# Hollywood to attempt the **** of all ****s



## Couchie (Dec 9, 2010)

They're making _Paradise Lost_ into a film.

Notes:

- It will be an "action-heavy" film.
- Directed by Alex Proyas, of _I, Robot_ and _Knowing_
- Bradley Cooper of _Hangover_ will star as Lucifer.


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## ComposerOfAvantGarde (Dec 2, 2011)

The _what_ of all _what_s???

Will they use music by *Ligeti?*

Will Jack Black get a leading role? (I hope not!!!!!)


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## Couchie (Dec 9, 2010)

ComposerOfAvantGarde said:


> Will they use music by *Ligeti?*


Isn't it bad enough already???


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## ComposerOfAvantGarde (Dec 2, 2011)

Couchie said:


> Isn't it bad enough already???


*Ligeti* would improve it.


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## ComposerOfAvantGarde (Dec 2, 2011)

I'm more into those films by people like Peter Greenaway.


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## Crudblud (Dec 29, 2011)

Dude, this is gonna be awesome.

I totally hope they get Stallone to kick some *** bro.


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## Sid James (Feb 7, 2009)

One possible solution: don't watch it. Vote with your feet (or your wallet) as they say...


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## Polyphemus (Nov 2, 2011)

And above all lets hope the ubiquitous and risible Orlando Bloom or Miss Knightly are not involved.


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## Polednice (Sep 13, 2009)

This is one of the worst excuses for an action film I have seen. Sometimes it's tiresome to hear people constantly saying "the book was better than the film", but in most of those cases, a film can arguably live up to the book even if it doesn't here. Here, no matter what, _Paradise Lost_ really, really needs to be _read_. I just hope it pisses off the Church.


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## ComposerOfAvantGarde (Dec 2, 2011)

Soon they're going to be turning stories from the old testament into some kind of action film starring American celebrities set in some kind of busy metropolis with a boring amount of violence and a stupid amount of stereotypical characters.


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## Crudblud (Dec 29, 2011)

20th Century Fox presents *GENESIS*, starring the cast of _Jersey Shore_, and Jack Black as Bozo the Clown. Narrated by John "It's Good" Madden.

*Entertainment Weekly:* So I hear you've changed the story of Genesis for this movie?
*Michael Bay:* Yes, I felt that the story had to reflect values that today's society can really connect with, it's a classic Bible story for the street wise kids of today.
*EW:* So what is the story about now?
*MB:* _The Situation's _large oily pecs and gratuitous shots of _Snooki's_ ***.
*EW:* How does the classic element of temptation come in to play?
*MB:* Well, at one point, _JWoww_ totally wants to eat a tub of ice cream, but she doesn't because it might make her fat. Then I do a close up shot of her ***. It's really great.
*EW:* There's also a new character, or so we've heard?
*MB:* That's right, to really liven up the tired old fire and brimstone stuff, we've got Jack Black as a gun toting clown who totally blows **** up, man. He's in blackface and he speaks with a really fake ghetto accent. He has this really awesome catchphrase "I'mma gat you, dawg!" You know, real high class stuff.
*EW:* Michael, thank you.
*MB:* My pleasure.


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## Xaltotun (Sep 3, 2010)

Oh, crap. But hey, didn't they make an action-film of the _Divina Commedia_ some years ago? By rights I should be filled with anger and hate when hearing such things, but I just find myself not caring. Let 'em do the films (next in line: Tasso's _Jerusalem Delivered_ as a gang war version!!1111), we can still read the books.


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## regressivetransphobe (May 16, 2011)

Name recognition is the name of the game. They did a movie off ******' Battleship (the board game), didn't they? They just shovel dumb, vapid CGI action movie #4391203 under a name they know people will recognize, and people go see it. Kill me.


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## mmsbls (Mar 6, 2011)

At first I thought the OP was a joke, but I guess Hollywood knows good stories when they see them. It will be interesting to see how they portray Satan - pure evil or Milton's _much_ more nuanced version.

I don't remember any car chases in the original, but we'll see what Hollywood can do.


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## science (Oct 14, 2010)

Lots of nudity or it's baloney.


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## Polednice (Sep 13, 2009)

science said:


> Lots of nudity or it's baloney.


I seem to remember a portion from Satan's ascent from hell where a she-devil gives horrific birth to some foul creature who then proceeds to slash at her with a dagger, sword, or axe. As graphic as possible please.


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## science (Oct 14, 2010)

Polednice said:


> I seem to remember a portion from Satan's ascent from hell where a she-devil gives horrific birth to some foul creature who then proceeds to slash at her with a dagger, sword, or axe. As graphic as possible please.


Yes, something like sin and death begetting each other... or something like that. I remember that scene too.

I was thinking that possibly the best scene in the film would be Satan's flight across the abyss between the worlds.

It would be really great is if there were about 40 extremely boring minutes where the angel just talks about the redemption that is to come in the future while Adam just sits there looking confused. But the best part would be if the movie held to the whole "men must discipline their women" theme.


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## ComposerOfAvantGarde (Dec 2, 2011)

Crudblud said:


> 20th Century Fox presents *GENESIS*, starring the cast of _Jersey Shore_, and Jack Black as Bozo the Clown. Narrated by John "It's Good" Madden.
> 
> *Entertainment Weekly:* So I hear you've changed the story of Genesis for this movie?
> *Michael Bay:* Yes, I felt that the story had to reflect values that today's society can really connect with, it's a classic Bible story for the street wise kids of today.
> ...


