# Some Really Silly Jokes



## superhorn

How many graduate students does it take to change a lightbulb ?
One - but it takes him nine years !

How many college Freshman does it take to change a lightbulb ?
They don't learn that untill their Sophomore year.

How many surrelaists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
Fish !

Or : How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
Two - one to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with
brightly colored bicycles .

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a peanutbutter sandwich ?
A 2,000 pound sandwich that sticks to the roof of your mouth !

Why did the elephant cross the road ?
It was the chicken's day off !

What do you get when you cross Dracula with a pig ? A hampire !

What goes tick...tick....tick...tick....tick.... woof ? A watch dog !

What was Beethoven doing after he died ? Decomposing !

What was Bach's favorite food ? Brandenburgers !

What's the difference between a church bell and a politician ?
A church bell peals from the steeple , and a politician steals from the people.

It was so cold the other day, I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets !

How do you get down off an elephant ? You can't. Down comes off of ducks .

Why are ducks the most overrated bird ? That's because they're not all they're
quacked up to be.

Did you hear about the dermatologist who started his practice from scratch ?

Did you hear about the guy who was half Jewish and half Japanese ? 
When he was born, his parents had him circumcised at Behihana's !

Did you hear about the Jewish lawyer who went in to the restaurant business
and opened a Japanese restaurant called "Sosumi " ?

Department of redundancy department.

Incontinence hotline ... can you hold ,please ?

We're the IRS - we've got what it takes to take what you've got !

A penny saved is a government oversight .

Out of my mind . .; . . . be back in 15 minutes .

Which classical CDs are on your Chopin Liszt ?

Did you hear about the guy who fell into an upholstery machine ?
He's completely recovered now .

Did you hear about the butcher who backed up into a meat grinding machine ?
He got a little behind in his work.





Please forgive me for these, and don't ban me !


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## Polednice

Awful! 

I think the fairly long ones with stupid puns are the best:

There are these two onions - a male onion, and a female onion - just minding their own business, rolling along the street, when they bang into each other and somehow feel an instant rapport. Soon after, a torrential affair begins and they can't get enough of each other. After only a few days, the two love-struck onions consummate their love and soon decide to tie the knot; get together; make it legal - be married.

Their union is blessed, as a little baby onion - a cocktail onion - is born. Of course, this meant the father had to put in extra time at the shipyard to make enough money to feed them all, and, mother onion - much encumbered with other work around the house - one day left the front door open, unintentionally letting the inquisitive baby onion roll out across the street, straight into the path of a huge lorry. He was crushed. Flattened out completely. Rushed to hospital straight away where a team of surgeons fought all night to save his life.

As the mother onion was so distressed, she had to be sedated and so sat limply in the hospital corridor while the father onion rolled up and down frantically, wearing a deep groove in the hospital carpets. Towards dawn, the operating theatre doors flung open, and the surgeon rushed out, pulling the mask from his face, and dashing the perspiration from his eyes. He walked towards the father onion, who rolled up anxiously and said, "What? What?! Tell me what ... is he ... will he ... just tell me." The surgeon said gravely, "Don't worry, he'll live. But ... I'm afraid he'll be a vegetable for the rest of his life."


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## GoneBaroque

When Noah was finished building the Ark he gathered al the animals and began to lead them in. There were objections to the reptiles being allowed on board, so Noah cut down some trees, tied them together and put the reptiles on the raft which he had towed behind the Ark. When they had been sailing for several days the children were on deck and saw two snakes on the raft making love. Noah saw in this a wonderdul teaching opportunity and announced to the children. You see, Adders can multiply on a log table!

Rob


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## science

Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate 9.

--- 

Once in a tiny kingdom, I think it was in Germany but I'm not a historian, there was a count who stole the crown jewels and ran away with the queen. Somehow the queen actually got away with the jewels, but the count was caught. He refused to say where the jewels and the queen were, and as the king wanted them back he tortured the count, but to no avail. In desperation he put the count on the guillotine, threatening to cut his head off, but still the count refused. Ultimately, the king was forced to cut his head off. As the blade fell, the count shouted, "Ok, ok! I'll tell! I'll tell!" But it was too late. 

The moral of the story: Don't hatchet your counts before they chicken.


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## Aramis

Here is a joke of my own authorship:

The killer had to kill the guy had to get for a $ 5 commission has adopted and takes Gun and lurks in August on the roof opposite the building and a second bathroom window and that cleans there in August which is near to kill him and he wanted to shoot but missed and he flees to the roof color, but it do not know it and falls into his apartment and getting to go on the roof wants to shoot but had only one bullet and jumps to near high voltage lines naked and holding a towel so that it is not balance and falls and does not move in August because thanks to the position of the towel is not fall is the balance and you can hear that police have already heard shoots and goes and the killer's time is limited because it does not jump is afraid and is not removed from bullets so naked female photo pockets and shows ago and he says HAHA and his dick is, and so it becomes and spoils the balance and prevail, and he falls down and dies


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## superhorn

What happens when two potatoes get married? They have tater tots.

They just opened up a Ripley's Believe it or not museum in China.
Except there,it's called "Ripley's Believe It or else !"

Where does a Marxist get buried ? In a communist plot !

What is the funniest animal of all ? A stand up chameleon !

Want to know how to confuse people? Walk into an antique shop and ask What's new ?"

Tragic news. Cap'n Crunch and Tony the Tiger were found shot to death in their
homes yesterday. Police believe this to be the work of the cereal killer.


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## presto

I don’t know how true this is but I’ve always found it amusing-

Someone asked Stravinsky if he had heard any of Arnold Schoenberg music, he answered- 
“ I think I stepped in some of it on the way here!”


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## Trout

Some of you have probably heard of this one:


The symphony orchestra was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there is a long passage, about 20 minutes, during which the bass violinists have nothing to do. 

Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one. After slamming several beers in quick succession, one of them looked at his watch and said, "Hey, We need to get back!" 

"No need to panic," said a fellow bassist. "I thought we might need some extra time. So I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It will take him a few minutes to get it untangled." 

A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion.

"Well, of course," said her companion. "don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied and the bassists are loaded."


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## HarpsichordConcerto

Some really silly jokes?

John Cage, _4'33"_ ... hahaha ...


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## Polednice

HarpsichordConcerto said:


> Some really silly jokes?
> 
> John Cage, _4'33"_ ... hahaha ...


Go on! Somebody bite the bait!


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## Meaghan

Once there was a young conductor with more enthusiasm than control. When he got excited, he would wave his baton so furiously that it would sometimes fly right out of his hand. The last time this happened, the baton stuck in the head of the principal bassoonist and killed her.

Following this incident, the conductor was tried for murder, found guilty, and sentenced to death. They strapped him into the electric chair and switched it on, but the conductor was unharmed. So they accessed the city's power grid and rerouted all the power into the chair. Still, the conductor was fine. It was as if the electricity wasn't passing through him. So they rerouted all the _country's_ power into the chair. The conductor confessed it did tickle a bit.

They still haven't figured out what to do with him. I guess it's true what people always said--he's just a bad conductor.


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## Polednice

Meaghan said:


> Once there was a young conductor with more enthusiasm than control. When he got excited, he would wave his baton so furiously that it would sometimes fly right out of his hand. The last time this happened, the baton stuck in the head of the principal bassoonist and killed her.
> 
> Following this incident, the conductor was tried for murder, found guilty, and sentenced to death. They strapped him into the electric chair and switched it on, but the conductor was unharmed. So they accessed the city's power grid and rerouted all the power into the chair. Still, the conductor was fine. It was as if the electricity wasn't passing through him. So they rerouted all the _country's_ power into the chair. The conductor confessed it did tickle a bit.
> 
> They still haven't figured out what to do with him. I guess it's true what people always said--he's just a bad conductor.


The obscurity, morbidity, low-level science, and incredibly bad pun makes that joke _perfect_!


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## Huilunsoittaja

One of my favorite "music jokes," that is, funny things related to the music world, was when Stravinsky was shown how his music from his _The Rite of Spring_ was to be utilized in Disney's _Fantasia_. The cartooners showed him the pictures of the fighting and dying dinosaurs and volcanoes, to which he remarked whimsically, "Ah! _That's_ what I must have had in mind all along!" That always puts a smile on my face to think about.


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## Jules141

One lady in the butchers was to short to get the meat she wanted to buy off the top shelf.

She asked another man to try and get it for her.

"I'm afraid not Mrs" He responded.

"But why?" she said. He replied:

"The steaks are too high"


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## clavichorder

See this post:
http://www.talkclassical.com/13772-what-your-favorite-non.html

What are your favorite non organic cuisines? The answer is open to interpretation, and in the link is mine, my question, my interpretation.


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## Huilunsoittaja

I found the perfect thing for this thread!


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## Almaviva

superhorn said:


> Did you hear about the Jewish lawyer who went in to the restaurant business
> and opened a Japanese restaurant called "Sosumi " ?
> 
> Department of redundancy department.
> 
> Incontinence hotline ... can you hold ,please ?
> 
> We're the IRS - we've got what it takes to take what you've got !
> 
> Did you hear about the butcher who backed up into a meat grinding machine ?
> He got a little behind in his work.
> 
> Please forgive me for these, and don't ban me !


Ban you? I'm laughing so hard, I can't find the ban button!


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## Almaviva

Polednice said:


> Awful!
> 
> I think the fairly long ones with stupid puns are the best:
> 
> There are these two onions - a male onion, and a female onion - just minding their own business, rolling along the street, when they bang into each other and somehow feel an instant rapport. Soon after, a torrential affair begins and they can't get enough of each other. After only a few days, the two love-struck onions consummate their love and soon decide to tie the knot; get together; make it legal - be married.
> 
> Their union is blessed, as a little baby onion - a cocktail onion - is born. Of course, this meant the father had to put in extra time at the shipyard to make enough money to feed them all, and, mother onion - much encumbered with other work around the house - one day left the front door open, unintentionally letting the inquisitive baby onion roll out across the street, straight into the path of a huge lorry. He was crushed. Flattened out completely. Rushed to hospital straight away where a team of surgeons fought all night to save his life.
> 
> As the mother onion was so distressed, she had to be sedated and so sat limply in the hospital corridor while the father onion rolled up and down frantically, wearing a deep groove in the hospital carpets. Towards dawn, the operating theatre doors flung open, and the surgeon rushed out, pulling the mask from his face, and dashing the perspiration from his eyes. He walked towards the father onion, who rolled up anxiously and said, "What? What?! Tell me what ... is he ... will he ... just tell me." The surgeon said gravely, "Don't worry, he'll live. But ... I'm afraid he'll be a vegetable for the rest of his life."


This reminds me of a much shorter one.

Do you know what the two tomatoes said to each other while they were crossing the road?

"Beware of the truck... pufff."
"what truck? pufff"


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## Almaviva

presto said:


> I don't know how true this is but I've always found it amusing-
> 
> Someone asked Stravinsky if he had heard any of Arnold Schoenberg music, he answered-
> " I think I stepped in some of it on the way here!"


I think that it's a real quote, but not with Stravinsky and Schoenberg. It's with a conductor (I forgot his name) and Stockhausen. I saw it quoted as a real event in an opera book.


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## regressivetransphobe

Why did Jesus always get laid?

He was hung like this


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## Almaviva

Some classical music jokes:

Arnold Schwarzenegger has refused the role of Beethoven in an upcoming movie. His justification: "I'll be Bach"

-Why can't I find Mozart? -Because he's Haydn.

What is the difference between an orchestra and a cow? In the case of the orchestra, the horns are in the back and the *** is upfront.

Do you know what the conductor said to the incompetent female cello player? "Madam, you have between your legs an instrument that can give pleasure to thousands and all you can do is scratch it." (I think that this is a real quote, not a joke)


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## Trout

Time for more groaning 

*Rimsky Korsakoffeehouse's Menu:*
Lunch/Dinner Entrees:
Steakhausen
Ligeti & Meatballs
Barbercue Ribs
Steak Tartini
Beef Ellington
Regertoni
Pepperoni Piazzola
BBQ Pulled Porkofiev
Baby Bax Ribs
Spohrk Fried Rice
Veal-Lobos
Suk-iaki
Alfred Schnitzel
Dvorak of Lamb
Durufle Mignon 
Gluck al Orange
Chicken Khatchaturian
BeethOven Roasted Chicken
Bachwurst
Arnold Schoenburger
Minuet Steak
Taco-mitsu
Chopin Fried Steak

Breakfast Entrees:
Chopin-Cakes
Honey Nut Berlioz
Franck Toast 
Scriabin Eggs
Ham & Eggmont
Cerealism
RoCoco Puffs Variations
Special K. 525

Beverages:
Prokoffee-ev
Meyer-Beer

Appetizers:
Puccini Mushrooms
Grieg Salad w/ Hummel
Rite of Spring Rolls

Side Items:
Garden Rossini
Franck Fries
Elgarlic Bread
Marriage of Figarolls
Mozartichoke Hearts
Humperdinckel Bread
Fries & Ketchuptorian
Lohengrin Salad
Chicken Noodle Suppé
George Crumbs 
Luto-coleslaw-ski
Takamit-soup
Whole Grainger Bread
Carmina Banana
Pickled Beats

Deserts:
Crème Boulez
Raspberry in Blue
Ives Cream
Orange Schubert
Bach-la-va
Straussberry Pie
Stravinsky Lime Pie
Chocolate Mousse-orgsky
Lullypops
Glazunoved Donuts


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## Meaghan

Trout said:


> *Rimsky Korsakoffeehouse's Menu:*


Here in Portland, there _is_ a Rimsky-Korsakoffeehouse!! Each table has a different composer theme, there is an Eric Satie dummy in the bathroom, and they have an ice cream sundae called "Ship goes to pieces on a rock." In my youth orchestra, a bunch of us used to always go there after our concerts.


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## Trout

Meaghan said:


> Here in Portland, there _is_ a Rimsky-Korsakoffeehouse!! Each table has a different composer theme, there is an Eric Satie dummy in the bathroom, and they have an ice cream sundae called "Ship goes to pieces on a rock." In my youth orchestra, a bunch of us used to always go there after our concerts.


That is so cool! Too bad there isn't a local place like that in Orange County.


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## Aramis

Almaviva said:


> Do you know what the conductor said to the incompetent female cello player? "Madam, you have between your legs an instrument that can give pleasure to thousands and all you can do is scratch it." (I think that this is a real quote, not a joke)


Well, if we are by anegdotes:

Once in rehearsal with orchestra, Jerzy Maksymiuk was highly annoyed with players who did not understand him and he tried in vain to make them play as he would like them to. When his annoyance reached it's peak he shouted "all of you are dicks!". Then he noticed that there is one woman in the orchestra and added "Mrs. Ewa too!".


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## elgar's ghost

Man: Doctor, my head's turning into a strawberry.

Doctor: I'll give you some cream for it.



What's the difference between electronic drums and an onion?

No-one cries when chopping up electronic drums.


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## TxllxT

I collect Belgian jokes on the Dutch.

Comes a Dutchman at Heaven's gate. When he's about to go through, St. Peter comes forward and says: "Sorry, no Dutch are allowed to go on here". The Dutchman: "That's impossible; *I've got to get into heaven!!*. You see, I paid 50 cents for Greenpeace and 1 Euro for Amnesty..." Saint Peter scratches his beard, scratches his head and says: "Wait here, I go inside and ask". After some time he comes back and says: "Well, here you have the money back"...


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## Huilunsoittaja

Trout said:


> Time for more groaning
> 
> *Rimsky Korsakoffeehouse's Menu:*
> Lunch/Dinner Entrees:
> Steakhausen
> Ligeti & Meatballs
> Barbercue Ribs
> Steak Tartini
> Beef Ellington
> Regertoni
> Pepperoni Piazzola
> BBQ Pulled Porkofiev
> Baby Bax Ribs
> Spohrk Fried Rice
> Veal-Lobos
> Suk-iaki
> Alfred Schnitzel
> Dvorak of Lamb
> Durufle Mignon
> Gluck al Orange
> Chicken Khatchaturian
> BeethOven Roasted Chicken
> Bachwurst
> Arnold Schoenburger
> Minuet Steak
> Taco-mitsu
> Chopin Fried Steak
> 
> Breakfast Entrees:
> Chopin-Cakes
> Honey Nut Berlioz
> Franck Toast
> Scriabin Eggs
> Ham & Eggmont
> Cerealism
> RoCoco Puffs Variations
> Special K. 525
> 
> Beverages:
> *Prokoffee-ev*
> Meyer-Beer
> 
> Appetizers:
> Puccini Mushrooms
> Grieg Salad w/ Hummel
> Rite of Spring Rolls
> 
> Side Items:
> Garden Rossini
> Franck Fries
> Elgarlic Bread
> Marriage of Figarolls
> Mozartichoke Hearts
> Humperdinckel Bread
> Fries & Ketchuptorian
> Lohengrin Salad
> Chicken Noodle Suppé
> George Crumbs
> Luto-coleslaw-ski
> Takamit-soup
> Whole Grainger Bread
> Carmina Banana
> Pickled Beats
> 
> Deserts:
> Crème Boulez
> Raspberry in Blue
> Ives Cream
> Orange Schubert
> Bach-la-va
> Straussberry Pie
> Stravinsky Lime Pie
> Chocolate Mousse-orgsky
> Lullypops
> *Glazunoved Donuts*


:lol: I was laughing my _HEAD _off seeing those, oh my gosh! That's awesome! :lol:

Yes, coffee and donuts perfectly compliment each other.  That makes my joke even better! I take a cup of Prokofiev in the morning with a Glazunoved donut. Perfect!


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## clavichorder

The conductor who said the "no but I have *trodden* in some" remark about Stockhausen was Sir Thomas Beecham.


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## GoneBaroque

Be musical when you eat; have a Bach's Lunch


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## Almaviva

clavichorder said:


> The conductor who said the "no but I have *trodden* in some" remark about Stockhausen was Sir Thomas Beecham.


 That's it! Yes! And I believe he was also the one who issued the Cello quote.


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## superhorn

Did you hear about the famous conductor who always likes to travel light?
Herbert von Carry-On.

What's the diofference between Mke Tyson and a viola ?
A viola is harder on your ear.

What's the longest viola joke ?
Harold in Italy !

What the difference between a conductor and God ?
God doesn't think he's a conductor.

What's the difference between a scud missle and a French horn player ? 
A scud missle is more accurate !



:lol: :lol: :lol:


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## Couchie

*What's the difference between a violin and a viola?*
The viola burns longer.

*How is lightning like a violist's fingers?*
Neither one strikes in the same place twice.

*How do you keep your violin from getting stolen?*
Put it in a viola case.

*What's the difference between a violin and a viola?*
You can tune the violin.

*How do you get a viola section to play spiccato?*
Write a whole note with "solo" above it.

*What's the difference between a viola and a coffin?*
The coffin has the dead person on the inside.

*What do you do with a dead violist?*
Move him back a row.

*What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline?*
You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.
*
Why do violists stand for long periods outside people's houses?*
They can't find the key and they don't know when to come in.

*Why do so many people take an instant dislike to the viola?*
It saves time.

*How can you tell when a violist is playing out of tune?*
The bow is moving.

*How was the canon invented?*
Two violists were trying to play the same passage together.

*Why is a viola solo like a bomb?*
By the time you hear it, it's too late to do anything about it.

*What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a crushed viola in the road?*
Skid marks before the skunk.

*If you throw a violist and a soprano off a cliff, which one would hit the ground first? *
Who cares?

*A conductor and a violist are standing in the middle of the road. which one do you run over first, and why?*
The conductor. Business before pleasure.

*What's the difference between a chain saw and a viola?*
If you absolutely had to, you could use a chain saw in a string quartet.

*If you're lost in the desert, what do you aim for? A good viola player, a bad viola player or an oasis?*
The bad viola player. The other two are only figments of your imagination.

*Why shouldn't you drive off a cliff in a mini with three violas in it?*
You could fit in at least one more.

*Why do people tremble with fear when someone comes into a bank carrying a violin case?*
They think he's carrying a machine gun and might be about to use it.
*Why do people tremble with fear when someone comes into a bank carrying a viola case?*
They think he's carrying a viola and might be about to use it.

*How do you get a dozen violists to play in tune?*
Shoot 11 of them.

*What's the latest crime wave in New York City?*
Drive-by viola recitals.

*What is the main reqirement at the "International Viola Competition?"*
Hold the viola from memory.


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## Huilunsoittaja

Poor violas.

I don't know any flute jokes, probably because there isn't much to make fun of them for. Although I would know my instrument's personal weaknesses. I'll have to make some up.


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## Aksel

*What is the difference between a pot of yogurt and a viola?*
The yogurt is live culture.

*What is the difference between a coffin and a viola?*
In the coffin, the corpse is on the inside.
*
Why don't violists play hide and seek?*
Because no one bothers looking for a violist
*
What separates the violas from the apes?*
The second violins

*Why are viola jokes so short?*
So that the violinists will understand them as well

*You have the choice between running over a violist and a conductor. Which one do you choose?*
The conductor. Business over pleasure.


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## Trout

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. 

Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. 

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." 

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..." 

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate. He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."


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## Huilunsoittaja

I made one up.

A man walks into a clock store. An Associate comes up to him.

"Hello, sir, are you interested in buying a clock?"
"Yes, I am. How did you know?"
"We always know. But may I make a few suggestions?"
"Um... alright, I don't need any help but--"
"Good! Because we just got a new clock in inventory! A musical clock!"
"A musical clock?"
"Yes! It plays music on the hour, whatever you program it to, and also has a really neat ticking mechanism."
"Ticking?"
"Yes, you can set it up like a metronome so that it can tick as many beats as programmed per minute, not necessarily on the second. And if you're into complicated rhythms, it can do Hemiola with 2 on 3 or 3 on 4. So what do you say? Want to try it out?"
"Um, no thank you. All I want is a clock that _keeps time_."


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## Philip

drummer jokes are the best..


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## Meaghan

Philip said:


> drummer jokes are the best..


What does an employed drummer say?
"Would you like fries with that?"

What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?
Homeless.

What do you call a drummer in a suit?
The defendant.


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## Sofronitsky

Meaghan said:


> Here in Portland, there _is_ a Rimsky-Korsakoffeehouse!! Each table has a different composer theme, there is an Eric Satie dummy in the bathroom, and they have an ice cream sundae called "Ship goes to pieces on a rock." In my youth orchestra, a bunch of us used to always go there after our concerts.


I might visit Portland just for this.


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## sospiro

HarpsichordConcerto said:


> Some really silly jokes?
> 
> John Cage, _4'33"_ ... hahaha ...





Polednice said:


> Go on! Somebody bite the bait!


Okay Okay I'll bite


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## regressivetransphobe

Why haven't you heard of Caylee Anthony?

-> Because she's so underground. <-

too soon?


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## Serge

4'33" = 6'9"

That’s how tall a composer John Cage must have imagined he was. In his dreams!

(OK, I gave it away.)


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## Vazgen

What's the difference between a drummer and a bassist?
About a half a beat.

How do you get a guitarist to stop playing?
Put sheet music in front of him.

The wife loves this one:

How do you get a drummer off your porch?
Pay him for the pizza.

-Vaz


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## Almaviva

Vazgen said:


> What's the difference between a drummer and a bassist?
> About a half a beat.
> 
> How do you get a guitarist to stop playing?
> Put sheet music in front of him.
> 
> The wife loves this one:
> 
> How do you get a drummer off your porch?
> Pay him for the pizza.
> 
> -Vaz


The wife? Are you a male? I had always assumed the opposite, given your avatar (not the first time it happens).


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## Meaghan

Almaviva said:


> The wife? Are you a male? I had always assumed the opposite, given your avatar (not the first time it happens).


Haha, I did that with jhar, and was confused when I saw people calling him "Gaston."


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## Serge

Anybody can play drums.


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## Vazgen

Almaviva said:


> The wife? Are you a male? I had always assumed the opposite, given your avatar (not the first time it happens).


That's Isabel Bayrakdarian. I'm just an average guy.

-Vaz


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## Almaviva

Vazgen said:


> That's Isabel Bayrakdarian. I'm just an average guy.
> 
> -Vaz


 Oh, OK. The Zerlina in the M22 Don Giovanni. I hadn't recognized her.


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## kuculan

*When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..." Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered, "There's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing." *

This is one very bad joke, that i read today in http://www.last.fm/music/Ludwig+van+Beethoven . I guess this is joke I hope !


----------



## Couchie

*Why did the boy drop his ice cream? *
Because he was hit by a bus.


----------



## Meaghan

Couchie said:


> *Why did the boy drop his ice cream? *
> Because he was hit by a bus.


Oh dear! I laughed and then felt terrible.


----------



## Sofronitsky

Couchie said:


> *Why did the boy drop his ice cream? *
> Because he was hit by a bus.


A fellow anti-joke enthusiast, I see!

*How do you confuse a blonde?*
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.


----------



## TxllxT

*Old Classic*

One day an English lord at last has come that far that he is about to marry. The day before the marriage he comes to his mother and says: "Mother, what do I have to do when we are married and the night of nights is coming?" She says: "Don't you worry; when the marriage night has come and you both will be in the marriage bed, you just put your hand on her belly and say: "Lady, I love you!". So the day of the marriage comes and in the night they are both in the marriage bed. He puts his hand on her belly and says: "Lady, I love you!" She answers with a sniping whoosh: "*Lower*!" ...........

He lowers his voice to his deepest bass and says: "Lady, I love you!"................


----------



## Huilunsoittaja

Sofronitsky said:


> *How do you confuse a blonde?*
> Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.


Yes, that did confuse me... because I'm blonde? I don't know.


----------



## TxllxT

*Old Classic nr.2*

The English lord mentioned above has a brother, who also is going to get married. During the wedding night he remains standing in front of the bedroom window, looking out at the stars. His wife says: "Why do you not come into the bed???" He answers: "My mother said: This night will be your most beautiful night ever!" ................


----------



## Philip

Couchie said:


> *Why did the boy drop his ice cream? *
> Because he was hit by a bus.


What do you call a big white cube that goes vroom vroom?


----------



## Philip

Philip said:


> What do you call a big white cube that goes vroom vroom?


A racing fridge


----------



## superhorn

A guy goes into a pet store and notices three parrots on display at truly exorbitant prices.
He asks the clerk why they're so ridiculously expensive. The clerk says "Well, there are no ordinary parrots. They are trained in cassical music and have incredible abilities.
The first parrot costs $10,000. Clerk : "This parrot has an amazingly beautiful voice.
She can sing every aria written by Mozart and knows them by heart". "Amazing", says the guy.
The second parrot was $20,000 . "This parrot can sing Wagner's entire Ring from memory.
No kididng !" "Wow !" And why is the third one going for $30,000 ?"
"Well, we don't actually know why, but the other two call him maestro !"


----------



## kv466

How many TC members does it take...uh,...nevermind


----------



## Meaghan

kv466 said:


> How many TC members does it take...uh,...nevermind


Nooo, I want to hear the rest!


----------



## Almaviva

Two TC members get in a bar... uh, ... nevermind


----------



## Aramis

Why don't TC members have any mirrors in their houses?
Because Mirror Image is banned HO HO HO


----------



## Bix

Aramis said:


> Why don't TC members have any mirrors in their houses?
> Because Mirror Image is banned HO HO HO


:lol: :lol: :lol:


----------



## Meaghan

Aramis said:


> Why don't TC members have any mirrors in their houses?
> Because Mirror Image is banned HO HO HO


Mirror Image was banned before I joined (so, over a year ago), and people still talk about him. This member must have been something.


----------



## Couchie

*Why did the boy fall off the swing?*
Because he had no arms.


----------



## Aksel

*What's red and sits in a corner?
*
Little James after he's been playing with the cheese-slicer.

*
What's green and sits in a corner?*

Little James after three months.


----------



## TxllxT

*Classic from Communist times*

Ceauşescu was Rumania's dictator. When he died, he went straight down to hell. All dictators, you know, go straight to hell. But having been a dictator he was allowed by the devils :devil: to choose his own punishment. So with their tridents they poked Ceauşescu into a big hall. In the centre there was a huge cooking pot in which dictators were being boiled. Ceauşescu looked at it and said: "Well......, rather not". So he was poked with the tridents into another big hall. There in the centre was a big fire, where dictators were being skewered and roasted upon the fire. Ceauşescu looked at it and said: "Well......, rather not". The the devils :devil: with their tridents poked him into a smaller room and what did he see? Brezhnev and..............Marilyn Monroe!!!!!!!!!! And you know, what they were doing???????????????--||--||--||--!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ceauşescu looked at it and said: "Yes, I like that!!!!!!!!" But the devils :devil: poked him on with their tridents, saying: "That's not the punishment of Brezhnev; that's the punishment of Marilyn Monroe!"


----------



## Sofronitsky

There really aren't enough jokes about Marilyn Monroe being in hell.


----------



## Ravellian

I'm at work (really slow day, boss is out :devil and trying really hard not to crack up at these!!


----------



## mamascarlatti

Some seriously horribly inventive opera/dog puns on Intermezzo:

http://intermezzo.typepad.com/intermezzo/2011/07/opera-doggy-style.html


----------



## Almaviva

mamascarlatti said:


> Some seriously horribly inventive opera/dog puns on Intermezzo:
> 
> http://intermezzo.typepad.com/intermezzo/2011/07/opera-doggy-style.html


Some of these are indeed very funny!


----------



## TxllxT

*Belgian joke on the Dutch*

The Russians, Americans and the Dutch very much like to visit Mars. So in order to prepare for the long journey they will first have a try-out in a Mars-capsule on earth for 365 days. Just to find out whether&how they will be able to cope. So one Russian cosmonaut enters his capsule. He is allowed to take one suitcase with him, in which he can take personal things. The same happens to the American and the Dutchman. After 365 days they open the capsules. First the Russian comes out completely swaggering and drunk because of the vodka, of which he took a suitcase full with him. Then the American comes out completely groggy because of all the healthfood and vitaminpills of which he took a suitcase full with him. Finally the Dutchman comes out. In his mouth an enoooooormous joint. "Fire, fire! Will anybody light me with a fire!!!!!!!!"


----------



## Klavierspieler

How many egomaniacs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Only one; he holds the bulb in place, and the room revolves around him.


----------



## Badinerie

Klavierspieler said:


> How many egomaniacs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
> Only one; he holds the bulb in place, and the room revolves around him.


I heard that one, but about Soprano's!

How do you get good pitch with a Viola? You throw it in a Skip and it doesn't hit the sides.
How do you get perfect pitch with a Viola. You throw it in a Skip and it doesn't hit the sides and it lands on a Bassoon.


----------



## superhorn

What did one strawberry say to the other strawberry ? " If you weren't so fresh,
we wouldn't be in this jam !"

Two fish were in a tank . One asked the other "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

What's the difference between a conductor and God ? God doesn't think he's a conductor .


----------



## Ludders

If Roger Norrington conducted on orchestral version of that most infamous of John Cage pieces..... Would it have to be renamed _Three Minutes and Twenty One Seconds_?



(Sorry if this has already been done)


----------



## Curiosity

This one is a bit of a cliche but:

"I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming in terror like his passengers"


----------



## Andy Loochazee

A man goes to the nursing home to visit his 84 year-old father. While there he notices the nurse is giving his father hot chocolate and Viagra.

The man asks, "Why are you doing that? I mean, at his age what will it do for him?"

The nurse explains, "The hot chocolate will help him sleep."

The man says, "And the Viagra?"

"Keeps him from falling out of bed."


----------



## starthrower

What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra? 

With an orchestra, the horns are in the back and the a s s h o l e ' s in the front!


----------



## TxllxT

*At heaven's door*

A man knocks at heaven's door. Saint Peter opens a small window and asks: "Who's there?" The man gets angry. "Who's there?, who's there !? All my life on earth I've been a priest; every morning, afternoon and evening I've said my prayers and now you ask: "Who's there !!??" Meanwhile they're talking another man arrives. Heaven's gate opens up widely for him, Saint Peter gladly welcomes him, all angels rejoice and the man goes inside. The priest has watched all what happened with open mouth. He asks Saint Peter: "What on earth did he get such a welcoming fanfare? What may he have done during his life to deserve that!!??" Well, Saint Peter said. You know, during his life on earth this man happened to be an airline pilot. -- "So why", interrupted the priest him, "did he, being just a pilot and nothing more, receive such a glad reception... while *I* always have dutifully said my prayers every morning, afternoon and evening???!!! Saint Peter asked: "Now tell me honestly; how many people still happened to go on Sunday to your church? The priest started to count. Yes..., there was someone in the back; and yes,...there was this lady in the front... I guess, there must have been at least fifteen people..... 
Well, Saint Peter said, you know, during his life on earth he was a pilot. And every time the plane went down, all people on board of the plane spontaneously went praying!!


----------



## Andy Loochazee

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he managed for sex.

"What's that?" he asked.

She explained to him what sex was and he said:

"Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong! I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground, and spread her legs.
"Here," she said, pointing, "You must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp: "What the hell did you do that for?"

"Tarzan check for squirrels."


----------



## HarpsichordConcerto

... I found this hilarious.


----------



## Andy Loochazee

A guy is lying in his hospital bed, wired up with drips and monitors, breathing with the aid of an oxygen mask. A young lady comes round the ward with the tea and newspaper trolley. Approaching him she asks if there is anything she can do for him. The guy looks at her and asks "Are my testicles black?"

"I'm sorry but I'm not medical staff, I can't help you with that" she replies.

"Oh, please have a look for me, I'm really worried. Are my testicles black?"

Taking pity on his obvious distress the girl glances around the ward and, seeing there are no medical staff around, says "Alright, I'll have a look for you". She pulls back the bedcover, lifts his dick out of the way and, cupping his balls in her hand tells him, with a note of relief in her voice, "No, they look fine to me".

The patient pulls off his oxygen mask and says "I said, ‘Are my test results back’ “?


----------



## Wicked_one

A: How do you confuse a ******?
B: ???
A: 32


----------



## Andy Loochazee

A family is in an automobile driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. 

Embarrassed, and to spare her 12 year old young daughter's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect." 

To which, her daughter replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."


----------



## Andy Loochazee

*Two Aliens - a short story*

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response. The older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you" and slowly backed away.

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the earthling's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

The older alien backed further away and again warned his comrade, saying, "You probably don't want to do that! I don't think you should make him mad".

"Rubbish," replied the cocky, young alien, and with that he aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them, blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

"What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, it's that you REALLY don't want to mess with a guy who can loop his dick over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear."


----------



## hawk

Got this in a email today:

The recession has hit everybody really hard... 

My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail. 

Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries. 

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them. 

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer. 

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America. 

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names. 

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her! 

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they have to share a room. 

And, finally...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call centered in Pakistan and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck!


----------



## superhorn

One day God was very tired from all his hard work. So he went to Saint Peter to ask for some on advice on where he might stay for a nice vacation. 
Saint Peter first suggested he try Mercury. God said, "Nope, it's too small and hot because it's so close to the sun." "How about Jupiter?" "Nope. It's so big there's such heavy gravity it hurts my back". 
"I know ! How about earth? The weather's great and it's such a fun place with so many great things to do !"
God :"Are you kidding ?" "2,000 years ago I had an affair with a nice Jewish girl on earth and they still haven't stopped talking about it !"


----------



## Huilunsoittaja

I got a classic. Maybe someone has made this up before, but I never heard of it from anyone.

What's a chicken's favorite composer?

Bach Bach Bach!


----------



## Philip

Huilunsoittaja said:


> I got a classic. Maybe someone has made this up before, but I never heard of it from anyone.
> 
> What's a chicken's favorite composer?
> 
> Bach Bach Bach!


of course bach is everyone's favourite composer..

http://www.tomscott.com/osama/#xVxwuirUX-M


----------



## jalex

Can't believe we haven't had this classic yet:

What do you think of Stainer's _Crucifixion_?

A very good idea!


----------



## superhorn

More silliness : Do infants enjoy their infancy as much as adults enjoy their adultery ?

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. "I do" is probably the longest.

If a pig loses its voice is it disgruntled ?

If Fed Ex and UPS merged, would it be called Fedup ?

The Wurlitzer organ company and xerox are merging. They will soon be making
reproductive organs.

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went crazy.

Circumcision for a rabbit - a hare cut.

Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.

A Pessimist is some one who thinks that all women are bad.
An optimist is some one who hopes they are.

Reality is the only obstacle to happiness.

Jesus loves you. Every one else thinks you're an idiot.

I'm not afraid of death.I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Jack the Ripper's mother to her son : "Why don't I ever see you with the same girl twice ?"

Florida is a great place to live - if you're an orange !

Computer dating is great - if you're a computer !

Beverly Hills is so exclusive that when a woman has a baby, her Perrier breaks !

The inner city high school I went to was so tough, the student newspaper had an obituary column !

She has the reputation of being outspoken- by no one !

If you don't like the way women drive, get off the sidewalk !

The wheel was man's greatest invention - until he got behind it !

Phyllis Diller : "A peeping Tom called me the other day. He asked me to lower my shade . "

A & P and Stop-N-Shop are merging in order to start "Stop-N-Pee."

Remember the poor - it costs nothing !

The difference between California and yogurt is that yogurt has an active culture.

What has 175 legs and five teeth ? The front row at a Wilie Nelson concert !

Pollution is so bad in New York, the Statue of Liberty is holding her nose !

Crime is so bad in New York, the Statue of Liberty has her arms up !

Crime is so bad in new York, a police dog got mugged by a gang of squirrels
in central park ! 







