# Assorted Funny Sayings



## superhorn (Mar 23, 2010)

Here are some funny sayings I've collected from various places on the internet and elsewhere :

Some mistakes are too much fun to make just once ! 
There's not one shred of evidence to the idea that life is serious .
If you must choose between two evils , pick the one you haven't tried before .
A conscience is what hurts you when your other parts feel so good .
Eat well, stay fit, die anyway . 
No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes .
Junk is something you kept for years and then threw away three weeks before you need it .
It's not hard to meet expenses - they're everywhere !
Join the army , meet interesting people, kill them .
Show me a man with both feet planted firmly on the ground and I'll show you a man who can't get his
pants on .
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague .
I don't have a solution , but I admire the problem .
Madness takes its toll . Please have exact change ready .
Some people cause happiness wherever they go , and so people cause happiness whenever they go .
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day . Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day .
Out of my mind ; be back in 15 minutes .
Your artistic license has been revoked .
I tried sniffing coke once, but the ice cubes kept getting stuck in my nose .
99 % of lawyers give the rest a bad name .


:lol: :lol: :lol:


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## Guest (May 20, 2015)

If a man says something and a woman isn't around to hear him, is he still wrong?


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## Ingélou (Feb 10, 2013)

Before you criticise anyone, you must walk in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you'll be a mile away. And - you'll have their shoes.

My house was clean last week. Pity you missed it.

A woman's place is in the wrong.

Cricket was instituted by God to give the English, a naturally non-religious race, some idea of Eternity.

'Well I never!' - 'Oh mother, you *must* have!'

Dogs have owners - cats have staff.

A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.

The Bible tells us to love our neighbours, and also to love our enemies; probably because generally they are the same people.
- G. K. Chesterton

Expedience is the best teacher.

A Ms is as good as a male.

(from Seamus Heaney) 'Whatever you say, say nothing.'

It is the Scotsman's proud boast that nothing is _worn_ under the kilt.


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## Gaspard de la Nuit (Oct 20, 2014)

"Don't judge a book 'til you read its cover" 

(seen somewhere on the internet)


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## geralmar (Feb 15, 2013)

Bombs have more funds.


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## cwarchc (Apr 28, 2012)

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## Ingélou (Feb 10, 2013)

Rhyme to illustrate the difference between Northern and Southern pronunciation - imagine a lah-di-dah lady in a teashop reciting this. (I got it off BBC radio about forty years ago.)

'I asked the girl, in dulcet tone,
To bring me in a buttered scone.
The silly girl has been and gone
And brought me back a buttered scone!'


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## geralmar (Feb 15, 2013)

A cat has the same expression whether looking at a butterfly or an axe-murderer.


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## timh (Nov 14, 2014)

I used to be indecisive now I'm not so sure.


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## geralmar (Feb 15, 2013)

"The trouble with quotes on the Internet is that you never know if they're genuine."

-- Ludwig van Beethoven


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## Huilunsoittaja (Apr 6, 2010)

"Nothing's worse than when the conductor is drunk and happy and the audience is sober. It would be better if it were the other way around." - Glazunov


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## Belowpar (Jan 14, 2015)

A friend of mine like to sit sit at a cafe and comment on those passing by. She has a name for this, Pavement Cinema.

My favourite comment.

"The things you see when you haven't got your gun."


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## Belowpar (Jan 14, 2015)

Kontrapunctus said:


> If a man says something and a woman isn't around to hear him, is he still wrong?


Must have come from the same source as

Only a fool or a woman criticises a job half done.


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## geralmar (Feb 15, 2013)

"To do is to be." -- John Stuart Mill
"To be is to do."-- Jean Paul Sartre
"Do be do be do." -- Frank Sinatra


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## arpeggio (Oct 4, 2012)

I am an agnostic dyslectic insomniac who spends his evenings contemplating the existence of Dog.


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## geralmar (Feb 15, 2013)

arpeggio said:


> I am an agnostic dyslectic insomniac who spends his evenings contemplating the existence of Dog.


Then there is the dyslectic devil-worshipper who sold his soul to Santa.


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## Ingélou (Feb 10, 2013)

Belowpar said:


> A friend of mine like to sit sit at a cafe and comment on those passing by. She has a name for this, Pavement Cinema.
> 
> My favourite comment.
> 
> "The things you see when you haven't got your gun."


Is your friend Scottish? Taggart (my husband) uses the same expression. 

In the same vein I like, 'If she could just *see herself*...!'
(The tone must be a rich amalgam of pity and scorn.)


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## Guest (Jul 11, 2015)

Women: You can't live with them and you can't kill them.


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## Dr Johnson (Jun 26, 2015)

dogen said:


> Women: You can't live with them and you can't kill them.


Thank God that that is in no way a disturbing post.... 