Right. I expect you to write the script and show it to me when it's finished.


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## Lukecash12 (Sep 21, 2009)

ComposerOfAvantGarde said:


> Soon they're going to be turning stories from the old testament into some kind of action film starring American celebrities set in some kind of busy metropolis with a boring amount of violence and a stupid amount of stereotypical characters.


Like Leonardo DiCaprio did to Romeo and Juliet?


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## ComposerOfAvantGarde (Dec 2, 2011)

Lukecash12 said:


> Like Leonardo DiCaprio did to Romeo and Juliet?


Oh no what happened?


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## Lukecash12 (Sep 21, 2009)

Polednice said:


> I seem to remember a portion from Satan's ascent from hell where a she-devil gives horrific birth to some foul creature who then proceeds to slash at her with a dagger, sword, or axe. As graphic as possible please.


You know, Dante's Inferno wasn't all that bad of a game when it comes to it's correspondence with the poem. What I'd really like to see is a game about the Hebrew people conquering Canaan. It'd be great because Egyptian style warfare was just as sophisticated and intriguing as the later European variations on rank, file, equipment, and traveling and battlefield logistics. Would make for a decent action movie, too, if anyone in Hollywood really knew about Egyptian warfare. The chariots actually made it more helter skelter than later civilization's attempts at war.


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## Sid James (Feb 7, 2009)

Well, another thing is, that if this film version of _Paradise Lost _is successful at the box office, they can do a sequel. Milton wrote one himself called_ Paradise Regained_.

I have read neither, I'm not into this sort of thing, I'm sure most people don't know much about it (the only thing I know is a musical connection, Dr. Milton wrote what was to be the basis of the third and final part of Haydn's _The Creation_, the part with Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden)...


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## science (Oct 14, 2010)

Once they've done _Paradise Lost_, they need to do Kafka's _Metamorphosis_. Like the story, it has to be from the POV of Gregor, so the audience doesn't see the bug (aside from his legs and maybe antennae) until the very end of the film, when he's dead.

Ok, maybe that's not for Hollywood. I should probably just do it with my students this summer...

Also not for Hollywood: Lot and his daughters. But the conquest of Canaan would be nice, if only to see the repeated exhortations to genocide put repeatedly into practice. Plenty of blood and guts there. Also, with a bit of interpretive liberty, we could even portray consensual sex (as contrasted to the victors enjoying the spoils throughout the rest of the movie) between Rahab and the spies.

But I believe a Hollywood version of the Mark V movies could make money, with the antiChrist and all that, taking the prophecies very literally according to premillenialist interpretations. Have a last judgment, the sinners thrown into a lake of fire. Very fine cinema there. (Edit: I want Tim Burton in charge of that scene.) Maybe _that'll_ be the sequel to _Paradise Lost_.


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## Crudblud (Dec 29, 2011)

ComposerOfAvantGarde said:


> Right. I expect you to write the script and show it to me when it's finished.


I'm on it!


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## Trout (Apr 11, 2011)

Couchie said:


> They're making _Paradise Lost_ into a film.
> 
> Notes:
> 
> ...


Yep. 2012 really is the end of the world.


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## Lukecash12 (Sep 21, 2009)

ComposerOfAvantGarde said:


> Oh no what happened?


A big city kind of romp was made out of it. There's guns and modern teen culture, all done in old English.


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## ComposerOfAvantGarde (Dec 2, 2011)

Lukecash12 said:


> A big city kind of romp was made out of it. There's guns and modern teen culture, all done in old English.


 This is an outrage!


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## Xaltotun (Sep 3, 2010)

To Polednice and science:

In _Paradise Lost_, Sin is the daughter of Satan - born out of his forehead, in imitation of Athene and Zeus. Death is their mutual offspring. Did I already mention how much I like this book?


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## science (Oct 14, 2010)

Xaltotun said:


> To Polednice and science:
> 
> In _Paradise Lost_, Sin is the daughter of Satan - born out of his forehead, in imitation of Athene and Zeus. Death is their mutual offspring. Did I already mention how much I like this book?


That's right! Glad to have that cleared up without the bother of googling it.

What a great movie it could be.


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## science (Oct 14, 2010)

Lukecash12 said:


> modern teen culture


That movie portrays something far more imaginative than "modern teen culture."

Plus, it's a lot of fun, and I met Claire Danes when she was drunk. So that is an A+ movie no matter how you look at it.


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## Crudblud (Dec 29, 2011)

I actually thought Romeo + Juliet was a pretty slick retelling. It wasn't great but it oozed style.


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## Alberich (Dec 22, 2011)

While I am certain this movie is going to be utterly worthless, I wouldn't say that making action movies out of Western myth is a bad idea at all. I *really* dug the art style of Immortals, what with all the costumes, architecture, and cinematography designed to evoke a giant renaissance painting of Greek mythology with a rococo setting. I would definitely like to see a more literal retelling of the Iliad as a film. None of that Troy crap without a god in sight, or with all the pointless changes in character personality. I don't care if it ends up being like 6 hours long, either.


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