:lol: :lol: :lol:


----------



## Almaviva

^These are some of the best ever. I particularly like the odd number of legs in the front row, implying amputees on top of edentulous people.:lol:


----------



## Amfibius

Some analogies penned by high school students (these are 100% real) 

1. Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
2. He was as tall as a 6′3″ tree.
3. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
4. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
5. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
6. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
7. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
8. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
9. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
10. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
11. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
12. The lamp just sat there, like an inanimate object.
13. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
14. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
15. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at asolar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
16. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
17. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
18. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.
19. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
20. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
21. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.
22. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.
23. Even in his last years, Grand pappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it hadrusted shut.
24. He felt like he was being hunted down like a dog, in a place that hunts dogs, I suppose.
25. She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.
26. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
27. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
28. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
29. “Oh, Jason, take me!” she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.
30. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
31. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
32. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
33. The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
34. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.
35. Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like “Second Tall Man.”
36. The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
37. The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.
38. She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
39. Her pants fit her like a glove, well, maybe more like a mitten, actually.
40. Fishing is like waiting for something that does not happen very often.
41. They were as good friends as the people on “Friends.”
42. Oooo, he smells bad, she thought, as bad as Calvin Klein’s Obsession would smell if it were called Enema and was made from spoiled Spamburgers instead of natural floral fragrances.
43. The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (D-Tex.) in her first several points of parliamentary procedure made to Rep. Henry Hyde (R-Ill.) in the House Judiciary Committee hearings on the impeachment of President William Jefferson Clinton.
44. He was as bald as one of the Three Stooges, either Curly or Larry, you know, the one who goes woo woo woo.
45. The sardines were packed as tight as the coach section of a 747.
46. Her eyes were shining like two marbles that someone dropped in mucus and then held up to catch the light.
47. The baseball player stepped out of the box and spit like a fountain statue of a Greek god that scratches itself a lot and spits brown, rusty tobacco water and refuses to sign autographs for all the little Greek kids unless they pay him lots of drachmas.
48. I felt a nameless dread. Well, there probably is a long German name for it, like Geschpooklichkeit or something, but I don’t speak German. Anyway, it’s a dread that nobody knows the name for, like those little square plastic gizmos that close your bread bags. I don’t know the name for those either.
49. She was as unhappy as when someone puts your cake out in the rain, and all the sweet green icing flows down and then you lose the recipe, and on top of that you can’t sing worth a damn.
50. Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter.
51. It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before.
52. Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/[email protected] but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/[email protected] by mistake.
53. You know how in “Rocky” he prepares for the fight by punching sides of raw beef? Well, yesterday it was as cold as that meat locker he was in.
54. The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium.
55. Her lips were red and full, like tubes of blood drawn by an inattentive phlebotomist.
56. The sunset displayed rich, spectacular hues like a .jpeg file at 10 percent cyan, 10 percent magenta, 60 percent yellow and 10 percent black.


----------



## Almaviva

^Some of these kids are naturally born comedians. Precious stuff!


----------



## DavidMahler

oops wrong thread


----------



## Guest

Two drunk bums are staggering through an alley and see a mangy dog licking himself. One says, "Man, I wish I could do that." The other replies, "Maybe you should pet him first--he might bite."


----------



## davidsannderson

Meaghan said:


> Once there was a young conductor with more enthusiasm than control. When he got excited, he would wave his baton so furiously that it would sometimes fly right out of his hand. The last time this happened, the baton stuck in the head of the principal bassoonist and killed her.
> 
> Following this incident, the conductor was tried for murder, found guilty, and sentenced to death. They strapped him into the electric chair and switched it on, but the conductor was unharmed. So they accessed the city's power grid and rerouted all the power into the chair. Still, the conductor was fine. It was as if the electricity wasn't passing through him. So they rerouted all the _country's_ power into the chair. The conductor confessed it did tickle a bit.
> 
> They still haven't figured out what to do with him. I guess it's true what people always said--he's just a bad conductor.


That was the famous Zubin Beckmesser.
Don't blame me for that one, blame the Muppet Show.


----------



## Poodle

Kontrapunctus said:


> Two drunk bums are staggering through an alley and see a mangy dog licking himself. One says, "Man, I wish I could do that." The other replies, "Maybe you should pet him first--he might bite."


Haha that made me laugh :lol:


----------



## Totenfeier

Riffing on the Stop-n-Pee one above:

Did you hear that Dolly Parton bought up the Big Lots, Piggly-Wiggly and Harris-Teeter chains?

She's going to consolidate them. The new store will be called...





















...Big Wiggly Teeters.


----------



## Vaneyes

*These just in...*

_*I changed my iPod name to Titanic. It's syncing now.* *
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.*

*
A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.*

*
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.*

*
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.*

*
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.*

*
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.*

*
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.*

*
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.*

*
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
**
**Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.*

*
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.*

*
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!*

*
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?*

*
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.*

*
What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.*

*
**I **wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

Broken pencils are pointless.*

*
I tried to catch some fog. I mist.*

*
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .*

*
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.*

*
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.*

*
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.*

*
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.*

*
Velcro: what a rip off!*

*
Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.*

*
Venison for dinner? Oh, deer!*

*
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.*

*
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.*




*A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."*




*A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."*






*Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"*






*"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sound**s* *like* *Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "Well, It's Not Unusual."*




*Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.*




*An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.*






*Deja Moo: the feeling that you've heard this bull before.*




*I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.*





*
I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.*





*
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.*





*
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".*





*
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.*





*
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."*

_


----------



## Bettina

Have you heard about Schoenberg's favorite drink? Gin without tonic.*

*I suspect that I may be plagiarizing this joke from another TC member, and I apologize if this is indeed the case!


----------



## Vaneyes

Bettina said:


> Have you heard about Schoenberg's favorite drink? Gin without tonic.*
> 
> *I suspect that I may be plagiarizing this joke from another TC member, and I apologize if this is indeed the case!


Ripoff of a ripoff? No bother.


----------



## geralmar

Then there was the dyslexic devil worshipper who sold his soul to Santa.


----------



## hpowders

TC musical historians:

Did sheet music originate with the KKK?

Jus' askin'.....


----------



## Ingélou




----------



## Animal the Drummer

If elbows, hats and cell phones were regarded as "one thing" in the Fifties they clearly didn't have much in the way of numeracy either.

In other news, a new biopic of Mick Jagger is in production. Working title: "Pucker Lips Now".


----------



## TennysonsHarp

A boy comes home from school and says to his mother: "Ma, Ma, I had so much fun playing with the orchestra today!"

His mother replies: "What was so fun, sweetie?"

"We're performing the 1812 Overture, and I learned a new instrument!"

"What instrument, sweetie?"

"Field Artillery!"


----------



## Kjetil Heggelund

A young boy comes to his guitar-teacher and finds a gun in his guitarcase..."Oh, no! Now Dad's in the bank with my guitar!"


----------



## SixFootScowl

Have you lost weight recently?

I found it and would like to return it to you.


----------



## aleazk

Rene Descartes was having sex with his wife when their son slams the door of the house. "Do you think he heard us?", she asks, to which Rene replies "I think not", and then completely disappears.


----------



## Larkenfield

"Wanted: autobiographer"


----------



## ldiat

how does a farmer count his herd of cows??
with a COWculator


----------



## ldiat

what is the medical term for having "too many dogs"?

.................Roverdose:lol:


----------



## Larkenfield

SIGMUND DERMAN SAYS:

I once went to a piano destruction concert. At the end we all applauded and called for an encore.

But there was nothing left to play.


----------



## Larkenfield

Bugs Bunny’s new three-act ‘hopera’—“What’s up, Doc?”—with Elmer Fudd starring as Enrico Caruso, will be premiered in the cabbage patch at La Scala on October 1. Carrot salad, cannolis, cannabis, and champagne will be served as refreshments during the 3-hour nap and intermission the Italians are so fond of. Tickets are nonrefundable. —Lark


----------



## Josquin13

A man was out of work and hoping to find a job with a circus. When the circus came to town, he saw a sign outside the big tent that read, "Acts wanted, apply within". He stepped inside the tent and found himself standing in a long line of people waiting to see the ringmaster. When it finally came to be his turn, the ringmaster looked him square in the eye and asked, "What's your act?" The man replied, "Well... I-I-I do bird impressions." "Bird impressions?," the manager responded incredulously, "Bird impressions? Are you kidding me? Everybody does bird impressions. Get outta here!" So the man exited the tent, and flew away.


----------



## Totenfeier

A man walks into an agent's office with his dog.

"I got the greatest act in the world!" he announces. "My talking dog!"

"Uh huh," sighs the agent, obviously unimpressed.

"Hey Buddy!" says the guy. "What's on top of a house?"

"Roof!" answers Buddy, excitedly wagging his tail.

"Didja see that? Didja see that?" says the guy. "Now, Buddy, who was the greatest baseball player of all time?"

"Roof!" answers Buddy, jumping up and down in excitement.

The agent has them thrown violently out of his office.

Dazed, Buddy asks the guy, "You think maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"


----------



## hpowders

Is Glazunov simply not Godunov?


----------



## starthrower

Why didn't the sun go to college? It's already got 10 million degrees! Har, har...


----------



## starthrower

What did the husband of a middle aged woman tell her when she asked him to pay for breast enhancement surgery?

"We can't afford that. Just rub some toilet paper on them. It worked on your behind."


----------



## Dorsetmike

One afternoon a group of women shopping in the high street came upon an old man who looked to be about 90 years old who was collapsed against a shop doorway crying his eyes out. They carefully approached and since he looked like a reasonable kind of person they decided it would be safe to talk to him.

"Why are crying so hard ?" said one of the women.

Between sobs the 90 year old man said " I've just married a 19 year old girl who loved me like no-one has ever loved me. She always wears stockings and suspenders because she knows what I like, she makes love to me three times a day, cooks me wonderful meals, and in between love making bouts she cleans the house"

With that he resumed his awful sobbing - his whole body shaking and his face soaked with tears.

"Have you just found out she is being unfaithful?" one of the women asked.

"No - she won't even look at another man" he replied. "She is waiting at home now in a black negligee to make love to me right now"

"Then why are crying like this?" she asked.

He looked up at her kind face and blurted out between sobs "Because I can't remember where I live"


----------



## Dorsetmike

A Guy wants a divorce. He tells the judge, “I just can’t take it anymore. Every night she’s out until way after midnight, just going from bar to bar.”

The Judge asks, “What’s she doing?”

The guy answers, “Looking for Me!”


----------



## Dorsetmike

Before I became a musician I worked in the circus. They kept me on for ten years.I was the only one who could get the tent back in the bag.........


----------



## Dorsetmike

Bob hears that his sickly father is leaving him his entire fortune. He decides he needs a woman to celebrate and goes to a bar.

In walks the most beautiful woman he's ever seen. He sidles up to her and says: "I may not be much to look at but very soon I'm going to be millionaire"

She goes home with him and three days later...

She becomes his stepmother


----------



## Dorsetmike

Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Logan received his plate, he started eating right away.
"Logan, wait until we say our prayer," his mother reminded him.
"I don't have to," the little boy replied.
"Of course you do," his mother insisted, "we say a prayer before eating at our house."
"That's at our house," Logan explained, "but this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook."


----------



## LezLee

Ingélou said:


>


Not all true! Probably written by an American, 'cell phones' being a giveaway.
Lots of men coming back from India had a liking for curry and my mum used to make curried beef on a Saturday. There were Indian and Chinese restaurants in Liverpool and I had my first Chinese curry in 1957.
Plenty of oranges around, I remember making orange marmalade at school in the '50s.
Shish kebab was available in some restaurants.
Yoghurt was also available but no-one ate it for pleasure.
The Welsh have been using seaweed to make laverbread for centuries.

 :devil:


----------



## hpowders

I'm shopping around for a new dentist after he took one long look at my teeth and queried, "Water Pique, Dame?"


----------



## Kjetil Heggelund

The man who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.


----------



## Dorsetmike

A young boy, about 12 opened the door.
"Is yer pa home?" the farmer asked.
"No sir he ain't," the boy replied. "He went to town."
"Well said the farmer, is yer ma here?"
"No, she ain't here either.She went to town with pa."
"How about your brother, Joe, is he here?"
"He went with ma and pa."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do fer ya?", the boy inquired politely. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to bore one. Or maybe I could take a message fer pa."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably. "I really wanted to talk to your pa. It's about your brother Joe getting my daughter, Jeannie, pregnant."
The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to pa about that", he finally conceded. "But if it helps you any, I know that pa charges £50 for the bull and £25for the boar hog but I really don't know how much he gets for Joe.


----------



## Dorsetmike

Kjetil Heggelund said:


> The man who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.


Alternative version -

The man who invented predictive test has died - his funfair will be hello on Sundial


----------



## Merl

Dorsetmike said:


> Alternative version -
> 
> The man who invented predictive test has died - his funfair will be hello on Sundial


You must have my tablet. It's just substituted T'oscanini' with 'volcanic'.


----------



## Dorsetmike

There was a musican called Gager
Who, as the result of a wager,
Consented to [email protected]
The whole oboe part
Of Mozart's Quartet in F major


----------



## Dorsetmike

Exerpt from the boss man's manual (actually had a boss who frequently used this)

"Don't confuse me with facts - my mind's made up"


----------



## Dorsetmike

I've been back to the doc again. I've been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
He says I have Feefiphobia.


----------



## Dorsetmike

Scene: costume party

A: what are you dressed as?
B: can't you tell, I'm a harp!
A: your costume is too small to be a harp...
B: calling me a lyre?!


----------



## Dorsetmike

‘OLD’ IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, ‘Let’s go upstairs
and make love,’ and you answer,
‘Pick one; I can’t do both!’

‘OLD’ IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you
on your new alligator shoes
and you’re barefoot.

‘OLD’ IS WHEN...
Going braless
pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

‘OLD’ IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead
of by the police

‘OLD’ IS WHEN...
‘Getting lucky’ means you find your car in the
parking lot.

‘OLD’ IS WHEN...
An ‘all-nighter’ means not getting up
to use the bathroom.

AND

‘OLD’ IS WHEN...
You are not sure these are funny?


----------



## Dorsetmike

As a kid I was made to walk the plank.

We couldn't afford a dog.

------------------------------------

I bought a 12yr old scotch. His parents weren't pleased about that. 

----------------------------------------

Disappointed - but not overly surprised - to see the origami world championships are only available to watch on paper view telly...


----------



## Dorsetmike

It turns out that one of my ancestors was Arabian, lived in a lamp,and granted people three wishes. It’s amazing what you can find out from a genieology test.


----------



## Dorsetmike

Apologies in advance to any Blondes reading this:
-----------------------------------

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.

After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, 'What's the story?'

He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'

She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

---------------------------
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together.

Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'
---------------------------
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed,
then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed;
likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?

'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'

'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'
-----------------------------------------------------
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night... It was her turn.
She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was,
'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?'
She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'
------------------------------------------------------------------------

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs,
and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'
'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!


----------



## Dorsetmike

There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who said, 'It is just as I feared!
Two Owls and a Hen,
Four Larks and a Wren,
Have all built their nests in my beard!' 

Edward Lear.


----------



## Totenfeier

Edward Lear will always get a thumbs up from me.


----------



## SixFootScowl

What did Sparticus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife?

Nothing - he's Gladiator!


----------



## Metairie Road

Fritz Kobus said:


> What did Sparticus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife?
> 
> Nothing - he's Gladiator!


I'm am Sparticus.

Where are the cannibals when you need them?


----------



## Totenfeier

Two cannibals are eating a PlayStation user.

One says to the other, "I dunno...a little too gamey for me."


----------



## Dorsetmike

Or possibly the original cannibals one

Two cannibals eating a clown, one says does this taste funny?


----------



## Totenfeier

Two cannibals are eating each other.

Both of them say, "You know...I think you have really good taste."

(Unlike this joke).


----------



## SixFootScowl

Two cannibals are sitting around a campfire. One says to the other, "I hate my mother-in-law." The other says, "Then just eat the vegetables."

What did the cannibal get when he came home late for dinner? The cold shoulder.

Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his brother in the woods?

The cannibal had a wife and 8 kids.

What’s a cannibal’s favorite dessert? Lady fingers.

Why wont cannibals eat divorced women? Just to Bitter.

A Man Gets Captured By Cannibals Every day they poke him with spears and use his blood to wash down their food. Finally the guy calls the chief over and says, “You can kill me or you can eat me, but I’m tired of getting stuck for drinks.”


----------



## LezLee

Definition of a parasite:

Someone who goes through a swing door on somebody else’s push


----------



## Dorsetmike

Two men were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn’t understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, ‘I’m impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don’t get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?’

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, ‘Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we’re normally a three-person team. But today the guy who plants the trees called in sick.


----------



## Dorsetmike

The Annual Spoonerism Conference was hit by rumours of a delegate food shortage. This was attributed to a pack of lies.


----------



## Dorsetmike

A blonde in her fourth freshman year at University of Michigan while sitting in her U.S. Government Class, was asked by her professor if she knew what the Roe vs. Wade decision was about.

She sat for quite a while pondering this very profound question, finally sighed, and answered, “I think that is the decision George Washington made prior to crossing the Delaware!”


----------



## Dorsetmike

When I was younger, at weddings my older relatives would poke me in the side and say, “You’re next.”

They stopped doing that, when I started doing the same to them – at funerals.

✧ ✧ ✧

Some people use statistics like a drunken man uses a lamppost – for support, not illumination.


----------



## Dorsetmike

I notice a great increase in he number of items falling from tables and other work surfaces also falling from between my fingers;

this leads me to believe that gravity is getting stronger


----------



## Barbebleu

Two women talking and one says to the other - I made my husband a millionaire.

Her friend replies - what was he before?

The first woman replies back - a multi-millionaire!


----------



## geralmar

Dorsetmike said:


> A blonde in her fourth freshman year at University of Michigan while sitting in her U.S. Government Class, was asked by her professor if she knew what the Roe vs. Wade decision was about.
> 
> She sat for quite a while pondering this very profound question, finally sighed, and answered, "I think that is the decision George Washington made prior to crossing the Delaware!"


Hey! That's my alma mater. I can assure you my colleagues were somewhat smarter than that.


----------



## Dorsetmike

geralmar said:


> Hey! That's my alma mater. I can assure you my colleagues were somewhat smarter than that.


Even the blondes?


----------



## Dorsetmike

Politically Correct Christmas Music

I saw that some radio stations are refusing to play “Baby It’s Cold Outside,” because a handful of hysterical people have lost their minds.

Why stop there? Here are some other holiday classics that should also definitely be banned...

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: condones cheating

The Christmas Song: Open fire? Pollution. Folks dressed up like Eskimos? Cultural appropriation

Holly Jolly Christmas: Kiss her once for me? Unwanted advances

White Christmas? Racist

Santa Claus is Coming to Town: Sees you when you’re sleeping? Knows when you’re awake? Peeping Tom stalker

Most Wonderful Time of the Year: Everyone telling you be of good cheer? Forced to hide depression

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer: Bullying

It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas: Forced gender-specific gifts: dolls for Janice and Jen and boots and pistols (GUNS!) for Barney and Ben

Santa Baby: Gold digger, blackmail

Frosty the Snowman: Sexist; not a snow woman

Do You Hear What I Hear: blatant disregard for the hearing impaired

Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas: Make the yuletide GAY? Wow, just wow

Jingle Bell Rock: Giddy up jingle horse, pick up your feet: animal abuse

Mistletoe and Holly: Overeating, folks stealing a kiss or two? How did this song ever see the light of day?

Winter Wonderland: Parson Brown demanding they get married ... forced partnership

I’ll Be Home For Christmas: Not if you are homeless. That’s just Insensitive


----------



## Totenfeier

Not to MENTION that, in The Christmas Song, it should have been INUIT, not ESKIMO! "Eater of raw meat," indeed! What a gratuitous INSULT to one of the First Peoples! You know what? I think this entire THREAD is triggering me! NO ONE and NOTHING should be made fun of, or laughed at! EVERYONE and EVERYTHING SHOULD BE AS SERIOUS AS DEATH, SO THAT WE CAN HAVE A JUST AND ENLIGHTENED SOCIETY! 










































Except blondes. Why does a blonde wear soft shoulder pads in her blouse?
(Toss head from side to side). "Oh, I dunno..."




























And ********. You might be a ******* if you contacted the Federal Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms to cater your wedding to your cousin.











































And Trump voters. How can you tell a Trump votYOU CAN'T TELL A TRUMP VOTER ANYTHING RATIONAL AND HAVE THEM BELIEVE YOU!!!




















...sorry. Got carried away there. Long day.


----------



## Dorsetmike

Today's crop

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, “What time is it?”

The tower responded, “Who is calling?”

The aircraft replied, “What difference does it make?”

The tower replied, “It makes a lot of difference ... If it is a commercial flight, it is 3 o’clock. If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it’s Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to “Happy Hour.”
----------------------------------------------------
During training exercises, a lieutenant driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel. “Your jeep stuck, sir?” asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside. “Nope,” replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys. “Yours is.”
----------------------------------------------------
Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when a soldier knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the man to enter, then said into the phone, “Yes, General, I’ll be seeing him this afternoon and I’ll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir.” Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, “What do you want?”

“Nothing important, sir,” the man replied, “I’m just here to hook up your telephone.”


----------



## Dorsetmike

Another day in paradise...

a few days after the creation God strolled leisurely through the garden Eden pleased with what he saw.

under one of the trees was Adam lazing in the sun chewing on a stem of sweet grass.

howzit going buddy? God said.

well, said Adam good so far - but I am bored out of my mind!- nothing to do!

we can't have that says God- gimme a few days and i will come up with something!

next time they meet god says: boy have I got the thing for you! Funny, entertaining and cuddly- but it will cost you a little!

how much? says Adam.

well, God replies, not much-just an arm and a leg!

Adam starts wailing and pulling his hair

so God (not used to these tantrums yet) says:

well I see, how much are you willing to give?

feeling the upper hand Adam says:

What do I get for a rib?


----------



## Dorsetmike

I'm buying my wife a prosthetic for Christmas. It's not her main present, it's just a stocking filler.


----------



## Strange Magic

A country squire was holding forth at the dinner table on the unmatched clarity and expressiveness of the English language. He picked up an implement from the setting before him, and displayed it grandly to all seated about. "Now the French", he said, nodding at the object in his hand, "call this a couteau. The Germans call it a Messer. The Spanish call it a cuchillo. But we English, we call it a knife, and, by Jove, _that's just what it is!_"


----------



## Ingélou

Strange Magic said:


> A country squire was holding forth at the dinner table on the unmatched clarity and expressiveness of the English language. He picked up an implement from the setting before him, and displayed it grandly to all seated about. "Now the French", he said, nodding at the object in his hand, "call this a couteau. The Germans call it a Messer. The Spanish call it a cuchillo. But we English, we call it a knife, and, by Jove, _that's just what it is!_"


:tiphat: My favourite joke of this millennium. :lol:


----------



## Art Rock

Two clowns are eating a cannibal.
One turns to the other and says “I think we got this joke wrong”.


----------



## ldiat

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for fruit punch. The bartender tells him he'll have to get in line. The man looks around, but there is no punch line.


----------



## Ingélou

A man has just been run over by a red lorry, then a yellow lorry, then a red lorry, then a yellow lorry...

The police said there was no easy way to tell his family.


----------



## Kjetil Heggelund

A farmer had 2 horses. To tell them apart, he cut off the tail on one. Only then did he see that the black horse was taller than the white...


----------



## Kjetil Heggelund

What do you think about Marx?
I haven't read the book, but love all their movies!


----------



## Luchesi

I've been very busy writing a book. 

I've got the page numbers all done!


----------



## Dorsetmike

An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?'
'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.'
The emu says, ' Sounds great, I'll have the same.'

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man..
' Same for me,' says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?'

'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.' says the man.
Still curious the waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'

The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big bum and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.

-----------------------


----------



## Totenfeier

Strange Magic said:


> A country squire was holding forth at the dinner table on the unmatched clarity and expressiveness of the English language. He picked up an implement from the setting before him, and displayed it grandly to all seated about. "Now the French", he said, nodding at the object in his hand, "call this a couteau. The Germans call it a Messer. The Spanish call it a cuchillo. But we English, we call it a knife, and, by Jove, _that's just what it is!_"


In his standup act, Steve Martin used to complain, disgustedly, "Those FRENCH!...It's like they have a different word for EVERYTHING!" He goes on about an American who tries to speak French and nearly chokes to death, and about how he practiced saying "omelette du fromage" so he'd be ready for the waiter, but didn't realize what would happen if the waiter thought you could speak French: Waiter: (French gibberish). Steve Martin: "YES." "I found out I had ordered a shoe with cheese on it, and I had also told the waiter to force it down my throat: 'I'll have a shoe with cheese on it, force it down my throat, and I want to massage your grandmother, O.K.?'"

I also recall an anecdote about Winston Churchill, who is supposed to have said that he didn't much care what the Iranians wanted to call their country, but in English, it's Persia. Take that, GERMANY!


----------



## Dorsetmike

What did the inventor of the 'knock-knock' jokes receive?


The Nobel prize.


----------



## Ingélou

I am self employed so if you find me talking to myself please do not disturb me, 

I am just having a staff meeting.


----------



## Meyerbeer Smith

And here is the news. This morning, five thousand dog lovers demonstrated outside Aldershot Barracks as a result of reports that soldiers had been smoking dog-ends.

(Courtesy of Spike Milligan)


----------



## Dorsetmike

Written across the wall of the cave was a line of symbols:

It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least 3,000 years old!

The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols.

They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.

The president of the society pointed to first drawing and said:

"This is a woman. We can see these people held women in high esteem.

You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey, so they were smartenough to have animals help them till the soil.

The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools to help them.

Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that during a famine, they seek food from the sea.

The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews."

The audience applauded enthusiastically.

Then an old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said,

"Idiots... Hebrew is read from right to left...

It says: 'Holy mackerel, dig the *** on that chick".


----------



## Ingélou

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer." 

The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passers-by would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. 

However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer. 

That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!"


----------



## Art Rock

Just spent £300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn’t include a driver.

Can’t believe I’ve spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it…


----------



## LezLee

A couple were both aged 95 years and had been married for 77 years. 

Though they were far from rich still, they managed to get by, because the wife always carefully counted and watched their pennies as well as their pounds. And although not young, they were still both in extremely good health, largely due to the wife’s strict insistence on them only ever eating healthy foods and participating in tough daily exercise routines.

One day however, their long life of good health unfortunately didn't help to save them - when they finally went off on their first-ever vacation and, before they even got there, their plane crashed sending them straight off to Heaven. 

Once they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter escorted them inside and took them to a beautiful mansion furnished in pure gold and fine silks - with a fully-stocked kitchen and a beautiful natural waterfall instead of a shower in the master bathroom. There was also a maid who was hanging up all of their favourite clothes in the closet, and they both gasped in astonishment when she said, 'Welcome to Heaven - this will be your home now' 

The old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost? ... 'Why, nothing,' St. Peter replied, 'this is your reward in Heaven.' The old man looked out of the window and, right there, he saw a championship golf course that was finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth ... 'Okay, what are the green fees?' grumbled the old man'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free every day.'

Next they went into the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with every imaginable cuisine all laid out before them - from seafood to steaks to exotic desserts - and all accompanied too by free-flowing beverages. 'No, don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the old man, 'this is Heaven and so it is all completely free for you to enjoy.'

The old man looked around and then glanced nervously at his wife ... 'But where are all of the low fat, low, cholesterol, sugar-free, high fibre foods and decaffeinated tea?' he asked. 'Ohhh, that's the best part,' St. Peter replied, 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or ever get sick. This is Heaven!'

The old man pushed, 'What? - no gym to work out at every day?' ... 'Not unless you want to,' was the answer. 'No testing of my blood sugar levels or blood pressure or ...' ... 'No, never again. All you have to do here is simply relax and enjoy yourself.'

The old man furiously glared at his beloved and devoted wife and screamed, 'You and your $!%?x&@ Bran Flakes!!! - but for you we could have been here years ago!!!'


----------



## Luchesi

A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer.

Bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here.."


----------



## Luchesi

Star Wars fans, in case you didn't know,

Yoda's last name is Ladyhoo.


----------



## Ingélou

A London Solicitor parked his brand-new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues.

As he was getting out of the car, a truck came speeding along too close to the kerb and took off the door before zooming off. 

More than a little distraught, the solicitor grabbed his mobile and called the police. 

Five minutes later, the police arrive. 

Before the policeman had a chance to ask any questions, the man started screaming hysterically.

"My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters, it'll simply never be the same again!" 

After the man finally finished his rant, the policeman shook his head in disgust.

"I can't believe how materialistic you Solicitors are." he said. "You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life." 

"How can you say such a thing at a time like this?" sobbed the Porsche owner. 

The policeman replied: "Didn't you realise that your arm was torn off when the truck hit you?" 

The Solicitor looked down in horror.

"Oh no!" he screamed. "Where's my Rolex?"


----------



## Dorsetmike

Apparently there's a nudist convention in town later today. I may go if I've got nothing on.


----------



## Ingélou

A classics professor goes out to a restaurant for dinner. He sits down and a waiter comes to take his order.

The professor says, “I’d like a steak, medium-rare, and a bottle of Hock.”

The waiter says, “A bottle of what?”

The professor repeats, “Hock.”

The waiter says, “What?”

The professor responds, “Hock!”

The waiter goes, “What?”

The professor becomes irate and snaps “Hic, haec, hoc, hunc, hanc, hoc....."

The waiter scampers from the table, tail between his legs. 

Ten minutes later, the waiter reappears with the steak, but no Hock. 

The professor, annoyed, asks, “Didn’t I order a bottle of Hock?” 

The waiter replies, “You did sir, but then you declined it.”


----------



## SixFootScowl

Ingélou said:


> A classics professor goes out to a restaurant for dinner. He sits down and a waiter comes to take his order.


Am afraid I am lost. Guess I should have studied harder in high school and taken a literature course. The only book I was required to read in high school, no kidding, was The Mouse and The Motorcycle.


----------



## Ingélou

Fritz Kobus said:


> Am afraid I am lost. Guess I should have studied harder in high school and taken a literature course. The only book I was required to read in high school, no kidding, was The Mouse and The Motorcycle.


Ah sorry - I saw this posted on another forum for older people & although I knew it might not suit everyone, I just couldn't resist it. For people of my age who went to grammar school, Latin was firmly on the curriculum. I found it useful, given that I became a teacher of English Language & Literature - but it couldn't have been all that useful to many school students, and did you really miss anything?

I am often left puzzled myself - I don't get half of today's jokes because we don't have a TV or know about modern films or slang expressions. And sometimes, it's just that American humour is bewilderingly different from British.

Still - thanks, OP. It's a great thread to cheer one up in the morning.


----------



## Dorsetmike

Prince Charles is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets one.

The patient replies
"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm."

Charles is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient. The patient responds
Some hae meat an canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat an we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit."

Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the Prince moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:

"Wee sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty,
O the panic in thy breasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle."

Now seriously troubled, Charles turns to the accompanying doctor and asks "Is this a psychiatric ward?"

"No," replies the doctor, "this is the Serious Burns Unit."


----------



## Dorsetmike

For those puzzled by the above,

https://inews.co.uk/culture/address-to-a-haggis-robert-burns-poem-words-translation-burns-night-2019/


----------



## SixFootScowl

Ingélou said:


> Ah sorry - I saw this posted on another forum for older people & although I knew it might not suit everyone, I just couldn't resist it. For people of my age who went to grammar school, Latin was firmly on the curriculum. I found it useful, given that I became a teacher of English Language & Literature - but it couldn't have been all that useful to many school students, and did you really miss anything?
> 
> I am often left puzzled myself - I don't get half of today's jokes because we don't have a TV or know about modern films or slang expressions. And sometimes, it's just that American humour is bewilderingly different from British.
> 
> Still - thanks, OP. It's a great thread to cheer one up in the morning.


Glad I wasb't subjected to learning Latin. I once read a book by Dr. Ruth Beechick. She said that the rule to not end a sentence with a preposition is really not needed in English, that it was a carry over from Latin.

I also missed (thankfully) having to memorize the entire catechism and explanations of it because my mother only went to Church on Easter and Christmas, if that. I heard stories about it. I joined the Church at the age of 24 and only had to take a 10-week adult information class (extremely inadequate, but what are they going to do with busy adults?).

As for television, when I got married back in 1989, my wife asked if we could skip having a television. Since I loved books, it worked for me and so we have not watched television since 1989. Because of that, I consider myself culturally illiterate--and proud of the fact! :lol:


----------



## SixFootScowl

Dorsetmike said:


> For those puzzled by the above,
> 
> https://inews.co.uk/culture/address-to-a-haggis-robert-burns-poem-words-translation-burns-night-2019/


Maybe someone start a new thread:

Puzzling Jokes--see if you can figure them out.


----------



## SixFootScowl

A young investment banker goes out and buys the car of his dreams - a brand new Ferrari GTO. After paying $500,000, he takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light. While waiting for the light to change, an frail looking old man on a yellow moped pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the Ferrari and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, Sonny?"

The young man replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"

"Wheeewee... that's a lot of money," says the old man as he tucks his thumbs up against his suspenders. "Why does it cost so much?"

"Because this car can do up to 320 kilometers an hour!" states the banker proudly.

The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"

"No problem," replies the proud new owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around at all the bells and whistles lining the dashboard. Sitting back on his moped, the old man whistles and says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right... but I'll stick with my moped!"

Just then the light changes, so the banker decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 160 kph! Suddenly, he notices a yellow dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be, and suddenly... Whoooooosssshhhhh! Something blows by him, going much faster!

"What could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 kph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped! Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 275 kph. Whoooooosssshhhhh!

He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again! Dumbfounded, the banker floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 kph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again!

The Ferrari red lines and there's nothing more he can do! Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The young man stops and jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh my! Is there anything I can do for you?" The old man whispers with his dying breath... "Unhook... my... suspenders... from... your.... side view mirror."


----------



## Dorsetmike

Wife - Do you want something to eat?

Husband - what are the choices?

Wife - yes and no


----------



## Ingélou

As you know, I belong to a Historical Re-enactment Society. 

And last night, Arabella - my girlfriend and love of my life, surprised and delighted me by offering to polish up my medieval battle uniform whilst I went to the pub. 

She said she just fancied a night in, shining armour.


----------



## Dorsetmike

What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen sheep farmer? 

The Rolling Stones say: "Hey you, get offa my cloud." 

And an Aberdeen sheep farmer says: "Hey McLeod, get offa ma ewe."


----------



## Zofia

HarpsichordConcerto said:


> Some really silly jokes?
> 
> John Cage, _4'33"_ ... hahaha ...


Oof XD

Instead of "the John," I call my toilet "the Jim." That way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim first thing every morning


----------



## Zofia

Knock Knock

Who is there?

Zofia! OWO


----------



## Dorsetmike

What did our parents do to kill boredom before the internet and social media?

I asked my 26 siblings and they didn't know either


----------



## Dorsetmike

We've just come back from a holiday in Spain; my wife didn't enjoy it because evryone spoke English and the food was like we eat at home.
Next holiday I want to go somewhere where they eat wierd stuff and you can't understand a word they say!

So I've just booked a fortnight in Scotland.


----------



## Dorsetmike

My teacher told me I be no good at poetry due to my dyslexia, but so far I've made three jugs and a vase' so ut: Mr Smiff


----------



## Zofia

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

To.

To who?

No, to whom.


----------



## Flamme




----------



## Zofia

Sorry you know I love Germany but Father came up with this one.

Would you care for some nice wine?

Yes please! French? Italian?

German...

LOL!



He is not the fan of the German wine says it is national shame.


----------



## Flamme

My jokes are so dark that the police is trying to beat this answer up!


----------



## SixFootScowl

Zofia said:


> Sorry you know I love Germany but Father came up with this one.
> 
> Would you care for some nice wine?
> 
> Yes please! French? Italian?
> 
> German...
> 
> LOL!
> 
> He is not the fan of the German wine says it is national shame.


Come try our Michigan wine. It is very good stuff.


----------



## SixFootScowl

What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?
.
.
.
.
A synonym roll


----------



## Dorsetmike

Wives 

Bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman – “Which book has helped you most in your life?” The woman replied, “My husband’s checkbook!!”
--------------------
A prospective husband in a book store “Do you have a book called ‘Husband – the Master of the House?’” Sales girl: “Sir, fiction and comics are on the 1st floor!”
-----------------------------
Someone asked an old man: “Even after 70 years, you still call your wife – Darling, Honey, Luv. What’s the secret?” Old man: “I forgot her name and I’m scared to ask her.”
--------------------------------
Pharmacist to customer: “Sir, please understand, to buy an anti-depression pill you need a proper prescription ... Simply showing marriage certificate and your wife’s picture is not enough!
---------------------------------------------
There are 3 kinds of men in this world. Some remain single and make wonders happen. Some have girlfriends and see wonders happen. Rest get married and wonder what happened!
------------------------------------
Wives are magicians. They can change anything into an argument.
------------------------------------
Why do women live a Better, Longer & Peaceful Life, compared to men? A very INTELLIGENT student replied: “Because women don’t have a wife!”
------------------------------------
Dear Mother-in-law, don’t teach me how to handle my children. I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement!?
------------------------------
When a married man says, I WILL THINK ABOUT IT - what he really means is that he doesn’t know his wife’s opinion yet.
--------------------------------------------------------
A lady says to her doctor: “My husband has a habit of talking in his sleep! What should I give him to cure it?”

The doctor replies: “Give him an opportunity to speak when he’s awake!”


----------



## Ingélou

Sorry if this has been posted already: I saw it on a health-related forum that I belong to.

Sid and Barney head out for a quick round of golf.

Since they are short on time, they decide to play only 9 holes.

Sid offers Barney, "Let's say we make the time worth the while, at least for one of us, and spot $5 on the lowest score for the day."

Barney agrees and they enjoy a great game.

After the 8th hole, Barney is ahead by one stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.

"Help me find my ball, you look over there," he says to Sid.

After five minutes, neither has had any luck, and since a lost ball carries a four-point penalty, Barney pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. "I've found my ball!" he announces triumphantly.

Sid looks at him forlornly, "After all the years we've been friends, you'd cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?"

"What do you mean cheat? I found my ball sitting right here!"

"And a liar, too!" Sid says with amazement. "I've been standing on your golf ball for the last five minutes!"


----------



## Strange Magic

Martha and Stumpy go to the county fair, with $10 in their pocket. Stumpy wants to ride the rides and see all the sights, but Martha keeps repeating: "No. Ten dollars is ten dollars.". A stunt pilot is offering couples flights in his small open-cockpit airplane for $10. Standing next to the airplane, Stumpy wants desperately to go but Martha keeps refusing, repeating over and over, "No. Ten dollars is ten dollars.". They argue and argue until the pilot, growing weary, tells them that he will take them up for free, but only if they promise not to utter a single word while in the air; otherwise he will charge them the full fare. Stumpy and Martha agree. The pilot helps them aboard, they become airborne, and the pilot proceeds to do loops and rolls and maneuvers, with the result that Stumpy falls out of the airplane. Upon landing and seeing that Stumpy had fallen from the cockpit, the pilot shrieks at Martha: "Why didn't you tell me your husband was in danger of falling out of the plane?!". Martha replies, "Ten dollars is ten dollars."