 ?


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## Guest (Jul 11, 2015)

Dr Johnson said:


> Thank God that that is in no way a disturbing post....
> 
> ?


Indeed. Not a little bit.


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## Guest (Jul 11, 2015)

God created men. Then she had a better idea.


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## Guest (Jul 11, 2015)

Give me a beer and no-one gets hurt.


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## Guest (Jul 11, 2015)

I can only please one person each day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.


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## Dr Johnson (Jun 26, 2015)

dogen said:


> I can only please one person each day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.


Whimper ........


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## Lukecash12 (Sep 21, 2009)

There was a four car crash in Mexico yesterday... 93 people died.


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## Manxfeeder (Oct 19, 2010)

I had to address a graduating class. These quotes seemed appropriate: 

Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. 

Today is the first day of the rest of your car payments.

And there's this warning from Adrian Rogers: For some, marriage goes from the ideal to the ordeal to the new deal.

And another one from the same source: If a man opens the door for his wife, either the car is new or she is.


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## senza sordino (Oct 20, 2013)

Should midgets be paid under the table?

I found a grey pubic hair the other day. I was a bit surprised, but not as shocked as the other people on the elevator.


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## Guest (Aug 14, 2015)

(I'm going to shoe-horn this in here, rather than anywhere else)

The article is fine, but is just the jumping off point for all the comments....some of which had me in tears of laughter...

http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/aug/14/15-ways-to-really-annoy-your-partner#comments


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## Gaspard de la Nuit (Oct 20, 2014)

This is relevant to classical music.

I was sitting in a music class and the teacher had just played the first movement of beethoven's piano sonata 21 in C major....after he finished he said that it had been composed for a man named Waldstein. A student, with an impressed expression on his face, shook his head affirmatively and replied with, 'Wow, Waldstein must have been some guy"


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## Vaneyes (May 11, 2010)




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## geralmar (Feb 15, 2013)

Behind every successful man is an astonished wife.


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## Dr Johnson (Jun 26, 2015)

"If all the girls attending [the Yale prom] were laid end to end, I wouldn't be at all surprised."

Dorothy Parker.


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## Belowpar (Jan 14, 2015)

Ingélou said:


> Is your friend Scottish? Taggart (my husband) uses the same expression.
> 
> In the same vein I like, 'If she could just *see herself*...!'
> (The tone must be a rich amalgam of pity and scorn.)


No I don't think so but she did say it was handed down to her from her Gran, so who knows?

Another one.

Why do people insist on getting dressed in the dark?


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## Belowpar (Jan 14, 2015)

When I go I want to die quietly, in my sleep, like my Dad.
Not screaming and crying like his passengers.


Emo Phillips. 
(and others apparently - bet he hates Google)


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## Taggart (Feb 14, 2013)

Yes, I know it from Bob Monkhouse who is slightly older.

Two more of his on the same topic:

I'm rather relaxed about death. From quite an early age I've regarded it as part of the deal, the unwritten guarantee that comes with your birth certificate.

I'm not afraid of death. The only problem is that you're so bloody stiff the next day.


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## Belowpar (Jan 14, 2015)

Taggart said:


> Yes, I know it from Bob Monkhouse who is slightly older.
> 
> Two more of his on the same topic:
> 
> ...


I rather liked him and have heard his singing in The Boys from Syracuse.

My favourite

When I said I was going to become a comedian, they all laughed. 
Well, they're not laughing now.


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## Guest (Sep 6, 2015)

Clowns divorce. Custardy battle.


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## geralmar (Feb 15, 2013)

Heard five minutes ago on SpongeBob SquarePants:

SpongeBob: "Patrick, it's time we faced reality."
Patrick: "We've gone this far; why start now?"


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## haydnfan (Apr 13, 2011)

"Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life."

--Terry Pratchett


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## Guest (Sep 7, 2015)

I'd like to tell you a little about myself. It's a personal pronoun that means me.


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## Dr Johnson (Jun 26, 2015)

"Egotist, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me."

Ambrose Bierce, _The Devil's Dictionary_


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## geralmar (Feb 15, 2013)

There are two types of men: those who admit they are afraid of their wives, and those who are lying.


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## GreenMamba (Oct 14, 2012)

Apologies for going blue, but:

"He that do get a wench with child and marry her afterwards is as if a man should s*** in his hat and then clap it on his head."

Earl of Sandwich (as reported by Samuel Pepys)


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## Huilunsoittaja (Apr 6, 2010)

geralmar said:


> Heard five minutes ago on SpongeBob SquarePants:
> 
> SpongeBob: "Patrick, it's time we faced reality."
> Patrick: "We've gone this far; why start now?"


Wowww SS getting existential on us! lol they weren't talking like that when I was younger! It's too bad it's not a funny show anymore.


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