


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## geralmar




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## geralmar




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## LezLee

From my sister’s local newspaper: 
‘Stonefall Cemetery in Harrogate beat some stiff competition to win the best-kept cemetery award.’


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## Guest




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## KenOC

Fox, never one to miss a good story: "Self-driving shuttle crashes in Las Vegas hours after launch."

"The shuttle crashed just before noon not far from the Las Vegas Strip, less than two hours after officials held an unveiling ceremony to promote the vehicle."

Good for a chuckle, but in its pursuit of a good story Fox left out some important information, reported locally:

"A representative on behalf of AAA [sponsor of the shuttle] has stated on Twitter that the crash was caused by the truck backing into the shuttle at the time and was a result of human error, with the driver of the truck cited."

And the City stated: "The autonomous shuttle was testing today when it was grazed by a delivery truck downtown. The shuttle did what it was supposed to do, in that its sensors registered the truck and the shuttle stopped to avoid the accident. Unfortunately, the delivery truck did not stop and grazed the front fender of the shuttle. Had the truck had the same sensing equipment that the shuttle has the accident would have been avoided."


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## SixFootScowl

KenOC said:


> And the City stated: "The autonomous shuttle was testing today when it was grazed by a delivery truck downtown. The shuttle did what it was supposed to do, in that its sensors registered the truck and the shuttle stopped to avoid the accident. Unfortunately, the delivery truck did not stop and grazed the front fender of the shuttle. Had the truck had the same sensing equipment that the shuttle has the accident would have been avoided."


However, there is more that could be programmed into the shuttle that could have avoided at least this crash (source article):



> Jenny Wong, a passenger on the shuttle at the time of the crash, told local news station KSNV: "The shuttle just stayed still. And we were like, it's going to hit us, it's going to hit us. And then it hit us.
> 
> "The shuttle didn't have the ability to move back. The shuttle just stayed still."


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## LezLee

“Have went..” is often used in Scotland and isn’t considered incorrect! Also, the American (and old English) “gotten” is commonly in use here.


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## KenOC

"Escort allegedly shoots Washington state man twice for performing sex act 'wrong' "

Well, that's what the headline says anyway. Who could resist peeking at the story?

http://www.foxnews.com/us/2017/11/0...e-man-twice-for-performing-sex-act-wrong.html


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## KenOC

From the BBC: "German cows cause methane blast in Rasdorf."

Terrorism apparently is not suspected.

http://www.bbc.com/news/world-europe-25922514


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## KenOC

It's annual Amelia Earhart silly season again. This year:

"Mystery deepens over whether Amelia Earhart was eaten by three-foot crabs with claws like lion jaws"

The evidence is overwhelming: (a) she is thought to have crashed in the South Pacific; and (b) they've got some big honkin' crabs down there. Can there be any doubt? Q.E.D. Case proven!

That's a Fox headline, but Fox is down right now. So here's the story from a different source:

http://www.newsweek.com/amelia-earhart-mystery-was-lost-pilot-eaten-giant-coconut-crabs-709635


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## geralmar




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## EddieRUKiddingVarese

^was that fig jam from a rig


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## LezLee

My sister works in her local hospice and was delighted to see their café dessert menu features ‘Profiteer Roles’.


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## geralmar




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## EddieRUKiddingVarese

*UK man leaves 'monstrous' note telling ambulance not to block his driveway* 
Last updated 09:56, November 14 2017

In a rush of blood, Birmingham's Hassan Shabbir penned a "monstrous" note.

As UK paramedics fought hard to try to save the life of his neighbour, who later died in hospital, all Shabbir could think about was the fact that he was late and that the ambulance was blocking him getting out of his driveway.

"You may be saving lives, but don't park your van in a stupid place and block my drive," Shabbir, 27, wrote on a piece of paper which he then placed on the ambulance's windscreen.










https://www.stuff.co.nz/world/europe/98 ... s-driveway


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## geralmar




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## KenOC

Better than, "Sewer was blocked by large Poop."


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## LezLee

KenOC said:


> Better than, "Sewer was blocked by large Poop."


Ken: 'Pooh' (poo) is British for 'poop'! That's why it's funny :lol:


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## LezLee

From The Guardian

An alleged burglar appears to have taken the saying “sleeping on the job” literally after passing out with a half-eaten pie and covered in Doritos in a house near Glasgow.

The 46-year-old man is alleged to have broken into the house in Coatbridge on Monday night, but to have then been too tired to actually leave. He was eventually discovered by the homeowners, who alerted the police.


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## LezLee

From ‘Knitting Paradise’

Google translation of a Turkish knitting pattern:

"Fabrication:
The front 35 stitches are started and 6 tooth harps (12 rows) are knitted.
For the anterior row of the stalk, 6 stitches, 23 stitches and 52 stitches are knitted.
For the collar, 6 stitches are multiplied in each order.
We will not cut in the armpit.
The back 62 stitches are started and 6 dental chops are knitted.
On the edge 6 loops haraşo 50 loops haraşo 6 loops haraşo.
For the shoulders of the rear ensembles 20 shirred stitches are cut.
Ensede 22 remains. 20 stitches are cut for the shoulder in the front.
Front stitch is 15 stitches, back stitch is 22 stitches, front stitch is 15 stitches and 1 stitch.
We will finish our 52 loops with 6 toothbrushes.
Let's fix it with the knob by tilting the knob to the sides." 

I do realise for most of you all knitting patterns are gobbledegook :lol:


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## KenOC

A story about New York Times reporter Yamiche Alcindor.

‘The reporter appeared on MSNBC’s “Hardball with Chris Matthews” on Thursday evening and said that Trump speaks to (Roger) Ailes (founder of Fox TV) on a regular basis when discussing who the president takes seriously and respects.

‘ “Who he actually pays attention to are all the people he calls up on the phone. Roger Ailes. All these other people that are just kind of out in the world. Steve Bannon...” Alcindor said.’

Maybe Ms. Alcindor didn’t notice that Roger Ailes died over half a year ago. She is a reporter for one of the world’s most prestigious newspapers. Hmmm…


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## Totenfeier

That story made me wonder how Frederick Douglass has been feeling lately...


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## geralmar




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## LezLee

geralmar said:


>


But can anyone hear them?


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## EddieRUKiddingVarese

Is Johnny depp the father ?

http://www.news.com.au/finance/work...y/news-story/cbd417f49e69e013fe12e317828ab628

http://www.bbc.com/news/blogs-trending-43168934
Barnaby Joyce says he may not be biological father of Vikki Campion's baby*BARNABY Joyce has been slammed for revealing the paternity of his partner's unborn child, but says he had "no choice".








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