----------



## Zofia

Limits are bad


----------



## RockyIII

Knock, knock. Who's there? Philip Glass. Knock, knock. Who's there? Philip Glass. Knock, knock. Who's there? Philip Glass.


----------



## Dorsetmike

What happens when you play ‘Bolero’ backwards?

You become unRaveled...


----------



## Pyotr

*Men Are Just Happier People!*

What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress - $5,000. Tux rental - $100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Two pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes - one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache... You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier!
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, outcome the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337 A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.· A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!


----------



## RockyIII

When I was growing up, plastic surgery was a taboo subject. Now if you mention botox, nobody raises an eyebrow.


----------



## Dorsetmike

At the zoo I saw a baguette in a cage. Intrigued, I asked the zookeeper for an explanation. Apparently it was bread in captivity.


----------



## Dorsetmike

I guess I’ll never understand teenagers. They talk a language that I'm sure has English words in it but I don’t understand anything they say.


----------



## RockyIII

The fact there’s a highway to hell and only a stairway to heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.


----------



## Jacck

An Engineer was unemployed for a long time. He could not find a job so he opened a medical clinic and puts a sign up outside: “Get your treatment for $500, if not treated get back $1,000.” One Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic. Doctor: “I have lost taste in my mouth.”
Engineer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”
Doctor: “This is Gasoline!” Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.”
The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money. Doctor: “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.” 
Engineer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”
Doctor: “But that is Gasoline!” Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.”
The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several more days. Doctor: “My eyesight has become weak.”
Engineer: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000.”
Doctor: “But this is $500…”
Engineer: “Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.”


----------



## Jacck

“Kim Jong-un announced in a news conference that North Korea would be sending a man to the sun within ten years!
A reporter asked – “But the sun is very hot. How can your man land on the sun?” There was a stunned silence. Nobody knew how to react.
Then Kim Jong-un quietly answered, “We will land at night”.
Back in the White House, Donald Trump and his entourage were watching the news conference on TV. When Trump heard what Kim had said, he sneered – “What an idiot. There is no sun at night!”


----------



## Dorsetmike

Why did Shakespeare write with ink? Because he couldn't decide which pencil to use - 2B or not 2B.


----------



## Luchesi

Once upon the time there was an old farmer who had worked his crops for many years. One day his horse ran away. Upon hearing the news, his neighbors came to visit. "Such bad luck," they said sympathetically.

"Maybe," the farmer replied.

The next morning the horse returned, bringing with it three other wild horses. "How wonderful," the neighbors exclaimed.

"Maybe," replied the old man.

The following day, his son tried to ride one of the untamed horses, was thrown, and broke his leg. The neighbors again came to offer their sympathy on his misfortune.

"Maybe," answered the farmer.

The day after, military officials came to the village to draft young men into the army. Seeing that the son's leg was broken, they passed him by. The neighbors congratulated the farmer on how well things had turned out.

"Maybe," said the farmer.


----------



## Dorsetmike

How do you use an ancient Egyptian doorbell?

Toot-and-come-in


----------



## Clouds Weep Snowflakes

Sheep anyone?


----------



## Luchesi

Nuns were repainting their chapel, but they kept getting paint on their clothes, so they decided to remove them since they were alone. 

They heard someone knocking at the door, and one of the nuns asked, "Who is it?" The man at the door answered, ''The blind man!' so the nuns decided to let him in. The nuns opened the door, and the man said, “Woah, oh sorry!, I've never seen a nun naked before, 

….So ..where do you want these blinds?”


----------



## Dorsetmike

tannoy from aircraft captain ..
Ladies and gentlemen, I regret to have to advise you that we have had to shut down no4 engine, but don't worry, we can continue safely on the remaining 3, but we will be 30 minutes late landing

a short while later...

tannoy from aircraft captain ..
Ladies and gentlemen, I regret to have to advise you that we have now had to shut down no3 engine, but don't worry, we can continue safely on the remaining 2, but we will be 60 minutes late landing

a little while later ...

tannoy from aircraft captain ..
Ladies and gentlemen, I regret to have to advise you that we have now also had to shut down no2 engine, but don't worry, we can continue safely on the remaining 1, but we will be 2 hours late landing


voice from rear of cabin ...

bejejus, if the other engine goes we'll be stuck up here all night


----------



## Dorsetmike

I have a little Satnav,
It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver’s friend,
it tells you where you are.
I have a little Satnav,
I’ve had it all my life
It’s better than the normal ones,
My Satnav is my wife.
It gives me full instructions,
Especially how to drive
“Its sixty miles an hour”, it says,
“You’re doing sixty five”.
It tells me when to stop and start,
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it’s never ever,
Safe to overtake.
It tells me when a light is red,
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively,
Just when to intervene.
It lists the vehicles just in front,
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account,
It specifies my gear.
I’m sure no other driver,
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car,
It still gives its advice.
It fills me up with counselling,
Each journey’s pretty fraught
So why don’t I exchange it,
And get a quieter sort?
Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I’m properly fed
It washes all my shirts and things,
And keeps me warm in bed!
Despite all these advantages,
And my tendency to scoff,
I only wish that now and then,
I could turn the b***** off.


----------



## Dorsetmike

Follow on from the above!


I had a little Satnav,
As I have said in rhyme,
But since those words were written
I’ve been having a bad time.
It sent me down a one way street
Contrary to the flow,
And on more than one occasion
It told me where to go!
I had a little Satnav
But now my shirts are creased
And takeaway and ready meal
Consumption has increased.
At night I’m often freezing cold
My sex-life’s at an end
And frankly ‘turn round when possible’
Now drives me round the bend
For I miss my back seat driver
You knew I would, of course
But when she read my poem
She insisted on divorce!


----------



## Dorsetmike

What's musical and handy in a supermarket?

A Chopin Liszt.


----------



## Barbebleu

My wife apologised to me today for the first time ever.

She said she was sorry she married me!!:lol:


----------



## Dorsetmike

If you hit the snooze button too many times could you be diagnosed as having taken an over doze


----------



## Ingélou

Apparently Charles Dickens' A Tale of Two Cities was originally serialised in two West Midlands newspapers.
It was the Bicester Times, it was the Worcester Times...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A mate of mine ate a dozen Kinder eggs whole.
He's full of surprises


----------



## Guest

What does a Mexican put under his carpet?

Underlay! Underlay!


----------



## Barbebleu

I have a friend who decided he wanted to be an actor. He auditioned for a new production of The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe. I'm not saying his acting was a bit wooden but they offered him the part of The Wardrobe!!


----------



## Dorsetmike

Do you think Russian dolls are too full of themselves?


----------



## Dorsetmike

..........................................


----------



## Dorsetmike

Atheists Inc. A non prophet organisation


----------



## LezLee

Aussie April Fools

Silence of the Cans
----------
With noise restrictions becoming an increasing problem for inner-city venues, Victoria Bitter is pleased to introduce the Big Quiet Beer.
Applying a natural polymer to the seal, the pressurised CO2 is released a third of a second slower. This revolutionary technology means that the customary "Tssst-ker-chuk" [official spelling] is now a thing of the past.

Chester Bentleigh from Waterloo in Sydney has given the innovation the seal of approval, "My property portfolio in inner Sydney has recently been impacted by establishments such as the Abbotts Hotel, which for over 100 years has been serving up all varieties of music and entertainment as well as the opening of aluminium receptacles well beyond 8:30pm on weekends."

Steve, a rope technician from Toowoomba wasn't so sure. "Personally, I look forward to the sound of that first hard earned tin opening each weekend. But I completely get that we can't afford for our nightlife to go the same way as Sydney's. So as long as the brew hasn't changed, I'm all for it."

Victoria Bitter's Marketing Manager reassured there was no impact to Victoria Bitter's famous full-flavoured and refreshing taste, but warned that not all noise from pubs or suburban backyards could be eliminated; "Unfortunately there's not much we can do about the waffle coming from XXXX Gold drinkers."

The new Victoria Bitter "Silent Cans" will be quietly released into bottleshops for today only.

Victoria Bitter. The Big Quiet Beer.


----------



## Dorsetmike

In Alcohols defence, I've done some pretty stupid things whilst sober.

My body is a temple -- in which many pigs have been sacrificed.

I haven't spoken to the wife in over a month, I don't like to interrupt


----------



## SixFootScowl

Dorsetmike said:


> In Alcohols defence, I've done some pretty stupid things whilst sober.
> 
> My body is a temple -- in which many pigs have been sacrificed.
> 
> I haven't spoken to the wife in over a month, I don't like to interrupt


Is your real name Rodney Dangerfield?


----------



## Dorsetmike

Fritz Kobus said:


> Is your real name Rodney Dangerfield?


No, I've found a new source of groans.


----------



## Dorsetmike

Did you hear about the burglar who fell into a cement mixer?

Now he's a hardened criminal.

Comment -

He must have been plastered. Mortar the point, did the police find any concrete evidence
that he was rendered senseless before becoming set in his ways?


----------



## Luchesi

I was pulled over for speeding today. The officer said, "Don't you know the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?" 

I replied, "Yes, but I wasn't going to be out that long.


----------



## Dorsetmike

Police are also investigating an incident between a Jelly lorry and Custard lorry. A spokesman said they were a trifle confused.


----------



## Dorsetmike

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?" "Yes", whispered the small voice. "May I talk with him?" the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No." Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" "Yes", came the answer. "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child.

"Yes" whispered the child, "a policeman." Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" "No, he's busy," whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?" "A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper." Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: "Me!"


----------



## Barbebleu

A chap came up to me in the street and asked "Do you know the Battersea Dog's Home?"

I replied " I didn't even know he'd been away!"


----------



## Barbebleu

I wasn't sure the above joke would travel outwith the U.K. :lol:


----------



## Clouds Weep Snowflakes

Did Mozart like oven-grilled chicken? Well...


----------



## Jacck

Arnold Schoenberg walks into a bar. "I'll have a gin please, but no tonic"


----------



## geralmar




----------



## LezLee

A favourite Chic Murray joke: 

One day Chic walked into a pet shop and asked the assistant for a pet wasp. She told him they didn’t stock wasps,and in any case they weren’t creatures people would want as pets.
‘But’, said Chic, ‘You’ve got two in the window’.


----------



## Dorsetmike

“The rain it raineth on the just
And also on the unjust fella;
But chiefly on the just, because
The unjust hath the just’s umbrella.”​


----------



## geralmar




----------



## Dorsetmike

Researchers have discovered the heaviest element yet known to science.

The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called pillocks.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration.

This hypothetical quantity is referred to as a critical morass. When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (symbol=Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many pillocks but twice as many morons.


----------



## Dorsetmike

I saw an ad for burial plots. I thought to myself, "that's the last thing I need".


----------



## geralmar




----------



## EddieRUKiddingVarese

Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.


----------



## geralmar




----------



## Clouds Weep Snowflakes

The essence of cold-blooded.


----------



## Dorsetmike

I used to search for shellfish on the beach until one day when I pulled a mussel.


----------



## Dorsetmike

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.
One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
"Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.
"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth.
Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not.
Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary ...".
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, even though you're not certain it's true?".
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued." You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter - the filter of Usefulness.
Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really..."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"
The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.......

It also explains why he never found out that his student, Plato, was having an affair with his wife.


----------



## EddieRUKiddingVarese

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she
screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you *******!" "Oh," I
replied, "so now you want me to stay!


----------



## Luchesi

Rocker Eddie Van Halen named his son “Wolfgang Van Halen” in honor of Mozart.

One anagram of “Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart” is “A famous German waltz god.”


----------



## geralmar




----------



## EddieRUKiddingVarese

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.
I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
Apparently, I'm still lost....it's a man thing.


----------



## Ingélou

EddieRUKiddingVarese said:


> As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
> I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.
> I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
> The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.
> As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
> Apparently, I'm still lost....it's a man thing.


Brilliant! :tiphat:


----------



## Dorsetmike

A young man is 'entertaining' an older lady. 

She says "Your organ isn't very big".

He replies "Well I didn't expect to be playing in a concert hall!"


----------



## Dorsetmike

Due to an unfortunate spacing error while booking our holiday, I am now looking forward to a week on the Norfolk B roads.






( for those not familiar wiyh the UK, the Norfolk Broads are a large area of lakes and waterways, a mecca for boatmen)


----------



## Dorsetmike

My car sailed through its MOT test today, the garage was flooded!


----------



## Dorsetmike

Language idiosyncrasies
- Wonder why the word funeral starts with FUN?
-Why isn’t a Fireman called a Water-man?
- How come Lipstick doesn’t do what it says?
- If money doesn’t grow on trees, how come Banks have Branches?
- If a Vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a Humanitarian eat?
- How do you get off a non-stop Flight?
- Why are goods sent by ship called CARGO and those sent by truck SHIPMENT?
- Why do we put cups in the dishwasher and the dishes in the Cupboard?
-Why is it called ‘Rush Hour’ when traffic moves at its slowest then?
- How come Noses run and Feet smell?
- Why do they call it a TV ‘set’ when there is only one?
- What are you vacating when you go on a vacation?


----------



## Dorsetmike

A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head.

Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't think much about it until the bug squirted out into his bucket.

It went in one ear and out the udder


----------



## Dorsetmike

A Marine Sergeant was addressing a squad of 25 and said: "I have a nice easy job for the laziest man here. Put up your hand if you are the laziest." 24 men raised their hands, except one. 

The sergeant asked him "Why didn't you raise your hand?"

The man replied: "Can't be bothered, Sarge."


----------



## EddieRUKiddingVarese

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. 
He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship" 
As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft. 
Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! 
She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"
"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman. 
With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter. 
He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the castaway, 
Ahh "that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!" 
"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde. 
Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years." 
Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him. 
He opened the flask and took a long drink. "Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. " 'Tis truly fantastic!!!" 
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?" 
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!


----------



## Barbebleu

It's always a bit upsetting when your mother tells you that you were never her favourite child. Even more so when you don't have any brothers or sisters!!


----------



## Dorsetmike

Updated nursery rhyme

Georgie Porgie pudding and pie 
kissed the girls and made them cry
when the boys came out to play
he kissed them too 'cos he was gay


----------



## EddieRUKiddingVarese

A man in his 40's bought a new BMW convertible and was out for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 90 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 100, 120.... then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go." The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back." "Have a nice weekend," said the officer


----------



## EddieRUKiddingVarese

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"


----------



## Ingélou

Three animals were having a huge argument, over who was the best.

The first, a hawk, claimed that because of his ability to fly, he could attack anything repeatedly from above, and his prey had not a chance.

The second, a lion, based his claim on his strength, none in the jungle dared to challenge him.

The third, a skunk, insisted that he needed neither flight nor strength, to frighten off any creature.

As the trio debated the issue, an alligator came along and swallowed them all - hawk, lion and stinker.


----------



## Dorsetmike

It's a long 'un but guaranteed to make you groan!

A Rabbit Walks into a Bar...

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman "Can I have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?". The barman is amazed but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie, he then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub (because word gets round) gives the rabbit the pint and the toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed, in walks the rabbit and says "A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman". The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.

The next night there is standing room only in the pub, coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending, and the barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year. In walks the rabbit and says, "A Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman", smiling and accepting the tributes of the masses.

The barman says, "I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties".

The rabbit looks aghast; the crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, "We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie".

The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, "Are you sure I will like it?" The masses bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.

The barman, with a roguish smile says "Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends, I know you'll love it".

"Ok" says the rabbit," I'll have a Pint of Beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie". The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie, he then waves to the crowd and leaves....

.....NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!

One year later in the now impoverished public house, the barman (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his) calls time. When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.

The barman says, "Who are you" To which he is answered, "I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house".

The barman says, "I remember you, you made me famous, you would come in every night and have a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, masses came to see you and this place was famous"

The rabbit says, "Yes I know".

The barman said, "I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties, you had a Cheese and Onion one instead"

The rabbit said "Yes, you promised me that I would love it".

The barman said "You never came back, what happened?"

___

"I DIED", said the Rabbit.

"NO!" said the barman, "what from".

After a short pause, the rabbit said...

"Mixin'-me-toasties".


----------



## Ingélou

A man goes into the doctor. 

He says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"

The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."

"I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has this been going on?" the doctor asked.

"That's nothing Doc. put your ear to my knee."

The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say, "Man, I really need 10 dollars, just lend me 10 bucks!!"

"Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this." The doctor was dumbfounded.

"Wait Doc, that's not it. There's more, just put your ear up to my ankle," the man urged him.

The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle plead, "Please, I just need 5 dollars. Lend me 5 bucks please if you will."

"I have no idea what to tell you," the doctor said. 

"There's nothing about it in my books," he said as he frantically searched all his medical reference books. 

"I can make a well-educated guess though. Based on life and all my previous experience I can tell you that your leg seems to be broke in three places."


----------



## geralmar




----------



## Luchesi

here's an oldie - -

In the 1890s, a pun variant version appeared in the magazine Potter's American Monthly;

Why should not a chicken cross the road? It would be a fowl proceeding.


----------



## Dorsetmike

Or -

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Some Fowl reason


----------



## Strange Magic

Old joke about a man needing to get a grand piano up three flights of stairs. Tells friend about hiring a crew of strong men but having them fail. Meets friend later and tells them he did finally get the piano up the stairs by hitching a cat to it. "But how did you get a cat to haul a piano up three flights of stairs??" asks the friend. "Simple.", says the man. "I used a whip."

I have cats, and love them dearly. But they didn't think the joke was funny.


----------



## geralmar




----------



## Dorsetmike

Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants!”


----------



## Dorsetmike

A transvestite is a man who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.


----------



## Roger Knox

What did the sushi say to the bee?

Wasa-bi?


----------



## Dorsetmike

When a bomb goes off in the middle of a herd of cows, there will be udder destruction.


----------



## geralmar

Ancient:

I don't really enjoy fishing; I just go for the halibut.


----------



## TxllxT

A billionaire is lying on his deathbed. When his family comes closer, the billionaire starts to swear: "Bloodsuckers! Crooks! Scum!" and so forth and so forth. The doctor tries to calm the family: "Don't worry; the end is not there yet.... He's still recognizing you."


----------



## Dorsetmike

A practical nurse is one who marries a wealthy, terminally ill patient.


----------



## geralmar

An elderly tycoon lay on his deathbed, attended by his wife. 

He: "Dear, you know I've always loved you and our four wonderful children; but I have a question and I beseech you to answer honestly".
She: "Yes, my beloved. I promise" .
He: "Well, I've always loved our children equally and without reservation; but I've always wondered about our youngest son, Richard. His sisters, Mary and Darlene, and brother John are frankly physically gorgeous and have always been in top health and at the top of their class intellectually. Richard, on the other hand, is scrawny, always sickly, and frankly a bit of a dim bulb. Dear, I ask you-- is Richard really my son?
She: "As God is my witness, he is your son".
He: Sighs, and dies peacefully, a happy smile on his lips.
She: (Muttering darkly). "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three children instead".


----------



## Dorsetmike

You know you are a geek when you look at a movie trailer and think, “I have that font.”


----------



## SixFootScowl

A friend of mine was furious, calling me a dirty rat, when I explained to her that I was going to open a used car lot for the blind and sell them rusty cars because they would not know they are rusty. I asked her, "How many blind drivers to you know?"


----------



## Tikoo Tuba

She who cooks for me a lovely burger - my grillfriend .


----------



## Dorsetmike

The Opera is the only place where a guy gets stabbed and instead of bleeding, he sings.


----------



## SixFootScowl

Dorsetmike said:


> The Opera is the only place where a guy gets stabbed and instead of bleeding, he sings.


Yeah, you have to wonder how a person can sing so wonderfully while in excruciating pain! Good thing it doesn't happen like that in real life, or we might see more stabbings for the entertainment value! Would put a whole new spin on the Johnny Cash song, "Folsom Prison Blues," where he sings, "I shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die." :lol:


----------



## TxllxT

'Today we experienced a power cut that lasted for two hours.' 

'I therefore had to spent the time talking for two hours with my wife.' 

'And I found out that she is really a quite nice and pleasant woman.'


----------



## geralmar




----------



## TxllxT

In the church, one grannie to another:
'My butt fell asleep during the sermon'.
'Yeah, I heard it snoring a couple of times'.


----------



## Dorsetmike

The best way to save face, is to keep the lower part of it shut.


----------



## CnC Bartok

An interesting molecule


----------



## SixFootScowl

CnC Bartok said:


> View attachment 119505
> 
> 
> An interesting molecule


I don't get it, but the same picture is here in the explanation for Arsole. Or is this perhaps Cockney slang for a word that the site software won't allow printed?


----------



## KenOC

Seems to be high as a kite...?


----------



## Dorsetmike

A Shotgun wedding is a case of wife or death.


----------



## Larkenfield

Two old favorites:

*Fire extinguisher*
A percussionist, tired from being ridiculed by other musicians, decides to change instruments. He walks into a music shop and says, "I'll take that red trumpet over there, and that accordion." After a second, the shop assistant says, "OK, you can have the fire extinguisher but the radiator stays.

*Perfect pitch*
What's the definition of perfect pitch? 
When you throw a banjo in the bin and 
it lands on an accordion.


----------



## geralmar




----------



## Dorsetmike

It’s ok to let a fool kiss you, but don’t let a kiss fool you.

Birds of a feather flock together ... then crap on your car.


----------



## geralmar




----------



## Dorsetmike

There was a painter named Smokey Macgregor, who was very interested in

making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church

decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of their large building.

Smokey put in a bid, & because his price was so low, he got the job. So he set about

erecting the scaffolding & setting up the planks & buying the paint & yes,

I am sorry to say, thinning it down with water...

Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed,

when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, & the rain

poured down, washing the thinned paint from all over the church, & knocking Smokey

clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by

tell-tale puddles of the thinned & useless paint.

Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty,
so he got down on his knees & cried:

"Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke..

* Repaint! Repaint!

and thin no more.
*


----------



## Larkenfield

...............


----------



## EddieRUKiddingVarese

Recently I received a parrot as a gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
I tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else I could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, I was fed up and I yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back.
I shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
So, in desperation, I threw up my hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet.
Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that I'd hurt the parrot,
I quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto my outstretched arms and said
"I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.
I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour."
I was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As I was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird continued,
"May I ask what the turkey did?"


----------



## CnC Bartok

.....reminds me of the time i bought my ageing grandmother a parrot. She was living in sheltered accommodation, and could do with some company.

A few days after she had received the parrot, I phoned to see how things were:

"And how was the parrot?" I asked
"Wonderful, thank you so much. Tender, moist, the meat just fell away...."


----------



## Dorsetmike

It rarely occurs to teenagers that the day will come when they’ll know as little as their parents.
-------------------------
The worst thing a wife can get on her twenty fifth wedding anniversary is morning sickness.


----------



## Dorsetmike

My horse’s name is Mayo; Mayo neighs

Why do bees hum? Because they don’t know the words.

My doctor said that my weight was perfect ... I’m just 4 feet too short.


----------



## geralmar




----------



## TxllxT

To an orthodox Jew comes his son and asks if he may get married.
He asks what is her surname.
'Ivanova'.
'No, you cannot'.
After some time his son comes again and tells his father he has found a new bride.
He asks what is her surname.
'Smith'
'No, you cannot'.
Again after a long time he comes to his father, saying he has found another bride.
He asks what is her surname.
'Goldberg'.
'Excellent, my son! And what is her first name?'
'Whoopy'.


----------



## TxllxT

One Jewish woman tells another Jewish woman:
'My husband has bought a water bed'.
'Oh, how wonderful! You will make love on the waves!'
'Judging from his activity it will be more like a cruise on the Dead Sea'.


----------



## TxllxT

'Abraham! Why are you crying?'
'I was at the dentist's for pulling my teeth'.
'How much did he pull from you?'
'200 bucks'.


----------



## Dorsetmike

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tyred.

A man’s last will and testament is a dead give away.


----------



## SixFootScowl

How does NASA organize a party?
They planet.


My teachers told me I’d never amount to much because I procrastinate so much.
I told them, “Just you wait!”


I couldn’t figure out why the baseball kept getting bigger.
Then it hit me.


Which rock group has four guys who can’t sing or play instruments?
Mount Rushmore.



How do mathematicians scold their children?
“If I’ve told you n times, I’ve told you n+1 times …”


----------



## geralmar




----------



## KenOC

All witness the death of democracy in the US: "Biden cheered by crowd after promising cancer cure if elected president"


----------



## Dorsetmike

(copied from another forum)

Anybody want to a buy a vacuum cleaner? Mine's just gathering dust.

(to which someone replied ------

Mine sucks!


----------



## Pat Fairlea

Dorsetmike said:


> (copied from another forum)
> 
> Anybody want to a buy a vacuum cleaner? Mine's just gathering dust.
> 
> (to which someone replied ------
> 
> Mine sucks!


Hoover heck thought of that one?
(I'm Dyson with death here...)


----------



## Dorsetmike

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"

"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”

"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"

"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place which was just a few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess."


----------



## geralmar




----------



## Roger Knox

New Receptionist: Incidentally, there's no Doctor Urnew here, is there?

Senior Receptionist: No. However, our _patient_ is a famous European musician!

New Receptionist: Hmmm ... I sent that woman away 'cause she kept yelling "I vahn' Doc Nanny Ernew!"

Senior Receptionist: That's his Hungarian wife! Oh! ... _Ernö von Dohnányi_ sure won't _vahn'_ us anymore!


----------



## geralmar




----------



## Dorsetmike

When I was feeling down, a friend said, "It could be worse, you could be stuck in a hole full of water".
.
.
.
.
.
I knew he meant well.


----------



## TxllxT

The final and effective solution for your baldness, absolutely for free!
Needed: Just your bald head and a pot of honey.
Put, smear, spread the honey out on your bald head.
Go to a dunghill. 
Wait for the flies to settle down on your bald head until your whole head is looking black from the flies.
Unexpectedly clap in your hands above your head.
Frightened to death, these poor creatures will fly away, leaving all their legs behind...


----------



## SixFootScowl

TxllxT said:


> The final and effective solution for your baldness, absolutely for free!
> Needed: Just your bald head and a pot of honey.
> Put, smear, spread the honey out on your bald head.
> Go to a dunghill.
> Wait for the flies to settle down on your bald head until your whole head is looking black from the flies.
> Unexpectedly clap in your hands above your head.
> Frightened to death, these poor creatures will fly away, leaving all their legs behind...


Ugh! I didn't need to know that!


----------



## geralmar




----------



## Dorsetmike

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the bankteller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a £30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."


----------



## Art Rock

..........................................


----------



## TxllxT

*Stalin jokes*

Here a complete article dedicated to Comrade Stalin:

https://www.rbth.com/history/330551-stalin-jokes-ussr

Horribly funny...

And as an addendum: Brezhnev jokes [spoiler: not so funny]
https://www.rbth.com/politics_and_society/society/2016/12/19/dear-leonid-ilyich-jokes-about-soviet-leader-leonid-brezhnev_662279


----------



## geralmar




----------



## RockyIII

Q: Why is my finger like a pie?

A: It's got meringue on it.


----------



## Dorsetmike

Had a big roll of bubble wrap delivered to work this morning. I asked the boss where he'd like it putting. "Pop it in the corner" he said.


I was there for hours!


----------



## geralmar




----------



## Dorsetmike

For our honeymoon I got a map of the world, gave my wife a dart, and said we'd go wherever the darts lands!

I'm happy to announce in August we're going to spend a lovely 2 weeks by the skirting board!


----------



## Dorsetmike

Man: "Do you know how much it is to rent a church singing group?

Priest: "My son, do you mean a choir?"

Man: "Fine Father, do you know how much it is to acquire a church singing group?"


----------



## geralmar

Dorsetmike said:


> Man: "Do you know how much it is to rent a church singing group?
> 
> Priest: "My son, do you mean a choir?"
> 
> Man: "Fine Father, do you know how much it is to acquire a church singing group?"


Reminds me of a joke on an ancient Bob Hope tv special:

She (sniffing the air): "Do I smell punk?"
Hope: "No, you smell fine to me."


----------



## Dorsetmike

Why did the chicken cross the playground?

To get to the other slide...


----------



## KenOC

Why did the punk rocker cross the road?

Because he had a chicken stapled to his face.

Other opinions on chickens and roads:

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads. 

KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability. 

HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas. 

LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken `crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down. 

MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was. 

DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads. 

BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature. 

ANDERSEN CONSULTING: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting ,in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful. 

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.


----------



## Dorsetmike

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you".

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife".


----------



## Dorsetmike

My wife laughed at me when I said I was going to make a car out of spaghetti !

You should have seen her face when I drove pasta.


----------



## Dorsetmike

The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop and asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.
“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?” "That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.
He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant, “I'm terribly sorry, but this is not accurate at all. I don't recognize any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?”
The assistant checks the turntable, and replies that it is indeed European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2. He apologises and lifts the needle onto the next track.
Again the expert listens for a few moments and then says to the assistant, "No, this just can't be right! I've been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don't recognize any of these sounds." The assistant apologises again and lifts the needle to the next track.
The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage.
"This is outrageous false advertising! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and no European wasp has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!"
The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over. "What seems to be the problem, sir?"
"This is an outrage! Nobody knows more about wasps than I do. There is no way that the sounds on that record were made by European ones!"
The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly. "I'm terribly sorry, sir ............

It appears we've been playing you the bee side."


----------



## TxllxT

Anatomical Lesson - Marius van Dokkem


----------



## ldiat

What do you call a cow grazing on your front lawn?
.........
A lawn Mooer!


----------



## ldiat

get it!!??:lol:


----------



## Dorsetmike

I'd tell you a joke about a bed, ... ... ... but it's not been made yet.


----------



## Dorsetmike

Why did the Grim Reaper cross the road ?

To get to the other scythe..............

---------------------------------------
Why did the Gestapo officer cross the road ?

Silence ! Ve ask ze questions !


----------



## Dorsetmike

Eddie and his wife June are shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picks up a case of Heineken and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks June. 'They're on sale, only £25 for 24 cans,' Eddie replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further along June picks up a £50 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks Eddie.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Heineken and it's half the price.'



Eddie never knew what hit him.


----------



## EddieRUKiddingVarese

This joke is from the WigWam hi fi site and Eddie accepts no responsibility for it and my wife is not June 









Subject: Teaching Maths in Britain

1. Teaching Maths In 1970
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100..
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?

2. Teaching Maths In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is 80% of the price.
What is his profit?

3. Teaching Maths In 1990
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80.
How much was his profit?

4. Teaching Maths In 2000
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Maths In 2005
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habit of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.
Your assignment: Discuss how the birds and squirrels might feel as the logger cut down their homes just for a measly profit of £20.

6. Teaching Maths In 2009
A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the application for the felling licence. He is also fined a £100 as his chainsaw is in breach of Health and Safety legislation as it deemed too dangerous and could cut something.. He has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without incident however he does not have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered to be a recidivist and habitual criminal. His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout all government agencies. He protests and is taken to court and fined another £100 because he is such an easy target.
When he is released he returns to find Gypsies have cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land. He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned and fined a further £100. While he is in jail again the Gypsies cut down the rest of his wood and sell it on the black market for £100 cash. They also have a departure BBQ of squirrel and pheasant and leave behind several tonnes of rubbish and asbestos sheeting.
The forester on release is warned that failure to clear the fly tipped rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offence. He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced
£12,000 plus VAT for safe disposal costs by a regulated government contractor.
Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be arrested and fined before he realises that he is never going to make £20 profit by hard work, give up, sign onto the dole and live off the state for the rest of his life?

7. Teaching Maths In 2010
A logger doesn't sell a lorry load of timber because he can't get a loan to buy a new lorry because his bank has spent all his and their money on a derivative of securitised debt related to sub-prime mortgages in Alabama and lost the lot, with only some government money left to pay a few million-pound bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who made the biggest losses.
The logger struggles to pay the £1,200 road tax on his old lorry.
However, as it was built in the 1970s it no longer meets the emissions regulations and he is forced to scrap it.
Some Bulgarian loggers buy the lorry from the scrap merchant and put it back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and send their cash back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves and their relatives.
If questioned they speak no English and it is easier to deport them at the governments expense. Following their holiday back home they return to the UK with different names and fresh girls and start again. The logger protests, is accused of being a bigoted racist and as his name is on the side of his old lorry he is forced to pay £1,500 registration fees as a gang master.
The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as bonuses are not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out and claim the difference on expenses and allowances.

You do the maths.

8. Teaching Maths 2019

أ المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة من الخشب من اجل 100 دولار. صاح تكلفة

الانتاج 80 من

الثمن. ما هو الربح له؟= 20


----------



## EddieRUKiddingVarese

This joke is from the WigWam hi fi site and Eddie accepts no responsibility for it and Eddies Wife is not June 









Subject: Teaching Maths in Britain

1. Teaching Maths In 1970
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100..
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?

2. Teaching Maths In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is 80% of the price.
What is his profit?

3. Teaching Maths In 1990
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80.
How much was his profit?

4. Teaching Maths In 2000
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Maths In 2005
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habit of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.
Your assignment: Discuss how the birds and squirrels might feel as the logger cut down their homes just for a measly profit of £20.

6. Teaching Maths In 2009
A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the application for the felling licence. He is also fined a £100 as his chainsaw is in breach of Health and Safety legislation as it deemed too dangerous and could cut something.. He has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without incident however he does not have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered to be a recidivist and habitual criminal. His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout all government agencies. He protests and is taken to court and fined another £100 because he is such an easy target.
When he is released he returns to find Gypsies have cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land. He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned and fined a further £100. While he is in jail again the Gypsies cut down the rest of his wood and sell it on the black market for £100 cash. They also have a departure BBQ of squirrel and pheasant and leave behind several tonnes of rubbish and asbestos sheeting.
The forester on release is warned that failure to clear the fly tipped rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offence. He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced
£12,000 plus VAT for safe disposal costs by a regulated government contractor.
Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be arrested and fined before he realises that he is never going to make £20 profit by hard work, give up, sign onto the dole and live off the state for the rest of his life?

7. Teaching Maths In 2010
A logger doesn't sell a lorry load of timber because he can't get a loan to buy a new lorry because his bank has spent all his and their money on a derivative of securitised debt related to sub-prime mortgages in Alabama and lost the lot, with only some government money left to pay a few million-pound bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who made the biggest losses.
The logger struggles to pay the £1,200 road tax on his old lorry.
However, as it was built in the 1970s it no longer meets the emissions regulations and he is forced to scrap it.
Some Bulgarian loggers buy the lorry from the scrap merchant and put it back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and send their cash back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves and their relatives.
If questioned they speak no English and it is easier to deport them at the governments expense. Following their holiday back home they return to the UK with different names and fresh girls and start again. The logger protests, is accused of being a bigoted racist and as his name is on the side of his old lorry he is forced to pay £1,500 registration fees as a gang master.
The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as bonuses are not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out and claim the difference on expenses and allowances.

You do the maths.

8. Teaching Maths 2019

أ المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة من الخشب من اجل 100 دولار. صاح تكلفة

الانتاج 80 من

الثمن. ما هو الربح له؟= 20


----------



## TxllxT

Saint Petersburg, Russia:
A man asks a few boys in the street: 
- 'Is it already a long time raining?' 
- 'Don't know, sir. We're only five years old'.


----------



## geralmar




----------



## EddieRUKiddingVarese




----------



## Dorsetmike

Ever since I was a child I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him:
“I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.”
“Just put yourself in my hands for a year, said the shrink.
"Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."
“How much do you charge? “Eighty pounds per visit,” replied the psychiatrist.“I'll sleep on it,” I said.
Six months later the shrink met me on the street.
“Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?”he asked.
“Well, eighty pounds a visit, three times a week for a year, is £12,480: a bartender cured me for £10, I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new car"
“Is that so?” and with a bit of an attitude he said, "and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now"


----------



## Dorsetmike

A housewife takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work, but not aware that her 9 year old son was hiding in the wardrobe. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the same wardrobe. The boy now has company.

Boy: "Dark in here isn’t it?" Man: "Yes it is." Boy: "I have a cricket ball." Man: "That's nice." Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "My dad's outside." Man: "OK, how much?" Boy: "£250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the woman's lover are in the wardrobe together.

Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes, it is." Boy: "I have a cricket bat." Man: "That's nice." Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "I'll tell." Man: "How much?" Boy: "£750." Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your bat and ball. Let's go outside and have a game of cricket!" The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says, "£1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says ..........

"Don't start THAT again."


----------



## Dorsetmike

2 vicars used to pass each other on their cycles on the way to their parishes every Sunday.
One Sunday, one of the vicars was walking.
"What's happened to your bike?" asked the other.
"I'm not entirely sure, but I fear it may have been stolen" came the reply.
The vicar on the cycle said "Something similar happened to me and I used the 10 Commandments in my sermon with special emphasis on 'thou shalt not steal' and 2 days later the item reappeared.
The next Sunday they passed each other on cycles and one said to the other "I see you have your bike back then".
The other said "I gave a thunderous 10 Commandment sermon as you suggested and when I got to 'thou shalt not commit adultery' I remembered where I'd left it"


----------



## geralmar




----------



## Dorsetmike

What some mothers said to their kids .... .... ...

Michelangelo's Mother: Can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?

Mona Lisa's Mother: After all that money your father and I spent on braces, that's the biggest smile you can give us?

Mary's Mother: I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you.

Columbus's Mother: I don't care what you've discovered, you still could have written.

Napoleon's Mother: All right, if you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me.

Thomas Edison's Mother: Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed.

Abraham Lincoln's Mother: Again with the stovepipe hat? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?

Albert Einstein's Mother: But it's your school picture. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something...?


----------



## EddieRUKiddingVarese

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, extracted ten pounds and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go golfing instead of buying food?" I asked.
"No, I don't waste time golfing," the homeless man said.."I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?
I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf."﻿


----------



## EddieRUKiddingVarese




----------



## Dorsetmike

An elderly man had owned a large farm for many years.
He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, loungers and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond to look it over as he hadn't been there in a while.
Before he went he grabbed a 5 gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he got closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond.
He made all the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave".
The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or watch you get out of the pond with no swimwear on".
Holding up the bucket, he said ...........

"I'm here to feed the alligator".


----------



## Dorsetmike

Colonel Saunders crossed a hen with a banjo, he got a Kentucky fried chicken that plucks itself........


----------



## Dorsetmike

A man who was unemployed for several months gets a job with Public Works painting lines down the centre of rural roads.
The supervisor issues him with a bucket of paint and a brush then tells him he is on probation and that he must stay at or above the set average of 2 miles per day to remain employed.
The man agrees to the conditions and starts the next day.
The supervisor checks and finds the man completed 4 miles. "Great," he thought, "this man will work out."
The next day he finds the man only did 2 miles but the supervisor thought, "well he is still at the average and I don't want him to get discouraged."
The third day however the man only did one mile and the Boss thought, "I need to talk to him."
The boss pulls the new employee in and says, "You were doing great. The first day you did four miles and the second day two miles, but yesterday you only did one mile. Why? Is there a problem? An injury, equipment failure, anything keeping you from meeting the two mile minimum?"

The man replied, "Yes sir, I keep getting farther and farther from the bucket."


----------



## Dorsetmike

Scandal struck as a Cairo river cruise boat sank yesterday in suspicious circumstances. Amid accusations of insurance fraud the operator remains in denial.


----------



## Dorsetmike

At the airport I watched some transcendentalists board a charter flight. Well, I assumed they were transcendentalists, seeing as they were on a hire plane.


----------



## Art Rock

EDIT: never mind, the video does not start at the right point.


----------



## Dorsetmike

It is a little-known fact that King Arthur had more knights than is usually believed.

They included:

Who was the devastatingly handsome, but disappointingly shallow knight? - Sir Face
Who was the knight who got around a bit - popular at parties? - Sir Culation
Who was the knight who could always be relied on to do the unexpected? - Sir Prise
Who was the most watchful knight? - Sir Vey
Who was the rather long-winded and droning knight, but a good, moral sort? - Sir Monise
Who was the knight who approached his duties in a roundabout way? - Sir Cuitous
Who was the knight who stands by wild predictions? - Sir Pose
Who was the knight with a strange accent? - Sir Cumflex
Who was the evasive knight? - Sir Cumvent
Who was the most calm and cheerful knight? - Sir Reen
Who was the most paranoid knight? - Sir Spicious
Who was a vague and insubstantial knight? - Sir Real
Who was the knight whose fault it never was? - Sir Cumstances
Who was the knight who moonlights as a geologist? - Sir Vey
Who was the most agreeable knight? - Sir Tenly
Who was the knight who used to be a slave? - Sir Vent
Who was the Knight who ran the graduation? - Sir Amony
Who was the Knight who is also an OB/GYN? - Sir Vix
Who was the Knight on LSD? - Sir Real
Who was the Knight who made pottery? - Sir Amik Vaze
Who was the Knight who also worked in the OR? - Sir Jen
Who was the Knight who is totally radical? - Sir Fer
Who was the Knight who is a great trader? - Sir Plus
Who was the Knight who never lost? - Sir Vivyn
Who was the Knight who enjoys practical jokes? - Sir Prize!
Who was the really sketchy Knight? - Sir Spishus
Who was the knight who is always sure of himself? - Sir Tain
Who was the knight who loves snakes? - Sir Pent
Who was the Knight who cut people open and sewed them shut? - Sir Jon
Who was the Knight was always afraid to fight? - Sir Render
Who was the singing Knight? - Sir Enade
Who was the Knight who was the first to sail completely around the world? - Sir Cumnavigate
Who was the Knight who provided condiments for the morning breakfast of pancakes? - Sir Up
Who was the only Knight who was also a Rabbi? - Sir Cumcise
Who was the Knight who catered the other meals? - Sir Loin of Beef
Who was the cranky Knight? - Sir Lee
Who was the calm knight? - Sir Renity
Who was the Knight that preached all the time? - Sir Mon
Who was the first Knight to ever stand up on a long wooden board and ride the waves? - Sir Fing


----------



## Dorsetmike

A- My wife crashed my Porsche.

B- Oh, no ... Is she hurt?

A- Not yet, she's locked herself in the bathroom.


----------



## EddieRUKiddingVarese

A guy brings his best golf buddy home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30 PM, after enjoying a day of golf.
His wife screams her head off while his friend sits at the kitchen table, open-mouthed, listening to the tirade.
"My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a f###### mess and the dishes are still in the sink. I'm completely exhausted! I didn't get enough sleep last night. Can't you see I'm still in my f##### pajamas? I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the f### did you bring him home without letting me know ahead of time, you stupid a$$hole?"
The husband replied: "Because he's thinking of getting married."


----------



## geralmar




----------



## TxllxT

When a man falls silent, he's thinking.
When a woman falls silent, she's dismayed.


----------



## EddieRUKiddingVarese

Three blondes girls were walking in the woods and came upon tracks.
The first one said, "Look, it's deer tracks."
The second one said, "No, it's wolf tracks".
Before the third one could answer, they got hit by a train.


----------



## EddieRUKiddingVarese

69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.


----------



## geralmar




----------



## Dorsetmike

ABOUT GROWING OLDER...

First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age
and start bragging about it.

Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me; I want people to know ‘why’ I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way, and some of the roads weren’t paved.

Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Sixth ~ I don’t know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it’s such a nice change from being young.

Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable and relaxed.

Tenth ~ Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with
sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it’s called golf.

And, finally ~ If you don’t learn to laugh at trouble, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you’re old.


----------



## Dorsetmike

Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash in Alaska with bush pilot Wiley Post, was one of the Greatest political country/cowboy sages the U.S. has ever known. Some of his sayings:

1. Never slap a man who’s chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men:

The ones that learn by reading.
The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.

9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
10. If you’re riding’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there.
11. Lettin’ the cat outta’ the bag is a whole lot easier’n puttin’ it back.
12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring.
He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
The moral: When you’re full of bull, keep your mouth shut.


----------



## KenOC

I think it was Will Rogers who said, "Thank God we don't get all the government we pay for."


----------



## KenOC

Unhappy electron walks into a bar. Bartender takes one look at him and says ... Why so negative?


----------



## KenOC

A dozen, a gross and a score,
plus three times the square root of four,
divided by seven
plus five times eleven
is nine squared, and not a bit more.﻿


----------



## Luchesi

A blonde notices that her coworker has a thermos, so she asks him what it's for. He responds, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."

The blonde immediately buys one for herself. The next day, she goes to work and proudly displays it.

Her coworker asks, "What do you have in it?"

She replies, "Soup and ice cream."


----------



## EddieRUKiddingVarese




----------



## geralmar




----------



## Dorsetmike

How would you determine he body mass of a whale before giving an anaesthetic?

Take it to a whale-weigh station.


----------



## Room2201974

JS Bach fathered 18 children. The theory by most historians to account for this is that he obviously pulled out all the stops on his organ. Now you can imagine with all the children running around the house what a distraction that was for the maesteo. He's got cantatas and concertos to write. How's a fellow going to get any work done in that environment? Well, the solution turned out to be simple: he rented an apartment across town so he would have peace and quiet for composing. This went on well for a couple of days, but Johann noticed that he would get hungry around noon. So he went to Anna Magdalena and said, "Anna, just one more thing girl....could you pack some munster, liverwurst and pumpernickel in a bag for me and I'll have that for my snack at noon?" And so she did. And that ladies and gentlemen is how Bach's lunches got started.


----------



## LezLee

SUBJECT: TECHNICAL SUPPORT

Dear Technical Support,

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.
To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better.

I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.

I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2005.

Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is. Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off.

Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2005, but I've been told there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2005, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself.

Any advice would be helpful.
Many thanks.


----------



## EddieRUKiddingVarese

LezLee said:


> SUBJECT: TECHNICAL SUPPORT
> 
> Dear Technical Support,
> 
> 18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.
> To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better.
> 
> I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.
> 
> I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2005.
> 
> Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is. Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off.
> 
> Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2005, but I've been told there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2005, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself.
> 
> Any advice would be helpful.
> Many thanks.


I blame Bill Gates -sometimes that works


----------



## Flutter

Strangeguy: "Hey Flutter, what do you think about this song? be honest please, we welcome opinions"
Flutter: "It's quite mediocre to be honest, I don't see myself ever listening to it again"
Strangeguy: "*FLUTTER YOU HAVE BEEN BANNED, ACCESS DENIED*"

Flutter: "Aw, damn, I shouldn't have had an opinion, I should've known it was a trap!  "


----------



## LezLee

Ego and superego walk into a bar - bartender says "I'm gonna have to see some ID".


----------



## LezLee

A man goes to a funeral and asks the widow: "Do you mind if I say a word?" The widow says "Please do." The man clears his throat and says "Plethora." The widow replies "Thanks. That means a lot."


----------



## KenOC

A group of physicists had gathered in a meeting room to discuss proposals for new nuclear weapons. One of them had put forward a design proposal, and another, contemptuous, stood up and shouted, “Your idea is no good! It’ll give you nothing but a big fat zero!” He grabbed a tablet and scrawled a big circle on it, then raised it above his head and, sneering, showed it around the room.

The first physicist, outraged, grabbed the tablet. He tore off the top page, rolled it up unto a narrow tube, and shoved it into the pencil sharpener. He began cranking the handle.

The other physicists, incensed at this entire affair, gathered around and hurled imprecations at both of the the quarreling scientists. There was a sudden flash of light, a mighty explosion, and a mushroom cloud that was visible for miles.

The physicists should have known this was likely to happen whenever you get a critical mass at ground zero.


----------



## KenOC

History records that Captain James Cook was killed in 1779 during a dispute with the natives in Hawaii. Nevertheless, he was held in high esteem there.

So on the second day his ship’s officers were invited ashore for a feast in honor of the deceased captain. Among them was the first mate, who had brought his young son on the voyage as a cabin boy.

They were surprised to learn that the main dish of the feast was to be Captain Cook himself. The first mate’s son blanched. “Father, how can I possibly bring myself to eat that?”

The first mate merely shrugged. “Well, it’s like they say. One man’s meat is another man’s poi, son.”


----------



## Dorsetmike

Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged?

I hear they met on the web.


----------



## Dorsetmike

Initial groaner and subsequent responses on another forum

Insect puns bug me
------
I thought they mite. 
------------
Do buzz off... 
----------
Don't bee like that! 
----------
Ooh that stung. 
---------
Hi've 'ad enough of this! 
---------
Aw honey -


----------



## Dorsetmike

Will all those believing in telekinesis please raise my hand?


----------



## EddieRUKiddingVarese

My mate with a stutter was telling me all about his Nan.

By the end of it we were all singing Hey Jude...


----------



## Jacck

Broccoli, "I look like a small tree."

Mushroom, "I look like an umbrella."

Walnut, "I look like a brain."

Banana, "Can we please change the topic?"


----------



## Potiphera

Two Eskimos were in a canoe, when one said " I'm freezing cold, what can we do"?
His friend said "I know we'll build a fire"
So he builds a fire in the middle of the canoe, and it sinks, and they both drowned.
The moral of this story is, You can't have your kayak and heat it too.


----------



## Guest

Potiphera said:


> Two Eskimos were in a canoe, when one said " I'm freezing cold, what can we do"?
> His friend said "I know we'll build a fire"
> So he builds a fire in the middle of the canoe, and it sinks, and they both drowned.
> The moral of this story is, You can't have your kayak and heat it too.


How does the joke require that they are Eskimos?


----------



## senza sordino

Baron Scarpia said:


> How does the joke require that they are Eskimos?


Maybe it doesn't. But the kayak was invented by the Inuit. It's an Inuit word.


----------



## Kjetil Heggelund

Yo mama so fat, when she walked past the TV, I missed 3 episodes.


----------



## SixFootScowl

Kjetil Heggelund said:


> Yo mama so fat, when she walked past the TV, I missed 3 episodes.


Reminds me of the Rodney Dangerfield one-liner:

I was so ugly as a baby that my mother fed me with a slingshot! :lol:


----------



## Merl

Football joke....

Sergio Aguero had a bet with the rest of the City team, that he could beat Manchester united, on his own. 
So whilst Aguero took the field to face united, the rest of the players went to play golf. Just as they were teeing off, De Bruyne checked sky sports on his phone and saw a score of:
Man united 0 Man City 1 (Aguero, 1 min)
Two hours later, they were on the 18th hole and within range of the club house wi-fi, so Silva checked sky sports and saw:
Man united 1 (Pogba, pen, 90+6) Man City 1 (Aguero 1 min)
Back at the Etihad, the players met up with Sergio, who looked really unhappy. 
"I'm gutted" , said Sergio, shaking his head. 
"Why are you so sad, Sergio?" asked Kevin de Bruyne. "You managed a draw against a full strength united team all on your own. That's Amazing! â€œ
â€œNot really, â€œsaid Sergio
"I was sent off after five minutes,".... í ½í¸….


----------



## Merl

Oops! Double post


----------



## Barbebleu

I got one of those unsolicited phone calls where the guy asked me if I'd ever been in a car crash that wasn't my fault? 

I replied ' Yes, Brexit!'


----------



## Barbebleu

A guy with six kids was getting fed up with the family always squabbling about who would get the drumsticks when they were having a chicken dinner. So he got together with a geneticist and after some failures they eventually succeeded in crossing the chicken with an octopus. 

The only problem was they had no idea how it tasted because no one could catch the darn thing.


----------



## Dorsetmike

A husband said to his wife, “Why do you watch cooking shows if you can’t cook”?

She replied, “And why do you bother watching porn?”

----------------------------------------------------

A child’s prayer:

Lord, please bring some clothes for all of those poor women on Dad’s computer.


----------



## Dorsetmike

Joe and Mick worked together then both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment Office.

When asked his occupation, Joe answered, “Panty Stitcher. I sew the elastic onto ladies cotton panties and Thongs.”

The clerk looked up panty stitcher on his computer ... And finding it classified as unskilled labor, he gave him $80 a week unemployment pay.

Mick was next and when asked his occupation replied, “Diesel fitter.”

Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick $160 a week.

When Joe found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.

The clerk explained, “Panty Stitchers are unskilled and Diesel Fitters are skilled labor.”

“What skill?” yelled Joe. “I sew the elastic on the panties and the thongs. Mick puts them over his head and says: “Yep, diesel fitter!”


----------



## Dorsetmike

Just played frisbee in the park with my dog. Waste of time. Think I need a flatter dog.


----------



## Luchesi

Barbebleu said:


> I got one of those unsolicited phone calls where the guy asked me if I'd ever been in a car crash that wasn't my fault?
> 
> I replied ' Yes, Brexit!'


Who in here among CM fans doesn't want Brexit?

Who in here wants Brexit?


----------



## Dorsetmike

A police officer is watching a bar that is known for causing a lot of driving after having a little too much to drink.
At closing time he sees a guy fall off his bar stool, stumble towards the door, trip a few more times outside and try his keys in five different cars before he finds his own. Once inside it takes him forever to get the keys in again.
Most of the other guests of the bar are now leaving, but the cop knows that the breath test with this guy will be a certain positive, and get him some kudos back at the station, so he waits for his prey.
Finally the guy starts his engine and drives away. Immediately the policeman pulls him over and starts reading him his rights while he gets the man to do a breathalyser test.
The result of this however is a highly disappointing zero. The policeman thinks the machine may be broken and gets him to take another one; same result.
Now he gets annoyed and shouts: “What on earth are you, some freak of nature?”
The driver replies ..........

“Nope, tonight I’m the designated decoy.”


----------



## Luchesi

Brexit advice


----------



## Dorsetmike

Many a true word spoken in jest:-

The king wanted to go fishing, and he asked the royal weather forecaster the forecast for the next few hours.

The palace meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain.

So the king and the queen went fishing. On the way he met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and he asked the man if the fish were biting.

The fisherman said, “Your Majesty, you should return to the palace! In just a short time I expect a huge rain storm.”

The king replied: “I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an educated and experienced professional. Besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him.”

So the king continued on his way.

However, in a short time a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked.

Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the meteorologist.

Then he summoned the fisherman and offered him the prestigious position of royal forecaster.

The fisherman said, “Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey’s ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain.”

So the king hired the donkey

And so began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in influential positions of government.

The practice is unbroken to this day


----------



## Dorsetmike

Some book titles

Droopy drawers by Lucy Lastic

Late again by Misty Buss

Pain and sorrow by Anne Guish

A load of old rubbish by Stefan Nonsense

My Golden Weding by Anny Versary

Don't wake the baby by Elsie Crise

English Folk Customs by Morris Dancer

Seaside treat by Rhoda Donkey

The Garlic Eater bY I. Malone

The Howling Gale bY Rufus Bloneorf

I love wills by Benny Fishery

The Mugging by Andy Tover


----------



## Potiphera

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in
Tokyo and the place is rammed to the
rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his
new audience, he asks if anyone would like
him to play a request. A little old Japanese
man jumps out of his seat in the first row
and shouts at the top of his voice, “Play a
jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!”
Amazed that this guy knows about the
jazz influences in his long career, Stevie
goes into a freeform jazz riff for about ten
minutes. When he finishes the crowd goes
wild, but the little old man jumps up again
and shouts, “No, no, play a jazz chord, play
a jazz chord.”
Stevie, being the professional that he is,
dives straight into another jazz improvisation
and really tears the place apart.
The crowd really appreciates this amazingly
complex technical improvisation, but
the little old man jumps up again, “No, no.
Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord.”
Well and truly miffed that this little Japanese man doesn’t seem to appreciate his technical expertise, 
Stevie calls to him from the stage, “Okay. You get up here and
do it.”
The little old man climbs up on to the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing . . . “A jazz chord to say I ruv you'' . . .



.


----------



## EddieRUKiddingVarese




----------



## starthrower




----------



## Dorsetmike

A woman is woken up at 4.30 in the morning by some strange noise downstairs.
She tries to wake up her husband, but the other side of the bed is empty.
Rather scared she screams: “Who's that in our house?”
To her relief it turns out that the cause of the noise is not a burglar, but her husband.
The noise continues for quite some time and the wife shouts down “What the hell are you doing down there?”
The husband replies: “Oh nothing to worry about. I’m just trying to get a cask of beer up the stairs.”
His wife is pretty fed up by now and yells: “For the love of God, will you leave that down there.”

“I can’t”, the husband shouts back...........

“I drank it.”


----------



## EddieRUKiddingVarese




----------



## EddieRUKiddingVarese

I went to a wedding and they played "The Twist" so I did the Twist,.
Then they played "Macerena" so I did the Macerena.
Then they played "Come On Eileen". 
I was told to leave.


----------



## geralmar




----------



## Guest

Barbebleu said:


> A guy with six kids was getting fed up with the family always squabbling about who would get the drumsticks when they were having a chicken dinner. So he got together with a geneticist and after some failures they eventually succeeded in crossing the chicken with an octopus.
> 
> The only problem was they had no idea how it tasted because no one could catch the darn thing.


I believe that joke was once told by Ronald Reagan. It's on U-Tube. That joke, or one very similar.


----------



## Dorsetmike

grandpa started walking Five miles a day when he was 60.

Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where he's got to.


----------



## EddieRUKiddingVarese




----------



## Dorsetmike

Proctology - a career where you really do have to start at the bottom and work your way up.


----------



## EddieRUKiddingVarese

Why couldn't the string quartet find their composer? He was Haydn.


----------



## EddieRUKiddingVarese

what do you call a drummer with no girlfriend?

homeless.


----------



## KenOC

How do you get a classical music composer off your porch?

Pay for the pizza.


----------



## Dorsetmike

A taxi was driving down the high street when the passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, narrowly missing pedestrians and stopped just short of a shop window.
Everything went quiet in the cab then the driver said: "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the living daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologised and said he didn't realise that a little tap could scare him so much.
The driver replied: "Sorry, it's not really your fault.
Today is my first day as a cab driver ..... ......

I've been driving hearses for the last 25 years."


----------



## Jacck

A summer visitor asked the farmer how long cows should be milked.
“Oh, I reckon about the same as short ones!” the farmer answered.


----------



## Jacck

a professor of sociology, a professor of mathematics and a professor of philosophy travel to a congress by train into switzerland.
looking out of the windows, the professor of sociology happens to see a black sheep.
"how interesting". he exclaims. "it appears there are black sheep in switzerland.
the professor of mathematics replies: "dear colleague, you should phrase your statements more precisely. from our observations, it seems to me we can only conclude that there is at least ONE black sheep in switzerland."
upon that, the professor of philosophy frowns and says: "dear colleagues, it seems you both tend to make inexact statements. from our observation, one could only conclude that there exists at least ONE sheep in switzerland who is black on at least ONE SIDE".
"well, i guess we will never get the chance to prove any of these claims" replies the professor of sociology.
that moment, the train breaks down with technical issues, and stops.
after killing some time waiting, the professor of philosophy suggests, they all go and check out the sheep, so they do.
they hike up the small hill where the sheep grazes, and check it out.
and, surprisingly, it really turns out to be black only on one side, the other side is perfectly white.
while they are studying the sheep, the farmer comes up to them, and asks what it is that they are doing here.
the professor of philosophy greets him and says: "that is quite an interesting sheep you have here".
the farmer looks at them incredulously for a few seconds, shakes his head, and yells: "now you gotta be the stupidest motherfockers i met today. this is a goat you idiots."


----------



## Guest

An electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, computer engineer, a mechanical engineer and a civil engineer are riding in a car and discuss their view of god. The electrical engineer starts. "Look at the human body, all controlled by electrical signals. God is an electrical engineer" The chemical engineer argues with him, "no, god is a chemical engineer. Each cell in the body is a chemical factory that effortlessly synthesizes extremely complex molecules." The computer engineer objects, "God is the greatest computer engineer that ever existed, the computational power of the brain dwarfs the combined computational power off all computers that have ever been manufactured." The mechanical engineer scoffs, "clearly you have no understanding of mechanical engineering. The muscular/skeletal structure of the human body is the most sophisticated machine ever created." Finally the civil engineer shakes his head and speaks. "Well, if god is a civil engineer, then he is incompetent. He put the waste disposal unit right in the middle of the entertainment center!"


----------



## Dorsetmike

I have just found an origami porn channel, but it is paper view only


----------



## Jacck

A German, an Italian, a Frenchman and an Englishman are having a philosophical debate.
The question arises: What separates man from the animals?
"Technology," says the German. "Other creatures have tools, yet none can match the hights of engineering we have accomplished. It is our industry that separates us from the beasts."
"I disagree," announces the Italian. "It is our food. The creatures of the wild eat, but they do not cook. Humans on the other hand, create amazing dishes and new combination that make eating a most enjoyable experience."
"I say it's art," decides the Frenchman. "No other being can create art. From our earliest days we have painted, and now we sculpt, write and compose as well. The wild animals cannot ever know what it is like to cry over a beautiful piece of art."
All three now look towards the Englishman, expecting his answer. He takes a long sip of tea before answering.
"The Channel."


----------



## Dorsetmike

I burnt my Hawaiian pizza today.

I think I should have cooked it on aloha temperature.


----------



## EddieRUKiddingVarese




----------



## Luchesi

Why is England such a wet country? 

Because the queen has reigned there for years! 


Why did the Siamese twins move to England? 

So the other one could drive!


----------



## Dorsetmike

Two little boys, ages 5 and 7, are excessively mischievous.

They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.

The boys’ mother heard that a preacher in town Had been successful in disciplining children, So she asked if he would speak with her boys.

The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.

The mother sent the 5 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.

The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, “Do you know where God is, son?”

The boy’s mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.

So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, “Where is God?! Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.

The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face and bellowed, “WHERE IS GOD?!”

The boy screamed & bolted from the room, Ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, He asked, “What happened?”

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied,

“We are in BIG trouble this time!” “GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!”


----------



## KenOC

A newly-hired CEO arrives for work at a mid-range manufacturing company. The outgoing CEO is just leaving.

“Hi there! Good luck with your new job. To help out, I’ve left three envelopes for you in the top drawer of your desk. Whenever you hit a crisis point, just open one.”

The new guy responds, “Well, many thanks for that. I hope you have good luck too.” And so, they part.

A few weeks later, things are on the skids, employees are muttering darkly, and there’s talk about firing the new CEO. So he opens the first envelope and reads, “Blame it on the prior management.” He does so, and things get smoothed over.

Some time later, sales are down, profits are shrinking, and again the CEO finds himself in a very insecure position. So he opens the second envelope and reads, “Blame it on the economy.” And so he does, and again matters improve.

Another year passes. Workers are about to go on strike, profits have disappeared entirely, and their products are getting hammered by cheap imports. So he opens the third envelope and reads, “Prepare three envelopes…”


----------



## geralmar

Stupid joke from childhood:

Q. Why won't anyone starve in the desert?
A. Because of the sand which is there.


----------



## Jacck

Vladimir Putin is traveling abroad. He enters the customs line, approaches the agent and is asked:
Agent: age?
Putin: 66
Agent: occupation?
Putin: not this time, just visiting.


----------



## Dorsetmike

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire.
Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.


----------



## Dorsetmike

An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk hide and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite off, chew and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling.
The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on....


----------



## Jacck

Three dinosaurs stumble across a magic lamp.
They rub it, and a genie appears.
"I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces.
The first dinosaur thinks hard.
"Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat."
Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appears in front of him.
Not to be outdone, the second dinosaur thinks even harder.
"I know! I'll have a shower of meat!"
Immediately, huge pieces of meat rain down around him.
The third dinosaur, certainly not to be outdone, thinks harder than the previous dinosaurs.
"I've got it!" he cries, "I want a MEATIER shower!"


----------



## Dorsetmike

Exerpts from a pets dictionary

DOG POUND: Used cur lot. 

DOGS: The leashed of God’s creatures. 

DOGSLEDS: Chariots of fur. 

POLICE DOG: Squad cur.

OBEDIENCE SCHOOL DIPLOMA: Barkerlaurate. 

Aquarium: interactive television for cats.

Cataclysm: any great upheaval in a cat's life.

Catatonic: a feline medicinal drink.

Caterpillar: a soft scratching post for a cat.

Cat Scan: to look for a new cat.

Impurrsonate: to act like the cat.

Purrade: an organized march of cats.

Purradise: the garden of cats.

Purramour: a cat lover.

Purranoia: the fear that your cat is up to something.


----------



## Dorsetmike

A man walks into a bar. As he sits down, he looks up and notices three pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the bartender, “What’s with the meat?”

The bartender says, “If you can jump up and slap all three pieces at once, you get free drinks for an hour. If you miss even one, you have to pay for everyone else’s drinks for the rest of the night. Wanna give it a go?”

The man takes another look at the meat, then says, “I think I’ll pass. The steaks are too high.”


----------



## Dorsetmike

Where is the Land of the Rising Sun?

I don’t know – I don’t get up that early


----------



## senza sordino

Will glass coffins be successful?
Remains to be seen

I went to the zoo yesterday. All they had was a single dog
It was a shih tzu 

Why a man marries a woman is a mystery. 
Why a man marries many women is a bigamistery


----------



## Dorsetmike

Ever tried eating a clock? It's very time consuming.


----------



## Luchesi

Why can't you hear when a pterodactyl is using the bathroom?

because the p is silent


----------



## TxllxT

The more I get to know people, the more I understand why Noah only allowed animals to enter his ark.


----------



## TxllxT

- Abraham, do you pray before your meal?

- Beg your pardon? Sarah is cooking very well!


----------



## TxllxT

When a woman is telling you that she loves her children more than her husband, do not believe her.
Because she's willing to let her children to be looked after by the neighbor's wife, but her husband....never.


----------



## geralmar




----------



## Dorsetmike

Did you know they won't be making yardsticks any longer?


----------



## EdwardBast

geralmar said:


>


I get the joke but, in fact, squirrels empty that kind of feeder as fast as they can eat.


----------



## Dorsetmike

Brenda made an appointment to see her doctor, because she was worried about her husband's bad temper.
Doctor Thomas asked "What's the problem?"
Brenda replied "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband Jimmy seems to lose his temper for no reason. It's beginning to scare me."
The Doctor said "I have a cure for that. When it seems that he's getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth.
Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."
Two weeks later Brenda returned to the doctor looking fresh and happy.
She said "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down!
How does a glass of water do that?"
Dr Thomas replied "The water itself does nothing..............



It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick."


----------



## Ingélou

Dorsetmike said:


> Brenda made an appointment to see her doctor, because she was worried about her husband's bad temper.
> Doctor Thomas asked "What's the problem?"
> Brenda replied "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband Jimmy seems to lose his temper for no reason. It's beginning to scare me."
> The Doctor said "I have a cure for that. When it seems that he's getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth.
> Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."
> Two weeks later Brenda returned to the doctor looking fresh and happy.
> She said "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down!
> How does a glass of water do that?"
> Dr Thomas replied "The water itself does nothing..............
> 
> It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick."


They were saying that in the 13th century! 

*'Say me, wight in the brom,
Teche me how I shule don
That min housebonde
Me lovien wolde.'

'Hold thine tunge stille
And have al thine wille.'*


----------



## Luchesi

A prisoner is told "If you tell a lie we will hang you; if you tell the truth we will shoot you." What can he say to save himself?

Answer:
You will hang me.


----------



## Dorsetmike

Why did Noah build the Ark out of wood?

He couldn't find an ark welder.


----------



## starthrower

A cute prank! And a better real life secretary couldn't be found.


----------



## TxllxT

- Moshe, people say you got married.
- Yes, that's true.
- But how are things going, you like it, eh?
- Smoking I'm not allowed. Walking outside I'm not allowed.
- Do you feel pity that you got married?
- Feeling pity I'm also not allowed.


----------



## Dorsetmike

Daniel and Jessica, a young couple, got married and went happily on their honeymoon.
When they got back, Jessica immediately 'phoned her mother and her mother obviously asked, 'How was the honeymoon, dearest?'
'Oh, Mum,' she replied, 'the honeymoon was wonderful. So romantic...'
Then Jessica burst out crying.
'But as soon as we returned home Daniel started using the most ghastly language... saying things I've never heard before!
I mean, all these awful 4-letter words!
You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please Mum.'
'Calm down, Jessica!,' said her mother, 'Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?'
Still sobbing, Jessica whispered, 'Oh, Mum ...

Words like dust, wash, cook, and iron.'


----------



## TxllxT

Sarah: "Isa, you're a true miracle worker! We are going two weeks together and I'm already three months in pregnancy!"


----------



## TxllxT

- Vladimir Vladimirovich, how come that some many sites on the internet talk about renaming Peterburg to Putinburg? What is your opinion about this?
- Well, Putinburg doesn't sound that fine. Peterburg we will rename to Putingrad and Putinburg will be how we rename Dresden.


----------



## TxllxT

Dr. Cohen is working at the first aid department of a hospital. An elderly lady is entering. Dr. Cohen talks with her, investigates her, and says to her: "Dear mrs., I'm sorry to say but you are pregnant". Yelling and shrieking the elderly lady runs to the exit, where an other doctor is trying to comfort her. This doctor immediately goes for dr. Cohen. He says: "How in the world you are able to diagnose this old lady with being pregnant?!-- She's 78, mother and grandmother!"-- "She was completely out of her mind!"-- Says dr. Cohen: "Was she still troubled by hiccups?"


----------



## Dorsetmike

Joe was a heating and cooling technician. His assistant was a small chimpanzee he had trained to do all the duct work.
The chimp had no fear of heights or confined spaces, and besides, he didn't have to be paid.

One day, he got a call from a customer who said his air conditioner had broken down.
Joe went over and discovered some defective ducting. The customer asked if it would be hard to fix.

"No problem," replied Joe, "I have a little duct ape that will take care of it!"


----------



## Dorsetmike

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, Start with a small country.


----------



## geralmar




----------



## TxllxT

- Abraham, tomorrow we will celebrate our marriage day; shall we kill the rabbit?
- Why the rabbit? It was Benya who brought us together.


----------



## geralmar

TxllxT said:


> Dr. Cohen is working at the first aid department of a hospital. An elderly lady is entering. Dr. Cohen talks with her, investigates her, and says to her: "Dear mrs., I'm sorry to say but you are pregnant". Yelling and shrieking the elderly lady runs to the exit, where an other doctor is trying to comfort her. This doctor immediately goes for dr. Cohen. He says: "How in the world you are able to diagnose this old lady with being pregnant?!-- She's 78, mother and grandmother!"-- "She was completely out of her mind!"-- Says dr. Cohen: "Was she still troubled by hiccups?"


Many years ago when I was in elementary school the principal was in our classroom on an informal visit. One of my classmates tugged on her dress and complained she had the hiccups. The principal glared at her and angrily accused her of committing some infraction. The classroom went dead silent. The girl was petrified. Then the principal smiled and said, "Cured you of the hiccups, didn't I?" I think today that might qualify as child abuse; back then it was one damned effective cure.


----------



## geralmar




----------



## SixFootScowl

geralmar said:


>


And of course, the Engineer says the glass it larger than it needs to be.


----------



## haydnguy

See, I think the record companies should give out beer. The more you drink the better the albums look.


----------



## mikeh375

Vet..."Hello Mr Schrodinger, I have some good news and some bad news."


----------



## Dorsetmike

I've found a place to learn about small cars, it's miniscule


----------



## Dorsetmike

There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm still looking.


----------



## mikeh375

@Dorsetmike, by the power invested in this scouser, I hereby make you an honorary Liverpudlian for your humorous services rendered to this thread. (unless of course you are already a scouser, know what I mean laaah). You and everyone else in this thread are being held responsible for my lack of work, damn you all....


----------



## Dorsetmike

If you ever feel cold, just stand in a corner - they are usually around 90 degrees


----------



## ldiat

Dorsetmike said:


> If you ever feel cold, just stand in a corner - they are usually around 90 degrees


that a really good angle!


----------



## TxllxT

Pushkin died in the age of 37 years, 
Majakovsky shot himself being 36 years old, 
Yesenin hanged himself being 30 years old, 
Lermontov died in a duel, 26 years old, 
and what did you do for your pension fund ?!


----------



## geralmar




----------



## Dorsetmike

Did you hear about the magic tractor? It turned into a field


----------



## TxllxT

Odessa joke:
- Doctor, I've got terribly frozen legs!
- [Doctor] I have also got terribly frozen legs, but then I lie with my wife in bed and... my legs are warming up!
- Doctor, where do I find your wife?


----------



## Dorsetmike

The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don't have to mow it


----------



## TxllxT

Odessa Joke
- Abraham, how shall we celebrate our twenty years being together?
- One minute of silence, Sarah.


----------



## Dorsetmike

Saturdays and Sundays are strong, the rest are weekdays.


----------



## Dorsetmike

I met a one-legged woman who works in a brewery.

She's in charge of the hops.


----------



## geralmar




----------



## TxllxT

Odessa jokes
- Sarah, will you go dancing with me?
- Jasha, do you snore during the night?

- Abraham, why did you tell the man to [F-word]? 
- You know he's a gynaecologist. It's enough to tell him to go to work.


----------



## Ingélou

Sorry if you've had this one before - 

It was St Valentine's Day in Auchengillan and Sandy McTavish, the local travel agent, was in a good mood. Bookings over the winter had been well up on the previous year and profits had been sky high. So when he looked out of his window and saw an old lady and an old gentleman peering in the window at the posters showing glamorous destinations around the world, he experienced a rare feeling of generosity (and saw an opportunity for some free publicity in the local newspaper). 

He called the dejected couple in (out of the rain) and announced: "On your pension you could never hope to have a holiday abroad, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense - and I won't take no for an answer." He gave them two flight tickets and a room in a five star hotel in sun-drenched Tenerife for two weeks. 

About a month later, the little old lady came in to his shop. Sandy asked "And how did you like your holiday?" The old lady replied: "The flight was exciting and the room was lovely. I've come to thank you - but, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"


----------



## Ingélou

Another joke from a Scottish Humour site:

Malcolm, Murdo and Callum were sitting in a bar discussing the words they would like to hear spoken over their coffins at their wakes. 

Malcolm says, "I would like them to say 'He was a wonderful family man - he always supported his wife and kids, and they never wanted for anything'". 

Murdo nods and says, "That's lovely Malcolm. But I would like to hear them say, 'He was a great man in the community - he undertook a lot of projects to make his community a better place.'" 

Callum thinks for a moment and then says, "That's very nice, Murdo. But I would like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!'"


----------



## Ingélou

And finally - 

Geordie had never paid much attention to his wife when she was alive but, surprisingly, he found after she passed away that he missed her a lot. He decided to go to a medium to see if he could contact her. During the seance, a breeze wafted through the darkened room and suddenly Geordie was sure he heard his wife's voice.

"Maisie!" he cried. "Is that you?"

"Aye, Geordie."

"Are you happy?"

"Aye, Geordie."

"Happier than you were with me?"

"Aye, Geordie...much happier!"

"Then Heaven must be an amazing place."

"I'm not in Heaven."


----------



## TxllxT

Once there was a pious Russian officer under the Czar who owned a parrot. The man used to pray aloud in front of the corner filled with icons. One day the man left a book on the table, that he had received as a present, and went out. When he came back, the remains of the book were found, completely torn and shred to pieces. Very angry the officer looked up at his parrot. He tried to catch the bird, shouting "I will kill you!" The parrot flew away and hid on top of the cupboard. "I will kill you!" All of a sudden the officer heard: "Lord Almighty, have mercy with me! Be merciful with your sinner!" For more than a hour this went on and on. After one hour the officer said: "Come down, sinner, you've been forgiven".


----------



## TxllxT

In the Yeshiva:
- Monya, what do think, did Noah catch lots of fish when he was in the ark?
- No, he had only two worms.


----------



## Luchesi

Stravinsky on Webern:
"Doomed to total failure in a deaf world of ignorance and indifference, he inexorably kept on cutting out his diamonds, his dazzling diamonds, of whose mines he had a perfect knowledge."


----------



## TxllxT

- Solomon Markovich, what's your opinion about the novel custom that allows men to be present at the moment of birth? 
- No, I'm old fashioned. I rather allow men to be present at the moment of begetting.


----------



## TxllxT




----------



## geralmar




----------



## TxllxT

(Source: The Atlantic)

How do we know that Adam and Eve were Soviet citizens? They had one apple between the two of them, they had no clothes, and they believed they were living in paradise.
----------------------------------------
Vladimir Putin is calling the White House, “Hello, Donald? I would like to discuss Ukraine with you.”

Trump: “What’s Ukraine?”

Putin: “Thanks, Donald!”
--------------------------------------
Putin opens the refrigerator and sees a plate of quivering gelatin, 
“Stop shaking!” Putin says. 
“I am only getting the milk.”


----------



## TxllxT

At the neighbor's a child was born. And now Isa has got his own Wailing Wall.


----------



## SixFootScowl

A mathematician wanders back home at 3 a.m. and gets an ear-full from his wife.

"You're late! You said you would be home by 11:45!" She yells.

"Actually, I said I would be home by a quarter of 12," the mathematician replies coolly.


----------



## Dorsetmike

A thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money.

The man started sobbing and said, ‘You can take anything you want. But please untie the rope and free her.’

Thief: ‘You must really love your wife!’

Man: ‘Not particularly, but she will be home shortly. ‘

✧ ✧ ✧

My boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn’t getting any respect.

Later that morning he went out and got a small sign that read, “I’m the Boss.” He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said: “Your wife called. She wants you to bring her sign back.”


----------



## geralmar




----------



## TxllxT

Early in the morning a man was leaving the house of a woman author, musing:"The book was better though".


----------



## Dorsetmike

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red
--------------------------
In search of fresh vegetable puns - lettuce know
---------------------------
A bike in town keeps running me over - it's a vicious cycle


----------



## Room2201974

A pianist friend of mine had to have an operation to remove his hemiola. Now he only plays in unison.


----------



## Dorsetmike

A Scottish laddie got a place at an English university. He'd never left the highlands before and was finding his new surroundings a bit difficult to get used to. At the end of his first week he phoned home and told his Ma how he was doing.

"I'm doing fine, Ma," he said, " but these English boys are very strange. I think they must be getting homesick."

"Why, what are they doing?" his Ma asked.

"Well, the boy in the room next door just cries and cries," he said. "And the boy the other side bangs his head on the wall. And there's always shouting in the corridor."

"Oh, my puir wee boy. How terrible! You must be verra worried."

"Oh, it disnae worry me," he replied. "It takes more than that to put me off playing my bagpipes."


----------



## Dorsetmike

My wife had been after me for several weeks to varnish the wooden seat on our toilet. Finally, I got around to doing it while she was out. After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned. She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realised that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat. About that time, I got home and realised her predicament. We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts. Julie wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room. The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.) My wife tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before". The Doctor replied "Actually, I've seen lots of them. I just never saw one mounted and framed".


----------



## LezLee

I notice in the paper today that Elon Musk and Bill Gates have got together to try to produce a new improved version of Viagra. Seems they're calling it 'Elongates'.


----------



## Dorsetmike

Many years ago, in the south pacific, there was a small island kingdom that was ruled by a kind and benevolent King. Each year, on the King's birthday, the residents of the island gave the King a new throne as token of their love and respect for him. And each year, the King would put last years gift up in the attic of his small house. After many years of ruling the island, the weight of the large number of birthday presents stored up in the attic became too heavy and caused the house to fall down. 
The moral of the story is that people in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.


----------



## Dorsetmike

A young couple recently bought a large Tudor house in London, then decided that their new home needed central heating. When they were told it would be impossible to install a heating system in such an old house, the wife sighed and said,
"I should have known that we couldn't have archaic and heat it too."


----------



## Dorsetmike

A man goes into a pet shop and asks "Have you got any puppies going cheap?"

The assistant replies "Nah, mate, ours all bark!"


----------



## TxllxT

Rabinovich, why are you constantly looking for a wife? -- Look for money and women will find you!

- Sarah, you are already for three years a widow. I am also alone. I'm not young anymore, but I'm not short of money either. You understand, what I'm thinking?
- Ach, Solomon Markovich! Gladly I will like to be your widow too....


----------



## ldiat

Patient: Doc, you gotta help me.For the last two weeks, I suddenly start singing and it takes all my might to control it..

Doctor: Yes ,what you have is called Tom Jones Disease.

Patient: Gee, I've never heard of that.Is it rare?

Doctor: Well, it's not unusual


----------



## TxllxT

Grandfather and grannie in bed. 
"Grandfather, do you want something?" 
.................."Uuhhmmmm, doesn't work. [****] Putin!"
"What does Putin have to do with it?"
"Because it didn't happen under Brezhnev!"


----------



## LezLee

A giraffe goes into a bar saying:
"The high balls are on me"


----------



## TxllxT

A rabbi is saying: "Brothers! What happened to you? You are smoking, you are boozing, and you are going after ladies of easy virtue!"
All of a sudden he hears someone in the assembly sighing: "Oh!" 
"Chaim, what does that mean: "Oh!"?", the rabbi asks.
"Oh! I suddenly remember where I left my glasses."


----------



## Strange Magic

Two missionaries lost in the jungle are captured by a savage tribe. The tribal witch doctor confronts the two and asks the first missionary: "Chi-Chi or Death?" The first missionary thinks for a moment, and says "Chi-Chi". "OK" says the witch doctor, "Chi-Chi!". The missionary is dragged off and, for hours, is beaten, kicked, covered in filth, violated, and finally allowed to crawl off, broken and degraded, into the jungle.

The witch doctor then approaches the second missionary, who has observed to his horror the indignities visited upon his companion. The witch doctor asks: "Chi-Chi or Death?". The second missionary stands tall and announces his decision: "Death!!". "OK", says the witch doctor; "Death! But first, Chi-Chi!"


----------



## TxllxT

Odessa Humor
"Isa, did you ever put your whole life at risk because of a beloved woman?"
"Jasha, I am doing that every day
...because I am eating that what she has been cooking."


----------



## Dorsetmike

How did Joseph and Mary know the weight of baby Jesus?

They had a weigh in a manger!


----------



## Dorsetmike

How do you help a lemon in trouble? 




Give it lemonade


----------



## ldiat

How do you keep bacon from curling in the pan?

You take away their little brooms


----------



## Luchesi

What's the best thing about Switzerland?

I don't know, but their flag is a big plus!


----------



## Luchesi

What did the left eye say to the right eye?

"Just between you and me, something smells!"


----------



## Luchesi

What kind of bees make milk???



boobies


----------



## Dorsetmike

How do the Chinese do a stir fry?

Easy, I'll wok you through it


----------



## TxllxT

Psychiatrist: I congratulate you with the progress you are making.
Patient: Progress? You call that progress ?! 
Half a year ago I still was Napoleon. 
Today I'm nobody!


----------



## TxllxT

- Isa, do you love the fatherland?
- Well yes, of course I do!
- Would you be willing to sacrifice your life for the fatherland?
- Well no, who would still be there to love the fatherland?


----------



## Dorsetmike

I'm reading a great book about lubricants

It's non-friction


----------



## Dorsetmike

I'm getting an axolotl for my aquarium. I'll call him Tiny, as he will be my newt. 

(I'll admit - I had to Google axolotl)


----------



## Dorsetmike

Jim walks into his boss's office. "Sir, I'll be absolutely straight with you, I know the economy isn't great, but I have three companies that are after me, and I would like to respectfully ask for a raise."

After a few minutes of negotiating the boss finally agrees to a 10% increase in salary and Jim happily gets up to leave. "By the way", asks the boss as Jim is getting up, "which three companies are after you?"

Jim replies, "The electric company, the water company, and the phone company!”


----------



## Dorsetmike

A bird fancier goes into the chemist as his wife said they has run out of painkillers at home.

'What brand are you looking for?' the chemist asked.

'I dunno. All the wife will tell me is that the parrots et em all'


----------



## Totenfeier

Dorsetmike said:


> A bird fancier goes into the chemist as his wife said they has run out of painkillers at home.
> 
> 'What brand are you looking for?' the chemist asked.
> 
> 'I dunno. All the wife will tell me is that the parrots et em all'


Speaking as an American, I'd say the man is very angry because all his wife will tell him is "I see the men often!"


----------



## Dorsetmike

Text Shorthand For Mature Members

ATD - At the Doctors
BTW - Bring the wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
FWIW - Forgot where I was
IMHO - Is my hearing aid on?
GGPBL - Gotta go, pacemaker battery low
ROFLACGU - Rolling on floor laughing and can't get up
TTYL - Talk to you louder


----------



## TxllxT

- Sarah, would you like to go with me to a museum?
- Well Isa, are you not able to pronounce the word 'restaurant'?


----------



## TxllxT

- 'Love your neighbor as yourself'.
- Madam, Love me! I'm your neighbor.


----------



## TxllxT

Another Odessa joke.
Two friends came to visit the grave of Rabinovich.
- Look, Isa, how good it is here! Birds are singing, trees are flowering. 
I would just like to lie down next to Rabinovich.
And you?
- Well, I would rather lie next to mrs Botushanska!
- But she is still alive!
- That's why...


----------



## Kjetil Heggelund

Are you interested in time travel?
Meet up here last thursday at 18.30!


----------



## Dorsetmike

What do you call an elephant who doesn't matter?

An irrelephant.


----------



## Room2201974

When my son was a young boy he said, "Dad, where does pooh come from?" So I took a few minutes to elaborate on the entire process and when I was done he sat for a bit in stunned silence and then said, " Tigger too? "


----------



## Dorsetmike

A professional dietitian was lecturing in front of a group of people, all of whom said they wanted to lose weight. The dietitian was explaining that diet should also address healthier living as many foods were both fattening and potentially harmful. “Sugary carbonated drinks can damage the lining of our stomach and bladder, processed food may be full of chemicals, meat can be full of preservatives and/or hormones, and even fruit and vegetables may have been sprayed with pesticides. And I haven’t even got onto fatty foods yet! Do you know which type of dessert or cake will give you the most troubles and suffering for many years after you’ve eaten it?”

The whole group fell silent, until an 80-year-old man sitting in the back stood up and said .............


“A wedding cake…?”


----------



## mikeh375

DorsetMike, you are my required daily read.


----------



## Dorsetmike

Why thank you sir, as the notice in the Gents said

"We aim to please - your aim helps"


----------



## Dorsetmike

Why call it a bungalow? 

'Cos they started to build a 2 storey house but ran out of bricks and had to bung a low roof on it


----------



## Dorsetmike

Mother Gnu was waiting for Papa Gnu as he came home for dinner one evening. "Our little boy was very bad today," she declared. "I want you to punish him." "Oh no," said Father Gnu. "I won't punish him.

You'll have to learn to paddle your own gnu."


----------



## Dorsetmike

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said,

"I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."


----------



## Room2201974

I hoping this one is good enough to justify my using it in two different threads:

This morning I invented the Dunning-Kruger chord. What is it? I'm afraid you'll never know.


----------



## Dorsetmike

Puns are for children, not groan readers.


----------



## TxllxT

- Rosa, what are we having for dinner this evening?
- Potatoes & depression.
- How come?
- Purée, you know: potatoes under suppression.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From the roof an icicle fell down, killing the concierge.
A policeman arrived, who had to determine the cause of death.
He wrote:
"Spring is in the air".


----------



## Jacck

An atheist is walking through the countryside when he is ambushed by a huge grizzly bear.
"Oh God!" he screams "Help me!"
The bear stops in its tracks and a voice from the heavens rings out "All your life you've said you don't believe in me, slandered my name and now you want my help?"
"I realize that my request is bold," replies the atheist "but would it be possible for you to make this bear a Christian?"
"Of course it is!" replies God.
The bear closes its eyes and clasps its paws in prayer and says "Thank you Father for this meal I am about to receive..."


----------



## SixFootScowl

Jacck said:


> An atheist is walking through the countryside when he is ambushed by a huge grizzly bear.
> "Oh God!" he screams "Help me!"
> The bear stops in its tracks and a voice from the heavens rings out "All your life you've said you don't believe in me, slandered my name and now you want my help?"
> "I realize that my request is bold," replies the atheist "but would it be possible for you to make this bear a Christian?"
> "Of course it is!" replies God.
> The bear closes its eyes and clasps its paws in prayer and says "Thank you Father for this meal I am about to receive..."


Guess the atheist should have asked for the bear to be a Christian vegetarian!


----------



## TxllxT

Marriage counselling.
A woman and her husband appear at the appointment with a psychologist.
The woman starts talking, talking, without end for about half a hour.
Suddenly the psychologists rises from his seat, walks over to the woman and gives her the kiss of life, a real big one.
"You know, what your wife needs? This!!"
The man shortly looks on his smartphone and answers: "OK, on Mondays and Wednesdays I'm able to bring her with the car, but not on Fridays, because then I'm playing golf."


----------



## Jacck

Did you hear about the lawyer from Texas who was so big when he died that they couldn't find a coffin big enough to hold the body?
They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox


----------



## Dorsetmike

How do you approach an angry cheese?



Caerphilly!


----------



## Dorsetmike

“I found out that it’s not good to talk about my troubles. Eighty percent of the people who hear them don’t care and the other twenty percent are glad I’m having them.”


----------



## Dorsetmike

“I’m working as hard as I can to get my life and my cash to run out at the same time. If I can just die after lunch on Tuesday, everything will be perfect.”


----------



## Dorsetmike

Hours after the end of the world, a border dispute emerged between heaven and hell. God invited the devil for conversations to find a way to resolve this dispute quickly. Satan, the devil, proposed a soccer game between heaven and hell.

God, always fair, told the devil, "The heat must be affecting your brain, the game would be so one sided, don't you know all the 'good' players go to heaven?"

The devil, smiling, responded "Yeah, but we've got all the referees'..."


----------



## Art Rock

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?


----------



## TxllxT

Miracles do happen.
It happened during a _live_ televised transmission with president Putin speeching.
All of a sudden granddad, 
who had been paralysed for years, 
stood up from his bed, 
and switched off the TV.


----------



## TxllxT

Odessa joke.
A man at the reception desk of the hotel.
- I want to file a complaint: there are bloodsucking bugs crawling in my bed.
- Well, what do you want for the money you paid for your hotelroom? That Julia Roberts is crawling in your bed?


----------



## Jacck

*Scientific Pick Up Lines*

Are you my Appendix, cause I have a gut feeling I should take you out.

Billions of neutrinos penetrate you every second...Mind if I join in?

Baby you've definitely got potential, my place would be a great place to convert it to kinetic

Why don't we measure the coefficient of static friction between me and you?

http://jokes4us.com/pickuplines/scientificpickuplines.html


----------



## Dorsetmike

How do you make a water bed more bouncy?


Use spring water.


----------



## Jacck

A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, l have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" "That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but l have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and l will put them in with my two male parrots who l taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to worship." "Thank you!" the woman responded. So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the bibles away. Our prayers have been answered!"


----------



## Dorsetmike

Two elderly people who have been courting for years finally decide to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding plans and go into a chemist. The old man goes up to the sales assistant and says, "Do you sell heart medication?"
"Of course we do," says the assistant.
"How about medicine for the circulation?" asks the old man.
The assistant replies, "All kinds."
The old man continues, "How about medicine for rheumatism?"
"We have that too", says the assistant.
"How about Viagra?" asks the old man.
"We do stock that", replies the assistant.
"Got any medicine for the memory?" says the old man.
The assistant replies, "Yes, we have a large selection of drugs to improve your mental faculties".
"Okay,' says the old man. So what about vitamins and sleeping pills?"
"Got lots,' replies the assistant.
"Perfect!' says the old man. In that case we'd like to register here for our wedding gifts".


----------



## Jacck

A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, I haven't had a bowel movement in a week!" The doctor gives him a prescription for a mild laxative and tells him, "If it doesn't work, let me know." 
A week later the guy is back: "Doc, still no movement!" 
The doctor says, "Hmm, guess you need something stronger," and prescribes a powerful laxative. 
Still another week later the poor guy is back: "Doc, STILL nothing!" 
The doctor, worried, says, "We'd better get some more information about you to try to figure out what's going on. What do you do for a living?" 
"I'm a musician." 
The doctor looks up and says, "Well, that's it! Here's $10.00. Go get something to eat!"


----------



## starthrower

I just heard about a new book entitled "The Spiritual Life Of Donald Trump". It's the first book to be published on a Chiclet.


----------



## ldiat

really funny silly jokes! and this


----------



## Dorsetmike

“What do you call a wandering caveman?” 

“A Meanderthal.”


----------



## Beef Oven

HarpsichordConcerto said:


> Some really silly jokes?
> 
> John Cage, _4'33"_ ... hahaha ...


I prefer_ 5'48''_(with the exposition repeats)


----------



## SixFootScowl

Beef Oven said:


> I prefer_ 5'48''_(with the exposition repeats)


Oh wow! And all this time I was listening to the cut version! All the wasted time! What a shame. I will be sure to only play the 5'48" complete version from now on. Thank you!


----------



## Luchesi

It looks beauteous on the page


----------



## Dorsetmike

Hans Grapje was raised in a Catholic school in The Hague and, as a young man, aspired to become a priest, but was drafted into the Army during WWII and spent two years co-piloting B17s until his aircraft was shot down in 1943 and he lost his left arm. Captain Grapje spent the rest of the war as a chaplain, giving spiritual aid to soldiers, both Allied and enemy.

After the war, he became a priest, serving as a missionary in Africa, piloting his own plane (in spite of his handicap) to villages across the continent. In 1997, Father Grapje was serving in Zimbabwe when an explosion in a silver mine caused a cave-in. Archbishop Grapje went down into the mine to administer last rights to those too severely injured to move. Another shaft collapsed, and he was buried for three days, suffering multiple injuries, including the loss of his right eye. The high silver content in the mine’s air gave him purpura, a life-long condition characterized by purplish skin blotches.

Although Cardinal Grapje devoted his life to the service of God as a scholar, mentor, and holy man, church leaders agree: he will never ascend to the Papacy. No one wants a one-eyed, one-armed, flying purple Papal leader.


----------



## EddieRUKiddingVarese




----------



## EddieRUKiddingVarese

A university maths professor (John) is having problems with his sink so he calls a plumber. The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, "How can you charge this much? This is half of my monthly salary." But he pays it anyways.


The plumber tells him, "Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumber and triple your salary. Just make sure you say you only stayed at school until year 11, they don't like educated people."


The professor takes him up on the offer and becomes a plumber. His salary triples and he doesn't have to work nearly as hard. But then the company makes an announcement that all of their plumbers must get a sixth form education. So they all go to night school.


On the first day of night school they all attend maths class. The teacher wants to gauge the class so he asks John, "What is the formula for the area of a circle?"


John walks up to the board and is about to write the formula when he realises he has forgotten it. So he begins to attempt to derive the formula, filling the board with complicated mathematics. He ends up figuring out it is negative pi times radius squared. He thinks the minus looks wrong so he starts all over again, but again he comes up with the same equation. After staring at the board for a minute he looks out at the other plumbers and sees that they are all whispering, "Switch the limits on the integral!"


----------



## Dorsetmike

How do you feel when you cross a melon with a cauliflower?


Meloncauli


----------



## Dorsetmike

I bought my friend a trampoline; He was over the moon with it.

Seems it was more powerful than I thought!


----------



## Dorsetmike

Tommy give me a sentence with the word fascinate in


Sir, I have a shirt with nine buttons but I can only fasten eight...


----------



## SixFootScowl

Tommy, give me a sentence with the word lettuce in it.


Sir, please let us go home early.


----------



## TxllxT

I don't have Facebook nor Instagram. That's why I've tried to contact with people according to the same principles of FB & Insta. Every day I go out and I explain to people, what I've eaten, how I feel, what I did yesterday evening, what I will do tomorrow, I show them photos of my friends, and of my hamster, photos about how I repair my bike, or photos when I'm two years old. Very attentive I listen to weird discussions, and I comment them with 'like'. And hurrah, I'm successful! I've received already five followers: two policemen, one psychiatrist, one psychologist and one guy with an ambulance.


----------



## Dorsetmike

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe, She had so many children, she didn’t know what to do.
So she sold the old shoe and don’t give a hoot.
She took out a mortgage, now she lives in a boot.
-------------------------------
Og the caveman sat in his cave chewing on a mammoth bone. Suddenly his mate ran into the cave screaming, “Og! Og! Come quickly! A sabertooth tiger just ran into mother’s cave.”

“So what”, said Og, tossing the well-gnawed bone over his shoulder. “Who the hell cares what happens to a sabertooth tiger.”
---------------------------------
I worked as a doctor for the World Health Organization. I didn’t mean to. I thought I was auditioning for Dr. WHO.
----------------------------


----------



## Dorsetmike

The guitar I was gifted by my neighbour doesn't work. ( Guess I should have known that when he said "no strings attached."


----------



## Barbebleu

Q. What dog can jump higher than a building?

A. Any dog. Buildings can't jump!

Sorry, I'll get my coat!


----------



## Barbebleu

Apologies if I have already posted this.

Some people have no consideration. Last night my neighbour came banging on my door at three-thirty in the morning.

Fortunately I was up playing my bagpipes!:lol:


----------



## SixFootScowl

Never buy flowers from a monk. 

Only YOU can prevent florist friars!


----------



## Dorsetmike

Why can't you breed an eel with an eagle?

Dont know, but I'm sure it would be eeleagle


----------



## SixFootScowl

What do you get if you cross an elephant with a rhino?

'ell if I know.


----------



## TxllxT

Grandma and granddad have lived together in perfect harmony, just as if every day they spent together was Valentine's Day. It even happened that they died blissfully together on the same day and same hour. Then they found themselves in paradise. And WOW, wow, wow, how paradise looked even more perfect than all what they had experienced together! All of a sudden granddad gives grandma a beating on her behind. "Why? Why did you do that, granddad? You never ever did something like that before!" "I did it, because you always believed in healthy food and a rational way of living! Look around and tell me why we didn't arrive here earlier!"


----------



## Dorsetmike

This one needs to be read in a Scottish accent -

Q. What's the difference between Bing Crosby and Walt Disney

A. Bings sings, Walt disney


----------



## Dorsetmike

Since this storm started my wife has done nothing but peer through the window. If it gets any worse I'll have to let her in.


----------



## SixFootScowl

“If attacked by a mob of clowns... go for the juggler.”


----------



## SixFootScowl

Actual sign at a restaurant with gas pumps many years ago:

"Eat here and get gas."


----------



## SixFootScowl

Incorrectly is the only word when spelled right is still spelled incorrectly.


----------



## Ingélou

The teacher heard Little Johnny use some serious bad language and was shocked. "Little Johnny, don't you ever use language like that again, not near me, not ever. Where on earth did you learn that?"

"I got it from my dad, Miss," replies Johnny.

"Well, your daddy should be ashamed. I hope you don't know what all that even means?"

"Oh but I do," says Johnny. "It means the car won't start."


----------



## SixFootScowl

With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy's truck leaves him too.


----------



## Art Rock

SixFootScowl said:


> Incorrectly is the only word when spelled right is still spelled incorrectly.


On the other hand, if incorrectly is spelled incorrectly it may have been spelled correctly or incorrectly.


----------



## KenOC

Art Rock said:


> On the other hand, if incorrectly is spelled incorrectly it may have been spelled correctly or incorrectly.


OTOH, if incorrectly is spelled correctly then it has certainly been spelled correctly, either way that is taken.


----------



## Dorsetmike

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

I love cats ... they taste just like chicken.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.


----------



## Kjetil Heggelund

Why do you have to be English to have fun?
English guy: "Do you want another helping?"
Norwegian guy: "No please, I'm fed up!"


----------



## Luchesi

Kjetil Heggelund said:


> Why do you have to be English to have fun?
> English guy: "Do you want another helping?"
> Norwegian guy: "No please, I'm fed up!"


Because I don't speak Norwegian 


enda ikke ennå


----------



## Jacck

Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his room..
It's not dead, It's just afraid to move.


----------



## Dorsetmike

You're An EXTREME ******* When...

1 You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2 The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3 You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4 You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.
5 You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
6 Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, guys, watch this.'
7 You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8 Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9 Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines. '
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.


----------



## TxllxT

- Good evening, can you call Shlomo for me?
- He's not here, he's in another world.
- What!? Did he die?
- God forbid! He's somewhere in the World Wide Web!


----------



## Dorsetmike

1. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

3. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

4. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

5. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?


----------



## EddieRUKiddingVarese

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour
COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk
FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk
NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you
BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then
throws the milk away
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy
grows.
You sell them and retire on the income
ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by
your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption
for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.
SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to
produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why
the cow has dropped dead.
A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows. You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds,
dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds.
You still only have two cows.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three
cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce
twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and
market it worldwide.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows,
but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive...


----------



## HenryPenfold

On my friend's birthday, I bought him an Elephant for his living room. He said 'thank you' - I said 'don't mention it'.


----------



## pianozach

I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add . . .


----------



## Dorsetmike

6. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

7. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

8. Seen it all, done it all. Can't remember much of it.

9. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

10. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.


----------



## HenryPenfold

My friend just got struck-off for having a physical relationship with a patient. All those years of medical training and experience down the pan for one silly mistake. Such a shame, he's a great friend, father, husband and a first class vet.


----------



## Jacck

EddieRUKiddingVarese said:


> A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
> You have two cows.
> The one on the left looks very attractive...


I don't understand the New Zealand corporation.


----------



## Dorsetmike

> I don't understand the New Zealand corporation.


In Wales it would be sheep not cows if that helps.


----------



## erki

First grade teacher draws a peach on the blackboard and asks: What is this? Little Jonny replies promptly: It's an a**. Teacher gets really upset while the class is laughing uncontrollably and commands Jonny out to come back with the headmaster. So they arrive shortly. As soon the headmaster sees the drawing on the blackboard he demands: Jonny, why did you draw an a** on the blackboard?!


----------



## Belowpar

Dorsetmike said:


> You're An EXTREME ******* When...
> 
> 1 You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
> 2 The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
> 3 You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
> 4 You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.
> 5 You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
> 6 Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, guys, watch this.'
> 7 You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
> 8 Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
> 9 Your junior prom offered day care.
> 10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines. '
> 11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
> 12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
> 13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
> 14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
> 15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
> 16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
> 17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.


Love this, gimme a high six!


----------



## Dorsetmike

Why is your nose in the middle of your face?

Because it is the scenter!


----------



## Dorsetmike

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a rather heavy, not too attractive, older lady walked up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady walked between them into a small room.

The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a beautiful, young woman stepped out. The father, said quietly to his son, "Go get your Mother".


----------



## SixFootScowl




----------



## Art Rock

Apparently, just like Bach, American have no clue how to pronounce van Gogh.


----------



## SixFootScowl

Art Rock said:


> Apparently, just like Bach, American have no clue how to pronounce van Gogh.


This is why it is silly jokes.


----------



## SixFootScowl

How can you tell if a banjo player is level headed?

!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
He drools out both sides of his mouth


----------



## KenOC

Art Rock said:


> Apparently, just like Bach, American have no clue how to pronounce van Gogh.


Actually, Bach could pronounce van Gogh just fine.


----------



## EdwardBast

SixFootScowl said:


> How can you tell if a banjo player is level headed?
> 
> !
> !
> !
> !
> !
> !
> !
> !
> !
> !
> !
> !
> !
> !
> !
> !
> !
> He drools out both sides of his mouth


The more standard, classical music version is: How can you tell if the stage is level? The violists are drooling out of both sides of their mouths.


----------



## pianozach

SixFootScowl said:


> How can you tell if a banjo player is level headed?
> 
> !
> !
> !
> !
> !
> !
> !
> !
> !
> !
> !
> !
> !
> !
> !
> !
> !
> He drools out both sides of his mouth





EdwardBast said:


> The more standard, classical music version is: How can you tell if the stage is level? The violists are drooling out of both sides of their mouths.


I'd always heard this as a *drummer* joke.

:lol:

Did you hear about the drummer that locked the keys in his car?

He was worried because it was starting to rain.

And it was a convertible.

And bass player was locked inside.

With his mouth open.


----------



## Dorsetmike

Never trust a train - they have loco motives


----------



## Dorsetmike

What do you call a Scotsman with one foot in the door?



Hame-ish


----------



## Dorsetmike

And his cousin the cloakroom attendant - Angus McOatup


----------



## Jacck

A priest, a philosopher, and a conspiracy theorist walk into a bar...
They sit down at a table and the priest says "God created all things!"

The philosopher says "But who created god?"

And the conspiracy theorist says "I think we're all just inside a computer and we're put into this exact situation by some weirdo as a sick joke!"


----------



## Sad Al

Never trust a neurosurgeon - they give lobo tomies.

I used to toss lobotomy jokes. I am looking for an artist, someone who could draw something like Iznogoud. I have dozens of funny stories that could make us a fortune.


----------



## TxllxT

Today two people appeared in the bank carrying mouth-caps.
Everybody panicked, but happily they were just robbers.


----------



## Dorsetmike

A book fell on my head this morning. I only have my shelf to blame.


----------



## Dorsetmike

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to his GP for a checkup. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

The next day, the doctor rang Morris and said: "I'm a little concerned, did you get your hearing tested as I suggested?"

Morris replied: "Not yet, I've been too busy following your other advice Doc, to get a hot mamma and be cheerful."

"NO," said the doctor. "I didn't say that. I said you've got a heart murmur, be careful."


----------



## Dorsetmike

A lost tourist in London asks a local for directions: "Excuse me, how do I get to the Albert Hall?". The reply,"Talent, luck and lots of practice."
--------------------------
Visitors to Spain are amazed at the skill of the tattoo artists there. No one expects the Spanish ink precision
-----------------------------
A Yorkshireman set-up a business removing all the debris after a building had been demolished. But some thought he was just asking for t'rubble.


----------



## erki

An English couple in Paris at the railway station ticket window: "Two to Toulouse". The clerk looks puzzled and wouldn't answer. Couple repeats their request: " Two to TOULOUSE"!!! They get an angry look and a reply: "Po-po-polu!" and the window slammed shut.


----------



## Jacck

Chuck Norris’ tears can cure you of the coronavirus. Too bad he doesn’t cry.

Chuck Norris caught the Coronavirus recently. He holds the virus hostage ever since.


----------



## Sad Al

Never trust a brain surgeon - all that they can do is to give lobo to me.


----------



## elgar's ghost

Last Valentine's Day I booked a good table in this really nice club. When me and the lady got there she burst into tears and flounced out calling me all the names under the sun. How was I to know she didn't like snooker?


----------



## Ingélou

*A man went to the movies and was surprised to find a woman with a big collie sitting in front of him. Even more amazing wias the fact that the dog always laughed in the right places throughout the comedy.

'Excuse me,' the man said to the woman, 'but I think it's astounding that your dog enjoys the movie so much.'

'I'm surprised myself,' she replied. 'He hated the book.'*


----------



## Dorsetmike

So I'm rubbing away at this old lamp when WHOOOSH a genie appears, (as they do); true to form he says "What is your wish?"'

So after about 2 seconds thought I say "I'd like a new Ferrari please"

"Sorry " says the genie. "no can do - I'm the Lambor genie"


----------



## TxllxT

How Russians fight coronavirus - Best memes and jokes https://www.rbth.com/lifestyle/331833-coronavirus-memes


----------



## Sad Al

What is Boris Johnson's favorite TV soap? 
– Coronavirus-nation Street


----------



## Sad Al

What happened when Toyota unveiled its exciting 2020 SUV model?

Corona photo went viral


----------



## Sad Al

Why are thalidomide victims so happy these days?

– They don't have to wash their hands after shopping


----------



## pianozach

Sad Al said:


> Why are thalidomide victims so happy these days?
> 
> - They don't have to wash their hands after shopping


_Too soon . . . . . _


----------



## EdwardBast

Found this one in the comments section of a youtube video, by a person only identified as Paul:

Two girls in a small Dutch village are riding their bikes home from school. One girl says, “I’ve never come this way before.” The other says, “It’s the cobblestones.”


----------



## Totenfeier

EdwardBast said:


> Found this one in the comments section of a youtube video, by a person only identified as Paul:
> 
> Two girls in a small Dutch village are riding their bikes home from school. One girl says, "I've never come this way before." The other says, "It's the cobblestones."


I heard that one with nuns.


----------



## EdwardBast

Totenfeier said:


> I heard that one with nuns.


Yes, nuns returning from church. Every joke is better with nuns!


----------



## Sad Al

Why doesn't Batman catch the coronavirus?

– He always wears a mask and gloves


----------



## Sad Al

Two female ratatouilles are simmering on stove. One ratatouille says, “I’ve never been so hot before.” The other says, “It’s the carrots.”


----------



## Sad Al

Why are lobotomized people so happy these days?

– They are happy with reality TV


----------



## mikeh375

2 viola players driving down a road. One says to the other, "I've never come this way before." 
"Me neither, we're lost" (again).


----------



## Pat Fairlea

mikeh375 said:


> 2 viola players driving down a road. One says to the other, "I've never come this way before."
> "Me neither, we're lost" (again).


Let me guess: they asked the way from a soprano?


----------



## Sad Al

The Sun experienced dry cough and fever. He went to Dr Saturn who run some tests and diagnosed a bad case of coronavirus.


----------



## mikeh375

Pat Fairlea said:


> Let me guess: they asked the way from a soprano?


a much needed LOL. thanks Pat.


----------



## Dorsetmike

Ran out of toilet paper and am now using lettuce.

Today was the tip of the iceberg.


----------



## Totenfeier

mikeh375 said:


> a much needed LOL. thanks Pat.


Probably elsewhere on the thread, but...

What is a soprano's usual morning routine?

She gets out bed, stretches, goes to the bathroom, takes a shower, dries off, puts her clothes on, and goes home.


----------



## mikeh375

Totenfeier said:


> Probably elsewhere on the thread, but...
> 
> What is a soprano's usual morning routine?
> 
> She gets out bed, stretches, goes to the bathroom, takes a shower, dries off, puts her clothes on, and goes home.


another LOL excellent. It's always been viola players as the butt of most muso jokes for me as I often worked with one in particular who was also a good friend (he sadly passed recently).


----------



## Sad Al

What kind of tenors live in a counter-clock world?

Countertenors


----------



## Sad Al

Coronavirus: Bat-Experiment gone wrong? CORONAVIRUS may have originated from the Batcave where Batman was conducting research on bats


----------



## Varick

If anyone knocks on the door and asks to put their finger up your bum to test for corona virus, don't let them.... it's a scam!!!!




I feel so stupid now.

V


----------



## Sad Al

A man fell critically ill with coronavirus on a remote swamp tour. How did he manage to save himself?







He put his Ventile jacket on an alligator and it became a ventilator.


----------



## geralmar




----------



## TxllxT

Old Chinese wisdom: When you have run out of words, say an old Chinese wisdom.


----------



## TxllxT

- There are two variants you will have to choose from.
- Plan A: You sit at home in quarantaine with your wife and child....
- ...........Plan B! Plan B!


----------



## ldiat

A panda walks up next to a bar patron and asks the bartender for a pickled egg. He wolfs it down, pulls out a revolver and shoots a hole in the ceiling then promptly walks out.

The patron said "What was that about?"

The bartender slides the patron a dictionary opened to

Panda : large bearlike mammal native to Western China.

Eats shoots and leaves.


----------



## geralmar




----------



## Flamme

I have many jokes about unemployed people. Sadly none of them work.


----------



## geralmar




----------



## geralmar




----------



## SixFootScowl

A little stay-at-home humor:

Anyone else's car getting 3 weeks to the gallon at the moment?

After several days at home I have determined what I really need to do is start social distancing myself from my refrigerator.

Pigeons probably think we're extinct.

Do not call the police on suspicious people in your neighborhood. Those are your neighbors without makeup and hair extensions.

I'm so bored I went outside to knock on my own door; then came back in and said, "Who is it?"

Dear Parents, that's so weird that your child isn't doing what you ask them to do at home. They never do that at School.
Sincerely,
Teachers who tried to tell you

​After spending a solid two weeks with no one but myself I'm starting to narrow down the source of many of my problems and you're not going to believe this--

Pastors in 2010-- "Facebook is from the devil."
​Pastors in 2020-- "Follow our FB Live Services."

Still haven't decided where to go for Easter. . .the living room or the bedroom.

Becoming skinny this summer is cancelled. Pass me that cupcake. Hello, My 600 Pound Life.

​I wonder if I throw a roll of toilet paper out in the middle of the Walmart parking lot, if people will attack it like seagulls fighting over French fries.

After years of wanting to thoroughly clean my house, but lacking the time. . .this week I discovered that wasn't the reason.


----------



## Taggart

It is with great sadness that I have to mention the loss of a few further local Businesses around our Town......

The Specialist in Submersibles, has gone Under,

The Manufacturer of Food Blenders has gone into Liquidation,

A Dog Kennel has had to call in the Retrievers,

The suppliers of Paper for Origami enthusiasts has Folded,

The Heinz factory has been Canned, as they couldn't Ketchup with orders,

The Tarmac Laying company has reached the end of the Road,

The Ice Cream factory says their customers have all Melted away,

The Barber says he just can’t Cut It,

The Bread company has run out of Dough,

The Clock manufacturer has had to Wind Down and gone Cuckoo,

The Shoe Shop owner has had to put his Foot Down and given his Staff the Boot.

And finally the Laundrette, has been taken to the Cleaners.


----------



## Flamme

What do you call Britney Spears when she is upset? Britney Tears:lol:


----------



## SixFootScowl

Flamme said:


> What do you call Britney Spears when she is upset? Britney Tears:lol:


And if she is ripping mad she can be Britney Tears! But that does not rhyme.


----------



## pianozach

This coffee tastes like mud.

.

That's odd; it was fresh ground this morning.


----------



## geralmar




----------



## Luchesi

geralmar said:


>


I had my cat neutered. He still goes out at night with all the other cats, but now he's a consultant.


----------



## Flamme

Guy walks up to the widow at her husbands funeral and says " May I just say one word?" Sure she replies." Plethora" The widow says" Thanks. That means a lot":lol:


----------



## SixFootScowl

An Elephant Walks into a bar as I was playing a sentimental tune on the piano.
The elephant stands there, staring at the piano, crying it's eyes out.
I asked "Do you recognize the tune?"
The Elephant replied "No, I recognize the keys"


----------



## Dorsetmike

Advice please - should I cook fried rice or frozen fish.

I'm stuck between a wok and a hard plaice?


----------



## Sad Al

A depressed apiarist decides to change career and become a Shakespearean actor.

His audition monologue: "To bee or not to bee, that is the question."


----------



## Sad Al

Oliver Hardy walks into a bar as Stan Laurel is playing a sentimental tune on the piano.
Ollie stands there, staring at the piano.
Stan asks, crying his eyes out "Another nice mess?"
Ollie replies "Play it again Stan"


----------



## geralmar




----------



## SixFootScowl

What do sprinters eat before they race?

Nothing, they fast!


----------



## Flamme

Why did the chicken cross the plate? To become the winner, winner, chicken dinner!
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road? Because he didn’t have the guts!
What’s a cow’s favorite movie? The Sound of Moo-sic!
:lol:


----------



## Dorsetmike

Q: What’s the technical name for coffee at work?

A: Break fluid


----------



## ldiat

Teacher: Name an animal that begins with a E?
Lizzy: Elephant
Teacher: Name an animal that begins with a T?
Lizzy: Two Elephants.
Teacher: Lizzy get out of my classroom.
Teacher: Name an animal that begins with a M?
Lizzy shouts through the window: Maybe an Elephant.


----------



## geralmar

My father told me this was a popular joke when he was a school kid in the 1930s.

Teacher: "Use the word 'pistol' in a brief poem."
Student: "My father was a bootlegger and he made fire brew. He drank 'til one and he pistol two."

I don't claim it's funny; just historic.


----------



## Flamme

Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar

“Get out of here!” shouts the bartender. “We don’t serve your type.”:lol::lol::lol:


----------



## Dorsetmike

Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer for good clean fun.


----------



## visionquest1972

What's the difference between an oboe and a bassoon? Bassoons burn longer.


----------



## Flamme

God is travelling around the world to spread his religon
He gets to India and asks the public, 'Will you take my commandments to be yours?' The public says no and decides to try elsewhere.

He gets to China and asks, 'Will you follow my commandments?' And the public replies no.

He gets to Israel and asks, 'Will you take my commandments?' The crowd begins to look at each other questioningly and a single man steps forward.

'How much do they cost?'

God replies, 'They're free.'

The crowd shouts back, 'WE'LL TAKE TEN!'
:lol:


----------



## ldiat

well i think its funny:lol:


----------



## erki

This from my friends six-year-old:

Two coconuts hanging on the tree. 
Coconut one: What a lovely day! 
Coconut two: It's amazing! A talking coconut!


----------



## Sad Al

What is a nun's worst enemy?

A nun-smoker


----------



## Sad Al

What horror film is the most frightening?

The Lobot-Omen


----------



## Flamme

Q: "Waiter, will my pizza be long?" A: "No sir, it will be round!"

:lol:


----------



## Sad Al

Q: "Waiter, is it possible to get a pizza in two halves?" A: "Yes, that is possible."
Q: "Well, how does that happen?" A: "I take a pizza and cut it in half!"

This highly intellectual discussion is a true story – I was the customer.


----------



## Sad Al

What horror film is even more frightening?

The ExorChrist


----------



## Flamme

Q: What do a gynocologist and a pizza boy have in common? A: They can smell it but they cant eat it!

Really...Silly:lol:


----------



## Sad Al

What did Johnny Rotten say to King Kong?

God save the Kong!


----------



## Sad Al

What is the worst enemy of Chinese chefs?

Kung Fu chicken


----------



## Sad Al

What headwear does the Pope wear when he gets Alzheimer's?

A dementiara :lol:


----------



## Flamme

Sad Al said:


> What is a nun's worst enemy?
> 
> A nun-smoker


Well thats a nun-sense...


----------



## Sad Al

Flamme said:


> Well thats a nun-sense...


What is a bicyclist's worst enemy?

A chain smoker


----------



## Sad Al

What is a beauty queen's worst enemy?

A Chanel 5 smoker


----------



## Sad Al

What cars are Sad Al's worst enemies?

Ladas


----------



## Dorsetmike

I asked my wife "what would you do if I won the lottery?"

She replied "I'd take half and leave you"

"Great" I said, "I won£20, here's £10, stay in touch"


----------



## TxllxT

During a day a panda is eating 24 hours.
A man in quarantaine eats like a panda.
That's why they call it a pandemic.


----------



## geralmar




----------



## Jacck

some hillbilly jokes
https://upjoke.com/hillbilly-jokes


----------



## HenryPenfold

My wife told me to pack my bags and leave. As I was walking out the door she shouted "I hope you live in misery for the rest of your life". I said "bloody hell, make your mind up!"


----------



## Dorsetmike

Ordering Pizza In 2020

CALLER:

Is this Gordon's Pizza?

GOOGLE: 
No sir, it's Google Pizza.

CALLER:
I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.



GOOGLE:
No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.



CALLER:
OK. I would like to order a pizza.



GOOGLE:
Do you want your usual, sir?



CALLER:

My usual? You know me?



GOOGLE:

According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.



CALLER:
OK! That’s what I want ...



GOOGLE:

May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?



CALLER:
What? I detest vegetable!



GOOGLE:
Your cholesterol is not good, sir.



CALLER:
How the hell do you know!



GOOGLE:

Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.



CALLER:

Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.



GOOGLE:

Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you purchased only a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug RX Network, 4 months ago.



CALLER:
I bought more from another drugstore.



GOOGLE:
That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.



I paid in cash.



GOOGLE:
But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.



CALLER:
I have other sources of cash.



GOOGLE:

That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.



CALLER:
WHAT THE HELL!



GOOGLE:
I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.



CALLER:

Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.


GOOGLE: 
I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago...


----------



## Flamme

geralmar said:


>


This a joke? lol

One spring afternoon, 3 were having a picnic in their garden. Suddenly, the eldest daughter asks, "Mommy, why did you and Daddy name me Lily?" To which the mother replies, "Well Lily, you may not know this, but all 3 of you girls were born in this very garden and when you finally were born, a single Lily petal fell on your head, and so we named you Lily." Lily smiled, content with the answer "And Mommy, why did you name me Rose?" Asked the middle daughter. To which the mother replies, "Well Rose as I said before, all 3 of you girls were born in this very garden and when you finally were born, a single Rose petal fell on your head, and so we named you Rose." Rose smiled, content with the answer. And finally the third daughter asked, "Urnd murmeh, wheh deh yuh nem meh?" To which the Mother replied, "Be quiet Tree Branch."


----------



## Flamme

Never criticize someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you’ll be a mile away, and you’ll have their shoes.


----------



## KenOC

Flamme said:


> Never criticize someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes.
> That way, when you criticize them, you'll be a mile away, and you'll have their shoes.


The same man said: If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.


----------



## Room2201974

I made some fish tacos the other night. But they just ignored them and swam away.


----------



## Sad Al

What did Tarzan die of?

Complications from Tarzanheimer's disease.


----------



## Sad Al

What is Zorro's favorite drink?

Coke Zorro


----------



## Room2201974

I watched a documentary on mushrooms the other night. That's probably how I'll watch documentaries from now on.


----------



## Dorsetmike

I had a dream the other night. I was in the old Wild West riding in a stagecoach.
Suddenly, a man riding a horse pulls up to the left side of the stagecoach, and a riderless horse pulls up on the right.

The man leans down, pulls open the door, and jumps off his horse into the stagecoach.
Then he opens the other door and jumps onto the other horse.

Just before he rode off, I yelled out, "What was all that about?"

He replied, "Nothing .........

It's just a stage I'm going through."


----------



## Taggart




----------



## Flamme

LOL the wittiness of womenfolk always astonsihes me


----------



## SixFootScowl

I’m as bored as an Amish electrician.

---------

Ontario has banned groups larger than 5.
If you’re a family of 6, you’re all about to find out who’s the least favorite!

~~~~~

Today’s Weather? Room temperature

~~~~~

30 Days Hath September, April, June and November All the rest have 31 … except March which had 8000

~~~~~

If you get an email with the subject “Knock Knock”, don’t open it.

It’s a Jehovah Witness working from home

~~~~~

After a few days of not going out, I saw someone I knew walking by on the sidewalk outside.

I immediately ran to the window and started yelling to them.

Now I understand dogs.


----------



## Dorsetmike

> 30 Days Hath September, April, June and November All the rest have 31 … except March which had 8000


Or the nonsense version recited after a few drinks too many:-

30 days hath Septober, April, June and Nowonder, all the rest have eggs for breakfast excpt grandma and she rides a bike

often followed by:-

Starkle starkle little twink, who da hell you are you fink? up above the world so high, like a diamond in a goosegog pie!


----------



## Common Listener

Dorsetmike said:


> Starkle starkle little twink, who da hell you are you fink? up above the world so high, like a diamond in a goosegog pie!


That's weird. That got me to remembering "I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am, it's just the drunker I sit here, the longer I get." But when I searched to make sure I was remembering it right (or wrong, as the case may be) I came across this which combines both and more:

Starkle, starkle, little twink,
Who the hell are you I think.
I'm not under what you call
The alcofluence of incohol.
I'm just a little slort of sheep,
I'm not drunk like thinkle peep.
I don't know who is me yet,
But the drunker I stand here the longer I get.
So just give me one more fink to drill my cup,
'Cause I got all day sober to Sunday up.


----------



## Sad Al

What is the favorite dessert of cannibals? Eyes cream


----------



## SixFootScowl

Hear about the pitcher on the leper baseball team?

He threw his arm out.


----------



## Dorsetmike

A beginners guide to the common tools found in the workshop

DRILL PRESS : A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL : Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh *****'

ANGLE GRINDER : A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS : Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER : An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW : One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

MOLE-GRIPS : Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXY-ACETYLENE TORCH : Used almost entirely for setting on fire various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..

TABLE SAW : A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK : Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW : A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the rubbish bin after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST : A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER : Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER : A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR : A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50p part.

HOSE CUTTER : A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER : Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

STANLEY KNIFE : Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for releasing the blood from fingers and slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

ADJUSTABLE SPANNER: aka "Another hammer", aka "the Swedish Nut Lathe", aka "Crescent Wrench". Commonly used as a one size fits all spanner, usually results in rounding off nut heads before the use of pliers. Will randomly adjust size between bolts, resulting in busted knuckles, curse words, and multiple threats to any inanimate objects within the immediate vicinity.

 TOOL : Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling '' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.


----------



## Flamme




----------



## Dorsetmike

Why do marxists drink herbal tea?

Because proper tea is theft.


----------



## Belowpar

Dorsetmike said:


> Why do marxists drink herbal tea?
> 
> Because proper tea is theft.


I think that should be Anarchists.

PS
Confession time, Belowpar is but a nom de plume, I answer to the call of Proudhon.


----------



## Varick

Anyway to get Sad Al banned from this thread?

V


----------



## Varick

So a suspected Covid-19 patient is lying in a hospital bed with an oxygen mask over his nose and mouth. A young student nurse comes in to wash him. He asks "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Taken aback and a bit embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "Uh, Sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body and your feet. That's all."

Frustrated, the man pleads, "Nurse! Please, you have to check! I need to know! Are my testicles black!??"

Worried that he might elevate his blood pressure and have undue stress, she decides to overcome her embarrassment and says, "Ok Sir, I'll check." She pulls down the sheet, lifts his gown up, gently lifts his member with one hand, and cups his testicles with the other hand, looking very closely. She says, "Sir, I can't see anything wrong. They look perfectly fine."

The patient takes a big sigh, removes the oxygen mask, looks at the Nurse and smiles, and says calmly, "Thank you. That was wonderful. Now I need you to listen VERY carefully.... Are My Test Results Back?"

V


----------



## Barbebleu

I may have posted this before but hey ho

A little boy goes up to his grandfather and asks ‘ Granpa, can you make a noise like a frog?’

Granpa says ‘Well, yes, I can. Why do you want to know?’

The little boy replies ‘ Mummy says that when you croak we’re all going to Disneyland.’


----------



## geralmar




----------



## geralmar




----------



## Dorsetmike

Due to this isolation I finished three books yesterday. And believe me, that’s a lot of colouring!


----------



## Ingélou

*A chemist walks into the pharmacy to see a man leaning against the wall.

"What's wrong with him?"

The assistant said, "He wanted some cough medicine but we didn't have the stuff he wanted, so I sold him a bottle of laxative."

"You can't sell laxative instead of cough mixture!"

"Course you can, look at him, he's too scared to cough."*


----------



## Room2201974

He: I think I'm going to make one of those diagrams with circles.

She: Venn?

He: Probably tomorrow.


----------



## Room2201974

Greg: Gloria 

Ian: in 

Greg: excelsis 

Ian: Deo 


Gregorian Chant


----------



## Flamme

:lol:


----------



## Room2201974

They called her Pam Demic because she had curves that refused to flatten!


----------



## Dorsetmike

A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, "Mum, why have I got these huge three toed feet?"
The mother replies, "Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand."
"OK," said the son.

A few minutes later the son asks,
"Mum, why have I got these great long eyelashes?"
"They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert."
"Thanks Mum," replies the son.

After a short while, the son returns and asks, "Mum, why have I got these great big humps on my back?"
The mother, now a little impatient with the boy replies,
"They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods."

"That's great Mum, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps to store water, but Mum..."
"Yes, son?"
"Why the heck are we in London zoo?"


----------



## Flamme

This craked me up!!!







:lol:


----------



## geralmar




----------



## SixFootScowl




----------



## geralmar




----------



## Sad Al

Why isn't Wile E. Coyote never successful in his attempts to catch and subsequently eat the Road Runner?




Because he isn't the real McCoyote


----------



## pianozach

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?

A flat miner.


----------



## SixFootScowl

*An Amishman's Guide to Computer Lingo*

Modem: What you did to the hay fields.
Keyboard: Where you hang your keys.
Windows: What to shut when it's 30 below.
Log On: Making the wood stove hotter.
Hard Drive: Getting home during the mud season.
Micro Chip: What are left in the bag when the chips are gone.
Download: Getting the firewood off the wagon.
Megahurtz: What you get when you're not careful downloading.


----------



## Animal the Drummer

I'm having a chicken and an egg delivered.

Watch this space.


----------



## Flamme

Raaawr


----------



## Room2201974

I put a world map up in the kitchen and then gave my wife a dart and said, "Honey, wherever the dart lands we are going there on a vacation as soon as the pandemic ends." So wish us luck on our upcoming two week vacation behind the refrigerator!


----------



## SixFootScowl

7 Reasons Not To Match Wits With Children

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. 
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. 
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. 
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. 
The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'. 
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?' 
The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.


A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. 
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. 
The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.' 
The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.' 
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'


A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. 
After explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?' 
From the back, one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'


One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. 
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?'
Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.' 
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mommy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'


The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. 
'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' 
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'


A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.' 
'Yes,' the class said. 
'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?' 
A little fellow shouted, 'Cause your feet isn’t empty.'


The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: 
'Take only ONE. God is watching.' 
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. 
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples...'


----------



## SixFootScowl

I’m reading a horror book in Braille.

Something bad is going to happen.

I can feel it.


----------



## Dorsetmike

The number of jokes about coronavirus has reached worrying proportions -

Scientists claim we are heading for a pundemic


----------



## LezLee

https://scontent.flhr4-1.fna.fbcdn....=d28caea3670d5a0c014bbdf2e83a69b1&oe=5F032CB1


----------



## Dorsetmike

A man goes to Confession to talk to his priest. “Father, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.”

The priest asks: “What’s wrong?”

The man replies: “My wife is poisoning me.”

The priest, very surprised by this, asks: “How can that be?”

The man then pleads: “I’m telling you, I’m certain she’s poisoning me. What should I do?”

“Tell you what,” the priest offers. “Give me her name and let me talk to her. I’ll see what I can find out and I’ll let you know.”

A week later the priest calls the man and says: “I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her for three hours. You want my advice?”

The man says yes, and the priest replies:

“Take the poison!”


----------



## Flamme

While listening 2 some beautiful,wind, rain, thunders outside...

A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night

oof

I was once walking my dog along a promenade during a storm. I got chatting to a German tourist. While we were talking, my dog decided to go for a swim. It was clear he was struggling then he got dragged under. The German dived in, pulled him out and did cpr. The dog coughed then came back to life

"That's amazing" I said "how did you know to do that? Are you a vet?" "Vet?" He asked. 'of corse I'm vet. I was in zee sea"


----------



## geralmar

It's a variation on a bad joke except it happened when I was in elementary school. The class was studying the daily life of Indians before the white man. The teacher was describing the tools the braves carried in a small pouch for making arrowheads and starting camp fires.

Teacher: "And do you know why the braves wore waistbands?
Little girl: "To hold up their loincloths!"


----------



## Flamme

They came 2 reclaim...:lol:


----------



## Dorsetmike

I've decided that as from next week I am going to dress as a different type of bread each day......
Roll on Monday!


----------



## Dorsetmike

The past, present and future walk into a bar
.
.
.
.
It was tense.


----------



## Dorsetmike

My wife asked me if she was the only one I’d been with.

I said, yes. All the rest were nine and tens.

The sofa isn’t that comfortable.


----------



## Room2201974

My new band is called "999 Megawatts." So far we haven't got a gig!


----------



## science

Room2201974 said:


> My new band is called "999 Megawatts." So far we haven't got a gig!


Watt's missing?


----------



## science

Just saw on Facebook: 

A truck carrying Worcestershire sauce crashes. 

Dispatcher: What's the situation? 

Deputy: It's hard to say.


----------



## Art Rock

I’ve invented a pencil with two erasers. 
It was pretty pointless.

What do you call someone without a body and no nose? 
Nobody knows.


----------



## TxllxT

Every trillion years or so the planets gather together and exchange among each other what's new. Everybody noticed how depressed sister Earth was looking, so they asked: 'what's the matter, sister Earth?' Sister Earth answered: 'I've caught a nasty virus. It is called 'mankind' '. 'Don't worry, the others said, it will not last for long'.


----------



## Barbebleu

Apparently Dire Straits and Chris Rea considered getting together to form a supergroup. Unfortunately it would have been called Dire-Rea.


----------



## senza sordino

science said:


> Just saw on Facebook:
> 
> A truck carrying Worcestershire sauce crashes.
> 
> Dispatcher: What's the situation?
> 
> Deputy: It's hard to say.


I get the joke, but I don't find Worcestershire Sauce difficult to say. Many people here have difficulty with UK place names. I'm a weird one here because I sound North American, but I say place names of England with ease. (I have been here 45 years and I was there for the first 10 years of my life) Here there is a raging debate among sport casters how to say Leicester City. While my local sport caster gets it right, yesterday showing highlights he tripped on Bournemouth.

I have a colleague who recently visited relatives who live in Birmingham. Upon her return she started to believe me and the pronunciations of English place names. I have another colleague who was convinced I was saying Cambridge incorrectly.

Welsh place names have me mostly flummoxed.


----------



## Barbebleu

Two women sitting in a bar.

One turns to the other and says “Ain’t that Hortense over there?”

Her friend replies, “I don’t know. She looks pretty relaxed to me.”


----------



## science

senza sordino said:


> I get the joke, but I don't find Worcestershire Sauce difficult to say. Many people here have difficulty with UK place names. I'm a weird one here because I sound North American, but I say place names of England with ease. (I have been here 45 years and I was there for the first 10 years of my life) Here there is a raging debate among sport casters how to say Leicester City. While my local sport caster gets it right, yesterday showing highlights he tripped on Bournemouth.
> 
> I have a colleague who recently visited relatives who live in Birmingham. Upon her return she started to believe me and the pronunciations of English place names. I have another colleague who was convinced I was saying Cambridge incorrectly.
> 
> Welsh place names have me mostly flummoxed.


It's not actually hard to say if you know how to say it...

Unlike some words in Korean...


----------



## Barbebleu

Here’s a good Scottish one. Milngavie. How do you pronounce it?


----------



## senza sordino

Barbebleu said:


> Here's a good Scottish one. Milngavie. How do you pronounce it?


I have no idea.


----------



## pianozach

What do you call a blind dinosaur?

A Doyouthinkhesawus.

.

What do you call a blind dinosaur's seeing-eye dog?

A Doyouthinkhesawus-Rex.


----------



## Dorsetmike

Get really stoned - drink wet cement!


----------



## Dorsetmike

A pair of a novice sailors’ had a best friend who died. In his will, he specified that he wanted them to bury him at sea. So, the pair set out from shore in a rowboat with the body. They had rowed out a little way when one got out of the boat and stood knee deep in water. "We need to go out further,” he told the other.

So they rowed out another fifty yards and the same sailor jumped out again to find the water reached his chin. “We need to go out further,” he said again. About 150 yards from shore, he jumped out of the rowboat again and disappeared under water.

After five minutes, he reappeared coughing and spluttering, and said to the other: “That's far enough, hand me the shovel.”


----------



## Dorsetmike

Man knocks on the door.....little boy answers wearing lipstick, knee high boots,stockings,suspenders, and smoking a joint.
Man asks "is your mother in ?". Boy replies:- Does it flipping look like it


----------



## Barbebleu

Person 1 - What rhymes with orange. 

Person 2 - No it doesn’t!


----------



## Barbebleu

senza sordino said:


> I have no idea.


See posts #777 & #778

Mill guy. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


----------



## Room2201974

A minister, a rabbit, and a priest walk into a bar. The bartender says to the rabbit, "What'll you have? " And the rabbit says, "I don't know. I'm only here due to autocorrect."


----------



## Dorsetmike

What do you call two grouse in love?

2 gether 4 heather


----------



## Pat Fairlea

Room2201974 said:


> A minister, a rabbit, and a priest walk into a bar. The bartender says to the rabbit, "What'll you have? " And the rabbit says, "I don't know. I'm only here due to autocorrect."


Bravo! That's genuinely funny.


----------



## Dorsetmike

Before the crowbar was invented, most crows drank at home.


----------



## Dorsetmike

If you boil a funny bone, does it become a laughing stock?


----------



## Barbarella

I always wanted to be a Gregorian monk, but I never got the chants...


----------



## Dorsetmike

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Kahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Kahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my children, friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favourite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenaline flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age, I need all the stimuli I can get!

I may have been in Continent, but I don't remember what country that was in. It's an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there.

I've heard there's loads of jobs in Jeopardy and as I'm not working right now I'm thinking of moving there

I'd like a holiday in Solvent but can't afford it

Had a few days in Somnia, couldn't sleep


----------



## TxllxT

Russian joke:
This year I'm not going to the seaside due to corona. Last year it was because of lack of money.


----------



## Barbebleu

I picked up a hitchhiker the other day. As he got into the car he said “Are you not worried that I might be a serial killer?”

I just laughed and said “What are the chances of two serial killers being in the same car?”


----------



## Barbebleu

I hadn’t realised how rough I was looking until I was out walking and a hearse stopped beside me and asked me if I needed a lift!:lol:


----------



## Jacck

E-flat walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don't serve minors.”


----------



## En Passant

TxllxT said:


> Russian joke:
> This year I'm not going to the seaside due to corona. Last year it was because of lack of money.


I have a similar joke my music professor told me. It's actually worked as an icebreaker a few times.

"Women only call me ugly until I tell them how much money I make..."

"Then they call me ugly and poor."


----------



## Jacck

Julius Caesar walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a Martinus." The bartender gives him a puzzled look and asks, "Don't you mean a Martini?" "Look," Caesar replies, "If I wanted a double, I'd have asked for it!"


----------



## Jacck

Guy: "You see doc, the problem is obesity runs in the family."
Doctor: "No, the problem is no one runs in your family."


----------



## Piers Hudson

How do you make a plumber cry?

You kill his family.


----------



## Jacck

Did you hear about the Narcissistic Cannibal?
I hear he's pretty full of himself.


----------



## pianozach

Why did Sally fall off the swing?
She doesn't have any arms.

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Well, it isn't Sally.


----------



## SixFootScowl

^ groan!...........


----------



## Luchesi

I entered 10 puns in a pun contest hoping one would win,


..but no pun in ten did.


----------



## SixFootScowl

A man goes to the Doctor, worried about his wife’s temper.

The Doctor asks: “What’s the problem?

The man says: “Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every day my wife seems to lose her temper for no reason. It scares me.”

The Doctor says: “I have a cure for that. When it seems that your wife is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don’t swallow it until she either leaves the room or calms down.”

Two weeks later the man comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

The man says: “Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my wife started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and she calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?”

The Doctor says: “The water itself does nothing. It’s keeping your mouth shut that does the trick”.


----------



## Luchesi

What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a bike 
and a poorly-dressed man on a unicycle?


Attire


----------



## Jacck

Albert Einstein walked into a bar at 99 percent the speed of light.
The bartender said, "Why the short face?"


----------



## Dorsetmike

Cribbed from another forum - with a few deletes

What is a myth?
A female moth!

Q: What did the farmer call the cow that had no milk?
A: An udder failure.

Q: What fish only swims at night?
A: A starfish!

Q: What do you get when you cross a snake and a pie?
A: A pie-thon!

Q: What is ‘out of bounds’?
A: An exhausted kangaroo!

Q: Why don’t blind people like to sky dive?
A: Because it scares the dog!

Q: What is gray and blue and very big?
A: An elephant holding its breath!

Q: What wears glass slippers and weighs over 4,000 pounds?
A: Cinderellephant

Q: Where do rabbits go after their wedding?
A: On their bunnymoon!

Q: What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
A: Hailing taxi cabs!

Q: Why did the cat go to medical school?
A: To become a first aid kit

Q: What time does a duck wake up?
A: At the quack of dawn!

Q: What do you get if you cross fireworks with a duck?
A: A firequacker!


----------



## Room2201974

A minister, a rabbit, and a priest walk into a blood bank. The rabbit says, "I think I might be a type o."


----------



## Room2201974

Therapist: Are there any sounds that annoy you?
Me: Real sounds or imaginary sounds?
Therapist: (curious) Let's say imaginary.
Me: Spider wearing flip-flops


----------



## Jacck

“A Freudian slip is when you say a thing and you mean a mother...
.... sorry another”


----------



## TxllxT

[True story]
A Jewish Russian couple living in Israel decided to show their five year old son the place where they were born. So they flew to St Petersburg and they walked along the Neva, the famous bridges, palaces, and the 'Letni Sad', the Summer Garden. In the Letni Sad their son saw an old babushka sitting on a bench. With his great brown eyes and curly hair he suddenly ventured into asking how she was doing. Well, taken by surprise babushka first said that everything was fine and well, but soon enough she confessed experiencing the pain and troubles that come with old age. The son listened compassionately and said suddenly: "I want you to feel no pain and troubles that come with old age anymore!" Babushka looked amazed and asked the son: "Where do you come from?" The son: "From Nazareth!"


----------



## Barbebleu

Q. What’s covered in cling film (Saran wrap) and swings through the bell tower in a cathedral?

A. The lunch pack of Notre Dame!:tiphat:


----------



## Jacck

My son Luke loves that we have named our children after Star Wars characters
My daughter Chewbacca not so much


----------



## Jacck

A skeleton walks into a bar
And orders a beer and a mop


----------



## Dorsetmike

What floats about in a microwave off of lands end.

The Pyrex of Penzance


----------



## Room2201974

I've been researching the kings and queens of Spain through history. From their pictures and paintings one can see that they are not a very attractive lot. So it's true, the reign in Spain falls mainly to the plain.


----------



## Luchesi

Room2201974 said:


> I've been researching the kings and queens of Spain through history. From their pictures and paintings one can see that they are not a very attractive lot. So it's true, the reign in Spain falls mainly to the plain.


That's funny. I heard that after I had become well acquainted with My Fair Lady, so I'm trying to calculate when that was.


----------



## Room2201974

Be careful what you binge eat. Yesterday I ate a can of alphabet soup and today I had the largest vowel movement ever.


----------



## Kjetil Heggelund

Time is fun when you're having flies. (Kermit the frog)


----------



## Jacck

Two bats are hanging upside down on a branch. One asks the other, "Do you recall your worst day last year?" The other responds, "Yes, the day I had diarrhea!"


----------



## SixFootScowl

Jacck said:


> Two bats are hanging upside down on a branch. One asks the other, "Do you recall your worst day last year?" The other responds, "Yes, the day I had diarrhea!"


Probably works for tree sloths too.


----------



## geralmar

pic hosting site


----------



## Dorsetmike

My old Granddad always used to say 'when one door closes another opens' Lovely man. Rubbish cabinet maker.


----------



## GucciManeIsTheNewWebern

Knock knock
Who's there?
Phillip Glass
Knock knock
Who's there?
Phillip Glass
Knock knock
Who's there?
Phillip Glass
Knock knock
Who's there?
Phillip Glass
Knock knock
Who's there?
Phillip Glass
Knock knock
Who's there?
Phillip Glass
Knock knock
Who's there?
Phillip Glass
Knock knock
Who's there?
Phillip Glass


----------



## Dorsetmike

A father took his 8 year old daughter to work with him on a "take your kid to work day"

As he took her round introducing her, she began crying and getting cranky; the other workers gathered round and she started sobbing, "what's the matter?" they asked. She replied still sobbing "Daddy where are all the clowns you said you worked with?"


----------



## Ingélou

Dorsetmike said:


> A father took his 8 year old daughter to work with him on a "take your kid to work day"
> 
> As he took her round introducing her, she began crying and getting cranky; the other workers gathered round and she started sobbing, "what's the matter?" they asked. She replied still sobbing "Daddy where are all the clowns you said you worked with?"


*

This reminds me of a true story of a colleague (Brian, a Latin teacher at the choir school I taught at.)
He said they used to go to Christmas dinner with his parents-in-law, and he hated having to meet his brother-in-law.

They were sitting at the festive lunch one Christmas, and his son kept looking at his father, then at the said brother-in-law with a puzzled face. Finally Brian's brother-in-law asked the little boy, 'What's the matter?'

The child replied, 'Uncle Arthur, I'm trying to find out - how do you manage to give Dad the pain in his neck?'

There was a huge family row as a result, but Brian said the good thing was that after that, his parents-in-law saw their children separately at Christmas.*


----------



## Dorsetmike

Having stolen a truckload of inflatable mattresses, the gang had to lilo for a while.


----------



## Jacck

A convict finally escaped prison after digging a tunnel in his cell for years
He resurfaces in a kindergarten playground with children playing and no cops in sight. He could barely contain his excitement and screams, "I'm Free! I'M FREE!" A kid next to him looks at him and says, "So what? I'm four"


----------



## Jacck

An American is in Italian prison
"How'd you get here?" his cellmate asks.
"Well," he replies, "I went to go visit that famous leaning tower and then decided to get a slice of fresh pizza. I sit down and the server comes to take my order. I asked what's good and the server went down the list. Neapolitan, Giuseppe, Pugliese, Napoli, Chicago deep dish. When I heard the last one, I was a bit surprised and asked 'Ha, why in Pisa?' "
"Next thing I know, I woke up in this cell."


----------



## SixFootScowl




----------



## Barbebleu

Astronaut 1: I can't find any milk for my coffee 
Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.


----------



## Jacck

What did the Buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor?
Make me one with everything.


----------



## Room2201974

I took a pole, and 100% of the people inside the tent were ticked off when it collapsed.


----------



## SixFootScowl

You really cannot starve in the desert, because of the sand which is there.


----------



## Ingélou

*(A couple of days ago we were told in the UK that because of a surge in covid cases, as of Monday we can't meet up socially in groups of more than six.) 
*


----------



## Dorsetmike

SixFootScowl said:


> You really cannot starve in the desert, because of the sand which is there.


And for afters you have desert!


----------



## Jacck

An Englishman is hiking in Scotland and he pauses to drink from a stream. A passing shepherd calls out "Dinnae drink frae that, it's all fulla coo pi$$ an *****!"
The Englishman says to him in a cut-glass accent "I'm terribly sorry, my good fellow, would you very much mind repeating that in the Queen's English?"
And the shepherd says "I'm terribly sorry sir, I was only asking if you would like to borrow this tin cup and get a proper drink?"

(we have a local variant of this joke, when a man from Prague comes to Brno a drinks from local fountain)


----------



## Ich muss Caligari werden

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He claims he can stop anytime...


----------



## Room2201974

If a Borg passes gas in the Collective, do they all smell it?


----------



## KenOC

Jacck said:


> An Englishman is hiking in Scotland and he pauses to drink from a stream. A passing shepherd calls out "Dinnae drink frae that, it's all fulla coo pi$$ an *****!"
> The Englishman says to him in a cut-glass accent "I'm terribly sorry, my good fellow, would you very much mind repeating that in the Queen's English?"
> And the shepherd says "I'm terribly sorry sir, I was only asking if you would like to borrow this tin cup and get a proper drink?"
> 
> (we have a local variant of this joke, when a man from Prague comes to Brno a drinks from local fountain)


American version: A country boy is accepted at Harvard. He approaches an upperclassman and says, "Scuse me, but could you tell me where the library's at?"

The older student sniffs. "At Hahvahd, my good fellow, we do not end sentences with prepositions."

The country boy says, "Oh, OK. Could you tell me where the library's at, a$$hole?"


----------



## Dorsetmike

My wife just bought a smart car. It won't let her in.


----------



## Luchesi

When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle she asked him if he had ever had sex. 

"Tarzan not know sex." he replied.

Then Tarzan said, "Ohhh...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, 
"Here." she said, pointing to her privates. "You must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loin cloth, stepped closer to her and kicked her right in the crotch!
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity
and then screamed, "What did you do that for?!"



Tarzan replied, “Important to check for squirrel...”


----------



## Dorsetmike

> Tarzan replied, "Important to check for squirrel..."


I always thought it was to check for wasps or hornets nest


----------



## Luchesi

Dorsetmike said:


> I always thought it was to check for wasps or hornets nest


"Comedy is hard."


----------



## Jacck

"Time is a construct of man, a means of adding value and structure to a chaotic universe, it serves no real purpose, it's endless and infinite, unfathomable and subjective."
"You're still late" replied my boss.


----------



## Dorsetmike

Confucius he say -Never take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night


----------



## Dorsetmike

A day at the zoo

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.

She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt. As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.

Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.

He suggested: “Now maybe pucker your lips and wiggle your bottom, see what that does.” - She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.

The husband then suggested she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.

She did ... and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.

“Now ... show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him,” he said.

This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy and he started doing flips.

The husband smiled sweetly at his wife

as he opened the cage door and shoved her in.

“Now Tell him you have a headache...”


----------



## Dorsetmike

An invisible man married an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.


----------



## Jacck

A theoretical physicist and an applied physicist go hiking on the Appalachian Trail. Suddenly they spot a black bear running towards them. The applied physicist starts taking off his boots. The theoretical physicist says, "It's not possible to outrun a bear." The applied physicist says, "I don't. I just have to outrun you."


----------



## SixFootScowl

What 60s pop band does a dentist listen to at Halloween?

Spooky Tooth! :lol:


----------



## Luchesi

SixFootScowl said:


> What 60s pop band does a dentist listen to at Halloween?
> 
> Spooky Tooth! :lol:


And Mick Jones started Foreigner  in 76. I ddm't realize that.


----------



## SixFootScowl

Luchesi said:


> And Mick Jones started Foreigner  in 76. I ddm't realize that.


There is a whole fascinating history of those sort of things. My neighbor is a guru on that stuff. I could never tell him anything new about 60s and 70s music.


----------



## Dorsetmike

I took my new girlfriend out on our first date to the ice rink, and entry was half price. She called me a cheap skate.


----------



## Luchesi

Dorsetmike said:


> I took my new girlfriend out on our first date to the ice rink, and entry was half price. She called me a cheap skate.


Thanks, I enjoy looking up the origins.
late 19th cent. (originally US): from cheap + _skate _'a worn-out horse' or 'a mean, contemptible, or dishonest person,' of unknown origin.


----------



## Room2201974

C4 is just angry Play-doh. Prove me wrong!


----------



## Dorsetmike

I didn’t think the chiropractor would improve my posture. But I stand corrected.


----------



## Roger Knox

Room2201974 said:


> C4 is just angry Play-doh.


C4 is always caught in the middle (sigh ...)


----------



## Jacck

Room2201974 said:


> C4 is just angry Play-doh. Prove me wrong!


if you have an osteoarthrosis there, C4 can for sure be angry Play-doh


----------



## Jacck

Why did Jeffrey Epstein love Led Zeppelin's Stairway to Heaven?
...Cause it's in A minor.

Epstein jokes seem to be popular
https://upjoke.com/epstein-jokes


----------



## Dorsetmike

Studies show cows produce more milk when the farmer talks to them. It’s a case of in one ear and out the udder.


----------



## Dorsetmike

I just stepped on a Cornflake.

Am I now officially a cereal killer?


----------



## SixFootScowl

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him, "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared and I think I'm going crazy.”

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come in and talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."

“How much do you charge?”

"Eighty dollars per visit", replied the doctor.

"I'll sleep on it", I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. "Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked.

"Well, eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year is $12,480.00. A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup truck."

"Is that so?" With a bit of an attitude, he said, "and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now!”


----------



## pianozach

I'm so baroque I can't oughta.


----------



## Dorsetmike

A man walks into a pet shop in Amsterdam and says to the owner he'd like to buy a cat.
"Of course sir, we have lots of cats, what breed are you after? We have pedigree cats and mongrels".
"Pedigree cats? I didn't know there were any pedigree cats in Holland"
"Oh yes, we have for instance the Groningen Ginger, the Friesian Short Hair, the Delft Blue and many more. These are quite rare now though, because of cross-breeding and so on, and so pure breeds of this type are very much in demand and quite expensive".
"Hmmm", said the man, "Well I can't afford a real pure breed but I am keen on maintaining our national heritage as much as I can.
Tell me", gesturing back towards the door ........

"How Dutch is that moggie in the window?"


----------



## TxllxT

Dorsetmike said:


> A man walks into a pet shop in Amsterdam and says to the owner he'd like to buy a cat.
> "Of course sir, we have lots of cats, what breed are you after? We have pedigree cats and mongrels".
> "Pedigree cats? I didn't know there were any pedigree cats in Holland"
> "Oh yes, we have for instance the Groningen Ginger, the Friesian Short Hair, the Delft Blue and many more. These are quite rare now though, because of cross-breeding and so on, and so pure breeds of this type are very much in demand and quite expensive".
> "Hmmm", said the man, "Well I can't afford a real pure breed but I am keen on maintaining our national heritage as much as I can.
> Tell me", gesturing back towards the door ........
> 
> "How Dutch is that moggie in the window?"


Moggie? >>https://www.petforums.co.uk/threads/why-do-people-call-them-moggies.67189/


----------



## Pat Fairlea

Dorsetmike said:


> A man walks into a pet shop in Amsterdam and says to the owner he'd like to buy a cat.
> "Of course sir, we have lots of cats, what breed are you after? We have pedigree cats and mongrels".
> "Pedigree cats? I didn't know there were any pedigree cats in Holland"
> "Oh yes, we have for instance the Groningen Ginger, the Friesian Short Hair, the Delft Blue and many more. These are quite rare now though, because of cross-breeding and so on, and so pure breeds of this type are very much in demand and quite expensive".
> "Hmmm", said the man, "Well I can't afford a real pure breed but I am keen on maintaining our national heritage as much as I can.
> Tell me", gesturing back towards the door ........
> 
> "How Dutch is that moggie in the window?"


Mrs Pat is part-Dutch. I just read her this joke. 
She groaned.
A lot.


----------



## HenryPenfold

Stupid driving law. When it rains in Sweden, you have to turn your headlights on. How do we know when it's raining in Sweden?


----------



## Guest

KenOC said:


> American version: A country boy is accepted at Harvard. He approaches an upperclassman and says, "Scuse me, but could you tell me where the library's at?"
> 
> The older student sniffs. "At Hahvahd, my good fellow, we do not end sentences with prepositions."
> 
> The country boy says, "Oh, OK. Could you tell me where the library's at, a$$hole?"


Something vaguely along the same lines.

A man is using the urinal in a public restroom and a snooty man notices that the first man seems to be preparing to leave without washing his hands. The snooty man comments, "At Yale, they teach us to wash our hands after urinating." The first man replies, "At Columbia they teach us not to pee on our hands."

(Works for any institution of higher learning and a rival institution.)


----------



## Dorsetmike

The only thing I take seriously in the newspapers nowadays is Fish & Chips.....


And even that I take with a pinch of salt.


----------



## Luchesi

Dorsetmike said:


> The only thing I take seriously in the newspapers nowadays is Fish & Chips.....
> 
> And even that I take with a pinch of salt.


I've wondered if the newsprint ink comes off into the food. Maybe only years ago. How much ink have people ingested?


----------



## pianozach

Luchesi said:


> I've wondered if the newsprint ink comes off into the food. Maybe only years ago. How much ink have people ingested?


How many squids have they eaten?


----------



## Jacck

An old cowboy walks into a bar…
...bershop for a shave and a haircut.
He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age. The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When the barber finishes the shave, the old cowboy tells him that it is the cleanest shave he's had in years. But he also wants to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed the little ball.
The barber replies, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does."


----------



## Luchesi

At the age of 29 Schubert was composing his 9th Symphony.

At the age of 29 Beethoven was composing his 1st Symphony.


----------



## Flamme

What do you call an unemployed jester?
Nobody's fool


----------



## Joe B

A man, his wife, and mother-in-law went on vacation to Jerusalem . While
they were there the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told them,
"You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here
in the Holy Land for $150.

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped
home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you
would spend only $150.

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three
days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."


----------



## Flamme

LOL tnx for this brah...

A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!"
A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"
:lol:


----------



## Pat Fairlea

Zen master to pupil: Close your eyes, young one, and tell me what you hear.

Pupil: Ah Master, I hear a faint yelp then a pause then dull, wet impact. Is it the cry of our hopeless ambitions and the falling away of the bodily self?

Zen Master: No, foolish one, for this is the silly joke thread. What you heard was the sound of one hound crapping.


----------



## Jacck

A guy with a gambling addiction walks into a butchers
He goes to the butcher - "I bet you $500 you can't get the meat down from the top shelf without a ladder"
The butcher says "I can't take that bet, the steaks are too high"


----------



## Dan Ante

Q If it takes a pound and a half of tripe to knit an Elephant a football jersey why is a mouse when its spinning,
A, Because the higher it gets the fewer.


----------



## Dorsetmike

Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?

Because demons are a ghoul's best friend!

(I'll get me coat!)


----------



## Flamme

What did the imam say when he buried the suicide bomber?
"Rest in piece."


----------



## SixFootScowl

A truck loaded with Vick’s Vaporub overturned on the highway. Amazingly there was no congestion for 8 hours.


----------



## mikeh375

What’s the difference between a glockenspiel and a xylophone? I used to know but I can’t marimba.

The conductor told the drums, xylophones, cymbals, bells and gongs to play their section twice. There will be re-percussions.


----------



## Malx

mikeh375 said:


> What's the difference between a glockenspiel and a xylophone? I used to know but I can't marimba.
> 
> The conductor told the drums, xylophones, cymbals, bells and gongs to play their section twice. There will be re-percussions.


.....Groan..... :tiphat:


----------



## Ich muss Caligari werden

Why can't Trump go to the White House anymore? Because it's _for Biden_.


----------



## Flamme

A bear walks into a restaurant. He tells his waiter, "I want a grilled …. cheese." The waiter says, "What's with the pause?" "Whaddya mean?" the bear replies. "I'm a bear!"


----------



## Ingélou

Ray had just reached his 115th birthday. Surrounded by reporters, he was asked, "Excuse me, sir, but how did you come to live to be 115?"

Ray answered, "It was easy. I just never argue with anyone."

The reporter shot back, "That's crazy. It had to be something else -- diet, meditation, or something. Just not arguing won't keep you alive for 115 years!"

The old fella stared hard at the reporter for several seconds. Then he shrugged. "Hmmm. Maybe you're right."


----------



## Jacck

I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."


----------



## Flamme

Your uncle Jack is stuck on a horse. Will you help Jack off a horse.


----------



## Dorsetmike

My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner, so I took the battery out of the smoke detector!


----------



## senza sordino

A young boy asks his mother "Mummy, last night I saw you bouncing up and down on Daddy's stomach. What were you doing that for?"

The mother replies, "I have to do that. It's to prevent Daddy's stomach from getting bigger, otherwise, he'll get fat."

Boy, "That's not going to work!"

Mother, "Why not?"

Boy, "Because the babysitter keeps blowing him up again."


----------



## starthrower

Middle Aged Wife: Honey, I feel inadequate as a woman and I'd sure like to have breast enhancement surgery.

Husband: Are you crazy? Our insurance doesn't cover cosmetic surgery. Just rub some toilet tissue on your breasts and that should do the trick.

Wife: Why the heck would that enhance my breast size?

Husband: It's worked pretty good on your behind!


----------



## Flamme

Have you heard what happen to Mike Tyson's strip club?
Due to covid-19 they're clothed till further notice.
:lol:


----------



## Jacck

How to differentiate if a person is a genetics expert or a BDSM enthusiast?
Ask them the opposite of 'dominant'


----------



## Flamme

Mike Tyson is pretty non-committal and rolls with the punches
I heard he plays a lot by ear, too


----------



## Dorsetmike

Hope that you people that were not raised on a farm can understand this one, eh?

I was in the Texas Rose last night, at the bar waiting for a beer, when a butt-ugly, big old heifer (a girl) came up behind me, and slapped me on the butt.

She said, “Hey sexy, how about giving me your number.”

I looked at her and said, “Have you got a pen?”

She said, “I sure do.”

I said, “ Well, you better get back in it before the farmer notices you’re missing.”

My dental surgery is on Monday.


----------



## Flamme

A man is walking down the street when he sees an advertisement for his favorite boxer, Mike Tyson.
He stops and reads the text on the poster.

**Come meet Mike Tyson! First 20 people can get punched by the man himself!**

Knowing that he didn’t want to pass up this opportunity, he shows up to the ring, 45 minutes early.

The building was already packed full of fans waiting to see Tyson. Lines for memorabilia, autographs, and concessions flood the building.

The man looks around, confused. Not wanting to miss the main event, he walks up to a fan and asks where he should go.

The man turns to him, smiles, and says-

Punchline
:lol:


----------



## Luchesi

Flamme said:


> Mike Tyson is pretty non-committal and rolls with the punches
> I heard he plays a lot by ear, too


What did Mike Tyson say to Van Gogh?

You gonna eat that?


----------



## Luchesi

Did you hear, Mike Tyson was just arrested for nearly beating a Pizza Hut waitress to death?


As he was finishing eating, she asked "Hey, mister, you wanna box for the rest of your pizza?


----------



## Flamme

Neil DeGrasse Tyson, Stephen Hawking, and Bill Nye walk into a bar.
Neil and Bill look at Stephen Hawking and yell, "My God, Stephen, you're cured!"


----------



## Jacck

in Russia they decide to abolish Lenin's mausoleum and so think about what to do with his remains. No one wants to have him buried in their soil, so they finally ask Israel. The answer is negative: "Absolutely excluded, too dangerous. We have already seen several cases of resurrection here.


----------



## Dorsetmike

MONA LISA'S MOTHER: "After all that money your father and I spent on braces, that's the biggest smile you can give us?"

COLUMBUS'S MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, you still could have written home."

MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: "Can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"

NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: "All right, if you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me."

ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: "Again with the stovepipe hat? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"

ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: "But it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something?"

THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed!"


----------



## Ingélou

Apologies if you've had this one already. I found it on another forum. 

An Aussie lady who was kind but not very well-educated was sent on her way to Heaven.
Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.
'I'm sorry, 'St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of godly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'
'That's cool' said the lady, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'
'Just three questions' said St Peter.
'Which are?' asked the lady.
'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?
The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year'?
The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'
So the lady went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought.
The following morning, St Peter called upon the lady and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'
'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'
The lady said, 'Today and tomorrow.'
St Peter pondered this answer for some time and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.
'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'
The lady replied, 'Twelve!'
'Only twelve' exclaimed St Peter, 'how did you arrive at that figure?'
'Easy,' said the lady, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, and right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'
St Peter looked at the lady and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.'
And he walked away shaking his head.
A short time later, St Peter returned to the lady. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
The lady replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'
'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'
'It's Andy.'
'Andy?'
Yes, Andy,' said the lady.
This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the lady, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'
'Easy' said the lady. 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till his billy boiled.
And the lady entered Heaven.


----------



## science

Lot of little elves in cute green suits are trying to abduct me again this year. 

Apparently women are still asking Santa for the perfect man.


----------



## Jacck

A duck walks into a bar and asks for a shot of tequila. The bartender asks, “Should I put it on your tab?”
The duck goes, “no put it on my bill.”


----------



## Flamme

Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?" Man: "Yes!" Reporter: "Name?" Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim." Reporter: "Sex?" Man: "Three to five times a week." Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?" Man: "Yes, male, female… sometimes camel." Reporter: "Holy cow!" Man: "Yes, cow, sheep… animals in general." Reporter: "But isn’t that hostile?" Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style." Reporter: "Oh dear!" Man: “No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch.”


----------



## Ingélou

Shared by a Facebook Friend - love it!


----------



## Guest

I really enjoyed your joke about the Australian and Waltzing Matilda...Andy watched, Andy waited... It has been passed around to a couple of friends who've also enjoyed it.


----------



## Luchesi

Ingélou said:


> Shared by a Facebook Friend - love it!
> 
> Strictly speaking, there's no future tense in English.


----------



## HenryPenfold

I'm currently writing a book about the next hurricane, it's just a draft at the moment .....


----------



## HenryPenfold

There are two golden rules that apply to being successful and keeping ahead of the competition.

1) Never tell people everything you know


----------



## HenryPenfold

I was at a school concert a couple of years ago and one of the children got on stage and was playing excerpts from Beethoven's Hammerklavier sonata. The parent of said child noticed I was looking around the room seemingly bored and disinterested.

He came over to me and said "do you know how difficult that piece is"? I replied "difficult? I'd rather it was impossible".


----------



## HenryPenfold

As we enter the festive season, I want to remind people that a dog isn't just Xmas. Properly frozen, it will do you into the new year .....


----------



## Jacck

How does a German snake hiss?
ẞßßßßßßßßßß


----------



## Jacck

A husband walks into the bedroom, is shocked by what he sees and shouts, "Oh my God Carol, no!" She explains, "But I told you all about us." He cried, "I thought you said you were doing YOGA!"

"Embarrassing this is."


----------



## Flamme

My doctor told me to drink a brandy with port after a hot bath...

I couldn't even finish drinking the hot bath.:lol:


----------



## HenryPenfold

I was driving down the motorway pulling a trailer full of penguins and a policeman stopped me and told me off and said I must take them to the zoo. The next day he stopped me doing the same thing again. He said "I Told you to take them to the zoo" I said "I did, now I'm taking them to the cinema"


----------



## Dorsetmike

Do you recall the name of Father Christmas’s spare, 10th reindeer?

You have the original nine reindeer: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen and of course, there is Rudolph which makes nine. The 10th reindeer is Olive. It says so right in the song:

"Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names"!


----------



## Malx

Dorsetmike said:


> Do you recall the name of Father Christmas's spare, 10th reindeer?
> 
> You have the original nine reindeer: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen and of course, there is Rudolph which makes nine. The 10th reindeer is Olive. It says so right in the song:
> 
> "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names"!


Seems there is a side effect of the vaccine after all Mike


----------



## Dorsetmike

You don’t realize how old you are until you sit on the floor and then try to get back up.


----------



## NoCoPilot

The maid asked for a pay increase. This upset the wife very much.

She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?'

Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.

The first is that I iron better than you.'

Wife: 'Who says you iron better than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband says so.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'

Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband did.'

Wife: 'Oh..'

Maria: 'The third reason is that I am better in bed than you.'

Wife: (really furious now) 'I suppose my husband said that as well?'

Maria: 'No Señora...the gardener did.'

Wife: 'So... Maria, how much do you need?'


----------



## Flamme

What does Mrs. Claus get when she wears tight pants?
A Mistletoe
:lol:


----------



## Dorsetmike

Several churches started having problems with squirrels damaging their buildings.

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God’s divine will.

At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistry. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistry and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later, the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide...

The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whisky around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do.

But the Catholic church came up with a more creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven’t seen a squirrel since.


----------



## HenryPenfold

At the supermarket check-out, the girl said:

"that's £47.50 please"

*Me* "do you take cards?"

*Girl?*"yes, what one you got"

*Me *"6 of diamonds"


----------



## mikeh375

HenryPenfold said:


> At the supermarket check-out, the girl said:
> 
> "that's £47.50 please"
> 
> *Me* "do you take cards?"
> 
> *Girl?*"yes, what one you got"
> 
> *Me *"6 of diamonds"


Henry, I'm giggling like an idiot at that.


----------



## HenryPenfold

mikeh375 said:


> Henry, I'm giggling like an idiot at that.


I actually said it in the supermarket a couple of days ago (Tescos) and my friend who was with me was crying!


----------



## HenryPenfold

This must've happened to you at least once. You're at home and you have to rush to the loo. After, you reach for the toilet paper and someone's used it all, so you do that silly waddle-walk with your underpants and trousers around your ankles as you go to get a new roll. Well, that has happened to me as I type - but it's ok, I'm nearly at the supermarket .....


----------



## Dan Ante

Dorsetmike said:


> Several churches started having problems with squirrels damaging their buildings.
> 
> The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God's divine will.
> 
> At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistry. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistry and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.
> 
> The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later, the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide...
> 
> The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whisky around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do.
> 
> But the Catholic church came up with a more creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.
> 
> Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.


Are all squirrels male? gosh you learn something every day


----------



## WNvXXT

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police.

What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?

I’m a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act.

Oh yeah? Let’s see you do it.

He gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.

A couple driving by slows down to watch - Wow, I’m glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they’re giving now.


----------



## Malx

HenryPenfold said:


> This must've happened to you at least once. You're at home and you have to rush to the loo. After, you reach for the toilet paper and someone's used it all, so you do that silly waddle-walk with your underpants and trousers around your ankles as you go to get a new roll. Well, that has happened to me as I type - but it's ok, I'm nearly at the supermarket .....


Thanks Henry - I've just banged my knee getting up from the computer desk as I couldn't see through the tears of laughter


----------



## Flamme

A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.

"Comfy?" asks the dentist.

"Govan," she replies.


----------



## KenOC

I don't get it...


----------



## Taggart

Govan is a small town, now part of Glasgow.

Cumfy = cum frae = come from

Scots do this a lot as in the Aberdonian expression 'Furry boots ya fae?' (Where about are you from) Hence the nickname for Aberdeen - Furry Boots City.


----------



## Dorsetmike

I told my wife her underwear was far too tight and revealing; she told me to shut up and just wear my own.


----------



## mikeh375

Taggart said:


> Govan is a small town, now part of Glasgow.
> 
> Cumfy = cum frae = come from
> 
> Scots do this a lot as in the Aberdonian expression 'Furry boots ya fae?' (Where about are you from) Hence the nickname for Aberdeen - Furry Boots City.


..it's hard to believe we are on the same little lump of Earth at times. Thnx for the explanation, I didn't get Flamme's post either, but did have a lovely honeymoon up there.

As a scouser, I'm authorised to post this.....

Man walks into a shop in Liverpool:
Man: Can I have a pair of tights for my wife?
Shop assistant: Certainly Sir, what size head are you?


----------



## Flamme

Taggart said:


> Govan is a small town, now part of Glasgow.
> 
> Cumfy = cum frae = come from
> 
> Scots do this a lot as in the Aberdonian expression 'Furry boots ya fae?' (Where about are you from) Hence the nickname for Aberdeen - Furry Boots City.


LOL really. I thought these were surnames!

Anyway,

"In Scotland, we call a dog a dug. We take that O and make it a U. It's a slang term, but it's also a social implication in that you get dogs, then you get dugs. You get 'aww, look at that wee dog", then you get 'watch that f***ing dug!-Kevin Bridges'"

:devil:


----------



## Barbebleu

Last night I had a chicken Tarka. It’s like a chicken Tikka but it’s a little ‘otter!


----------



## mikeh375

Barbebleu said:


> Last night I had a chicken Tarka. It's like a chicken Tikka but it's a little 'otter!


oh dear Barbebleu.......sacre bleu......









aaawwww, the gif don't work...


----------



## WNvXXT

Police are investigating a crime in which the victim was shot with a starter's pistol.

They believe the incident may have been race related.


----------



## HenryPenfold

I've just finished reading Roget's Thesaurus. I thought it was rubbish, dross, garbage, refuse, waste, needless, pointless, superfluous, redundant .....


----------



## WNvXXT

What did the zen Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?

Make me one with everything.


----------



## Tikoo Tuba

Oh , my poor , lovely dove . The silence is misery . A coo stick in her throat .


----------



## Dorsetmike

Did you hear the one about the scantily dressed girl turning up at the birthday party and declaring to the embarrassed man "I'm here to offer you super sex!" He thought for a minute then said, "Thank you, I'll have the soup please"...


----------



## Dorsetmike

Another COVID death out here:

Wife: Did I get fat during quarantine?

Husband: You weren't real skinny to begin with!

Time of death: 11:00 PM
Cause: Covid


----------



## WNvXXT

Bill and his wife Stephanie are both in the upstairs bathroom. Bill says he's going to jump in the shower; Stephanie has just finished hers. She grabs a long bath towel, wraps it around her, and is preparing her make-up when the door bell rings. Bill calls out to his wife to go down and see who it is.

She walks downstairs to the front door, opening it to see Frank their next door neighbor standing there. When she opens the door further, Frank says a pleasant greeting, but starts checking Stephanie out head to toe.

Hey, Ill give you two hundred dollars cash right now if you open your towel and let me look you over a bit.

Okay, sure - she drops the towel and strikes a pose in the doorway.

Frank looks her over thoroughly, and after a moment or two, thanks her, hands her two hundred dollars in cash, smiles, says goodbye and walks back to his house next door.

Stephanie closes the door, wraps the towel back around her body again, and goes back upstairs to the bathroom as Bill is getting out of the shower.

Who was at the door, honey?

It was just Frank from next door.

Good. Did he pay back that two hundred bucks he borrowed from me last week?


----------



## geralmar

Why are cats afraid of outer space?

Because it's a vacuum.


----------



## Dorsetmike

Virologists have identified a new Nile virus - type C. It appears to target those who were born before 1950

Symptoms:

1. Causes you to send the same message twice.
2. Causes you to send a blank message
3. Causes you to send a message to the wrong person.
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you.
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.
6. Causes you to hit SEND before youâ€™ve finished.
7. Causes you to hit DELETE instead of SEND.
8. Causes you to SEND when you should DELETE.

It is called the C-NILE virus!

And if you canâ€™t admit to doing the above, youâ€™ve obviously caught the mutated strain â€”

The D-NILE virus. í ¾í¶ í ¾í¶


----------



## pianozach

I'd like to take up Time Travel as a hobby, but I don't have a second to spare.


----------



## Luchesi

pianozach said:


> I'd like to take up Time Travel as a hobby, but I don't have a second to spare.


You can't travel around in time past without changing what I've accomplished in my life, and the same with everyone else, so we will have to stop you!
We understand that we might be better off, but we don't want to risk it..


----------



## KenOC

Luchesi said:


> You can't travel around in time past without changing what I've accomplished in my life, and the same with everyone else, so we will have to stop you!
> We understand that we might be better off, but we don't want to risk it..


All the necessary changes have already been made. Of course, you didn't notice and think things have always been this way...


----------



## pianozach

What do we want?
Time travel!
When do we want it?
That's irrelevant!!


----------



## WNvXXT

I was reversing my car in the garage and asked my son to spot me and let me know when I hit the wall. I heard a bang - 3:45 PM he said.


----------



## Luchesi

KenOC said:


> All the necessary changes have already been made. Of course, you didn't notice and think things have always been this way...


Last Tuesday-ism. This universe and everybody's memories were created from a brane of tranquil spacetime - just last Tuesday.


----------



## TxllxT

One evening Johann Sebastian Bach came home and slipped under the blanket of his spouse. She almost slept, but sleepily she said: "Well, OK, but without preludes!"


----------



## Dorsetmike

I’ve been bored recently so I’ve decided to take up fencing.


The neighbours said they will call the police unless I put it back.


----------



## HenryPenfold

My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles' elbow.


----------



## WNvXXT




----------



## NoCoPilot




----------



## Dorsetmike

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were on holiday near Transylvania . They were driving along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard.
Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly, the car skids out of control!
Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.
Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding!
Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.
Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.
A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"
"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor, come in, and I will get him!" Bob brings his wife in.
An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor, I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."
With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab.
Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.
After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail.
Bob and Betty Hill are no more.
The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.
Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!
Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.
He bursts in and shouts ..
"Master, Master!......

The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"


----------



## WNvXXT

During a recent physical examination, Jim’s doctor asked him about his physical activity level.

Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five-hour walk about 10 kilometres through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I narrowly avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I had to stop several times to relieve myself behind some big trees. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end, I drank eight beers.

You must be one heck of an outdoors man.

No, I’m just a really bad golfer.


----------



## Jacck

A german guy was peeing on a wall in public. A girl passed by.
Girl: Gross
German guy: Thanks!


----------



## NoCoPilot

My wife already had a ladder when I married her.

Now it's my step ladder.


----------



## Luchesi

Maybe you've have the same problem that Phillis Diller had with Burt Reynolds. She says, "Burt Reynolds once asked me out--I was in his room!”


----------



## Dorsetmike

So, this one fellow died, and, having lived a wicked life, was consigned to Hell.

Upon arrival, he was inprocessed, and assigned his own Hell Counselor.

This was surprising, and he asked about it. “I had thought that Hell was about eternal torment, and misery, and suchlike.”

His demon reassured him. “Oh, that is so old fashioned! We have coffee breaks, and such. Why, you even get to select your own personal variety of Hell!”

“No stuff! When do I get to choose?”

“Right now! Let’s begin your tour!”

They walked down a hall, and the demon opened one door. Inside there were many tortured souls, standing on their heads, heads placed on paving stones. There was moaning, and wailing, and remorse aplenty.

“I don’t think so much of this one. Have you got other selections?”

“Of course!”, replied the demon-guide, and they entered another door, wherein the damned souls were standing on their heads, heads on cobblestones. Again, much wailing, much moaning, much protestations of remorse. The guy asked, “Can see other selections, please?”, and off they went farther down the hallway.

The demon opened another door, saying, “This one seems sort of popular, insofar as any of our Hells are popular.” They entered, observing many damned souls standing knee deep in sewage, drinking coffee, chatting away, and moving about, from conversational group to conversational group. The new guy stopped his demon-guide, and said, “This is the least miserable Hell I have seen. I’ll take this one!”

The demon had him sign some paperwork, gave him his badge and ID, and bade him farewell. The guy joined one conversation, got a coffee, bummed a cigarette, and was getting acquainted with his fellow damned souls.

Shortly, another demon entered, blew a whistle, and announced, “Ok,. everybody! Coffee break is over! Back on your heads!”


----------



## TxllxT

^^ Brings back to memory a Soviet joke

Ceausescu dies and having been a dictator he goes straight to hell. But because he was a dictator, he is allowed to choose his own eternal punishment. So the devils poke him with their pitchforks into a huge hall. There he sees dictators who are being boiled in big cooking pots and dictators who are being roasted. Ceausescu looks at the specter and says: "Well, rather not". So the devils poke him on with their pitchforks. Suddenly they enter a small room and Ceausescu sees Brezhnev and he sees ... Marilyn Monroe! And you know what they are doing? Ceausescu says: "Yes! Give me this punishment!" The devils poke him on with their pitchforks, while one of them says: "That's not the punishment of Brezhnev; it's the punishment of Marilyn Monroe!"


----------



## Dorsetmike

For my wife's birthday this year I got her new beads for her abacus.

It's the little things that count.


----------



## NoCoPilot

I'm a Mormon, and I'm actually supporting TWO wives. I think that's big of me.


----------



## Dorsetmike

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman, “Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?“ The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. The rabbit drinks the beer, eats the toastie and then leaves. The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and also the extra drinkers in the pub (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves. The next night, the pub is packed. In walks the rabbit and places his usual order. The crowd is hushed as the barman serves the rabbit his pint and toastie - and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.

The next night there is standing room only in the pub. Coaches have been laid on for the crowds attending. The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year. In walks the rabbit and says, “A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.” The barman says, “I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, but we are right out of Ham and Cheese Toasties.” The rabbit looks aghast. The crowd is hushed. The barman clears his throat nervously and says, “We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.” The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, “Are you sure I will like it.” The crowd waits with bated breath. The barman, with a roguish smile says, “Would I would let down one of my best customers? I know you'll love it.” “Ok,' says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.” The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie. He then waves to the crowd and leaves ......... NEVER TO RETURN!

One year later, in the now impoverished pub, the barman (who has only served 4 drinks that night, 3 of which were his) calls time. As he is about to leave the empty bar, he sees a small white form floating in the air. The barman says, “What are you?” The ‘form’ answers, “I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your pub.” The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous. You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Hundreds came to see you. Then, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.” The rabbit said, “Yes, you promised me that I would love it.” The barman said, “You never came back, what happened?” “I DIED.” “NO!” said the barman. “What from?” After a short pause, the rabbit replied ...



“Mixin-me-toasties.”


----------



## Pat Fairlea

Dorsetmike said:


> A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman, "Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?" The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. The rabbit drinks the beer, eats the toastie and then leaves. The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and also the extra drinkers in the pub (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves. The next night, the pub is packed. In walks the rabbit and places his usual order. The crowd is hushed as the barman serves the rabbit his pint and toastie - and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.
> 
> The next night there is standing room only in the pub. Coaches have been laid on for the crowds attending. The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year. In walks the rabbit and says, "A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman." The barman says, "I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, but we are right out of Ham and Cheese Toasties." The rabbit looks aghast. The crowd is hushed. The barman clears his throat nervously and says, "We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie." The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, "Are you sure I will like it." The crowd waits with bated breath. The barman, with a roguish smile says, "Would I would let down one of my best customers? I know you'll love it." "Ok,' says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie." The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie. He then waves to the crowd and leaves ......... NEVER TO RETURN!
> 
> One year later, in the now impoverished pub, the barman (who has only served 4 drinks that night, 3 of which were his) calls time. As he is about to leave the empty bar, he sees a small white form floating in the air. The barman says, "What are you?" The 'form' answers, "I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your pub." The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous. You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Hundreds came to see you. Then, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead." The rabbit said, "Yes, you promised me that I would love it." The barman said, "You never came back, what happened?" "I DIED." "NO!" said the barman. "What from?" After a short pause, the rabbit replied ...
> 
> "Mixin-me-toasties."


Bravo! Long, surreal, repetitive, and it ends with a strangled pun. Absolute classic.


----------



## NoCoPilot

A guy pulls up to a red light and notices three city workers in yellow vests working in the median. Two guys with shovels quickly dig a hole, 2 ft deep and about a foot across, then a third guy follows right behind them and fills the hole back in, tamping down the dirt.

They dig about three holes while he's waiting for the light to change.

He rolls down his window. "Excuse me, but I can help noticing you two digging holes, while that other fella fills them in behind you. What's the deal?"

"It's Jerry," the foreman replies. "He usually plants the trees, but he called in sick today."


----------



## mikeh375

Dorsetmike said:


> A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman, "Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?" The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. The rabbit drinks the beer, eats the toastie and then leaves. The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and also the extra drinkers in the pub (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves. The next night, the pub is packed. In walks the rabbit and places his usual order. The crowd is hushed as the barman serves the rabbit his pint and toastie - and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.
> 
> The next night there is standing room only in the pub. Coaches have been laid on for the crowds attending. The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year. In walks the rabbit and says, "A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman." The barman says, "I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, but we are right out of Ham and Cheese Toasties." The rabbit looks aghast. The crowd is hushed. The barman clears his throat nervously and says, "We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie." The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, "Are you sure I will like it." The crowd waits with bated breath. The barman, with a roguish smile says, "Would I would let down one of my best customers? I know you'll love it." "Ok,' says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie." The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie. He then waves to the crowd and leaves ......... NEVER TO RETURN!
> 
> One year later, in the now impoverished pub, the barman (who has only served 4 drinks that night, 3 of which were his) calls time. As he is about to leave the empty bar, he sees a small white form floating in the air. The barman says, "What are you?" The 'form' answers, "I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your pub." The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous. You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Hundreds came to see you. Then, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead." The rabbit said, "Yes, you promised me that I would love it." The barman said, "You never came back, what happened?" "I DIED." "NO!" said the barman. "What from?" After a short pause, the rabbit replied ...
> 
> "Mixin-me-toasties."


aaaaaaaarrrrrggggghhhhhhhh.......terrible Mike (but funny).


----------



## Kjetil Heggelund

Two guitar players walked down the street. One of them was carrying a bag.
"What's in your bag, man?"
"Chickens"
"How many?"
"If you guess that, you can have both."


----------



## SixFootScowl

Dorsetmike said:


> A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman, "Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?" The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. The rabbit drinks the beer, eats the toastie and then leaves. The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and also the extra drinkers in the pub (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves. The next night, the pub is packed. In walks the rabbit and places his usual order. The crowd is hushed as the barman serves the rabbit his pint and toastie - and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.
> 
> The next night there is standing room only in the pub. Coaches have been laid on for the crowds attending. The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year. In walks the rabbit and says, "A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman." The barman says, "I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, but we are right out of Ham and Cheese Toasties." The rabbit looks aghast. The crowd is hushed. The barman clears his throat nervously and says, "We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie." The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, "Are you sure I will like it." The crowd waits with bated breath. The barman, with a roguish smile says, "Would I would let down one of my best customers? I know you'll love it." "Ok,' says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie." The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie. He then waves to the crowd and leaves ......... NEVER TO RETURN!
> 
> One year later, in the now impoverished pub, the barman (who has only served 4 drinks that night, 3 of which were his) calls time. As he is about to leave the empty bar, he sees a small white form floating in the air. The barman says, "What are you?" The 'form' answers, "I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your pub." The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous. You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Hundreds came to see you. Then, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead." The rabbit said, "Yes, you promised me that I would love it." The barman said, "You never came back, what happened?" "I DIED." "NO!" said the barman. "What from?" After a short pause, the rabbit replied ...
> 
> "Mixin-me-toasties."


Must be UK humor as I don't get it.


----------



## Art Rock

It's a play on words “Mixin-me-toasties.” versus Myxomatosis - a disease that rabbits can suffer from. The virus was intentionally introduced in Australia, France, and Chile in the 1950s to control wild European rabbit populations.


----------



## pianozach

Art Rock said:


> It's a play on words "Mixin-me-toasties." versus Myxomatosis - a disease that rabbits can suffer from. The virus was intentionally introduced in Australia, France, and Chile in the 1950s to control wild European rabbit populations.


I didn't get it either. Thanks for explaining the veterinarian humour for us non-Brits.


----------



## mikeh375

I'm sure some of us have read Spike Milligan's war diaries. Here is a tale he tells that might well be true...(I couldn't immediately find it and so in my own words....)

An officer was in hospital awaiting an operation. He was in a private room and heard a knock at the door. "Come in" he said and a nurse entered complete with shaving gear. Without saying a word, she pulled off the bed sheet, then his pyjamas and proceeded to shave his tadger and accessories. At no point during this did either speak and when she was finished, she turned and started to leave. 'Excuse me nurse" he said. 
"Yes?"
"I was just wondering why you bothered to knock."


----------



## WNvXXT

The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line.

Only a fraction of people will understand this.


----------



## progmatist

Why does the Egyptologist see a therapist?


He has mummy issues.

(This doesn't work as well in the UK as here in the States. They use the work "mummy" the same way we use "mommy.")


----------



## WNvXXT

A woman's three-year-old daughter recently came into the kitchen and asked - Where does poo come from?

The mother decided it was best to explain it to her at a level she would understand, so she said - Well, food goes into your mouth, then down into your tummy. Our body takes all the good stuff it needs from the food, then what’s left goes down to your bottom and when you go to the toilet that comes out as poo.

She looked confused and stared at her in a stunned silence for a few seconds. Then she asked - And what about Tigger?


----------



## Dorsetmike

Just bought a wig from Amazon for £1.99!!!

It was a small price toupee.


----------



## WNvXXT

A father liked to read his young children fairy tales at night. Having a deep-rooted sense of humour, he often ad-libbed parts of the stories for fun.

One day his youngest child was sitting in his kindergarten class and his teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs. She came to the part where the first pig was trying to acquire building materials for his home.

And so the pig went up to the man with a wheelbarrow full of straw and said Pardon me Sir, but might I have some of that straw to build my house with?

And what do you think the man said?

The man's son raised his hand and said - I know! I know! He said, Holy cow! A talking pig!

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.


----------



## Dorsetmike

Thank goodness for blinds or it'd be curtains for all of us.


----------



## Dorsetmike

King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites.
His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world.
Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.
Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."
"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested.
"Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"
Croesus replied .........

"When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."


----------



## Barbebleu

Dorsetmike said:


> King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites.
> His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world.
> Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.
> Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."
> "But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested.
> "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"
> Croesus replied .........
> 
> "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."


:lol: I'll be using this thanks.


----------



## Dorsetmike

Barbebleu said:


> :lol: I'll be using this thanks.


The invoice will be in the mail.:lol:


----------



## progmatist

Dorsetmike said:


> The invoice will be in the mail.:lol:


I'll have to pawn something to pay that invoice.


----------



## HenryPenfold

My wife is very intolerant of me. Apparently I offended her best friend at a party by making a joke about the Pope. She said "you damn well know Claire is a devout Catholic". I said "yes of course, but I didn't know the Pope was ....."


----------



## Jacck

A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."


----------



## progmatist

Why does riding a bicycle wear you out?

It's two tired.



What do you call a naughty nun's outfit?

A bad habit.



Where does a dictator buy his building supplies?

The Home Despot.


----------



## geralmar




----------



## Ingélou

An English tourist was standing outside a baker's shop in Glasgow. There was a huge queue and the cakes in the window were disappearing as the customers inside asked for them. The tourist wasn't sure if there'd be any fruit slices left before she got to the counter. She decided that if they'd gone, she would ask for a meringue instead, as there seemed to be more of those left in the window.

She managed to get in, but both the customers in front of her bought fruit slices, so by the time the Glaswegian shop assistant turned to her, she was feeling anxious. 

'What'll ye hae, hen?' the assistant asked, in a heavy Scottish accent. 

'I'll have a fruit slice,' the English tourist replied. 'Or a meringue.'

'No, ye're nae wrang, hen - it is a fruit slice.'


----------



## Flamme

While writing my suicide note I got a paper cut…It’s a start.


----------



## WNvXXT




----------



## Flamme

I wasn’t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere


----------



## Dan Ante

Why do Nuns in Auckland go around in pairs ?
So that the first Nun can make sure the second Nun don't get none.



I am on about Fish (Friday) phewwww


----------



## Dorsetmike

Governments intend to be tougher on crime and corruption.

Should be fun watching them locking themselves up.


----------



## Flamme

Meghan Markle once asked the queen "What's the secret of a long life?" To which the queen replied "Wear a seat belt and don't **** me off!

She must heed...


----------



## Dorsetmike

Frederick had finally found a soulmate and was very excited about his upcoming wedding day.

He was on his way out of the office when his boss came over to him with an outstretched hand and said, "Congratulations Fred, I just wanted to tell you I've been married for twenty two years, and I am sure that you will always remember this day with the fondest of memories, as the happiest day of your life."

"But sir", said Frederick, a little bit confused, "I'm not getting married until tomorrow!"

"Yeah, I know, that's what I mean." said his boss.


----------



## WNvXXT

Last year I replaced all of the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy efficient kind. Last week, got a call from the guy who installed them. He complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn't paid him. I might be a bit slow but I'm not stupid. I told him just what his fast talking salesman told me last year - that these windows would pay for themselves in a year. Hello. I told him it had been a year already and the windows had paid for themselves. There was silence on the line so I finally hung up. He hasn't called back. I'll bet he knows who's stupid now.


----------



## Flamme

One night a girl said to her family "Goodnight Mommy, Goodnight Daddy, Goodnight Grandma, Goodbye Grandpa. the next morning her grandpa died. That night she said "Goodnight mommy, Goodnight daddy, Goodbye Grandma. the next morning the grandma died. The dad started to fear for his life because he was next. That night the girl said "Goodnight mommy, Goodbye daddy. the next morning the dad woke up and he was perfectly fine but when he went into the kitchen he saw his wife crying. when he asked her whats wrong she said “The Mail Man died”.


----------



## WNvXXT

Yesterday I was at my local supermarket buying a large bag of dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the dog diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but I'd lost two Stones before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices, and iv in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was now listening to my story. Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I'd stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's bum and a car hit me.


----------



## Flamme

Do your buses run on time? No, they run on diesel.


----------



## SixFootScowl

Flamme said:


> Do your buses run on time? No, they run on diesel.


That one is worth a huge groan! Perfect for this thread.


----------



## WNvXXT

A young boy went up to his father and asked him - Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?

The father thought for a moment, then answered - Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister and your brother. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.

So the boy went to his mother and asked - Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?

Of course I would. We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university.

The boy then went to his sister.

Oh,good heavens. I love Brad Pitt and I would sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?

The boy then went to his brother.

Of course. Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?

His father asked him - Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?

Yes. Potentially you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but realistically we're living with two hookers and a future congressman.


----------



## progmatist

Flamme said:


> Do your buses run on time? No, they run on diesel.


They run on natural gas here in the Phoenix area. In Wichita where my brother lives, they're electric.


----------



## Flamme

Speaking of ''electricity'' A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, “Any last requests?” “Yes,” replied the murderer, “Will you please hold my hand?”


----------



## SixFootScowl

Flamme said:


> Speaking of ''electricity'' A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Any last requests?" "Yes," replied the murderer, "Will you please hold my hand?"


Priest calls for thick rubber shoes or mat.


----------



## SixFootScowl

In front of you stand four men: Adolf Hitler, Idi Amin, Saddam Hussein and a lawyer. You are holding a gun which contains only three bullets. Who do you shoot?

Use all three bullets on the lawyer.


----------



## Luchesi

SixFootScowl said:


> That one is worth a huge groan! Perfect for this thread.


Yes.
What do you call a fly without wings? A walk!


----------



## WNvXXT

A dog limps into a saloon orders a drink, and says - I'm looking for the son of a bitch that shot my paw.


----------



## Flamme

Speaking of saloons...


----------



## Barbebleu

A white horse walks into a bar and the barman looks at him and says “ You know, we’ve got a whisky called after you?”

And the horse says “What, Albert?”

(Only Brits might get this!)


----------



## Flamme

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Why the long face?"
And the horse says, "I've just realized I'm a metaphysical construct within a fictional narrative and will cease to exist at the end of this sentence."
:lol:


----------



## Dorsetmike

Q: Why couldn't you take Lassie out for a walk today?

A: Because it's a ban collie day monday 



(For non UK members there are a few public holidays specified as "Bank" holidays - banks stay closed for the day)


----------



## HenryPenfold

A Cockney goes into the doctor and says "please help me doctor, I've got a steering wheel on me 'ampton and it's driving me nuts"


----------



## Flamme

*
Why haven't aliens visited our solar system yet?
They checked the reviews... But we only had one star*


----------



## pianozach

Flamme said:


> *
> Why haven't aliens visited our solar system yet?
> They checked the reviews... But we only had one star*


They make sure their doors are locked when they pass by . . . .


----------



## Dan Ante

Dorsetmike said:


> Q: Why couldn't you take Lassie out for a walk today?
> 
> A: Because it's a ban collie day monday
> 
> (For non UK members there are a few public holidays specified as "Bank" holidays - banks stay closed for the day)


You are lucky to still have Banks, in my town we have one Bank left all the others have closed, in a few days that will also be gone and cheques will be a thing of the past, all transactions will have to be done online so no need for physical Banks, the Banks do every thing for their own interest. Pitty the oldies that have no idea of computers the same applies to land line phones these are to be phased out so every one will have to have mobiles so when we get power cuts we will have no internet pluss cell phone is not available in a lot of country locations.


----------



## mikeh375

HenryPenfold said:


> A Cockney goes into the doctor and says "please help me doctor, I've got a steering wheel on me 'ampton and it's driving me nuts"


LOL...you may need to explain that for non-geezers 'enry.


----------



## Flamme

I told my wife I'd never leave her unless aliens came to take me.
It has taken 30 years but I finally have enough for Industrial Light and Magic to do an alien abduction scene.


----------



## WNvXXT

Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?

No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Who provided this description?

The officer who responded to the scene.

A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?

Yes sir, with my life.

With your life? Let me ask you this then officer, do you have a locker room in the police station, a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?

Yes sir, we do.

And do you have a locker in that room?

Yes sir, I do.

And do you have a lock on your locker?

Yes sir.

Now why is it, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those officers?

You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes defense attorneys have been known to walk through that room.


----------



## HenryPenfold

Last month there was a knock on my door and when I opened it, a voice said "got any food?". I couldn't see anyone and was confused. Then the voice said again "got any food?". I looked down and there was a snail on my doorstep and when it asked for food again, I kicked it down the road and closed the door. Yesterday, four weeks later, there was a knock on my door and I couldn't see anyone, then a voice said "what did you do that for?"


----------



## WNvXXT

I went swimming at the YMCA and decided to take a leak at the deep end of the pool. Somehow, the lifeguard noticed; he blew his whistle so loud that I almost fell in.


----------



## Flamme

What did the IKEA dresser say to the aliens after landing on their planet?
I come in pieces.


----------



## Art Rock

.............................


----------



## Barbebleu

Apparently there has been a disaster on the internet. One of the servers that contains every online dictionary has crashed and all the data has been deleted. The chief engineer in charge of the server was asked how he felt about this catastrophe. 

“There are no words!” he said


----------



## Flamme

Aliens visit earth
People were found by extraterrestrials. Aliens descended from the skies on the earth surface. Humanity wondered who should they sent to talk to the aliens. Top scientists from around the world agreed to send prominent biologist and well-known religion critique Richard Dawkins. He approached the spaceship and then doors opened. Aliens came out from the ship and greeted Richard and the whole of humanity with: >!"Praise be Jesus Christ, now and forever"!<
:lol:


----------



## WNvXXT

My car broke down. The mechanic said - crap in the carburetor. I said - how often do I have to do that?


----------



## Flamme

Those aliens that abduct cows must be gamblers.
They're always raising the steaks.


----------



## WNvXXT




----------



## Flamme

Why have there been no alien sightings in our galaxy yet?
They're lactose intolerant


----------



## SixFootScowl

Flamme said:


> Why have there been no alien sightings in our galaxy yet?
> They're lactose intolerant


:lol:Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha. Took me a second. Good one!


----------



## pianozach

Flamme said:


> Aliens visit earth
> People were found by extraterrestrials. Aliens descended from the skies on the earth surface. Humanity wondered who should they sent to talk to the aliens. Top scientists from around the world agreed to send prominent biologist and well-known religion critique Richard Dawkins. He approached the spaceship and then doors opened. Aliens came out from the ship and greeted Richard and the whole of humanity with: >!"Praise be Jesus Christ, now and forever"!<
> :lol:


And then they dragged out a portrait of THEIR Jesus.


----------



## WNvXXT




----------



## MrNobody

To goto Youto.be and be Abby Normal or not goto Youto.be, that is the question. (This needs improvement)


----------



## progmatist

Why did the philosopher cross the road?

Because.


----------



## pianozach

When I purchase an iron I'm more than happy to pay the handling charge.

An iron without a handle is hard to handle.


----------



## Flamme

Has anyone heard about the cemetery for alcoholics?
It's haunted by spirits.


----------



## SixFootScowl

Flamme said:


> Has anyone heard about the cemetery for alcoholics?
> It's haunted by spirits.


You're killing me! :lol:


----------



## progmatist

SixFootScowl said:


> Flamme said:
> 
> 
> 
> Has anyone heard about the cemetery for alcoholics?
> It's haunted by spirits.
> 
> 
> 
> You're killing me! :lol:
Click to expand...

Stop your wining.


----------



## Dorsetmike

progmatist said:


> Stop your wining.


What ales you??????????


----------



## pianozach

Flamme said:


> Has anyone heard about the cemetery for alcoholics?
> It's haunted by spirits.
> 
> 
> SixFootScowl said:
> 
> 
> 
> You're killing me! :lol:
Click to expand...

We'll make sure you have a nice funeral bier.


----------



## Ingélou

Don't want to be short with you, but isn't this rather a rum do?


----------



## TxllxT

Dorsetmike said:


> What ales you??????????


The gin is out of the bottle...


----------



## SixFootScowl

Ingélou said:


> Don't want to be short with you, but isn't this rather a rum do?


British humor goes right over my head.


----------



## Dan Ante

Dorsetmike said:


> What ales you??????????


You are getting too far a head.


----------



## HenryPenfold

Dan Ante said:


> You are getting too far a head.


So, hop it .....


----------



## MrNobody

Alcoholic cats would buy Whiskys


----------



## Ingélou

SixFootScowl said:


> British humor goes right over my head.


Yes - we are known for our rye humour.


----------



## MrNobody

You have pinted you to a corner


----------



## WNvXXT

Husband walks into the living room and asks his wife - Why do you watch Food Network? It doesn't make your cooking any better.

She gives him the look and replies - Why do you watch porn?


----------



## Flamme

SixFootScowl said:


> You're killing me! :lol:


That was punny(and funny)...
I've beein in pretty dark mood lately and thinking about ''Reaper-ess'' so I needed to ligten up the mood...
*
I'm dating a girl who works at the cemetery
She digs it*


----------



## WNvXXT

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room.

What are you in here for?

To get my tonsils out, and I'm a little nervous.

You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze. What are you here for?

A circumcision.

Whoa. I had that done when I was born. I couldn't walk for a year.


----------



## Flamme

A Mans walking in a cemetery and he hears this noise...
It sounded like someone was using a eraser. He walks towards a grave and it gets louder. So he digs up the casket and sees Mozart Erasing all of his music,and the man says "Mozart what are you doing!" Then Mozart says "I'm decomposing


----------



## progmatist

Flamme said:


> A Mans walking in a cemetery and he hears this noise...
> It sounded like someone was using a eraser. He walks towards a grave and it gets louder. So he digs up the casket and sees Mozart Erasing all of his music,and the man says "Mozart what are you doing!" Then Mozart says "I'm decomposing


Some jokes never get old. Here's another:

Why did Mozart kill all of his chickens?

They kept saying Bach.


----------



## HenryPenfold

WEMBLEY TICKETS
England v Scotland 
Friday 18th June 2021

Kick Off 8.00 pm

Helping a mate out.

He's got 2 spare tickets in a corporate box for the England v Scotland game. He paid £300 each for them, but hadn't realised that his Covid-rearranged wedding had been moved to the same date, so he's looking for someone to take his place.

It's at Reading Registry Office at 2.30 pm. The bride's name is Moira, she's 5'4", about 8 stone, quite pretty, financially independent and a really good cook.


----------



## MrNobody

The year is 1967 and Paul McCartney walks into a bar. "Why the long face"? asks the bartender.


----------



## Pat Fairlea

HenryPenfold said:


> WEMBLEY TICKETS
> England v Scotland
> Friday 18th June 2021
> 
> Kick Off 8.00 pm
> 
> Helping a mate out.
> 
> He's got 2 spare tickets in a corporate box for the England v Scotland game. He paid £300 each for them, but hadn't realised that his Covid-rearranged wedding had been moved to the same date, so he's looking for someone to take his place.
> 
> It's at Reading Registry Office at 2.30 pm. The bride's name is Moira, she's 5'4", about 8 stone, quite pretty, financially independent and a really good cook.


Oh bravo! Much laughter from Mrs Pat.


----------



## progmatist

Pat Fairlea said:


> Oh bravo! Much laughter from Mrs Pat.


But totally lost here in the States. Most of us call football soccer, and footballers soccer players.....if we care about it at all.


----------



## Guest

progmatist said:


> But totally lost here in the States. Most of us call football soccer, and footballers soccer players.....if we care about it at all.


What could you possibly be talking about? Football or soccer is not mentioned at all. What type of sport match is referenced has no bearing on the joke.


----------



## progmatist

Baron Scarpia said:


> What could you possibly be talking about? Football or soccer is not mentioned at all. What type of sport match is referenced has no bearing on the joke.


The fact remains, the joke illustrates how the US and UK are divided by a common language.


----------



## pianozach

"Happy Birthday!"

Or, as they say in jolly old England, "Happy Birthday!"

We do speak the same language, you know.


----------



## HenryPenfold

progmatist said:


> But totally lost here in the States. Most of us call football soccer, and footballers soccer players.....if we care about it at all.


Neither 'football' nor 'soccer' is mentioned in the joke. The 'game' could be baseball, basketball, grid-iron &cetera, and the joke still stands .....


----------



## SixFootScowl

HenryPenfold said:


> Neither 'football' nor 'soccer' is mentioned in the joke. The 'game' could be baseball, basketball, grid-iron &cetera, and the joke still stands .....


The phrase "kick off" is mentioned in the joke. My understanding is that kick off is particular to football and soccer, and no other sports. Well maybe rugby, I really don't know, but not baseball or basketball.


----------



## WNvXXT

Here’s a question for the mind readers out there.


----------



## Dan Ante

WNvXXT said:


> Here's a question for the mind readers out there.


O ho you better hope the mods don't read that


----------



## pianozach

WNvXXT said:


> Here's a question for the mind readers out there.


Did you get our answers?


----------



## erki

Discussion about the joke is a pretty good joke.


----------



## MrNobody

The year is 1939 and Adolf Hitler walks into a bar. "Mein Freulein, ein Bier bitte." "Jawohl mein Führer, aber warum..." You continue


----------



## Dan Ante

MrNobody said:


> The year is 1939 and Adolf Hitler walks into a bar. "Mein Freulein, ein Bier bitte." "Jawohl mein Führer, aber warum..." You continue


I want to get you drunk or Ich vat sei belegaren gutten slovisket cobber.


----------



## HenryPenfold

There are 2 golden rules on how to keep ahead of the competition and to be successful 

1) Don't tell people everything you know


----------



## Dorsetmike

After much careful research, (and thanks to my source) it has been discovered that the artist Vincent van Gogh had many relatives.
Among them were...

His dizzy aunt: Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes: Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store: Stopn Gogh
The cousin from Illinois: Chica Gogh
His magician uncle: Wherediddy Gogh
His constipated uncle: Cant Gogh
His Mexican cousin: Amee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half brother: Grin Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach: Wellsfar Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt: Tan Gogh
The bird lover uncle: Flamin Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst: E Gogh
The fruit loving cousin: Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking: Wayto Gogh
The little bouncy nephew: Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco: Go Gogh


----------



## mikeh375

^^^Mike you forgot the drummer...Ringogh


----------



## Flamme

*
What happened when the cast of 'Friends' were stuck out at sea in a life raft?
They were fine, because Lisa Kudrow*


----------



## Barbebleu

Sadly it’s pronounced in Dutch as Khokh with the kh like in the Scots word loch.


----------



## WNvXXT

What do you do if you see a spaceman?

Park the car, man.


----------



## Flamme

Rising sea levels have lowered the value of my home.
Now my mortgage is underwater.


----------



## Art Rock

Barbebleu said:


> Sadly it's pronounced in Dutch as Khokh with the kh like in the Scots word loch.


----------



## Flamme

Someone told me that if you hold a Shell up you can hear the sea.
All i got was 6 years for armed robbery.
:lol::lol::lol:


----------



## Ingélou

Is 'Van Go' an American pronunciation? I remember when I was growing up everyone seemed to say 'Van Goff'. 

Pleased to hear how it should be said, though.


----------



## BachIsBest

pianozach said:


> Did you get our answers?


Wouldn't you know already?


----------



## WNvXXT

Ingélou said:


> ...Van Go an American pronunciation?


----------



## Ingélou

A Doberman, a Poodle and a Border Collie died and are standing in front of God at the entrance to the kingdom of heaven 

God asks them all three, what they believe in?

The Doberman says: "I believe in discipline, training and loyalty to my owner."

"Good," says God, "take a seat on my right side." 

"Poodle, what do you believe in?" asked God.

The Poodle answers: "I believe in returning the love and care from my owner as well as peace in the world."

"Ah," God said, "You can take a seat to my left side." 

Then he looked at the Border Collie: "And what do you believe in?"

The Border Collie stood there, looked at him for a moment and answered: "I believe you're sitting in my seat!"


----------



## Conrad2

A boy questioned his father what he do for a living.
The dad replied, " Sweetie, I clean out the bank."
"Janitor or CEO?" the boy asked.


----------



## Pat Fairlea

Ingélou said:


> A Doberman, a Poodle and a Border Collie died and are standing in front of God at the entrance to the kingdom of heaven
> 
> God asks them all three, what they believe in?
> 
> The Doberman says: "I believe in discipline, training and loyalty to my owner."
> 
> "Good," says God, "take a seat on my right side."
> 
> "Poodle, what do you believe in?" asked God.
> 
> The Poodle answers: "I believe in returning the love and care from my owner as well as peace in the world."
> 
> "Ah," God said, "You can take a seat to my left side."
> 
> Then he looked at the Border Collie: "And what do you believe in?"
> 
> The Border Collie stood there, looked at him for a moment and answered: "I believe you're sitting in my seat!"


And God asked the cat "What do you believe in?"
The cat replied "None of your damned business" and walked off.


----------



## WNvXXT

I'm reading a couple of interesting books. Taming Wildcats by Claude Face and Over the Niagara in a Barrel by Will E. Makit.


----------



## Dorsetmike

WNvXXT said:


> I'm reading a couple of interesting books. Taming Wildcats by Claude Face and Over the Niagara in a Barrel by Will E. Makit.


You could try "Cliff fall" by Eileen Dover


----------



## Art Rock

I almost moved those two posts to the "Books I'm reading" thread....


----------



## Dorsetmike

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?


----------



## HenryPenfold

Dorsetmike said:


> You could try "Cliff fall" by Eileen Dover


Or the Gay Gordon by Ben Doon and Phil MacRevice.


----------



## Dorsetmike

Sometimes it takes me all day to get nothing done.


----------



## WNvXXT

A man stranded on a desert island sees a boat wash up on the shore with a woman inside. The woman asks the man - How long have you been here?

A long time.

How long has it been since you had a cigar?

A long time.

She reaches down and gives him a box of Cuba's finest. How long has it been since you had a beer?

A long time.

She reaches down and gives him a bottle of ice cold beer. She looks at him coyly and asks - How long has it been since you played around?

You've got golf clubs on that boat?


----------



## Conrad2

A crazy millionaire said, "If you show me the blue giraffe, I'll give you a huge prize."

After it was broadcast to every country, there was a frenzy to claim the prize.

The British argued thoroughly whether such creatures really existed.

The Germans went to the library and leaf through the archives to see if such creatures really existed.

The Americans dispatched troops and dispatched them around the world to search for the giraffes.

The Japanese made blue giraffes by doing research on breeding day and night.

The Chinese went to buy blue paint.


----------



## Flamme

*
Which is the most desired summer body this year?
The antibody.
*


----------



## Dorsetmike

In Honour Of The 4th of July, 

What did one flag say to the other flag?

Nothing. It just waved.

Which colonists told the most jokes?

Punsylvanians!

What do you call an American drawing?

Yankee doodle!

What is red, white, blue, and green?

A seasick Uncle Sam.

Was the Declaration of Independence written in Philadelphia?

No, it was written in ink.

Why were the first Americans like ants?

They lived in colonies.

(dons tin hat and retires to a nuclear shelter)


----------



## HenryPenfold

Just joined a new football club that's got a female manager. Although I'm a little out of condition, I'm looking forward to it. the manager said that as Saturday will be my first game, she'd pull me off at half-time. At my old club, we only got oranges.


----------



## Flamme

*
2020: I'm gonna ruin you like no other year has!
2021: has entered the chat.

2021 is typing.....
*


----------



## Barbebleu

I filled in a questionnaire on line that asked you stuff about your diet, lifestyle etc. It then predicted how long you would live. Apparently I’ve been dead for eight years!


----------



## Barbebleu

There’s a cake that when you eat it, it destroys your life. It’s called wedding cake!


----------



## Flamme

I left a bottle a whiskey outside last night and it got rained on.
It's not ruined but my spirits are dampened.


----------



## geralmar

host images


----------



## Luchesi

HenryPenfold said:


> Just joined a new football club that's got a female manager. Although I'm a little out of condition, I'm looking forward to it. the manager said that as Saturday will be my first game, she'd pull me off at half-time. At my old club, we only got oranges.


In the English language, what rhymes with orange?

door hinge


----------



## Dan Ante

Luchesi said:


> In the English language, what rhymes with orange?
> 
> door hinge


Sorange = Dorset slang for security camera.


----------



## Dorsetmike

Dan Ante said:


> Sorange = Dorset slang for security camera.


I've lived in Dorset since the mid 1930s and never heard that one


----------



## HenryPenfold

Luchesi said:


> In the English language, what rhymes with orange?
> 
> door hinge


Perhaps in terms of assonance.


----------



## Dorsetmike

Nearest I can think of is arrange.


----------



## Art Rock

Luchesi said:


> In the English language, what rhymes with orange?


Obviously, borange!


----------



## Dan Ante

Dorsetmike said:


> I've lived in Dorset since the mid 1930s and never heard that one


Got ya ......................................


----------



## Flamme

I couldn’t stop thinking about you all day today. I was at the zoo.


----------



## HenryPenfold

If you swap some of the letters in orange with other ones, it spells 'joke'. That rhymes with 'yoke'


----------



## Animal the Drummer

Quasimodo walks into a bar and orders a double whisky.
"Bell's all right?"
"Leave it out, mate, I'm on me day off."


----------



## Ingélou

A cowboy emigrated to Wales.
He opened a ranch at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch
Unfortunately, none of his cattle survived the branding.


----------



## Merl

What does an orange listen to? 

Com-peel-ation albums.

(I'm so so sorry about that joke... .)


----------



## Animal the Drummer

What goes at 40 mph and is covered in curry sauce?
Usain Balti.


----------



## Dan Ante

What is long and orange and comes out of the ground @ 160 mph ?

An E type Carrot...


----------



## Flamme

New England trees have sprouted legs and are running amok. Officials say:
Birches be runnin wild


----------



## HenryPenfold

Dan Ante said:


> What is long and orange and comes out of the ground @ 160 mph ?
> 
> Lol!
> 
> An E type Carrot...


Q. What goes round the ash tray at 160 MPH? 
A. An E-Type ***

(I recall this joke from the 1960s!)


----------



## Animal the Drummer

In the immortal words of Shakespeare: "All the world's an ashtray/And all the men and women merely Player's".


----------



## JohnP

Q. How many lawyers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. You won't find a lawyer who can screw in a lightbulb. Now, if you're looking for a lawyer to screw a lightbulb...


----------



## HenryPenfold




----------



## Dan Ante

HenryPenfold said:


> Q. What goes round the ash tray at 160 MPH?
> A. An E-Type ***
> 
> (I recall this joke from the 1960s!)


Yep. spot on you must be in my age group.


----------



## HenryPenfold

Dan Ante said:


> Yep. spot on you must be in my age group.


No, I'm not yet 61 - but I was out of the blocks fast and I've an excellent long-term memory!


----------



## TxllxT

- Sarah, will you give me a piece of that white fish?
- That's bacon!
- I didn't ask you the name of that fish...


----------



## HenryPenfold

Animal the Drummer said:


> Quasimodo walks into a bar and orders a double whisky.
> "Bell's all right?"
> "Leave it out, mate, I'm on me day off."


Quasimodo's sister bought him a wok for Christmas and he said "but you know perfectly well I dont like Chinese food"
She said "it's for ironing your shirts"


----------



## Luchesi

geralmar said:


> host images


^^^^^^
I don't get it...

Anyway, I made fish tacos last night. ...but they just ignored them.


----------



## HenryPenfold

Beef Oven said:


> I prefer_ 5'48''_(with the exposition repeats)


Yes, me too!

Me too, yes!


----------



## Dorsetmike

I have just been told that the clocks have to go back at the end of the month.
The only problem is I don't remember where I got ours from!


----------



## Dorsetmike

Tom had been in business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quit his job and bought 50 acres
of land in the Scottish highlands as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.

Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door.

He opens it and there is a huge, bearded man standing there.

"Hi, my name's Harry, your neighbour from forty miles up the road...Having Christmas party Friday
night... Thought you might like to come. About 7 o'clock..."

"Great," says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks............Thank you."

As Harry is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you... There's gonna be some drinkin'".

"Not a problem," says Tom. "After 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of em."

Again, as he starts to leave, Harry stops. More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."

Tom says, "Well, I get along with people, I'll be alright. I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again Harry turns from the door. "More'n likely be some wild sex, too."

"Now that's really not a problem," says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six
months! I'll definitely be there; by the way, what should I wear?"

Harry stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us."


----------



## SixFootScowl

Dorsetmike said:


> Tom had been in business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quit his job and bought 50 acres
> of land in the Scottish highlands as far from humanity as possible.
> 
> He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.
> 
> Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
> 
> After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door.
> 
> He opens it and there is a huge, bearded man standing there.
> 
> "Hi, my name's Harry, your neighbour from forty miles up the road...Having Christmas party Friday
> night... Thought you might like to come. About 7 o'clock..."
> 
> "Great," says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks............Thank you."
> 
> As Harry is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you... There's gonna be some drinkin'".
> 
> "Not a problem," says Tom. "After 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of em."
> 
> Again, as he starts to leave, Harry stops. More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."
> 
> Tom says, "Well, I get along with people, I'll be alright. I'll be there. Thanks again."
> 
> Once again Harry turns from the door. "More'n likely be some wild sex, too."
> 
> "Now that's really not a problem," says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six
> months! I'll definitely be there; by the way, what should I wear?"
> 
> Harry stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us."


I guess there will be a choice 50-acre plot in the Sottish Highlands for sale after that.


----------



## Dorsetmike

A farmer drove to a neighbour's farmhouse and knocked at the door.

A boy, about 9, opened the door.

"Is your dad or mum home?" said the farmer.

"No, they went to town" said the boy.

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" asked the farmer.

"No, he went with Mum and Dad" the boy answered.

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.

"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message" said the boy.

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad.

It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".

The boy thought for a moment...


"You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges £500 for the bull and £50 for the boar, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."


----------



## Dorsetmike

A guy goes over to his brother’s house all bruised and his clothes torn.

His brother says “Man, where have you been?”

“I just got back from burying my mother-in-law.”

“How did you get all bruised and your clothes torn from burying your mother-in-law?”

“She wouldn’t lie still!”


----------



## Ariasexta

I remember asoviet joke, it goes like this:

A group of soldier is sent in a mission of planting trees around a facility, 3 soldiers a team, each bringing the assigned instrument to tasks: one with shovel for digging, 2nd with a seedling for putting into the pit and hold it straight, 3rd with a shovel and a water jar refilling the pit with earth and water it. There is a team with only 2 soldiers working, as they arrive with the division on the spot of work, they continue with their tasks: one digging up, and then another refilling and watering, without a tree planting within the pit. The leader saw them and asks what happened? they replied:" The one who was repsonsible for planting the tree is on leave, but we are still doing our own tasks, sir."


----------



## Dorsetmike

I had a job as a street cleaner. No formal training, I just picked it up as I went along.


----------



## Flamme

Doctor doctor, whenever I climb to the top of a mountain or tall building and look down, I always get the compulsion to sing classical music!
Hmm. Sounds like you have a bad case of *Verdigo*.


----------



## parlando

This is by way of orchestrating post 334. I took out the frog prince and did a few other 2021 things. Maybe it's no worse.

A young fellow walks into a bank and approaches a teller, whose name plate says "Ms. Is? Yup! Definitely: Patricia Vaccs!!"

"Hi, Patricia Vaccs, very nice name plate. Should I call you Ms. Is? Yup? Definitely? Or Patricia, or what?"

"You can call me Patty."

"Umm, I'd like to get a $20,000 loan for a great vacation."

Patty looks at the fellow in disbelief and asks his name.

"Wilson-Wiseguy Jagger. Call me Willy. My father is Mick Jagger. It will be fine to authorize the loan, I know your manager."

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

"Sure, how about this," said young Jagger as he produces a tiny gemstone elephant, about an 21/32 of an inch tall, crystal pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty Vaccs explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

Patty walks into the manager's office and proceeds to say, "There's a fellow called Wilson-Wiseguy Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $20,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." Patty holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager leans back, looks at her and croons ... _"It's a knickknack, Patty Vaccs, give the guy a loan-his old man's a Rolling Stone."_


----------



## Dorsetmike

My friend Jack says he can communicate with vegetables. 

Jack and the beans talk.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A friend of mine got into photographing salmon in different clothing.

He said he liked shooting fish in apparel.


----------



## Flamme

What’s a spiders favorite thing to do on a rainy day?
They like to surf the web!


----------



## Dorsetmike

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education than any Irish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cop’s expense.

Irish cop says, “License and registration, please.”

London Lawyer says, “What for?”

Irish cop says,”Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.”

London Lawyer says, “I slowed down, and no one was coming.”

Irish cop says,”Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. License and registration, please.”

London Lawyer says, “What’s the difference?”

Irish cop says, “The difference is, ye havte come to complete stop, that’s the law. License and registration, please!”

London Lawyer says, “If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.”

Irish cop says, “Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.”

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Irish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living **** out of the lawyer and says, “Da ye want me to stop, or just slow down?”


----------



## TxllxT

A couple celebrates their 35 year bond of marriage. Suddenly a fairy appears and both of them are being allowed to make a wish because of being 35 years together. The woman says: "I would like to be on a travel around the world with my husband". And oeps! Suddenly she holds two tickets for a cruiseship in her hand. Now the husband may make a wish. He ponders long and then he says: "Such a chance one gets only once in a life-time: I want a spouse who is 30 years younger!" The spouse is completely in shock, as is the fairy. But a wish is a wish, and so: oeps! Suddenly the husband is turned into a 92-year old greybeard. The moral: ungrateful husbands ought to keep in mind that fairies are women too!


----------



## Flamme

So a couple go to a spiritual healer...
...and they ask him to cure their illnesses. The healer says he will, but they must put their hand on the part of their body they want healed.

The wife proceeds to put her hand on her throat, as she has had a sore throat which won't go away. Looking at his wife, the husband then proceeds to place his hand on his crotch.

The wife looks and then says: "Honey, he said he will treat our illnesses, not raise the dead."


----------



## Dorsetmike

My wife saw me ordering more CDs online. She asked where I got the money for all of that. I told her to not worry - I sold some stuff online. She said don't be wasting money after we just spent a lot of money on the kids for Christmas. Then she told me if she catches me doing it again she's going to smash my head into the keyboard. Well, here I am, online buying stuff again and clearly I don't give a shummkonhhh hejjnsb b jxngwggztg 26 fns781indb,,hhwhk g sh yiye....


----------



## TxllxT

One of the most important figures in science was the German physicist Max Planck. In 1901, Max Planck initiated Quantum Physics by presenting his Quantum Theory. He was awarded Nobel Prize in Physics in 1918.

And the story begins:

After he won the Nobel Prize for physics in 1918, Max Planck undertook a lecture tour of Germany. 

Naturally enough the lectures he delivered to the various audiences were more or less identical, a fact that was noticed in due course by his chauffeur. 

One day the driver said to him: “Professor Planck, I’ve heard you give the same lecture on quantum mechanics so many times that I now know it by heart. It must be very boring for you, so for tonight why don’t we swap roles? I’ll deliver the lecture and you sit in the audience and wear my chauffeur’s cap.” 

Planck agreed and that evening the driver got up on stage and delivered the lecture flawlessly. 

Then a member of the audience stood up and asked an incomprehensible question about quantum mechanics. Without hesitation the chauffeur said: “I’m surprised that someone from the renowned city of Munich could ask such a basic question. I will leave my chauffeur to answer it.”


----------



## Dorsetmike

Now that the Holiday Season is over, I wanted to inform everyone that Christmas trees really enjoy having all those decorations removed. 
They’re delighted.


----------



## Luchesi

Dogma: the mother of puppies. 


Ultimate: the last person to marry. 


Vice versa: dirty poems.


----------



## TxllxT

A man enters an antique shop. Suddenly he notices that the antique dealer has a cat and that the cat is sipping milk from a dish. With his connoisseur's eye he immediately recognises: the dish is Egyptian and dates back to the times of Tutankhamun. So he walks to the antique dealer and says: "Nice cat you have; can I buy your cat?" "Sure, for ten dollars the cat is your's". "But I guess the cat is quite used to sipping milk from the dish...". "The dish is Egyptian and dates back to the times of Tutankhamun... I'm sure you don't have the money to buy that... But thanks to the dish, I've already sold eight cats!"


----------



## Flamme

What did Hillary Clinton say when Bill wanted a new Saxophone
"Not until you get rid of that HarMonica."


----------



## TxllxT

Two covid viruses happen to meet each other. "So how are spreading?"- "Great!" "Last week I managed to jump on a triple vaccinated bloke. For sure I joined a roller coaster ride! First we went together to Austria for skiing in the mountains; then we relaxed in some wellness resort. Two days later together we flew to New York, to a WHO congress. And finally we went to Sydney, to a tennis tournament. Now I've got my offspring globally spread over the whole planet!" "Wow!" "And you?" "Me?" "I just kept sitting on a non-vaccinated mortal; though he had nothing to complain at, the poor guy all the time just had to go to work".


----------



## Dorsetmike

I planted some spring bulbs in the garden, but they're very slow growing, they haven't grown any hyacinth last week.


----------



## HenryPenfold

Just watched the trailer for the new 'woke' James Bond film. Features our hero trans-gendering from a male secret agent operating in Putin's Russia, to a female agent. From the trailer, it looks like it's going to be a smash hit. On general release from 4th February, don't miss Coctopussy.


----------



## Dorsetmike

A lumberjack went into a magic forest to cut down a tree as he swung his axe the tree said “wait I am a talking tree” The lumberjack grinned a replied “and you will dialogue”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My friend can’t afford to pay his water bill - so I sent him a get well soon card


----------



## SixFootScowl

"I'm not saying we should kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying that we should remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out."
--anonymous


----------



## SearsPoncho

Will Smith used an open hand because paper beats Rock.

(EDIT: I hope they play Rock, Paper, Scissors outside the U.S.)


----------



## SearsPoncho

What did Chris Rock have on his face this morning? 

Fresh prints. 

(Probably won't be understood outside the U.S.)


----------



## Ariasexta

Tourist: Why did egyptians build pyramids in the desert not in crowded cities? 
Guide: Because they knew it real-estate companies will not be interested in demolishing old structures in the deserts.


----------



## Malx

SearsPoncho said:


> What did Chris Rock have on his face this morning?
> 
> Fresh prints.
> 
> (Probably won't be understood outside the U.S.)


Reference to Fresh Prince of Bel-air perhaps SP?


----------



## SearsPoncho

Malx said:


> Reference to Fresh Prince of Bel-air perhaps SP?


Yes. I wasn't sure The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air was shown outside the U.S. Will Smith has actually rebooted the show on one of the streaming platforms and it looks much more serious than the original goofy comedy show.


----------



## superhorn

Last night on "Dancing With The Czars " Catherine and Peter were great , but Ivan was terrible and Boris wasn't Godunov .


----------



## Dan Ante

superhorn said:


> Last night on "Dancing With The Czars " Catherine and Peter were great , but Ivan was terrible and Boris wasn't Godunov .


And the Poo tin had not been emptied.


----------



## Dorsetmike

A woman’s closet door was making a terrible sound whenever a bus was passing in the street outside, so she called a carpenter to check it out.

The carpenter comes to see what’s the problem but sees nothing.

Right then a bus was passing in the street and a loud creaking sound was heard. He couldn’t believe it, so he told her that he’ll be waiting inside the closet to see what is making this noise.

After a few minutes the husband comes home, opens the closet and see’s a man inside.

He looks at his wife with disgust and back at the man and asks, “What the hell are you doing in my closet?”

The carpenter then said, “Would you believe me if I told you I am waiting for the bus?...”


----------



## Ingélou

Just brilliant, Mike! 🌟


----------



## Chibi Ubu

I asked a girl to go to the gym for a first date and she didn't show up. I guess it's not going to work out...


----------



## SixFootScowl

What happened when the volcanologist ran into a table?

He cracked a toe a.


----------



## Roger Knox

What happened to the otolaryngologist who operated on himself? 

Only his ear and throat nose.


----------



## geralmar

I do my own stunts; but never intentionally.


----------



## Art Rock

I can't believe people get this wrong:

230 - 220 x 0.5 = ?

It's so simple. The answer is 5!


----------



## Bwv 1080

The Russian Army is losing so badly that I heard Mississippi wants to erect statues of its generals


----------



## NoCoPilot




----------



## Ethereality

Polednice said:


> I think the fairly long ones with stupid puns are the best:
> 
> There are these two onions - a male onion, and a female onion - just minding their own business, rolling along the street, when they bang into each other and somehow feel an instant rapport. Soon after, a torrential affair begins and they can't get enough of each other. After only a few days, the two love-struck onions consummate their love and soon decide to tie the knot; get together; make it legal - be married.
> 
> Their union is blessed, as a little baby onion - a cocktail onion - is born. Of course, this meant the father had to put in extra time at the shipyard to make enough money to feed them all, and, mother onion - much encumbered with other work around the house - one day left the front door open, unintentionally letting the inquisitive baby onion roll out across the street, straight into the path of a huge lorry. He was crushed. Flattened out completely. Rushed to hospital straight away where a team of surgeons fought all night to save his life.
> 
> As the mother onion was so distressed, she had to be sedated and so sat limply in the hospital corridor while the father onion rolled up and down frantically, wearing a deep groove in the hospital carpets. Towards dawn, the operating theatre doors flung open, and the surgeon rushed out, pulling the mask from his face, and dashing the perspiration from his eyes. He walked towards the father onion, who rolled up anxiously and said, "What? What?! Tell me what ... is he ... will he ... just tell me." The surgeon said gravely, "Don't worry, he'll live. But ... I'm afraid he'll be a vegetable for the rest of his life."


This is literally the funniest s*** I've ever read 😮


----------

